Two In The Think Tank - 21 - "Injustice League"

Episode Date: September 6, 2013

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You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Mmm, I had snowballs and came down.

Falling down, inking, in walls and down. Falling down. Oh, Alistair. This is such an experience. What? I don't know if I've ever done this wearing the headphones before. Yeah. But it's such a sonic wonderland that I'm in because I have your beatboxing coming straight into my ears. Yeah.

Through this one working speaker on these headphones and then your actual voice as well. And I'm like, I don't know how he's doing it. There was a moment where I thought that. I thought, how is he creating such a... A soundscape? A soundscape. Well, actually, it was your sound.

I wasn't making any voice sounds. Oh, yeah, well, still the sound from your voice. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, would you not count that as being your voice? My... Yeah, that's not your voice? Well, I'm not using my vocal cords. Yeah, but I can still tell it's you. Yeah, that's true. Like there's something about it that's very distinctive. I think there's something about your Canadian Australian accent that really comes through in those pops and very distinctive. I think there's something about your Canadian-Australian accent that really comes through in those pops and clicks. Do you think it's my Canadian-Australian accent clicking?

Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. I can understand that. I'm glad you understand. Andy, I'm nothing but not... I'm nothing. I'm sorry if I made it sound like there was something more that I wanted to say there. You did. Make it seem like there was going to be more.

There was going to be. That's always a weird thing. You've done that as well sometimes. I think that's a thing that we've both done when we've been improv-ing. Yeah. We go, that's our choices to improv, and then we just leave off the end of sentences. And then that's improv, because... Because that's life.

Because otherwise it's just talking. And no one wants that, right? Yeah, nobody wants people who are expressing full ideas. Absolutely. That would just, yeah. This is the way we do improv, okay? We leave part of the improv to your imagination. Given that you're not here to give us suggestions,

we leave it to you to give us completions. We'll cut it off mid-thought. Yeah. But I'm also kind of cuing you. Like, I'm cuing you to have the thought, I'm feeling annoyed. Yes. Yeah. It's a really rich emotional texture picture that we're building.

It's all in there. Frustration. Yeah. Annoyance. Irritation. Never wanting to listen again. There you go Name it

What a tapestry that we weave With our some words But not all of them Well it's very much like an artist Painting a picture They can create an emotion A talented artist can create an emotion In the viewer

It's the things that he doesn't paint that annoy me. Maybe that's, yeah, because there are people who do that, you know, will have just a big sort of blank canvas or something and that'll be art, you know. We're very much like the sonic version of that. Yeah. Just the acoustic. The improv troupe of that. Yeah.

Yeah. The blank canvas improv troupe. You're welcome to join us here at the blank canvas improv troupe. I want you all to think of a profession. Okay, now don't tell us. You're going to need to just fill in the blanks based around that. Oh, hello. It's good to be here today at... Good to meet you, mister... There's nothing that I would rather do right now than to you and open a... Because I find that really... Yeah, it's like blankety blank. Blankety blank. We just invented blankety blank, everybody. Youankety-blank. We just invented blankety-blank, everybody. You get the show that you want. Unless, of course, you wanted something that wasn't blankety-blank, in which case...

I don't know what blankety-blank is, but it sounds like a blanket. It could have been. That was the thing about blankety-blank. The blankety-blank show was they would get people on a panel, okay, and then the host would read out a sentence which had certain blanks in it. Okay. Okay. A husband got home and was surprised to find his wife stuffing the blank, okay, and then people on the... Yeah.

Is that the kind of stuff people would say? Postman. They would always make it dirty like that? Yeah, exactly. Oh, she was stuffing the postman full of breadcrumbs and lemons. Yeah. And then she roasted him and then they fucking ate him. She was surprised to find his wife stuffing a turkey up a postman's ass.

And then they fucking ate it. I don't know why. I don't know if there was any point where they said the words ass or fucking. Because I think that would have sort of made the conceit of blankety blank a little bit too obvious. And given that it is the show all about omission

rather than addition. Addition. What about this? An omissions trading rather than addition. What about this? An omissions trading scheme. Yeah. Listen, okay.

We're taking the absence of things and we're trading it between each other for money. Essentially, I've just explained the GFC. That you have toxic debt. Yeah.

But like little bits of paper that are actually nothing but they're just passing it from one investment banker group to another

and then giving I think you might have described the entirety of capitalism just the function of money. Hey, man. It's an omissions trading scheme. Come on, guys.

I've done it. I did it. All right. Yay for Marx. Karl Marx? Was it Karl Marx you were referring to? Oh, no. One of the Grouchos.

Groucho Marx, yeah. One of the Grouchos. One of the Grouchos. All the Groucho brothers. Who is your favorite Grouchos? Groucho Marx, yeah. One of the Grouchos. One of the Grouchos. Oh, the Groucho Brothers. Who was your favorite Groucho? The yellow Groucho? The blue Groucho? The red Groucho?

Papa Groucho? Or the purple Groucho? What was the lady Smurf called? Smurfette? Smurfette. Grouchette. Papa Groucho? Guys trying to pitch a children's...

TV show. TV show called The Grouchos. They're all little grouchos, and there's one sexy lady groucho. I think this is going to have to be our first sketch. It's actually a kids' show, and they're all grouchos, so they all do little one-liners and stuff. Because when you watch the Marx Brothers, you go, oh my god, this isn't paced very well.

