Two In The Think Tank - 172 - "HOT CASE"

Episode Date: February 26, 2019

Hot Case - Case Race, New Sciencetist, Mixological, Dregs of Christ, Finger Flavour, Food Porn Parody, Breeding Finger, Applied SportsHey, why not listen to Al's new meditation/comedy podcast ShusherOur Melbourne Comedy Festival show is for sale here: https://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2019/shows/magmaDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereHumanity's greatest source of thanks to George Matthews for producing Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive. Most of you aren't just listening right now. You're driving, cleaning, and even exercising. But what if you could be saving money by switching to Progressive? Drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average, and auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Multitask right now. Quote today at Progressive.com.

Progressive casualty and trans company and affiliates, National Average 12 Month Savings of $744 by New Customer Surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will vary. This counts not available in all safe and situations. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts

from our great mates. Hello and welcome to Touring the Thing Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. Together you and me thinking of things that we'd like to be see on the stage When we put them on acting together and maybe sing a song And maybe be free of all To get a fake. That's how it always goes. What people don't realize is that you know like a lot, I'm gonna show, they'll have a really long intro song and then later on they won't bother playing the whole song, they'll just play a tiny snippet of it for you because it's like people get it.

Well, we've actually been playing the shortened version for years and that was the long version that we finally revealed. Yeah, and by playing the shortened version, I mean, it seems like it's been different every episode. Yeah, but they've actually each been a different part of the shortened version. I mean, it seems like it's been different every episode. Yeah, but they've actually each been a different part of the same song. And we've only finally, that was, we finished it off, we wrapped it up.

That's a little, and so if, you know, the keen-eared listener and the, could, if they went back, and sort of edited out every intro song and piece them all together, to the end, then you would reveal the whole song. It's been 172 episodes in the making, plus a couple of shorts. And also the ones that aren't counted in that total, even though are full episodes because for some reason when we release them I decided to call them something different. Have a different numbering system for the lost

episodes over the ones that we thought we deleted. So there's maybe four or five of those. Anyway, Alistair, it's... I just... It's a pleasure to be here. It's a pleasure and I'm just so happy that there's so much character development, but also show development during the show where we develop things. Oh yeah. This is...it feels a little episodic. It does feel like, you know, monster of the weak style storytelling, but there is an arc.

Trust me, there is an arc and I am on the way to finding the person who abducted my uncle. Yeah, right. Yeah, that's what I've been doing in the salt. What's your story, Pete? What do you think your arc has been now? Mine has been, I guess over the series, I get slightly, I've gotten slightly more concerned about your financial wellbeing. Yeah, I mean, it felt like that was a sort of a pretty late season thing that they tried to put in there to maybe spice up the show. It didn't feel to me like it was totally there to begin with. No, no, it wasn't there at the beginning because it was crazy.

Which is crazy. Because at the beginning I reckon I had a heaps less money than I did there. Yeah, but you had less burden as well. Less burden. Yes, the burden. You didn't have as many mouths to keep alive. But this is the thing, they don't tell you this, but it's not just the mouth you've got to keep alive.

Right. Yeah, you're okay. Because you look at the mouth and you're like the mouth doesn't actually need all that much. The mouth is just sort of a through, you know. A lot of it's bone. A lot of it's bone, a lot of the mouth is bone. Bone, bone can last millions of years.

In dirt. Bone, I'm not worried about bone. It's that soft tissue around the bone, but there's not that much, is like, is what you're saying. Yeah. But then tongue looks like it could use it in these affairs. It's quite slasher, you think you need to keep the tongue slated. I think you got to get a lot of blood in there.

And in order to get the blood, you got to support the heart and the other parts that make blood. Now, when you die, I think your tongue falls out of your mouth. Falls out. Falls out. Like, as in detaches, like a salamanders tail. You don't realize that your tongue is always tense.

You're in tire life, your tongue has been tense. Okay. And then it's only in death that the tongue can finally relax. I think the tongue probably feels a lot of responsibility. The tongue was never meant for what we make. We use it for by the way. That's true. The tongue was only ever like, you know, there to move stuff around in the mouth. Hot things. Hot things. Keep them up and keep them airborne. Juggle balls of food that was too hot for you

to hold in your hands and too hot to have contact with the lips, but too delicious to blow on before you shove it in your face. Too delicious to wait. Yeah. And you know, to juggling that. And here we are using it to like shape words and communication I imagine the tongue feels so much pressure and like the sweet release of death. I think for the tongue

Must be especially sweet. It would yeah, I think for the tongue awaits the day Mm-hmm. If anything the tongue may subtly be trying to undermine you at every step of the way, hoping for you to end it all so that it may finally relax. This is why the tongue is the only part of the body that can kill you entirely by itself. Yeah, because it can go backwards into your throat. Yeah. Oh, what if I... Can you suck back enough you think to actually just swallow

your own time? I'm definitely not going to try. I'm definitely not going to try. Why would I even want to know about that? Well, if you were going to do it, you would at least film it live on YouTube. Correct. And ask for donations while that. Yeah, I get a Patreon going. I mean, do you think you could sort of raise money for some charity, maybe for some underprivileged group? I'm trying to relax my tongue totally in my mouth right now. It was really affecting your eyes. Do you think for 24 hours you could just be on there trying to suck back your tongue into your throat for 24 is this person is a hero. He's attempting to swallow his own tongue For 24 hours to raise money for I don't know scouts scouts or girl scouts girls

Yeah, see that's good. You could use a boost right now a girl scouts. I think guides and girl scouts I don't think they can be right you wouldn't you wouldn't split Girl Scouts. I think guides and girl Scouts? I don't think they can be, right? You wouldn't split that out. You wouldn't split that out? No, I mean, I'm sure this is a horrible thing that the Scouts people and the Guides people go through every day. We're not Scouts and we're not Guides is what they,

each of the opposite ones would say. Yeah. And the confused ones who are part of those things as well. So some of those confused scouts who said, we're not scouts and they go, no, we are. They go, oh. Yeah, this is one of the things they don't prepare you for. Yeah.

The existential crisis. They prepare you in scouts, they prepare you entirely for external sources of challenge. external sources of challenge. Yep, they don't compare you for the inner challenges. There's no self-respect badge, as far as I'm right, aware. Because I think the thing about the self-respect badge is that you wouldn't need a badge, right? You don't need the external validation of the badge and you also don't need people to see the badge. Yeah, it's a badge on the inside. It's a badge you wear on the inside.

Literally, you have to get keyhole surgery and have it sewed to the side of your stomach lining. Oh yeah, right. Yeah. I mean, it'd be great if you could just swallow it and it could just get stuck like it's a piece of... It has some sort of little things that go shh! Out from the side, and sticks on...

Not... it waits until it's through your... Asophagus, it has some sort of thing that dissolves, or some sort of little crystalline thing. Yeah, it's waits for stomach acid. Yeah, yeah, it dissolves in the stomach acid, stomach acid, and then shh! It releases the blades. Yeah. Release. Release the blades. Yeah, and then into the lining. Hmm.

It would be nice. In a strength. That's one. Well, yeah, then you would actually have to have inner strength to put up with the pain. Yeah, well. Yeah. Well, you know, it's a reminder though, isn't it? I don't know if you'd feel pain in your stomach. Do you feel pain in your stomach?

Do you have pain receptors in your stomach? You definitely do. People clutch their stomachs all the time in pain. Don't they? Oh, but is that the stomach that's in pain? I don't know. Could be something else. It could be something.

Could be their pain receptors that are in pain. How good is it that parts of the body can do referred pain to, you know, other parts of the body? Is that good? Well, it always seems weird to me where they're like, ah, my shoulder is sore. Oh, that means your leg is damaged. Yeah. Well, I think it's, I think it's, you know, that you've got a canny leg, you know?

Canny leg. Not gammy, canny. What's that mean? Oh, it's clever. Oh. It's like sending the pain, making the shoulder hurt. That is a canny, but, or is it canny or is it dumb? Because then you're not gonna try and fix the leg.

Yeah, you're right. But maybe the leg doesn't wanna be fixed. Maybe. Maybe the leg is worried that it's flaws of the only thing that make it interesting. Yeah. And it's trying to seem like it has inner strength, but it has to do something with that pain.

It can't just hold on to it, bottle on. So there's some kind of a toxic relationship where on the outside, the leg seems perfect. Everyone looks at the leg and says, God, the leg's got so much going on. But then when you see the leg at home alone with the shoulder, you realize how the leg treats the shoulder. Well, the leg's been putting sort of bleach

into the, into the shoulder soup. Yeah. Fuck. Fuck. I always assumed he was just trying to bleach the soup. Make a nice clear soup. He is trying to, I thought he thought he was just trying to bleach the soup. Make a nice clear soup. He is trying to bath, I thought he thought he was trying to make sweet potato,

look like potato. Yeah. They have those stories about people saying, I can't buy such and such from China because they put bleach in the rice or they put bleach in this or that. Is that true? Do they bleach?

