Two In The Think Tank - 228 - "HOT DRINK DISCO"

Episode Date: April 7, 2020

Sketches will be forthcomingThanks to Harry's for supporting this episode! Visit harrys.com/thinktank for a SPECIAL SHAVING DEAL!Hey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereI genuinely can't thank George enough for fixing this monstrosity Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Alistair, you might not know this, but humans have been shaving for thousands of years and I was there. This is a really humorous take on that thought starter. They are about about Harry's ads, but imagine if that person who's been shaving for thousands of years was just one guy who's having a long shave. That's funny. You know? That's right. Maybe he found a genie.

Yeah. What? Really just to see how you pull this together, Elle. He had a genie. He found a genie who wanted to help him with some business idea where he got to live for a long time and look clean shave and he was going for the record on the longest period of time clean shave and that's what the Jeannie wanted

and he needed a human to be able to enter because that was part of the year. That was part of the criteria. Okay, so the Jeini has somehow got involved in it's some sort of like a, it's a competition that the Gini wants to end. Right, some sort of maybe a shaving company is offering this as a promotion and I guess the Gini thinks that this is his opportunity to win a large quantity of raises or something like that.

Yeah, he thinks he thought, oh, a long distance, an endurance contest on who can be clean, shaven for the longest. I feel like I'm really well positioned to win this. But he can't enter himself. So instantly, he loses all of the advantage that he would normally have just being a GD, right? And instead of just magic-ing up a lot of razors or just magic-ing it's so that he doesn't he doesn't need to shave at all. He finds a patty to enter this competition for him, yeah? Yeah. a patty to enter this competition for him, yeah? And then offering him like a packet of razors.

Yep, okay, he'll get his cut, right? And in order to win this competition, he extends the lifespan of this one guy to thousands of years. That's right. That's right, okay. And then at the end of that thousands of years period, the journey gets a lifetime supply of rises.

That's right. From this company, which now would be a huge conglomerate or a distant memory or nothing that's put dust in a desert. But if they're still going, if he's extended, I assume that he's extending this human's life on a one-year basis, like a, or, you know, or it's like a four-year lease. Okay. Sure.

So long as they still haven't won. So there must be either some other genie who is entering another genie. What the scenario doesn't need is a second genie. Well, or like a vampire is passing as a human and is doing a really good job of things. So And so that's why they after thousands of years the competition they still haven't bailed because They still think that they could win this. Yeah, absolutely taught me around and you know if there is one and then wait and then to to win it He eventually just has to convince the other competitor maybe of empire to go move to another planet And that's the only way because they realize it's a deadlock. Yeah. Yeah. He's got his infinite genie magic

and the vampire Will just live forever so long as there are humans to drink the blood of. And that genie, he really wants those raises. He's sick of waiting. And I tell you what, if there was a shaving company that I would bet will still be around in a thousand years time, it's Harry's. And if you go to harries.com for a slash think tank, you can a glimpse a taste of just of just why that might be and Remember this is the 15 second tease at the start of the episode

Okay, you ready? Yeah Rinking dink and I gotta think it what that guy doing over there. What's that guy doing to his hair? What's that guy got arms his face? He's shaving his hair with a razor from space. It's Harry's dot com for slash think tanks new earth or geostationary shaving satellite and they will shave your hair from space from a low earth or but using a a a a col-linear laser. That's not the end, that's not true. And I'll say how you go in. I'm doing good. I'm just writing down,

Ginny wants to win a stay clean shave in contest. It's not often that you get a sketch idea before the song. That's that's what you know we're we're on to something. That's when you know we're firing. Yes. I was thinking about this Lissata light laser shaver that you were discussing. Yeah.

And and my thinking was, you see, so just as an idea, it's not a sketch yet, right? Okay. It's like a laser that shaves you, and it's maybe, and maybe it is being shot from Germany, maybe, you know? And it bounces off of that every factory. From the every factory, that's where they decided

to install the laser on the roof. And to promote it, they've mounted a production of laser on the roof. It was Fiddler on the roof, but it's with just a big laser instead. And they've they've every time it mentions a Fiddler or Jewish culture, it just kind of Fiddler is replaced with laser and Jewish culture is replaced with light. This is amazing because I was just saying, I don't know anything about fiddler on the roof

except that it's called fiddler on the roof. And now you've brought in an extra fact, which is that it's something to do with Jewish culture. And I'm more of what I'll be interested to though is if you have even one more additional fact. Yeah there's this I think there's a song because I guess if I were a rich man I would fiddle on the roof every single day I would fiddle on my roof all the time fid fiddle on my fiddling roof. If I were a laser, which I am.