I don't know. That's what I was feeling. It's very much comedy in its infancy. Yeah, and also I remember kind of thinking, I never realised how awful his moustache was in those things. Because it actually is just like... It's just drawn on. Yeah, it's just boot polish

or whatever that he smeared under his nose. Yeah. It looks like someone's Dirty Sanchez then. That's awful.

I don't actually know what Dirty Sanchez is but Yeah, I think it's I think it's time for one of those famous omissions for which

the podcast is rapidly becoming known. Dirty Sanchez is a boo Oh, that wasn't what we spoke of but No, it wasn't. Kids show. rapidly becoming known. A Dirty Sanchez is a... Boo! Oh, that wasn't what we spoke of.

No, it wasn't. Kids show. Yeah. Kids show. Grouchos. Groucho, Groucho, and Groucho. No, okay. And the Grouchos,

they are... I feel like they should be sort of little animals, almost, but they just all have big moustaches and glasses. I think they all look exactly like a cartoon of Groucho Marx. Okay. And then the one that's the Grouchette just has long hair. What about a boy band called the Grouchos? There's a boy band made up of all Groucho Marxes,

and ladies love them. They just go crazy for him, and they talk about which is their all Groucho Marxes. And ladies love them. They just go crazy for him. And they talk about which is their favorite Groucho. And, okay, what about this? Everything that's ever been created, ever, but with Grouchos. Yeah. Okay. So we're talking like, okay.

The Last Supper. Yeah. Grouchos. La Mona Groucho. Lapper. Yeah. Grouchos. La Mona Groucho. Alexander Graham Groucho. I think he would be referred to as Alexander Groucho Groucho, or possibly just Groucho Groucho Groucho. Groucho Groucho Groucho. Of course, Groucho Groucho Groucho, the inventor of the telephone.

Telephone. And he made the first Groucho, which is what we call phone calls. Oscar the Groucho, which is what we call fine call. Oscar the Groucho. He comes out and he's smoking a cigar. He looks pretty much exactly the same, but he's got like a big black moustache and thick eyebrows and the nose. Outside of a garbage can. Inside of a dark.... It's inside of a dog. No, yeah.

Outside of a garbage can. A buck is a man's... Yeah, that's right. A groucho is a man's best friend, but inside of a groucho... It's too hard to see groucho. Yeah. Are we changing the idea

to everything there has ever been? I think a boy band, whether all grouchos, is something. Yeah, or an alternative universe. Yeah. I mean, it's just something you cut back to all the time. Because that was an idea I had for a sketch show when I was at uni and I didn't know anything about whatever I know now. Whatever I know now, I didn't know that.

I didn't have all this great knowledge I have now. There's valuable skills and knowledge that are carrying me through these conversations. Yeah, it was my idea was, it was a sketch show called In a Universe Where. Oh. And then each sketch would begin and you would say in a universe where uh cops don't have to obey the laws of gravity like that yeah cool

yeah and so this one is a um in a universe where everything groucho um not i don't think it's everything, but just everything in culture. Yeah, everything in culture. There's just some quirk whereby people, when they invented culture, it was all done as Groucho from the very beginning, and no one ever realized that you could do it without Groucho. Yeah, because Groucho was the first one to invent culture. Sure.

Groucho came up with culture. Yeah. And then everybody thought, okay, all that we know is that in order to make culture, you need Groucho. Yeah, that's the ingredient. Yeah. But I love...

Yeah, and people say, what is our art? Well, it's Groucho I'm doing a still Groucho somebody's doing a painting of a person doing a portrait of a person the person's sitting there, the person is painting the portrait and then another person comes over and looks at it

looks at the portrait and it looks exactly like the person who's been painted yeah the city the sitter person sitting for the portrait and the person looking at the painting says it's good but it doesn't look very much like groucho needs more groucho spend more time on the mustache yeah or like uh, or like people going through an art gallery, and you just see them from the point of view of the painting or whatever, and they're just looking at it, scratching their thing, their chin.

And the guy says to his wife, he's like, I like it because it's Groucho. Yeah. I don't know a lot about art, but I know what is Groucho. And this is Groucho. I know what is Groucho. And this is Groucho. Yeah. Therefore, Groucho. Intriguing.

But then also the kids would learn all their lessons from Groucho. And they would read books about the Groucho who was up in the tower and had really long hair yeah Rapunzel Groucho like yeah the Groucho of Seville yeah and the princess who kisses Groucho and then he turns into Groucho? Princess is also Groucho. It's also Groucho. If you watch Sesame Street, there's a Groucho who loves to eat Grouchos. G is for Groucho.

That's good enough for me You can see that he just smashes up the Grouchos And they just fall down He doesn't actually eat them No, because his mouth doesn't have a hole He's just got felt there And it's a Groucho-patterned felt And you zoom in as close as possible on anything

And you'll get down It's Grouchos all the way down. It's like a fractal. Yeah, it's grouchos. At any level of detail, it's all grouchos. Atoms are grouchos. And then they're made up of little grouchos that would spin around like a core of grouchos.

We've managed to split the groucho. Turns out it's made up of more grouchos. At the bottom, we think that there's It might be strings That are made up of one long groucho That's interconnected throughout the universe Through dimensions Through the dimensions

Six dimensions of groucho Like Einstein of the time like like Einstein of the time who's a real person because he's not a pop culture yeah

Einstein already looked a fair bit like Groucho but that's why they didn't change him okay then he he discovered about the quantization

of Groucho that actually Groucho is both a particle and a wave he is both here particle and a wave. He is both here and not here at the same time. That is why he's able to say, hello, I must be going.

