Two In The Think Tank - 220 - "WCDONALDS"

Episode Date: February 11, 2020

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Visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. I was rocking at the party and my dick fell off. I was wearing my arm and my dick fell off. I was sipping up a cutty, I'm a dick fella, I'm a dick fella, I'm a dick fella. Hello and welcome to Two of the ThickTech, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alice to George William, Tromblay, Bumblelay.

And you know what we do on this show? We get in, we get out, okay? We do it a day late and we do it quick. Yeah, and we have to do it because we only got a 45 minute winner to come up five sketch ideas 45 minute window Exactly the kind of stuff we don't have time for Is that a sketch idea? No Somebody just normal as anybody else right? Yeah, except for when they say the word when they say the word win them. But when they say the word window, they say, oh, no. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. A health thing. I don't see, does this feature anywhere on the self-care spectrum? I'm seeing a lot of stuff described as self-care recently, you know, go into the movies by yourself. That's the only one, right? That's self-care. No, I know, but you know, just having a having a day to yourself, I guess that's the similar thing. Yeah, you probably, that's probably the day that you'd go to the movies by yourself. Be a perfect day to go to the movies by yourself.

If you're having a idea yourself. Yeah. I'll be knowing it would be the best time to go to the movies by yourself when you're not having a day by yourself. Because then you're in the middle of a day with other people and then you just go off. What about... That's real self-care.

What about self-care? Yeah. Where you just have heaps of money and just pay people to look after you. It's not really self-care because other people are doing the things for you, but it's your money. I mean, you would do all that stuff if you had to. Okay, what about this, Alistair? It's a, no, we've already come up with that as a sketch idea. I was gonna say it's like a high intensity self-care personal training type thing, right? Somebody yells at you.

Somebody yells at you. You know, forces you to, you know, take time for yourself, you know. Of what I do now. Because there's a lot of people depending on you and you gotta get this done, or everything's gonna fall apart. And it's still called self care. Oh yeah, oh yeah.

But maybe the E is backwards or something. Yeah. It's modern. Yeah, or the, or. the S is one of those S's he used to draw in in primary school. The kind of looks like an eight. For some reason I thought S is normal and then E L and F are capital. Oh, so emphasizing the elf. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

It's you taking care of an elf. Oh, great. And you pay someone to yell at you to do it properly. Because otherwise, let's be honest, we don't neglect the elf. Okay, that's nothing. Well, you know, you say that. Self-care. Mm, self. You say that. Self-care. Self.

I mean, it would help with loneliness, if you had an elf. So just think about somebody who's like, roughly, one and a half feet tall, but with their hat, they're about two feet, little pointy hat. They look like a person, but they have a tiny little voice. Hey, near. Oh, my God. I've got marshmallow. You know what I love about this?

I'm stuck in marshmallows. They have the elf. All they ever want to do is hang out. They're happy to be left alone. You can put them in a drawer or a cupboard. But then as soon as you open the drawer or a cupboard, they see you. They're like, what's hang out? Yeah, always happy to see you. Yeah. And then you can ignore them., they're like, what's hanging out? Yeah, always happy to see you. Yeah, and then you can ignore them. And they're a great listener.

Mm, you know? Okay. Yeah. Oh yeah, that sounds hard. Yeah. And then my boss keeps putting pressure on me. Oh, not good. Sounds like a jerk.

Yeah. You don't pay you enough. You got to be candy. They only tell you what you pay you enough. You got any candy. Natalie tell you what you want to hear and they ask for candy. And they they face when they get the candy, they don't need it. They just put it in their pocket and they'd ask for more candy. And they just and they enabled you candy because that way they can get more candy. But where does it go? Where does the candy go? That's what we want it, but we never know.

What are the features of having what are these elves? Yeah. Is that it, so this is elf care? This is a separate thing. Self care. Yeah, all right, elf care. Cause it's the, it's the, it's the small S big ELF. And it's the elf that's caring for you really.

In a way, it's, well, you're taking care of the elf, but at the same time, the elf that's caring for you really in a way it's well You're taking care of the elf but at the same time the elf is really helping you But I think one of the key features of the elf Alice there is that it can be neglected Yeah, so you don't like it that it's not a high maintenance elf. No, no It's toilet trained or or doesn't poop. It just keeps the candy in its pocket Yeah, and it eats that quietly when you put it back in the cupboard or whatever. The only thing you gotta put up with, the only difficult part is that when you put them away, there's always just a little background sound of like... And if you can put up with that? Oh, it're so good. It's just going for the worst.

