Two In The Think Tank - 23 - "MOST BEAUTIFUL" - WITH PAT BURTSCHER

Episode Date: September 30, 2013

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You ready? Yep. Okay. You ready? Yep. Okay. You ready? I think so.

Okay. You ready? Okay. You ready? Are you ready? Are you ready? Wait. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

No, no waiting. I was only kidding. Oh. It was part of the song. Yeah. Wait. It actually made the song end. So it gave it like a natural kind of ending like that.

Yeah. Wait. Vanilla Ice had that bit in his song where he says, okay, now stop. Yeah. I think he actually wasn't happy with how the song was going. Yeah. I think he actually wasn't happy with how the song was going. Do you think... I just don't imagine Vanilla Ice had that much... Creative control.

Yeah, and quality control. He probably just thought, okay, now stop. That's enough. I think I've nailed it. Does the song really have to go on from now on? And it did. It still lives on in our hearts and minds. They went on to collaborate and listen.

Oh, that's right. Yeah. I keep thinking, stop, Hammer Time. Gee. Stop. Is that what you hear every time someone says stop? You go, hammer time. Yeah, it is.

I did have, either I think I saw that somewhere. I thought I put that on a stop sign underneath the stop. Hammer time. That's great. That is a great idea. And then I thought you could do it with all those ones. Stop in the name of love. Stop, collaborate and listen.

Stop before you break my heart in the name of love pardon me yeah you said that twice now all right uh okay stop right there thank you very much i need somebody with a human touch yeah hey you always on the run gotta slow it down baby gotta have some fun yeah you put a little paragraph there. That's a little bit much. A little bit wordy? Yeah. Right now, that's a little bit much.

I feel like I'm the sticker bureau, and you guys are pitching stickers. Nah, that exceeds the word count. You're going to have to pay at least... Do you want this to be visible? Because then we're going to have to make the sign bigger bigger you could just build a bigger stop sign yeah that's how we could solve this problem could this could this work in in the in the situation of like a guy who does bumper stickers okay and like he has people coming in or he's got an exciting new range or and you know bumper stickers a

kind of one of they're just a really weird form of media like and he's got an exciting new range or and you know bumper stickers are kind of one of they're just a really weird form of media like and he's worried that bumper stickers you know with the death of print media bumper stickers are getting squeezed out maybe um but they are sort of the oldest form of social media because they were the way that you sort of communicated you know your ideals your values yeah to the broad world aren't they they really aren't no one has ever taken a bumper sticker no but i mean like you like it's not like a tweet where it's just like oh that will go away in a bit yeah it's like when you put a bumper sticker on you better believe in it yeah yeah that's true that would it do you think like um say there's like a it's like you know like the old cop young cop sort of

thing where the young cop invigorates the old guy so maybe there's like an old bumper sticker guy great right yeah and he's just like uh he used to be it but he's not anymore he's lost it sure he's always he's sort of rambling in his bumper stickers so they are getting really long. And they have to put them out on ticker tape or something. Yeah, and then it's like, are they like fold out? I mean, he's a revolutionary in that way. But brevity, where's brevity? That's where the young up and start comes. And he's like, what you want to do here is this.

This is what the kids on the street are saying. Does he teach them about text speak? Yeah, and emoticons. Could the kid's name be Brev? Yeah, I mean, Brev. But it's kind of like in Top Gun where they're called what they do. Oh, yeah. So, like, fly a plane.

And Iceman. do and oh yeah so like fly a plane and ice man yeah i remember fly a plane from tom it was i remember that scene where they're all up in the air and they were all called fly a plane and none of them knew who anyone was talking to and that's why there was that plane crash but yeah and there was that one guy called You're Gonna Get Shot Down and Die. Yeah, by a, like, Islamic guy. Yeah, by a vaguely ethnic character. Vaguely ethnic. Vague and ethnic.

