Two In The Think Tank - 241 - "LONGFIDENCE"

Episode Date: July 7, 2020

Poopoo Cuckoo, Self Made Baby, The Long Detective, Evaporware, Remote Control Remote, Man Man, Budget OscarHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereSeveral thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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this podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our right mites. rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink rink Who are you? I'm Andy. Who are you? I'm Andy. Okay. Okay. We're up in. And in your, in your? Yeah, I'm not telling you, revealing that information to you until I see some identification. Exactly. Yeah, you're very wise.

I could be anybody. A lot of the time podcast, especially ones done over the internet, are just a way to steal somebody's identity. And this whole thing that I've been doing, this fake podcast to in the think-tap has just been to try and learn enough about you that I can guess your passwords. And it's been a long-fidence confidence. Yes. And I... Is that the full... That's the long version of long con.

Long con. It's long for the con. That's a really long, long con. It's long-fidence confidence. Has that a sketch? Is there anyone that could be a sketch? I mean... The long version of longcon?

Yeah, could we make a movie called long-fidence confidence? H-A-A long, longcon? Yes. That's the tagline. The cons don't get much longer than this one. I mean, it's a con that starts day one of birth and ends on the day that you're dying. So it's sort of a Truman show kind of con, right? Yeah, but it's the person being born that's doing the con. Oh, very good. Well, you know, what in a way that is, that is a thing, isn't it? Because what do a lot of cons involve? Ingratialing yourself with somebody who is old, vulnerable and has money, and then getting

them to leave it to you in their will. And isn't that what being somebody's child ultimately is? You know, it's true. A way to get under the skin of somebody with a bit of wealth and have them take you into their confidence. And I think having 50% of their DNA and have them take you into their confidence. And I think having 50% of their DNA and coming out of one of their moods. You know how it could happen? Yes.

So it could happen. Yes. Through a toilet baby. Right. Because people who have toilet babies often don't know that they're having a baby. Yes. But maybe, look, you know, maybe it's very impractical

to have a baby. Maybe people who find a baby in the toilet don't always assume that it came out of them. That's right. But it could just be a floater from the last person. Yeah. Or if we could design a special range of toilets with a second little inlet,

little door in the side that when somebody sits down, we reach across from the next store over, shove a little baby in there, crack it open, pop a baby in. All right. All right. Well, look, maybe it's impractical that the baby is old. Maybe it's impractical that the baby itself is doing the con,

but somebody slips in a baby that they're trying to Get someone else to take Well, maybe it's in practical. Yeah, sorry. I'll let you finish you up. You'll sort and and for some reason this person this child Doesn't outlive their family They're their new parents who take them who take them on as a child. And so the con does last the length of the,

both of the, at least of the life of the person that who was the baby. I mean, the nature of the con is not 100% clear to me now. If the baby's not in on the con, and all you're doing is slipping babies into people's toilets and then watching them die young, walk. Well, this is where the con is.

Where does the prophet come in? This is where the con is. Is that the person who's slipping these babies in there has done this more than once. And when these babies are these sort of young people, so to let's say mid-tier adults die, they actually don't die and he's grabbing them. And he's had somebody else raise them

so he can have a fully raised adult and he can reveal to that he has, because he's like the hardest part is that raising the kid. Yes. The great part is having a relationship for life. Well, I know what this movie is now called. This is called the Poo Poo Poo. It's called Long Fidens Conference. Okay. A.K.A. Long, Long Con. A.K.A. Poopoo Cookies. Because you are doing a little cookoo con, aren't you? You're getting somebody else to raise your child. Oh, yeah. With the addition of the pop and the men in toilet.

Poopoo Cookies? Yeah. Would you see that moving? You know what? I didn't think there could be a better title that long-fidence confidence, is because it shows you have the courage of your convictions. If you say you're going to do a long con already you're abbreviating your words and it sounds to me like you're in a hurry and that you have no intention of letting this con

run its course. And that's why when I hear somebody say long-fidence confidence I say this person has the confidence and indeed the long-fidence to really make a long con long That's right Okay, it's a version of King Kong, but it's called King Love Okay, yes, yes, okay Is it because I feel like I don't know why, but I feel like the Kong part of the name is the bit that conveys the monkiness? Right is sir, and you would think and you would think that the that the con would go better with King Kong rather than

King Long Yeah, I'm just wondering if we've removed the monkey element and just replaced it with the concept of longness? What is a king long? yard was a unit of measurement than based on, no, we've talked about this already of the podcast haven't we, based on the length of the King's forearm or something like that. Sure. But then obviously you'd have to then drag the King around,

anytime you wanted to measure something. And it's very undignified. Especially when you put a little button and roll him back into the tape measure. I suppose if everybody called your king long, it would have to be based on not just the concept of length, but I guess probably a thing that is long. And so obviously that will be... Yes. ...nose.

Ah, yes. Very good. So it's that movie, it's basically that movie Rockset or Rocks-Anne by Steve Martin in it. Yeah, King Long. Great. Could also be the Dick Hallister. I don't know, you feels like you've missed an opportunity there. What's a dick? Well, you know how you can you can tell if somebody's got this is so dumb, but as in like the longest detective Okay Does he use his length to detect things? Does that help him?

I think so. I think it would be impossible for him not to. The world's king long. Okay. That's what it is then. It's Sherlock Holmes, but instead of being the smartest man in Britain, he's just the longest, right? And it's not that he's tall.