This is my favorite sketch I've ever come up with. The other problem with the elf is that you're never able to fully get rid of the niggling feeling that one day it will kill you. It definitely won't. It definitely kill you. It definitely won't. It definitely won't. It definitely won't. It's not in their nature, right? No, but it's too nice.

It's too nice and it's always in your house, like just the feeling that it will kill you. Just because you do neglect it. Yeah, yeah, it would be well within its rights. Yeah, but as long as you put it in that drawer with enough candy, it can stay there forever. And then if not, then it dries out. It just gets wrinkly. It can't die. It can't die. It just can get more wrinkly. It becomes totally dehydrated. It's like one of those tardigrades on the moon. Yeah. And then it becomes sort of, it's all the liquid in its body turns into a kind of a

crystalline form. Yeah, and then it'll just subsist until you like warm it up or throw water on it or give it some candy instead of having water like you know like the human bodies elves thrive on sugar sugar Liquid sugar. Yeah, they just have liquid sugar coursing through their liquid sugar veins Liquid sugar. Yeah, they just have liquid sugar coursing through their liquid sugar veins. And then when they go crystalline, it's because it's just the sugar going crystalline. It's like old honey. Very good. Has anyone made a movie called Old Honey? And what would it be? Because it's your one we called young honey. Yeah, yeah. But old honey, I do like that.

Maybe Rob Schneider could make it. Rob Schneider makes old honey. Rob Schneider is dating of elderly woman for her money. Oh, I mean, absolutely. Absolutely he would do this. Like in the European, or just the Jiglo series, not even not specifically European. The male Jiglo series. Male Jiglo series.

Is he does date old women like that's one of the sort of jokes in that. I'm not sure. There's a one who's really tall and then people keep yelling, that's a huge bitch like that. Yeah. And then there might be one who's overweight. Yeah, okay. So what we're letting us at this movie will stand up to scrutiny And I imagine in that this got to be a very old person. Let's remake juice people Work And everything's PC in that there's got to be a very old person. Let's remake Juice Peekloat, Juice Peekloat,

Work Chickloat. And everything's PC. Wow. And we just explore it, explore some of the very real issues around sex work. And we, I don't know anything else and he's just really nice to everybody. Yeah, and but the the humor comes from the The loving interactions between them. He actually serves you know what which is a very valid He serves a very he serves a very useful purpose in this society Helps people who are lonely. He takes sort of the role of let's say One that you would normally see at a elf doing. Or a god. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I religion in which you all go along on a Sunday and the priest wax you off. So that already was the case for some people. Oh yeah, so so. Yeah, okay, oh my God. Oh, I've just invented sexual abuse in the church. But he wax off people who wanted it.

I guess, but I mean, have they just been indoctrinated to want it? Yeah. I don't think there's any way for me to feel good about this anymore. You know, whatever. Well, to begin with. We can change it. What about its McDonald's?

Yeah. Okay. Okay. And it's Ronald McDonald's? I think it would be only fair. It's just part of the service. It's not, they don't even say whack you off. It's a muck.

I mean, a muck whack off is, it sounds like something. I mean, is it wrong to invent a kind of burger that's hollow, like has a hole in the middle that you can have sex with, right? Because it feels like it's probably sort of the warmth and the texture. It's probably a bit too hot actually. Too hot. And maybe the lettuce is weird, you know, this sort of. Maybe not though. Maybe you're right. Maybe that's all you've ever wanted.

I'm not sure. What about this though? Why is it so much, Ellis? Yeah. What if? I mean not sure. What about this though? Thank you. Thank you so much, Elisabeth. Yeah. What if? I mean, look, I could imagine a burger that you have sex with being maybe the most horrible product to have ever been invented.

So what do you say? What do you say? You like the idea? I mean, I don't know why. What does that mean? What does that mean in the context of this show? I mean, suddenly it really grew on me, but I want it, but only because of how awful an idea, it would be for a genuine food place to make the breakfast. But okay, Alistair, it's done in such a way with the wrapping and that sort of thing that like you never actually contact,

make contact with the burger and the burger is fine afterwards. So you can still eat it. It won't be fine. No, it won't. But I think at this state, if you're really wanting to have sex with that burger, you're having to buy two burgers. Even if you're wearing a condom.

