Two In The Think Tank - 203 - "THE NEW SMOKING"

Episode Date: October 8, 2019

Dead Doctors, Bacterial Elevation, 2D Layer Future, Fart Pipe, Behind Eyeball Treasure, Finders Feecare, Code Red Hot, Reverse NikitaPlease check out Andy's appearance on Don't You Know Who I AmHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereGlobular, glistening thanks to George Matthews for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Got a port out on the big spot where I'd make jokes. Pour it out and watch it as it sinks through the gap and it forms a little pile of cat-feeling crap. But, look, that, look, Pat. Did I ruin your thing there, do you think? In no way. Right. Andy, I liked it.

You turned it into a thing. It was very rhythmic. It was lyrical. I was trying to transform it. That's two or the big three. Yeah, to be honest, I did not get here much of what you were doing. But I liked that it had a narrative

because that allowed my thing to keep transforming slowly. It evolves in the background like a bacteria in a hospital. Well, also depending assuming that there's no bacteria in the foreground. But as we know about bacteria, it's everywhere unless the foreground is all bleach. I think that we, you know, we've made a mistake with hospitals in that we've created environment where the bacteria are evolving and becoming stronger. But the doctors themselves aren't evolving. Like the doctors are protected from illness, you know, they probably go out of their way to like try

and make them well when they get sick and that sort of thing. Whereas we should be letting the doctors die, let the weak doctors die off, right? Maybe even deliberately harshly try and kill them off, right? So that the few surviving doctors are able to breed and create a new generation of doctors that's even better at curing medicine than the previous generation of doctors. Or, yes. We could go the opposite way. Okay.

And we could instead of killing all the bacteria, we could keep it alive so it doesn't evolve. And make it immortal. Well, this is... So the end, sterile. Ah! So it has no incentive to reproduce. Well, maybe, I mean, the key to controlling reproduction levels is,

obviously, often education. The more money you put into education, to reproduce. Well, maybe, I mean, the key to controlling reproduction levels is obviously often education. The more money you put into education, the lower birth rates are in a country, you know, the development. I think we need to be, well, it's a very scanned an avian thing to do, Alistair. Every bacteria at a hospital is actually trained up and given its own medical degree. Wow. Yes. And now, it's working so hard, it doesn't have time to divide and create more bacteria which will go into and go on to infect the surgical equipment. It's overworked. If anything, it's more likely to die driving home from the hospital after a 24-hour shift in an accident that it is in some sort of antibiotic type situations.

Antibiotic bacteria and developing antibiotic resistance, sure, but now we've got to look at what are the other things that can kill you, that aren't antibiotics, overwork, you know, stress. And so that's how we're trying to kill them? That's how we're trying to kill them? That's how we're trying to kill them by employing them as doctors and forcing them to die in road accidents. But then will we then create a super race of bacteria that is...

Immune to road accidents? Immune to road accidents and stress. And long hours, bacteria that can work non-stop. Is there a problem with that? Do you see a problem with that? Not yet. But maybe that lack of foresight. I don't know, has there ever been a problem with that? Have there ever been unintended consequences to medical breakthroughs? I don't think so. Do mean, we have two ideas here.

Oh, well, hang on, tell me both of them. Well, the bacteria is evolving and getting stronger, but doctors aren't. Doctors aren't. OK, yes, absolutely that is one idea. And then there's a separate idea, which is, can we kill the bacteria with overwork? Seems to work on our...

But trust initially. But initially it was by educating them. Yeah. Yeah, it's a bit messy in the middle there. Like, what exactly is it, you know? But I do believe that it is Scandinavian. Well, we do know that in Avia. It is Scandinavian. It's very Scandinavian. It's very Swedish.

Yeah. If you're wondering if things sound a little different here in the booth today, it's because we're not in the booth, we're recording downstairs in the film studio, it's stupid old studios, sitting on quite uncomfortable chairs, looking into each other's crotches, because now we can see the crotch, obviously. Normally, what's intriguing to us on the podcast is what's concealed, but now the crotch is revealed, because there's no desk between us and and it's just there to be seen. I was just writing down quite a bit of detail so

I've got into sort of probably more detail than I should but while I've got your attention I'll mention that I was recently on the Don't You Know Who I am podcast by Josh El also part of the Planet Broadcasting Network I had a jolly good time. Said a lot of things I regret worry that I embarrassed my parents and possibly other members of my family as well. But it was a great cast of characters on that show. Randy was on. The puppet.

The puppet, Randy. Claire. And Hagen. Hagen and Ben Vannell. Yeah, great. That's a good fun. You know who we haven't had on the podcast who we should? Hey, Josh Arrell. Josh Arrell. That's a little bit funny. You know who we haven't had on the podcast who we should?

Hey, Joshua. Joshua! Joshua, for years, did a weekly sketch show on Triple R, called Lime Champions. He's probably produced more sketch content than most people working in comedy. Including us. Yes, heaps more.

He actually made them. Didn't just talk about them. Yeah. Do you think we should do a weekly... Hello. Sketch show? you think we should do a weekly? Hello. Sketch show? I think we should. Here's what's crazy.

We and me have been talking about doing a weekly sci-fi story show. And so like one of our beta bonus episodes, the sci-fi try guys, we've been considering maybe just, because it's so satisfying to write these things and then put them out there that maybe one day we should do them just as a regular out in the world podcast.

