Two In The Think Tank - 222 - "BULK CRIME DISCOUNT"

Episode Date: February 24, 2020

Breaking Teeth, Pedalphiles, Bipedalphiles, White Pav Policy, Crime Slashed, Dry Hand LukeTICKETS TO TELEPORT at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival are available hereAnd here are tickets to Al's show COULDN'T BE MORE THRILLED WITH EVERYTHINGHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereI've never felt more joy than having George back producing this le pod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. Bum bum bum, think you're a good, a good, a good bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum A noble art form. That. Well, like in the television program where the guy has to make meth, to make money to survive from his lung cancer. There could be a similar story where somebody figures has to find a novel way to make sugar rather than, you know, say this is in a society where they follow the keto lifestyle. Yep. It's enforced by law. You see?

And so they banned a lot of chemicals or they're restricted and people are monitored who buy them say sugar cane, sugar beet, fruit. Yep. I mean, is weight considered a sugar, the sort of the gluten and that sort of the other sugar starches? I mean, our starches band? I mean, come on. I mean, this is ridiculous. And so this person who is a chemistry teacher or maybe something less... Less obvious. A baker has to figure out ways to make delicious sweet treats by sort of creating sugar from non-sugar elements. And just to be, just to, for the people at home, listening at home, or wherever they're listening, right?

Could be outside this small office where we're recording this at the ABC, wherever they are, thinking, that sounds a bit like the episode of the Sips and Tweet, they band sugar. It's an episode with that happens. Isn't there an episode with that band sugar and then they dump it all into the river or something or into the water and then everybody jumps in and dives around with the sugar and then

you see somebody's teeth all fall out. Maybe that, I mean, it feels like it would be a good idea. I mean, it's such a good idea to feel like I would base this as some sense of it on that idea if it had access to their script writing equipment. I mean, it's sort of maybe a cross between the beer bar and episode and then whatever it that idea if they had access to their script writing equipment. I mean, it's sort of maybe a cross between the beer bar and episode and then whatever it is that I'm remembering, which may or may not be an actual thing,

but how is there? I still think, are some sort of sketch? But do you think it's just a parody of breaking bad? Breaking bad about sugar is absolutely a sketch, I'll say. It's absolutely a sketch. People try to manufacture in their bathtubs the sugar or one guy. One guy. One guy. Some younger guy who gets involved. Maybe to make it a bit different they could both have eye patches and thick,

brushy moustaches. This is like my character who tries to make all, everyone who always praises him having such, such complex characters, but really all he's done is give every single character at his book a limp. A different kind of limp. Oh, yeah, sometimes they limp with the left and sometimes they limp with the right. And sometimes they limp with their hands, they walk on their hands but they walk on their hands with

the limp. You know, one of those distinctive limps I recognized him instantly because he was walking on his hands with a limp. Nobody nobody okay. This is as far as I'm aware. Yeah. Bypedal buy pedal you could be buy pedal and just walk with one hand and one foot Nobody does that. Yeah, no nowhere in the animal kingdom. Yeah, it's that is that Neesh take an advantage of could you do that with one foot and your head and your head But that's still count. What is your head not count as pad? I think the purists, the the pedal purists, pedal purists, the pedal files, the pedal files, that much maligned group of society, there's nothing wrong with them,

they just love the definition of feet. And they really refuse to change the name of their group. That's their only quirk. And the name of their group, pedal files, a lot of people were reading as and as. Oh, they hate that as well. Who will think it's got to do with bikes. I think if you were bald You could really grease up the top of your head Mm-hmm

And then use it as sort of like a bearing to slide around on pushing yourself with one foot If the ground was also very smooth because if it wasn't it it sucks heaps Wait, so you use your back legs are kind of like a bull and your head is sort of like a plow. Yeah. What do you mean? You know, you sort of... It's what I'm describing to you.

You know, so one of your thighs, you call it Betsy, you call the other thigh, you call them, you know, lignon, lignon, like that. And in your head, you might wear one of those sort of like paper hats that looks like comes to a point. It does as hat, yeah. But made of something real solid for plowing. Like metal, like a metal treck. And what do you call your head in this scenario?

Old, faithful. Mm. Yeah. Then if you're giving everything a name, why not your torso? A really good point. It will be a double standard. What about the body part formerly known as torso? Mm-hmm.

Yep. Um, uh, I look, I think this, I think, I think novel forms of walking are pretty interesting, because I'm aware that Monty Path, a lot of our sketches, this episode are going to be, takes on a classic, on a classic thing that already exists much better, right? But Monty Python, the Ministry of Silly Walks, I think you'll find, they all still use their legs and that's not going to cut it in this disrupted world. Yeah, one of your legs is cut off and maybe both your arms, maybe one of your arms. If we were to do a modern version of the Ministry of Silly Walks, we were up to update it

for today. We'd find that actually the government had outsourced all of the Silly Walks work to consultants, price waterhouse or KPMG or something like that would have been brought in to do consultation. The actual Silly walking would all be done by contractors. Yeah, right. So it wouldn't even be to sort of inspire the people. No, no, no, no.

