Two In The Think Tank - 215 - "SPECIAL HOUR"

Episode Date: December 31, 2019

Carbon Footprint of Love, Conscriptception, Special Hour, Pumpernickel Clunt, Bean Bog, Secret Secret. Freaky ChristmasHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereNew Years thanks to George for producing this episode! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career in a rewarding field, with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time! Mycomputercareer.edu.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. Libnits, libnits, lubnits, and lipidits, dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa-dippa- I am Alistair George William Tromblay Bertjell. That is what the podcast is. That is who we are as well. You are listening to it. Hope you have a real good time. And I'm Andy. Do I say my name? No, you already did.

And I'm Alistair William Charlie virtual and Andrew. Yes. Welcome. And this would be just after Christmas, you know, probably only six days after it's going to be three times. It could be New Year's Eve when people receive this. So if you're hearing this on that day, have a good New Year's Eve, feel free to purchase tickets to our comedy festival show. As good New Year's Eve. Feel free to purchase tickets to our comedy festival show.

As a New Year's gift. As a New Year gift, as a good way of wrapping the year, buying some tickets to Teleport, which we'll be starting in late March, and then running all the way through April. And also my other solo show, which I'm much more terrified of. This one, Teleport is a sure thing.

What's the name of your other show, Alex? My other show, the name of my other show, is called Couldn't Be More Thriiled With Everything. Such a good name. No, thank you. Gonna be an amazing show. No, it is amazing, it's Teleport. So Teleport first.

Everybody, look, if you're gonna buy tickets to just one show and that's completely fine, teleport. I'll take it. I'm not gonna say no. No. Oh, you're not. Apart from just then. No, I said, I'm making no promises.

I had an idea. Was it like the opposite of Yes, man? It's no man. No man. No, it wasn't, but you know, that could be something. Yeah. Somebody, it's an inspirational film about the life-changing power of saying no.

As if this hasn't already been written as a book. Everything's a life-changing power of any old fucking shit. By what about the environment-saving power of saying no? Yeah, that's probably something there. What's that? So they turn on the movie, yes, man, and see what sort of carbon footprint he had. Well, exactly. It would have been terrible. Yes, it would have been.

Was it terrible? Yes. Yeah, so look, it's just it's not even about saying no when people ask you questions. Mm-hmm. It's about saying no even when people meet your eye. Okay. It's about saying no even when you're alone. Let's find out what is the carbon footprint? What is the impact on the environment of falling in love? footprint. What is the impact on the environment of falling in love? You know, of holding hands under a moon that's guy, of looking into the eye of a newborn duck. It's saying smart. Did you say a newt born duck?. Duck born to a newt. What would be the carbon footprint of that? It's gotta be high. I think science, whenever we've been at the hospital

with babies being born and that sort of thing, hospitals and a science in general produces a lot of plastic waste. You know, is that every new piece of equipment is wrapped in plastic. And a science in general produces a lot of plastic waste. You notice that? Every new piece of equipment is wrapped in plastic. Everything goes straight in the bin. You know? Like a beaker?

Rapted plastic. Rapted plastic. What kind of things? What kind of things do you just train in the bin? Every time there was like a new syringe or a new little baby bottle or any other hospital. Oh yeah, because now you tell me about in science? Yeah, well, I was trying to conflate the two. But I think the new born duck would have to take place

in a hospital. Yeah, or at least like a medical lab, or some sort of like a veterinarian, a veterinarian lab, veterinarian. Vera Lynn. I think you're thinking of Vera Lynn. Oh, yeah, Vera Lynn lab I think you're thinking of Vera Lynn. Oh, yeah, but Vera Lynn lab. This is too much bullshit, but is there anything about the the carbon footprint of love?

Yes, but flying so high with some girl in the sky produces over 200 tons of carbon waste per year. Sure, but if we're going, I think I think if there's a sketch in this, right? Because I think at the moment it's a little light, you know, it's a little light on the sketch. At the moment it's a study, you know,

but the study itself would be very wasteful, you know? They're having to measure these things and follow these people around and do all sorts of stuff. And then, if we can get that Newt-born duck in there. You know? That's one way you know,

once you get that Newt-born duck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about something that is sort of like, is reducing your carbon footprint a good enough reason to sort of not really do anything nice for your loved one, to sort of skimp out on adversaries and birthdays, sort of not make as much effort, you know, and be basically a worse lover.

I think. I think it is. And I think that like, that's a good excuse. A good reason. I think if we did one generation, obviously it's too late for you and me. One generation of everybody is celibate, and halibate.

Oh, sorry. If you do one generation where everybody is celibate, doesn't that mean that's it? No more humanity? No, but like, you know, like you're in my generation. Yeah. And my parents are in their generation. Yeah. Right?

But I reckon in between every generation, there's another little generation. That is not true. That is not true. Yeah, yeah. I don't know, like, not between your parents and you. But I mean, there's like nothing. But I think in between every generation,

there's another generation, that's not possible because generations, me, like between one generation and the next, there can't be another generation because then like between one generation and the next. There can't be another generation because then that one wouldn't be the next anymore, L.A. But I think it's all about categorization. If you look at it, you could actually find that each generation could be split up into two generations.

Oh, this is so angry. There's sort of two demi generations, right? Yeah. Because what are you giving? Oh, this is so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, your born. Let's say your parents are born, right? And then there's this whole part where they live, whether you're not born. But in the middle of that, halfway through. Some people are born, right? That's a new generation, right? And then you're born, right? You're a new generation. Then halfway between when you have kids and when there's another generation of people who are born. So there's sort of parallel streams of generations. Of course, we're all going in the same direction that of the arrow of time. You know? The Dalgium cart of time.

