Two In The Think Tank - 226 - "UTOPIA IN HELL"

Episode Date: March 24, 2020

Big British Corporation, UIH, Boneless Moment, Squatter on the Roof Eating Cake, Holy Matriployment, Gut AdsThe sad news is that the COMEDY FESTIVAL IS CANCELLED so you can't get tickets or come see any of our shows. Brutal times, deep thanks to everyone who bought tickets (you will get refunds) and we hope to see you all soon.But, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereWood fired thanks to George for producing this episode Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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this podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. Who is Quincy Adams Quincy Adams Quincy Quincy I don't know who Quincy Adams was and I can't be bothered looking it up so I will not, I'll just go on not knowing who Quincy Adams was, who was Quincy Quincy. I podcast yes that me and Andy Matthews do I'm a little situation. I'm Charlie Rachel and in this podcast we attempt sorry sorry Do you want to start again? It's just you said me and Andy Matthews Yeah, and you meant Andy Matthews and I You know what I do want to start again But from episode one and with a different podcast partner Yeah, it's gonna be called fucking on mic. This is the thing I've wondered, are there any pornographic podcasts?

Just purely the grunts and slaps and various sort of liquidy noises. Well, I mean, you'd also get a bit of behind the scenes, I imagine. You know, you know, that thing where they do, they turn on the mic as you're walking in the room. Yeah. Just a little bit of setup kind of stuff. Just so people are like, hey, how are you? You actually hear the meeting, you know, they go, I guess we're going to be working together. We're going to be doing a scene. Welcome to the garage. Here's the

here's the camping mat. I actually call this the scat ranch. It's audio Oh, my God, Marit. What about this? Audio, smelly vision, skateboard. Oh, okay. What about, what about, like, like, back when they used to do all, like in radio plays and stuff, and they would have the folly artists who could do all, like in radio plays and stuff. And they would have the folly artists who could do all the sound effects

just with, you know, a lettuce and a hammer. Yeah. And a little door. Feeding their chest, a little bell. That. That. But before, when it was radio pornography. Sure.

And we get a tour of the BBC pornography studios. Sure. State pornography. I'm jumping around. It's okay. Well, I mean, it's still the same idea. It's still the same idea. It's still the same idea.

It's still the same idea. So exactly. Okay, so we go back to the early days of the BBC and the BBC actually had a pornography wing. It's that sort of idea where a kid, where a parent is like raising a kid, and they say, well, I rather, they drink with us, then they're out there experimenting

with a bunch of 15-year-olds, right? Same thing with the state, they say, well, I'd rather that we made it so that we can make it properly. And you know what, I think there's still an argument for it. Yes. So that we can make it properly. Properly. And you know what? I think there's still an argument for it. Yeah. And it can be educational. It can be informative. It can have real people. You know, is that what the state's interested in? Well, I think so. I know, but I think I mean, I think everyone like in the early days, everyone would be putting sort of putting on a British accent. I mean, I realized it's the BBC They're probably already have one, but they'll be putting on a different one

Right, so like in a one from sort of the regions. Yeah, more rural accents. Yeah. Oh, this is fine isn't it? And so on and other ones. Yeah, what a fine for joining you. Hi there. A fine for joining What a fine, enjoying you, hot, there. A fine, enjoying you. I think you got to write this down, Alistair. I think that's a fully formed sketch. Well, yeah, of course, but I think that it's not only a sketch, it's a great political idea. Oh, to go.

Yeah. You know, this could be what we need to get us out the other side of this thing. Well, you know, yeah, this is the first official I Guess isolation isolation app even though we're still at work But we just got the email saying that we're gonna start working from home as a Thursday But instead we've come here to do things that we would normally do at home in the workplace

So I don't know we, we're a bit confused right now. Stay at home all the time. So working from home and I guess I sleep at work, do I? Oh, okay. Where do I cry? Where do I wash myself? I guess I'll cry on the... on the trite. I know, change, Steve. Some things remain behind the side. What kind of a situation, a global scenario,

Scenario would lead to homing from work? The thing that you often see depicted in a sitcom, or something like that, when somebody's better trouble in paradise, you know, and somebody comes in early and finds that somebody else is sort of bathing themselves in the kitchenette sink or has a rolled up sleeping bag on top of the photocopier. And I'm just wondering what kind of a global scenario would require us all to start doing that. Sure, and because I don't have an idea for that just yet, I just want to give you the line. It's the opposite of trouble and paradise.

Yes. Ah, utopia in hell. I think that's a great, okay, let's drill into that. What leads to that being said, okay? It's because, let's put it this way, right? You could have a perfect time life. Everything could be great at home. Okay, it's because let's put it this way, right? You could have a perfect home life. Yeah.

