Two In The Think Tank - 182 - "ROSE TINTED MIST"

Episode Date: May 7, 2019

Deepest of thankings to the superb Angus Gordon for coming on this podcast. Do indeed follow him on facebook.RTM, Eye Scab Kid Vid, Placebo Doctore, Agricultural Investigator, Ring Finger Wedding Swap, Sex Shop GodHey, why not listen to Al's new meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereGovernment-backed thanks to George Matthews for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive. Most of you aren't just listening right now. You're driving, cleaning, and even exercising. But what if you could be saving money by switching to Progressive? Drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average, and auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Multitask right now. Quote today at Progressive.com.

Progressive casualty and trans company in Affiliates, National Average 12 Month Savings of $744 by New Customer Surveyed, who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential Savings will vary. Discount's not available in all safe and situations. Visit Planet Broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, Yes. Hello, and welcome to Two in the Think Tank to show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy.

Andy Matthews, and I'm Alistair George William, probably virtual in presenting to the program. And introducing, can we do an introducing, like, you know, what's the name? Cameron Diaz in the mask, you know? She got, that was her first photo film role, and introducing Cameron Diaz. This is your first podcast for Angus.

I mean, like a third? Never existed before this moment. Before. For me, a baby doesn't become a human until they appear on a podcast. Their first podcast. Yes, down in indelible digital. It's Angus. Hello.

Hello. Already everybody has used so many words, I don't understand. Delebel digital. It's Angus. Hello. Hello. Already everybody has used so many words, I don't understand. Indelegable? You say before it sounded like indeligial. It's one of those stangies. You just dig it out.

You know what I mean? You keep scrubbing this bloody indelible stain. Mm-hmm, really? Until the blood comes. Yeah. You guys have one of those. Until the stain seems to be seeping onto your skin. It's spreading.

It's spreading. It's in front of your skin. It's spreading, it's spreading. It's in front of my eyes. It's on my brain. Is there a stain that, is there anything like that that you try to get out and it just spreads to you? Maybe disease. Yeah, like, yeah, viruses.

Yeah. Oh, that's cool. I guess that's a stain, isn't it? Do you think it'd be possible to get a scab on your eyeball and how good would it feel to pick that scab? Let's... Okay, let's... I mean, this is a two-part thing, so let's adjust... Yeah.

Angus. One, I think it's definitely possible and we should start and experiment right now. I mean, but that's suggested the eyeball heals itself, like that. I guess it does in a way. It must heal in some way, but I'm... It's not skin, though, is it? It's not skin, so does it still scab? And it's not blood. It's heal in some way, but I'm, you know, I'm not skin though, is it? It's not skin. So does it still scared?

And it's not blood. Probably more like an eye fluid. I can't. Probably because if it was, if it was red blood going into your eye, you might see everything a bit tinged red or more red. But then sometimes, you might have a rosy disposition towards life. That's true. I thought I had rose tinder glass that turns out bleeding

inside my eyeball, but I am still very optimistic about the future of the possibility of recovering from this eye damage. Recovering from this irreparable eye damage. When the blood goes across my eyes I'm becoming angry, angry that I've ever been before. Oh yeah, I think I will come down from that anger. This is the flip side, isn't it? You've got the red mist that descends over your eyes and makes you kill everybody in a bloody rage. And then you have rose tinted goggles.

And I guess your perspective on whether or not it's a red mist or a rose tinted glasses depends on whether or not you have rose tinted glasses or not. So I would say that even if you were a very optimistic person and a blood-raged ascended over your mind, you would still interpret that in a positive way. Well, you've got opportunity to finally rid yourself of their enemies. That's right. The thorgansons. The thorgansons. Yeah, I mean, they could either be a tribe of sort of marauding people,

or they could just be your next door neighbors. I can't tell. Either way, I'm burning down their lodge, and meeting up the front door with an axe. Yeah. Yeah, you've got to cover the exits, don't you? You've got to be there. So many people just burn the lodge.

You burn the lodge. If what if they've got a very great fire safety plan every weekend, they're practicing meeting at their assembly point? You've got to be at the assembly point with an axe as they are dislodged. Mm-hmm. On the fire. On the fire. And by you.

And dismembered. Well, yeah, to dislodge somebody could be to... Assuming this was one of those lodges that had requires a membership. That's why you've got to get out of any lodge by 10 a.m. in the morning, because they start burning them down after that. Yeah, that's why, why would you make a cabin out of wood,

or a lodge out of wood, if it wasn't so that you could burn it? Yeah, that's why I never stay in a cold-based lodge. That's right. Yeah. So a log cabin, there's a cold cabin, cold lodge, cabin. Yeah. There's a coal cabin. Yeah. Coal lodge.

What about a match cabin? We're like a gasoline cabin. Oh my God. Or a cabin made out of pure sunlight. What? What? What? I mean, in a way, log cabins are made out of sunlight

because all the energy that is embodied in the chemicals comes from the sun. So consider that. So when you burn it, it's just like you're releasing the light that's been trapped in there. That's right. Yeah. Second hand sun or like stored sunlight.

Yeah. So essentially you're not burning, you're getting a tan. Yeah. Yes. Third degree tan. Does that mean that you are going to get rid of the thorgans since you should put on sunscreen before hint? Yeah, definitely not on them. Maybe hide their sunscreen Yeah, so even if they don't die from the fire they will have a higher risk of melanoma

Absolutely, you'll get them one way or another or at least this is the way that we would see it depending on whether the mist is Red mist over the eye or a rose tinted mist. Oh, like one of those raging optimists who's normal most of the time and then sometimes the rose tinted mist comes down over their eyes and they go into a frenzy of positivity. Well, it could be a rageaholic who has a really high white blood cell count. To dilute the red. So we get it in the case. His red, his red mist comes down,

but it's actually a pink glaze. And it just kind of, you know. So maybe the red mist is a diagnostic tool to tell whether or not you're suffering from some kind of late-stage leukemia or something like that. You know, you get it. I mean, maybe, but I think having a really high blood,

white blood cell count, oh, is that a sign that you're traveling something? I think it is, yeah. So it's generally good, right? High, right. Unless it's, I would say the cancer is such a dream. You've been, because leukemia is in the white blood cell.

It isn't white blood cells that are what attack viruses and you normally get cancer, your white blood cell drops. And that's why you're susceptible to secondary infection. I thought that you were susceptible to secondary infection. Look, and I have no idea. And you might be coming to this with having actually read something, as opposed to just having had things through the environment.

I would never read anything. I would just make it up on the spot. That's reassuring. Because that's also what I do. So my theory is that you can't say you don't necessarily have the risk of secondary infection until you start something like radiation therapy, which I think reduces your blood cell count in attempt to take the cancer.

Anyway. And this is another episode of guessing how the white blood cells work. This is science, medical speculation, lawn. The only way to get to truth is the credit method. I sure believe we're talking on a podcast. I guess it's punchy the air because it is full of enemies. And the only way to prove it isn't is the punch-eth.

Mm. And now- And now- And now- And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the-

And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the-

And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the- And now the- blind, right? Not only are you blind, but also you've got that scab, which would make it hard to close your eyes and all that sort of thing. Oh, I would hurt under the eyelid. Your eyes peeled, okay? Now, you peel back the scab. Not only do you get the satisfaction of peeling your scab, which is a high level of satisfaction, you also get the gif, you get your sight back, right? Which should be also beautiful. Yeah. And I guess imagine the eyeball probably doesn't have any pain sensors that many or any

That's right. That's when you get hooked in the eye it doesn't hurt at all It is Notorious the most painless experience is you can undergo I think it's mostly Referral, let's let's test this theory you open your eye Okay, but don't touch my eyelid. I don't want to get hurt. I love imagining that you get rid of the scab, not like we're appeal, but like the biggest bit of sleep ever.

