Two In The Think Tank - 232 - "PIMP MY CLUMP"

Episode Date: May 5, 2020

Doomsday Emoji, Chip Oil Recovery, Nonosia, Queer Eye for the Clump, Libertaria, Weakness by D.o.G, Adopt a Dog KidHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereAll our remaining stockpile of thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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this podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B I'm just a lover of comedy. And I'm happy to be here. Hello, Alistair. You know, episode 232. Oh no. You know, the, you forgot to get a pad to write down the ideas on

and you also haven't organized the three words from the list of, is that right Alistdy? That's right, it doesn't matter. I have pens and paper within arms length of where I am because I've been locked in my room for a few days because I had developed a cough and we weren't sure and so I got a test and we're just waiting for it to come back. Hmm. Yeah and as far as I'm aware you can catch coronavirus over the year waves. Is that right? Or only if your phone is you're listening to it on your phone via 5G. You know what I think it is. I think it's because I've been on social media so much and so many people have been giving me thumbs up. Yeah.

on social media so much, and so many people have been giving me thumbs up that I've been catching it off their greasy mitts. All that finger action you've been getting. They need to develop an elbow up. If there isn't an elbow bump emoji already, what an absolute missed, missed marketing coup for whoever it is that does the emojis. I imagine there's so much money in emojis. What is, what is the business model behind emojis? Who's in charge of

them? And whenever they get to be new ones released, you know, how they're like, you know, when you're working on say some sort of light news program, and you constantly trawling bullshit websites to find some sort of new comedy news event that doesn't involve a child dying. And you know, Alistair, that's so often you'll find something that's hilarious, but you can't use it because it somehow involves a child dying. But then occasionally, you'll come across an emoji story about a new emoji and sometimes that emoji isn't a dying child emoji.

And that's when you know, you've got yourselves a 30-second chat break at the end of a news headline read and you take the bloody rest of the hour off and just filter messages in the Facebook inbox because a mochi content is harmless. It's harmless. Well, it is. And it's big business for the graphic designer who got paid 50 bucks to make one up.

Yeah. But what is the business model, what is the business model behind most stuff on your phone? Is it all just getting our data and then selling that somehow? Like is every app that you get for free just getting your data, just getting your location and sending it to the Cremland. I think someone just, some of them just sell ad views. But the ads are all for garbage. They're all for just weird stuff that you'd never, like has anyone ever clicked on an ad in a game?

Well, I never have. I never have on purpose, but I think they're not they're not paying per click. I think some a lot of the time they're paying per view. And it's just getting those eyeballs. Get nine balls. You know, and it's not a lot. They're probably paying a quarter of a cent or half a cent, but over time that adds up, you know, yeah, the week you might have six cents. Yeah, yeah, sure and if you you get that from Every continent six cents from every continent 36 that's 36 cents that's 30 36 cents multiplied by the number of weeks in your life. Mm-hmm. That's $15

So is any of this a guy? He's a, okay, he's an emoji prodigy. Yeah. Right. From Fiji. Fiji emoji prodigy. Yeah, yeah. Who? Something about a squeegee?

His dad ran a squeegee. Who's dad ran a squeegee? Yeah. And he is dying really. Oh, no. We're not going to be able to do this story on the light news program because the child is dying. But, and that's why his emoji thing isn't going to bring in a lot of money because the amount of weeks in his life is not a sketch ID Andy.

I would almost push towards starting again. Absolutely. We are not starting again, Alistair. This is one of the best episodes of Two in the Think Tank that we've ever had. Wow. No, I think it's going well, Elastair. I think it's going well. I'm interested to know.

And if you don't think anything that we've come up with thus far is a sketch I did, then that's absolutely fine. I think maybe the idea with the emojis, because it kind of does seem pretty random when they come up, it could just be that they have a computer that gives us one, that just, they let it decide, and it just gives us a new emoji when it thinks we need one. Wow.

It's just keeping an eye on society. Yes. And then occasionally it goes, you know what, I think it needs, it needs all the hands in the right, you know, all the skin tones. Yeah, well, so maybe it can somehow detect from like the state of online discourse

or something when we're getting close to a thermonuclear war. And then it just releases a new emoji, one that's either, you know, exciting enough, all weird enough that it'll at least just distract us, you know. That's right. It only has one lever that it can pull. Yes. That's the, that's the emoji lever. But it's crazy because you don't often see computers with a lever.

No, that they can pull. Yeah, but it's actually a computer that also has a robotic arm and it can pull on the lever. Yeah, and when it pulls on the lever, what happens? It activates the software and the computer that creates a new emoji based on how the world is going. But then what tells it to pull the lever? That's a different bit of software. It's probably quite a good design, actually,

because it has total electronic separation between the two halves of its brain. One, the half of the brain that tells that there's about to be a thermonuclear war. And all that half of the brain knows is that there's about to be a thermonuclear war, right? And all that half of the brain knows is that there's about to be a thermonuclear war and that when there's about to be a thermonuclear war, it has to pull a lever.

It doesn't know what the lever does. As far as that half of the brain knows, it could be launching more nuclear weapons. It could be a retaliation machine. But it will find out in time, yeah, continuing to watch the world. But what the other half of the road the computer does is develop new emojis. And it's a beautiful fusion of the, that could have been a coronavirus cough

that the listeners just heard there. That could be a death rattle, Alistair. Oh, that could have been a coronavirus cough that the listeners just heard there. That could be a death rattle at all. Yeah. Well, once I hit day seven, anyway, sorry, is this bad taste for me too? It's okay, Andy. Yeah. Oh, good.