And do you think it would have been turned into some sort of profit-making center for cronies of the liberal national government? Well, I don't want to get too satirical, but I would suggest that maybe they would just have people sort of being pulled on sleds and they would say, yeah, that's walking. What are you talking about? They're moving around. Yeah, yeah, I don't know if that is too satirical, Alistair, because I don't even really quite know what it They lie sometimes. They sure bloody do though. I've had about enough of it.

I've also written down pedal files. Yeah, great. I mean, maybe that's what cyclists could be called. Because cyclists have a bad image. A lot of people are very negative about cyclists. And I think this could be the rebrand that will really, you know, endear them to the general public. I think if there were two groups with the same name,

who were in battle, you know, I mean, it gives the sketch a direction to go. Direction is important. That's true. Yeah. Why did you say that? Just supporting you in some way felt like there might be an opportunity for me to talk about vectors.

Well, then I held back, if you must know. Yeah. Well, I think support is important. And you've done a good thing. Great. Thanks very much. I'm sorry that neither of our comments've done a good thing. Great. Thanks very much. I'm sorry that neither of our comments really took us forward in any way, which would be the other things

the thing you'd need for a vector. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That would be magnitude of... Yeah, magnitude. Magnitude. Magnitude is a great name for a rapper. Mm-hmm. Is there rapper. Is there any rappers called

magnitude? Yeah, because chewed kind of sounds like attitude. Yeah, that was a big part of what I liked about it. And a and magna sounds a bit like magnet and those are cool. Yeah, and that sounds a bit like magma as well. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know about that. I wouldn't know anything about that. And I wouldn't talk about it if I did. I mean, do you think that people could treat some of their comedy characters as secret identities? You know, you pretend like you don't know who they are.

I'm sure there are some fuckheads in the industry. You do that? In an industry are some fuckheads in the industry. I do that. In an industry full of fuckheads, you can't rule it out. You'd be crazy. Yeah. I guess yeah, in industry full of fuckheads, there's going to be a fuckhead of every sort. But do you, I mean, I was going to say, would you feel that liberated having a masked character on stage?

But then I forgot that you did use to have a masked character. Did you ever do that on stage once or twice? No, I did it a few times, but the last time was a major ball. I used to wear this terrifying mask, this mask that looked real enough. Have we talked about this on the show before? Because I may as well retell the story of the first time I saw this mask. I hadn't seen it before.

Which is, I hadn't seen it before. In fact, Alistair and I were living together at the time in a warehouse that was very poorly lit in a very unpleasant neck of the woods, down in alleyway, opposite of meatpacking factory. It was, it was grim. Alistair went away to Sydney. And I was doing the washing up, because I always did the washing up, but I was doing it with my headphones on, so I wasn't in a good listening position. And unbeknownst to me, Alistair had come back from Sydney. Also unbeknownst to me, he had purchased the most terrifying

old man looking mask in the universe. At the markets for, I don't know, Ted bucks or something like that. And he got his buddies worth because he put on that mask and just stood about two meters away from me while I was doing the washing up until I think he was a load in the house, turned around

and saw this horrible old man. The...and...if you want to know how you'd reacted across us, I froze. I totally froze. The only part of the move was maybe my eyes got real white. They're white and that's all that happened. And when your eyes widened, the scenario like that, I think it's an evolutionary response to your hoping that maybe you'll see, you know, you'll get more information about the scenario, right?

And I don't know what my eyes were hoping to see that would give context to this old man see that would give context to this old man in my kitchen, maybe some sort of anti-old man who was about to kill him in some way, like a small baby with a knife. Yeah, I guess a great aunt would be an auntie old man. Yes, really. Auntie. An auntie. If ever there was one time to use your accent, L.O.D. to make the joke. Ante.

Something? Yeah. But then I wouldn't have known when you said ant. You were a great ant. I would have been very confused. I know. That's why I said that. But every particle has its own antiparticle.

Mm. Ante particle. Mm. Anyway. Harrison. its own antiparticle. Um, antiparticle. Um, you know, Harrison, that was Harrison. Then I will stay tended into a character of Harrison who was just like a terrifying state. I've competed. I didn't realize how terrifying he was. Hey, how you guys doing?

You know, so, you know, when you're walking around down a dark street and, and, and you see as like a, like a vulnerable person, they give you that look, that look. And my face doesn't change. You know what I'm talking about. It was very good. I imagine the audience was very much able to imagine your face not changing because they were seeing it.

