Two In The Think Tank - 174 - "BALLS OF JUSTICE"

Episode Date: March 12, 2019

Wolfman Vanta Black, Vegan Deniability, Circum of Life, Catch 32, Teethpaste, BOJ, Slogan UnitOur Melbourne Comedy Festival show is for sale here: use the promo code TITTT for 20% off full price tickets (unfortunately this code isn't live until a couple of days from now, if it doesn't work, wait a bit then try it)Hey, why not listen to Al's new meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereBarrel aged thanks to George Matthews for producing Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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this podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Hi, um, Alistair. Yes, Andy. What's got you really excited about the upcoming show that we're doing at the comedy festival? You mean the show Magma, the engineering presentation slash sketch show? Magma exclamation mark. I convinced Alistair to let me put an exclamation mark at the end of the title. Only on the poster. It's not the official title. Only on the poster. What we're here to tell you is that for listeners there will be a 20% off deal. Listeners of this podcast, by the way.

Yeah, but people who also just listen to each other. Yeah, and here somebody mentioning this special deal. Yeah, what is it, Andy? It's 20% off. Yeah, what do they have to do? They have to use the promo code, TIT. T-I-T-T-T. Yes, to get 20% off. It's the TIT. It's the two-in-the-thing tank 20-team.

Team, that's you guys. Yeah. Thank you so much for listening and the comedy festival goes from the 26th of March, 2019 to the 21st of April, 2019. And we are doing a show almost every single night of that festival. And we would love to see you there at the show Magma Exclamation Mark. Nay must see you there. Nay must. Andy is in financial trouble. This 20% discount is killing him.

And now one with the show. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Burtchell host of the two in the think tank podcasts and Fisher guided meditations. Oh yeah, that sounds new podcast. Can I still call it a new podcast? You can, it's only about three weeks old or maybe four. Maybe it's really a wee babe. It's not like this podcast where we're quite quickly hurtling towards this 200th episode where we're going to have to come up 200 skidish ideas. My God. Maybe in September? You realize how much we're gonna age over the course of that body. It's gonna cut, of course, that body. Course, that podcast. Because it's our bodies that will aid.

Well, I think that's what it is. I think our bodies, it'll be like people who do those ultra marathons and their bodies just start to shut down. We're gonna go into that as a presidential candidate, a Barack Obama. Yes. And we're gonna come out of, a Barack Obama. And we're gonna come out of that old man Obama. Like, you know, when he finished. Old man Obama.

Yeah, down by the river, old man Obama. Yeah, no, he's sitting there whittling his stick. The way that he aged, well, we're gonna do that over the 20 or 25 hours that it takes to do this. That's what two terms will do to you. Yeah, one block cast. But I'm gonna tell you that Xi Jinping,

not a gray hair on his head. Doesn't he have? I don't know how he keeps it together. And he abolished 10 year terms. You know the thing is, he's not going anyway. I know, but when you're as big as he is, you can afford to get somebody to dye your hair strand by strand.

Because I mean, if you dye your whole hair black, very noticeable. People can just tell. But if you just dye the gray hair's black, people will go, oh, there's a few hairs that are extra wiring. Or extra black, and nobody's ever sussed of the extra black hairs. Yeah, but because it'll contrast with some of the other hairs, it'll look like texture. It'll actually make you look like a cooler person,

because it'll be like looking at a beautiful tree in the autumn. Maybe I'll get my hair dyed that ultra black color that they invented. This is just blacker than black. Vanta black. Vanta black. That'd be cool.

Yeah, it just sucks in all light. Peers just like a void in space. That's what I want on my head. Then people could shoot lasers at your head all day long and nothing would bounce off. That's all I ask for. I mean a sniper wouldn't know where they're shooting. That's right.

That's a really good idea. I mean, if you could grow hair all over your face like the Wolfman. Assuming they'd made a vow to themselves to only ever shoot people in their hair, I'd be fine. I mean, but if you dyed your beard like that, and eyebrows, they could only get you if they shot right through your eyeball or something like that.

I mean, if you were the Wolfman, if you'd have brought up the Wolfman before. Yeah, sometimes I just say a word that I was thinking about, and I hope that later on I can use it. Yeah, or in the hopes that I'll be listening. And what a futile hope that is now, Lister. I don't need to help. Andy, do you think the idea of covering this is for, you know,

war-torn countries where you start shaving in such a way so that you start getting the wolf man thing. That's when, you know, so first of all, I mean, it's a multiple layer thing. Oh, I'm already on board. But what involves it first is, you know, those hairs that are sort of at the top of where you shave. And you go, oh, I got, I can't, sometimes you're almost like, I can't shave that one because I feel like if I shave that one, it's gonna turn into a beard hair. Well, there'll be another one up above that will now start to grow and become part of the line

and then the line will keep going up until your eyelids. Beard Crete. It's beard Crete, exactly. But this, in this scenario, the government, or this rebel group encourage everyone in their group to actively seek out beard creep. But also not only beard creep,

but hairline creep and brow creep. And I don't know, brow creeps. I don't know, brow creeps, the thing. No, yeah, you know, it's like you can get like mono-brow. If you started shaving that middle bit, it's like you get like mono brow. If you started shaving that middle bits, it's like getting real nice and thick. Yeah. I already feel like mine is pretty thick.

I think it's just a question of shade, like the color of that midsection. If that was darker in color at all, I would absolutely have a mono brow. Well, I plucked it when I was in high school. And at some point, I just never had, didn't have to anymore. Because I think at some point, you plucked your mono brow. Yeah, I was getting some school. And at some point, I just never did have to anymore. Because I think at some point,

you plucked your monobrow. Yeah, I was getting some serious kind of monobrow. Even to the point where my dad was like, you gotta deal with that. Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah.

I think it's just not socially acceptable to have a monobrow. Yeah, but normally you don't get pressure about that kind of stuff from your dad. No, but he's protecting me. So that didn't get pressure from other people. See, that's how you know your parents love you. He was stepping between you and a bullet.

That's right. And the bullet was the shame. Yeah, well, that's right. But, and you're shooting you with a smaller bullet. But that wouldn't. A dad bullet. Yeah, but that wouldn't have been necessary if I had had hair all over my butt.

What he really did is remove the possibility of me being able to grow hair all over my butt. What he really did is remove the possibility of me being able to grow hair all over my face, dye it with Vanta Black, and then not be able to shot, be shot with a sniper's bullet. Because you appear like a void in space. Exactly. Or his scope will never be able to put the laser on me, and he won't look to see if the crosshair.

I mean, he won't be able to see the crosshair because that'll just look black. It'll be lost in the black. That's right, he'll need a white crosshair, which I hope doesn't exist. Look, Elastair, if you want to write this down as a sketch, I'm not going to stand in your way. I'm not going to come between you and this being a sketch.

Wolfman Van Vanta Black technique. Andy. Wolfman Van Vanta Black. I mean, if we were the kind of podcast that suggests band names to people's brothers, we would be in a hot mess right now. Yeah. Wolfman, Vanta Black, Andy Sniper, technique. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I mean, if we were suggesting, you know, album names for the first album, say, of a brother's band, anti-sniper technique. Far out. But, you know. Well, maybe that's for some other podcast. Maybe some other podcast. Yeah.

You know, where their brothers have unnamed bands and the members aren't doing poorly financially. Oh, that's not us. Um. Oh, I had something else I wanted to talk about. That's not us. That's not us. That's not us. That's not us. That's not us. That's not us. That's not us. Um, I had something else I wanted to talk about. Was it about having a single income household?

Um, no. No. No. No, no, no. I think it was something about here on your body growing. God, I was down. I had the worst food poisoning yesterday. You know all about this already, but I want to tell the listeners.

But what I knew, the one I, the food poisoning I know the worst food poisoning yesterday. You know all about this already, but I want to tell the listeners. But the one I, the food poisoning I know the most about was the one from the day before. All right, well, I mean, this was, this was I presumed the same food poisoning, but one that had just rolled into a second day, because for whatever reason, they weren't able to reach a conclusion. Yeah, and it was play.

