Two In The Think Tank - 166 - "ACCORDION TO YOU"

Episode Date: January 15, 2019

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This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Violence violence causing violence violence violence violence violence violence violence Violence causing violence violence violence violence Causing violence violence violence violence Causing violence Alright, alright Hello and welcome to the thing take the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy and I am Alistair George William, Charlie, Patrol and Alistair, people say that young people these days, because they're always looking at

their phones, would be killed if they were in the wild. They get eaten by a lion or something. People say this all the time. It's like I assume the only thing that they talk about on talkback radio. It's the main topic of conversation. The main fodder of that. But surely that wouldn't be a problem. If we also had smartphones for animals,

run, all the predators and the herbivores, this everyone was equally distracted. It would just be across the board, a handicap, right? And we could all again compete as we once did, you know, in the, in the great savanna. Yes. I'm not going to be able to, I'm not going to be able to keep going. Also I think my voice has got deeper to try and compensate. Maybe I can control. No, no, no, this is not going to work for me. Well, first we would have to learn how to sort of exploit the minds of beasts. I mean, maybe if you just used photos of meat mostly, I don't know. Just while you were saying that, something popped

into my mind. Remember, because you said handy cap. Yes. And it'll be very excited to hear where you go with this. Alice did. And I hope all the listeners are too. It's just you know, tweeting fingers ready, people. Do you do remember the comic character Andy Cap? Yes, I do. I had a friend's dad when I was growing up, used to call me Andy Cap, it's like a fiction at nickname. Now, I don. I had a friend's dad when I was growing up, used to call me Andy Cap, it's like a fiction at Nickname. No, I don't remember exactly what I think he was a lazy guy. He was a lazy guy and he was also a domestic abuse.

He definitely beat his wife. There you go. Well, what about, you know, in a series of lighthearted competitions? Yeah, and so, I don't think you could create a character like that these days. No, we don't have the technology. No, at least it's a lost out. It's less okay to name a person Andy Cat. So what about this? It's a new comic character called Des Abled. I literally only just got that Andy Cap is a, is that a handicap reference?

I think so, yeah, it would be. Wow. Andy Cap is like you say it like a... What's your Andy Cap? Yeah, like I think you would say like you're, what's that place in England where we talk so big, Lord is, yeah. Oh.

I think that's just England, isn't it? Yeah, it's all England. That's the Queen's English. That's not the way. I think that goes from, it might start from the, from the bottom of Wales all the way up to the very tip of Scotland. And in all of Ireland, which is not part of the United Kingdom, except for that part that is.

And I think even some of Nova Scotia really. Canada. Yeah. Very influenced, vocally, I think, from... Is it part of the United Kingdom? It's part of, it's part of the United World. Mm, and the vocal extent of the United Kingdom is in the accent.

Yeah, I think... So the day's enabled. Yeah, okay, great. No, I don't know if that's not a sketch idea, but distracting beasts is that an idea? I think distracting beasts is a thing. I think trying to get everything equally addicted to modern technology, just to flatten it out.

Flatten the curve. Smart phones. Especially because, if we want animals to have the same rights as humans, which I think we all agree that we do, then they should also have the same access to technology as humans, you know, a quality of opportunity. Right? So we've got to provide, you know, toilets running water and universal basic income to the beast of the field. And so that's all taken care of, but then also they should have to have implemented upon them the same stresses and end handicaps that play our modern life.

Or desables. Or desables that play our modern lifestyle, e.g. mobile phone addiction. Yes, that's right. That's only fair. Well, so there's a level of playing fees that they don't take all our jobs. Exactly. jobs. Exactly. And because Peter wants animals to have the same rights as us, if we give them all our rights, then because they don't have the same problems that we have, they'll actually be better off and then we'll be subjugated by them. So we've got to make sure that they have the same problems, that we have the same drug problems, the same political correctness gone mad that stops us from saying what we want.

You know, if only I was able to say the sort of the racist homophobic things that I want to say society would have progressed so much more, would be in such a better place. I think they'd probably be full employment, that kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think they'd probably be full employment, that kind of thing. Yeah.

Yeah, I think one of the benefits of a beast is actually there a lack of language, which means that they can't even talk to themselves, right? Yes. Because I think the one of the saddest things about interacting with people is that people that you like, at some point, will say something that reveals a deeper truth about themselves that is unbelievably disgusting to your ears. Right. Right.

You know, they are, I don't know, they just, anything like a... They might even, you might even start a podcast with this person in an environment and in a style that more or less forces you to do exactly that to say things that are gonna disappoint yourself and the other person. That's right. But with an animal, like a lion or something like that, they could never, even if you found a way to communicate with them via a smartphone,

they would never use words I don't think. It would all be directed by either meat, or they would always be choosing fresh meat or rotten meat, I think that's kind of, they would kind of choose yes or no. That would be the binary sort of, and they would lick the one that they want, yep, like that, and then that's kind of how they would get

around, or like, and so they could never say sort of something like, well, I think that we should maybe expel all of these people from our country or they would never say that because they don't even have the thoughts. And I think that's the that's the absolute benefit because they're their whole selves is unable to be vocalized because they can't even say it to themselves. They can't have the thoughts. Yes. I think that's the best way of, I mean, that's in one way that they'll... It's true.

They'll integrate so well into our society because they'll replace all the friends that we lose due to opinions. Right, so we'll be able to be friends with these wild animals because they won't disappoint us in the same way. Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, we may disappoint them. Sure. But they'll love our ability to get them meat or like, you know, good quality raw meat or

rotten meat if that's the thing. So we'll be able to buy back their friendship after we've disappointed them with our racism. Yeah. Yeah. Or, you know, anything about us. The fact that they can't eat us that could also disappoint That would be hugely disappointing who'd you leave who'd you I think this would be a thing that would be big right all these animals that are struggling in the wild Strapper GoPro to them get them live streaming. Yeah, right like Like if I can support a line in Africa

I want to be able to log on and live stream a GoPro from like the top of the head of that lion. So 24 hours a day, I can check in and I can just be that lion. Right? Looking around tearing into a carcass or something like that. That should be, you know, that's the service. You should be able to pay a streaming site, and like log in as your animal avatar or whatever it is, and just see what it's like. And then people would have such an incentive to look after that animal.

Absolutely. Yeah, I think maybe the only downside would be revealing these animals animals locations to poachers Well, would we reveal their locations? I mean you couldn't you like couldn't you look into the distance and see the mountain side? Yeah, I'm out you know, especially if you're trying to light or something I'm gonna light this is how they've you know the BBC in Africa has been Locating atrocities based on like little clips of videos that they've taken. And then they look at the mountains in the distance and they try to find mountain lions

that match up, not mountain lions. No, although if the mountain lions like matched up as well, that's a clue. Especially if it's like a static mountain lion. Not a static like, I like electrostatic. No, not a static mountain lion, like the mountains are generally static. You know, unless we're talking over geological time frames. Yeah, that's right, which we might be.

Which we might be, we don't know what we're talking about ever. Yeah. But, okay, so either it's that, right? And you can just log on, you can watch as an animal, or we take it to the next level, right? And we have a one to one, everybody is assigned an animal and in danger, everyone in the world is assigned an endangered animal.

And if your animal dies, you get killed. You die. You die, right? There's some sort of a thing like, I think this is a great dystopian future. Not even necessarily dystopian. Yeah. I'm going to call it a utopia, right? Why do only utopias get to be good or dystopias get to be bad? Why can't we have a bad utopia? Well, I mean, it's only bad for some people. Exactly. Particularly the people whose animals die. Yeah.

So, but for the people who have been allocated a lion, and they kill loads of other people's animals, and then those people die, that's a utopia for them. That's a utopia, because they get to be responsible for the deaths of many. Yeah. So, you have some sort of a chip in your heart.

There's a chip in the lion's heart. And if the lion heart stops beating, you just drop dead. So everyone would be trying to protect these lions. Right? Or like protect your animal, find your animals somewhere in the world. So either you do what you can to protect these lions, right? Or like protect your animal, find your animals somewhere in the world. So either you do what you can to protect all lions, or you go and you find your specific lion and you protect it. And I guess it has to be some way for us to know, it's difficult because

lions just die all the time from just quite normal lion-related issues. I guess everybody's lifespan now becomes the lifespan of their animal. But I suppose you get a sign to rabbit, you're like, oh, I got like four years. Oh no. But then I mean, I suppose you could get your lion, you could drug it, you could take it to a hospital,

if you're rich enough, you take it to a hospital get it hooked up to all these machines and it's kept in a sort of a Vigitative state. We're like all that's in our organs. If you could just keep them beating to, you know, like, even if it's not really alive, the important thing is that the chip thinks that they're a lot. Exactly. You know, and so suddenly people are just strapping machines to them that just contain the innards of like rodents and things like that. And it just, it's like a pacemaker that just keeps it pumping. And it's just, it's like a pacemaker that just keeps zapping the heart. It keeps it pumping.