Like you're just like rubbing it like that and all the scab is like flaking out. Mm. That's how I'd like to do it. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. I wonder if the eye scab in my mind could even be like a special kind of scab, like transparent, like a bit of lens,

but like lens scab or cornea scab, you know, and then and you'd get it out and you'd be able to look at it with your functioning eye and you'd be like, that looks cool. And that's another type of satisfaction. Three levels of satisfaction. Scornierab. Scornierab.

Anyway, um. Picking, picking, picking eye scabs. Uh, I don't know. I was just unsure, it's a sketch yet. Uh, what about this? You got a knob on the funny you t-shirt. No, no. No, no. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, Icaps with me, Linda. So you know, it's a sketch. All right, I'm running out of sound.

Well, okay, but how do you stop them, right? Do you just, did you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do the flames? Maybe it, you just do it entirely using logic, right? And you explain to them that it'll be so satisfying as to be the peak of all possible satisfaction. And after that point, everything will be downhill and their lives will feel dull and meaningless. And that's why you have to resist so that you can still experience joy in the future. It's a totally non-interventionist method of disciplining your kids.

Another one is to hit them. Yeah, I'm up for the second one. Linda has both of those options there on the table. Yeah, I mean, you explained to them also about, you know, you can talk to them about the actual, the process of eyes. No, I process. Yeah, I process and how the scab is formed. And, you know, what, you know, maybe within that explanation, you can tell them the story about how they hurt their eye. Remember they were, it was like a sandpaper accident. No.

Oh. Oh. You know, because I mean, how do you get a scab all the way across the eye? Well, only if you sort of drag your eye across some sandpaper, maybe. So it's like, it's enough of a cut that you're not losing all that fluid on the inside, but it also enough so that there's there's damage all the way across that

the eyeball needs to release enough sort of gooey fluid to block off any infections being able to get in. A new angle on the sketch is not a mama telling you, it's how to get beautiful smooth eyes. It's like a makeup tutorial. You're a scrubbing real hardwood, Sam. And then wait for that dead layer of skin to form a scab so you can peel off revealing beautiful, new, sparkling eyes. Well, she, this is great.

I mean, this is, you know, this is what we reveal later on is that she... First, it's a video about how to stop your kids picking at their eye scabs. But then you realize that she did this to her kids as part of a beauty thing that she was doing so that they could all get the smoothest eyes. Yeah. And then we reveal the kids and everybody agrees, you know what? Actually, their eyes look really amazingly smooth

And we see that it's all worthwhile and that's the message It's the window to the soul and you want it to be it's clear. That's my polish it out. Yeah Crazy thing that like the surgery for cataracts is really old like it's existed for eight like really old, like it's existed for, like, I think it's one of the earliest, like, surgeries, is something to do with, like, slicing the into the eye and removing the lens, because the lens is what forms the cataract is, like, a, you know, a growth within the lens, and you can actually take out the lens from the eye, and the eye can heal up, and you can regain quite a bit of vision from like this. Yeah, it's like really old, like over over 150 years old I reckon. And they were doing it with lasers back then as well.

Laisers as well, yeah, but real primitive lasers on the end of a hammer. I did see a sign on my way here today that said that they used medical grade lasers for removing hair or something like that. And I thought that it was, what are the other degrees? Right, so we got used military grade lasers. And this PowerPoint presentation for the grade lasers.

Recreational grade. Recreational child grade. Yeah, I guess. The ones that you can sort of shoot at your friends, and they'll be like, don't, pop, do it in my eye and you still go like, oh, I'm a little bit. Yeah, you might have a cataracts mate.

Let's have a bit of a cleanup. Yeah, clean it up. It is crazy, isn't it, that like you, you lasers, we're like, no, no, don't show me my eye, but then you're along and that's exactly what they do to fix your eyes to shine a laser in it. Do you think that that's just the medical establishment

trying to stop you from being a professional? I think that's exactly what it is. I'm gonna protect their... Keep the power out of our hands. Yeah. Professional enclosure. You show professional enclosure. Is that a phenomenon?

Yeah, they don't want us fucking getting in. I have you ever thought about this, maybe medicine, you know when you read those stories and it's like a guy or a woman as posed as a doctor for like 20 years, they finally get caught. And everyone those stories and it's like a guy or a woman as opposed as a doctor for like 20 years, they finally get caught. And everyone's like, it's so irresponsible, they don't know any medicine and they've been practicing for

maybe it's just not that hard. Maybe if there wasn't so many fancy words for bones. I think that's, I think anyone could do it. Proves that it's not that hard, right? But if a con person can do it, all that there's just lots of same guys. How many lives they save, you know, a con person. Well, now we're taking all this experience

out of the hospital. I'm not gonna say. 20 years of fake experience. Yeah. Well, I mean, most trips to the doctors that I've had have really been for nothing. It's like, oh, just go there, just in case. But really, most of the time, I'm just getting better on my own. But how hard is it? It's like, oh, somebody has a little bit of, it's like, oh, you got a Flemmi cough? Well, there could be an infection in there. Oh, you don't

have a Flemmi cough? I don't think there's an infection in there. No, they look in your throat, and they're like, eh, it looks a bit red. Yeah, it looks all throats look red. Yeah. And inside of the human body, it's just uniformly red, isn't it? Well, it's dark in there. It's dark. So that's the difference. They have a special little torch.

Yeah. Welcome back to Australia's leading anti-medical podcast. And why? But I think that you're right. There's probably, what is the percentage of fake doctors that are out there in the system? Probably, you know, around 1%. But maybe that's what right, there's probably, what is the percentage of fake doctors that are out there in the system? Probably, you know, around 1%. But maybe that's what we need, you know, maybe you can safely have a certain level of

fake doctors in the medical establishment without it affecting, you know, significantly the overall health of the population. But while still having a big effect on hospital wait times, you know, like you just bring in that extra, like you're diluting the medical pool, but just like diluting cordial, you can do it a certain amount before people notice the difference. Yeah, but you make the cordial go a lot further.

Well you're speeding it up. Some people are obviously seeing a fake doctor. Exactly, there's some people. Some people are seeing a fake doctor, but then some people fake illnesses. Right? So... Yeah, and most people are getting a few...

If they don't like an opinion from a doctor anyway, even if it's a proper doctor, they're gonna go see a second opinion. So there's no point having both of those opinions being medical treatment. Yeah. They're gonna pick the one they like the most anyway. You know? That's double handling.

Yeah, and then a lot of people are also Googling their symptoms beforehand online. Exactly, so that's triple handling. Yeah. Because I mean, basically they have the same medical sort of training as a doctor. You just go to, like, if, look, I don't believe in just Googling your, and just looking at web-md to sort of,

you know, figure out what you've got. You've also got to go deeper into the forums and see what other people are talking about the guy I had this and then. The people who think that the medical establishment is lying to what are they thinking? And they go, you know, you just got to put some salt in your foot. And then often those little tricks, if you dig a little bit, that actually does work. Also the placebo effect is real. So why can't we have entire placebo doctors, right? Don't think of them as a con person. Think of them as a placebo

doctor. They work even if you know they're a con doctor. Yeah, it's right. Conduct. I mean, you could do that. You could just go, I'm a placebo doctor. And then you just all you do is give out, take pills. Yeah, surely you don't need approval to be a placebo doctor Not if you put it on the sign placebo doctor come and get some sugar pills It'll make you better maybe it still works. Yeah, it still works better than nothing Of course sugar, you know if you have too much of it. Yeah, well, so they're low sugar sugar pills. Yeah, okay And you're only on one a day if you take too many sugar pills, then you're probably... Yeah, of course, right.

Yeah, if you're self-medicating, then you've only got yourself to blame. Yeah. I suppose if you just had a packet of sugar pills there at home, and you kind of know they're quite nice, then you sort of have one, and then you're like... Then self-medicating my diabetes. Oh, sugar pills? These are very morish. Is there an overdosing?

