Two In The Think Tank - 239 - "THE WESTLAKE CRUSHER" with ADAM CARNEVALE from SANSPANTS

Episode Date: June 22, 2020

Our deepest and most sincere thanks to Adam for being awesome on this pod. DEFINITELY check out his live streamed shows at SOS PresentsStuntless, Offensive Driving, Saloon Hydro Power, Blades on Saddles, Powerful Metaphor, Coaldro Power, GPE Punk, Deduction Cooking, Westlake Crusher, Who's Not on First, Premature Time TravelHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereA punnet of fresh thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi icons, it's Danny Pellegrino from the Pop Culture Podcast, everything iconic, and I love Nordstrom. No place better to shop, particularly during the holiday season, because they have everything. They have holiday decor at Nordstrom. They have cozy cardigans from Barefoot Dreams, my fave. They have cold weather attire, party attire, plus free shipping and free returns. Free store pickup, you can also purchase a recycled fabric gift bag so your item arrives festive and wrapped. So check out Nordstrom this holiday season, a one-stop shop. You can explore more at Nordstrom in store or online at Nordstrom.com.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit Planet Broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Go! Oh! BOOT! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Hello. Hello. And welcome to the two of the think tank. The show where we have lost sketch ideas. Any kind of musicality. Well, well, you know what

you know what's happened, Elastair? Is you used to work pretty hard to elevate me to the realms of listenability, but I think that recently you've started seeing how badly I'm fucking it up, and then trying to end it on your own terms, like a sort of, you know, terminally ill person. And I don't think that's fair. I try to pose the question with each song. What would it be like if this song didn't want to live?

And joining us today, that's not my interpretation though, Andy. But thank you. But joining us today is Adam Karnavale from Science, Pants Radio. Hello. Hello. Thank you for having me on. It's actually pronounced, uh, Keneval. I'm so sorry.

I forgot the year. No, it's a common mistake. It's a common mistake. Yeah, it is actually. It's Midwest and I don't worry. That surname trips up a lot of stunt actors that, uh, yeah. They apparently there's a lot of different ways to spell it yeah my problem is I always look at you and I think I was gonna say

stunt actors should not be easily tripped up I mean that should be one of the yeah absolutely that's basically a job requirement or if they are tripped up they should be able to easily recover. Yes, or spectacularly fall through the upper railing of a saloon bar onto the top of a wagon covered in dust. Yes, yes, yes. Those are the two different ways that you exit a saloon in a wild west. You either fall onto the top of a dusty old wagon or you leap out and you land perfectly on your horse to ride off. There are no other options. I don't know if this is a sketch idea, is there a sketch? I mean, look, is this too lame, but there's the idea of a guy who's such a bad stuntman that he rides his motorbike so beautifully in one of the most graceful ways. I mean, he misses

the jumps, he misses the tumbles, but it's a joy to endure. Well his defensive driving skills are so strong that they can't be switched off. And he actually, you know, he avoids what would be very, very close scrapes before he even gets into them. Very often by just choosing not to drive that day at all. There's a whole movie to that idea, I think. An entire movie based around a stunt actor who ruins every shoot he's on because he can't do the stun. He's either too good at it or too bad.

No one can figure out which one. It's like seeing a graceful ballerina trying to do a pratfall, but just moving towards the ground in the most elegant kind of just everything folds and lands so softly. I would like to see a sort of a like you know a really well trained dancer take it like you know just fall through a pain glass window. Yeah I'd better say that more emotional finish. Yeah related to the carrot conversation um I you know they say that the actually the best defensive driving is offensive driving I I had an idea when we're talking about saloons by the way the best defensive driving is no

okay all right Alistair let's do your your idea. No, no, there's nothing more than that. There's nothing more than that. Alistair, Alistair. You know, why can't that be an entire sketch? Why can't it be you show up to the first day of your defensive driving course? And they tell you that the first, you know, what's the first rule of defensive driving? Defense driving, you don't talk about

defensive driving club, yes,, or don't talk about defensive driving club. Yes, exactly. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and then the second rule is always attack, you know. You can be one step ahead, especially if they think you've done a defensive driving course, right, so that they think you're going to be, you know, a bit meek about it, a bit retiring, but then that's when you get them. Surely, surely that sketch works really well

if you've got like a destruction derby driver as the instructor or whatever for that. Then you've got that like, the guy comes in, maybe he's missing an arm, he's got like a pinned up sleeve or whatever, a scar on one eye, he's missing an arm, he's got like a pinned up sleeve or whatever, the scar on one eye, he's like, look, the only way to stop them from hitting you is to hit him first.

That's a hit, yes. Yeah. And, but also can we just pencil in the idea of the defensive derby, which is providing all these ideas that we've had so far, And it's a devilish dummy. But everyone's an expert defensive driver, so they spend the whole time letting each other pass, following the speed limit, and doing perfect reverse parts.

Well, they would move around. From above, they would actually replicate what particles in a gas, just moving around, all missing each other. Like that, I assume that's how it goes. Maybe set up. No, I think you're thinking of Bose Einstein condensate where they become, they act as one super particle. A Bose Einstein.

Oh, oh. Yeah. Yeah, me and Andy talk about a lot of rare states of matter. I might happen to have noticed you tweeting about rare states of matter not long ago as well. Well you tweeting about rest states of Madden along it goes Well, it's trust me there's gonna be a lot more of that kind of stuff That's what I'm I realize you have to find an issue for me. It's rare states of matter The only state for me that isn't rare is when I'm tweeting about states of matter. I do that all the time

I Yeah, maybe the setup to just going back to the destruction Derby sketch, maybe the setup is that you've got that defensive driving instructor and the offensive driving instructor and they get mixed up on which class they're going to. So yeah, you've got the defensive Derby and the offensive, defensive driving. Of course, yeah, yeah. I think for some reason in my mind, I keep seeing the offensive driver driving guy telling you to just grind up against the curb when you're

driving, when you're parking, whatever, and not let the curb win. Like you've set up your tire so that you can, you just grind that curb away until it just hits the grass. I don't know. You know how they got confused. One of them surname was Canevel and the other one was Cane Valet and trips up a lot of stunt driver booking organizers. They go these words look the same. They go these words look the same. Can I turn it away? It's an entirely verbal system. It's a verbal tradition, stud person, booking. Yeah, it's all oral.

