Two In The Think Tank - 252 - "SMELL THE NOSES"

Episode Date: September 22, 2020

Shakesperson, Full Drugs Method, Nasal Delivery, Nostril Docking, Smelling Noses, Hands to Mouth, Gargle Translate, Pirates Pirating Pirates Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, feel like I like those ads I always feel like I make them go a little bit too long. I don't seem to know how to stop and then sometimes I so I let you do it and then I see you also don't know how to stop and it makes me feel good. That's great but if you better at stopping them than me but yeah if you were to measure the length of our different ones. I think we've got some huge differences between how much we go. I know, absolutely. I'm not denying that, Alistair. I would just say that,

you know, ultimately in heaven we're judged by the standards we set for ourselves. And I think that you'll also be going to hell because I think you'd like yours to be shorter and they're not. And I'd like mine to be shorter and they're not. Even though mine are invariably longer than yours. Is this good conversation to people? I mean, people are going, this is exactly what I came here for. Yeah, I'm getting, I'm actually getting, getting a lot of positive feedback on Twitter about this conversation right now. Really, people are learning.

Yeah, the feed's really lighting up. People are learning. All the lines are full. The board, the board lit up. And we're going to take our first caller. You know, when you said the lines are full, you made me think of this idea that somebody has had so much cocaine that they actually couldn't have another sniff.

And this is the solution to cocaine addiction to all forms of addiction that nobody is exploring. You know, you can't snort moct cocaine if your nose is already packed full of cocaine. And I don't know, I don't know what they do at the Betty Ford clinic. I don't know if is that a is that a rehab center? Feel like a town's like a town's like a department. Yeah. I always get the Betty Ford clinic confused with the Ponds Institute. And I don't know. I feel like maybe Ponds Institute is skin care. Yeah. I always get the Betty Ford click, confused with the Ponze Institute. And I don't know. I feel like maybe Ponze Institute is skincare. Yeah, I always get Betty Ford mixed up with Betty Crocker.

But, you know, and maybe because in a way they both make something sweet, they give you freedom from... Yes. Go on. Well, one gives you freedom from addiction and the other one give you freedom from... Yes. God. Well, one gives you freedom from addiction and the other one gives you freedom from that feeling you get when you really want something really bad and it gives... and that satisfies your craving.

They're almost working opposite ends of the... of the Betty spectrum, aren't they? They're opposite people. There's a Betty for every occasion, you know? You know, in the mouth of a worse man, that could sound like a bad thing. But in what? No, but no, not like, not socially, I just mean like,

you know, you could hear that same sentence, let's say in the voice of a guy who is a CEO of some football league. Oh, yeah. And he goes, oh, there's a Betty for every occasion, huh? Like that. Suddenly you're like, oh, well, that is dense with grossness. I don't know. I don't know. It still feels okay to me. And maybe that's my problem. But also maybe it's the power of the name Betty, which is one of the most innocent of all the names. Name is single, um, dictator, who's been called Betty. You can't. Oh, wait, my case. Betty Mugabe. No. Is it Robert? Is that his name? Robert Mugabe? And they call it Betty. Yeah, because he was one of the,

he was one of the sort of backup singers for a guy called Rob. Rob and the Robettes. Yeah. Beautiful. Is Earth the male-et? I think so. I think Earth is the male-et.

But if you have Earth-et, that's the male-et. Female version of the male. And if you have it hertette, that's the male to the male, female version of the male. And if you have it at hert, this is nothing. Tenet, the Christian Nolan movie I haven't seen. It's actually back-to women with an end in there. Great. So Charlie's Angels.

You know that classic, should we start again? No, absolutely not. No, no, no. Alistair, this is all good. Is this good? This is all good. This is like, this is what people come here for, right?

You know, this is when you see, you're watching Lego masters, right, and they drag, I don't, I haven't seen Lego masters, but I'm gonna paint a word picture and everybody's gonna get on board. They drag a big box of old Lego out of the shed and the bits there, and you pour it out onto the floor in the living room. They don't do that either.

And that's what this bit is, right, of the show. The pouring out of the Lego onto the floor. And then we scrape through and we sort out the bits that are actually juplo, and we sort of pick through it and we vacuum up all the bits that are actually mouse shit. And then we put together something that looks a bit like a pirate ship. And that's the show, you know?

It's like a word Lego. Isn't it true that we've probably discussed this already? But the dictionary is basically your big box of Lego. But the dictionary is basically your big box of Lego, and then all creative projects are just assembling that Lego. Yeah, and would you say that conversation over the centuries is the manufacturing process that makes the box of Lego? Yes, they refine the organically grown Lego that is refined over the generations. How many words do you think that are in the dictionary? Words that are in the dictionary. Yeah, we're created by somebody who just

thought, fuck it, I'm gonna throw this made-up word into conversation and they nailed it. It like, it really stuck. Everybody was like, I like that. This is the Shakespeare thing, right? That apparently he came up with all these words. And you just, I just don't think that you can do that. I don't know.