Is there something about somebody overdosing on placebo and like how you would how you would deal with that? You know, if they've taken an overdose of placebo's, right, you get to their house and they're pretending to almost be dead or whatever. And you've got a placebo cardio later. Yeah, go clear. Yeah, you make one out of a couple of old telephones.

Yeah. You pretend to put a hose down their stomach and pump it. Or you really do it. It works the same. Yeah, or you pretend to stab them in the heart with adrenaline like in pulp fiction. Oh, somebody was having a placebo. Like if they had sort of injected a bunch of placebo

in the video, it's just like that. had sort of injected a bunch of placebo in there. Intermediate placebo. To get the rush quicker. Yeah. Probably that does work if you like give someone an injection or like a drip of placebo because they think that's better medicine. The placebo is stronger. The placebo is stronger.

Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, look, I've written placebo doctor, someone has an overdose. Yeah, a bunch of placebo junk. It's probably something we've come up with on the podcast before, to be honest. No, it isn't. No, it isn't. It isn't. No, it's not.

It isn't. We've never come up with this idea. No, but it's placebo. We love placebo. No, it doesn't sound like us. The placebo effect is the official effect of the two in the think tank podcast. Listen to this podcast and normally you come up with nothing. It's just hours of silence.

But then I'll make up a bunch of things in my head. And I think you've come up with stuff. But really, you've said nothing. This is way too close to the truth and it's starting to hurt me. So, thanks a lot. It's a real placebo insult you've given me there. The effect is real. I had something earlier that we were talking about.

I wanted to bring it back to a thing, but it's gone. What's the other effect? The... E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E- Yeah, yeah, I like that. It's pretty good effect as well. And the Doppler effect, that's what I use to measure the blood flow rate of the blood in the brains of my twins when they were in the womb of my wife. Wow. Red and blue. Red and blue, yeah. Except it was with ultrasound, so it doesn't have a real color, but then they digitally add color to it in the... Has a real color, it's just not one that you can see, Andy.

I don't know if sound has a color allister. Is ultrasound sound? Ultrasound is sound, yeah, it's vibrations. Oh, you're thinking of ultraviolet. Ah, yes. But color is just immaterial as well. It's just our brains perceiving different wavelengths. Oh, you got me.

Yes. Oh, I shouldn't have taken you on when Angus is here. Oh. Boom, yeah. So I'm A-boy. So there should be that. You're right. Everything is just a perception.

Nothing's real. It's just a brain putting meaning on the thing. Yeah. Everything has a color and nothing does. Well, I mean, it's not so crazy to think now that if we just had, I mean, I guess a so crazy to think now that if we just had, I mean, I guess a bat has eyes that are ears. Yeah.

And so we just don't have ear eyes, but you could set it up. You're right. So a bat would see the color of the blood flow in the baby's brains. Oh, clicking. What's me that using the echolocation? Echolocation.

I mean, I don't want to have to rely entirely on echo. It would make podcasts very difficult with echolocation. Everyone talking, but then also trying to work out how far they are from everyone else. Because I mean, that is a huge part of the podcast. The most distant, distant, distant, the distant, spittery to everybody. I mean, we've sort of managed to do a sort of a rough work

around by having one sit in chairs that are essentially stationary in a non-moving studio. But you're never 100% sure how far you are from the mic. Because I know when I do Shusher, my guided meditation podcast, that often if I close my eyes while I'm doing it, then like I open and I'm like I've moved way away from the mic. Yeah, really.

Podcast Drift. Podcast Drift. You've got to do podcasts between the flags, sort of. You can be taken out into the internet. I'm actually what I've done to sort of fix that problem. I've got one of those roller coaster chairs where you sort of dangle underneath it and they sort of basically lock your head in so you can't move like that. I got one of these now and I've said I'm hanging it from the roof of my house and my garage. I do my podcast at Mark Maren's house and then now I don't drift so much.

You do at his house though, not at the garage. No, yeah, in the garage. Okay. That is house. That's kind of also like what they do to cows just before they shoot them in the head with that bolt, isn't it? They sort of squeeze them between two things and it makes them calm down, which is amazing. It's like it's a hug.

It's like a hug, but cows never get hugged. No cow is in the history of a cow evolution, has ever been hugged by another cow. That's why they wanted so bad. That's why they wanted so bad, yeah. But they wouldn't know that that's what's been missing from their lives until the moment they're about to die. Yeah. Which is really, really happy fact. Yeah, it's actually what a nice thing.

But I think imagine with cows you walk in herd, so you'd probably often be pressed up between two cows. You're right. In a full beef sand. You do. Like that. And you would kind of be like, oh, this is pretty nice, that hot flesh

up against my, that's a corn beef. So imagine this. And also if you're in the middle of the pack, you're safe from predators. Right. On the outside, that's where the wolf is going to get it. You'll be picked off. Yeah.

Unless he's running between everybody's legs and it is a heat hunting animal. Yeah. Yeah. A female wolves are more forges, aren't they? They're more forges, yeah. They're barrains and that sort of thing. They got the planting seedlings

and planting for the future and things like that. Anyway, they might come in just bite your belly. That would be awful. I guess anyway, it would get stepped on if you were that male wolf. Yeah, it would be a high risk strategy to get that inner cow beef sandwich belly. Yeah.

But sometimes that's where the good meat is. Be great if you could burrow as well, I imagine, as a wolf. Like a burrowing wolf who could burrow to the center of the pack. Come up, take a bite of belly, mouth full of belly, back down into your tunnel, your wolf tunnel, and tunnel away again, and then as the crowd disperses, there's just one cow bleeding out in the middle. And everyone's like, this is like a locked room mystery.

How was this achieved? And then you can get away with it. And then you see evidence somewhere just a mile down the road of a wolf having had penetrative sex with a marmot, right? It's just weird. That is weird to see evidence of. Yeah, maybe a polaroid, you know,

polaroid from sort of a hiker. That was the last thing they ever took a photo of, right before that wolf, and then the bar mit. Got them. And yeah. It slowly, it comes out of the little polaroid thing, and you see it developing by the side of the road there. There it goes.

RAH! RAH! And yeah. Yeah. That little, that little ground squirrel There it goes. RAAAAAAA! RAAAAAAA! And then you go. Yeah! That little, that little ground squirrel getting in there, burrowing into the belly, into the holes that the wolf makes.

Oh, I mean, hollowing that out, coming up the mouth. It's such a... Such a beautifully rich scenario, not only one in which there are burrowing wolves, but also in which random cow attacks are being investigated by some kind of a bureau or department. I think the Department of Agriculture, the farmers are starting to lose cattle.

You're right, in these locked-room mysteries, you don't want to know how and why. Especially middle cattle. I wonder how the Department of Agriculture has an investigative arm, new sketch. And yes, agricultural detectives. They have been in need since the horse rustling days. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, rustling. That would be their bread and butter. Their meat and potatoes would be rustling. Mainly meat.

Mainly meat. Less meat. Less meat. Oh, potato rustling. You know, mainly meat, mainly meat, which is potatoes. Oh, potato rustling. I think someone rustled a whole lot of avocado and New Zealand, relatively recently.

Was this huge, huge heist? It was crazy. Anyway, you can't go soft on avocado. Oh, oh, joke about avocados? No, it was me and Matt. No one's ever done a joke about avocados. No. It's one of those topics communities, it's off limits. I'm sorry. I just don't like punching down to avocados, because they're very fragile and vegetable.

For me, all stone fruits are for table. Fruit. Really? Really? I won't do any stone fruits are fruit. Fruit. Fruit. Really? Really? I won't do any comedy about stone fruit. But on the counter. With the fruit bowl. If it's in the fruit bowl, sure.