But I think also what the lever allows gives us is what, you gives us is, because they've given this thing AI and the ability to watch the world and make decisions. So even though the only decision it can make is whether or not to pull the lever. But what if at one point this AI goes crazy with its power? And we realize that it's become You know Self-serving and blah blah blah and it's pulling the lever non-stop for whatever reason Then you can just move the lever I'll pilot the range of the robotic home

And that's that's your safety. Yeah Yeah, or you grease up its it's lever pulling arm or something like that. So it's, it's little computer fingers can't get a good grip on it. They keep slipping off. That's right. Just really put some chips, chips grease on it on its claw. It's interesting that chips, like even chips in a bag, crisps, you may know them as some... No, I don't know them as that. They seem very dry, to me seem like a super dry thing. And yet, they are, they get that layer of oil.

They still must have like actual just liquid oil in there somehow that gets into your fingers and greases up your mobile phone screen, etc. Oh yeah, they're covered in oil. They would be deep fried, wouldn't they? Yeah, I mean, I guess so, but I always assume that the oil does its business, does its frying and then leaves, but it doesn't. Sure. It sticks around.

No, I mean, they would be constantly topping up that oil, going to that big vat like that guy's like, oh, it's like, I mean, they would be constantly topping up that oil. Mm-hmm. Going to that big vat like that. Guys like, oh, it's like, you know, he can just picture it. As he's topping it up, he can just see it on people's fingers and they're wiping it on their shirts and on their pants. And he goes, that's my oil. That's my oil, you got. Like that.

And it's you and the bloody crisps. You're stealing my oil and you're wasting it. So, so this guy who works at a crisp factory, making crisps by boiling them in oil, is also very possessive of his oil and very possess oil. Well, that's his job. And every time they take oil out of his,

out of his fat, he has to go and top it up. So that's making more work for him, which I guess, after 25 years in the business, probably just the same amount of oil, but you know, he's realized it's quite a constant amount of oil and he probably could get a computer to do where you know, they could just release oil

at a certain, you know, regular rate, but he's a perfectionist, like that, right? That's the problem. And so maybe he develops a new product that goes into the chip bag, maybe. Like it's something, you know, it's very, it could be a moon cup. Yeah.

It's just a little, like a little shot glass, maybe not rubbery, maybe a bit harder than the moon cup, you know. Yeah. And it's just something that you can rub all your fingers on. You know, rub all your fingers on and then just like just right on the edge of it and just have scraped the grease off so it slides down to the bottom of this cup. Okay. Like that.

And it's a self adhesive cup that's already pre-stamped, the postage pad. Yeah. And then after, let's say, 10 bags of chips, you can just send it and he'll just take it and he'll pour it back into the vet. Oh, I love that. That makes me feel really good thinking about that, about all the finger grease that speaks scraped out.

This could be the next thing after the coffee pods, you know? Because now that they've got that system where you can mail back you little coffee pods. Oh really? You know those plastic ones that aren't recycled. I know the coffee pods, they just didn't know that you could send them back. Yeah, you get a bag and you send them back and they do something with them, probably chuck them in a river or something like that. Hit a, hit a, you know, hit an eagle with them with something.

Yeah. But not that one, it's not in danger enough. But this one. But this is with the with the finger grease. And I reckon there'd be a tidy little little kickback for him as well, back at the back at his end, because he's not just getting the chip grease back, he's getting a little bit of that just that general finger oil that you've already got there. And that's all profit for him.

That's all profit. And he's probably getting oil from some other chip packets as well. So they're actually making a profit on this, as long as they're not losing too much on the cups. Or the coat or the pastage. On the pastage. But if you have a chip factory in every suburb,

people can just walk by and drop off their cup. That's nice. It's the keeps it local. And then you at least know whose finger juices are boiling the chips. That you're eating. It's local, it's local finger juice, not some horrible greasy foreign fingers, although greasy foreign fingers would probably be, but you're good at it.

Those are the greasy countries. They give the best. Oh yeah, you want the greasiest of people. And because this end, I think having a chip, a chip factory in every town, I think that's, that's perfect for sort of like a post corona economy where we're kind of going to be a bit, bit less international. Yeah. You know, we're not going to be making all our chips in China like we do now. No. Right. You know, we'll bring chip manufacturing back home.

Yeah. And it'll be a local thing. It'll be a thing. And we'll sponsor our soccer teams and get all our grease. And then maybe we could give them other types of grease that we have. And finally, and the great thing about this being a Corona thing is that we will be all essentially licking each other's fingers all the time, but it's been boiled.

It's been boiled, the oil's been boiled. And it's not boiling water, boil. This is boiling oil, boiled. Boiled, boiled, oil, boiled. Boil oil boiled boiled. Boiled. Yeah. Now, Alistair, I think that's a sketch idea, absolutely. Can I mention something else that occurred to me

while we were talking a while ago? If you're happy to move on, which is, we all know that people often decide to secede and become a new country but I'm interested in what would be involved in becoming a new continent because Europe and Asia are joined together by land which is a you know art to me breaks the rules, the only rule of being a continent. But if you're allowed to do that, if you can be two different continents and you're joined together by land, and you know, a big bit of land as well, not like a little bit of land, like with Africa

or with North and South America, Like that's just all thick land. That's like torso. You know, all through that. It would certainly make it easier if you could sort of break off your bit from the tectonic plate. You know, so maybe like if you could sort of like dynamite up an area around your bit of land, but dynamite it down real low, right?