The condom is lubricated with barbecue sauce. Even if you're wearing sort of like, it's, it's a little, it's a condom, but there comes in like one of those wet towel that has. Haven't we hit on something interesting? Haven't we discovered something interesting about people and the way they treat the things that they have sex with and the way in which

that defalues and, you know, I think that, I think we're learning, like I think you should, if you're gonna have sex with something, you should be able to respect it enough afterwards to be able to treat it exactly the same way you did before. So if you don't have the burger that you just had sex with, that's on you. So do you think this burger chain is doing this as

like a sort of a, a maybe, a little aggression, maybe, statement. Yes. Yes. And I think we're all, you know, growing in some way. Because in a way, it can be both feminist and really sort of show vanistic males have place, you know, because it's like We're a feminist place to let that let's guys have sex with the burger. I don't know if they I guess the cubicles are kind of yeah I guess they I get this out of this if you eat the burger afterwards. It's free Now the problem here is that we sort of have to watch you The problem here is that we sort of have to watch you. Hopefully you don't get a ticket, you know, taking picking up the pieces off the ground and just put stuffing them in your pockets to empty them out later.

I'm sorry about all of this. No, I mean, it's interesting. And we've had some fun. And I'm going to write it down because we only have 45 minutes today. Right. Well, we've already come up with four sketch ideas and we're 13 minutes in Alistair. I'm feeling good.

This is what happens when you care. I mean, to be honest, maybe this is what we need. Maybe the podcast is gonna be short from now on. Maybe we only have 20 minutes. Think about that. Oh yeah, I hadn't thought about that. We only have 20 minutes. And left to live?

Yeah. Something like that. I think maybe initially when I was trying to divert away from the idea of having sex with a burger, which by the way, now those really tall burgers would make even more sense. Now, because those tall burgers that you can't get your mouth around, but you could really enjoy it anyway.

Okay. I also want there to be a way for a woman to have sex with a burger in this, in this place. Of course, that's all I want. That's all I want. That's it. And I think what really? The joy that I'm getting from having sex with this burger is knowing that there's a way in which a woman can have sex with this burger. knowing that there's a way in which a woman could have sex at this burger. But now, I'm saying, I mean, what you've revealed here is that you only believe that sex is penetrative. Well, no, I'm saying that the whole in the thing, I mean, look, I'm crumbling.

But, but I don't, I still feel like there's going to be something amazing that I managed to make you be look like the bad guy out of this scenario. I mean, decision bring it brought that up at the end of the day. I was like, thank God. We can't stop the landing on this one. Yeah, I was just because I was like, oh, look, I don't know enough about non-penetrative sex. You know, I have some ideas and, you know, and some experience. And some theories.

And some theories. But I'm not informed enough that I want to just go deep into it, which you don't do in these other in these types of sex. Well, I assume. I assume. Anyway, I'd like to apologize. My idea was just going to be as a sort of like a fix, a pave over of your idea initially. I was going to suggest what if it was like a place like McDonald's instead of, they

don't have sex with a burger, but they have a little booth. They realize they just stumble across this place where it's just a headset and It's it kind of has electrodes in it and it stimulates your brain in such a way that it gives you an orgasm Mm-hmm And so as well as the sort of self-service screens that they have in there now They also have just these sort of Ten headsets along the wall that you can sort of just put on and you can just sort of decide on the size of the organ So that you want sort of just put on and you can just sort of decide on the size of the organ that's what you want. Big is all what isn't so precise. Yeah, the big one. Yeah,

I mean, are you still eating a burger or is it or is it exclusively for going in there sitting in a little booth and having a whole booth? That booth is kind of like the Mccafe. It's sort of a separate part, even though it's the part. Yeah, really interesting. Yeah, it's sort of like a McAfee, but it's, I don't know what they would call it, McCumay. No, hopefully not that. Yeah, I was thinking that like this whole new angle could be called like Wackdonalds or something like that. And then you just turn the, all the M's upside down.

And barely even have to do any rebranding. Yeah, and is it MAC or do they do MC? I don't know. Right. And I don't even, I can never remember what McDonald's is called if it's MC or MAC because the big Mac is MAC. But the company is M-C? I think so.

And I think this would be a great, you know, I'm always looking for a little April Fools prank that they can, that corporations can do. Corporations, they love an April Fools. Mm-hmm. Okay, and I thought one of the ones they could do is that McDonald's, every store, have I already said this on the podcast, every store, everywhere in the world, just one day, they all organized to change it to McDonald's, M-A-C.