I think he took it from the streets. Really? And you just, I just don't think that you can do that. I don't know. Well, I think he took it from the streets. Really? Yeah, I think it was like common parlance. Oh, so he didn't, he didn't, he didn't come up with the words. I'm not sure. I think that's what I heard that it was kind of probably words that people used, but that he, that he was like, yeah, I'm gonna write him down in a thing where

nobody else, nobody else. These words that people use, I'm gonna use those words, but everybody said, whoa, that's bold. But they probably weren't, you know, they probably weren't considered, you know, there would have been a bunch of jerks around, who, you know, are dictionary cunts, who would keep going, that's not a word, that's not a word like that. And then Shakespeare used it and they were like, oh, he really made that a word. I, can we have a sketch where it's a dictionary cunt, heckling, and opening night of a Shakespeare play back in the tale of Shakespeare.

It's just that's not a word, that's not a word. Yeah, that's really good. Probably that's not a word, he'd say that as well. And then he'd also say it's implausible that a male and a female identical twin could be confused for each other. I find that unlikely. That's the other thing. Why aren't there any women in this play that are played by women? He would also say. Except for the one that's played by Gwyneth Paltrow, but she's playing a man playing a woman. And I also find that to be unacceptable. I don't know why, but I really like,

this sort of something I really like is women pretending to be men pretending to be women. Is that extra level really does it for me? Yeah, okay. Name another scenario in which you've witnessed that. And it's... There's a movie in which Tony Colette is in, where they are doing drag. Connie and Carla. Yeah. And that preview really did it for me. It did it for me to such an extent that I wasn't able to watch the rest of the film. In a way, my mind was packed with the cocaine. My mind was anostral, packed with the cocaine.

Listen, a nasal cavity and the sinus. That means. An nasal cavity. Yes. The sinus. You know what's packed all the way back into the sinuses? Is it cocaine? It goes all the way in. Well, I mean, that's, I mean, if you ever had to rinse out your nostrils with one of those like water. Never have, never have, never want that. Tell you what you really, you really learn a lot about the inside of your

face by doing that because you go oh I'm just filling up some random cavity that's inside my face and then it gets full and then the water starts coming out the other nostril. So you you you have sort of yeah the great caverns within the head. Does anyone ever smuggle anything in there? I want to know if it's a smuggleable cavity, isn't it? You'd probably talk weird. I don't know. weird. I think you just I think you might just sound a bit nasal and you know what I reckon you could get it past the sniffer dogs because they'd never suspect another

nose. They would you know they're all they they they're either nose and they don't think a sling dog would wanna believe that a nose could go bad like that. And I don't think you can actually smell a nose. Is that right? I think that's one of the quirks of the nose, is that the nose itself doesn't have a smell. Well, it wouldn't, you wouldn't want it to.

I feel like we've talked about this in the past, possibly with regards to flavor, that neutral flavor should be mouth flavor. But if you were designing a nose, you wouldn't want a nose that smells because it would introduce a sampling error, a systemic sampling error into your mechanism. Absolutely. Absolutely. It would make your results all skew with. Is it a whiff joke? Yeah. Yeah, that's good. Sorry, I was distracted. But do you know about the word skew if? Well, what do you mean do I know about the word skew if? What do you mean do I know about the word skew if? Well, I mean, you know that word, right?

Yeah. Well, it has the word whiff in it. We were talking about noses. It just feels like the kind of thing that you would appreciate. Yeah, I do. I do, Alistair. I was just distracted. I wanted to check that my computer was still recording. And it was. Thank God. So, I was all right. But I think you'll agree that that's a worthy,

that's one of the few permittable distractions. So, what is this sketch? The sketch is where a, I'm distracted because it always, it looks like my recording is too big and bold. Oh, it looks like mine's too small, but I think it's still working. Great. This will be fun for the audience members to find out at home. Yeah, they'll know by the quality of the recording.

I feel like they'll know. They'll be hearing me peak. Yeah. And then they'll be hearing all the digital distortion and how much George is at the pump you up. So this is a sketch. Last week's episode, I don't know if you can get me. No, no, you say.

Well, I was just gonna say last week's episode, there was a section at the end where we had to cut out two minutes because you're recording to stop for a while. But fortunately, we waffaffles so much that you could cut two minutes out of the conversation, and it made no difference. Well, that may be the case for other episodes, but today it's all gold on stop. So, so this sketch where somebody is, is somebody smuggling something in their nasal cavity because the dog, the dog, the sniffer dog respects the nose too much. I mean, I don't know how you would express this.

Express the respect that a dog has. I mean, I think, well, I think you could just have footage of people smelling noses and that is itself. That is a beautiful piece of sketch. I've seen them. That is art. If you were to sniff a nose, now I don't have anyone does this, but you could sort of 69 with your noses, right? And you just press your nostrils into their nostril openings.

And you just breathe in and out will press your nostrils into their nostril openings. And you just breathe in and out through your noses. And I guess you should do. You should put like a piece of penne in your right nostril. Yeah, great. And they put a piece of penne in their left nostril. Almost like penne was designed specifically with nostril docking.

