Two In The Think Tank - 162 - "DAVEY JONES' FOOT LOCKER" with MICHAEL WARD

Episode Date: December 18, 2018

More thanks than was previously thought possible to our championship title friend Michael Ward for joining us on this episode. Do everyone in your life a favour and check out his hilarious kids' book EMAIL YOUR BAND NAMES FOR GEORGE'S BAND to [e-mail] Crossword, Pre-Done Date, U(nderwater)FC, Dizzy Fighting Championships, Miele Trap, DJFL, Former Glazier, Einstein Exoskeleton, Invisible AssDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag.And you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereDeeply, bowel shakingly, satisfying thanks to George Matthews for producing Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career in a rewarding field, with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time! Mycomputercareer.edu.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit Planet Broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. Shoo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo- the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy and I'm Alistair George William, Tromblay Bertel and joining us in the tank is Father Writer Colleague. Lover. In the Lover. Michael Ward. My guys, thanks for having me on show 162. Yes, yeah, we wanted to bring you in from the big one, 62. My guys, thanks for having me on show 162. Yes, we wanted to bring you in from the big one, 6'2". Thanks, thanks, Array.

It's a real special occasion. Yeah, that's good. And look, are you a numbers guy? You really care about like... Oh, yeah, I like numbers, sure. The importance of them? Like, you know, like, would you see anything in 162? Well, it's a prime number.

Is it? An even prime number. Is it an even prime number? It's one of the rare, even primes. They're particularly prized. I've got to tell you an incredible number trivia fact that I found on Twitter this week. Oh, this has already been sold incredibly early. It's amazing. Just let me get it right.

I'll usually stuff these things up. Yeah. Uh, the, this is an, it's an anagram, right? 11 plus 2 is an anagram of 12 plus 1. 11 plus 2 is actually an anagram of 12 plus 1 Get your pens down everybody write it down scramble the list. No, it's not No, it's it's not hang on well because one ends in in e and 11 starts with EL so already oh

Anagram sorry, I was thinking parallelogram. No, not parallelogram parallel a lana gram you a parallelogram like the the shape what our palindrome all right. Oh my god What is going on here? Welcome to numbers and shapes Letters and shapes. Yes, so that's's pretty, that's pretty cool. Well it broke my brain. Yeah, so yeah, I think, I mean, I think that's incredible. Yeah, that meant that obviously they both had up to 13, but they're 11 plus 2's, an antigrain of 12 plus 1.

That's amazing that mathematically and verbally, what would you use that letterly, English-lededly, English-lededly, that they're mathematically equivalent. And is it true that Michael Ward is an anagram of Wardle Mike? Correct. Leakham Drawer is my name backwards, as I've known since last Tuesday. You never thought about it until last Tuesday? No, I'm joking, I've known it for quite some time. Yeah. At least a couple of weeks.

Let's leak them drawer. Yeah. No, I really like, you know, word, jumbling. Oh, jumbling. Yeah. And word play and word trickery and all of that stuff. Are you a crossword person?

Yeah, when I'm cryptic? No, no, my wife does the cryptic. I do the quick. I saw it. I saw it and do a cryptic, but I'm not very good at them. Yeah, right. He said cryptically. Deer!

No, not really. I'll say it again and see if it's cryptic. I do the quick. Is that cryptic? Look. No, no, no, I can't. That's even less cryptic, perhaps, than the previous one.

I do a puzzle of squares and letters on newsprint. What am I? Oh, I'm still thinking it's not really cryptic, it's just a sort of a description. That's not cryptic. It's a description of the answer. It's a descriptive. Yes, it's just...

Yes. This is like a regular crossword, where they kind of do that. So yeah, it was a... You essentially described a regular crossword. Yeah, I do. I think we should come up with a... An even quicker version of the quick crossword.

Basically, we just give you the answers, but we sort of phrase them as if they're cryptic. So we say, my first letter is A, but followed by N. N? Yeah, that was it. The really quick. Oh, OK. Quicker than that? Well, it would right the answers?

Mm-hmm. And then you're right. The quickest one is a field in Crosswood. It is. It's already filled in. You just look at it and nod and go, oh, right. And I'll fix it together. Maybe you could write your name at the top. This is a space for you. Sure. Michael did this. Yeah. I feel like there's going to be one that gives you, that's quite quick, but still gives you that feeling of satisfaction. I guess you've already done that with that. Maybe one that just lies to you, it's not, the answer is not dog. Right. And when you put in dog, you're like, god damn it, it was dog.

There is a very quick crossword, like beneath the quick crossword is one where it's six, four squares or something, or eight squares. And it's just four words reading across and the same is down. So you need to know four letter words, that's it. But I feel like even that's pitching a little bit higher, that high for the audience that we're targeting now. The dummies. Hey, how you going?

Do you think that we could, maybe we could offer them and they're just like a sort of transfer, you peel it off a piece of paper, right? And it's got all the answers written on you, you just stick it down over the top. So you just peel it off one side and you stick it down over the top there. So you still have the feeling of you've put the words in the squares, but just a little sticky thing, little transparent, little transfer on there. Or maybe we could even have a book full of them. We give people a book full of them, right? And you keep it in your pocket, of your jacket, or whatever. And when you sit down in front of a newspaper,

anywhere, you just look in there and there's just a whole lot of different filled in crosswords and you just peel one out. So, obitiously, and you stick it down on the page and then you look around the room, going, hmmm, I know you see one today and you hold it up like that. Sure, yeah.

And it was like, oh wow, he only just got here 30 seconds ago and already he's filled out an entire crossword. I always thought that was a good way to impress a girl would be to do the crossword at home. Then you go to work on the train and you see the girl that you have your eye on and you just pull out the paper and just basically complete it in 30 seconds

because you've already done it before. And she was thinking to myself, Jesus God is pretty good. I'd like to. I'd like to crossword with him. Strip him naked and... But then it's kind of that scenario though, when you do finally get her home. And then she's like, why don't we do a crossword? You know, obviously that's the first thing on her mind.

She does seem like that type. I was thinking more to a cross room where there's a bed. She goes, I don't get it. Bedroom. Oh, that's not to a cross. No, not enough letters. Bendy? Look, I actually, I really like the idea of a guy who tries to pick up.

Oh, yeah, I think that's great. Yeah, but then like what's, but could you also do it with it? Did you ever have the spot the difference in your, we had one in the Mercury in Tasmania, trying to impress a girl with the spot the distance. I work it out at home. This is where I had to choose a different color. So you're doing it out loud as well. To really not wearing a hat,

choose a different color. Only three drops of rain on the pavement there. This guy is good. An easy one today. I just thought about that guy who pre-does the thing and then does it quickly in front of the lady to impress her. So, I think that should result in a date. But then I think later on he could end up in a sort of life for death situation in which

he requires him to be able to do a crossword quite quickly. And then she's like, oh, thank God. I've never picked a better partner for a desperate situation like this. She's got no doubt in her mind that he'll be able to do it. And I've been in a few desperate situations like this. And none of the partners I've picked for them have been nearly as appropriate as you for this one. You've never seen that in a thriller film at the end where the countdown clock on the nuclear weapon is counting down and the guy has to do a crossword

like at the end of Mission Impossible Law, a Bond film or something. It's always wires. It's always wires, co-edric. A red clock on the blue instead of, what's two across or It's always wires, kind of like on the blue, and instead of, you know, what's to a cross or what's six down. I mean, like, the serial killers who have a gimmick and things like that, it doesn't often cross,

well, it doesn't often cross to bombers, people who, you know, sort of are willing to, you know, sort of put up, because it's so much. Indiscriminately blow up at whole. Well, you know, I think like that, and so, because I guess there's so much intro you can see that goes into building a good bomb in the first place that often they don't feel like they need a gimmick.

But to add to that, be the crossword bomber, to have a thing, the panel like that, you actually can't access the wires. It's no wires, it's wireless. It's a wireless bomb. So it's the fuchsia. So there's nothing to cut. Yep.

Like that, right? Wireless bombs, that's good. Yeah, it's really nice. Not even any wires inside or anything like that. It's just wireless bomb, you know, so it's a fuchsia, so there's nothing to cut. Yep. Like that, right? Wireless bombs, that's good. No, it's really nice. Not even any wires inside or anything like that. It's just crossword, just crossword. And then bomb. It's just bomb. Oh, I see you.

Yeah, so it's the crossword bomber. Yeah. And then she, I guess, realizesises the error of her mistake picking. Surely there was a Batman villain to do with crosswords, like the crossword or the puzzler or something. Well, there was the Rizzler. The Rizzler. The Rizzler.

Yeah, there was the puzzle king or something like that, I'm sure. There was the Riddler. Yeah, I'm so in person, I'd see him. Well, I'm saying that as well as him, there was the redler. But if I'm saying beside your one, your one, that's beside my one, I'm saying is my one. Is the redler? Yeah. And Dr. Sudoku would have been a villain if Sudoku had existed back in the 60s.

Absolutely. Do you think he would have been from the Orient? Why not? It's Sidoku's, because it's got a name that makes it sound like it's from Japan or something like that. Yeah, I've looked this up before, but I can't, I forgot it now, but I think it was originated in Japan that was first in an English newspaper, I think. Let's roll it in with Spider-Man and we'll have him as Dr. Suddok de Gone. Yes. Suddok de... yeah.

Wait, was Dr. Octopus, was he a Dr. Octagon? Oh, was he not... I thought he was Dr. Octagon. Well, I thought Dr. Octopus. Dr. Octopus, that explains the eight arms. Well, it's because the eight arms... The eight arms really helped him in the UFC. Oh, yeah. Wait, did he go in UFC? No, but that's played in an octagon.

Oh, okay. I am really done on this episode. No water-fighting club. Is it right? Octopus. Is it right? Underwater fighting club. Yeah.