So we just need one of those generations to not give birth. Yep. I think that would be good. That would be good. Everybody's just give it. Just give I think that would be good. That would be good. Everybody's celibate and palibate. And. Right.

And I think maybe that could save us. I'm constantly looking for just a little quick fix. It's a combination of conscription and contraception. It's conscript for assumption. Oh, conscript for assumption. And what you do is you put balls in a In a bowl. Yeah, and you pull out the balls and if they pull out your ball They pull out your ball

So there's there's two balls in this ball It's a ball full of balls but two balls. Yeah. Pretty big balls in the ball. And then they just pull out... One of them is the two breeding generations that are breeding age. Yeah. And they pull out one of the balls, out of the ball. And then that's in the ball.

And then it's a pleasure ball. That's your ball. And they pull out your ball. And they pull out your ball. What's great about it? It's so easy to explain it. Well, lead to... No, no, no, no, this is a different idea. That's a different...

Oh, conscript to shell exception. Yeah, and all the balls. This was the idea that I had before that probably isn't going to be really idea, an idea, right? But you know how we always have special days? Mm-hmm, birthdays, Queen's birthday. Jesus' birthday. Yeah, all right. Easter Bunny's birthday. Right. Pancake, Tuesday's birthday. Birthday. But there's no special hours. First day of summer's birthday. Birthday. Birthday. There's, but there's no special hours. First day of summer's birthday. It's not special hours.

Oh my god. Like, you know, there's no like hour that's a public holiday. What about 2.30? 2.30. That is, you're right, that is a special hour, 2.30. So, okay, what are you saying? Every day there should be a special hour. I mean, I'm 100% on board with this.

Thank you. And I mean, it doesn't have to be the hour beginning at 2.30. Mm. And this isn't lunch, I guess. Well, that is kind of a special hour. But maybe it's not every day. Maybe this one isn't every day, right?

Maybe this is every three months. Well, how about this? It's not every day. Maybe this one isn't every day, right? Maybe this is every three months. Well, how about this? It's a special hour. This is how we could do it. This is how we could make a special hour more viable. Okay. So let's say you, instead of using the 24 hour clock, you used a seven day version of that.

So what's seven times? Seven times 24, so it'd be 1407 times 4 is 28, 168. 168 hour clock, right? So that way, we just go, we use that instead of what we currently use, right? And you still understand that night time comes every 24 hours or whatever. But within that week, you can have a special hour.

And that way it doesn't come too often, like every day, and it becomes routine. I mean, if a week, if it makes you feel like what we're doing here is actually just having a special thing every week. Because then it gets kind of mixed the day a bit special because this is the special day where there's the special hour. But we could turn a week and we could start calling that a day. I think that's what we do. All right, weeks a day is 168 hours to a day. Yeah. So there's seven sleeps in a day. And now we get to have a special hour. Yeah. Exactly what the parameters are have a special hour. Yeah. Now, you know, exactly what the parameters are of the special hour. I'm not totally sure.

No. Do we give each other things? Or... Takes away. Takes away. You get to take one thing. Yeah. And it's like a theft day.

Yeah, it was a... You get to take one thing from every, or like, or maybe it's a Chris Gringo. It's a Chris Gringo where you pick an email and you can take anything of this. You can take anything of this or whatever you can steal within the hour. Yeah, it's just you can carry.

Who's in an hour? Not as much as you can carry. I think it's just got to be one thing. Because that makes it more special. That's what's so special about the special hour. Yeah. But, let's say, what about... But you wouldn't be able to get it within the hour. What about like a game?

Because if it goes out of the hour, you get arrested. It's a prison. It's a prison. That's just back to that. Okay, but let's say we just saw we get some ground rules here. Let's say you're stealing a game of pick-up sticks. Right, from this person. Yeah.

Right, great example. Great example. I could see you just year after that game of pick-up sticks. Right, from this person. Yeah, right, great example. Great example. I could see you just year after that game of pick-up sticks for all 167 hours, up to the special hour. Yeah. I see it there. But I would love to pick up this pick-up stick. Does that count as stealing a bunch of sticks?

Could you only take, let's say, the container in which they are in? Really good philosophical question. I'm glad you brought this up. Because then could you go, well, it's a box of stationary stuff. It's just one thing, one box of stationary stuff. I think it's one functional unit of whatever the thing is. So, so I don't think a single pickup stick is would be considered a functional not functional for a pickup stick or a pickup sticks. But it could be functional. For the advertised purpose. Okay. So, but let's say it was like, you know, a dinner, a dinner, like a dining set. Yeah.

Yeah. So then a dining set, you know, if you go to somebody's house or they're, you know, you could take 12 plates, 12 bowls, 12, you know, maybe even 12 forks and spoons and things like that. And then again, now you're looking for things that were bought in groups. So you're being able to sort of be pretty strategic about this together.

What about stealing your house? If the thing that you're really excited about, whether for the special hour is the opportunity to steal something that has a large number of components. If that's what you ascribe value to, they're absolutely. Paul's at the special hour are absolutely, I think, you can take somebody's family because it's one family. It's just one family. I'm just trying to make sure that you know, like the rules, because then you may as well. If that's the rule, then you may as well make

it as much as you can carry, because you might not be able to carry a whole dining set. I reckon I could any dining set, any whole dining set in the world I could carry. As much as you can carry in one trip without using bags. What about trolleys? Or no trolleys and no boxes. Wow, so it's just your bare arms. Bare arms. Everybody's just your bare arms. Bare arms. Everybody's naked for the hour.

For the special hour. For the special hour, so there's no pockets. Yeah. Okay. And yeah, anything that you're like, it's, it's getting scary. Does that mean that you can't put anything in your butt? You can't. Oh, everybody's butt is taped over.