And then his birth certificate actually had to fold out. And that's how... And then that had been created by the bumper sticker guy. What about making bumper stickers for jet fighters

yeah they go right above the the burner yeah and then they they're the more temporary ones

or yeah they last like take off but also they'd have to the font would have to be enormous to be able to be read

by almost anybody. But that would be great because there's those ones that if you can read this, you're too close for that on a plane. See, that makes more sense now. Yeah. If you can read this, you've got a lock on. If you can read this, then someone in the air traffic control tower has made an appalling error. Please get out of my airspace. Contact the Civil Aviation Authority to report this to them.

If you can read this, you must be super heat resistant and moving really fast. There you go. I think old bumper sticker guy, young guy comes in, revolutionizes the art form. But in the end, they work together and create something fantastic. Possibly they create the fold-out bumper sticker. Because that would be the arc. And they still go out of business. Maybe this kid...

Well, this kid starts teaching him about graphene. Graphene, What's that? Graphene. It's this material that initially they discovered. Basically, it's the thinnest, strongest material known to man. I know you were telling me about this. They discovered it by just taking sticky tape and putting it on a pencil lead. Oh, yeah. Then you strip it off and it's just one atom thick.

I reckon so many kids came very close to discovering graphene yeah but they didn't know how to put put a good use they didn't know how to market it yeah and so that's how we're we're gonna get soon those like just like kind of like flexible screens that you know uh and you'll be able to have all sorts of garbage on there, you know, television, YouTube. And so this kid, he's like a pioneer of the graphene market. So not only is he coming in just laying down some stickers, but these are like... The new technology.

He's got full-on videos. He's got a fold-out. Go fuck yourself. What year is this, guys? 1962, when they just invented paper yeah it's like one of those like kind of steampunky movies it could be like mad men but instead of with advertising it's with bumper stickers that's great yeah yeah awesome and also um oh i thought you meant mad max but then we a second. Mad Max with bumper stickers.

So they got it right up beside cars and put them on. And people are like, what are you doing? Like they put their lives in danger to get a bumper sticker. So they can just put it on other people's things. And then people are like, oh, we like that, actually. Sorry for shooting at you i think the old guy has like he we can we can name check a lot of the like the classic bumper stickers like the um the honk if you love donald whatever the fuck off the full yeah he came up with that. Oh, yeah. Magic Happens.

Yeah. I was involved in the Magic Happens campaign. Yeah. I was there. Yeah. No more fucking wood chips. Yeah. Yep.

Back off. Back. Yeah. Oh, the one with the one with Samity Sam. Yeah. Yeah.

9-11. 9-11. 9-11. He came up with 9-11. He was involved in a lot of things. Bumper stickers and orchestrating. 9-11. Never forget. Yeah.

Yeah. Never forget. Yes. 9-11. I'm going to write down. Write it down. Write it down. Mad men. Write it11. I'm gonna write down... Write it down. Write it down. Mad men.

Write it down. Men. Version. Bumper Boys. Of Bumper Boys. Meets Mad Max. Sticker. On the set of Pride and Prejudice.

On acid. With zombies. And you could... And my dick. on acid with zombies and and my dick and my dick tell me the sketch you were talking about I don't know what a zombie

would do if if you showed a zombie your dick that surely I mean that would be like zombies like that would be

really easy for them to eat or like bite off and stuff. Yeah but would they want to? But I want to know whether they would

have an emotional reaction. Oh. Like there must be some humanity left in them. What if that was the cure?

What if that was like the cure? To cure a zombie you had to show it your dick. Either remove the head or show them your dick. Show them Either remove the head, or show them your dick. Show them your dick, and then it just completely healed.

Yeah. Dude, what the fuck are you doing? All the blood comes back to their face. Ah. And they're furious with you. You were a zombie. Imagine he's... Yeah, sure I was the last zombie yeah I got no

and then yeah but he was the last zombie and you showed him your dick yeah and then he had a hard time convincing him that he was a zombie because there was no zombies left or yeah it's the last zombie and but he's blind he's a blind zombie so you have to get him to feel your dick you know you have to get him you have to somehow install like you know like like new sort of like digital retina replacement kind of stuff that will link up to his brain and like show him images digitally and soon as his vision gets turned on he just sees a picture of your dick and then he turns back into a human also you won't even know what a fork dick looks like there's he's been blind as well no he was blind he became blind when he was a

