Two In The Think Tank - 212 - "COMPROMISING WITH REALITY"

Episode Date: December 10, 2019

First Base, Lingua Francatastrophe, Body Room, The Philosophy Pooping In, Gut Bustingly Clever, Intergaffelactic, IKEA Sketch, CWRHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here10 heaps of thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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this podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. My body with my body, it's a hearty. I'm dealing with my body, such a hearty, hearty, body. You got a hot body. Hello, and welcome to Turn the Thing Tank. Yeah, the show, we come up with a couple of schedule ideas. Is that what we do? And then another couple of schedule ideas, and then a half a couple of schedule ideas.

Half a couple. Half a couple. That's what I, that's what I, for me, at the moment, at the moment, the fundamental unit of all mathematics is the number one. Is the couple? Well, now it's going to be the couple. Yeah. Also figure, what's one?

One's no good. One of anything is no good to you for anything. It's the loneliest number. It's the loneliest number. So let's get rid of it. Right. Now it's all we start with a couple. Mm-hmm. All right. It's it's base couple Number system. Yes, and and then if you want less than a couple you can talk about a half a couple

Even that's right. Yes, but that starts to feel pretty lonely though. Yeah So do we do we use a base one system? I think the reason why we don't system should just be one, then one zero, then one zero zero, then one zero zero zero. So why? What would a base is a base? I don't think a base one. There was a system. One zero. No, but I don't think, because the base two is one and zero.

So a base one, it wouldn't, there wouldn't be no zero. Well, some people would argue that the zero is on a number. They would. They would, they'd be right. Yeah. Because it's nothing. It's nothing. This is an interesting episode already.

Yeah. It's a mashup. It's become a mashup between the regular two in the think tank. And the podcast that we do, or that is done by two engineering characters as a bonus episode. Martin, Chris Aless and Jerry Roberts. Yes. But I don't know what a base one number system would look like. One, then one zero. No, you can't have the zero. Yes, zero is not a number. Well, then okay, well then, but isn't that just binary then? If you got ones and zeros, aren't you just in binary? We're counting to two. Yes. One, then one zero. That's two. That's two.

Or one, then ten. Right? So ten. Yep. Ten, that's two. Right? Yeah, okay. And then, and a hundred is three.

A hundred is three. A thousand is four so Every number has like It's own you it's you just you just count the number of zeros and add one yes, but it's simplified by knowing that This only yeah, no, you just it's however many numbers there are in the number. Hmm. That's what the number is Correct. Yeah. Yeah count the numbers. That's what the number is. Yeah, that's actually a brilliant number exist It's very one base one three. How many's that count them? Three one two three there you go. That's how much. Just look at it.

One zero, zero. In many ways, you think we probably created a base 10 system to get away from all this counting. Now we're bringing maths back to what it should really be about. Counting. Fundamentals. You know, in schools, like in schools,

they say you should get back to fundamentals. You know, maths and English and all that kind of stuff. I don't know if they say that in France, but that's what they say here. Now, maths itself should get back to fundamentals. I do like the idea that in France, they wanna get to the back to the basics of counting in English.

But anyway, it's a very useful language these days. I mean, they will be the first to admit they lost the international language back in what 1964 or something like that. Ah, the lingua franca. Yes. And so now English is the lingua franca. Is it lingua franca? Is it not even Latin?

Is it not even Latin? There's a Latin language that means the French language. It's a Latin language that means the French language. So Latin term, I mean it feels like you've already dropped the ball if your term for the French language is in Latin. Yes, but also when you say, but it's also supposed to mean the universal. Universal language. So you're saying it's the universal language by saying it's the French language. But you're saying that in Latin. In Latin. Now, that is a mess. I mean, that is a pile of crap left in the middle of a laundry. You've got the ability to clean it up, but you're not doing it.

You have all the tools. All the tools are just things. You have to sit. There, in your mouth, the tongue. Yes, the tongue. That's the sink in the laundry. I thought the mouth is the sink. The body's sink. I mean if you would have think of each part of the body as itself being a house or a room of each part of the body

As being a room or a house or house. Yes, okay Well, then the mouth is a house that looks a lot like a sink. Yes now obviously the butt is the garage that looks a lot like a sink. Yes, now obviously the butt is the garage. Obviously. That's where you park things that you eventually plan on getting rid of. Oh. Now.

When you get things out of the house, yeah, absolutely. You pile them up in the garage. Exactly. And eventually you take them. When you get it together to the house, yeah, absolutely. You pile them up in the garage. Exactly, and eventually you take them. When you get it together to go to the op shop, which is what we know, the toilet. Toilet. Which, of course, if a street was itself a house, the op shop would be the toilet.

Yes, and then from the toilet, all the things go back into circulation, don't they? That's right. What happens to the poo of Surage Farm? What are they doing with it? I? At a Surage Farm. Yes. They are somehow processing feces.

Yes. Into what? They get to do whatever they want with them. But nobody says that. They don't tell us where it comes. And that is their business. Well. And very much in two senses of the words.

Mmm, nice. Which is the maximum number of senses I am willing to allow. Nice, one in zero. Yes, but what happens to it? So they presumably they do something, they have some kind of wetland system and filtering system and they get the water and the water maybe eventually gets treated to the point where it's put into the ocean. But what happens to all the solid matter? I bet they are using it to fertilize food,

for free, or something like that, but they just, nobody tells you that. No, they don't tell you. They don't want you to know. Somebody's making a pretty penny. Yes. They don't want you to know how valuable your excrement is. But they also don't want you to know

that you're eating food, grow and in shit. Yeah. Those are the two things that you're allowed to know not allowed to know which to my mind is the maximum number of things well you know that there's blood and bone usually and in shit in my shit there is I've had blood in my stomach but I've had bones If you've got bones... I've got knee blood and you're still now, but I don't have something bone. I'll skip blood. Are you an owl? Because if you're not an owl, then this is a problem. Have you ever seen owls poo?

