Two In The Think Tank - 19 - "THIS AMERICAN LIFT"

Episode Date: August 23, 2013

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Well, okay. Oh, man, when sound level testing turns into... To do an intro for the podcast. Welcome to Doing the Think Tank. My name is Alistair Trombley-Birchall. And I'm Andy Matthews. And we're pleased to meet you. Good to have you on down here. Yeah, so we're going to be coming up with five sketch ideas today, and it's going to be mighty fun.

sketch ideas today and it's going to be mighty fun and hopefully after this we'll still have some time to hurt a person and and get in some roughage roughage and do some farm work yeah or do nothing because I'm cooking up meth. That's the South. I'm sorry, everybody. In the South.

The rest of you can go fuck yourselves. I'm still being a person from the South. Yeah. Because they only care about their own. That's right. And I'm sorry.... I'm sorry. Now I'm sorry. Now I really have been.

Now I'm sorry as a real person. Mm-hmm. Cool. Cooking up meth. Cooking up meth, yeah. Cooking up meth. Meth kitchen. Yeah, the meth kitchen.

So is there a sketch in that? Ramsay's Meth Kitchen Nightmares. My Meth Kitchen Rules. sketch in that? Ramsay's meth kitchen nightmares. My meth kitchen rules.

I mean, that would actually explain his yelling and swearing and stuff much more.

Yeah. Yeah. Fuck! Fuck! Look at his plies! Yeah, you would think he was,

what he was cooking up was for the mob, needed to be done by a particular time. I want to come up with another ready, steady, cook meth. And

Jamie Oliver, the naked meth chef. I'm not a meth cook. I'm a meth chef. I would love if those guys called themselves chefs. So you cook meth? Yes.

I'm a chef. Oh. That's very pretentious. Do you have any Michelin stars? You know, because also there's that kind like brand of people now around who own restaurants or cafes and stuff like that and they just really care about the coffee or the food and stuff like that right that's the brand of people that's a brand they're a brand of people yeah it's like no but you know there's there's like old school kind of like look, I've been doing this for 30 years. Good. And I care about technique and things like that.

My family. And my family, they do it. Yeah. And there's always that style of kind of like chefs. And that's fine. That feels natural. But then there's all these, because that comes through a tradition that comes through like kitchens where there's 27 people and they got abused for years.

Exactly. Kitchens where there's 27 people and they got abused for years. Exactly. Kitchens where there's 27 people. Yeah. They've got a reason because they were in a kitchen with 27 people. Yeah, there's 27 people and they started at the bottom

and they had to work their way up. Each different person, the person who peels their potato, there was initiation for them and they smack them around. So you can understand why they love it, because they've been abused. No, no, no. It's Stockholm Syndrome.

These are the people who don't necessarily love it, they've found out about technique the hard way. They've had it beaten into them, scalded into them with a hot ladle. Yeah, yeah. And so if there's any reason why they love it... They've had technique beaten into them with a copy of Stephanie Alexander's... What's that massive book? She's got that huge book. Is it... Kitchen Companion.

Stephanie Alexander's Kitchen Companion. Kitchen Companion. Yeah. Because it doesn't leave a bruise. Not like when you hit them with a rolling pin. Yeah. That must have been really great when that came in for chefs.

When they finally had their own version of the phone book that they could wail on apprentices with. Yeah, exactly. And so there's them. And then there's these little independent guys who just come out of nowhere. Maybe they've done a four-year apprenticeship, and they just love food. They just so into it.

Come out of nowhere with their four-year apprenticeship. Then they open up a restaurant, and it's all real intricate stuff. It's just because, yeah, look, we take these leaves. This is a grass that reindeers eat in Finland. And I've just sort of... You've got to snatch it out of the mouth of the reindeer. Yeah, and then I bake it, and then I shake some confectionery sugar over the top,

and then I put it in a plant pot, and then you have to just eat it with your hands tied behind your back. Yeah. Anyway, I wonder if there's that kind of guy for meth cooks. Yes.

Yeah. Guys who just like, no, no, no, this is not just meth. Although maybe, maybe I'm describing, I might actually just be describing,

Breaking Bad. Breaking Bad? Breaking Bad. I think you are. Guy comes out of nowhere, he loves chemistry. And I just accidentally invented Breaking Bad. Breaking Bad, which is a great show. So congratulations on all your awards. Alright, our first sketch.

I'll write this down. Breaking Bad. Look, I'm going to put that as sketch zero. That doesn't count. Oh, good. I think it'll be fun at the end when we remember that we said that. That we came up with Breaking Bad. When we mention the sketch that doesn't count.

Yeah. But Breaking Bad. Yeah. Okay. But you flip it around. Okay. So it's a meth cook. Yeah. Okay. But you flip it around. Okay. So, it's a meth cook. Yeah.

Who winds up in some other field and is really, really good at it. Yeah. Okay. So, he becomes, say, a chef. Okay. It turns out that he's really, really good at it and his food is really, really delicious because he puts methamphetamines in it. So he uses the things that he learned from cooking meth.

Which is putting meth in it. People love meth. Yeah. And then he becomes a, yeah, look, I can't see, yeah. Okay. So people are loving his restaurant. Yeah. But they're having these pretty big angry comedowns from him. Just give me some more of that goddamn fucking roasted banana.