It's a famous Marx Brothers song. Yeah, no, that's really good. And so sometimes he acts like a particle in that he will bounce, you know, like he will bounce off a wall or something like that. Right? And sometimes he acts like a wave and he says hello to you from afar. That is the wave-particle duality of Groucho. All right, I think we've explored that idea. At least within the boundaries of current science.

Let's not speculate about what all the dark matter in the universe may be made up of. It's Groucho. It's Groucho, guys. Don't tell anybody, but we're pretty sure it's Groucho. Here's a hint. It's one of the Marx Brothers. And it's not Chico or Harpo. It's one of the Marx Brothers. And it's not Chico Harpo. It's Groucho.

Alright. I'd love to apologise for that first sketch. Such as it is. Andy, don't apologise. We just created a great world. We're going to whisper the rest of the podcast. Okay. Listen in, guys. The rest of the podcast is a secret.

Hi, everybody. Hey, thanks for coming down. Could that be a thing where it's like we're hosting a sketch show? This is the area between sketches. I know normally we focus on the sketches. But what about the linking device of the sketch show? So we're hiding somewhere.

But we gotta make this show. And there's people who need to hurt us somewhere out there. And so we have to whisper the show. Hey guys, we got a great show for you this week. Shh, shh, shh.

Okay. Pretty soon we're going to have one of my favorite acts on the show. Okay. It's Michael Buble. Buble. And hopefully we're going to get him to whisper a few songs for you. Some of the classics. Okay, fly me to the moon.

I did it my way. Yeah, we got a big band. We got a big band miming on their instruments. You should see the mute on this trumpet. It is one of the biggest mutes. It's a big mute. Do you think that maybe the people listening to the podcast actually can't hear us right now? There's a possibility that that's happening.

It's probably really frustrating. I said that's a big mute, but imagine a guy who's really big and can't speak. Wow. Like, who do you think is the biggest mute in the world? I mean, do you think, is that Zagina's mute? That guy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Silent Bob? Yes.

That's right. How did you know? Even though I was talking about a completely different film, how did you guess who I was talking about? Yeah, it's... I just know pop culture, and everybody is Silent Bob. Good show.

We're going backwards. Quick, push on. Yeah. I like the idea of Quick, push on. Yeah. I like the idea of people trying to keep a secret, you know, but like a really big group of people trying to keep a secret. Okay, so like say 50% of the population trying to keep a secret from the other 50% of the population. What if, okay, we decided to have like a secret like

Mother's Day or something so like what no or like I don't like what yeah but we had to keep it secret from all the mothers okay and we do something for them all at once and we invited them all together at one place and then we all jumped out everyone in Australia everyoneia everyone in australia what would be a good venue oh australia okay that would be good but you need somewhere with good public transport so maybe australia is not the best okay all right europe now asia's got great public transport. Fantastic. Yeah. Now, how can we get all our mothers to Asia at the same time without arousing their suspicions? Maybe we could say that we're all getting married there. Because your mother would never miss your wedding.

There you go. It's perfect. Okay. Okay. So we're all going to Asia. To get married. To get married. To get married. Maybe we're all going to get in a big polyamorous marriage all at once.

Don't tell your mom that. Don't tell your mom that. She might not like that. Mom's love tradition. But otherwise, how are we supposed to explain that everyone's going to Asia at once? Well, she doesn't necessarily need to know because there's not one plane big enough for all of them. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to have to pause it.

One second. Sorry. All right. Oh, and we're back. And we're back, yeah. Yeah, so get all your mums to Asia. Oh, yeah. Okay, that's right.

I wonder if mums is just maybe just like all the women. What if all the men just tried to do something nice for all the women? It's a bit sexist, though, isn't it? A bit sexist. You know, why aren't the men doing anything nice for the men? That's true. Why don't the men ever do anything nice for the men, hey? That's typical of men.

Typical of men. So sexist. You treat us so bad, men. Speaking as a man, I think my treatment by men has been appalling. Wait, what venue, are we going to, what about Tiananmen Square? Do you think it could fit all of Australia on Tiananmen Square? Yes. Okay, so that might be the best place. But do you think there would be someone who let slip? I think there'd have to be like one person who let slip and all

the mothers knew, but they just didn't want to hurt our feelings because we'd worked so hard. To get everyone in Australia. Yeah, to get everyone at the same time. Yeah, I like that. And then you go, we actually knew. We saw it on the news. Another mother told us. Right, who let slip? Who did it? And then just like one person puts up their hand and everyone's like, oh. We went to a lot of effort for this. And the mother's like, it's fine, it's fine. It was still really nice. We had a great time. Thank you. Still having a good time.

Now we should probably go now because, well, there's going to be a bit of a rush for the buses. Oh, wait. Look, I'm having a plum wine. It's great. You know. Look, I don't know what this is. I don't know what this is, but it's delicious. What is this?

What is it? Red bean. Oh, good. It's a bit weird. Beans for dessert. It's strange. But look, hey, we're having a nice time. Here in China.

China. And, you know, you invited everyone, so that's nice. It's nice to do something as a country. We never do anything as a country. When was the last time we all got together? Just everyone. And I haven't seen a lot of people here for ages. I'm just trying to think of the last time we were all in the same place.

Probably the primordial soup. Yeah, or that time when we were all in Australia. When was that? Anyway. Anyway. Can we go now? Should we go? I'm a bit tired.