If we can find the time or if we can somehow justify it with our lives. Sure. As they are. But we've never been like, well we have said that maybe one day we would do us write a sketch show. But maybe does it feel harder to think to write a sketch show? It feels, I think it's much harder. And it's because the way we've structured the science fiction

thing is that we do them separately, and then we just come together and read them to each other. It fits into our lives a lot better, and there's no production values. It fits with our policy of doing the minimum amount of work possible to create a product. Is that having to edit and make sure that things are dense with punch lines? These can still be funny, but they're not necessarily. That's the trick with stories and with drama.

They can just be interesting. They don't have to be funny. So if there's a gap between jokes, you just put something in there about like a supernova that's clad with the glory of the dying eyes of an entire civilization. Then you're like, oh, then that gets you through a couple of lines. Everyone's distracted by the majoring visuals. Exactly. And then they're not laughing. You've given the brain something to look at.

They're not laughing. They're shitting themselves. Yeah, with the drama. With the power of drama. That's the natural reaction, you know? Comedy gets laughter. Oh, but drama, you shit yourself. If it's done right.

If it's done right, that's kind of horror, isn't it? Like you piss yourself or you shit yourself with fear. That's kind of the big laugh. I think really with horror, it's you experience trauma. Trauma, yes. Because then, you know, like, you know, we all have trauma from having watched a horror movie too early when we were kids.

One thing that scarred us for 10 years, where now it might not hurt us. Back then, it was causing nightmares that we believe might have been real. This is the other, of Around the Twist, where there's a skeleton on the toilet seat, or the two or three seconds of Jurassic Park that I saw from behind the couch, where the guy gets bitten in half when he's sitting on the toilet.

Results again in my years of toilet terror. That's true. Yeah. But you actually did have toilet seat terror, didn't you? Yeah, I was scared of toilets. It's so weird. But like you thought it was based on your word about germs that you caught from toilet seats, but turns out you were worried about either skeletons or dinosaurs. Yeah, but you couldn't admit that.

Apparently that's something that you can't say publicly. or dinosaurs. Yeah, but you could admit that. I could. That's not, apparently, that's something that you can't say publicly. But if everyone, if you just tell people you're a germaphobe or something like that, you know, I think it's a good cover. If you were scared of something absurd, like, you know, that you might have your soul stolen by a terraforming polymorphic transforming alien spirit, you know, in somebody else's body, trapped in someone else's body. You just say you were a germapobe, so that you didn't ever have to touch them

and have them take your DNA, right? But, but germapobe, everyone's like, oh yeah, right. Makes a lot of sense. Is there a sketch in there? Um... Well, I think, I think, it's sort of a guide to concealing your neuroses as publicly acceptable behaviors could be good, right? Like how do you say you've got agrophobia?

How do you dress that up as something that agrophobia is one that's maybe more acceptable, there's more social understanding of that. But, you know, I guess you could sort of do like John Lennon and Nioko instead of have bed-ins or sleep-ins or whatever. Turn it into a protest. Turn it into a protest. Oh, I'm not terrified of it. I'm boycotting it. It's a very different thing. I'm boycotting the environment. I'm taking a political stance. Boycotting the environment. Could this be our political, our way that we protest climate change, boycotting the environment?

Well, you know, I told you that they found that there was some company that found a new type of food. And it was just like a bacteria or something like that that they could reproduce. And then they just breed it, you know, basically separate from the rest of the environment. Obviously, it has to be fed something. Separate from the environment.

Well, kind of. Like, you don't need ag, it's not agriculture. Right. It's like, it's not, it's not, it's not part of existing food chains in any way. Does it get energy from the sun? Possibly. Yeah. Right.

And then, and then you would breathe that, and then it becomes like a meal essentially. Sounds great. Let's get that go. Something like that. And so it's just a piece, so you can use it like a powder, like a bread type thing. It's kind of like the dark web, right? And then it's like it's just a separate internet. This is a totally separate ecosystem, right?

That we've got to be able to create these things so that we can live in the chambers that will be our home. A hollowed underground, yes. When the earth is scorched. I don't think it's, we're that far away from sort of that matrix thing where they're living underground, we're near the core, where it's still warm. We're still warm.

Or cold, in this case. It's actually, we made the earth surface so hot, and relatively speaking, it was better down here in the core. Yeah, but there's that comfortable place in between the scorched earth on the surface. There's gotta be. And the, you know, the 10,000 degrees. So we find that area, right? But it turns out that it's only a radius of about a foot,

you know, where you can lay. Or just lay. We're all just lying down and crawling around. We become two-dimensional. Two, we become living on a two-dimensional surface, like little, you know, polygonic, little creatures. Then we would very easily be convinced, you know, say you're the third generation of those people.

Yes. You could easily be convinced that you just live on a flat plane. On a flat plane and there is no up and down. Well, of course not, because up is just backscraping. Yes, and down is just belly scraping. You would never look up there. Yeah. Or back down there. Because if you look up, you just get dirt in your eye. Yes. And down is just belly scrapes. You would never look up there. Yeah.

Or back down there. Because if you look up you just get dirt in your eye. Correct. But if you look down you get dirt in your eye. Is this a sketch? I realize this is quite a bit like a science fiction story that I wrote on the sci-fi try. It's actually like two science fiction stories that you wrote on sci-fi try. I said, because you had one where it was set in a 2D world and they didn't know about the three. But then you also just wrote that other one, where people were generations deep into a multi-generational

space ship journey, and they had forgotten what the original story and why they were on there and what this was and things like that. So it's a mixture of both of them. I wonder if you could carve out an entire hollow layer within the earth, right? Think about this, right? If there was a hollow layer inside the earth, would anything

change? Because I don't think it would collapse down, right? Because there's enough earth, like it would be pulled equally at every point by the gravitational attraction. Like the outer layer wouldn't collapse because it would be pulled equally at every point by the gravitational attraction, right? And the inner layer is pulled in.