I love how one of the rules of comedy is that if you get into a riff about a topic, you use every single fact that you know about that topic. you use every single fact that you know about that topic. Cause you're trying to create this little bubble of authority, this little false bubble of authority. And so the way that you do that is by dumping every single thing that you might, that might possibly count for knowledge about that out as quickly as possible

in the hope of fooling whoever's listening into thing. All this person knows what they're talking about. I don't have to question anything else that they'll say and then bam, you're hit him with some sort of little twist or comedy punch line. That's right. That's right. It's the factoid dump that comes before I um, that's what I call my butt. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, okay, so it's not just a laser that comes from a satellite

that shapes you because there's also a competing company that uses a laser from a satellite to do laser hair removal. Okay, and so that's more permanent. Yeah. It's more expensive, but you won't, and it hurts. But, but you don't have to get it done as often. Yeah, thank God. I made a match if you had to get it done as often. Yeah, thank God. I mean imagine if you had to get it done more.

No, despite it coming from the sky, these aren't from God. Yeah. But that's what you would call it, though, isn't it? Thank God. Yeah, thank God. You'd call itite laser hair removal. I mean, I wonder if we could somehow get God involved. You know, like say you did have a satellite.

Say, okay, say you have a satellite in orbit, right? But nobody else knows about satellites. All right. And what you choose to do, you've got the, you put the first satellite in orbit and you do have this This hair removal laser on the satellite, okay? And the way in which you choose to deploy this this technology is to convince everybody that you that there is a God Okay, and that you can you can room and you can remove anybody's hair That you choose to. It would appear to the poor, simple folk, the peasants, subsisting off the land, that you did have this God-like power.

But I wonder how long it would be before the peasants started to notice that you couldn't actually do much else. You're very limited. I'm a little bit. Save their, better their own. Yes. And how long would you author, until your authority, your power over them began to wane.

And, you know, while you could still strike all the hairs from their head, or, you know, they're up a lip or something like that, they would no longer fear you. Yeah, I guess if you did a full animal right in front of them, that would again, I mean, again, they would go, well, again, this is another hair one. It would be nice to see you, you know, expand, you know, widen your net a little bit. I like the idea. I think that's a good idea. A God who is limited in power.

Like I don't know if there are any, like are all gods sort of omnipotent? Or are they all? Oh, I think there must be, yeah, I think there's limits. I think there is limits. Right. And there's probably these like gods are war and things like that. They must have like a jurisdiction. But like the gods of war, right? I think maybe God, Godliness, war is sort of like their specialty,

but I think they could probably, I reckon they are kind of like still a jack of all trades. Like they could, you know, turn you into a statue of gold or something like that. Like it might not be as good as, you know, your standard omnipotent god statue of gold. But I reckon they give it a, they do you up one, you know? Yeah, okay. And I guess it's sort of just like being a general practitioner, then you specialize a little bit in your nose and throat. Yeah.

Exactly. There is also the idea that, yeah, well, I think also with the God thing, is that if God was running these lasers, right, it would kind of look like, you know, with him with his long hair and his beard and stuff like that. He's just shooting people and taking their hair off. And he would look like, sort of like a scrooge McDuck, like a guy with money who just is trying to make sure that nobody else could have hair. Like a guy with lots of hair. It was like, I want to be the only guy with hair. Yeah, and he's got everybody else bald.

And he's got a big room full of hair that he dives into and swims around. Yeah, and when people who he's interested in sexually or who might be interested in him sexually arrive in heaven, they're all like, oh my god, look at that big luscious head of hair. I haven't seen somebody with that much hair since I've saw a baby. It goes weird babies that's born with lots of hair right before he goes and shaves it. Yeah. What was your idea?

I don't know. My idea was anything at all. I mean, I had that original idea of you have this hair removal laser and you use it to try and convince people that you're a god. You know, like it could be that you travel back in time with your hair removal laser due to some sort of freak accident or maybe you go to a different planet or even you just try and interact with some sort of lost tribe and you're trying to convince them of your power of deities.

You know, maybe when people come to do prayers or whatever and they pray to your Lord, you try and sort of massage their prayers and guide them towards praying for things that basically involve having less hair on various bits of their body. In the full knowledge that you can't actually help with anything else, but then after a while they start

say, well, I think it might be something else. You know, I might want more. You have to confront the fact that, you know, they confront you about your inadequacies. I think it's really beautiful. Yeah. Yeah, you're gonna run it down. I heard it. It's already written down. I told you about it.

You were talking for you were talking for such an extended period of time. I really had a chance to sort of write out a whole paragraph. No, thank God. It was good. Yeah, you know, it's just because I I guess you can't see me know what I'm writing things down. And so you're stand, you just, sort of sit there uncomfortable. I just free will, you know?

Yeah, that's okay. Thanks, yeah. I mean, if there was an animal that, was that? No, no, you go. If there was an animal that humans should strive to be more like, is there one that comes to mind? Well, the first thing that I thought of was those goats that climb up really, really, really steep mountains

with nothing but their little hooves. And then when they're up there, smash their heads against each other. I don't know why that came to mind, but I do think that... But just sort of putting ourselves in more kind of compromising sort of positions and then being violent towards each other? Well, here's an observation that there is no combat version of rock climbing. And I think that that is sort of the next thing, isn't it?

Because at the moment we've gone regular rock climbing with ropes, etc. You know, where the ropes are already there, then they went to that one where you take the rope up and you've got to sort of attach it as you go up. And then they went to that other one where you have no ropes at all and you just sort of climb. And now I think the- Free climbing. Free climbing, right?