I'm a bit jet lagged. I just want to have a sleep. That's great. Alright. Yeah? Doing something nice for your mothers. Getting everyone together. Prize party.

Getting everybody together. The catering. The mums. Who did the catering? Eh? Who did the catering? The Chinese. Very good.

We had it organised. It was actually pretty cheap. I'm not a big fan of Asian food. Why couldn't you have done this in a dream world? Remember when we all went around to your sister's place? That was great. I really liked that. Just through all this passive-aggressive stuff.

What would have been so much better? Mum. Yeah, all the mums together were slightly disappointed. Yeah. Oh, you shouldn't have. No, really, you shouldn't have. I mean, this is... How much did all this cost?

It's just hot, you know? I'm just hot. You know what? Going through menopause. I wonder whether if you had enough disappointment in one place, whether... It would warp space and time. Sort of like that.

Let's say if you get enough wind, and if you get a huge amount of wind, then it can shift over into a higher kind of thing, which is like... You're talking about emergent phenomena. Yeah, it's an over into a higher kind of thing, which is like... You're talking about emergent phenomena. Yeah, it's an emergent phenomena, like a twister. Yeah, okay, so this is something that can only occur with a certain density or mass of... Yeah, if you get enough disappointment in one place...

What will happen? Could there be like a sigh that kind of like... That actually has a shockwave that goes across like the country and it goes like sort of omnidirectionally? Yeah. Tsunami. Sainami. Sainami?

Mmm. A, um. No, well it's the opposite of a mirthquake. A mirth. I don't know what mirth means. Mirth is just joy. Oh. It doesn't sound like joy.

Mirth. Sound. Yeah, mirth. Oh. It doesn't sound like joy. Mirth. Mirth. Sound. Yeah, mirth. Oh, I had a mirthy old time. How great is this? There's a place in England called the Firth of Forth. Really?

The Firth of Forth. The Firth of Forth. Or the Forth of Firth. It might be the Forth of Firth. Is it like a fort? No, I think it's just like a It's like a Like an inlet or something

Like a bit of a river or something It's called the Firth of Firth Or the 4th of Firth The Firth of Firth How much fun is that? That is fun How can you be sad? Do you think

How can anyone ever be sad When there's a place in the world Called the Firth of Forth? Probably, you know, poverty. Don't give me reasons, Alistair. Poverty and... You're always there with your reasons. Gambling and things like that.

Like, if there's gambling in a family, it usually leads to violence as well. Okay. So maybe that... But the Firth of Forth. Yeah, that's true. They probably just haven't heard about it. That's true. Yeah, well, why would they be gambling?

Yeah, that's true. They probably just haven't heard about it. That's true. Yeah. Well, why would they be gambling? They're looking for a rush of joy that you could get if you were just living in the Firth of Forth or the Forth of Firth. Cullen Firth or Cullen Forth. Yeah.

Gambling, right? Yeah There's gambling, but then there's also gambling Do you know the other type of gambling? No, a gamble? What's that? G-A-M-B-O-L-L-I-N-G, okay? It's something that like lambs do If you see a lamb jumping around, it's gambling Oh, that's fun

Yeah If you're addicted to that Yeah, that's fantastic If you're addicted to that Yeah, that's fantastic He's addicted to gambling But you do have to gamble responsibly Because you could hurt someone close to you It's sort of like a type of moshing But with no one near you

Yeah I mean, if you ever saw moshers If you can isolate a mosher. Yes, just one mosher. Yeah, if you just isolate a mosher. If you take him out of the pit. Yeah. Okay.

And if scientists could isolate a mosher, take him out. I think moshing is probably an emergent phenomena. Yeah. Like, if you just have a few people doing it, it's just gambling. Yeah. have a few people doing it it's uh just gambling yeah but then it reaches a certain critical mass and it becomes moshing and then they kind of start banging up against each other and they create like a kind of like a like a blobby like a super organism like a super lamb yeah kind of like like it's an emergent lamb if you you put enough humans together, you can sort of get a gambling lamb. You could get one gambling lamb.

Yeah. Oh, now these are just sounds that I'm just enjoying. Yeah, gambling lamb. Gambling lamb. I know, but now picture a gambling lamb. Oh, and he's actually sitting there at a poker machine. And he's putting chips at the roulette. It's really tragic.

Well, I mean, so young. So young. I mean, and, you know, and he's a lamb. He's probably going to lose all his money and someone's going to eat him. There you go. Be on the menu down at Crown Casino. One of the bistros. Beast.

Bistro. Bistro. Just sounds. Just exploring a wonderful soundscape. I mean, that would be nice. Like, if you were just doing, like, a mixed grill restaurant. Calling it the beast row? The beast row.

Yeah. Yeah. That would be nice. Calling it the Beast Row? The Beast Row. Yeah. Yeah. That would be nice. Wouldn't that be nice? I mean, like, it doesn't even have to be row like R-O-W or R-O-E. Because, I mean, Beast Row like that would be weird because that would just be like eggs. Like it's just, we've taken these beast eggs.

It's all just, it's all just over. Just ovums. Oh yeah, ovums. It's all over. It's all over, guys. It's all over. Oh, forget it. Let's go home.

Yeah, so you would extract mammalian eggs. How beast row. I mean... Yeah? I mean... Yeah? I mean, do you think... Stem cells. I mean, that's like taking sushi. It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats.

Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those. Moose? No. But moose head? Yes. We'll see the next level. We're going to fuck fish. You know, you know how I accidentally quoted something from the movie Adaptation when I said fuck fish and then I got distracted by that. Okay, look, I don't think I'm going anywhere with this.

I think we need to move on from Bistro. Yeah? Yeah. I mean, but like a, it's just seaweed. I mean, it wouldn't be seaweed. You would just take regular weed. Yeah. Like a weed.

Like maybe like the leaves of a dandelion. Uh-huh. And then you'd wrap it up and then you just sort of pour some sort of animal, like, I don't want to say period blood, but like. Say stem cells. Say stem cells. Say stem cells. No, but they're eggs. Well, stem cells are sort of like eggs.

Okay, you take them out of the ovaries so that it's before they've been dipped in blood. And then you put them in the dandelion leaf, and you just serve it up like that. Yeah. I don't want to tell chefs how to do their job. Thank God. Thank Christ you don't tell chefs how to do their job, Allison. But, guys...

If you are listening... If you are listening, you've just heard the future of food. Some food. Not all food is going to be that in the future. But yeah. I mean, there is a thing that they do with chicken eggs, where they get eggs from chickens that have been killed before the eggs have completely formed, like before they're laid, pre-laid, before they're laid eggs.-laid. Yeah. Before they're laid, eggs.

I mean, this is basically what we're talking about. I've seen that in, like, the Philippines or something like that, where they'll actually, like, eat the fetus. Oh, that's... And they love it. They love it. Is that too much, though? Yeah. Have we gone to a dark place?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're the one who brought up the actual fetus eating. I didn't, actually. I was talking about eggs, like, not fertilized eggs. I'm talking about, like, just the egg. Like, we would eat an egg, right? Yeah. But before it's laid, before the chicken lays the egg, before, like, the shell has formed, you kill the chicken.

Oh. You kill the chicken that lays the regular eggs to get the eggs before they come out of the chicken. Oh, like, socks. You're so hungry for eggs, you can't wait for them to come out of the chicken. Is that an actual thing? Yeah, I think so. Oh, soft shell eggs. Soft shell eggs. Yeah. Yeah. Is there actually a type of soft shell

crab? Yes, there is. I've eaten them. No, but I mean, like, are their shells already soft? I believe so. Or do they soften them with something? Oh, that's a good question. I don't know. That is a good question to which I do not know the answer. I think they might already have soft shells. Imagine that. Imagine having a shitty exoskeleton like that. Maybe it'd be great. Oh, it probably would be great. You know Iron Man? Yeah.

Do you think when Iron Man gets too big for his suit, he has to sort of peel it off him, and then he's all pink and, like, soft until he can get another bigger Iron Man shell? Like he's kind of raw because his skin isn't exposed to sunlight that much. Yeah. Yeah. And he has to scuttle around and be really careful not to get hurt.

Yeah, that would be great, actually. I mean, yeah, sort of like Zoidberg. Yeah. Or like a crab. Or like a crab, yeah. So the closest thing you can imagine to that is Zoidberg. Yeah. We're talking about crabs.

We're already talking about crabs. That's true. Well, Zoidberg was kind of, he was definitely crustacean, crustaceous, period. But what I was thinking of while you were saying that is because there's Iron Man, but then there's soft-shell Iron, who's in a suit made of tin. It's a much more malleable metal. Of course, can you get tin poisoning? Is that a thing? It's worth a crack.

How about that? It's Lead Man. Yeah, okay. He can't get off the ground. He's suffering from lead poisoning. It's quite a soft metal. So if somebody hits him, it deforms and kind of like hurts him really badly. Yeah, so actually lead man would sort of be at a real disadvantage. It's sort of the opposite of a superhero. Yeah. You know? Like, what's the opposite of super when you're talking in science terms?

Micro? Infra? No. Like supersonic sub-man. Sub-man. Sub-human. He's sub-human. Yeah, he's a sub-hero.

He's a sub-hero. All right, I'm going to write this down. Yeah, sub-hero. League of sub-heroes. We've got lead man, can't get off the ground. Suffering from lead poisoning. Really easily injured. Moves slowly. Okay.

Who else have we got? Rat Man. Rat Man? Who's that? Batman. Batman. There's a play on Batman. Rat Man.

Can't fly. Yeah. Okay. Inside Out. Carries infectious disease. Inside out guy. Oh. And so all his nerves are exposed.

But is he really sort of a play on a traditional superhero? I'm trying to do plays on traditional superheroes here. Okay, well, like, think of any superhero. Okay, yep. They're all outside in men. No, they're all inside in men. Inside in men, yep. They're all outside-in men. No, they're all inside-in men. Inside-in men, yeah. He's the opposite of that.

Yeah, his outside is actually invincible. Okay. His skin can't be penetrated. The problem is that his skin is on the inside, and all his vital organs are exposed. Yeah. Okay. Mr. Fantastic.

Yeah, okay. Okay, he's a really flexible guy, really stretchy. Yeah. Okay. This is a guy who's just really stretched for time. It's that rush guy we came up with. Oh, yeah. Oh, I gotta go.

He's just in a hurry. Yeah. If you want something done, give it to a busy man. Excuse me. Coming through. We've got a funeral to get to. It's not a funeral.

I mean... What about Really Visible Man? He's always peacocking. Stands out in a crowd. You can't miss him. High-vis guy. The High Visible Man. Highly Visible Man. Highly Visible Man.