Okay. With a special tape. Yes. Right, they'll know. And it's the check the tape. It's the end of the hour. It's the a special tape. Yes, special tape. They'll know and it's they check the tape at the end of the hour special hour tape And it's the same tape that they use it's a similar tape You can do the same one because it's special That they use like on medics and or whatever or on

Tampa, Tampa proof or or even like on salad dressing That's things so that you know that nobody's been involved in your dressing. So it's exciting. You're getting ready, you're the hours ticking down. There's like five minutes before the hour. Everybody has to run it. Everybody has to run it. Everybody has to run it. Well, if you don't, you're a fool.

As soon as you break the seal, you can't steal. Yeah. You've broken the seal. The seal. You may not steal. So it's, you know, 160, 6 hours and 50 minutes. Everybody starts stripping off. Everybody helps each other to put the tape over their butt holes.

Yeah. It's beautiful. It's a buddy system. It's a shallower buddy system. Over the butt holes and for the lady, the vagina as well. Of course. And the ears and the nostrils and the mouth. Mmm. All the breathing holes. So it really does take a real deep breaths as well.

Because you only have one that has little holes for the yet. Perforated. Perforated for the thing. So like a bug in a jar. I don't think everybody's face needs to be all wrapped up. I think it's fun when you put tape over the butt hole. I feel like this ruins a little bit of the integrity of special hour, but that's okay. Yeah, as you think there's a war on special hour?

I think there's currently a war on special hour. And what's great about special hour is that it is low carbon footprint because you're not actually making any new stuff, right? Unless you're stealing them straight from a factory. You can't do that. Oh, but what if the factory is owned by a single man? You know rather than a corporation, whatever the person who owns the factory.

Can you steal that whole factory? Well, maybe, but then. I wonder if you could steal it. You would have to steal it by set of getting a new deed done up. Hmm. Yeah, it would probably be some quite steal it by set of getting a new deed done up. Mm. Yeah, it would probably be some quite technical. But then that would start new industries, people who make up deeds real fast

for people who need a big special. Yeah, a big deed. And you've got, I'm a speed deed dealer. Very good. Mm. Okay. You want factory? Man, this man should have, he should have put factory in name of business.

I mean, I think people who do that, I mean you still know what people have done after the hour as well. You know, right? So people who steal speed deeds, via speed deeds. Via speed deeds. They're not going to have a good reputation in the office or whatever. That's true. So, yeah, but it is Chris Crinkle as well, isn't it? That's true. So you don't get this. You're Chris Crinkle, and you don't necessarily know who your person is until the start of the hour when you pull out the names.

And then you sprint off, nude. No, yeah. To their house. And you sprint off, nude. No, yeah, the vows. But you might keep, you might keep like a, you know, like a, you know, like a document on Google Docs or something like that. This episode is sponsored by Google Docs. And, and that like, I'd love a Google Docs sponsorship. Yeah, and via like, it's a, it's a,

it's a Google Docs that you have on your computer. It just keeps track of like all the stuff people in your office have. They even want sure, sure, sure. And all the people who live within like, driving distance. I think that'd just be a fun list to just keep. Even though, even in the absence of special hour,

existing, it's not making that list. Yeah, that is nice. Yeah, I think it's a good idea. If somebody finds it, I want to defend myself. Yeah. It's not making that list. Yeah, that is nice. Yeah, I think it's a good idea. If somebody finds it, I want to defend myself. Yeah. What is it? Publicly. Yeah.

Like on the grand stage. I think that's a good question to ask a friend in your life. If you could take one thing of mine. Yeah. What would it be? Because, you know, it's always nice to feel like people think that you have things that are worth taking as well. It's like it's a little bit flatter.

Do you want to know what I would take? Of mine? Yeah. Yeah, go. What do you think it's going to be? Is it going to be my dog? No way. I don't need that burden.

Why is that what you want me to take? I thought you might be flipping it around to do something really nice for me. No, no, no, no, no, I was gonna take your van. Oh my van. Yeah, would that be good for you? I think I'd like, I just always wanted to have a, you know, like a people mover like that. Sure, sure, sure. You know what?

I, but after you said it wasn't gonna be the dog, the first thing I thought was I wondering if you wanted the van. Really, that was what you thought? Yeah, yeah. I mean, do you love that banjo? I still have that banjo. I thought it was I wonder if you wanted the van. Really, that was what you thought? I mean, do you still have that banjo? I still have that banjo. Yeah, I haven't played it for a little while. It's a good, just nice banjo, though. Which is, you'd learn the banjo.

I mean, I'd start picking it up, and then I'd learn it enough that you would feel jealous. Yes! And it would take three, four minutes, a maximum. And then I would sort of pick it up every two months, just like that after that. Then a lot of the joy, you know, run a lot of the joy out of the joy. A lot of the jealousy. A lot of the jealousy out of it. And then, that's about all I need. For that, for that, for that. I got what I needed out of this. It's like a little one night stand, but with getting jealousy out of you. Do you think that

if my standard for jealousy was higher, you'd achieve more in life? Yeah. Do you think that if I wouldn't really feel jealous until you'd record a full jazz album, would you sort of, would that push you to greater heights? I just need anything to, I mean, do you think... To push me to any height. Because you know, one time somebody said to me, it's like, oh, you could never learn Alpha Beta Robics,

bumping them, whatever, whoever did it. And then I was like, he's like, that guy is a professional rapper, gift of gab, isn't he? Mm. You know, he's a, I think black delicious might have been the group that he was a part of. Anyway, he's like, you could never do that. And then I was like, oh yeah.

And then I just spent hours in my room. He's just learning. learning, learning, writing down my stuff. Just and then I go, all right. Are you ready? Are you ready? And did you do it in front of this person? I think I might have had to call them because I think they lived in a different city.