And then I think the next one is that, but there's two of you and you're trying to push each other off. Yeah, sure. And so we back on ropes though? No, no ropes. No ropes. So this is just free climbing. Yes. Rope free. Because I guess, I mean, you could. So this is just free climate. Yes

Rope free because I guess I mean you could imagine that there already exists a combat absailing. Yes I think so with the swinging and the banging yeah, yeah I mean and but you know what there there should be one way you throw like slime at the other person and like really slip up the wall Like slippery it up. So as they're putting down their foot, then they slide, they hit their face on the wall. I think that could be fun. I think I've seen a lot of like a lot of sports have got like a movie sort of that sort of explores that kind of thing, you know, where you're like, you'll have real dirty real dirty competitors in some kind. But I haven't seen that done with rock climbing.

And I think, I mean, I don't know what the movie Cliffhanger is about. Maybe that? Surely, I mean, surely there's no battles out there. A Sylvester still on movie. It's about the growth of the self. That's right. The only battle is between him and's about the growth of the self. That's right. The only battle is between him and the wall. Him and the mountain.

But I think between him and gravity. I think I think I think. So free climbing battle. Free climbing. It's full contact rock climbing. And full contact free club. Yeah. And we could introduce in the movie

that we're making about this. Some sort of evil character who does have like a little back pack that shoots slime or something like that. Or he spits on your fingers or something to try and make it. Oh, yeah. That's why he's got a really accurate spit. I mean, I hate it. And he can sit right on the end of your fingers

and he uses that power to try to convince you that he's God. I will put this out there, Alistair. And I'm sorry about this. But in a way, the human body already does have a kind of a gun that shoots slime, at least the male body. And if okay, Alistair, I'm onto something here, because if everybody came into existence fully formed in human bodies, but with no knowledge of the use of any of the parts of the bodies and no understanding of sex. I

think you would really struggle to come to a logical explanation for the existence of the penis and its erectile and its goop shooting functions. I strongly think that you would hypothesize that that existed to shoot slime at your enemies while you are free climbing. I mean, say it's day one. Yes. Day one, everyone around their bodies. He went to arrival day one. You somehow in the first couple of hours. Get into a competitive, rock-a-roll.

Come across. Come across. So that, yeah. Well, for my first, become unbelievably familiarized with your erect penis. Yes. Get a real idea for the functioning of the sexual organs and its purpose.

And then you get involved in a full contact rock cloning competition. And then you use this knowledge to slime up somebody else's I guess, foothold. Correct. They slip. They smash their face. Yeah. I think they probably die. Let's be honest. And then well, yeah, they probably died, depending on how high up you do it. I guess they haven't invented mats yet. Yeah. Probably they're too busy inventing the rock climbing wall. And they just being around themselves with their penis. Yes. Yeah, no, I mean, I'm totally into that.

Okay, right. Yeah, I mean, I've got full contact free climbing. I think it would also work for me if you were allowed like throwing knives and yeah, they're just stars and stuff. Yeah, I suppose so. I mean, it feels like it's if you're not allowed ropes and that sort of thing, it feels like bringing in non, you know, weapons and that is kind of going against the spirit of the thing. But so I guess this idea, so let's say once, you know, let's think a week ahead, right? They're, they're sort of in the second season of this competition. Yeah.

Or maybe the 12 season, they might be going through one season every competition every day. Yeah. Everybody knows all of the tricks now. Everybody's using the ejaculate trick. And then everybody's realized you can also spit to make the people's hands, as well as you know fight and things like that. But imagine that when everybody realizes they could, they're just gonna be going and like kind of getting close to each other. And then it's going, like that.

Two people just spitting at each other. Maybe one's moving away while the other one's applying pressure, but just spitting at each other, just trying to, you know, loosen each other's grip. Yeah, sounds good. Correct. I think it'd be great. I think it's gonna be Yeah, sounds good. Correct. I think it'll be great. I think it's gonna be great, but it's just great to think ahead.

Because you know, this is kind of like what happened with UFC, right? The first... Did they? UFC won't. Is spitting allowed in UFC? No, I don't think so. No, no, no, no.

I mean, this wasn't, this is not specific to spitting. Yeah. But it was that the whole idea at the beginning was like, let's get all these different martial arts and fighting styles to fight against each other. Let's get ourselves this like sumo guy and put him up against a boxer. Let's get this like Kung Fu master

and put him up against a wrestler. And then, the first guy who won that thing was Like a Brazilian jiu-jitsu guy who could grapple and wrestle Right, and it turned out that all these fighting styles were useless unless you could you learn how to defend against Getting grappled. Yep, and making the guy making you submit That was the nuclear bomb of... Yeah, and then everybody had to learn how to... So now you can't, like you can't enter this without knowing how to do all that shit