zombie oh cuz he didn't look after his eyes. He spent a lot of time staying up late reading in poor light. You can't leave a big fucking plot hole like this. He doesn't know what a dick looks like. But as the vision comes on

you're going, it's a dick! It's a dick! I like that better in this in this universe um there's i feel like there are going to be people who abuse this power yeah like there are going to be people who just show their dick to people and then say you're a zombie yeah thank me i thought you were a zombie no no you were a zombie you were a zombie. No, no, you were a zombie. You were a zombie. Those are the two best things for a flasher to say. It's a dick.

It's a dick. It's a dick, and I thought you were a zombie. You should do that on your way to work. Just flash people. I thought you were a zombie. I'm embarrassed to write this down i was thinking earlier um because you guys this is early and um for me at least and um you were you're saying pat um you got here's do this. This is exactly what you said in the same intonation and everything. And then I was just like eating my cereal.

I was like, I don't like being rushed. And I thought like the one person that should never feel like that is like an emergency doctor. So I thought it would be cool if there was like this sketch with like an emergency doctor that didn't like being rushed yeah yeah he was like the best that what he did so like he brought people back from the dead basically because he didn't like being rushed he's been dead for 10 minutes but also he takes his time to such an extent that like they were probably not that badly in that bad a state. But he started putting it off. He just procrastinates.

Don't rush me. I'm getting flustered. All right. That's it. Take a break, everybody. Take a break. I need a chamomile. I need a chamomile. I need a chamomile.

He's losing blood quickly. Don't use your words to try to influence my behavior. I can see the amount of blood he's... I'm not going to let... I'm not going to work on this blood's time frame. Yeah. I'm not going to let the blood dictate the speed with which I get this done. Okay?

Let's see. Who's the doctor here? Is it me or is it the blood? I didn't think so. Is there a doctor? Is there somebody who would be... It would be more bad for him to be... Not like to be rushed.

I don't know. Imagine Room Doctor, that's pretty good. Fire, fire. A timekeeper at the Olympics. Yeah. Or a sports person at the Olympics, for that matter, possibly. Kathy Freeman. Yeah.

I mean, Donovan Bailey. Donovan Bailey? Yeah. Who's that?ovan Bailey. Donovan Bailey? Yeah. Who's that? He was that Canadian runner. He won the gold medal one year for the 100-meter sprint. Really? Yeah.

Then they made that race between him and that American guy. Michael Johnson? Yeah. Yeah. What happened there? What happened there was Michael Johnson pulled a... He was losing the race, and he faked pulling his hamstring or something. Oh, my God. Or he actually pulled it, but I doubt that.

Yeah. But also, Michael Johnson... Do you know how much you warm up before a race? Yeah. How can you pull a hamstring? Also, though, hasn't Michael Johnson been sort of discredited now? Wasn't he on lots of... I don't know.

He's the one that one wasn't it after maybe that was ben johnson ben johnson ben johnson's definitely but the thing there's a lot there's conspiracy behind that man which one because basically what they say is what he says is he was handed a coke by someone after the race and it was before the drug test and then he drank it and it was already open and they say they that guy put steroids in it because the steroids that he was caught with weren't actually steroids that made you faster they're like because they're like i don't know the science behind it but that's what was claimed and they said that the reason why they did that was because they wanted the american to win like this is how because everyone was doing drugs and there was that guy got caught there's

like people that got caught doing or they had steroids on them but then nike or something would be like we're gonna pull out of out of the Olympics if you don't let that guy win and stuff like that. That's, I don't know if this is true. It's just what I've heard. I'm not willing to die for this. So if someone's coming after me with a gun and they're like, do you really believe that? I'll be like, I'll go on the radio and say whatever.