No. A lot of little bones in owls poo. Yeah, I've got... Okay, I thought you were suggesting. He had owl bones in his poo. And so bits of his bones were breaking off and turning into al bones, all he's eating a lot of al.

Yes. Vales. But, but, what were we talking about? Everything. We were talking about. We covered a lot of ground. A lot of ground. No, we were talking about base one.

Then we were talking about lingua franca. Yes. Then we were talking about parts of the body being a room. Indeed. And, oh, there was some... Well, here's my issue. Here's my issue, the bottom. Yes.

The human bottom. Very much not at the bottom. No. It's really the middle. Well, just below the middle. Yeah, that's if you consider the legs part of the body. I assume it was doctors who named the bottom originally. Maybe doctors don't consider legs to be part of the body. Well, this would be huge if true. There's a very

there's a very stringent caste system amongst the body. And obviously, things that are part of the torso, including from bot to lower neck. Those are sort of up there. They're sort of the middle class. They are, aren't they? Now, the head obviously gets first class. Borshwazee. Yes.

And so the legs are very much the untouchables. And we don't even consider them part of the body. They just carry us around. Yes, and so the legs are very much the untouchables, right? And we don't even consider them part of the body. They just carry us around. Okay, there were courses, there beasts of burden. It's a beasts of burden. I feel like we've talked about this already. Well, we have talked about the legs.

I don't know, I'm still talking in that accent. But maybe I'm better in that accent. It's addictive, it's addictive. Well, you know, the thing is, it's a big part of who I am. You know, I've been talking like that since I was in school, and I usually only talk in that voice when I'm trying to be funny. And so, I really want to do is be funny, so I don't know why I bother. It must be so easy for Australians to be funny.

Oh, you will have noticed that we're universally successful as comedians. Now, can I just go back to the butt for a second? Back to butt. Because I was speaking to my friend and your friend and the friend of the shows, all three of us have spent time with this friend. I'm intrigued to know who it is. I can't wait. It is nearly what? Nearly what? One of my favourite people. And I can't wait. It is nelly white. Nelly white one of my favorite people and I'd written a sentence and she'd asked an interesting question. You know what I think about nelly white. What? She's too funny to have on the podcast. She's much too funny. We get actually too many compliments when she's on When we don't get that many compliments when she's not on but she's not on the pool of

compliments has been so Tainted by the high volume of nelly compliments She's not on, but she's not on. The pool of pond compliments has been so tainted by the high volume of Nelly compliments. It makes you think that maybe people are listening for us at all. Oh, they're listening. It's the only way to possibly get some Nelly. That's right.

Anyway, I was talking to Nelly because we were writing some weird things right for this board game thing that she does. I love that you're alluding to this as sort of... Anyway, this thing. Anyway, and I wrote the sentence, have a toke if you reckon you could poop, you could easily poop a light bulb.

You've heard a drinking game, they're making a smoking game, so of the making a smoking game. So he's making a smoking game. I thought it writes up and weird. Nelly asked this question. She said, when you say that in that sentence, do you mean poop it out or poop it in? And I hadn't thought of the idea that you could poop something in is it because you normally think of pooping as a one-way

street sure but if you were to have say anal sex with someone are yes are you You're pooping that person's dick into your butt. Well, I don't consider vomiting to be eating something out. Well, I don't know, but if you open your throat and it's soup and you don't have to chew, you're pretty much avomiting in reverse. You're vomiting and it ends. Oh yeah, I guess we should have vomiting in, vomiting out. Yeah. Eating it out is a different, means a different thing. Eating out. Yes. Yes. But, but if you're eating out with your mouth,

well, I mean, if you're eating something out with your mouth, you can't, there's actually nothing going in and nothing coming out. You're right. Yeah, unless you're eating out at a restaurant, then you're putting things in. Well, the pebs are more kind of eating out. You know, it's the restaurant. If you're eating out Sayonanus or Avajana at the restaurant, it's that kind of dining experience you're involved in. Have a restaurant. Say it's got a couple of Michelin hats. Oh. You know, saying of course, yes, and that's an area, of course.

But anyway, it's worth thinking about this idea of pooping in. Yeah. I mean, you're absolutely right. As an idea, I like it a lot. Mm. I don't know if they're technically a word, because is the bottom eating something then? Because I don't think so.

As it goes back to eating. I mean, if it was, say, holding onto a thermometer, then it goes into fire and you lose it. You won. And it was one of those glass mercury simmometers. About 30 centimeters long, very thin. And it's all in there. And there is nothing to grab over.

Oh my God. I'm not gonna say, okay, don't move. Don't move. Don't even breathe, people. I'm gonna get a stretcher, and I'm gonna strap you to it standing up. And I'm gonna wheel you away on one of those bikes and on those fridge trolleys, like a Hannibal Lecter.

In that scenario, you might say that you're but swallowed the thermometer. Yes. So I don't know if it eats, but it's swallowed. It's definitely swallowed. But I think, you know, it's only fair that you could say that you're pooped in. That's the moment. It's only fair. It's only fair.

They can't get you for that. They can't get you for that, Alistair. Your hands are clean. I mean, maybe not. No, maybe not. I mean, they are before you try, you try the rescue expedition. Do you, I mean, it would be beautiful to have a, you know, when the, when the, when the boys got trapped in the cave in Thailand, Do you think we could get a similar international movement

around somebody with a full 30 inch, 30 centimeter thermometer? Full 30 centimeter. The motor lost up there, Bob. Yeah. That's what I'm putting, that's out there about 30 centimeters. Like the thermometers you would have used

in high school science. Yeah. You know, mercury thermometers. The one, the normal kind you would have put in butts. Well, not those little ones you would put in your armpit. Needs must, you know, circumstances dictate and necessity is the mother of, um, invention. Of use of thermometers, long thermometers. Long thermometers, and you weren't sure if you were getting a good reading.