You actually ate quite a, like a, was that sort of a spoiled carrot? No, I liked it. No, I liked to think of myself as a vegan. Yeah. But on this occasion, I ate prawns. But it was a vegan prawn. And well, no.

But if, but if it was, what I'd done is I'd had them crumb the prawn. So it was totally surrounded by crumbs, vegetable matter, so that I could have plausible deniability that I didn't know what was within the crumbs. I heard that the prawn had been in a vegetable state before they cut the vegetable state. And so that makes it okay. Can we do this? Can we open a restaurant that's called vegan deniability? Right.

Where all our meat is hidden so well inside vegetables. That's really good. That you won't know. It's actually, they use techniques stolen from Mexican cartels, smuggling food, like smuggling drugs, and food into America. And so it's only like, sometimes one in 10 boxes will actually contain. Indeed.

Like, well, one in 10 stems of broccoli will actually contain, you know, like a, an inner lining of pork. But even, but there's even a psychology element too. I think when they used to have firing squads, right? There would be 10 men on the firing squad, but they would give one man a blank so that you could convince yourself

that you weren't responsible for the death. That's nice. And I'd say, I think it's exactly the same. Oh, that's a nice way to run a killing squad. Good. It's nice that they think about that kind of stuff, isn't it? Yeah. Like, as a lot of killing squads, don't take the time.

It's like a lot of killing squads don't care about people's feelings. But it's nice to see a moral killing squad. Yeah, okay, so you've got a vegan deniability the rest of them. Out of every 10 baked cauliflower's, nine of them full of ham. That's great. The 10 tenth one is all cauliflower.

I mean, you could especially do that with like a baked red cabbage, you know, because you could easily make, you could easily sort of, you know, shape leaves of ham. Leaves of ham. Oh, just the phrase leaves of ham. Oh, it's like autumn in here. Leaves and leaves a hand. Oh it's like autumn in here leaves and leaves of ham. You know that's a real like the ham is turning brown and falling to the ground. That's a very good song. No well you know all the park is great. Which is actually it's natural color. No wonder you got. What's the thing with hot dogs

and hot dogs were there like one of the reason is that hot dogs is that margarine like yeah one of the reasons that hot dogs I think maybe maybe even bacon caused cancer is because they do use a chemical to make it look pink because it's natural color,

this putrid gray. Putrid gray. Isn't putrid the best word, but also one that you don't normally wanna associate with food. Not normally, no. Not normally. But unless you're sick.

It sounds like if that's is. Yeah, but, and those two words would be perfect for that podcast that we're talking about that suggests band names to your brothers. Piotr'd Gray. Yeah. What a great podcast it sounds like. Is it, can we go anywhere else with vegan deniability?

Cause it feels like, I mean, you want to hide some meat in there. Great, but I mean, also, why are people going there so that they're not know that they're eating meat? Mm, I think that sums it up totally. Because they wanna eat meat. Yeah. That's why they're going there.

But they also don't wanna know. So they, I guess they can think, okay, so it's just so that you can satisfy your craving. Ignorance is bris. No, bris is that. I was brisket. Bris is cutting off the foreskin, right? Sure, yeah. Ignorance is bris.

I mean, they could eat the circumcised tips of animals. Penis. They sure could. Is there any other animal that circumcises itself? Oh, no. I mean, it feels other animal that circumcises itself? Oh, no. I mean, it feels like there could be a rat out there somewhere that sort of bites the tip off. Yeah.

Yeah. Almost certainly. That would be great. I mean, there must be a book somewhere out there like, you know, Circumcision in Nature. I hope so. You know, I mean, it feels like that's a real coup for a biologist, you know?

It's rarely you find a niche. You know, you find a good niche. You know, because I think there was that book that was like, you know, well, once somebody kind of started discovering that there was homosexuality in nature, this guy's getting a good book out of that, talking about a few examples. Look at that.

This person, now there's a book here that just needs a discovery to back it. You know what I mean? You know what I mean, right? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a discovery just waiting to be discovered. Yeah, exactly. It's a book that just needs to not be fiction to happen.

You know, and I think you could actually pre-write the whole thing. You know, it's not wrong, it's not false, it's just suffering from a bit of a reality deficit. Exactly. And I think you could actually write pretty much most of the book now, and just put sort of like a few empty spaces

or some black lines or like a few question marks in a row. Oh yeah. In the place of specifically what the creature is. But I think you could say this creature, you know, walks past, you know, these toads, these sort of like, you know, carnivorous toads. They always drag their sort of, their selves over them, their form over it,

and the toads that feed on the bacteria that is excreted always take a tiny bit of skin at the same time. I got lost in this and I just started to listen to it like it was fact. Yeah, so. And then over time by the time they're three, they actually have no foreskin left,

and that also frees them of the toads. Right. Anyway, so that's one, and that also frees them of the toads. Right. Anyway, so that's one. And then, but yeah, there are just some blank spaces where you leave the date and the name of the person who discovered it. Exactly. And then when that comes out in the media,

you can fill that in and update your book. Yeah. But it's a reality deficit. It's an existential... Yeah. Lally, all it suffers, yeah. I mean, look, I think what you could definitely do, because it's sometimes a book takes time anyway.

It's an existential impaired, the reality of this, an existential impaired. That's all. But yeah, you know, once reality catches up with whatever this is, right there. What I was going to say was that sometimes if you're just waiting for stories to actually happen, or if you're having to just look through endless biological papers and things like that, hoping that, you know, this actually is happening. That could take time. During that time, you could actually do about through the three-year degree it takes to become a biologist. Sure, right. In the meantime, you're

going to be exposed to a lot of animals anyway. And you can basically go backwards and see, okay, and you can basically go backwards and see, okay, how many animals do their slungs just dangle on the ground, right? And then how many of them walk through toad infested areas, things like that. And then you don't have to wait. You can go to those areas and just, you just need to see it once.

That's science. That's, you know, it's, well, it's the science of writing a book that's based on this little bit of fact. Right. You want to know, here's some cold hard evidence for you. First in best dressed. If you don't write the book down, someone else will write it. That's a fact. Right? Yeah. You know, you know, those advances, those big fat publishing advances for those science books, you know where the money's at. Okay, do you want that to go to you

or do you want that to go to John down there? I hear he's already writing, you know? Before he's even finished the thought. I heard that he's writing something based off of things that have already been observed. So he's got some, you know, he's got an edge right now. Yeah. You gotta start writing and you gotta start observing. You don't have to

on the way to your observation, you got to write. Yeah. And while you're leaving on the way home, right always be observing. Always be writing. Yeah. Observing what you're writing. This is the thing that I thought earlier in the podcast and I forgot to bring out. But when we were talking about Xi Jinping's hair, and look, you might actually have some gray hairs, I'm not sure. But the point is that there's a great role-dial short story, pre-short role-dial. He talks about being on a boat with a guy who every morning, when he would get up and

he would see this bloke sprinkling, like smelling salt or something on his shoulders. It's like, what is that guy doing? Doing this, doing this. And then like, he eventually, one day, he opens his briefcase and he sees that he has three weeks in there of different lengths. Right? And this guy is bald, but has been putting, he sort of cycles through these weeks of different lengths to make it look like his hair is growing and he sprinkles Stuff on his shoulders because no one

Would ever suspect that somebody with dandruff is bald That's really good I just love that so much and I want like I feel like that is a principle that we could absolutely apply in other areas of life. Right? Like nobody is going to suspect this thing if you pretend to have some of the negative consequences that come with it. Yeah. Right? And this is the problem with like, when people wear a wig, they don't wear, like, John Travolta when he had his wig. Because he definitely had a wig, right? Recently, he's just started shaving his head and he looks so good.

Yeah. His best he's looking, looking years. His best he's looking years. He just got like gray shaved head. I think he looks fantastic. He started looking too much like a Pharaoh or something like that. He was wearing like too much eye makeup

and his hair was jet black. It was, yeah, it was just, it was not good. He was really on that pharaoh trajectory. Yeah. Like, oh man. No, this is not good. You're gonna get one of those long sort of blue penis beards you've done for.