Yes. And it's not that he's wide. Okay. It's that he's tall. Yes. And it's not that he's wide. Okay. It's that he's long like a caterpillar. Okay. He's got forward length. And it's not just a really big belly. Like he is shoulder bone goes is about it's about a meter and a half long. I would say. Forward, forward motion, not from shoulder to shoulder. Uh-huh. Yeah.

I mean, from back, from the back of the shoulder to the front of the shoulder. Mm-hmm. Share long homes. Um, I, I think, you know, there could be something in this, Alistair. Uh, I think- What benefits would he, would he have over another detective? Let's see. What benefit if he if he wanted to dodge a bullet, he would have to sort of turn

and face it that it would be his best opportunity. Yeah, but what that doesn't make him better than other detectives. It just makes him not worst in one scenario. One specific scenario. Yeah. I suppose he could he could block things, you know, people running away and that sort of thing. Stop that man. Yeah. You would turn side on shuffle side on and then he becomes like a wall. No running. And it would. Yeah.

And he, because it wouldn't just be his shoulder that's long because then he would sort of just look like a letter T. I think there is already a Mr. T. In this game. Yeah, in the sort of detective kind of thing. Mr. T, you think of him as a detective? I don't know, I don't know, I never saw the show, but I thought they solved crime or something. They must have done something.

Like, what else is there to make a show about? Like, what else is there to make a show about? Getting a group together to compete in the cheerleading championships. Yeah, those bring it on. Movies were really good. I'm only seeing one of them and I don't remember it. Well, I mean, I've only seen the first one as well. I don't. Yeah, I don't assume that the second one is great, but I mean,

revisiting the first one is not that great. So it means that the second one in order for it to be good doesn't have to be great because I thought that it was great back then when it was clearly not great upon rewatching. I think I understood what you just said. I just want to point out that the baby scenario, the slipping the baby in, could work as a con if you do it in a some sort of scenario. Like you could do it if you were slipping in a Deli Lama baby, because don't they reincarnate their consciousness

into the new Deli Lama? Or you could hack whatever the Deli Lama system is, or it could just be a sci-fi kind of scenario where you can make people back into babies again so you could make yourself into a baby, okay? For the purpose, so you're a con man, some old, haggard old con man who thinks he's turned his last con,

but then this new technology comes in that allows you to turn yourself into a baby with your consciousness intact. So all you got to do is go back in time, better this Google Gaga shit, you know, a couple of years of that, you know, then a bit of puberty, whatever. I hate your mom, you know, son and so forth and then reconcile and then I'll get sick and you're nursing through that, that gets you into the well and then bam! That's that house you crawl that you crawl into a toilet? You start out crawling into a toilet, okay? We all start crawling into a toilet before we can

walk into a toilet. Correct. Yes. But what do you think of this as a film? A film where people can become babies again and it allows them, and they use that for performing cons. Because it is, it would be a great con. And a long one. And being raised by someone, you know, and you find somebody who seems a bit richer, maybe. Yeah. Or who has prospects?

I mean, it's also a bit of a gamble isn't it? It's nice. Pickens. You don't know. I mean, maybe all that you're conning out of them is a beautiful childhood, you know? Maybe you never got that beautiful childhood for yourself, right?

Sure, I mean, I think still pulling off this con by stealing babies or by having having or impregnating people and making them have babies and then having people raise the children for you so that you can have an acquaintance or somebody who cares about you for life. It's still a pretty, you know, pretty strong idea for somebody who, you know, needs. Alistair, that's a beautiful idea. I'm not in any way

undermining that idea. I'm just offering another franchise in our extended baby corn universe. The Pupu Kuku universe. Pupu Kuku. Pupu kuku that never. Pupu kuku, never. Yeah. Anyway, do we have anything written down today, El? Well, we've got long-fiddance confidence written down. Great. I think, I mean, we're still just talking about variations on the long-fiddance confidence.

I suppose so. And, you know, you being the strict, pure, pure tanical type that you are, you're not going to allow me to consider any of those to be individual ideas, or subsets of the glorious. Sure. Well, where you can, okay, look, I'll write down poo poo, poo, poo, poo. But you can turn yourself into a baby. Yeah, thank you.

That's all I need. I think it would be a good, good thing to emerge. Like, these people have got this kid, right? And they think there's something not quite right with them. And it's a little bit of a, you know, we need to talk about Kevin type film, right? But you always see the, the, the kid always looks like they're up to something, like they're a little bit sus, okay? Yeah.

And they, they talk with a really strong Brooklyn accent, even though you're a, um, a pocketball, swanna, new Jersey. You're in New Jersey, exactly. Oh, and Queens. And, and then, you know, as it unfolds, you discover this sort of, this another layer where people are turning themselves into babies and conning you out of a real beautiful, rich, loving childhood, which it turns out is the only thing that really has value.

You know, that's the purest thing there is. I guess we could, I mean, it could be the next in the series of the Look Who's Talk in films. Yes. You know, they kind of let that, they kind of let those, you know, trail off for a while there.

Look who's tall king. And that is one of the king-long Bratius it's the tall king Oh, yeah, do you think king long is a is a no what was it dick long? Dick long is a is a very long detective. Is that right? Yeah, I'm making long dick. No, no, no, no, dick long. Okay, sure. Because I mean then it's a pun, you know, then it's like a pun title that could mean many things. No, I think long dick is also a pun title, right? Because he's a detective and Dick means detectives. Andy, it's just it's it's so gauche. You think it's a bit grubby? I think it's just, it's, it's so ghost.