They're coming after you with a gun. They're like, do you really believe that? Yeah. I'm just like, what? No, no, no. No. I'm not willing to die for this. When we were talking before, sorry,

about people exposing themselves, you could also have a sketch with like a guy who exposes himself to people in parks, but he doesn't like expose his penis. He just exposes something personal about his past

or maybe some financial details uh he's an emotional flasher yeah yeah emotional flash he comes out he's wearing a big trench coat and he goes he opens it up and he goes i feel so alone yeah that's just very close yeah and he opens it up and he's got like pictures of him as a. And he goes, I used to be afraid of the water. A man has been revealing himself in an inner city park. And joggers are warned to look out for anybody. He might make you messed up. He might move you. He might move you.

Some women have complained that he's given them too much information and held them up for a meeting. He jumped out from behind a bush, and he just had this look of despair on his face, and he just started to cry. And I... It was horrible. What about a guy, right? He's a superhero. Yeah. But his superpower is that he has the world's most beautiful penis.

Right? So if he ever sees like a crime being committed he just flashes people and people are like oh my god like they forget everything they're doing just because of how beautiful his penis is he's called uh the cock blocker like the most violent shit can be going down, like a gangland shooting. And he just shows up, and he just walks in between them all, and he just goes, opens his coat, and everyone just frees, they're like, oh my god. It's like everyone is bathed in the glow.

In the beauty of his penis Does he have a little cape That hangs down in front of his fly And he just whips that to one side You see him Like you see the cape Fluttering in the breeze And then it pulls

The camera Pulls back to reveal That he has it in front of his penis. That's how world peace is made. You go to the UN and they show it to everybody at the UN and they go what were we thinking?

How could we wage war in the light of so much beauty? There's so many beautiful things. Fucking guys with your tic-tacs. Oh, I'm sorry. I was tempted. It's fine.

So far we've got three... Dick ideas? Flasher ideas. I just thought it would be funny to come up with as many flasher ideas. I just thought it would be funny to come up with as many flasher ideas as possible. That was the secret thing. Well, this is not as many as possible. No.

I know. Alright. Okay. What about a guy that does speed flashing, right? And he opens and closes his coat at a rate and then his dick does a play. It's like one of those... So it looks like one of those flip books? Yeah, or Zoetrope, or whatever they're called.

His dick does a play. Is it a play? No, puppetry of the penis. It's animation of the penis. Okay, what about this? Flip book animation of the penis. A guy who invents, not the flash drive, but the flasher drive. It's just a little penis that you put into a slot in the side of the penis. A guy who invents, not the flash drive, but the flasher drive is just a little penis

that you put into a slot in the side of your computer. It's just a flaccid cock with a USB key. Yeah. Imagine doing that to your friend. Just putting that in there. And it just kind of sits on the table. But then it gets hard and squirts. Data.

Squirts data, yeah. Or it's a projector. A projector. Like onto a big screen? Yeah. It just projects. Jizz. Yeah, just the image of jizz, maybe.

Oh, okay. But only once it gets hard. What would the guy, do you know the guy with the most beautiful penis in the world? Does he have an arch nemesis? Like the ugliest penis in the world? Or just like the dirtiest asshole? That's a guy with a really ugly vagina.

Yeah, a guy with a really ugly vagina. Yeah, a guy with a really ugly vagina. It just brings so much sadness into the world. Have you seen this thing? This dude with an ugly vagina. He's not even transgender. He just has an ugly vagina. It's like on his thigh. Yeah.

He just carries one around. Like he was just born with it and he's called bad gina yeah yeah and he it was like you know sometimes people are born with a twin but the twin never like you fully grew yeah never fully grew or there was like just next to him or whatever, his twin was just an ugly vagina. But it stayed alive somehow because he's just, through holding it in his hand, he's transferred nutrients into it. That's his real superpower, is the ability to transfer nutrients into it.

Through his head. He should have focused on that instead of... But he just kept... It's like this vagina was his blankie when he was a kid. Yeah, yeah. And he just got too attached to it. Evil-scented queefs. They just crush people like they make their head.

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This is kind of like a wizard. You're right, sorry. And then the guy shows his beautiful penis to this guy with the ugliest vagina. And then the last scene is the guy putting his beautiful penis in his ugly vagina and they both explode. Yeah, I think that was probably the only way to destroy it. Yeah, and it's just like it's a big thing that he's sacrificing.

