Two In The Think Tank - 22 - "PAP THE SUN" - With latecomers HENRY STONE and PAT BURTSCHER

Episode Date: September 23, 2013

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Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. That's alright, I think those levels look alright Do you think we should just go? Yeah, we could just go.

Alright, well then we're in. That was just a sound check. That's why it was a little bit extra long. That's what we do for sound. That's how fucking rocking our sound checks are. A lot of people are... No. We drop a beat.

I dropped a beat. Alright, we did it. We've done two now. Welcome to Two in the Think Tank. All right. We did it. We've done two now. Welcome to Two in the Think Tank. 22 in the Think Tank. 22 in the Think Tank. This is episode 22 of Two in the Think Tank. And boy, is the tank bank getting full.

The tank bank. Man, you guys must be creaming out your mind holes with all the material that we've given you to inspire. Uplift. And pleasure. I forgot what we were talking about. Yeah. Cool.

Just a bit of mind cream. Just a bit of the old, the curds and whey concepts. Just the old conceptual dairy. Dairy, that's right. There's a mind cow. You know, there's cash cows. Inspiration is just a cow and I'm just trying to milk thought out of it. And you've got to milk it three times a day or else it gets minditis, which is an inflammation of the mind from too many ideas coming in.

And then it kind of swells. Swells. And then. Ruptures. It might rupture your mind. Oh, my God. This is the kind of thing that we create here. So thank you for listening.

It's the podcast where we come up with five sketch ideas. And I'll tell you what, there's some great ideas coming for you today. I mean, I don't know what they are yet, but God damn it, I imagine. I can tell from the cow. Yeah. I'm good at judging the cow. I'm great at judging cows. Oh, I judge them mercilessly. I once lifted a cow and I...

Judged it. Yeah, I judged it because it was wearing clothes from Supre. And, you know, I don't like to sort of slut-shame cows. But, you know, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Oh, imagine that, going out there into a paddock and just yelling, Slutter the cow! Yes, slut! So, yeah.

Especially because there's only one man around. So not only does she not get to have a great relationship with many men or just one man, but she also has to... Watch him going around and having his... Yeah, but then also gets judged by me for even the small amount of things. That's just... Cows have it the worst when I'm around.

But I mean, if you do feel like shouting slut at something, maybe just go yell it at a cow. Yeah, or just like, just a pile of rocks. Oh! Yeah. Like, maybe... That's great.

Yeah, maybe there is that. There's, like, that thing that... Like, because it's... It seems really ridiculous that anyone would call anyone a slut and that it would be a bad thing. Like... Right? But maybe there's just a need within humans to just call something a slut.

Because it's a great sounding word. It's fun to say, slut. Yeah. It is. Yeah. And it's great to yell at something, like to really give it a dimension. A direction. A direction.

Turn that thing into a vector. Yeah, turn it into a vector. It doesn't just have a size. It also has a dimension. A direction. A direction and... Turn that thing into a vector. Yeah, turn it into a vector. It doesn't just have a size. It also has a direction. It goes over there. Straight at something. So that pile of rocks. Yeah, slut.

It's hard to just yell it at the universe. Like, it's not the sort of thing where you could shout it from a mountaintop. Although it would be great to just scream it from a car. Like you're just driving. And you're just, not at anybody, but just into the sky, out the window. Slot! The Grand Canyon. Yeah. But that would be the best thing, if you were falling through the Grand Canyon.

Falling? Yeah, because I feel from the edge, it's not as great as just from the middle, like in the hole. As you plummet into the Grand Canyon. Into the Grand Canyon. Possibly from a hot air balloon. Yeah. I mean, you might have to get into a plane, get a parachute, free fall, up until the point where you're actually going into the canyon. Yeah.

Then you're in. As soon as the ground level is above your head, right? Slot! Like that, omnidirectionally. Almost like that. Actually, omnidirection level is above your head. Yeah. Right? Slut! Like that. Omnidirectionally. Almost like that. Actually, omnidirectionally is almost better now. There you go.

Yeah. Maybe that's the problem with slut, is that we're just putting it on people and objects. Don't objectify sluts. Objectify the universe. Yeah. Yeah. Yelling it into a canyon. Yeah. Hearing, yelling it into a canyon. Yeah. Hearing it echo back at

you. Yeah, like maybe underwater, so like really loudly in the middle of the ocean. Like you're just submerged and only like the whale sharks can

hear you. Fantastic. It's a soothing thought It's a, yeah And you're listening to Radio National Soothing thoughts Soothing thoughts Life matters

This is life matters We're talking about yelling slut At the universe At the universe and in open spaces Call us up if you've had any experiences Or if you've ever witnessed Anyone slut-shaming an inanimate object or geographical feature

or the absence of features. A disturbing new trend. Base jumpers have begun to slut-shame the ground they are falling towards. How does the Earth feel about this? How does Mother Nature feel? We've got philosopher James Cameron. James Cameron! And filmmaker. But primarily a philosopher. I don't really like to talk about my films

anymore. I'm a philosopher now and my specialty is... Big ships? Big ships and the slut-shaming of empty space. Yeah, yeah. I built a submersible that was capable of going deeper than any other submarine so that we could get down into the Marianas Trench and yell slut. down into the Marianas Trench and yell slut. At one of the most foreign landscapes you can experience without leaving planet Earth. Some creatures down there have never even seen light. So you can imagine how shocked they were when they heard the word slut.

When man first walked on the moon, one small step for a man, one giant slut. When man first walked on the moon, one small step for a man, one giant slut. Look at this moon. Jesus Christ. That's way further than I thought that was ever going to go. Well, it went to the moon. It went to the moon and to the deepest crevices of the sea.