Yeah, all right. But do you, and then were you able to do it flawlessly first go for them? I think they live in a different city. Yeah, all right. But, and then were you able to do it flawlessly first go for them? Because when you're in that situation, you want to make sure that you wait long enough that you really got it down. That's true, right? But then as soon as I had it down to any standard,

I would be burning with the urge to show them. Absolutely. To show them up. Yeah. No, I probably didn't wait long enough. Yeah. You know, a side effect of special hours you get to see everybody's genitals. See that is nice. And do you think you could take their genitals? I guess you can.

I don't think you can. Unless it's part of the ball ball system. It's in the ball ball system? Well, that's if that person's just lost their logo. And the organ. Yeah, I wonder if you could take somebody's organ. See, I don't think that's in the ball ball system. Well, that's right. If that person's just lost their logo. And the organ. Yeah, wonder if he could take somebody's organ. See, I don't think that's in the spirit of special hour. I know, but you know what people are like. Unless you push it.

Yeah, unless you encode this. I mean, do you remember what the spirit of Christmas was? I don't even remember. I remember now what it is. It's buying each other something that we told the other person that we want. Something quite functional that's really necessary for the household. Yeah. Like an air fryer. Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, come up with a funny joke on the day. It's not quite a well-formulated joke yet,

but like that like we're taking the opportunity by the kids a bunch of things that they really need. Yeah. Right. And that like, so there's things that we've sort of been holding out on that we probably should have got them like new drink bottles and stuff a while ago, but we're holding it on giving them them until Christmas. Like real cunts.

And then she was, Kelly's joke was like, I'll say he was hungry the other day. So I made a note of that. So I made a note of that. Oh really? Somebody's gotta be getting something for Christmas. We hold out now and feeding him a till. It's like a dense, pumper-nickel bread.

Yeah. Pumper-nickel bread. Pumper-nickel. What a great word. What a great word. I mean, you know the bread is shit. When the fact that its name is that good and we're not eating it all the time, like how bad is a bread have to be to waste, to squander the name, pumper-nickel bread? Of course, yeah. And when, you know, it is not, it's obviously there's no point having such a long name

when you could have used one of the thousands of unused single syllable words. Yes, correct. Clunked. And you know what bread is good. What is it? What is it called? Clunked and everybody's still eating it.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Clunked. is good. What is called clump and everybody's still eating it. A nice clump. Thick sliced clump. Slap that between a couple of slices of clump. Is anything we can do with it? Can I use this as stand-up? Look, I'm just going to put in pump-punnickel. Clunt. Pump-punnickel-clunt? Nickel-slash-clunt.

Look, if this is stand-up, good luck to you. How you'll listen to that Dan Rath album that you recommended. Yeah. From ABC Comedy Presents. ABC Comedy Presents. Everybody listening to this, you can listen to the podcast. ABC Comedy Presents. Look for Dan Rath's, it's a stand-up special.

It's about an hour. Yeah. And I started listening before you'd recommended it. Or maybe after I'd just seen one recommendation from you or heard it. And I got about six minutes in, I was like, no, I can't be doing this, this isn't for me. And then I saw you recommended it again,

and I was like, all right. And I went back, listened again, I loved it. It is so good. And some of those bits are incredible bits. And he takes things and he follows through on bits in a way that I love. Yeah, and some jokes are so strong. Yeah.

And also he is possibly the lowest status of person compared to me. He's just so low-stay. Like, I mean, just to repeat one joke to, like, he goes, oh, I can't meditate in my car anymore because I'm a redhead and everybody thinks I'm trying to gas myself. People keep breaking into my car, trying to namaste or whatever, I don't know, something like that.

But he, yeah, it's completely free. If you go ABC, comedy presents, podcast. Push through the first six minutes if you're not enjoying it. Yeah. Because it gets really good. That bit about the school shootings, that ruining the joke. Oh, unbelievable. You know, and you know, you might think school shootings, that's not a fit topic for comedy.

Well, let me tell you Very fit very very very fit well fit. Yeah, well fit. Oh, hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello All right, we got this podcast has been brought to you by Google Docs and Dan Rath's comedy special Yeah, another of which have brought us any money, but both of which have brought us joy. Joy. Oh, ABC. I mean, ABC Google Docs. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yes. You know what, but Google Docs is where I put my ABCs. Mm-hmm. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career in a rewarding field, with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation.

You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time. Mycomputercareer.edu. What do you think of this toilet that's slaped downwards, sloped downwards, so that you can't sit on it for too long?

Yeah, at work. I mean, look, I don't think it's going to catch on. Do you think it's a real thing? Or do you think it's a thing that is an art? Do you think it's an art?. Do you think it's a real thing? Or do you think it's a thing that is an art? Do you think it's an art? Or do you think it was a real invention? Someone's like, oh, this is what the world needs. A way to make people spend less time on the toilet.

I do think it's a thing that people would do to try to make people spend less time in the toilet. Because there's nothing more I enjoy. I think I enjoy more or more enjoy. Then when I've got a job and I can just go to the toilet and just be there. Yeah, and just look at the company dollar. The company dime.

You know, and get all that important work done. You know, why would you be doing that at home on your time? Mm. That's true. You know, why would you be doing that at home on your time? Mmm. That's true. I deliberately don't shit at home. Yeah. And I'm really uncomfortable a lot of the time. Yeah.

But I'm like, don't worry. This is an investment. I'm saving this up. Why, as you know, I'm three months into unemployment. And that means that I'm three months into not shit. Hahaha. I'm hoping just a little freelance jar will come up soon because I am jam packed.

What would a toilet that made it easier to show you? Tilted backwards. Tilted backwards jam you against the wall. It's a pooping hammock. A pooping hammock. Hello. Yeah. Yeah, okay. So hammock, hammock, you lie down. There's hammock, hello. Yeah, okay. So it's a hammock.