He's like, I have to give up this beautiful penis for the world. It has to be that scene where he's looking off into the horizon and he's not making eye contact with anyone else except the horizon. You know that one where he's like, I have to give up this beautiful penis. But he also says goodbye to people and he's like waving goodbye as he sort of is starting to penetrate the vagina. Is this too awful?

I don't know. I feel it's probably demeaning towards women in some way. Really? Yeah, probably. No, it's the dude with the ugly vagina. Yeah, I know. That's why it's ugly. The dude has a vagina.

I did everything to i did everything avoid it yeah it's not even a it wasn't from a woman yeah okay how about this it's like in the news i did my due diligence i did all my checks i've made sure that there's nothing offensive about this i put the vagina vagina on a man. It wasn't from a woman. It was a dog vagina. How about it turns out it wasn't even a vagina. It was just like a really old sandwich. That's better, right?

In the news, he keeps going, it's a sandwich, and everyone thinks he's mad. No, that's a vagina, buddy. and everyone thinks he's mad. No, that's a vagina, buddy. I don't know that that makes it better than everybody in the world thinks that a disgusting old sandwich looks like a vagina. Oh, it looks like a vagina. I know, but this is a really ugly vagina and sandwich.

They don't think it looks like a regular vagina. We can flip it. There's the most beautiful vagina, but this is not as funny. We can make this really okay yeah we can turn this into a disney movie it's a really beautiful vagina okay yeah well but then i think it loses something of the yeah yeah bunny yeah and but but then the other guy has to have an ugly cock, which turns out to be a sausage roll. Which turns out to just be a penis.

He just has a penis. That's right, yeah. Oh, and then it just turns into real life with just flashers. I reckon it's more degrading if it's a really beautiful vagina that stops everything because it just validates everything people talk about all the time.

Sure. What we need is an ugly vagina. It's so rarely depicted on TV. And why is it okay? It's a truly ugly vagina. And it's a beautiful penis. That's the funny part. Because it's like the world's most beautiful penis.

That stops wars. No, that's fine. The guy. The world's most beautiful penis. That stops wars. No, that's fine. And then there's like 10 years of peace before this ugly vagina shows up. What's the name of the head of the UN right now? Cecilo Bambang Udayo. No, that's Indonesia. Damn it, Bankimoon? Yeah, Bankimoon.

I knew it was one of the names I love. Yeah, Bankimoon. Oh, is he Banksy? Oh my god. Banksy Yeah, Banksy Moon. Oh, is he Banksy? Oh, my God. Banksy Moon. Banksy Moon. That's why he's able to get all over the world and do graffiti in all these different locations. Yeah, because I'm great.

And probably why so much graffiti shows up around G8 summits and stuff. Exactly. And all this politically motivated. Banksy's very political in his cartooning. So political. I mean, who's more political than Ban Ki-moon? Nobody. And he always has spray paint on his fingers.

Oh yeah. I always just thought it was nail polish. And he's always cutting out stencils during the U.S. meetings. Now that you mention it. And selling merch after. Banksy books. Yeah, Banksy books. He's after. Banksy Books. Yeah, yeah, Banksy Books.

He's always selling Banksy Books after the UN. I just like them because of how close it is to my name. Actually, it's pronounced Banky Moon. The S is silent. Yeah. Even though it's probably a Z or an X. I think a politician who has a tag, who's graffitiing or something,

gets in trouble for graffitiing. I mean, there must be some things graffiti that's scratched into the UN tables. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be amazing checking out the graffiti and like parliament house in canberra like what is this yeah that would be great you just hear this you know this guy and that's the opening of the movie and then it goes and then it just looks like someone's scratching into a table and then it's a wide shot of just the UN. Just the UN.

We could also do a documentary which was someone taking you around the graffiti in all these political locations. I mean, it would be interesting just to see... You could have a movie or a sketch about a guy who's heading the UN. Yeah. Like, because he's just a dude. Yeah, right. And so... I get up, I have my toast, and then I go out and I head the UN, and then I come home and I have a shower and I go to bed.