So, they would be called... Instead of the Avengers, maybe you would call them the Defenders? Just the Vengers. The League of Ordinary Gentlemen. The League of... What's Injustice? Extra Ordinary. You know, like the League of Justice, but it's the League of...

The Justice League. Yeah, the Justice League. It's the Injustice League because it's so horrible that they were born with these... All these things have happened. These horrific conditions. Yep. Okay. I actually got my lack of superpowers from getting contaminated by nuclear waste.

I was exposed to a high dose of radiation. That's actually why I am less than a man. Yeah, their origin stories are exactly the same. It's just like somehow they've survived these horrific accidents. Yeah. But they're just constant. When I was a child, I fell into a cave and there were all these bats there

and now I'm terrified of the dark and I can't leave my house. My parents were killed when I was a child and I became an orphan and I'm just really sad and I never recovered. And I'm poor. And I've made a suit

out of cardboard. Yep. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, okay, cool. So, we got sub-heroes there. Yeah. I like that idea. Yeah, great. It's fun. It's pretty fun. Isn't it fun?

Yeah. How good's fun? What if somebody comes up with something better than fun? What's better than fun? Yeah. That's, look, whatever it is, let's, this is the next sketch. It's a guy, a guy who's claiming that he's come up with something that's better than fun. He's selling it on TV.

Do you guys like fun? Yeah. Okay, well, you're going to love this. This is better than fun. selling it on TV. Do you guys like fun? Yeah. Okay, well you're going to love this. This is better than fun. This is... It can't even be described with words because it's a new emotion. Okay, but I call it double fun. Double fun, or... I guess in your language the closest we would come up with would be lots of fun. That's the closest the English language could come to describing this. You know that feeling when you're getting tickled and you want them to stop? Yeah.

You're like, ah, it becomes too much. That's what this is. It's so much fun that it hurts. Oh. Oh. Okay. This is going to be hard to sell. Okay.

But it gets so fun that it hurts, but then it hurts so much that it gets fun again. Yeah. You love the hurt. Oh, it's sadomasochism. I think what you're describing there is just masochism. Masochism. Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, you're right. And then the camera pans out and he's just wearing all leather. Beating himself. Just chaps. Chaps? Is that what they're called? Leather chaps? Yeah, leather chaps. I don't know what they do.? Leather chaps? Yeah, leather chaps.

I don't know what they do. You wear them for, um, chainsawing? You do? Is it like... I'm in the SES, and the guys, when they're using chainsaws, have to get their chaps on. Have they just made of leather? Uh, I don't know if these ones are leather. I think these might be sort of like... Sort of a woven Kevlar, maybe. Yeah.

Okay. And possibly the chainsaw won't go through it? Yeah, I'd say possibly. But the chainsaw won't go through that, will it? Probably. Yeah. It's a psychological barrier. Yeah, it's not like Mithril.

You know that thing that they have in Lord of the Rings. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like that little silken thing, or like, it looks like a tiny, like, but you just... Chain mail thing. Yeah, well, it's, actually, I think it might be based on the idea, I think in the wars, some people used to wear, like, silk. The wars. You know, like, the wars, you know, like, all of them that have happened.

Yeah, right. People would wear silk scarves or something like that because that's actually quite good at stopping things is that did i read that somewhere like what it does stopping bullets it the bullet doesn't go through the silk yeah but it doesn't stop the bullet from going into your body it just goes in there with the silk like silk you know the thing with you want to reduce the surface area you know or increase the surface area over which the collision takes place so the pressure is spread out or whatever yeah the force spread

out to create less pressure so it doesn't go into your body but silk because it just flexes or whatever like if you shot if you had a piece of silk there, you shoot it, the silk would just wrap around the bullet and go in. So that would help it make it easier to take the bullet out. Really easy to get the bullet out, yeah. So it's convenient in a certain way. Yeah, it's really convenient for people who want to get the bullet out. But aren't exit wounds a pretty bad thing? Yeah.

I'm not sure if having a big silk scarf running through your exit wound, you'd be able to floss your hole. You would be able to floss your hole. So I guess there's that. Okay. Maybe the problem with exit wounds is that you get a buildup of plaque around the exit wound, and it's important to floss. And in that situation, sure, having a big silk scarf running through it would help.

Because of the plaque. Because of the plaque. What about somebody who's trying to, like bondage gear is all sort of, it's all very sort of leather, rubber. I mean, they haven't really, like where's the Kevlar? Yeah, they haven't. Where's the Teflon? They haven't gone into, what are they called? Composite materials's the Kevlar? Where's the Teflon?

What are they called? Composite materials? Where's the technical approach? Where's the graphene? I mean, we're seeing a lot of graphene in science, but we're not seeing it being transferred to the sex industry yet. The rubber chest plate, I mean, why do you

wear that? It's so you can be beaten. Harder, is it? No, I think it's people like the sensation of having stuff up against rubber and things like that. Oh, okay. Hey, but how do you know you don't like being pressed, having your balls pressed up against some carbon fiber? You're going to be able to get the same amount of pressure

and it's going to be a lot lighter. So you're going to be able to move a lot quicker. Yeah, unless it's got resin on it and that resin's hardening. What about encasing your balls in... An epoxy. In an epoxy resin. A two-pack epoxy resin. You know that releases heat when it sets?

Because it's like... It gets really hot. Because it's two chemicals. Yeah, it's a chemical bond. That's called an exoreaction. Exothermic. Exothermic reaction. Yeah.