The only place where this slut hasn't gone is into ourselves. Oh, God. That's the real That's the one unexplored place, the final frontier. And NASA's going there eventually if I'm to refer to

something that we've done in the past. Here's a sketch. Okay. Wow. It's great that you had one. I started just looking at your glasses. Yeah, well, me too. Yeah? Although sometimes I feel like

I just look through my glasses, you know? I don't know what that's like for them. It's like a bad marriage. It is. Yeah. I just look through them. And I very rarely speak to them. Go with your sketch.

I just like the idea of, I think I might have mentioned this once before, about like a people invoicing people a lot. I want to have a sketch where there's like a family where everybody invoices each other in the family. So like the parents are talking and their son, Jonathan. talking and their son, Jonathan.

Dear, did you invoice Jonathan for that school lunch yesterday? I don't know. I just like that sentence. I like the mother. The mother, she's making lunch. She's packing her son's lunch. She packs it up, puts it in the lunchbox. In the lunchbox, and then she... Sticks one of those little plastic sticky things.

Yeah, with an invoice in it. Yeah. And then she goes, you're going to have to pay that within 30 days, honey. Or just like, there's a post-it note on the top of the lunchbox, just having a great day, have a great day at school, invoice enclosed. Yeah. We'll bill you. Yeah. And, no, that's all I had. invoice and closed yeah we'll bill you look yeah and are you having trouble

coming up with the money because we can put you on a payment plan if you're having trouble paying for the school uniform honey you've got quite a few outstanding invoices and we're gonna have to send your uncle around look we've referred it to a collector and look if you've already paid the invoice by this time then please disregard this message but you know you know why we had to let you you know take your sister off the books i really like the idea of a debt collector who just really likes I really like the idea of a debt collector who just really likes debt he's got all these different types of debt at home oh this is a good debt

this one was $20,000 a night that I owe to the Midland Bank everybody's got to have a hobby yeah look this one oh this one's for a boat oh this is my this one I'm particularly proud of. This is my debt to society.

I've committed some crimes when I was very young and I've been holding on to this one. Oh, if you look over here, this is my sleep debt. There you go. Well, that's from my... Of course, that's because of my crimes against humanity. They've kept me up at night and

that's where I've developed this sleep debt. Alice is quite a nice specimen, you'll notice. I think that's really great. I think you could write that down as a sketch, Alice. The debt collector. We've got number one. The debt collector. Debt.

You know, the older it is, obviously, the better it gets, but you've got to keep the debt very much in its original condition. As soon as you start paying off that debt, it loses a lot of its value. As soon as you... Take it out of the packaging. It loses, yes. That's the problem. As soon as it touches money.

Yeah. Yeah, I've bundled all my debt into one easy-to-manage bookshelf room in my basement. Going too deep. It's a gallery. Into one easy-to-manage gallery. I'm a debt collector, so I don't like to handle my documents. I have to handle them with little gloves on, and I use little tweezers to turn the pages. Do you think that...

Look at this one. This is a mortgage that my parents passed on to me. He's got this really valuable debt collection, but then because he owes all this money, the bank has to come around to repossess his debt collection because it's his only asset. They say they're going to take it away from me, which is just a tragedy. I feel like I'm losing two things at once.

Mind you, it'll be a big weight off my mind not to owe all this money. But I've really felt for him. To be honest, this debt was the only friend I had. And, you know what, I'll probably be all right. I'll be all right. I'll probably be all right. It would do me good to move on. Get out of the house.

Maybe start taking control of my finances other than glorifying these pieces of paper in this... That in a sense represent my failure to manage the basic elements of my life. It's sort of strange the way that I glamorised my own financial imprisonment. The way that I've been enslaved. I'm a fucking big weirdo. That's what I am.

I'm a fucking big weirdo. I'm just enslaved to the financial institutions. Look at me. I'm praising them. I've taken some wrong turns in my life. I'll tell you what, the scales have fallen from my eyes. A bit of self-awareness doesn't go astray once in a while. Look at me.

Look at me. I'm a new man. Look at these banks dishing out enlightenment. Cheap at half the price, I'd say. Anyway, back to work. Back to work. Great. Well, good outcome.

This has been a good day. This is really good. This is really good. Oh, no. You never know which way life is going to turn, you know? One day you've got your debt all set up in little plastic folders. Next day, you're debt free. So debt, financial comfortability.

Being financially comfortable is comfortability. Yeah. Being financially comfortable is very important. Uh, yeah. All my, all my cushions, my couch cushions are stuffed with money. I was going to go with cushions as well. I was going to say pillows. Yeah. I think, but I think like, you know how some people like store their money under their mattress, like in a sock or something?

The irony being that the more money you have, the less financially comfortable you would then be. You're going to be. Because there'd be a big lump in the middle of your mattress. Who was that lady who slept on a bunch of mattresses and there was a pea under there? The princess and the pea? I don't know her name. No, well, classic. I hope she's not listening.

She'll be very offended. Well, I mean, you know who's really to blame for that is history. Yeah. So I don't think, look, she could get angry with us. I think that's a real

slight on the mattress industry that that princess was able to feel that pee through that massive stack of mattresses. I think they've been probably trying to live that down for a long time with all their post-eopedic what-have-you. Yeah, memory foam and all that stuff. Memory foam, yeah. Well, the memory foam doesn't forget.

No. I have repressed memory foam. Yeah. forget. No. I have repressed memory foam. Yeah. And apparently somebody slept with it when it was very young and it's blocked it out. When I think of repressed memories, for some reason I see a zip file. Like compressed memory. Oh, you need to get WinRAR to be able to access this phone. Fucking WinRAR. What's with WinRAR? I don't know how WinRAR got such a great popularity. Given that nobody knows how to decompress it.