And you could prove that your bit is separate by blasting it and that your bit kind of slowly sinks into the mantle of the earth. I think people would be like, you know what, you can have it. And that way it'll avoid conflict. Yeah, you'll have a good negotiating position. But what you've maybe done is like maybe create a floor so that maybe you go yeah 100 meters down. Right? And so you still got sunlight and then you're 100 meters down you can still build some really tall buildings. You can still have a pretty good continent. So you've sort of turned into like a bowl almost. Is that right? Like you I think it's a sharper I think it's a sharper drop than that. I think it's more like a big well. Yep.

Yep. Yeah. No, that's good. You've taken it down a notch. I think that maybe the way to do it, because the earth is basically an egg. And I think that if we did want to crack the crust of the earth like that, the thing to do would be to find some kind of space bowl

and tap the earth on the edge of that. Oh yeah. And get that little, little. I guess we could carve out one of the moons in our solar system and kind of get the edge relatively rounded off there. Kind of nice thing. I think it would have to be a bigger planet than us.

Okay. Could be one of the moons of Jupiter that's probably bigger than us. Do you think that's the case? Do you think that's the case? Do you think that Jupiter has moons that are bigger than the Earth? Surely we'd know about that. Surely that would be in the news every day if that was the case. Indeed. Well, a lot of the moons of Jupiter is still bigger than Earth. Look, I don't know if there's a new content thing. Andy, I've got an idea. Yeah, tell me. There's also the possibility that, I mean, if you look at sort of, let's say, Europe and Asia. Okay, wait, just letting you know that can

Nimadee, can Nimadee, Jupiter's moon, it's the largest. Okay. Ganymead. Ganymead, that doesn't feel like that's how it would be Yeah, there's a chance Is there is a chance is there you're giving me a chance but but if it's like Latin or Or Greek? Genimidities feels like that would be closer to how they would say yeah, okay That's really interesting that this is about Anyway, you've got such a great track track record of naming Jupiter's planets

Anyway, there's nobody nobody from the podcast knows this already, but anyway forget it Larger than Mercury and Pluto and only slightly smaller than Mars so Not bigger than Earth But I was I was absolutely a sad light in the solar, but I think that's pretty good only slightly smaller than Mars That's that's sizable That's impressive. I think if we were looking for a planet to To bring closer to earth so that we could just kind of use up its resources and stuff like that

Socket dry Just drain it. Mm, which I was thinking could be another project of the engineers. Yeah, the magma guys. Good nimity, maybe organic meat. Mm, what old the other? One of the other. Mm. And, uh, you know, I think that would be a good idea.

Anyway, okay. So, the other continent idea that I think that would be a good idea. Anyway okay so the other continent idea that we could take is that if you look at Europe and Asia the continents not the bands the one other thing that kind of makes them different, and I'm not sure if this is why they're considered different continents, is I reckon it might partially be because people look different. Do you think? I mean, I reckon they made those continents, they named those continents ages ago, and that might be the kind of thing that they would base continent distribution on. And so what people look like. That people look different

therefore it's not even the same continent. Yeah you're right. So a way to get a fresh continent you're thinking is that we could all change what we look like. That's right, but it has to be consistent. Or the people in the west of it can look different to the people in the east, but overall, they all have to look different to the people in the continent you're separating from. Yeah, radically different, right? And later on, obviously, there can be mixing. Yeah. Your people can mix in with everybody

and the other people can mix in with your new continent. I'm just saying, at the beginning, it's going to be crude like this. I can tell you what would be pretty good for avoiding mixing if you wanted that. And I think maybe this is an idea that the white supremacists could get on board with. Is that if they're worried about preserving the purity of the white race, they could

all just cut their noses off. Right? See, that's good. And I think that would have, because I don't think you really need your nose. Right? But if you did cut your nose off, it would reduce the chances of anybody wanting to dilute your DNA. You know? Yeah, well, yeah, I think you're right. I think they wouldn't need a dilute it. Yeah. Gosh, I think you're right. It's a real, you know. You know what it would

make? I think it would make for them, you know not that we're trying to find advantages, but so so you're saying that the new continent that you want to create is sort of like Place for a white for the white race Well, well no what I want this you have a man for themselves maybe is I mean I'm not sure how I feel about a place, I don't think that the white race needs its own place, but I also wouldn't be too upset if the people who do think that the white race needs its own place all went away. Sure, yeah, like an island. One way for that to happen is for them all to have their own place. Yeah, that's true. And I probably wouldn't go, especially if they had no noses. But

anyway, what if somebody just an idea and then they sent you there. Yeah, so that's me the night So I'm somebody in the night comes to your Times to your thing comes to your house. Mm-hmm cuts off your nose in the night Yeah, there's a struggle obviously. I everyone's gonna think I'm a what supremacist. Yeah I'm gonna think your white supremacist and then they're gonna you're gonna be You know sent out there and then you're going to have to go live there and then, you're probably going to want your family to come and so then they're going to want to get their noses cut off. Do you think they think you'd abandon your family then in that case? Do you think you'd let them be? Do you think you'd make them come?