Do people really bleach foods? I don't know, Andy. Look, I see them, there's maybe some truth. I just wanna know who these people who are running businesses where they're selling bulk quantities of food, right? And they are, you know, it cost a lot of money, I imagine, to like set up a factory to do this kind of thing, right? And to market it, and you know, you've got to get employees, and those employees need, you know, payroll and all that sort of thing. There's a whole infrastructure around

this thing, right? And then like, I don't know how many days into running this company, you are, but you're like, well, we should just chuck some bleach in this. Then suddenly everybody's dying. Right, all your customers are dying. Well, if that was happening, I think then you would have to, you, you'd put in the wrong amount of bleach. But why are you putting in bleach at all? I didn't make it look better.

Yeah, sure, sure, but it isn't, it's a, it's a talk, you're putting toxic stuff in your food. Sure. I know, I know. But I think food fraud is a huge thing. Food fraud. Yeah, food fraud is a huge industry. Like for example, spices. Oh yeah.

You can often put just powders that are flavorless, that kind of look roughly like the same powder that you put in. I definitely, I feel like I definitely got that with a bag of coriander one time. He put a huge bag of coriander from someplace. Got a home, no flavor at all. That's food fraud. You were the victim of food fraud.

I feel like a food fool. Well, you are. Now, is within anything that we've said now, any sketch? Aww. So either the tongue, yeah. Or food fraud.

Well, I mean, victims of food fraud does sound like a fun group. It sounds like a great band. Victims of food fraud. Do we need to, do we need anybody who needs an M for their band? No. Or what was the other thing that

George now needs an M for? Oh, he's starting a company. He's going to become a self-employed businessman and he needs a name for that as well. Anyway, one thing at a time, victims of food fraud, that'll make a great name for a company. That's ticked off. Victims of food fraud, that'll make a great name for a company. That's ticked off. Victims of food fraud. One of the largest food crimes, one of the largest food fraud cases in history. An entire food pyramid scheme, pyramid, healthy eating pyramid scheme.

Yeah, I mean, I think the whole food pyramid scheme Food pyramid food pyramid scheme Could you do it with anything other than money? What do you mean? well, what is it with like? Food like a pyramid scheme. It's like people have to get people under them to sell things or whatever, but what about instead it's like it's like a co-op and people are getting

paid in food and then they get people under them and every time they pay a bit of that person. Do you give some of their food to you? They have to give some food to you and then you have to give some of your food up to the person at the top. Great, but it's fresh food. It's all going off. Yes. Everybody's like taking their cut, taking a little nibble of whatever. But by taking any time, by the time it gets to the person at the top of the pyramid, all the food is rancid. And all the drinks have backwash. Yes. All the food is rancid. And all the drinks have backwash.

Yes. Come. 30% is backwash. Backwash sounds like a good name for a crime show from the 70s. Don't you think? Backwash. Or a crime show from today about the 70s. Really good.

How does that work? So it's just a period piece. From today about the 70s. Oh, okay, right. I thought it was criminal. It was like police of today, but all the crimes are from the 70s. I guess that's a kind of a cold case. Well, I've got an idea. How about this? This show? Hot case. Hot case. Right, really good. It's two people. Yes. Who detectives.

Yes. Who go back over solved crimes and see if the evidence points to anything else. That's closed case. Oh, I know, but we're calling it hot case. Surely hot case is like crimes that are currently being ably investigated by somebody else who has a lot of leads and is doing quite well. And in hot case, somebody else comes along and tries to investigate it at the same time

see if they can beat them. Maybe derail them. Or else it's like it's almost like a case race. Yeah, case race. It's, but you know, so they've just, the people investigating the case, they've successfully got a confession from the lead suspect.

Yeah. And the people from hot case, they come in, they're like, give me five minutes alone with them. I record I could get him, you know, I don't know. To changes? No, they just get it out of him again. But more and faster. Were they, were they trying to file a report before the other guy does?

Yeah. Hot case. I think that's really good. I would write that down as a sketch. Two of you. So hot case, co case race, investigation,

hot case, something, I need some initials, right? Like SVU or something like that. I've got hot case, hot, I've got hot case case race. Case race. Yeah, but I wanted to say like three initials like. B-L-B-L sigma. So, sigma lambda, lambda, chow. You've just given me a fraternity, haven't you? Well, chow, that's not a Greek letter.

It's not? No. It should be. Ciao. Ciao, that's a Greek letter. Ciao. Ciao. Isn't that TAU? Maybe. Sigma. Lambda. Ciao.

I don't know how to feel about any of this. Ciao, it's an Italian word. Right. But it also sounds like it could be like a Chinese last name. Yeah, or a Chinese letter maybe. Or a Chinese number. Maybe. Let's make a movie called Sigma Kappa Phi, right?

But Kappa is C-A-W-P-E-R, and it's Warwick Kappa, the Australian rules footballer, who wore those tight shorts in the 80s. Yeah. And appeared in Playboy. And appeared in Playboy. And who now is just like a... Just a guy, a personality, who apparently... Makes money being himself.

Makes money being himself, and charges people, money to come to their parties, and hangs out with you, and that sort of thing. Yeah. Anyway, he goes back to college, but in America. Right? money to come to their parties and hangs out with you. And that sort of thing. Anyway, he goes back to college, but in America, right? Okay. And he did some sort of frat of some kind. And he does really well. He does really well. Yeah. You know, he turns his life around the end, he has to sort of

do some sort of debate on the school science team, you know, like science debates. Yeah, yeah. You know how they achieve the truth in science through debate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, well that's right. Yeah. They must have achieved something through debate. For a waste of argument.

Debate, at least like. In science, I think only like appointing people to their head of some kind of like organization. Or deciding, you know, what the strength of gravity is. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, maybe like what the kitchenette cleaning roster is. But what do you think about a scientific method where it's all resolved through debate, right?

An alternative universe, and where all the, you know, the constants of the universe aren't detected, aren't measured using sophisticated technology, they're all sorted out, you know. Through the Socratic method. Through the... I mean, I guess I'm just describing ancient Greece, aren't I? Yeah, but I mean, you could bring it back, because I think there's a there isn't that aspect of these like a lot of these people who are around who are a bit like skeptical of the world. And they're also a bit skeptical of evidence because they're like, well, I can find you the exact same amount of evidence showing for the opposite side. And they don't realize that some evidence has better value than other evidence.

Yeah. Well, I mean, where's your evidence of that? Yeah. You know? That's right. Like, you then have to go and find evidence that their evidence is bad. And now you've had to find twice as much evidence as they have, which makes you look, you know, like you're overreaching.

Yeah, that's right. It makes you look desperate. You've got all these extra evidence. Yeah, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trying a bit too hard. What about, I mean, I look, I like this idea, but I like the spirit of it. But what about the new scientific method?

That's a good spin on it. Yeah. I think we need one. Fresh. It's like the fresh testament. Like the fresh testament. Which we found out. We've come up with twice on the podcast.

And then somebody sent us a thing showing that somebody had actually come up with the fresh testament. Yeah, I think there was a picture of Christ writing a dinosaur. Oh, no, maybe it was the Bible too. The Bible too. Yeah, no, no, if anybody's called there's the fresh testament. But I think that you could add to the scientific method and make it satirical. By saying it's like, well, part of the new scientific method is, is retweets. Is retweets and how angrily,

how angrily you present your research. How loud you can shout. Yeah. Are we still use advanced technology, you know, apparatus, equipment, that's a scientific equipment in order to determine the truth of things, but we just use it to measure the volume that you're shouting at when you propose your theorem. Yeah, and somebody else, and you can make other theorems lose credibility by calling the people who

Proposed them fucking idiots. Yeah, or phony's or accusing them of being Bought and paid for you know by the are they are only doing this to get funding, you know all the climate scientists all that The unanimous voice of climate science is apparently because that's you know, they need to say that in order to get their research funding, you know, which by the way, one amazing argument, because when people go into, you know, research science, they're doing it for the money. Absolutely no question. If I want the big bucks, what I do is I go into quite dry academic fields and I work in research.