I mean, the food would probably be pretty boring in the end. It'd be really standard stuff. Well, it's a roasted banana, but he just basically takes, peels a banana and then just throws it into the oven. Yeah, and then shakes some meth on it. And then when he takes it out of the oven, like, ah, ah,

and puts it on a plate, he just pushes some crystals of meth into the banana. With his finger. Yeah, with his finger. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Banana. With his finger. With his finger. Because he doesn't really know anything. Yeah.

He just knows people love meth. And his restaurant is a huge success. Hey, look, all I know is people love meth. Like, it's essentially what people do with MSG. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that's what it is. It's basically, it's a guy who instead of getting a, I mean, this is, it could go so many ways, Andy. Yeah. It's like a, it could be a place that they thought they're buying a big old bag of MSG. Because this MSG, does it look like just like crystals? Well, I imagine it would just look like salt crystals or whatever. Anyway. But they accidentally buy a big bag of meth.

SG. Meth SG. Yeah. Oh, it's MSG. Meth small grain. Small grain meth. Small grain meth. This is getting into advanced meth lab.

Yeah. Class. Class. I think my brain stopped. Oh. Now, so is that a sketch, the guy? It's like, could we call it just like, because it would have to just be called sort of like Breaking Bad, but in reverse. Yeah. Like that's like.

Cooking. Yeah. You could do it like almost just as a... Fixing fine. As like a preview for this TV show. Yeah. This September. What if it's... What if it is like the sequel to Breaking Bad,

after Breaking Bad's finished, he goes from being a meth cook to being an actual cook. Yeah, or it's one of the many people he inspired. Yeah? Like along the way. Like a spin-off. Yeah, because along the way, people would have seen him being such a great meth cook. We could have a small character, a bit part, who gets their own show.

Yeah. Because, okay, you know, this is how people get into things. Either they see somebody who's, like, let's say, I want to be a meth cook. Let's say. Yeah. Okay. Now, either I see some, I take some really terrible meth or I meet a guy and I see him making meth and I go, ah, I could make better meth than that.

Right? Okay. Yeah. Or you see a guy who's like really. and I go, ah, I could make better meth than that. Right? Okay, yeah. Or you see a guy who's like... You take some meth and you're like, ah. This is blah. I could do better than this. Yeah. Or you see a guy...

I'm going to finally get off my ass and start that meth cooking business I've always been talking about. Yeah. I'm going to have... I'm going to put in nice little packages. It's going to be really nice. You know what?

Like those little gingham bags. You know, people always go, the clear bags. Why are we... Calico. Come on. Calico is so beautiful. Just that... You know, that cheesecloth, you know, and a little ribbon.

Yeah. Okay. Make it look... Or put a little... Like, is calico like a rice bag or like an old kind of like mesh? No, it's just like a sort of a heavy... Yeah. I'm imagining like a mesh kindico like a rice bag or like an old kind of like mesh? No, it's just like a sort of a heavy cotton. Yeah. I'm imagining like a mesh kind of like old rice bags.

It's going to look really vintage. Yeah. Like we're having like sort of like meth like they gave to the Nazis. Yeah. Yeah. What? I think the Nazis were on meth. Anyway, I don't know.

They're on some kind of amphetamine and that's what I think they also were kind of starting to get a bit All of them? I don't know Look This is second hand From somebody who told me They heard a triple J

Story about it Right Anyway And but Okay Or He sees An amazing meth cook

And he takes the meth And he goes I want to be able To make meth like this. Like that. And then he, I don't know, starts making meth, but he's not really, you know, he's really, he's good at like the making part of the meth, but he's not like good at distribution and promotion and things like that and getting to know people.

And you got to know the big guys. Yeah. You don't want to get killed and murdered. And he's just doing it for the love of it. Yeah. But then, and then he kind of falls out of it but into cooking. Yeah. You know, food.

Food. But he uses what he's learned from the meth industry and he starts pushing crystals of meth into a roasted banana and the different types of low quality foods that he makes. Yeah. And the other way you can get into meth cooking is you can get cancer. That's true. Yeah. That's the third way of getting into meth.

There's always a third way. Or you're really poor and your life has been complete shit. Difficult. Difficult people. People, your parents have been meth addicts maybe? Possibly. Possibly. Or at least drug use has been like a big part of your childhood.

Yeah. Upbreaking. And either your friends come to you or your dad or your mom and they say. Or someone that you owe money to. Yeah. Upbreaking. And either your friends come to you or your dad or your mom and they say... Or someone that you owe money to. Yeah. Yeah, or someone you owe money to. And then they go, hey, let's cook some meth. And that's the fun way to get into it.

And then you... Because then you've got a real reason to do it. Totally. You download a recipe off the internet and you go to the public library. Right? You say, look, I just want to use this

for 15 minutes or whatever. And you go there and you download the recipe and you start, okay, then you start collecting flu medication.

Right? Going to different places and you can only get two packets at a time. Ah, so you've got to get a team of people on board. You have like a bunch of...

But, like, whatever the... Like, how do they make the flu medication? I mean, that's not like a... So you're saying that they've got pseudoephedrine somewhere. Well, you've got to go to the source. I would be...