And then you guys can lock each other in. Wait, wait, no, I think it can't be right and left. I think you both have to put it in the same nostril. Yeah, you're right because you'll be facing each other. Yep. That's right. Got a good to think through these logistics. And I think the best thing to do would be to put a pillow in the middle of the bed.

Okay. And you both sort of curl up, why don't you, you at the top of the bed and one of you at the bottom of the bed, you place your heads on the pillow and you line up your nostrils in the middle of the bed facing each other obviously. And then you, yeah, and then you pen A,

you plug in with the pen A. And then you, yeah, and then you pen a you plug in with the pen a if anyone's doing this or if any listeners to the show yeah if we got any couples who listen to the show you know maybe maybe before sex or or just after yeah you know while you're already together there and you're looking for some way to continue the connection. Run, run to the kitchen, grab some pen A. I think we know we have at least one couple that listens. We've got I think you do. Karina and Fraser. Yes. Now I'm not saying you guys have to try this. But we're just saying that we know you're a couple. That has damed you on the show. I mean, we're not saying you have to send us a photo of you docking nostrils with penne.

You see, I'm in the sad situation in which I think my wife would think that this is too stupid to try. That is really sad. Well, you know, there are some things you got to. How does it get to that point? You know, because at the start of a relationship, it feels like we'll connect anything to anything. Well, you're trying to please the other person, you're trying to not lose them.

You know, and if they say, let's dock nostrils with, with Pene, you're gonna say, you know what? You wanna seem fun, you know? You wanna seem like you're up for it. Yeah, but then I feel like there's probably another peak later on, you know, maybe 30, 40, 50 years into a relationship where you're, you know, you're willing to try anything.

So it probably comes back around. I was being unfair. I think that she would let me do that with her on my birthday. I want to know if you sucked in through your nose, right? If somebody else was, could you, if you sucked in through your nose, right? If somebody else was, could you, if you sucked in through your nose, then through their nose, could you get air sort of coming from through their mouth and then up through that connection that those two systems have, right? So you could breathe basically be breathing mouth air, but it's there mouth air, but through your nose. Well, see, this is what this is what the nose is longed for for so long.

You know, the nose has been trapped breathing in nose air for millennia. And as we are all constrained by the limitations of our own world, you know, we're all trapped and we all, I think, look and say that the garages greener or in this case, probably the gas is cleaner on the other side of the system. The only downside to doing it like this is that of course the mouth air is tainted somewhat by going through the other person's nose. And the only way that you could avoid that is by putting your nose directly to their mouth. Yeah, just.

But that seems so unhygienic in these times. Nobody even puts their nose in somebody's mouth. Do they? Like, that's not something anyone does. There is that scene in the Batman movie with the Penguin where he does bite somebody's nose. Really? The Penguin does?

Yeah, the Penguin. There's Danny DeVito as the Penguin does bite someone really hard on the nose. While he himself actually probably has the most biteable nose. Yeah, that's really playing with fire, I think. Oh, absolutely. You're given people ideas that you don't want them to. Don't even, don't even bring nose biting into the conversation. That's like bringing a, you know, if you go into a, you know, risky scenario, if you take a gun,

somebody's, that you're much more likely to, I don't know what I'm describing here, but you're much more likely to end up being shot with your own gun. And so if you bring both nose biting, to any kind of frontation, especially if you have such a a chewable honker. You, it's just, you know, I wouldn't want to bring it up. Now, Andy, I don't want to bring this up, but we are low on sketch ideas, because I don't know if we've quite, you know, with any of this cocaine stuff yet, if we've, if we've achieved, I think maybe neither of us know enough about cocaine, but

I think the idea of being full or smuggling stuff in the nasal cavity. Look, no, I think there's a separate idea is absolutely Alistair. Being full of drugs, right? Mm-hmm. Is a type of... A type of absence, you know? Sure. Yeah. You're keeping your body at maximum drugs at all times. At maximum drugs, that means you can't have more drugs. You know, what is the problem with being addicted to drugs?

You keep having more drugs. Yeah. But if you're full of drugs, you can't have more drugs, and therefore your addiction is cured. At least temporarily. Until the drugs sort of get used up in your body. Yes, but what if we invented a newer, more permanent form of heroin? Hmm.

The body... Can't get rid of it. Sort of like an IUD. Sort of like an IUD, but with... I hate it. But what it does is that it just kind of makes you feel like you're on heroin. Or it is heroin. But it's just basically a piece of metal that's infused with heroin. Sort of like a copper heroin alloy. Exactly.

Then the other one, which is smuggling things inside the nose because you can't smell the nose. Now that's a thing, but also I think there's a subsketch there, which is easier footage of just people leaning in to smell the nose. You know, I mean, I realize that there's a lot of things that are linked so far today. is your footage of just people leaning in to smell a nose. I mean, I realized that there's a lot of things that are linked so far today, not least of which the nostrils

that we've quite literally linked together. But I think, I just wanna see that close up footage, it almost feels like I look around you kind of a sketch where they would just have people leaning in and sniffing each other's noses. I don't know. I didn't smell like. Yeah, it's very educational. And you don't see eyes, I don't think, and I don't think you might see mouths, but I think it's been framed in such a way so that, yeah, it's just you're really getting nose smelling nose.

