Two In The Think Tank - 189 - "JOYJACKING"

Episode Date: June 25, 2019

Company Last Names, Late Expectations, Romantic Antics, Mob Cemetery, Aide and Abetz, Joyride, Hijack, Jame NameHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereDeep, alluvial apologies to George for my hack production of this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit Planet Broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Hello and welcome to Tourie the Think Tank Lee Show, where we come up with 5 sketch ideas I'm Andy and I'm Alistair George William, Trumbly virtual. And Stone Me Broke, it's a bloody good to have you on the prog or an how the light form how delightful you know what a what a time we're all having here on this hunk of rock delightful which is to remove the lightfulness oh my god I hadn't thought about it that way right and then de Deloitte, which is to fill something with the employees from the company Deloitte, which is what we did at the audience of one of our shows at the company, first of all, Magma. Magma, 35 Deloitte consultants. Andy, remember how recently we

said, we said no to somebody who is offering us an opportunity to film magma and then we and I was like we were like we won't be able to afford this. It occurred to me recently that that whole thing will be tax deductible and so I could just pay for it. But how does that work out of step because I don't think tax deductible means you just get all of that money back. It doesn't matter. You get a lot of it back and then that makes it much cheaper. How much do you get back, Erekkin?

Well I know, but then the film itself will make money. Sure, but I mean, well, look Alistair, that's a delightful offer. But I think it's not only tax deductible, but it's also just like a cost of doing business. So I think it's not only tax deductible but it's also just like a cost of doing business. So I think it will just be just a cost of doing business, like losing friends, just a cost of doing business. With all my strong opinions. So there's a chance that in some number of months there will be a recording of magma. It's very exciting answer. I'd like to hear that. Let's talk about that some more in another forum. It's a shame that you can only claim as a business expense, money that you've spent, and

not money that you've foregone, which is exactly the same as spending it, like money that you've just never earned by, say, not working harder or not promoting your show properly or not trying, not working. Like, surely one of the biggest, one of the biggest business costs is the one where you decide not to work.

Lack of effort. Lack of effort, right? Why can't I write that off against my taxes? I can claim as a business expense the cost of all the time that I spend working at home. I can claim my rent. Yeah. I'm like, surely a bigger business expense is all the time I sit around at home not working. That's right. Is there a way that you could repackage the idea of not working and not putting in an effort as something that sounds like something that where you would get a loss, you know, like where you could get that money back? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Well, you know,

it's a, it's an opportunity neutral Something rather investment you know, that's right. It's it's done to sound good, isn't it? It's right opportunity neutral Mm-hmm amortized You know, you sit amortized amortized AMO RTI SED Well never said it loud before and I don't quite know what it means But it's a thing I've seen on tax forms. Right. A more time. Amortize the cost, which is something to do with spreading things out over a period. Yeah. Period.

That's time. Oh yeah. Period of time. Not a period of space. No. No. Now, if you want that kind of thing, you've got to listen to our other podcast. That's right.

The sci-fi guys, which is it. It's one of the bonus episodes. Yes. Or what's the new name? Pretty sci-fi guys, which is one of the bonus episodes. Yes, or what's the new name? Pretty sci-fi two white guys. That's my wife Carly suggested for what we could call it. And I tell you what, it's a toss-up at the moment. I don't know why we can't do the both. You know, like when two sci-fi podcasts. Well, I mean, well, that's where I'm heading anyways. Like when you're naming a child, do you get in there and give them a first name and a middle name? Why can our podcast have a middle name? That's right, but also what's his name?

That is surname. You know that movie Dr. Strange love or how I... Learn to stop worrying and love the bond. Yeah, you know, it's kind of, it was, I was, it was a toss up between two titles and he just went, I'll just call them both. Even both, yeah. Or, 12th night, or what you will. Really 12th night. Was it called what you will?

What you will is another little, yeah, for a guy who was a writer, couldn't decide what name. Would you, would you call Shakespeare a writer? What? Which instead of him to be a writer? Yeah, I guess so. I guess so. But really, your job is just making decisions.

You would think. Well, no, that's all it is. Yeah, OK. Because I mean, that's all I need to go, what's going to happen next? What's going to happen next? And then you've got to decide. What words will I use to describe it?

I mean, yeah. Start with the, you know? Some of the decisions have been made for you by the structure of the language. Yeah. But he didn't have as much of that even back then. So he had to sort of decide how the language was structured. And he was making up words. So he had to decide from an infinite number of possibilities.