So I think you could have just like a consistent gap all the way around. You mean like an archway? Yeah. But it goes all the way around. Correct. That is earth-sized. Yeah. But that goes all the way around. Correct. That is earth size. Yeah, I wonder, I mean,

if there was any structural weakness at all in that outer layer, it would collapse and everyone would die. Yeah. But I like the, I like a chaed. I like a pump. So I'll take a risk. Sure. I mean, it's like an Easter egg kind of model of Earth.

Because it has just that outer layer, but then nothing in the middle. But I guess this would have something in the middle. It would have another dense core. Yes. But it's just a, would it just float above it? I guess it just, yeah. I guess you could put up some pylons, surely.

Some structural babes. I suppose we could have some structural beams. I was hoping it could be a total free, you know, like an open plan kind of situation. We're in the architect. When we crawl around and see things. We're using your bacteria that just grows anywhere. It just grows on the ground, right?

So we're crawling across it and eating it up like a little limpet. Mm-hmm. You know, and our mouths would evolve to become basically sort of like big sort of vacuum cleaner type suction things that just hover their way along. And we could just breathe them in a pouch under our necks. So we're self-contained. Yeah, like that. And so then whenever we need it,

we just open that pouch. Oh, and we eat, but why isn't it already just inside? And whenever we need it, we just swallow it. It's not our mouth, because then what about when you want me to talk and stuff? And we won't talk. Or if we communicate it will be with the tips of our fingers wiggling them at each other. Yeah but how will we breathe? This is what I wonder.

We'll breathe but to but! In the cloacle, Kierseller's there. Because the male genitalia will have had to change because it will have been scraped off from all the crawling. Oh yeah. And it'll have to move around. It'll be like a natural circumcision that goes all the way down.

Correct. Because it's like a budgie's beak on some cuddlefish. And you keep wearing it down until eventually, it's the perfect size, which is no size. No, no, no. In terms of the coackel one. How about the testicle bag? Will that be worn down so that just the testicle sort of,

just kind of drags the rope. They will draw on back within us. You're sort of pulling them like a cowboy but on a rope behind a horse. And so they're out of the bag and it's just individual testicles attached by the vast difference. Is that the vast difference? No, I hope so. Yeah, and it's a great word. And they just bounce along around like cans behind are just married, wedding couple in there, limousine.

Like cans behind are just married, wedding couple in the limousine. And maybe they're just... And there's a little sign stuck to your butt that says, just tore my ball bag off. And maybe they're just like, you know, every now and then you accidentally pierce one on a sharp rock. Okay.

As you're crawling through this sort of, I guess, this your body-sized, thick tunnel that goes all the way up the world. Occasionally, you pierce them on a sharp rock and splooge, seaks out. So it seaps out. And then other people who are crawling behind you, they become impregnated.

They become impregnated. As they crawl across the pool of loose splooge. Yeah, it's not necessarily a pool. They're just dotted about as it's spalled. You've spalled. It's spalled, yeah. Uncontrollable. From your peers.

Yeah, yeah, no, I think that works. I'm looking forward to it, to be honest. Yeah, I'm sad that we have to go out in the sun. Because I mean, that's where they will have no sun cancer. I mean, sun cancer. I mean sun cancer. While we're pitching Brave New World's Elisabeth, can I re-mention something that I mentioned to you just before we did the podcast, which is my public toilet solution for farting, which is because we have, you know, methane is obviously an environmental issue because of the atmosphere. We have a place where you can we, we have a place where you can poo, but there's no public receptacle for farts. And I think that we could just have sort of like,

almost like, I'm sure the Dyson people can get onto this, but like just down on the sides of buildings, maybe next to those fire, hose, hydrogen areas, just a hole that sucks at all times. If you're gonna fart, you go stand, and you fart into the hole, it's like a sucks it away. Like what smokers do these days, they hang out in a group, and they just fart around this.

Instead of like an ash tray, it's just a little pipe. And farting then could become the new smoking. You say, anybody wanna go on a fart break, right? A new and you work colleagues, you go in your huddle around, near, and you sort of stink together and you stand around your chat about the weekend. Take it in turns, let them rip into the pipe. Yeah, make it cool. You can hold two fingers up in your skirt. Make it those two fingers that you would normally use to secure a cigarette between your

feet. You could use them to part your cheeks. I was going to say we could have a sort of a cigarette-type little pipe thing, which you hold to your butt to guide the fart into the public thing, because you probably don't want to make butt contact with the public pipe that would be disgusting. But you can have quite a cool little Audrey Hepburn style, little cigarette holder that you just, you know, hold between the two fingers to your butt, and fall out there. Or maybe like a little funnel, like a little cone. A funnel, a cone, yes. Obviously has that thin bit that you can keep

between your fingers, but then you just place it to the back of your butt and then, and it's just great. It's just great. It's just great. It's just a world such a better place. Can you write that down? I've written down.

Oh, lovely. Public fart. Public fart works. Do you have a favorite public art work, Alistair? You know, like the ones by the side of the road? I don't know if they have this elsewhere in other countries, but as part of infrastructure laws in Victoria, right? Major infrastructure projects have to dedicate a certain amount of their budget, a certain percentage to art.

And that's why when you drive down a lot of freeways or toll roads in Melbourne, there are big public artworks, like a huge sculptures next to the road. I love that. I really like that, there's a wire one that's done with wires. And it's just, it's probably 2D, but it looks like a house. Yeah, a big double story house.