being all rounder. Yeah. And so that's the same thing, but with spitting on the wall thing. Now you were talking about how often they change the rules of the competition in this rock climbing competition, but I'm interested in general sport sort of situations and how frequently we could change the rules in any sport. And I think, personally, I think at least once per game I think there should be different rules. Yeah doesn't have to be big changes but I think

there should be a new rule at the start of every every every game you know Australian rules football there's a new new rule every single game, okay? And yeah, sometimes even halfway through the game a new rule comes in, right? It just gets announced. Yeah, and so what kind of rule are you thinking? Because so far, I mean, I'm not, I'm not a, I'm not a smart man, right? But my first one was like, okay, halfway through and the guy comes to your circle of buddies there and play sport with you. And they go, all right, everybody's left leg is no,

called Mark. Sorry. I'll see you later. I didn't catch that. Everybody's left leg is no, called Mark. Yeah. I mean, and that's a rule. That's a rule. Yeah, that's a rule.

Yeah. So don't break that rule. Yeah. Okay. How would you break that rule? Just to add, just sorry to put you on the spot like this, Alex, there, but how do you pick somebody violating the, your left leg is called Mark Rule in a game of AFL? What are your players goes down?

Yeah. You say to the ref, he's injured his left leg. That's an instant red card. They've also brought in red cards into this game. They put that in at the beginning. He's the red card. No, that's good. That's good.

And then you should have said, he injured Mark. I think what it is, right, is that the rules get announced in a little in ear, ear piece, right, into the players while they're playing. Everyone just hears it, right, and it's suddenly like, you know, you can't use your left leg to kick, or something like that, whatever. And then, but the audience doesn't, the audience, the crowd doesn't know what the rule is. So they're just watching, trying to guess what it is. And then that, you could, if you're the first person in the audience to shout out,

give me gotcha. Right, that means that you get to have a guess about what the new rule is, right? And then you can get a prize, like a free sandwich or something. I think we maybe have an a guess should cost $5. Okay, yeah, you're right. Otherwise, it might just get a bit disruptive of the game.

Yeah, so you can just, there's just an app. You can pay $5, you can guess what the thing is. There can even be a chat room where people can just stay and watch people guessing. And see this way, the audience is really involved. Really involved. Okay. And they're really watching, like they're really like paying

a lot of attention. And a lot of time people just wanna like put on sports so that they can drink. Not anymore, no, especially because you can also. Is on feta means so that you can stay awake and focus. And I drink of an feta means, yes. Drink up your an feta means, do you? I think a, you can put over this app,

now that you've introduced an app, I don't see why you couldn't be submitting rule ideas as well. You know, and then yours might be the one that gets randomly selected for the sport. And this way the game will evolve. And is this just one sport or we just, is the new sport? You play a sport and then well change the rules while you're playing. Is that the sport?

That's the sport. There's only one sport and the rules are constantly changing. But as in like, let's say, let's say I'm the company who like I'm the, are on the rule change league, right? The RC. The RCL. The RCL, right? And I come to you and I say,

would you like to play the RCL? This involves you playing whatever sport I'm telling you, you're playing at the beginning of the day, right? You and your team. And then I'm gonna change the rules. Or we should, like I said, you could be playing, like one day you're playing Fresby, the next day you're playing Aussie Rules football, right?

And then I'm changing the rules, or do you think it should just be one sport? I think we don't have, in the whole world, there's only one sport now, right? but It starts out with a certain set of rules at the start of the season and by the end of the season This sport is unrecognizable Right, that's cool. You like that. There'd be so much comment to commentate on

There'd be so much to discuss in those before the game shows and that sort of thing Talking about how the how the players are adapting, you know, speculating about what could be to come. I don't watch a lot of sport, Alistair, but I think that this might get me interested. Yeah. I mean, I've never managed to get my head around that. It's only one sport that's changed. Exactly. So, anyway, that's a sketch idea. I know, I liked it.

I think also people would try and predict what the next rule changes would be based on the kind of ideas that have just come. Because we've seen something like this. So you know, we've seen a few things in changing the shape of the ball and the number of legs you're allowed to use. So we're thinking that the next thing will ball and the number of legs you're allowed to use

so we're thinking that the next thing will probably be the arm region what will be time-based. Of course what they don't realize is that it's it's totally random. There is no there is no logic or rhyme or reason. The people the people who came up with this thing are very lazy and they just they wrote a program at the beginning of all this Mm-hmm And they just they just press a button that it just runs and everything yeah, they just have to read it out But they rake they're raking it in the only one sport not tuned back in they don't watch it They're just they're too busy diving into their pool full of hair

pool full of God hair. God hair. I reckon if you could get one hair off God's head, you could probably use that to floss your teeth for life. You'd never need to replace that. Depending on how thick it is though. I don't think it would be very thick. I mean, how thick do you think God's hair is?

Well, I mean, God might be huge, and so his follicles might be way bigger. Oh, God. I never thought about that. He says, like, is like his thick as your wrist or something like that. Yeah. Oh, yuck.

