Two In The Think Tank - 195 - "TONGUE GLOVES" with JACK DRUCE and BEC PETRAITIS!

Episode Date: August 13, 2019

1000 suns shine upon our guests for this very fun episode, Jack Druce and Bec Petraitis. Visit their many internet incarnations.Malgorithms, Hot Single Science, Convo Safari, Pre-Taxi, Squeeze, Diet another Day, Bean Mug, Porn Puzzle, Nipple Person, Painting Nipple Person, STM, TGHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereA toast-sliced loaf of thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George-William Trombley-Birchall. And joining us today in the tank are both Jack Druce slash Jackariah Druce and internet celebrity Rebecca Petraeus. Beck Petraeus, hello.

Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm from the internet. Hello. I'm waving. And Jack, where are you from? you very much. I'm from the internet. Hello. I'm waving. And Jack, where are you from? The dark web. That's right. Oh, wow. The banana web. Yeah, there's not a lot of comedy on the dark web.

I feel like that's my gap in the market. A lot of assassins. Can I have one, please? Assassins, drug dealers, they need a laugh as much as the next man. Probably more. Exactly. They've seen so much traumatic stuff. assassins, drug dealers, they need a laugh as much as the next man probably more exactly, they've seen so much traumatic stuff, people dying people attempted dying

oh yeah when you're an outcast of society living on the fringes, that's when you really need a chuckle and that's where the comedy of Jack Drews comes in do they have a streaming platform that's similar to YouTube of Jack Druce comes in. That's right. And do they have like a streaming platform that's similar to YouTube,

but that's the dark webs one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Most of the videos are real no good, but my sort of quaint observational comedy kind of pops up there as well. So maybe you're watching a video on how to make a pipe bomb or something. The related videos, I got a thing, you know,

like what's up with pipes? Well, that's the case because a lot of the time these algorithms, they push stuff that's more extreme. But I imagine on the dark web, the bizarro version of the web. Yeah. Extreme things are clean comedy from gentle-looking boys. Yeah.

Such as Jack. I think it would also be kind of funnier how incongruous it would be because that's where funny comes from, surprise. So I would be quite surprised. If I was a murderer, I'd be like, ha-ha, look at this boy. Yeah. You start watching the video of Jack and you're like, he's going to get beheaded at any moment

And then at the end he doesn't get beheaded You laugh twice as loudly What a twist Even louder than you would have if he had been beheaded My retina stands a sketch idea The algorithms on the dark web Algorithms The algos

Because everything pushes us towards the centre. And the centre is obviously from our regular web, violent extremism, and from the dark web, you know, observational comedy. And that does not stand up to any form of scrutiny whatsoever. So please don't subject it to any. Do you know what I think is exactly the same on the dark web as the normal web?

Yes. Those wish.com ads that recommend you weird things? I reckon it's the same. Well, all the wish.com ads, because they're from something from a parallel dimension. I feel the wish.com ads somehow have tunnelled into our universe from a totally different one. Is their business model literally to somehow they've monetized

people taking screen grabs of their bizarre products and they've had a way to turn that into like micropayment. A nose horn shaped like Peppa Pig. Who for? Why? You click it. I think you do click it because you're like, ah.

Give me a, I don't think I know these. Wish.com? You can just buy very cheap knockoffs of a lot of things. Like, a lot of people I know have bought tasers from there. Don't do that. Oh, I didn't know this about, literally all I see on Wish.com is just really, really bizarre stuff. Yeah.

Like weird bondage kind of related things. I think that's got to do with your search. No, Beg, don't try and algorithm shame me. I would never algorithm shame. I wouldn't yuck your yummy search results. You know when you see like it says, oh, who knows what this is? And then it's like an avocado and there's like an egg cooked in it? Yes. And they go, this is a weight loss thing. like an avocado and there's like an egg cooked in it. Yes.

And they go, this is a weight loss thing. And then you go, is that Wish.com? It's sort of from the same parallel dimension, I think. Yeah. Do you think these ads are from a different parallel dimension where they make sense? Yeah, that's what I'm suggesting. Oh, I see.

In context in their world. This is a dimension where like... Everybody's using those. Everybody's cooking eggs and avocados. Yeah. In this dimension, it's like if you're over 50 and you do push-ups, it's really bad for your fitness. There's all these exercises that are there killing your fitness.

And your doctor is disappointed. Wait, what are those ones where it's like a doctor is disappointed? He doesn't want you to know about this new exercise? In their universe, doctors do want you to know about some trick to peel your face off and look 50 years younger in three seconds. Do you know what? I don't think there's ever hot singles in your area, though. No, there must be.

I think hot singles are like rats. You're never more than three metres from a hot single. They might be living in the pipes or something like that, but they're there. Nobody said they were hot single humans. Maybe they're the same rats. Yes, there's tonnes of hot single ants. It could just be a hot egg.

A hot single egg. In an avocado. Inside the crawl space at your wall. Oh, no, that's troublesome. Yeah, nothing's more single than an egg because it's just literally one cell. But it really is looking for sex because that's an egg's purpose,

to be sprogged on. Yes. Anyway, wow, everybody went real quiet. Was it quiet in support of my idea? Yeah, it was a silent assay. Let's go through everyone's silence individually. My silence was going back to my memory if I've ever heard the word sprog before.

That was why I was silent. The great thing about the word sprog is that you don't need to have heard it before to know exactly what it means. It's one of those words that when they were going through the big list of four-letter words... Oh, it's a five letter word forget it kill me

no kill me Jack can you get someone from your place yeah yeah well I got one of my fans to get it done I think doing a comedy gig to an audience exclusively of assassins or hit men or hit people thank you

no thank you for being here and blessing us with diversity. Women. Yes. What aspect is diverse? Do you have a funny recipe or something that you cook? That wasn't supposed to be a woman thing. We all have recipes.

The good thing is as a woman I can cancel anyone So you're done Yeah no that's alright I'll tap out Well look can I bring us back to the sketch idea Yeah okay That was wrote down Of hot single researchers

These are researchers Finding out actually where all the If whether or not there's actually hot singles In people's areas You know what was the original hot single Was the singularity of the Big Bang. That was the first one. It was very hot, wasn't it?

Because of the density and the energy. Yeah, the heat. Oh, the heat. Probably more than the density, yeah. I would have gone with that to begin with. I didn't realise it was so hot. It was super, super hot. It was so hot.

Oh, my God. You don't get a lot done in the cold. No. That's also the case for universes being created. I don't know. What about yetis? You don't do that many yetis. I'm doing yetis on the reg.

No. We had last episode, we talked about Serengeti spaghetti. Amazing. Whichgeti spaghetti. Amazing. Which is dry spaghetti. But I think we can get the Yeti into there. Yes, please. Serengeti Yeti spaghetti. All right.

And that is spaghetti. It's dry and it's covered in hair. You're welcome. Can you have a spaghetti Yeti who's made exclusively of spaghetti? Its hair is spaghetti. Well, I think possibly. Like every country has its own Yeti, right? We have the Yowie.

They have the Abominable Snowman in the Himalayas. In America, they have the Bigfoot. But I think maybe in Italy, they have the spaghetti yeti and he's basically instead of hair he's got like that that uh egg noodle pasta yeah the real thin yeah he's all crunchy and he walks over the hills of um spaghetti of meatballs oh Oh, okay. And he's got, instead of testicles, he has two little meatballs.