It's one of those things. I'm like, WinRAR, well, there you go. Might as well give up on this particular... Oh, you just got to download WinRAR. Oh, fuck off. I know, but I just don't understand why... Like, I mean, Zip was fine. Was...

Like, compression, file file compression did almost nothing it really is like you saved 15 kilobytes there you go what are you doing it's like you know that 356 megabyte file yeah well normally it's 358 so you're welcome you're welcome Anyway, spend half an hour downloading an unzip file And you can access that Winrar The only good thing to come out of Winrar Was the meme You are a Winrar

Was that a That was a bit of a 4chan thing What about like Those things where you can You put all your doonas and stuff in a plastic bag and then you suck all the air out with a vacuum cleaner and you put a little lid on. That's the physical version of WinRAR. That's the IRL WinRAR.

IRL WinRAR. It's like when Google brought out the Google phone, like they got into hardware. When WinRAR brought out that vacuum cleaner. Vac sealed bags. Well, yeah, we're getting into the hardware side of compression. To be honest, nobody's taking it seriously when we say you've finished your evaluation period, right? They're just saying close and then they're continuing to use WinRAR, right?

So we had to get into physical, actual bags in order to get people to pay for things. It seems people actually want physical things, and that on the world of the internet, nobody seems to pay for anything. Like the Apple store, right? Apple has an Apple store. Could WinRAR have a WinRAR store? They got the WinRAR store. They got WinRAR, which you download for free, and when the evaluation comes up, you just

click close. They've got those vacuum things. They've got a series of can crushers, which are great. Decompressing a can is difficult. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Corsets. They're big in the, it's a WinRAR corset. It'll make your sort of, your fat files look smaller.

Yeah. I mean. They've got the Ab files look smaller. Yeah. I mean... They've got the Ab Crunch 5000. Yeah. Wait. No, they don't. No, they've also got... They've got...

For submarines, they've got compression and decompression chambers. I mean, once they started working with the military, that's where the money is. Because the military, they'll pay. Whereas commercially, people will only pay a few thousand dollars for products and things like that. But it's the military that you can fool by. They'll spend millions of dollars on things that they shouldn't cost that much. But that's where their tax paper pay your dollars.

So there's a place we could go with things which are like military grade something or other. Like that's the thing that you see, like military grade insect repellent or something like that. You also see like industrial grade. That's quite good.

So can we do something with like industrial grade stuff that shouldn't be industrial grade? Okay, so like industrial grade baby wipes or industrial grade something that isn't a baby, pet food?

Pet wipes? Pet wipes. What else can you wipe? Where are the adult wipes, eh? Why can't I get these baby wipes? I'm a man. Yeah, and I want a wipe. Like, well, there are just moist toilets.

They don't call them wipes. That's true. I mean, maybe they call them wipes. Do they call them moist wipes? Moist wipes. Industrial grade moist wipes. Yeah. Yeah, commercial grade.

Commercial grade. Okay. Baby wipes. Hospital grade. Hospital grade. Okay. Baby wipes. Hospital grade. Hospital grade. Cheese. Grade. Cheese grade?

Oh, industrial grade cheese? Yeah. Oh, hospital grade cheese. I mean, industrial grade cheese could be something that you fed to the people who work in the... It's like this is the perfect formula for getting people to... We've designed our cheese to help people focus and not get distracted. It's a...

It's got meth in it. Is that what meth does? They don't get distracted. Oh, look, when you're on the comedown, I'm sure there's probably... You know, you're distracted by the fact that you want more meth. No, you're really focused on the fact that you want more meth.

Yeah? Well... I think, okay, I think a big, like, warehouse... Yes. Right, that sells products to industry. Yeah. Okay, and they have industrial-grade products. Okay.

But they have products which it is funny to have as industrial-grade. So they start off going through the industrial grade cleaning products. We've got the industrial grade scourers. And then we go into, like, we've got the industrial grade baby wipes and this big, like, really generic-looking box of baby wipes with, like, this really mechanical, like, cutter on them or something. Yeah. Basically, it's just like, you know that little kind of, like,

asshole-looking plastic hole that they have on top of baby wipes? It's still just got one of those tiny little holes. But it's just a giant tub and then there's like a robotic arm pulling them out. One at a time like that. And then you go across and then there's, we've got industrial grade puppies. Yeah, industrial grade aromatic oils. Yeah, we've got industrial grade. Like this huge burner

that's like burning off like evening primrose oil. It's just this incredible. Industrial grade incense. Yeah.

Yeah. It's just. You're like oh it smells really. Soothing in this warehouse. And you keep going and it's industrial grade.

Sort of hacky sex? Yeah, yeah. Industrial grade meditation DVDs. We'll get back to that one. Yeah, can we write this down? Sure. I think we can totally write that down, like industrial grade things that shouldn't be industrial grade.

I mean, that's just comedy right there, isn't it? Okay, now let's write down commercial grade things that shouldn't be commercial grade, and domestic grade things that shouldn't be domestic grade. Domestic grade. Domestic, domestic, domestic grade. Have you ever worked in a factory? Where were you going to go? Ah, nowhere. Have you ever worked in a factory?

Yeah. It was a small one. But I worked in a factory? Where were you going to go? Nowhere. Have you ever worked in a factory? Yeah. It was a small one. But I worked in a factory making circuit boards. I mentioned it on the podcast once before. Oh, really? Making circuit boards. For what? Power protection, like surge protection and stuff.