I think that's our next idea. Yeah. So Octopus has got 8 arms, so yes, probably pretty good. Are we fighting sea creatures? Yeah, sea creature versus sea creature. Yeah, I mean the crab. In its own weight division, it's not like having a crab versus a make-o shark or something. Although, I mean, that would be appointment viewing for me. I would absolutely tune in for that. I also think that the shark would struggle too, because the crabs down there on the ground, the shark, the way its mouth is desired, its nose is sort of in front of

its mouth. So it's not good for picking things off a flat surface. I think the shark, I think you could sort of, you could rope a dope, sort of the shark. And you would just be battering its nose constantly. Yeah, yeah. Try and get to the flat. Where it's self out and then it's nip time. Yeah. Nip, nip, nip that fin, nip the nose.

Oh, yeah. Getting that nip in the nostril, that'd be the worst. And then if you, I think, isn't it, if you pull a shark backwards, I don't know if I've, crab has got the strength to do that, but if you pull a shark backwards, it doesn't it muck it up with its gills or something. Oh, I think so. Yeah, muck it up. I think that's the technical tip.

Yeah, muck it up. Yeah. Yeah. This shark has been mucked up. Are you saying that, so that would be top of the bill? Crab the,rab the shark. Or on the other side. Oh look, I'd like the night to start out with crabby.

We're gonna wake up to krill versus, wow. I mean, a whale against the single krill. Yeah, yeah, okay, that's interesting, because you gotta find it first. And if the krill, because I think most krill are kind of, they're not intent on doing any harm, right? They're very much like, they've very much accepted their fate, I assume, that they're just gonna be swallowed up

in a huge mouth, right? And so they don't fight back. But if the krill, they're quite zen. Yeah, it's very zen. I think zen is the right word. And so they know they're well-foughted from when they're born. Do it. I'm pretty sure, I'm pretty sure.

They're aware of that. I'm pretty sure their parents build in sort of like a defeatism into them, like just an acceptance. So I said to the birds and the bees kind of talk from the father or the mother, Krill. It's basically you are well-food. Yeah, the you and the void. Yeah, the you and the house. That is not a, that is. Yeah, the you and the void. Yeah, the you and the house.

That is not a, that is, we have the birds and the bees talk. You know, your parents sit you down and talk you, I mean, tell you about love and sex, et cetera. But at no point do they sit you down and talk to you about the inevitability of death. And I think that that should be a good one. Well, they sit you down, they have the crib and the whale talk with you as well.

Maybe a couple of weeks after the birds and the bees. I mean, it's not that, you know, obviously you're already speaking about it as an analogy anyway. But you know, we're this small thing who gets enveloped by this darkness. Yeah. You know, it doesn't seem... You know, are you talking as a krill? Well, as a human, you know, we are, you know, it doesn't seem... Are you talking as a krill? Or as a human, you know, we are, you know, we're just awaiting, you know, the giant...

We're floating time. Yes, we're kind of human krill in a way. Exactly. And krill, the universe is the whale. For eternity or oblivion, maybe oblivions the whale. So that's where the idea of those in those kind of new age shops where you see Orca, killer whales in space. Is that? Is that? Is this a thing? Yeah, you know those paintings where we see whales in space. I think usually Orca.

Anyway, is there often a rainbow in there? There's rainbows, there might be a unicorn looking up at it, but I'm from Earth. From Earth, maybe we're out of the picture. With a telescope or a... No, no, they can see it. Orca. But I'm just saying this picture might be a cosmic representation of what we're talking about right now,

sort of the idea of we are krill to the universe as whale. Mmm, absolutely. Yeah. Maybe it's not your parents who sit you down and have this conversation with you. I think your grandparents sit you down and have the conversation with you back in Berlin. If indeed there are a lot of, and the great whale of identity has an already swallowed them and sort of push them up against the its by-lead with its tongue and then filter it out the the carcasses of the many.

I guess just slowly digested them with stomach acids and things like that. I guess that would be a great way to go for a curl. But I guess you maybe the parents don't tell them about that part? Yeah, I think you end the analogy before it gets to the digestion. Yeah, just to the swallow it up. That's bad. You swallow it up. Yeah.

You copy a mean swallowing. But just to go back to our underwater fighting champion. Well, that's where I was going back to. Yeah, cut that wrist out. Because. No, don't cut it champion. Well, that's where I was going back to. Yeah, cut that wrist out. Because. No, don't cut it out. You don't know.

I think another advantage for the krill and the krill versus the whale match up is that the, I assume this all takes place inside some sort of cage, you know, because that's the one. And the whale is going to be so big, it's going to be very restricted. It's essentially already sort of trapped in a shark net. And I think if the krill can just weight it out, the whale won't be able to come up for air and we'll just suffocate and die.

So, you know. That's the usual tactic. Yeah, it's the standard. Yeah, well, there would be that. And then that and maybe like sort of going into to their little holes, you know, like if they've got like ears or eyeballs, you know, if you're getting that, I reckon it'd be very uncomfortable if they got into that part, you know, like under your eyelid or whatever like that. That is that is completely

like debilitating to have like Elegal though in UFC though. No, I know I get outching and no crawling in under the eyelid Irritating what about getting it's but if you do get in the ear, you get in the ear, you could whisper all sorts of disparaging things. You could really, you know, you could talk them down, pretend to be their conscience, and tell them that it's a mammal. Yeah, exactly. You know, along here.

Yeah. Do the fish have trainers in their corner? I mean, does, I know the cage is like eight-sided, like you were saying before Octagon. That's what I was saying. But you have sea, do they have trainers in their one of their eight corners? Okay, and they have a choice of corner. And do they change corners,

or do you always know where they are? Is the Octagon always spinning? Spinning, yeah. If they were just dizzy, I think that would be very funny if they were, if they were dizzy at all times. So we have it. So the thing is spinning, right? The octagon is spinning. Two faster.

Not two faster. No, but the camera is rigged to the octagon. So from our point of view as the audience, it looks like it's stationary, but from the inertial forces experienced by the fighters are always throwing them out to the extremities and they're dizzy. Yeah, DFC. The dizzy fighting championships. And when they're not using the Octagon for fighting matches, they slow it down and use it as a revolving restaurant or something.

Yeah, you're right. See that's beautiful. or one giant lazy Susan. Speed it up, use it as a salad spinner. Of course. You know, once you've got some large spinning sort of cage, why not sort of, in its downtime, like David Sharma, candidate for Wentworth said, when schools aren't being used, like, you know, they're only used a third of the time, why don't we put them on Airbnb? I think you're spinning ultimate fighting cage. Check it up there. People

who use as a giant salad. It's a philosophical question though. Yes. Salad underwater in a spinning salad. Can it ever be dry? Sure, yeah. I mean, maybe the spinning would sort of extract some of the salt or something Yeah, I don't know or is it kind of more of a centrifuge? Maybe we could use it for sort of for the the early stages of sort of making Your rain like sort of nuclear bomb grade uranium or something like that. I mean, it's a it's a market economy I think if that's what the market wants to use this for, if the North Koreans or something want to hire it for a couple of hours to refine some plutonium,

then that's just what the market wants. And it would be fools not to take their $27.50 a night plus cleaning fee. I would just like to see one category of the Underwater Fighting Club B. Man vs. A Sea creature. And again, same weight class. So, because I mean, what are we talking like a tuna? Well, yeah, I guess tuna, but anything that's like, if you can find a squid that is the same weight as you, which I guess in the ocean, we're all weightless. So it's actually your weightless class.

Is that the case? Is that the case that we're all weightless in the ocean? Oh, should we do it with some white? No, no, no, no, waitless. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm thinking of Orcas in space. Okay. You fight sea creatures in space. Right. Yeah.

In a tag team. Tank team. No. Sorry. Tank team underwater. Tag team in space. Yeah. Tag team in space.

One man, one sea creature versus one man, one see creature. Yeah, also, and both the sea creatures are also male. Sure. Yeah, for balance. Just for balance. I don't know. And the secret is where a mask locking Mexican wrestling just I think that's really good. Yeah, yeah, also so that they can breathe. Sure. Yeah. I mean, just this, I was thinking of an orca's space suit would just be mostly like a tank over its hole, over its back hole. You could have its mouth free to do whatever it wants. Right, with us, we need to cover our mouth when we're in space because that's where we're

breathing from. But they have their mouth free, so they could be holding like, you know, tools and if they're fixing the outside of a ship or whatever, they've got their mouth free, so they could be holding tools and if they're fixing the outside of a ship or whatever, they've got their mouth free to hold a screwdriver while they feed it. With their arms, yeah. That must be so good for them to keep their flippers free for that fine manual work. Well, because a flipper, a flipper is already kind of essentially like a,

what's that screwdriver with just the flat? Yeah, a regular flathead screwdriver. A flathead screwdriver. So, if you had a whale space station, they could just use the ones that, you know, like screws that are big enough that you could just use your flipper. I would argue that if you'd never progress beyond the flathead screwdriver, there's no way you would have made it to space. That's what I think I think.

I think Philips headscrew screws are one of the crucial stepping stones to conquering the galaxy. Well, that's why they have their mouth free so that they can hold a Phillips head in case somebody's put one in. Right, but then they'd have to spin their entire bodies to screw in there. Well, you just hold it with the two flippers.

Wait. So they're holding it there while they're screwing other things with their hands with the flippers. What? So they're holding it there while they're screwing other things with their hands, with their flippers. Yeah, sure. And then when they need the extra screwdriver, they take it from their mouth, put it in their flippers, and then just do this.

I think you're saying they're not wearing a spice helmet, that? Yeah, I'm saying they don't have to. They just have a spice plug that goes into their blow. Well, just an air. Yeah, just air just an air sort of thing into their into their into their plug Yeah, space plug into their blow hole They can have their mouth free because they don't they don't breathe through their mouth. Do they? I mean they probably could they probably can but they choose not to so that they can have their mouth free Scroodrunner old screwdrivers. All screwdrivers.

Come on, Warty. I would go the opposite way and have the blow hole as you little sort of where you hold all your tools. And just, it's basically a little pen holder, like you might have a desk. Yeah. The challenge there is, are they able to reach up there with a flipper?

