Two In The Think Tank - 248 - "LACE SPECTACLES"

Episode Date: August 25, 2020

SOME AUDIO ISSUES - George did wonders to fix this one but Al's mic is still dropping out occasionally near the start. We hope you cope ok.Get Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaDog Squad, Freaky Friday Genitals, Hand Off, Locked In Syndrome, Butt Pat Bond, Stealing Your Way Up, Venusian Immigration, Lace CurtainHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereSuspicious quantities of thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career in a rewarding field, with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students including the GI Bill. Now is the time my computer career.edu

this podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. I just want the listeners know that this episode to you by magma 2018 comedy was that was very good, Andy. The only problem was you said the wrong year that we did at the comedy festival. You said it was from 2018. And yet, at that point, it was merely a twinkle in the mind's eye,

or valestine from the book. I think if you'll find that, uh, dreamt the magma idea and then six while I was living in New Zealand. And then carried it around. That's some gestation right there. You, I don't know, I mean, I'm sure you have told me that it came to you in a dream,

but let's drill down to this more in the episode proper, which is coming up just after this little bit of introductory music, music, music, music, music, music, music, intro, introductory, music, music, music, music. Hello and welcome to To a Nathin Tanks podcast, where we just laugh, subject, obnoxiously, because you think that I'm doing his voice. Well, does that make my laugh obnoxious? No, not obnoxious Andy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it as much as an insult as it sounds, I just... I mean, charmingly obnoxious.

Actually, that's the thing you can be. I feel like there are some people who do manage to pull off that kind of obnoxiousness, which is the most attractive thing that can possibly be, that very fuckable obnoxiousness, you know? Oh, yes. I mean, I think that's kind of what most funniness is. It's just like, how dare you, you know, be so rude as to say things that are not in any way helpful. Life is hard enough without you talking about things in this way. At a totally unproductive manner, I find that charming,

the way in which you have conversationally added to the burden of existence somehow. Makes me feel light. Paradoxically, that's what it is though, isn't it? It's all it's all a little paradox. You're saying horrible things that aren't true. And it's making everything better. I watched I watched the first episode of that Indian matchmaker show on Netflix. Hmm, Karly's been watching that. She's enjoying it at the great deal. And in the first episode, I think the first lady that they're trying to match make, whether you that you meet, she doesn't get the idea of anybody having a sense of humor.

Oh, I love it. She doesn't know, she doesn't know what. And at first I was like, that doesn't make sense, but really it just stands in the way of life. Comedy. Yeah, I mean, if life is facilitated by a clear and accurate understanding of the world around you comedy does not help in any way No, that's right unless The clear understanding is of references of other movies

That you want to understand a little bit of that you get through watching the Simpsons. That's right Yes, and you are able to cobble together a working understanding of popular culture and some historical things as well. Mm hmm. That's right. Now, what was the thing that we were talking? What was the thing in the intro that you were saying that we were going to get back to? Ah, the thing in the other. Oh, this, this dream of mine. Oh, yeah. Tell me again of the dream of magma. of mine. Oh yeah, tell me again of the dream of magma. Handy, it was so real. I was out in the middle of the ocean, on an island, made entirely out of magma. Engineers around me would extract it. Like, which were the only things that could handle the heat and it would squirt everywhere but it would all function. Everybody just was happy to live.

Nobody seemed too hot. Yeah, right. Oh, that's fantastic, Elstey. It just came fully formed and then I've just kind of carried that idea around for it since until last year or whatever. Until you made it a reality. You brought something from the dream world, from the parallel dimension of the dream world,

into our reality. I said, Andy, I'm finally gonna do a weird show by myself. And you said, That's right. Can I be in it? That's the... Oh, weird show by myself. And you said, that's right. Can I be in it? Oh, weird show by yourself. That's the sort of thing I've always wanted to be a part of. And Andy, you being a part of this is the only chance of it having any chance of being good. So thank you. Thank you for this intrusion.

So nice. It's so nice that the origin of the Magma Show is the same origin of a lot of, I would say, horrible psychopathic murders. You know, things that start out as a dream, a fantasy, then become a terrifying reality inflicted on people trapped in a room. And so we did exactly the same thing. Yeah, if instead of saying that it came to me in a dream, I was to say, a dog told me about it. And that dog was God. Imagine though, if dogs, if that person, so this is son of Sam who says they were told to do the murders by a dog, right?

Hmm. Firstly, imagine if it was the case that this was the only person in the history of existence who was able to communicate with animals. And the thing that the animal chose to communicate to that person was a list of murders to commit. Does that, perhaps that's not that unlikely? Perhaps that's what would happen if dogs who have been made our slaves kept trapped inside forced to behave in strange ways if they were able to communicate with us.