And if it stops, it's like speed, but with animal organs. Yeah, look, I think that- I think just seeing where that goes, I mean, Eric and whoever wrote the Hunger Games, they could probably turn that into a really good book. And then that could become a really, really successful series of films.

Andy, I think you would- And and I could re-release the books with the photographs of the films on the front, because that seems to be a thing that we do. Andy, I think you and I could take the sci-fi writing world by storm, if we were just to take... G.I. storm. By G.O. storm. By just kind of taking this one idea,

like taking small ideas like this and just submitting them to these papers. I don't know, this seems like that's not a huge plan. Submitting them to these, to these publications, all these sci-fi writing publishing, everybody's writing something real serious, and so on. But do we write them or do we just submit the idea?

No, no, we have to actually write them. Oh, you can't take the, so we could take the publishing, the sci-fi world by storm, just by writing really good sci-fi, is that what you're saying? Well, I think it's not just that it's good. It's that it's based on a premise that doesn't justify itself and doesn't like you know shouldn't exist even the premise shouldn't that premise that they you've just come up

with I don't think should exist I don't think anybody should have come up with that but yeah I'm so supportive of it Andy I'm willing do I have a look the fact that it shouldn't exist and I'm gambling my whole career on it by attaching my name to you A man who is probably gonna crumble I'm gambling my whole career my whole sci-fi writing career which I've already established in my premise Could be very successful very easily. Yeah, and I'm and I'm wrecking it by attaching myself to you Who comes up with these ideas that were the basis of my idea, that God himself would have seen

as an abomination. I think in some ways my idea is less farfetched, Alistair, if anything, it's insufficiently farfetched compared to that one where the cities are all on wheels and they're all driving around, mortal engines. You're right. You know? That one's, that's bonkers.

That's just straight up wacky to do. That is a bit wacky to do, isn't it? Yeah, but anyway, if you think this is good, I'm looking forward to sending it to one of those papers you were talking about. Well, we could send it to the one that used to be run by Azak, Azamov. Azak, Azamov. Azak, Azamov.

Azak. Azak. Azak. Definitely an Azak. Yeah. It's a good name. Double Azak, Azamov. Like it feels like a, I reckon a lot of the success of his writing was probably just

all in the name. Like you'd read the name, Azak, Azamov and you'd be like, oh, this is probably very good. Well, the Azzi. The Azzi is like opposite of Azak. Azak, Azzi. Well, the Azi. The Azi is like opposite of Isaac. Isaac, Azi. Isaac, Azi. Because you see it's the Azi.

Azi, you see? Azi. Azi. And so there's sort of like a- There's already a contradiction and an intriguing duality within he's very name. Yeah, exactly. And then MoV, that's a bit.

That's a bit. Yeah, well, I mean, that's a movie format. Maw. Yeah, that's quite so you know, it's like that's very science fiction It's like a you know, I Isaac as he de Vex or as he as he and before You know the AC at the end of his first name which we haven't already accounted for alternating current. I mean activate computing on old calculators. Yeah. Yeah, air conditioning, all these science fiction ideas

that are the dream of tomorrow. So when you have a name like that, you don't almost don't need to write anything really. Like the fact he was just typing, he didn't probably have to look at the screen or the paper or whatever that he was doing you know whatever they wrote on it and back in those days and and then he would just flap away flap flap flap like this he would be drinking tea you know holding the the mug with his lips

Alistair's mimeing typing you know like that and he's you know he'd he'd be probably make love while he was hiding holding the mug with his wrists no with his lips with his lips okay and then he just the mug with his wrists. No, with his lips. With his lips. Okay. And then he just lifted up with his chin. Toss it back, drink it. That hot tea just pouring out all of his lips.

You know how good it is when the tea runs over your lips. Yeah, absolutely. He would have time to get good at that and to build up a tolerance to boiling hot tea. Yeah, because he's mind is elsewhere. His body is typing. Mm. But. Because the success is so...

Is inherent. Is inherent. He can take that for granted. I'll list it, Trump, Lee, virtual. I've got no chance in science fiction unless I attach it to you and your doomed idea. A. G. W. T. B. Oh yeah, I mean I could do a T virtual. A T virtual. A T virtual.

What about this? A Tromblay B. Sorry I just spat and it wants to have to leap out of the way. A Tromblay B. This is good. Nobody does the initials either side. Everyone's doing the initials in the middle. J.K. Whoops, no, not her. Oh, John F Kennedy, no. No, the opposite of the one.

No, yeah, exactly. So everyone's doing the initials in the middle, but you do the initials on the outside, like an initial sandwich. Well, not an initial sandwich, because as we've first published in previous podcasts, I'm sure you name the sandwich after the contents, not after the bread. You're right. You're right. So, so, John F. Kennedy is initial sandwich? Uh, yes, yes, yes, he is. And you're, you are a, uh,

full name sandwich on initials. Oh, yes. Last name sandwich on initials. Last name sandwich on initials. Yeah. And I think that's already very sci-fi. I like it that your reimagining of possible, begins not with the first page, but with the layout of your very own name. Yeah, it's good. I really like that. And I see that on the shelf in the bookshop. You're already intrigued. It's already like an episode of,

what was that show? That show, where weird things would happen and then it would end. Mm. Ah. Ah. Ah. Mmm. A trial, I'd say. A trial, I'd say. A trial, I'd say.

A trial, I'd say. A trial, I'd say. A trial, I'd say. A trial, I'd say. A trial, I'd say. A trial, I'd say. A trial, I'd say. A trial, I'd say.

A trial, I'd say. A trial, I'd say. A trial, I'd say. A trial, I'd say. A trial, I'd say. A trial, I'd say. A trial, I'd say. A trial, I'd say.

A trial, I'd say. A trial, I'd say. A trial, I'd say. A trial, I'd say. A trial, I said something was just life. But you know, I mean, in many ways, that's, you've just described life. Yeah, you're right. You're right. We had things happen and then it ends. So the initial itself is like an episode of the Twilight Zone. Yes, yes. It opens your mind to new worlds, new things that can happen. I mean, I, I don't see why you couldn't have a book and you put the back on the front and the front on the back, right?

Well, like in Japan. Yeah, is that what they do? I think so, and then they read it backwards. But when they look at it on the shelves, the cover should be all the blurb and then a couple of quotes. It doesn't even mention the name of the book, right? I think that's what they do. Yeah.

And so they look at that on the shelf and that's how they identify the book. And then they go turn it over and they see a Tromblay B. They put the cover on the inside. So it's just all loose pages on the outside. And then the cover's on the inside. I love this, Alistair. The cover's in the middle. Yeah, first page just says,

A, Tromblay, B. Yeah. And it's that flimsy paper back, you know, paper. Really standard paper, you know, you know, paper. Book paper. Yeah, or it could be that even flimsy your Bible paper. Yeah. Super thin.

They're very, they're really cheap out on that paper, don't they? Yeah, absolutely. It's like they don't care, or they care so much they wanted accessible to anyone at such a low price. Yeah, I wonder which one of these, I guess we'll never know. Do you think people ever kind of go, oh, it's just a cheap Bible made in China? Yeah. Do you think they ever say that?

Like low quality Bible. Yeah. I get, yeah, so this is the thing. Would that bother you if your Bible was a low quality one, Maiden Shana? Well, I guess if I was a Bible guy, my concern would be, is the, has the text itself been, is it a low quality Psalms?

You know, are they low quality parables? No, knock off ones. You know, like. I say they, knock off ones. You know, like, like, I'm pretty sure the, like when Harry Potter was coming out when there was all that hype for like the last few novels, there were like coming out of Russia and possibly China, like fake versions of the last book, Like before it was even released, you could buy, someone had churned out somehow, probably just like copying slabs of text from fan fiction and that sort of thing.

Books that claimed to be the last book. Right? So I don't see why we can't just do a knock off Bible and a knock off even newer testament knock off, even newer freshman, fresh testament, I call it the fresh testament. Yeah, I think we have made that joke somewhere. The fresh testament. Yeah.