I think it knows has a lot of personality when it's smelling, but outside is smelling. The nose remains pretty inactive in the expression business. Well, I think you can flare those nostrils. I'd argue the nose does considerably more than the ears, which really do just sit there. No, they do go up and down a little bit. Mm, I know. There's that thing that happens when you're talking to people

and you go, their ears just moved. And it's got some, it's got something to do with like a scalp movement of some sort. There are people who like, you know, you see those people who can just wiggle their scalps around. Everyone in my family can do it except for me. We can get here. Really? Yeah. Oh, man.

I just have no idea what muscle you're contracting. I bet they all get together at the Christmas dinner table. And they're all wiggling. Mm-hmm. Back at the pool. Exactly what happens, everybody's wiggling. And it's wind coming off of their ears. And I'm just sitting there, breeze going over me. My hair is getting tussled.

That's tear. That's tear. You know, a tear falls down my cheek. And I feel that sort of that line of wetness get unbelievably cold because of the, the sort of the, the wind chill. The wind chill. And then I think nostril docking, I think is another idea.

You think so? I think we've probably got five sketch ideas. Thank you, good night. Wait, it's a nostril docking, all right, all right, nostril docking. Nostril docking, you didn't even write down nostril docking. Well, no, I just didn't feel like it was a nostril docking, alright? Nostril docking. Nostril docking, you didn't even rip down nostril docking. Well, no, I just didn't feel like it was a sketch idea. But...

It is, it causes a sketch idea. I also have a starting to wonder if you even know what a sketch idea is. Well, I'm starting to wonder whether our audience wonders whether we know. This episode is brought to you by Progressive. Most of you aren't just listening right now. You're driving, cleaning, and even exercising. But what if you could be saving money by switching to Progressive? Drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average, and auto customers qualify

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Yeah, well, I mean, because what do we do? We do a lot of kissing, which is basically tasting mouths. And it feels like there's, you know, if that was kissing, is kissing one of the bases? Is that first base? That's got to be one of the bases. No, it must be. I think this is the bases, right? A kind regard.

That's first base. Yeah, OK. You know, sort of a a good natured question. I think that's the second base. A third base is receive. A fall in the loving quarry. Is receiving an answer. Yeah.

And the home run. What was the one that you said kissing on the mouth? There you go. Kissing on the mouth, yes. Or cheek. But I think maybe in between the two, in between receiving an answer and kissing on the mouth, I think there might be smelling noses. Yeah, it's got to be in there. I mean, if the base system, you know, if the base system is actually a spectrum, then everything is on there. Yes. And it's probably an infinite number.

I think maybe the one that I've got is an exponential base system in which a lot happens between one side of the home run plate and then in the end of the home run plate. Okay. So the corner of that plate for me is a kiss on the cheek. And then as you get further in, it's like, you're set of your mouth moves across the cheek onto the mouth. Yeah, you're sort of your mouth moves across the cheek onto the mouth. Yeah.

And then very quickly, tongues are entering and then I guess putting fingers in the mouth is there, so too. You know. While you're kissing? Um, yeah, I think so. I think eventually, you know, I mean, if everything's on there, I think eventually you've got to get both hands into each other's mouths. Yeah, I mean, if everything's on there, I think eventually you've got to get both hands into each other's mouths.

Yeah, I mean, with just another room for your tongue to escape and touch the other person's tongue, just to keep it as a kiss. Less interesting than the exact things that are on the spectrum in between those two points, are for me the challenge of deciding which ones are more or less intimate. Because there's such a huge range of complexity that... I would like to hear it like a, you know, I'm sure you have a some of like a, of what's somewhat surprising opinion on one aspect of this, is that, is there a particular example you're thinking of?

You know, well, I wish I could supply with something really great, I'll ask that, but I like, I'm thinking, you know, having fingers from two different hands. Yeah. You know, from two different people or? No, no, no, fingers from both your hands in Yeah, from two different people. No, no, no, fingers from both your hands in the other person's mouth. Mm-hmm. While you're kissing, I would argue is more intimate than most other forms of sexual penetration. Right.

Like in terms of the progress of your relationship, I would strongly argue that nobody has done fingers from two hands in the mouth. Yeah. Before, they've done almost everything else that is a traditional part of the love-makers palette. Sure, absolutely. And that, and you know, to me, puts it under the long. You remember that I've put at least a number of fingers into your mouth, right?

Oh, God. Which in your, I mean, not whilst kissing, but. Not whilst kissing. Not whilst kissing, but. I mean, not whilst kissing, but not whilst kissing but But to you you're like yeah, that's that's more intimate than anal Yeah, that's right and I have I have held your lips in my head. Yeah, right help them open for you But that's why that's why we don't need to do any of that other stuff Andy That's why there's no tension at all between it

And we've we've gone as far as as they can go Yeah, you're right All the way did the other side of home base is this a is this anything? I mean, I think it's like there's a it's like there's a fifth base. Yeah. Yeah. I think, you know, the fact that there is a is a limited number of bases is what makes it's is what makes, it's almost a Bitcoin kind of thing, right? There's scarcity, and that's what makes those bases, those what four bases, so valuable, appear to have their cashier.