Maybe that's all they tried to convince us to do with their powerful oratory. You know what I think would do it? If I was a dog that would make me filled with murderous rage, was that thing that people expect where their dog needs to walk near their heel? Yeah. And then when they don't, they yank them back. That's absolutely if you did that to a person, the murder that they did afterwards would be considered justified. Yeah.

And can I say, this son of Sam person, if this is the guy who spoke to the dog, can I say, when the dog told him to do something? And he did it. He was so obedient and loyal. The man could have been a dog. Yes, you're right. Now, what does that tell us? There's a bit of role reversal.

Is there a sketch in the attempt to identify and prosecute the dog? And is there a broader sketch in a universe in which we find that a lot of crimes of all different sorts are being secretly directed by dogs? And this is like a kind of like an ex-files, right? But instead of aliens and supernatural phenomena, molder or scully, I don't know which one is which because I have not really watched the show, is convinced that all these strange things

that are occurring are being perpetrated by very persuasive dogs who can talk, but who don't do it when anybody else is around. Or possibly it's a police dog squad, but they don't use dogs to investigate crimes. They investigate crimes committed by dogs. And so this is just a genuine... Yeah. They get it. They killed somebody. They get in the dog squad. Yes. And they tell you who did it. It was a dog. It was probably a dog. This is what this is. It's like son of Sam happened, right? And sorry, it was probably a dog. This is what this is is like son of Sam happened right and

sorry it's probably a very awful thing. I mean it is a very awful thing whatever was associated with this particular killer and yet here we are making light of it in some way and hopefully bringing healing to the people who were affected through comedy. I think it'll bring some some lower to the people who were touched by this. Now, what if that event, the dog talking to the man, was sort of like Roswell, like the alien crash landing. It did occur, but then it was hushed up and we were made to think that the person was crazy. But the truth was that was our first confirmed instance of a crime being planned by a dog. And after that point, a secret department inside the NYPD for some reason, or the FBI, became specifically, was formed, sort of like the men in black, but they only investigate dog crimes, but they do it all secretly.

Well, they would wear black because they wouldn't wear black, though, because dog hair comes up real. Men in brown, they mean it's sort of floral brown. The men in fur jackets. The fuzz. Look, the dog. What is it called? The dog. The dog. The dog squad. Yeah. Yeah. Look, I don't know, Al. I don't know. I like it. Yeah, okay, great. It's quite a world, isn't it? It's quite a complex little set of mythologies intertwined. Well, not really intertwined. There's just one strand.

Might be a bit tangled with itself. There was something else, oh, well, I wanted to talk about my errands today, Al, do you mind? Wait, I just had an idea. Is it okay? All right. I apologize. I apologize. I think your idea is going to be more interested in my errands.

Oh, this is just a weird, I mean, it's rare that I just have a full idea. But what about a couple where something happens, it doesn't have to be a lightning strike, it could be a small lightning strike. Say, like, it was like a little static electricity and a couple, we're both walking around in socks on their, on the carpet. Yes. And some electricity goes from one hand to the other, the one person's hand, the wife, or the husband and

Neither of them have to be male nor female. I'm just expressing that because of of the modern day and And then when they wake up in the morning the husband Has one of his hands is his wife's hand and the wife one of her hands is the husband's hand. Yeah. Janitals. This is a really good story.

Yes, because so much of the time in these body swaps, it's the whole body that's swapped, right? But this, it's just the... Now this, the penis or the lady version of the penis. Hollywood would absolutely buy a genital swap movie. You never even have to show them, but it's a rom, it's like a romcom, Friday kind of thing. Right, but it's just a two people. Yeah.

It could be two people who, who not are married, but are getting, are, you know, at first hate each other and then later on are going to maybe date. Yeah. They're genital swap. Right. know, at first hate each other and then later on are going to maybe date. Yeah. Oh wow. Well, I think it's so good. I think, you know, it's definitely going to get into some issues that we perhaps are not qualified to, to fully do justice to.

But I understand that it does touch on some trans stuff, but I think that this actually is in a trans issue because this is so stupid. And I'm now a woman and you're now a man, right? This doesn't change what their gender is. I'm now a woman and you're now a man, right? It doesn't change what their gender is. Yes. This is, I've been a woman my whole life and have believed that I'm a woman.

And now I still do. I have a grown man's penis. And I don't know who's penis. Oh, I think they know who's it is. Well, I mean, the discovery. That's true. That's true. That's true. It's part of the story. They don't instantly know. I thought they were waking up next to each other, looking at each other's things, but if they just meet in a hall or whatever,

and then separately come to this realization, I like the moment where after they've met up again, they have to try and work out if they've also swapped buttholes. They don't, they don't know for sure if they have, because it's very different, I think it would be very hard to know, or maybe you'd feel different, but maybe you wouldn't. Yeah, and I mean, it's really like a just a modern reworking of Cinderella.