Cause God's from a long time ago, so he's probably megafonder. Yeah, possibly, but I don't think even megafonder had really thick hairs on their body. We don't know that. No, you're right, I don't know that. No, you're right. I don't know that. And now that I've said it, I'm realizing that the

spines of a hedgehog or something like that are hairs, aren't they? They're just like evolved hairs that are just really, really thick. I think it's a real shame to think that you couldn't run your hand through God's luscious hair though. Well, you might still be able to, you know, each strand might just be as thick as your finger. Yeah, but that I don't think you can run it through. It wouldn't be the same.

It would be sort of like a box of twigs or something, you know, You could do it by actually running. You could run it in amongst it. Not just run your hand. Like it's like it's a cornfield. Yes, you can be chaste by the rain. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful. Is that is that is that anything? Well, I guess there's a few things there, but God's hair and running through God's hair. That you know, you do scamper about on his scalp and I guess he wouldn't he wouldn't have a lot of so flaking skin or anything like that. Like it would be I guess it could be it's a sketch about somebody getting to meet God.

And then having to deal with the reality of it, firstly he's huge and it's not all that practical to get the talk to him because he's so far most of the time with these and that, but then he's also got a lot of people going for his attention. Then they're all running all over his body. Maybe we are the lies. You know, and he's scratching and writhing around as we run around through his hair and fall into his skin pores and that sort of thing. It'd be hell for him.

Yeah. Oh, absolutely. And then he's got all those people who are praying. So coming to him via some telekinesis kind of thing. You're right. So he'd be hearing voices in his head, scratching in his body, shouting about like little creatures that are getting under his skin.

God would in many ways be like a meth addict. That's right, exactly. So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that.

So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that.

So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I think about that. So, I mean, we're born similar, but we have to work our way towards looking exactly like him by taking meth. Yes. Is that a sketch? Is that any of this made of sketch?

It's got to be something in there, LSD. Oh, you said about meeting God and the impracticalities of it. No, I think there's a world to explore there, and I like it a lot. Does God have a butthole? the impracticalities of it. No, I think I think I think there's a world to explore there and I like it a lot. Does God have a butthole? Oh, definitely. Yeah. Yeah. And you would get to know it intimately when you're running around his body. I guess he could be so big that he has his own gravity that you could sort of walk on him

like the outside of a spaceship when you've got like magnet boots. Mm, yeah, well he'd be sort of like a planet. Because I mean, it would make sense that God, like because of the size of the universe, that if God created the universe, that he's actually quite big and it's just, it's not that much bigger than him. Mm-hmm, I can't.

Like, or it's like, or for him, it's like a room. And that we're just kind of like, you know, the stuff that he probably can't even really notice, like germs for us. Well, I think then, I like the idea that in heaven, we go, heaven is just God's body, and we do sort of subsist on it like parasites and he doesn't know that we exist.

But we are running around and eating his skin flakes and that sort of thing and sucking his blood maybe. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, you like somehow we have a party and it's like his nipple getting infected Exactly Yeah, and so then he's like he's just got a really Really big boy along his nipple It's get all pussy This is

This is a little close to home for me Why? Because this is exactly what happened to me when I got that boil on my nipple. That was really pussy. Well, that was probably just, you know, God. Or a bunch of little gods partying or... Oh, that was a little... Are you working way too hard for way too little?

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All of you, well that's a big god, I mean it does really point towards the existence of a little god. Does it, is that how things work, is it, is that how? I reckon it's going to God's all the way down. Yeah. And if you get a God small enough, that's what a genie is. Also, sorry, but it just reminded me that the genie thing before, do you think that there's any,

is anybody's ever done a cartoon where it's like, there's a, it's a genie goes, he's a doctor and he's got a, he's got a lamp up him. And he's got a rubb him to somehow get it out. It's a genie goes, he's a doctor and he's got a lamp up him. And he's got a rub him to somehow get it out. It's a lamp out. What? What? So the genie has a lamp up him.

Yeah, inside of it. In his butt. I guess so, I guess. Yeah. I don't know exactly where. And the, and the, and the doctor has to rub the genie to get the lamp out of the genie. Yeah, so I don't know. If there's a place that where something can get stuck,

that where rubbing would help to get it out. OK, so it'll be in the penis. Well, that's one possibility, one of many. David, the other one. I don't know under your eyelid or something. I guess that'd be more like, get God to make your eye blink rather than rub it, but it could be, you know, former rubber. So, and then what happens once you've got the lamp out of the genie,

just the lamp grant you three wishes or something like that? Well, if you rub that, the genie will, you know, he's hope, he's powerless to stop you from asking for wishes. Okay, yes, but I suppose so. But I thought, you know, I thought maybe the lamp will be so relieved. Say it was in the genius but hole. The lamp will be so relieved to be released that it might grant your wishes. Yeah, we're three night, three nights, day inside the lamp. What about a genie who doesn't have any magic, right? He's in a lamp.

Yeah. Right. You, um, he does come out of the lamp when you rub it. But then you can, and you can make the wishes. And he's just a real people pleaser. And he will absolutely do his best to make it happen. Yeah. Via just whatever means or it is disposal. and he will absolutely do his best to make it happen. Yeah. Viadjunk. It's just a, whatever means or it is disposal.