Right? And then they, because it's all digital signs and stuff now anyway, right? So they could do it. They could do it. They could be real easy. They'd be real easy to do. Because it's all digital. Right?

And then the next morning they're like, what, now it's always been this. And they just pretend. I see that would actually be a really good trick. It's a good trick. Yeah, that would be a good trick, but it wouldn't be that easy. No.

Okay. But I still think that the fact that it's not as easy means that they should do it. Nice it was long. Yeah. Yeah. Really worthwhile for the millions and millions of dollars that could have been spent on something really worthwhile. Well, I mean, all you need is one person to go up and do the thing at each store.

And that may be the franchisee. For the amount of advertising they would get for this huge prank on the world. They could even just move the A from the end of McDonald's. They just move that A across, right? And then it could be McDonald's. McDonald's. No, it's always paid that. And that would be what's that called?

Aiprofalse. I know, but that thing where everybody thought that Nelson Mandela had already died. Oh, the Mandela effect. Mandela effect. That could be one of those that you're forcing one of those. Why not? Why not at this stage? Come on. Let's just start pranking. Just global pranks. Global pranks. Has the UN ever done a prank? Has the UN ever got involved in... In prank sales? In April fourths.

Oh, we actually, we are, we're putting sanctions on... Um... Antarctica. Antarctica. See, that's exactly the kind of shit they would do. Harmless like that. They wouldn't dare go for something sort of nice and edgy. Like actually we're taking away India's right to be a country.

Yeah. Yeah. And we're splitting it up into Pakistan and Bangladesh. Where I'm calling Zaya Rhodesia again. Oh. Oh, no. It's edgy. It's edgy. It is edgy. It is edgy.

It's the edgy you in. Oh my God. Yeah. All right. They've got all these divisions, Alistair. Yeah. Environment, health, education. Where's the comedy?

Where's the prank, edgy prank comedy? See, now then the wing of the UN. We would potentially be able to get in there then. Because at the moment, there's almost no hope for us to get into the UN. Maybe as a special ambassador like Angelina Jolie. Like Angelina Jolie, in that will be a special ambassador. And in no other way like Angelina Jolie, the person who be a special ambassador, and in no other way like Adjolini Jolie,

the person who is the most different to both of us in the world. Well, yeah, she works in the arts. You know what, you have a lot in common. She probably has to come up with ideas sometimes. I wonder, well, she has five kids. She has to come up with like games and stuff. She's probably always doing silly songs.

Yeah, well, a lot of them are probably getting old quite now, quite now, quite now, quite now. Hi, icons. It's Danny Pellegrino from the Pop Culture Podcast, everything iconic and I love Nordstrom. No place better to shop particularly during the holiday season because they have everything. They have holiday decor at Nordstrom. They have cozy cardigans from Barefoot Dreams, my fav. They have cold weather attire, party attire, plus free shipping and free returns. Free store pickup. You can also purchase a recycled fabric gift bag so your item arrives festive and wrapped.

So check out Nordstrom this holiday season, a one-stop shop. You can explore more at Nordstrom in store or online at nordstrom.com. Quite down. The F-U-N. The funny U-N. Oh, yeah. But it would stand for funny U-N. Yes. Yeah, right. Have you written this down? Funny U-N? That's a sketch, Alice. Funny U-N. Yeah, right. Have you written this down? Funny UN? That's a sketch, Alice. Funny UN. Yeah. Whatever the prank version of UNESCO is. Because UNESCO is a different thing.

The United Nations, education, scientific and something or other organization. The funnets go. Yeah. They go to war-ravidged countries, etc. Whatever it is. Because after the, you know, your basic needs have been taken care of on your hierarchy of needs, I must say, where does having a bit of a giggle come in?

That's right. You know, laughing at yourself. Yeah, it's right after self-actualization. Yeah. So once you get to that, once we've... It probably is like very close to the top, because if you can afford to mock how extremely a point, I don't know, Gallowas humor is sort of a thing

for everybody at every level of... Yeah, yeah, but you know, but who better to mock the scenario that they're in? Like let's say some... The outside. The outside is coming in and going, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, I assume that that's what the comedy would be. That's what it is.