Yeah. I remember. I remember that from chemistry, year 12, year 11. Good work. Look, I'm going to... Should we write down the guy who's come up with something that's better than fun? Yeah, sure. And it turns out to be...

Turns out that it's bondage. It's bondage. He's come on like a morning breakfast show to plug this thing. He thinks he's come. Carrie Ann. Let me tell you. People love fun. Families across Australia.

Love fun. Yeah. And he also says, and if, and he says apparently, you know, it's better if you sniff a bit of amyl. Yeah.

Yeah, no, that's still bondage. Yeah. Makes it more intense. Yeah, it makes it more... I like it when you're also... How about this? Being really high on drugs. No. Sorry.

Oh, is that already a thing? Yeah, we call it being really high on drugs. Damn it. Even the name. It was called the exact same thing. What are the chances? Alright, what about this? How about this?

Oh, forget it. I was going to say coming into a mullet. I was going to say Coming into a melon I was going to say It's not like I'm Jerking off What about jerking off Like a Like a choke yourself

Uh Uh oh No Never mind Uh oh I thought I was getting A phone call Yeah And then Was it just Phantom phone It was just No it was actually A text message But uh Yeah Well, never went Uh oh I thought I was getting a phone call Yeah

And then Was it just phantom phone? It was just No, it was actually a text message But uh Yeah It's fine Do you think before

People had Text messages You know, back in the day When a man on horseback He would Had to come and bring you a message Do you think there was like a Phantom man on horseback?

And everyone would be like Is that Is that hooves? like, is that hooves? You don't see hooves? Actually, I've experienced that. Oh, okay. No, like I've experienced that. One time me and my friend were waiting, I was at my friend's house and we were waiting for a horse, a man on horseback.

It was for my dad to come pick me up in a car. And then we'd be like talking and stuff like that and we'd go do you hear a car? is that a car? yeah and you kind of live like not like far further away from people and we're like

huh and we'd like go look out the window and go that's where I hear something yeah no that's that's actually yeah we used to have that because we lived in the countryside

as well and like you like you would be able to hear a car and you'd be like that's a car that must be coming to my a car and you'd be like, that's a car. That must be coming to my house because no one else comes here. But then we started going up, like we would hear it and we'd go, this time definitely.

And then we'd run up onto the road and look and there would be no cars. We were just getting phantom... It was actually just, we went up there and there was a guy on horseback. No, but I think that's a fun idea. With some speakers playing the sound of cars. But I think that's a fun idea. Like before you got the Phantom Texan. I'm just expecting a messenger. I think we already might have done jokes about messengers and the do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do thing.

Being a little guy with a trumpet playing that. But the Phantom Man on horseback, that's a completely new concept. Okay, wait. What else happens with it? Okay, there's also the voice of God. You know? Is that the voice of God?

Can anyone else hear the voice? I'm sorry, I'm just imagining things. Sorry, I'm just expecting a response from God. Yeah. He hasn't got back to me. I just prayed last night and I haven't heard anything. I haven't heard anything yet. Any minute now, I'm just expecting a sign.

He's playing... Him to send me a message. He's playing it cool, you know? Like, I think he's waiting three days to get back to me. So not to seem too keen. Because that's God. Yeah, God. Always playing little games.

I feel like there's a funnier version still of that. Of the phantom phone thing. Twisting that idea. What's another way that you can get information? Oh, yeah. Fax machine. Phantom fax? Maybe.

What about you're getting a like a signal from one of your body parts. Yep. Your body's receiving that. But that body's part

has been amputated. Phantom limb. Yeah, we could call it phantom limb. Are we the guy who thinks he's invented... Phantom limbs? Something that's more fun than fun? Phantom limbs. Phantom limbs.

Think about it. You don't even have the limb, but you still feel it. That's fun, right? Isn't it fun? It'd be like sort of haunting you. So like you wouldn't be able to move on from the trauma. That's fun, right? Come on, guys.

How about this? You do have a limb, but you don't recognize it as your own. And you want to cut it off. Isn't that fun? Fun? Don't you guys know fun, do you? I'm a fun guy. This is the guy who doesn't get fun.

He doesn't understand it. Remember Jeff? Remember how he used to be really fun? He's gone weird. It's like he doesn't know what's fun anymore. I think I just lost my whole sense of fun. Like I can't... That's what it is.

He's like a blind... He's become blind or like fun blind. Like he can't... Like colour blind but he can't differentiate between two types of... Or snow blind where you can't see snow. Is that a thing? No. Snow blindness is the thing where, like,

you go out in the snow and it's so bright that you sort of get overblinded. But I was pretending it was a different thing, where you can't see snow. But you didn't know what the first thing was, so... What a beautiful spring day. Yeah. It's a bit chilly, though, but, you, but still, it's nice.

Everest is looking bare at the moment. Polar bear is looking bare. What's it doing in this area here? The ice caps have really receded, haven't they? A lot faster than we would have

thought. We sure are standing high above the water, but floating in the air. This complete absence of anything is moving at a glacial pace, isn't it? We're really nothinged

into this cabin on a mountain. There must have been a big fall of not very much last night because we're really nothinged in right now. Pass me that shovel and I'll see if I can't move some of the nothing. Oh, I really like that dessert. The cone

where you take syrup and you just pour it into a cardboard cone. Yeah. Snowblindness. Snowblindness. Okay, we need one more idea. We need one more idea.