Absolutely. have their cash. I absolutely. And you know what's even more intimate and having both both hands in the mouth is if one of those hands has like one of those like weird leather sort of bracelets that somebody wears at all times and will will kind of definitely have a sort of sweaty smell. Yeah. And that will be right up against your nose as they're kind of wrist deep in the gullet. Two hands completely gone. Yeah.

Storing them in your cheeks like a hamster. Like a hamster. Ah, is that what you've been building up to that punch line this whole time? Haven't you ever? Let's do. I enter every episode. All conversation up. I enter every episode with five punch lines. And then I just have to list five pounds.

I have to. Um, I mean, that's a really interesting idea, Andy, but like the idea that, oh, I guess that's a game I've seen done, but like the idea that we would go in and challenge ourselves or somebody challenges us to get a certain punchline in, and then we have to work the conversation there. Well, I've definitely done that as a conversational gambit, more on like little comedy panel shows and that sort of thing.

But like where you think of a joke when the conversation could go in a particular direction and then fuck it, it doesn't go in that direction. And then you have to drag the whole thing around, stop the ship, change the direction, and then you can get in your little joke that you know plays to near silence. But then the fun is in seeing them take that ship that's ground to a halt and get it chugging again. That's what the fun of comedies. Halt. We don't use the word halt much anymore. Do you think it's because it sounds a bit like something a Nazi would say? Is it a German word? Holt. Holt. Right. Look like I reckon once upon a time Holt would have been right up there with stop but I think it's very possible that the Second World. Holt is absolutely a German word. There you go. Because I looked it up and it didn't even give me

the English dictionary meaning. It gave me a Google translate straight away. I use Google by the way, I don't know what you guys use. Google is pretending it doesn't even, Google is so worried about their slogan, don't be evil. It pretends it doesn't even know the word halt. Like what, what is it, what are you speaking German to me? I don't know what that is. I'll have to translate that for you. It is of a Germanic origin. It doesn't seem, it's actually going up a little bit, Andy, in recent use. But I wonder what that's attached to.

But that's not. All right. But I mean, I think that could just be that there's more people in the world. It's probably not going up as much as there is more people. I don't think... I think they do it as a proportion of things, Alistair. It's not like... It's not all the usage of all those words just grows I think they do it as a proportion of things, Alistair. There's no mention. Not all the usage of all those words just grows with the growth in population.

I think it could. That wouldn't be very useful, darling. I don't think so. Well, I don't know. I mean, it could. I mean, it looked who knows. Speaking of shoe-haunting punchlines in LSD. What does the, I've got this new technology that helps dentists to understand what their

patients are saying while they're operating in their in their mouths and there's all that saliva and liquid and stuff in there. Really? I hear it's called gargle translate. No, it's Google translate. Sorry, Alice, I don't know what you're talking about. Yours is stupid. What do you think there's a connection between gargle and gurgle?

No, totally different origins, the words. It's amazing. It's an example of convergent evolution, like the dolphin and the shark. I mean, they both are perfect words for what they mean. You're right. Which is roughly, you know, they mean are perfect words for what they mean. You're right. Which is roughly, you know, they mean roughly the same thing. Yeah. Yeah. I think Gargle is more feels like a...

Something that you do with intent. Whereas, Google, you know, it feels like you could... It's just an intent. Maybe whilst dying. Yeah, but yes, it's just that it's a thing. It's a thing. Maybe whilst dying. Mm. Yeah, but yes, it feels more involuntary, gurgling. Like, you know, if somebody was drowning, you would say they're making a gurgling sound, but I don't think you would say they're making a gurgling sound. Oh, excuse me.

That feels very intense. I'm drowning. I'm drowning! I'm drowning! Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr a gargling sound, a person who's drowning would not make a gargling sound. They would make a gargling sound. You idiot. Well, whatever. Common sea. And then he goes, this is the help. Help.

Help. From the start. Yeah. Help. Ah. I want to know what at the end there, what are you picturing the person's seeing? Somebody in the water having trouble sort of like keeping your head above water. Right.

But then they're kind of, you know, they're kind of going under a little bit and then coming up and going, help, help. And then they go, when they open their mouth, point it towards the sky and go, ahhhh. Right, because I was wondering if it was somebody, you bring the person who said, surely they'd be gurgling, not gargling. You bring them in and you take them into a bathroom where someone is standing in front of the mirror, saying, help, help, and then gargling on some mouthwash or something like that. But I think somebody gargling what?

What is? Gargling in water. I know, I know. Yours isn't very good. But what gargling mouthwash is? I know, I know, yours isn't very good. But what gargling mouthwash is, is it's an attempt to do a, to micro dose with drowning. Mm-hmm. It's targeted medicinal drowning.

That's right. With ocean water usually often. Well, we even use the salt, don't we? That's right. To fill the bacteria. Roll play. What would it be like to be, you know, say, involved in a mutiny, how did see? Yes. And, you know, obviously I've got a sore throat due to the poor health that I would have.