Everything could be great at home. But for some reason, your work is so good that you have such a beautiful workplace that it's actually even preferable to being at home in your perfect home life. And so you move into your workplace and you sleep. It's the only place you can get a nice sleep sleep ever since you tried it the first time. Yeah, but where we so But you said life is at home is so good life at home is still is amazing and life at home is paradise is great Life at work is even better So because because if it's troubling, presumably the home life is paradise.

Yeah. Right. And by contrast, work would be hell. That's... I mean, that's a leap. I've made a leap. But yeah, yeah. And one, you're not willing to go with me or not.

I think my problem is because both places are so good. Yeah. But I think in the utopia in hell, your home life doesn't need to be good, but it can be good. But what it needs to be is that it's your other thing, let's say your work life needs to be really bad. So say,

your work life needs to be really bad. So let's say, like, because I guess for you, I guess because you're doing the flip where it has to be at home Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I guess that does make sense as well. Yeah, but I guess Things could be unbelievably bad at home. Mm-hmm. You know say You and your wife are not getting along you and your wife are not getting along. And let's say there's acid leaks from the room. It's dissolving.

It's dissolving a lot of the flesh off of your bones. And so you have to have like a lot of dry exposed bones. Which started first, do you think? Right. Which, which, which was a chicken and egg scenario? Do you think things were bad with your wife before the acid start? Do you know what there's like a little thing wrong with the house and somebody asks you to do it?

And then you don't get on top of it straight away. It kind of gets worse. I'm already, and that's a little bit of strength in your relationship. You know when you get to the point where the acid's worn through a lot of the muscle or bone, and you've got dry exposed bone. Yeah. So it's kind of that, right? I gotta say, at least the bone is dry.

I think if it was wet, I'd be more uncomfortable. I don't have a problem with being a full-skillington. I think it's the... S-S-S flesh, you, my full flesh, wet body, and the beautifully dry, clean skeleton that's all the unpleasantness. I think those two extremes are fine. Yeah, absolutely. I think it's, yeah, it's having flesh that's been sort of following away or severed through just being corroded away.

And then that exposed flesh, I guess, like ants figuring out that they can come and eat your flesh while you sleep. And you're like, look, I appreciate this. This is getting me closer to becoming the full skeleton. But... closer to becoming the full-scalington. But... You know, I've got a baby that's going to be born in July.

Yeah. And I think Skellington is definitely now. What of the... Nine. Nine. Top 10. I think that works for both a boy or a girl. I am.

I'm not sure if I'm ripping that off. for both a boy or a girl. I am. I'm not sure if I'm ripping that off of Jackson Bailey. I think he might say, Skellington. Does he say anything? Well, maybe I'm thinking of Richard Herring on his podcast who refers to Frankenstein's. Well, either way, they're both great references. So, okay. Okay, let's get back on the list.

The flesh is happening. The flesh is being falling. There's real trouble between you and your partner. But you're out and about, you know, despite the very egregious wounds and you're out with your partner you know, despite the very egregious wounds, and you're out with your partner out having a sort of a really nice Alfredo.

Beautiful. Beautiful out, fresh Alfredo with your beloved. And something. This is the wife that I don't get along with. The wife you don't get along with because of the trouble at home. Yeah. You know, at the home, at home.

And then, but you're out, you're out, there's just an Italian place around the corner that does an Alfredo, and your neighbor walks by in the rest of the way, he's picking up a takeaway, sort of another white sauce. I'm just amazed at this relationship that these people have, where they've obviously got the disposable income to go out and buy Alfredo's. They have this terrible problem at home, they don't get along, but they're still making time to have date nights.

Well, you have to. You have to. This could be an attempt to fix things. Yeah. Not the roof. Not the roof, obviously. But got to fix the relationship before we can fix the acid. There's a chance that the guy you say, whoever it is,

in the sketch, all he does every day, all day every day, for his job is fix roofs that are leaking acid. Yeah, he's like a chef who doesn't want to cook when he gets high. Exactly, and so, and this guy's similar in that he doesn't want to cook when he gets high. Yes. And so they're out having this beautiful Alfredo, and the neighbors walking in and he's getting a carbonara knocky.

Right, he's gone for the knocky. It's always a weird choice on there, but he's gone for the carbonara knocky and he's waiting at the counter there, he's ordered and he's just waiting. It looks across, there's a table for two. That's there, it's you and your wife. And he sees you knowing very well what's going on.

He hears the fights every day. Yeah, okay. And he goes, Why haven't you done something about the acid? No, no, no. No. And then he sees you at the table and he goes, utopian hell.

It's perfect. Yeah. It's a perfect scene. Right down Utopia in Hell, Alistair. And I am going to investigate further the full Scalington scenario. Sure. Because I want to know what's why it is that the two extremes are fine, right? Because you know what I also wouldn't be okay with. I wouldn't be okay with a fully non-decaying flesh body that somehow didn't have any bones. I think I'd be unhappy about that as well.