Pointing and laughing. Pointing and laughing. People love that. They love to have a laugh at themselves. And if they can't do that, they love to have somebody else laugh at them. At them. Volunteering. Yeah.

You know. So then with the McDonald's, like that, the booth, it would just be a WC, Donald's. Yep. Is that a sketch? What do you mean? Just the WC bit? Well, no, it's the part where you put the headset on. And then you just get to have orgasms. Absolutely, that's a sketch. Yes, yes. No, all different

sorts that we can come up with that are hilarious variations on the existing McDonald's menu. various variations on the existing McDonald's menu to match all the different types of orgasms that there are in the world. That's right. The glorious vista. I guess you would call this sort of the big orgasm, the big Mac, or the quarter pounder. That's relative to how much semen you know you're going to let out no Yeah, anyway, let's Should we keep just looking for more sketch ideas? I know it was a really funny thing that click hold did what that thing but they did that

Bold up you can't wait any McDonald's you can ask ready Bill that's a secret menu. You would make it seem like it's gonna be a completely new item, but then they would say that was chicken McNuggets, balls up, they would just mash, you know, 10 nuggets together. Ah, to a ball. God, there it is. Those guys are funny. Yeah. Tell you what, bought by Kant against humanity.

Really? Clickhole, bought by Kant against humanity. Really? Click hold, bought by Kant against humanity, unless that was one of the hilarious jokes. That they do, they love a hilarious joke. Yeah. I think they did once, they did a super ballad where they just kind of wasted the ad. Love that.

Love to waste money as a joke. Yeah. I've been good to spend that money on helping somebody. Everyone, everyone's way too fucking obsessed with Super Bowl ads. Yeah. It's real, it's not healthy. It's not healthy for society.

They've like, everyone covers it like it's news. Yeah. And that's the like, that's the ad really, isn't it? Like that's the value of it. Getting it like that, not that it'll be seen by everyone watching Super Bowl, but that it'll become this thing of like, well, look at this amazing, inspiring hilarious thing that they paid really famous actors to do for this wealthy company. And we're all like, very good. That's good. That was a huge. Very good. I'll spend half an hour watching these.

And have you? Yes. Yeah, I have. Yeah. But I did it at work. Ah, good. Good. Shit non-company time.

Yeah. Shitting in your mind. Mm. That's how I'm, you know, watching Superwalk commercials. How much should we go to three words from last time? Yes, we can, Alistair. This is a speed episode, speed round. Speed round. Bye, boy, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo Today's listener is an old friend of the show. Old friend.

Old friend. Tabatha Post. Tabatha. You know what I want? I want somebody to clip out every time that in every show. Patrick Stewart has said, old friend. And then just pump it directly into my neck vein. He says it in X-Men and he says it in the new Star Trek Picard series and I feel like

he's probably said it in every other thing he's been in. Hello, old friend. Old friend. But you like hearing it? It sounds so nice. Yeah. Sounds so nice. Well, maybe one day I'll be able to say it to you. Oh, be good. And I'll work on my Patrick's shirt. Yeah. Be good. Old friend. So he's dead, but he doesn't sound weak. He sounds strong in his age. Patrick, I know the other one there. McEwen McEwen McEwen McEwen McEwen McEwen McEwen McEwen other one there McEwen you and McEllen yeah, you wouldn't McGregor

He had McEwen McGregor No wait, you none shall I think it's you shall know pass anyway, it doesn't matter I think it's you shall pass. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Hi, Tabitha. Your three words, as you know, Tabitha and the other listeners and Andy. As everybody knows. The three words for today,

from our listener, Tabitha Post, are fortune. Mm. Fibres the. Escapade. Ah. Tattoo. Fortune espede. Tattoo. Fortune Escapede.

Tattoo. I've seen a lot of people doing, like, doing sort of joke tattoos recently. Yeah. And it's the most, it's probably the bravest thing I can imagine. Sort of like the mustache on the finger. Well, didn't Tom Walker get one before the Barry Awards that said Barry winner 2019 or something? 2018 or something like that? I mean, it would have even been braver if he'd got it saying the year before when he wasn't even nominated.

I mean, sorry, Tom. You're very funny and very brave, very, very silly. You're doing a good bit, but imagine if you'd got it, Barry winner 2003. Yeah, that's right. Now, you know, you definitely didn't win. But nobody remembers who won. No, so maybe you did.