Go for it. Big egg. But if it's just on the table, no, that's a, that's the same thing. Right. Yeah, anyway, that's a sketch, right? Agricultural crime. You've written down the details of the specific crime. Well, middle cattle. The middle cattle. I think if you're going to, if you're going to have this agriculture technique, we need all the details. We need the marmot, Polaroid, the hiker who's

somehow going through just hiking through fields of cattle. I said it was within a mile. And there's wolves. Andy, you lived on a property that literally had a hiking track going through it. And it was a paddock where there could have been cattle. Well, we had dogatex on our shape. Really? Yeah, real awful. Doga. Doga.

Hey, really? Really? Dogatex. Dogatex. When dogs bite back. Actually, it was the throat that they go for. Somebody bit the dog. They, I think dogs, I mean, it's a cycle of abuse.

Dogs are being bitten and then they bite back. Well, they're only, they're only baiting because they got... No, I mean that, but that's interesting, isn't it? Like if we did discover that the only reason that dogs bite is because they had been bitten themselves by a man in their youth, right? So you know, you hear some awful thing where a dog

is like mulled at its owner to death or something like that and everyone's like, oh, this dog's terrible. But then when we get into it, we see the backstory, we get the history of when that dog itself was bitten by a man. Yes. As a child. As a human child? No.

Yeah. As a human child. It was transformed into a dog. A dog. Oh, and through. Because I mean, you often see creatures like a werewolf or something like that biting transformed into a dog. A dog on the... Through... Because I mean, you often see creatures, like a werewolf or something like that,

biting or something, a person. And then that person becomes a werewolf, but you don't often see somebody, like let's say, a man, biting a dog. A dog. And then that dog becomes a different dog. You know, like, you always turn into the thing that it was that you got bitten by.

Well, it's a metaphor for the cycle of abuse. The vampire bites. The person turns them into a vampire, but they perpetuate the violence. Yeah, but what about this is a metaphor for breaking the cycle? It's a dog that turns you into a different dog. I mean, no, it's a but man that turns you into different dog by biting you and you're a dog. It's a man who, he bites a dog and it turns the dog into a social worker. No, well, no, no, that was just, but that actually often happens to people who are abused. Then they want to break the cycle. Yeah, you're right.

But then it's not a metaphor. Now, it's just, then it's just reality. Yeah, but a lot of, a lot of, a lot of, a lot of, a of the social workers are former dogs who have been bitten by That may be the case. Yeah, look at me But wait, I did have another idea Anyway, you got it you had a great tweet recently about Was it somebody turning into a moon when a wolf is full? I look I ended up making a full episode of Shushar out of that Really? Yeah, just because I was like,

oh, it's a tweet, but really, I could drag this out for 12 minutes. And so it's just basically somebody who's turning into a moon. But then they realized it was because at one point, they... It was actually a person who saw a wolf, and then they started turning into a moon. And then they remembered that five years ago there had been an astronaut doing some surveying on the moon. Right. And then they got bitten by the moon. And when they stood into a crater and it kind of pinched down on them.

And it wasn't until now that it was coming, taking effect now that it's seen a full wolf. I like the fact that they saw the wolf and they remembered that they'd been an astronaut. You can think of something. I'm not sure if people forget that they've been an astronaut. Oh yeah, that was a part of my life for a while. I guess it would, you know. I forget stuff that I've done. You have to be reminded.

There's things that... So you go. No, no, no. I was just going to say. There's things that, so you go. No, no, no, I was just gonna say that there are things that take up your whole life. You know, that, that, they take up all your time. Seem all consuming and then five years later, you're out.

Yeah. If you were to quit comedy today, you would just be like, I can't believe three days ago, I was doing comedy. And then now it's something I don't even think about except for in this one moment. I mean, three days doesn't seem long enough. Like, that could just be the gap between gigs for a lot of people.

Yeah, people who aren't committed. Yeah. The May as well. Who weren't really in comedy? Like me. And me. I noticed you're wearing a ring. Is that okay?

Yeah, it's okay. You can tell people that this is my first podcast since I have now become married. I didn't want people to reveal that because a big part of the appeal of the podcast is young girls listening. Yeah. I think that they have a chance with Alistair. I don't know for a fact that that is not the case.

You were saying your ring doesn't quite fit. I'd be thinking if I get married. Yeah. I don't think, when it rings very expensive, I don't think it's, I think it's a waste of money. So I think what I'd like to do is just chop off my ring finger. My ring finger, exchange fingers. Oh, that's a really good idea. And wear it around on a necklace, the boat. Also, you're not gonna just put it back on the finger.

Oh no, that would be even better if you could surgeryly attach it to the finger. It seemed exactly where you were going with that. Well, I was thinking you could have the finger around you. And you'd always have it, kiss it? Insert it, places. Insert it, yeah. Sure. Well, that is always having one of their fingers

you could insert places. If you want, if you're feeling lonely or what. Yeah, they're always with you. And what's great with it is that you could cut off their finger when they've let their nail grow. It's a little bit so that whenever you've just cut your nails and need to like open up a can of coke or something like that, you could use that finger and get that nail under there just to get just for that initial lift and then get the finger part underneath.

Right. And then it never hurts your fingers. And that thing is actually called a ring pull, isn't it, on a can? So it feels very appropriate, you know? Yeah, you'd be pulling it with a ring. Yeah, with a ring finger. Oh yeah.

But you could also use that little extra bit of fingernail to like clean under your fingernails. You know how sometimes you do that, yeah. You need sort of one long fingernail that you can then use to clean all the other fingernails. And do your nails keep growing when you're dead? Oh, that's what I've heard.

Yeah. I think that's, it's just because the skin goes... No, no, I think it's because there's some sort of magical phenomenon. It's causes the fingernail to keep growing forever. It's actually the one truly infinite resource in the universe is the fingernails of the dead. How are we not talking about how like it's not overpopulation, but the grounds being full of fingernail. Surely at some point it's going to start smashing out of the

ground, destroying our cities, this huge fingernails, you know, destroying the foundations of buildings, toppling them down. Yeah, I mean this is what we should be worried about, not global warming. It's crazy that like I remember when my biggest concern about the environment, the future of the planet was peak oil. Do you remember being worried about peak oil? Well, I thought, you know, this is gonna be terrible for when I,

obviously have a massive hammer. Yeah. The people that are driving around. I won't be able to get enough oil for it, right? But, but now. What also the plastic industry is, what? Now we'd love, we'd love peak oil. I wouldn't be great if we'd hit peak oil

and then we were running out of oil and then we would go onto renewables but turned out peak oil was just like, oh no, the thing about oil is you've just got a wanted more. So now we've found other ways to get it out of like shale rocks and all that sort of thing. So peak oil is not even really a thing.

It was just a test of how much we wanted it. But now, because it seems like there's oil forever, now we're gonna burn the planet instead. You know when they do oil spills, and it's like, it's really hard to clean up the environment. Sure. But now I think they've worked out a way where you can just get it all in a big blender,

and then you blend it up, and then the oils, because of the viscous, it will sit at different levels, so you can just scoop off the oil, and then you'll it up and then the oils, because of the viscous, it will sit at different levels so you can just scoop off the oil and then you'll have a lot of mush from the penguins. Oh, whatever down the bottom. Which is, you can't obviously, that's a way of getting the oil out of the environment. You can extract it, but you can just whisk it up.

Separate the oil from the penguins, but unfortunately then you really do have to mix all the penguins together into one sort of penguinish kind of soup. Sure, and that sounds bad, but that is actually a really nutrient-rich sort of soup for growing other penguins or fish things that penguins feed on. And there's actually, it's really cute, there's a 90-year-old man down in Philip Ireland who knits sweaters for the penguin mush. You just pour it into a different... It's like water. You pour it into a different mold.