Hammock, you lie down, there's a hole in it. Oh yeah. Now, this is my problem. I think one of the functions of the current toilet system is that when you sit down on it, it does kind of pull the cheeks apart by the nature of sitting and that's happening, which is quite helpful.

But I think lying in a hammock would probably squish them together. Yeah, but what you're not thinking about is about how you're going to be swinging over some like sort of tall soft fibers and like a little mini water park on it. Yeah, okay. There's a mini water park, what do you mean like a wetlands kind of thing? Well, I don't want it to be actual nature. I think it's going to be synthetic fibers. Even like maybe some of those ultra soft kind of rubbery things, they can kind of get toys in these days. You know, and as a brush, you know,

even like that silicone that is used for baking in, but even softer than that. So this is brushing your butt. It's brushing, lightly brushing, and sploshing water. Oh, yeah, okay. And waves. So it's constantly cleaning and washing and cleansing. Constantly.

You're in a constant state of just absolute relaxation. And these things, they are wiping everybody's butt as well. Everyone in the office. I mean, this water is not, it's not like still dank water. It's not like a, you know, what's that called? That stagnant. Stagnant, this isn't stagnant, this is flowing. There is a river system that is now just for toilet rooms.

You know who would have this? Google, you know, like this? Google. Absolutely. Because production went up, productivity went up 9,000%. Exactly. When we introduced the hammock toilet with the synthetic wetlands, sure people spend more time lying down to poop, right? But when they're back at their desks, they work that much harder.

Yeah. I think it's good. I mean, I think this is a sketch, and I think this is a differentiating point for, because these big companies, it's not just about the money. It's mostly about the money. But sometimes you're going to track people with a bean bag, you know? Or a second bean bag. Of course, by imagine a bean bag you can poop into.

Mmm. Oh! I think, I think let's, let's really, let's mock this up. What's in my bean? All we need is like a toilet seat. You know. Right. Yeah. A bean bean? What's in the bean? All we need is like a toilet seat. You know? Right. Yeah.

A bean bag with a hole in it. Yeah. And, you know, that's proof of concept right there. I mean, look, we can iron out the kinks later on. I think, like, I mean, if there was sort of like a, let's say, it's like a, it's like a seat in the bean bag that is kind of like two bananas, right? And you sit, they're sort of in a V shape, both curling upwards like this, right? Okay. Okay. So they're trying to, I think I'm getting it. Okay.

And then you sit on them and those two things, part your butt cheeks a little bit. And that's there's a hole under there. Okay. But when you first get the bean bag, it's empty. Oh, yes, it's an empty cell, a shell. And then you've- So it's not fun to shitted to begin with. Like it has none of the advantages of shitting into a bead bag, usually. They fill it up with animal feces first.

Oh, great. Rabbit droppings basically seem like They fill it up with animal feces first. Right. Great. Rabbit droppings basically seem like what you get inside bean bags. Exactly. Yeah. Kangaroo poop. Mm. I'm kind of stuck like that.

Sometimes sheep seem to have two modes. Sheep can both do the little round pellets. Or they can do full big, sticky man shits. Yeah, great. So they're like that. You'd never walk around much in sheep paddocks? Not that much. They got two modes.

Could it be just a cow shit and that you don't know much about animals? We exclusively had sheep, but yeah, I know, but that's what you think. Okay. I mean, you're right. I shouldn't rule that out. I could be a bigger idiot

than anyone has ever been. That's a live option. It's a cow in sheep's clothing. Why just the wolf? I mean, you know that this sheep's clothing people are buying it somewhere. Really sheep should be called wolves, shouldn't they? Because it's got wool in it. Yeah. And wolves should be called shark of the land. Yeah, a land shark. Yeah. Um, do we write down, oh, you know, the hammock toilet slash bean bag toilet. Bean bag toilet. I mean, that's obviously going to be you know, you know, we know what I've all, you know, what I'm a bit envy yourself. The bum bag. That's what the bum bag should be called.

That's what the bum bag should be. Sheep should be wolf's, bean bag should be bum bags. Bean bag, bum bags, yeah. Yeah, and then we'll transition in Australia. What the Americans might know is a fanny pack we call a bum bag. So we're going to transition over to the fanny pack system. Okay, yeah, great. Really, fanny packs should be tampons,

but you know, that's because we have a different version of fanny over here. That's right, yeah. But we'll transition that as well. Yeah. Meaning the bum bag no longer makes sense, but that's okay. But, I mean, just pooping into an open Fanny Packs would be great too. You're right!

And then walking around with it all day, I imagine that would be very empowering. You know who I'm talking around with a Fanny Packs full of your with it all day. I imagine that would be very empowering Walking around with a fanny pack full of your own shit all day Nobody knows nobody knows, but you know and you have an inkling though But the secret to every every apparently to acting yeah secret acting is that your character has a secret to nobody else know Why is that just acting why not for life? My fanny pack is good. It's a good way to be more believable. Yes exactly. I sometimes Worry that my character the Andy character that I play doesn't well you see compelling in any way untrustworthy that I play. Doesn't, well, you see.

He's in compelling, you see. You see, untrustworthy, maybe. And so if we knew that you had a secret, maybe you would just come across as more believable. People with secrets come across trustworthy. That's mathematics. Are we right? He best out. I'm gonna have a secret.

IRL. IRL secrets. Alistair, let's get our three words from a listener. Wait, I've been trying to say something. No, well I'm not going to allow it. Okay, all right. The last thing I just want to say is I've always been jealous of babies. Being able to do that shit where they just shit up their back.