I don't know if their flippers reach around to the blowhole. Or do they kind of like do they just have a button that they can press on their chest or whatever, where different screwdrivers and tools just stick out of their blowhole and then they just do all their work from the blowhole. So it's like lodged in there and then they kind of

just spin themselves because they're used to spinning like that from when they were swimming, from when they were sort of water-based creatures. Just a question on screwdrivers. Yeah, thank God. Do you? Imagine inventing a screwdriver and then along comes Philips and just all he does is add a little cross bit to your original screwdriver and then Mr. Arrogant names it after himself. It's true, yeah. Well, you have a named your original screwdriver, like a Smiths screwdriver or something. Yeah, you'd be incredibly annoyed and disappointed. Yeah, it's incredibly arrogant.

And really, if you say you are Smith and you've made the regular screwdriver and then Philip just adds an extra cross, really, he's just made a double Smith. Right? He has. That's still your cross. Really, he's just made a double smith, right? He has. That's still your idea. I know, I know. You'd be kicking yourself though that you didn't A, that you didn't name the screwdriver after yourself. Sure, sure.

Unless your name was John Screwdriver. John Screwdriver. John Regular. Oh, no. And two, you'd be kicking yourself that you didn't, I presume, you didn't tag out some sort of patent and reap the eternal benefits And too, you'd be kicking yourself that you didn't, I presume, you didn't tag out some sort of patent and, you know, reap the, uh, eternal benefits of, um, sales of Phillips head screwdrivers.

Ironically, your grip on the screwdriver industry slipped out, like a, like a regular screwdriver out of one of your very screws. Yes. That's why I think these days they teach entrepreneurs and inventors to, when you invent a thing, you got to then invent every version of it that could possibly exist. Yes. So that way you're kind of undercutting your competition. So like you invent the Dyson Airblade, right? Okay, but then you also have to invent one that sort of takes all the water and then freezes it and gives it back to you as ice cubes to take away.

Yeah, and then sometimes you do the one that is a portable one that you put on your mouth, to blow out candles on your birthday when you don't have lung capacity. And dry your tongue when you want to excuse to not lick any stamps. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And so you just invent every variety that way. It didn't take a long time, that wouldn't it? I think you could probably get a computer to do a lot of it.

Like you just take keywords and you just switch them out and you automate it and then you just, you know, you're patent them. Or interns? Digitally. Interns to do it. Yeah, you get interns. But what you said when they teach you that sort of stuff

at entrepreneur school, I'm pretty sure the screwdriver story is chapter one in the textbook of mistakes not to make. Yeah, which is to just make something quite good and useful and then be undercut. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, I mean. How would it be if aliens came down to earth and the great technology that they wanted to share with us?

Was the Phillips screwdriver? Sorry guys, we've already got it. So thank you, but they could be really offended. Not time travel or, you know, sort of... Oh no, no, no, we have crossed the Ian's black, inky, eternity of space to bring you the greatest discovery are. Could race. Our ancient race has ever... Could you tell us how to travel long distances through space?

No, no, you don't understand. It's a screwdriver that enables you to screw in the screws with a sort of a cross shape. Things will sort of be held in place, and you know, it's kind of like a nail. Essentially, it does everything that a nail can do, but you turn it a little bit more. Yeah, now we've sort of already got on us. Yeah, we already have those. We sort of magnetize the tips, so they stay onto your screwdriver.

Yes. Magnetize the tip. God damn it. What would we, if we cross the eons to another alien civilization to bring them gifts of technology, what would we take? Maybe the Dyson Airblade. Dyson Airblade, a bow and arrow. Bow and arrow.

Yeah. I mean, Dyson Airblade is pretty good, because... Dyson Airblade feels like something that if we came across the right alien enemy, like it say it was some kind of land-based squid or something, it could be a very effective weapon against it. Yes. You know, to sort of dry this. It could be a great, yeah.

Suck them, you know, they're flappy little limbs or something. Great twist at the end of the story is that it's a dice in himself probably pipes up. Nobody's been listening to him. Mm-hmm. But then he pipes up and shows them that the Dyson Amblade can indeed destroy the... much like the common cold destroyed the Martians in the War of the Worlds. Or a seawater killed the triffits in attack of the triffits in the movie at least. That one was particularly like...

We haven't seen water. Yeah, the triffits, day of the triffits, in the movie day of the triffits. They killed the triff in the movie day of the triplets. They kill the triplets with sea water. I screwed them. Yeah, they're in a lighthouse or something. They squirt them with water and the triplets go, oh no. It can be very dehydrating. So then they die to dehydrate. Not thinking of signs. No, that was just regular water. Oh, yes, regular water. Yeah, tap water. I come on. Yeah, yeah. Totally different. I mean, look, I could be wrong, but if I am, I will kill myself.

So if anyone brings it to my attention, I want you to know that you will kill, you will have my blood on your hands. You know, there was a sequel to the day the triffits are an officially, you know, official sequel to, called Night of the Trifids. Mm. Sanced by the Windom S. Day. Yeah, I haven't read it, but... No, so not written by.

No, because John Windom died in 60s probably, but... Saltwater, was it? It was. Yeah, in a lighthouse. Yeah. Was he that guy in that famous photo of the lighthouse with that huge wave and then the lighthouse? That's him looks out. That's him. Yeah. That was John Windon. Anyway, all that seawater landed on him. Right? Turns out he was he was allergic.

Oh no. That was the commentary position for the underwater fight club. Just in the lighthouse. Look down. And. Wow, so you have to like try to like see through the reflections on the, on the, on the top of the water. And, well, and quite a lot of sloshing, sort of, some white wash. You do have a Dyson Aquascope, though. Oh, nice.

That's another. One of the major sponsors of the competition. Dyson Aquascope. So does it blow air? Or is it? It blows air in a tunnel like a kind of formation that allows you to almost make a tunnel through the ocean down to, so you're basically looking through clean air.

I think this is actually a pretty cool idea because you can get those water sucking, one of those things in the ocean, the North-Lose was sucked at, yeah, whirlpool, right? Maelstrom. Yeah. That's more in the sky, maybe a was sucked at, yeah, whirlpool, right? Maelstrom. Yeah. That's more in the sky, maybe a Maelstrom? No, no. Mael, you could have a Maelstrom in anything.

Definitely in the water. Could you have a Maelstrom in custard? Yes, you could. Yeah, great. Yeah, great. What about with just physical objects? Let's see, it was like a... Like a poltergeist.

Like a poltergeist. I opened the door and every... All those stuff scones whirling around in the... In the air. Oh yeah. You know, the toys in the kids room. You could call that a mouse. Like a bucket of Angry Birds. Could that... Well, not under the right conditions.

Yeah, have a mouse from in there. Yeah, great. I think a mouse from just a cooler word than Whirlpool and more of a clever shows that I'm more clever than you. Yeah, yeah. For some reason it makes me think of ghosts. Yeah, all right. Well, there was a story by, um, listen in, you get your pens out for this one. All right. There was a story by Ed Gellampo called Descent into the Mellstrom.

Oh, yeah, right. And somebody was falling into a twirly sort of a twirly thing. Yeah, no, no, no, no, they were going to the beach. Actually, the name was a great title. But it was very, but it was a very, it sounds better than dissenting the world pool, isn't it? Yeah, that's true. Because then that's got pool in it, which makes you sound like you're going to have fun. If I was the White Goods manufacturer, I would have named myself Malzor.

No, I would have. I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I'd have, I don't know if it sounds more classy, like smeg or Bosch. Sure, sure. Smeg. I think... Smeg's classy? I think both smeg and Bosch are terrible names for white goods,

and they shouldn't have been allowed to get as far as they did. I think the only thing that would be worse as a name is possibly mailed strong, because it also conveys the idea of sort of indiscriminate destruction, which is not necessarily something you want to associate with your dishwasher. But they might just only make washing machines, which do rely on the water going around. I think even so, the terrifying vortex taking one into the deep unknown, buying vortex, taking one into the deep unknown,

with violence and unpleasantness, aplenty is not a good name. But I mean, I mean, I think the only company that really could have called themselves Metalstrom would have been Dyson, but he learned from the screwdriver guy that you got to need the company after yourself. Up yourself, yes. Some of you say.

What about Melee? Happy with Melee as a brand name? What could it be? It makes me think of Honey because of the first four letters are Honey and French. Melee? Melee. Really? Yeah.

But I think this was at German, Melee? I think it is, yeah. It's a good quality vacuum cleaner, but now I have a robot vacuum cleaner, so I don't use my regular vacuum cleaner. A robot vacuum cleaner. Because there's a present. Jeez, I wouldn't trust one of them. No, I recognize that it is.

I know. It's a Chinese company, and I think they're probably stealing all my interesting, more time information and dust. Yeah, yeah, and cleaning what the Chinese want to be cleaned in your house. Not what you want. Which is certain areas. What the hell? She's this, my study is very dirty.

Why isn't the robot vacuum cleaner cleaning my study? My study is very dirty. That's really undermining my productivity and leading to a general slump in Australia's economic fortune, producing our standard in the Pacific and making it easier for the Spratley Islands to be developed in the South China Sea. Yes, I really, really don't know. Yeah.

A sneaky robot vacuum cleaner. Yeah, well, I mean, it is, you know, the fact that they got into our our house. Should I write sneaky Chinese robot vacuum? Does that make it seem? I mean, look, we are suggesting that the Chinese are spying and trying to But I think that's that's the whole joke I think that's a large portion of the joke. It could be anyone. We could joke joke. We could join

No joke we could John Marsden it and we could just call them strangers from the North You know, um, is that what he did? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. And why that's even more racist to me? Really? No, it's not. No, no, no. You could just use a slur. Now, when we're going into... Sorry, we've got five ideas yet.

I've got to catch the tram. We look... Joking. We do have five But I'm looking you got us a good though You got us good. We really thought you had to catch the tram. I drove stupidly Oh, yeah, well, but if you cut the tram you'd still be stuck on Sydney Road, which was the problem in the first place, right?

No, Sydney Road was the traffic was okay. Well, really? Yeah. Oh, there you go. On the way along Sydney Road, I was thinking, if Sydney Road came up on this podcast, I was thinking, well, what does Sydney Road mean to a listener in America or France where a meal means honey? I mean, do they, do you need to describe? It's a busy road, isn't it, with trams, which are large, bus-like things that are along the middle.