That's true. That's why you kept pushing it in deeper. And that's why you're also, you'd probably tried the small thermometer. And then you just wanted to double check on your, on your sort of yeah. It's that word you're calibrating thermometer, you know. That's your, it's your accurate thermometer, the one that's got. Well, it's a man's thermometer. It's a man's thermometer that you're holding in with a man's size tissue. At first. Really? Man's size tissue should be very small. Mm. Tiny for the tiny, very rare small amounts of tiers that we shed.

Of course. Well, for you, small amount of problems that men have. Yes, exactly. A single tier, that men have yes exactly a single tier It's just it's just enough for a single tier Single tier tissues. It's a tiny box Right yep, you pull them out. Oh that yeah, just dab one tier single tea. Yeah get it out of there Yeah, and you you have it when you it's for when your dog dies. Yeah, or out of there. Yep and you have it when you're it's for when your dog dies or um let's see your team graduates from university. Yeah so when you're so happy because you've killed your first man.

Yeah it's the only alarm you're allowed to shed a single tear. But can you tear in? And would you consider that to be crying? I, I mean, you know, we think that it's tough to not cry at all. Yes. But surely a tougher thing would be to suck liquid in through the tea dust. Oh, tea dust. Yeah, or oil. Oil. Yes. All solids. Yeah. Yes. Put in just pushing and popcorn kernels. Salty ones. Yeah, yes, put it in just pushing in popcorn kernels salty ones Because you need to put salt back in as well. Yeah, I'm shopping them all behind the

I just little little sea salt rock Ragnoles. Yeah, just in the in the tear duct him a lot him a lion. Oh, yes, that pink stuff. I was really sharp ones Shards of it. Yeah, full salt lamps. That's our salt room. I was in Queensland. So the salt room you can just go sit in there. They charge you for it And what does that have they carved that out of a salt? It might have been a salt wine that was just in this kind of Industrial estate. Yeah, and they built the ground above ground just in this kind of industrial estate. Yeah.

And they built above ground. Yeah, above ground. And they might have, they might have just built the industrial state around it, sort of in the middle of suburbia. Okay. You went in there? No, I didn't, but I saw the photos in the wall.

Okay. And it was beautiful. I wanted to go in there. And obviously they would have been booked out. What is the point of that? Oh, you sit in it, you radiate within it, you know. Oh, really? I don't know, I think so. Yeah. Same thing with those salt lamps. There's supposed to be some healing powers to it. Yeah,

but the salt lamps surely the salt. I mean, I guess it's radiating to you as well. Through the light. Oh, no, you don't radiate into the salt. Yeah, I can. It's it radiates into you. Something about it. I did get to have a lick. I mean, it'd be rude for them not to let you. Come on. Yeah. Did you get to have a lick? I mean, it'd be rude for them not to let you. Come on. Yeah. I bring my horse. If you're paying anyway.

Yeah. And how long would it take for them to run out of salt? That would be too long. To eaters. Yeah. And how expensive could salt be anyway? I think I'm paying for. I mean, I don't know if having a horse in there with you would undermine in some

way the calming and having to argue with the person whether or not you're allowed to bring you to horse. I mean, it will be one of those things like, you know, technically a dog is allowed to play piano. No, you're allowed to play basketball, like in a bed. Technically, it doesn't say you can't bring a horse in. And I'm going to sue you if you try and stop me. Because that's a breach of contract.

It's a breach of contract and I need this horse. No, I can't explain right now, but I need it. What have you written down, Alice? I've written bass one. Yeah, right. I've written lingua franca mess. Oh, really? Okay.

I think there's a sketch in there. I mean, if we write about any of the details in that, then absolutely there's a sketch. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, look, obviously, but we're not gonna do any fact checking now. No.

And I've written down parts of the body, if the parts of the body are a room. Far out. I can't believe that those are the three things we've taken away from me. I mean, I was going to ask it. I wanted to get some of your input as to if there was any stuff along the way that you would like to revisit and go into depth. I mean, I guess the parts of the body are a room. I'm thinking of it more as a link to that other sketch idea that we had about that doctor who saw each part of the body as itself a body. Is it self-a-body, Sean? But I guess maybe he had a colleague? Yeah. I just did Oh, he's a rival. A rival.

Yeah. Like, you know, like Jungian and Freudian psychoanalysis for two schools. Yeah. And then eventually Lecun, the guy, the other guy who's the guy. He was the, that little crocodile on the shoes. Yeah, and so, but this is the other guy. That's Lecun, you're the one who's the one who's the one. Oh, right.

La Cost would be in this world, would be a guy who comes and sees each part of the body as itself a whole world. You know, and so each part of the body would kind of have its own ocean. One would be the land where people live. One would be sort of the wild forest where there's cultures of bacteria, and animals, and things like that. One part would be a tall building.

Mm-hmm. It would be the air. Sounds like a world to me. You want worlds built? Get your world-world building done. This is what a service I'd like to offer to any, you know, because in science fiction, world building, people are always impressed by world building.

Well, I'll do the world building bit for free. Right, I'll sell, like, I'll do some spec worlds, and then I can do custom worlds, and you just contact me, and I'll come up with some, some just some world stuff, like the whole planet is just one big crystal or something like that.