Like, the true chefs would make their own flu medication, I think. And then break that down and make meth. Yes. Well, I think maybe that's the part that... What's his name from Breaking Bad does. Right.

I mean, I've only seen the first season. I've seen the first episode. Okay, yeah. But it's that he's like, oh, he doesn't need to use... Like, he doesn't have to go this fucking roundabout route that these people do. And there are a lot of roundabouts on that route. Like, it's very difficult to get to the chemist. You have to go through Canberra.

And it's in Yas. In Yas. In Yas. There's a lot of flu medication in yass. In yass. You just gotta go, hey man, what's that up your ass? The flu medication? Cool.

Because I need it. I needs it. To make meth. Okay, and now we just need a name for the Breaking Bad spinoff. Which is? Chef edition. Okay. Which is? Chef edition. Okay. Which is?

Okay. Fixing Fine. Fixing Fine. Fixing? Opposite of Breaking. Yeah. Fine. Opposite of Bad.

Okay, I know, but we could be like Fixing Food. Great. Yeah. Fixing Food. Yeah. Great. The Breaking Bad spinoff. I don't think they'll mind if we soil the name of Breaking Bad.

And then we could also have a really, really short sketch, right, which is called Ramsey's Meth Kitchen Nightmares. And he's just lying on the floor scratching at his skin, screaming, there's bugs under there. Yeah. All right, Ramsey's, it's in there. Ramsey's. It's in there. Ramsey's. Meth.

Kitchen. There's fucking bugs under there. Right there. Duh. That's the kind of like, this thing kind of skits to, I think, someone like, you know, Comedy Inc. might buy. Yeah, there you go. You know, maybe we could sell it to Wednesday Night Fever.

Guys. Guys. It's topical. Yeah. Remember Gordon Ramsey? Yeah Ramsay from about two years ago? Maybe a bit more. Maybe more. Well, and do you remember meth? Yeah.

From whenever you last heard about that. Meth. From meth. You might remember me from Meth And Other Street names

We got a little liquid up here on the On the podcasting mezzanine Alistair Today we We're double cupping it Today we We're two guys Four cups That was another

That was an alternative name for For the podcast. Two in the think tank or two guys, four cups. Four cups. Yeah. Well, you got to have a cold thing. It's a cold beverage for hydrating and a warm beverage for hydrating. Two guys, one cast.

Yeah, one cast. Oh, that's good. I had a great moment in an elevator recently about when I was carrying two coffees. Great elevator moments. Yeah, great. Great moments in elevators. In elevators. You're listening to great moments in elevators.

Our first great elevator moment comes from Alistair. Alistair, take us to the next level. Well, I was at work that day. I think it was probably in the middle of the winter. I had asked, I'd been in the office and I'd asked if any, and sort of up on the fourth floor, I knew that there was a coffee machine that you don't have to put any money into to get coffee out of.

So I said, hey, guys, anybody want a cup of coffee? Now, one other person had said they wanted one. So I grabbed their pass and I went into the elevator and I went upstairs and I grabbed the two cups of coffee. And on the way back down, there was another guy in the elevator. And on the way back down, there was another guy in the elevator. Mm-hmm. Right?

And. He said. Avoiding his gaze, as you tend to do when you're in an elevator. Mm-hmm. He said, double parked, mate. Isn't that? And I said, yeah, I got a habit to feed. Something like that. And so, and he had a little chuckle.

And then the door opened. And I made my perfect exit. And that was my story. That was a midwinter's elevator tale. Yeah. From Alistair. You're listening to... Whatever the show name was.

This American Lift. You're listening to whatever the show name was. This American Lift. Alistair, you did it. I know. I know. I did it. I did a word play that pretty much fit.

I'm Ira Great Glass Elevator. I'm Ira Glass Elevator. All right. We're just going to write that down. Great American lift. This American lift. I don't think we would necessarily do that story. I mean, there could be better stories. But it's all stories in an elevator.

Yeah, well, I actually think that's like a really fun format for a tiny little play or a little scene is something that just happens in an elevator because you've got, you know, beginning and an end and then you've just got to fill that time with something or other. Yeah, which is, you know, that's essentially what entertainment is. It's just filling the time in between the beginning and the end. Of life. Of life.

Of life. I'm Ira Glass Elevator. You know, life is a lot of ups and downs and, you know, opportunities opening up. Stories. You go up stories. Yeah. Stories. Oh, my God. This is perfect. Stories Go up stories Yeah Stories Oh my god

That's perfect We're gonna go to the first story now And And wait And act Act No No

Yeah right Sorry No Al Oh A story Yes Oh Oh And it works on so many levels Sorry. Noel. Oh. A story set. Yes. Oh. Oh.