Yeah. So you'd think you'd be able to decide what to call the play. No, maybe he did. Maybe he decided to call them both things. You're right. But what about this idea of things having a middle name and a surname, right? Yeah. Like, that really only applies to humans and then maybe some pets. Yeah. Right. But I think that maybe we could expand it to businesses. Sure. Why can't Coca-Cola, and maybe they do already have a middle name in the same way,

we just don't know. Sometimes you find out somebody's got a middle name or like an extra middle name or something you even know about. So Coca-Cola, that could just be its first name. For a middle name? Could be Coca-Cola, that could just be its first name for... First and middle name? Could be Coca-Cola. Well, our Coca-Cola Amatill. So maybe that's a bad example.

That's the Australian version. Oh, really? Yeah. So that's not real Coca-Cola. Well, it's... It is real. Like a little... It's a wing.

It's a wing, yeah. I don't know what Amatill means. I think it's something to do with the cans. I think amatill, uh, something to do with whoever makes the cans. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you got to have both. Not just the Coca-Cola. Okay. So let's say, so what like Kentucky fried chicken. Yeah. Okay. Great. Kentucky fried chicken. Johnson. Eric Johnson. Uniclo. Mm-hmm. Barry Johnson. Exactly. And then you can find out what families all these people are are a part of. And then you can find out what families all these people are are a part of and then you can find out which ones are related Related and which ones can't have sex. How would you make a company have sex with another?

Well, I guess some sort of a merger. Oh Yeah, but then it would have you'd have to have a merger then an merger and then a merger again You would and then an e-merger and then a merger and then they have to and then I sort of a bit of joint venture And then and then one would sort of like a tremble. Trimble. Like a shake. A shake. And then... How would a company tremble? Earthquake? Yeah, okay. Put their headquarters on a fault loan.

All right. Well, I think there's something there, and maybe this could be something of the A-triple C, they're the only ones who know all the names, all the full names, right? The Australian Competition, Consumer Commission, because they're the ones who decide whether or not companies can have a merger, right? Or, you know, if it's any competitive and all that sort of stuff, and they tell us it's for all these reasons, but really we find out that it's just because they're related, you know, we just don't know their surnames. I don't know why that would be kept secret for us,

you know, why the middle name, maybe they're just embarrassed. Maybe they don't want us to know that they're working together as a family. Yeah. And then what would be the effects of this? Like, I don't know. It just seems like a funny thing to put out there. Yeah.

Like, if it were to be a sketch, it would literally be cutting to a person standing in front of a slideshow. And they were saying, not a lot of people know that companies also have middle names or last names. Fridges have last names. Fridges, sure. Fridge Brown. So the fridge isn't really just called the fridge. It's called Fridge Joan Brown.

Yeah. Joan, I went with my mum's middle name. Really? Joan. Joan, you don't get many Jones these days, you know? J-O-A-N. J-O-A-N. Yeah, and Joanne.

No, no, no. Joan. Yeah, J-O-A-N. Mmm. Joan. But do you think that like all the names that drop out of circulation? Yeah. Right. What do we do with those? Like, uh, Marmaduke. But do you think that like all the names that drop out of circulation? Yeah. Right?

What do we do with those? Like a Marmaduke. Yeah like Marmaduke. Now there aren't many Jones, but I reckon there are even fewer Marmaduke. Yeah, well it's actually Arvan Marmaduke Jones. Arvan Marmaduke Jones. Yeah. I think that like, you know, so, but, but, but like as it all

took, as a different thing to look at, right? The idea that when these names drop, drop down out of a certain level of usage, like, should they be officially retired or can they be, then repurposed into, like, like, like, cemeteries. How long are we gonna wait with just cemeteries that get full and just full of dead people and have like really good real estate in the middle of the city? Like, how long do you have to wait before you're like,

all right, you can bulldoze it now. Yeah, it can only be a matter of time. It's like, it's sort of a, it's, somehow I feel like c Cemetery's live on some In some ideal where it's like owned by the mob or something like that. It's the only way that they can hold on to that That land some sort of ideal I mean, that's the dream. No, but I mean like like they are owned by the mob is what I was trying to say Yeah, they must be owned by the mob is what I was trying to say.