I was soldering together all these little boxes and stuff. Did you get paid shit? It was okay. It was like $ bucks an hour or something or 17 bucks an hour i don't know it was all right it's just a summer job but then this was weird right this is really weird i did this job for like a month and we had to do this particular part of the process where we put these big electrical components onto the board we put like about seven of them in a row okay and they had these really sort of

flat and wide legs on the electrical components you put them through these slots and then you had to cut all the legs off with your wire cutters individually and then you had to uh solder them all on right and the process of cutting off all these legs um was really complicated like hard like it was hard to do yeah okay and they're all close together it didn't really work very well so after i'd finished this job i went home and i built this device yeah in the workshop um where you could slot you put all the things in at once and then you could slot them slot the board into this device that i'd made yeah and uh pull a lever and it like chopped off all the legs of the components. And then I called up the office and I was like,

hey guys, I built this thing. Would you like to come and see it? Or would you like me to show it to the boss or something? And they were like, oh yeah, all right. So I went down to show it to them. But the boss wasn't there and it was just the foreman of the, of the like the factory. He was like, oh yeah, give us a look.

And then he like took me into the middle of the, the like workshop floor and got everyone to gather around and watch me try and use this thing that I'd built. And it was fucking embarrassing. And I tried to use it and it didn't really work the first go. And I was like, yeah, well, anyway, this was embarrassing. I failed. it and it didn't really work the first go and i was like yeah well anyway this was embarrassing i failed but but like you came in to try and like solve a problem and then and then they were just like oh yeah here we go public humiliation pretty much yeah i was like you made this thing it might make your jobs easier nah nah fuck that fuck that it'll Anyway. Wow. And that's why I never tried anything ever again. Yeah. Well, that's funny since you try all the time. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. So maybe failure is the key to success. Oh, that's, that's, that's a hard thing to sell

on like a self-help DVD though. Yeah. failure the key to success fail your way to the top yeah the seven fuck-ups of highly successful people um who moved my cheese probably me because i'm a loser who moved my cheese is that an actual yeah it's a self-help but what are they who moved my cheese i don know. I think it's all about attitude. I think it's a book that's all about attitude and like, like the idea that, I don't know, I'm hypothesizing from the title. The title. Yeah.

Don't judge a book by its title, guys. How long before, when you start, when you can't find something, how long before you start blaming other people in your mind? I'm pretty aware that it's all my fault. Yeah. Yeah. I'm... I'm... Look, because I think I hate the searching for things process.

I don't think I... The process, the searching process. Yeah. Because nothing enrages me more than not being able to find something I don't think it's like people necessarily but I start that's the only time I'm the angriest at the universe I'm just like because if it's not here right then it could be anywhere anywhere it should be here yeah this is where I looked right and then it's like if it's not here then it could be like in it's just the most anywhere. It should be here. Yeah, this is where I looked, right?

And then it's like, if it's not here, then it could be like, in just the most elaborate of places because then if it's moved from there, it could be like in the folds of clothes

that are hanging up. No, we've clearly given up on any attempt at a system. Yeah. If it's not in the one place we put it, there's no reason for it to be anywhere.

It's like, yeah. And it's always, I find the potato peeler that is hard to find. Yeah? Yeah. Well, that's why I've just started eating just potato with skin on it all the time.

Yeah, which is fine. Yeah. I don't know, why are we removing the skin off of potatoes? Everybody? Yeah. Yeah, that was the thing that I said the other day. But when you're looking for something like that, it feels so basic that if you can't find...

If I can't, like I said, if I can't find the potato peeler, how am I supposed to find peace? Yeah. I'm trying to move forward with my life. I've got other problems. I can't even locate cutlery. This is a big metaphor for just,

God, I'm not going to make any progress in this goddamn life. Yeah. What about, yeah, something like a, just like a, I don't know, someone who would be funny for them to really get angry at their inability to find something. Like, the down-line llama, maybe. Just can't find His wand

His wand? Does he have a wand? They would give him a wand They've got like a magic walking stick or something That he can summon clouds with You're the Dalai Lama? Really? Yeah

Well where's your wand? Where's your wand? Where's your fucking wand? Yeah no you're just an imposter Oh yeah? Well turn me into a frog Yeah, no, you're just an imposter. Oh, yeah? Well, turn me into a frog. Yeah.

If you're really the Dalai Lama. If you're really the incarnation of the Buddha, then I want to see you hover. Yeah. Where's your hoverboard? Sorry, when you said hover, I had a vision of, like, the Dalai Lama as, as like a Harrier jump jet.

The Dalai Lama has vertical takeoff and landing. He's capable of vertical takeoff and landing. The fantastic feature of the Dalai Lama is his ability to take off in a small space. Makes him great for use on aircraft carriers and in... The top of buildings? The top of buildings, yeah. And for rescue operations. It'd be great if they could train the Dalai Lama to be able to find people after buildings have collapsed. If you could train the Dalai Lama.

That's amazing. Okay, there's definitely a sketch in that. Like how they've used dogs to smell out bombs and stuff and locate victims after an incident using the Dalai Lama. He goes in there. First of all, he uses the Holy Spirit to get in there. Yeah, he's very sensitive to people's feelings. And then he can go in there and he can give people peace.

So no matter what situation they're in, he can just go in there and he can put them at ease. Yeah. Okay, sketch. Using the Dalai Lama in search and rescue operations. Absolutely. You'd send him in there tied to a rope. Does he bark when he sees something?

They've attached a camera to him? Yeah. We're able to control the Dalai Lama using this earpiece. Forward. Forward. And he's just like, I feel like I'm tracking down. It's definitely a woman. The important thing is to laugh. Is to laugh.

Because, yeah, he wouldn't get distressed. No. That's the advantage of having a... He's so calm in a crisis. Yeah. And there's no point being a Buddhist monk, the best Buddhist monk, if you're not going to be able to use your calmness. Like, you know, he should be in crisis search and rescue.