And it works on so many levels. Thank you and goodbye forever from Two in the Think Tank. Yeah. No, I think, well, that's technically from a Tim Vine joke, but, you know, he's like, he said something like... Crime in multi-story car parks. That's wrong on so many levels. Also, Bo Burnham had a line in one of his songs,

which was, I fucked a girl in an elevator. Or I fucked a fat chick in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels. Right. Let me just say that here at Two and the Thing Thing, we do not think that that's actually wrong. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. And if there's... If it is wrong, it's only wrong on one level. Yeah. And that is the level of you having sex in an elevator. Yeah, that's true. Oh, and the other level, which is that you're referring to someone as a fat chick. Yeah.

other level, which is that you're referring to someone as a fat chick. Yeah, and also that the elevator goes across many different stories. No, but also that the elevator has been calibrated to make sure that it is flat and the ground is in... Floor? Floor of the elevator or the ground. You could have a gritty elevator ground. I've got one of those earth floor elevators. It's just tamped dirt.

Yeah, it's just when those guys, when the guys who love elevators get into that business. You know, little elevator tattoos on their arms. It's an artisan elevator. Yeah. Grounded elevator. Mm-hmm. Anyway. Anyway, the fucking elevator is level with the floor.

You know what I mean? It's not at an angle. That's what I was trying to say. Why is that wrong? Why does that make it wrong? Oh, yeah. Well, it's... What you're doing is wrong on that level. Level ground.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, you guys can't see, but I'm nodding with pride. This American lift. Great. I mean, I think it's just a nice format for little, you know, for just little stories or ridiculous stories. It's both parody and... It's a format. It's a format.

You're listening to the show where we try and come up with five formats. Five formats. I mean, look. You know, there's Vine. There's Twitter. You know. there's Vine. There's Twitter. You know. This American Lyft. This American Lyft.

It's going to be big, guys. It's going to be big. You download the app. You buy the elevator with the building around it. You get in there. You get in there. And you either film it through the security cameras or we're going to allow you to also bring your own equipment. Because that's the freedom of the form.

It's a free form. Free form. Open source. Yeah, free form, this American lifting. Okay. Barbecue. BBBQ. BBBQ.

Yep. We're at a barbecue okay and uh something about ribs uh-huh yeah uh good okay uh you know how did you know this this is an awful fact and if you don't like awful facts don't listen andy you're in luck because i fucking love awful facts okay have you seen this thing that happens you go to a park you use their barbecue that's there right you don't clean the barbecue you leave some little bits of meat on there or whatever you go away the barbecue is. Pigeons or seagulls come fly, land on the barbecue to eat the meat. Their feet get burned off. Okay. And I have seen seagulls with no feet, just little stumps and also also, yeah, pigeons. And they bounce on their stumps. How fucked

is that? Really fucked. It's pretty fucked. It means they're not going to be swimming a shitload. Or at least not very fast. Exactly. And that's probably the saddest thing of all. They're probably only still going

to be able to fly, fucking master the skies. How about you just be happy with that? Yeah. What, you've got to be able to walk and fly and swim seagulls? Yeah. And free meat. Do you know how much we have to work to get meat? Like a job, okay. Seagull.

Like even if you were just a regular gull now, because there's no real point for you to go out to sea. Out to sea. It might be difficult for him to take off off the sea with stumps. Yeah. Anyway. So rib. They should really be called air gulls

Air gulls, that's true All birds should be called air birds Yeah, and sea gulls should be what fish are called There you go Sea gills And humans should be called ground gulls Ground gulls I'm just a land gull

Just trying to get by Yeah, just a And marmots They're subterranean gulls Dirt gulls Dirt gulls Yeah Cave gull

Okay yeah Tunnel gull Tunnel gull Tunnel gull Moles are tunnel gulls Yeah Moles and marmots Alright so we're at the barbecue

No hang on Okay I like this guy Who thinks everything Is a different type of gull Yeah Okay Like

For some reason Reclassifying all life As a From as like Variations on gulls. Sure. And like why would he be doing that?

He's called Seagull Dave. Okay. Or gull. His name is gull. No. Okay. I mean you can call him Seagull Dave. Yeah.

But he's referring to... And then he thinks that means Fish Dave. Oh, yeah. That's right. Yeah. Maybe it's Gulliver. Gulliver. Yeah.

Oh. Gulliver. After... Gulliver. Gulliver. Gulliver's travels. Yeah. And after he went traveling, he did some classification.

He worked in taxonomy. Yeah, he became a biologist, worked in taxonomy. There are only two things that are sure in life, death and taxonomy. Yeah. And he started classifying things. Yeah. And he released a book called... Gull lover's...

Guide. Guide. He released a book called... Gull Lover's Guide to Gulls. All life. Gull Lover's Guide to Gulls. And the Circle of Life. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, ribs. Ribs. Okay, I know, but wait.

Why does he do this? Yeah. Is he just trying to simplify? What if it's a guy, right, who has lived all his life on, like, a desert island? Okay. So he only knows gulls. Yeah. island okay so he only knows gulls yeah and and then he gets rescued shore okay so and gets given the job of chief taxonomy of the kingdom okay so I think just you know just to make this to attach this to the culture and the

history that's already existed. Remember the movie The Blue Lagoon? Yeah. What's her name? Barbara Streisand? No, Brooke Shields. That's the one. Brooke Shields and the other guy. BS. That film. Yeah. What a load of BS. I'm pretty sure they had

a baby. They figured out how to have sex. Which, I think because they figured out after the old man died, they figured out how to have sex. Which, I think, if nobody had shown me, I would never have figured out. Not even close. I don't know how dogs

know how to do that. Anyway, that's for another time. They have a baby. I don't know what the ending of that movie is. Maybe they get saved. But in this... It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those.