Have you ever seen an octopus trying to get in know escape from a boat. You know what that's pretty good and if I was to try to escape from a boat. They can I could slither my boneless. It's because of the lack of bones that they can get through quite small holes. Yeah, but they've I tell you an advantage that the octopus has. Yeah. It's the it's the millions It's the millions of years of evolution to thrive in exactly that boneless scenario. Whereas I feel like I were right to just tomorrow wake up with no bones, would find that the learning curve was too steep and I wouldn't be able to get up that or indeed any other incline because I just don't know how to operate the muscles required to flip my

floppy tentacles. But I think it's a lot of the same principles and I think Andy that if you were to find yourself boneless I think you would discover a lot about your own adaptability and a little of it I have. And how, you know, how many psychological restraints you put on yourself, you know, and when you're faced with an option of should I go boneless or not, you always say no because you don't realize how powerful you are inside. You know what? It wasn't until I was totally boneless that I finally grew a spine. Exactly. I mean, look, we have an ending.

And that's enough. And if you do remove all the bones from an arm or a leg or a hand or whatever. Does it then become a tentacle? Like is there any definitional taxonomical difference then between a boneless flopping arm tube and a tentacle? I don't think you could argue. But I didn't have tentacles. I mean, they certainly evolved separately.

And one of them evolved separately as an arm and then had its bones ripped out. Yes. But let's take it back to the aliens arriving on the planet. Yeah, absolutely. That classic, special, softical argument. Especially if you were like, you've discovered that you haven't been able to travel

over land as well as I'm predicting. Right? And you somehow... You've always believed in me. This is my problem with you, Alstet. You always think I'm capable of these physical things. It does cause quite a problem in your life, I say. So let's see. It was probably you that talked me into giving up all my bones in the first place.

Well, it was because I thought that you were, they were holding you back. And let's say they were holding me up. They were holding you up is what they were actually doing. And I was looking at it at a right angle. I Was lying down. I was lying down. I was I was sort of on a couch with my head to the man That's looking the right way anyway You were trying to travel over land You know maybe just even out the front of flopping and mowing and whatever

Terrential rain began. Yeah, you got dragged into the gutter. Flopping and moaning. Flopping and whatever. Tarynxal rain began. Yeah. You got dragged into the gutter. You got pulled into the ocean. Yes, down to the foreshore. Out I come out of the stormwater drain. Exactly. In a rocky area.

Right. And then aliens come down. And there you are floating on top of the water. Like that boneless, probably air, where there used to be bones, right? So that's why you're so buoyant. I've got a bit of buoyant. I think I'd be buoyant anyway. In fact, I think if anything, if you remove my bones, I'd be more buoyant than I currently

am. Now I reckon they're one of the more dense parts of the human bones. You've gone from boan to buoyant. God, that worked. That worked really well. And then, alien comes down, they would be like, absolutely, this is a tentacle. We just haven't figured out exactly how. A octopus swims up next to me. Is eating your face? The alien who's only been learned about humanity from watching Simpsons that's been sent out into space via radio waves.

So the band says I'm seeing double here for tentacled creatures. Yeah. Quodig. What's the big picture? And he came here because he watched the Simpsons and he saw that our vision of aliens were tentacled aliens. And so he goes, oh, well, this is must be where we're supposed to go. So he's a tentacled alien? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. He's also a tentacled. That's why he,

that's why he comes here and only cares about his tentacles. I should really be called octacles, shouldn't I? Well, though, there's only one of them, I think. Tentacles. When you refer to one tentacled, you're referring to one. So if you refer to it as an optical, it would be a monical. That's right. But that was already taken. Exactly. Now before I took you away by saying Utopia in hell, you were heading down a path. Yeah, probably, but don't worry about it. I won't be able to get back there. I don't want to.

Have you written down anything about this tentacle business? Oboneless moment of revelation. I can't, yeah. But that was more about you discovering about yourself. It's an oboneless moment of revelation. I can't yeah, but an honest revelation. But that was more about you discovering about yourself. Yeah, I think that's fine. I just want to, I just had a little glimmer. A little flash.

Yeah, a little flash. The brain works well. You're thinking, I'll talk about how I think the brain works. You see, sometimes it's just, you know, it's incredible. You have this inner eye that is separate from the outer eyes. We don't listen. You gotta be thinking. Yeah, no, I worked out what it is already.

Okay, well then, you know, there you go. I'll let people. Imagine how great the inner eye is. Maybe they can picture it in some way. Well, okay, so this is all I was gonna say, right, was I picture, you know, the tallest buildings in the city, the penthouse is the highest building, is the highest room, apartment,

and the most expensive, right, the most valuable, that penthouse. That's what I think, yeah. But you can actually get higher than the penthouse. That's true. If you're willing to get up on the roof, the exposed area up there, and pitch a tent. That's true, yeah.