But. This is our new show. It's called Real Genie. Yeah, okay. I like it. I think it's a sketch on you. Yeah, I know I've already written down Real Genie. Yeah, okay, great. And I mean, it almost feels like it's just a reality show.

It feels like it feels like Thorpe's Angels or whatever. There was some show like that where it's like, I mean, undercover angels. Was it undercover angels? Yeah, whatever not to cover angels. Be hard to put Thorpe undercover though, wouldn't it? Like he's got such a distinctive face. And those feet You'd you'd you'd you'd do facial prosthetics on him or something like that and then he'd he'd show up to You've mentioned enough you've mentioned enough facts about Thorpey that I feel like you're an authority on yeah Thank you he'd show up to fix your letterbox or whatever it is that was wrong in your life and then you'd take one look at those Those slappers, and you be like,

Thorpey? Thorpey is that you? Size 14, you're kidding me. It's 14 feet. I mean, that's a gift enough, but look, this guy, real Jeannie, he's just a regular guy, right? And then, but people's wishes are still like,

I wanna be immortal I would like to have you know like I would like my wallet like I would like to have a billion dollars in my pocket in every time I take money out that money The more like that money gets filled up again. Yeah,, then I think the genie he goes out and he robs a bank or something like that or an arm and truck. Well, maybe, yeah, but then also you have to make like, if you, there's also that sort of devil, you know, like watch out for what you wish for, because then you do put the metastinari on which that happens. So maybe you have to like sew them to the machinery of the national mint.

Oh, interesting. So then you have to just walk. This genie with no magic still manages to give you these sort of ironic twists on the thing that you desire. Yeah. Possibly that, you know, look, that might be, that might be an element too far, but then that might be exactly the element too far that we need to bring this thing to its logical conclusion.

I'll take it. Thank you, Alex. It's, it's going to be like a three scenario. It's kind of thing. The last one is somebody asking for it to not be able to die. How are we going for a sketch idea? Is it time for an idea from a listener or a weird one? Yeah, but hang on a minute.

It just wasn't quite finished. Oh, sorry. He, the guy says, I want to not be able to die. And so what do you do? How would you do that? Do you know? He'd kill him straight away as the wish granting act. You go, your wish is my command and you kill him

and then he can't be killed. You see? Yeah, yeah. Because there can't be killed. Yeah, yeah. Because there has to be something. It's not quite perfect, is it? Because he was able to die, but only once. He didn't wish to be, I wish I could. I wish to be alive.

Nobody died before the wish was granted. Okay. The wish was, he granted. The wish was great. He granted him his wish in killing him. Yeah. So when the moment the moment he launched his consciousness disappeared into the ether, that was when he was granted. Look, it's it's good enough for Genie logic.

I'll take it. Real Genie. Yeah. I dream because the guy could be really lazy. He's really lazy, but he's definitely going to make your wish come true. Okay. Three words from... Oh, before I go to three words from a listener, just by the way, so many people have been signing up to the Patreon recently.

Thank you, everybody. So, gosh darn much. It Patreon recently. Thank you, everybody. So, gosh darn much. It's incredible. Thank you so much. Anything doesn't even know how many messages I've been getting recently of this happening, but he still finds it incredible. That's how much power it's having. There's a new sci-fi guy's up.

Oh, there's a new sci-fi try guys for anybody who's supporting our patreon also Listener Tommy Jedwards if that is his real name. Maybe it's Tommy J. Edwards Sent through an idea sketch idea, which you know it was not ours, but It's his and we thought I thought it was on par it was on par if not better than most of the things that we I thought it was on par. It was on par, if not better than most of the things that we come up with. It's certainly better. Cause your first name, you know,

on the last name basis, maybe when you first meet somebody or you know, in work, when you know somebody really well, first name basis. Well, what about middle name? Well, maybe that could be for when you're somebody's enemy, you're on a middle name basis. Thank you, Tommy Jenwards or Tommy J. Edwards. for when you're somebody's enemy, you're on a middle name basis. Thank you, Tommy Jenwards or Tommy J. Edwards. I think that's such a funny idea being on a middle name basis

with somebody. Of course, we are on a full name basis with some of our good friends, you know, saying, you know. That's right. The first and their last names. Yeah, I think Tyra Banks gets that a lot. Mm, she's one of our friends. Everybody, I think Tyra Banks gets that a lot. She's one of everybody's friends.

Everybody wants to see Tyra Banks. Hey Tyra Banks. Yeah, middle name basis. It feels like it should be somewhere on the spectrum though, like as you're going from being a colleague to being a good friend. Maybe just, you know, when on the day when someone that you work with is fired, but you will organize to catch up outside of work and stay in touch, that's the day when you can call them by their middle name, because that's when they're transitioning. They're in

their, you know, their metamorphosis. I'm not sure I'm ready for first names yet, but and then this other person's like, I'm stuck in this goddamn middle name purgatory. Mm. I don't know what's what. I mean, we're not colleagues. We're definitely not colleagues.