I think I'd probably, I'd probably cut them loose. I'd probably give them their freedom and say, look, cut them or just their noses loose. They're just their noses. I'd take their noses with me to the island and I would leave them loose. I'd probably give them their freedom and say, look, cut them or just their noses. They're just their noses. I take their noses with me to the Ireland and I would leave them behind. No, I would give my family, I would say no, I don't want you to come and I want you to keep your noses and forget about me and my hideous face. You know what would be the one benefit of the no-no's thing? You could have straight on face-to-face, no interruption, kissing. Yep, you're absolutely right. But then you could also, you'd get a much better whiff of what the scent of somebody's sinus cavity is like.

Yeah, well kissing, you'd also then, like it wouldn't just be mouth to mouth, it would be exposed facial nose hole to exposed facial nose hole, breathing in and out, circular breathing through one another's, keeping it all in there, one to one, and I think the white supremacists would like that. Yeah, that's true.

So, anyway. Do you think I would use the opportunities of circular breathing to play the didgeridoo? I doubt it. I doubt it. I guess it would. Given their other philosophies, I think that seems unlikely to me. You know what else does it introduce? And this is going to be horrible, Alistair. Is a new kind of 69ing, a new little micro 69,

where you have your toes in your nostrils. Of course. course. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, so it's a it's a it's a it's a it's a head. It's a full head. Yeah, just head to head 69. Oh, yeah. That's cool. I mean, that could have happened with Spider-Man. Mary Jane, when he was upside down, you know what? That is the exact imagery that came to my mind as well what I mentioned there and I think that it be hot I think On that if this island ever introduced their own version of Spider-Man if they ever developed their own white supremacist Spider-Man on this island and made a movie of it White supremacist Spider-Man

We can't come up with any original ideas we just do white supremacist spot? That's for everybody. We can't come up with any original ideas. We just do what supremacist versions. Well, again, I'm not convinced that original ideas are exactly high on their list of priorities. Sure. In that group. I mean, nothing. Oh, we're very open-minded.

We're very progressive. But we are. What's a premesist. Yes. Anyway. But, you know, we're all nervous. I didn't put a lot of thought into what I had to say because I don't like to put a lot of thought into things. Just a more white supremacist, that's it.

I mean, to be honest, now that we have our own continent, I feel like I've achieved everything that I've ever wanted. Hmm, yes, it is 100 meters down, but... Getting... Getting, getting my own place, and obviously getting my nose cut off, that was my second dream, so that I could head only 69.

Much better than regular 69ing. You're less busy. You know? It's out there with this one. This one, you feel like you can stop any time, because there's nothing that you're trying to achieve. What? Nice.

What do you people like about the 69ing? They like this sort of inverse of inverted look of it. They like the Yin Yang element, obviously not something that we would like, whatever the white version of Yin Yang is. That's what we like, but it has that pleasing form. Yes. And that's right, the lock- pleasing form. Yes. And it's right. The lock in thing. Yes.

It kind of makes your head look a bit like a keyhole. Anyway, that's enough about an exclamation point. What's the premises? I suppose. Yeah, I've written it down. You can't know, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's a real no no. It's white supremacist. Yeah, thanks. So. Um, yeah. I've been thinking of starting a tweet. Uh, you know, uh, I've been doing a lot of Twitter recently, Alistair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I've been flirting with just, just pointless stuff to get engagement, right?

Yeah. You know, that that'll just get people following me or retweeting me or whatever. And I don't care if it's good or funny or original or anything like that. I just want the engagement now. That's all I need, just the hit of that. But I was thinking one about where people tweet pictures of how this, of like their spice rack, do you think it feels like the kind of bullshit people would get on board with, right?

Oh, absolutely. You know, a Toyota picture of your spice rack. A lot of boring stuff like that. Yeah, and everyone would do it. And they'd be like, some people who've got it really organized. And they'd be like, guess I'm a little bit of a, uh, a spice organized freak. And then there'd be other people who'd have messy ones and everyone would tweet it. They'd be like, oh, how do you live like that?

You know, that kind of stuff. Yeah, what about like take a photo of how long your gross toenails are, how long have you left it? Like that. Anything that's one? Yeah, what about one way, like go to your plug hole in your bathroom and pull out the glob of hair and tweet as a picture of that and just see or like even make a video

take a photo take a few of you pulling it out what's that yeah I said take your shit on the patio and What about pull the globule out of your bath hole and then film you putting that in your mouth. What about that? Just lowering it down into your interior. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career in a rewarding field, with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments.

Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time, mycomputercareer.edu. So how about that scene from bad boys, right? Where my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, Lawrence, no, Martin Lawrence is pretending to be, he's got Tia Leoni with him.

She's, yeah. She's in, uh, witness protection. Martin Lawrence is for some reason is pretending to be a Mike Lowry. A Mike Lowry, yeah. That's right. He says I'm Mike Lowry like that. Right. He's walking around. He's talking in.

And instead of, there's a point where he goes to the bed and he goes oh yeah that's the bed he filled the lumps in the bed that's from all right right and that's him but it's that right yeah but it's nails Martin Lawrence and T. Leone but with a clump of hair that they've pulled out of the drain. Yeah. And if you feel the lumps in that, that's from all that, and then you pretend you air humps a little bit.