And by that I mean get a stiffer. No, OK, so pitch a tent, right? But it'd be hard to argue that you have more, you are sort of richer than the person in the penthouse below you. But I think that there is this sort of potential, let's picture this, right? It's a group of homeless people, homeless comedy. I think it's time

it's finally coming in. I think right now with a pandemic, if you want to place it in the in the time of a pandemic. I'm contemporary. It's going to be so many more homeless people that people will now look at the homeless and just see themselves in two weeks. Yeah. people will now look at the homeless and just see themselves in two weeks. Yeah. You know, so. So it's a perfect time to do the homeless. So what I'm looking at here is a sort of a homeless billionaire type scenario. Or it's a cabal of homeless people, people who choose to live in the most luxurious way

possible, available to somebody who owns nothing. And so they do, you know, take their swag or whatever it is to the top of the tallest building and they have a tent house, pent house, just up there on the top, you know, the beautiful views and that sort of thing. They only eat scraps from the most expensive restaurants or you know, the rock caviar or whatever it may be. Just the offcuts of the greatest rejected by the greatest chefs. Exactly. The plates that were not, yeah, that were not, they had to be thrown out from one of the greatest restaurants. Maybe because somebody, you know, a P was out of place.

A P, just one misplaced P. Yeah, so what do you think? Is that a sketch in some way? Well, there's a few things in there. Yeah, so I think, I mean, it was a flurry of ideas for me. You know, when you said a homeless billionaire, you mean we think of a person who just has a billion homeless people.

You know, like if somebody who says, if true riches are friends, then just call me the richest man in the world. This is somebody who says, if true riches are homeless people, go be Jeff Bezos. But the real addressing your real idea here, is that what this is really about? What I think would be great is in this idea is the focus for me right now. The main focus is... Tell me. How pissed off the guy who owns the penthouse

where there would be that there's somebody who's above them and that he considers them below him. So I think that this person is homeless and that they've pitched a tent on top and then they get the highest apartment in the house. And then he makes an enemy of the penthouse guy below him. Absolutely, because it comes out wearing stilt or something like that. Because often some of these places, you know, apartment buildings have like a barbecue on the roof.

And to think about the penthouse is actually one of the worst places to be where you have one of those thin roofs where everybody stomping around and having parts. You think they got a thin roof? You think it's real thin that you could hear the people, Bobby, do you think the smell of the sausages comes down? I've never seen anybody properly build a roof. I think they give up once they get to that high. They go, oh, it doesn't have to support that much way blah blah blah We'll put a whole bunch of really coming down on this you know real a lot of real poppy kind of team stuff

Anyway, the rain hasn't fallen as fast. I won't be going as fast up this high Exactly, but I think that that this homeless guy also I've called this squatters on the roof Sure That this guy has this life where he does kind of, you know, he went, he dared go to the top of this roof because he believes in having the best. You know, probably, I mean, he's probably very windy up there and it's actually really unpleasant.

It would be hell, it would be so cold, that you'd be in amongst the clouds a lot of the time. But he's still one of the... The building sways. Yeah, and he lot of the time. But he stole one of the... The building sways. Yeah, and he stole one of the... Or he found one of the best tents, one of those kind of tents that you would use on Everest. You know what, Base Camp? The best.

You know, one of those like, you know, they're almost like a geodizic dome. He's up there hammering the pegs into the concrete. To the concrete. To that thin roof. They're poking through. Yeah. It's just like a single layer of plasterboard. And the people who run the building, they won't do anything about it for some reason. Maybe it's the body corporate's daughter's boyfriend. Yeah. I don't know. He just, he keeps saying he's going to do something about it. Yeah. Then he does a little. With plenty of growth opportunities and often, flexible work environments, go to mycomputercareer.edu

and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time, mycomputercareer.edu. You know, um, uh, Elmock first and was the body. Yeah. Um, who do you think is the body corporate? Let's see.

There's somebody who looks like a real pure croc. A pure, I say I said, pure croc, but that's not what I meant. Yeah, all right. Pure crat, of course, from the French bureau. Yeah, bureau meaning desk. Desk, and crat. And bureau, I think it also means office. Right.

And crat, I guess it makes you start making you think that bureau crat might be a German word. Maybe. And Bonneau-Bieu-Bieu-Card, I don't know. Crat. Crat is another great single that will learn the single. German word maybe Correct Single little word And then you wouldn't put it off the TV You call car I don't know It was good though. I love to I love to analyze French words with you. Yeah, don't be too

Start a my failure a secondary podcast, analyse French. French with the failing Frenchie. Failing Frenchie. Yeah, a feeding Frenchie. A fading Frenchie. Yes, we try and ring the last little bits of French out of you like one would a tuber toothpaste. God, I had such a toothpaste triumph recently. Found this old, tuba toothpaste at the back of the cupboard in the bathroom. How old? I don't know, I don't know, but it had a really strange flavor.

One that I'm like, don't even know if this was like a flavor that they used to use and they've stopped using or a flavor that has just gone off. Did you bring it or was it just from a previous order of the house? No, I think we'd brought it, but I think it was one of those ones that has just been carried around with you from house to house when you move. It was an oral B tube with a screw cap, you know, like the dark ages.