They have wheels, which are kind of circular things. They often are fitted on actual shops. They have shops on either side of the road. So a shop is sort of a box, a big box, with a flap in the front where you can go in and you swap things for other things. You can set a price smaller boxes. That's sometimes.

Yeah, and then it's how the box could be stuffed, but not shops. The smaller boxes aren't shops. Yeah, you don't buy things in the smaller box. We use money in the shops. Like you do, listen up. Now money, I realize sounds like honey. Yes. But with the handbid.

And the handbid is a thing of melee. I was thinking of melee, so it was a lot of background. We started. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so Sydney Road, so. I think that maybe people who are friends. We started, but yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so yeah, Sydney Road. I think that maybe people who are not from here are happy to learn a little bit about Melbourne piece by piece by having little things introduced to them that they've never heard

of like Sydney Road. Mm. And being drip fed. Being drip fed. And then maybe one day they'll Google it and they'll be like, oh, what is Sydney Road? And then they'll look it up and they'll go, oh, it's just this road that kind of has like a... It's weird that the only thing that they know about Melbourne is that it has a Sydney road

in it. Sydney being the other big city in Australia. Yeah, it's the kind of intrigue that will lead to a definite Google. Sure. I'm sure on Google Earth you can look up Sydney Road and take a virtual cruise along the road. Oh, there you go. They should look at it at Sydney Road and then you can go back in time on Google Maps and you can see what it looked like sort of 10 years ago. Really? Yeah, there's that option for every time basically they've sent through the Google car or whatever.

So Google Maps actually does allow you to travel through time and space. Space time. Einstein would have loved Google Maps actually does allow you to travel through time and space. Mm-hmm. Space time. Einstein would have loved Google Maps. Oh, he would have loved it. I thought he'd live to see Google Maps. That was the real tragedy, I think. It was.

Yeah. Have Einstein's death. Yeah. From... Malaria era. I thought it was saltwater poisoning. I thought it was a whale. It was a whale, but it was something that tied into something we said earlier that

sounds funny when we call it back. Wasn't it? That's what it meant to be. Yeah. I hope so anyway. It would be rather than the sadness of somebody actually dying or something probably you got from a mosquito. He died from welcome

to this podcast. We don't say that. What podcast? Then welcome to this podcast. I doubt you. No, no, no, no. We were. It's so incredible. He died of being having Michael Ward introduced to him. Really? That would be amazing. He died of the planet broadcasting sting. He died. Oh, pressing play on the podcast app. Yeah. If only Einstein had lived. I think if somebody could have lived forever, Einstein would have been a good one, but I think he would have had to you know, sort of undergone some kind of surgery, some kind of, you know, mutation or something like that to make him live. So he would still be around, but he might have like been given an exoskeleton and a like a, you know, sort of like a... So be like a crab.

And we could fight him, we could... With a shark! In an exoskeleton that we're here. Okay, so humanity gets together and we all chip in, everyone in the world chips in a couple of bucks to buy Einstein, a robotic exoskeleton that allows him to live forever. But in doing so, we all sort of own Einstein. We get to sort of tell him what to do.

How long do you think it is before? Like he's towards, and also bear in mind towards the end of his life, he wasn't really making any valuable theories. Okay, he didn't really put branches in theory of the grand unified theory of everything. Okay, so, you know, is it like 50, 60, 100 years in the future, humanity's been funding

keeping Einstein alive this whole time. Yeah. And he hasn't given us much, how long until we get him to fight a shark? Well, that's right, it's kind of like, it sort of like breaks it. At some point, somebody just puts him to fight a shark. Well, that's right. It's sort of like Brexit. At some point somebody just puts it to a vote. Somebody decides, you know what? I'll just put it to a vote.

We'll just sort this out. People are saying like there's a lot of dissent and a lot of right wing websites have sort of building up the idea that we have to let Einstein fight a shark. We'll just do a referendum. We'll get it out of the way. I'm sure that the good people of the earth won't vote for Einstein to fight a shark. And then it'll be, it'll be, it'll be put to bed, that we know further debate on the issue. Anyway, we put it to a referendum. It's like 60% of people want Einstein to fight a shark.

Yeah. Yeah. And then we're like, right, okay, well now we've got to make this happen. And then we have to create, we'll not only do we have to create this underwater sort of octagon. So I guess it's like a, but it's like a, what's a sort of a 3D octagon? You know what you do, what you say?

Don't take a heatron. No, no. That's a 2D. Mm. You know, so rectangular prism. So it's probably just octangular prism. Octangular. Yes. Do you think so? Octangular prism, so it's probably just octangular prism. Octangular. Yes. Do you think so? Octangular prism? No.

No. What about an octangular cylinder? Like, it just flat on the top and flat on the bottom? Yeah, it could just be octagons both ways. Yeah, yeah, well, but flat. But then it would be like a soccer ball or something. Yeah, look, all right, just for the sake of it, it'll be like a cylinder, but octagon shape. So it's just long. A long octagon.

It's long, and then it's it's got enough width to fit a whale in or a Mako shark. And then Einstein as a crab with a sort of like, yeah, but I think I think I think if we're going to get him to fight in this league, he's not only going to have to. Oh, this is be the 20,000 league under the sea. Yeah. Every one of those leagues. That's one of the 20,000. Yeah, lots of jewels. Yeah, every one of those leaks. That's one of the 20th house Yeah, lots of jewels Yeah, absolutely and they'll be one of those crabs that collects you know I was trying to work out. I was gonna suggest it was one of those crabs that puts sort of crazy shell Also, there are a lot of duels like dual duel one-on-one fights

So I was very thrown by that. And also probably a lot of jewels, J-E-W-E-L, on the belt that they were. Yes, and also... On the inflatable life belt that takes them to this area. Pirates buried treasure underwater. Yeah. Did they? Not intentionally, but yes.

Oh really, so when they were buried... Very nature-dowed. What they didn't do that underwater, they would actually just do that on land. How do you do your whole underwater if you're a pirate? X marks the spot. Get a bit of shovel. Yeah, right.

You go down there, you get one. You go down there. I feel like you skipped over some steps, haven't you? It's okay, two guys. You can't say go down there. Two guys, two pirates, one's got a shovel. That shovel's already weighing them down, and he's also holding a big chest filled with metal. Okay, okay.

And now we're holding a locker, like a David Jones locker that he's... That's what David Jones locker comes from. I don't know what a David Jones locker is. It was a heavy locker that they used to enable them to sink to the bottom of the ocean. Yeah, right. Well, let's see that, that's really good, because I was going to get the second guy to be swimming downwards, pushing the other person so that they could just sort of stand normally as the hands, push them down on the ground. The other person's kind of swimming down while the other guy shovels like that.

And then eventually they just both together, lift the, you know, just tip the gold into the ground like that. And then they would sort of put a stick there. So I put two sticks in an X formation just they go remember that bit. Yeah you absolutely got that yeah yeah it's an I stand corrected. Yeah. Can I just say David Jones's foot locker right is a pirate shoe shop. Yes. And but you know how in regular shoe shops they have one shoe on the shelf, and then they've got the other one out the back.

So you can't steal it. Obviously, because all parrots have only got one leg, they only have half the shoe on the shelf, and then they have the other half out the back. So the counts, the parrots count, which is in their nature. In their nature, very much. It's a terrible demographic to choose

to target your one-legged shoe shop towards the standard pirate. Absolutely. How do you reckon they mend the shoe, right before they do it? Like I know, I know this is a really awful question. That doesn't help anything. But what are you reckon to use glue? Yeah, hot glue gun. Hot glue gun.

Hot glue gun. HGG. No, HGG. Hot glue gun. Oh, HGG. And do they do this underwater? Or this is not an underwater shop? No, the other water shop. Shop underwater.

Now, sorry, shop. Remember,, is just a box with a flat door. Sorry, yeah. So, but now you're going to have to picture it without Sydney Road. Obviously, I know that can't explain. I can't do that. I'm trying. I think I've just been picturing every sketch idea involves us being underwater. This is the underwater episode.

It's fun. If you were smart, you would open, if David Jones' foot locker was in your street in the shop next door, we came vacant. If you were smart, you would open like a bird seed. Oh yeah, sure. For the cater for the parents. Absolute synergy for the parrot traffic.

Oh, and this is what would happen, right? Somebody would open up a parrot seats that place right next door, and then Davy Jones is gonna be like, I should have thought of that. And so he's gonna just start selling like, just on the counter, just as little giveaways, like just little bells, little bells of seeds and stuff like that.

Point and sales stuff that's like an impulse for the parrots. Exactly. Yeah. And then the parr impulse for the parrots. Exactly. Yeah. And the parrots got the parrots here. Yeah. Yeah. Burnt seat. Burnt bell.

And the parrots, I guess. Oh, okay. Just this once. But then that guy next door, with the bird seed shop, he's getting undercut now. And then they all, you know, they all know criminals. He brings shoes in. He brings, oh, that they all know criminals. He brings shoes in he brings Counter there. Yes shoes for the wood for the wooden leg as well

You know like you know like those you need a shoe for wooden leg make sure rubber stopper that rubber stopper Yeah, rubber stopper. They're bad movie that didn't they? rubber stopper. They always in that was't they? Rubber stopper. Stan Hall was in that one. Yes, it was. Rubber stopper. Stopper. Very violent. So lots of doors. So lots of doors.

That's a slamming until these guys came along. In reference to Rompestomper, the Australian skinhead film. Great film. And this is Rubber Stopper, which is the same movie but with pirates instead of skinheads. Yeah. And I haven't actually seen it so I don't know anything else that happens. You've never seen a rump of stopper. I have not.

No. Wow. I don't like violence. Oh fair enough. You should see it for Steven Hall is in a sailor suit. That's enough. Is he dressed as a pirate? No, there's a sailor. Well, there's some crossover.

Yeah, a little bit. Yeah. Anyway, a pirate stop never gets dressed as sailors. That's one of the things. Yeah, really? Oh, OK. How would you, if you were in the rubber stopper game? Yeah.

How would you diversify your product? Would it just be different colors? High heel. High heel? Because it's all heel though. So just a thick stopper. Yeah, maybe a stiletto. Oh yeah, this thin one. I don't steal this idea if you're in the rubber stopper game listening. Yeah. Because it's copyrighted as I say it, but I'd have a rubber stop with the lights up every time it hits the ground. I got a little light inside and that'd be pretty good or a little music or a little musical tune.