Yeah, in struggle too. I don't go and take money, any fucking amount of money as much money as you want to just be a hack saying whatever the fossil fuel industry. You don't do that? I don't do that. No. I work a thankless job, it obscurity, toiling away, measuring like, almost a pos, you know,

just unbelievably difficult things, drilling holes in the ice caps. That's what I do, that's where the money's at. Yeah, I know about how cool would it be though to get to drill, just to drill, got into the empty. You know what, if they're not doing it for the money, they're doing it just to get those,

that doing that drilling. Yeah, you can get a good selfie doing that. Those ice cores. Ice core drilling. Ice core drilling. Mm. I mean, how nice would it be just to have that nice, long piece of ice?

Mm, nice core. Do you think they ever put a piece of that ice in their drink? Every single time. You can have ice in your drink from thousands of years ago, which has a different carbon dioxide content. That's right.

See, let's take some of that information that they're finding out, right? Take some of this stuff that's, it's all a bit negative, right? It's all a bit about, you know, the world is warming and the carbon dioxide and that sort of thing. What if you say we've found that ice from 18,000 years ago has a much lower carbon dioxide

content and so it's more delicious in a... Martini. Great. Yeah. See now this is... It would go better with a fizzy kind of thing, you know, maybe. Sure. That has a high.

Sure, high carbon, so there's more contrast. Does your carbonated drink? Yes. Your soda waters, your soda waters, maybe if you prefer, your seltzer, yeah. Sprits? Your spritzed liquid. Yeah, your soda pop um

Can a pop do you think that due to the high amount of carbon dioxide in it that it experiences the greenhouse effect? On a sort of micro level Yeah, yeah, like think do you think your drink? Yeah, yeah, like think do you think your drink Gets warmer in a warm room faster If it's carbonated then if it is if it isn't now I'm gonna say yes I

Think there's only that tiny little bit of air at the top isn isn't there? Or tiny little bit of gas at the very top of the bottle. I think that would mostly be carbon dioxide. And I think because of the way carbon dioxide interacts with infrared heat, you know, it's been radiated out from the surface of the earth. But doesn't the carbon dioxide also remain in the bubbles? Yeah, it's in the bubbles as well, but I don't think bubbles are there when It's closed, right? The bubbles don't form when it's there aren't bubbles in the water when the can is closed When the bottle isn't open. Okay. It's just dissolved in the water as

Carbonic acid. I want to say. Sure. I mean, I wanted you to say that. And it's when you open the can, you change the pressure. You release the pressure that that comedioxide is able to dissolve out of the liquid, forming the bubbles. It's free. It's funny free.

Yeah. To do what it wants. To become a bubble. Finally free. To do what it wants. But to become a bubble. That. But that's only short-lived.

Right, because then it gets to the surface. But I wasn't talking about you drink that's in a bottle. It's talking about a glass. All right. Well, I think that's very hard to say, LSD. No, I don't think it is hard to say. No, okay. Watch me say it. Okay, great.

A glass with bubbles in it. Bubbles filled with carbon dioxide. Yeah. Gets warmer at a faster rate than one with no carbon dioxide bubbles in it. Okay. I mean, Andy, that was so easy to say. You're right, that was so easy.

And it's all because. You made it look so easy. It's because of the climate change in the glass. Mm. Climate change in a glass. Are you a mixologist? Clamate. Are you a mixologist, Andy? Uh, no, no, I've done it.

Well, that's maybe one of the reasons why you don't pay attention to some of these tiny details like this. Are you a, an award-winning drink maker? A mixologist? A mixologist. No, no, no. I mean, your answer hasn't changed, so I don't see why your knowledge would have changed. And do you think that the the of all theologists?

Do you think the mixologist is the lowest of theologists? Actually, Andy, I don't think so because I had a problem recently with my mix. Oh, okay. And luckily because of the great healthcare system in this country, fine nation of ours. Best bloody country on earth. You know, and I'm not afraid to say that you're able to see a mixologist. No, but that's because of a, there's a small amount of socialism in our in our in our you know it's obviously

it's capitalism oh sure yes but headline billing capitalism capitalism but there's some social supporting cost that helps us not have to pay thousands of dollars for medical treatment yeah and you know who who who helped create that perfect blend between capitalism and socialism. It was a mixologist. Right. And I think those mixologists, but also they don't just do different economic systems. They also do the mix in your body. Well, what you'll see in public debate is that people with one area of expertise suddenly

start giving their opinion on other areas of expertise. That's why you have geologists and even psychologists and that sort of thing, chipping in appearing as experts talking about climate change, even though they're not climate scientists per say. Per say. Per say. Per se. Per. But I think a mixologist, they know about mixing.

They know about getting the right quantities of things. That's right. Right. Why can't they chip in and say what they think about social mixing, say, or all the mix of socialism and capitalism in Australia's economic setup. Yeah, or how much water is required to turn a sand pit into a quick sand pit. Exactly, I don't see why a mixologist

couldn't play the role almost a rasputin. You know, coming in, talking to our leaders, whispering in there, yeah. Helping cure their children. Yes. Of any kind of mixed-based ailments. Sleeping with their sirenas. And generally, having a big influence.

Because they know about mixing. Everything is mixing. Everything is mixing. Nothing is just a thing. Everything is a mix. Eating is mixing. It's taking you and mixing it with other. Even unmixing things is mixing because it's taking things that are mixed and mixing them

with things that aren't. If I'm trying to get all the gold out of some crushed rock, what am I doing? I'm getting those little gold particles and I'm mixing them with the other gold particles. Right. Unmixing is mixing. That's right. And accelerating is... Decelerating. Is a form of decelerating.

Which is a form of... Which is mixing. Which is also mixing. Because you're mixing speed. Speed with less speed. Speed with less speed. And speeding with... Accelerating with braking.

I like to use both pedals at the same time. You're mixing, going somewhere with stopping. That's right. Those two things don't seem to make go together. And yet a good mixologist is able to find the right blend. And it was thanks to the mixologist, because I used to, when I drove a manual, I used to ride the clutch a lot.

But it was thanks to a mixologist, that I learned how to ride the accelerator and the brake. And squeeze a little bit of lime onto the pedals. And onto my tongue. squeeze a little bit of lime onto the petals. On to that, and onto my tongue. I started to sound to me like mixology is a new religion. You know? Sure, but it's not really a religion though, it's science.

It's science, oh sure it's science. It's the first science-based religion. Yeah, it's that perfect blend of science and religion. Science, science, religion, and religion. Science, religion and flavor. Yeah. Because there's not a lot of religions right now that are based on flavors. You're absolutely right.

They almost seem to try and take flavor out of things. Like those communion wafers. There's not a lot going on there, flavor wise, is there? And even the red wine, it's not like a specific, as far as I'm aware, I've never tried it. I've never even tasted a communion wafer. I don't like to apologize for going out there and saying any of this.

I have had bags and bags of communion wafer. Oh, really? Because my grandpa used to go, No, wait, is this true? Yeah, he used to get just like, I think the trimmings, I don't know where he would get this, but you could just snack on it. I just, you're a grandfather.

Would get the trimmings of communion, wife. They can get them trimming. How? Well, I don't know, I guess it's this. Where was your grandfather? Montreal. Right. And I know.

Oh, sure, I've got a grandfather in Canada. Yeah. He gets, he gets all the communion trimmings he won. Well, as you know, Quebec used to be a theocracy, right? Is that true? I think it was pretty much a theocracy. Yeah, wow. You know, basically under the rule of the church, right?

And now, of course, they're under the rule of that bloody maple syrup corporation, don't they? Yeah. Whoever that wants is. Just introduce it. No, yeah. I think all the maple syrup in Canada is pretty much controlled by the one. Oh, I'm not surprised. Yeah, that's how they get a process. Big maple syrup. Big maple. And maples are big.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Check it out. Um, anyway, you know, so, so, so because of that big church industry, they, you know, they thought they would have a lot of communion way for manufacturing in town, sometimes maybe even in house. Now, the off-cats of communion in Wafers, I assume those are the toenails in the hair of Christ. Yeah, yeah, they're definitely, but it could also be his clothes. Oh, yeah.

I think when they turned them into... His shit? Well, maybe. I guess he would have had something. He's like a prawn or a shrimp. You gotta take that end trail out. But I don't think, I think when they made him into bread and wafers, they just put him into

like a big grinder. Yeah. They didn't clean him off. They didn't... Sure, and shock him. Yeah, he was the one who cleaned. Remember. They didn't clean them off. They didn't... Sure, and shock him. Yeah, he was the one who cleaned. Remember, he was the cleaners. They're not gonna, who cleans the cleaner?

Nobody does. Nobody does the cleaners filthy. A cleaner has to either, doesn't get cleaned or has to clean themself. Won't get cleaned by another cleaner? Maybe. Yeah. Yeah, you know, you're right.