They were. Oh, I thought you were talking with the audience who was watching me at the time. I was talking to the audience at home Yeah, right. I think if them as an audience isn't that weird that they're an audience even though they're made up of individuals All spread out all over the place like thinking of individual drops of water as an ocean Yeah Well, I guess he's something you said earlier today. He said, well, you know, I guess there's only one water. You said something like that. And I went, oh, like I was in, like I thought you were talking about all the particles.

I guess all that's right. You were talking about your wife's water breaking, water's breaking. Her water's broke. Yeah, her water's broke. And you know, I guess it was just one water. And then I started thinking about the idea that maybe there is only one water and all the water in the world as part of that one water. And I thought maybe that's what you were saying. And then I realized you were talking about it. Maybe your boys were both and were probably in two

separate bags. They were in the same bag. Oh, actually, they would have been in separate bags. So maybe there were waters. Maybe there were a couple of waters. But I think only one of the two waters did break. So I think I do not know, I can't remember. They had been separated by a laser or something like that. Oh yeah, but that wasn't the bags. That was a different thing. Well.

It was a very complicated in utero scenario with my twins pre-birth. Alistair is alluding to a medical condition that they had called twin anemia polycythemia, where red blood cells were flowing from one twin into the other twin via capillaries in the placenta, resulting in one becoming anemic and one becoming polycythemic and almost dying and then they were saved in a most incredible fashion by an application of very cool science with a little laser and a camera going into the aminionic sac and cutting the capillaries in the placenta with a bloody laser on a stick in the womb. And in ancient times when people, babies had this condition, one would just be born

can break red and the other one would be born bright white. Bright white. Bright white. And they would think that they were demon babies. Yeah. And then you would be glad to be rid of them. Which you would have been extremely rid of them. Anyway, um, uh, glad all that's behind me. Thank you Dr. Stephen Cole for performing that procedure. Apparently the procedure went so well that it changed the way that they're going to do that procedure from now on. Correct. Yes, I'm a part of medical history. Well, well, you are in some way. Good times. I had a thought yesterday, Alistair, that you know how the Pavlova is like Australia's national dish.

Yes, one of our many. Yeah. I think though that it probably was our national dish during the White Australia policy, which is a thing that we had, that we can all be very proud of, which was to keep out. I think mostly people from China was what they were worried about. I think so. Yeah. We're sorry everybody. I just thought it was interesting that our national dish also called for whites only, because the Pavlova obviously is made with the whites of the egg,

and how bloody Australian is that? They probably got the bloody recipe, the white Australia policy confused with the recipe book. The white recipe What recipe pulse it now? What the white paper? I think they would have had a white paper over that. I don't know what they would have used white paper. Yeah, it could have been, could have been. Anyway, unlike the recipe itself, there's a yolk in there somewhere. I'm so sorry about that one.

I'm going to write it down. Yeah. What are you writing down? Only the whites. Yeah, well, I think you could arrange all of that into something. Yeah. And you know, ingredients are there. In the right context, I think that could be a fun little, you know, mistake when somebody's looking at a recipe book and also... I don't know if I'm looking at a recipe book or a policy, you know. Or an Australian policy document from before the year 1968. Well somebody told me that they were working for the state government and that their job

was to implement the policy that was written, right? But they're looking over the policy and they realize this thing is a mess, like some bits are just copied and pasted from other policies, and that things inside it are not relevant at all. And then there's other bits that are kind of, you know, maybe they contradict each other and things like that. But this has been passed. But this has passed.. But this has passed. Passed parliament or whatever. Yeah, and so is in law.

And now that they have to enact it, you have to look at this piece of, I guess, is societal programming. It's in coding kind of thing. And then you have to actually do things that match the new laws, even though the laws don't necessarily make sense. That's so crazy. I often wonder about this though,

because those policy documents that they come up with, they're coming up with them all the time, right? There's always new shit being debated and passed on that sort of thing. And they're huge, they're massive documents, really hard to, and they're written in language that is very hard to understand. They are by their nature, really hard to, and they're written in language that is very hard to understand. They are by their nature, very repetitive anyway,

and they always contain clauses and sub-closes. Like, just when I was working on this show about the Australian consumer law, just having to look at the consumer law, it's just volumes and volumes and volumes of this stuff. That is so hard to understand. But I'm always like, how do they write so much of this stuff that is so hard to understand. But I'm always like, how do they write so much of this stuff? How do they write it all so quickly and write it in a way that is robust, like

legislatively robust? And obviously, there would be copying and pasting. And that's what I would do if I was doing it. I think that happens in law as well. Like when you need to come up with a good argument for defending somebody, whatever, you just go, all right, what did other people say? When they defended somebody in a similar thing, they go, oh, that's a good argument. All right, let's take that. You go, that's a good argument, let's take that.