Little Nas, old town road or whatever that song? Sure. He just bought that backing track for like 15 bucks or 25 bucks online. What a great move. You see like that? So you could do that. You could open up a website that just does worlds. I'll build a world and you buy it for 25 bucks and you can set it.

And it's fleshed out. It's fleshed. But I guess there's different levels of detail as well. And maybe you can buy add-ons and stuff like different dragons and that kind of stuff. Well, the real money is in them telling you, I want there to be an excess of grandpas. You go, this is a grandpa heavy world.

You go, all right, well, I'm gonna have to flesh this out, find reasons for why there's so many grandpas. Yeah, but that's what they pay me for. And that's what they pay you for. And so then you can really bring in 200 bucks, 300 bucks. It's interesting, because it's hard to imagine like why there'd be so many grandpas, because in order for somebody to become a grandpas,

not just enough that they age, it's that they have children, and then- Who have children? Grand children, indeed, right? But I think, and so you would think that there would have to be all those other subsequent generations in order for them to be defined as grandpas. And as such, the number of grandpas itself would be in proportion to everything else. But that's where the work comes in.

Well, maybe what if there's less women in the world? Each generation lives on a different planet. Or there's less women in the world. And the women have decided that they, because there's so much choice of man, there's not like a man drought like there is now, right? So much choice of good man, good quality man, that they decide to have a child with,

you only have allowed to have one child with each partner. And so that way they have loads of kids, but loads of people to raise them with. You know, so you have your first with Charlie, and you have your second with Mark, Markness, no Marnus, then your fourth, third and fourth are with Lewis and Carl, and then your fifth is with Jesus, right?

Okay. And so then they have five kids, and those kids all have kids. Yeah, like that, right? And same way. But then also those grandpas who are now also half grandpas to each of the other kids. And so those halves also add up to a lot of grandpas. Can I propose something? Because I was pretty distracted while you were talking. Because I a lot of grandpa's. Can I propose something?

Because I was pretty distracted while you were talking. It was the thing you have something else. Everything you were saying sounded great and made sense to the extent that I was listening. I'd found some really tricky maths there at the end that made it really work out so that there was a lot of grandpa's. I'm so happy for you. And I can't believe you're going to be able to sell this on your website. And I'm going to get all the And I'm gonna get all the work. Yeah

Yeah, if anybody wants to buy that part of that world actually if men only had one sperm He only had one sperm Per man. Is this what you were thinking about? No, this is a different thing. I've already moved on from the thing I was thinking about Well, that'd be like anyway. I'll have a clerk had a bit about that where he's like, it's just one big one, it comes out and goes, I'm like, it's like land on the teabag. Oh yeah.

Yeah, it's great. But my other thing was, what if, I was wondering if this would lead to the grand past situation we would do, man. What if men allow me to feed out now? What if we, what if we, what if we, what if we, if we cure death? Right, so people just keep aging and we find you know, because how some people find older men attractive

What if we find out that men just keep getting more and more sexy as they get older and older and older and so and and and buy And so, and by, in comparison, all the younger men look so ugly now. So wait, so like, sexier even than like 85-year-olds look now? Yeah, yeah, even sexier than that, if you could imagine. Okay. Well, maybe they bounce, you know, and it comes back, and then they get more... They get a second win. Second win, exactly, right? And so women now have no interest in any of the...

Yeah, no, this doesn't increase the number of grandads at all. Does it? This just increases the number of very old sexy men, which is fine. It may be good. That's another world. When you're world building for a living, you know, there's no wrong world. You don't throw any world to life. Because you're in the business of infinity. You're creating a whole universe.

What a business to be in, by the way. I'm in the business of infinity. And, yeah, I wonder what that would be like. Is there a sketch idea in any of this? I do wanna say the pooping things in is a sketch idea. Okay. Yeah. I don't know what form the sketch takes,

but did you know that you can also poop in? Yeah. I mean, it's just interesting. Well, I mean, it's even just pondering the question, you know, probably people at Oxford Dictionary well, in a wondering, you know, because and then maybe doing some experimentation. I don't know if this has ever been done as a sketch,

but it feels way too obvious as a format for sketches. But just have people dressed up as super like thoughtful looking philosophy type people, and cigarette frauds, or socrates, or whatever it is. I don't think that's ever been done. Right, and then they're sitting around and they are, just pondering questions like, can you poop in? Because that already feels very funny to me.

Yeah, I mean, it's a sign to, it's a paper that you could write at philosophy. You gotta publish your day. By the way, in the world of philosophy, this is probably much more relevant to people's everyday lives than about 98% of philosophy that's ever been written. So don't tell me that this isn't a fit subject for philosophy. Whether or not you can poop something in,

is a genuine, like it's an interesting question. We could start a school of philosophy. Yeah I mean you don't have to be part of a university. No, I reckon we could even call it They're like the the platonic the platonic school of philosophy because I reckon the copyright has lapsed on that name That's true. Yeah, we swoop in we get the domain now. I finally get all that that brand recognition Yeah, I mean people will come to us thinking they're getting platonic We get the domain now. I finally get all that brand recognition that Plato, I mean, people will come to us thinking they're getting platonic philosophy. Well, we'll say no, it's philosophy in which we both

stay good friends, but progress no further. Yeah. It's also, it's the kind of philosophy department you have to create in the Me Too era. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And it's, you know, and I'll say, but this philosophy, this is nothing like what Plato was talking about.

We'll be like, well, that's what it's like when you get a reboot. Mm, also. He didn't, he just didn't get to it. He had a lot of his time. Exactly. He took a lot of a lot of stuff, but eventually, this is got there.

Yeah, I mean, when you create a school, you gotta create a whole curriculum. You can't just stick to the few books that he's written. Oh, what is the nature of the good? Okay, sure. Yeah, but that will... That will feel how long. Yeah, that's a couple of days.