Oh, lovely. And when you cut him, tomato sauce. It looks horrendous as well. You're like, oh, what have I done? But tastes delicious. Like most animals.

You know those vermicelli noodles that are like, that you see in a lot of Asian cooking? Yes. Vermicelli sounds like an Italian word. It does, doesn't it? It must be, though.

It is. Surely it is. It's just been... Yeah, but what about Saganaki? Saganaki sounds like a... Sounds like a Japanese word. Definitely sounds very Japanese, yeah. But it's a Greek.

Yeah. It's a Greek cheese. Yeah. Fried cheese. Yeah, Saganaki, I'd look at that, I'd be like, that'll be like a fried seaweed kind of. That'll be a single scallop in a pool of hoisin sauce. Yeah.

Yes. No. No. No, it's Greek cheese. So what happened there? That word went through a wormhole. I'm very interdimensional this episode. Yeah.

So hang on, the word went through the wormhole. Yeah. Was it on like, how? Like just the idea of it? Well, somebody was saying it in Japan, right? And then a door through time and space opened up And the sound went through that And into the ear of a Greek gentleman

Who was inventing a cheese Imagine cheating off the wind Not coming up with your own shit And the wind whispers to you You're like, that's right. Thank you, wind. I think there's one thing I feel confident in. It's happily stealing

from the wind. I don't feel confident in that at all. I reckon the wind will come back to get you. I don't think the wind talk to each other. The wind whistles. It can whistle. It whistles, but it's very hard to interpret a whistle. I disagree.

Oh. You got, um... What was that? That was... Okay, you tell me what you thought it was. I love you. No, that was get up in here. I think the same. Those two things are the same in my mind.

I was talking about the tray of a car. Oh, right. Yeah. What about? That was, I love you. You got it. Oh, my God. Yeah.

See? I do think that I would not, if the wind gave me anything, I would not trust it. I've never trusted the wind. It brings pollen. Yeah, that's true. It tries to kill Beck. I'm scared of the noises my house makes in the wind, but that might be the construction of the house.

That might not be the wind. Creaking. What else am I scared of of the wind? Just its general vibe. Untrustworthy. Was being downwind of an interesting conversation like the first podcast? Like that was how you just got information?

Was just placing yourself downwind of someone talking about something you're a bit interested in? So then you could hear it and smell it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then they can't smell you coming, so they're not allowed to flee taking their interesting conversation with you. If you're ever approaching an interesting conversation with you if you're ever approaching an interesting conversation always approach from downwind because if they

get a whiff of you they'll take off and you won't get to hear the end of the the story or the sketch idea that's right yeah i think i think that's a that's a great concept and I feel like hunting conversations. I don't know. Could be a sketch idea. I mean, this is in a boring place maybe. Well, yeah, but it is a kind of like a gamification of eavesdropping or something like that, right? The MX used to have that section where I was like, send in the conversations you overheard. Oh, overheard.

And I always felt like that's not even your shit. You're stealing it from someone else who said something cool or something real trash on the Frankston line. It's kind of a retweet, isn't it? Yeah, but without permission. It's more of a screen grab.

It's more of a screen grab than a repost. But that sort of... I mean, yeah, using other people's conversations, but yeah, tracking them down, hunting them. Yeah, like in a form of like a safari kind of a thing, right? And then we could have different categories of like conversations that you're trying to overhear in different kind of areas.

Is it a bus? Are you in a bus, like a big safari bus with big ear horns? Could you kill the two people and then mount them on your wall and then when you show people around you have to go this guy was talking about how Saganaki sounds like a Japanese word

but then this guy was saying well Vermicelli sounds like sort of a European word and then they said oh there was a time portal between the two anyway I don't know what they came to because they were like,

oh, I keep talking about portals too much. And then I shot them in the head. Yeah, and then I shot them. Well, what you might do is you might, as you're stalking, you might try and record

a little bit of that conversation. And then you get the taxidermist to put it on a little tape, MP3 player, like in the mouth of the head. No, like a Build-A-Bear thing

where you can record your own messages and you squish them. So yeah, you squish the person and out of the mouth of the head. No, like a Build-A-Bear thing where you can record your own messages and you squish them. So, yeah, you squish the person and out of its mouth comes... Yeah, that's lovely. A lot of them would just be like, who are you? Ah! Yeah, and I think inside the ear is a perfect...

Earlobe is a perfect place for that button to be. Yeah. Because that's the perfect place. You put something in there and that's perfectly squishable. It's actually now when you feel the earlobe, it feels like it's lacking a little button. Everybody on the, just for the listener at home, everyone on the podcast is now squeezing their earlobe.

Feel free to squeeze along with us. I'm also squishing my nose. I reckon you can put one in there too. I don't know. I don't like having my nose pushed by other people. Even if I am dead and mounted on a wall. by other people. I mean... Even if I am dead

and mounted on a wall. If I were to, you know, be taxidermied in death, you know, because you hear about people having people taxidermied in death. I don't know how often it really happens.

But you have it. What's being embalmed? What is that? That's more like preserved for display or burial or something. But I mean, maybe that burial or something but they don't i mean maybe that is stuff in your gut let's put a bit of stuff in your gut i think i think there's definitely something that kind of like preserves you a lot more so i'm not sure but i think taxidermy is

genuinely like rip everything out right until you're just a skin and then fill you up again with like stuff that stuff that's like in a in a like stuff. That stuff that's like in an eBay package that's like those packing peanuts and things like that. Packing peanuts. I really like the edible ones. I would like to be full of edible packing peanuts. You already are, Beck. I am.

I've got to stop eating them. Please stop me. You have one and then the aftertaste stays with you for about a week and you are filled with unhappiness. That's why you keep eating them and then you never taste the aftertaste. Never taste the aftertaste. It's like stay drunk. Hell yeah.

Never have a hangover. Book of packing peanuts. How taxidermied could you get while still being alive? If you were just gobbling those beads and getting fluff and all sorts of things in you. My ankle's no good. I'd happily taxidermy that now. Yeah.

I think that's a great idea. I think you could definitely do all of your back, you know, just fill up the back of the skin with those things without having to take anything out. You just get a pillow back there. You could have your own bed on your back. Lumbar support. Yeah, this is very interesting.

Pillow under the skin in the back. Yeah. I mean, you could have a full blow up mattress back there you gotta get out one of those air motor things and plug it in I don't think this is necessarily taxidermy this is sort of a body modification this is enhancing it

I mean it's I was about to say the dumbest thing just understand that I don't believe in this and I don't want to say this, but it's uber dermy. Sorry. No, that's alright. I did want to say a couple of things about taxidermies. When you lose a

leg in an accident and they can't sew it back on, it should be an option to have that leg taxidermied and then use your own leg as a false leg. If you have to get a prosthetic leg right? And then use your own leg as a false leg. You know, if you have to get like a prosthetic leg, why not make it your own leg?

What's more realistic than your leg? That's true. You know, it's still all your skin and stuff just preserved however they do that, right? And then stuffed with stuff, but you just put it back on again, right? Yeah, I like that. Yeah. And then this is my other thought about taxidermy

was that if I did get my body taxidermied, I would get them to put in one little Build-A-Bear thing in my tummy or whatever so that when you give me a hug, I say something out of my... I hate to point out that you could do that right now. What, say something? Say something. Nah, nah, too easy. But you could also put a thing in your tummy so that...