We might have done it in an episode of this podcast. No, I don't know if it was that. I might have been in an episode in this podcast actually. I mean, a lot of our ideas are in episodes of this podcast. Yeah, well, we come up with a lot of ideas. Okay. Yeah, and, well, you know, we come up with one idea. Okay. Yeah, and I think, I think, you know, because I assume they were getting people who were just sort of googling, you know, Harry Potter, right, and then they'd see this and without

real, without sort of processing the information that they hadn't actually released the book yet, click on it, pay for it, buy it. A lot of people probably aren't our interjeasers, they want a Bible, but they're not sure how many books they are, they can't remember how many times he came back, that kind of thing. So if they're on the internet looking for a Bible, just clicking around, they click Old Testament, they click on New Testament there, they're in the cart, and then they see this other one pop up Fresh Testament you'd be like Well, I'm I'm I'm getting the other Bibles. I mean, I don't haven't heard of this one

But I assume it's important that I stay up to date. Maybe Jesus came back while I was you know not paying attention Of course, we're so busy these days. I'm so busy these days and he has anyone released a new testament even as a joke? Like a newer testament. Yeah. I think they've done it. I think that's what Mormonism is based on, you know. No, but like more recently than that. Like in the last like 10 years. I mean, I think it could sell. Yeah. If we haven't already written this idea on down on the podcast, fresh testament. Fresh testament. I mean, you and me, I think like, I don't even think you need to know the characters. Alistair, I think you and I, we could take

the testament publishing world by storm. We just send off some of these ideas to one of those papers that they put them in. Get that real thin garbage paper on the printed, printed in, shins. This one's gonna be so thin. Oh my God. It's and then print it in, print it in, show it. This one's gonna be so thin. Oh my God. It's gonna be transparent.

Yeah, it's gonna, oh man. That'll be good. I'm talking, this isn't even a paper. This is more of a film. Film. Film, film. Film. Um, yeah, I'm excited.

But like, look, we could do it. Set ourselves in a room, right? And we, we don't even have to type it. It's all audio, it's all dictated. Because, you know, if you just talk for a bit and then he went into the house and then he saw the bread and he said of the bread. Oh, that's great by the way,

the way you said he said of the bread. Like, is that kind of weird sentence structure? Triggers the part of my brain that goes word of God. Yeah, you know? And then he says God has weird sentence structure. Yeah, he doesn't follow the normal way of talking. Yeah, he's not very good at English. He made us in his image, but he didn't make us in his

sort of... Audio, audio, yeah. Matter of speech. Soundage. Soundage, yeah. Earage. This is kind of like, you know, you can get sounds like the Beatles tapes and that sort of thing.

This seems like the Bible. It's a seems like. But it just seems like book. But you could also sell it on Amazon as the Bible. It's a seems like book. But you could also sell it on Amazon as the Bible. Yeah. Sure. Like the latest testament. Just more Bible. Yeah. Call it the more Bible. More Bible? Even more, like 25% more Bible. The problem with this would be, I wonder if we would start to think that we were really. No, we wouldn't, because we're going into it, and there's a record here that we're doing

it as a joke. I'm pretty sure the same thing happened to El Ron Hubbard. I'm pretty sure there was a record of him saying I would start a thing as a joke and start a religion as a way to make money. I think what happens there is then a lot of people are into you and into your stuff. And I think then it takes a lot of strength of character. Once a lot of people believe in you and think that you're cool and what you're doing is good for you to remain even having fake humbleness.

So you're saying? I don't think that this is gonna achieve any level of success. I think this will be a way to make 99 US cents on Amazon about six times. Right, well it sounds worth it. And I like it. But the idea of doing it is... You're not relying on us having strength of character.

No, no, I don't think there's much hope of that. Because the two options we have for not selling out are A having strength of character or B having lack of success. And we are really really counting on the lack of success to carry us through because the strength of character is painly not there. No, no, no, we can't possibly. We would never. We can't possibly we can't possibly we can't possibly expect that to be the yeah What what keeps us honest and so We could bang this out over a weekend Probably not while we're trying to work on the comedy festival. Yeah, that's not a good idea Yeah, but maybe the weekend after I know I'm getting married that weekend, but

Maybe the weekend after that. Yeah, I forgot that that was straight after the comedy Oh seven days seven days. Yeah That's that's exciting though. We're gonna have to organize some kind of a thing to to celebrate you You know before that happens. Well, let's not think about that right now I'm sorry, but come and see magma at the Melbourne comedy Festival 2019 if you're listening to this this year Proceeds will be supporting Alistair's wedding. Yeah, or you know, at least Taking some of the edge off of the the credit card or at least pay for just the run the festival run because we got Anyway, look we talked way too much about our money problems of this podcast now

Well, I talk about your money problems too much about our money problems of this podcast now. Well, I talk about your money problems. And I just then, I thought this is my chance to try and bring it up. Bring it all back now to Alistair. Thank you so much. You're welcome. The fresh testament, that's not really a sketch idea though, is it? No, I think it is.

Yeah. I think it is. Yeah. The guys churning out books, Bibles, to as a way of making money. Also, there's an angle in it, which is like when Douglas Adams died, they got this guy who wrote the Artemis Fowl series to just write another hitchhike as God to the galaxy book. Like, I'm not sure who controls the estate of Jesus, possibly the church, but I think they could probably cash in and just pay a popular author to write another Bible.

It's true. And they'd be crazy not to. It's like sequels of movies. It doesn't matter how much you think you don't want to do a sequel or people don't really want a sequel, time passes, and the financial incentive to do a sequel becomes undeniable, especially with the modern structures of Hollywood. And I think the publishing world is exactly the same.

That's right, yeah. And this will kind of be very much a Harper Lee kind of scenario. Wait till she's a bit senile. We'll pretend that this was out of her own desire that, you know, like, yeah, and the same thing, you know, the Catholic Church, it's got its own problems right now. It can't, it's not focused on launching a new Bible. And that's when we slip in there.

Or as a sketch, though, I think the Catholic church cobbling together some sort of unreleased some Dead Sea scrolls kind of stuff and releasing a new Bible and they've they've got in like some author like who's one of those like a Dan Brown or maybe not Dan Robert Ludlow I don't know, some of you writes kind of trashy, like, you know, but has it- J.K. Rowling. J.K. Rowling. I mean, you know, like- She could do the four words. The Harry Potter thing was kind of based a little bit on the Bible.

Oh, yeah, I mean, James- James is a bit of a Christy type character, so she's got that experience. I think she'd be good to sort of oversee it, maybe fill in some of the gaps there. Absolutely. Peace it together. Or, you know, even if you were just harnessing some of the Jesus fan fiction that was on, a lot of those, you know, tumblers and bloggers and blog spot.

I'm sorry to our deeply, our deep believing listeners. But I think like a lot of the stuff that wound up in the Bible is Probably almost exactly that. It's like a fan fiction kind of a thing. Right? Well, you know, you can't you can't be with them at all times. It's not you know, it's not they didn't have The the resources that reality TV have these days, you know, which I mean in many ways the Bible is a version of reality TV For those for those ages where they follow a great guy You know, they follow one great guy and just see all the good stuff All the stuff this is the scenarios that he finds him in and then they come through the the arguments that he has with his friends Mm-hmm. There's a lot a bit of drama, but overall the producers are deciding

How it makes the edit. Yeah. And so, you know, he, if they had had a camera, like I mean, that's very much the fresh testament itself could just be a reality show when Jesus comes back. Because he would get his own reality show, I think. Yeah, I think we talked about in the past, Jesus, coming back and sort of becoming a social media influencer. Yeah.

And this absolute, this idea really ties into that. He would 100% have a reality TV show, sort of following him. But first thing would be, if you had a reality TV show, first thing would be, depending on how they want to portray him, because they could portray him just as a great guy as he's kind of seen through the eyes of the Bible and whatever, or they could, you know,

sex him up a little bit. Because there are people who would immediately want to have relations with Jesus Christ. Yeah, I mean, that's a real frisson, isn't it? I mean, even me, who seems to not even have that much interest in sexual foresunt at the moment, right? I would be like, if he's offering, or if there is even a minute chance,

I would probably try. Yeah, sure. Well, just to say that it happened. Just to say, just to, I mean, it would probably be a bit different to how that's just to the normal fare. I imagine so. Hey God, I had no, okay, so yeah, I know I knew someone who worked on a reality show

in Australia based around a vet, right? A celebrity vet. And one of the things involved in producing that show would be too, because shows are organized in advance. It doesn't really work with emergency vet procedures, like animals who suddenly need help. If the vet's traveling to a different part of the country, they book that in weeks in advance.

So, and he can't show up and then like rely on having sick animals with the right kind of sicknesses that he can treat reliably and successfully. So a lot of it would be calling ahead to vets around the country asking if they had any sick animals on the books who would be the appropriate level of sick looking forward in like six or eight weeks when we come by for our vet to do a minor procedure on them or something like that. And it would be the same with Jesus. You know, you'd have the producer behind the scene saying, hi, I'm just calling up wondering if you have any lepers. No one who's too damaged in the face area

because we're going to put this on TV. And some who's gonna survive that long, but who could, yeah, who he could do, who he could do a quick healing on, and then we'll come back, we'll send the cameras back in a week or two to do a little bit of a follow-up to see them sort of, you know, I guess a break, someone who's a break dancer or somebody who's like, physically active, who like when we come back,

it'll be a nice contrast when they're back out there doing tail spins or whatever it is that they do. All their tail. Well, I'm not really sure of the break dancing lingo, but they kind of... Yeah, but if they had a kangaroo tail. Mmm, I mean, Jesus, I'll have a word with him and see if he feels like doing a kangaroo tail. Mmm.