Like that. And so nobody's gone, Google, good defense is for sep topple murder. Man, I bet you that there is a lot of that. Yeah. Especially for Tip-Tuple murder. Is there any special defences that kick in at sort of like extra-hide number of murders? The Irrana, my client thought that by killing seven, that would be lucky.

And he was wrong, but we all make mistakes. Exactly, and he thought he would be lucky. Mm. And he was wrong. And he will make mistakes. Exactly. And he thought he would get off. And so. And he did it away. In the way. But only in you referring to him, like sexually. Jacking it. Jacking it.

Mm. Um, uh, you're on a... My client... Well, yes, he did murder 13 people, but you understand that above a certain number of murders, it's hard to keep track. My client, well, yes, he did murder 13 people, but you understand that above a certain number of murders,

it's hard to keep track. He thought he'd only murdered 11. Ignorance of the law is not, is not, is, is no defense. But what about ignorance of the crime? Of the crime. That's much better than what I was going to say. I don't know, what I was going to say. I don't know what I'm doing.

They could be something, isn't that? Well, in fact, I think that is probably a legitimate offense if you're sort of impaired in such a way that you can't keep track. And I wonder if there is a sort of a, can you get a bulk sentence? Like say you do do a certain, above a certain number, or say a dozen, you know, is there some kind of discount? Well, you don't have to do the same number of years as you would per the individual murders.

I think, I think, do a job of, throw you in one for free or something like that. I think if you kill, kill Bakers doesn't. I think if you commit a crime against one person, you will get a certain amount of time. But even if that's, if you kill three people, say, I don't think they're going to give you three times the same sentence. Sometimes I think they do.

I think sometimes you get, like, there are situations where you'll get a life sentence, you know, you get multiple life sentences reflecting the number of people that you killed. But it does turn into a bit of a joke as well. Yeah, that's when you get a pedantic judge who really cares about that. Or as we would call them in this a pedanta file. Yeah. Loves to be pedantic. And, yeah, I think the idea of a bulk crime's discount is sort of a funny idea.

And maybe, you know, we have lots of law-based, like courtroom-based sketch ideas. The idea that you're, you're on her. My client, now he has done a lot, but I think per I think per the crime he should do less get a discount And what if what if we paid some of the phone as you know that's gonna be fine and cash cash That's really good. We should we should do something with that Especially if you're your crime was tax evasion. Yeah, money laundering, I think. I had to, oh yeah, I was just saying that if my mum was a defence lawyer, I think she would expect a discount, not only for the number of crimes done, but also for her client came to court a lot, was like a

repeater fender, you know, based on the relationship or something. I come here all the time. I think Joe's discount bulk courthouse is this Australia's? Find a lesser sentence, an era else and will beat it by 10 percent. It's a real race to the bottom. If you get a fine, they'll give you a lower fine. I think we should do this. I think we should privatise the administration of justice. I'm crazy judge. I'm crazy judge Joe. Low, low sentences. Oh, absolutely nuts.

People go, Look at this! Court have jurors. I mean, one, this one's a donkey. Normally, the clients pleaded Saturday, but this time it's crazy Joe doing it. I must be mad myself. When they've privatized the court system. Mm.

Yeah, that's what I was saying. Like, yeah, I was saying that. Let you off with a warning about how good the deals are. Every deal is a, every plea deal is a something. Every plea deal is a something. He's everything settling out of court because he, they repossessed his court house. He couldn't keep up the rent So now he's doing it all out

Joe's out to court, court settlements Out of court settlements. Yeah, we're just doing them outside because they're renovating. We're renovating People are getting sick While there's an eviction notice Oh, geez Come here, come down on the river, The cut for him. Let me do it. I love a real shifty judge. Do you want me to ordain you? So the civil partnership. I'll chuck that in. I'll chuck that in. Well, I'm doing your five extra bucks doing your homicide.

Do you think that maybe you will get married to someone while you're in jail over correspondence because you could pre-mine that. Compton me, if you're gonna do that, make sure you come to me, say my name. Mm-hmm. That will get me in. I'll jail a look after you.

That's just like, it's a better call Saul. Yeah. But for judges. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career in a rewarding field, with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years.

Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time. Mycomputercareer.edu. We're taking what we're doing all our references to role parody sketches today. The guy who does who created that TV show. Is it David Simon or someone else? No, the other guy. The other guy. The John Clamski.

Yeah, that's it. The John. He's a put John where you pronounce the J. Yeah. The B. pronounce the J. Yeah, the A J. Oh, American, but John. I love that. Like, there's places in the states that are clearly French names,

but they, they announced them. Yeah, demoins. Dem, I don't even like get demoins, I think it was really funny, because I mean, like, it doesn't, you know, obviously obviously it's fine to pronounce it with an English accent but I guess not everybody can't get everybody in America to call it dem one but you know at least they're not pronouncing the S at the other maybe it is just D-E-moyne. I think you're only allowed to call it Dem one if it's actually from the Mont-Région of France. Yeah.