I could put a thing in my tummy. I do that sometimes. What would you like to say when people hug your dead body? Maybe I'll have a special one. I'd just probably say something like, Help. I'm still in here. Yes, keep me, forgive me, Tom.

I can't remember something funny. While you think about that, I was just thinking, I mean, mean technically the taxidermy of your body how many things like do you really need to be able to feel with i think the whole body is a bit excessive like having to be able to feel your whole back you don't really use that much right most of the leg you don't use it underfoot, okay, I can understand. But even then, that's more of a pain in the ass. Because then you're... Is the foot really the ass of the leg? The foot... Wait.

The foot is the ass of the leg. Well... The foot is the foot of the leg. No, because the pain in the ass is not that bad. Wait, the foot... The foot is the foot of the leg. I tend to agree. Wait.

Hold on a second. The ass of the leg is surely the back of the kneecap. The ass of the leg. Yes. No, I think the ass of the leg is surely the back of the kneecap. The ass of the leg? Yes. No, I think the ass of the leg is the kneecap. That's gross. It's kind of gloomy. I mean, the back bit of it is more of an ass.

Oh, that's the crack of the butt. See, I was thinking the top of the butt. I would say the underfoot is the face of the leg. Of the leg? Really? Yeah. Yeah, I was going to go with the shin, but yeah, okay. So you think if the leg was a person,

it would just be like a real long, like long backwards kind of person? Yeah, I think it would, if the leg was like sort of separate from the body, it would stand up on the base of the sort of the thigh. Right, yeah. The toes are the toes. And then it would jump like that,

and then the face could also be used as, it would also be the hand of the lake. Like a snake with a hand. Yeah, like a snake that uses its head as a hand. Like a snake that stands upright, bounces along and has a hand for a head. But yeah, exactly like a snake, Jack. Okay.

Yeah. And it would live in trees. Like a snake. Wait, I think not all snakes do that. A lot of snakes do. Imagine a Queensland mum finding that in the roof. Or you're on the toilet and one comes up through the drain like that and you go, it feels like there's a foot pressing up against my balls.

And you go, ah! The balls would be another great spot to put the little squeezy thing that makes a noise when you do it. Who is squeezing that? I mean, that's your problem.

Oh, Andy's dead. Can't wait to squeeze his balls. See what he says. Better be funny. I think you could do a similar thing.

It would be kind of nice like, it would be nice for others if you did that to your ass. Like, one different thing in each ass that's everybody no matter what you like feeling an ass yeah but you're never allowed because it's not okay oh right but then if you say hey my death wish is that you all get to squeeze my ass yeah and as much as you want. You get 10 minutes in the room with my ass.

And what it says when you squeeze the ass is this is okay. I'm really enjoying this. This is what I wanted. I feel like... I retrospectively consent to this. I feel like you guys are not... The clit is a really obvious push button

and also kind of secret button. Because who knows where it is? I don't. You say something real cool. I think it's real funny. Real funny, like... The outer labia feels like it could have had two buttons in there

on either side. So maybe it would be like singing two notes. Go, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It would be like singing two notes. It would be in a man's voice. Now does the sound come out of the vagina or where does it come out of? I think you could have the head somewhere in the room and they have to find it. I can feel this one. Yes, okay, great.

I don't know. No, but I feel like now making taxidermy and vagina into a musical instrument, that's what art is. Absolutely. I think it would be great. This is what happens. Let's say me and Beck die. Okay.

Yep. And then as you go... I mean, when I say great, I mean obviously great for the purposes of where you're going with this. Okay. And so then what you didn't know is that we had planned this. We decided to leave. A murder-suicide. Yeah.

A murder-suicide. But it was really like a friend-a-side. Hang on. How did we go? I guess we can't jump off something really no no that's boring okay how about we ate something really delicious yes until we died yes one of those like packing peanuts yes you got some of that like uh like that blower fish that you need like the best guy in the world to prepare properly but you just get anyone to do it.

We got the second best guy. But we had him, like, just because it might not be delicious if we're just eating the poisonous bits, we had him drench it in ranch dressing. Now you're speaking my language. You couldn't taste the poison or whatever or the puffer. Anyway,

so then we have both of our bodies taxidermied but cut up into bits yeah with squeezy parts but the first thing and it's in a room you go in there first thing is each of our hands are attached to a wall and it says i give you consent to squeeze any of my bits and then you shake the hand and that's a deal that's a deal done right yeah so each of the hands like that obviously you'll have to get your consent before we get... David Walsh from Mona in Hobart, if you're listening, have we got the art installation for you?

I mean, you've got to kill two people, but whoo! But he's rich, he can do that. He would love us donating our body and telling him where to put the squeezy things in our body. And to be honest, this would be so good for Tasmanian tourism. They'd probably give you a pass. I'm not sure if the government is allowed to say, oh, no, this murder's all right.

Maybe they could pass a law saying that this specific murder is okay. If they could give us $250,000 up front now so that we can enjoy our lives for a bit. We've got to buy a lot of ranch. But obviously we have to die before our asses quit. Yeah. Thank youes quit. Yeah. Thank you. Yes.

Okay. So then you go in and after you shake the hand, the door behind you slams locked, right? Right. And then you're in an escape room. Okay. And there's just squeezy bits of body hidden around the place and they give you clues.

Like that. So you go and you find a knee like that and you sort of rub the knee like it's a genie's lip or something like that there's a clue that says something like i am the butt of the leg and you're like the knee that's right yeah i feel like one suggestion just to make it more palatable for people i feel like if i'm putting myself in the idea of me being the consumer of this if you give clues but you also let them know it's fine you're doing this so you don't feel terrible about like if you're like i'm the butt of the knee don't worry that you're here it's not you're not like the worst person alive it's fine because that's what i'd be feeling playing constantly on the um the pa system is just like affirmations

and reassurance in a very soothing voice. The thing is that we could do this with our living bodies before we die. I don't like this idea anymore. Bex out. People will just be squeezing me. But also, I'm not dead. Oh, yeah. You're right.

I forgot about that. I love that bit of the play. I forgot about the part where people squeezing you is unpleasant. Sure. Anyway. Never forget that, people. You've always got to keep that in mind. Yeah, yeah.

But anyway, but I'm happy to do it with my dead body. That'll be the name of the installation, over my dead body. Your hand. Yeah. Squeezing. Maybe it's a big glass sort of room and you can look at the bits under the floor maybe they have are you still squeezing them if they were behind others trap door trap door yeah i think it'd be good if there's like a different different body every

couple months or so just the way i exhibit so and then what do we do with beck and al's bodies we just chuck them in the river? Yeah, swamp or something? Who cares? Like a rich person could buy it and put it in their house. Like all good art. Yeah, you've got to wonder about some of the art. The art that's just like, the point of this art is that it's extremely unpleasant.

And then it becomes very famous because it's so unpleasant. It's bought for a huge amount of money by some very rich person because it's unpleasant. And then they've got to be like, all right, well, what the fuck do I do with this? It's a great way of showing your friends that you have a ton of money without showing them your bank balance. And so the unpleasantness fills their nose

with the knowledge that you are rich. Is this why people buy Yeezys? Yeah. So it's exactly... You look at them and you're like... They are hideous, aren't they? They're no good. I don't think I've ever seen anyone actually wearing them.