Is that a sketch? No, that's not is it. No, but I feel like there is something in this clump, in this, in this, in this clump. It, it, it, to me is, is, is like the closest thing to something from a nightmare that we, we spend the, the closest amount of time too. Like we stand there over that thing, naked and exposed. And if anything in the entire house

were to be the embodiment of some kind of a like an evil death spirit, it would probably be that clump. Oh, I think also, I think drains is also where like super bugs live. at evil death spirit, it would probably be that clump. Oh, I think also, I think drains is also where like super bugs live. Like I think I remember hearing that like all the, you know, all the hospitals, they just have super bugs living in their drains, but there's nothing they can do.

Anyway, so what about this? You get that clump and you gotta take the nicest photo you can of you and that clump and you got to take the nicest photo you can view in your clump. And the more hideous the clump and the better the photo. The better the photo. Yeah. I think that's, I think that could be something, Alistair. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, you could arrange it, you could lay it out on a little chair or something like that. Skulped it, skulped it, skulped it, get some little rose petals or something like that. And it'd be called, the hashtag would be, Pimp Your Clump. And... Pimp Your Clump. Yep. You got to make that clump look good.

I think Pimp my clump. Because, you know, that's the problem with the whole Pimp my ride. Cars already look quite nice. Cars already look good. And it's a good blank slate. You know, whatever car you bring in, you in, you put enough flat screen TVs in it, it's going to look good. You know? Yeah, no one here, yeah, yeah.

You can't see it's flat screen TVs. Bad, the car is you keep cramming flat screen TV after flat screen TV into that car. Eventually you got yourself a real Pimp mobile. If you got a big, if you got a big stain or something that sure just put a CRT screen on it. Mm-hmm. Old school. This clump? Yeah. Well. Yeah, no, you can't even, you can't even mount a single flat screen TV on it. It's no structural integrity. I guess you could sort of put beads, you could braid it and put beads over it.

I suppose you could. You could, I think if you took it to a skilled enough hairdresser. Craft artist. Hmm. Well, that could be a reality TV show. I think where we get you know the best hairdressers in the world, you're Tony and guys you know you're other ones and and we give them you know we get an egg you know we pull out that clump and we plonk it on top of the egg. And then we-

Where would I go from queer eye? Yeah, we plonk it on top of him, right? And then we give them some clippers, some nail scissors, and half an hour. And we say just a little bit off the top. Yeah. We see what they come up with. Yeah. I think if they got, if they gave the clump a full makeover, not just the hair, because there's other things in there too. You know, like the fashion guy works, works the, the lint, the lint balls.

Yeah. The cooking guy. I know this is cooking guy. This is just, this is not, I know this is turning into queer eye for the clump. What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? But if you look at the clump, make it, like everybody is so disgusted by it, make it okay to be in society so that you could have it in a nice part of your house.

Yeah, you're right. Not hanging down the bottom of the drain. Have it dinner with you. In the middle of the dining table. Yeah. At least sitting at one of the chairs. I thought my thought is heading towards make make a son out of your clump. Yeah, yeah, of course. You know, a lot of the time you find that these people, they're in a rut, you know, and what is the drain, but a bottomless rut. And you've got to respect the clump for the way that it hangs on to the little drain holes. Doesn't give up. It's hard to break off some of those strands.

Like Sylvestre Stallone in Cliffhanger, which I haven't seen, but in the poster. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, that's the clump. That's the pitmy clump. Or Quirai for the clump. Yeah. Yeah, which of course just makes me think of the movie, the nutty professor to the clumps. Yeah. Yeah, which of course just makes me think of the movie, not a, not a professor

to the clumps. Yeah. Um, I was listening to some poets the other day discussing one of their poems. And uh, one of them was talking about how she had the word nose in it. And another poet had advised her, you gotta take that word knows out because knows is too funny. Knows is a funny word. And then the other poet was like, yeah, and knows is funny.

It's that. And I love that because it's exact opposite of what we're trying to do when we write something. And they're like, gotta get out of that. It's too comical. It's a really funny word. And they're like, gotta get out of there. It's too comical. That's a really funny word.

So, and their poets trying to, I guess, well, they kind of job is to be serious, isn't it? Well, uncertain things, yeah. Like some of them are trying to be funny. The other guy was a former US poet laureate, Billy Collins, And he's really funny and very dry. And so when they said, look, if you're taking the word nose out of that poem, can I have it for one of my poems? For one, yeah.

I think it was the one I'm looking for funny stuff. Yeah, it knows this funny, knows this funny. So what you're saying is that this poet had to cut their nose off to... That's all right, and they had to go to their own their own land for their for their people. Yeah, and the word knows is funny and taking it out makes things more serious and the human knows is funny and and cutting it off does probably make you look more serious. Yeah, it definitely does. It kind of makes you look like that red skull villain from from Captain America. Yeah, very serious guy. You started watching a bit of Marvel movies have you LSD? No, this is a couple of years ago when I really had to go

and then I was like, oh my god, most of these are just the same thing over and over again. Yes, they are. Yes. They are absolutely are, is that a problem? Yeah, it was a huge problem. But I did watch Thor Ragnarok, so I kind of skipped ahead. I watched the first two and then I skipped ahead and just watched Thor Ragnarokrock and I thought that was funny because it seemed like every scene was supposed to be funny And I liked that and then I haven't gone back really. I think there's always a doctor strange appeal appeals to me

Yeah, at least looks pretty cool But it's a it's a it's hard knowing how like But it's a it's a it's hard knowing how like I Think that the standard for what passes for comedy in those movies is so bad mostly right and yeah, I mean but even what passes for comedy and some comedies I watched a Tina Fey and The other gals movies and I'm E-Polar. I'm E-Polar.