But we're not on a first name basis. It's almost a Jerry sign felt bit. Is it? No, I mean, not that he's done it, but it just kind of feels. It does. Oh, we're not on first name basis. I don't know. Um.

I have a sketch idea here, Adi, from David Patrick Nelson. David Patrick Nelson. For the sketch idea. For the three incredibly solid, dependable, respectable names. You have their David Patrick Nelson. Oh, so it's a three in three words solid dependable respectable names. You have their David Patrick Nelson. David Patrick Nilsson's three first names. Each one each one more respectable than the last I'd say. Yeah.

Yeah. You don't see. Do you hear Patrick as a last name? You hear Fitz Patrick. I definitely hear Patrick as a last name. Yeah, Michael Patrick. Yep, yep, that's one. Okay.

No, David Patrick Nelson, he submitted three words and it wasn't just David Patrick Nelson, those weren't the three words. The other three words were, do you want to guess what, even like have a guess for all three? Okay, uh, road ad-endrons, for lunging and Tuesdays. No, indeed not at all. It's cafe disco apocalypse. You know what I feel like I was in the right area. It wasn't too bad. I think I was close. Cafe disco apocalypse? Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Hmm. I mean, there are no dancing cafes. Are there? In fact, there's almost nowhere where you can go and dance and get a hot drink. It's almost like... God damn it, you're right. We've ruled that out as an option. And I think that's the nanny state. And I don't like it. You know, I don't hear you. I don't see why, you know, there are no hot cocktails. And I don't see why... Except for a hot, a hot toddy. I can't go to a nightclub and be given a drink

and a thermos that I can take out. But that's almost too practical when you're drinking. I mean, the dancing. I guess you're right. That's what you want. You want a thermos on the dance floor with you? Yeah, and I got it now. Like I've got some soup maybe,

or maybe just a hot chocolate. Did you say a soup? A soup. Yeah, a soup. Great. just a hot chocolate. Did you say a soup? A soup, yeah, a soup. Great. Maybe a broth. What do you think in the head? Chicken noodle? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, you know, a lemon myrtle. I just, for some reason, the audio quality allowed me to think of the words chicken myrtle. I don't know why that works for me, chicken-merdl. Yeah, I mean, that's good, El. Anyway, a hot drink disco, and maybe the thermos is too practical, you're right. Maybe it's all everyone was just like mugs, or you know, those low sort of curved, what was that just a cup that you get? Your most of your standard coffees in,

just a, what do you call that a cup? Anyway. Yeah, I think so, I think that's a cup and a mug. And maybe sources, I don't know if sources would still be part of the equation. Saucers, you know, you've got to have the air, like the semblance of trying to stop people from spilling their drinks. You know what? That's what the sausage for. I reckon that this could be what drones help with.

Because yeah, the drone could just hover there and swoop in to give you sips, but if you don't have to hold it then it'll, or maybe even just a little gimbal thing, you know, like they use for like a steady cam. hold it then it'll or maybe even just a little gimbal thing you know like they use for like a steady cam yeah for for so cameras wobble when you're when you're running around filming something everybody's got one of those they can still have a hot drinkcourse hot liquid meal. Yes You know you start you got you get soup obviously it's obviously obviously and there fuck Alistair You've burned through what are you?

And then at the end of all of custard you have hot custard. That's a semi-liquid. Oh, you're ruling that out? Alistair, I was trying to help you here, fucko. No, no, no, no, no, no. Have a hot chocolate. That's one of the courses in your meal, is it? That's one of the courses. So first you have on-treat, and then you skip straight to dessert.

And then you have a hot toddy, which is, which is like a nightcap. So it's just like, 11, I've never been more disappointed in you than hot water, 11 honey and whiskey. Attempt to list a three-course liquid meal. You shot down my perfectly good offer of custard is a semi liquid. Andy it doesn't qualify It's a hot drink not a hot bowl of something hot Hey, I mean if we're gonna play by the rules we got to play by the rules fucko. I Your fucker. I'm not fucker. You are fucker. All right, on tray, dessert, and nightcap is a three-course meal. This could be one of them. This could be one of them.

This could be one of them. This could be one of them. This could be one of them. This could be one of them. This could be one of them. This could be one of them. This could be one of them. This could be one of them.

This could be one of them. This could be one of them. This could be one of them. Andy, just because I'm not going by your, you know, your set in stone, you know, three-course meal thing. Look, there's tons of courses. Can I just... Can I just... I gotta interrupt you, Alistair, because I gotta talk about Harry's. I gotta talk about Harry's races.

I should... I can't hold it any longer. All right, let me hear it. Well, I would normally... Normally do this in the middle of the podcast, but I'll be honest with you, I forgot. But Harry's, you can do yourself an absolute favor, Alistair. Go to harrys.com for its last think tank and you can revolutionize your shaving experience.