Normally, he brings people back up to where they were. I'm not sure whether he's into adding on animal parts. Yeah. But you're right, that's a good idea. That could be something, maybe for Christmas special or something like that. Yeah, because like, break dancers would love a kangaroo tail. I think they would love a kangaroo tail. Some know us to spin on and use back on and be able to do kicks.

Do you think that there's anything that break dancers haven't spun on? Any part of the body, I think it's all comes down to finding new things to spin on. Yeah. Cause they spin on their backs and their heads and their bottoms, shoulders, knees and wrists, wrists probably. Yeah. Elbow, do you think they've spun around on their elbows? Absolutely.

They've spun on the elbows. In fact, that would probably be one of the first places they'd spin on their neck and the elbow. Knees. Knees, yeah, you spin on a knee. Yeah elbow. Knees? Knees, yeah, you'd spin on a knee. What about just, just nose, yeah, nose and face? Face spins. Yeah, like a, just your face, motion against the ground.

I don't know if anyone's done a face spin. Oh, look, I mean, maybe not intentional. Yeah. Um, anyway, so I think that Jesus reality series, there is something in that. I think the great, I just, behind the scenes of it, you know, like a frontline style, where we're seeing how they put it together.

You could pitch that right now. Ah. And there would be some network that would take it. Alistair, I don't think there's an idea that we've come up with so far today that couldn't be very easily pitched to whoever does, the papers or whoever does that kind of thing. And then they wouldn't instantly pick it up and it would be very successful. It is a, here is a,

just, here's just a side product that they can release with this reality series. Jesus Sutra. Sexual positions. can release with this reality series, Jesus Sutra. Sexual positions for a celibate prophet. Oh, maybe. Every position Jesus is on the other side of the door, and then the one remaining member of the sexual encounter a way and then the one remaining member of the sexual encounter is just sort of, I don't know, leaning against a vase.

I guess it could just be people doing it missionary style with wedding rings on and Jesus looking through the door or the window. Jesus is peeping, is he? Well, because he's, God's always watching. Yeah. You know when he's making, he'll be disappointed. He's looking and he's giving a thumbs up. Yeah.

And then sometimes he's giving a thumbs down when it seems like they're not married and they're doing it like some very sexual way, like, sure. Very kind of way the God's. Yeah, a very sexual way. God's not okay. It's a very position. It's not very sexual, is it? Well, it's the least sexual position.

I wonder if it's the most sexual. Really? Yeah, and then all the other ones are, I'm not saying, better or worse, but they're bringing in some other element. Like, if you think of what is the most food, the answer is spaghetti bolonets. That is spaghetti bolonets is the most food food. And then anything else that you're doing to it feels like it's bringing things from other fields, from art, from engineering and adding them into food, making it less food, but making it potentially

more interesting. But if you just like put an apple in it, like an apple seems to be like pretty food. Apple is quite food, yeah. Yeah, so what you're putting an apple in a... In a spaghetti ball, nice. Is that bringing art or engineering? Yeah, I think it is bringing art, because you're taking the idea like that famous painting

of the apple in front of the guy's face. That's true. And you're putting an apple in front of something that wouldn't normally have an apple in front of it. And it's such a weird way of cooking as well to just have a spaghetti bowl in it and just put an apple in front of it and consider it part of the meal.

We're in front of it, I'll chop it up. You kinda just look like you had a packed lunch and you had two separate things. But that's the exciting part of the meal that they're not actually on the same place. It's pretty much what they do used to do with those pigs, right? Like you'd cook a pig and then you'd put an apple in its mouth. Yeah. What is the app? Where's the role of the apple there? I don't know. I guess I don't know if they cook it with the apple in there. Is it does it look like the pig is eating

the apple and you're eating the pig? Does it feel like? All eating. Yeah. He's eating. He's having him for dinner meal. He's eating my meal. We're having him for dinner, but he's also having dinner. It's a chain kind of a, you know. I guess I don't know why I have the head there at all. That's my problem with it. Yeah. I can cut the head off.

I feel better, doesn't it? Beheading. Beheading. Get it. More taste. Just a little Beheading. Beheading. More taste. Beheading in it. Sometimes maybe in the Jesus Sutra, Jesus could just be giving a so-so hand signal. I mean, initially I was just picturing, it's just one of those weird comma sutra books that, you know, you'll find in someone's parents bedroom or something like that. Right, and it's kind of shiny.

It looks like something you get from like a very kind of commercial bookstore. It's very glossy and everything like that. But then there's these. Very glossy. Very glossy. The light catches it. Yeah.

And it's almost blind. You almost have to read it in a dark. Yeah. Or at least it likes it a sunset. Yeah. And then it's just two kind of quite straight looking people. in a dark or at least it likes it a sunset. And then it's just two kind of quite straight looking people, but they have something a bit spiritual about them. And they're in very kind of serene poses.

There's nothing, there's no angry faces. You know, they don't like it. Like another kind of like that you would find in the comma sutra, there's angry faces. Well, you know, like in any kind of other sex photography, everybody for some reason feels like they have to scrunch their face into an angry grumpy face. You know, and then, but this, and so it just be kind of

that serene thing, but one person is Jesus or dressed as Jesus, like that. One of the person people having the sex, I think I prefer the one where Jesus is just watching the passing judgment, giving the thumbs up to the people doing it very in a very straightforward way. And the things that change, you know, because there's really only one approved configuration. Not only called them configuration. I think so. And we can in the GC. Layout. Sexual layout.

Sexual configuration. sexual flaw plan is blueprint. Yeah, blueprint. You can change things around it, like you can rearrange things in the room and that sort of thing. Or you can be doing it on slightly different bedspreads. Yeah. You think sometimes it gives the so, so signal signal like he's like look they're married But this is a bit too creative for my liking one of the legs is up in a weird way. Yeah, I don't know

I don't know if this person should be on top of this person When you should go the other way around because like not have a sense sure Yeah, I guess God could have speech bubbles as well. Yeah, it's a God or is it Jesus? Oh, that's the same thing. I'm in my mind. I mean, I don't want to get into a whole Trinity thing. I do want to get in a horse A whole Trinity thing. Yeah, a whole Trinity thing. Right Yeah, so I think you is that a separate idea that Jesus is true? Yeah, well to spin off But I don't know if it's like a sketch idea. I mean like I would just genuinely like to how many friends do you think we have that we could get them to I would just genuinely like to, how many friends do you think we have that we could get them to

position themselves like they're having sex with a friend addresses as Jesus and gives thumbs up while they look? I mean, it's such a simple project. I mean, the thing is with the camera sutra, I think a lot of the time you do it with a line drawing. Like, you don't actually need photos of your friends. We don't need to ask our friends to let us take photographs of their bums in order to achieve this idea. Full frontal nudity. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Hardcore. Yeah. Jesus approved. Sometimes I just want to see like a you know either a penis in a vagina or a vagina or a penis in a bum or a bum in a bum like that. I want all that stuff, just real close up. And then in the sort of blurry background,

you can sort of make out Jesus's body language, whether he's pleased or disciplined. This is, but this is still our friends we're asking to do this. Absolutely. I mean, only a friend would do it for no money. No money is changing hands. No, not until, you know, we see whether or not

this is a huge success. We'll offer them something off the back end. Off the back end. And look, I'll write in Jesus Sutra is a full idea. Well, I think I also think that religious approved pornography is an interesting angle. Yeah, and getting the stamp of approval within the photo so that you don't have to... So it's all there, you don't have to cross-reference anything. Yeah, because I mean, it's like, you know, like with things being kosher, for example.

It's got to come with a certificate and things like that. I think if there was a, if the rabbi was involved in like, you know, a piece of meat, if his stamp of approval or something that was on each stake or, you know, whether, whether, when you, I don't know, yeah, whether he just have a photo of the priest sort of printed onto it and how he feels about it. Yeah, he's seared into the meat. I think this is good for a modern society, right? Because we don't have time to listen to attention spans. We don't have time to listen to a full parable and then try and interpret it and then apply that information to a different context.