It's not just the look, it's also sound as well I think. Even like, you know, you could, because you've got a rubber stopper, but maybe you actually liked the sound of the wood hitting wood. The clip club. Yeah. That was quite hard on your hip bone. Yeah. Just that, that, don't, don't, like that. So you put it, it makes a sound like a...

Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career in a rewarding field, with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill.

Now is the time. Mycomputercareer.edu. The clip club, as you go, but you get that sort of soft cushiony. Yeah, it's just like a microchip with a little piece of electric sensor, and maybe it wirelessly sends a signal to a sort of a Bluetooth speaker that's strapped to your belt.

Or maybe you could make the eye patch could be a speaker So like an artificial clip clop on an artificial lake. Yeah, it's incredible. Yeah, so that's I think they can't see each other out And it's basically a real leg now at that point. Yes. Yes I Think I do like also these these two shops now kind of like one up in each other So so you can the birds he guys does put shoes on his on his the point of sale sort of things But then he also Starts stocking the rubber stoppers and so people are like actually I'm just gonna go to this place

I know initially was just everything but yeah, you can get not not only everything you can get from the shoe shop But more wait a minute wait a minute and then across the a guy opens a plank shop. Now what's going on? Well, no, no, you've got yourself a pirate hub. You've got a, you've got a, a triangular pirate hub. Yeah. Yeah. You've got a real district. Yeah. And I'm down to pirate district for all your pirate needs. Planks, rubber stoppers, bird seed, single shoes, eye patch speakers. I patch speakers. I would. I would. I patch obviously has a lower case eye. Then, you know. If I had a child pirate store, I call it iPatch. All the iPatch stores. Yes, and surely somebody's calling their shop, Jolly Rogers.

Mm. Come on down to Jolly Rogers for all your pirate needs. What about Keele Hall? Keele Hall's good. Yeah, you could get a, what a, what a hall. At Keele Hall. Yeah. They would advertise later at night, obviously.

Obviously. What about, when advertising is cheap? What about this? What about this? What about this? What about this? Well, then you don't have to spend as much as your gold. That's right, your doubloons. Yeah.

I think you want to advertise to the parents later night when advertising is cheap. To the cheap. To the cheap. To the cheap. It's all important parrot demographic. Yeah. Which is broken down not only by

parrots but also the age of parrots you know 18 to 39 parrots year-old parrots. There are parrots who live to like 110. Some of those gray parrots live really old and macaws as well might be particularly long lived. I did just look up macaws because I remember hearing about a macaw that lived 110, 120 years. But apparently their average age spends about 50. That's good. I mean, that's good for me. And by that time, they're hips going, they need a leg replacement or hip replacement. And I know, maybe the bird shop was selling tiny little legs.

A little peg wig. Absolutely. And what would be really nice is if they sold little smaller birds to go on the Parrots shoulders. No, no, it would be a tiny pirate. Oh, a tiny pirate to go on the shoulder of the parrot. It's the ultimate revenge of the parrot is to have a tiny pirate on the shoulder. And so do you think the parrots are kind of always plotting against the pirate that they're who's I guess sustaining them?

I think the I think pirates that pamper their parrots which by the way those words are very pirates are very similar Words pirates pampering parents is a good tongue to it's a covering parrots with purposeful paraphernalia Yeah, a parrot pop up store. Yeah Popping poryum then. I can't say the last one. Sturry. But I think a pirate who pamphets his parrot is maybe a funny, funny character in somewhere. You've got a pamper, your parrot or else it flies off. It's not sewn to your shoulder or glued to your shoulder.

It's there because it wants to be there and presumably because you are pampering it and it hangs around. But if you don't pamper your parrot, it's off. It's gone. So, yeah, because you don't think about that, the parrot is actually being quite tender to one animal. Like, you know, whilst, while all this kind of, you know, murdering instead of like, you know, what a throat slitting I imagine. Yes. A lot of like, slowly running blades and dusting up. Yes. Oh, it's big six. Oh. Jeez.

And not clean blades. Oh, no. Oh, no. Rusty, you don't show the kind of care to your blade that you do to this small bird I don't know and banging the table as well. I will stay it's my it's my new style I hate it. I hate it. It makes me angry. I'm being reckless today Yeah, it's all the pirate talk. It's gone to your head Anyway, so I think I've kind of written down. It's a Davy Jones foot locker and retail all out brawl You know as as this kind of like the the knick-knacks and the pirate, just that pirate market

was huge. Just would have been at one of those sort of stopover islands where pirates would go and get... We've basically talked about the evolution of a neighborhood. You know, first somebody takes the plunge to open a pirate themed shop. People say it's not going to work. And then another shop comes along. And then a third, the plank shop may be across the road. Suddenly, you've got a district and then attracts certain types.

Yeah. And then they have an annual pirate street festival. Absolutely. And then suddenly, as a pirate, you can't not go there, because this is a thing that serves your needs. And it gives you a, go there because this is a thing that serves your needs and it gives you a Like because everybody is buying all this this great pirate equipment from there You're actually at a disadvantage if you don't go visit this place and get the latest and greatest pirate, you know Nicknack, then you got pirate cafes opening out. Absolutely pirate restaurants

Pirates are moving in and sort of gentrifying the place. Mm-hmm. Absolutely. That's the bucket of ears, I think, with the bucket earring, regular income. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I suppose people who make boats, or I guess, do you make a boat as a pirate, or do you steal it? Ah, you'd steal it.

Yeah. But I guess you could have a shop where you could steal boats from. Yes, I guess. I guess you could have a shop where you could steal boats from. Yes, I guess so. But it's okay because the price is built in to the boats. That's right. So, you know, they factoring the fact that all the boats will be stolen when they price them. That's right.

So all they need to do is sell one boat a year. One boat for infinity dollars, double moons. I guess you'd did, yeah. Surely a cafe would be just called Cannon Balls. Meet me at Cannon Ball. Surely. Absolutely. Surely.

And like, take of another name. Porridge. Porridge would be served out of a little cannon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll be shot into your bowl from the cannon. You'd have a bowl on your table and across from the kitchen, they'd fire the... That's cool.

Powerage into your bowl. I thought it was in a very clever. Oh, I think it's very... Yeah, that's very clever. I was thinking maybe even the small cannonball and the porridge is in there and you lay it and you shoot the porridge into your mouth. Yeah, I think that's quite good

because I think the exploding gunpowder, if we could get it in such a way that the gunpowder cooks the explosion cooks the porridge, so it cooks in the air, on the way to your mouth, and you're down there. So it's served to you in a little cannon pointing up at an angle, you've got a little tamper there, you tamper down, and you've got a lighted taper just sitting in a You know, a little holder there some kind you put the taper to the wick the wick burns down It you open your mouth it shoots and cooks the porridge on its way to Impacting sort of in your soft palate up there at the top of your head. It's probably cooled in the last few seconds and in the air

Yeah, yeah as it rushes to Lord's right no the distances. Oh, they've worked all they've worked all that Maybe they measured the weight of measures you on the way down so they work out how much and if you want a job at cannonballs You tell you what you got to know how to swing on a rope Absolutely, it's all ropes when you're Roapsing the way to coming over to your table if not not walking and it's it's ropes No, actually cut loss between their teeth. Yes. Yes. Yes, which they which they is a pen That's how they take your all over to make it sort of thing.

I'm sure. Yeah, and set at the point of the blade. So they kind of have to hold it like up, near the tip of the blade, it's kind of wobbling up top. It looks a bit like a quill. And then at the tip of the blade is just like a ball point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they've got to say stuff like, you know,

they come by when you're eating your meal and everything be okay That sort of thing Hearty meal Are you having a good time? Like that like they say are Are you having a good time? Everything be okay. I guess Tarzan would be quite good at swinging on the rope.

So he could, you know, once he's sort of done with his like, because I guess he knows he's just lived in the rear. Yeah, his jungle career, he's kind of moved on to the ocean. Sure, he's doing all forms of... And once he moves off the ocean and then into the pirate street. Back into the, like, so I guess this is just off the beach, yeah. Yeah. I was picturing it around Berk Street.

Really? Berk Street's another street in Melbourne. Yes. Learning a lot. Named, of course, after Mr. Berk. Mm. Yeah, a lot of people know that, but there you go. Yeah.

Old Mr. Berk. Yeah, old Berkie. That's another one you can look up on Google Maps. Mm-hmm. Have a look. Go through that time vortex. Just quickly. I wrote down on my hand and I have a look, go through that time vortex. Just quickly, I wrote down on my hand and I'm sure this has been done in some sort of

pirate comedy of some kind. But Peg Head, that's a man who's had his head cut off, lost his head in a fight and they replaced it with a wooden peg. So he's still fights and stuff but he's got a, oh yeah, see another cartoon maybe? Yeah, it seems like something like this. Let's put this couch in. Pig leg, doesn't it? Yeah, that's right.

The pig head. Pig head. Yeah, the guy who's all pegged. All right, how about this head leg? He's a guy. So his body was cut off. Yeah, yeah, he's head. And his leg were both cut off, right, in a fight.

Right, and the surgeon there was sowing things back on. And his leg were both cut off, right, in a fight, right? And the surgeon there was sewing things back on. Mm-hmm. And maybe he was drunk or maybe just there wasn't time to move the head all the way up to the neck to sew it on. He had to sew it onto something. It was down by the leg because it had fallen off. He quickly sewed it onto the nearest available gaping wound.

So it's there on the leg. And then later on, he was able to secure the leg to the head hole. And now I guess he walks around with a long hat, long pointy hat. Who, he could hold a piece of wood in his mouth. Yeah, he holds it. Could hold a bit. Yeah. Or that, maybe. I see, when I was imagining that while you were talking, I was picturing, he just lost his leg. And then for some reason, the surgeon just puts another head on his face.

Another head? Yeah. Down his leg. His leg was. And then suddenly he's like, no way, I don't want a head. And he goes, well, it's already got conscious autonomy now. And it says it wants to stay. Yeah. like that. And then he's like, okay. It's a real, he said, like, said scenario.