I go home, I take a shit, and then I stay up all night watching YouTube videos. Yeah. Oh, I'm so tired for the UN today. Can't call in sick to the UN. Have you guys heard of Keyboard Cat? I just got stuck watching all these Keyboard Cat videos. Every time you think you've watched enough, you go, ah, now there's parodies

and there's people pretending to be keyboard cat and then i gotta make my own parody have you seen have you seen the look on that cat's face he just looks so happy smug he looks smug imagine he was like an internet troll but he used his real name. Yeah. But no one believed it was him. Posting all these spoilers for Breaking Bad. Because I saw this thing yesterday. I was just watching a few YouTube videos. And then when I scrolled down, I saw someone write something like, You're not the real so-and-so.

Stop pretending you're him. Right? And I scrolled down even more and this guy was pretending to be an nba player and he's like how old are you i'm 29 and i make millions of dollars shut your face and stuff like that but he had he had the guy's real name in his picture as his id you know as his user thing so I thought that would be funny if it was the UN guy and everyone was like, shut up, you're not really that guy.

And he's just, his like fucking, his insults are just so asinine, you know. Asinine? What does that mean? Fantastic word. Yeah. Sort of wishy-washy, right? Isn't it like juvenile and all that shit?

Oh, it could be. It's just like stupid, I thought. Yeah, no, actually that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, astronaut. Wow, that's a beautiful word. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I hope I'm using it correctly, and if I'm not, I love the word, regardless of what it means. Yeah.

Spanky Moon on YouTube. Yeah. And he's just a troll. Ban Ki-moon on YouTube. Yeah. And he's just a troll. I'm 53 years old and I make hundreds of thousands of dollars. Well, maybe that could be the documentary.

It's about Ban Ki-moon. And, like, he comes home and then it's like, yeah, you know, I work all day at the UN and then I come home and I troll fuckers on the internet. Or it doesn't even start as that. It just starts off as someone like following him around and he keeps on going on to his phone yeah right and it's not until maybe like a little bit into the documentary where the camera behind him catches that it's just youtube stuff and then they're like what's going on and then they go back through footage and they're like and we've discovered after this point then they go back through footage. And they're like, and we've discovered after this point. We've gone back through footage and they just see all these comments that he replies to.

Because it would be really fun to see somebody writing really kind of intelligent troll responses to sort of the dumbest. Yeah, people saying like, this sucks. Actually, according to the United Nations Convention on the of the child then this is perfectly legitimate in fact should be encouraged because we need more children to have access to clean health and he ends it off by saying your mom's pussy smells like farts yeah because he is still a troll. Yeah. He just nukes them with knowledge and then... All right. I'm going to write down... What are you going to write?

M-K-E-N. Moon. Internet troll. Yeah, sure. But also, yeah, I like the idea of the tagging, the political tagging. Oh, and he does tagging. He does tagging as well? Yeah.

Great. But does he then, is he also like writing really, really long like dissertations on things in spray paint on walls? Or he's just like writing, like what would his tag be? What would his tagger name be? Or does he, like, is his tag like a really beautiful version of like that United Nations logo? With like the wreath around the world? Yeah, but instead of saying United Nations, it says Banky. Moon. Yeah.

Or, I think, like... Head of the UN. Either he has to, like like do stuff that's really beautiful and like well-worded or just the stupidest shit ever yeah dicks he just paints dicks like but he's amazing at heading the un but he just hates you know like those people that are just the guy who watches documentary about a basketball player. He was amazing at basketball, but he was a junkie as well. Yeah. But he just kept on playing basketball because that's...

He didn't really care for it, but he made money. He didn't... Is this an actual guy? Yeah. He didn't care about basketball? He did. He kind of did, but he was just like... He cared about heroin more.

Yeah. Yeah. So maybe it's something like that. So sometimes when you find a passion, it's very difficult. Yeah. It's like everybody loves what he's doing, you know, and he's making so many people happy, but he can't cope with the pressure. He's so much money to feed his heroin habit.