You think it's a bit grubby. I think it's a bit grubby. I mean, it's so low brown, long dick. This is a detective thing. It's a police procedural. Okay. You know what are the advantages of the long, the dick long long detective is that he, when they, when they need a wall to pin all those pictures of the crime scene up on

and, and connect things together with bits of string, they can do that on him, on, on, on his side. On his side, yeah, right into his flesh. Yeah. And he loves it, because he's also kinky. Because the horse of it, he just lifts his shirt, and he's got that whole pinboard just on the side, and his skin. Yeah. And that way he doesn't have to go back.

He doesn't have to go back to the precinct. They have it with you, you're right, because that does seem, you know, prohibitive. You know, you want a mobile office these days. You've got to be flexible, and you want your work to go with you anywhere you go. Well, if your work is pinned to your side with thumbtacks, hello. Well, I mean, if he's so long, he could probably, people could probably travel on him. Hmm. Yes.

Like he could probably have a person sitting quite comfortably on each shoulder. Yeah. Yeah. On the side there, legs are dangling down. I could see that. I mean, probably he probably started. I mean, think about how useful somebody like that would have been in a sort of cheerleading like human pyramid kind of scenario. You're right.

You know, and so he has that experience. He knows how to do that kind of stuff, carry people on his on his long shoulder. And so he could probably have the, you know, the police chief on one shoulder who's always complaining about stuff. And then the, you know, the guy who's always riding the police chief's ass. Oh, yeah, okay. He could be on the other shoulder. And so then the police chief keeps whispering and is one ear going, oh, you're killing me

here. What's his name? The governor or whatever? The mayor's right in my ass. And then on the other shoulder you got this guy going, yeah, he's not really, he's riding my shoulder. More like. You see, you've written, you're already riding this dialogue. Yeah, it's flowing. I'm here with broad strokes. You are coming in with a tiny thin little paintbrush. There's only like three bristles on there and you're making those finer details. I'm doing the eye-latch. You're doing eye-latch. You're perfecting this thing. I like the idea of where I think we should go into films, Alistair. You, with your broad picture stuff, and me, with my insanely fine detail,

and will make films that have absolutely nothing in between. It'll either be my newtly observed interaction between a man and an an an an an an an ant or it'll be very broad scenes what is something that's just all broad yeah just people walking at the zoo children falling over just children falling over at a zoo. This actually does sound compelling. I'm into it. Do you think that you could handle yourself? Do you regard yourself as someone who could handle yourself? In a fight?

Oh, yeah, I guess, yeah, sure. I could keep him busy. Yeah. That's not my line. But no, I don't think I could handle myself. Although I'm, I'm learning that it's, it's really good to use your elbows. I think, I think if I was in a fight, I'd just be using my elbows in people's faces. Yep. Like this is a self-defense kind of scenario where somebody is attacking me

Yep, like this is a self-defense kind of scenario where somebody is attacking me or my family A lot of spinning elbows it seems seems to be very difficult to defend So I would just be spinning Spinning elbows because you're rotating. I can't quite your elbow. Can't imagine a spinning elbow. You're spinning Are you spinning on the spot? When you're elbowing out? If you can get the other person to spin and you just stick your elbow out and sort of grind them down like a lathe.

I mean, that's obviously ideal. But then if you spin, then you get a bit of torque, you know? Yeah. I mean, how do you deal with the dizziness? This is it. We're not spitting that much. You're just doing like a half rotation. Oh, okay. So you, all right.

I was picturing a full spin. I don't, I don't think that of that as a spin. I think of that as maybe a turn at most. Oh, it's a turning elbow. Well, it's a shame that the elbows are halfway down the arms and not at the end, you know, because think of an elbow with that kind of reach, that'd really be something. Sure, be like a scorpion, like a bludgeoning scorpion's tail. Yeah.

So you could put the hand where the elbow is. Yes. And then, and then the elbow at the end there. Yeah, that's good. So there wouldn't be a bend in the middle of the arm. Just a bend at the end. I guess there's just a bend at the end. I don't quite know how that would that would benefit. Okay, what if you just remove the elbow?

That would look what if you what if okay? What if you just remove you remove the elbow right? So it's just a straight bit of arm. Yeah, and then you put that elbow at the end Right, and you put it at the end. So it's just like It's just kind of a you know a triangle like if but then it kind of points back at you Mm-hmm, and then what if you put the hand there at the end of that one that's pointing back at you Yeah, so you still got that hard elbow. Yes. Right, we're getting rid of the wrist. Yeah. Basically, but we still have the hand there for eating and that kind of stuff. You still have the hand there. And it's pointing towards you, which already makes it easier for eating. We're basically turning the wrist into an elbow, swapping that out. Yeah, but then suddenly you also can't, you can't get your hand to your mouth anymore.

No, you can't, you're right. Yeah, so maybe you do need it, maybe you do just need it in the middle of your arm, so you can get your hand back to your mouth. Well, you know, you could also, you could also team up and feed each other. That's true. And it would make us more needy of each other and probably remove the need to fight.

Yeah, and we were tightening our bonds, definitely. Yeah, but you know, when you have those close those, those close societies, you know, maybe, maybe tensions do run higher and maybe the, the need for the fight is, is, is, is greater somehow. But also you'll suddenly your elbow is so close to your hand and you're feeding somebody else, you're probably likely to keep elbowing somebody in the face. Accidentally, and now it's going to turn're going to turn into a fight pretty quickly. Yeah, and then they'll grab your elbow, and then while they hold onto your elbow, their elbow will be right within range of your hand. Yeah.