You know, because then you'd have to find who has, I mean, I guess you assume someone has your genitals. If you have theirs, you, I mean, you, you hope you, I think probably the law of conservation of genitals would imply that it is the case. I think that's why I would be great for the woman in this to be a physicist and she's the one who strongly believes that her genitals are still out there. Due to the law of conservation of genitals, she understands a bit of stuff about how you can't completely destroy energy, your matter, or whatever like that.

What about a same castle Einstein? That's what the guy would say. Now, here's an interesting element. I mean, whether or not they could still feel the, do they feel the genitals that they have now, or do they still feel what their genitals are up to wherever they are? Because that might help you in trying to identify where your genitals have gone, but it's less interesting probably. Yeah, it's less interesting in terms of like, in terms of like getting to experience the

other. But it is more interesting in the part where they get to track each other's genitals down. And they go, they go, it feels like my genitals are in a pool. I mean, maybe they could still have flashes to do that. Do you think that if you did find yourself with someone else's genitals, you would go to the pool? Do you think that's something that would be on your list of things today? Well, I mean, let's say three days of past.

You've already done everything else. You have broken them in. Would you be scared of doing something to the genitals in case they're not yours? Or would you instantly take ownership of them and treat them like? Drive it like you sold. Treat them as poorly as you would treat the genitals. Like there were genitals you were born with. Treat them as much content as if you were going to have to deal with them forever.

You were stuck with them for life. And these are all such terrific moral questions. And I think you've written the perfect film. And. And thank you. And do you think that there's something in the husband and wife who just have each other's hand? I know it's not. It's not. And now it's hard for me to feel that there's anything in it at all. It's hard for me. I know. But in a way, it's because it's more subtle. You know, it's less. I mean, the other one is a film. I mean you can see you love blooming

You know this one you like this doesn't feel like anything at all Because you can see the climax of the other film is that they end up having sex with each other Using each other's genitals and that's probably what swaps them back Maybe maybe maybe but maybe but then she, I don't know, ashamed for not lasting very long. And, you know, and that's what this movie is really about. Maybe they had a one night stand. I mean, look, I mean, now this seems, you know, they want to search each other,

search for each other for so much. But if they had a one night stand and got struck by lightning or net, and it was a not a satisfying experience and then at the end they have sex one more time but with the roles reversed and then suddenly Yeah, it's a bit more complicated um There's a horror version of this movie in which there is a uh, it's a very sexy horror movie in which there it's sort of like the ring but where there is a penis that goes from person to person

and if you want to get rid of it you have to pass it on to somebody else while having sex with them. Hmm. That's interesting. Yeah. Yeah. And that's a horror film, you'd say, not like a series of pornos. Well, I did say it was a sexy horror film. I don't know. Not a spooky porno. Why don't they call? Yeah. Pornos, ROM comes.

Anyway. What's the ROM part? The ROM. The ROM. The ROM ends. Yeah. The CUM. ROM comes.

Comedy. I know. It sounds like you're saying ROM. Yeah, okay. So anyway, my errands for today, Alistair. Yeah. They're nothing. They're very tedious.

But we lost the key to the car. Right? You only have one key to our car. And I tell you that the car had started developing a tick where it automatically locks the door as soon as you step out regardless of whether or not you've taken the key out or anything? Do I tell you about this?

I think you may have mentioned something like that. Right, so the car just started locking itself. As soon as you close the driver's door, it would lock itself. And we locked the kids in the car one day because of this. I got out the car and the car just locked straight away, the kids are locked in there, had to get the REC to get the kids out and we were trying the kids were getting a bit upset after half an hour so we were doing a puppet show for them outside the window with their toys and stuff.

But then you couldn't convince them, you couldn't convince them. But they couldn't convince them. You couldn't convince them. Oh, to open the door. Yeah. Well, they couldn't get out of this. They were all strapped in to their little child seats. And the thumbs are two weeks. Yeah, exactly.

I was really trying to convince them to do it. And then I think that was starting to stress them a little, how much I was pushing for it. And in the end we did just get somebody to come and break into the car, which they felt was entertaining. Was it an adult or a child? To break it. It was an adult human from the era. I just thought maybe to get kids out of a car you're supposed to use a kid, get it, remember? You, I mean that, you know, in some ways that would be good. Tiny little, tiny little child who you could sort of insert in there when they're, you know, maybe you could fit them in, okay, here's a scenario, a real estate.

There's a, there's some sort of treasure or down a hole, right? Or whatever. Or, okay, it's just a car that's locked, right? And the wind... And within a hole with treasure? No, no, no, no, no, okay, it's just a car that's locked. The window is open a crack, right? But a person can't get in there.