Yeah. They must be owned by the mob, and then they're just like the, I guess the idea behind them is that this is just a way that you can justify sitting on this land while it makes loads and loads of money. Right. So you think that they've got the,

they've tried to, they've found a good scam for a way that you're allowed to hold onto this land you fill it up with dead people and then everyone's like oh you can't do nothing with that yeah but then slowly but surely people's families move away like you know like people's families no longer get buried there so people don't care about it as much really I mean maybe that's what the flower thing is really about, right? Like once the flowers, once no one's leaving any flowers, sometimes you go past the cemetery and you're like, oh, there are flowers there and you look a little bit closer to their plastic

flowers. Like do you think that the ghosts can tell? You know, the families that were losing plastic flowers, the ghosts just didn't come out. They don't look too close. They would be, they would, you can imagine them by that would feel a bit disappointed. The ghosts. Well, once they realize, yeah, which could be immediately, I mean, you know, they might be aware of all things

at all times. Ghosts. Yeah. I mean, they'd be aware as soon as you make the decision, maybe, that you were going to buy a plastic flask. You're going to buy the plastic flask. They start their sadness then. Maybe they start the sadness, the moment that you're born

within the knowledge that this is going to be a plastic flower guy. They can see into the future and so maybe they just feel constant sadness. It's you know and that's the afterlife. Yeah, it's constant sadness. Constant sadness. You thought oh at least death that'll alleviate me from the Constant sadness. Constant sadness. You thought, oh, at least death, that'll alleviate me from the pains of feeling bad. But all that comes with you, not your body, not your money. All that comes with you is the ability to feel sad and disappointed. Well, I've got to tell you that if I were to do a survey of all the things that have stuck with me from my life, probably the things that I do remember the most strongly are the times when I was sad. And if you're going to take that to the logical extension, if there's going to be anything

left when I'm not dead, that's what it'll be. It'll be that. Yeah. I mean, you've shed most of your skin. I have. I have. If you're listening now, I've shed most of my skin. You know, you you barely wear any of your children's clothes anymore. So the sadness is all that remains. That's who you are. With it away. And so that might be your soul. Sadness. Yeah, maybe souls are made of sadness.

Yeah? Yep. So... Did I sketch in that? I mean, look, I think there's a sketch in the idea of the departed being disappointed by plastic flowers, especially because you assume that that would trick them. You would. Yeah.

But I mean, even just like stuff on what the expectations of the dead are. You know, like how would you bother complaining? Like you've got an eternity. Like are you complaining that people aren't constantly remembering you? And then, you know, like, what do you think that the responsibilities of the living are towards you? How long do you want that to take on for? How long can we stop?

Yeah. Right? There needs to be, if there is, if there is an afterlife, right, if I was God, I would have put design things so that like ghosts don't interact with us at all. Yeah, which it doesn't seem like they do. except that on every tombstone, there's like a little litmus, bit of litmus paper or something, like one of those mood rings or like one of those muglet changers color when you pour hot water into it or something like that, right? That, but it just shows you whether or not you can stop. Right, and is that the ghost who... And then you have a really good reason to keep coming back and checking the tombstone?

Because you want to know if you've been You can stop coming back to check the tombstone. So I begot I'd be visiting all the more Heaps more if there was if I knew that there was a chance that the tombstone would tell me all right. Yeah, we're done here I think that's really good and you go and you know,, maybe a little, I don't know what it is. Little flag like on the letterbox. I think that's a good system as well. And then you could check it from the car park. You sort of peer across, you feel like, oh, the flag still up.

Maybe it could just do it through a smell or something like that. If it could just emit, just like, you know, smell of raspberries. That means keep coming back. Smell of poop. Means I'm done. I'm done. Finished. You go to the the cemetery, you have a big sniff, a big sniff, scratch and sniff headstone. That's a good idea. Right, that way you're not going to get it confused with the whiffs from the ones next door. No, no, no, you gotta get your nose right up in there. A big sniff.

You gotta get your nose right up in there. We sniff. And if it's poop, you like, that's a really good sign that I'm not going to come back and sniff this headstone. Exactly. That's what they're saying. Go away now. I'm done. The smell of the dead.

The smell of the dead. I've been given my, you know, I've been released. Because really, we think about the unfinished business of the ghosts and the ghosts needing to be released and move on. No they just hold on to a shit. That's what it is that's the business. That's the business, the unfinished business. But you know it is a modern time, how long is that? It's so modern this time. It's a modern time, like it could probably be done with an app. But they, you know what this is?

Like they're getting alert and you can like, you can stop grieving now. They said, they said it was a modern time, like the 1920s. They were like, oh, everything, everything's so modern. Let's call this modernism. Yeah. I think we need a new word. Then modern. And postmodern's no good, because that's sort of like,

it was going chronologically and then it sort of went off to a left or something. Postmodernism really doesn't really mean things that come after modern, necessarily, just like sort of different. Yeah. Just looking at stuff or weird, not doing it. Did you know that like the romantic period, has nothing to do with

like romance right? Do you have the romance? Yeah. Yeah I might have known that. People always are like yeah Romantic. Are you looking at some of these paintings? I'm like this is a Romantic at all. Not one of these ones stuck it up on the wall my wife. It's a demon devouring the corpse of a Yeah, I did child. I said word. It's romantic. It's romantic. Kiss me honey And she does but you know anyway, that's why I want my money back. It's false advertising I'll spend $750 million of this at Sotheby

Some fucking I don't, I don't know, I don't know any of the romantic painters. Very caravagio. The card? That's gonna write romantic. Order alacard. Alacard, what does that mean, Alistair? Like, from the card?