A couple of gold rings on there. Shape it all square at the bottom. But, yeah, and that's because people who get a wig like that, they never get like gray hair. Yeah. All right, oh, saying, just get a gray. Get a gray one. Gray hair, nothing wrong with that.

Nothing wrong with looking gray. Ah, I love to look gray. Worked for Gandalf. Mm. No one was ever like, oh, I hope Gandalf dies. His hair black or brown or something or blonde. You think a blonde Gandalf, would that have worked for you? Blond Gandalf, if he dyed his hair from gray to blonde.

Like those golden locks. It's only shows up in, like, right on, man. Shows up in book two and he's suddenly blonde and he doesn't mention it. Now all the hobbits are like Gandalf the golden now I want you to call me Gandalf the gold. Well, I've always had here like this. Why are you talking about? Yeah. No, I just fought another eagle. That was it. I just like went up again. Why would you think that white was the final state. And it's true.

Yeah. Yeah. I think we just haven't got old enough. Like elderly teeth. I think it was Pokemon. It was red, blue, I think. Maybe they had green. Then they did gold and silver.

Hmm. I mean, they had gray. He had white. He could have gone silver. Here's a thing for elderly, here's a thing for Magma, our show Magma. Yeah. I think we can get Al-Deleteath into that show. We're trying to get in the last show.

I know we're trying to get in the last show, but that's because that wasn't a show about speculative engineering. Yeah. Remember engineering's all about noticing patents, right? That's true. You notice you've got a third set of teeth. Third set of teeth, it's going to be one big single tooth that goes all the way around. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Okay. It's got to wait around for it long enough. That's a pattern. It's just, I think people, it's because people haven't lived beyond really 120, and that's when it really kicks in. I reckon.

But is it one, because you know how like we're already born with all our teeth, and so when you see it, you know, a baby skull. I had no ideas, it was the fact until recently, like two weeks ago, somebody posted a photograph of a baby's skull on the internet, cause this is just what you can see now,

the baby's skull. And they got all their teeth, all the teeth they're in there is like double decker, all the big adult teeth are just they're crammed behind the baby teeth. It looks fucked. I mean, that's, maybe. I wouldn't have thought that seeing a baby's skull

could be disturbing in any way. And yet. Yeah, well, I guess, and what's crazy is that they're big heads. We find that cute, but we didn't know that most of that bigness was... It's full of teeth. That's just teeth... That's teeth width. That's mostly teeth space, expands. I love you trying to find the right word for this.

Teeth-bigness. Yeah. It's just teeth big. That's teeth thick. I love you try to find the right word for this. Teeth-bigness. It's just teeth big. It's teeth thick. Teeth. Teeth size. Yeah, it's hard to do. It's teeth swell.

That's what it is. I got a lot of that teeth swell. Teeth weight. Yeah, teeth weight. But that would mean that in the skull skull, that might have to be... No, when boxes have to weigh in, they always try and like shave their hair off and stuff and sweat it out. They have a pull out teeth. They've pulled out a bit of that teeth weight. I didn't think that having teeth would be an advantage in boxing, right?

You just got something to lose. Yeah, but why? But then wouldn't you? What are you playing for? but why, but then wouldn't you? What are you playing for? What are you boxing for? Because I mean, you're, you know, you only boxing until you're like 35 or something like that. And then you got, you got another 70 years of chewing, well not a fewer boxer.

We got another 35 years, 20, 15 years of, you know, just eating soup or. No, well, you get some fake teeth. You get some fake teeth and use the rolled dial principle. You get some real terrible ones, snaggle tooth sort of thing. And then there's a couple of rotten ones and stuff. Oh, they go, that's clearly his own teeth because why would they be so bad? Yeah, I mean, we saw him on all those boxing matches, televised, we didn't have any teeth at all, but I assume these just came through.

Oh, you know, you probably still wear a teeth guard. You know what, all the stuff that was in your head as a baby that made the teeth, you know? The stuff that was in your head as a baby that made the teeth. So your body, okay, think about your body. I'm with you. Okay, now made the teeth. So your body. Yes. Okay, think about your body. I'm with you.

Okay. Now, there's a part of your body that was active when you were a baby that made all your teeth. No, but they were all, they grew in it. Like when I was in the womb, you mean? Yeah. Whenever, whenever the teeth were formed inside your head, something in your body. I believe teeth are formed at conception.

Yeah, right. Okay. Whatever the thing is that made them, that they, you know, it was active at that point, right? Teeth stem cells or whatever. But they go dormant after that. Yes, they go dormant. They just forget. Well, it doesn't forget.

It's just, it's just, it's just, it's, it's, it lays and waits. It forgets. It doesn't forget what I mean. this is the exact opposite of the point. Is that all you got to do is reactivate it. We just got to find what's the thing that turns it on. Remind it. Yeah, no, not remind it. It doesn't forget.

It lays dormant. It's like a bear, a hibernation. No. It's a, so, so we just got to find how to activate that. And then we can start forming new layers of teeth. Right? I mean, it's it's something that we could probably find in sharks that, you know, is the constivate constan active gene thing. Do you think you could get some kind of a spray or some kind of a paste then that you just smear on. Right? And it reminds your body to grow teeth, it's like teeth seeds.

All right, some sort of stem cell thing that comes in a gel and you squeeze it around there and that you gum, all right? And like, you know, like planting carrots or whatever, grows teeth. Yeah. I mean, the risk would be that you'd close your mouth and you'd get some of it on your tongue

or something and then you'd grow teeth on your tongue. Oh, well. And you'd be be like, oh no, try to wipe it off your tongue and then you grow teeth on your hand. I mean, that's the craziness there is that you're thinking that those things, whatever made the teeth, they're everywhere on the body. Well, I'm suggesting that the gel that we're squirting on. Turns into the teeth. Yeah, it's like, I'm talking, I'm talking, I'm talking, I'm using the body as a little of it. I know, I'm talking about, I guess, a funny idea.

Well, I don't know if that is funny or... No, you don't think that a gel that makes you grow teeth anywhere on your body is funny. Well, I wasn't picturing the person who's trying to grow teeth is not having any teeth. I think that they're growing teeth and then they can push out the ones you currently have, get some fresh ones. Oh, that is pretty good. Yeah. Chuchu.

Like, go down, do they make this nice? Like, shhuchu. And then you spit out all the... Spitting out all those teeth. Yeah, I mean, I picture them going out slowly and you could start collecting them and you could just get into the business of like human ivory. Mmm. You know what I mean? Yeah.

You follow in this, right? Man ivory, the greatest ivory of all. Yeah. Mm. You know what I mean? Yeah. You follow in this, right? Man ivory, the greatest ivory of all. Yeah. Man. You actually could make it like a piano with small human teeth keys. Oh yeah. I mean, has anyone ever done that?

Human teeth keys? Yeah. No. No. No. You don't think there's one psycho along the way. There's always a psycho, isn't it? There's always one.

Yeah. It's like that thing of the first rule of the internet that there's a pornographic, pornographic, everything. There's a pornographic. There's a pornographic. I'll replay it in the show on the pornographic. Well, same, and that same rule applies to anything you can think of. Some psychopathic guitar has done it at some.

Yeah, or any body part, some psychopath has made a musical instrument out of it at some point. A psychograph feels like you could definitely with a bunch of noses. You could make a good resonance chamber. A bunch of noses. Yeah, just get yourself a bunch of noses. You've got a bunch of noses. you could make a good resonance chamber. A bunch of noses. Just get yourself a bunch of noses. Just get a bunch of noses. Just lassos and noses. Yeah, and get them a bunch.

And then that would be a great thing for like the top of a string instrument or something like that. Yeah, sure. Or you could have them laying down there, right? And then you have a little, make yourself a little marimba. You just put a little bar across the top of each nostril. Sure. Boom, boom, boom, boom. boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,

That's good. Could you draw out this cartilage in here? Yeah. You draw out that cartilage. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, That would really resonate with that nice, stripper cartilage down the middle. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, the nose and get a note. This is a whole new nose. It's one of your best impersonations. I defile it.