And then you'll lock, and then you'll do it with the other other hands and then suddenly you'll be kind of in a like a TP kind of position like a Your hands up You know creating a sort of an arch like that and then a married couple will walk underneath And the strangeness of that will diffuse the scenario. Yes, I hope so Yeah, I think we got something there, definitely. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. Well, off a very strong offer from me. Well, I mean, look, I agree that there's something to the idea of having the elbow down near the hand and then at the end of the thing. But moving the hand up into the middle, you know, if you did that, I think that's, you know, it's a good swap.

Yeah. Because then also, because think about it, if you think the elbow at the end of the arm and the hand in the middle, then suddenly if you're feeding yourself, I guess you're kind of turning your arm towards, you know, you're reaching into the middle of the table with your, putting your elbow in the middle of the table with your, putting your elbow in the middle of the table while the hand grabs some food in the plate. Yeah. And then as you, as you bring your hand to your mouth, you know, so you're eating it from

the middle of your arm, your elbow is always in the striking position. Yes. You know, so if anybody tries anything while you're eating, which I feel is when you're most vulnerable. Mm-hmm. You can still handle yourself. Yeah, and then also, you could open doors with your elbow still, right? And it's actually way more convenient now because you could probably hook it around the door handles. And that elbow is never going to your mouth.

It's always your hand in the middle of your arm. You're right. It's a perfect pandemic arm. It is. Yes, it's perfect for the apocalypse. The eventual breakdown of everything except for our door handles. We'll still have those. Preferably the lever ones, thanks. I don't know that we'd work so well with the little knob ones. But I mean, I guess, I mean, I guess if we had, I mean, yeah, I guess if we're adapting like that, we probably, I mean, I think just with the fold though, you might be work something out, you know, might be able to, yeah, I mean, we're starting to, sounds like we're starting to use it as a hand again, which I feel goes against the spirit of the exercise. We're not using it as a hand for eating.

Okay? Well, you don't put an L, go to all the effort of putting an L bow at the end of your arm, just to then try and use that L bow as a hand. You know, it feels like that's not what we got in the first place. You got the possibility of two hands. I mean, I guess that's good. But again, if I wanted two hands, I would have just got two hands. But think about this, though. Wiping your butt with your hand in the middle of your arm.

That's tough. Right? Suddenly, you're having to stand up, hold the toilet paper in the middle of your arm there with your hand hand and then put your arm behind you and then just run it down along the crack or like you have to do squats and sort of run. Yeah, down across it. Yeah. Like your shimmy ain't down a point. If it has a little risk and it can sort of move back and forth, I don't know if that's it.

Anyway, that's not too bad. Yeah, it'll be interesting. It'll be interesting when that happens. It'll be interesting when that happens. I don't know. I don't know if there is a sketch in that. I'm sorry, El. I've made...

No, Andy, it's okay. What... You know, I just... Yeah, I'm sorry. I can't say it. Andy, yeah, I'm sorry. I can't see it. Andy, if you just crumbled. No, absolutely not. I'm still 100% here.

You know what I think matters in a fight? Not being able to handle yourself, but being able to handle the other person, because I think I could handle myself. But it's the, it's the assailant that's the issue. Anyway, moving on. But when you say it like that, I always feel like someone's threatening you,

and then suddenly you sort of cup your own peck, you know? Yeah. You're cup your own pectoral muscle and you go, I mean, this is really dumb, but you say, I think I can handle myself in this fight, and then they watch you. I'm sort of. And then you start, I guess you do it for long and then you start asking for donations. You start moaning maybe. You know, you kept this very classy bunch of smoke you get the pectoral muscle. You've got. I just assume Andy that you love nipple play in this in this

version of you. Yeah, I do. I do. That's right. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession resistant career in a rewarding field with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time. Mycomputercareer.edu. Bill, now is the time mycomputercareer.edu.

Hey Andy, every time that I was getting sort of takeaway coffees but I think now that the cases have exploded again in our deer city, I'm not doing that anymore but every time I have gotten to take away coffee, we've been putting a bit of, hand sanitizer on the cup, and every time I'm putting that hand sanitizer over the opening where you drink from, the words that always pop into my head or work the nipple.

So you put the hand sanitizer over the mouth opening? You put the hand sanitizer over the mouth opening? Yeah? Doesn't that affect the taste of the coffee? Well, no, I'm not putting it into the hole. No, I know, but like you're drinking from that opening, doesn't it, isn't there residual sanitizer flavor? No, it evaporates within seconds. Right, and doesn't leave anything behind.

I guess it doesn't leave anything behind. I guess it doesn't leave anything behind. I guess I would have noticed if my hands, my sanitized hands had some residual funk. Yeah, right. That's good to know. Yeah, no, imagine if it was a funk, if we were all walking around smelling like hydrocarbons. Yeah, you're right.

It's actually one of the, so I go. No, I think it's some sort of alcohol that just totally evaporates, kills the germs and leaves. It's the perfect crime in a way. There's no evidence of how it was done. That's what we need. We need more of the products in the world to evaporate like that. In all these waste problems, we've got them,

we're bearing all these things when they could be up in the air. They could just evaporate. All right, so what does it mean? That it would be great if they just evaporated. Obviously, toilet stuff, fine, but let's not go there, okay? What about old cars? Like Yoda, old cars don't die, They just fade away and then they're gone Just leaving that's a good system an empty robe By the side of the road an empty like an empty roll like a bathrobe the car was wearing a bathroom. Yeah like Yoda Who wears a bathrobe?