From the... Alacard, that's it. Like. It's a way that you can go into a restaurant. Like it's some sorts of restaurants. You can order I like art. I think it's just off the menu. Like, so when you say off the menu, you mean something that's on the menu. On the menu. You order it off the menu. But when you order off the menu, that's something that isn't on the menu. You order it off the menu. But when you order off the menu, that's something that isn't on the menu. That's right. But you're ordering it and taking it off the menu and giving it to the waiter. Right. But it's still on the menu. Even when you take it off, that's the difference. Right? When you order off the menu,

you're ordering something that's on the menu and it stays on the menu even after you take it off. But if you order something off the menu, you're ordering something that's on the menu and it stays on the menu even after you take it off. But if you order something off the menu, then it's never on the menu. You're referring to food that can be ordered as separate items rather than as part of a set meal. So you go, I'll have, oh, I'll have the asparagus as an entree, and then I will have the pumpkin as a main. And then I'll have, you know what, I'll have some zucchini as a dessert. But they make this seem like it's classier, right?

But in some ways it feels like you're doing more work, right? You've got to work out all the bits and what's going to go together and stuff like that. Who? It's a decider. You need to be a writer you need to be a real Shakespeare you need to be a real Shakespeare who am I Shakespeare just tell me what I'm eating yeah well ordering so yeah anyway so anything in that what we talking about before we talked about otherlocart, worrying Elocart. Off the menu on the menu. Off the menu on the menu.

We're talking about ghosts in the sanitary, telling us we can move on by some kind of signaling. Yeah, yeah, we wrote that down expectations of the sad, dead, smell of the dead. Yeah, great. Yeah. But I like your idea that all the cemeteries are owned by the mob. Because, you know, if anybody knows how to bury a body,

it's going to be the mob, right? They're professionals at this. I mean, when they first started doing the cemeteries, of course what they would do is I would get you to drop off the body rolled up and then I've got a great idea. And then they never never never know where it was. Sorry you tell me a great idea. Well it's a it's a marboned symmetry. Cemetery. Yeah. That is just a I mean look it's... They're not saying explicitly that we are the mob and we own this.

But they've just... They've just taken one of these water towers that are in the middle of most cities. And it's disused since the piping system's gotten quite good. And so they've just turned this into a tower cemetery. High rise? High rise, like that that and they just take your body up and then you sleep in, you sleep in there with the fishes. You know, so I mean it's like

people might you know want that as an option, you know, there's no, there's no water burial at the moment. Yeah, right. I mean obviously you'd cut it off from the proper water system, but maybe that's the problem that occurs in the sketch. We've got to have a problem. Is they forgot to cut the water off from the main? Sold these corpses that they're dumping into the water tower, leaching into the water system. People are drinking the dead. Like when you open up a

cattle and you realize there's a huge dead huntsman spider in there? Yeah it happens all the time. It happened to me once and so it means that it's something that's fresh in my mind at all times. Well when I was growing up a possum died in one of our water tanks and the water tastes it's a taste of real weird so yeah. How long until you realized, do you think? I was pretty young, so I have no idea what the timeframe was. It would have been a couple of weeks, I reckon, probably. I thought, you know, when we lived in that warehouse, and that water was brown for about the first year.

And then it came good. And then it came good, and it made me think there was something in there that we were just drinking. Well, we got it all out of the system and into our system and then filled it out. And I guess all the brown just wound up in our kidneys or something like that. Yeah, I mean, it's still in there somewhere. Yeah. Anyway.

Because I mean, when the urine comes out, it doesn't come out brown. So the brown, stay in here. I think a mob cemetery is absolutely a thing, right? And whether it is this, oh, but I did think that while you were talking about bearing them in water, be great tie into our international waters sketch, right? Which is basically, it's illegal to bury someone at sea, but what if you went out and got a whole lot of international water? By the way, if this sounds familiar, you might have seen it on Conan, but we came up with

this idea first. Right? You can go back in the podcast and you can check. It's on the record. It's on the record. We came up with this idea, then somebody on Conan wrote that sketch and they performed it on Conan, but then we're coming back to it now. And now doing another sketch, Andy wants to do another sketch based on the idea that we came up with that Conan did. Yeah, but this is based on ours not based on theirs. Yeah, right? So Andy Richter is playing this character in our sketch. Yeah. No, you go out into the ocean, you get a bunch of international water, you come back, you dig yourself a little little

grave pit, fill it up with the international water, chuck the corpse in there, they can't get you for nothing, they can't touch it, right? You're immune. To what? Wait, from what? I don't know, say you murdered somebody. Yeah, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just don't want that to be exhumed, you know, or tops of your whatever. But you still murdered them on normal land though, on the, on though. You only just dumped their body at sea. What? There's nothing to stop them going yet again, I guess. There's not even jurisdiction copper.