Goal tenders, no. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those. Goal tenders, no. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region.

See app for details. Alternate circumstance. They don't get saved. The parents die, and it's just... That kid. That kid, yeah. And then all he knows is...

Gulls. Right. Then he... Like a kingdom, some kind of kingdom. Island kingdom, let's say. But it's a big island, like Australia or something like that. Okay.

Or North America North and South America I mean technically since the invention of the Panama Canal the invention yeah yeah they invented the canal

guys check out what I just invented the Panama Canal oh mate that's already been invented oh man shit has it been patented

no I don't know quick to the patent office Oh, man. Shit. Has it been patented? No, I don't know. Quick. To the patent office. How will we get there? There's this landmass in the way. We'll use the canal. Oh, the Panama Canal. Has anybody got a boat?

Yes. Okay, great. Get on. Okay. Drive! Drive the boat! Which way to the paint now, hoose? It's in such a rush. Maintain that level of rush the entire time. Eat breakfast! Does anybody want a cup of tea? We've got to get to the painted office Hi mom I'm just on my way No I'm good

So Okay People say if you want something done Give it to a busy person But they don't say If you want something done Give it to someone in busy person. But they don't say, if you want something done, give it to someone in a hurry. Because then all our CEOs would say like this, Okay, welcome to the annual general meeting.

I don't really have much time, but here's the graphs of this year's expenditures. Don't give things to a person who's rushing. Yeah. Russian. He's a Russian oligarch. Wonderful. Nothing's complete until you can come up with a great pun title. Yeah, a great pun title.

Don't give things to a rushing oligarch. Yeah. Alright, the thing I was going to say is that since the invention of the Panama Canal, Yeah? North America has been an island. It hasn't. Eh? It hasn't.

It hasn't? Well, the Panama Canal, it's not just like one channel of water. Isn't it? No, it's like, it goes up. It's got all locks and stuff. It goes over mountains and things. Really? Yeah.

So like, so they have to like lift boats? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd be amazing to go watch. Yeah. Want to go to the Panama Canal? Yeah, let's go. All right, see you later. See you later.

Quickly, go to the Panama Canal? Yeah, let's go. All right, see you later. See you later. Quickly, go to the Panama Canal. To the airport. Also, okay, but yeah, all right, so he shows up at this island nation, and they make him Chief Taxonomer, because the Chief Taxonomer had just died. Yes, right. And they're like, oh, this is perfect. You've arrived just in time. We have a vacancy. Yeah.

And the only thing that this kingdom has everything, right? They have sports. They have a kingdom. They have all the, you know, culinary culture, right? But they don't have... They have taxonomy and, culinary culture, right? But they don't have...

They have taxonomy and things like that, right? And what they don't... And they have science, right? But what they don't have is education. So they don't understand the concept of following a path of learning and then, you know, and then growing and becoming knowledgeable in something and then you get the position of chief taxonomist and they just go

oh my god this is perfect our chief taxonomist just died and he is a guy a guy and then he goes oh thank you and then he just starts pointing at animals that he sees and then he gives starts pointing at animals that he sees.

And then he gives them a different type of gull name. Yeah. Seagull. That's a fish. Land gull. Land gull. Tunnel gull. Over there gull.

He kind of saw a creature. It was sort of midair. Like maybe it was like a guy eating a guinea pig. Because even some cultures, they do that. That's okay. Thank you. And he was just discarding it. He was discarding the carcass. Right there. Just as he looked,

out of the corner of his eye, he saw that, and he sees this just this sort of partially eaten guinea pig. Tumbling through the air. Tumbling through the air. Over their tumbling gull. Free fall gull. Free fall gull. Free fall gull from a medium height. Because, you know, then he has to start getting more specific. This is a thing in philosophy.

Yeah. About how we come up with the concept of things. Like the concept of a dog. How do we come up with the concept of a dog from the individual dogs that we see? How do we create the form of a dog? How does our culture... What is required for that mental processing?

And this guy doesn't do that. Well, he does. Every time he sees a guinea pig in free fall, that's a unique guinea pig in free fall that deserves a different name. Absolutely. Andy Gull. Al Gull. Kingdom Gull. Podcast Gull.

Podcast Gull. Cup of tea Gull. It's just like, you know, the way the Japanese... Eagle gull. At the end of people's names, they put san. I don't know if that's a thing they do, but at least that's what they do in Iron Chef. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And when I see something happen in Iron Chef... Yeah. I assume that about that whole culture. Yes, I assume they all eat their capsicums raw. Eating it as a hand fruit. Yeah.

The capsicum. A hand fruit. Hand fruit? Or hand gall. That's where he watches Iron Chef and he sees the guy bite the capsicum and he goes, Look at that land gull, eat that hand gull.

Look at land gull's son eating that hand gull. Son? Yeah, and he's also the son of the land gull son anyway yeah so none of that gull stuff

is a sketch is a sketch that's fine none of it it was it was just a little it was a thing that allowed us to talk for a while

and carried us along yeah and it got us to a couple more sketches don't give things to guys in a hurry oh I just wrote don't give things

who's rushing. But, you know. Yeah, yeah. To a guy. To a guy. Or a girl. You know, because girls rush sometimes, you know. This could be the guy.