Yeah. It may be a single period. Mm-hmm. A whole period. Sure. And I meant a full stop. Really? Yes.

Okay. And I meant a full stop. Really? Nice. It's you. Okay. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career in a rewarding field, with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation.

You could start your new career in months, not years, take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time. Mycomputercareer.edu I'm a good name for a punctuation mark, the full stop. I think it's a good name for anything, full stop. Good name for a band, full stop. It's a shame your brother was named as band. Yeah, it's a shame.

I did it tweet recently that I thought would go really, really good. Andy, that is what tweeting is. Every time you tweet something that goes, you go, you're thinking you had 36,000 reach. Like that. I did do one recently. That did go very, very good. That did go really well.

Got seven. Seven thousand? Seven thousand, 7200 or something now we're on about. I mean, I don't know, but I've been... Do you feel happy yet? No. Or must be at eight thousand. Yeah, must be eight thousand.

The happiness kicks in. Yeah. Ah, it must be eight thousand. The happiness kicks in. Ah, just short. I wonder if anyone, yeah, if there is like Navana could lie. Because you can get to Navana by doing good deeds in this life, I believe, and by pondering on the Buddha or something like that. But I also think that like there must, like there are other ways to do everything.

You know, there are other, there are more than one way to skin a cat. That's right, on the other side. Yeah. There's more than one way to skin a Buddha. Right. Skinner Buddha. Skinner Bodhisattva.

What was the, what was the tweet that I thought would go good? Oh, that if I had a musician and if I had any musical ability at all, and I released enough albums to have a best of, I would call that album Track Record. I think that's really funny. I guess maybe it's not, I. I think that's really funny. Yeah. I guess maybe it's not, I don't think it's really funny. I think it's really clever. Clever. Yeah.

I keep getting those two things confused. And the thing is that that is gut bustingly clever. But almost. By slappingly clever. I almost I almost is falling on the floor Clevering finding that clever is that a sketch? Now. I mean, if, you know, you know how when the comedy festivals on, right, they just send any old, like, when the, when you're the Harold Sun was trying to review every single comedy festival or

whatever, and then you would just send any old reporter from the paper to review the comedy, so that's in the motoring person or the, I mean I don't know if this actually happened, but it seemed to be what every comedian was saying was happening. The motorboating guy. They sent the motorboating reviewer. He normally writes about motorboating in this period. The hero, I guess in the UK, he would be the page three guy. I wonder if they still have that, because I'm going to get rid of it.

I reckon they probably have. I've come up with a new page four. Page 100, but that's just page three. It was just very liable. But I've come up with a new thing for motorbots. Now this is not okay to do, but let's say with if you and your beloved both agree that this is okay to motorboat each other in your respective breasts, then it doesn't even have a fair exchange.

No, I think we're both growing. That's true. We are packing. Well, I've created the sailboat, and that's mostly where you just go, whew. And it's more environmentally friendly. Yeah.

And less invasive. I mean, you still gotta be pretty close. Pretty close for them to feel it on there. But, you know. Yeah. I think that's great. The sailboat, I've invented the jet ski, I think that's great. The sailboat. I've invented the jet ski, which is where you run up and down the of the top. Yeah, right. So as you're entering entering the top,

the early part of that. Okay, early in the entrance. But the gut bustingly clever. I'm just thinking like if we reviewed like if you sent people along to lectures and sort of thing, to review lectures like you would review a comedy show Yeah, sort of like using the adjectives Talk about you know what are the common criticisms of comedy reviews when they talk about the room or talk about what kind of comedy They would have liked to have seen all that sort of thing. Yeah, so you do that you go along to like Peter singers lecture on Animal rights ethics or something Well, please were or a thing where people do anagrams along to like Peter Singer's lecture on animal rights ethics or something.

Well, a thing where people do anagrams. Long anagrams? Yeah. Or tell you what it was for a show. For a slapping link, and then there was a, there was a spoonerism section where I almost wet myself with, with a predictability of how each sentence was going to go.

Once I heard it. I mean, Spoonerism is a bit too close to just comedy because people use Spoonerism's in comedy. Yeah, but not that. But you're right. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, I think reviewing clever things as gut bustingly clever, I think there's something

else to do. Okay. You know, I think giving star ratings even to philosophical discourses is funny. I mean, it might not be funny, funny, but it is clever. Which is the new funny. Well, clever is the new funny. It's definitely, and it's the is clever. Which is the new funny. Well, clever is the new funny. It's definitely, and it's the old clever. Should we find three words from a listener? I'd love that.

They're like, go, we have smashed this episode. Well, you know, we've been talking about a lot of stuff. And you know what, we've really skimmed over the top of every single one of our needs. We have, I haven't seen you for it, because we pre-recorded an episode for last week, and that means I haven't seen Alistair for a week and a half, and it's gonna come tumble

and out of me. Yeah, no, me too. And we didn't even really have a chance to even have a talk in the room. No. I told you two ideas, that we went straight into it, because you were seeing a song and you thought, this sounds nice.

And I'll start recording, and then I was like, well, let me get in, and I said, hot, hot, hot or something like that. Yeah, it was good. It was good. I had a really good time. And it was a good energy for getting into the app. And here we are.

All right. Now. Is? Three words. This episode come from a listener. I'm so glad who has signed up to Patreon to the $3 model or maybe the $8 one but $8 also allows you to suggest three words it does as well and this is from Ian Whitehead. Hello Ian. Hello Ian. Hello Ian, what head? Now, what you like to guess?

What the words that Ian has come up with? Yes, okay, nodule. You know what? You're so close because the word, the first word, is contained within nodule. Really? Yeah. Is it old dule? No, and are you idiot? No, tell me. It's no. No, okay. Great, okay.