100% yeah. Anyway, I just want to say, I think about the saloons. All right? Yes. If I was, you know, one of the McFlintock gang, right? Bandit's ruthless bandit's classic. And if I was blowing into town and about to take on the new, do good a guy who's in town shaking up things and... Reynolds, Reynolds, Brian Dwyth. Reynolds, Reynolds, bandwit.

What I would do before I bust into the saloon where I knew that he was about to try and... Because I know he's going to try and jump out the window onto the back of his horse. I'd go and I'd put spikes on the backs of all the horses. Ah! Or get the... What you do is, this takes a lot of pre-planning,

but maybe you're the sort of outlaw who likes pre-planning. They exist, I'm sure. What you do is, you get the hitch in post, and you adjust it so that it's slightly further away, so that when they jump out, instead of onto the horses back, they land on the horses head. There you go. Breaking the horses neck.

Then you get free horse meat. Because I mean, you know. That's the scam. That's what they don't tell you about the bandit business. All the monies in horse meat. It's like running a service station. You don't make your money from selling petrol. You make it from selling the candy at the counter.

A hundred cents. So it is with banditry. It's not the small villages that you terrorize for no reason. Okay, it's the horse meat. It's the horse meat we made along the way. Yeah. It's not the reward that you get for catching the bandit. It's the horse meat that you get to salt and eat for the rest

for at least three days before it goes bad. Right. Yeah. There's also a great scene where you take the dead horse and you tie its hooves together and then you sling it across the back of a person, I guess, and then give the person a slap on the ass and they trot off carrying the... Sure, or what you could do is you could... The horse corpse.

You could prop up the horse corpse near the bar where you tie it up again near the window again. Yeah. And then you try to catch another bandit and he jumps out and lands on it starts tenderizing your meat for you. Free tenderizing. That's all that elbow grease that you don't have to. Excellent. And then eventually what you could do is create a whole energy-based system, based on bandits jumping out of windows and then collecting that energy.

And you could finish it up. You could finish it up by putting a layer of glue on the window that they jump out of so that the last time they jump, they smash that, glass comes down, and that chops the meat for you. Then you've got your cuts. That's excellent. I think real car boys used to do that. They would divide cuts of meat

by where someone would land on the horse if they fell. You'll cowboy horse sashimi glass pain method. It was a real artistry, ancient artistry that's actually quite been lost. It's one of the few American art forms. There's jazz and there's cow cowboy horse windowpane sashimi. You're not going to like me trying to turn this into a separate sketch, Alistair, but I do think the idea of generating electricity with some sort of paddle wheel system, sort

of a form of hydroelectricity, but that relies on the falling bodies of, of bottonelectros who've been, shh, shh, exactly. They've been shot up on the top level of the saloon and then fall down. If you've got your thing set up in the right place with the paddles, each run lands on the paddle,

spins it around. You know, it doesn't look like there's a lot of water in some of these wild west towns. You've got to be creative. And that's where this whole new generation system comes into play. And then it gets themselves up there. And then slowly over time, you get the sort of like companies

that rise up out of those, you know, specific power sources. And then sometime in the 20th century, we start realizing that bandits are not a renewable resource. Of course. So we need to figure out a way to switch over to a non-renewable resource. Wait, did I get that wrong way round? I think I got that wrong way. No.

Well, you got it the right way round the first time, and then you... Then I messed it up. ...and I messed it up halfway through but yeah, but then what you could do is you could set up this is the You know the the terms of society because your person with a lot of money and make sure that there's no sort of social safety net so people kind of Fall into the water wheel instead of the safety net exactly Well, of course there's there's all the other places they could fall. There's the metaphor. I mean, if you could catch their metaphorical fall as well and get energy from that.

But I guess if they needed to also steal to get things, then you could, it's essentially we're inventing the prison system in America. But you get people to steal things, then they become bandits, then they they jump or they get into a bar fight, fall into the thing again. The other question that I had, I liked that a lot and that's all written down, but what I didn't get straight away was Andy's first saloon idea. What was the relevance of the spikes? Well, you know that the guys, when they're trying, when they know that you're busting into the slune or the cowhouse or whatever, they're going to try and get away by jumping

out the window, whistling up old, old Betsy. Yeah. You know, he comes trotting along. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, somebody who can whistle. Betsy, the cow. I mean, why are there no cowboys that ride cows? Very true. Very true. Also, why are there no horses called Betsy? And so she trots up and then you hop out, you know, landing perfectly on the back of your horse. But if they've put like a blade or just substituted it with a much more malnourished horse, such that its spine is so sharp that you become just sliced in two as you land on

its back. You know that's doing their work for them basically. Sure and so the ideas you want to just kill the person like you're sort of using a method. Well they're your enemy. They're your enemy. Oh yeah. Jumping out the window. That's why they're trying to get away from you by jumping out the window. It's not just the way they leave their things Yeah, look, I'm going to be very honest here and I'm going to tell you that that has made more sense to me than anything I learned at school. So, well that's great. I wonder what language. Alistair, Alistair, the whole time listening to me thinking, but this is going to hurt the

person. I know. I don't think he realizes. I think I was thinking about how, because his name was something bandwidth hurt the person. That's what I think he realizes. I think I was thinking about how, because his name was something bandwidth in the end, and Gerald bandwidth, I think, and then I was like, I was like, what is spreading broad band from town to town,

bringing them information, but they don't appreciate it. They think he's a criminal. But I thought maybe, I wasn't 100% sure, I thought that maybe your thing was like, this guy is rich in spikes or blades or something like that. And that's why he can put blades on every horse. And he's like, oh, he's like Oprah, just going like, you get some blades and you get some blades and understand.