I'm sick of having to go to the shops and get the thing and the packet and the pay the absorbent amounts of money. I want razors that are delivered to me at an incredibly reasonable price. You know what you get when you go to Harry's or Comfort slash think tank? They give you a starter pack that you're going to get the weighted ergonomic handle. You're going to get the five blade razor with the lubricating strip and the trimmer blade. You're going to get that foam. I was getting to the foam. Don't worry, I'm getting to the foam.

You're going to get that rich lathering foaming shave gel that smells delicious. You're going to get a little travel case. This is the real icing on the cake. This little travel case, you clip it over the end of the razor. Oh, yeah. Those blades, they're not jostling against whatever it is that you keep in your bag. You know, maybe you've got one of those small dogs that you carry around in your handbag. Or a baby you carry around in a suitcase.

And babies you carry around in a suitcase. You don't want that baby coming out shaved. The. And likewise the dog. And that's what they've got. Raised a case is is is four. Harry took a fort dot com for it's like things tank it yourself that that that trial starter kit and change the way you shave to Dave today.

That's some. You've heard today you've to dive today. That's some. You've heard today, you've heard of today. Well, how about today? And support the people who support the podcast. Alistair, do you want to take us through the sketches that we've come up with today? I desperately do. We've got, you know, the most classic one,

the most classic sketch, Genie wants to win a stay, clean shave and contest for longest, like endurance contest. Really good. That's good. Then we got the satellite laser hair removal thing, which this one is just, it's the two kingpins between two kingpins. One is the kingpin of satellite laser shaving, and the other one is the kingpin of satellite laser hair removal.

This is a sketch. This is, I mean, our listeners know a sketch when they hear one. I think I can hear them all shouting out, this is a sketch in unison. Yeah, and then, so that's how they battle it out for, you know, Tom, it's like, it's like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs all over again. Yeah. Yeah. They used to be best of friends.

They used to just laser hair off back at their dorm in high school. Mmm. Those guys, they used to, they used to stand and they get in front of each other, lasering hair off each other. And now look what's happened. They don't even talk anymore. That's right. They had torn up a, torn open a couple of discmin. Yeah. And just use the laser from that. You know what I'm saying? They did it originally. They had torn up a, torn open a couple of discmin. Yeah. And just use the laser from that. You know what I'm saying?

Did it originally? Tell they did it. Old school. And then we've got another sketch which is use satellite hair removal laser to make people think you're God. There's way too many hair removal sketches in this podcast. Andy, no, it's two. And that's a, that's a fine amount. Okay. You're allowed a top of three sketch ideas on what about the what about the first one, which was a genie who wants to keep a guy clean, shaven. Well, that's three

sketches, I guess, in a way, but they that one doesn't involve any satellites. Okay. Unless you consider that the vampire that we sent over to another planet, I guess as he was kind of coming into that other planet, he might have been orbiting around it a little bit, while he was looking for the spot that he wanted to live. And so for that moment, you could consider him a satellite. Yeah.

Then we've got full contact free climbing. That basically explains itself. Yep. Then we got one sport constant change. That's because it's a world where there's only one sport left. And the rules keep changing. There's only one rule. And that is we keep changing the rules.

And there are a lot of rules. Well, I mean, that's at the beginning. If you, if that's your basic, that's your first rule, you can extrapolate from that, that the first rule you might change is that there's going to be a second rule. That's true. And you could even set up a little computer program so that every time you create a rule, you don't have to write down, and now that's also allowed to be four rules. That'd be great.

You could just, yeah, it could just write that automatically. I love it so much. And we've got running through God's hair, meeting God. He's megafauna and distracted. I feel like talking about God being megafauna might be something we've already discussed on the podcast. But maybe not. And the rest of it feels very novel. Then we've got real genie.

It's a guy who will like absolutely. What's great your wishes? Yeah. Make your wishes come true. He doesn't have any magic. It's probably a reality TV show. And it could be a fake reality TV show. Then where we just make it a comedy show. That'd be easier. Yeah. Gotta be hard to have to grant people's wishes. Then we got no place to dance and get a hot drink. That's great.

And you will then let me the idea is that you show show a place where you can it's the only place in town Where you could both dance and get a hot drink? Mm-hmm. That's you everyone has to have a unique selling point and that'll be ours We'll call it the burns the burns unit No, I mean, it's possible I think I jumped a shark with that We're calling it that I'm gonna run it by people in real-born units. See how they do.

Let's get out of here, Alistair. We're ready. We're waiting. We're waiting. We're waiting. We're waiting. We're waiting. We're waiting.

We're waiting. We're waiting. We're waiting. We're waiting. We're waiting. We're waiting. We're waiting. We're waiting. We're waiting. We're waiting. We're waiting. We're waiting. Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Dippa, Thank you so much for listening. You can find us on Twitter at to and tank. Mm, I'm at stupid old Andy.

And I'm at Alistair TV and you can support us on Patreon. It helps a lot. Blessings, blessings, blessings to all the beautiful people. And thank you to everybody who does and thank you to everybody who does. Thank you for listening. We appreciate it. And you can review us if you want.

All those things. It's also really nice. And also we love you. You. So much. So much. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroardcasting.com for more podcasts

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