Or You know old televisions obviously be great if they evaporated. I think, I mean, if we're going to build in, if we're going to have inbuilt obsolescence, right, and stuff is going to break down, all the things that we buy are going to break down anyway. Why not make them so that they evaporate? This would be a real criticism of Apple. This would be something Apple would do, right? They'd bring this in where after, you know,

if you download, they'll introduce a new operating system that automatically downloads onto your stuff. And if you've got an old computer, it makes your computer evaporate. And everyone would be really angry. But they'd say, well, it's an environmental thing. And you should have read the terms and conditions that this one will make your computer evaporate. And though other people say, well, this is just so

you can sell more computers. I say, no, we're doing it for the environment. Well, you know how they would do it. They would probably find a way of just like, you know, doing a bit of EMms equals MC squared. And as it ages eventually just turn into energy. Like into energy. Be amazing. I mean, it would be a significant release of energy. It would probably destroy your entire neighborhood.

But. But, but you, there, there'd just be a thing where it's like it would, you know, it would just be the shell left and then the hole inside, like one day you'd plug it in and it would just feed back into the hole, it would activate its little particle accelerator. And then it would feed back into the electricity network. Into the grid goes down the cable, folds back in on itself,

goes back in and then all that's left is like just like a shell, like a cicada shell. And then that gets blown away in the wind. Yeah, well you pick it up, you pick it up one day and he just goes and it crunches in your hand and you're like, oh, I need a new phone. I think that's really something. Okay, so what is the sketch idea here? Apple's new thing that makes your thing evaporate, your technology evaporate.

Yeah, great. Inbuilt. Evaporation. Baby. Inbuilt of Earth. I mean, I would like this, you know, it is a shame that all the old food that I never, all the old vegetables, all the old bits of celery and cucumbers that I forgot were there and forgot to take out of the plastic.

It's a shame that they just turn to mush and don't turn to gas. Well, it's pretty close. I mean, they turn, a lot of them turn to liquid if you live long enough. And it's just one more step, you know, you could just turn to gas and just wafter way. And the brain. But you know, it feels like you could almost drink that liquid. Did we ever in our discussion of teleportation? discussion of teleportation. Turn, you do cooling where you don't have a fridge, but you do just have a portal to

say the surface of the moon or something, and you just keep all your vegetables or your cans of coke and that sort of thing on the surface of the moon. You just reach through real quick, grab them before, you know, the vacuum has a chance to vaporize your blood, you know, quickly. Yes, you get some tongs or something. Yes, yes, tongs. But if you can't find the tongs, I think, you know, like anything, you just feel like, no, just grab, I'll just, that's fine. If you just real quick, just think, you know, like anything, you just feel like, ah, just grab, I'll just, if that's fine, if you just real quick,

just quick, grab it. It's like this thing with like hot oil, like hot bubbling oil. There's like an effect in which you can actually dip your hand. I don't want to hear that, I don't want to hear that. I don't want to think about that. That's the most awful thing. I'm terrified of that happening. Yeah, but it just, it it started with and don't do this

but like it's you know, I don't know if it was tricks, but like I saw somebody a video of some lady and she would just scoop up a bit of oil and Put it on her things and it wouldn't burn her hand You know and then and then I saw some headline that was like this something effect and why it doesn't burn your hand but You know of people who like who've been burnt by far away. It's so it must be possible. Yeah It's so it can't be it's the it's evaporating the layer of water or something on your hand is it and then creating a very like a barrier Of of of gas that would last a fraction of a second, surely. Yeah, I mean, I'm not going to lie. I think I did accidentally dip my hand

a little bit in some oil recently. And I remember it not burning and I was like, oh my God, what is happening? You should have gone back for seconds. And if you'd been a true scientist, you would have spent the rest of the day with your hand in that oil. I know, but I think a true scientist allows time to see the effects of this non-burned first. What if it's like a kick in the balls and it's kind of that delayed pain? And maybe it's pain that doesn't kick in for 30 minutes or something

like that. Yeah. You know, eight years. Well, you don't know. It's true. You don't know. You don't know. There may be, maybe what aging really is.

Well, maybe not aging. Maybe, maybe what what let's see. Maybe what dementia is, right, is just all the kicks in the balls or the lady balls that you've had over your life. I just all start to catch up with you. You know, there might be or kicks in some other part of the body that we because because the connection between being kicks in some other part of the body that we because because the connection between being kicked in the balls and feeling the kick in the balls is close enough for us to define that connection, recognize it in the moment. But I think what I'm just discovering, I'm just describing are acquired brain injuries of footballers. Like I just tried to say, what if there was a kind of injury, Alistair?

Bear with me on this. What if there was a kind of injury where somewhere on your body you get hit and you don't think it's that bad, but it all builds up and then later in life! Ah! Your mind goes! But I mean, there's a kind of a funny thing in the idea of, no, no, but there is something funny in the idea of explaining age is something else. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like what's something that would make you less elastic, more boring? Yeah.

Let's see. What's something that would make you less elastic, more boring? Yeah. Let's see. I mean, you know, it could just be drying out or something like that, or eating lemons could be effective eating lemons. Yeah, salt. Salt, yeah. Not a bit super funny. Not a bit super funny.