But what you can put in there is a newborn baby. You put the newborn baby in the car It's a pretty big crack, okay? Yeah, yeah, I know, but it's but anyway, that's the scenario So you put the newborn baby in and then you feed them up and over Years and years you raise them inside the car Until they're sufficiently developed that they're able to unlock the door for you. So you can reach baby in there but you can't get your own down to the lock. You can't get your own down to the lock. You can get you can pass food into them and you can poke a boob through there to feed them or whatever but you know it's like getting a ship into a bottle. You

know you can put a baby ship in or a ship, a ship embryo and then you feed up the ship until it grows to become a full ship size. So it is with unlocking a car. Put the new born-in, raise it, or even, even. You could get one of those new kind of external wounds we were talking about on the last episode of the podcast. Yes. Germanate the baby, it's emanate, grow it in a little sack that you've poked through the window. This way, the crack can be very, very small. Very small that way. Then it removes that silliness of exactly it. I think that other one is just what I keep picturing is that if you can't reach down to get the, you know, to reach the, sort of the unlocking handle kind of thing, it means that when you're putting the baby in there,

you're really just dropping it in there. You're dropping it onto the seat, yes. And you're not going to be able to clean up any of its waist or anything like that. No, no, no. I guess these are things you haven't thought through perhaps, you know, and then maybe someone does come along. You were really upset about not being able to get into your car, but you immediately, in a moment of passion or fear, or you just drop your baby. You can just put in this, I'll raise the baby in there for years. I just want this over and done with. So I'll just raise the baby in there for years.

Correct. Well, sometimes you just want to feel like you are taking action. You're making progress. And you might have tried a bunch of different things and you do get into a bit of a frenzy I find myself sometimes. And a lot of people in that situation would do something like breaking a window of the car. Well, the way that you could do this

and make it really work, I think, is that it's in like a father's prized, like, you know, beast of a car that he keeps in his garage and he works, spends all this time, but they go for a drive, him, his wife, and... Yeah. him his wife and yeah. Guys, oh my god, they can't get it out. And then he and then she's like break the window. He's like, no way. We'll just raise the child in the car. Yeah.

And then yeah, and it's just his idea instead of saving. Yeah. Instead of getting the kid on, it's just his idea instead of saving. Yeah, instead of getting the kid on, he was just like, he shows like, look, and he folds a piece of paper and he puts like, a little bit of, I don't know, powder in there. Sure. And he passes a straw through there

and he pours milk through it and the baby's just, I don't know how to use it. They get quite adept at it and the baby's just, I don't know if he used, they get quite adept at like changing the baby's nappy, using long sort of chopsticks and... Coat hangers. Yeah. Unwound coat hangers. The things he would normally use

to sort of hook the door handle, but... He won't allow any of the little scratch the end. It'll scratch, it'll scratch the chrome. It's just had that done. Yeah, you actually made this work, Alistair. Because then it's it's great seeing him graduate. Yeah. You know, graduate school. You graduate uni. What has it yet for the door yet? And I like the idea that it's like something happens that he they actually try the door and realize that the back door had been on the whole

stand. Yeah, right. Oh yeah, Or that he had this keys on him. In the other pocket. Yeah, in his wallet, he goes like, Oh, I did have a spare. Anyway, we... So I think that's definitely a sketch idea, Alistair. You made that work, and I appreciate it. Well, Andy, it wouldn't have been possible

without your ludicrous idea of dropping a full baby in there. Well, still the thing, still the thing though, if once we can grow babies outside of the womb, the idea that you will be able to grow babies inside things that you otherwise wouldn't have been able to grow them in. Exactly, like a car. Like a car or a bottle or whatever it is. It's that thing. Okay, it's that thing.

It's like that thing when we first had phones, there were house phones. Like right now we have house babies, right? We raise our babies in our houses. But the next step is to have the car phone slash car baby. That analogy is perfect. It's pretty for when you're on the go. And then eventually we're going to progress to the point where we just have a baby on us at all times. And we're always going to be looking at our baby.

And old people will be like when I was young, people used to talk to each other instead of just staring at their babies. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career in a rewarding field with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including

the GI Bill. Now is the time. Mycomputercareer.edu. So then we lost our one key to the car. So the car was locked and we couldn't get in obviously anyway, but we also didn't have the key. And yeah, just spent a long time searching the entire house. And we knew it was summer at the house because we haven't left the house.

Like there was no way for it to be anywhere else. And we thought that one of the kids had probably hidden it somewhere, but they're always doing that kind of stuff. And particularly the youngest one, we asked him. We said, have you seen the key? And he said, yeah, and then we said, where is it? And then he would just run up to random things in the house and say, yeah, and so we just kept searching things everywhere

and not finding it. And then we decided that we had to get a locksmith, because otherwise there's no point having a car if you can't get into it. And it was gonna cost us $680 to get someone out to come and make a key. And then the day before the locksmith was supposed to come, Alistair, I found the key in the popcorn maker on the bottom shelf in the kitchen.

Where I'd put it because that's where it's kept. That's where we keep it. That's where we keep it. And had Remi at any point run over to the popcorn maker and said, there, no, he hadn't, but he has hidden things in the popcorn maker in the past and we should have thought of that. And was it, was it as, And was it because you were doing a big search? You were like, this is the day before we better do a proper search.