Okay, remember the guy who sees, who, the fireman, my wife is a fire Firewoman Yeah And From another sketch right Yeah yeah So sorry We came up with a sketch

In a previous podcast Where a guy Is talking to another guy And the guy Guy one says My wife is a firewoman And guy two Imagines

That she is a woman Made of fire And imagines Their entire life together Okay This Russian one could be the same guy. Someone mentions that their CEO is Russian, and he imagines everything with this CEO who's in a big rush.

And then the guy says, oh, so he's in a big rush. And then the guy says, oh, so he's in a hurry. And the other guy's like, no, he's from Russia. And then the guy's like, oh, and he imagines the guy's entire life again. In Russia. But...

Yeah. Just wearing a big furry hat. Yeah, he's rushing again. But in a, like a... Drinking vodka. That's, that's totally doable. Yeah. It's totally doable.

This is the imagination guy. Yeah. This is the guy with an imagination. Right? Yeah, guy with an imagination. Guy with an imagination. Do you want me to actually write that down? No.

Okay. There's a, there's an element of that, though, that I feel like if, I don't know if, this is a weird thing, but if you, I wonder,

because the Russian, Russian joke has been done so much. Hmm. Has it? I don't know. I feel like it's been done a bit. It's been done a fair bit.

Right. I think. I think, like think I've seen At least more than one person Do it on stage In these amateur rooms Amateurs Yeah

Was that me? No Because I did that joke I don't think so Okay I don't think I haven't really witnessed You do that much comedy recently

Oh Witness Yeah witness Bear witness Can I get a witness? Can I get a, witness. Bear witness. Can I get a witness? Can I get a bear witness? Your Honor. But, yeah.

Anyway, I think what I was going to say was, I wonder what, you know, like sometimes when you start a gig and then if you do a joke that's like, everyone's like, ah, like that. That's fine. That sounds like a bear again. You know, you do a joke that makes them go, ah, like that. Like a bear. Like a bear.

You bear witness. Yeah, but they're actually, they're like a discouraged bear. Yeah, sure. And then you feel like they're not going to be with you. They're worried that they're Russian. not gonna be with you i worry that they're russian they do that okay fair enough um i realized a funny thing that i should have said yeah uh when you said i haven't seen you do that much comedy recently i should have said but you've been at heaps of my gigs and then you could have said, yeah. Yeah. All of them. That's entirely correct. Oh, I've watched you perform loads.

Seen you on stage. Yeah. Doing things. I've seen you at comedy rooms. Yeah. On comedy nights. On comedy stages. With a lot of comedians.

Performing to audiences. Yeah. Performing to a comedy audience Yeah As a comedian In the guise of Under the guise of And yet I haven't seen you

Perform Comedy Much comedy And then I could have said Oh Well you should Come to more comedy. And then I could have said, oh, well you should come to more of my geeks.

I had an idea then and then it disappeared. But you know what? It's worth just saying that. What about a guy who's a recreational health and safety officer?

Oh, because, yeah, because some people have to do it for work. Yeah. Yeah. Occupational health and safety. But then, you know, there's recreational health and safety. He just does it for fun. It's just a hobby. While people are, like, blowing bubbles.

Yeah. He does it, like, whilst blowing bubbles, and he goes, uh, just to be safe, I'm gonna have a... I'm gonna rope you off there. Yeah. Just stay back, this can burst into your eye, and... That sting carries quite a wallop. Mm-hmm. Quite a wallop.

A walloping sting. Yeah. And, uh, or... Or he actually just goes to Workplaces For fun Like it's like a weekend thing He goes to Because he's got weekends on

And he's dressed casually He's got shorts on Yeah And he goes In a Hawaiian shirt Shouldn't you be wearing a helmet? RHNS This is RHNS

Yeah This is RH&S Yeah This is an RH&S briefing G'day guys Sorry it's more just my first week doing this But So Hey Kevin come and listen

Come and listen Sorry mate I know look I'm not very experienced But Alright It would mean a lot to me Yeah So

You guys do sawing here don't you Yeah And Do you guys do sawing here, don't you? Yeah. And do you guys wear protective gloves when you do that? Yeah. Is that a thing that people have to do? Yeah, we do. Yeah? Okay.

Well, actually, that's all the audios I have for this week. All right. Well, look, I'll come back either this afternoon. I've had a lot of fun. Yeah, this has been actually really good. It means a lot to me getting the chance to be out there. Thanks, guys. Thanks for your attention, everybody.

Kevin. Kevin. Yeah, I was just saying thank you for your attention. All right. All right. Ta-da. Hooray. Or... It's... Yeah. It's Yeah

It's not a good idea Fucking hell Come on buddy Look We technically only have to get one more Oh Great Well

Is it great? I mean It's the end of it It's gonna be the end But I mean look We're still far away You know One more idea Could be Is it great? I mean, it's the end of it. It's going to be the end. But I mean, look, we're still far away. One more idea could be... Guys, that could take us ages.

Yeah, that could take us fucking forever. Yeah. We might never get that idea. Yeah, so who knows? Let's see how long this recording device can go. Let's push it to the limit. These ideas are never guaranteed. It's not a thing.