Getting people looking at you. Could it be something funny. Getting people looking at you. Could it be something to do with people looking at you? That the eyes do actually emit some sort of tiny ray that delivers small punches to the skin and that over time those build up. So wait, so say that again. So the eye is actually delivered small punches. Yes, this is I'm going back to the core punch delivery of light that light is particles emitted by the eyeball and they're actually not particles. They're tiny fists and it's the cumulative effect of all that fisting over your life that causes aging.

I don't know. I think hermits would live a lot longer if that was the case. And I suspect, or would not look so old, but all the hermits I've seen look incredibly old. So that doesn't really stand out. How many hermits have you seen? How many hermits? Only depicted. I suppose, but maybe when you look in the mirror, maybe the hermits have been in a lot of time looking in the mirror,

and they, the fists about seek back, and they're punching themselves in the face, handling themselves, if you will. I've seen enough hermits to keep me going. Thanks. Yeah, well I apologize. Sorry. All right, so he posed. Should I look? Look, we're having we're having a slowdown today. Yeah, that's okay

So what I'll do is I'll go to three words from a listener. Oh, thank God You know like we've we've only got four ideas written down, but we could do two sets of three words from a listener I think that I think we'd be putting the listeners out of their misery and they'd probably appreciate this. Well, we have, and I'm not sure if we've done this, but I think we probably haven't. Josh Sean. Josh Sean, yeah, we talked to it recently about Josh Sean and his strong two first name game.

Oh, yeah. So then maybe, so we did time travel fetish. Yes, we did. That's where you have to, before you can come, you have to come. Oh, yeah. Okay. So the only way to do it is to, well, then I have, I have another idea here. It's from Timothy Garrow. Timothy Garrow.

It's called, and what do you want to try and guess what is worth? Oh, yeah, sure. I'll guess the words. Absolutely. Oh, by the way, thank you you Timothy. Sorry. These for everybody who's listening for the first time these are three words from a patreon supporter That you can send in three words and we'll come up with a sketch by storage here. We go legume legume. No, Andy. It's giant. Okay. Okay remote TV Giant remote TV. I mean, the obvious thing here, isn't it? This is the obvious thing, is that, you know, you lose the remote so much, but it makes sense to have a TV remote that is so big that you can't possibly lose it. It looms over the room, you know.

Well, it's like a, what if it's like a, it's an outfit that you wear? Yes. It's a, that looks like a remote control. Okay, so you are the remote control. So that when you, so that if you've lost the remote, this is actually a remote for the remote control. So that if you've lost the remote, this is actually a remote for the remote. So this lets you control the remote control

from a distance. Yes, with your body. And you're wearing it so you've never lose it. So you never lose the remote control that you are wearing. Yeah, really good. What about a remote control that is a little car on wheels, right? You know, a little remote control car and then you can drive it around. So if you lose it, you just get out your remote control control,

remote control and rev the engine or whatever and it comes flying out from under the couch or something like that. So it's under the couch or is it just fly out from under the couch or something like that. Yeah, so it's under the couch, or is it just fly out from under the couch? Yeah, wherever no matter where it is, it flies out from under the couch. It has some sort of... So the couch has like a really trying to find yourself? yourself You probably have insights. I Hope so yeah, you know you're pressing menu and you're I Guess the tough part would be pointing your head at the TV all the time and not being able to bend

I'm thinking about a C the TV when you're poised to get the TV You're not able to see the TV when you're poised to get the TV. But, I mean, are you remote control for the TV or are you remote control for the remote control? No, that's true. So, but you would still have to point the little light at the top of the remote towards wherever the remote is. I mean, I think that's the only flaw. I think the only flaw is in order to use the remote control remote, you would have to

still know what the remote is. I, okay. What about this though? I think we could absolutely do a sketch with a sentient, where one person is a person, and then the other person is a remote control, right? They're dressed up as a remote control. And they always wanna play hide and seek Alistair, or they always wanna to watch something else or

Yeah They're in a relationship with another person who's dressed up as a remote control, but this is the one for the air conditioning It's It's a short film. Absolutely. It's a short film We would not put people through this for a lot full length feature. Unless you think we should. No, look, I'm starting to be more into that. Yeah, right.

It's a full, full length film. It's Adam Sandler's click, but what is he is the remote control? Yeah, not just having, and it's actually just a remote control for TV. It doesn't actually stop your life. No, not at all. It's just a... I'm like, click. Yes, that stopped my life. What about, yes, so it's like click, but what if the remote control was just for the TV? Stupidest set I've ever heard. I've written a screenplay. I think you go to like it. It takes the concept of movie. Click if you see that. But it asks the question, what if the remote control was just for the TV?

And it follows the story down the obvious pathways. What would you do with that power? down the obvious pathways. What would you do with that power? What would you change the channel maybe or the volume? Who knows? Maybe you play with the settings a little bit. The contrast. Does he ever, does he ever, in the movie, click, does he ever fiddle with the contrast or the aspect ratio? Does he just,

of the world, I don't remember. Mostly, I mean, I, okay, then this is another film. It's the movie click, but he, and he has a remote control that can control the world, but it doesn't occur to him to use pause or rewind or any of those sorts of things. He is just using, he is just in the settings menu,

changing some of the color, the color balance and other things like that. That don't necessarily lead to as humorous or as interesting. Yeah, but I guess that's been a way what we're trying to do is we're trying to pick a somebody who's proposing a film for a comedy by making it not a comedy. All right, and that's what I'm here for. That's my band signal in the sky. That's my band signal in the sky Did someone somebody asking for a slightly more ballering version of a thing that exists