We'd done our proper search. We'd done everything and we'd looked on that shelf and looked through everything in that, like all the pots and pans that are there, but I just hadn't looked in the top of the popcorn maker. And I was lying on the floor looking under the bench. And then I was like, I'm going to turn that popcorn maker around. And then I found it. And it was the most glorious moment of my entire life. Did you spank all your kids after that? And then I spanked my children until the sun went down. Ah, the only thing greater, the only greater feeling.

How can I follow up this? How can I boost this rush? How can I boost this rush? How can I get this buzz? Then I can't. My wife to line them up. Yep. Oh, on various knees. And I'll admit it, I spanked them. I spanked them silly. Um, anyway.

I have not spanked any of my children yet. No, I've not spanked any of my children yet. No, I've not spanked any of my children or your children either and I think it's unlikely that I ever will. It's, I mean at this point it would be insane. I think if I think if you want to spank your kids you probably have to start early. want to spank your kids, you probably have to start early. I can't imagine they'd be so upset and horrified. You want to break them and make them sort of sad anyway. God, so that you barely notice when you make them more sad later. I use the pad on the bum, you know, as a further baby,

as a real cat and thing. So for that to be turned around, as an act of discipline. Yeah, I mean, all those pets on the bum that I did to the boys when they were babies, probably cumulatively, add up to one enormous spank. But fortunately, But fortunately, pets, much like mobile phone radiation, are below the threshold energy required to do cellular damage. And so, only cumulative effect that they may have is only of a thermal nature. And that is yet to be proven to cause any measurable side effects. But you're suggesting that there is maybe somebody who has access to stepping outside of the temporal dimension, time dimension, and could somehow pick out each spank and put it on top of the temporal dimension, time dimension, and could somehow pick out each spank and sort

of put it on top of the other, you know, the other butt, like butt, butt, yeah, each butt pat. And somehow like place each event over the other, you know, by taking, like, oh, this one from May 1st, put that one. Like a super cut. And add it to this one. A super cut, but not so that they go, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, but so that they all happen at the same time. Yeah.

You know? Yeah, that's really interesting. You know, like your body is all, you know, puts them all together like that. And then just to see what would happen, you know, to the baby or, you know baby or toddler, you know, once it got hit with the force of all the... Well, another way that this could occur is if there was a node where all parallel dimensions

converge at a moment in time. And the baby receives the bottom paths of, you know, an infinite number of dads in parallel universes simultaneously. Yeah, the infinite dads butt pat, comforting butt pat, the destructive power of the infinite dad butt pat. Is there any martial arts that sort of draw on that? They use the butt pad? You sort of see it in football, you know, but in a way that you congratulate each other. Which is, you know, but martial arts, let's see. Well, it's kind of a sideways karate chop

and it's so you know and in a way it's like the putt, you know, it's like you're you're using the side instead of you know using the wide outside Rather than the thin side so you're kind of using it like a putter. It's a karate chop that you use like a putter to just more accurately. And I guess, you know, much like you use a karate chop to send somebody to sleep by karate chopping them in the neck, I guess. Absolutely. Yeah. This is also used to send somebody to sleep.

And it makes me wonder if that's something that James Bond could use instead when he, you know, descends on a, a, a, an unwiddle, a gold, gold thing is... Scoops him up, picks him up, and gets the guard to sort of straddle him for a moment while he supports him from underneath, you know, with one arm, under the knees. Yeah. Under the thighs, something, and then with the other hand Well, the arms are flailing and he's trying to turn the gun around Bond comes in with the with the sort of the content and soothed him off to slum low and

Then there's you know, maybe there's a little put down a little soft glowing sort of orange light um and soft glowing sort of orange light and a white noise maker. Yeah, and then gets very angry if any of the other guards come in to disturb this peaceful thing. I think that might be a sketch. Yeah, I mean, I think the beautiful thing where he's like laying him down after putting him asleep and then moving on To the next one Yeah, yeah, or and then he starts stirring again. He's got to go back and just settle in one more time

It's really good so many on the go like so many spinning plates. Mm-hmm so I mean it seems like we've sort of elevated nannying or like, you know, parenting as a martial art of some kind. Oh yeah, absolutely. I mean, too much of anything is not good for your babe. You know, and so if you sort of just focus the intensity of the buttpan. But I don't think we're even necessarily doing that here with the James Bond.

Well, but it's just, you know, it's just more, it's just more than you would normally have in that scenario. It's an adult dose. It's enough. It's enough. Yeah. Butt pat to sue the horse. Strong enough for a man made for a woman. I was just that was the old bimenin ads all the time. I don't know what that is. Deodorant. It's just a deodorant ad that used to be on all the time when I was a kid in Canada. Ah, Canada. Biminin. Yeah. What a jingle.