Next word, logarithm. Really bad, Gets. It was sketch. Oh no sketch, okay. Now, Andy. Do you want to try to guess the third word? Okay. Book.

No sketch book. Oh no, I don't have a sketch book. I've got a great sketch for this one by the way. Think about it. Think about it. Ideas. No sketch ideas. Andy, you couldn't be more wrong. Really? Yes, it's IKEA. That looks a lot like IKEA. Are you sure you haven't misread the word idea? Andy, they're fucking with us. Oh, those.

They're fucking with us. Ian Whitehead. Yes. More like Ian Whitefuck. I'm glad you didn't say fuckhead. That would have been very insulting to us. And very recently signed up Patreon supporter. Thank you, Ian. What an auspicious start to this relationship.

Ian, I'm sorry about all of that. Alistair made me do it. He was threatening me with a knife. It's a disable. He carries it for good luck. I carry a knife and a big a knife. So I can do that knife thing all by myself. To myself.

No sketch, Ikea. Ikea. So what is that? What do we do? What's the one joke that people do? The hard to put together and you always have screws left over at the end. Also, you only go there for the meatballs. That's right.

And. And you get lost in there. Also, you only go there for the meatballs. That's right, and... And... You get lost in there, and there's lots of kids in there lost. And you can't eat in a long time. Oh, and your wife drags you around, maybe? Your wife drags you around, and that's the wife, the wife. And you can get those $1 hot dogs. Anyway, those are the one joke you can make about IKEA. Here's a sketch idea.

Aliens come down to our planet. And they ask us to come with them to their planet. And then we, they're talking to one of them. Don't get into a ship with a strange alien. They're talking to one of us, the leader or whatever. And the leader says, well, I'll have to ask the wife. And the aliens say, oh, that's very insulting way to talk about a woman, you've removed her identity entirely.

And then we say, oh no, all the women except for one died out in a horrible disease, and now there's only one and we're all married to her. And she is the wife, and the aliens feel very silly. Yeah, and that would explain why this planet, and that's why we're explaining to them why there's so many grandpas. Yes.

Because we've just up all the women as old men. So they're not dead. They just stretched up as old men so that we didn't sexualize them all the time. But we've told them, we've told them they're all dead. So now we got to hide all the women We told the aliens. Well, that's what you said. That was your bit. Well the aliens. We have but the well in my one the aliens are all the women are dead Oh, no, no, I thought yes, okay

The world's leader said something sexist. Okay. I'm gonna try to come back to my accent. I said something sexist The alien called him on it. And he said, oh, no, no, no, all the women died out. And there's only one. As an excuse, so he didn't look sexist in front of the alien civilization. So it should save face. To save face.

We all have to try and make the leader go and go along with this crazy lie. It's a world new world government. Because the aliens are coming down, they're gonna give us the secret of eternal life We're all very excited about it to take us to their planet to get to get it Yeah, and then and we think we've blown it straight away So everyone's on board with this for that. Oh, we got to try it because they hate sexists

But you know, maybe it was like... He's gaffed, bro, and we voted for him because he wasn't a political inside. Oh, no. He was a Bavric, and now look at this situation, where anyway, now all the women are dressed up as grandpas. Yeah. Classic scenario.

The whole world, is it a fast fast type scrape? I love it global fast It's you know, that's what happens once you have the world government You know everybody's gonna have to listen you know have to fall in line with especially if we have a world dictator Mm-hmm, all in auto-tallitarian But we like him and we don't want him to look bad. It's right. We like him You know people like you know the people of North Korea like Kim Kim Jong-un Uh-huh. Yeah, they all do I as far as I can tell all of them. I've never seen a single one of them say anything bad about him That's all I'm saying that's all about you

And they all show up to his parades and you know how hard it is to get people to show up to things God, I bet if you were a dictator, you could really get people along to your comedy festival show. Oh, you'd have to. I guess they'd have to. I mean, they wouldn't, I mean, they wouldn't like make it sound like they had to. Oh, no, you had to come. They'd be like, oh, this was great. Well, we had to come because we'd heard such good things. Yeah, yeah. We, you know, in the hood, you had to come they'd be like oh this was great. Well, we had to come because we'd heard such good things We you know and he would be packing out that 40 cedar every night The city's in a 40 cedar Well, he's still humble, you know

The comedy festival wouldn't give him a bigger rate You can't you can't mess with the comedy festival. That's right. And so then he would you know go to the You know the nana at the end of every night, the venue manager would go to him and go, sir, I gotta say, you've sold out the whole run already. Do you think it would be okay if we moved you into a 60-seater? Like that need to be like, well, you know what, it's only fair, I mean, you're right. Let's see if we can, you know, let's risk it. Yeah.

And then he risked it in the next night next night I was all the tickets sell overnight. And then by the end of the next show, the venue commander comes and then by the end, he's doing arenas, depending on how big a world this is. Yeah. Yeah. How many citizens are still alive because of the famine? Yeah. What led to us accepting this one big idiot? What were the words again? No sketch I can't. I mean, does that count as our no sketch Ikea sketch? I mean, I guess in a way it doesn't sound like a sketch idea.

I mean... Well, we can come up with another one while I write this down. He's an Ikea sketch that like that probably fails with all the tropes. Okay, this is all the tropes from Ikea in the one sketch. You're in Ikea eating some meatballs and the fire alarm goes off. Your wife has lost somewhere in the main body of Ikeke because everyone gets lost in Ikeke. And so you run to the emergency exit and you run to the assembly point.