We don't even have time to watch you know, watch a 30-second video that might give us the gist. Yeah. We're talking Instagram. I want all the information to be in a single image. At Nordstrom, you can shop the best holiday gifts for everyone you love, all in one place. You'll find beauty favorites, cozy presents, fun ideas

under 100 and more. Like festive dressing for you in your home, experience the magic at your favorite store. Or order on Nordstrom.com with free shipping and returns. Need it faster? Pick up your order today in store. The best gifts are yours at Nordstrom. Single still image that I can scroll past. And that's how I want to absorb my religious messaging. You know, as a series of single frame things that are there, tells me everything I need to know. Yeah, Instagram would be. This, good, this and that, bad. It's all there, it's one photo.

Exactly, Lincoln bio. Mm, yeah. For more. Yeah, for more info. Wanna buy this on a t-shirt? Click here. I think we should be, yeah, most religious teachings should be able to be sold on Red Bubble,

which we do have things available. Yes, yes we do. People now. We've now seen people, photos of me and Andy, on pillows and mugs and t-shirts. And clocks. And clocks. And you people are wild. You people are insane.

And we thank you deeply for your support. We do. I think, I wonder if they have, I don't think there have been many religions that are a double act that are founded by two people. No, that would be good. I mean, it obviously puts us at risk for the... Are you suggesting us? Yeah, I mean, obviously, who else would I suggest? Yeah, right. An opportunity like this. I think I want to get away from the God thing.

Sorry, I know we've been talking about God. No, no, no, no, no. As in, I wanna start a religion. Oh yeah, right. I'm happy to start a religion. Yes, yes. But I don't want people to think that a religion needs like higher powers or gods or anything like that.

Or teachings or sort of, you know, books or robes or any of that kind of stuff. Like we're trying to get rid of all of that, you know, and get down to what a religion fundamentally is. What really, which is a room full of people? But don't you think like a cheat sheet is all you really need? Yeah. You know, like all these book ideas, you've got to release a book and be like, I've got

to read a book where you can't just kind of summarize it, be good, don't be a bastard, you know, which is kind of summarize it, be good, don't be a bastard, you know, which is kind of a really in be good. Well, but I like the cheat sheet angle because when you were studying at school, you'd study for six months, a year or whatever it is, and then you would try and condense everything down into a cheat sheet.

And you'd look at all the problems that you're likely to come across, you'd do a few examples, and you'd write down only what think is necessary. And surely, by this point, we've been doing religion for so long, right? Someone must have written it as a cheat sheet. There must be a two page of single A4 folded sheet version of morality, of the Bible, of whatever it is. Like even if you could do all religions, right, and then condense them down into it, yeah, a folded A4 double-sided. I think that I can take with, I could have that with me. You could, in my pocket, you can have a cue card almost. Yes. Like, think about it. Okay. Follow the law. There you go. That's that's

probably two books of the Bible there done. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think that they they complicated by then saying some of God's laws are higher than and the actual laws of the land. So I think that we're not going to have any of that. All of the laws of the laws will just be the laws, right? The laws of the religion will just be the laws of the land. So we're doing compatibility. Yeah, okay. Our operating system, it works with whatever platform that you're in. Exactly, yeah.

Then betrayal is bad, unless necessary. Yeah, good. You know, because sometimes it is necessary, you know, sometimes to stop yourself from getting hurt or whatever. Or the, you know, sometimes to stop yourself from getting hurt or whatever. Or the, you know, get out of a really bad, really bad relationship or situation or, you know, maybe you're being led by somebody whose values seem to astray. Yeah.

Don't, don't follow anyone too seriously. That's like another one. You know, because that seems to be where a lot of people get stuck. They kind of go, they get stuck on this leader and they just get really interested in it. And I just, I don't see that. And then they start blocking out so much bad stuff that that person's doing. And that ties in well with the don't betray unless you want to. Yeah. Yeah. And then, unless it seems like you should. Yeah. Then making people feel good seems to be-

Like how about this, just friendships and family is mostly about improving each other's lives a little bit. That's good and it doesn't set the bar too high as well. It's just about trying to like have a good time living near each other. Yes, yes. And you do that by occasionally thinking about the other person when they're not around and preparing stuff,

be it physical or mental or organizational to make their lives a little bit easier. That's right, but we won't write all that down. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, be built into the... Yeah, like that. And also then they have to give us 15% of their money. I mean, why not? Why not a sort of a Patreon model for the religion? Yeah. Yeah. I like it.

I mean, we don't like it. The problem is then financial rewards and that sort of thing, but, you know, because you don't wanna, you know, when you get into that whole situation where people are getting into heaven, like we have a special tier, we have straight to heaven tier on our religious veterans. No lines. No lines.

Cut to the front, you know. Well, there's no, there's no heaven. That's great. Heaven is earth, heaven is heaven is, you know. There's no heaven, there's no hell, there's no afterlife, everything is just this, right? Yeah, and also magic only exists in fiction in the mind. Yes. Maybe we should write that down. Yeah. And everything can be explained eventually. Yeah, I mean, this religion has got a lot of overlap with science and I think that's really,

really good. Yeah. Because there's, it's, there's a lot of stuff with that, that religion has got a lot of overlap with science and I think that's really, really good. Yeah. Because there's a lot of stuff, that saves us a lot of trouble coming up with new stuff. You know, with the old religion, they had to come up with reasons for everything. Because they didn't have any reasons for anything. But now we can just use the reasons that we already have, right, and copy those over and just say science applies. Yeah, yeah. It's like when you're building a new computer game and you just use the physics engine from something else. Here we're going to use the physics engine from physics, which I think is a really good

idea. It's a good one and we've proven that it works and it's very realistic. Unbelievable. The physics engineer, the physics engine in real life. Yeah, except for one thing that I've seen. It was a clip from Letterman. There was a, I think it was in stupid human tricks. This girl came on. I just, somebody retweeted this recently. They're like, this is amazing. And it's this girl who can spit gum out, right? And it goes up and in front of her face and she can suck it back down

into her mouth Like the the physics of it didn't seem to make sense But it's all through just like small bit of air flow. It's probably like three inches from her face It goes up and then stops in the way that things going up do But like stops in a very kind of chain of gum like is no no It's just a ball of gum. She spits it out. She spits it out, it goes up, and then she like can suck it back down,

and it curls back in towards her mouth and she catches it again. Wow. And she didn't choke and die by it going like blocking her air hole. Okay, so that's like a glitch in the in the real world's physics engine. Obviously there are some,

there are always little things that you can do to exploit the flaws in the system. And that's one of the clear flaws. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, it was that. So that's the only thing I think that I've seen that is essentially real magic. Yeah.

So yeah, except for that, everything else is real. We'll write that on the Q-Card. Watch this link. I think Look, I think our A4 cheat sheet or QCAR religion Just using a lot of the existing stuff so you don't have to write new stuff is is fine and it's fun Do you think that we should go on to our words from a listener? Do you think we should just come try to come up with the biggest sketch? We've ever come up with first?

Bigger sketch we've ever come up with. Yeah, okay, because there's been a lot of overlap between these ones, and maybe people don't feel like they've got that bam, here's a big fresh thing. Where can we set it? An island, is that two, is that, we've done islands too much, haven't we? I don't know if we have done islands too much.

I mean, obviously our magma show at the comedy festival is gonna be pretty heavily island based, but I'm interested in islands. Tickets are available, by the way. Yeah, yeah, Yeah, tickets are very much available. Just taping comedy festival magma, maybe Andy or Alistair or something like that, it's like Google and then something will come up. Give us my name, your one's hard to spell. Yeah, do Andy. There's too many variations. It's true, but not in my actual name. There's only one variation. According to you. This is only one variation. Coding to eat.

Yeah, I like that guy who, oh no, that's a religion again, sorry. What about this? Can we base a sketch around the idea? Accordion to you. Accordion to you. So it's a guy, he's an accordion player. He's got a slogan t-shirt which says, yeah, accordion to you. he's got a slogan t-shirt which says yeah accordion to you.

Yeah, okay, and then I'd like him to become a fashion house to rival Dolce and Gabana. Yeah, and Vaughan Dutch and Vaughan Dutch, right? It's the accordion to you. He has these ones. He just he just sells them next to his his accordion case when he plays in the mall. He plays he has like three songs, right? He's had these printed by his mum, these t-shirts. And then they start to take off, right? And they get really big. And then he starts to do sort of catwalk stuff, Milan. He gets huge. Accordion to you, the t-shirts are on the catwalk so it's an International success and then somebody asks them in an interview they say what is a Cordy and to you mean to you and he goes well actually I'm glad you asked because accordion to you is actually the name of my male order accordion shop, right, where you can buy it online and everybody gets in a

accordion, you know, when they buy it like that. And so now it's got another meaning, which is, you know, it's like it's this great double meaning, because at first it kind of was like accordion to you. It's like there's a nice message in that, you know, it's like it's the the music of the accordion from from his hands to your ears, you know, or. Oh, yeah, I definitely got that and I liked it. You know, it's the jauntiness. And it's a bit of a pun.