That was a really good thing. And funny. You know? Anyway, so those factories. I think the, I think the, I think the, I think the, the stuff and the way from the communion wife is a, is a sketch. Yeah.

Yeah. All right, offcuts. When they punch them out. Yeah. Would they show, how are they shaped these, these offcuts? Well, it would have been just like, so I think there would have just been sheets. Are they square?

They're round. There would have been like rectangular sheets. Yep. But then the wafers are circular. Right. And so they're just stamping out these wafers. And you're eating these little star shaped, kind of broken bits of fistfuls of them.

Well, just yeah, it's like a sheet with all the circles missing. Oh, and you get it as a sheet or you get it all broken up, wouldn't it? I think maybe partially broken up, but I mean, like, yeah, it, it, look, it wasn't what the trimming's they, they don't give a sheet about, you know, what good shape they're, they're just like, look, if we can make a couple of bucks selling us to that old guy. He apparently gives it to his grandson. Yeah. He aids them by the fistful.

Yeah. And what do they taste like? Nothing, am I right? Did they come from a different level? They're not flavor. You know those biscuits that are like those cream, kind of cream wafer type things, that it's like, it's like a,

it looks like a waffle crinkle wafer. And then it's got that some fake sugar cream thing. We used to eat those heaps. That's just brought back that was like a real big thing for us growing up. I don't think I've seen one in. Yeah, they still exist, I think, but yeah, you don't encounter them very much

in your life these days. But those kind of, so it's just. Do you think biscuits have come a long way? Do you think we sort of, you know, I don't encounter them very much in your life these days, but those kind of things. So it's just... Do you think biscuits have come a long way? Do you think we sort of... You know, I don't know. Edge down all those old biscuits, the wafer biscuits and stuff. Wafer thin, when they got a wafer thin, maybe? Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, wafer thin. What? Waffle? Waffle wafer? Waffle wafer? Waffle wafer thin? Waffle wafer thin. Waffle wafer thin. Sorry, I waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle's not puffed. Oh, no, there's no puff. No, no, no.

I think they got that effect through layering in the biscuit. Yeah. Is it layered then? No, no, this one isn't layered. Oh, right. You know, this one. And it's not sweet, either, is it?

It's not sweet. No, it's kind of like eating paper, and it's like edible paper. Oh, you still love eating paper. Someone told me it had rat poison in it. I was like, I don't know. I have a pair of her things. I have an eight-poison.

Yeah, bleach, the boy that's. That's another thing they said. That checks out though. They said that in toilet paper, it was like, yeah, okay, so does my toilet. Oh, right, yeah, you're like unbleached or bleached. Yeah, I don't know, but you know, it doesn't matter how it has bleached.

I put, I bleached my toilet. Yeah, but you don't bleach your asshole. People do? I sure. I guess people do bleach your asshole. I can if I want to. That's my prerogative. I think maybe this off cuts of communion wafers might be a bit of stand-up or something. Well, maybe this is like a... I think that's... I mean, you know, which bits of Jesus' body they are. Yeah, I think that's fun. That's a thing, you know? They're at the, maybe at the communion wafer factories

where they're stepping them out or whatever. They just have a stall there or you know, you just go in. You don't like those places that don't know. Tana la Christ. Tana la Christ. Our ball of Christ. Cornia. Mmm.

That's with the bottles of wine. Yeah. Do they shake them up or something to just use? Shake all the sediment through? What happens to the sediment? In the bottle of wine. When you're giving it to cross, that's cross blood in that bottle. Yeah, so what is the sediment? Sorry about all the blasphemy in this episode, by the way.

Yeah. I just not something I set out to do. Well, this wasn't even registering to me as anything I could even be considered. Great, great. Good. Well, I'm glad I brought it up, but also I'm happy to move on. Speaking flippantly about things that some people value.

Yeah, care deeply about and define their lives and also help them and make them happy. I know, to move on. Speaking flippantly about things that some people value. Yeah, care deeply about and define their lives and also help them and make them happy. I know, but I think. But also make them obnoxious sometimes. However, I think using a belief to define your life is also a bad thing. And that would be the cornerstone of the belief system that I want to create.

And that's one of the, I stand by that. I thought of a great word to describe our political system in Australia. Yeah. We're not living in a democracy. We're living in an obnoxious, everyone's so obnoxious. Oh yeah. And all those latest obnoxious, obnoxious. And obnoxious.

Yeah, that's something. Yeah. Is it? Yeah, no, it's definitely something. Yeah. Andy. Right. You would need, you would need at least 10 philosophers to successfully get one to correctly argue that that was nothing.

Wow. Yeah. What do you reckon, what's the sort of the pack size when you're buying philosophers? Six probably get six philosophers in a pack. So I'd have two philosophers left over. Right and that's good. You can put those in the fridge and have an argument with them later. Yeah I don't think they'd be very expensive. So I think you could probably get a 36 pack. 36 pack of philosophers. Yeah. Wow. That's good. I always worry about philosophers getting people pregnant. I just, I don't know how they can...

You mean like modern day philosophers, people who've done a philosophy degree or something like that, studied philosophy? You worry about them getting someone pregnant and then it's like, where is, who's going to look after this child? Yeah, but your philosophy is not gonna sustain. It's not even just that.

I think I saw a documentary about G-JEC and I saw you had a young child and I was like, oh, I'm worried about that kid. You know, G-JEC's doing quite well. Yeah, right. There's even a school of G-JEC studies somewhere. Really? Yeah.

G-JEC, it's just a fun sound. Gosh, good name. He's a fun sound to listen to. She's a zipper. I'm sorry, I didn't know where to go with it. There's nowhere to go with it. It's just a pithy thing to say. Mate, that's a bloody obnoxricy.

I wonder if somebody hearing obnoxricy would even cut null and that it was to do with a word obnoxious. Hmm. It's got the word knob in it. Mm-hmm. Obnob. Obnob. And that's the thing British people say, hubnob.

I do. Because I once I got a photo. Actually, it doesn't have the word nob in it. Obnob, Chrissy. Oh yeah, you're right. But it has the feeling like it has the word obnob. It does feel like it has an open it. You see, you see, I don't read words as they are.

I read their feel, you know? Some more feel, right? Feel reader. I read your feels. One time I was in a photo, I did community television here, and I appeared on the show with Dr. Carl from Neighbors. And... He was on the community television.

He was on the community TV show. Was this acting? Were you acting with him or was it? No, no, no, we were just appearing as guests or maybe I was doing a stand-up spot and he was appearing as a guest. Yep. And then we got a photo in the green room together and I posted it on my social media

and then a British person accused me of being a hub knobber Really, I think it was an accusation and I think it was thrown at me hub Nob now a hub. Yeah, is that a part of an oven? A knob is also a part of an oven Hmm This is getting very interesting. You're being an oven or part of an oven. Hmm. This is getting very interesting. They're accusing you of being an oven. Or parts of an oven.

Well, but then it's... Maybe a hobnobber is somebody who goes up to the hob, the oven, and is always fiddling with the knobs, like when somebody's playing with the stations in a radio, you know, in the house. And then they're like, oh, you're bloody hobnobber, you're nobling the hobbs. Right?

Oh, make that a knob, hobber.ba, you're nobbing the hobs. Right? Make that a nob-hober. No, a hob-nober? Yeah. Yeah. Unless I'm nobbing the hobs. So I'm using my penis and putting it on the hobs. On the hob. Yeah, I'm nobbing it.

Yep. To nobbit would be to sort of mash your your breeding finger. Is that being used? I don't think so. I think breeding finger is a is let's that is you're welcome. Did standard of debate these days. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Great. I think, oh, such a classy thing to call somebody. He was a real breeding finger, you know? Yeah. Because it's both of those words are totally innocuous. Certainly breeding and finger is nothing saucy about either of them.

And yet put them together. Don't you think? Breeding, finger, nothing about thyrus. Oh, there are those words. Would ever for a second make you think anything untoward. And yet, and yet put them together. Yeah. And almost by magic, the magic of mixology.

Yes. You've created a cocktail. Yes. Right. Again, two words. Two words that have nothing suspicious in you Indic about them. And... Yeah. Breeding finger. Can you write down breeding finger?

As a sketch. As a word. Just I'll write down the word. Yeah, as a phrase. Look, I don't see why we can't get breeding finger into the discourse in some way or another. I'm always, I'm always thinking I wanted to come up with the new clusterfuck. Because I feel like the word clusterfuck, when it first came out that word, it was a very exciting time because you're like, this is the best word. You can use it for almost anything and you sound like you're a cool guy, who sort of dismisses things, but is also rude. You know, cool. Yeah, cool.