Right? And there's a... They say you've got to assemble over here. So you all get there and then they have a list of all the names of everyone in the store somehow. I don't know how they got that right, but then they say there's a few missing and you say huh That's just they're like it IKEA. There's a few missing You know

I mean there's a few people there's a few parts Your surname is part, okay? Your name is Liam, Liam part and you've got a son called Noel part and your wife Trudy part, okay? And you run to the assembly point, okay, with your meatballs, right? Because that's where I came in. That's the other reason you go there, right? And then there you're going through this is everyone here and you say there's a few parts there, right? And then there you're going through that says everyone here, and you say, there's a few parts missing, right? Cause your son and your wife are lost in the burning building.

And the IKEA fire warden says, well, it is IKEA. Yeah, well, and you know what, that is pants shittingly clever. Ha ha ha. I thought they were gonna go to the assembly point and it's gonna be a double fakie, right? Yeah, they go to the assembly point because you think oh now they've made a huge mistake You know, it's like everybody should be evacuating going out to the assembly point These people go to the assembly point, but then all the staff there

Build all the humans into like a like a fire trot. Oh, great. And then they drive away, obviously, to get them out of the fire danger. But then I guess they could use some of the people and shoot them at the hose as if they're the water. They're the water of the whole thing. And then they could go there and they could tap down. They could tap down.

They could tap it down, kind of. Right, but that's not the same. That's not as good. No, well, well. It's not as pat, the pat. Sure. Right. But that's not the same. That's not as good. No, well. It's not as good as the others. I mean, I feel slightly more achievable, but I think to its detriment, to its detriment, I mean, what is achievable ability?

I mean, we all saw that in our minds. Achieveability is compromised with reality, and I refuse to compromise with reality. That's right. Everybody who achieves anything has essentially compromised with reality There's something really deep in there. They've they've negotiated with the terrorist that is existence and I refuse to do that Because Because I think that's going to have to take it in the next magma show in the next area.

Right. Teleport coming to the comedy festival in a 40 cedar. Are we in a 40 or are we 60? I think we're in a 60 cedar this year. I lost it. What have we done? Don't worry. I've made it much worse by also having a 40 cedar where I'm doing a solo show.

Also, we've split our audience that way as well. Right. No, no, no. All our audience to this is going to, if they do come, are coming, you're going to come to the engineers one. The solo show thing, nobody's listening to this to hear me do stand-up ideas.

So for me, it's all about focusing and working towards your financial problems. Even though you've somehow managed to make thousands of dollars more than I have throughout this four months of unemployment that we've actually I've actually been doing a lot better than I normally do Somehow I've had a lot more free time and made more money somehow Got to do a lot of work in the garden and around the house. Yeah, it's been family with family with my time

Hmm spend family with my time, but at least you've also had so much time to work on like teleport and this other project that we're working on. Yeah, it's going well. A lot of the free time that you've got. That might reduce it. We have got a project, Elastair. Should we talk about it? We shouldn't talk about it.

We can't talk about it yet. Yeah. Because it's still just going into a nothing phase. We can't talk about it yet. Yeah. Because it's still just going into a nothing phase. Like not a nothing, it's a something phase. Yeah. But then there is going to be a phase where it's more something. Yeah.

And then with any luck, there will be a phase where it's a lot more something than that. Yeah. And that'll be really great. But it's in an audio medium and it's, that's just to, now we're done. An audio maximum. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I was I was saying is an audio mini Oh, yeah, forget it. All right Do you want to take us through the sketch because we come up with today L.A. State Trumbly Bertram. All right

Well, we've got the new base one number system. Yeah, simplifies things by allowing you to just count Count by just count the numbers of digits and things. So if it's like, oh, he's got a six figure salary, please make it six dollars. Which makes sense, you don't have to think six, well that's six zero. Oh, no, that's so five zeros, then one, so that's a hundred thousand. Ish or more. But now, how many figures? Yeah.

Six, six, six, six. You said six, it's six, he makes six dollars. That's 60, like six dollars. You know, he makes 58,000 figures salary. You see, that's much clearer. That's making 58,000 dollars. You see, that's much clearer. That makes his making $58,000. Yeah.

But also, like when people are getting used to the new system, it's going to sound like everyone's doing really well. Like, everyone's going to feel very rich until we adjust. Well, it's going to be a period there where we feel really good. Yeah, but I guess when people kind of go, when they say like, it's a five, it's a five figure salary, or it's a five figure salary or Or it's a six figure salary six figures what a million no So you go you think oh, well that could be

999 And nine so that's why I look for enough in a salary knowing the number of digits that are in the salary Yeah, it's all six figures. Yeah, I know what there's a big there's a big difference between them once you get up to that number of digits that are in the salary. Oh, it's six figures. Yeah, I know there's a big difference between them. Once you get up to that number of digits, there's a huge gap. Huge. I'm going to write a number down on a piece of paper

and slide it across you. And that number represents the number of numbers that are going to be in the amount of money you'll be making. Because when you came here, you wanted to know how many numbers were going to be in it. Anyway, I feel like this is another kind of idea that could go into. We were making six figure salaries in the base one system, six dollars. This is it. This is it. It's in? Great. Maths is where we It's in? Great. Maths is where we, we've got, we've always working on fixing improving maths.

Yeah. Well, it's an endless task because of the, well, the number of problems that are involved in mathematics. Then we've got the lingua franca mess, which is even just the existence of this expression is a huge problem. Right. Then we've got parts of the body. It's our room. This is a colleague of the guy who sees each part of the body as itself a body. You're listening to Terry the thing. Take the show where we come

up with six five colleagues. For our characters, it's other sketches. We came up with years ago. Yeah. So it was, yeah. Anyway, look, it's almost not, it's other sketches. We came up with years ago. Yeah, so anyway, look, it's almost not, it's so good, it's not worth going into. Yes. Then we've got the new concept of pooping in. Now this could be a new philosophical discussion program. No, I'm Chomsky's on there.