Are you going to believe? Oh, what would he, what would he use? Pirate 9, bait to headed like leg bed, like, like, like, headed, like, keep head, like, like, like, like, like, head head head leg head leg leg leg leg leg Did you say you say brown beard? I said leg beard. What about brown beard? Yeah, okay He's got a he's got a head for a leg are we calling brown beard? That's good on account of his beard is brown. That's not it's an ironic I say yes

It's kind of because he's going cry, quarter. Young. We thought that was a ironic thing. I think we should go to the three words. We got the three words from our Patreon supporter today. Thanks to all our Patreon supporters who can chip in a small amount of money which really supports the podcast helps us to keep doing it and feel good and pay our mortgages. Pay the guests.

Pay attention to the guests which we wouldn't be able to do if we were distracted thinking about money. Thinking about how poor we are. And so thank you and bless you. Well, you've just thanked me because I, yes, I, Oh my God, you? Up to this point, it's been me contributing all the money to your show. Really?

I've had a different names. Really? So, my God, Michael, yeah. Thank you. It's my pleasure, guys. It's just important to me. No, but you don't know how important it's been to both of us, especially Andy. And you're ability to impersonate those people on

Twitter and sort of interact with us. It's no problem. Almost a full-time job Look guys when I created podcasting back in I created it for one reason and one reason only for guys like you You know share you share your love of things. That's what we do here. Into microphones. I'm just happy that it's worked out really well. So there are no podcast listeners in the world.

It's all you. So it's just the one, the guy who created podcasts is the only guy who listens to do you listen to all the podcasts and support all of them? Of course I do. So I guess you're watching up and that sort of thing. Yeah, yeah, it wasn't called, it wasn't called, of course, it wasn't called podcasting when I first invented it. It was called comedians talking to other comedians about comedy, you know, very boring and

circle jerky way. But I don't know, somebody coined the phrase podcast and Okay, Circle Jerky, it's a new product. It's salty. Yeah. And all the... It's circular. It's circular. So all the jerky strips are a little, actually, a mobius strip.

What do you call it? Circle Jerky. And... Wait, a mobius strip isn't a circle. Yeah, sort of is. It's a round, isn't it? But, wouldn't you say like it's like an infinity jerky or an infinity. Infinity jerky.

That's what we'll call it. Infinity jerky. I mean, it doesn't have quite the same sort of ring that I have the tight. I tell you what, if you ever want to strip paint, do not use mobius paint stripper because the paint just ends up on the other side of the ball. Absolutely. Very confusing. Wait. But also calling your thing circle jer ball. Absolutely. Yeah, that's very confusing. Wait.

But also calling your thing circle jerky. Yes. Ah, no, but I really want to stick with the name circle jerky. I want when people buy my meat product, I want them to think about a bunch of guys in a room together tossing each other off. What are you talking about? Hey.

No. That's good. Nothing to do with that. What? I've never even, I don't have no idea where you came up with that Elast what what about it's mobius stripping Like the paint stripping good every time you remove a piece of clothing it somehow goes on to another part of the Dates up on your back. Yeah

The music is slowed down and it really weird and And the music is slowed down and it really weird and can't even... Boooooooh! Boooooooh! Boooooooh! No, there is that musical phenomenon that you can play where it makes it sound like music is always speeding up or always slowing down. Right. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh,

duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, It's a way that they can do it. It's just like a timing thing that makes it sound like it's always speeding up, but it's staying the same pace. That's crazy. Yeah. So it's like a sort of musical parallelogram. I don't know.

It's with you in shapes today. I can't. I'm not even going to bother trying to imagine it. Anyway, so the three are used. Use the monetary contribution as well as, like, fellas. Thank you so much. Parrot Lelagram is a McCore, right, with a beak on both ends. It's not dumb, sorry.

You're going to take the course later. All right, so we got... I'll take your applause at the end. Today, today, it's the Donator, and word Donator is true. Yeah, they may, but anyway. Yeah, but as Drew Pysner, but in the middle, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's one of your, I love that character. Drew Pysner, one of your ILEI. He's also used the middle name, Bonser, or Bonsa, I guess, but I think he's from America. He sounds pretty awesome. Or the United Kingdom. Anyway, the three words today. Thank you Drew andway. Yeah, I mean, well, one of one of the interesting things about Cirque du Soleil is that you, they very much, they have a sort of a set menu when you go along to see it. You don't get to pick how many flips back flips and, you know, clown appearances and things where they roll down that rope. Sure. You want, so I mean, maybe you sort of a choose your own,

you know, Cirque de Soleil type scenario, you can go along to the big top or whatever and you say, what you want. I mean, obviously, I think there'd be a few more deaths because really they have to rehearse those things quite a bit in order to get them to the non-death point. Locked into sort of muscle memory and things like that. But I think, you know, like a circus where you get to tell them what to do. I mean, I

guess it would be cool to just have a circus performer come to your house and you can just tell them what to do, like clean that, you know, go and do. Yeah, I guess just having a slave would be amusing in some way. I mean, it doesn't have to be amusing as long as it's interesting. No, you're right. Sorry. But I mean, I guess if they can do tricks, like sort of paint your roof, I guess they would be good. You could trust them to do it without having to invest in a harness and things like that. That would be great.

Paint your roof. You know, you get your roof painted. Every 10 years or so. So I mean, you know, one of those tumbling type people, if you could just cover them with paint and have them just roll around on your roof for a while, doing the flips. One of those tumbling type people. Yeah, you know, the ones that are made.

Agribates? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But like one of the ones who tumbles. Yeah, yeah. You know, not like one of the ones who does the polls or whatever. Yeah, or the swinging trapeze or that big curtain. That big curtain feels like it's a new thing, right?

The big curtain. The big long curtain that they kind of just twirl their arms around. They just kind of, they do backflip all the way up. And then they kind of do a few things. Sort of like a rope, but it's like a big silky, flappy, uh, flappy curtain. So I wouldn't really call it a curtain. I don't think it's wide enough to be a curtain. I think it's like a big silky, flappy curtain. So I wouldn't really call it a curtain. I don't think it's wide enough to be a curtain.

I think it's pretty wide. Yeah, well, I guess we're both big, you know, agree. But if you had a curtain, let's say a really long curtain. Okay. Scrim, a scrim, I'm not sure what that is. Scrim, is that a word? Sounds like something Pirates would say.

No, scrim is like in theater, the backdrop. I'm gonna scrim. Maybe you see through Scrim is like in theater, the backdrop. Like a Scrim, maybe you see through it, I don't know, but anyway. Like a see through backdrop. Yeah, that's any, that's any see through. That's any see through it. Like a curtain comes down at the theater and hides the performers. A Scrim is used in the background where maybe you can sort of see silhouettes or something.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to look it up. Maybe like glass? Is a glass semi-transparent? His glass semi-transparent. I don't think you'd ever glass, could I scream or hurt on in the theatre would be a bit dangerous. I have no idea how anyone has ever made something transparent. That seems like that's the most difficult thing.

It's weird that light can just go through stuff. Doesn't it doesn't make sense? That's the greatest of all magic. Like if it turned out that like glass wasn't really there or something, I'd be like, I am, it makes sense. Yeah. I thought so. It's probably like hollow or something. It's the only way light be able to get through. It's a trick. I think like glass could be dark matter. Maybe that's what it's been, that's what it was. That's why you can't see it with the telescopes. You can't see it with telescopes. It's just glass. Yeah. It just keeps it glass everywhere. Big lenses and stuff like that.

That's not going to be horrible. Why? Well, glass up all in space. Oh, because it's so fragile. Yeah. You know, get cut or something. Well, I mean, it could still be in a big blob. One big blob of glass. Yeah, just a big blob of glass. Geez, you would have wanted to be a glazier

at the big bang, wouldn't you? A lot of work then. We've been a really good job. But then, do you think so much work that they, the pay would have been quite low? So much work they would charge what they wanted and sort of could pick and choose the jobs, I suppose. Mm, that's true, yeah.

And there would have been a lot of heat and things like that, so that would have also been helpful. Yeah, very, very available heat. Yes, very available. Yeah. I bet glazias these days just sit down and talk about that sort of time. Yeah, yeah.

Sort of like when, it was sort of like brick laying during the preparation for the Sydney Olympics. Yeah, I mean that would be it if I was a glazier for when they were getting ready for the Sydney Olympics, I would have just switched to brick lane just for just for that couple of years. Yeah, because there was so much work laying bricks. I heard they were making two, three, maybe even four bucks a brick What all the bricks for? Building without building

They're out there in Homebush Is this the old history of bricks on the ground? The question, uh, turtles, was it? Turtles? Question hurdles This is what you're talking about the walls, the walls of the entire brick Yeah, several That's the hardest

Alright, this is a bit niche, but I'd like to see a glacier on his first day as a bricky I get this around a glacier as on his first days a bricky yeah he swapped to swap because of the Olympics because they're getting $4 a brick. Right, he drives up there, he's got two bricks on the back of his truck there, or very neatly sort of angled up, leaning up there, and there are bits of a foam or whatever, to stop them shattering, and he gets out those big suction caps things, and he and his mate pick up one brick,

and then they carry it across to the building site, and they delicately ease it into position. Yes. And then they go get the other brick and they put that in and then they drive back to the depot. So the truck just says like, you know, Michael, Michael Ward's glacier formally brick, and oh no, so Michael Ward's brick laying formally glazier. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. They walk across the street, some car comes. They don't know which way they go. And the car goes through the bridge. The brick shatters everywhere. They try to pick another one up like that. And then there's like, you know, a karate guy comes through punches through the break this time. Yeah, of course he would though Well, it's not really a gleece you. I think that's not really a glass thing. It's more of a brick thing. Then there's a brick layer who has always been,

you know, his own man. Doesn't follow the crowd. And you know, all these brick layers flocking to the brick layer trade. Bugger that, I'm gonna become a Galaysia. Yes. That's right. So mid-career

Changes horses and I guess he just cuts little bits of glass and puts it into place with mortar But also he's on one of those building sites where he's working with his mate He's made up on the first story. He's down there with the sheets of glass He just tosses them up to his friend up there who catches the three-minute playing gloves. We're in gloves. Obviously. You ever seen the film The Omen? I think so.