Biminin. I don't know. I mean it's catchy. Biminin. It's as catchy as the three notes can be, I think. Strong enough for a man. Made for a woman. I... Man it. It's as catchy as the three notes can be, I think. Strong enough for a man, made for a woman. Yeah, like a man's...

Deodorant. I wonder if there are any other man's strength things that women would like to have access to that we've been keeping exclusively for ourselves. So it's been developed to deal with the horror that is being a man that went applied to a woman. Let's see. Sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes. Yeah Is there a product for that? I think it's toilet. I think it's called hemorrhoids. I think it's good having Bale Pre-bale cancer

Probably no, but people don't do that because they have bowel cancer people just do that because It's probably just because it's a break. Yeah Yeah, fair Okay, I'll go say movie what's that that book with that Joel Jonathan Silverstein Seagull Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Yeah. Yeah. Music by Neil Diamond. Now, why was it ever anything? It feels like the most boring thing.

Was it boring? Well, I've read the book and I have no idea. I haven't seen the film. But having read the book, I have absolutely no idea what the film could possibly be. Because the film, I assume, is a film. It's a film that presumably has people in it or something. The book. It's probably just animation, right?

Maybe. Maybe. The book is about a seagull, called Jonathan Livingston, who focuses very hard on being able to fly as fast as he can and in so doing achieves a higher plane of existence. Like a sense to some sort of spiritual se-go-level where he flies with his ancestors. And that's what it is.

That's all, and I don't know how, and it's all internal, it's all about him and his own personal thing. I don't know how it could be a film, and I certainly don't know how Neil Diamond could do the music. Well, I mean, it's easy. It's easy to do the music for something. You don't have to do anything. It just goes, I'm in it. You're right. Music is easy.

Yes. Yes. Let's make it our life goal to learn something about the Jonathan Livingston Seagull movie. I'll read the Wikipedia synopsis. Who, we need to find out who funded it. That's the only thing that I want to learn about it. I don't want to I mean it just it still seems like what did he learn from his ancestors? What is there to learn? I don't know something about something about the nature of You know, he it was some kind of zan peace that he achieved by doing this by focusing so much on it

Was he an anxious see girl? Look, I mean, I'm clicking on it now. Do we need to do we need to tell people what it is? It's a spiritual No, no Andy. We this is gotta be this is gonna be a multi-epicotic thing Let's make a podcast that is tried to find out what Jonathan Livingston's Seagull is in popular culture. Because is there a movie? Adaptations.

It was produced a film of the same title. All right. The film was produced by filming actual sea gals, and then super-imphuman dialogue over it. Okay. The films... Voice actors include James Franciscus in the title role and Philip Arn as his mentor. While Jean-On the Valleau was a commercial success, the film version was poorly received by critics.

And barely broke home even at the box office, despite the fact that it consisted of filming seagulls and putting human dialogue over the top. We had to, all we had to do was get a cameraman for one afternoon and send him down to the beach. With a bag of chips She would throw and then fill and then throw and then fill But the soundtrack album written and recorded by Neil Diamond was a critical and commercial success a Grammy and a golden globe So there you go. Wow. Wow. Imagine that your movie is such a flop, but somehow just the soundtrack is a winner. Yeah. What a strange and twisted path we all travel.

Wouldn't you say? Yeah. Yeah. If only we could move fast enough to access our ancestors that could straighten us out and put us on the right path. I don't know if there's any sketching. No, I don't think, well, I don't know. I mean, there must be something, there must be something in this area. Ha ha. In, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in get each other's hands. For it to be a sketch, I've written it down as a half sketch.

Bless you. But if we can just find, you know, like, the husband discovers that he's got a moisturized his hand all the time. The wife finds that her hand is stronger, better for opening jars. lines that her hand is stronger better. Get the opening jars. Absolutely.

She gets this urge to work it out even more. Yeah, that all men want that. I know all that. I had one of those. I had one of those, but somebody broken to my car and stole it. That's interesting. Look, in a stunner afterwards, I imagine had a stronger arm.

People breaking into other cars, stealing things to exercise other parts of the body. Maybe they were... Maybe they were trying to break into a house. All the Olympics. All the Olympics, hello. Anyway, I like that idea of stealing your way up. You know, I started with nothing. And then I stole my way to the top first.

I stole a thing to exercise my hand, allowing me to open heavier doors. And then I was able to steal a big, a big, a new pair of shoes, allowing me to creep more quietly. And then I stole the gun, allowing me to murder and threaten people. I stole the flag carrier, allowing me to steal big flags. And I eventually set up my own embassy. Well, by planting my flag on an island, I was

able to colonize and steal that island, the greatest act of theft, stealing land. Land from Andy. It's written down the inhabitants stealing way up Andy, I don't know if you know about this but we've got three words from a listener. This is the first I'm hearing of a downstairs and I wish you talked to me about this before. Well, okay, well let me let me get taken down to the basics. We Andy we have listeners, right? There are people who listen. And then some of them donate to our Patreon, and they're allowed to give us suggestions for sketches, and we get to come up with a sketch based off of the three words. I like the sound of these people.