But he's kind of just treating the horses like sort of the edges of a building, like these days do to stop sort of pigeons from going on them or skateboarders or whatever. Exactly, exactly. It's actually a big problem, the dropping cowboy. And then as society progresses, we can slowly move from a non-renewable resource, like falling bandits.

It starts moving over to a renewable resource like metaphors. So you can remove the safety net as it were, and then metaphors can fall into the water wheel and start turning that. And then we're good again. Society slowly, slowly we stop polluting with dirty, dirty bandits bandits and we switched over to clean metaphors. Yeah. I mean, it would be a great way to get energy from literature. Yes. I mean, people wouldn't have so much of a problem with poets if the power of their poetry, the emotional power, could be somehow turned into kinetic energy.

Well, subsidized poets, I think. Used to boil water. Like, I mean, imagine if you could write a poem, so powerful that you could tell it to a pot of water on the stove or anywhere and use it to boil eggs, you know, that's poetry to me. That's the idea that you have to keep going, like until it's done, you go, oh man,

I don't know if I got this many stanzas in me today. I once met a man from Nantucket, bobo bobo bobo bobo bobo bobo bobo bobo bobo. I've written this thing, look, I, that's what I was gonna think about these metaphors. Because me and Andy have been thinking about photons a lot recently, we're doing a little bit of sciencey stuff. And so a photon particle has no weight, has no mass.

And I feel like that's what a metaphor is like. But because a photon has no mass, it means it goes to speed of light. And do you think that metaphors would travel at the speed of light? Because you use them to tell them by sign. Yeah, of course for a second. Are you trying to describe a metaphor with a metaphor?

That's a very meta metaphor, isn't it? It is. Look, it's very weird because I am using it, using a very real world example for something that is quite, it's like a reverse metaphor. I might be wrong here. I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to use the name in the definition. Isn't that how it's supposed to work? Look.

There's the word dictionary has itself in its self. That's true. And it presents. Sorry, the dictionary is fine with it please continue I wonder if yeah I mean you'd you'd hope that if you were making the dictionary and selling the dictionary you wouldn't need to include the definition of the word dictionary in the dictionary and that dictionary the definition of dictionary in the dictionary just says see and nothing else. You're already looking at it so it doesn't need to prefer you somewhere else. It just says see.

See? Ah, yes, yes, I see. You're looking at it. Get a life co-jack. I don't know what any of those words mean, but I mean I get life. All the talk about falling and generating power did make me think of one thing which is that recently they knocked down the hazele the towers, the cooling towers at the old hazele wood power station here in Victoria, one of the Australia's biggest and dirtiest coal-fired power stations.

And seeing all of those towers, huge towers, there were eight of them, come crashing down. And all that stored kinetic energy in those towers fall down like that. You'd think it would be great if there was some way we could have turned that into electricity. And I realized that in a way that's the least renewable of all the forms of energy. The energy that you get from destroying non-renewable energy.

But we're always destroying things. So surely, if the tank runs on the destruction, like how my engine, I could put 91 or 98 or whatever, and let it into it. Maybe this engine, you can put destroying a power plant or destroying a skyscraper or some of that that needs to come down. Well, you could put, you know, you could just put a small part of a tower of a power station

just directly into your tank. And then, I guess you would just have a small part of a tower of a full power station just directly into your tank. And then I guess you would just have a little sort of like implosion device in your tank that would make it fall, then make your car like that. There would be a version of, okay, let's imagine not steam punk, right? But this is gravitational potential energy punk. Right. And what it is, is everything, every mechanism, is powered merely by falling rocks. And so, you want to drive your car a certain distance.

Your car has a huge ladder, right? Or maybe there are service stations where you can go and do this. Maybe, you know, they'd be like, they'd be buildings that are really, really tall and up the top of these buildings, they've got big rocks, right? Big round rocks. And then your car has a really, really, really, really long pipe that goes all the way up to this petrol station, right? And then the pipe comes down to your car and then bends at a little L shape and then pokes out the back. And then the pipe comes down to your car and then bends a little L shape and then pokes out the back. And then the rock falls down the pipe and as it falls it pushes the air down out of the way in front of it and out the back of your car, right? And then, you know, if the

pipe's high enough, I'm talking two, three kilometers up in the air, then as it falls, that will give you enough push to drive, you know, maybe two, three kilometers. Who knows? And this isn't just for cars. This is everything, like your little wristwatch. You've got to hold your wrist perfectly level, because there's a pipe that goes two, three kilometers up in the air, and that just has a little pebble falling down in it. And it turns, the air turns the hands, blows the hands around, if you were to be able to tell what the time is. What I love about this is that it implies the scenario where, and I know the two of you are going to absolutely love this,

it implies the scenario where there's a board meeting from an energy column, right? And one person, a scientist up the end, is explaining something's the board, and they say, hey, so we, to get those rocks up to those skyscrapers, we use a rock at a slightly higher skyscraper as the energy to get that rock up there. But the problem is we need to keep building taller skyscrapers to get those rocks up to taller and taller spaces, where we're in a space race, as it were, to try and make a tall skyscraper

as high as possible. Yeah, I guess you could imagine that this is a world in which it started out where there was lots of just big piles of rocks Right just all around and so they they based their whole economy around falling rocks. Yeah But you know those rocks rocks all built up into mountains peaks if you will and then at a certain point They've Droped them all down and they reach what's called peak peak They've dropped them all down and they reach what's called peak peak

Yeah, and then and then they had to start using the rocks to start elevating the rocks So that they like and then to do this thing where they had to keep building new piles, but using the other lesser piles Maybe you could just you could drop sort of five Lower rocks to make one rock go really high. Oh, absolutely good. Absolutely good. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, in this world they have oil, but they just use it for greasing the rocks.