I think once it'd be great to just do that as an adult. All right. We've got to pause the podcast. Okay. And we're back. After pausing the podcast, recording two different podcasts, having a meeting and eating dinner,

and then chatting to Greg Larsen for a bit, we're back and we're still in the heat of it. Well, absolutely. I never let my head get out of this podcast for a moment, even while I was doing two other podcasts. Including this podcast. Including this one. Including talking to anybody.

All right, so the three words from a listener, Andy, I don't know if you know about this, but on Patreon, people can pay $3. And they can suggest three words. This is news to me. Yeah, and we'll create a sketch based off of that suggestion. It's a dollar a word. It's a dollar a word. I mean, you know, what a value. But you get to support us, an Andy and it's financial problem. You get to support my financial problems. Exactly. Because

look at it this way, if I die, no more financial problems. It's right. If you are keeping me alive by supporting me, you are keeping my financial problems problematic. And we don't know how consciousness arises. So we don't know whether or not my financial problems also have consciousness. Our sentient. Yes. And so they're big and complex enough that they could begin to exhibit sentient behaviour. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, they seem to be trying, you know, they have to seem to have their own interests. And that's all I have.

All right. And today's three words come from listener. Oh no, I didn't write their second name down, his second name. Oh, well that's one of the two most important names. Yeah, no, okay, no, it's I did look I just it was just my handwriting. It's a it's Kristen Gibson. Kristen Gibson. Kristen Gibson. Kristen Gibson. Thank you Kristen Gribson. You know, isn't it interesting that we call the first name,

the first name and we call the last name the second name. Even though there's very often a name in between suggesting that the middle name is actually like only a decimal fraction name, the second name. Even though there's very often a name in between, suggesting that the middle name is actually like only a decimal fraction name, like a 0.5 or something. It was the 1.5 name. Thank you. Isn't that interesting? Isn't that side splittingly interesting? That is, side splittingly interesting.

That is shit all the way up your backly interesting. Now Andy, do you want to try and guess what the words are? Carbon. Andy, the first one's reverse. OK. So, OK. Fun. Reverse?

Yeah. Caravaggio. No, but you're kind of like, you're starting with the right letter. Oh, OK. I have another good. The reverse car. No, the second letter was really wrong.

And I should have explained, you're not even in the right type of letter. I remember this car. No, the second letter was really wrong, and I should have explained, you're not even in the right type of letter. So it's probably a consonant. Yeah. Reverse church. No, it's reverse Christmas, Andy. Yes, well.

Yeah. C-H. Yeah, I understand. When you told me there was a constant following the letter C, I went straight to H. I will say I would have got a shirt from a big bucket of H's. Yeah, now you did it, you did it, Andy. You got a solowater reverse Christmas.

Yeah. Or what was yours? Caravaggio Church. Mm, miracle. Sketch, Andy. The third question. First Christmas sketch. That's the most common third word that we ever get. Hang on, was this the episode where we came up with the thing of getting to take things during the special hour?

Does it say special hour? We already come up with reverse Christmas sketch. We already did it. We did it before we even got to these words. That's very true, Andy. And what could be more reverse Christmas than by coming up with a sketch for the three words before the three words, and therefore giving the person absolutely nothing they wanted or paid for?

You know, this is, I don't know if this is a joke, but, you know, like me and Indiana, we give each other, I guess, gifts for Christmas, but we kind of tell each other what we want, right? But then Indiana really likes it if you also get things that you didn't ask for. Yeah. And so I'm thinking that as a surprise, I could not give her what she asked for. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, I don't have to punch line really ads anything in that case, because I was

already having such a good time. Great. But, yeah, I think that's definitely something. All right, but I think we've still got to come up with it. You know, like anytime somebody says, don't get a gift. That 100% means get a gift. Because what they're really doing when they say, don't get me a gift, they're doubling, they're doubling the gift, right? Because you're expecting, like you've set the expectation to no gift.

So not only do you get the surprise of what's in the gift, You get the surprise of they're being a gift at all. That's a double gift. Double gift, they're lowering, they're increasing the amount of reward from the lack of expectation. And also by telling, saying we're not going to get gifts, they're also giving themselves the gift of not having to get you a gift. So when you get them a gift, they're actually getting three gifts. That is true. But then aren't they also getting like a punishment for then not being prepared and getting you a gift because then they have to fill the guilt. No. The gift of guilt. I'd feel

fine. No, great. I'd love it. Is there a sketch in that? I think we still have to come up with a sketch, even though we've come up with one that matches the description Exactly. Yeah, exactly Reverse Christmas. Well, I mean, you know, that is what we have down here down under because we do things a little bit differently Down in the land of Oz, you know Instead of there being snow on the roof there's uh gravel gravel gravel on the roof there's gravel. Gravel, gravel on the roof.

There's literally, instead of there being a fire outside of the house, inside of the house, there's a fire outside, burning the house down to the ground. This could make a really nice tweet, you can talk about how in Australia, Santa wears shorts, and instead of there being a fire in the house, there's a fire outside of the house

The house is on fire as well And there's a fire inside the house as well because it burned all the way Well, it is kind of like instance snow and fire a kind of opposites, you know, and so we do have Yeah, very very you know very, very different situation. I mean, we could just write Aussie Christmas sketch. Yeah. I mean, it's like it's not the kind of thing that we would normally do.

No, and I think that Andy Donner already did it pretty funny with that song. What is it? It's Christmas time in the land of Osso, have a B of M e. And then use it around the fire. We sit around the fire, but you know, second on he's sitting around a campfire burning, having a beer or something like that. I think Goksi was in it. Yeah, and then there's a bunch of stuff about...