Check, I got that because I got that cool that tons of lightest I think what a you know how they must have discovered that was When they were sort of trying to drown people at sea drown the old captain or whatever because they've had a mutiny and then he He they just do it a little bit, just to threaten him, right? And then they bring him back into the ship after he's been gurgling there in the water for a while. And his ulcers have totally healed up.

And everybody's commenting on it. I reckon they would have a lot of ulcers as well, probably from... Well, Sharon from... Sure. Of course. Stom... And so while he's drowning, they're commenting on how... How much it seems like his pain has eased from... The mouth, you know, yeah. The mouth ulcer pain has gone down significantly on the...

on the big paint chart. You know, it actually seemed quite debilitating earlier, but now he seems to be doing quite well. I mean, the quality of his shouting voice has increased dramatically. I wonder if it's salt water. That's a great, great voice work you're doing there, Alistair. We don't do a lot of accents on this show. We're thinking about doing a lot more. Dara, I think at the end there, I kind of turned into an irony setting, bad Irish, but you know.

But that was fine. I was picturing like this ship where they've press ganged people from all different nationalities and dragged them on board, all different nationalities. Wow. Irish, the full, equatorial, experience. Ah, my favorite of all the guineas. Really?

You don't like a papa? Oh. You're right. I said it. I said it. Thinking that there weren't any other guineas. I think there is just new guineas as well. New guine, pop-up, new guine, west guine, and Guyana. I mean there are so many guineas. Where did guineas? I don't know why I think it's pop pop pop. New Guinea is New Guinea, okay. Right, but there's also the Guinea which you know was the

British Unit of currency. Fuck they had a a boner for units of currency, didn't they? They had so many different words for all the currencies. They loved the unit. Yeah. So, so Guinea is a West Coastal country in West Africa, formerly known as French Guinea. But did they conquer places? Is that why there's a lot of...

The French? No, not the French. I know the French did. But is New Guinea related to... Guinea? I don't think the people of Guinea conquered... Papa and New Guinea. Okay, that could have been the French. It could have been the French that did that.

I think... Yeah, let's go back to the root of this whole thing and say it's probably. I was just I was thinking like, but it's not common enough. There are enough. And what we need to do is invest a lot of research. And there I say even if necessary, some seed capital into finding, and if not creating some non-white colonial racism. Of course. And if not creating some non-white colonial race. Of course. Is a little late for this? Sure, but better look at nothing.

Sure, but then you can see the problem of a bunch of white guys training other people's to colonize other countries as just being a further example of the evil of white people, especially if they're doing it just to alleviate their guilt. Oh no, you say I can't colonialize my way out of this colonialization problem. The solution is more colonialism. Yeah, if only I could take over the country and make them colonize other places Look when all you have is Hegemoni mm-hmm, then it's pretty soon everything starts to look like Look, I don't know what hegemonia a bunch. Yeah a bunch of beads that you offer different people And I think we have enough ideas here for us to go to that's good A bunch of beads that you offer. Different people. Sure.

And I think we have enough ideas here for us to go to. Oh, that's good. Three words from a listener. OK. And I've done, if you know about this, Andy, but we have Patreon supporters. And it's magnificent. Every single one of them is an angel.

An angel. To an individual. They are all angelic. Little cherubs. Absolutely. And one of them is sent in three words as a suggestion for a sketch idea. And today's- This is news to me, but I'll go along with it today's listener is Andrew Smurny Otis No Andrew Smurny Otis Look I may be ruining their name. I think I might be saying it like it's you

Have said your first name in full. Yeah And then realize that you were trying to hide your identity. And then came up with a meta-plast name that ended in my son's first name. I think because you were like, you got to come up with a name. The temptation is you feel it. You know, when you're on the spot, you feel like you have to invent an entirely new name.

And you don't, you can just choose one of the existing names. In fact, that's probably the safest thing to do. No, no, no. Then what you did, this was what you're thinking when you were saying smerny, you said you went smur, and you went, oh, I know you went smur, and you went, oh, oh, you went smurn. And you went, oh, that's starting to sound Russian, like smurn off. Yeah.

I'm going to pivot now. And you went smurny. And then you went, this is, what you went smurnio. And you went, this is starting to sound You Italian for my liking now and I don't think I could pull off Italian If there were any questions and then you went I just got a think of a name and then you used your oh entrance point

To go into Otis which is a name that you know from my son and you were like that's it I think I saved this because no one can argue that Otis isn't a name Andrew Smirnie. Just Eddie Otis. Thank you, and I Hope you maybe that's how you got your name. Maybe that's how you got your name. Let us know if Alistair was right. Yeah, let us know. Also, I'm sorry if I just wrote it down wrong and I'm just absolutely butchering your name, but anyway.

So, so Andrew sent in these words, Andy. I don't know if you want to guess, but I can give you a hint because the word, there's at least one word here, and possibly all three, that are in a way related to something that we've talked about today. So we've definitely said at least one of these words during this episode. Shakespeare. No, Shakespeare. Shakespeare. No, no. The first word is pirates. Oh, okay. Yeah.