Yeah. And parks. Yeah. And they've got that and they've just got those like like a seesaw. They've got sees sauce for launching rocks. And then the only way that they can actually get more energy once all the rocks are down is that they just have to start digging holes. Oh, but imagine how they're dropping them down holes. But imagine how these people would have dealt with an impending meteorite like the race

would be on to build the biggest possible sea saw, right? Yes. I love enough rocks on the other end of the sea saw. To all, all the way up there. That's a completely different form of the movie Armageddon. Instead of getting like, or like, trillers or whatever to crack in.

They're, yeah, they're excited. They're excited. they're excited, they gotta get all these energy, these people who work in the energy industry to figure out how to harness this big rock that's fallen really far. They're like, this is gonna set us up for another 200 years. You know, we're gonna get so many rocks so high up.

I'm dead. It's an apocalypse if we're not struck by a meteor. Exactly, there's no more energy left. This rock is our last chance. How are we going to get any more energy? Ah, I keep slipping on all this oil. What are we going to get rid of this oil? Yeah, hopefully the rock will burn it.

Get it out of the way. Yeah. I think that turned out huge. That's got a real arc that one. It does. Yeah. And I think there's a lesson in it. Yes, a metaphor.

Not that we'll ever know, but we'll be, even if we can't figure out the meaning of the metaphor, we will at the very least be able to get a tiny little bit energy as we shoot it towards, you know, through however you were, we're going to collect this metaphor energy, but they were just speaking it into water. I know you haven't written this down, Alistair, but I want us to be, to remember the idea of writing poetry so powerful that you can use it to boil water. I haven't read it yet.

You've written it down. Oh my God. You need can use it to boil water. I have read it. I have read it. You've read it. You've read it to them. Oh my God. You need to put a poem pot of water. You didn't believe in them. Yet he proved you wrong. You know, that could lead to a whole, you know, an alternative to the induction cooker.

Hmm. That you know, you can. Oh, how about this, the deduction cooker. Oh, yes. Oh, it's a production cooker. That you know, you can... Oh, how about this, the deduction cooker? Yes. Oh, it's a similar thing. Go on, tell me how it works. I mean, this is basically a similar idea, but you basically stand next to it,

and you say, well, if water is wet, and I am dry, if I touch the water, then either I will become wet or it will become dry. You know what this is? This is because knowledge is power, right? And you are deriving a new knowledge from first principles and using that to a parent. And that's another metaphor. I see you have a basic edition. I shield that a little bit more money and I got the Poirot edition. Mine, oh wow, he eats so well.

Poirot comes into the room with a simple handkerchief or whatever and blows his nose, walks up and down the line of suspects and then turns around. And as soon as his mouth opens, the kettle is a boil. Yeah. The only problem is you've got to prepare six or seven different meals, all that could plausibly be eaten, and then he only ends up boiling one of them. Look, I'm running it down. I didn't think it was going to

run down, but deduction. Okay. This is what I'm up against at him. He pre-judges every single idea. He knows as soon as just from the look in your eyes. He's like, I'm not going to like this. And if you don't stand a chance. Well, you could maybe get a multi-burner system if you got the Poirot in brackets, murder on the Orient Express edition, spoilers.

But yeah, if you got something like that, you could multi-burn and get multiple deductions going on in one. Is the spoiler that Poirot is in the murder on the Orient Express? No, the spoiler is and skip ahead a few seconds, you don't wanna spoil it from the murder on the Orient Express. No, the spoiler is and skip ahead a few seconds if you don't want to spoil it from the murder on the Orient Express.

If you feed saving murder on the Orient Express, they're all murderous. Oh my God. Yeah. I see. And so then you could sort of make a full like eight course meal. 100% yeah. All through boiled water.

I mean, that is, that is, that. Talking soup, we're talking. But, I mean, don't you feel that by doing that, like, there are in terms of the possible plots for a detective mystery, right? So apparently the first mystery story ever was this one by Edgar Allan Poe, where it turns out a monkey did it? Is, right? So apparently the first mystery story ever was this one by Ed Grail and Poe where it turns out a monkey did it?

Is that right? Oh. Detective story. So that from a Sherlock Holmes, yeah, anyway, sorry, go on, go on. But I think, and so like, there are a certain number of big twist plots that you can only really do once

because they're power resides only in the fact that nobody's ever thought of doing that before. Right? So we started out early burning a great possible plot, a monkey did it. Right? And then you go through and you get your first unreliable narrator. I think that might also be Poe, where it was turned out that's the guy telling the story, what done the murder and then you go through and then you get your you get your Agatha Christie coming across this one

and I'm like, oh, what if they all did it? Everybody did the murder, okay? But are there any other any other possible versions of that? Right? Yeah. I, if somebody dropped a piano on somebody, but then removed the piano, right? You take away the piano. Aha. Go on. You drive it away, you put it in a lake or something. Yeah.

Right. If detectives find a piano in the lake, they're not going to be like, the murder weapon. They're going to go, somebody's dumped a piano in the lake. They're not going to be like the murder weapon. They're going to go, somebody's dumped a piano in the lake. I'll just ignore that for a minute and focus on this more important murder. This is more important crushing murder. I know, but no one's going to think you're going to leave the body there, but take away the piano. I think crushing is an interesting modus operandi for a serial killer, you know?

The West Lake Crusher, right? And every victim has been crushed with a different household object. And what's fun about this is that from a, I'm thinking about production wise, obviously. We're gonna save a lot of money on corpse makeup and that sort of thing. Because all we need to do is get a couple of cans

of diced tomatoes, well, there's big cans that you get from a wholesale place. And maybe a big packet of, a packet of minced meat. Yeah. Pack it, a packet of minced meat and a few. One packet, that's enough for a body. A few cannelloni, like those,

that one of those long sort of round pasta things. You just smash a few of those in there for some bones or whatever. Maybe even a little rigotoneoni just to mix things up sure sure for the year The cannelloni were his legs the rigatoni were his fingers finger bones the old twisty finger bones Yeah, I mean that's a shame that is a shame that our bones don't twist like aren't't little twisting things like that because it'd be great to do this. That's me, I'm twisting my finger for those who are only listening, which is everybody. You mean that you can physically like another option for your finger.