Well, you're gonna like love the sound of this one. This guy's name is Jack Stanton. Jack, I do love the sound of Jack. Yep, and I thought you would. Well, I'm gonna love. That's one of my son's middle names. You're gonna of Jack. Yep, and I thought you would. Well, you're gonna love. That's one of my son's middle names. You're gonna love Jack's words, but before we start, Andy, would you like guess what his words might be?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, serendipity. No, Andy. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Imagine if you had guessed that and it was correct. Oh, okay. That would have been pretty... Lepricon? Coincidental.

Lepricon? Hey? Lepricon. No, Andy. No. Okay. Dog? No, none of these are correct, Andy.

The first word is Venetian. Ah! Okay. The second one is meats. Venetian. Ah! Okay. The second one is meets. Venetian meets! Well it's M-E-E-T-S. Okay. Cool. But I do like the idea of Venetian meets, just meets that you sort of slice horizontal and then. That's exactly what I was thinking. Block light. And then the third word is Venusian. Venetian meets Venusian. Venusian would presumably be someone from Venus. Yeah. I think I wonder if we will ever be able to terraform Venus to make it habitable.

Because I like we just need to move some of the planets. Well, but if we're capable of making Earth uninhabitable just by changing the constituents of its atmosphere. Surely we can do the same thing for Venus, but the opposite, right? And we'll be able to go over there and, I don't know, plants and trees, get some of the carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere and make it terraform, make it livable, but I was wondering if maybe one of the ways we could do it was with an enormous set of Venetian blinds. High in the atmosphere. Sounds going to say by sending Italians there.

Well, they do bring a lot of culture, you know, and one of, I think, because terraforming, right, a lot of the time involves huge active, you know, moving rocks around, changing the atmosphere and all that sort of thing. But then once you've done that and you send robots or some sort of sentient slime mold to do that part of the job. But then after a while, it's now livable, but necessarily want to live there. And so you might send people from Italy who are able to establish a culinary culture and that sort of thing and then get it to the point.

People who have strong communities. This is in many ways, what Australia was like, probably, or the forties. This is a microcosm. This is a metaphor for Melbourne. Yes, exactly. It's a live on a street. A drivable place.

And then they established Ligon Street. And then suddenly the place had culture. You could get pizza. You could get pizza. You could get red wine. Mm-hmm. You could be exposed to professional... Yeah, you could be exposed to people who were professional cyclists. Um, is that anything?

Is that anything? Well, I don't know about the Italian part. Yeah, it's hard to think that sending a particular culture of people or race of people or whatever it is to a planet that you don't want to live in yet. It's hard to think of that as being anything other than a horribly racist and probably a crime. Sure, yeah, yeah. But, but, but, Alistair, I'm always wondering when are we going to get artificial spider silk, right? Because I remember when I was a kid and a teen, I used to read a lot of articles about how we were going to get artificial spider silk

and how spider silk is so strong, we're going to get it, it's better than regular silk and regular silk is already pretty good. Okay, and then I read this thing about how they're injecting spider enzymes into goats. And then the goats milk now contains the proteins that are in spider silk. And so far, I've never, and since then I haven't seen anything from it. I haven't seen the results of this spider silk goats. Anyone well. Anyone where a sort of a goat milk shirt?

I haven't, I haven't seen this. Right, and I want to know what happened to that. But, but, and maybe though, much like we can get some, maybe using crisper, right? We can take whatever it is that makes people for me to have a good culinary culture out of their DNA and put it into a bacterium or possibly into a goat. And then we can send that to the planet and have a single cell organism that is capable of

establishing a market gardens and just so that so this is just so that stuff is there when we get there we don't have to sell there's pizzas around there's pasta there's pizza there's antipasto there is good there's coffee and they've set up Venetian blinds of the planet isn't too hot even though it's so close to the sun. Exactly. It's the second one. Wait, wait, more of you. So it's mercury first and Venus and Venus is somehow the set is the hottest one.

Venus is the hottest because it has an atmosphere. It is, it is basically global warming. Okay. Yeah, it's wearing a, wearing a bit of a blanket. And so I think, Alistair, I think you'll find that that is technically a sketch idea and is slightly less racist than it was otherwise going to be. Okay, so we're sending a goat silk

and an spider silk goat with Italian DNA. Well, I think actually, putting it into a single cell organism, right? A bacterium that you can send over there. And then when you do land, there is like bubbling pools of rich organic matter, but floating on the surface of that pool is a margarita pizza. Sure. I mean, if you just needed somebody to just go and set up a whole bunch of shady

spots, that's what you really need. Yeah, shaded also. Be pretty crucial. But I guess we can all shade under the pizzas. Correct. Pizza umbrellas, pizza parasols. Um, I'm running it down. Yeah, yeah, but you're not feeling good about it. And why would you? It's a terrible idea.