The second word is pirating. And the third word is, don't you wanna try, I guess the third word? Piracy. Pirates. I am pirate. Andy, Andy, Andy, you guessed a word right. It is piracy. Yeah. That's right. You actually guessed a word right. And I mean, you know, there was some guidance in there, but Andy, there's a lot of words in the world. There was some guidance in there, but Andy, there's a lot of words in the world.

Yeah. You could have said dog, you know, you're right. I kind of wish I had now. No, I mean, I think it would have been funny. But very right words. We have pirates pirating piracy. Very fun to say. And so I guess if you were just to think about what this is just at face value, these are pirates. Who's are stealing the idea of taking things illegally.

Well, and I imagine if you were the first pirate out there on the high seas, taking things illegally, you know, stuff with people saying, give us your stuff. But everybody else, all the other pirates are doing things so honestly. Yes. And paying for things and saying, what's this big thing of gold worth? I'll, all right, well, I'll see if I can. What's this big thing of gold worth? All right, well, I'll see if I can the equivalent weight of gold. I'll see if I have that.

Ah, yes, lucky enough, I was working in the field earlier this year and I've collected enough gold to pay for this big chest of gold. And in that person, maybe is, maybe the encounter this other person who, as I see, he has just his own boat, he's by himself, but he's got a pretty big ship, this bad one. And then he encounters the good ones,

the ones who are like everybody, all the other pirates at the time. And the bad one says, hey, do you guys want to do this neat thing? We'll take our little rescue boats that we have, those little ones. We'll all get nose and have a little, yeah, let's get our, in our wooden dingy's and have a little, yeah, let's get our, get in our wooden dinghies and have a little like, you know, floating rigatta of some sort. And our dinghies, it'll just be neat. We can drink rum, it'll just be something different.

And they're like, ah, fuck out of this guy's cool. I don't know, let's try it. You know, I like drinking rum, any excuse? Let's get to have a little rigatta. Anyway, he steals their boat while they're in that thing and sales off, he's sailing two boats. You know, like those people who steal a bike and they're riding their bike

right holding the other one by the handle. And it seems crazy, right? But he's doing that, but he's just got a foot-need ship. Fucking two boats over here. Well, two boats. I love it. Crew in it, and he's got a bit of rope set up so that he can, I don't know.

He's doing the whole thing. Doing the whole thing. Well, he's got a bit of rope set up so that he can, I don't know. He's doing the whole thing. Doing the whole thing. Well, he's the first man to ever steal, at least in the pirate world. And then those guys while they're in their little regatta, lucky they've been left with a regatta. Am I using the right word here, regatta? Do you mean flotilla? I mean, a regatta is kind of like a sort of a competitive sail boat or rowing racing day. I mean, they could be to, oh yes. Well, I mean, it still consists of a series of boats or yachts.

But, but, but, but it consists of a series of boat or yacht races. Yeah. Damn. Well, what I mean is a flotilla, but there's another word for flotilla. Yeah. Man, if I could go to the Soros right now. It is not important. Does it sound similar to...

Yeah. It's got a little bit of similarity to it. Maybe regatta is the word. Is also can just be you just floating about. I could be wrong, I don't know, but I thought it was a race. Well, there's also an armada. Armada. Is that the one you wanted?

I don't think so. No. It's also our ghosty here, but I don't know what that is. Well, anyway. So then those people start to steal? Yeah. Yeah, well, I mean, what we've got here is ourselves a little a little bit But but but then I think what would happen is that the guy who was the original pirate would be annoyed and other people copying his idea of being a pirate

Right, and he would try to stop them like stealing things. That's my idea basically. Yeah, you know what he would do He would be floating around his two ships, right? Mm-hmm I know what he would do. He would be floating around his two ships, right? And he would come across a cup of bunch of people who are in their own boats on their little dinghies. And he'd be like, hey, and he's like, I'm gonna steal those dinghies. And he goes, what are you guys doing? And they said, oh, some other guys in some dinghies,

we were sailing past them in our big ship and they took our thing, took our ship. I often go off in this regard and he goes, hey, that's my idea. And then he goes, I'm going to go hunt these people down. And I'm not sure what he does when he finds he finds them, but that's how at least the whole thing can be linked together. I mean, it's almost a film now. It is almost a film. Like, it feels a little bit almost like, not that I've seen it, but the movie, The Invention of Lying, with Ricky and Grace.

Yeah, but... But with piracy. But imagine that with pirates. But on the high seas. And it's on the high seas. So it'll be a lot more expensive to film. It's the invention of piracy. I like going into a movie studio and say,

you guys like the invention of lying? Well, that, but massively more expensive. Like that, but you're taking a huge risk. It's like the invention of lying meets pirates of the Caribbean. It meets water world. Yeah. I think, uh, fuck, what was I going to say? Oh yeah, I'm just going to riff further on that thing where we've already expressed that

idea very neatly, I must say, very neatly expressed. But yes, someone who thinks that they have the right to protect the concept of stealing things is very good. But also I might even throw into the mix the very idea of trying to copyright the idea of copyright infringement. That was my idea. Yeah, that's a cool, I mean, that's the thing is that once you get to this point of how to once like he goes and finds them, what does he do then? Because that's really where it is. He's then he's he realizes that he's got to protect his own idea