Like you could hold your fist steady and another option for your finger as well as the standard bend at the knuckle. Is that it almost has a wrist-like function in each of those knuckle joins where they can also rotate, is that what you're after? It is now. A pointed finger can just twist on its own. That's a good thing to put into like a horror movie or something. Because I haven't seen that done. And that could be another possible ending for a horror movie or something. Because I haven't seen that done. And that could be another possible ending

for a detective movie. Nobody's done that. Oh, it was done by somebody whose fingers can twist. Maybe that's just a special quirk of the West Lake Crusher. I have assembled you all here to discover who Zikila could be. He was someone incredibly flexible.

Could it have been you, the maid, you, the butler, Gumbi, could it have been you, the sous chef, you, the acrobat. But I think you, the person who, the contortionist, or you, the person with these spinning fingers. Well, that I simple. Moe, is that you? Moe from the three stuches.

Sorry. When my fingers spin, they make a the harm. I think a murder at a contortionist convention is quite satisfying. They're all contortionists, right? And the mystery is that the killer came in through the front door and not through one of the... Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT.

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that it wasn't one of the contortionists. It was the coach. Oh! Yeah. It is interesting, isn't it, that like very often in sports coaching, the coaches themselves, particularly in swimming, I've noticed this, they don't have to be the most athletic looking of people. Sure. And I think that... Would you say the most athletic is usually the swimmers?

Yeah, yeah, certainly in that context. Yeah, absolutely. It's very hard in some respects to look, particularly athletic, when you're a boy kids, a little bit swimming. But I think, you know, I think you could have a contortionist coach who is very, very stiff, quite immobile.

And personality wise too. Yes, yes. And dead. Yes, very good rigour mortis. Oh, imagine, oh, imagine if the person who killed the dead guy was the person who was already dead somehow. Maybe the West Lake Crusher dropped the money. Yes, yes.

They were or the corpse is of the West Lake Crusher and their last kill was with their own body as the murder implement. Yeah. Yeah. He went and stood on the, he went and died up on top of the chimney. He had his body made entirely of ice

so that it would melt away and they'd never find the murder weapon. Yeah. He had his body made it Tali of ours. Okay, this is how he would do it. This is how he would do it. He would put himself into a vat of acid in a cool room. So he brings the vat of acid into the cool room, right?

The cool room with the weak floor. He puts this big vat of acid there. Then he gets in, he dissolves in this vat of acid. The cool room, which is actually a very cool room, it's a freezer. It freezes, it freezes the vat of acid. It turns into ice. It freezes the vat of acid. It turns into ice. And then the floor, which has been strategically weakened

using more acid that was dripping while the melting was happening, then causes the floor to collapse. It falls through lands on the governor, whose room is just underneath a huge ice room. His room is underneath the ice room. Which he loved because he could always get ice through a little tube straight into his room. And then the crusher dissolves and disappears. He's already dissolved. So then he melts and he's just in the carpet. My favorite part about that is presumably the part where Poirot is looking around the room.

And he sees where the ice comes out of and like the cogs are working in his mind. And you see, hmm, wait a minute. It would appear that the murderer is in this very room. And then he points to the rug. They've been squelching around on this rug the entire time. We never suspected that huge hole in the ceiling. I expected that huge hole in the ceiling.

I mean, I think crushing somebody with an enormous block of ice, if you, if you for some bizarre reason, a confident that nobody is going to come and find what's left of the body before this ice has defrosted, then I think it's actually a pretty, the body before this ice has defrosted. Mm. And then I think it's actually a pretty, pretty groovy method. Yeah. Especially if the block of ice is falling into,

it's like you're crushing it in like a hot yoga kind of room because then as long as the hot... So there's a hot yoga room underneath the courtroom? Yeah. It's a hot yoga room or a sauna or something like that. Underneath the ice. It's just the worst design to free jibber. Well, it's two separate businesses.

They're allowed to live on top and underneath one another and not share energy bills in any way. I think they both both training a lot of energy. I think they should be sharing energy bills. They probably save a bit of money going in together. That's true. If you buy more, you kind of do get a bit, that's like this count maybe. I want to get on some go go.

Oh, the, well, the big ram yoga people, you know what they're going to be. They're all going gonna be very flexible. He's gonna be a lot of finger spinners amongst. Just finger, base of finger wrists. That's what it is. That's what would spin your finger like that. And owls, owls would be able to spin them even more.

Just they can do full 180. I don't know. owls can spin their fingers all the way around, I've heard. Yeah. Look, there's nothing to do that at all. they can do full 180. I was gonna spend their fingers all the way around, I've heard. Look, there's nothing to do that at all, because none of us can think of a single use for a spilling finger. That's the problem.

I mean, I think sort of like cleaning out your ear, like I think it would be interesting to just poke one in and then not have to engage the wrist and just spin the finger. But, you know, it's marginal. It's a marginal gain. Here's something. So you know how in like a heist movie or something like that, someone will have that little device that will cut a hole in glass or something like that? Oh, yes. You can, on your finger, just really grow out the nail

and then you do the little spin. You don't even need the machine. So someone could check you for it, pat you down. Maybe you're getting into the art gallery. They pat you down. They're like, hasn't got the glass cutting machine. Just a really long, weird finger nail. Go on you go.

And then, so then you would do like this. And then you would do like this like that would exactly be it that would a hundred percent be every element correct yeah see yeah yeah so you're already in the out galley oh but you're needing to get into one of the cases yes yeah to to steal the baseball diamond steal the baseball diamond. Baseball diamond, yes. Look, first discovered by Lewis Baseball in 1982. Lewis Baseball, well you see my ancestor was a baseball player. I mean, I don't know when they were giving out names.