It's double story. As you you come off the, um... The kind of house that I could never afford. Correct. Even an, even in 2D. Couldn't even afford a drawing of it. No. That, have you, have you driven past that a lot? Oh, quite a few. That is the stinkiest section of road.

Really? Yeah. Just when you come off that, that, that exit there to get onto the, the Western ring road, I think it is, is just like a miasma of stage. There must be, I don't know what it is, but there's something near there where exactly as you turn to drive into Melbourne, you pass through a cloud of like perma stench and it smells so bad. Is there a syringe? No, sylage. Sylage? Would it be, is there dairy cows or anything like that? and it smells so bad. Surridge? No, silage. Syledge. Would it be, is there dairy cows or anything in the area?

I don't think so. It's quite an industrial area. Mm. Yeah. It could be a syledge. It could be a syledge. It could be a syledge. Yeah.

Yeah. They make cows. Yeah. Um, yes. It's bad. Is it what silage is? I think it's just rotten grass, isn't it? I think it's grass that's had maybe milk poured on it.

Really? Maybe something like that. I know. Well, my understanding of silages is that you just take fresh grass when it's been cut like you would for hay. You cover it with plastic sheeting and you let it ferment. And that begins a digestive process that would otherwise take place inside the cow. It means that the cows are actually able

to get more nutritional value out of the grass than they would otherwise. I don't know if you need to cover it with milk. Maybe that's just if you're having it for breakfast with your cereal. Or maybe that would help have, you know, for their, to be from the cow digestive. For the cow digestive.

For the sugar. The sugar is in the milk, you know, or the bacterial in the milk, you know, I don't know. Chuck a bit of cow, a bit of milk in there, a bit of cheese, bit of... Cheese. Let's get a couple, just a couple of cereal blocks of, you know, bigger, hard, bigger, strong and bitey, vintage, chatter cheese. Kilo blocks, so that, yeah.

I don't think they, you can sell the Kilo blocks. They wouldn't, when you get into the vintage area, you're lucky to go above 250 grams. When I worked at the big cheese factory, yes, you've got cheese in your veins. It's in the trim room. That's where you get those big 20 kilo blocks go out onto the 20 kilo blocks.

Well, that's what they go out onto the conveyor baits, on each one of the lines. And then they get chopped up into one kilo blocks. But there's all those sides. You know that the sides and the 20 kilo blocks when they come out of the... Because they were a bit of regularly shaped or something like that. They've got a weird kind of skin to them, like not kind of skin, but they're like a coating, which has been shiny and things like that.

You don't want that beautiful matte finish on your blocking chains. Yeah, and so they trim off all those sides, and then all those trims go to the trim room. Yeah. Like that, right? And then, in Superman 3, what's his rich and prior developed away of an algorithm that allowed him to siphon off all those trimmed pieces of cheese and put them

into a special cheese account? Well,'s genuinely like it goes into the trim room then you put those into 20 kilo bags, you vacuum and seal them, but then they get used in stuff like the breaded cheese for pizzas. No, I think they might use 20 kilo of looks for that. Yeah. They will use it in the individually wrapped slices, IWS. Right. And they're able to then get a lot more out of it that way. Of course, and it doesn't have to look beautiful. Yeah. Do they then process it in some way to get the individually wrapped process? They're put in slices, they're put through something and it becomes weird.

Yeah, yeah. It doesn't feel like real cheese. Yeah, but I mean it's been yeah, it's been ground up and then it would have done something would have been done to it to get that shiny finish. It's been done to it. You give it that shiny finish it was very different to what you want with the with the with the block and you give that natural matte look. Yeah you want those to be shiny. And then these ones you want to be shiny thing and you want it to be uniform. Beautifully you know what I want. I want to I want the opportunity to buy a 20 kilo block of cheese.

You know, I want, who are they to deny me that? Right, if that's what I want, I should be able to get that, you know. It would take up a lot of your fridge. I don't care. Yeah, no, you're right. You should be allowed to. Yeah, but I'm being stopped from becoming my... Well, have you ever called the factor? True self. Yeah, call should be allowed to. Yeah, but I'm being stopped from becoming my...

Have you ever called the factor? True self. Yeah, call the factor. I kind of get one of those. Think of the size of the goblet you could do at all. I could whittle a trough. An entire trough house to a keg. And you and a bunch of pigs.

Yes. Could drink wine out of it. Drink wine out of it. Wine with swine. That'll be my new podcast. Oh, so it'll be a podcast. It's a podcast. It's a podcast. No, no, just a lot of mouth noise. It could be like shushar to think that people used to get to sleep. They just listen to you and a bunch of pigs.

Cut it out of chase, Troll. A cheese Troll. And then you'll, and it you'll and it'll be you guys drinking the wine but you're trying to stop the pigs from eating the cheese. I don't know if this would help people get to sleep it actually so it's quite stressful. No, that's gonna be good. Is it a matter of sketch? We talked for a long time with via public art, Smelly Road, Cheat, Ruff Cuts. What a journey though. We got to something now.

Is there a sketch in that? I don't know if there is. It's hard to. It's kind of a standalone piece. Yeah. It stands alone and away from the vendigrime of what sketches could be. It stands alone because nothing else wants to be associated with it. Maybe you're right there.

Because it's farting into a tube. Oh no, as we address the new thing, that's going to be a communal thing. That's a social thing. That's a social thing. It actually brings people together. Yeah. And then it can be like an intimate thing where like, you know, if you're having, if you're flirting with someone, they can ask to borrow your tube. That's why they call it bombing a tube. Yeah, bombing a cigarette.