He should be in hostage negotiations, you know, talking people off of buildings. He'd be a great guy to have in the war room. Yeah. Because he'd make such rations. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that.

Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. In the UN? You know? Or some of those Croatian parliaments where people are getting there?

Oh, we're going to have to get the Dalai Lama in. But also they'd be teaching him to like, but they'd also have to put him through that course where they teach him to get over obstacles and stuff and walk along a ledge and jump things and swim with dragging someone in his mouth oh is it mean of us to treat the dalo llama as somehow less than a human i don't know but i think in a way that that's that's the their thing is that they they reduce themselves to less than a human because they try to remove all other emotions. There you go. We're not being insensitive. If anything, we're being overly sensitive. It's not that we don't understand the Dalai Lama.

It's that we understand him more than anybody. Yeah, and I don't think that you ever have to worry about bothering the Dalai Lama. That's also a great thing. Yeah. I don't think he's going to tweet at us and say how offended he is. There's no one who's going to be less offended by you sort of using him as some kind of...

Rescue animal. Rescue animal. Like a police dog than the Dalai Lama. If anything, it would bring him great pleasure that he's being put to so many different uses. Fantastic. Yeah, Dalai Lama. He's a good religious figure.

Oh. He's one of the best. One of the top. But it must be so strange. It must be so strange being him. Are we going to have you on as a guest now? Are you guys... That was a really bad entrance.

Okay, we've had some intruders into the podcasting booth. I might just... Pause. Pause the podcast. Okay, everybody. So, a bit of a... We've had some intruders into the house. Yeah, and that's great.

They were apologizing before now, because I think at first they were like, this is a great idea, and then after they did it, they felt like it wasn't a good idea. I thought there would be laughs immediately. I thought that you guys would all drop into a four-person riff sesh.

Yeah. I didn't want to ruin anything. Yeah. You know, so I didn't sell anything. I just walked in. But yeah, it was like the lamest bank robbery. Guys, I don't want to ruin anything, but can I have some money? Let her finish her, let her get her money into her account.

Sorry, are you counting? Yeah. It's a little worse when someone interrupts you when you're counting. Yeah. But look, I think this is good now. This is the best. So we've got Henry Stone and Pat Bircher on the podcast.

Yeah. I haven't brushed my teeth yet. Oh, well, I hope the stink doesn't get through the mic. So maybe that's a point. Maybe you were the original odd couple. So maybe that's a point. Maybe with the original Odd Couple, this guy has brushed his teeth. Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau. Who were the original Odd Couple?

Adam and Eve. Oh! I guess it is odd. Satan and God. Because before then, there was no frame of reference to what a couple should be. Yeah.

There was just God's balls yeah the original couple we're doing the podcast that's not how it fucking works first of all clippings go everywhere second of all i'm good at clipping my nails i keep them contained no you don't you didn't do the first one wasn't contained. That was, look, it's still on my finger. Now I have half a cut nail. Yeah. Transfer that. You just come out of here. These are the choices you've made.

Transfer that cleanliness to your mouth as well and brush your teeth, bro. I wasn't expecting to hijack this podcast. That was pretty much exactly what you were expecting to do. Yeah, I should have said, hey, man, is it cool if I brush my teeth? I'm never expecting to do yeah i should have said hey man is it cool to brush my teeth i'm never expecting to hijack a podcast but i'm always ready to that's why i have my teeth brushes like having a condom in your wallet you know what was great when we were crawling up the stairs i was like what should we do and you didn't have any ideas and now you're telling you're telling the story like I fucked up.

I did have a shit. I did have a shit. I know. But no one was there, so I could say whatever I wanted. I know that. So you guys must have made a plan at the beginning. It was like, all right, Pat's going to be the leader. Henry's going to be the idea coming up. No one was in the leader position.

That was the problem. We were both like, should we do this? Okay, yeah. Yeah, the question was, should we? But should we? That was the problem We were both like Should we do this Okay yeah And now that we Yeah the question was Should we But should we And then we kept asking that

As we were just walking Towards the entrance Yeah like every step Was like Are you sure We should do this That's good Look you know how sensitive

We are to you know The things that we create And so It was great that you guys Were careful about it I like the idea of a Of a hostage of a hijacking

that the person doesn't want to think of as a hijacking. I think that's good. Don't think of this as a hijacking. I didn't think this would be a hijacking. In my mind this was going to be like a team jacking. Like we were just going to seamlessly integrate. I was going to jack you but you're going to jack me.

Why do I have to be the hijacker here I mean we both want different things is this the guy talking to like a like a plane full of people yeah

oh I think maybe he's just talking to the pilots or something he's in the cockpit okay look why do they call it a cockpit anyway

but anyway that's not important that's not important right now but look but maybe maybe like look I'll just hijack

you guys for a while all right and we'll see how it goes yeah and then you guys get to hijack me and then you like you know we'll take turns and it'll be hot it'll be hot and that way we don't have to call the cops and stuff like that we're both doing something wrong but something we kind of want to do. Like, you know, it feels naughty. We're just driving these crowd of people around the skies to different countries and shit like that. It feels naughty.

Yeah, it feels so naughty. How come they don't call them, like, the solo? You know how it's always like, I'm in the Mile High Club solo aviator division. Why don't they just call that hijacking? That's really good. Yeah. Hijacking.

Oh, so do they call it solo aviator division? Well, I've heard one person do that joke. Oh, so people just masturbating. Yeah, people joking. Oh, yeah. They should call it hijacking. Yeah. How's that plane?