You can't investigate this body. No, I can. I'll just get a long stick. Drag it out. You know, with a hook. You know what I'm driving it on the back of my trailer with this international water pool. And the corpse floating in it. You can't, you got nothing on me cover.

But yeah, you know, corpse mob symmetry, you drop off the body in the middle of the night and they'll make it disappear Right you don't have to worry about it. Make your grandpa disappear. Yeah. Yeah Be good if they the mob actually did offer that I mean I guess maybe there is people who offer that that Service which is you know, it's not we're not a hitman. Hmm. We're not hitman which is, you know, it's not, we're not a hitman. We're not hitmen. We're not murderers.

But after you have... But after you kill somebody, you want somewhere to put the body. That's a service that we offer. We can make it disappear. I eat in a bit. I eat in a bit. I eat in a bit. I eat in a bit.

John I eat and William a bit. I eat in a bit, right? And it's a buddy, it's a and abetz, right? And it's a buddy, it's a buddy criminal duo, right? But, you know, like much like Mr and Mrs. Murder was a show about crime scene cleaners, who clean up crime scenes, but also investigate crimes. These are two guys who will come after you have committed a crime

and help you sort of clean up the mess. Yeah. Right. And um, what's just this both of the bodies? And in a way, they're, they're, they're a part of the crime, but they're professionals. They're very much like the the wolf from pop fiction. Yeah. But there's two of them and they call they are the bats. Right. in a bit, right? I like that they don't do house calls, right? They can only do, you can bring stuff to them, and then they can get rid of it. You know, they got a nice property somewhere. Yeah, sure, sure.

Pig farm. You know, maybe. Now it's like, no, they raise, they raise guinea pigs. You've got to stop referencing other movies It's guinea pig fun. Okay, and they got they got Acres and acres of guinea pigs, right? And then they can they can make it they go. Oh, no, no, we never yeah

We would never feed it to our guinea pigs. Those are our pride and joy I'm a beautiful boys. They're my beautiful boys and they're all boys or our pride as a joint. Am I beautiful boys? They're my beautiful boys and they're all boys. We kill them as children if they're born women. Okay. I don't want these things breeding and getting out of hand. No, that would be tragic.

No. Instead I just murder all the, half of them are born ones. Yeah. Anyway, so wait, I do like Aiden Abadds. Wait, Aiden Abadds. Can it be presented as quite a jolly sitcom type thing? Yeah.

I'm thinking like Rosemary and Time is another one. They're horticulturalists who investigate crimes. See, it's great. These are guinea pig farmers who... Commit... ... who dispose of bodies, organs. Sure. You know, maybe they could dispose of... Every now and then we'll do an episode that's not about a murder,

to prove that we got range. Yeah, absolutely. Arson. Arson will dispose of a burnt forest. Yeah, or Caravan okay, so they just deal with crime scenes and they clean them up for you I don't do like that. Yeah, but not clean them up like they're the police. They work for the exactly bad people is there is there a Anything we can add to it to make it a little bit funny or just off the bat?

What is the, you know, do they, because you know, only shows all the ones that are about investigating crimes, they'll somehow be in a scenario and they'll interstate, you know, like in your, Agatha Christie's that, you know, Miss Marple, she's always staying at the hotel where people are murdered or something like that. Or it happens to know somebody who knows somebody and she's involved like that. I mean, could it be that there are a couple of freelance criminals who just always happen to be around when a crime is being committed and then they wind up falling in with the criminals and helping them solve their criminal problem? Well, I guess maybe the story is in with the criminals and helping them solve their criminal problem. Well, I guess maybe the story is in with the criminals themselves, you know, because you know,

they're these people, they're clearly, they're been out of their depth. Yeah. You know, and it really humanized criminals. Murderers. You know, like, you know, people who murder and people who do horrible crimes. Hmm. Hmm. Great. Now, that's a good spin on it.