Do you think there was a year where they gave out names? Where they went, everybody gets last names now. I think there was a year where they gave out names? Where they went, all right, everybody gets last names now. And so, man. I think that makes a lot of sense. Like one person did it and then everyone else started doing it. One person was like, yes, okay. No, no, no, go. I wanna hear your version.

One person was like, you know what? I've been doing so much damn Smith. And I think I'm going to, look, just everyone, you can just call me John, you just call me Smith, just call me Smith, just call me Smith, just call me Smith, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And everyone else will like,

ah, Smith's good, carpenter? I'm Joey carpenter. Yeah, because they were, they were for a while doing that thing of like, my name is Eleva Deloxley and so you were putting like the place Eleva Deloxley. Oh, yeah, yeah, of such a place. Yeah. And I don't know for or Steven's son or something like that. Steven's son. Yeah. And then so that puts the name of your dad in there. But it was only the name of the first dad. Or is it in in Norway or something like that that you do just get A new last name that's based on your dad's first name. I

Don't think there's I don't think they're still updating the The names I think that again, they locked them in it's sort of like the point in and they locked them in. It's sort of like the point in the history of the universe, where there was a period just after the Big Bang when all the physical laws sort of became locked in. You know, the universe expanded to a certain point and then it was like, no, okay, that's it. From now on, this is what gravity is gonna be like.

We just shut that down and nobody's coming up with any more last names. Profession-based last names or dad-based last names. Nobody's surname is dad, which is a shame. That is a shame. What about Tom Papa? You can get things like pop-offs or something like that. Pop-offs. Yeah. I always read pop-offs as connevil. That's my problem.

I don't know where I was going with that. Yeah. Carnival, are you related to that cruise ship that tipped over in the Mediterranean? A cousin, yeah. But a distant cousin. Yeah, okay. Did you hear how that happened? That that guy was like,

I think the guy was like, the captain was like, let's go close to the thing. There's some people we need to wave at. Or whatever. We need to show people that we can like, turn close to the shore. And then it's like, whoa.

Whoa. Uh oh. Is that what close to the shore. Then it's all like, whoa. Is that what happened to the Titanic? Was he going to wave at some... Penguins on the iceberg. I was trying to not say penguins. Some friends of penguins. I think I would have been polar bears actually. It would have been up north, right?

I don't think penguins get that far north. Oh, man That's why I was trying to not say penguins. Oh was it north? I just always assumed it was down south But that doesn't the Titanic Well, I assume that the Titanic I've never thought about it. I've just never thought about it I've just put it in my mind down near and across you got the Titanic, the real life ship and the plane from lost, the fake not real life plane confused. And I get that.

I understand. Yeah. Did that plane hit us big? I crashed or something. I don't know. I haven't watched season one. Was the island in the, was the lost island? They ever give the exact location.

Rough look. I think it was, look, once again, spoilers, but I think it was meant to be hell or something Yeah, right, so not exact so yeah, is that is that in the South Pacific? Yeah, maybe look once again only scene season one everything else. I've just kind of heard people, you know half remembered Conversations at a party. I think it was maybe not hell but purgatory. I think the island was meant to be purgatory Purgatory seems like the best one Yeah, look and that is exactly what happened to the passengers on the Titanic They also went to they the iceberg was put purgatory for them in a way

That's right someone say for me from this No, they they're lucky cuz they live on forever through Purgatory Burgertory There you go Is that constitute saving you from that? Yeah, look at that it's all for changed. So yeah, thank you. We have we have so many ideas today So I'm gonna take a straight to our three words. Oh my god. I don't know if you know this, Adam, but we have listeners.

And sometimes they can support us on Patreon and they can suggest three words that we'll use to come up with a sketch idea. And today's listener is Josh Sean. Hey Josh, Josh Sean. Hi Josh Sean. I hope we haven't already done this one. I don't know if we probably I mean I think I would remember a name like Josh Sean You don't get a more blatant use of her first name as a surname than Sean. Yeah

Yeah, unless it's a Sean is you Sean. You would have thought would be a classic that you look at that You'd be like that's gonna be your first forever, man. It's never gonna be a surname. But we all grow up, we all become squares. Just one. So, name sure. The only name that could be maybe more blatant would be if his name was Josh First's name. Yes.

Yeah. My last name is First Name. Who's on First? First Name. Anyway. I mean, imagine, let's imagine a version of Who's on First, but the name of the person who's on First is not on First. Okay.

Tell me that's not a funny sketch. Yeah. One of us be Abbott, the other one, B Castello. Another one, sorry, one of us be Abbott, another one, B Castello, and then the third one is that, you know, the third person in that classic sketch.

The audience. Yeah. Maybe one of their writers. So, who's on first? I think his name is not on first. I think his first name is somebody who's somebody who's not on first is on first. What? And seen. Well, who's on second? Well, what's the... There is no person on second.

There's nobody on second. There is nobody on second. There is no second. Hello, I'm Mr. No Person on Second. First name there is. I mean, there's so many variations. Let me tell you, my, my baseball career was short lived. Um, and who's on third?

Who's on third is a man called, I don't want to do this anymore. No, no, but who's on the last? I don't want to do this anymore. What about fourth? I told you this wouldn't work this and fourth is home What about fifth base diminishing returns ever heard of this think you've run out of basis And diminishing returns though there you go though as well. That makes sense.

What was the first guy's name? I'll write this down even though it's very silly. Somebody who's not on first. But that always bug me about that sketch, right? Yeah. The names aren't real names. Yeah. Right? Like the names for the people that they've chosen on those, like that's supposedly like

the classic sketch that everybody knows. And it doesn't work. The premise is very weak. They're not. It's weak. It's weak. We should let Arbit and Gistello know. It's very weak. It's weak. It's weak. We should let Abbott Gistello know. It's, do they have like a public facing email address that we can contact them on?