Something. So, Alistair, favorite grade of gravel? Hmm. I would say course. Yeah. I would get... You're our course. You're a course guy. Yeah. I guess, you know, something that... Were you talking like a blue stone? Um...

What do you like that kind of tan? Do they break up big blue stones? I think they do. And I think they make gravel in a tumbling. It goes round. Oh, actually, no, that's where they make those little round ones. They literally put them in there. And they just spin it like a washing machine.

And all the stones are just smashing against each other. Like that. And we're and eroding down to the point where they get the nice little roundies. And they fall into the into a thing? They must sift them out somehow. Maybe they fall out. Maybe they sort of fall out. Like a sifting does involve falling. I think we can both be right on this. Well, even though I don't can both be right on this.

Well, even though I don't think I'm right at all. Well, I'm just trying to speculate about a version of sifting that doesn't involve falling. You could do it with a some kind of centrifuge or a magnetic sifting. Yeah. Okay. I don't know if I can or is magnetic. Well, it is. Sorry, I apologize. Magnetite, obviously it's, but it's not one of the main iron orbs I don't believe magnetite. Yeah, right. So I was I was referring to magnetite. Yeah, I want you to know that whenever I talk about or I'm always talking about one of the lesser off brand.

It's a bit it's a bit more niche it's a bit like if I'm if we're talking about canoe ores I'm always talking about double kayak ores. I love kayaking yeah yeah so satisfying. I think that really matches you, and especially your new look. My new vest, my little cap. Your little cap. These are all things that go well with your leather side bag, and that kind of stuff. I would be interested in kayaking on land. I think that would be possible.

You could chuck a couple of little wheels under a kayak and you could paddle along with a little rubber stump on the end instead of a paddle. Well, you know, yeah, a street paddle. I think that would be great. I mean, it's that part where they tip over a lot where your head kind of fall into the car lane. Great. So long though. But if that doesn't happen with bicycles, and it does, and let's be clear, it does happen with bicycles. That certainly does, but if it didn't. But in this situation, my legs would be trapped inside a kayak.

Yeah. And your arms would be so to otherwise occupied. Holding a paddle. Holding a paddle. Holding a paddle. So I think it's perfect for sort of squishing the heads of... Yep. It would be a good way to thin out the sort of kayak enthusiast population, I guess. Yeah, you're right.

But I don't think that just because it's a bad idea that people shouldn't do it. Oh, that's good. You know, we're very open-minded on this, on the show. because it's a bad idea that people shouldn't do it. That's good. We're very open-minded on this show, mostly because we've cracked our skulls opening ground kayaking. Exactly. I've had a lot of people that I know, quite family friends and friends of mine, quite recently, injured themselves very badly,

doing downhill mountain biking. Yeah, sure. I mean, that's a, it's very conducive to serious injuries. It's insane. My dad does a lot of it. He's insane. Well, is this your dad who recently had really, really bad knees? Yeah, but that was the same dad. Just the same dad.

We're talking about the same dad. Yeah, it's the same dad. Yeah, that's my dad. Yeah. Yeah, but that was a viral, that was a viral or a bacteria thing that got into his body and then reacted with sort of reactive arthritis and then also another thing on his heart. But. You're right, you're right.

His arthritis is days and he's problem with his heart. But... You're right, you're right. His arthritis it is, his knees, and his problem with his heart, and his susceptibility to bacteria, doesn't sound like any of these should preclude him from doing downhill mountain biking. But it wasn't related to the mountain hill. And with anything, the mountain biking will stop his,

he didn't just have, turns out, didn't just have reactive arthritis in his knees. He also has now real arthritis in there. And doing a lot of mountain biking is one of the few things you could do to stop your knees from seizing up. You're kidding. That's crazy. I apologize.

When you have arthritis, you've got to keep using your body or else they will become basically unusable So I guess in this episode where we reveal all our family's medical problems You must feel pretty silly now. Yeah, I really did but this is another sort of Medical thing in which your name is attached to and history I will admit that when I went into attacking your dad on the basis of these medical conditions, I felt like there was a chance I wasn't going to come out of it well. But I was like, look, I have a role to play on this podcast and it's a rationally attacking

people for things that they choose to do. That's cool. And I look, I mean, I did bring up the problem, you know, your son's thing. I mean, I was, I think I was bringing it up in the context of their quite a beautiful poetic thing of the idea of there only being one water. But, you know, you're attack on my dad's knees. How he's an insane person. Is this similar?

I will, I will say. He does seem to have quite different interests to you. Yeah. He does seem to have quite different interests to you. Yeah, but also like you work in a very different field to all your members of your family. That's true. And so your focus lies far away from that because we focus in quite a niche industry, where there's only seemingly millions of people trying to do it. Yep. We're all trying to cram into a little hole like bees trying to get into a hive.