Yeah, but this guy spends all his money on, like, markers and stuff to etch stuff in. Fucking, like, he has the best thing to etch into a desk and shit like that. Oh, like a compass. Yeah. But he buys a crazy compass that just has like a blood diamond on it. Well, and he would have access to that kind of thing. Yeah. Because, you know, he sends troops into war-torn countries so that they can collect blood diamonds for him.

So he can etch more effectively onto the windows of the plane, the private jet that he flies. Oh my God, imagine doing that. Imagine graffitiing your own private jet. Bang Ki Moon was he. We know. This is your jet. You're the only person who flies in it. You don't need to

keep cutting letters into the leather seats. Lol. Any shits on the toilet seat? Thank you, Moon. Was that you? No. It's your private bathroom. You're the only person on the plane. Why are you doing

this? Are you angry with the world? I'm angry with the world? I'm angry with the world. I'm angry with the world. Alright? You're the one who has to clean it up. I'm also hopeful about the world. I just want to prove that I'm going to do my best to save this place. And it's still going to fall apart.

That with one hand I create, with the other hand I destroy. And with the other hand, I draw a dick. And with my foot. And with my foot, I kick a dog. What's something that you could kick that would both hurt and help something? That's a really interesting question. You could kick a shark in the mouth while it's trying to bite someone. Okay, that's a good one.

That hurts the shark, but doesn't help. Do you want something that would also help the shark? Yeah, something that would also help the shark. Okay. So cruel to be kind, but with kicking. Yeah. You've got to kick to be kind. Kick to be kind.

I guess if the shark's jaw was slightly dislocated, and then you kicked it, and then it would hurt it, but it would also put it back into place, and then he could bite you more effectively. You could do that to the shoulder. You could kick someone's shoulder back in. Back in, yeah.

Basically just kicking things back in. Back in. Like someone's eyeball, you could kick it back in. Back in. Almost like a hacky sack. Yeah, like Pele shows up, and he's just like, I got this. Finally, another use for Pele shows up and he's just like, I got this. Finally, another use for Pele. That's a really fun idea.

Like the idea that this sort of thing seems to happen in movies. Like when they got the, do you know that there was a dolphin in, I'm sure this actually happened. There was a dolphin in China that had swallowed something, right? And they got the tallest man in China who had these incredibly long arms to reach into the dolphin's mouth and pull this thing out, right?

Like down its throat. Yeah. Okay. So that sort of stuff happens. Then just taking that and being like, well, and then we realized we could use you know other people's um unique abilities to help us with other medical procedures so we've got pele kicking people's eyeballs back in the guy's amazing his placement is incredible the spin

the deft touch i like the yeah i like the idea of other uses for pele yeah he also but would he also juggle the eyeball for a little while. If it helped the eyeball. You know, it would kind of like rebalance the fluid within there. No, but I think he's just got flair.

That's just part of who he is. And then at the end shoulders. Yeah. And then the final he does a scissor kick. Yeah, flying

kind of like like that. Over his head. Oh, Pele. B his head. Like that. Yeah. Oh Pele. Bicycle. That's the bicycle isn't it?

I believe that is the bicycle. That's bicycle kick. Mm-hmm. What would the someone Pat always talks about the Klitschko's

because they're the apparently they're the heavyweight champions of the world in boxing. They're brothers. Are they twins? No. No they're just brothers. But they won't They're brothers. Are they twins? No.

They're just brothers. But they won't fight each other. Are they currently the champions? They look similar. I'll say this quick. One guy was supposed to go to a fight in Germany for this fighting league or whatever, but then he couldn't because something happened, so they just sent his brother, and they thought they still sent the same guy.

That's how similar they look. Yeah. Well, what's another use for them? Two guys that won't fight each other. They punch people's hernias back in. We didn't realize until the Klitschko's came around that

you could actually punch a hernia, and it fixed it. But these guys are the best at punching. Yeah. It's like surgical precision. I was watching a boxing match, and I saw them saying, the commentators were saying,

look at the surgical precision with which he is using those blows, and I thought, I do surgery. Maybe in my operating theater. Yeah. He just punches a guy. We're losing him!