I defile it. I defile anyone out there to do a better impersonation of somebody blowing over the top of a bottle, an Alistair Trombley virtual. There's a lot that I won't of a bottle in Alistair Trombley, virtual. There's a lot that I won't back you up on Alistair. I appreciate that way, my teeth growing thing. Yeah, your teeth growing thing, but, you know, this one, you're the best, you're the best, Al.

Rule 32, but for dictators, no, but for psychos. Yeah, but also, I said the word psychograph earlier, and I'm not saying there's a sketch in this, but I am saying there's a science thing in it. Like if somebody, if some science or some bullshit religion, say, you know, hasn't come up with something called the psychograph as a way to like measure people's mental state

or something. Sure, yeah. I mean, I don't wanna know, no, no, Inspector, you know who you are, and you're associated with the Saint John Travolta, who we mentioned earlier in the program. Oh, the wig makers. The wig makers.

The wig makers, the wig win. The Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, the wig van. Lord's wig van. Lord wig van. Call back to episode one, maybe. Lord wig van Beethoven. Oh, to joy she She is my sister.

Her name is joy. I drive a week. And still probably the best episode of the podcast. Still, we appreciate you all sticking around. See what we do. It's things were simpler, Andy. We didn't have the, we didn't all sticking around. Yes, thanks a lot. Same way, do it. Things were simpler, Andy. We didn't have the... We didn't have... We lived in a warehouse.

What did it cost us? $400 a month? Oh, man. $400 a month. My rent is literally at least five times that now. We had one very thin wall between us, and then one very short flight of steps to the podcasting booth. There were no barriers, and still we didn't do the podcasting booth, there were no barriers. And still we didn't do the podcast for about three years.

Yeah, but while we were doing it, we were doing two episodes a week. When we were doing it, yeah, when we started out, that was crazy. I mean, we could just still do that if we wanted, but it'd be real hard. It'd be very sad. You know? Last month, yeah. All right, let's focus on the pod. All right, look, let's talk about your gel. It grows teeth. Yeah, well, you know, I can't.

I'm going to talk about your funny gel. Thanks, man. Yeah, let's talk about your funny gel. Well, I, you know, it's got stem cells, teeth stem cells. Sure. So, you know, stem cells aren't because I mean, this is the that this is the new frontier for toothpaste, isn't it? Right because they all they all promise you Fresh smelling breath. Yeah Visibly visibly whiter tick me neither Visibly whiter tick you don't have any smell sensors in your ears two weeks or whatever. Yeah and

they promise you like an animal, stronger or an animal protected. Protected and pluck fights the causes of pluck. Fights the causes of poverty. Yeah. You know, make poverty history. Make, don't call. Well, like, you know, an animal poverty. Oh, sure.

The 1% right? Mm. And, but what it doesn't do is promise you new teeth. So it's going to grow a new teeth. And that's where they got to go with this. Well, that's where the gap in the market is. Yeah, literally the gap in the gap in your teeth. Yeah.

And it's... Are you start growing teeth in the gaps between your teeth? Well, if you've lost a tooth, there's a gap. No, that's true. So I think that Colgate, if they can get this to market first, man, they're going to, they already got to imagine being RLB. You got to feel bad. You'd feel so shit.

They already feel bad, I reckon, because Colgate, they're 90% of the toothpaste market. They're the Pepsi of the toothpaste market. Oral B is. Oral B. Yeah, yeah. And I should call it RLA. It was a huge rent. Yeah, I mean, they did well.

At least they didn't call it oral B. Yeah, you're right. At least there's one A in there. Right? I mean, although it would have been a, it would have been an improvement if they'd call it, Braille B. Sure. I would have brought up the ranks in the alphabetical order, Braille B.

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On the thing. Yeah, so I think if cold gate can get the one that seeds new teeth. Yeah, I mean, that's the fleck to Mars of the cold of the toothpaste world. It's the holy ground. But I mean, the thing is, is that you got to stop the teeth, you got to stop the, because I I mean what a toothpaste would have to do

Mm-hmm is it would have to actually activate those dormant Those dormant that dormant machinery in there because you can't just have it grow teeth because took toothpaste goes everywhere in your mouth Well, that's the that's the joke I suppose Don't get it anywhere else. Don't get it anywhere else. I love it. God. I mean, you can't get it from brawl, brawl B. Really don't swallow it. Don't really don't swallow it. Oh my god. Just, just, just, just, just, all the way down your throat. All the way down your throat. I mean, it would reduce the amount you needed to chew, but I reckon you would feel awful on the inside. Terrible. Just feel like right now, you never think about how comfortable you are based on how there's

no lumps of hard calcium in your esophagus or your food hole. To think what none of the things been. Right, because you're constantly in a state, but the one time you try and swallow like a paracetamol tabular or something like that, and it doesn't just go all the way down, and you just feel it kinda like you go, this is the most uncomfortable thing I've ever experienced. You're right, and that's what it would be like

to have teeth all down your throat, but like infinitely worse. Probably wouldn't chew either, because there's no jaw there, so it just a lot. There's still peristalsus, you know. There's still like sort of like squeezing and contracting. I wonder if it's enough. I wonder if it's enough to sort of...

Constitu-t chewing. Yeah, or to like allow steak to pass through. Everybody who had to move to soup, get lots of teeth in your mouth. And then what's the point of the teeth? What's the point of the teeth? They're all moving to soup anyway. What have we gained?

Anyway, it could be some comedy in that. Another thing about toothpaste, is that like if you squeeze it out, right, it kind of looks like a tooth. So if you did have it, if you were missing a tooth, you could probably squeeze out some toothpaste into the gap. And then if you didn't close your mouth, I'll move too much.

It would look like you just had a tooth there. All right, you could make yourself a tooth-fait tooth. And then if you had, say, an important photograph coming up, you know how when you have an important photograph coming up, you just squeeze some in and then you go to the photograph. Yeah. And you get the photograph taken. Yeah. And nobody, nobody's back to an eyelid because I just look.

But you make it a brown tooth so that nobody thinks that you would put in a fake tooth. A fake brown tooth must be as real tooth. Why would you put a fake looking tooth? So the most disgusting tooth I've ever seen must be real. It's black and green and sort of look like it had a hole that was dripping. Oh, it looks like he's got maggots in his mouth. That must be his maggots because why would he put maggots from the girl like I sort of a dirty bin in his mouth? Oh, yuck.

Are they all moving and things like that? Maybe it's just his tongue is sort of festored in some way, because why would he put sort of a big mouthful of fly larva in there? Full head of teeth. No one ever says that, do they? Full head of teeth. But it seems more accurate than a full head of hair, right? Because it's not a full head of hair, it's a covered head of hair. But it's a full head of teeth. Yeah, I mean. Thank you. I'll be here a week.

I want to get in the plane. I want to get in the plane. I want to get in the plane. Best comedians, dumbest bits. George Carlin, I want to get in the plane, not on the plane. I think, yeah, I think then, then, Mitch Hedbergs and Bill Bailey's ones are the, I graded, how do you wash a cheese grater? How do you wash a cheese grater with a sponge?

Because then you end up actually grading the sponge. Oh, yeah. Both of them did that same bit. What's his name also has that bit, James A. Kester? Does he? Yeah, pretty sure. Do they both make the joke that you can, you could like melt it easily over cheese?

I mean over chips or something like that. So it kind of looks like cheese. Anyway, look, it's not that it's this worst bit. I'm sure. No, I mean, I actually think it's a very good joke. I really love that observation. Yeah, but it's probably, in my privileged life. One of love that observation. Yeah, but it probably, you know, in my privileged life.

One of the biggest problems. One of the biggest problems and my defining truth, my struggle. I would say that the solution, the solution is so obvious that to suggest otherwise. What is the obvious solution? That you don't wash in the direction that you would grab. No, but they're talking about the other side of the cheese crater, right? They're talking about that side that's got those pointy little... Well, now you've brought in James A. Caster and he talks about that. Oh, is that his bit? Is it? Right. Yeah, but the other guys don't talk about that part.

No, remember, James A. Caster's part bit was that nobody talks about that side of the greater. Oh, see. Okay. I've forgotten this already. I'm sorry, James, for bringing you into this. Thanks. By the way, thanks for listening, Mr. James A. Caster.