In-Prizzling refugees. In-Prizzling refugees, yeah. Okay. I mean, that's pretty good. I mean, there's, you know, it feels like there's a lot of variations on this, too, but I understand. I tried to write a Christmas song once about how Santa Claus was in detention on Christmas Island, because he'd come here in like a suspected illegal entry vessel. Yeah. And he'd been detained by Border Force. And yeah, but it didn't get very far. It was hard. How could we make that funny?

And then he gives them all gifts. Yeah. Well my idea was that all the children in Australia then would want to get to Christmas Island presumably because it would be the only place where there was Christmas now. It would be on Christmas Island. So all our kids somehow go to see and leaky boats. And so then they go there and then because all their families follow them and then the government decides that they have to move all the refugees to Let's see if a pump or nickel slash clunt That's gonna be a best that's a stand-up bit LL stay

I'll have that as a sketch. No, you're right. Pump her nickel, clunt. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. Reverse Christmas. Let's see. You know, going down there. What if it was like a freaky Friday scenario? Oh, this is good. Well, this is so good. This has never been done with Christmas,

with Santa Claus before. A freaky Friday Santa Claus. Because we've had Tim Allen turning into Santa Claus, but we haven't got to see Santa Claus trapped inside the body of someone else. A 12 year old girl or something like this is a freaky Christmas. Absolutely freaky Christmas. That was a great film.

Great. You've been always looking for a new take on the Christmas story. You just got to take part of the story of another movie. Yes. And then just apply it to Christmas. Well, basically, you can't turn up your nose at a premise. No. When you're trying to work in the overworked

over of Christmas films, you take what you can get. Of course. I mean, I wonder if Lindsay Lohan will be available to play the 12-year-old girl. Yeah, we can definitely get her in this film. But you know, what could, she could play the mom. Right. And that's why the kid needs like, you know,

she's like wishing for something, you know, special. Because her mom's a bit off. A bit off. A bit off. A bit off. She's just a little bit off, you know, she's just kind of... Hey, mom's Lidzilo head. It's like, you know, she's, you know, she's had...

Ugh. It's not that there's anything wrong with Lidzilo, but she's had probably, you know, addiction problems in the past, and that means it's something you live with and control for the rest of your life. Absolutely. And so it's gonna be, it's gonna be a tough one. You know, the real message is gonna be don't get on the junk ever.

Mm-hmm, okay. Right, but in the end, we're gonna have a young girl acting like she's sort of a 300 year old man. You know, eating lots of cookies and stuff like that around that. I'm a dad, people's chip. I think this is fun. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I don't know how it happens.

I mean, maybe Santa Claus just gets struck by lightning or something like that. Would that happen though? What happens when a plane gets struck by lightning? Does it ever happen? Yeah, I think so. Definitely. I think they have. Yeah.

But does it go through the plane and then go still towards the ground? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. But I'm sure planes do get struck by lightning. Wouldn't feel like they do because they're not earthed. But I think they could still be at a different electrical potential to the clouds that are sparking the lightning. So that might mean that they are able to get zapped.

Kill all the bugs on the outside. Yeah, to be good. And to be good when you happen to door later and you're like, oh, nothing. Yes, we. Normally there's lots of live bugs on the outside of the plate when we're led. Pick up a lot of bugs. I can see with that that The if you like you flew up into the air if like I say like you know the ground becomes too unlivable for bugs because it's too Hot down near the hmm Down near the earth so they move up there and then when the plane flies through the airs They just get covered in bugs and so on the windscreen you see it all in the windows. They're all crawling on the lands

It's encroached it. It's just a chance for all crawling all over. The land, it's encrusted. It's just a chance for them to all feast on each other. Amazing if there was just like a bug layer. Hmm. Bug layer just above the clouds. The bug layer. It might be good. Might help us stop climate change.

We got some nice shiny beetles up there. Reflect some of that sunlight. I know, but what if they don't have anywhere to breed on land anymore? Because of all the furt forests of burnt down. Anyway, let's not think about it. The Santa Swap. Santa Swap.

Mm. What about, it's a criss-cringle with Santa. It's interesting. What do you get for the man who gives everything? That's one of the tag ones. Oh, that is good. But freaky fri- fri-. But then we have to pay royalties that the freaky friday people.

I don't think we do. I don't think we do. I don't think they are in the word freaky. I know, but we're also doing the body sport. We're also stealing their concept. Yeah, you're right. But it's with Santa. Yeah, that's true.

I know what's great is that we get to come up with a cool way in which they swap bodies. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. Maybe it could be something like a slug that goes into each other and it's here. Oh, okay. Right. Okay. Same concept as any morphs.

Yeah, except for some reason it swaps your personality. Swaps personalities with another slug. But same concept in that there's slugs. We take it the slug concept. Slugs going in here. There's no little zergs, wouldn't they? Probably. And that guy who was in it was also in road trip.

And that other guy who was in it was also in X-Men. Really? I think so. Michael Fastbesser. You mean X-Men first class? He was like the pyrogye or the ice guiles. No, ice men. Yeah, maybe.

Anyway, do you think we should wrap it? Yeah, we can wrap this up. All right, well let me read through this. Let me read through this. Let me read through this. We can absolutely celebrate Freaky Christmas. Oh yeah. I mean, this is crazy.

We have such a busy year selling all these movies. Two and a think tank, two 15. Only 85 episodes away from 300. We're thinking about doing an episode 300 underwater. We're gonna bring it up a notch. We're gonna be raising money to get by it. We mean the water level in the podcast. We've got carbon footprint of love leads to no love. Everybody realizes that their carbon footprint is hugely increased by. I mean, this is there's people figuring it out, but then it realizes that people realize that their carbon footprint is being raised by being in love. And so they try to lead lives apart from each other.

And always try to save the planet. Yeah. Then we got conscriptception. Yep, and that's where if you put a ball in the ball, then they take the ball. They take the ball, and then at the ball, and then at the ball comes out, and then you take the balls.