We've got to wrap up this idea. Like a present. It's a present for our listeners. It's our gift. We're going to surprise you with it? To you. Tiananmen Square Oh shit Oh my god

Ruined it I gave it away Tiananmen Tiananmen Tiananmen Sounds like For some reason it reminds me of Tiramisu

Because I think maybe the Tia I don't think Tiramisu doesn't have a Tia But Yeah Tiramisu Square Mount Tiramisu doesn't have a Tia, but... Yeah? Tiramisu Square. Mount Tiramisu-vius.

He is a... This is... Wait, what's it called when you lead a country? A dictatorship? Mm-hmm. A dictatorship is led by a... Tiramisu-rant. Yeah, we need to really wrap this up.

I'm sorry, Alistair. It's okay. Look, we're both responsible for this. Yeah, I think we're all really tired. That's true. We're doing this at a time when people are tired. Yeah. Us.

It's night. Yeah. It's night. It's night. I don't think I'm giving away too much if I tell the listeners that the tired time at which we're doing this is the night time. You're giving it all away. Yeah. Giving it away for free. Okay. You had an idea?

Spies. Okay. Double agents. That kind of thing. Could they be eye spies Spies. Okay. Double agents, that kind of thing. Could they be eye spies? Okay. Okay, so it's wartime. Yeah.

There are spies. Okay, you've got spies working for one side, you've got spies working for the other side, and you've got some double agents who are working for both sides. And they're Siamese twins. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah? How can we do something like that? They're Siamese twins, but they're also working for both sides.

Okay. It turns out that all Siamese twins aren't traitors. And they're the only ones who think of it about being traitors. I know it's kind of like in the... That's the duality of man. It's the duality of man. Siamese the... That's the duality of man. It's the duality of man. Siamese twins, that's the duality of man. Yeah.

Over all that time that I've been trying to find a duality of man... Joke. Joke, a punchline, yeah. I've never thought about the conjoined You did it Andy Our conjoined brethren Our conjoined brethren Which actually if you were conjoined It would be to your brethren Or your sistren

Or sistren Okay so Siamese twins Double ages But I like the idea that There's some Siamese twins and one's really Impulsive and like animal and one's really cool and rational, and you look at them and you're like, ah, that's the duality of man. Anyway. So, all right, and it's like, it's like James Bond. Is it, is this a condition we shouldn't be making fun of? I mean, we're not making fun of it. Siam can join...

I mean, we're not technically making fun of them. We're just... Because none of them ever get to play James Bond. Okay. I think this is a really fun idea. Okay. There's... Siam is twins.

Right. It's the Cold War. One is working for the russians one is working for the west but they're both so good at their job okay and the other never knows okay yeah somehow they managed to keep it a secret even from each other maybe something to do with the Berlin Wall came down. One was on one side, one was on the other. When it went up. When the wall, when Berlin was divided.

And... Were they in the tunnels underneath? No. How would they do that? I don't know. I don't think they've stayed on the border. I think they continue to just try and... Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. I see what you're border. I think they continue to just try and... Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay, I see what you're saying.

Sorry. I thought there was actually, like, there would have to be, like, a hole in the wall that goes the length of the wall at the height of where they're joined. Yeah. And it's just that bit of skin that's going through those, like, the bricks. Okay, no, but I do like that.

That's a fun idea. Do you think it's fun enough to just write it down and then just wrap it up there? Yeah, I think we need to. We're so tired. I'm sorry, guys. But look, thanks for conjoining us here on the podcast. It's great to be conjoined by you, by the flap of skin, the metaphorical flap of skin that is the podcasting medium. Siam me and Andy couldn't be happier to have you. Yeah, and look, if the surgery is a success and we manage to successfully cut off this podcast here, then I still feel like we'll have a bond.

And I hope that you don't get most of the functional organs, because otherwise we're probably going to have to stay hooked up to a machine for a long time. I don't think there's anything else can be done about that. And deformed. Cool. Great. So we're going to wrap it up.

Here's the sketches from today. We got kids show, or also it could be a kids show, the Grouchos, or it could just be in a universe where everything Groucho. Yeah. All right.

We got number two, which is surprise party for all the moms. Yep. We got Great. Number two, which is Surprise Party for All the Moms. Yep. We've got three. We've got Subheroes, which is a lead man and the rest. I think it would be really fun. The Incredible Sulk. Yeah.

When he gets angry, he gets upset. He gets just uncontrollably mad. When he gets angry, he withdraws into himself. Yeah, that's good. He just gets really withdrawn. That's why he's the incredible sulk. Super introverted. Yeah.

But, okay, the one about organising the Mother's Day thing, to me it feels like another one of those ideas that would be nice to have running throughout the episode of a sketch show, where it's just sort of a background thing that's going on, so all the characters in all these different scenarios are sort of also working on or just mentioning have just got like bits of paper or doing logistics for this day which comes at the end where they all get together.

And it's not made to be such a big thing but everybody is just going to China. Yeah, yeah. Remember to lock your doors before we all go to China. That kind of thing. Anyway. Everyone will go there, even the poor. The Injustice League.

Yeah. And then we've got a guy who's come up with something that's better than fun and it's bondage. And then there's Siamese twins

who are both spies, one for the Russians, one for the West. There you go. I mean, that's going to be a full movie. Okay. Keep the beat. Time signature.

Time signature. We just... Time signed off. Time signature. We just... Time signed off. Time signed off. This is Andy and me. Time signing off. Thanks, guys. Sleep tight. See you next time.