I think that two of them are open. And we'll pitch them blades on horses. And then, I don't know, all right. Do what I just wanna hear on three. Blades in settles. Blades in settles. Now blades in settles. Oh, that's very good, Andy.

You can be the type. All right. Look, we can't just come up with sketches based on the name of the person. We have to come up with user actual words. So Josh Shohn has suggested three words. Adam, would you like to guess what one of the words is? Oh, all right. All right. Is the war, have you given me a clue already? No, that I didn't realize. No, just one. All right. So I just got a guess. One of the words. Well, there's only so many words. So

is one of them giraffe. You couldn't be further from the truth. Andy. is one of them giraffe. You couldn't be further from the truth, Andy. Damn it. Do you want to have a guess? Evangelion? No, not even close. The three words are time, travel, and fetish. All right.

Time travel fetish. That's a string. Yeah, look, I mean, there's essentially already a sketch idea in there about, I guess, somebody who fetishizes time travel. Oh, I guess, I guess that could be too. I thought it was a travel fetish and a guy who has time for his travel fetish and And it's a guy who has time for his travel fetish. Hmm. Finally What about somebody who Who has a fetish for premature ejaculating right? Mm-hmm, but they I can't come unless I've already come

Oh no. Oh no. And that's great. I saw the only way to do it. Is to travel back in time. Wow. Is that right? That works. Oh my god. you took that hot nonsense

and you made sense out of it. Wow. That role. Wow. That makes sense. Wow. Is this what the movie The Time Traveler's wife is about, her just look of disappointment

as he does this yet again? As a second version of him walking to the room. You came, but it was too early and then he can come. Yeah. Wow. Somehow worked. Is that even a paradox? I guess you know I think that's one of those neat loops that you can probably get away with where it just is. How's the first person coming? Wait. Well, it could even just be a lie. It doesn't even need a... Like, when you're looking at, I don't know, a fee that a review have ever had that experience. I don't want to assume.

But if you're ever looking at porn online, that's not necessarily always a real thing. I'm interested in checking it out one day, but yeah, go on. Yeah, so what I did is place Google porn or There's a website www.pawn.com Don't a you don't a you if you go just comment. I'll take you to the US site A lot of it doesn't work down here or something. They use a lot of positions that are not compatible with our energy to 2,240 volts. That's the honor of differently, it's a whole thing. At the moment, the Australian entertainment industry is going through ruckians because of, you know,

the influence of the big US streaming sites and that sort of thing and there's a lot of people to them to get local content quotas. And I do hope that we get there. And then the next thing will, of course, be taking on the big porn websites and getting them to have local content quotas as well. Yeah. 100%. Wait, were you going somewhere with this porn thing? No, that

was basically it. No, that's good. I mean, it's just improv line. I mean, it's good to also just be informed about porn. Yeah, 100%. Well, then I will take us through today's sketches if that's okay. Please please do say anything if you guys want But so we've got the worst stunt man, which is you know, it's a very graceful person actually very beautiful to watch Yeah, but terrible for your action movie So I guess can I just I know I'm sorry to bring up porn again. And it feels a bit numb to talk about, but I'm just very ghost. I'm interested. I don't know if I would look this up myself, but I'm wondering if you went to

www.notporn.com. Oh, what, what do you think it would be? I mean, it must be a website, right? Yeah, 100%. And there would be something there. And I'm just wondering what, what I'm just wondering what it would be. I would give it 50, 50 chance. It's either a very religious, maybe Christian website

that's like anti-porn, or other 50%. It's a porn website. Yeah. And then 50%. It's both. Oh! Mix it in all the other. Yeah, it's another 50% it's both Mix mix it all for a cell Look, it's a beautiful website

It says not porn.com. This is not the Australian version. So They spell on are different, but it looks like it's kind of just one of these like, hey, we've written some articles. There's one that says, Italians, we should celebrate instead of Christopher Columbus. Well, I know one. Well, they are guests. Adam, kind of, I'll. Hey. I want to learn about Italians that are worth celebrating.

What should I go to? Oh, not porn. Not porn.com. Wait, it's time for the Illuminati to address its diversity issue. This could be a comedy website maybe. Maybe. Illuminati, that also seems sounds a bit Italian.

Oh, hang on wait. Illuminati, yeah, no, it does. Yep, check out. I think it might be a, maybe a Roman, maybe it could be Latin. Yeah, mayhaps. Mayhaps. Did you really say mayhaps?

Because that's a beautiful word. Oh, I like a mayhaps. Yeah, oh, I will absolutely add that into the lexicon. And he were adding mayhaps to two in the think tanks lexicon. Sure, sure, What about Kirby? Kirby? How do you say that? Yeah, is that instead of maybe? My hapsis can but is it can body

Maybe and perhaps and I was combining combining perhaps and maybe Yeah, sure or per flower All right, I am gonna just move on, all right, so we got that. Then we got the best defensive driving is offensive driving, and this is, of course, the old switcheroo that happens with the, unfortunately, when the Carnivaly and the Keneval drivers, driving instructors, get mixed up and one sends the offensive driver to the defensive driving class. And then the offensive driving teacher

that should have, the defensive driving teacher that should have gone to that, goes to the big smash derby, where everybody misses each other. Sort of like all opposite where everybody misses each other. Sort of like all opposite magnets repelling each other or like magnets repelling each other. They never touch.

I think that's going to be the most coherent sketch that comes out of this episode. Then we've got saloon based falling idiot energy generation. Yeah, there it is. Yeah, there it is. Yeah, there it is. Look, I love that. But wow. And then we've got blades on horses, which is another sort of saloon based sketch. Maybe I don't think I got the entire gist of the sketches, which is why I've written down

blades on horses. There's so much to come. It's a big topic. Yeah. I'm almost, that's one of the ones where I'm baffled. You couldn't understand, because I feel like I explained it so well, and it was already painfully clear. But maybe this disagree.