Mr. James A. Caster said we really enjoyed it. We know that you're two years younger than us and a lot more successful and we just really appreciate you listening to our podcast, sir. Yeah. Mr. Mr. I cast a sir. You might remember me.

I think I introduced myself once. I'm a Pat's friend. Anyway, it was nice meeting you. And I went on before you at a gig one time and you were really, really funny. You did great. And I was just happy that I didn't bomb completely. And you know what, other than that, I'm just so glad to see you get the success

that you've been doing. Oh, absolutely, that you deserve. And I completely, I actually absolutely believe that it deserves. It's so nice to see somebody who's genuinely funny. And who writes incredible jokes. Yeah. Anyway, this is sounding a bit sick of anecdote.

You can't. I mean, no, I'm talking to James. Oh, no, no, no, don't try to. I'm trying to. No, I was trying to take the edge off his... Oh, because he means, yeah, right. You know, make our compliments seem more genuine if it seems like we don't like him.

Yeah, yeah. Because I know that I only appreciate the opinions of people that I don't like, or I'm not friends with. Yeah, or people like truly respect, but we're not in any way suggesting it. No, no, we're saying we're beneath you. So I think in many ways it's important to us enter the compliment that you see as beneath you and don't like this compliment at all.

Don't value it at all. Yeah, yeah. And that would add so much more value to the compliment. All I need is for this not to be valued. No, Andy, don't yet. No, no, no, that's okay. Roll doll. Yes.

Was his name, was his first name Ronald, and he just removed the end? Chopped the end. I think you might be right. Really? end. I think you might be right. Really? Yeah, I think you might be right. Rolled out, yeah. I mean, I could look it up.

Do you want me to look it up? Well, if you can. We never look anything up on the podcast, but I got a computer right here and I got the internet right there on the computer. Why are we coming up with sketch ideas? We can just be watching sketches the whole time. Yeah, we could describe them to you.

It could be an audio digest of great sketches. Oh, we could tell. We watch one sketch every episode and then we explain it in detail for 40 minutes. Rolled dial, born in Wales. It doesn't say anything about his name actually being. Ronald. Ronald. but if you

control that does say oh he was named after Polo explorer Rolde at Amidsen was that guy did that guy just jump in there or I'm gonna fight that if his name was really Ronald no no doesn't say that he's from the heroic age of Antarctic exploration no well he's it's so much better than the current cowardly age of Antarctic exploration. No, well he's a... And so much better than the current cowardly age of Antarctic exploration. Well, now it's kind of just recreational. Recreational exploration. Yeah.

Rec exploration. I don't think the government like whatever reward you for exploring these days. Whereas back in the day, it feels like you get rewarded. Yeah, but also you had a lot of the time you had to raise your own funding and like various different famous people would chip in and they'd get things named after them. There's a bunch of islands in Antarctica that are named after various people who funded expeditions.

Really? Yeah, like shackelton's expeditions and that sort of thing. Yeah, all right. eventually we change their names. Like, do you think kind of like once you decolonize a place, I guess it's going to be a while before Antarctica gets decolonized, isn't it? I think and it pretty soon will be the only place that's habitable actually and will be well, you know. We'll see about that. We will.

We'll see about whether there's any places. I think it's still going to be a bit of a... It's still going to be a bit of all. Still going to be dark half the years. No, no, no. Good luck getting your vines to grow. Yeah. Your precious vines. Yeah, but we could just get some dry vines and bring them with us and then just eat them.

Eat them vines. Do you think that we could have, I think, can we declare things undiscovered? Can we undiscover a few things so that they're open for discovery again? Like, can we just say, all right, the South Pole is undiscovered. Now and then people can race to discover it. Okay, that's nice. Again. But then there's like some people that are quite close to do they get given a handicap.

Yeah. Yeah, great. Yeah, they lose a leg. Okay. But couldn't we just like, you know, tie a sort of a four-wheel drive to their leg and put a guy in a gun with a gun in that thing? In the four-wheel drive. In the four-wheel drive to start, you know, so they don't get in the, just to get in

the four-wheel drive. Ah, because that would be my first thought. I'll get in that four-wheel drive, but you put a guy with a gun in it forward drive. In the forward drive to start, you know, so they don't get in the, just to get in the forward drive. Ah, because that would be my first thought. I'll get in that forward drive, but you put a guy by the gun in it. Yeah, and then to stop that guy, the guy with the gun from discovering it. Or forming a bond with the person who's tied to the thing and working together. Yeah, you put a guy in a big metal sort of circle sphere, with just an eye slit and and then two gun holes. And then one point of each guy, six months food, six months food, and a hundred thousand dollars if he doesn't make any friends

Wait, where's this bowl? It's in the tray of the fall drive Oh, okay, right. I was just on the ice. And then he got a shot. He's going to be right inside this ball trying to keep up while still pointing his guns at all the foods going to be falling around and so that also he's got six months of food. No toilet. Yeah, well, no, you can do just a, there's just like, you know, he's got a seat in there. So they've been sit,

so you can sit up and look through the hole, like that, and the seat lifts up, and you can just poop into the pipe, and it just falls onto the floor. It just goes through down, onto the tray of the floor. It's not to the tray of the floor. Which in the frozen area,

like that'll just get frozen quickly in the back area and won't survive. You know, we talk a lot about keeping the bastards on us in Australian politics, but I think we can all agree that the only thing that can keep the bastards on us is a man in a spear. A big metal spear. A big metal spear with an ice, let two gun holes.

And six months of food at $100,000, if he doesn't make any friends. As the one man who can't be bought. Because he's already got everything. There's nothing you can give him. Well, I mean, if we swapped out the whole police force for that, you know, so they're not working together trying to save each other always, you know, trying to like, oh, you do a bad thing and I'll say you didn't do it.

They're kind of sister. You know, if that wasn't, if it was just all independent people with a big metal sphere and some gun holes and $100,000 if they don't make any friends. Because the only person that's a society can trust is a man with no friends. And two gun holes. Who shits through a pipe onto the trailer? A forward drive. We'll make, we'll call this show, Balls of Justice. Right? Yep.

Perfect. And it's, you know, when, when lawlessness rules the streets. Balls, you're last hope. Balls of justice. Balls of justice. All right, I'll write balls of justice. That takes away from the undiscovered things again. Yeah, that's okay. It just seems like once something's discovered,

it's crazy that it never gets to get discovered again. Yeah, it's a bit sad. Like forever? Yeah. I mean, a new species can come along and wipe us out, and then they can read, and everything gets to be rediscovered again. Yeah, but I mean, they'd have to go to a lot of places to wipe us all out.

I mean, they'd probably see a lot of the places in the process of And kind of ruin it. Yeah Oh, and we kind of just kind of saw this when we were wiping them out. Maybe they could kill us all with a big gas gas or a disease That'd be good if you're a disease Oh one that's not too painless though. Not too painless.

Yeah for us. Yeah one that mostly attacks the face. Mmm. Yeah why? No because that would be bad. You said not too painless. Yeah. Meaning that you want it to be painful right?

No no no. Oh I'm just an idiot. Oh okay. I mean not too painful.. I meant not too much. Yeah, I mean, not too painful. Then I was gonna say, yeah, and it doesn't attack the face, right? But you said not too painless,

and then I said, I had to flip my position. It made me sound like I was making less sense, but I was just trying to. You were, like two corrupt cops, we were just trying to back each other up. Absolutely, you were like Miles Davis, and I played a bung note, and you didn't even notice. You didn't even bat an eyelid.

You integrated that note into your solo. Yeah. See, opposite of James Brown, he would have found you $200. Really? Pretty sure. Yeah, I don't think he was a nice guy. James Brown? Yeah.

I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. Was it some of that stuff he did? Yeah, I'm like, I'm, I'm, I'm, look, if I'm just going to base it entirely off of his actions, then yeah, I'm going to say no. But, but, but who he was deep down, he might have been a really great guy. That's true.

Um, we got into it. I think the balls of justice. Yeah. I'm just trying to find, was it the last day on Earth? What was that one where an alien robot comes to Earth? And they're basically come from our sort of galactic society, have decided to all team up and chip in and create these sort of ultra powerful robot species that come to your planet and basically police you. And if you're violent towards each other, they kill you.