Yeah, it's a bit of a pun. I almost said it's a bit of a pun. I mean, it's a bit of a pun. He could be a bit of a pun as people are in the fashion industry. I find those these fashion people. Yeah, he starts to be very judgmental about women's bodies.

That's right. I actually don't like a women's body's over 85. I'm sorry, I don't think I could date a woman over 85 with that thing of, oh, the outrage. On, you know, on sort of B-bo. There's a lot of outrage on B-bo. Yeah. Which there hasn't been that much of recently. What is B-bo? It was just like a very early kind of my spacey Facebook. Yeah, all right. Anyway.

Yeah, okay, according to you, it becomes a huge thing. But does he continue to only sell exactly the same t-shirts in like three different sizes? On hats. And hats, I don't know. And I'm doing okay, sorry. I know it. Yeah, I'm doing it with it just like, you know, the Calvin Klein stripe, t-shirts in like three different sizes. On hats. And hats. And you don't know. OK, sorry. I know it.

Yeah, I'm aware with it just like, you know, the Calvin Clown stripe, but it says accordion to you. All around the front, the band. Really just like it's like those Calvin Clowns, it really grabs your package and brings it forward. And shapes it into an accordion. Shapes your package into to look like an accordion. But once it's getting a bit more sort of a nebulous

LSD look once it once he starts to have these different things I find it hard to keep hold of what is actually the idea here. Because is the sketch premise? Yeah. The implausibility that this guy's product, which if it's only one product, I find it easier to to imagine. It's being funny that it's become successful. So laugh at me. All right. I'm laughing at the scenario.

Oh, you like my son. Don't laugh at me. Yeah, so look, I think that that is very much the basis of it, right? So it kind of starts out, it's a guy who's a busker, plays the accordion, he wears a shirt that says accordion to you, and then there's so much interest in the shirt that he starts selling his own shirts accordion to you, and then it becomes a big fashion label and it is mostly just accordion to you chrishans. Yeah, and in different Colors maybe like that and then he starts to expand into hats maybe those like rubber wristbands

You know and and things like that and then and then then into selling accordions and cordians. And then it really blows out. And I think just the idea, I think the silliness of success is to me is the humor because you think about Hugh Jackman. He was just a guy. He was just a guy at one point who was like, I think I'd like to be an actor and people were like, yeah, yeah, whatever. Yeah, fucking idiot.

And then at some point, he just got a break in which it was no longer a dream. It was like, oh, obviously you're a huge act man. And then he got put through that Hollywood machine where he had people like, you know, muscularily training him and things like that. And now he is just, like, he's kind of, he has like this demigod likeness to him because he's not like us.

He can go from big to small. He, you know, he slides down big wires and meets Oprah and then, her and her and her and her and her and her and her and her and her and her and he can do that stuff. We can't do that. We can't do that. He's demigod.

We can slide down a rope. We can hurt our eye. But Oprah is never gonna be be the end of the road. That's what it means to be normal. Oprah is never at the end of the road. She's never there. And so that's kind of like where it's the modern success story is it can just be the dumbest thing. You can just be a guy who plays an accordion and for some reason made up a shirt

that is a terrible idea. And that's what people love about it. And then they forget that it's a terrible idea. I kind of like the idea that within this world his fashion decisions and the products that he make never progress. Like he does new things, but they never progress beyond the level of what is the worst and cheapest type of thing that someone would do with this bad idea. Like they never progress beyond the kind of souvenir product that you would buy from a service station. So it's

like, um, visors, pens, it's stubby holders and maybe magnets or something like that. Right. And but that is this huge. But it gets taken seriously like it's a, yeah, for sure. People like models are carrying these stubby holders, which it's almost not, it's a, he's in Milan. Oh for sure. People like models are carrying these stubby holders. Which it's almost not, it's almost not a joke anymore because it is that kind of like ugly, weird, kitsch norm core thing that is sort of like Kanye's kind of thing almost. We're like, like a lot of the stuff that he,

he fashioned cells for huge amounts of money is just like, this is, this just seems demonstrably bad and ugly. No, yeah, but that requires a leap. That's still what you expect from fashion. You expect things to be ugly and kind of like two in your face. Whereas like cheap kind of, they kind of cheap stuff that tourists would buy. That's not the kind of stuff Kanye sells. Like, I see this is how little I know. To me, it seems very, very close, but you're right.

The, you know, a shirt with the name of the town and things like that. Like, is the kind of... I went to a servo, I was driving back from Hallsgap the other day. Stopped in a servo that, in this tiny town from Holesgap the other day, stopped in a servo in this tiny town that looked like it had about three buildings called Navar in AVA-WRE. And then the servo, they had three black shirts on a rack that said, I heart Navar. And I just thought, who is ever bought one of these? Just like a car full of 20 year olds are like, oh look at this fucking thing.

Yeah, I guess. I guess. Could he still sell a cordians at some point? Maybe they're hitting inside the teacher. Alistair, he's gonna make you feel good. He can sell a cordians. What do you get out of him selling a cordians? Well, because of a cordian to you.

A cordian to you already sounds like a slogan for the name of a company. Okay, great. Great, he also sells accordions. Yeah, accordion to you. Do you think you should have a yarn in front of it? Yeah, accordion to you. I don't think a year helps.

I don't think a year gets us anything. And that's just extra printing dollars. I know, but then it also sounds like you're trying to say, yeah, according to you, do you think it would be interesting to sort of near the end of this reveal that the accordion to you guy was had an MBA. No, not MBA. What's that one with business? And MBA from Harvard. He had like, he didn't own the MBA. He had some incredibly high business degree and all of this was planned. Like all of this was just like, yeah, it was just a business decision for him. It was a HD and business and he was actually like, yeah,

well, I just thought this was the most logical thing. I just did the calculator, did the sums, did my due diligence, and this just makes sense as a business. If you look at the market, I mean, this is exactly what it was calling for. Yeah, yeah. Some kind of thing, the people would think is garbage, but then eventually forget that it was garbage and just buy it because it's famous.

It's a brand, it's a... Anyone could have done this if they just thought about it. You know, the good thing about the accordion, the reason why people buy accordion to you accordions as well, is because they're actually high quality... Yeah, accordion to you. ...good and quality accordions at an affordable price. You know, we went back to the early days of making accordions,

you know, and back that, the thing that brings out the richness of the accordion sound. Yes. We used about 16 accordion master players to try each one and we would have them blind tested by the biggest accordion experts. I wonder if Harry's.com would be an accordion to you. It could be the Harry's of accordions. I absolutely believe that that's the case. I think it's really, it's so annoying when you go to a music shop and you ask for an accordion, they have them behind the counter and you know, they've got to go get them from there and then you know, you pay for individual notes or whatever, every time a note goes, you've got

to go buy new notes for your accordion. I hate that. I want someone who would just send them to me in the mail. Yeah, I want that. I want them to pre-send them to me before the break or whatever. Yeah. Does that happen with the accordions? Probably.

Especially if you play them real hard, which is the way I play my accordion. Absolutely. Um, I'll say do we have some words for my list? We've got some words for my list. You think that was the biggest sketch we've ever come up with? That wasn't the biggest, but at least it went to us somewhere different. Yeah. That was the biggest sketch we've ever come up with. That wasn't the biggest, but at least it went to us somewhere different. So three words are from Daniel J. Let's play podcast. Hey, Daniel J. Thanks for supporting the podcast on Patreon.

Yeah, and you know, he supports us by also sending us messages occasionally telling us, he just sent us one telling us how our magma characters have been moved away from their core traits which was to say yes after every second sentence. And he's right. And he's absolutely. And we'll get back to that. Now, magma characters are something we do on the bonus episode of the podcast and that we're going to do at the comedy festival.

Yeah. If you chip in on Patreon, you can get the two bonus episodes a month. Yeah. So here's his three words. Now Andy, people have tried to fuck with us before. Yeah, I know. And, uh... I know.

But Daniel J. Let's play podcast. He's not just... He's not gonna fuck with us on a level that, you know, that other people are gonna fuck with his own, because he's seen a pattern and he's gonna break that pattern. Oh no, okay, I guess what the words are. Okay, yeah. Fuck with us. No, Andy.