We're losing him! Get the Klitschko's! And I'm just amazed you guys won't fight each other. I mean, don't you want to know who the best of the best is? What if one of the Klitschko's had a hernia?

Would the other one then punch him in order to fix that hernia? Is this a way that we could get the Klitschko's to fight each other? Oh my god, yeah, what if... This could be amazing, yeah. We found a way to get the Klitschko's to fight each other. And that's make one of them get a load of hernias. I'm only doing this to help you, brother. I'll see you back in the Ukraine.

It's Ukraine, you asshole. I still like to say the Ukraine. Okay. We have a guy who was just in the Ukraine recently who told us it's not the Ukraine anymore, so now we spend a lot of our time saying the Ukraine a lot of your time a lot of our time actually increased the amount of time that we spend thinking about the the you for Ukraine I wake up in the middle of the Ukraine I heard that last night actually

um do you think that was I think I think the Pele I think the Pele eyeball kicking back in is definitely something. How are we going to get this eyeball back in? And they would have a tiny little grass field that they rest the eyeball on. Maybe there's a penalty spot on there, and they just lift it up, just this little bit of turf, they lift it up, they just hold it there,

and then Pele. Like that. He's been helping so many people. Yeah. He's kicked people's shoulders back in, eyeballs back in. He's inserted memories into people's minds that get rid of the yeah yeah like a photo album and that have like you know helped with sort of dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder

can there be uh it happens right and then uh he kicks somebody's eyeball back in and then but then we cut to later on and the doctors are talking to that person's family and they say, we're terribly sorry. We did everything we could, but it turned out that there wasn't a defender between Pele and the eye socket

and he was actually offside. So we're going to have to take his eyeball back. We're going to have to take his eyeball back out. It was a bad, yeah. That was actually an illegal kick. Yeah. I don't know why we, anyway, we're so sorry.

We're going to just. We're going to cancel the entire program. We're going to have a vacuum turn on. Just in the name of fairness. Apparently he was always a great sports person. And he's arguing with them, like, you know how they argue with refs? What do you mean I was offside? Totally offside!

I'm never offside! Cool. Look, guys, I think... Alistair has to go. Alistair has to go. That sounds like a children's book. Alistair has to go. Alistair has to go That sounds like a children's book Alistair has to go Alistair has to go

Alistair see you next time So this time is over Here's our sketches for this week for this podcast Got mad men version of bumper sticker

Old guy, new guy, you know that thing? Yeah, that eye gel rivalry Mad Men version of bumper sticker. Old guy, new guy, you know that thing? Yeah, that age-old rivalry. The old guy thought it was all over, but new fresh blood came in. Told him about tech speak, maybe. Showing zombies your dick will cure them. The emotional flasasher Cockblocker

Superb A superhero with the most beautiful penis And then he can stop Goes to the UN Shows Banky Moon his dick And his nemesis is a dude With the ugliest vagina Great

Banky Moon internet troll And political tagger. Yeah. I still don't know why he's an internet troll, but anyway. And there'd be lots of forms, treaties and stuff that he has to do. And he's like, sign here, sign here. Drawing of a dick here. Yeah.

Yeah. He does that. And other uses for Pele. Kicks eyeball back in. Kicks eyeball back in. And other uses for Pele, kicks eyeball back in. Kicks eyeball back in. Yeah, the medical profession has started using Pele. He's a great resource. Before he dies, we should get the most out of Pele,

the most medical procedures completed. Yeah, we're worried that some diseases are starting to become resistant to Pele. There's a golden staff that Pele seems to not be able to kick out of the sinks in hospitals. Or it's just spreading faster than he can kick. Yeah. What about Bruce Lee? He has trouble with metal splinters, but he's good with wood splinters. What does that mean?

You know, splinters. Yeah. You get a little splinter in your finger. He can kick out like wood ones. Yeah, but why can't he kick out metal ones? I don't know. Okie dokie. No one knows.

That's why he can't do it. Oh. Sorry, I gotta go to sleep. Okay. Go to sleep, Pat. Go to work. Go to sleep, Pat. Put your head down. Go to sleep, Pat.

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