I'm E-Polar. And the amount of situations in which all they did, instead of having a joke or something funny, is they just said something in a kind of like black voice or something like, you know, it's a gangster like that. And I was like, oh, is that the whole thing? That's there. Like it feels like they're supposed to be two of the people

at the forefront right now. Yeah. Well, maybe not right now. Maybe like seven years ago. 30 rock we've been rewatching a bit recently. And it does have a lot of jokes in it. Yeah, that's really funny. That's very good. It's, it is just jokes.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It's not there to be like, well, there's some very important deep story. Even the story is still there as well, but yeah. And they definitely like push the boundary of what is probably acceptable. Like I don't know if maybe it's aged already a lot of the stuff, but I'm like, ah, some of this feels a little bit racist or... Yeah. Or something.

Um, anyway. But also, I think America is a little bit, um... I think there's a way in which they can address race a little bit more than we do here. Yeah, definitely. Because, yeah, just because I think everybody's a little bit more integrated. Um, then maybe here. Anyway, that's what we're doing. Same.

Yeah. Yeah, we haven't done great. Have we? No. Um, um, how many sketch ideas have we got? I'll stay. Sorry got elsewhere? We've only got four. You're not going to believe that. Sorry to say I'm so desperate when I ask. I understand that's totally fine. I can handle it. Let's see. I just got a text that it is from Melbourne Pathology. Oh, I lost it.

But, I lost it. Alright, dear Alistair, reference 359234032. Result, COVID-19 virus was not detected. This is breaking news, Alistair. Wait, it says, if in isolation, continue isolation until advised by your doctor that no further testing is required. What? If not in isolation, report any subsequent symptoms to your doctor as repeat testing may be required. Well, okay. So what does that mean? Does that mean that you can still record magma

when we go to film it on Friday? Yeah, yeah, I think so. Yeah, okay, great. Great. Yeah, I'm not. I mean, it's not detected, Alistair. To be honest, you're probably more safer to be around than I am.

You, at this point, you know you don't have it. You're more likely now to catch it from me who hasn't even been tested than I am from you. That's right. You're in a good position. You're almost invincible. I'm trying to be. We could start a new continent entirely just to people who have been tested

for coronavirus. Well, in cutoff diagnosis. In cutoff, there are no's as the ass. But nobody, we're going to need them in society. They're going to be the immune's. No, that's true. We do need that, don't we? So to get rid of all of them, then we're just kind of, we're getting rid of all the people who don't spread the disease. But then isn't there a kind of a liberal and right wing, libertarian kind of idea where

it's like, why should my immunity help other people who haven't you know, worked hard enough to develop their own immunity? I'm sick of all these freeloaders living off my antibodies. And... Oh, Lua. And they haven't taken the time to develop themselves. I don't know what I've been through. That's right, but then you have to go to this.

So then you are this libertarian, but then you gotta go to this other land where nobody benefits from your immunity, but you have to start society from zero. Yes. So that you're not benefiting from the joint effort of society that you've created. So you go, well, you know, obviously,

my strong beliefs, I feel like that nobody should rely on me. But also, I guess, equally, I shouldn't be relying on others. So, then they go to this desert and he has to just start from zero. Yeah, but I suppose also then you would have to have your memory erased, right? And like, even forget how to walk and become basically a vegetable, because you know, think about your parents have gone, have done all that work to teach you those things. You've benefited probably from, you know, elements of free education, that sort of thing, whatever's available in your state, that sort of thing. So there should be an island where we can dump the vegetative bodies of true libertarians

and they can truly become self-made men. Enough electricity, you know, pass through the head, would do a good job like that. I think it'd be a great start, yes. And I'll tell you what, we'll give them that electricity for free, you know? That is a blast. That's your last. It's an act of generosity from society.

And we won't even count that, that electricity that you got for nothing, which we had to generate, you know? But here you go, off you go to your island. No clothes, obviously. No body fat. We suctioned that all out because we knew you wouldn't want to live off, you know, that ill-gotten body fat. So it's just a bunch of people just going, like, what am I doing here? Or I guess they don't speak English anymore either. No, no, they can't speak English. They're not allowed.

So they'd be sort of groaning. I know this is a bad word, but do you think it's like a like it's like the new savages? I don't know what that is. Well, savages is a word that I was considering, you know, considering content. Oh, right. Yes. Sorry. Yeah. Right. I thought you were referring to like a TV show sort of like survivor or something called savages. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you make them not have any more knowledge or language. And then you put them on an island so that everybody's a bit like, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no. And I think that it would be a mistake for us not to film this with secret cameras

and turn it into a survivor type shot. A survivor, yeah. And I guess we could, do you think we could give them a book on libertarianism? So they get to return to being back alert if they can figure out the code of language. Yeah. They get to go back to being libertarians. Yeah.

Or do you think that's too much? Well, no, I like, I like, I like that the book's there in the middle of the island. Yeah. Obviously laminated. It's Obviously laminated or something. And but I think they would be if they managed to survive, they would be self-made meant. I mean it would be interesting to see whether or not they develop a society wouldn't it. That's right it would be great. Because You can't do these experiments with children, that's unethical, but it's not unethical to do it on libertarians. They're basically asking for it.