Um, what were the words? I didn't, I didn't, uh, Venetian meets Venusian. I mean, I guess you could just have a hot gas blind. It's because there's Venetian blinds and there's Roman blinds. Those are two Italian blinds, right? I guess so, yeah. And then that's for blinds of it. I know which ones are the worst, are those Doily blinds. Oh, the ones that just like light lace curtains.

Yeah, lace curtains. Disgusting. They're a horrible, vile thing that seemed to only attract filth and make your house look like it is covered in spiders webs even when it isn't. They look terrible from inside and outside. Yeah. But it reminds you of grandparents at the same time. But what is it? We had them in one of our houses that we moved into and we took them all down and through

them in their basement in a garbage bag and never got them out. But technically they were still it's even when we left. So I think we got our bond bag. But they're really horrible. What is the advantage of that? Is it to sort of provide gas- That's all the light? I think it's just that people can't see

into your house properly. Right, but your windows, but you can still get I think it's just that people can't see into your house properly. Right. But your windows, but you can still get a lot of money. And you can't see it, but you can see doilies on the... You can see doilies at all times. My God.

What a fiasco. Who are these people who are looking into houses anyway? ask her. Who are these people who are looking into houses anyway? I mean I think if I had a good view of a place and of a window I think occasionally you can't help but just be interested. Maybe you're worried about peeping Tom's but then I would put it to this that sometimes wearing lace is a very sexy thing to look at. And if you have lace curtains, then everything that you look through the window at will be irresistibly sexy. And in so doing, you've actually made the situation worse. People are more likely to want to appear in it to to to peer in at you. Now that they can see you through lace. Andy, you've found the sketch.

Have a you did Andy, I really enjoyed that. Oh, no, then, you know, you got to your Nana's house and you go, Nana, what is this lice you've put under this fruit bowl Makes this the section of the table tops so erotic. It's not what's revealed. It's what's not revealed Hmm All I know is that I can't Nipple there and it makes me want to see one

But I what is that I can't nipple there and it makes me want to see one. But I what is heavily implied. Cool. All right. Well, then we got somewhere. Do you want to tell us what sketches we have today? You know what, Andy, would be an absolute pleasure. Well, we've got the dog squad detectives who are pretty sure dogs are behind crimes. Cool. And then we've got the freaky Friday genital. It's not a stupid idea, Anastair. And I'm glad this came to you fully formed. My God. I can't believe I'll be surprised if nobody's done that before, but God,

we better write it fast because Andy, this is going to get scooped up. Someone's just, if somebody murmurs it even near a movie studio, it'll get picked up. Then we've got, this is a half sketch, but wife and husband get each other's hand. I think there's something good here. I think there's something good here. I just, I don't know if somebody's just had a scene in my head where they're both eating from the same popcorn, like bowl the popcorn and then maybe the husband starts rubbing the head of the wife that's going into the popcorn. Yep. And then she's like, you're rubbing your own hand. Yeah.

You go, no. I don't know, I don't know why I find that funny. All right. I don't think you should rub somebody's hand when they're putting it into popcorn. You don't think that you should? No, but if it's you, you know, it's like you're caressing your, your beloved's hand. Not when they're going for popcorn. You know, like

you're your hands meet, your hands meet in the bowl. Hands that that's a, that's a business transition. And your hands would be moving too fast for them to be caught for a moment of love. Then we've got raising a child in a locked car. Then we've got butt-patt bond. Then we've got stole the thing to exercise my hand and then I'm stealing my way up. I think stealing my way up might be my tumble. Then we got terraforming venus by Venetian bacteria. I'm sorry about that. And then we've got lace curtains make it more sexy for peeping tones. Everything's sexy. And the wall sexy with L.A.

TV sexy. I wear glasses which have lace over the lenses. Yeah, I look at the world. Looks so sexy. Lice spectacles. And I am constantly erect. The world just seems more like less spectacles. You may have just came across a new title for this.

Yeah, all right, life's specs. All right, Andy, I'll take us through the song. BOOT BADDY! BOOT BADDY! BOOT BADDY! BOOT BADDY! BOOT BADDY! BOOT BADDY! BOOT BADDY!

BOOT BADDY! Thank you so much for listening to the podcast. God fuck we appreciate it. Gosh fuck it, you know, it's really lovely of you. Thank you for being here. Thanks for staying. I hope you that your lives are good. You can find us on Twitter, at Two in Tank and on Instagram at Two in Tank and I'm at Alistair TV on Twitter and a Tromblay virtual. Stupid old Andy. I'm Instagram.

Sorry. Oh my god. And you can refuse and you can support us on Patreon if you like some people have been jumping in. Oh so good. You can check out magma. You're all the great. And feel free to check out.

The link is in the show notes and we love... Love! You. You. Bye. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates.

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