Great death of David Warners character where he's beheaded by a piece of glass that comes flying off the back of a truck. Wow. Well, it's on the air. If you want to see somebody beheaded by a sheet of glass, I'm actually able to graft his leg onto his neck, is that? Yeah, they were able to do that. Do you think that Glazier former,

and also Bricklayer former Glazier could count as the search subway? I think it came from, it definitely inspired by. And as a sketch, I think it's niche. I think it stands up. I think it stands up. I think that could have been, that could have slid straight on to, what was that one? What was that one? You worked on for a bit.

The one full frontal. No, no, no, no. that one? You worked on for a bit. The one full frontal. Well, I know you've worked on it. Orca in space. Orca in space. No, the more recent one. Open slather. Open slather.

That Christmas right into open slather. I'm not even going to say those words on podcast. No problem. It could have slid right in there. Oh, no. Oh, no, we got you. No, but it's okay. He's the only person who listens.

He can say what he wants. Yeah. Actually, it was a rubbish show. Oh no we got you. No but it's okay he's the only person who listens. He can say we're just. Yeah actually it'll feel really satisfying getting to hear yourself say that. That's right. How do you like that Michael? I, are we ready to go through the sketches? Take us through the sketches. All right. Look okay this first one. We don't need a preface. It's not a fully fleshed out sketch yet, but it's just... It's okay, it's quicker, quicker crosswords to lower the bar. You know, it's like, I guess, look, it could start just like as a business meeting at the newspaper.

We need a lot of our sort of dumber listeners are not going to the puzzle page, and we're not doing any of this. Yeah, listening those to help. News, play, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, news, some of our number quicker crosswords and we need quicker crosswords that they can do and so then we've kind of come up with that sticker one that you can just stick over the thing, you can have it done. Or maybe there's it's sort of a join the dots like they have little very faint lines of the words in the crossword and you just trace over the top of them. Yeah. That's right, yeah. It's like a find a word. But the words are just there. The words are already in there. And without the other word, letters that make it confusing. Yeah.

There they are. Is that one? Is that one? Sure. That one goes across that one goes down there. And obviously there's also the one that's already just completed in. You can write your name at the top. Like you do with most fruits. Yeah, then you listen to.

Then we've got the guy who picks up by pre-doing crosswords at home. But then he does them quickly in front of a woman as a way of picking up. And then the woman really falls for it. But then they wind up in a scenario in which they have to defuse a bomb. They have to defuse a bomb by doing the crossword and she's like, quick, go ahead and do it. And I think in the sketch, you could cut between those two scenarios quite harshly

and just in the bomb-diffusing scenario, they just come into a room, they're sweaty, they close the tatted and there's gunshots outside and they're like just, oh my god, that went crazy really, really quick. We just got to diffuse this bomb and then you're in. And then the bomb diffuser guy who's also there, he's like, I'm sorry, it's completely wireless. There's not a single wired, you know that technology that they use for wireless technology, they use that on every wire.

So there's nothing we can do. You're going to have to do the crossword like that so there's, you know, just to make it clear that there's no way out. And it does get down to one word somehow. He completes it and gets down to one word and it could be one of two words. Is it snap or is it snip? He's got ACN, something P. And it's like a parallel of the cut the red wire or cut the blue wire. Is it snap or snip?

Do I snip the blue wire or snap the wire? Yeah, or is it snop? It turns out that it was snop. Yeah, well there's not a word, but I'm going to go snop. Are you sure about that? The bomb will go off if you're on? No, I think I'm pretty sure if only we had a dictionary with us. No, I'm pretty sure it's not Is that a word though? I think I'm gonna go with snop Who did the crossbow really easily?

I'm gonna go with snop But just before I wrote it right in the O I do want to confess to you that I didn't do that crossbow. It's very quickly. Oh my God, he passed it. He writes it snop. It turns out to be correct. The clue was it's snop minus the E. I think it's snop.

Wait, that's not a word. It's snop minus the snop isn't even a word. It's not, might as well, snop isn't even a word. But that's, it's snoop plus an e minus an o minus the e. Yeah. All right, so we got that. Then we got the underwater fighting club. This is different to the next one. This is just a club where they fight underwater.

So it's just, you know, it's like Fight Club. But it's a bunch of guys who've, so it's an underwater Fight Club, right? So it's a bunch of guys who've read Chuck Palin, Nuck's book. Fight Club. Palin, Tromb's book. And he's, and they're like, oh, we got to feel like men like that. But then they also, another guy watches a whale documentary and he goes, actually, it's, I don't know, that's great being underwater.

Let's call this Beyond Palandone. Look, I don't know what that one is, I can't remember what that one was. Okay, then we got Dizzy Fighting Championships. Oh, wait, under what a Fighting Club is, that was all the animals, I'm sorry. Yeah, or a fish. It's the fish fighting each other. Yeah, Crab V. Crab V.

Miko Shach. Miko Shach. Yeah. Cril V. Blue Wild. I think I got confused, as you guys can tell. Then we got Dizzy Fighting Club Championships. Dizzy Fighting Championships, that's just a regular Fight Club, but the Octagon is spinning.

Yeah. I guess when the get bell gets rung for the end of a round or something, maybe they have to turn around on the spot until it's time to fight again. Yeah, and no spinning anti-clockwise to try and get your sense of balance But no way that's not allowed absolutely. I guess spinning as well as the octagon is Yeah, why not crazy? Yeah, I Would genuinely like to see that I think it would be way more vomiting than in regular fight Actually what kind of be exciting people would sit up the front wearing those like I've like those And it actually would kind of be exciting. People would sit up the front wearing those,

like those sort of plastic ponchos and things like that. They'd hope, you know, hope to get some of this vomit on them. Like that. Like you could make it, you could make it spin really fast. Like I guess as the rounds go on, it starts spinning faster and faster to the point where they're sort of trapped near the wall. And you have to, that's why you got to train so hard

because you got to be able to sit a claw your way back to the, back to the other person. Yeah, not too fast. Well, as you stick to the wall, I'll allow the rotor. Yeah, well that's what I'm saying. That's why you got to be so strong. Yeah, yeah. You got to, you got to, you got to train to fight centrifugal force. Yeah. I mean, there's actually two fights going on. Really? Yeah, you're right. And two fights going on really yeah, you're right And also your underwater so you're fighting yeah, yeah, it's right each one you get Providing deeper and deeper into water and there's a whirlpool which

So Maelstrom There's a so wait, but then the centrifugal force would be making you go outwards But then the the whirlpool would be sucking you into the middle. Oh Everything cancels out. That's really easy. It's just like actually really easy Just then you just fight until one you know before one drowns But if you drown I think both would drown. Yeah, what about the ref? He's in the lighthouse. Oh, yeah John Windham is the ref.

He's looking down the Dyson Aquasco. Sure, and when that fails, we could just have a dangling ref. Wouldn't that be cool, sort of like a... Wait a minute, when that fails? Not gonna fail. Why would we have a contingency plan for something that's never gonna happen? What? If you go to the lighthouse, you go to the Dyson Aquisco, you got John Wyndham.

Okay. When it succeeds too much, then yeah, maybe. Maybe what I'm thinking about is when we bring this model to indoor soccer. Sure, that's probably what you were thinking about. For every fin-the linesman, because they won't also be in the lighthouse. They can be dangling. They can be dangling me. Someone can dangle. Yeah. Anyway, that's sour singing. Then we got the sneaky robot vacuum. This is the Chinese spies trying to ruin Australia's productivity through selective area cleaning with the robot vacuum.

Yeah, because you know how you can't get any work done if the room's messy, you know. Yeah. It's just that. It's just weaponizing that. Yeah, that's never been a problem for me, but I imagine that in the world of the sketch we could believe that. We could make that believe it. And going further, whoever's making those Chinese room cleaning robots would start to design them to look really attractive.

Right, right. That's a honey trap kind of thing, man. Next thing you know, you're in bed with the robot vacuum cleaner. Telling it all your secrets. All your secrets, and it's recording it. And no. Yeah. Chris and it's recording it. And now, now. Now. So if you are looking for a robot vacuum cleaner, I personally would advise, and I'm only advising myself because I'm the only one listening to this podcast, not to go for the

attractive one. Sure. No matter how attractive it seems. No, yeah. Danger. Yeah, you get one from the German companies or whatever. We should have known it would be a honey trap because it was called meal. Yes.

Yes. That is a lie. It's cool back. I just like to think this is cool. I like you. No, fuck you. I like you. You were doing a call back to your previous call back joke.

So you're not so smart now. All right. It's become a real theme of this podcast that Andy Yelth a lot in at me. That's fine. That's good. It's good variation. That's what I like as well. I like a bit of a swearing. I don't know if it's swearing. I'm normal to swear when I invented podcasts, I didn't there was a cladgin. It would be it would go as far as swearing. It was a Christian format behind that time. It's changed so much over time. But I guess you just invent something you let it go it's natural way. You can't control it.

Like the English language, that's how the queen must feel about English language. Yes, yes, yes. Then we got David Jones' footlocker, which is a place. It's the first store that opens up, which then kind of leads to a sort of retail, which is a whole pirate community starts to build in a pirate town. And it becomes a real, it's a really positive thing for the pirate community. Sure.

And I guess it would work as an economy, as long as everyone was stealing from each other equally You know, yeah, or The ones who are stealing and doing really well are in some way benefiting all the other ones who don't you know Just you know like I think it's okay if some pirates get murdered and died and things like that at the expense of Progress for the pirate community. Interesting. And we got the Bricklayer former Glazier. Obviously.

Oh, Glazier former. The Bricklayer. The classic sketch. And then obviously Glazier former Bricklayer. Which there was a famous sign that started the Laesia, glazier, something, something, something. Oh, we're great, wouldn't it? I think that's kind of one of those things that will be perfect for us. Glass is in the second bit.

Mmm. Lazier, the glazier. Oh, it's us. Get off your, get off your ass and... Mmm. The lazier, the glazier, the more... the more glass sits on its ass. Yeah, I mean it's... Oh, that's really good. Spine, I don't really picture glass having an ass, but... more glass sits on its ass.