Flight you took. Yeah, I hijacked that plane. Hello. Oh, what? You saw? Flight you took. Yeah, I hijacked that plane. Hello! Oh, what? You saw it? No, no, sorry. I'm inventing this new term for when you're masturbating in the sky. It's hijacking. Yeah. Anyway, how are you? Anyway, how are you? Yeah. Because they don't... I tried

jerking off in a plane once. I couldn't do it. Really? Really? Yeah, it was just like I was really horny, you know. I'm on a plane! I'm on a plane! And then I just went to the toilet, I was like, this feels wrong. It felt wrong, really? Well, because you just know there's people waiting right outside the door. You said that like you caught me masturbating in your kitchen.

You're like, oh, really? Then why'd you jack off in my kitchen? in your kitchen. You're like, oh, really? Then why'd you jack off in my kitchen? I'm trying to jack off in your kitchen, but I don't know. It feels wrong.

Really? Oh, okay. No, I just didn't feel safe. I felt, because, like, once I was just taking a shit for too long on a plane, and then someone tried opening the door. Yeah. And I had to push it closed,

because you can just, like, I guess you could just, like, push it, or they got one of the i don't know what happened because i just closed it again yeah and then like the door started to open yeah and i was like what the fuck i'm taking a shit in here you know so that was prior to being like hey man i gotta i gotta you know un unwind. My balls. And so I was just like, really, I was like, if someone pushes this door open, I don't know if I'll stop them. So I had to stop myself. You'd have to stop them with your butt.

Yeah. Depending on your technique. You know what would have been great? This is a slight change of topic, but back to an old topic they were talking about. If they had ever made a movie about Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, but if Adam and Eve had been played by Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau, and they would have been the original odd couple playing the original odd couple.

Yeah, it would have been odd because they were the first couple. Like, this is odd. Isn't this odd? Yeah. There's never been a couple before. Yeah. This feels odd. And because it's a man and a woman, they seem mismatched. But also because they're a man and a man, that's odd.

Imagine it was Adam and Steve. Why is there not... It wasn't Adam and Eve, it was Adam and Steve. Yeah. Babies would have to be born via high-fiving. Oh, high-fiving. Or through God just making more people. Yeah.

Like, why did it, like, why is it better that everybody is, is like incestuous? Yeah, how come he only made two? Why can't he just keep making all of them?

It's actually a really good business model. It's scalable and it's like franchising. It's like Jim's mowing, basically, getting people to reproduce themselves.

But, like, how... I don't understand. If God's a dude and he made a dude first, where did he come up with the idea for a lady? Like, I don't see that connection. I think he probably... One day he probably tucked his dick and balls back between his legs and stood in front of the mirror and said, this works. How did the dude...

Because you can understand vagina because it's like the opposite of a penis. Yeah, but boobs Right But boobs Yeah If anything Men should have Sort of

Like two caverny Ball holes Like sort of Like bowling ball Size Yeah So when we So then

When Penetration When penetrative sex Takes place We're We're porking them But they're porking us With their

Boobs Yeah And then you can have different sized concave bits on your chest. So you're like, no, I got to be with the lady that's got a B cup because I got a B cup. But what's great about boobs is that they're so moldable. Maybe they would like, you could still put big boobs in a small cup, but they would just overflow.

You got some overflow here. Got that side boob overflow. Got to manage it. But I don't know if that's a sketch. Are we writing a sketch? So you don't know what the podcast is? No, I didn't hijack this podcast knowing what it was. Yeah, see, like the 9-11 guys, they hijacked those planes, but they knew how to fly.

You hijack the plane, you don't even know what a plane is. We all know those planes were flown by robots. Sketch idea. Sketch idea. Here we go. Okay, Alan Jones, right? He's got a conspiracy, right? Yeah.

And it turns out to be true. Uh-huh. Okay, so Jones, right? He's got a conspiracy, right? Yeah. And it turns out to be true. Uh-huh. Okay, so what's... It's that the planes were hijacked by robots, but their intention wasn't to crash them. That was a byproduct of them just constantly doing the robot in the cockpit. They were just doing the robot and they got distracted.

And the rest is history. And the reason why they both arrived at the same area in New York City is because they were both doing the robot and they were so proud of themselves. They were going to fly by each other and high-five. I'm sure this will be great when it hits New York. With this podcast? Yeah. I'm just...

I'm sorry. That's not even your cup. I'm getting nervous. You made us feel bad. Why? Well, about offending the people of New York. The good people of New York. And also some of the bad people of New York.

Yeah, like... But you didn't explain to me what the thing was about. Okay, so the podcast is we try and come up with five sketch ideas. Now, we've come up with three sketch ideas so far. Okay. So we need another two sketch ideas before we finish the podcast. How about a sketch where some people are having lighthearted fun and then someone ruins it? Okay, how does he ruin it? Like I just did before.

Okay, well, what kind of lighthearted fun are these people having? They're just making out. Two people are making out. Yeah, they're making out, and then the person who ruins it interrupts, but then doesn't even know what making out is. He goes, hey, I didn't have any plan when I came into your room.

What are you guys doing? I like the idea of two people making out, right? And then, like, you know those people who can always bring down a situation. So two people are making out, and then a guy brings up people starving in Africa or something and ruins the make-out session. I don't know how you can make out like that when there are people starving in Africa or something and ruins the make-out session. I don't know how you can make out like that when there are people starving in Africa. Well, it's essentially what, like,

you know when you're young, I don't know if you ever had a make-out session with a girlfriend. Never. And then a little brother tries to come into the room. No. Or watch. Wow.

I'd watch. Yeah. What? Well, like... I can pull up a pew. Or pull out a pube. Making out with your sister, kid. Watch this shit.

All right? No, you ain't allowed to. I don't care if you crying. Watch. Watch this. All right. Now, look at where my hand's going. Look at the way that a breast goes into the indent in my chest.