I mean, I may have. I think they're squishy. They'd probably be nice on your foot. But I just go... Do you think they're squishy? I think they're squishy. Yeah, do you think that's one of the selling points? Why people are buying Yeezys for the squish?

Yes. Okay. But also, is there a certain point where something is so expensive that it's not unpleasant anymore because it's worth something? Because you're like, oh, I could sell that and buy something, like more packing peanuts to eat or like. Wait, something so expensive that it's no longer unpleasant? Yeah.

You cease to see the unpleasantness and only the value that is in it, which then could be exchanged for something else, maybe even something pleasant. Like a big vat of blood. Yeah. Unpleasant, but you go, it's worth a lot of money. You know what? Wait, I get it.

What's the value of a big vat of blood? What's the goal of that? One metric big vat of blood. Let's be clear, guys. Things are going well for me, but I just want to check, how much is blood worth? No reason, really, but just someone selling their blood. At the end of the finance report every night

after they do the gold and oil prices, they tell you what blood is buying. An ounce of blood. No, a vat. It's all in vats. Or a tub. I reckon you could get a tub of blood. The price of blood is skyrocketing

I think I heard I think there was an episode of You know that sciencey one With the nice sounds there, Radiolab I think there was an episode of that dedicated to About how much your blood You give it away for nothing or get 50 bucks for it And then they can sell it on for like

350 or 500 dollars It's a scam So when I get a blood test are they taking that off and making some gold? This is in particular in America, I think. Yeah, where everything is. They always take so much of my blood. I go in, I'm like, I feel a bit ill. And then they're like, they take so many tubes of it.

They should put something back in. They should. I want like fairy floss liquid. The stuff that flavours fairy floss. They put that straight in. And then you smell your arm and you can just like you can try to like smell the vein like that and you're like

fuck yeah bro. Fuck yeah bro. The smell is Fairy floss is pretty good isn't it Probably better than the taste of fairy floss Yeah I think that's probably so that you buy it Just like there's sugar in the air The air is sweet

That's healthy You know Breathing in cake That was another thing we came up with one time Cake you can breathe Jack Where do you think the best place to hide a bean on your body would be? Have we talked about this before?

I think I've talked about hiding things inside your nose But I mean like a bean on top of your body Somewhere on your body So it's not like in any holes I reckon it would be I think this bean thing. But I mean like a bean on top of your body, somewhere on your body. So it's not like in any holes. Yeah, yeah. I reckon it would be like, and this is a certain type of body can do this. I'm not quite there yet.

But I reckon, you know, you see like a sort of bigger like bald guy who stands up really straight or leans back and they get those like real fine folds right on the back of their neck. Oh, the Marcellus Wallace. Yeah, you pop a bean in there. no one's finding that yeah absolutely because not unless you look down yeah and because it's also like it's its own defense because that that that sort of flap it's like that dog flap that they have you know in those the toilet paper dogs there what are? Oh, the dogs from the ads. Yeah, the dogs from the toilet paper ad. Oh, okay.

And they got all those folds. But it makes you look like a very sort of dangerous person. But those foldy dogs don't look dangerous. They look so lovely. No, but the Marcellus Wallace fold. Yeah, sure. I think surely the belly button. Like, I feel like the belly button almost was designed for hiding exactly one bean.

But if I was looking for a bean, it would be the first place I looked. I would go, like, in the bean hole. That's what I call it. You could be completely nude with a bean in that neck fold. No one would know. That's right. And think about it, okay?

You are stripped down naked by these people who need to find these beans. I guess you picture yourself, you're Jack, and you are about to make, not this Jack, but Jack and the Beanstalk Jack. Right. And you now have a magic bean, and this is your last chance to get up there and get that golden egg.

And you've been busted by a gang who call themselves the Bean Boys. This is their bread and butter. Bread and butter bean, that is. Well, they need the baked beans for their bread and butter. And they're a lot tougher than they sound. Yeah, the Bean Boys. And they got nunchucks and they've stripped you naked

and you're standing there and you've hidden this bean. They got nunchucks? They got nunchucks? I don't think nunchucks have... Are they that... Oh, no, they're spinning them real quick. Yeah, they're spinning them real quick. I've only ever seen nunchucks hurt the person that's shooting them,

and that's it. But think about it. In terms of the percentage of self-inflicted injuries to injuries on other people, the nunchuck has got to be so high on the list. When I was a kid, one of my neighbours had nunchucks who was also a kid.

And that's Frankston. Continue, I'm sorry. I was just going to say, you know how bad it would be if the chain between the two chucks, right, that could catch any hair on your body because you're nude. And so that would really hurt. So that's what they're threatening you with.

So they're nude as well. Who's nude? Just you, you're the only nude one. I don't know, nude's pretty threatening. I like a strip search where the person giving the search strips totally naked. So they're naked. So everyone's comfortable.

Just so you know, this isn't weird in any way. I'll take off my clothes as well and we'll be even. But I will keep my nunchucks. And just to be fair, as you can tell, we're fair muggers. We're only going to look on your body three places.

And I will start, of course, belly button. Not there. Rats. At the end, you can search me. So we're fair. You can take my wallet at the end. And then where's the next place he's going to look?

The butt crack. Yeah, of course. Of course, the butt crack, though, running vertically as it does. I feel like any bean would work its way out very quickly and fall down. Oh, it depends how tight the gap is, your butt crack. Yeah. Do you know where I would hide it? Mm-hmm.

Just somewhere. You know, magicians are always hiding shit in their hands. I reckon there's a reason for that. Magic. All hands are magic. I've just decided. What a great reason for that. Magic. All hands are magic. I've just decided. What a great place for a magic bean. Imagine the place you're holding this bean is just in your closed hand.

I mean, that'd be the next place. You look in the belly button, in the butt crack, and then the closed hand. If you put it in this little thumb fold there and then you just put it like that, I reckon that's a good place. You can get a bean in the thumb fold. You can get a bean this little thumb fold there and then you just put it like that. I reckon that's a good place. You can get a bean in the thumb fold. You can get a bean in the thumb fold. Well, you could close your hands as a decoy though and then pop it. That's two places.

Yeah, that's two places. And then you could pop it in that little gap sort of in your ear at the top of your ear folds up there. Not in the hole, in the folds up in there. You know how like Cold War spies spies would have one of their molars they could crush and it was like a cyanide tablet or something so they didn't confess? It was so risky. Can you only eat custard or something for the duration of your spy posting?

You get smoothies non-stop. That's how you get those spies. He hasn't chewed anything. He's been here for six months. You know, Leon, everybody's friend. Always asking questions. Great guy.