Yeah, I mean, it's really good. It's fun. I don't really picture glass having an ass, but I do. Yeah, okay. Even though it's invisible. The lazier, the glasier. Something about a pain or... Just about this idea, sorry.

I know that it will. The pain in the glass might be. It's got a wrong pain in my head. In my head line, main. Hmm. If you ever thought about this, an invisible ass, like as a product. Okay. So it's just because like, like, I know it's not okay really to grab ass all the time.

But no, both your own own or anyone else's right, but it's a thing that occasionally happens in your life and it seems to be pleasant, if it's pleasant for both people, right? But if you made a product, right, but it's also not okay to be seen to be grabbing ass in public. But if you invented a product that you could bring with you at all times, even something you could strap to your leg, to the side of your leg, that you could just grab. And it's the sensation of grabbing an ass, but it doesn't look like you're doing anything. It just looks like you're scrunching your hands. It just looks like you're opening and closing your hands, which is a natural thing to do.

You're only just scrunching your own ass. No, no, no, it doesn't make your own ass invisible. It's just a product. It's invisible. It's just what those stress balls are. But invisible and feels more like an ass. I'm going to write this down. Alun sir is unilaterally writing down

his invisible grab our idea. Product. It's not a sketch, it's a product. Yeah. Right, and that's okay sometimes. You can write that down for writing things. Before we go to the wrap up, which of these sketch ideas do you think ants would like? This is a question we ask occasionally on the podcast. The underwater fire club I'd say. You think so? Yeah. Well, in their weight class obviously they do pretty well because they're This is a question we ask occasionally on the podcast. The underwater fire club I'd say. You think so? Yeah.

Well, in their weight class, obviously, they do pretty well because they're able to lift so much more than their own weight. Straight to weight ratio. Yeah. Yeah. And the, and as an audience, the figures would be unbelievable if that, if you could attract the ant community to, you know, for television, the figures would be unbelievable if that, if you could attract the ant community to, you know, for television, it would be, the figures would be...

But also, if you could see it, I mean, I think there's, there's then the, the risk of, you know, you've got the Mako shark in there battling against the ant. People, a lot of people are going to argue that you, maybe you didn't have, even bother booking an ant. You've just got a Mako shark there, thrashing around. I don't even know how to do it. I don't reckon they even had an ant in there. No, I'm not saying the ant fights. Oh, I thought it was the fighting is for the pleasure of the ants.

Oh, the ants watch. The ants watch. Sure, ants watch. Well, of course. There are those. Because it's underwater fight club. It's only sea creatures and man. And man, I'm starting.

And I'm starting to get exeskeleton. I forgot to rate that tail a little bit. I'm saying harness the numbers of ants in the world and your ratings would be phenomenal. If you can attract the ant viewer. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And I think ants also have thousands of eyes, don't they, on their little stalks?

I think that's in totally incorrect. No, they've only got two eyes. Just two eyes, I think it, ants also have thousands of eyes, don't they, on their little stalks. I think that's in totally incorrect. No, they've only got two eyes. Just two eyes, I think. They don't have multi-faceted eyes, like a melee Christmas. I think you could think of melee creators. Ooh. Bees, got it.

I got it. That was a bit cryptic for my liking. Oh, sorry. I'll do the quick one next time. B-E-E's, I think you'll think you'll be a E's. Yeah, B's. Well, I know when you show a B's point of view, you're usually showing in a sort of a multi hexagonal kind of image.

Were we thinking of a fly here? Oh, fly too. But I'm pretty sure ants have just got the two eyes. I wonder how different the movie, the fly, would have been, if it had been a bee instead of a fly. The title would have really not made sense. No, people would have been.

I guess they would have been like, oh, I guess it's referring to what the bee does, the fly that it flies. Yeah. Well, there would have been the added jeopardy, as they like to say, in the fact that the B has got a stinger, so it can stinger you, whereas the fly, there's no sort of a puff of extraordinary size.

Yeah. There's no risk of being stung or, you know, beaten. But then there wouldn't have been as much like vomiting up on things. You know, I think that's kind of the beauty of the fly. Well, that has a tediousness there. Oh, so I automatically thinking of the original fly, or thinking of the remake of the fly with the vomit. I don't think I've seen the original fly, it's no vomiting.

No. No, it's just head swap and body swap. Probably why they remade it. Yeah. Like, well, I know what's missing from this. Yeah, vomiting. Vomiting. Now, we could do the same film, but have them spinning around at a great speed. Or just make the fly vomit and stuff.

Anyway. Bum. Bum. Bum. Bum. Bum. Bum. Bum.

Bum. Bum. Bum. Bum. Bum. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast. We really do appreciate it and you. And you. And we appreciate Michael for everything that he has done for this podcast and for podcasts.

Thank you very much guys for asking me, allowing me to ask myself on this show. We had been meaning to do it for a long, long time. We have a sort of a career success cutoff where we get very uncomfortable about asking people onto the podcast. No offense to the people we've already asked onto the podcast, but you have had a long and very successful career as a sketch comedy writer and I think it's a little intimidating for us to have you into our tech. Thank you, but the Ampere's new clothes have been exposed, surely, tonight. I'm just one of you. 40 years naked tonight.

That is absolutely true. How long have I known you, fellow school, by the way? Alistair, I've knew you before Andy, of course. Yeah. So I think since about 2013 or 2014. Okay. Yeah. So four, five years. Four, five years.

Yeah, it was about three years into that friendship or awareness ship that we started. I'm thinking about inviting you onto the podcast. Yes. I nearly made it on to episode 36, 52, 90. Yeah, we came very, very close. Oh, and 108 was... 108, the big one we said.

Yeah, yeah. 108, don't be late. Yes. What is on the podcast? It'll be great. Yep. Mate, we said, yeah, but then... But 162, I'll become full circle,

and I always remember that. Number, as I always remember, the anagram of 11 plus two and 12 plus one. The important thing is that we've remembered everything that we've said so far in this episode. Where could people find you if they wanted to find you? Well, you asked David M. Green that and he had a website and everything, but I have no such website. It's cool. I have no such promotion of myself. Do you want to promote anything that you've got a lot of them green that and he had a website and everything but I have no such website. I have no such promotion of myself. Do you want to promote anything that you've ever produced?

No, no. I have written two books, one of which I saw in a secondhand books, or the other day. So you might be able to put that for $30. What? Because it was signed. It was a signed book, not too a particular person, but just when you do a book, sometimes

you do a book signing for book shops and stuff. Anyway, it was a signed one and it was $30 by me and it was $30. I hope you bought it, because that sounds like... No, I didn't need it. I've already got my own copy. Signed? But is it signed? Okay, right.

Oh, that's a good get. Signed it to myself. You could start signing other books. Increase the value. You could sign them before you take them to the second end book show. It's the shop to sell. Yeah. But, no.

I don't. I have now website. I have nothing coming out from my... That is quite funny that you see your signed book in a second hand book shop for $30. I've got heaps of those at home and you bring them all into the shop. I've got two. What do you want for these 20-bit figures? Well, it was never even sold for $30.

I think it was retailed for 1995 originally. Anyway, we haven't heard what the books are called. The book is called, and overseas listeners, you can get it on a Amazon, I think. It's called Zombie McCromby from an overturned comedy. It's a very funny parody of the very popular Harry McCleary books. Yeah, so it's a kind of a kids book with a sort of a zombie twist. Pretty dark and illustrated by a very talented, illustrator called Jesse Taylor.

It looks so good. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, so, but no, otherwise just plugging away. What's your other book out of interest? It was from 2013 or 2012, the talk about your generation book of everything ever. Ah! Yeah.

Which you would really like. Yeah, I should check that out. I wonder if it's still... A parody quiz book, proper quiz questions for various generations, X, Y and Z, but lots of little comedy bits and bobs in there. Ah, I did not know that existed, that's cool. I wonder if it's still,

for sale, somewhere. I'm not, it could be. They don't want to reprint soon, do you think? No, no. No. By the way, my name is nowhere on it. It's a tie-in with the TV show hosted by Sean McCaylor from back then, and obviously to sell it, who am I?

So Sean's face is on the cover. Sure, sure, sure. But you've been trying to do it. I did it all myself, but there's no, there's no, you know, by Michael Ward or anything. So there was no reading or, you know, or promotional trail or signing of it, or anything, because, yeah. But I was just recycled old questions from the show.

Great. And said so in the book. Magnificent. Yeah. Well, pick those both up, please. Get straight under Amazon and find a, if there's a signed copy by Sean. Yeah.

I didn't sign any copies of the first book. Sure. Maybe Sean did, because it's face. No. No, I wouldn't allow him to. All right. Good. Well, you can find us on at two in tank And I'm at Alistair TB. I'm at stupid old Andy and

You can donate to the patreon if you want to do that. That's a Patreon dot com this is patreon business patreon is like a sort of it's a website on the internet where Slow down website now. It's like a mind shop mind shop on mind shop, yes, on the Sky Sea. Sky, yes, yes, yes. Where you can go on, you can support people who create various different projects

and you become a, you know, you get, make a monthly donation and it gives you access to additional rewards and that sort of thing. So people who make a donation can give us the three words that we then use to the city. But also if you donate a little bit more, you can get bonus episodes. We do two bonus episodes a month, which by the way, I'm late on uploading the most recent ones. So I've got to do that today. Patreon, is that anything with Patreon? Is it Spanish? Yeah, I think it's a little play on it, a little twist. I've put an A in there, which

was, you know, they probably got it off the end of Snoop. Well, you should cut this bit out and only reveal what Patreon means to the people who do the drugs. People who put it around, you want to know what we're talking about. Give us 50 bucks a week. Yeah, that would be so nice. And we love you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites.

At Nordstrom, you can shop the best holiday gifts for everyone you love. All in one place! You'll find beauty favorites, cozy presents, fun ideas under 100 and more! Like festive dressing for you in your home. Experience the magic at your favorite store. Or order on Nordstrom.com with free shipping and returns. Need it faster? Pick up your order today in store.

The best gifts are yours at Nordstrom. you can.