So this could be, that could have been the very last idea, could have been don't give things to a guy who's rushing. There you go. Oh, quick, got to come up with another idea. Okay. Okay, yeah. All right. NASA. NASA, yeah. All right. NASA. NASA, yeah.

Right. Something to do with ribs. Okay. They are pushing the limits, right? They're always trying to push the limits. With space. And people say, you know, why are we trying to explore space, okay? The real frontiers are the human soul.

Yeah. So what if NASA does that? Start sending a spaceship into the human soul? No, they just focus on self-reflection. They just try to... Guys, we want to find out who we are before we try. Yeah. We just think there's so much to be discovered here on Earth.

We're going to just fix all the problems at home before we start exploring space. Exactly. So we've built a robot with six wheels. Yeah. That allows you to talk to your fellow man honestly. Yeah. You get it. The Earth Rover.

Yeah. And you go up to people and then you go, The Earth Rover. Yeah. And you go up to people and then you go, I have a lot of sadness that I don't reveal to you usually. And it's regarding decisions I've made and mistakes I've made that I can't admit that I feel responsibility for. Thank you, stranger.

So he drives off. no that's great like i but i don't i think it would be remote control i think they have a control center it's still controlled from houston oh but there's like just this little rover this little earth rover okay and it's called not called curiosity it's called called Honesty. Honesty. Yeah. The Honesty Rover. Or Reflection. Honesty. Honesty.

So the one on Mars called Curiosity. Curiosity. Okay, yeah. Let's go Honesty. Honesty. Frankness. No, that's shit. Frankness.

Is there an honest robot that's going to go out there and just be frank with people? I want to tell you how I feel. I don't beat about the bush. You sound like Bob Dole. I'm Bob Dole. At least the Simpsons version of Bob Dole. Yeah, right. Like a bad version of the Simpsons version of Bob Dole. Yeah, right. Like a bad version of the Simpsons version of Bob Dole.

Yeah, a robot version of Simpsons Bob Dole. That's funny, right? NASA's honesty rover they're trying to explore. I think, yeah, it could be a report from NASA about what they're trying to do. So, by separating... So, it's a man who's controlling it. I think maybe it's a whole team. It's a whole team?

Yeah. It's everyone at NASA is like... Only one of them is wearing a white shirt. Isn't that the thing with NASA? Is it? I don't know. It was Apollo 13, wasn't it? Just like a guy with a title who gets either a special tie or a special white shirt?

I haven't seen Apollo 13. I don't think that was the main... That's not one of the things that seeped into popular culture from that movie enough for me to know. Houston, we have a problem. Houston, we have only one guy wearing a white shirt. He's got a special title. Maybe it's a tie.

Isn't it weird that that's actually something I've picked up about NASA? I'm like, oh yeah, only one guy can wear a white shirt. NASA, you know. Come on. You know, NASA, the place where only one guy can wear a white shirt.

I think it's a status thing. Yeah. You guys don't know NASA? You gotta be top. It's the place where only one guy can wear a white shirt. It's a status thing. You guys don't know NASA? It's the place where only one guy can wear a white shirt. NASA. Okay. What are the features of NASA? Only one guy can wear a white shirt.

White shirt. It's the national agency shirt. It's the national agency. Shirt. Shirt. What's? A shirt. A.

What's another way of saying white? Avalanche. Like avalanche shirt. National avalanche shirt. A person. Okay. So that says. But but like we gotta figure out because like in my also in my mind we were they were like they were like going into people not only just exploring because you know people talk about like we got to fix the problems at home first so they go into the home and they fix all the problems like they. Like, they're going through your bedrooms and they're like, all right, you are not bundling up your socks into pairs.

But for me, I don't think it is fixing problems. I don't think we're saying they fix problems. I think it's that there's so much to explore here on Earth. That's true. Like, so much that we still don't understand. So, like, NASA doesn't actually fix problems out in space. They just explore. That's true. So so you know okay well we have to we have to figure out what this guy what is this guy doing to explore

the the humans or this robot doing to explore the yeah yeah oh he's like he's just spending time with an old person this robot is just spending time with an old person in a nursing home and they're watching someone die. Yeah. Okay? And they're just experiencing that. Yeah. Okay? And they've got, like, all these readings, and they're beeping and, like, printing out bits of paper and stuff. Yeah, they're taking samples of what he says.

Or, yeah, or maybe they're, like... Of a little probe. The old person's taking a, like, is talking. Yeah. And this, like, little robotic arm goes... And, like, scrapes his arm into like a little spoon underneath

the scrappy thing and analyze it and then yeah yeah that's great also the idea of talking to him

do they still blast up a rocket right with this thing and it goes up and then like it drops down and then it infl up and then like it drops down and then it inflates

that balloon around it the parachutes and the balloon and it lands like just a couple of blocks away from wherever the headquarters is

like into and then lands like near an old folks home yeah and it comes out like that into there

and then it's just an old person and then it kind of just goes up next to it yeah and then says things yeah and like and then it's just an old person and then it kind of just goes up next to it yeah and then says things yeah and like and then how are you feeling how are you feeling yeah what is life about really oh well given the other day uh it was a shiny day. And I don't know what old people say. It was a shiny day?