Can I bomb your tube? And I bomb a tube off you. So people just have a pack of reusable tubes if they think I need them. So there still feels like smoking or you know, you could do that thing where you tap the box and then one sticks out and then, and just little metal, it'll just be those metal straws that we'll use for. That woman fell over and pierced her eye and went into a brain and killed her instantly. But that up against our most precious of holes. It's a beautiful thing. Do you consider the eye socket an orifice?

Because the eye in a way sort of stops it from being an orifice. I consider consider the eye socket an orifice? Because the eye, in a way, sort of stops it from being an orifice. I consider it to be a plugged orifice. I, like, it's the socket itself, absolutely an orifice. But the eye is, is like a permanent plug. It feels like it's sort of the stopper that you would put in the tip in the top of, like one of those whiskey begins with the D decanters,

you know, like a little, little stopper there. Stuff could come out of the eye. Absolutely, but we've plugged it. But that's usually that there's like a little hole on the edge of the eye where the tear ducts are. Right, that's true. So it is that there's a little gap there that things can sneak out. Like I said this before, I think things can get behind the eye by riding on the eyeball, and then behind the eyeball I reckon is a mess. It's just lots of eyelashes and there's gunk back there and things like that. Like down the back of a couch. Like down the back of a couch, yeah.

Have we talked about this on the podcast? Maybe, I think it feels like something. It's a great theory. I think that when you're looking for coins because you need to buy something, or like you're trying to pay the parking, you pulled up somewhere and you search around in the car and you look at the little thing, all the places where grit builds up in the car, in the various compartments and that sort of thing, then you should sort of check behind your eye, get a finger back there, feel around, there's probably a couple of bucks back there.

This should be something people should ask their optometrist. Is there anything back there? Yeah, there's something back there, I don't know if you can see through there. But can we look? I think they definitely have some sort of little thing, little widget that they can get in behind, scrape around, pull stuff out. Oh yeah, you got heaps of stuff back here, you'll feel better now. Yeah, there would, like, there should be like a, what's that thing where you, it's like a colonic for your eye socket. Mm, an animal. Yeah, like an animal, but an animal.

An animal. A-I-I-R. I-I-R. There you go. Beautiful. I think it's an eye anima, sort of, or like an op-tronker just looking around the back of your eye and finding a bunch of stuff. Is that a sketch? What about, it's a person who's been looking for change. And I just have this theory that there might be some behind my eye, because you know, things get there. I don't know.

It's not quite a sketch like that yet. Yeah, like you're talking about like in my sort of hypothetical type snow where you're waiting in the car looking for parking meter change or that sort of thing. Yeah, well how would it get in there? Like it would have to fall out on your pillow I push you and while you're sleeping, right? And then somehow get behind.

But not a lot of falls on your pillow during while you're sleeping because the tooth fairy misses. Really good. I was trying to think, why would there ever be change on a pillow? You've got the exact situation, Alistair. Tooth fairy. Right. The whole bunch back there. It's like the thing that we've talked about on the podcast and turned into a sketch about the number of spiders that you eat while you're sleeping.

This is another great possible fact. You know, everybody over their lifetime on average collects about three or four dollars of change behind their eyeball from misplaced to fairy money that gets behind their eye while they're sleeping. Yeah, and they go, do you think that time it just could say, now there's three, there's $3.45 in there from when you were a kid, but if you allow for inflation, that's actually $7, but unfortunately we can't allow for inflation

because it's just coins. And also, yeah, that's not really how that works. It would actually be worth less now, I think. Right? Like inflation means that the dollars of yesterday aren't worth as much now. Yeah, but I mean, if you'd used those dollars back then to buy something, the value of that thing would have increased in dollar terms because of inflation, but the dollars themselves actually will have gone down in value. In real terms. What the doctor, maybe what the optometrist says to you, as he says, or she says, my doctor, my latest optometrist was a woman.

And she says, I can get this out for you, but I'll split it with you. All right, 64, fall into space. And that's how they pay for it. Well, that's because they could say, I guess that's maybe how the sketch could work is that they're like, no, how's it going in there? You know, you ask it about your own, as they're looking deep into it.

They say, I found $3.40. What? Well, and then that whole thing, and then they go, I found three dollars forty. What? Well, and then that whole thing and then they go, I'll get it out, but I'll split it with it. Yeah. Yeah. Following this thing. Because you've been going about your life not knowing them.

You wouldn't have got this. I mean, you can try and get it out yourself, but you'll do damage. I can do this. Yeah. I can get it out clean. And I'll do it pro bono just for the just for the money. Just for you know it's a no with it's a no win no fee type on top of trust where you go in they don't charge you any more than the money

that they can find behind your eye. And 60% of the money they can find behind your eye. I think I think in general this could be a whole new model for Medicare, because people also swallow coins when they go to the doctor when they're a kid and that's something. So there'd be coins in your belly and that sort of thing. And the doctor says, I can fix you up, but I get to keep any money I find on you. Yeah, maybe they could also just extract any iron from your blood, so like that the the current iron rate. Yeah, yeah. I mean you probably need some of that iron. Now your iron levels are good right now but you're going to have to start eating a lot of capsicum and beef because I'm going to take most of that iron to pay for this session.