Oh. In many ways, you couldn't be further away from the words. And it's not love against you. Is the opposite of fuck love? Fuck with us. Mm. Well, I mean, fuck the intention of fuck love fuck with us. Mm-hmm Well, I mean fuck the intention of fuck, you know like like I hate you Yeah, yeah, yeah sure sure sure sure sure interesting. Yeah, okay the words

Okay, here we go Lit Fasseuil Okay Lit Faseul. Okay. Féha Jouag-gué. And Sejon Fah Sen Dingar. Can you tell me what that is, backwards? No. No, is it anything? Wait, wait, wait, you lose a suff-till. Are these just random letters? Oh, yeah, you are. So these- what is he giving us? Is it just random?

I think at some point I tried to put it in a translator thing. I don't think it came up with anything. It could be Icelandic. It could be Welsh. Do you think Icelandic could be a language, a full language of typos? I mean, like, why else would you go to a small island in the middle of the Atlantic

if it wasn't for being ashamed of your language or the way that you express English. Could they be an entirely dyslexic country? Even the word dyslexic sounds, it sounds and looks a little bit like a nice landing word. Yeah, okay. It's possible. If not, I don't see why we couldn't create an island where we put all.

Is this an island-based idea? I mean, we managed to avoid it in the last thing, and you told me that we haven't been doing as many as you think. As many. I mean, a good reason to kind of expel people from a country where it's not like politically like incorrect kind of thing. Like, instead of like, because I think these days if you expel people further race or their religion or something like that, it looks bad. But if there was a reason that you expel people that is kind of their fault.

Yes, like being dys born dyslexic. Well, you know, there's not being born dyslexic, that's the problem, it's that not fixing yourself. Not overcoming it, not overcoming it is a problem. Not overcoming a thing that could be impossible to overcome, even for people who try very hard. The best you can hope for is to manage it and to succeed in spite of.

Yeah, you're right. I think this is something that we could all get behind is like creating an island of people who can't spell very well. Maybe that's even where the word expel comes from. Yeah. Ex-spell. Yeah. it's short for not excellent, it's spelling. So, I think just to sketch in this where one country has put all the dyslexic people on an island and then you go and visit that island. I mean, it's just, Iceland. The thing is, is that it actually could easily be whales. Like, because it's such a...

Iceland feels like what a Dislexic person might think the word island is spelled like. Okay, great. All right, so all Iceland makes it easier Because I mean we've heard Bjork she can speak English very well Speaking not a problem. Yeah, but I mean you know that in Iceland they clearly speak English but also Dislexic people are very often extremely creative in other areas, right? And this would explain why Iceland has like such a disproportionately higher number

of cool and interesting artists and rock bands. And even their football team is like very highly ranked for the popular, like relative for the population of Iceland. I think this checks out on a very deep level. And it's why their language is so weird because none of them can spell. Yeah, well, it could be possible that that was just a thing that Vikings used to do. Maybe they just, they didn't respect people. They couldn't spell properly. And they said, well, let's put them on an island

with volcanoes on there. If we know that there's one thing that the Vikings like to do, it was put people on a boat and pushed them out to sea. That's right. Towards some kind of magma island. I mean, Iceland was obviously the first magma island. It was. It was a new society for those who can't spell too well.

But I guess you could just present this as a thing where here's a thing that the British were doing or that as a mini documentary, present this sketch as that and then eventually just reveal that it's where you know, this is where you put it. The dice is like in the Ziseland. Yeah, great. I mean, the British, yeah, they also transported people to Australia for doing crimes. Yeah. And maybe to Iceland for not being able to spell. Like, like, it would explain why their language

is so different. I think this checks out. But it explained why so many people there believe in elves. Elves. Yeah. Yeah. I think it was like a high percentage of the population. This is probably a myth, but it was a thing going around one of those kind of like facts that a high percentage of the population believe in elves.

So either... So either that, either... Ah, it doesn't matter. It's just a quirk, it's a quirk of dyslexia. I dated someone else. I dated somebody who really truly believed in fairies. Really? I remember, like I mean look, who knows how serious anything anyone says to you, but she was sitting with me and she was like, look, look over there into that tall grass, you know, imagine. Imagine just like from behind that little twig or whatever, up came a little fairy.

And she said, hello! Hello there! So there's a lost bar voice! Is this believing in fairies or is this just believing in the ability to imagine fairies? Because there's a very different thing. But it's like wanting others to believe. It's wanting others to believe. So I mean, why would you want others to believe if you didn't believe?

Yeah, that's true. That's true. And if you did believe, why wouldn't you want others to believe? Right? Like, hmm. And I wonder if that's an element of believing in anything, is inherent that you want other people to believe in it as well. Because it seems to be that religions are pretty keen on other people

believing in their religion. It's mind colonization. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Apparently, that's when I was dating a Taiwanese girl. She mentioned how she's like, well, I think people, you've dated so many girls. Exactly.

And this is the episode where I reveal it. She was telling me that, people in the West kind of like to convince people of their way of thinking. Like they want people to think like them. Yeah, right. I think it's just that white person instinct to colonize things. I want to want you to, I want the inside of your mind to be like the inside of my mind

so that we don't have any more, we don't have to have any more confrontations or even conversations. Yeah, I just want you to submit to my way of thinking and then we'll, everything will be really easy. Well, this is fun and also accurate. You know, yeah, that's what we're like. That's us. That's us.

Hey, what do we like that? That's what we like. I only think we've done our ideas for today, Alistair. Would you like to take us through them? I will. We have smartphones for beasts. Yeah. You know, the youth of today would do so poorly in the wild

because of their addiction to smart phones. So we could fix that by giving all the animals and insects, I assume. Yeah, oh yeah. Smart phones for them and creating a wave, communicating with them through, I mean, I don't think we're that like, I mean, we'll definitely be able to communicate more with animals, I think, through some kind of technology.

Yeah, 100%. 100% we will be able to make a machine that uses pattern recognition machine learning to understand what animals are Communicating in as much as they are on any level and then we'll be able to replicate that and we'll be able to communicate stuff back to them That is definitely gonna happen. I can't wait. Yeah, it's gonna be just like that baby monitor episode of The Simpsons That's when her comes and they go that, and he goes, I want some pancakes. That is what I was thinking of in my mind when I was talking about that.

Then we got, the important is also that we level at the playing field for animals to integrate within our society. And obviously the idea is that they can be, I mean, I forgot about the big part of this sketch, which was that we're now allowing animals to enter human society, and I suppose live amongst us,

possibly in their own homes, and then compete with us for jobs, and love, and go to parks and stuff like that. Well, fair, they're all on welfare. Not all of them? No, some of them have jobs. You know, and this is the kind of prejudice that they're going to, that we're trying to overcome.

Yeah. But the whole point of giving them a smartphone, so they have the same disadvantages as us. Right, of course. I forgot what a huge disadvantage technology is to progress. Yeah, so then then the other sketch is an animal, every person has an animal assigned to them. And if that animal dies, you die. So you each get a chip in your heart,

and it's your job to protect that animal from poaching or I guess the natural cycle of life. Yeah, and so then the cold, if you have, if you've been a sign an animal that is like a mouse or something like that that is only lives for a very short period of time, you quickly have to spend money to, you know, and I guess they'll be a whole industry to quickly be set up with this, but to keep the organs alive at least or keep zapping them to make it seem to the chip inside the heart of the mouse that it is.

I mean, you probably wouldn't wait for it to die because then you would die. So you'll probably have to take your living mouse and take it to this, these people, it'll probably be like, if you put it in a vat and they dissolve all its skin outside or whatever, like that. It probes into it.

God, this is gonna be so good for animals. That's what this was all about. And then we'll save the animals. I reckon the great one. But they won't get poached anymore. But the great one would be a, a big turtle, or like a medium sized tortoise, right? That you could just strap to your back and just have it with you everywhere, everywhere. You can hand it, um, stuff, you know, let us over your shoulder like that. I would

actually, I think this could be quite fun. And then you've got it on top of your head. Exactly. And then you've got a turtle's shell on your back. This makes so much sense. And break dancing so easy. So easy. New thing to spin on. Yeah. That turtle shell. Yeah. We got the fresh testament. And this is just as we're going to write a new testament. We're going to dictate it so that we don't have to sit down and write and really worry about it um And then just sell it as the Bible, but like the newest testament. Yeah And on Amazon we're gonna have six people buy it 99 cents. Yeah, that's that's

You know that's $5.94 that we can we can count on yeah It's really nice and it probably take what, like, how many pages are there in the Bible? But there's so much open space as well. I mean, it's the writing's really small. I don't think there's that much open space. No, okay. I think it's pretty packed in there, Alistair.

Okay, we'll just do it in the Bible. But we'll do it for a week. Yeah. Okay, and then we'll still see our families. We'll give it a week. And the evenings and in the first thing in the morning. Yep. Thank you for factoring that in the first thing in the morning. Yep. Thank you for factoring that into the plan, by the way.