There's only one spot in the hive. Yeah. Anyway, we're in the hive now. We're in the hive. You can't come in. Yeah. And we're low on resources. Still they shut down the hive. You can't come in. Yeah, and we're low on resources. They shut down the hive. Now, look, we have one, two, three, four, five ideas here. Should

we go to our three words? I think we're good as well. Yes. I think that's a good stuff. Never look back. All right, we're going to three words from a listener. Have we done too short? No. It's fine. It's just going to be a petite episode. Well, we can... anyway, I think people are happy with petite episodes. Yeah, people have got things to do. They don't have time to listen to this. Yeah. Thank you for listening, everybody. And if you want, you can come to our comedy festival show Teleport from March 26th to April 19th, 2020 in Melbourne, Australia. And it's going to be great. And the sooner you buy tickets, the happier everyone will be.

You'll be happy because you know tickets will be booked. And we'll be happy because we know that this might not lead to a total financial ruin. Just do it. Just buy the tickets. And after you do that, if you really want to, you can also buy tickets to Alice of Trumblay Virtual, couldn't be more happy, couldn't be more thrilled with everything, which is also at the company festival.

Go to thecomedyfestival.com.au website and find links or like on our Twitter and stuff. Anyway, three words from a listener, Patreon supporter, Connell O'Hara. Connell O'Hara, Connell O'Hara. Colonel O'Hara. Colonel O'Hara. Colonel O'Hara. Walking through the fields. Making a type of breath that no one ever smelled.

We are really good at this. I think we should do it live. Yeah. Yeah. Just doing making up songs. Yeah. I think, OK, what we need to do is we need to record one live album Of songs of songs yeah, but we make them in real time

We both have an instrument if we want to I guess we could have an array of instruments there taberine. I don't want to limit myself. Yeah I want the only limit to be my talent. But trust me, that's a big enough limit to go around. Don't worry. And then I guess we could live stream it. We'll do it directly after the 300th episode is finished. And we're not going to do it then. Thank you.

Oh my God, that'd be incredible. To do that. To go, we go. We do a 300 sketch episode. then we go on stage and perform live. I've just finished our cheese goblet of wallets. Well we've got to work on something new to do for the next episode. Okay, can't be cheese goblets. Can't be cheese goblets again.

We've moved on. All right, maybe gravy pillows cheese goblets. Can't be cheese goblets again. No, we've moved on. All right, maybe gravy pillows. Yeah, great. On which we could sleep after, we record that live album. All right, Conno LaHara's three words are anti, a NTI, cream. Yep.

Do you wanna guess what the last word is? Slip of it? No wrinkles. Ah! Heavy cream wrinkles. Heavy cream wrinkles. You know what? If the wrinkles in the ends of your fingers were big enough, right?

They would absorb all cream, right? Whenever you touched cream, it would be soaked into the wrinkles on your fingers, right. They would absorb all cream Right whenever you touched cream it would be soaked into the wrinkles on your fingers Yeah, right and it would mean that you were never able to apply cream anywhere else on your body So it would just go too deep down and then you wouldn't be it's deep down in the folds there You can't get to it. I guess yeah, you could picture somebody who's got such dry hands Mm-hmm, and they're so cracked That when you put cream on your finger, it falls so deep into the crevice. It's like the vacuum of space. It sucked away.

It's never coming back. And then it goes into your bloodstream and is carried away. Is it infinitely dry? You know, like, okay, we've got absolute zero temperature. Is there absolute dry? Something that is infinitely, what I said, infinitely dry. I wonder if you could make something like this with carbon nanotubes, right? Because you can do, make that material that absorbs all light with carbon nanotubes. The light goes down the little holes and bounces around in there and can't get back out again. Van to black. Yeah, I think Van to black somewhere along that territory. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

But I reckon that might also be able to absorb water down those tubes using capillary action. Sure. And then it's infinite drain. You touch it on anything, soaks it up, it's gone. It's gone. Drop it in the ocean. The ocean's gone. Yeah, well, so this is like,

this is going to have like a, did a product make his hands, this dry? Do you think maybe it was like, make your hands as dry as a person's heels? Well, okay. He was, he, he met a, he was in, he was in a public toilet, right? Trying to dry his hands on one of those crappy hand dries, which is going, like that, right? And then he, a genie appeared, right?

Or a researcher in material science. Yeah, the closest thing we have to genies. Yeah. And he wished to the researcher in material science, after rubbing him to dry his hands, he said, I wish that my hands were always dry. Right, and the material science scientists, you gotta be careful of them.