And the penguin will take on... He's knitting those moles. So that the penguin can sort of be kept in more or less a penguin shape. But it's just more of a mush made from a variety of penguins. Which strangely enough, a penguin does kind of look like just like an upside down blender. It does, you know? And so, I mean, it's still got that kind of wide base. We've all thought that.

Yeah, I mean, but you know, like the head is very much like the part, you know, with the has the sting you unscrew, the toggle, the toggle, the nogle. Yep, no, I know exactly what you mean. Yeah. I, yeah, don't feel good about the death of all those penguins at that penguin colony. Second largest emperor penguin colony got wiped out, apparently. Recently, and then within the last month.

What like? Ever and then we'll go on. Was it a bland idea? ISIS? All dead. ISIS at the time. All of them are dead. Yeah. How did that go?

I didn't read the article, but I did the bad. How do you sell about it? Yeah, I mean, I mean, what you should feel about is that you didn't even give them a respect of, I wanted the greatest super organisms on earth, maybe, and super-organism. Do you think the penguin is a super-organism? Well, a penguin flock, maybe. super organism? Well a penguin flock maybe. Yeah right, a colony. Yeah.

I think they were all killed by a burrowing wolf, went into the middle there. Yeah well. Bit out their gungus. Well first of all, what a... Look, they're just presumed that. Oh, I'm just a pet. Allegedly. This sounds like a case for the agricultural crimes.

Go on a isopherry. Allegedly this sounds like a case for the agricultural crimes go on Ice Safari in the criminal justice system. They're too separate Damn down under yes Because they've got down they penguins have down What does that mean? Oh? For a very very feathers this article says one of the world's largest penguin colonies has officially disappeared. This is what climate change looks like, but it's not what it looks like.

Because there's nothing there. There's nothing to look at. It looks, but maybe that's what it is. Maybe climate change doesn't look like anything. You go, oh, there, it's like dark matter. You can't see it. It's a stuff. Because it's a concept.

It's an idea. But I think that genuine really on looking at it. That genuinely is the problem though, right? Like one of the things that Tony Abbott said when he was arguing against our need to try and reduce carbon dioxide emissions as form and prime minister or the store of Australia, Tony Abbott, I did climate change denier, right?

He said, well, it's a, it's a, it's a, an odorous invisible gas, right? This is carbon dioxide, you're right. It's like, oh, okay, so the fact that we can't see it is a reason to not worry about it. I love it. I love that logic. I bet you, if you get enough of it in one one room you could probably get a sniff it and kind of tell it it's there. Do you think it's like why these sort of middle-aged executives are so keen on climate changes because they actually long to park their car in the garage and gas themselves with carbon monoxide. Right. And they haven't they haven't found out away for that to also work for the shareholders. So they're like all right we'll just pump it all into the atmosphere and then I'll breathe it in and go Yes. So they're like, oh, I'll just pump it all into the atmosphere,

and then I'll breathe it in and go on. Yeah, they have this sort of sublimated desire to asphyxiate in an enclosed space, but because they haven't realized that, they haven't admitted that to themselves, it's coming out through this other way of trying to basically gas the entire earth to death. I mean, the problem is that you're talking about carbon monoxide,

in fact, carbon dioxide. But close enough. How do you turn carbon dioxide into, well, that's the solution. Is there a simple way of just turning the carbon dioxide in the air? Into carbon monoxide. Into carbon monoxide. Into carbon monoxide. I think it's because it's incomplete combustion, right?

Because carbon, when carbon burns, you get two oxygen molecules attaching to make carbon dioxide, but if it doesn't burn sufficiently, you only get one oxygen molecule and you want it with carbon dioxide, which inhibits the hemoglobin in the blood, stops it from absorbing oxygen. And you will also die if you breathe

in a lot of carbon dioxide as well. Oh, sure, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's absolutely clear. I don't want to suggest that you can't also die from that. But is there a simple way of turning carbon dioxide into carbon monoxide? I don't think so. I think that because really, if you're doing that,

then you're halfway from turning carbon dioxide back into oxygen, which is basically what we need to do anyway. I think that you've got a pump energy in somehow in order to reverse that oxidation process, which makes it, I mean, that's the essential challenge of trying to get rid of all the carbon dioxide in the first place. Has anyone tried to make a machine that turns, like, almost like a tree respiratory system, it turns carbon dioxide into the air into oxygen, but unfortunately it needs so much energy

in the form of coal. That it also spews out quite a lot of carbon dioxide. I think this is, I mean it seems like a thing that somebody has almost certainly tried. I don't know if they've tried to make it powered directly by coal, probably brown coal as well, the dirtiest of all the coals. But, uh...

Pure white coal. White coal, that's exactly what made me think. It'd be great if we... What if we've discovered white coal yet? So the purists of the coal? What is it just pure energy? I think it might be. Yeah. Can you burn diamonds for pure energy?

Because that's just a carbon in a lattice. Sort of white coal. I mean, it'd be amazing. Could anyone try burning diamonds? I think there is a way that you can get diamonds to combust and involve cooling them down heaps and doing some fucking thing. I think referring to diamonds as white coal. Yeah, it'll do wonders for their shop value.

I'm sure. You can see that Ringing gave me the biggest piece of white coal. Yeah, it'll do wonders for their shop value. I'm sure. You can see that Ringing gave me the biggest piece of white coal you've ever seen. Girls. I think I think an idea where you. White color is a girl's best for it. You go, it's actually very difficult to pull all the carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere, but we can pull one carbon

atom per carbon dioxide thing out of the atmosphere. And carbon monoxide and then we'll have just a flood of carbon monoxide. Now look, that is much better for the environment because it doesn't conduct heat as well. So we don't hold onto the heat and it'll probably kill all the cows. Now here's a problem with carbon monoxide, right? It is a, it's heavier than air, and it sinks down to the lowest point, right? So that's why like in a garage, you're at risk of asphyxinating, if you're down in that well,

where they go down under the engines to try and work on cars, if there's a, you know, it can build up in there and you can die, right? So if we did turn a lot of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere into carbon monoxide, we would sort of basically essentially be flooding the earth with carbon monoxide. There would be a sea of carbon monoxide,

much like rising sea levels. So you wouldn't be able to go to the beach because you just fix it out. And we'd all have to move to higher ground to be above this invisible sea of carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide. But maybe that's good. But I mean, only people,

the last people that I would be the people living in penthouse suites. Yes. But also of course, of course people. Maybe that's good. Well, I mean, you could see why a CEO would come up with this idea. I think this is a great science fiction concept.

And I think one that we should explore on our new Patreon bonus podcast that we're doing, and this is it, we're actually doing this, it's the sci-fi Try Guys, where else are I come up with science fiction concepts. I think one in which there are carbon, there's a carbon monoxide layer that envelops the entire earth and we all have to remain above it. So you can't bend down, you know, if you ever drop anything, that's it for you. Right? You gotta move on.

Or get it with your feet, with your toes. Or some sort of lever device. Sure, doesn't sound that difficult now when you put it like that. But something to think about, what kind of shoes would we have? Probably exclusively gumboots. Or webbed.

Webbed-seek shoes. You can see shoes. Oh yeah, those toes shoes would finally be good. They wouldn't make you look like a dickhead. I mean, I guess the idea that you could, that maybe there had been some global sort of working together thing to make these kind of like things that are like fake trees that pull carbon dioxide out of the air. And it was just a thing that was all launched at the same time. And then they realized that they weren't doing it that efficiently.

And some of them were just creating actually a lot of carbon monoxide. And then people are like, oh my god, these are things are doing a lot. It's killing people. But then you realize that was actually the plan the whole time. Look as the best solution to global warming was to just kill a bunch of people. This episode is brought to you by Progressive. Most of you aren't just listening right now. You're driving, cleaning, and even exercising. But what if you could be saving money by switching to Progressive?

Drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average, and auto customers qualify for an average of 7 discounts. Multitask right now. Quote today at Progressive.com. Progressive casualty and trans company and affiliates, National Average 12 Month Savings of $744 by New Customer Surveyed, who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential Savings will vary. Discount is not available in all safe and situations. People, I mean it is definitely the case that is the best solution. I also had a dream like last night or the night before where we were being loaded onto

spaceships because we were abandoning the planet and going to this other one. Yep. And for some reason I just as I was like time time to get on the thing, I was like, I better go find a book. I think a book would be good to read, and I think we're gonna be like, and I thought it'd be great to get the Hitchhiker's Guide to Galax. And I was like, oh, really?

It's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, the space book. And so this, too. Have you read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? In parts. Yeah. Anyway, and then there was, and so here's two things in this thing, right?

So firstly, I went to the bookstore to go find one. And most people were already loading up into the space. It would have been great driving into the city and that sort of thing. It would have been all traffic. It was actually pretty close. It was pretty close. I was in. Okay. Cool. That's it. And I went in there. It would be like the news agent at the airport. You would presumably have a bookstore quite close by. I love it. You would have the same ideas. Is that what one near the launch side for the space arcs? What was weird is I picked up some books and I was trying to look at them to see what they were and I was opening them up and I was like feeling

this weird fuzzy feeling in my brain where I was like, oh, I can't read the words because I was like reaching the limits of what my dream could achieve. It couldn't show me the details like all the text in my... I think, look, I don't know if this is a genuine phenomenon where like, text and like the written language center of the brain is not accessible by dreams, but that was a plot point in an episode of Batman, the animated adventures of Batman that I saw back when I

was a teenager. I remember it specifically that Batman, there was one of the evil guys in the Batman world was doing some sort of thing where Batman was in this dream state, and the way that he realized was because he opened books in the library and it was all like gobble-de-gook. We had language phenomena. So maybe there's something in this. We now have two data points that might prove that's correct. Alice there's Dream the other day,

and now this episode of Batman from 20 years ago. So. But then, so I couldn't find Hitchhaker's guide, because I think first of all, because there wasn't a lot of written text. But then also I found one book which seemed to be the book version of Totoro. So I picked that up.

And then I went back to the spaceship. And then I realized we were about to get on the spaceship. And first of all, I couldn't find my son and that maybe he had gone on one of the other spaceships and I was like, this is gonna be like a five thousand year journey where we're just gonna live out our life on the ship. And anyway, and then I realized, we could just stay here.

Once everybody's gone. Yeah. And then it occurred to me, I was like, oh, this is what they're doing. They're loading us here so that some people can stay behind. And they can just probably just kill us in space. We'll probably just die up there. There is nowhere to go.

There is nowhere to go. They're just trying to get rid of, just just a population control. Crazy that you're literally the only person go. There is no way to go. They're just trying to get rid of just just a population control. Crazy that you're literally the only person who realized that out of all these duds who are being loaded onto the ships. And the only reason you had the time to realize that was because you thought you better get a A to read on your 5,000 year journey. Incredible that you're smart enough to think to deduce that this

this grand crime but not clever enough to realize that you might need more than one the the book version of Totoro to read I'm terrible at planning and as you get into the spaceship the sort of roller coaster things come down and hug you and you feel secure that's. All the beers and coffee. That's a great ending to this. It seems to be a way a lot of those sort of dystopian things go, isn't it? You think whatever you think the solution is that the government's providing turns out to that, they're just killing people in a big building, making them watch a screen of flowers

or something like that. A rocket would be a good way to do that. You could just, you could just, it looks like a rocket. Right. And then the top just comes off. Which they'd fall the neighboring air. No, no, no, because it breaks escape for a, last any. I think at the bottom should just be like a blender. No. The blender's always.

Extract all the oil. Oil, oil. Yeah. And the books. And the books. Yeah. All the knowledge that comes out of one truth is obviously has a different density.

Yes, really. The density of knowledge. Oh, that sounds like a name of the book. Sounds like a book that would read when the booker prize. And then somehow incredibly right name for a book prize. Light and very heavy at the same time. It's book or just another word for author. Man book. That's why it's called the booker prize. Because a booker is just another word for the person who writes books. Could be a person who reads.

A booker. Now that's a bookie. Oh, that's a book. You just got the book. The world is divided into the bookers and the book. What do you want to be, Alistair? Anyway, I reckon we've got enough sketch ideas now. Yeah, we've got to get the three words.

We need to get the three words from a listener. One of our Patreon supporters. Patreon, well, the three words today come from a good friend of the show, a Tendi, he came and saw Magma. Oh yeah. Number one podcast dude, is that what I was saying? Yeah, I think so. Mr. Harvey Weisman.

Harvey Weisman. Weisman, Weisman, We was saying? Yeah, I think so. Mr. Harvey Wiseman? Harvey Wiseman. Wiseman. Wiseman, Wiseman. Yeah. That doesn't matter. No. I think it's just nice to have your name said multiple different ways over and over again.

So you guys ready for, I think I wrote, I only wrote two of the words down. Oh no, wait. No, I think I've got three of them. I just assumed the one with them was the, here we go. Here's the three words. Only. Yes. Sex.

Shop. Only sex shop. Yeah. All right. I mean it sounds like short for lonely sex shop. Not the L fell off. The last sex shop. The last sex shop. That's a good short story.

It's in a dystopian community in which alabedos have been suppressed by high densities of living. And there's only one sex shop left where the last Randy employees have this sort of like utopia. It was they're trying to revive the human race and one's slowly dying around them. But do you think that sex shops would revive the human race? Aren't most of the things that you would get from a sex shop are sort of a sort of non-reproductive sex in some way? But our libidos are so low, now in order to get us to the point where we want to reproduce, you've got to do the kinky stuff.

We're so numb to it now. It's just got to be the kinkyest, most oddly shaped dildos, strangest pinching, pinching sort of rabbits. So we're all really, possibly we've all become so perverted that nothing can arouse us enough to achieve any kind of intercourse. And this is the only place that has anything kinky enough. Well, their researches aren't they? They're finding the kinkiest thing imaginable.

Maybe what they've done, they're researching. Nothing, everyone's so perverted, we're so free, there's no pressure stopping people from having sex anymore, so people lose all interest. So they'll people, the final sex shop, they realize what they need is to retreat God, to have some sort of prohibition against sex. And that's the only thing they can get. I thought God was going to turn out to be really sexy and everyone would be turned on by God. No, it's an authoritative God who says no all the time. And that's what gets people going again. Amazing. So it's these sexual libertarians who ultimately create God. They create. Do they make him out of Dildos? Yeah, he's fashioned that. That's

the obscene lie of God. Even though he seems like this huge, great big black latex, it's actually just melted down Dildos. Or just glued together with sort of dry lubricant. Oh, could also be like an inflatable sex toy that they somehow animate with the powers of God. Because I think it'd be interesting that we think that we are made in God's image, but what if God has really made an hour image from a sex toy, you know, a sex doll?

God is just a BDSM construct. Yes. Look, I like this. I mean, it's not too crazy, is it? No. No. The 10 Commandments or whatever are just a series of sort of rules from a, what's it, what do you call that person, dominatrix type character?

You know, that you're not allowed to breach or he'll, you'll get smite you. You'll get smite it. Yeah. But there's just, they've just forgot to include the safe word in the Bible. Like if you get too, if you get too much. Yeah. I wonder if there is a safe word somewhere in the Bible, if we could find it. I like crucifixion, that's just another lipid of,

oh, it's very... And it's naughty. And you can see how no other sex shop would have thought of this, because to tell a bunch of people who are not having sex, that they can't have sex, seems like it would be so ineffective. But it wasn't, they didn't, nobody thought of it. And nobody thought of it coming from a big enough person. They've gotta be a huge inflatable person.