Correct. And sell it to BHP. Yeah, I like I like I like if sort of a finder's fee based type, Dr's medical establishment where, you know, and if there's things like, you know, a couple of teeth that they know that you don't use, right, they can look at the wear and tear patterns on your teeth and say, he's not even using this teeth, they can take those teeth, right, and then they can sell them onto somebody else's teeth. Maybe they could teeth. After the checkup, you know, and this is a good way of ensuring that they're actually having a good look at your body, they can give you a series of options of how you could

pay. They go, now, right now the kidney market is absolutely hot. So you could get in there and you could get three times what you could have got for your kidney last week. Now kidney, oh wait, that's right, you've still got two, so that's great. Liver, I only want to take 20% and that'll grow back. So I don't know what you're thinking, but, or if you don't like that, I'm going to take, you know, I found a,

is that pimple for sale? Do you think you can part with that pimple? We got a movie set on coming in who they need some very real looking pimples. Yeah, postural type of situation. Full like that. If you can hold off on poppin' that in the next couple hours. I can give you a top dollar.

Top dollar. Alistair. That's how you make medicine free. Yeah, yeah. Well, by extracting value from the human body, just money that's just sitting idle. Why can't the body be a mind, you know? Mm. What's mind is mind.

Yeah, there's yours to mind. Yeah, I love it. If we got enough ideas to go on to a suggestion from a listener of the podcast? We only have six. Oh, well, that's exactly enough. All right, we'll do three words from a listener, a listener, which is a $3 Patreon supporter, or higher, is allowed to suggest... Oh, higher, it's fine as well. Yeah, we're okay with higher.

Thank you to everybody who supports us on Patreon. It brings us so much joy and money and helps us. Right now, it's because I'm, we're unemployed for four months, it is unbelievably important. So thank you very much. Yes, you have no idea. So thank you very much.

Today's supporter is called David Born. Do you think that the movie, The Born Identity? Do you think that that was just- I liked it. No, no, no. What made you think of The Born Identity? Oh, David Born's name. Oh, yeah, great.

But do you think that in some way that name is kind of a pun? Because like at the beginning of the first film, he sort of like pulled out of water, which is a kind of a birth, so he's kind of reborn in a way. Yeah. Was it, what do you think that was there as an element? I mean, it would be sick if the writer hadn't thought of that. I hope they thought of that.

But they should have found him in some kind of like... Goo. It should have been gooey. Yeah. What's the gooeyest of all the oceans that he could have been pulled out? He should have come out of like a whale's orifice. Mm. Any of, any of, any of, any.

He would have been fine. Okay. You know, I'm not pretty good. I don't really care. Could have been round the eyeball. Or could have come out of like an oil tank. Mm. You know, like just like an oil vet,

like he'd fallen into an oil vat in the back of a fishing chip shop. It's exactly the same movie as the born identity except at the beginning and instead of being pulled out of some Russian ocean, he is pulled out of, in Ace Ventura, where nature and call style, he's pulled out of the ainess of a bourgeois right off the earth. Exactly the same film, comes out of the aides of a rite-osters, doesn't same film. Yeah. Comes out of the aides of a rhinoceros, doesn't have any memory. Yeah. Is that too much to ask?

It doesn't seem like it was asked. And I mean, and it's due for a reboot. It is. It is. They will definitely do that. They'll get whoever that guy is from the rocket man. I'll get him. He'll do it. Really? That's what I reckon. Haven't seen it. from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the from... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the from... from the... from the from... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from the... from too little. There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career in a rewarding field, with plenty of growth opportunities and

often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time, mycomputercareer.edu. Eddie, you know that guy? Peppertoche. Ray, Mike, the board on Eddie with Eddie Peppertoche. Yeah, he played, he played Eddie Redman. Yeah, Eddie Redman.

Yeah, yeah. He always does a fairly eccentric kind of, makes a lot of choices. A lot of that about his acting. He makes choices. Mmm, that's right. He's not, he's not just a straight-meeting potato. No, no, no, no, no. You know?

Oh, it's like I've heard about this in jazz that there would be guys who, they just play, they just play the song as written on the thing and they're called a legit guy, a legit man. Yeah, right. And so, you know, thing, and they're called a legit man. Yeah, right. And so, you know, Ellington would have a few legit men on his orchestra. Right. And then you give the flair to somebody else.

Yeah. But you need these legit guys to give the sort of strong backing and then you give the flair to somebody else. That's what Eddie Redmayne isn't. Yes. He's not legit. I'd love to just make a movie where we only cast people called Eddie. I think that would be really fun. We get Eddie Murphy, we get Eddie Redmane, we get Eddie Peppaton.

This is an approach to casting, you know, to filmmaking in general. You don't even think about what the film's going to be until you've cast all your eddies. Would you allow any edmonds? Like food, yeah. I would, and I'd love, I'd get eddy falco as well. I'll see you'd allow eddies. Yeah.

I, in fact, I'd allow anyone, really. Yeah. It's whatever we could get. Couple of marks, maybe a clementine, a Charles. I don't really marry to this already. I even cast a chair and won the main role. Correct. So hi David. Hi. We, so David's three words. Do you want to try to guess what they are? Rip Torren's obituary. No. Dan.

You didn't get a single one, right? Do I have one more guess? Okay. Coriander repurposing obsessive. God, you're bad at this. Yeah, I just embarrassed myself. obsessive. God, youater. Courier. Modulation heater courier. Yeah, I'd like to apologize for David. I had you I had you were all wrong. Yeah, you know

Those discussed I'm a I'm a bad I wouldn't surprise if if nobody listens to the 204th episode of this new season. Mm-hmm Mm-hmm. I mean the fourth episode of this new season. Mm-hmm. I mean, the fourth episode of this season. This season, nobody's coming back. Season two. Um, imagine that. Season two is actually, it's not the show that changes. It's the audience.