They granted his one wish by coating what you wish for. Was he foreign? Yeah, he'd he's one wish. So, it's like, be careful. And what you wish for. Was he foreign? Yeah, he'd come here from Iran. Iran is at the forefront of material science. Yeah, and, you know, but he was trying to get away from a lot of that political unrest. And he was working with Nanotubes

and he was walking into a public toilet with a big tub of them. Mm. And then he dipped the person's hands in the carbon nano chips and they dried immediately, but then they were also then suddenly these nano chips got all into his skin and things like that. Because they're nanotubes. You know, they all got into the pores and the gaps in the skin, the skin fibers and things like that.

Anyway, so then anytime, no matter what, you could go through a whole tub of sore ballin. Like that. And you know, normally you got that sort of slimy feel left after you've tried to rub your heel or something like that to kind of make it stop aching while you're in bed or whatever And we are going to do another medical diversion Elisabeth And then

And then you're like, oh no, I've got all this cream on my hands, and my hands are going to be all not dry And then but he can't that doesn't happen to this guy They go instantly dry Mm-hmm Has no access to the moisture can't get it back I've got the dryest touch Everything I touch got the dryest touch. Everything I touch turns to dry.

You think maybe it goes into a reservoir in the middle of his hand. His hands keep growing. Yes, swelling. Yeah, so he gets water hands, like that. Then can he shoot it out from a hole in the middle of his hand? Maybe out of his wrists, like spider-wrap. This is a pretty good way to get a superpower. Like it's almost, feels almost plausible.

Yeah. I think we could be onto something. Okay. Yeah. Squirty boy. That's a dead bee, his name. Squirty boy. He can make you uncomfortably wet.

Not enough to change your shirt, but enough to be weird wet. He goes you know somebody's drowning in a pool or whatever sticks his fingers in sucks up the pool. Oh that is so good. Squares it into the air. Everyone dancesh. That music plays. You don't think that would make people happy if it was? I think it would make people happy. I think people like that kind of thing. They like a good time.

Yeah, people do love a good time. You know I'm a big fan of water slides. Oh yeah. I didn't know that about you. I really feel like we talked about on a very recent episode of the podcast. You love water slides. I am obsessed with water slides.

I think they're just about the most fun thing that exists. No, I don't like about water slides. What? That when you get decapitated. That's my second least favorite. Okay, wow. I'm interested in this first place. So you know that it's that join between two of the slide pieces where when your butt

goes over it, sometimes. A little bit of a good dunk. You feel a little clipping, it's almost like it pinches you a little bit. Your skin goes past and maybe some of the skin just goes into the fold and then it kind of goes, just pinches a tiny bit. Yeah, I reckon what happens is that the pressure from your butt pushes your skin down into the fold and then as you slide the far edge squeezes that fold. Yeah, I think it's a little self-squeezer.

Yeah, but then after that, getting to capitate is my least favorite thing. Would you say that you would mention political unrest before using that our country is at a state of political rest? Hmm, I don't know if we're in complete rest, but I think we're in equilibrium. We've hit some steady state, which I guess is what stability is.

I don't know if there's political unrest in Iran. My assumption is that there always is, but maybe there isn't. I think some people are pretty unhappy with some stuff over there. But you know, I think they've just voted in a very conservative government again. Have they? Yeah. Okay. So, but I thought I heard that the young people were very sort of anti-all that,

but they can't seem to escape it. Mm. Anti-all that. She's all, anti-all that. I used to love the movie, she's all that. She's all, Andy all that. I used to love the movie, she's all that. Never seen it. I used to love, I was so in love with Rachel Lee Cook. I don't know her.

Well, she's the star of, she's all that. I'll look her up. And then she's beautiful. Well, at first she was nerdy. Ah. So approachable. She was approachable because she had interests that would have sort of, you know,

not been the kind of interest my dad would have had on this and the kind of interest that I would have had. You know, because your dad's a real jock. Yeah. Yeah, boy, he just likes, he just likes, you know, sharing sort of old rock songs on Facebook. Has that been done as a movie concept? Jock Dad?

You know, somebody's got a Jock Dad. He's all Jock. Yeah, that's a great name. And then the son is not so, I'm sure this has been done. I think it's a little obvious. A masculine man who is disappointed with their son that isn't that masculine.

It's one of the main topics for film. I don't think there's a single film that's been made that doesn't have that trope. Little women? That's the main plot line in Little Women. Little women. I mean, little woman is the name of the dad. That's the name of the dad.

Yeah, little women. And he's super masculine. He's called little women, he's super masculine. That's how masculine he is. He can pull off that name. Wow. Yeah. And then I think there's a son,

I don't know, big mama or something like that. Big mama. And because he'd that gave him that name so that you didn't have to be his masculine. What about Dick Grunt? That is a very masculine name. Knife, knife wound. Yeah name. Knife wound. Yeah, nothing like a wound.

There's a real male thing to have. I think so. You reckon? Yeah. When you've been hunting oxen. But don't you think it's more masculine to have got out of the fight without even, without a scratch on you? You mean knife knife no wound. Yeah.