Kill all of you? I'm not sure exactly. But I think they probably kill at least the people who are being violent. Yeah, yeah, right. And that I don't know this story at all. It's quite an old movie, but The day the earth stood still maybe could be the day the earth stood still. That's a movie. I can't remember last Yeah, maybe that one, it doesn't feel like it's that one, but Anyway, but Since in the absence of being able to create a robot that can stop us being violent We can create metal spheres and we do have access to six months worth of food

And a hundred thousand dollars and two guns and we could just do that like that So they're just there to stop violence. Yes, if they have if they do they themselves start Doing violent things. Yeah, We plug up their poo hole. I think we could do that. That's a really good. That's a simple thing. I was suggesting a big machine. I think it's the ultimate. I think it was suggesting a big machine that comes and just stamps them and stamps them flat. Oh wow. Stamps on the bowls. Yeah. And the natural enemy of the bowl. And that could be just one of those per town. Mm-hmm. Just one stamper.

Yeah, okay. But I've got to ask you the old age-old question, who stamps the stamper? Well, that's simple. And the back of the stamping machine, there's a guy in a ball. And he's got a gun pointed at him. And then he's got the other gun pointed at the sky.

Yeah. Threatening God. Mm-hmm. And he's got a third gun that he's using the hot barrel off to cook an egg off of. Oh, is that thing that they do? Well, why wouldn't you? Shoot enough. What a waste of heat to not cook anything.

It's going to get, if you're shooting a lot, if you lot if he's got a shoot lot's gonna get pretty hot in that ball But that's fun. Yeah, well, that's okay these days. It likes the warmth That's why he took this job. I like the warmth. I like the warm. I like to be warm That's what I'm in this ball. You don't get a job trapped in a metal ball if you don't like to be warm I mean that's a given Hmm, you know when people say I'd love to go and live somewhere warm. They're very rarely a meaning inside a metal ball. But I think that meets all their criteria.

It does, exactly. Now that you show them that that's an option, you know, a lot of people grew up, they didn't think that working in an entertainment was an option. Yeah. You know, I was like that. You just didn't really like that. Exactly.

It wasn't it wasn't part of my family's history. Motsy. Motsy. My family's Motsy. Yeah. No, my grandfather did a bit of theater. Oh really? Yeah. Oh, it is. Part of your... He played the harmonica real good. Oh, and there was that happy and sad mask on your family crest. There was. It's true. Yeah. on your family crest. There was, that's true. And my grandmother went to the movies. Really? On your parents are an old style,

a vaudeville couple that are. Yeah, I was brought up in the theater. Oh yeah. Yeah, I was on stage from the age of two. And your two brothers are a three piece band. Yet you actually can't grow up still. And what we weren't lying when we said There's a three piece bed. Yet you actually can't grow up still. And what we weren't lying when we said that you didn't even think you could go into entertainment.

You just didn't know. Didn't know it didn't know it. It was an option for me. You don't take in information through your senses. That's right. You can't stop from the world. That was the thing, your parents raised you to work everything out from first principles. And so you go 0, 1, 0, 1, 1, 0,

and you go 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 1, 0, 1, 1. First principles that mean binary, does it? Well, that's how you start. And then from that, you create the numbers. Then you create one, two, three, four, based off of the binary. Then you create A, B, C, D, E, F, G. Things like that.

You create apostrophes and stuff. Eventually you create language. Now, Elisay, I'm sorry to change the subject. It was really on a path to something. But I think I came up with a mathematical theory, while I was waking up in a fever from my food poisoning. Okay. Right?

Yeah. And tell me, and maybe this is too much, it's going to be too much explaining to get into on the podcast. It's going to sound really stupid. Andy, it would be be too much explaining to get into on the podcast. It's gonna sound really stupid. And it would be stupid if you didn't say it on the podcast. Okay, so you know the numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, etc. Mm-hmm. You're aware of this?

Yeah, you. Now, okay, in our show Magma, we have this bit where we're talking about the number of flies that are on a piece of meat. Yeah. Right? So on the first day, just go with me on the first day, this one, on the second day, this two, on the third day, this. So on the first day, just go with me. On the first day, there's one. On the second day, there's two.

On the third day, there's three. On the fourth day, there's four. Right. And if you ask me, what's the pattern there? Right. I say it doubles. Okay. Right.

No, it doesn't double. I know it does double, but I'm going with you. Right. But I say, well, no, it does double. I wasn't talking about the number double. I was talking about the average doubles. Right. Oh, God. I'm literally repeating this for the first time since I thought about while I was had woken up from literally vomiting and shitting myself. So, you know, it's not the best. Andy, a lot of the best ideas have come from, you know, while you're doing monotonous things. Is it true, right? Tell me this. Is it true that every subsequent number comes from doubling the weighted average of all the

previous numbers, right? So, one, the number one, the next number is two. Okay, so one, that's our number. The weighted average of that is one, double it, that's two. Right, now, one and two, okay. The weighted average is 1.5. Double it, that's three. Okay, one, two, and three, that's six. Okay. And then the weighted average of that

six divided by the number of numbers that there have been, which is three. Six divided by three is two. Double that. That's four. The next number is four. Is this, does this go all the way? Does this go all the way to the top? Well, we wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What about five? One, two, three, four. Okay. Add all of those together, you get 10. You divide that by four, you get 2.5, you double it, you get five. Mm-hmm. That seems correct.

Does this go all the way to the top? Does this go all the way to the top? Is this a math thing? Seems crazy if that's how math, I mean, maybe it's totally meaningless, like maybe it's one of those things that's trivial. They say, oh, well, that's trivial. Where it's like, oh, no, that's obvious. That's just how things are.

Andy, they would say that. They would say that. And then in 150 years, they go, what's the most? We just found an application for that. I mean, I think there is an application for it. And the application is finding what the next number is. Oh, yeah. Unfortunately, there's already a simple, much simpler way to work out what the next number is. Not always. What about infinity? What about the next number? I just found a way to find the next number after infinity. Is that

what you're telling me? So what's all we need to do is do a weighted average. Okay, so at all the numbers are infinity. And then it's equal to infinity. And then you just divide that by infinity. Divide by infinity, which is equal to one. You multiply it by two. It's two. Two. The next number is two.

After infinity is two. That's crazy. Yeah. So infinity might be equal to one. After infinity, that's crazy. Yeah. So infinity might be equal to one. I mean, I just said there was no application for this. Yeah. And already we've blown mass wide over.

We've actually just proven that zero is the number before infinity. So it basically just starts up again. It starts up again, it goes around. Yeah, it just goes up again. It just goes around. Actually, yeah, you never get to infinity. You get to 1 before infinity and it goes to 0. And then the next one is 1. And then it's 2, et cetera.

Anyway, I didn't think we would get a Nobel Prize in this episode, but well, there is no Nobel Prize for maths, is that? I didn't think, I didn't think. I didn't think we'd get a Turner Prize. Turner Prize. What's the Turner Prize? That's for art. Yeah, right.

But that's not bad. That's not bad money, the Turner Prize. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's like $100,000. Maybe £100,000, maybe the $100,000 maybe turn a price. I mean this one. Who had money, some like got it one year for a room where you go in the light switch on and off.

You know what? And I said, what's this? And he said, can't tell you, except that it's the lights turning on and off. $100,000 he got. Well, I mean this was the portrait of a theory. Portrait of a theory. As a young man. As a theory's a young man.

All right, we got a bunch of ideas, and then we got to go to three words. Okay. We got three words from a Patreon supporter who's the donated at least $3, which allows you to get the Kings ear. We can suggest three words. Here's the three words from Eurling, which already is my favorite first name, and I've

been considering naming a child. Great. One of you also, just a child. I mean, I think it's on, I would, I feel bad for all the children I can't name, and there's definitely one of the children that I may not ever get to name called earling. All the children I never was able to name. Erling is a beautiful name. Yeah, Erling, look, it could be Rannestad. Rannest, Rannestad, Rannest, oh my god, I forgot. I was like, I'll remember it. You wrote it down in the tiniest little bit of space

next to the edge of the paper. Erling could be rainstead. Rainstead, Rann astad, and I apologize. Erling, thank you. Erling, thank you. Thank you so much for supporting us on Patreon. That's a very kind and beautiful thing that you do right there. Yes.