But also somebody who sounds like you know enough about stuff to know when stuff isn't good. Yes, absolutely. And also you know this new word and it's fun to say. Anyway, and now obviously everyone calls everything a claustrophobic. When we overused it, it's no longer any fun. You don't and now obviously everything everyone calls everything a clusterfuck When we overused it's no longer any fun. You don't sound special using that. You think the fire festival was a clusterfuck Yeah, yes, it absolutely was yeah, what about American politics right now? Oh

Tell you what that's an obnoxiously. Well, you're right. Yeah, you've you've You've App applied mixology well. I was just trying to call it. I see you know your mixology well. Um, breeding finger. Look, maybe even a band. Really? Wow. Just saying things are a band name, though, is also, I'm over it.

Okay, well, how about we say a new thing? How about this? Oh, that would be a great flavor of ice cream. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I like it. It's different. It's perhaps not quite as versatile.

We're like, like, probably breeding finger. I think I could precisely sell it. That's a great flavor of ice cream. You don't think so? Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career in a rewarding field, with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments.

Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time, mycomputercareer.edu. But I mean, wouldn't it be interesting if someone actually did make an ice cream that tasted like a finger?

Oh, like hang on, what time of day are we tasting the finger? Because I feel like the finger, first thing after the shower, very, very different taste to like a 5 p, 6 PM finger. It's an ice cream that tastes like a freshly-shoured finger. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Little bit of soap.

You recognize it as soon as you taste it. Yeah. Here you go. Is that a washed finger? That tastes like somebody's just washed their finger and put, popped it in my mouth. And you know what, I reckon that should be the flavor instead of vanilla.

Because vanilla is, you know, and this has been commented upon, vanilla, we treat that as plain. But it's not, it's a very specific, quite strong, quite weird flavor, really, vanilla. It's very weird, isn't it? Yeah. And, you know, it comes from the bark of some tree

that only grows in Borneo or something like that. Anyway. Oh, Borneo. No, Borneo. Come on. There's somewhere where they're denuding a whole lot of rain for us. Oh, it's a perm.

Burma. It's probably Burma. The Borneo of the mainland. Yeah. Is Borneo an island? Borneo of the mainland. Yeah. This Borneo and Ireland? Borneo is an island. Yes. Yep.

Correct. It's where the salt and the broon islands. Wait, what did we just come up with as a sketch idea? Yeah. Oh yeah. Freshly washed finger, that should be the new vanilla, because you think about it, like back in the day, right? You're eating things.

You're eating with your hands. Yeah. Right? Yes. think about it, like back in the day, right? You're eating things. You're eating with your hands. Right? Yes. You're eating with your hands. You're tasting the flavor of the food. Now, imagine you're eating something that has no flavor, whatever. What's whoever? What are you tasting? You're just tasting the fingers that you're using to put the food into your mouth. Right? That is the cosmic background radiation of flavor that should be with us at all times. Either that or the flavor of the tongue

or the flavor of saliva. Fresh saliva. That would be a great attempt. Fresh saliva? Fresh saliva. That's a great flavor. I think, you know, this, because I think if you're gonna start an ice cream company

today, you gotta be bold. There's so many ice cream companies. So many ice cream companies. Ben and Jerry's. Yes. And then there's a Nestle one, probably have one. Yeah, they'd have one. UniLiever, they probably have one.

They probably got two. Yeah. You know, different brands in different countries. And the rest. Yes. You know. So that's at least three. If you count the rest, that's four.

Yeah. And that's at least three if we were right about the ones that we were guessing. Yeah. Yeah. But even if we weren't, there's probably others. That's right. So I reckon base level, absolute minimum, there are three, or four. Or four.

Ice cream companies in the world. Yeah. Places that have been selling. And so now, if you want to break into that, what's the problem? And you think about them, how many flavors does each of those have? At least three or four each. Three or four, or each. One ice cream that has at least three flavors in it.

In it, yeah. Jeez, they must have been feeling confident when they started just chucking flavors in together. I've got flavors to burn. That's not the kind of thing that an insecure person does. Not at all. Unless they're really insecure. Oh, the, oh, maybe.

We're all in there. The game is not gonna be enough. We should put chocolate and lime. And pink. Pink. You see, I tried to say, like, the apology, it's gonna be a different one. Yeah, I didn't. I tried to mix it up.

It's good. Freshly like this, this is Neapolitan, Politan. It has Neapolitan on one side. Mm-hmm. And then chocolate and then vanilla. That's a great idea. Thanks.

And I think it meant... Because really the pink is the last one. Nobody wants, in the end, the... Think of which ones left over at the end. Yeah, it's pink. So it was the pink. Or chocolate. Or what?

Why would you say that? Is this a prank? Yeah, it was a huge prank. Andy, you've been part of my YouTube prank show. Oh. Ah, just kidding. It's not really on YouTube, it's on Vimeo. You've been, you've got a game.

I got ya. Yes. Oh, although I am playing some of it, some of my YouTube, my Vimeo show on YouTube. To give people a shot. So, you've been tripled on. Yes. Except that second one, you're being tripled on. Except that second one, you were pretty right.

And thinking, but not entirely. I think what I like about the idea of a sort of finger or hand and finger flavored food is what is that you eat it with a utensil Mmm. You know and for once you're eating fingers and with you know like it's like fingers in a spoon And do you what you trying to relax your tongue again? Your eyes Went real limp again. No, I was trying to in fact probably just relax my brain in a way that would allow me to say it to just accommodate whatever it was you were about to say.

And I'm glad I did, because otherwise I could have hurt myself. You know, it's like when you're falling out of a plane, if you're very relaxed, you'll survive. That's right. You gotta be so relaxed. So relaxed. What do you think about when you're falling from a plane to relax so that you don't hurt yourself when you lay it on the ground? Or let's see, it doesn't have to be in a stair plane, you could be falling out of a chairlift. Yeah, okay. Oh wow. So I don't have long. I got to get into this state of relaxation. You got to really relax.

I think at least when I'm falling out of the plane, I got time to sort of come to terms with some stuff. Take a few breaths and things like that, but you know what? You're falling out of a chair, Luke. You've got to have your mantra, your mantra's got to be punchy. Whatever it is that gets you to that Z in place. You don't have time to listen to a full episode of Shusha, Alistair's new podcast.

No. guided meditation podcast. Shusha. Very available on all podcasts, places. All of them. It's a relaxing comedy podcast. That's what I should put as the word. A relaxing comedy podcast.

Yeah. No, we're a relaxing comedy meditation. That's good too. Guided meditation. It's really very good. Oh, relaxing. People have been living reviews and stuff. It's getting into somebody personally lot of people have been living reviews and stuff and it's getting into it personally.

I mean, how good it is. People have been saying it's been helping them sleep. Yeah. I mean, that helps me sleep when they say that. And when people, they feel like they say that. I think when they tell me that I say, would you mind coming around to my house and whispering that to me while I'm in bed? Well, sleep over music. Or under music.

Or under music. Or under music. Shushur. Shushur. Shushur. So anyway, thank you to all of you, anybody who's listened or who is about to listen. And it's about to check out Shushur guided meditations. I know I'm going to go back to doing the sketchbook. Hey, I'd like to also thank the people who will get out their phone to being like, oh,

that's a good idea. Get out their phone to like download or something. And then see something else on their phone and get distracted and never get around to it. Because they had the best will in the world. Absolutely. None of us have the strength of monitoring. No, buddy.

Turn on our phones and get to what we were trying to do. To do what you were intending to do. No, that was crazy. No one would expect that of you. No. Because I think it's fair that if you go to your phone that before you do what you should do, you should just check to see if there's any notifications. Correct. On anything. You know how you turned off notifications on

Facebook so that you could get more done? Better open Facebook and just check if there are any notifications in the application. That's right. Because it seems to turn it off, you don't get those notifications anymore. So if anything, you're opening it more just to check to see whether there are any. And then sometimes it says there are like 47 notifications and you click on it and it's like, I don't know why there are none. You're like, well, and like, I mean, I didn't expect there to be 47. There were none this morning.

And you know, suddenly tell me there's 47 notifications. I look at it like, well, there aren't any. I don't know why I thought, I don't know why I thought there would be that many. That would be crazy. I would have had to be implicated in some kind of world event for enough people to want to get in touch with me. But then they would have DM'd me. I would have got messages through my messenger app.

Why would they be showing up? Like nobody sees that I'm involved in some kind of world event and then posts on my wall. Nobody posts on anybody's wall now anyway. Only dumb joke questions that you want everybody else to see. Yeah, sure. But why would those arise from a world event?