Very good, Tom. Oh, friend. Oh, friend. That's not bad, that's quite close. Oh, friend. A friend. A friend. That's not bad. That's quite close. A friend. Yeah. I've got 80 years to work on this. Not 80 years, 20 years.

20 years. 20 years. Oh god, that's right. I forgot I wasn't a newborn baby. Oh. Um. Um. Fortune.

That can be large amounts of money, but it can also be. Can I just pitch something else, sorry, I must have. Before I get it, that's okay. I don't think we appreciate, or we teach children early enough that it's all slipping away, that they're racing towards death at exactly the same rate as everybody else.

And I think that needs to be something that we cover in preschool, sort of, you know, basically as soon as they can grasp anything, they need to know that this is temporary. I feel like my son already knows. Yeah. I've had to explain that we all die at least twice after he's asked, and he's only four.

My mind drifted the other day, and I was just sort of staring sort of just past my son, who is three, and he said, Daddy, what are you thinking about? And I was like, oh no. I can't tell you that I'm just contemplating. Like darkness and mortality and all that sort of thing. He shouldn't be able to ask those kinds of questions. He shouldn't know I have an internal, you know?

He knows you've got an internal voice. He knows I've got an internal. Yeah. Anyway, do you think that teaching the very young about the tragic impermanence of all things? We think in a kindergarten context, with colored blocks and little songs and that sort of thing, the Wiggles type thing, and we just get them aware of it early. I'm interested. Not interested enough to write it. No, no, I'm going to of it early. I'm interested. Great.

Not interested enough to write it. No, no, I'm gonna write it down. Yes! Yes! And so what is the sketch though? Is it just? It's a kindergarten program that we profile like it's a school, you know, that they're doing things differently.

It's kind of like a stiner, right? But for death. It's an RL stiner. Yes! Come on, Alistair. You won't pay attention, but that's my favorite joke I've ever made. No, it's not. I mean, look, it's great that you mix the horror, the horror kids horror guy with the schooling guy. But that is your most favorite current joke that you've made. It's not as good as fundraiser.

Wow. Alistair has this thing that he does. See, nose, one of my big weaknesses is my litany of almost constant failure and crippling regret. And, and I did do, I did, there was a bit where I did once try and make a, do a stand-up routine early in my stand-up career, although not early enough to make it really defensible, where I talked about fundraising and fundraising and how that's where it originated from and I won't go into any more

detail about it. But suffice to say when I came up with the idea for the bit, I was so sure this was going to change comedy. And I realized so quickly and completely how wrong I was, the minute I started doing the bit. I think it's because most of us, including me, still to this point, don't know what drains us. Yeah, well, it's because it's not a thing. It's not a thing. None of it was a thing. But so, grazing isn't something? Alastair.

I mean, I can talk to you about this off the podcast. No, but maybe we've only got 30 seconds to finish this. Do we have 30 seconds? No, no, we've got more time. But not long, not long, not long. And we still haven't come up with a sketch for this. So we can't be talking about that. But just tell me what,

I'll do a separate podcast. I'll do a separate podcast. It's in the bit that I was doing, I talked about a drape being a type of cart towed by a horse or an oxen, right? And grazing, being towing these around the town, it, Alistair it Alistair. Alistair.

And that would be fun. Don't worry about it. There was a lot more. There was a lot more to the bit. But each thing that I add to it only makes it worse. We should record that bit for Patreon, or on Exclusive. It's a special episodes. Or when we talk about it.

We now have a YouTube account because do you have a worst early joke? Because I put, make the engineers for the little snippet of magma that's now on YouTube. Right. Which is part of a promo for our new series, or our new show that's coming at the Comedy Festival this year, Teleport. Teleport, which is part of a promo for our new series or our new show that's coming

at the Comedy Festival this year Teleport. Teleport, which tickets are available at the Comedy Festival website now. And they're selling fast. They're selling fast, so fast that we have to keep promoting it. And so the tickets for my show, Alice and Trumbly Virtual couldn't be more thrilled with everything. And I hear that you can buy tickets for that now as well. And thank you to those who have. I hear that too. Mm-hmm. Take a search out link slow.

Take a search out link slow. Honestly, it's glicy. Very slow. But I have the same marketing campaign for both shows. Interesting. Okay. And that's, you know, double blind test. Fortune, escapade tattoo. So fortune, it can be money tattoo. Could be of money.