Wow, screw. Yeah. And, you know, it had been seen in there for ages and I'm like, I am going to finish this tube of toothpaste. And I went at of toothpaste. Wow. And I went at it hard, you know, for maybe a... If you've been sort of double, double spreading... Double, double squirt and yeah.

Nice. Both ends of the toothbrush that kind, all the way down. Put the whole toothbrush in your mouth. I do. Yeah. And I just finished it off yesterday. Got the last little drags out of it. And you emptied it like you would empty a normal one?

Yeah. You would go into this just nothing. Oh yeah. Because I wasn't going to go this old tube and then give up when there was still a little bit in there. I got every remaining molecule. Is there any aspect of the tubing that was kind of yellowed? No. No, it wasn't per kind of yellowed? No, no. It wasn't

perished in any way. Okay, yeah. So, but maybe it was a tube of toothpaste you fell on the ground. It really could have been. Yeah. Do you ever eat anything you find on the ground? I walked past a whole box of musely yesterday. I was like, man, the shelves are empty right now. Yeah, we cannot get wheat bicks for our boys can't get oats and I'm gonna get this Well if I see it on the ground sure, but I mean you could like you could walk you know two 300 meters away like a civilized Supermarket trick and trick and then It's like a civilized super market. Drinking the... Yeah, a lot of the shelves are getting restacked.

A lot of the rush is coming. So we go through it. That was our second world war. Well, you know, Andy, I think there's still... I don't know, all the fuss was about that. Yeah, no, I think there's a bit more, but... But I think we've gotten through the initial rush, although, you know, there's more talk of lockdowns now,

so we are in the office. We've gotten through the initial rush, although there's more talk of lockdowns now. We are in the office in Utopia in Hell. We love our jobs by the way. Yeah, we do. That's not hell. This is what I was going to propose before when I was going to go on that rant when you were talking about Utopia in hell, right? It is, you know how people talk about, oh, it never comes home because he's married

to his work or something like that. What if your work did really go out of its way to seduce you? You know, really like, you know. Yeah, my work is my girlfriend. Yeah, well, it wasn't initially, and I tried to resist, but then it was like it was always bringing me treats and making that real sexy in there. My work knows what it's, and that's what I like, it'll get me with baked goods,

bringing me treats. Just dim, dim, dim lighting, a lot of, I don't know, tassels. Workplace just sort of gets sexier and more sensual. And then. Starting to have hooks and then the hooks start wearing little golden shields with tassels on the limb. And then you, they sort of put on the aircon so that those tassels.

Spin around. Yeah. And then, yeah, then there's like lambing tins, which, for anybody who's not Australian, it's just a square sponge cake dipped in sort of something that looks like chocolate but isn't and then covered in coconut. Sometimes it has jam in the middle. It's sort of a chocolatey icing, right, some kind, but it's very thin. It's very thin and it almost seems like it's, yeah, maybe it is Some kind, but it's very thin. It's very thin, and it almost seems like it's,

yeah, maybe it is chocolatey, but it never hardens. It's never like a, you know, I think it's like a thin chocolate liquid. Moist, yeah, it doesn't have a hard, does it? It's always kind of, you think it would harden eventually. It was, if it was really chocolate, that's why I don't like this.

But it could be like a cocoa liquid. No, but it's icing, you know? Is it icing? With some kind of icing. Yeah, it's sweet, it's got chocolate in it. It's a glaze, call it a glaze. But it doesn't really, I guess because the sponge is so porous that it, you know, it just, it deeply envelops it and there's not enough left on the outside,

because it's not shiny. No, but then it is also covered in coconut. But what I'm trying to work out is why doesn't the sponge, you know, do what it says on the label and suck away that moisture from that outer layer? I still think that that should be drier than it is, though, that icing that remains moist. Mm. It should be drier. Well, I think That icing that remains moist. It should be drier.

Well, I think it is. I think it's as dry as it can. I think it spreads it as far away from the edges as it can. Right, but you think that it's moist the whole way through. I think if the sponge is itself moist, you know, it's like, that's a difference between it. It's saturated. A sponge and a sponge is that it's one sponge, you sell it dry so that it can absorb

the maximum amount of liquid in the other one. You're still, you know, even though it has some sponge like quality. You still also want it to be a cake and have some moistness. Because you don't want it to absorb all the moisture from your mouth. How good is that sort of liquid that, you know,

say you've been using a kitchen sponge for, I don't know, four or five months. And the kind of liquid that you're ringing out of it, that it's always kind of slightly slimy, you know, whatever you're getting out of it after that four or five month barrier, that's the nectar of the gods, isn't it? Yeah, well, it's kind of, I guess it's just the one step up from garbage water. Yeah, it's bench water. Man, we're not spending any more time, and we're not spending any time away from home other than right now, and I've managed to miss two garbage pickups. Oh, no! I lost it. Like, in a row.