God has to be enormous. Yeah, like that. And then they go around, you can't have sex. It is wrong. It is icky. Like that in a people are like, man, this is making me a clown. Yeah. God, fuck and tell me what's it to do. like, and this is making me want to. I can tell me what to do.

Yeah, I reckon money, we haven't done this in 35 years. Condoms can be inflated so much, right? Like that latex, the structural integrity of that is quite impressive. So maybe they would have the technology to build a really big inflatable God. Oh my God. And basically, then it's as once they realize that it works, it's just a set of instructions

that they can send to any like, you know, medical clinic or whatever that has a bunch of condoms, how to tape it together. And light-exclubs. And then people have to like just talk the person who's standing behind the God who's like walking underneath it like a macy's day parade kind of Mickey Mouse sort of inflatable thing. You just have to talk through a fan. Oh, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, and then you just keep inflating God and so it gets bigger and bigger and bigger, looming

over the city until it explodes, right? And there's really loud bang like a thunder clap, right? And then God totally disappears right all that's gone and you're like oh wow what a what a miracle you know we heard the voice of God it was like whoa whoa whoa whoa and then it and then it and then you know there was a loud sound you know a terrible thunder and then he totally disappeared right there was nowhere to be seen like if you what more evidence could you possibly need if the existence of God?

Sounds like the proto-miracle. So. Absolutely. Thank you, Andy. Yeah, we saw it. By the way, I really liked that word that you used in there. Egg existence. Yeah, thanks.

Egg is, it's like, egality, existence, you know? And that's what we're all aiming for. Egality. Egality. No. Is egality, existence, you know, and that's what we're all aiming for. Egality. Egality. Is Egality your way? Oh yeah, that's a- It's like a egalitarian and agility.

You can find, I mean, it recognizes that egalitarianism is the goal, but you have to be flexible. You have to be nimble. Yeah, sure. I feel like Galathe is probably a word, even though I didn't speak there. I think a gallery, because what's a egalitarian, right? It's somebody who believes in a gallery. I, it may be a quality. Yeah, but that doesn't make sense, does it?

No, you're right, it doesn't. Why does it make sense? It would be like the English language to not make sense. Now, a gallery, social and political equality. A gallery. A gallery represents an extreme leveling of society. Egalite. Egalite.

I've always considered myself an egg-alite. Yeah. You are. Yeah, so you're an egg-alicious, a yokey center, but I share it with everyone. I'd love to borrow into you like a horny like a horny marmott like a wolf horny marmott get out of that that's sacs mitt for my chick get out of the yokey sack you know is this where we wrap up yeah no way I gotta run you through the

stages yeah take us through all right we got we got the red mist rose tinted glasses sort of duality from when you get blood in your eye basically, and then that occurs when I guess the, sometimes it makes you really angry, but sometimes, especially if you have a white blood, a high, white blood count cell count, it makes you really positive. And then, so then, and then stuff to do with that. Yep, stuff to do with that. Yep, stuff to do with that. Yeah, and then how to get your... kicks on real. So how to get your...

Okay, how to get your kids to stop picking at their eye scabs with me, Linda. And it's an instructional video where she's talking about how to get your kids to stop thinking at their eye scabs. And then you realize later that the reason why her kids have eye scabs is because it's part of a new beauty technique where you set a sandpaper of the eyes to make the eyes really smooth. But there is another sort of version that is like, oh, now you're finishing. Newton used to create the most beautiful, smoothest lenses

by just using a finer and finer grain of sandpaper on glass to create. So technically, the eye is just like a lens. It is. And so that would also work. You could be done with sandpaper. Also Newton famously shoved a needle behind his eye to poke the back of his eyeball and see

what distortions he saw in his vision. Great way to get scabs, another great way to get scabs. Check the needle back there. In an area where you can't reach them. But there is also a beautiful sort of version of this in which it's a very glossy kind of new parenting type video with a woman in a beautiful white kitchen dressed in linens talking about her beautiful family, but the thing that she's talking about is her children's eye scabs. And I like the contrast between whatever kind of a lifestyle a children will leave leading, which results in them getting disgusting eye scabs, and the beautiful sort of cleanliness and positivity of this sort of wellness video that she's created.

Absolutely. She's a Winath Paltrow type. Yeah. You're absolutely right. Now we have a... I'd love to actually a series of I-scab videos from different women from different walks of life. Um, then we have placebo doctor, which is, you know, it's just, it could be a real thing.

And then someone, obviously, overdoses on placebo and then he has to show up in his placebo ambulance and he uses his placebo defibrillator or whatever and then he saves them. So luckily with everybody's pretending. Yeah. Well, it's all placebo. Yeah. Yeah. None of this has to be sort of approved by the FDA or whatever the Australian version of the

one is done. So I've had to look at these guys. TGA, the therapeutic goods administration. There you go. Yeah. All right. And then we've got middle cattle, which is the first episode of the it's the pilot episode of the agricultural detectors. Um, where, uh, a cow. A cow. A cow, a cow in the middle of a herd, got its belly, not from some kind of borrowing animal. Turns out it was, uh, sort of, uh, it was, uh, sort of a carnivorous, uh, wolf marmot

from when a, um, wolf had fucked a marmot, which there was photographic proof from a polaroid left from a hiker. We tried to take photo of it, then got eaten and then borrowed through. Then we got swap ring fingers instead of buying rings. I think it's nice. I mean, you could either put it around your neck like Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie did with a veil, not a veil, but a vial of their blood,

but you're doing it with a finger, you know. But you could also just stick it on. So a thing is as bad from a dirty doctor, sort of a back alley doctor. Oh, if you want cruelled, because you know how like, some people say rings are bad because the diamonds, the blood diamonds, you're using Congolese slaves.

Maybe you still want some cruelty. So you exchange Congolese children's fingers. Wow, yeah. Or so I was hoping that was where you were going. Yeah, I really thought the cruelty was gonna be the cruelty you've done to yourself. And your loved one. Yeah, but I guess it's probably an improvement because they're only losing a finger this way.

As opposed to their entire childhood. Yeah. So that's actually a real positive sketch. It's actually an improvement. You think that it's a cruel sketch on your psychopath, there's a lot of it. That's just because you're narrow-perspective living in the first world. Or it could just be the high white blood cell. And it also...

Or bloody eyes that are making us... It encourages Congolese children to grow additional fingers. And that's one of the things that's been holding me back from growing. More fingers. Yeah. If there's a market, it'll be filled. Yeah, but so are you saying that when the Congolese children have their finger cut off, they're going to be free? Yeah, they're free. So they're free? Then why are they growing so many fingers? Well, I guess that maybe they

wouldn't be free. They would be encouraged to grow more and more fingers. Yeah, that's the problem. Maybe once you create a demand, you create a market. So there'd be a finger farms. You know what I mean? There'd be children with up to a thousand ring fingers on all the way up their arms. Just fingers all over their bodies. Each one perfectly in line with the heart. Isn't that the idea with the ring finger? Is that one on the thing?

It seems made up. I think the idea of a ring finger, it up. It all sells linked to the like blood from the not perfectly aligned okay when you point your finger in the right way direction then we got the pulling on one carbon atom out of the carbon dioxide when you're trying to remove carbon dioxide and making carbon monoxide which initially seems really successful because the decreasing carbon dioxide

and the minerals. Then all the short people start dying. Yeah, kids. Yeah. And rodents and things. I call them short people. Yeah. Unfortunately, a lot of circus performers on Stealt Survive.

It's the real tragedy. And then we have, of course, the last sex shop, which is the last one to survive because everything was so permissible that everybody lost their horningness. Then we have, of course, the last sex shop, which is the last one to survive because everything was so permissible that everybody lost their horniness and then this sex shop decided to recreate God, reinvent God, using inflatable, sort of, just condoms and stuff like that. And one, maybe that also the last, sort of a balloon animal artist. I think as horniness decreases, the demand for balloon animals also decreases.