and because that was his advantage as a pirate. It was his niche. And so they've taken away a lot of his business. Yes, yeah. And also I think once there's, you know, when there's only one pirate, it's fine. But once there's a lot of pirates around, then people start to put extra cannons on

their ships to protect themselves. They take more swords and crew and they have better protected ships. And it becomes this whole sort of arms race kind of thing. When really you do, you want to be the only pirate. That would be the best being the only pirate. That would be the best being the only pirate. Nobody's going to bother protecting themselves if there's only one pirate. And you get all the rich pickings. I guess, you know, it's like being a coronavirus. If there was only one little coronavirus molecule going around infecting people, having a great time, going over

to somebody else, having a great time there as well, it would be fine. It would be heaven. It would be heaven. No one would be inventing a vaccine for that. No, you're right. That's right. No, we're after it. And I think that's everything that we need.

That's all I sketch ideas. Should I take us through the ideas? I'll stare. I'd love that. We've got a dictionary cunt heckling shakespear. That's not a word. That's not a word. Are you there? There we've got the dictionary there.

We've got the full of drugs method of abstinence from drugs. So you jam pack all your nostrils and I guess your stomach filled with sort of drugs that you take. Maybe even your veins. Like what you can, you know, you can, you can, you can, liquids can be at a saturation point of a certain solid, you know, in terms of, you know, their ability to absorb things. You can put so much salt into water that you can't put any more salt in. Who's to say you can't do the same thing with blood in heroin? Well, no one's to say that. Thank you. Maybe it'd be crazy to say that. Then we got smuggling in the knees, the nasal or sinus cavity.

I mean, I think that's just an idea. We don't, you know, even elaborate it on it, but I think- Well, it could be down at the Sniffed Dog Training Facility. Well, we don't like to tell anybody, it's like, these guys have a bit of a blind spot. Yeah, or, you know, and then you also get the drug guys kind of go and look, no one ever checks the nasal cavity. That's where you put your backs.

I feel like we might have had covered a little bit of this territory on the podcast once before. Yeah. I mean, I could picture like somebody just taking just taking you know individual capsules of You know that have drugs in them and just kind of slowly loading their nasal cavity up with them. Yeah, I think um you could Also construct a sort of prosthetic false bottom to your belly button like a false floor You know, you know in, box or something like that. Sure. Looks like that's the bottom of your belly

button, but some people have a really deep belly button. Oh yeah. And then they fill up all the back bit of it. Yeah, I guess if you just had something that was very potent and powerful, yeah, false bottom in your belly button. I mean, I feel like, you know, people, these people, they look in belly buttons every single day. You know, they're not going to be fooled, but they're going to go, they're going to spot a false bottom, a mile away. Well, now that all you know, you know, we're going to have a lot of very skilled people in the prosthetics business. You're not suggesting putting a fake ass in there, are you? I'm a fake butthole.

Put a fake butthole in your belly button. All right, we got nostril docking, obviously. We got smelling noses. This is all part of the nostril section of the episode. Then we've got the fifth base is putting both hands into the other person's mouth. We got drowning person is gargling. No, they're not. They'd be gurgling and then it turns out they are gargling. And then we have a pirates pirating piracy, which, which we've just written it down as the three words.

Transcribe word for word. I mean, when you're given something that's that good. Absolutely. I mean, sometimes I feel like I actively avoid going for the sketch idea that is there, but I mean, sometimes it's just nice just seeing what it's like when you elaborate on it. Yeah. That's right. That is right, isn't it?

That is right. Amastena, that's what we did. And it was nice. I had a good time. Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bl, bling, bling, bling, bling, bl, bling, bl, bl, bling, bl, bl, bl, bling, bl, bl, bl, bling, bl, bling, bl, bl, bl, bl, bl, bl, bl, bl, bl, bl, bl, bl, bl, bl, bl, bl, bl, bl, bl, bl, bl, bl, bl Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Thank you so much listen to anything don't go we appreciate it. Gosh we do we do gosh gosh darn it We appreciate it out the wazoo and then back in the wazoo. Yeah, and then out again It goes in the in the wazoo. It's only out the wazoo. Oh yeah, I had to put things in my wazoo. Yeah, okay. I got a false bottom in my wazoo. Thank you very much for listening.

You can find us on Twitter at two in tank. You can, I'm at Alistair TV. I'm at stupid old Andy. You can still get magma. Uh huh. My DSOSPresence.com. It's a great way to watch us do a show that we've written and performed live for many, many nights and refined

and cut out as many shit bits as we could. And we love that you would do that if you want. Yeah, you can also review us or support us on Patreon. It's been a few people supporting us on Patreon recently. Thank you ever so much. Oh my gosh. Yeah, it's gonna be a new sci-fi try guys this month. Yeah, we're gonna do sci-fi try guys this month.

And I think that's all we have to say for today. So thank you very much. And we love you. Thank you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. It's not optional. You have to do it. We used to go easy on it, but now you have to. Yeah. Yeah. to do it. We used to go easy on it, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time.

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