Yes. Um, discussion program. Discussion program? No, I'm Chomsky's on there. Yes. Chomsky. Which sounds like the sound of pooping in. No, I don't know. But it sounds like a butt chewing. It sounds like a good name for a crocodile. Yeah, the gnome you want to change a little bit, don't you?

I guess gnome you want to change a little bit, don't you? I guess gnome chomp ski. I mean, the fact that there isn't a small chocolate, like gnome, character that you can eat that's full of, what's that stuff? Violet crumble, honeycomb. That's full of honeycomb called a gnome chomp ski. The fact that that doesn't exist is it is an indictment. And you're just giving it away like that. Just giving it away.

Yeah. Spread it out there. I mean, you could contact your friends in the chocolate and mystery and make a pretty penny, quite pretty. What is it? It's gorgeous. Yeah. Stunning.

And we've got the reviewing clever things as butgustingly clever. This is a new It's what I it's all I want It's for people who don't want stuff that's so funny all the time But they want to know that stuff out there is He's clever. That's right Then we got a world leader who says something sexist to an alien species who are gonna give us the secret to existence

And he said he refers to his wife as the wife. And then the alien species is quite offended for women. And so he goes, oh, no, no, all women have died. There is only one wife, which is why you'll find that there's so many grandpa's. You don't say that bit out loud. No, no, no, but later on you explain it And then there's the IKEA sketch Which one which would the assembly point and the parts oh yeah assembly point and the parts. Oh yeah. Oh that's right.

The wife thing. Or, just try to remember what had happened. Anyway, if anyone stuck with us on this, it's mad, dash through collective consciousness. Thank you. I think you'll find that the whole episode slowed down when I started speaking with my regular accent. And so maybe we need that.

Yeah, we need, well, we need to slow down. I know we'll get the next hunt. All right. This is what's going to happen. 300 episode. I'll have to do it all with an Australian accent. That's so good. It'll be over so quickly. Oh mate. It'll be like pooping in. It'll be vomiting in. We'll get them all done.

We'll get all the bodily functions done. Bottley functions. I have functions, but where are the bodily forms? That's the one I know. Yes, well, it's the whole body. That's both. Well, that's good. Oh, thank you.

I love it. I'm trying to actually really is efficient. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. I really do appreciate it. I even appreciate it too. Not only do we appreciate it, but Alistair appreciates it individually. It's like at the Comedy Festival. We do a show, but Alistair does another show as well.

He spends an extra hour every night appreciating it. Well, you know what it is. It does more shows. You know what it is, it's because right after Comedy Festival will also be out of work again for a few months, right? And what's gonna happen then, while you're making thousands of dollars through random

things that just fall into life? We might not be out of work because of the thing. I'll be well, you're right. Who's that? Anyway, we'll see. But we could be out of work. We could be out of work. It's a while you're making thousands of dollars. I need to make it a little bit. I try to see if I can make extra money. I got a risk it or lose a lot. Yeah. Let's go again to that time. Yeah. Anyway, enough about us and our various financial scenarios. Yeah. Anyway, look, our shows aren't on sale yet, but if you're listening to this and it is the future,

the Comedy Festival website will have two shows available. One will be Teleport and that's our engineering show. Engineers, engineering presentation. And the other one will be, and that's, well, that one is going to be so good, it's going to blow, it's going to be pants bustingly funny and clever. And then I'm also going to be doing art rat hybrid, which will be my solo show, which is going to be very excited about Alistair. It's gonna be fucking great. You are gonna

poop in yourself. Uh-huh. You're gonna have an existential crisis. You're gonna poop in your own pants. That's what's gonna happen. poop in your pants. So and that doesn't mean a poop is gonna come out into your pants. That means your pants are gonna go up into your butt. Yes, you're gonna poop your pants in. I pooped in my pants today. Let's give you a new bit. You can do this in your show, Elster. I'm really excited. Oh yeah, it's really good. I'm taking language in new directions.

Literally. You'll be able to say I pooped in my pants and it won't be embarrassing in the same way as it was before. Now, are we embarrassing it a new way? It'll be impressive. Yeah. Well, you know, and that lack of clarity is that people can't feel bad for you

or laugh at you immediately. Because you could have done something unbelievably amazing. Incredible. And this is the best thing about abstract art. People don't know if it's good or not. So they can't judge it straight away. I guess what they'll do is don't look at your pants Right, they'll look to see if you're wearing pants, but then you could say I've put on a new pair This is a dip which is what you would have to do in both scenarios

So you're still got them you got them they can't get you up. They can't get you for that. They can't get you. Scott free. And we... You can review us online. That's great. And you can support us on Patreon. It helps so much.

You have no idea how much it helps. Especially me during these long periods of no huge amounts of money falling into my lap. You know what? Daniel K, a very loyal listener to the show, has recommended a book that I listen to that I've forgotten the name of. But I'm listening to it. I'm listening to it and it's got Yeah, but I'm listening to it. I'm listening to it and it's got to science fiction story. It's a science fiction story. Yeah, right. It's a called like a nub moon descending or something like that or the it's got some ring, a ring. Maybe a ring in a fact. Anyway, there's a there's an alien race called the puppeteers and

And I've already forgotten why I was oh no he was listening wait what was I talking about Money the fact that I got I got money fall into my lap yeah And then you brought up Daniel Kay in the fact that he's going to listen to this book and Anyway, thanks for letting this this program forgotten what I was gonna say. I'll have to listen back And then I'll let you know this this episode. This is the worst. No, no, this is the best. And we love you. Hello, son Twitter.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbrodcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. I mean, if you won't, it's up to you. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career in a rewarding field, with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation.

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