And it's a little bit called Liberty Island. And... Oh, that's good. Yeah. No, it's a little bit... What about libertarian island? Great, even better. Yes. Probably already isn't an island called Liberty Islands,

probably where the Statue of Liberty is. Yeah, I know. I know. It's almost like I knew. Oh. What about this? They go into the Statue of Liberty and they put some grease in it or whatever, some foam

and they bring it to life and they are allowed to walk it through New York City. I like it, Elisdair. Combining several elements that have already come up on this episode. grace, bringing sort of evil spirits to life and living a life. What was the evil spirit? I talked about the clump in the bottom blog haul potentially. That happening. I got to admit though, this clump thing as well. That is the greatest and the highest level of self-love as well.

Because that's not only a part of your body that you have discarded, but also one that you now vomit at the side of. You know, you kind of are absolutely disgusted at. And so to take care of it, that is to take care of yourself. Yes. That's really true. Yeah. You've got to love your club before you get a love another. Yeah. Okay. Pardon me. I'm just going to go find three words from a listener. No, no, Alistair. You're pardoned. You have my full pardon. I can't believe this. You have begged it of me, and so it shall be heard. I beg it of me. All right, we've got one from Amory Emerson.

Amory. Thank you, Amory. Are you a new supporter of the podcast? I believe Amory is a new supporter. Amory, thank you, God bless you, and clump bless you. Thank you for your support, and Aemory's three words. By. Yes. And you want to guess the last word? Inventions by lakes. No, Andy, but surprisingly close. It's the same amount of letters and the last two letters are right. Dogs? It is dogs. Really?

Yeah. Inventions by dogs. Yeah. That's really good. Yeah, the way it's phrased, it makes me think of a perfume, you know? Sort of like desire by dogs. Chanel, also think. Inventions by dogs.

Well, I mean, in a way, if it was a perfume, because dogs often do communicate through scent. Yeah. Right? But most perfumes are there. They're advertised that this perfume will make you attractive to the other sex, right? And so they're named accordingly, desire, CK1.

And but this one, they're saying, a dog is made this. I laughed at this by myself minutes ago. Great. And this one is designed by dogs, but it isn't to make you attractive to the to the to the other sex. It's to give you new ideas for for things you could make in your garage. You know what I like about this LSD? For too long we have tested I don't like about this, Alistair. For too long we have tested cosmetics on animals, but they have not been designed by animals or tested by animals. And this is really, it's

about time we redress the balance. We've had God knows how many years, maybe a hundred years of testing cosmetics on animals. I say they deserve a hundred years of testing them on us. And... And... That's right. Well, and also, especially if... I mean, there's a chance that a dog sniff this. This could be why they're always sniffing things. And they had an idea for their first invention.

From sniffing this, it was this perfume. It was bottling up this smell and letting them, you see, and this is the story, it's on the back of the box, right? And it's a dog and he's, you know, he's wearing a beret and he's got a pipe coming out of his mouth and he's, and he's being fed grapes and he's laying down.

Oh yeah, I think there's a, sorry, do you want to finish your thought? No indeed, it was actually, it was a, it had run out of steam. Well, I think though, but I am interested in the idea of perfumes for non-partner attracting purposes, right? Because nobody has explicitly marketed a business perfume, right? One that a man can apply to get the attention, to attract the attention of a wealthy investor or even of just someone else who works in his office on something that might make a good synergy with his division of the company.

I think the ads would play out quite beautifully of just like one businessman about to go into a meeting, nervously applying some perfume going in and we see the reactions of the other partners at the law firm as they react to this this odor and the odor is you know it's and it's called synergy or it's called you know what I think it's a great that makes you smell like a sucker okay and it attracts and it attracts big you, big businesses who are like, oh, we're gonna be out of take advantage of this guy. Yeah.

It just they get the red miss comes down. They're like, wow, I can't wait to sink my teeth into this sucker like that. And then pray and predators, you know, they come together. And then while then you got them where you want them, because they're watching your presentation in In anticipation of thinking that they're gonna make a ton of money out of you. It's called weakness by Calvin Klein

by dog By dog It's DOG. It's not dog. It DOG. DOG absolutely seems like it could be a perfume company. Dolce O. Gabbana. Who wouldn't want to buy one of their smells? You know dog the value hunter? Yeah, yeah, I know him. Do you think that's the only dog, you know? It's the only person who's officially known as dog. Like, you know, you're my dog obviously.

This is the problem. If I wanted to call my new son, who's gone on this way, know, like with Otis, everybody asks, is it named after Otis Redding? I go, we were aware of Otis Redding, right there. If I call my son Dog, everyone's going to be like, do you name after Dog the Bounty Hunter? Yeah. I know. So really, like, if you want to call you, be able to call your son dog, you've really got to call someone else dog first so that you can say that he's named after that dog.

I could adopt a kid. Yes. Call the dog. Call the dog. So you could call your other son dog. I mean, in a way, you've made a rod for your own back. You've got, perhaps, more problems than you had to begin with. There you have two dogs. You're a two dog household. But, but it's a small price to pay for the joy of being able to call your son dog having to call a different son dog.

And I was there. Do you want to take us through the sketches if we can call them that? Yeah, that's a weird one. We've come up with it today. I think you can tell when I've had my finger in all of every single one of the sketches. And I've left a mark on each one of them. And I love it. It's crazy. And I've left a mark on each one of them. And I love it, because I didn't start and I didn't scrape my finger.