But I think my idea, my thinking of it, is like, I was like, maybe I'm only continuing talking about this because I feel like it frustrates Andy. But I guess the idea is that I was like, maybe I'm only continuing talking about this because I feel like it frustrates Andy. But I guess the idea is that it's not like a full sketch, you know what I mean? It's more like a like enough, like a very small part of a big movie where he's put bliss. Yeah, you're right. It would be such a shame if our big movie had any small parts in it. No, no, no, you know any moments that somehow Build to something greater, but you're right. You're right. I think I don't think movies should be made a small part I think when I make a movie it's going to be completely indivisible

It's going to be a hole. It's going to be like a single-celled organ Yeah, it's going to be a hole. It's going to be like a single-celled organ. Yeah, it's going to be a single shot. One shot. And enormous. Only one thing will happen. A undigestible theme. It's just solid theme the whole way through. Yeah. Yeah.

Then we've got metaphor, source of power. And so you could use a poem to boil a pot of water. See, you can just do a couple of stanzas, get that water boiling, then maybe put the lid on when you have to put the rice in, and then let that keep saying a few more stanzas, and then you do that method where you turn off the fire, so you could just stop saying poem and let it kind of cook in that 10 minutes or whatever. Well you've given it plenty to think about you know.

Absolutely that rice is going to get fluffy with wisdom I don't know. Energy collected from destroying coal power plants that's you know and I think that's another fun one because it becomes very unsustainable very quickly. Then people yeah but then the dirtiest of industries is the industry that just builds cold fire power plants just to knock them down. Oh, just to knock them down. Never used. Yeah, it's the sort of the beef version of like energy, you know, how like beef uses

so much energy or whatever. Yeah, consume so much. Now we've got the gravitational potential energy punk. It's a whole new genre of you know writing and books and films and things like that all based on this This world that started having lots of piles of rocks and maybe this is what the Colfied power energy needs because at the moment they are the bad guys,

right? They're unequivocally the bad guys because it's the worst one. But what if they could invent something worse? Like a thanking for smoking type thing. I didn't catch that, sorry. That's okay. You broke up. Oh, yeah.

No. Am I better now? Yes. You're so good now. You're perfect. Okay, yeah. I just said, like a thank you for smoking style thing where you've got to turn like this awful evil industry

and flip it and make it look nice. Yeah. Yeah, and the way I'm proposing that is that they find a way to generate electricity from burning animals. You know, like if it was beef. A lot. This electricity comes from beef. Aha.

Aha. It would smell. It would smell good. But the screaming would put you a little bit off. Yeah. So. That's a good idea. And then we got deduction cooking.

I mean, look, you know, we've got poirot cooking whole, you know, seven course meals. Then we got the West Lake Crusher. This is when we went into the the mystery part of the episode. I love that person who finds different ways of crushing people and then leaving not a trace except for a crushed body and and his signature card his name with his name and number written on it. His signature signature M.O. that he leaves his body at the scene of the crime. That's right every time I leave my body there, laying next to the dead body. And I always wake up and go,

what happened? I was having a bad dream. Look, it's the killer. It's another signature of the West Lake Killer. When will we catch them? Well, off you go. Then we got somebody who's not on first. It's the new who's on first sketch. New and improved.

And then there's finally inspired by Josh Sean. It's I can't come unless I've already come time travel sketch. The guy who has a fetish for premature ejaculation for his own premature ejaculate. I don't know why it has to be pretty much. It becomes reductive where I think he has to keep going back and back and back and back and back.

Right always to try and could he go back and then forward to when he finally does come forward. Yeah, oh Yeah Yeah, that's really interesting It's a real chicken in the egg Yeah, what came first me or me make me. Thank you. I guess if it is future you though, there's a chance that you could have a time machine and

arrive before and future you is you. Interesting. You've really created a real pickle. A real pickle. You see the guy turned into an actual pickle. That was great. Anyway, let's wrap this up. So we're I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I come in really whatever for I come in only listen to this bit Thank you very much Adam for coming on our program Thank you. I am so sorry. You didn't promote your thing yet. I Didn't you're right. Oh, no people have started tuning out. I got to be quick You can catch me on D&D as for nerds on the SandsPants radio network. Just you can Google either one of those.

You can find me at RetroArchetype on pretty much any social media. We're also doing a special series for the next about a month with Stupid Old Studios, where we're doing a live D&D show. You can find that at sospresents.com. That is so cool. Yeah, definitely worth the cut. You guys are great. And there's all sorts of stuff all across the SandsPents radio network.

And I would personally be happy if we lost all our listeners to you. I think, you know, that's very kind. Deservedly safe. Oh, no, no, don't say that. Oh, you're low. Oh, look, look, I mean, that. Oh, you'll love it. Look, I mean, don't take away from the compliment here. We are happy and amazed with the work that you do. If you let's say this, this isn't like one of those cultural

things where I'm supposed to not accept three times. No, no, you have to accept three times. And then we make you accept the fourth time, unless it's rude, or else it's rude. All right. All right. So then you can find us at Two in Tank on Twitter and Instagram and I'm at Alistair TV.

I'm at Stupid Old Andy. And you can support us on Patreon or you can... People have been reviewing us on iTunes Alistair. They took pity on you after your really transparent begging and it resulted in a real, real title over for the news. They were reviews that made us feel real nice. And you all know who you are. So thank you very much and stop it. But you know, we keep going. But don't stop. Well, if you left a review, you've got time to leave a no. Yeah, keep going.

We need this. Thank you so much. Take care of yourselves. You know, and remember, don't die. And we love you. Thank you Adam. Yeah. Thank you Adam. You're very welcome. Thank you Adam

You're very welcome. Thank you for having me. This was fun Uh, is the recording over this podcast is part of the planet broadcasting network visit planet broadcasting dot com for more podcasts from our great mates It's not optional. You have to do it We used to go easy on it, but now you have to. Yeah. Yeah. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career and a rewarding field with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments.

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