In a row. That, that is, and we're on those tiny bids now. That is trouble in hell. That is. That is. That is acid falling on your flesh and. And you and the devalunt getting on anymore. So that's no good. I think we got to go to three words from a listener. Nothing good plays me more. As you know, there are angels, Andy, angels on earth here that have possibly they've fallen from heaven, but they could be natural born angels who invest in our Patreon to support us, either $3 in order so that they can suggest three words for a sketch or eight dollars so they can get all the bonus things, you know, all the sci-fi

try guys and all the teleport episodes where we worked. Which we got to upload a whole lot for this month by the way. I think we did want to be beginning of this month. I think we did and I think I lost it. I think you uploaded it. Did you want to lose it? I can check did and I think I lost it. I think you uploaded it. Did you upload it? I can check, but I... I thought I'd remember seeing you.

Oh God, you feel real bad. No, I think you already uploaded it. Maybe I uploaded it. Yeah. Oh, that'd make me feel better, actually. And then, yeah, and so today, three words from a listener. It's from listener Adam Trageer.

Adam. Hello Adam. Trageer. Hello. Trageer. I always think of a hiking company. It's sort of like Trek gear. I think of like a really well-made backpack when I hear your name Adam. Sure. And when I hear your name, I just hear you. You know I hear you, I hear who you really are. And I feel like I know you. Because I know that you are heard. You are heard. And I'm definitely hearing these words right here. And if you want to guess, I think I've actually mentioned them just so that I could check that they haven't been said already.

Yeah, but as you know, I forget everything in you. And as you know, we may have both forgotten and already done these words. Palm as in? No. They're all one syllable words. Oh, was one of them guts? Yes. Yeah, okay.

Guts. Gym? Hmm. Guts. Ads. Gym? Guts. Ads.

Well, you know what this is. What? Right. This is... You go... You as a person who wants to improve your body. Which I do. You know, you got a significant gut, potentially.

Yeah, whoever you are. Like as in like a beautiful punch. Exactly. And you know what that is in a gym? You go along to a gym. J-I-M. Oh, well, I'm talking about G-Y. Okay. You're going along to the gym, you go along to a gym. J-I-M. Oh, well, I'm talking about G-Y. Yeah.

OK. You're going along to the gym, right? And what you have is a bit of real estate that is going to have a lot of eyes on it, right? There's a lot of fit people at the gym. Yeah. You go there, nice crop top, you get your gut out. Yeah.

They're all going to be looking at that gut. And what is that? Those eyeballs, that's an opportunity to monetize. So if I were marketing company advertising a sort of a new kind of muscle, liquid or something like a new type of muscle, we've discovered a new muscle on the human body, right? And we'll tell you how to develop it. How to bulk it up. Yeah. It's there, it's tiny. But we're gonna help you to get the most out of it.

And where are we gonna advertise? Place where people who are fit to gym going to be looking the most, it's the exposed belly of a man. It's gonna be sweating and grunting a lot, right? And get attracting a lot of attention. But while those people are looking in, what do they see? Plastered across that stomach, you know,

the hyperdeltoid company has marketing there enhanced your hyperdeltoid. Oh yeah. It seems like a brilliant video campaign. Yeah. So you have, of course, I mean, I guess along the gut is a good way to advertise like that. And that's how you're going to fund you.

What's a hyperdeltoid? It's the new muscle that I invented. Oh, I can't remember. Or discover it. Oh. OK. And so they're advertising a new muscle on a gut in gyms, which is very targeted. Yeah.

They're going to be looking at a person with a gut to judge them. And then they're going to be finding out about ways to improve themselves. So they're taking a negative thing that they're doing with somebody else. And it's turning into a positive thing. It's kind of like a clickbait, you know, it's like it like how you would see an article and you would share it because it makes you so angry Sure, right? If you are a judgmental kind of person judging somebody's body. Yeah, that's gonna get your attention and yeah, you know

You could sell your your your book on How to better judge people's bodies there you go? You know in a more cruel and evil way as well. Because I think if you were to have a book on there that you were selling that was about like body positivity, people would then look away because they would be like, well fuck you.

You know, you've really politicized. You judge my judging. Yeah, you've politicized your gut. Yeah. Right. Whereas no, you're using your gut to panda to their to their to their natural instincts. Yeah. And that's when you sell you tell you don't you don't make money by telling riding things that people are going to disagree with on your gut. Exactly. You when you cash to get the big bucks. When you preach the choir. Exactly. It's when you give those eyeballs what, you know, the sockets that they won't. Because an eyeball socket, let's not forget, Right, there can be two halves to a socket.

That's right. There's the socket that the eyeball sits in, and then there's the socket, the outer socket, that the eyeball fits into. When it sees something that it wants to look at so much, then it just... It just jumps into it. Just clicks in.