They change in that they go away. Ha-ha-ha. Hey, it would be the first time that it happened. Yeah. Modulation, heater, courier. Mm-hmm. Modulation, I'm seeing like, I'm seeing like, I smell like square waves. Yeah. Well, here's, I'm seeing like, I'm seeing like, a swan of square waves.

Yeah. Well, here's what I'm feeling, right? Is that we haven't ever really, as far as I'm aware, used heat as a form of communication. We modulate all sorts of things. We imagine like vibration in the air. We use color. We use even movement vibration.

All these kinds of things. Pigeons? Exactly, we modulate pigeons. It's more like with pigeons. Okay, so that's four pigeons, then a gap. Then another six pigeons. I don't even know if that was actual gap of one of the pigeons just caught up with one of the other pigeons.

Oh no, they're good pigeons. Oh no, that pigeon, it was Eddie Pigeon. We're just accustomed in this movie. Pigeons were all called Eddie. Well, Eddie, that was so good Eddie. Oh no, they're all good Eddie's. Anyway, I just wanted you to modulate heat, hot cold, hot cold, hot cold to try to communicate something.

Have we done that with that game hot and cold? Oh, you're getting hot, getting hotter? Oh my god. Oh, you're getting colder. Yeah, I guess that communicates the location, doesn't it? But could you communicate, let's say you're the CIA, and you're trying to communicate with your spy. Yeah.

And he's in a hotel. Right. But he lives with the person that he's spying against. Okay. Or how about she lives with the guy that she's spying on. Yes. Who is some diplomat from Bulgaria. And she's there to make sure that the USSR...

Bulgaria, the land of tomorrow. The land of tomorrow and yesterday. And I think that's something for about 200 episodes that you made on a listen to. But we talked a lot about speculative ideas about what Bulgaria might be like. I think I've read something recently that mentioned Bulgaria and I was like, ah, things aren't as good there as we might have hoped. Well, we thought that they were good, but also very bad. Correct.

And so then, so in order for the CIA, she's always being watched. The guy could even be in the room with her, sitting on the toilet while she bathes, because he's very clingy, like that. But she's in the bath and the taps on, and it's filling up, and what he doesn't know, but she does, is that the CIA has wired that tap. Yes.

Right. And they are filling up the bath, and her foot, her toe, is just in the thing. has wired that tap. Yes. Right. Right. And they are filling up the bath, and her foot, her toe, is just in the thing. Normally, you tap into a wire. Here, they've wired into a tap. They flip the whole figure out. And they're making the water hot and cold.

She's getting pneumonia, because it always changes in temperature. She's getting the message, which is, hang tight. Don't do anything. Don't do anything for now. Doing great. How's the Bulgarian? We should know.

And then how is she communicating back to them? Or is this just a one way thing? Pigeons? She's releasing a modulated stream of pigeons? Hmm. Well, she could be using heat as well. Right. What ways could you...

You know how like you can push so that your heart and your sort of gut somewhere, so that your face goes red? Red, yeah. So do you think? That's a great way to communicate. But that she could be putting pressure on her head. Yes. And they just threw the window or shooting a laser.

Yep. And that it's just a temperature laser onto her forehead. And so over the course of like 24 hours of doing this. This is while she's bathing. Yeah. So they're having a conversation. And the guy's sitting there and he's like looking at his phone while she's bathing. Yeah. So they're having a conversation and the guy's sitting there and he's like looking at his phone and he's talking to her. And their face is going red.

And she goes, oh yes, he's that. And she's got the tap running, the whole time. That's that running. She loves to, she's just like, I like, I like. She should be in the shower. That makes more sense. No. Then the shower is going to go over her face. She doesn't like the I like, I like. She should be in the shower. That makes more sense. No, then the shower's gonna go over her face. She doesn't like the water to go over her face. No. She just has it going over her shoulder. Because she's got that weird pressure thing. Yeah. And she goes, I'm sorry, I'm just getting furious about those,

that parking ticket earlier. Yeah. Okay, alternately furious and calm. No, you know what, I'm okay with it. Yeah, okay. Alternately furious and calm. No, you're not. I'm okay with it. Oh, like that. I'll say this is a beautiful scene from what I'm sure will be a very successful film. And it's called, well, maybe this could be part of the born,

the new born, the born, the new born franchise that we're doing. We're going to go out and rock it, mate. They come out of some mammalian aura. Yes, she. Oh, she does, yeah. That's right. And yeah, great.

I like that a lot. I mean, even if they, if she cut herself out of like a crocodile's belly or... Mm. Yes, an anaconda. Oh, yeah. Something that swallows your whole like that. Sure.

But then she has no memories, but she just knows that she has a knife in her hand. And that she's wearing some kind of a ribbon. A little thing under her skin, little chip, little chip under her skin. Hmm. Skin chip. He did have something under his skin for me.

Yeah, and did they find it? Did he get it out himself? I thought maybe somebody else did. Yeah, right. There might have been those people in that ship maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I gotta rewatch that film. The balls on people cutting into your arm.

On a ship. On a ship. Just some self-taught doctor out there in the ocean. That's something in his arm. That's something. I'm gonna get that out. Yeah. Find his feet. Could be something good. Hey, something in these arms. That's something. I'm gonna get that out. Find us for you. Could be something good. Oh, could be something very little

pay for the rest of our trip on this boat, this fishing boat that I've gone on as a holiday. Where I have to pay. Oh, it's a pay. It feels like we've done it. Sh've got to read us through the schedule. Oh yeah, fuck. I'm sorry, but I feel really embarrassed. Those sounds out of context make me seem like an insane.