Hasn't eaten a solid meal in six months. Shows up out of town, weird accent, but nice guy. He's the Russian guy drinking tomato soup all the time. I'm suspicious of anyone on a meal replacement smoothie now. Yeah, well, I guess juicing. Now we're all juicing. Everybody's juicing. Juicing's the thing. It's the golden age of spies. He's got this liter and a half container of just no, I'm fine. But why did you

come to our roast dinner? I like juice and sorry I don't eat unless you want to blend it. No, I can't ask you to do that I love my juice I love my juice

I love my juice I love my juice and he yeah he has to speak you can't clack your teeth together at all either can't play the drums on your teeth

one of life's simple pleasures clacking your teeth actually I you know I'm gonna get a cold and so I'm gonna go get a jacket I don't want to get too cold And so I'm going to go get a jacket

I don't want to get too cold It's not really that cold I just don't want to chatter Don't want to risk A chatter situation You know I'm a bit of a careful guy In my country teeth clatter you And by my country obviously I mean here

Where I am from. I love... Australia. Vegemite is my favourite, but I can't have it unless it's liquid. Is Vegemite a liquid? If you love Vegemite so much in Australia, you'll answer me this simple question about Vegemite. Is Vegemite a liquid?

You can't answer that question. Therefore, you don't love Vegemite as much as you claim. No, what do you think, Bec? Is it spread? That's not an answer. You're avoiding the question. You're deliberately avoiding the question. What about the squeezy one?

That one's more. Is it gas? Is it liquid? Is it solid? Or is it plasma? It must be plasma. It must be plasma. I guess that's what easy one. Is it gas? Is it liquid? Is it solid? Or is it plasma? It must be plasma. It must be plasma. Because it's none of the others.

Yeah. I guess that's what plasma is. Okay. Well, how much can I get for it? Ah, on the plasma market. Depends. If you put a part of your body in it and then... So where are we going with it?

I'm trying to pointlessly call back to the art thing and then cut off your body and put a squeezy thing in it and then I'm trying to pointlessly call back to the art thing and then cut off your body and put a squeezy thing in it. Make it gross. Yeah. You could turn your body into a puzzle when you die. Just have it sliced up,

given to a toddler so they can learn about the human body. You get dehydrated or whatever and that's why you die. What a lucky toddler that would be, too. Kids love puzzles. You know, you have your eyes closed, so it won't be gross. Yeah, yeah. I reckon skeletons are a good puzzle.

Better puzzle than just body bits. Yeah. Because you've got all those little bits. Like, maybe. Too hard for a toddler. Okay, yeah, all right. It's an age up. You know how you get those older puzzles?

It's an adult puzzle. It's a sexy puzzle. Yes. Sexy. Bones. Pornographic puzzles. Now, who is horny enough to want to see some porn, but also not so horny that they can't spend six or seven hours putting together a 2,000-piece puzzle.

This is like a sort of, it's bringing the romance back into pornography. It's kind of a foreplay. If you want this good time, you've got to put in the effort piecing together. And it's going to be hard because there's going to be a lot of similar colour tones. I reckon. I hope this ends up looking like something I'm into. It's taken me a long time. Oh no!

I know, but you'd be flipping through looking for a nipple and you'd be like, ah, it's good enough for me. When I put it together I just put together the nipples basically and then that's enough. Just jack it off to a single nipple. Looks like a bit I normally cut out of Instagram.

That's all I actually want. What if it was like a lenticular puzzle so that you could move your head and it moves when you've assembled it? Like the nipple follows you around the room. This is like the joke, you know? Why don't they make the whole plane out of black box?

Why don't they make the entire porn out of nipple? It's just full nipple. Well, I mean, if you could genetically engineer a person who was full nipple, that would be the ultimate sexy person. The most beautiful and sexy. Oh, and the world's sexiest woman has again been won

for the 20th year in a row by that genetically engineered super nipple. I guess we shouldn't be surprised at this point. They grew it in a petri dish and since then every man has been fantasising about it all over the world so does it have anything

but, is it just nipple? just the sexy bit just the nipple on the back, another nipple is it still human shaped? or is it a nipple the size of a person? I think it's the nipple Or is it a nipple the size of a person? No, I think it's the nipple skin that makes the nipple nice.

And so they just made a whole person out of nipple skin. So it's a person made of nipple skin? Yeah. I thought it was just like a nipple all the way around. Just one nipple. For me, it was a humanoid nipple. So does it have thoughts and feelings? Yes, it's a person, Andy.

Don't objectify the nipple. God. I think it would have only feeling. Yeah, that's true. It's a very sensitive part of the body. What happens when it gets aroused? Does it just fully seize up? Or cold.

Yeah, right. They just, yeah, they tense up a little bit. They look tenser. Can it breastfeed? Well. Can it not breastfeed? Yeah, right. They just, yeah, they tense up a little bit. They look tenser. Can it breastfeed? Well. Can it not breastfeed? Yeah, that's it. Oh, wow.

When you see milk come out of a nipple in a sort of like one of those mechanical pumps, it's like one of those hoses that you use for drip garden. It's actually got lots of holes. It's just full of holes. The milk just sort of comes out of it like you're squeezing a sponge. You know like a hose that you've just pierced a bunch

of times with some scissors or something. Why are you stabbing hoses? I don't know. But let's say you drop a hose on a cactus and then you turn it on. Then all the mini jets coming out everywhere. That's what it looked like, milk coming out of a nipple.

Assuming I saw that coming out of a normal nipple. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats, get almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. No, I'll

validate your nipple experience, Alistair. So, this is what we do on this podcast. I'm sorry. We validate one another's nipple experiences. I don't know We validate one another's nipple experiences. I don't know what kind of podcasts you've been on. Maybe where you hang somebody's nipple experience out to dry. Not here on Two and the Think Tank.

That's right. It's a safe space for men to share their nipple experiences. We put our nipple experiences out in the cold where they can get real big. Where they get smaller. Oh, small. I don't understand nipples. I've never shared a nipple experience. I've never known a safe space for nipple experience.

Well, this is a safe place for it. And we can misunderstand nipples as well. And we say that they're correct. It's okay to be wrong about nipples here. It's okay. Nipples can get bigger in the cold. Thank you. I'm smiling and nodding at Beck.

And she's smiling and nodding at you, which means it's all okay. Everybody's happy. Everybody's friends. The end. Bye. Now, while we were in talking about pornographic puzzle, and before we went into just the nipple bit, it felt like Jack was about to say something

from the puzzle and it was the sexiest bit just the nipple oh because it's a one breasted man or woman and their nipple is gone you made that work

you can get in there you can get in there, put your nipple through the puzzle. Lie down. Put the puzzle over yourself and put your own nipple through it. It's interactive. You can be a part of, you know. You're the missing piece. Be the missing piece of the porn puzzle you want to see in the world.

Or it's like one of those creepy hotels where the guy goes and pervs at the people in the room by looking through the eyes of the painting, but instead he just puts his nipples through, and it is you who pervs at him. Wow. So it's like some Renaissance painting with maybe, what is the woman in the shell?

You know the one who's in the shell? Venus. Is it Venus in a shell? Yeah, right. And then the nipples have been cut out and then the eccentric owner of the mansion goes behind and pulls aside a little slippery door and pushes his own nipples against it.

Which are pink and glistening. Yes. And in what way does he derive pleasure from this? We do not dare to speculate, but we are not here to shame because on this podcast, nipple experiences are validated. Yeah. Yes. Even of hypothetical eccentric gentlemen.

I mean, I think it's kind to give the opportunity to look at a fresh nipple. Yeah, but people don't know that's what they're looking at. They think they're just looking at an ancient Renaissance painted nipple. Maybe when you show up in the lobby, he says, and later on, there'll be some fresh nipples for you to look at. You know, there'll be a mint on your pillow, and there will be some fresh glistening nipples coming through the... Instead of a mint on your pillow, there's a nipple!