And he's given us three words. Yeah, are you ready? Yes. All right. Olympic. Mm-hmm. Sketch. Yeah.

Glove. Olympic sketch glove. Olympic sketch glove. I mean, we've got to come up with a sketch anyway. So I mean, I feel like sketch is always the sort of the unwritten fourth word. Yeah, I know, but it could be a drawing. It could be another meaning of the word sketch. That's right.

You know sketchy, when something is kind of, it's feeling a bit dangerous. It's a bit sketchy, sketchy neighborhood, sketchy, you know, bunch of sketchy bridge. Sketchy bridge. You know? What is the, you know, in our society, the um, the sort of equivalent of that rickety rope bridge over a sort of deep ravine and river at the bottom?

You know, that one that you see some people sort of for some reason, and sort of South America drive across for some reason or whatever, and then it always breaks on one end and then it falls and you know. Swings, but you just, you hang on to one of the railings or maybe the rope. I'd probably, I'd hang on to the rope, I think, rather than the railing. Maybe I'd have one hand on both,

just in tests that's, you know, a while I'm falling, test the rigidity of both. So I think it would be... It's gonna be hard to test the rigidity of both as you're falling, because you're falling, presumably at the same rate as the thing. I don't think you're gonna be able to get the pressure that you want to really, especially because when you smash into that far side of the ravine,

the pressure that you apply in stopping, like the deceleration force, is going to be so much greater than anything you could have applied. Sure, but what about your legs to slow you down? You know? Yeah, all right. You use your legs to sort of slow you down to ease that crash there. Yeah. The little crumple zone scenario. Yeah. I mean, that would be a really sensible thing to do. But I wonder if you're going to have time to get into the position to do that. If

you've spent the whole fall testing the strength of the various different bits of the thing. Do you think there's a way in which this could be a sport, the falling rope bridge, like that? By the way, if you're doing it, wearing a glove would be super helpful so that you don't burn your hands. Rope burn. Rope burn, one of the worst. Yucky.

The burns, because, let me tell you, slutting down a rope, one of the coolest things you can do. Absolutely. Like the coolest things you can do. Absolutely. I get the coolest way to enter any scenario or exit any scenario. That's right. Slutting down a rope. But having your thighs covered in rope burn,

having losing all the skin of the palm of your hands, not so cool now. Yeah, but we're long pants and gloves, and no one will notice. You know what I call it? I call it dope burn, because it's for dopes who don't think to wear long pants and gloves. Well, that's really a nice message. That's also a thing to think about. We could think of fun slogans that you could do.

Because they've come up with slogans for like, don't say no to drugs and things like that, but things like don't say no to drugs. Don't say no to drugs. I mean, that's a cooler one. That is pretty cool. But there's going to be like, say no, don't be ishmo. But for more obscure sort of acts of mischief. Yeah, or even just specifically cool slogans,

catchy cool slogans for dudes who go on like mad adventures like for people, slogans, but aimed at people like Indiana Jones. But like, but even just for teenagers, it's like, hey, don't make mom glower, stay off the top of that water tower. Yeah, I think that's absolutely a sketch. I want to know what is your context? What context do you put this in?

Are you putting in the? Keep working on maths. Don't shit off that overpath. Overpaths? Yeah, this is an overpath. It's not over a highway. This is just actually a small path. It goes over another small path.

An overpath. Sounds like a bit of a rickety rope bridge if you ask me. Do you think that it's like a bit of a rickety rope bridge if you ask me. Yeah. Do you think that it's like a group of people who come up with all these slogans? You know, I mean, dare I say some kind of a think tank scenario? Hmm, I see. I mean, it could just be they've got a dedicated slogan, you know, thing for that respond to every activity. So that eventually you, you'll have a full collection of things that people can do, especially over 20 years. You know, what's somebody else been busted doing?

Or you're talking to the kids, you get a snitch in there, you flip one kid at the local school, they can let you know what all the kids are doing. Like that, you say, hey, flipping snitches, nothing like flipping a snitch is there. You can flip a few snitches. I mean, it's a big operation. Snitches get stitches. That's one that was come up with by the other side. Because it really is a little slogan war, isn't it? You know, it's, you know, every, the slogan arm of the law, or something like that, the slogan unit. Because, and it's an arms race, it's like anything, you know, you've got the mafia, you've

got them out there coming up with their slogans like Snitches, got stitches. You've got your one over here that's saying don't be a schmo when someone offers you drugs, say no. Yeah, and so then they can go, well, you know, on one side, the other, they do say snitches get stitches, but on this side, we say snitches get free sand witches. Yeah, that's good. That's really good.

And you're a poor kid, you know, because you can use those tactics that Russians use to flip people onto their side. It's you, you know, you get them to help you and then you offer them something then once they take it, then you've got evidence on them and you can reveal them to be a traitor to their people. It's crazy, isn't it? Like once you do one thing. Mm. And then the best thing that you can do is then hope to flip back, right? Or you can flip the whole of Russia, the whole Russian intelligence thing. If you could flip that way.

I mean, that's a big flip, isn't it? It's a huge flip. You need quite the mental spatula for that. I don't know. And unless the only way out I think, it's yeah. And you've got to flip a whole intelligence service. Hmm. He flipped the entire KGB.

The KGB caught him, worked out. He was working for MI6. He flipped the entire KGB. Turn it back on them. Yeah, they. Now they're all working for MI6. Little does he know. During the same time, MI6, they've all been flipped.

They've all been flipped. They're all KGB now. They're all KGB. And then they managed to flip the British people. British people, they're all Russian. They're all Russian. Meanwhile, KGB managed to flip all the Russia. They're all British.

So now it's been a full 180 swap, right? Britain, the Soviet states are Britain. Yeah versus the United Russia. The English Isles of Russia. Great Russia, they call it. Great Russia. This last name told me recently came from Prussia. My friend Chris Parlo. I think last, Parlo comes from Prussia. Really? Yeah. It's a Prussian. My friend Chris Paulo, and last, Paulo comes from Prussia. Really? Yeah. It's a Prussian. My Prussian friend.

Yeah. You guys, you ever been to Prussia? You see this? Yeah. You had a Prussia? I was a Prussia the other day. I'm a Prussia the other day. You never hear about Prussian, Omo. Yeah.

That's still out there somewhere. It's out there. Under Prussia. Look, slogan unit. This is huge now. Yeah. This is now a whole metaphor for intelligence, these, but also small town living, but also crime fighting.

Are we doing this whole flip, flip, flip Russia, flip everything? I don't think that's all part of it. No, but... You always want to include everything in every sketch. I want to include... Why do you have such limited scopes? I think that you should be allowed to zoom out occasionally. I'm stuck in a metal ball.

You're stuck in a metal ball. I'm going to scoop to poop in. I ain't got a tube to poop in. Well, I mean, you know, they block your, they block your, your poop tube. I'll take it. You got to, you got to,. You gotta poop at the eye hole. Or they got one of the gun holes.

I was gonna say that once you're in that ball, you've really got yourself a cloaca, don't you? I live in that sweet cloaca life. Yeah, you're living in that cloaca ball. Hmm. See, you have got everything. You got your, you got your food, six months of food. You got everything. You got a food, six months of food. You got everything.

You got a hundred dollars, a hundred thousand dollars waiting for if you don't make any friends. Rub in your hands, looking out those holes, looking out for people that you don't want to get too close to. That's okay, I don't think many people want to come up with friends with this poop and gunt ball. This chute poop and ball.. This tube poop and ball. With guns.

It was police. Tube poop and gunball over there. Everyone wants to be his friend. Yeah. Balls of justice. I mean, this town with the slogan unit, you know, that's, they could, they could also have these balls of justice. Because then, but they're not just a hard hit and,

guns ablazing kind of town that just thinks of, you know, things of metal justice. No, no, no, they've also got this sort of, the psych, what's it called? The Psychological Warfare Unit, which is the slogan's unit. Yeah. This is a cat's and mines, you know? You get the hearts with the balls, the poop balls.