Like a lunatic. All right, we'll be got killing doctors so that they can evolve and get more powerful like bacteria does. Well, not necessarily killing, but just stop protecting them. Stop monitoring them. Yeah. Not gloves. Stop protecting them. Yeah. No gloves.

No gloves. You need them to breed so that they can evolve. No, those masks expose them to some of that disease that they're supposed to be fighting. For somebody who's supposed to be fighting disease, they seem to be cowards as far as I'm concerned, hiding from disease. They're snipers. They're the snipers of the human versus bug war. And we've got stop bacteria evolving

by using education to make them doctors, so that they're too busy to breed, and then also die in road accidents from being exhausted. Then we've got the great thing about casting bacteria in a sketch is that you don't have to pay for actors. Too small to see. So you just film a bench top or whatever and they just get a voice over. And you win. You win. You win. That's all profit. That's everything there is profit. Do you think you can get footage of like just bacteria moving around and you could make that into a TV

show? Like if you just give me some advice. I think I thought of this one. Yeah. I thought, yeah, like it's a little cartoon series, it would just be a little, yeah. The real footage of bacteria? I didn't think of that. I thought it would be animated. What about just two plants, houseplants sitting there? Yeah.

I think maybe I can't, but we can with this ages ago be like a reality TV show about these two houseplants. But just, you know, you kind of give it a bit more story through narration. Was it going to be shit plants, say? No. No. Because that's the thought I've had.

Back when that was a hot topic. Shit plants. I'm going to start doing those now. I've actually genuinely thought about that. But I've always thought of things. I guess they do say stuff you never hear people say. Yeah, those ones feel. But then instead of taking it to the relevant things, people always go, I think cab drivers don't say, I'm going to go wash my armpits Yeah, but it should be things get get get drive is never say MEEP SAPON

DAH-HA LAPON NIS Volcanoes feel good on my butt. Mouse I see like that Ha ha ha ha It's nothing

Um I don't know, I'm just drooling my leg. All right, then we got the new 2D culture of people. This is when we go into the earth and to get away from the scorching surface. Let's stay away from the scorching deep earth. And we just create a little layer that we all travel through. And we become a little...

That's the new Goldilocks zone. That turns out there's just one little strip there where we can survive. Very happily. But Goldilocks zone is also a place where you're at risk of being killed by bears. Yeah. And then we got the Fart Wall pipe, public Fart works. That's where you just go and say, it's a little place where you fart now.

And you have the little Audrey Hepburn, Bama Smokesy. Bama Smoky. Then we got Gunk in the back of your eyeball change. It's the introduction of that idea. And then the introduction of that. The silence, isn't it? And then we got Finder's fee-based medical establishments. And I know it's a link to the other one.

But I think that that can be its own idea. I love a link. Yeah, it's not even bulk build. It's just, there's no bill. Yeah. Just whatever I can find on your body, it's worth something. And we'll use that to pay for you thing.

It's financially neutral. Mm. And then we got the CIA modulation communication spy, so scenario. It's like a femme Nikita thing, but instead of living her regular life and then eventually being called up to murder, she's always a spy undercover, and then occasionally gets called up through heat to see how she's going. Correct. Maybe called up to not murder anymore.

Stop murdering. Well, I mean, that's the opposite, isn't it? So there's people like Fem Nikita, who is a trained killer. Yes. Who occasionally gets activated. Yeah, occasionally gets activated to do one kill, but you could have this untrained killer.

Yes, it's constantly killing. All they know is to kill, but occasionally you call them up. You send them a photograph of somebody's face and say, not this one. Yeah. You're running that down? Yeah. Oh my god, Alistair.

Reverse from Nikita. It'll be man, something. Reverse from Nikita. It'll be man, something. Yep, te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te- te Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, I'll mention that to George. But look, we love you for listening to the podcast. We love you for listening to the podcast, and sometimes for not listening to the podcast. Yeah, yeah. And if you want to follow me on Twitter, I'm at Stupid Old Andy. If you want to follow me, I'm at Alistair TV.

I was on, I already mentioned, I was on the Joshua Old podcast, that you know who I am. I do another podcast called Shusher Guided Meditations. Yes, you do. It's very relaxing. Some people masturbate to it, apparently. I do another podcast called Shusher Guided Meditations. Yes, you do. It's very relaxing. Some people masturbate to it apparently. One woman.

One woman. The fact that you know, someone masturbates to something on the internet. You know, I think at least one person masturbates to everything on the internet. I'm sorry, it's just nobody ever tells people. And no one ever told me more. No, it's very exciting.

It's a very exciting story of men. Hey, I'm not that young anymore. No, no, no. But it's not even that exciting to me. No? Oh, it is exciting. Yeah. But it's exciting in a way that I can't quantify.

Totally, totally. It's something new, and that's good. But I'm not saying that that's what people will get out of listening to Shushur. No, that's the wrong expectation to go in with. But see if you can. Yeah. You know why not? I think those downloads count double. Hey, if you send me a tweet that says,

bloop, bloop, that just means you tried it and it worked. We'll know. We'll know. And that way no one else has to know. But look, I would like to know if somebody just sends a single bloop. That means that you tried it and it didn't work. Okay. And then we're getting the complete data set.

And this is bloop modulation. Yeah. This is bloop modulation communication. And we love you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. I mean, if you won't, it's up to you. Are you working way too hard for way too little?

There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career and a rewarding field with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students,

including the GI Bill. Now is the time, mycomputercareer.edu.