And then at one generation of people don't breathe, and this is another one to try and save at a planet. Also, the event where they put the balls out of the ball, that's a ball. That's a big ball. Then we got special hour. Yes. You've heard of special days.

One every 168 hours. 68 hours, which is now how long a day is. Yep. But it's also what we know as a week now. What you know. What you currently know as a week. One Earth week. Yeah.

But anyway, special I was going to be great, and you're going to be nude, and you're going to try, you get to take one thing from a person who's like your Chris Kringle, and you can keep it as much as you can carry in your arms, no pockets. You know what's always fun? Referring to money as earth dollars. You know, never not hilarious.

Yeah, seven of your earth dollars, your earth dollars, but maybe I'll start doing that, I'll mix that up. And I'll say, ah yes, your current day, earth dollars. Yes. Yes. Yes. dollars. I like it. Oh, and then also there's a war on special hour at one point, you know, maybe the left. The loony left. The loony left. They just, oh, we're not okay with people saying.

And taping up each other's butt holes. Oh, we want people to be able to use their butt holes for whatever they want to carry, whatever they want. Anyway, even though it's just this one hour, it's every week. That's insane. Stealing things for each other. It's only an hour. It's not stealing, it's just taking.

You're allowed to. It's not stealing. You're just taking. You're allowed to. You're right. You're doing special hour. It's degifting. And also, we call it degifting. degifting, and also think about, I think it would ease all the tension in the office if everybody saw each other naked for one out. All the tension would be eased.

You know what, tension? Of a a statute what are the dicks look like It's going on with their butts. Yeah, I was so tense. I was so tense Did they have a what's their back like I know I saw it away can go We wouldn't get a good look of everybody because you still got to be a sly. You get a pretty good look when you're typing up their butts. Well, you're going to be pretty focused. I think it's a job. You don't want to be spending the whole hour taping up somebody's butt when you're going to be trying to steal their most valuable possession. You're mostly going to know their perinemes. Anyway, then there's the pumper-nickle slash clunt stand up bit, which is

talking about how pumper-nickle clunt. It's bread that up bit, which is talking about how. I'm a nickel clunt. I'm pretty nickel. It's bread that nobody eats, but which is such a disaster because it's got such a beautiful name. Yeah. And, but also it's like we must be a pretty bad bread if nobody eats it. And then, but then on the other hand, we got this other bread called clunt that everybody loves despite it being called clunt.

I don't know. I don't know if that's a bit. Very nice. There was already a bunch cake, isn't there? Yeah, blunt cakes, what I call it. And then we go hammock toilet or bean bag toilet. You know, this is the remedy to these tilt forward tilting toilets that are there to make you poop faster so you can get back to work so it hurts your legs.

Our businesses can really attract the best candidates, their jobs, you say, you come work here, you can lie down to shit. Yeah, a recliner toilet. Still porcelain, but you're leaning back, it's like you're sitting. It's a lazy boy. No, it's like you're sitting in the space shuttle. You know, like you're sitting in the rocket about to Apollo 13 but you're but in a hole. And there is there is a countdown. And you are wearing a space suit. Ow. What happened?

It's got really bad ear pain. Oh, that's good. Then we got, have a secret. Wait. Oh, yeah. You know how actors have a, you know, the key to being believable is that I just keep a secret. Well, use that in your regular life.

Yeah. Get yourself a good secret. This bum bag is full of shit. Just have pooped in this bum bag. And I'm carrying it around. Nobody knows. They know something's up. They've probably got it, actually.

Yeah, but they don't know for sure. But you've never come across more genuine. But you've never come across more genuine And then we just got freaky Friday Christmas Thanks Kristen. Yes, I think all of you for listening B-B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B-N-O-X, B- Catherine Murphy says at the end of the Australian politics. I think you could be you could do much worse than being like Guardian Journalist Catherine Murphy Well, Murphy Roo Mufferoo on Twitter and

But but we do appreciate it. We do appreciate it and we are on Twitter. I'm at stupid old Andy I'm at alas or tb and we're at two Tank. And we're also on Instagram at Two in Tank. And you can support us on Patreon. If you would like to, if you would like to send in three words, if you would like to get the bonus episodes that we do every month to sci-fi try guys, the, you know, I've got a good story brewing. I've got a good story brewing for sci-fi try guys. I don't want to spoil anything, it's got God in it.

Oh, I got one too. Yeah. Oh, I'm,, it's got God in it. Oh, I got one too. Yeah. Oh, I'm, maybe I'll put God in mine. Yeah, put God in yours. He's a great character. Right? And we also do one when we come up with fire. Oh, no, we're doing teleport.

We're working on teleport in there, which is, like the two teleport characters, they're just talking about teleportation technology. What it offers. What it offers and its possibilities But we're also doing these two comedy festival shows coming up in March and April which tickets are now on sale Give yourself the gift of easing That off your mind knowing that that's a task that you have scratched off the list He hasn't the next year one even have yet, and you've already achieved something.

You're going into 2020, having done things, you know, at a high achiever. You've defied the passage of time. You've already achieved something in a year that is yet to begin. That's right, and so you can. What a way to start. What a way to show your dominance over the year.

You can go to thecomedyfestival.com.au and buy a ticket to Teleport. And if you want also, that's the most important one. But if you want to also, you can get a ticket to Alice, which only were a choice. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that.

Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that.

Do that. Do that. Do that. Do that. Do, enjoy your lives. It's been so lovely. Feel free to review us online if you want. It feels great whenever it happens. Check out ShusherGuided Meditations if you want. Who knows? And we love you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates.

I mean, if you want, it's up to you. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career in a rewarding field, with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus

and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time, mycomputercareer.edu.