Yes. Knife Mcnoe wound, that son of no wound. Yep. The one who was maybe, who's masculinity is being questioned by his papa. Papa. So I take us through the sketch ideas. Uh, yep. Breaking bad, but with sugar.

And this is in this keto society, where any sugar has been restricted. I tell you that joke idea that I came up with, but I was like, look, I've been trying to follow the keto diet, but I'm struggling because I'm not sure I could get the rules. So I've been eating a lot of pastry and sugar, which I think is against the rules. But I know that that turns into, in your body, turns directly into fat, which is allowed. You see, so I'm not sure. Yeah, have I told you my joke about the paleo diet? No.

Wait, this is the famous one, right? This is the joke that I tell you almost every day. Yeah. I bought the Paleo diet. Leo's a guy who runs a fish and chip shop, but the quarter of my street, and I pay him for food. And then we've got petal files. Hmm. Which people who love...

People who love cycling like your dad. That's the paddle file. Oh, sorry. Petal files. Which people who love petal. People who love cycling like your dad. That's the petal file. Petal files are the people who love feet. The definition of feet. Pointing out what's feet and what isn't. I still think my bipedal person who wants one leg and one hand. Novel forms of walking and biped.

Oh, great. Yeah. Great, that was it. I'm sorry, I'm dead at you. And I did doubt you then we got the only whites peve recipe Becoming the Australian national dish this white Australia policy through some mix up. Yeah, mix up of egg whites Yeah, okay sugar. Yeah, I'm a sugar in today stiff peaks. Yeah, okay, it's a sugar. Yeah, it's sugar in today. Stiff peaks. Yeah, until they form a meringue. Then we've got bulk crime discounts. And that's a, from Joe's discount bulk courthouse from when they privatized the legal system. I don't know what the incentive is to go to one of the more expensive

court houses where they charge you individually for each crime. Well, I suppose it's more important, I guess, if you want to, if you really, it's important to you for it to appear like justice has been served. Yeah, suppose. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good answer. It's a really good answer. Um, to me, it's more important to get off lightly. Yeah. But, you know, status, I went to one of the good ones. Yeah.

Not so cheapo. I was for serving my full term. If you were a politician, you'd have to make it seem like you went to a good one, but you could go to a dodgy one that appears like a good one. Yeah. Yeah, so that you can then restart your political career after you've done your ID and consecutive law sentences. Absolutely.

You've got to have, you've got to keep that credibility. Mm-hmm. And then we've got ultimate dry hands. Mm-hmm. The, the carbon nanotube. No, no, two. Finger man. Story. Yeah. It's inspiring. The... the... carbon... Nanai tube... Finger man... Storing.

Yeah, that's inspiring. Yeah. Bum, bum, bum, bum a rap about having chickens and having lots of eggs and acting, feeling really egregious. And I want you to know that this is separate from our live stream, completely improvised album that we'll be doing. Absolutely. This is Andy's different new careers. This is my rap career. I got two, I got the rap we did,

I think it was last time about my dick falling off. My dick fell off, and then my dick fell off, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And now I've got this other one about having lots of eggs. Yeah, a unique with eggs. It's gonna sound like a woman. No, I don't think women are guys whose dicks have fallen off. I have a lot to learn, Alistair. But I hope to learn through the medium of rap.

Alistair, rap is the place to go to learn about women. What guy rap? All right, well thank you very much for listening. We have been Andy Matthews and Alex to Trumblay Virgil. We're at To Intank at Stupid Old Andy at LSDATB on Twitter and we're at To Intank on Instagram. And you're on Instagram. I'm also at A Trumblay Virgil. And you can follow us on, you know, you can support us on Patreon, which helps immensely. You can go on our red bubble. We've got to, we've got to do another sci-fi try guys this week I've only just released the most recent bonus episode for this month, but we got to get another one out there

We're gonna have a sci-fi try guys have started writing my story. I'm very enjoying it. I think I found my voice Oh my god, and he has found his voice whereas I am still In deep search for any kind of voice. I don't I'm I'm pretty doubtful of whether or not I'll ever find my voice. I think I'll be like, I think this whole thing is bullshit that everybody finds their voice. And then it's always just gonna be work. It's gonna be hard work

and I'll never be able to make it consistent. Yeah. Anyway, that's just my prediction. It's my fear that this career I've chosen is always going to be work. Yeah, but it's good that it is work because that makes it difficult and it means that I guess less people try to do it. But also I think maybe if I do find my voice it'll just be the rut that I'm in. The voice of my rut.

Find your rut My my cobb it is really take it off since I found my rut And thank you all right take care of yourself right nuts over there He rut nuts and We love you This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbrodcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. I mean, if you won't, it's up to you. Are you working way too hard for way too little?

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