People in the real world, right? People in the real world who aren't in, let's say, the inner planet broadcasting friends world that we are in. Sort of the inner group, not the sort of great mates. People who are actually friends say with Nick Mason, they might not know that in that world, we all have a joke where we post on Nick Mason's wall, hi Nick.

I have a tram question. I have a tram question. And then you wait until he goes, yes. And you ask him your question. I have a tram question and then you wait until he goes yes And you ask him you ask him your question dumb tram question. Yeah Who was the first person who asked him a tram question? It might have been Nelly what it feels like Nelly what? Yeah, she's a she's a pioneer. She's you know and and that You know, and that, that, doing, asking that question is sort of like the entering Arizona for the first time and sort of planting a flag in the ground

and saying this belongs to me. And people have tried to, you know, fight her off. She's the patient zero of entering Arizona to plant a flag. Entering Arizona. That would have been the, the Arizona that is the porn version of raising Arizona to plan to flag. Entering Arizona. That would have been the... The Arizona that is... The porn version of raising Arizona. Which I don't know, might have been a movie about a baby

and I have all the kids. Maybe Arizona was the baby. I thought it was a movie about burning the state of Arizona. Rising, that would be R.A.Z. I.N.G. That's the destruction. That's the chaos porn version. Yeah, and that's what Nelly White did I'm gonna make when she asked Nick Mason. I'm gonna make food porn versions of movies right so instead of

It will humping saving private Ryan. Yeah, it's gonna be shaving Parmesan cheese Parmesan cheese. Parmesan...tryin'. I think that's a great idea. Food porn parody. Food porn parody. So what's the goodwill hunting? Goodwill Humping. Goodwill Humping. Yeah. Good.

Honey. No. Good. Wilted. Hump. Hump. Hunting. Humping.

Hunker. Chiff. Chiff. Chiff. Goodwill, hunker, chiff. Yes. Yes. Right. Hunting, hunting, pumping, hunker, chiff, chiff, chiff. It's melted hanker, chiff, yes.

Yes, right, this dad, right, this dad, this is such a good idea. Everyone listening agrees. Movie porn parodies. Yes. Oh, I see, this has been a really good episode. Yeah, I've been having fun, Andy. Do you think we should go to three words from our listener?

Yeah, I'd love that. Well, Andy, I'm so Evan, fun Andy. Do you think we should go to three words from our listener? Yeah, I'd love that. Well, Andy, I'm so excited to bring you these three words from a person who supports us both emotionally and financially on our Patreon, which anybody can do. Like on a patreon.com slash two in tank, probably. Imagine that. You're able to affect our emotions from anywhere in the world. It's, I think it's, I think it's, I think it's, it's essentially quantum. It's essentially a hive mind. Hive. Yes. Quantum hive. Yes. Quantum, I got some quantum hives right now. Um, at this is, you can either see where they are or how much they're itchy.

Mm. But not both. It's kind of like that with itches. No, you can't, you can see where they are by where you're itching. Yeah, good point. Andy, I'll listen to today's Tyler Farer. But itches are able to quantum tunnel. They can move from one part of the body

to another part of the body without touching the passing through the intermediates. Oh, is itching threes? Is that also quantum? Have you noticed Oh, is it in threes? Is that also quantum? Have you noticed that? Oh, is it in threes? Yeah, if you get an inch that moves from one place to another place.

To another place. Scratch that second one. It's going to be a third one. And then you're done. That's great. But if you're not done, you got another 3 to go to. And if you become really obsessive about it, you never stop. Let's make a parody of the seven-year-age called the Seven-Each-Year.

And it's where somebody gets itchy seven times in a year. And if we made parody movies, we could make movies really quick. So quick. Yeah. Because they wrote themselves like that one about the itches that I just came up with. Well, that's the story. It's got a clear ending. You finished the scratching the last one. Yeah. Sometimes you probably, it's probably getting close to the end of the year and he goes, I wonder if I'm going to get itchy again. And then you know how when you think about being itchy,

it makes you itchy. No, you're itchy. Yeah. And then he goes, oh, that was a seven. Even as you were saying that, Alistair, you scratched your head because I think saying, thingy about being itchy. Now I'm doing it. Nowair, you scratched your head, because I think saying, thinking about being, now I'm doing it, now I'm scratching my chin. Yeah, I think all the listeners are not scratching themselves. Oh, you're all scratching yourselves. Are you all scratching? If you're not, you're a psychopath.

Now I've got another itch from my head. That's true. Oh, whenever I hear about somebody being a psychopath, that makes me a psychopath. You know, being a psychopath comes in threes. Mm. It's good that there's only a limited number of things that that happens with the human body. You know, your own itching, maybe going to the toilet, sort of with the sound of water and stuff, making you want to do a wee. Yeah, we're

wanting to like... Well, though, I don't know if that's really true. Wanting to like self-destruct, you know that, you know, like you see somebody like drinking loads of booze like that and they're having a good time. I like they're just like, they're injecting themselves with lots of delicious drugs. Delicious drugs. No, but there's no tongue on the inside of your vein. There is no. I've never done any intravenous drugs.

I just want you to know that. And I don't know what anybody would think that I actually think that intravenous drugs are delicious. Cool, little grido delicious. No, I actually find that not drinking and things like that a lot of times actually, much, you tap into more of the natural insanity of just being sober and the craziness of that's good. And cheap.

And it's goddamn cheap. Except all the time you spend doing things. That can be expensive. Oh yeah, now you got all this stuff to do. Yeah, because instead you're just lounging. Anyway, Andy, you know who our listener is today? Who's our listener? I said it before, but you didn't register it.

Oh, I'm sorry. Tell me again, please. T.F. Tala Fera. Yeah, that motherfucker. Yes. Tala, please. T.F. Tala Farah. Yeah, that motherfucker. Yes. Tala, you bad boy.

Yeah, he's the bad boy of three word suggestions. Uh-huh. And also... How great is that the three word suggestions? This is three words. I love that. And that's why I came up with it. Is that on a matter of peer?

Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah. All right. Here's right. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Here's his three words. Do you want to try and guess what one of them will be? There's no reason. There's no reason why you would guess it. Okay. Well, that's a clue.

Logify? No. You're wrong. Miriam. My God, you're so wrong. You're getting further away. Just try one more just to see if you can get worse. Parapet. Oh my god, disgusting.

I don't even think one of those letters was in any of the things. At least one of them was. All right, you ready? Yeah. Latal. Yeah. Biath. Little. Yeah. By athletes. Yeah.

Top not. Little by athletes. Top not, okay. What do we got here? We got the little, we got the biggest of the spoons. Oh, absolutely. We got the by athlete, which is either the athlete who does two sports or the athlete who does two genders.

Mmm. Well, they could maybe both. Mmm. Or would that make them a bye-bye athlete? Wow. Bye-bye, athletes. See you later, athletes. So long. Oh, I love to pronounce the G at the end of that.

I thought of a great thing that I would say if I was in, if I was a lawyer. Yeah. Right? And if I was a lawyer working to defend major companies, Yeah, major ones. Yeah, you know, against like the little guy, so I'm working for the man, right?

And I'm a real cunt. And you are a man as well. And I am a man, working for a man. So it's a patriarchy as well. Yeah. All right, this is what I'd say at the end, if I'd won a case, I'd say, see you later, litigator.

And that's great. Yeah, you're looking at anyone's ever said that in court. I'd say, see you later litigator. That's great. Yeah, look at anyone's ever said that in court. I don't think so. Such a missed opportunity. Yeah, absolutely. See you later litigator. I think that's really good. And so is the litigator the person who's suing?

I think so, yeah. Someone who's litigates. Yeah, right. Quite litigious. But you know what, you as a big companyigates. Yeah, right. Quite litigious. But you know what? You as a big company could also be a litigator. Yeah. Just saying that sometimes you'll be in that position and maybe you come up with a cool

saying for when you like, here I go litigator. I'm a litigator. Yeah, I guess it'd have to be a version of inner-wild crocodile, wouldn't it? Or or it could just be This litigator will see you litigator. Yeah, litigator. I don't know if litigator is great See you in court Practicing torts. There you go. It's which one which one is torts? I Practicing torts. There you go. Which one is torts?

I don't know, but also I don't care. Well, okay, great. All right, so we got ladle, bye bye, athlete, and top not. Now top not is the hairstyle of some athletes often sumo wrestlers. Oh yeah. But also samurai, but is being a samurai a sport? Samurai, but is being a samurai a sport?