There'll be a nipple on your pillow. And so he's lying under the pillow, pushing his nipple through a hole in the pillow. He's hidden himself in both pillows. Yes. And then he just has one nipple coming through each one. And he's wearing a bed suit. I bet it's a very...

Look. Bonjour, madame. It's a very cheap hotel. Just a warning. The owner of the hotel will be pushing his nipples through your pillows. But as we say, perfect service. Five stars. Use the... Make use of the hotel will be pushing his nipples through your pillows. But as we say, perfect service, five stars. Make use of the gym. There will be almost endless nipple shenanigans.

I guarantee that. Throughout the night, you will be seeing and smelling nipples. In fact, it's very difficult to sleep, but people don't come here to sleep. They come here for the nipple. Hello, I'm Ramsey. I'm here for the nipple. Hello, I'm Ramsay. I'm here to inspect your hotel. You know how he does that? Gordon Ramsay?

Gordon Ramsay? Does he introduce himself as Ramsay? Hello, I'm Ramsay. I'm here to inspect your hotel. And he gets inside the, you know, he sees the guy, the owner of the hotel, And he gets inside the, you know, he sees the guy, the owner of the hotel, in his bed suit, laying in the bedroom. And he runs his finger along the nipple and he goes,

is this a clean nipple? A clean fucking nipple? Are you serving these to French people? No, I reckon he'd come in and he'd go, oh, fresh nipple. This is what everyone wants. And then the series would end because he'd have the perfect hotel. Because he was finally happy. And he shoots himself in the head and dies. In the nipple.

No, not in the nipple because then they can use his nipples elsewhere. They could use the other one. The nipple is the gateway to the heart. Oh, imagine. That's true. Oh, all those lucky buggers with more nipples. Extra nipples, you mean? It's not a full nipple.

Like pigs? They've got like six. Yeah, there's lucky pigs. All those nipples. Yeah. You know, like man looking at the bird and envying his gift of flight, and then we look at the pigs and envy their gift of six nipples? Yeah.

Imagine if instead of obsessing over flight, we'd put all that effort into getting us six nipples. Imagine if instead of obsessing over flight, we'd put all that effort into getting us six nipples. Yeah. And then Wilbur and Orville, you know, and Kitty Hawk had instead invented a six nipple suit. Out of metal? Out of metal. Or originally out of wood.

Wood and fabric. Yes. Lots of splinters. And bowing. Anyway, I can stop now. Now, Jack, I don't know if you remember what you were going to say when we were deep in the pornographic puzzle thing. You might have to remind me of what we were talking about beforehand.

I believe we were talking about a pornographic puzzle. And pieces missing from the puzzle. No, this was before that. And I definitely interrupted Jack. I will take absolute responsibility. But that's fine. That got us onto the pornographic puzzle which we can all agree was a great time.

A puzzle? Yeah. For some reason I thought you said butthole just then. Pornographic butthole. Imagine, everyone. If you can. But made by the men at Boeing. All women. Six buttholes all up and down

the front of the body. Not even a pig has this. Look at this, pigs. And then he goes like that and everything poops out of his chest. Okay, sorry, Jack. I interrupted you again. I was just waiting for you to speak before I said that. No, no.

What were we talking about before? It doesn't matter if I remember or not, but what were we talking about before the pornographic puzzle? I mean, there was Jack and the Beanstalk Fair Muggers. Yeah, and hiding beans around the body. And the ear.

Hiding them in the ear. What was right before pornographic puzzle? How did we get there, everybody? I feel like you're making a special exception. I'm a fan of the podcast. You know, you've got to just let it flow. I know, I know. You've got to let it flow.

But sometimes, you know, I know, Jack, that you don't just have mere ideas. Oh, thank you. You know, you come up with an egg, a golden egg, you might say, that is worth... That egg, a golden egg, you might say, that it is worth. Fertilized golden egg. That is worth sometimes planting the bean. You plant the egg? To plant the bean that the mugger never found,

climbing to the top of the sky to get it from the giant, which is you, Jack. Oh, thank you. No, I got nothing. I don't know what it was. It's okay. It's on you. I always had this idea that like

that they should remake Uncle Buck but with Macaulay Culkin now like you know like make it do a sequel to Uncle Buck

was he in the original Uncle Buck yeah he was the kid in it and so now do it now when he's the uncle because you know

it's like he could come across as pretty crazy because that's how uncles work you get the title from someone else. Yeah.

You inherit it. I am the uncle. You've got to kill an uncle to become an uncle. The uncle. John Candy, that was what he said when he was dying. You're now my uncle. You're the uncle, man. Oh, that is perfect baffling last words.

You're now the uncle. You're now the uncle. The uncle. Macaulay Culkin. Yeah, I think that's interesting. But Macaulay Culkin, he's definitely pushed this, it's like, I'm a bit unsettling sort of thing.

But Uncle Buck wasn't unsettling. I think that was the idea. Was he unsettling? He would spook his niece's boyfriend or whatever by being a bit spooky. But he was sort of harmless as well, right? Because he was jolly. Whereas I don't think the current Macaulay Culkin is sort of harmlessly jolly.

I think he has become a bit harmlessly jolly. Oh, then I retract. I think he's become a lot more, he just sort of chills out and does his own podcast and things, I think. Yeah. If you listen to him now, I saw him on a TV interview or whatever,

and I was like, oh, he's just kind of like a, he sounds like a theater geek. Yeah, right. You know, like he's, yeah. I think all that stuff about his life, you know, was probably a little bit overdone. Yeah, just a bit of. But anyway, what I was going to say

about that was in a similar way, I want Jack to become the giant in Jack and the Beanstalk. Because I actually see you as the Jack from Jack and the Beanstalk. I see myself in that way. Making ridiculous purchases that somehow pay off. Am I the first person to ever

say that you remind me of Jack from Jack and the Beanstalk? Yeah, yeah, definitely. To be honest, I felt like other people would have said that to you. I think you would own a goose if you could. How does it start? He gets these beans. How does he get them?

Does he trade them for a horse? He trades a cow, I think. Him and his family, well, him and his mother, you don't hear about his dad. Him and his mother are living, they're very, very extremely poor and the only thing they have is a cow. She says, take the cow to the market and sell the cow. And instead he meets some eccentric lunatic who says, I've got some magic beans, I'll give you these for the cow.

And Jack, clearly an idiot, accepts this trade. That's who I see in yeah well i i feel like i am bad enough in confrontation and have enough social anxiety that i'd be like yeah yeah fine these are good yeah yeah i'll give you the beans whatever it's fine it's certainly like it's in terms of a message that a story could send. It's a terrible message. It's like make this insane deal with some eccentric lunatic. Like it's sort of laid the groundwork for all these old people who are now losing all their retirement savings to some like

Forex investment scam. It's definitely also I, I think the Facebook marketplace looked at this story and went, yes, this is a business model. Just all these people going, I'll trade you this cat I found for your 40-inch television. Thank you. And then you've got to talk to them. I mean, think about it this way.

That's the problem with that deal. You've got to talk to them. All right, I'll take it, but no talking. If that cow had been traded for, let's say, early Apple stocks, you would have seemed insane, right? Not stocks in Apple shares, like the fruit, but the thing, it's no different. It's an allegory for Silicon Valley and startups.