Yeah. Try not to think about the children starving in Africa. The important part. Or any grieving people. Yeah, because I do not want you getting a boner. We were talking about, in the kitchen, we were talking about doing the kitchen We were talking about Doing comedy During a burlesque show

Yeah Tell them what you said Henry I said I could never do I couldn't do it Because I Could never do comedy With a boner

And then Pat said Well you don't have to You don't have to watch The burlesque And I said Well I can also Never deny a boner. So that's not a gig I can do.

I couldn't do that to my boner. I couldn't hold out on my boner like that. I think I could do comedy with a boner. Why'd you look at me when you said that? Are you getting a boner right now? No, not yet. I'm too dehydrated. That'd be great.

I think I talk about hydration and penises a lot. No, but they're interlocked. A lot. No, but like they're interlocked. I think I actually have real beliefs that I've never voiced before that being dehydrated really affects the amount of sensitivity and amount of control that you have over your own... Boner? Boner. Say it, boner. No, but I mean it's less likely to get aroused because there's less liquid in your body and then less blood flow in there.

What is it? It's less sensitive. It's like your hydraulics. It's like my hydraulics, guys. Or your guy-draulics. Woo. We did it here. Thank you.

And, yeah, that's all I had to say about that. All right, guys, reset. Come on. Okay. Now that you know right, guys, reset. Come on. Now that you know what your tasks are, let's delegate. Okay, Pat. Premise. Henry.

Henry. Punchline. Punchline. Andy and Alistair will take it and then make you guys look questioningly at us. Okay, so, Pat, you got a premise for us? Okay, so the premise is that there's a farmer, right? Yeah, I like it.

He's got the last cow. Okay. Henry, what's the punchline to this sketch? How does it end? He is also one of those... He's conflicted. Can I not say the punchline, but just, can we just keep going with the premise? He's conflicted because there's the milk industry.

They're coming at him with a lot of money. The beef industry. So they got as much, if not more money. And then the third thing that's toying with him is that he loves this cow. He's the guy who wanted gay marriage to happen because that meant that eventually he'll be able to marry a cow. So he sort of wants to marry the cow. But it's a big, literally it's a big cash cow. Literally it's a big cash cow. Literally, it's a big cash cow. So it's a cow made of money that produces milk and beef.

And so, yeah, he's like, do I sell it for milk, sell it for meat, marry it? What do I do? It's like that, what is it, kill, marry, avoid? Fuck, marry, kill. Fuck, marry, kill, but with a cow. So milk, meat, marry. With a cow. Farmer wants a cow wife. All right.

Now, to sort of sell the meat would be to kill. See, the thing is that you could still milk it and marry it at the same time. Because then, you know, like some couples work together as well as being married, you know? milk it and marry it at the same time. Because then, you know, like, some couples work together as well as being married. You know? But that's very difficult. It's a lot of conflict. But at the same time, if you sell it to the milk company for milk, that's kind of like selling your wife into prostitution

and still being like, I love you. Yeah, that is true. The cow won't like that. But that is, could you not say that as akin to fucking the cow? So that's your, there's the fuck, in the fuck, marry, kill scenario. Yeah. Giving out the milk.

By pimping it out, essentially. Yeah. So he's like fucking the cow. So at least in that scenario, he still gets to fuck the cow. You know? Which he would get to do in the marriage thing. I imagine if he's into that thing and i imagine if the cow gave her consent right yeah but in the beef situation it seems like nobody

wins other than him with like a one-off payment oh but he also he loves the taste of beef oh well okay well that's a false thing is it is but what if one of the twists is that in the movie... What movie? The movie of this guy's life. Oh, the sketch. The sketch. This is real life. No, but, like, because now you know how they can make,

they've made meat in a factory, like they've made meat in a lab. Yeah, in a petri dish. Maybe at one point, like when he's, like, really, you know, the pressure's really built up and everything, he meets a scientist that's eating a hamburger. He's like, where the hell did you get that meat? He's like, I made it in my laboratory. And that changes everything. Does he fall in love with the lab-grown meat?

He makes it into, like, a fleshlight? Yeah. That's his real doll. Yeah. And so then he doesn't need to... Okay, Andy's going to have to get the door. I think that'll be Greg Larson, I'm pretty sure. Greg Larson, I'm pretty sure. Greg Larson, I'm pretty sure.

I might have to leave this podcast. That's cool. Look, you did a really good job here. Thanks. If it is Greg, I'll leave. If it's not, I'll stay. Okay. Well, I guess we'll find out.

Yeah. This is intense. Do we have any ending for this? Yeah, that's the thing. What is the ending? So now that he doesn't need to have sex with the cow. Well, maybe that person gives him a bite of the burger yeah this is great and then I'm so thirsty well do you have anything to

drink and he hands them some like milk yeah it's rice milk right and then so but then and then it's like then the meat industry and the milk industry, he's like, you can go fuck yourselves. I'm fucking this cow. And so he ends up just being in love with the cow. Hey, Greg. I think that's nice. Hey, Greg. Do we want it to have a happy ending?

Yeah, so I guess in the end, like, him and the cow sort of walk into the sunset hand in hand. Some of those endings. Yeah. I think we have to write this down. Okay, yeah. Okay, so it's the last cow. In detail. I think I got inspired because I just saw The Last of the Mohicans.

That's The Last of the Cows. I saw my friend playing The Last of Us, the new video game. What's that? It's a video game. And it's new. But when it refers to us, what are we? Human. So it's like I Am Legend sort of?

Yep. Cool. Just like that. But you know how they always make movies like that where they're like, he's the last guy in the world. And he's about to find out he's not the last guy in the world. Is that what always happens? Yes. No, but in I Am Legend, that's not the last guy in the world. Isn't that what always happens? Yes. No, but in I Am Legend, that's not what happens, is it?