Escapade could be a thing where you're escaping from something. What about you have a deep imprint of gold coins on your arms and chest and face, the indentations like from when you wake up in the morning from sleeping in your pillow, because you found a gold chest, a chest full of gold, but you fell into it and it locked. Now you're stuck inside of it. Yeah, stuck in there. Yeah, okay. And the real treasure in that case is everything that's outside

the chest, isn't it? I mean, we're really learning that we thought we wanted what was inside the chest, but now that we're stuck inside the chest, all we really want is freedom. Is what we already had. What we already had, which was not being in there. Yeah. I mean, that's interesting because often, you know, this could just be a new shape of story, right? A lot of the time you find, you go on a journey on Escapade to get the gold chest, fill the gold, fill the gold. But now you walk out the door, right, or you walk out of your bedroom and there in the hallway is an open pirates chest of gold coins. You don't know why, but you go and try and run your fingers

through it and you're like, oh my God, this gold. You sort of try to indent the gold with your fingernail and it does. I tell you go, this is real gold. Or it's made from like cesium or something like that. Cesium, yeah. Is that a type of pizza? Yeah. Can I a type of pizza? Yeah.

Can I pitch a little thing? Yeah. You go searching for treasure. You've got a treasure map. Yeah. You go to some island, long journey, friends, mutinies, etc., etc. Daring do. Daring do. All right, you get to the island, you track across the island, you dig, dig, dig, dig down under the spot beneath the sculpture of the crested skull. And then, what do you find there? You find a chest, right? A treasure chest. But it's upside down. The bottom of the chest is open. There's nothing in the chest, right?

The chest is empty and looking through the bottom of the chest, you can see the lid of the chest. And you realize that you are inside the chest because the whole world is inside the chest. Because the whole world is inside the chest. If you open that lid, that will take you through to somewhere else. So everything that exists is inside the chest, you're under the lid. If you open the lid, that'll be a portal through to some other world.

But what does this tell you? The world is the gift. The world is the treasure. And what you? Right? The world is the gift. The world is the treasure. Right? And what you found is the way out of the treasure. Now, do you open the lid and go through into a world that hypothetically could be considerably worse than what you're experiencing right now because this is the treasure. The world is the treasure. Or do you open it anyway to find out what the real world is? It's kind of like a pirate version of the Matrix. I think that's a fun idea.

It's a little bit like a bit of tape in. Something that we came up with once, which was like the real treasure is getting to go on this adventure together, or getting to spend this time together or something like that, the pirate standing around talking about this. But this is a little bit more philosophical, a little bit more. Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, I'm saying dolphins would get it.

I could write that as one of our sci-fi try-guy's notes. Yeah, well, you know, I actually think that I could write the other one where you fall into a chest. Oh, okay, right, great. We'll both write. No, but I'm not gonna write it as a sci-fi. I think I might do that one as a shusher

because it fall into the chest and you find a map to get out of the chest. To get out, yeah, okay, very, very good. And what you want is you realize this material wealth means nothing to you. Nothing. And what you want is to just go somewhere and do nothing.

That's all you want. And do nothing again. And maybe you get some of that treasure. It takes a treasure with you. It takes a treasure. So that your life is really, really. Yes, that's like you really learn something. Alistair, I don't think we have time

to read through the sketches unless you do it super quickly. Blaze through those babies, okay? All right, one second. Guy who's normal, but says, Windoo! I can't believe you're right there. I think that was, that's the funniest thing we've come up with today.

It is not the case. I think that's a, there's a, our old today. It is not the case. I think that there's a little... Our alsona school is a way better than that. Self-care, and this is a little elf that you can get. And just talks to you. And just talks to you, it's really nice. You really have good life. You've got juice bigelow, woke jiggle up.

We're just, we're rebooting juice bigelow, but we're making them appropriate for the current times. Approves. Feminist burger place where you have sex with the burger. It's feminist. I love it. You put feminist at the top of that just so that it can justifiable. We didn't actually describe that at all,

but you put the words feminist because it's in plot. It's because of the lesson that you learned. Oh, I forgot that you learned a lesson. And you get the burger for free if you don't, if you eat it. This place is not gonna make any money. Okay, funny UN fun. What Waktonel's orgasm headset explaining kinder kids that death is hurtling towards them pirate matrix and fall into a chest and you have to get out to get. Thank you. Boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, Review us, you can subscribe to our Patreon, that helps it endlessly. And we love you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites.

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