Sword fighting is a type of sport. It's like, it's like, I guess being a sort of a killer who's armed with a sword, which is sort of sword is used in sport. So it's sort of like applied sports. Applied sports? Yeah, I guess you're right. Well, war in a lot of ways is applied sports. War is applied sports. Applied sports. Yeah, I guess you're right. Well, war in a lot of ways is applied sports. War is applied sports.

It's running. It's teamwork. Teamwork, it's diving. It's wearing uniforms. Yeah, diving. Yeah, well, some, you know, diving out of the way of a, like a, like a, you know, ballistic thing. What do they call again?

Those, the ones that they're always just... Artillery? Artillery. You know what? What are the ones that go, boom! And they shoot them up. And they're just that little tube and you drop a thing in and then it goes, boom!

Yeah. Boom! Yeah, bit of that. But it's kind of, there's a sound of it going in and bouncing back up. You kind of had it with, you think. No, thanks. I'm not gonna try again.

It's a mortar. Mortar. Yeah, far kind of had it with you thing. No thanks. I'm not going to try again. It's a mortar. Mortar. Yeah, far ahead. Artillery, I don't even know what artillery looks like. Artillery is like a big gun. That's just a big gun. It's just a huge gun that have those wheels and you pull them behind a truck or something and then they go, shh, shh, shh.

Yeah, right. They sort of recoil and they're shivering and they fire. Launch those huge things and then the things explode. And I think I've always just pictured trebuchet. For artillery? Yeah. Man, your mental pictures are way out of date. Yeah, absolutely.

You had to download some sort of firmware thing. Do you think they're still using you artwork? Do they still use artillery or are they just under the mortars now? No, well mortars are just just under the mortars now? No, well mortars might be some sort of form a very small artillery, but they would absolutely still be using big guns and that sort of thing. But maybe it's a lot of rocketry now,

and I'm not sure if rocketry still counts as artillery. That's one's a shun shun shun shun. Yeah, sure. Because then why would you, because yeah, those slower artillery, they seem like they're slow. It sounds like shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun shun sh ones that have got a rocket engine inside the missile. Yeah, and having something that blows up seems like it's better than just something that kind of hits an airy. It's just a huge lump of stuff that just smashes into the ground, which I'm sure would do heaps of damage, but still, I guess something that blows up. But then I guess the Chinese now have that rail gun.

What's that? It's like the one that's based entirely off of an electric charge. Oh yeah. And you just like, you use some electric charge and you can make things go like 200 kilometers. Just like, yeah, it's just... That seems good.

That would be safer for you. For you, yeah, unless you were touching it. Oh, no. No, no. Oh, no. In front of it as well. Yeah, in front. That would be damaging. So, I'm damaging. But then again, it seems weird to kind of go back to just like launching projectiles. Because they were like, oh, this is really going to change the game. This was ship of Chinese, of China's had the real ship. Is it a ship, is it? Yeah, the ship has the gun. A lot of the

biggest guns were initially on ships. And then I maybe the in the first World War. The Germans started building something that they could just walk along but they normally, you know, because you have to set them in concrete and things like that, that was a bit problematic. But, you know, they found themselves to be useful. Anyway, I listened to a podcast on the First World War. I guess this is my wife's telling you that I listened to a podcast on the First World War. I guess this is my way of telling you that I listened to a podcast on the First World War. But one of the great things about it when I was rail gun, is that now you can fire all sorts of stuff.

Now you've got, it's done with electricity, anything that can, any ferromagnetic material. Now you could launch it. So like one of those park benches, you know, one of the ore night broad-eyed or something, a washing machine. See? Washing machine. Yeah, it's a word that we discovered sounds very Chinese.

Yeah, it's over there. It's a big word. It's a big word. Washing. Machine. Oh no. So. Look, I think there is one, the element of of war being applied sports.

I mean, you don't have to kick a ball, but you do have to get things into a goal, like a bullet, but the goal is a head. There are targets, aren't there? The goal is a head. Yeah. Just think of the head as the goal. And the bullet as the soccer ball.

Yeah. Then you shoot with your hand. Yeah. Well, the gun is your leg. The gun is your leg. The gun is. You know when you want to kick something somewhere, how you look down your leg. The gun is your leg. You know when you wanna kick something somewhere, how you look down your leg, for line it up with whatever?

Well look, no, no, I think it's like, the gun is your leg, okay, yeah, you're right. So I thought you were saying your leg is a gun, and I was like, I don't know if I'm making any of that. But then you said, look down. This thing that you're not saying is insane, and then you say, you know how you look down? And then I was like, yeah, okay,

you're looking down at your leg and your leg is a gun. No, that was a joke. Yeah, I know. Well, you do kind of look down at the ball when you kick. I don't. Oh my God, you fucking psychopath. Yeah. You wouldn't be great in applied sports.

So yeah, so the head is the goal, the bullet is the ball, the gun is your leg, and then you, because you're not, but you're still, you're touching your leg with your hand. You're not. So, and I think I was trying to say that you are actually shooting it with your hand, which means then you get a penalty

because in soccer you're not allowed to touch it all with your hand. Touch it all with your hand. And the penalty is you feel guilty about taking a life. Taking a life. Yeah, yeah. A red card, but the color red is still red, but the card is the mist that comes down over your eyes when you come home from war and the slightest irritation sends you into a paranoid psychotic episode because of post-traumatic stress. PTSD. Yeah.

It sends you off. Yeah. Off the rails. Rails guns. Chinese ship washing machine. Yes, yes, Al. Are you going to write something down? I'm just going to write war is applied sports.

Okay, sure. I mean, look, I know you know 100% sold on it because it doesn't feel like it's an entire game sketch. But think about it's a military leader and he's saying this to a group of infantry. This is what you've been training for. No, you're right. That is quite funny. Yeah. Yeah. You know, climbing. I think it's great that, you know, I think it's interesting that I'm just taking people straight out of sports and putting them straight into the field because they are still a field as well. It's still a field.

It's amazing. The similarities are, you know, multiple. Yeah, at least four. Battlefield, soccer field, to the same place. Soccer field or soccer court? Course, soccer course. Squash field? Squash field? Squash field? Oh, outdoor squash.

Yeah. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha.

Just finish the one. Hit the bottom, just go. And then they walk for a bit, they get it. Hit it again. It's just two guys who are, you know, just under lunch break from working in the office. Like Dragon Squash is the only sport that doesn't work outdoors. I think we could be under something here. Bocchi does.

Bocchi? Let's tick them off. Okay. I mean, darts. That would still work out towards another target or something. It would as long as you have the target. I don't think there are any other sports that use the wall. I mean, racquetball, sure, but then that's just squaw.

Squaw, isn't it? Yeah, it's just the same thing. Oh, well done. You found one. Racquetball. Oh, it? Yeah, it's just the same thing. Oh, well done. You found one. I'm raccaball. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone's so proud of you.

Oh, yeah, you got, you made Andy look like a fool. Then you, oh, yeah. Well done. I mean, I do like that part. What part? Oh, I loved everything that you said. Oh, great. Yeah.

Thanks. Um, okay. Well, I think that's enough sketches for today, isn't it? I think so. Yeah. Just doing me read through them. I love that. Okay. We've got a hot case, case race. Yeah. Now look, I'm still going to say that there's two ideas here. Sure. There's the stronger, better idea of yours. Thank you. Which is that it's somebody who's, it's a couple of detectives that are finding open, ongoing investigations and that are being investigated by someone already and then getting in there and trying to solve the crime before they do.

And you know, you use the tropes of cold case like, you know, going back and re-examining the evidence. But somebody's currently examining it, and you come in and re-examining it, or you take it out of the evidence locker, you check it out while they're still hoping to use it. You know, when you're in any of these kind of situations, where you've got to find out stuff about an ongoing case, it really helps to have a friend in the DA. You know you got to have a friend at the DA who

can leak you some stuff. And I mean that's what's that? Detective. Area. Detective area. That's where I'm at and I'm my own friend. But then there's also the other idea of going back and solving cases that aren't cold cases, but that are from a long time ago, but they were solved and they caught the killer, but re-examining the evidence and seeing. Well, that just sounds like a good idea, though. You know, like, especially if there's a reason to suspect that there was... No, but that's the thing is that there's no reason to suspect. I'm saying, you go into things that

look like clear cut. Yeah, like reinvestigate the great train robbery. Sure. See if Ronnie Biggs really was involved. You know, my street isn't called Ronald Street and then next street along is called Biggs Street. Really, Suss, isn't it? Well, then next street along is called Big Street. Really? Sass, isn't it? Well, I think it might be named after that guy. I think there might be some gold buried. So I wasn't surprised.