There's no longer children to have balloon animals. It's like a secondary effect. You know, you just throw in one market. You take the factory out of the town, then the shops are closing down as well. There's no longer workers. You kill all children, suddenly balloon- I don't know.

Unintended consequences, not much work for balloon animals. You thought they'd be fine. No, well, we didn't think through the consequences. We thought we could just kill all children, and there'd be no sort of flow of effects. That would be where the tragedy ended. But then the balloon animal I had started showing up at Sedolig and we realised what we'd done. This is really truly going to be costly.

I think it's beautiful to think that if in this sex shop scenario that it is a balloon animal artist who saves all of us because you wouldn't have picked it, would you? No. If you would have liked a list of, say, the top 10 professions, most likely to save humanity, I don't think they'd even be in the top 20. Yeah, no, maybe top 25. Maybe the top 25, sure.

Sneaking at 24. Yeah. Balloons that are all artists. So that's the episode. Oh, well there's a lot of stuff. So that's the episode. Don't. Baby, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don Thank you so much for listening to Two in the Think Tank. We really do appreciate it. You can find us online. Where you get podcasts. Yeah.

And where you got this. But this is available wherever you got this. And but first you can track down Angus Gordon here. Where can they track you down? On Facebook. Yeah, Facebook. And so what do you like your post things? Post things are probably like I'll probably listen back to this and then I'll write them

up as if I came up with an independent. Well, a bunch of these you did, you did come up with. So, you know, we could, we could absolutely be 100% okay with that. Even regular people who don't even appear on the podcast. If they want to make something from this, if they have it in them to try to turn these things into reality, these massive ideas. Not just sketches of reality. Yes.

If they have it in to flood the world with the government all the time. Go for it, I say. It doesn't seem that bad an idea. No. No, it doesn't. We've got to do something. We do have to do something, Angus. So, in no, it doesn't. We got to do something. We do have to do something, Angus. So it's a piece of act.

Yeah, it doesn't matter what action we do. Well, it is for, I would be happy with this. Just, yeah, so many just, this is what, so many people said we say about the climate debate in Australia, it's like, look, the industry just needs certainty, right? So, okay, fine, well, this is certainty. We're going to be flooding the world

with carbon monoxide and all the industries like thank you. At least we now we can work with this, right? That's what business needs. Mmm. Enough with the flip-flopping. You know what business hates? Quantum physics. Oh, they would hate quantum physics. Oh, absolutely. This is why small business, right? But like at the quantum scale is so difficult to pull off because of all the uncertainty.

This is the uncertainty. I mean, surely a newtonian scale, small business works. So this is what a lot of podcasts, when they end, that's where the jokes start. This is when we fucking get going. Oh yeah, these are jokes. There's no doubt about that. Oh, I think these are funny,

but I've maybe the general public disagree. This is absolutely 100% pure think tank. Are you just that Angus Gordon on Facebook? Angus Gordon on Facebook. Controversially I have used my own name. Yeah. Great. Are they just befriending you as a person or are they following your page?

Follow the page. And also you can follow me on Twitter at real-angous scored. I don't tweet on any more. It's been taken over by a bot that spans LinkedIn. Proviles? Really? Wow. But very funny, I think.

I mean, it's great that some of us can't get that back. And you can't get that back. I can't get it back. I've tried. Not very hard. But I also am. I think it's sort of a work of art. But if you got in touch with Twitter,

does Twitter go like, nah nah nah, we think that this is the real account. Yeah, they think it's this. This bot spamming LinkedIn profiles, that seems legitimate to me and you are probably the fraud. Because I changed email. It was on my old email, and I can't remember my old email password. So they can't get in some done.

And I was, do you think you might have clicked a bad link at one point? Well, I was probably trying to network. That's a, and then, and then, I'll link to it. Maybe it's actually a part of LinkedIn. Feels like the kind of garbage that they would have on there, right? Yeah, I'm, I'm just, you know,

and not even all the comedians, just anyone. Yeah, great. It's sending LinkedIn profiles off. And do you have a podcast? Or do you have like a secret podcast that's gonna come out one day? Many secret podcasts that will, it's, you can't plug them because they will never be released. But if you meet me, I've appeared on an episode of your secret podcast.

What if I say, it was fun. Yeah. Why don't you say, could you just release all the pilot episodes of the podcast that you've tried? We talked about recently. I was on an episode, I should plug it. I was on an episode of Primates, which will probably be coming out this week with Angus, Matt Stewart's podcast. We recorded it in Matt's car, as we gave me a lift to Belan.

Yeah, and I've appeared on Primates once before, or even three times, and you can go and find that there. It's an excellent,, primate based podcast. And I was also on an episode of Bookcheek, which will be coming out soon. I imagine with Dave Warnocky, so check out all of those things if you're not already to probably much more successful podcast than this one.

And I've also just read a book and never told anyone about it before. What it was, it was the book of Totoro. It was the Bible, the greatest book. Have you really read that recently? Yes. Wow. Job's my favorite book in the Bible.

Yeah. Just bad stuff happening to Job. I love it. Yeah. Get a little shard and Freud. Do you feel like God's logic checked out in that scenario? Like looking back on it, right? Do you think God was on the right side of that whole joke scenario?

I think he just got talked into it. He's talking to the devil and I was like, well, let me have a shot and God's like, yes. The thing is, you're forgetting, the devil is probably badgering God, 24, you know, like a child in the back seat. Sure, sure, sure. I want to destroy the life of one of your followers. Can I have a chocolate like in the supermarket? And sometimes God is just going to be sick of the nagging. Right, you get worn down, don't you? You just get, alright, fine. Just for the peace and quiet.

Destroy his crops, kill his children, and then also give him boils. That seems to be for Joe on equal level. The other thing on the cake. Boils on my... I mean, I gotta read this thing. It's all good my... I mean, I gotta read this thing. Oh, it's all good stuff. I mean, I haven't read it. It's a great book.

You can piece it together from Simpson's references. Not enough comedy is done about the book of Job. And his name is so close to Job as well. That is funny. I do like that. I remember the first... I was introduced to that watching the first mission in possible movie. And... Really? Yeah, they referred to... That's one of the passwords he's trying to find or whatever. I remember the first, I was introduced to that watching the first mission impossible movie. And, uh, really?

Yeah, they referred to, he, that's one of the passwords he's trying to find or whatever. And it's like, he talks about, and it writes, Joe, but it's spelled job and you go, when that's stupid. That's why it's, this whole movie is full and apart. Yeah. Steve Job was so successful because he, job was in his name. Steve Job. Steve Job.

And you can find us on Twitter at Two and Tank. I'm at Stupid Old Andy. And I'm at Alistair TV. You can support us on Patreon if you want to give us, you know, a couple of words, three words or whatever. Yeah, or eight dollars, you can get all the beef bonus episodes. Bonus episodes, you get, you know, sci-fi try guys, where we come up with science fiction concepts and Alistair,

both of you and I have got to write a science fiction episode, a short story, a science fiction short story before the next episode. And you know what? Haven't started. Oh man, I'm sort of writing a movie the other day. Oh great. Based on the thing thing, it's the idea. Fantastic.

And we love you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. I mean, if you want, it's up to you. Hi, icons. It's Danny Pellegrino from the Pop Culture podcast, Everything Iconic, and I love Nordstrom. No place better to shop, particularly during the holiday season, because they have everything. They have holiday decor at Nordstrom. No place better to shop, particularly during the holiday season, because they have everything. They have holiday decor at Nordstrom.

They have cozy cardigans from Barefoot Dreams, my fav. They have cold weather attire, party attire, plus free shipping and free returns. Free store pickup. You can also purchase a recycled fabric gift bag so your item arrives festive and wrapped. So check out Nordstrom this holiday season, a one-stop shop. You can explore more at Nordstrom in store or online at Nordstrom.com.