Yeah. Every eyeball is a... is a hermit crap. No, no! Or like an electron, but that could be ripped off you by a more electronegative ion. But I think that's also my ion. I've got my ion on you. I think that's why people with no eyes and their sockets are so scary is because you feel like if you get too close to them, they might take your eyeballs.

Your eyes might see them and it's going to be hard for them not to. If your eyes did keep growing over the course of your life and when they get too big for your head, they do pop out. Now, I knew you'd have it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

They roll along the ground collecting lead, no sort of disgusting stuff. But then they crawl up, they roll up the body of a person with empty eye sockets. They're tongue darts out, licks off the lint and that sort of thing and then they roll up into. Well, that's what the island is for. The island is there to just like, the ear off that, yeah, out of dusty layer. And talking about, you know, a space of the body, doing a good job at advertising and pandering to exactly the people

who are going to be looking at it, the eyes are looking at this beautiful empty real estate, possibly great in some way. I don't know why I feel like these empty sockets are great and dry, but I guess with, that makes the same less appealing. I know, but I think to an eyeball, you know that you got a, it's BYU moisture. Yeah, and it's a,

they look at it as probably as a bit of a fixer upper. Exactly, they just, they see it's a place with a bit more space Which I think for an ice-hawk it would actually be bad But I guess you know you you're thinking about you know that there's that bungee cord behind you that that plugs into the brain Oh god, I read an article about a woman who was high on ice. It was from her point of view. She was writing it about how, when she had been a massive isodic, she'd ripped out her own eyeballs.

And the description of what it felt like to pull out your own eyeballs is a thing that comes into my mind most days. Wow. It's a really great thing to just have in your brain able to bubble to the surface. Completely blind. Yeah, yeah, she got a life back on track somehow. Yeah.

God. And yeah. It's amazing. She could find it if you wanted to look it up and then share my pain of like what? Oh, you know what? What it's like to know that and to think about that. No, really, regularly.

That does feel a bit too much. Because a daily male article. Man. Oh. But you know, at least it's not one of my own regrets that I'm thinking about. Man, if I maybe get enough horrible thoughts like that into my head I can

displace all my regrets and then they like little ear that crabs can go and find somebody else's mind and necessarily. That's nice. Well a problem shared is a problem hand or at least doubled. Yeah. Well I think Andy, I think that we've managed to do it. So I think I'm going to have to take us through the sketch ideas for today. Yeah.

There's a chance that this might be the last one that we do in the same room together for a while. Maybe. We may have to start trying to find ways of doing this. Maybe it's the last one we ever do. Do you want to end the podcast now? Oh, I don't think I'm ready to officially call it. Obviously, I'm really looking forward to the trudgery of episode 300. And so I have to at least get us there. Here's our

the sketch ideas for today. A state porn. See that's one that the state makes. Let's say the BBC, which as we all know stands for the big British corporation. Corporation, yeah. Then we've got Utopia in Hell. That's that scenario where your life isn't going good at home with your partner and with your house in the

fun way that it's dripping acid on you. Boneless moment of revelation. Andy loses all his bones. Doesn't think that he'll be able to move around on land without his bones. He discovers that he can, thanks to my belief in him and my pushing him towards removing all his bones. I love that this is an autobiographical speculative biography. And that he, it's not until he had lost his bones that he realized that he actually grew a spine. You know, that kind of idea. I probably, if I were way to get them out without killing me and there was a market for bones, probably could handle having a couple less dirt or break. Yeah, so you could suck your own butthole. Yes, we got a squatter on the roof.

That's the first one who lives in the penthouse thinking that they've got the highest apartment. No, no, no, no, no. This squatter almost per swag, man. He's not a homeless person. He's got a tent. So he is not homeless. He's not a homeless person. He's got a tent. So he He's not homeless. He's 10 rich. Yeah, that's right. He's ten full Riz ten full anyway, that's nothing. I thought it was gonna be real ten full anyway

That's not even that's not any better. I know that's why I that's why I made a mistake That's why this whole thing was a mistake Yeah guy thought he was gonna be on top, but he wasn't this guy who he sees is beneath him But then maybe we'll come to learn throughout the sketch that they are equals Even if the other guy has a slightly higher position, that altitude doesn't mean being better than someone else. And what does? Length.

I guess getting to live in a very expensive place for a smaller amount of money probably makes you better. And why I kind of think that? I kind of think that if you can get by with less money, you're better. Yeah, but if you get to live in a more expensive area, Oh, yeah, don't leave. That's even better than that. Because I mean, you could get by on less money by living sort of in the desert.

Yeah. Yeah. But then you might not be able to get by, but it'd be a cost less. That being a billionaire who's living paycheck to paycheck. Right. You're spending so much money. Yeah. but it'd be a little cost less. That being a billionaire who's living paycheck to paycheck, right, you're spending so much money, yeah. This is probably just describing most entertainers, most really rich people with problems.