I just forget to breathe in sometimes. Okay, next sketch idea is the new scientific method. Yeah, it's based around debate. Best around debate. A lot of shouting. A lot of shouting who. Facebook likes. Yeah, who has the most retweets or whether you've written your evidence in capitals, that definitely helps. Underlining things. Underlining things. Drawing red circles around photos from Google Maps and then an arrow and a big question mark.

Using two photographs next to each other where the shape of one thing in one photograph looks like something totally different from like an old book. Also referring, saying that certain things are true because it's common sense. Yes. Common sense is a really big part of the new scientific method. Then we got the rise of the mixologists, and that's, you know, mixologists obviously started in cocktails, but it's a field that has broadened, and now obviously, when they become mixologists, that's when they enter the medicine field and then was it now that they're a big part of all science and I mean

they're a religion, they're also a religion that is based on taste. I wonder if there are any, I think people sort of have their debate around psychology and whether or not it's a true science. I think mixologists probably a couple of the same flanks. I think, you know, mixologists probably couple a lot of the same flank. I think you're right. But think about this, you know, people, you know, in most traditional religions, this is gonna be like, mixology is just basically

becoming the broadest of fields. It spans, I guess kind of like the Buddhists have kind of attempted to do where they say like, oh yeah, they've attempted to kind of go like, well, yeah, actually a lot of the ideas that they're discovering in quantum physics, that stuff that we talk about. And they go, I was at, is that really? Okay, great. That's great that you said some weird random stuff and then it just turned out that there

was some basis in science. Anyway, I say a lot of stuff too and some stuff accidentally turns out to be true. If you say enough stuff. Yeah. That's what I was kind of saying about MagMoz trying to explain different ideas that we had in MagMoz the other day. MagMoz out show that we're doing at the upcoming Melbourne International Comedy Festival. If you haven't bought tickets already, that's okay.

There's still time. There's still time and you can buy some now. I did on loan. Lots of people haven't bought tickets., that's okay. There's still time. There's still time and you can buy some now. I did it on the loan. Lots of people haven't bought tickets. Don't feel bad. It goes from March 26th to April 21st. And it's gonna be so good. That's right, and I was saying to somebody, I was like, look, and then we've got this idea

for kind of twists, right? And then the end of the year, and he goes, whoa, that's a crazy amount of journey to travel for that joke. And I go, well, that's a crazy amount of the journey to travel for that joke. And I go, well, that's the thing. When you have so much weird stuff in one show, you can accidentally say things and it's linked to something else in the show. And it seems like you will really clever and connected everything.

But actually, you just have a lot of stuff in your show. It's always going to seem like something connected to something else. It's right. You say enough things in an hour. The only thing I was going to say about the mixologist religion is that a lot of regular religions people have visions. But in this one people have tastings. They go, a taste came to me in a dream last night.

I think it was cranberry. What do you think it means? Savier. Savory. Savier. Flavier. Flavier. Savior. The Flavier. It's about a guy. This is just... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. ITE. I'm favorite, but savory. What's your savory? What's yours? Yeah, it's good, Andy. You should work for a marketing department. I will, I do. I came up with another one. Off-cuts of communion whifers. Flavor lunch. That's been used by anybody. I'm sure it has. It's got to be fl-flava lunch.

Yeah, no you're right. We'll pronounce it your way. Yeah. Flav-because for me it doesn't work. Flavor lunch. Oh! I was at a ski resort the other day and there was an avore lunch. You know, I say flavor.

Anyway, off-cuts to communion waifers, there's that, you know, there's these people and what's in that? Was it Jesus's toe? Nail? Nail? Nail, there could be nails in there. Probably.

To get those out. Freshly washed finger ice cream flavor. Yeah, you know, it's just, yeah, that's the bice. That's a great idea. That's gonna be the new standard. Well, that's the base. That's a great idea. That's going to be the new standard. Well, that's what made me think of before you know, think about eating that finger flavored ice cream with a

spoon. What about this? It's an Indian food that is fingers. But you eat it with your hand. Your hand is curry. Oh God, I wouldair, that's the most Alistair thing you've ever said. Yeah. Yeah. And... Like that's... So you mean you really like it? It just feels like something from a tree house of horror episode or something on the Simpsons.

Oh. Yeah. No, but I think maybe it'd make a great comic. or something on the Simpsons. Oh, yeah. No, but I think maybe to make a great comic. I don't think there are any foods in which you eat one thing, but then your hand is food. There's no quiz, there's no room in the food world for a thing where your hand is the food.

Well, how about this idea? But you think your eating is your hand. Because that's what's crazy is where your hand is the food. Well, how about this idea? But you think your hand is crazy. Because that's what's crazy, is that your hand is meat. Right, your hand is meat and bone, obviously. And that's obviously, that's gonna be fine. That could survive without you. That's good. Right, but the meat part.

We'll be fine. I'm a bone, by the way. I wait on it, you know what, we'll be fine. All right, I by the way. I wait on it, we'll be fine. All right, I'm a bone. We don't have any of this. I'm only trying to help you out here, but I don't need any of this. I'm the meat and I definitely need you.

Okay, that's some good role play. We really learn a lot from very, very rustic. Very rustic. Very rustic, I love this show. And so that, so how about this? It's a meal where your hand soaks in this kind of marinade while you eat some other thing with a straw or whatever. You're just kind of sucking up some stuff with a straw.

And, um, and then eventually you take your hand out of the marinade and the marinade is cooked. It's like that lime marinade. It's cooked your hand it sort of pickled. It's pickled it and then you eat your hand. You know what I hate this idea. I know but it was I don't think the chef would be seen as a genius and if you don't eat your hand no one will say that about them. And if you don't eat your hand no one will say that about them. Yeah. What don't eat your hand, no one will say that about them. Yeah. What? The chef would be considered a genius if you ate your hand after you soaked it in that

marinade. But if you don't eat your hand, then no one's going to say that they're a genius because they're like, well, it's an impractical thing. And so you are making this selfish decision to not eat your hand to prevent this chef from getting called getting called what he's wanted to be called his whole life. You're aren't a genius. You're right. That's why I got into cooking. And so it's a chef who either turns you into food or into a jerk, but either way, you leave the transformative experience. It's a transformative, and you leave the experience

different. That's what transformative means. Unless you transform from yourself into another version of yourself who's exactly the same. But it's still a transformation. Okay. Where was I? Oh, porn parodies of movie porn parodies?

Yeah, and then we got I've written the word breeding finger and then war is applied sports. Yep, and then also the people in the war have a top knot. Right, and a ladle. And a ladle. I think when when you're saying think when we're talking about that, I was thinking about samurai that have a ladle instead of a... Oh, that's quite good though.

Yeah. Big spoon. I think also the diving, the fake diving in soccer. Interesting to try and bring that into wall. Mm-hmm. Somebody pretends to have been shot, right? That's good. Well, they get shot a little bit, but then they act like they've been shot

heaps. Yeah. And then the enemy's coming over and being like, oh, you okay? And then sort of thing. And then they're rolling around on the ground, like clutching this stomach, even though it only grazed like the side of their waist or something, you know? Clutching their whole stomach. Yeah. So I'll still do it. Yeah. Anyway. That. Yeah, right. Clutching their whole stomach.

Yeah. So stupid. Anyway. That's great, Andy. Thanks so much for listening to the show. We really do appreciate it. You can find me on Twitter at Stupid Old Andy. You can find us on Twitter at 2 in Tank. I'm at Alistair TV. You can always continue to listen to the show if you want and not stop and you can

always get other people to listen to it as well and you can review it and you can donate to the Patreon if you want, but if not, you can always just keep being you and not worry about any of that stuff and just feel good. I'm going to put a link in the show notes to our show at the Comedy Festival which I haven't done up until this point. Great. And there's also a link down there for Alistair's new podcast. Thank you so much.

And for our merchandise. Oh yeah, you can get shirts and stuff. And clocks. And just remember, if you feel bad, a lot of the time is because you just haven't drunk enough water. That is the thing that Alistair has taught me and it's been transformative in my life. Right now I can use a glass, I'm going to go get one. I transformed, it was my, as a chef, I transformed him into a better version of him.

That's right. And we love you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. I mean, if you want, it's up to you. I mean, if you won't, it's up to you. This episode is brought to you by Progressive. Most of you aren't just listening right now. You're driving, cleaning, and even exercising. But what if you could be saving money by switching to Progressive?

Drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average, and auto customers qualify for an average of 7 discounts. Multitask right now. Quote today at Progressive.com. Progressive casualty and trans company and affiliates, National Average 12 Month Savings of $744 by New Customer Surveyed, who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential Savings will vary.

Discounts not available in all safe and situations. on our safe and situations.