Well, he's got dementia. Oh. It wasn't just bad improv. That was my character had dementia. Which made it one of the first things you forget as an old person is how to improv. Yeah. It's really sad. That's, yeah.

They lose the ability to improv. The first thing that goes. Yeah. That's what, yeah, my dad, my, no, my dad's not getting that old, but, you know, right before you walk into a room and you forget why you're there, right before that, is you start losing the ability to improv. You lose the ability to walk into a room and start a scene. As a character. Yeah.

You're like, suddenly, he can't do, thank God you're here anymore. Yeah, yeah. Or when he does... He can't do, thank God you're here. He can do, thank God, where am I? Thank God somebody's come to visit me. Yeah.

I'm first going to write NASA exploring... The human soul. Or what it is to be a man. Man. One small tear for a man. One... One small hug. One small tear for a man. One small hug. One small...

Yeah, I don't know. Dog? Hug-ston? We have a... Hug. Yes. Hug. Yes.

Oh. Does that hurt your whole... It hurts my whole. It hurts your whole... Does that hurt your whole... Yeah. Being, your whole being. My whole being. Because...

Yeah. Your whole being. Look, do you think we should end this here? Oh. Kill ourselves. Obviously, Andy. I mean, we've just found a place for NASA to go to. The next frontier.

The real final frontier. Do you think if we kill ourselves, the newspapers... If we had... It was a double suicide, the newspapers would talk about our podcast and then people would listen to it?

But I mean, nobody would have rendered this one and uploaded it knowing that this is why we did it. Because it was actually on a misunderstanding of me saying should we end this and then i just i'm just i'm always committed to the idea yes to the bit yes and yes we should end this and i'll go get a gun yeah oh but improv is always bad whenever someone brings in a gun that's true

yeah it's like the worst and this scene is going to end pretty badly. Pretty badly. Especially when it's a real gun and they kill the other people in the impro. Yeah. And when somebody discovers our bodies, they're going to go, oh, this looks like a bit of impro gone wrong. That's funny. Like, okay, I think that is a thing you know like that happens in

improv like people are bad at improv when they're learning we'll get like we'll be like i've got a gun yeah right it's big and it's i think it's because like the situation is getting out of their control right and they genuinely want to be the person who can control the situation yeah right and like that's so that's what happens with real guns as well. Okay, this situation is out of control. I've got a gun. I am going to make you do what I want. So maybe murderers are just bad at improv.

That's what's happened. And they happen to have a real gun. Yeah, I'm just not good in theater sports. We weren't doing a scene. This is life. Yeah, but life is improv.

That's just a thing people say. You're doing bad. You gotta go see Glenn Close. Is that the guy? I don't know.

I don't know. I think I thought he was like the improv guy. Glenn Close? Glenn Close? Something like that. I don't know either. I think I thought he was like the improv guy. Glenn Close. Glenn Close? Something like that. Something close.

Something ose. The Herald. Did he invent The Herald? Yeah, I think he might have invented The Herald. Oh, great. That's when... You pretend to be a character from Neighbours. Yeah.

I've got a tuba. What was that? Didn't he play the tuba? I've got a tuba. I've got a tuba. I've got a tuba. I'm on Peter Hellyer's new TV show. Is he? Yeah, he's in the...

Oh, it's a date. It's a date. Which everyone should watch. Come on, guys. Actually, they got 1.3 million viewers on their first episode. Is that good? Yeah, that's on... That was on ABC.

And, like, Spicks and Specks... Was that the one with Luke McGregor? Yeah. Spicks and Specks has been rating loads. That's so great. Yeah. And Ronnie's in it as well. Anyway, now we're starting to just discuss comedy stuff.

That's fine. Yeah. I feel like we need to wrap it up. Okay. Let's just wrap this up. Take us through the sketches we've come up with, Alistair. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.

So, number zero, which we can't do, we came up with Breaking Bad. Yeah. Pretty happy with that. Pretty happy with Breaking Bad. I feel that could be about like a six season sketch. Yeah.

I reckon. Yeah. And maybe we'll break up the six season into two sort of half seasons. Yeah. Something like that.

Then, okay, first sketch was Breaking Bad's spin-off, Fixing Food. Yeah. That's where the guy pushes meth into a baked banana. Then we got two is Ramsay's Meth Kitchen Nightmare.

Then we got three, we got This American Lift. It's more format. I feel bad about some of these ideas. Yeah? I don't think they're amazing. Well, there's something wrong with you. Oh, Yeah? I don't think they're amazing. Well, there's something wrong with you. Oh, okay. I don't think I'm amazing.

Yeah, it's because you don't believe in yourself. Okay, four, don't give things to a guy who's rushing. Okay. Rushing. Rushing. And five, NASA exploring the human soul, and they're scraping old people and listening to what they say. But like your babies, they're witnessing the miracle of child they're scraping old people and listening to what they say but like

your babies they're witnessing the miracle of childbirth and scraping a baby yes scraping a baby and scraping the mother

scrape a baby scrape a baby like that beautiful baby may I scrape him yeah yeah Yeah Yeah Alright well

Yeah Thanks for listening. Thanks, guys.