I didn't realize we would be humanizing murderers. Yeah. God, I'm so tired, Alistair. Sorry, yeah. I've got to stop. I was like, I don't know what it is. Yeah. But I can't get through a full podcast anymore without becoming exhausted

Yeah, right do you think it's because we're doing this on the back of a bonus episode? I think it's because we're doing this right in the middle of the day when you're exhausted The middle of the day It used to be that if we did the night I was exhausted I know that I move it even earlier and That was the first one that was a joke in my in my no Andy. We technically five, so we could just move on to our three words sketch. Sure, I mean, it'll be a super short episode, but it's probably good that I mean, if you're going to get out of here, I'm so tired, Alistair. And who knows how long

it'll take to wrap this up. Yeah. This episode is brought to you by Progressive. Most of you aren't just listening right now. You're driving, cleaning, and even exercising. But what if you could be saving money by switching to Progressive? Drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average, and auto customers qualify for an average of 7 discounts. Multitask right now, quote today at progressive.com. Progressive casualty and trans company and affiliates, National Average 12 Month Savings of $744 by New Customer Surveid, who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential Savings will vary, discounts not available

in all states and situations. Our three words come from our Patreon supporter, Pupu Bumbum Man. Okay. That's a pretty recent addition to the Pupu Bumbum Man, or is it Pupu bum bum man. Okay. That's a pretty recent addition to the... Pupu bum man or is it Pupu bum bum man? Oh, you're right. It's so it's Pupu first name. Or Poe Poe. I'm not sure where it's from.

So they could be like Papa New Guinea and there's something like that. And then it's bum bum man. It could be bum bum man. That's nice. I think they're my parents. We're looking at our genealogy in Scotland. I think there was one poopoo bumman. I mean a bum bum. It was like, I think we have some connection

to the bum bumman claim. Yeah. The tartan. The bum bumman. The tartan, The bum bummon. Yeah, the tartan. The bum bummon. Um, there's three words. Can't wait. Are police? Mm-hmm. Criminals. Okay. In Commodore. All right, so it's two guys who clean up crumb scenes. Alright, so it's two guys who clean up crumb stains. Now, I do have a thing about like, you know, old model Ford, a holden Commodore.

How old are we talking here? Sort of like 90s, right? They seem to be exclusively owned by criminals. You reckon? Yeah, like, if you are ever near one, if you ever used to see a car driving a bit erratically. And it's a whole and common. You could put a bit down that it's probably a whole and common.

I think they're also one of the most stolen vehicles. I've definitely seen a lot of them. Like when you see cars on the side of the freeway, and you're like, what's a car doing there? And then you drive up closer and you're like, oh, somebody's taken off the number plates and one of the tires is first. Yeah, but I think that they must only steal them

from other criminals, because I think they exclusively, they're the only people who have them still. Now, this is what I want to know. When people steal a car and go for a joy ride, why do they have such a limited spectrum in their mind of what constitutes joy? That's true. There you go. It's always just driving quickly. It's driving through red lights, it's doing burnouts. That brings me joy. You know what I find joyful? It's been in times of my family and my kids. Absolutely. You know, nice glass of wine in front of a warm fire.

I think we have had a car race where that happens. Really? It sketch, yeah. How on earth have we already come up with this? Because that's exactly the angle we take, almost all the time. Is it? Yeah, like it's like where the point of the race

is not to win, but to have the most amount of fun. I'm sure, sure. But this is totally different. This is it. You're in a car and you're getting joy, but not out of driving it, out of like learning an instrument. Joy ride. But the ride is always considered the part where you're driving the car. Mm. What if you were riding something else? You know, like letting it ride on a, you know, playing craps or something.

Um, joy ride. I know, I, something, something flashed across my brain there for a second and then it's gone away. Joy ride. Could it be Beethoven's sister Joy? Oh, from O to Joy? From episode one of the podcast. From episode one of the podcast. You know O to Joy? Wig Van. Wig Van.

Wig Van. Wig Van. Yeah, it could be that. Could be that. But then of course then it sounds like you're talking about riding joy which I mean in my mind was just she's on all fours and you're sitting on her back and you're saying Like that. Go faster, Joy! And they took it for a joy ride. It. I knew that's a bit rude. Oh I'm so sorry. I mean, do not, she's a human being. No, well, I mean, they still stole a car, right?

But then they put it on the back of Joy. Oh! And they made her crawl around. But they did in such a way that they experienced true joy. The true joy of reuniting with a lost family member. Or getting the validation of their high school English teacher, you know. Yeah, true joy. I mean, I can see a movie called Joyride and it's set in a car, but it's a bunch of

hooligans who pick up their sick sister joy and they try to show her the meaning of life before cancer takes away and it could be through crime. I mean, it could be, yeah, it could be this about like, you know, maybe look, she doesn't have to have cancer. But maybe it's the straight sister who broke the cycle and became a lawyer, right? She came from a very poor family. Yeah. Her three brothers.