Yeah, all right. So we've got the AI computer that gives the world, that sort of watches the world, and just outputs an emoji, one of the things that we need it just to random. We could connect this directly to the Doomsday clock. At the moment, the Doomsday clock doesn't have any output, you know, it doesn't have any sort of functional armatures

or actuators of any kind. It's just a clock. It just makes us feel bad. Yeah. Then we got, do you think, you know, like the Doomsday clock feels like it should have moved pretty recently, but I feel like they're like, ah, they don't need that right now. I think at this point, changing the doomsday clock would actually might have been a significant difference. We got the chip oil recovery guy who's just like look I'm sick of filling up this oil in this vet And so he sent out some little cups

That's recycling that's the purest of all possible resources. Absolutely. And then he could actually he could probably I mean oil and plastic are probably not that dissimilar from each other When you melt them down Anyway that dissimilar from each other. When you melt them down, anyway. You know what I think it'd be good to invent a chip packet that is shaped like a cone, right? It's just a cone all the way down. So that like halfway, you know how hard it is to get the little crumbs out of the corners of a chip packet?

Well, what if it was all that corner, you know, and you get about half a day. So it's a know, and you get a bit. So it's a one, it's like a one-sided cone. Yeah, yeah, you can't even really. Like as in, so like instead of like kind of being flat at the top, like a cornetto, it's actually, it's just kind of like a bulbous sphere that then comes to a triangular point.

Or the rounded on point. Yeah, it sounds good to me. Yeah, I kind of like that actually, because then it only has one corner. And like there's I guess there's square pyramids and there's triangular pyramids. Could you have a spherical pyramid? How would that not just be a cone? Well because a cone has a flat bottom. Right.

Right. So what is this? This has a sphere on the bottom. So it's balancing sort of like a... Well, I know. It can't balance. It'll just fall on its side. It kind of looks like an ice cream cone with the ice cream in it.

There are no unstable buildings, or no- There are no unstable people. There are no deliberately unstable buildings built so that they are constantly on the verge of tipping. I think that could be something. Anyway, moving on. I hear you. I guess one of those clowns, one of those clowns that you punch and then it bounces back up. Yeah, we've got one of those. Yeah, I love those. We've got one of them. Let's see what the boys love.

That's things. Yeah, it's it's it's it's it's a pocket sized one. Yeah, of course. But it's a pocket sized one. Oh, it's not big enough. The box where it arrived said on the box, it says, perfect for all occasions, pocket sized bozo the clown, perfect for all occasions. And I don't know, I feel that they've slightly overreged it. I mean, it's good, isn't it, it's bad? It's really small.

But. How small is it? How high is it come up? It's about six inches.. It's really small. But how small is it? How high is it come up? It's about six inches. That's way too small. Yeah, yeah. They undirect it. OK.

You don't think it's perfect for all occasions, clearly. Yeah. I bloody have erected. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Have you read us all the sketch ideas, LST? Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, where it's just you go and get your clump and you show self-love to it. So then, and people take nice photos with their clump and it's just a great thing. Another thing to bring us all together during your time. I love that reveal at the end would be so good. Oh, like at the end of what's that?

What was that one where people got extreme makeover? Yeah, that was great. They walk out or they throw the clump out onto the floor, or they could get a waiter with one of those topped dishes. Everybody's sitting around dinner table, they reveal the clump. They got libertarian island versus people who, I guess it doesn't really have to do it to do with them having immunity. They could just be just Apple Libertarian.

They could be fully self-sufficient. We got weakness by DOG, by, it's a business perfume that makes you smell like a sucker and so ended up at into the tracks investors. Sharks. Real sharks and then we've got adaptor kid called dog, no adoptor kid called dog so that you can call your new baby dog. Love it, love it that made the pad. Alright, Alistair, I think it's time for...

Thank you so much for listening to Two in the Think Tank, we really do appreciate it. And thanks for sticking with us through this difficult time of remote recording. We appreciate that. I hope it's been still a valid experience for you, the listener. And I was glad that you guys could all be there for me finding out that I don't have COVID-19. Yeah, yeah, that was real special. They got to be a part of that. Alistair, you have a new podcast. Is that right? Well, it's not a real podcast. I think it is. I think it's the realist. What's it called? I just made a dumb little thing. You don't have to

talk about the group of white guys is called a podcast podcast. Yeah, that's right. And I did one episode, it goes for about seven minutes and it's on pod bean, but I think if I want people to listen to it, I would actually have to put it on a proper thing. Fantastic. Yeah. And you know, there's also shushers and you shusher up. I'm trying to be more regular again with shusher. And you can also, you know, just follow Andy on things. He's at Stupid Old Andy on Twitter. And I'm at Alistair TV and we're at two in tank. We're at two in tank on things. He's at Stupid Old Andy on Twitter and I'm at Alistair TV and we're at two in tank, we're at two in tank on Instagram and also you can support us on Patreon. It's been helping immensely. People have supported us so much that it has been taking my breath away. Which is why I got tested for COVID-19. And we're going to start doing some recorded sketches.

Yeah, we're going to try and do a little thing. We're not sure which way we're going to record it. Yet, like, if it's going to be for, it shouldn't just be for Patreon. I think it should just be. Should go in the regular. Thank you for everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I think that's the people in the Patreon are helping out everybody.

And it's the one socialist thing. They're good people, unbelievable good people. So I guess we gotta go. And we, we're just gonna run out of batteries. Love. We love you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts

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