Yes No, I think that's a fun idea to remake comedies as a serious movie with less scope and Interestingness I assume that there already is a superhero called Man Man, right? And it's a man who just wears a mask, but of a different person and wears clothes over the top of their clothes. Maybe. Yeah. And by, and when they are a man man, I guess they have the strength of a man, but it's a different man Maybe a stronger man. It could be a stronger man could be a weaker man

man-man Can he be any man or can he only be one man? Can he be any man or can you only be one man? Can you be any man or can you be only one man? I think I've just- Well it is not man man. I think this is just fight club now, isn't it? No, this isn't in no way for a club. Have you seen fight club? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Used to think it was, Al. Yeah, yeah. Used to think it was very cool. Yeah. Very, very cool. But I mean, look, there's a way, you know, this way you could go. Maybe it can be a more masculine man. It's kind of the story about, you know, this is what society thinks is a man, and that's what you become in certain circumstances.

Or maybe it's a circumstance in which he's a really manly man, and then he has to turn into something that isn't seen as this tradition, a picture of a man for the situations in which a man is not able to handle himself. That's very interesting, isn't it? We take a, this is a real flip on a superhero thing, right? You take somebody who is very strong and powerful

and that sort of thing and they're in a world where that is a very useful skill or very celebrated. But then scenarios emerge that require emotional intelligence and a jet let's touch. Well, that's right. And they have to go into a phone like his beloved cat dies. And he has to support her through this. The cat. Yeah.

Then he has to just have some time by himself to cry. And he can't do that as man. He has to do that as man man Yeah, or say he is going to a address-up party Yes, and he he never has the capability to dress up as anything but sort of like a like a broad stroke you know Generalization of a woman. Okay, because that's all that he finds funny as a sort of stereotypical man

Yes, but then he Changes into man man. Yeah, and he allows himself to do something kind of extraordinary in terms of a costume. He goes as a post box. He goes as a post box. Very good. All right, we're going to have some other words from a listener. So we do more of this.

So we're finally kicking into gear, Al. Yeah, and then we got Ruben Mass-Scale or Ruben Mass-Scale. Yes. Hello, Ruben. Thank you very much. Hello, Roob. Ruben. And you're the Roob. You're the Roobster. The Muskel, you know, the Muskel Thank you very much. Hello, Roob. Ruben and you're the Rub, you're the Rubester, the the

Muskel, you know, the Muskel Luster. And it's interesting that you should say that, Alistair, because Andy, what do you think the words are from Ruben? Hey, no, ligament, linament. What was that word that you used to say all the the time and then you've forgotten what it was and you're like I was gonna say that every time oh crump Crump your it

Crumpulent Anyway, it doesn't matter the important thing is that the three words are alabaster Trembling doesn't matter the important thing is that the three words are alabaster trembling birch wood yes he's fucking whether it's in a beautiful way alabaster trembling birch wood wow happy about i'm really happy with that as well um there was a uh i don't know what an alabaster is um rubin where we uh where we did experiment with calling Alistair a bunch of different things. Absolutely terrible bird bath, that kind of thing. Alibaster means white, possibly glowing.

You might have written a poem about your fair maidens, Alibaster Skin, or you might have looked at the Alabaster moon. You know, that kind of thing, it's a fancy way of saying, white, just being white, I guess. Yeah, right. Alabaster, trembling birch wood. I mean, birch wood is often pretty white. You know that they got that white bomb. Yeah, yeah, this right one rides itself, doesn't it? And the tremblingness, you know, you could picture maybe a nurse quake or maybe a, you know, we just some winds. A tree blowing

in the wind, is that the sketch? Yeah, beautiful. I, well, uh, well, it... It's a sketch from Man Man. It interests me. I'm interested in trees that can feel fear. Um, you know, that... See. And this is the thing. Do we think, uh,

do trees now communicate in a way, using pheromones or, um, fungal spores in the soil, through the roots and communicate and let other trees know about what's going on Is that thing is that the current thing? I was looking at some at some tree roots today and they look to be connected two separate trees look to be connected Through their root system and then it makes me think about what James Cameron could possibly be writing for the sequel of Avatar? Because in a way that's kind of what their whole thing is. It's like, oh, all the animals are connected through this root system or something. I like Avatar as a place to pursue. People are baffled by Avatar, aren't they?

There seems to be a consensus online that like, how did this movie get so big and why are they making so many more of them? Does anyone remember anything about Avatar? Did anybody enjoy it that much? Or was it just a huge success because it was so expensive to make that everyone was like, I feel bad about not going to see it, because they spent so much money on it. I really tried to spend a lot of money on it. Yeah. Is there an Oscar for budget? It was enjoyable. I think it was enjoyable. Sorry.

I'm... No, it's okay. I don't remember though. I don't remember. I do agree that it's like it doesn't feel like something that needs another six movies or something but but also the guy seems to know what he's talking about. So let's try and guess what what the next movie will be. Can I just can I just repeat my stupid comment Alistair? Can I get a sketch about an Oscar for the biggest budget. Yeah, right. That's all I wanted to get. Oscar. Biggest.

Or the biggest budget. Excellent. Excellent. Then it's easy, but then, I mean, I think the fun thing is picturing all the people you know, when they're announcing it and seeing all the people, you know, when they're announcing it and seeing all the people like, oh, hopefully it's me.