It's actually quite a compelling film, Alistair. Quite interesting, isn't it? And she's, so she became a lawyer, but now they're going to teach her the joy of crime. It's like how Stella got her groove back, but with crime instead of groove. And it turned out that being no longer being poor and being educated didn't bring her happiness. That's a good message. Yeah. Right. It was the intergenerational poverty and this is in grain, this is in grain. And criminality of their existence.

Yes. That actually brings with the true joy, because, and the lesson is, you can't change who you are. I love it. And in grain inequality exists for a reason. That's right. Yeah, because the people who have less, they, even if they don't know what they're doing, they deserve it. They want it. They want it. Yeah.

Ah, that's so good. Yeah. Can this movie Joy Ride be a sequel to another movie that we're going to make called High Jack? Yeah. Right? Which is about a rich family. And that's actually quite good, right? Rich family, they're all in a car, right? And then they get high jacked. But there's one of those situations where the high jacker jumps in the car and steals

the car, but there's still people in the car, right? And then they go on the trip of a lifetime. Yeah. Right? And the guy's name on the trip of a lifetime. Yeah. All right. And the guy's name is Jack. Yeah. Yeah. Or somebody in the car.

Somebody in the car's name, yeah. Or the car's name is Jack. Perfect. What's its surname though? Oh, Martin's. Martin Roberts. Jack Martin Roberts. Jack Martin Roberts.

It's my first name with an S. Yeah, those people who said they got two first names, one of the names got an S on the end, I'm like you don't. No, nobody pluralizes a first name. That's right, so that's a surname. Stop trying to do this. Stop being a part of the first name's gang. If you surname is just a surname yeah yeah if it's going to be a surname except for James

all right that's the only first name that ends with an s right and that's the only one that I'll give you right so if your name is Matthew James I don't actually give them that. I think that they have a last name for a first name and it should be James. You know what? It actually should. James. It's satisfying to say. Yeah. It rolls off the top. James. It feels like a word you have to kill. Yeah. It wasn't it. It wanted to go, I wanted to be something else, and you were like, no, you swallow it. You be what you're supposed to be. Shame. Really, it's the same message as the movie Joyride.

Mm. You just be what you're supposed to be. Don't try to be fancier than you are. Adding an S, making yourself sound like a last name. You written down both the movie Joyride and Half-Life Jack. Fantastic. Yeah, those cast by the side of the road. I always want to go and look in them. Do you ever want to go and look in them? I always imagine there's going to be a shit in there. I mean that's part of I mean, that's part of the joy.

That's part of the joy. Yeah. You got to, you know, because what you're stealing this car, okay? You want to do some burnouts, they're naughty. You want to, you know, Because it smells bad. That's naughty and yes, the jaw roads, they smell bad. What else smells bad? Doing a shit. What else is naughty? Shitting in the road. That's naughty and yes the jaw roads they smell bad What else smells bad doing a shit? What else is naughty?

Shitting in the car. That's right. It's the ultimate and that's how they bond They bond back together all in the backseat there. There's a scene where they're They're all sort of crouching on the on the backseat together all four of them doing one Like shit just like old times. Maybe it's maybe dad's car, their deadbeat dead's car. Mmm. Really good. Those very... and maybe there's two in the front as well so that they're not, you know, if you're doing it to your deadbeat dad, who really can't be blamed really. Maybe that's the lesson as well. He can't be blamed because he's just being who he is. Yeah, and he secretly wants it.

Unless they consider him a deadbeat because he went and became like a surgeon or something. Yeah. Do you think that the, the, the shitting in the car, they shit in the car and then they walk away? Is that like the big final scene? Yeah, well maybe they laid it on fire. And then they taught you.

Yeah. Yeah, but then it kind of takes away from the, do you hear my stomach just then? Yeah, I thought it was an engine revving. Yeah, but then it kind of takes away from the, do you hear my stomach just now? Yeah, I thought it was an engine revving. Yeah, it was. Okay. I call my stomach my engine. Yeah.

I mean, but torching it really feels like it's kind of, then it takes away from the shit, really, doesn't it? All right, well how about this? More symbolic, but films are all about symbols. What about this, though? In the hijack movie, where where the family where it's their car Yeah, I think it would be nice if they bond with the hijack and then it like this has been more meaningful They bond with the hijack and they realize that all property is theft anyway, so it's not even really their car

Right because they're that wasn't your stomach that was my stomach that was a car driving past I refused to believe it yeah they realized that all property is theft and that they're their privilege and their wealth and having this car is you know it's just part of the sort of the intergenerine the your stomach is making the most insane noise I'm sorry. This won't be able to pick up any of this, but they are generally just car sounds. Yeah. Um... and so they realized that they've stolen the car as well just by owning it. Yeah. And so they decided to do a shit in their own car and then they tortured with the hijacker.