So you think Jack made the right decision? I think Jack absolutely made it. I mean, he's got a goose that lays golden eggs. Also, he climbed real, like he must have such good upper body strength. I don't think you have very good upper body strength. I climb pretty good. He climbed up a beanstalk. Oh, wow.

You remind me of Jack from Jack and the Beanstalk. We've got the same name. And you'd steal shit? Would you steal a goose? See, I don't remember this story. Does he fight a giant? I think he just nicks shit. I think he runs from it.

No, he climbs down and then he chops down the beanstalk and the giant falls down and dies. The giant who has actually done nothing wrong except for say that he will grind the bones of an Englishman to make his bread. But that's the thought crime. You can't punish for people who do that. Jack has stolen from him

on like four occasions and then murders him. That's not the hero. Yeah, but under current sort of terrorism laws you probably could get him for saying that he would grind your bones. That's true, yeah. Especially if you said it in an airport.

Yeah, or if you wrote it on MSN Messenger or something. Think of how many months you could live off of that giant meat then. Now, yes. The story stops before they start eating the giant meat. Yeah, because that's actually way more meat than that cow. Yeah. And that's before all the gold profits. This is assuming that giant meat doesn't go off at the same rate of other meat.

You salt giant meat. You just chop it. You've got to get one of those big freezers, the ones that are in the garage, the weird ones that you open up. Yeah, I reckon people put bodies. That is exclusively what they're sold for, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, bodies and old paddle pops. That's all that's in those races.

You sell it around town. Yeah. And you make a profit. Man, you're fucking, he made a killing. That was actually the best financial decision I've ever said. He made a killing. He made a killing. That's how you make a killing.

You do a killing. And then all that bean stalk that you could burn, that's just tree. You could char that real nice. Now we have three words from a listener. Thank you very much, listener. The people who support us on Patreon are able to donate $3 a month, and they're able to give us three words,

and we will use those words to come up with a sketch idea on the podcast. A dollar a word. The podcast being two in the think tank. Amazing. Bless you, listeners. Our listener today is Mr. And I'm sorry, I don't 100% know how to pronounce this,

but it is Donald Conacher. Oh. C-O-N-N-A-C-H-E-R. Conacher? Donald Conacher. I like it. Donaldacher. I like it. I like it, Donald. Now, Donald's, the Don's, the Don's three words are sensual, tongue, massage.

Right. Right. When you whispered these words to me before the podcast, I thought you said sensual dog massage. And I was anticipating this with a certain amount of trepidation. And it's actually a huge relief to hear that it's just a sensual tongue massage. Now, the question for obviously is are you massaging the tongue or are you being massaged with tongues?

Yeah, I think it's for yodelers because you've really got to watch out with what you're doing with tongues. Yeah, I think it's for yodelers because you really got to, like, watch out with what you do. That's true, yeah. Like, you just, I reckon they go, like, and instead of, you know how you stick your head in the massage thing? They'd have, like, a tiny massage hole that you put your tongue through. Just that. So you put your head through one hole and below that there's another smaller table with a smaller hole and you poke your tongue through that.

Yeah. Not to revisit ideas but this this nipple hotel guy with a little tongue hole as well he can get right in there absolutely for one of those paintings where the tongue is poking out yeah i mean he could lay under that table and he could just be like hello i'm back like that and then he goes this is one of the many services we offer give me your tongue like that and he just he goes, this is one of the many services we offer. Give me your tongue, like that. And he just starts like, so delicately pressing on your tongue

in places that you didn't even realize you carried tension in your tongue. And I think you could get like, I mean, it's got to be a pretty small person, but I reckon you could get someone doing like one of those foot massage things where they walk on your back,

on your tongue. Oh yeah. Like real, just some, or just like, maybe they step just maybe a normal size foot on the yeah just tread on your tongue you put your tongue out onto say like a step yeah right and they just press down with their heel yes but they make it sensual by saying sexy things oh yeah oh it's in like a steamy room with sort of like gentle music playing.

Yeah, and like a fake moon light. Yeah, fake moon light. Yes. Incense burning, but it's that like, oh, the one that hurts your nose. And then they say, oh, you got such a big butt. a big butt. Like that while they step on your tongue. They go, oh, your

butt is so big. And you're like, I don't know. You feel like it's like the doctor or the dentist. You feel pressure to make conversation while somebody's massaging your tongue.

How would you feel that? I am absolutely flabbergasted by the enormity of your butt. Oh, my God. Thank you very much. Thank you so much. What have you been doing today? So how long have you gone on your shift? Have you had children?

I've recently become a father. What a disservice. I was paid for. Or it's like... It feels quite nice. It's one of those stories, you know, like that story about like... This story that you used to hear, it's sort of like a joke. I don't know what it is, but it's a story about you go to a farm and the farmer's got three holes.

And he's saying you can put your dick in any one of these three holes. Do you know that story? I don't know this story, but it sounds like a story. Yeah, it sounds like a story. But it's a story that you would sort of hear at primary school or something, right? Like someone's staying at a farm. They're like, you can put your dick in any one of these three holes. But I won't tell you what's in the holes or something like that.

I can't remember the details. And you can't look. Right? But there's like that, right? But you go to a place and they're like, we offer the best tongue massage you'll ever experience. You have to put your tongue through this hole, right? But you can't ask any questions and we won't tell you what's on the other side of the hole. And you put your tongue through this hole right but we want we but you can't ask

any questions and we won't tell you what's on the other side of the hole you put your tongue through the hole and you proceed to receive the most glorious tongue massage you've ever experienced it's a transcendent experience when you retract your tongue it feels like you've got a new tongue feels like the first day you ever had your tongue all over again you got a baby's tongue yeah baby's tongue and you walk away right but then something goes wrong and you discover that on the other side of the hole there was actually and i don't i don't have the punchline it was the anus of the of the farmer it was somebody else putting their their tongue through a hole on the other side. It was a dog.

That's actually quite nice, really. There we go. We can bring your dog back in. Sensual dog massage. Combo. There we go. Perfect. When you said sensual dog massage before, I was picturing you get a bottle of baby oil

and you cover a dog in it. And then you get naked and you just rub each other. Oh, that's a cool thing to picture. See, I was thinking something like you just get, if you had a dog in a little pen above you, and it just ran across your back a lot. But you have to declaw it. No, I think a little bit of scritch.

You could have little boots on. Oh, there you go. That's another way of dealing with sexual birds. Sexual birds. Made of tongues. This is actually quite a good idea. The tongue boot. Or even tongue gloves.

Every finger becomes a tongue. What could be more sexy than that? Ten tongues on the end of your fingers and then you work your way over somebody's body with ten tongues. And on your toes, also more tongues. So you're sort of hunched up into a sort of a dead insect

like position with all these tongues and you can rub them all over someone. Or it'll allow you to upgrade kissing. Up your kissing game. These tongue fingers. Take your kissing game

to the next level. It's like I'm kissing ten people at once. It's a really quite aggressive TV ad for the tongue gloves. Can it start off with black and white footage of just two people kissing normally and then a big cross goes over it like,

are you sick and tired of this happening to you? But then how do you use it? Do you put your hands with the ten tongues into somebody else's mouth and scramble? Yeah, you just mush a little mushy. Work all over their face sort of like a cuttlefish or something, consuming them. Is that how you kiss, bruh?