Who knows, he's a poor guy. You know, you get a million dollars at the start of the fortnight and then you're really hanging out for the next million dollars that comes in. I got a, I got a billion a day. Coke have. I guess there'd be ways you could try and find it. You could have somebody, you know, you could have each individual grain of cocaine. Yes.

Delicately placed into your nose by, you know, I guess somebody, like, you know, each one of the lakers or something like that. Each one, each individual like a. Yeah. You've got newly married to your work. Some person who wasn't married to their work was seduced by their work. Firstly, into making it their mistress, and then eventually leaving their wife. And marrying.

And then we've got gut ads for new muscle, or a book on how to judge people in a more cruel way, or eye socket ads for eyeballs. But the empty eye socket is itself an ad for the free real estate. That's what you know, in the eye socket world, you don't need those real estate signs because the eye knows what it's looking at. I wonder if you could get one of your eyes. Two eyes, your two eyes could go off separately, to separate heads. It would be pretty tragic for not.

Oh yeah, that would be really sad to separate the pair. Yeah. And each, they don't, but they, they, they, they not only lose a friend, but they also lose a dimension. Hmm. Anyway. Unless they go team up with another eye. Yeah.

I guess they don't really gain anything because the eye itself doesn't see the other, the full image. Yeah. Well, I think actually probably the two eyes don't even know about the other eye. Do you think? Because I guess they don't see each other. Except in a mirror. And.

But in a world where there's no mirror. Yes. And reflection doesn't have. In a world with no mirrors, the one-eyed man is his eye, feels the same way as all the other eyes, because they all think that they're the only eye in the head. That's right. Doing all the work.

Except for when they look at other people and see two eyes. Sure, but even then they might not know. But maybe they're the only two-eyed person. Yeah. And everybody else has a cyclops. Yeah, Okay. In the world of cyclopses, the two-eyed person. Yeah. Who doesn't have hands so that they can feel that there's two eyes. Yes. Very good. No, but it's not a question of whether or not they know. Oh, yeah. To whether the eyes know. Well, let's, that information can't get to the eyes.

What if the brain can talk to the eyes and tell it things? Well, I wonder if the hands can talk directly to the eyes without involving the brain, because I think if you were the brain, you'd try and keep it secret. Yes. That there. That there are two eyes. Oh, right. And that the hands can talk to the directly to the eyes.

I definitely wouldn't want them knowing that. How's this podcast going by the way? I think it's getting better. OK. All right. I think that's the end of the point, Joe. And boom, Joe, boom, Joe, boom, Joe, boom, Joe, Joe, boom, Joe, boom, Joe, boom, Joe, boom,

Joe, boom, Joe, boom, Joe, boom, Joe, boom, Joe, boom, Joe, boom, Joe, boom, Joe, boom, Joe, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, Elastay, I love it. I love it. L-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l- speeches. I was just giving it a go to see whether or not if I thought I could I could make it as a politician. That's great. You know, and sort of construct a coherent and I've bullshit. I pretended to ask myself questions and then answer them. But what should we do to better society? Well, yeah. That kind of thing. Anyway, maybe I'll start a new podcast where I just give political speeches You just pick you just pick a time at a topic a time a place and a then a topic But I think if you the time and place would kind of dictate the topic so you are like a time and place like you mean like where I'm giving the speech

Like I could be outside of Germany 1942 You see I Think instead of you have a good idea about what you're going to be talking about Be weird for you to kind of show up and start talking about measles. Yeah Although that still would have been relevant. I'm sure not all of Hitler's speeches were about Hitler type stuff.

It would have been some stuff where he was just addressing, you know, hospital funding. Yeah. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast. We are on Twitter. I am at two, we are at Two in Tank. I'm at Alistair TV. I'm at Stupid Old Andy. And podcast. We are on Twitter. I am at two, no, we are at two in tank. I'm at Alistair TV. I'm at Stupid Old Andy.

And you can review us on iTunes. That means a lot. You can support the Patreon. This is the first episode that we've done since the Comedy Festival got canceled. Oh, Comedy Festival got canceled. Yeah, so sorry if you came to our show tonight. Yeah.

No, our show doesn't start until two days from now, but it's cancelled. But in a different reality. But my solo show couldn't be more thrilled with everything, starts tonight. But it's cancelled. But it's cancelled. But it could be still going and if you're hearing this in a different reality. Yes. If this is slipped through a wormhole. Yeah. The moment the only thing that slips through wormholes, there's worms. There you go. Yeah, okay. Space ships.

Vessels. Interprises. But I guess that maybe worms themselves are actually just very futuristic space ships. Today, my son Finn, look at me and said, daddy, how do balloons work? And I was like, I couldn't be more proud. I feel like he's one step closer to asking the big question. How do whales work?

It is. It's very. I said, did you think of that question? Where did you? Wait, is that your question? Did you see that on a thing? He said a snail taught me to ask it. So I don't know what's going on. Curious, sir. Curious, sir. And we love you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates.

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