And then they tortured and said, oh man, we're not sorry that one, okay? And then they tortured themselves, sure. Um, yeah. And then maybe after these two movies come out, we could do a crossover movie called neither Joy Jack or High Ride. Or High Joy. Or High Joy. Or High Joy Jack Ride.

Joy Jack, Joy Jack is fine. Joy Jack is quite nice, because it does feel like a joyjacking. It's where you leap into somebody's car and you take them for a fun little trip. Yeah, or you leap into their life. Yes. Like joy when she leapt into Jack's life. Well, that's actually a bit like the plot of Dead to Me, which is as Netflix. Really? And they watch me tell Kelly. It's quite good. It's about a woman who gets into somebody else's life

and makes her happier for a while. But then there are twists. Oh no. I just thought it would be good forever. No, no, no. It's funny because it wouldn't bring you joy if the thing was joyous the whole time. Not for you.

Not maybe not. No, not for you as the viewer. Right. Yeah. When you make things better by making them worse out of the setup, it's the best thing that I ever learned from a podcast I listen to about screenwriting. You're right. The characters make your story better by making life worse for your characters. Okay. That's interesting. Well then, there's not much chance of things getting better in this companies and things have lasted. We're just making things so much better for them.

I'm going to run through the sketches. Yeah, please do our last day. Oh my god, oh my god. We have expectations of the sad dead and the smell of the dead. So, you know, how complaining all the dead are and once they're like, ah, wasn't it not good? The kind of flowers I'm like, oh, those are plastic flowers.

I'm so disappointed. But then when we've created a way of communicating with us, which is just like, either it's like a mood ring or just a smell that you scratch and when it turns from strawberries to the smell of feces, then that's how you know it's over. Yeah, I mean, there's a way of doing this that makes it less supernatural where it's not actually the dead who are communicating with us.

It's just where every tombstone has some little thing where after a certain amount of time is passed, it goes ping or changes color and then you're like, you know, you know, you have to be part. Yeah, well that part, but I think the part where you were talking about how the expectations of the dead and how they're like to just complaining about how we're not remembering them enough and stuff like that. Anyway then we got the romantic painting guy who bought a romantic painting I feel like a demon eating a baby and he's disappointed that his wife isn't turned on by it. It's fantastic that that got written down.

Yeah, then we've got the Mob Cemetery, which in my mind is still just a big water tank. They offer you the system of water burial. Water bath. Yeah, you can also rent it out for water baths. Because of right now get buried you get burnt. Things like that. Why not just decomposing some water?

That's right. Why not just sort of go soggy? Yeah, and then just have your bones just rest at the bottom of the of the water tank. Yeah. And all your flesh at some point enter into the water system. And then be drunk. Be drunk by people. Liquify the dead to feed to the living.

My favorite line from the matrix. Yeah. Then we got Aiden Abetz, which is a movie about guys who to people who help clean up crime scenes but for the criminals. Then we got the Joy Ride film, which is about remembering who you are and never changing. Yes, and accepting that you're poor because you deserve it. Yeah, and the high jack is a film about a hot, somebody who steals a car while there's other people in it and then he takes them on a journey of a lifetime. Yeah, it is almost the opposite film in some ways. The message is the opposite.

So is it like a rich person who steals a car from some poor people who stay in there? No, no, no, no, they're still rich people but at the end the rich people realize that that their wealth isn't deserved. Yeah. Maybe everyone should be poor. There you go. I mean, Andy, there's plenty of countries you could go to where that's the case. I think there's still some people to reach.

James is the real first name. And that's a sketch. That's a full sketch. And once we make people realize that you don't pluralize a first name, it's been a huge mistake. Well what do you think about the name Jess then? Oh so yeah no I don't consider it Jez that's been pluralized. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, on the iTunes e kind of Apple Podcasts thing. If you want to keep doing that, we love that. It's a spark of joy in our lives.

Sure is. You can always support us on Patreon if you like. There's been a bunch of people joining up. I think people are trying to get into and listen to this sci-fi try guys. We just recorded the second one. And it's good. We both liked it.

We both, yeah, we both felt some satisfaction. Yeah, that we're getting it done. I think my endings could be a little bit stronger. But Alistair, all the, you know, it's very, very close to any of that story. Great. It's almost close to being perfect. All right. Um, and, uh, yeah, I'm a, I'd keep it all dandy. And I'm at Alistair TV, we're at Two in Tank, and we love you.

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