Yeah, bruh. No, I guess I would have the two tongues on the thumbs that go into the mouth. Yeah. And then the four tongues that are on the fingers, I would sort of slide them over the face. See, I'd sneak one up into the nose. Oh, yes. Cheeky little nose tongue.

The sexiest thing to do before. Ah, the shocker. Maybe like kissing an octopus, but with two bonus ones as well. Two bonus octopuses. Bonus tentacles. Oh, yeah, that too. I don't want this Oh, well I'm sorry No and no

But you could also, you know, you could have some gloves that are like You know, some of the fingers are lips And then just the thumbs are tongues For the first time ever, the world's sexiest person The all nipple person has been beaten by someone, all nipples but with tongues for fingers. I don't have a tongue in my mouth. I'm a nipple.

They don't have a tongue in their mouth. I guess their tongue would also be made of nipple skin. It's another nipple. It secretes milk. Which allows them to feed off of themselves Oh, great That's why they'll never die Undying nipple man

Should I take us through the ideas there? If you can I mean, it feels like there's a lot on the list This feels like a very sexy episode It was the sexiest episode ever This was like after dark Alright, but you know, it started off more tame. Oh.

Like with us talking about murderers on the dark web. Yeah. And the algorithms on the dark web and the dark web's video website pushing everybody towards more extreme content like observational comedy from Jack Drews. everybody towards more extreme content like observational comedy from Jack Drew's and then we have the hot single researchers these are not researchers that are hot and single themselves no because that would actually affect the data and corrupted and quite well they found early on that that was distorting

their things they're all get into all decrepit in loveless marriages. Exactly. Arranged marriage. Yeah. And then they are looking for researchers in everybody's areas to see where the areas that have the most hot singles are and what other kinds of things could be hot singles. And maybe this is another thing that could be at the end of the weather report.

They could give us an update on where hot singles are at the end of each day. You know, tomorrow there's actually going to be months worth of hot singles. I hope they would always cover where hot craft singles are because that just means a nice piece of toast. Of course, yeah. Or like a burger. You could bring your own toast. Hot craft singles in your area.

You've got to turn that into something. Put that, do something with that on the internet. All right, I'll write it down. It'll just be that tweet, nothing else. And there's conversation hunters, and these are people who stand downwind from two people having a conversation so they don't hear them,

and then they kind of get most of the conversation and take the people down, mount them on the wall and then retell people the conversations. Then we've got partial taxidermy of the living. That's when you can get all the bits that you don't need to feel with.

Like the arm and the leg. The main section of the leg. You could put a little... Your leg could be a chest, and by chest I mean somewhere you can keep stuff. Exactly. You could put stuff in your thigh. Yes.

The chest of the leg. The chest. And then you probably don't have to maintain as much body, which might allow your body to live for longer. I think so. That works. maintain as much body, which might allow your body to live for longer. Dude. I think so. That works. Shorter people live forever, right?

Because they have less body to maintain? Yes. Then we got squeezy body room. The room that me and Beck's body will be cut up and hidden in and turned into a... It's hidden in. The bits will be hidden Beck's body will be cut up and hidden in and turned into a... It's hidden in. Yeah, the bits will be hidden around

and there'll be clues from pressing different body parts. You know, you squeeze a calf and it'll go, Moo! Check under the chair! I can't wait till the police play this podcast at our eventual murder by someone going, This sounds like a great idea! Sounds like a great idea that Sounds like a great idea. That problems you a lot. We got spies with cyanide teeth who only eat liquids.

Gives them away. Again, it writes itself. It's Jack and the Beanstalk's Fair Muggers. That's when he has to hide. I'll let you up. You can get naked and you can hide the beans somewhere on your body. We'll get naked too and we have nunchucks.

You can have a go with the nunchucks later. That's fair. Yeah, and then we'll look in three places in your body. If we can't find the beans, then, alright. Then we've got the

pornographic puzzle, which is then it's the guy who's horny enough to want to make a pornographic puzzle, but not so horny that he needs to, he can't wait seven hours of puzzle making. He might jack off over just the nipple. And then we got the nipple person, which is who's genetically engineered

to be the sexiest person on earth, made entirely out of nipples. Then we got the reverse hotel perv who puts his nipples through the painting so that other people can perv on him. So in a way, he's not a perv at all. No, he's a victim. Professional. He sues you for going to the hotel.

He's trying to escape Through his nipples That's how we make most of our money Lawsuits Lawsuits Some people would say you were asking for it By putting your nipples through the pedicure How dare you That's victim blaming

That's another sue Sensual tongue massage I've already forgotten But then tongue gloves Which obviously are a great idea And also I forgot to double Thank Donald Donald Conacher

Consider yourself double thanked, Don Yep And Yep. And... Everything I say is fake and everything I do is fictional. Wake it up as I go along and I say what I want to. Well, we really... Those songs are some of the best we've had in years. They're so full and rich. Rebecca Petratus or Beck Petratus,

where can people find you? On the internet. Oh my God, because you're an internet celebrity. On Twitter, at Beckness. On Instagram, at Beck Petratus. And just around the place, we'll be back with Gamey Gamey Game, which is a show we make on YouTube, but you can watch any episode.

It's not really about games. It is a lot about games, and then there's some fluffy fun. It's about Evan trying to make a show about video games, but no one else wants to. And I think that's the premise now. A lot of comedians get in the way. Yes. It's a bloody good fest. It's very funny. It I think that's the premise now. A lot of comedians get in the way. Yes. It's a bloody good fest.

It's very funny. It's very funny. Have a look. And Jack. Jack Drews. Hello, everyone. You have a newsletter. You should plug your newsletter.

It's the best. Oh, thanks, man. It's a very good newsletter. I have a newsletter. I don't know what it is exactly. Sometimes it's funny. Sometimes it's just trying to write interesting stuff. Sometimes it's plugging other stuff I'm doing, but I

like writing it. People seem to like it, so you can subscribe to that. The link is in my Twitter and Facebook and stuff, which is just at JackDrews. And the main thing I'd like to plug, if I may, is I recorded an album of my stand-up that is now on Spotify. Such a good show.

Spotify! Thank you. It's called Kitchen Bird and I've also put up a bunch of other audio recordings from a few years ago that are both up there now. All on Spotify? All on Spotify. Oh, sick. Alright, I'll listen to those as well. Is that easy to do? Someone did it for me.

That sounds pretty easy. But it's easy to listen to. Check out Jack Druth's Kitchen Bird I've seen the show live and it is fantastic and we are at 2 in Tank

I'm at Stupid on Andy and I'm at Alistair TB and you can review us on iTunes oh and we love that and you can review 2 in the Think Tank you can even go on

and review Shusher Guided Meditations even if you haven't listened to it yeah sure why not plug a different podcast yes hey I've been starting to plug 2 in the Think and review Shusher guided meditations, even if you haven't listened to it. Yeah, sure. Why not plug a different podcast? Yes. Hey, I've been starting to plug Two in the Think Tank on Shusher.

Really? Yeah. I think it screams at mid-meditation. It's so unsettling. Let's have a two in the think tank! And I believe that we love you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates.

I mean, if you want. It's up to you.