Indeed, indeed. And then, I guess maybe movies aren't allowed to reveal their budgets at the time. That would be. So then it becomes like a silent auction. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Or, or maybe some judges have to decide on which one feels the biggest looks the most expensive

Yeah, all the money's up on screen. You're right You know, so like it's not actually about the money But it's the one that looks the most expensive like you go. oh, you really got more bang bang for your buck with that one. You see, then parasite wouldn't win for that. No. No, finally, we would break the grip, the strangle hold of the small indie film on the Oscars. Yeah. That they have on the Oscars.

Right. And I think it would be interesting to make the small clips of the films that we're talking about and come up with the titles when they do that little package. And the nominees are... Yeah, I think maybe I was trying to make it work in the real world, but I think maybe the idea of just the one with the biggest budget would be really fun to just do that. You know, when it'd be more funny as a sketch, when it really is just the biggest budget. I think so. Could be good.

Did we want to try and work out what the other avatar movies are going to be about? Let's just have a quick look. Okay. Delicious rock. How about delicious rock? Yeah. Really. As in, like, they they're gonna find out that,

that what's that on Obtanium is gonna taste really good. Yes. And then they can never get it back to Earth. Well, I think, you know, or maybe, maybe it's not on Obtanium, maybe he's so bereft of ideas, right? Because on Obtanium, I think the, was the gist in the original, I haven't seen it.

But was it that there's so much, you can get a lot of energy out of it or something like that? You can use it to power something, or I don't know, probably something like that. Yeah, I don't remember what you could actually do with the material, but it was worth a lot. But he just makes it exactly the same film again. Right?

And this time, it's just now it's really delicious. And it's called delicious rockium, right? Can't get enough of them, right? And now people just want to get it to eat it. And then in the next one, it's... You somebody cooks it up. Or it's a different thing now that it smells really goodium. And then in the next one, it's something that's really comfortable,

great for making pillows or mattresses. It's just so soft, but supportive. So you think they're just going back to the same planet over again? Exactly the same planet. Getting a different, does a horrible thing. A new tribe of people. Is it like I guess different parts of the world have different kinds of colored people? Blue, green, yellow, purple, move?

I think maybe for me, to my thinking is that they're going to meet that spirit that controls all, you know, that's like, you know, kind of unites all things and then it's going to get personified in some way. Oh, yeah. Did they not do that in the first one? That's a great idea. No, no, it's just a tree. Yeah.

Maybe it'll get dislocated. That spirit will be somehow stripped from the planet. It will get dislocated like a ghost. Right? Get blastered out somehow. And then it'll go and it'll get stuck on an asteroid. Right? And then the asteroid will somehow become teeming with this potential.

And then it'll maybe be able to do something and I'll get it back just in time Crash it back into the planet and that was we came up with new ideas for what the avatar could be about Andy I'll take a step. I can't wait to hear them All right, we got long-fidence, confidence, AKA long, long, con, AKA poo, poo, poo, poo. Strong stuff. And that's when either somebody, and that's when somebody slips a baby

into the toilets as people go in there so that they think that they've given birth to a toilet baby and then raise the children for them so that when they're adults, that this person can affect these people's deaths and then have them in his life and reveal to them that he's their real father and he never had to like raise these people. I mean, it would be a conflict. He has like relationships. It would be a complicated start to the relationship and I feel like he might have actually made

a lot of work for himself in the long run. Yeah, look, he doesn't have to, he probably doesn't have to pretend like they died. Sure. But even so, revealing yourself and saying, well, those aren't your real parents, I actually put you in a toilet when you're a baby. Now I'd like to, I now I want to enjoy the benefits of a meaningful relationship with you. Yeah, but people can't help but want to meet their, their blood parents. That's true. They just can't help it. Yep.

You know, sure they'll feel disgusted first, but then intrigue at how interesting their life has become. And then they'll be like, well, I've always had an urge to put babies in toilets. Maybe. And they'll discover why. Maybe that's why. Although that could just be the trauma of having been of toilet baby. Right.

Coming back. Then we have, we've got poo-poo-koo-koo, but you can turn yourself into a baby. Yes. Right. I think. Then we've got dick long. It's the longest detective. Right.

And then we've got Apple's built it's the longest detective. Right. And then we've got Apple's built-in evaporation. Then we've got the remote control remote. It's a bit, but that's a big suit that you wear. Or it's, the remote is a person. And it's personified and it's you and them thing with it. And it's kind of like click, but a remote for a TV. I am, I think it's great that we're just getting on

this remote control comedy train. When remote controls are so relevant. I mean, think about this, a remote control for your phone. I really do like that. You know, and it's so that when your phone's over there, your dress up is a remote control, and you can use your phone. I was hoping it would be you dressed up and,

look at here. And then we've got Man Man. Man Man, which is a man who can turn into another man. But possibly one who's More emotionally equipped. More emotionally equipped and then we've got the Oscar for the biggest budget. There you go. We did it. Then we all have all those great ideas for Avatar. We did it. And then we all have all those great ideas forever to.

We're ever to our, which we didn't really settle on one because I felt like we were just drained. Drained, Alistair drained, like a swamp. And. Thank you very much to listeners. Thank you. And. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh,

duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh at stupid old Andy, you can find me at Alistair TV,

you can follow us on Instagram at 2ntank, you can support us on Patreon, to patreon.com slash 2ntank, and you can review us, and it feels so good when you do, and we love it, and we love you. Thank you. Bye. Bye. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. It's not optional. You have to do it. We used to go easy on it, but now you have to. Yeah. Yeah.

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