Wait, but is there like... No, he just walks around going, I'm such a fucking legend. Or you should see me on the b-ball court. You should see me in my drift car. Legend. That's exactly what happened. There's no one around to make him, to shame him. And he just does burnouts.

He listens to, like, club anthems. He's got a ministry of sound tattoo. Legend! Okay, we're writing that down. I am legend. The original source material, like when they remade it was Will Smith, it was very different,

but the original... That was like the first draft of the yeah all the time and then I zombies just goes to bra stores and just throws them up in the air. He's like, G-strings! He kills zombies by flicking G-strings in their heads. Chokes them out with a string bikini. I don't know if you can cut off a zombie's hair supply. This legend is really into lingerie. That's a great tagline. This legend is really into lingerie. That's a great tagline.

Bruh. Sorry. So that's five. You just cut it off right now. Five ideas. We cut this off. You know when we were walking home last night? Yeah. Spoiler alert.

We spent time with these guys yeah i had a i we were talking about paps getting papped yeah paparazzis oh yeah and i was thinking about the paparazzi guy who's he's like thinks he's so top shit because he um he's taken photos of what he thinks is like the famous most famous thing in the world but it's not a person it's just like the sun he's like this he's always taking photos of the sun like people like what are you doing he's like i'm the best pop in the world i'm gonna get make so much money per photo from this you know how big the sun is yeah sun's massive idiot i actually think that's a really funny idea. But that's your idea. You can have it, I don't care.

I reckon there's lots of ideas. Forget better things you ever thought of. That's probably true. I think I did. I'm writing them down. Safe to assume. Pap the son. Is that like...

Would you make the pun about it being a star? Or does that make the whole thing lame? I feel like it does, right? Yeah, that hasn't even occurred to him. He's so dumb that puns and shit aren't on his wavelength.

He just is so stupid. He thinks the sun is the biggest celebrity in the world. Got another great shot today. A lot of lens flare. Take some photos of the ground. Because the ground's pretty big as well. Yeah, actually. The ground.

Check this out. Who are your two biggest celebrities? Who's on your worst dress list this year? The ground? Because there's always spew on it Look what I took a photograph of Outside one of the hottest clubs in the city It's the ground

Oh, looks like the sun melted a lollipop on the ground Trouble in paradise Dirty photos of the ground Man, as soon as I get a lens That can capture what the air looks like I'm gonna have the three hottest tickets in town Stars without makeup Look who went out without makeup today

It's the ground Taking photos of willy willies who went out without makeup today. It's the ground. Taking photos of willy-willies because it's a big, you know, it's a big dirty whirlwind. You know, it's like just a wind with dirt, which is a way you can see the air but with dirt on it. Yeah, the air and the ground

are hooking up. Celebrity hooker. Really, really style. General, just regards natural phenomena as amazing paparazzi opportunities. That's all I have. Looks like the sea is going to be mad because the shore has been hooking up with this sweet cold front coming up from the south. The ocean has been smashing the dirt. Tsunamis in town.

All right. All right. What would the sea... You need the celebrity Nickname for the hot Couple Like a Sea Sea air

Sea air Like so We need the Tomcat Equivalent of the ocean And The sea breeze Or something Yeah

Grotion The ground The ocean The ground The ocean Yeah Grotion And like

Yeah so you're in the You're in the workplace And like the person who you just talk to about bullshit but you don't really like they're like did you see what happened

with Groschen and you're like ashamed that you have seen what happened with Groschen it looks like Groschen's relationship is eroding away

I feel like we need to see this though like on the cover of a magazine in the supermarket Groschen steps out But could it just be like a time lapse Photos of like a beach being

Like eroded away by the waves The photos they didn't want you to see Or you know how like the ocean level's rising What about like a story about How the ocean's getting too clingy Taking over Smothering the land there's they release like pictures of cave paintings and they're like look at the ground's hot new tats the ground

trouble in paradise showing showing like big mining holes and going, looks like the ground's got a big mining hole. Were you going to say something about piercings and then you didn't? No. Okay. Maybe that's better though. What about like if a meteorite hits the ground and then that's like it's sort of fling with someone else?

Or domestic violence. Yeah, with space. Space is hitting it. Space. Looks like space hasn't fucking learned its lesson. Like it said it did back to its old tricks. That whole fucking homewrecker space. Oh, and in a shock scandal,

the VMAs have let space perform and its new special, background radiation. All right, guys, I think we should wrap it up. Ooh, wrap this up. Do you want to take us through quickly just the sketches that we've experienced? All right, we've got the guy who collects debt, the debt collector, but eventually comes to his senses. I think it gets repossessed.

His debt gets repossessed to pay off the debt. The debt collection, and then he goes, actually, I'm way better off with it. We've got industrial-grade things that shouldn't be industrial, like baby wipes. And cheese. We got using the Dalai Lama in search and rescue operations.

Training him to go into buildings. Sniff out survivors. Yeah, sniff out survivors and soothe them. We got fuck, kill, Marry, The Last Count. We got I Am Legend, which is more like I Am Legend. Like that,

or more with the accent that you did. I'm afraid of doing it again because I feel like it was running, it was right on the edge of being racist when I first did it.

It's fine. We embrace that stuff here. I Am Such A Legend. Yeah. That is racist. Nah. right on the edge of being racist when i first did it it's fine that's why we we embrace that stuff here i am such a legend yeah that is right yeah get out of here too much of a legend way to stay in character we got pap the sun which is the ground and the sun and uh the guy who thinks that they're the greatest they're the most famous celebrities known to man. So now we have to do a song, guys. We tend to beatbox our way out of the... So you guys ready? Doot.

Doot. Doot. Legend. Legend. Who am? Me am legend. Yeah. Thanks for listening, everybody.

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