Andy, we can hardly meet up ever. With our families. With our families, either. I've got to start a podcast with my family so that I can see them. Otherwise, it's stunned to get hard to justify. No, no, no. I mean, it's not bringing any income. Yeah, it's not. Why can't. Yeah, it's not, you know.

Well, why can't I get a Patreon just to support me to spend time with my family? Well, I think that will be the future. If you build it, they will come. Yes. I think you might have to start like an Instagram family or something like that, which you seem unwilling to do, Andy. I got a cute family.. I gotta keep family.

You gotta keep family. Thank you. Your boys have some very expressive faces. They sure do. Beautiful faces. Thank you. And some of the most gorgeous eyes I've ever seen on a... Oh, alastair.

...alastairy beasts. See? And then, but then on top of that great facial expressions. Are we beasts? Am I boys beasts? We're all beasts. We're beasts. Yeah.

Yes. Beasts without burden. That's good. Then we got the Jesus reality series, which is, you know, we just, we have them back and then we're following them around, getting them seated, some good stuff. But then also seeing them, also saying, this conflict, he's coming up against believers and non-believers, some believers that doubt him.

You would really want a Judas character in that shot. Oh yeah. Jesus, a Judas has come back as well. Well, he doesn't have to have come back. We can, you know, it can be like, wasn't there in Paris, so in the one way she was trying to find a new friend or something like that, you know?

We can do that. So he's just trying to find a new Judas. You're a Judas. Yeah, great. I mean, you could just get one of those guys from like one of those, you know, those things where they buy all the stuff inside a locker. Mm.

You know, you get one of those guys. Storage wars. Storage wars. Storage wars. Get a guy like that with a curly mustache. Yeah. Right. Then that's your Judas. They've already got personality.

Yeah. They're already willing to use trickery to get what they want. Just put that person near Jesus. They're willing to judge things based on one look, which is not something Jesus would do. It's exactly the opposite of Jesus' teaching. He says, at least give it two looks. It's on the cheats. The storage was the opposite of Jesus.

Which brings us to, oh, obviously Jesus' sutra, which is the Jesus' comma sutra, but where there's positions and then within the background. Jesus is giving a thumbs up, or a thumbs down, or a like a so-so kind of thing. I think your problem, Alistair, this is your problem. You're trying to create a religious karma sutra, but you're still including the bad positions,

which somebody who's into weird stuff might just look at those bad positions and sort of enjoy looking at them in the wrong way. Like by including them. Well, there'll be a photo of people looking at the Jesus Sutra and then Jesus will say, what whether or not they're looking at it right. Yeah, so if the, if it follows to them,

looking at one of the ones that he's giving a thumbs down to, and if they're smiling, he'll give a big, double thumbs down. Double thumbs down. I think this is the, the Jesus Sutra Sutra, which is sort of a supplementary pamphlet, which gives you the correct ways in which to enjoy the Jesus Sutra. Yeah, that's right. It's important. And the missionary position, which is lying down with you on top of the Jesus Sutra.

You're genitals up against the sutra. Yeah. Q card religion, that's just our religion that we're, you know, we didn't wanna be leaders of religions, but here we are, we just, we're just, I think, I think, it's mostly follow the law, follow the sign. This is a selling point for a modern religion. It's short, it's easy to consume, we could get your head around.

We could probably fit it within a tweet. Yes. Well, that was such a high pitch S. That was amazing. Really? And then obviously now we're coming to the good, really, really good stuff. A cordy into you.

Yeah, this is a real big good sketch idea. Bam. Boom. A cordy into you. We're probably gonna have to make a cordy into your t-shirts, Andy. Look, if we managed to pull this sketch off that doing that, we're doing something right. Yeah. And then we got Iceland was an island nation for that, you know, the British and the

Europeans. All the all the European tribes decided they were just going to put all their dyslexics there. Yeah. And I think we have one person who downloads from Iceland. So, hey, if you're listening to us, Mr. or Mrs. Iceland or Ms. or Mr. is, hello, and thank you for listening. And I hope you don't mind us using your whole nation disrespectfully and making judgments about it based on the spelling of your foreign words which are not obviously the same. Her capita, Iceland has a very good sense of humor about itself. That's another thing about it.

It's the highest sense of humor per capita. Yeah. Great. Great Thank you so much for listening to the podcast. Just, are we going to do George's band names now? Yeah, sure. Fantastic. The only one sending in. People have been sending in a bunch of band names, and I'm only going to go through just

a couple right now, because I'm very grateful and excited about them. Now the first person who's sent us in some new ones, we didn't do it over previous weeks by the way, because we pre-recorded the episodes for Christmas. People have still been sending them in. So this is Mahad Mubasha has sent us a list from his phone, he keeps band names, right? Over the years, I've kept note of my phone, of anything I hear that might be quite a good name

for a band, quite a few of them, he says, were inspired by our podcast. So this is the circle know, this is the circle of life right here. This is a way George can get something from us without, you know, without him, dismissing it. Yeah, dismissing it because it comes from us. I think that's the reason he dismisses a lot of our great names. Like, what are some

other ones else? Breakface. Breakface, you know, great names like that. He doesn't want those. Anyway, he's sent like I'm gonna say 50 bad names, so I'm just gonna read the first couple, and maybe I'll read some more in future episodes. I mean, we could just dedicate this episode to this guy. No, but there's one other one that I want to get on to. I'm not gonna do every single name. Do you want me to do every single name right now? I mean, let's just dip back in every now and then. Okay, crusty likens. Oh, I like it. That's beautiful, isn't it?

Rockstar Olympians. Oh, yeah. Mighty whale flank, that feels like something that Alistair would have really gone on board. I like this one a lot. Milky penguin. Oh, yeah, I like that. So psychedelic lemon, electric fence,

unusual discharge, I fence, unusual discharge. I mean, this is unusual discharge. Yeah, that's great. Especially if it's like in prison. Yes. Okay, you're out, but you gotta go through this tool. And I'll skip ahead to one that I really, really liked. Hallhouse Pianny.

That's really good. Pianny. Pianny. What a great word. And I just wanted to read one other email now, Pianny. That's really good. Pianny. Pianny. What a great word. And I just wanted to read one other email now. We'll get to some more in the future. This is from Jacob, Jacob Ristra.

And Jacob writes in response to Alex Schmitz. Now a few episodes ago, we had a name from Alex Schmitz who said that he'd suggested the name Clayfish for his band. Anyway, this is the email from Jacob. I am in the band that Alex Schmidt's emailed you about. I didn't like the name Clayfish. If you guys want to move on from that, try Clay's shit. That's how ruthlessly I panned Clayfish

when it was cast out there. You understand? I had to reel the band in. So... Great. We'll pass on Clay Shit to George. No. Because I think it's got a nice ring to it anyway. Yeah, Clay Shit.

I mean, it feels like that's what I've been doing since I became a vegan. They are dense and they are sticky. Which you wouldn't expect from veganism. You'd think all that... I did. I did what's... did one's have a girlfriend who said that when she ate a lot of meat her her shit would get stickier. Yeah and I don't

I've gone totally the other direction. I want you to know that that was a different girlfriend to the two others. I mentioned this episode. One day we'll do an episode just dedicated to the girlfriend's that you've had, because each of them has at least one really interesting defining characteristic, I think. That's right. And either the country they come from, or one strange thing they say. Yeah. They will do that as a bonus episode.

Alice, dare say, Skull Friends. Wow. I hope they never find out. Um, hey, we're not judging them. We're just listing them. We're just listing them. Right. People who...

Alistair lists everyone. People who made the mistake to care about you. Yeah. Also, you can follow us on Twitter. I'm at Alistair TV, I'm at Aliso TV. I'm at Stupid All Andy. Thank you to the people who send in those bad names. Thank you so much.

And email them to tointhetect.com at gmail.com if you've got more suggestions. Yeah, we're at Toontank on Twitter. I'm at Stupid All Andy, I say that already. Yes, I did. You can always support us on Patreon. It helps, it's delightful, it's kind, but you are all helping us so much by just listening but the rules also benefits to donating on Patreon.

And if you can't ship in on Patreon, which is totally fine, we totally understand. If you could leave us a review on iTunes, who knows what that does, but it's got to be good for somebody. It makes us feel good. It makes us, look, I know exactly what it does. It makes me feel good. There. I was trying to hide. Don't hide, Andy. I know exactly what it does, it makes me feel good. There, I was trying to hide. Don't hide, Andy. No, but that's all you've said it about a thousand times on the podcast that it makes you feel good.

And I believe that we love you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. I mean, if you want, it's up to you. At Nordstrom, you can shop the best holiday gifts for everyone you love, all in one place. You'll find beauty favorites, cozy presents, fun ideas under 100 and more. Like festive dressing for you in your home.

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