Don't litter, go to the forest, pet a critter. Yeah, like a chipmunk. I already told you I've seen a chipmunk. Probably the first animal I really spent a lot of time looking into its eyes. I saw a, what's the other one that's known as chipmunk? Yeah, squirrel. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Did you know that the wood chuck? Do you know what a wood chuck is? What is it? I think it's a marmott. It's a groundhog. I think they're all the same thing. I know as a shoe in the wood chuck was a bird until yesterday. Are you thinking of a woodpecker?

I was thinking how much wood would a wood chuck chuck? I'm like that's just another way of saying woodpecker. You know, he's chucking wood because he's he's biting the wood. Yeah. And he's chucking the bits over his shoulder or something. No. That's what I was, that's until this very age. Do you think, do you think he's calling the groundhog on one chuck?

No, no, no, no. No, you're thinking of a beaver, that bird. A beaver bird. The beaver bird. Anyway, I think, I think you take it through the sketches now. Can I tell you one more last thing? Alright. One time I saw a woodpecker laying it on up right canoe that was leaning up against the

wall and it got its little claws and the gaps between the wood planks of the canoe. Yep. And it pecked the canoe, but it was a little hollow. So it went. Sound great. Very satisfying. Yeah. Did it drill a hole in the canoe?

No, no, it was a varnish and things like that. I can't get through that varnish. No, no, no, no, no. That's the way. No, I mean, they've got a skull specifically done for drilling into wood. They get, I think the tip of their beak is something like the level of pressure of like a, you know, a thousand neutron bombs or something,

but yeah, you're right, they can't get through that varnish. Oh, that's kryptonite to the woodpecker. Mm-hmm. Or the... The aerial wood chuck, as they know it. I think a woodpecker drilling into a boat, I'd be pretty sure that it's at some point, a military division has tried to train the woodpeckers

to seven times. To seven times. To where the idea for a woodpecker came from. Really? No. All right, we got Wolfman, Vanta Black, anti-snaper techie. Starting strong.

That's our first sketch, right? And this for a rebel group and it could be for anybody. This is for preppers. These are preppers. You don't only need to prep your provisions and your hole in the ground. You also need to cover your body and hair and dye it in Vanta Black so that snipers can put their red dot on you. You just need to work out what color you're going to be after society collapses. And also what color your hair is going to be that covers your body.

And also going out at night time, you're invisible. No one's ever going to see, even if they let their eyes adapt. Yeah. Good luck. You can't adapt to this. Unfortunately, I think Vanderblaingh, I think that the rights to the color are owned by some company. The apocalypse has been, has come.

That's a great thing. Apocalypse comes and wipes out all those payments. Everything can be rediscovered. So a lot for grabs. Discoveries. Somebody can come in and go, Vanderblaing, it's now Michael Black. I think just a series.

Michael Ian Black. Hey, Michael Ian Black. I think just as soon as you saw. Michael Ian Black. Hey, Michael Ian Black. Then we got the vegan deniability restaurant where you know you can just hide, you know you can hide a slice of bacon inside, inside like a nectarine. And then you put a bowl there and it's just 16 nectarines. Yeah. But these guys, they're gonna eat, they're gonna eat, there's two people there, a man and a woman. I just had delicious flavor of nectarine and bikings.

Yeah, but they're just gonna eat eight nectarines each, at this restaurant, and one of them is gonna get a little nibble with bacon, and but they don't have to feel bad, because they might not have eaten it. Vegan liability. I'm looking at a picture of rolled emincent that we got on the thing, man, that's a face, isn't it?

Mm-hmm. Look. Can I say this on the air? Because if I said it early today, I just need it something to be somewhere, so I remember it. Can't say shirt without... Err. Can't say shirt without... Err.

Can't say shirt without... Err. You're right. You need to remember that, yeah. Oh, glad that's the perfect one. Oh, I think there's use for it somewhere. You know, your shirt's gross. Oh yeah, well, you can't say shirt without...

Err. There you go. Put context in there. It's perfect. so what did um vegan okay we got circumcision the circumcision in nature book it's just waiting to be written and waiting yeah you don't have time to get discovered and we got rule 32 but for psychos making things out of body parts yep you name it something's been made by a person out of the discarded body parts of the dead

that they may be responsible for. And I think Rule Two of the internet is if it doesn't exist, you got to make it. So, you know? No, I don't know if that's Rule Two. I think that's part of Rule 32, maybe. Rule 32. I think it's maybe Rule 32. No, it's 32.

That's what it was Rule 1. Open up a... I'm not looking it up. We're not that kind of a podcast. We look up Roll Edminson. Roll Edminson. Edminson. And that's it.

Roll-Minus N. All right. Toothpaste that grows teeth. That's gonna be psychotic. That's the kind of idea that I would come up with. Yeah, I'm really proud of myself. But it's gonna be... It's gonna be psychotic. That's the kind of idea that I would come up with. Yeah, I'm really proud of myself. But it's gonna be, it's gonna be awful. Imagine somebody opening their mouth and they've got teeth all lining their cheek.

Teeth lining your cheek, teeth, they've got teeth under, under their lip. That's keeping their, their mouth would be so swollen. It looks swollen. Yeah. But then there'd be teeth on the outside of the mouth as well, probably. No, because you think they got a bit of toothpaste on them. A bit of toothpaste on them.

You think they'd have to keep throwing out their toothbrushes because all the little cells that get, you know, that you kind of brush off out of your mouth, that stay on your toothbrush when you have to brush it. They, while during the day, they just grow teeth on them. Yeah. Then we got balls of justice. That's right.

Right, and then we got the slogans unit. This is probably of the same town that has the balls of justice. Probably everything is probably all one sketch out on your right. It's a little rolled together. Yeah. Since you saw that movie, The Lobster, which had so many ideas in it, you want everything to be in one thing, don't you? I watched the movie The Lobster and it looks like it was written by this podcast.

Except beautiful and complete. Beautiful and complete. Yeah. Oh, God. Well, we have a lovely thing to be able to say about something. Mm. Yeah. Well, you know, there's the element of this where sometimes, I mean, it feels like we could

spend hours with each sketch idea But we we have to we can't have people listening to these for five hours. Can we? We have to kind of move on because we need just for the sake of people's lives We can't spend five hours on each sketch idea, right? How long have we been going for already? Uh, an hour and 15 minutes. Let's talk to get real long. Yeah, so we got to end it. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast. We really do appreciate it. You are the beasts of listening. But they say wings. Yeah, you're the beasts who carry our fallen bird bodies.

We've fallen on you, you bovine creatures, and we rely on you and the bugs that land in your fur to keep us alive. Yeah, come on, bugs. Come on. Whip those bugs away from the back area and make them fly to the front so we can get them in the way we can get them in the way we can get them in the way we don't have to move so much. Yeah. Thank you to everyone who supports us on Patreon. That's

an amazing thing that you do. Amazing gift. There's more people have come on board recently and it's so kind and thoughtful and thank you for supporting the show. It makes our lives considerably better. Unbelievably better. You can also buy the show makes our lives considerably better unbelievably better You can also buy the tickets to our comedy festival show if you feel like doing that There's a link in the show notes to the comedy festival show. There's people magma There's people who are coming from far far away to come and see the show. It's amazing Brian. We're looking at you. Yeah, it's coming from America This is insane. Thank you everybody for listening.

Feel free to review us on iTunes. We love it. Feel free. We're so good. Feel free to listen to Shusher guided meditations if you want to check out listening to me for even longer. It's very funny, very relaxing podcast. And feel free to, you know, even just Google Andy and find some of the old things that he's written because he's very funny endlessly what's that

parts unexplored not to that don't look at all parts unexplored as a blog that I did like nine years ago and I showed it to somebody about nine years ago when I barely knew Andy and and at the same time as I showed him some of the stuff that I'd written and he really laughed at the stuff that Andy had written. There's a thing with a bag of scroggen that made me laugh. Oh, wow, that's real nice. Thanks, Al. Um, alright, I think that's it.

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