Two In The Think Tank - 253 - "VITAL HAND"

Episode Date: September 29, 2020

Watch/Listen to us on Podspotter on Youtube or iTunesAsunanus, Lara Croft Bin Raider, Finger Trim, Cliphole, Big Bact, Zorb Christ, Itchie Rich, White GoldGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereA tankload of thankloads to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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this podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from Ag Right Mites. Now I don't need to tell you this but our show magma is available at sospresents.com. Now you already know this, but if you feel like supporting these guys who in a few months will not have any work, sospresents.com and you'll find Magma in there. And it's a good show. It's an engineering presentation, but mostly it's just jokes. That's magma. Be we to, to be we've, to show where we come up with five sketch ideas. Five ideas. Andy.

And I'm Alistair, George William, Tony Merchall. It just occurred to me that during these long distance ones that we do, my attempt to time the five and the sketch ideas at the same time with yours is probably a real mess and I haven't been going back and listening to it.

Well, I mean, I don't have to go back and listen to the master because I can hear it as it happens in the hope that you'll be compensating for you know satellite delay. Sure, but you're hearing it extra late because of you're getting that double delay. That double delay, right? Because I have to say mine, you have to hear it and you have to respond and then I hear what you've said. But we're reporting separately and so it should only be a single delay between is that right? Is that what you're thinking? I think so. I think it should be

just a single delay. Do you think that you're? It's like that's the thing is that when when we record this thing you get the worst Experience of this whole thing now the users get the get the middle worst experience and I get it live Well, hang on you get you get your you get your part of it live I mean yeah, well to me that's the show maybe But it's it's it's good to know that the audience is actually getting a better experience than either of us, right? Yeah, that's true. Like because we both think this is terrible.

But we... Yeah, if you take into account our self-hatred, then they're getting away better experience. But that's assuming that they are not coming here to hate listening to this. God, it'll be great when we can somehow plug something into our hormonal endocrine system or whatever it is, and we'll be able to record the emotional experience of recording the show and lay that down as sort of a third track on the stereo export of the thing. And then your Apple headphones out of the little bit that has the volume control, there'll be a third little plug that comes out. You know, the two headphones earbuds will go up

and then there'll be a third one that you just sort of jam into a hole in your rib cage and you'll be able to fill it in your heart. You could plug it into one of those ones, the brain pig ones that Elon's building. Yes, and a pig could feel it for you. That way you don't need a pig. And you could feel how uncomfortable I feel during the 200th episode when Andy goes to the bathroom and I have to try to come up with an idea and I go and then I just go, maybe I don't

come up with any ideas. No, but you were there with, you had, you had Nick Mason with you, didn't you? No, I really, I really got, I really made Nick struggle then. All right, what is it? Upside down helicopter. Is that an idea? You realize that's not how we ever come up with any of the ideas on this show. Like it was, it always have a different kind of gap. It only happens once every 200 episodes for three minutes.

It's like the alignment of various planets when the winter solstice lines up exactly with American Independence Day. That's when you record an episode of the podcast. If you think that there's ever like one of those, you know, like one of those things that like ancient cultures did with it would like have build a building so that the light would line up in a particular way, on a particular day, things like that, but there's anything like that would like shining it through your mouth and out your anus. Does anything goes a date in which in a place you could stand where that would work? I mean, there could be a guy who just lies there, all, you know, all at all times with his mouth open and his butt open, I guess, as well. And just, yeah, on very rare occasions, you can look.

I mean, would he have to erect small mirrors in his digestive system to bounce the light around corners? Well, I think... Which I imagine there are several. No, I think what his theory is is that the body is a temple. Yes. And that there is somewhere. There is a time and a place and a direction. You got a face. Right. And you can figure it out. I guess that's just his assumption that it will work. So then he's going to just find the time. He's going to try all places and all times and all directions. And then he could figure it out. It sounds like it would work to me. I mean, it also sounds like the place probably

doesn't matter nearly as much as the time and the direction, right? Like, it feels like for any of the places that he would figure out over time. Yeah, and direction. And over direction. I mean, it feels like a spiritual thing, right? It feels like it's there, up there with like yoga. Like, because I think you would also probably have to contort your body a fair bit.

And maybe that's, is that the objective with yoga that they get themselves so flexible, because they're constantly saluting that, the sun and that sort of thing, contorting their bodies, is the idea to get yourself so flexible that you can turn your internal tract into a straight tube, and then you will be able to have the sun shine straight through and get that UV enema, that full, you know.

And well, I mean, I guess it makes sense, it feels like the kind of like spiritual thing that you would say that when you, you know, you're using yoga to learn how to bend, that really what you're trying to learn is how to straighten yourself. Oh my God, Elisdair, that's the most spiritual thing I've ever heard. Yeah, and, but what they mean is really literally is that those

like kilometer and a half of a intestine that you got. God, they're just trying to lengthen that out so that it just goes or just compress it into like a one of those kind of bits of here conditioning duct. into like one of those kind of bits of air conditioning duct. Yeah. So that is kind of rippled like that. So that it can just go straight from mouth to anus. You know, you line up your stomach so that both holes, both holes are like

in a perfect alignment from, you know, your top of your neck to your anus. And then you just basically look straight up at noon, mouth at gate, and the sun goes right down through you, like that. And then a little sort of beam shoots out onto the ground. And burns an ant. That's exactly what I was thinking. I mean, there's no reason it would be more focused. I wouldn't think unless you also place a little sort of lens in your, in your butthole.

You know, yeah. And why not? Why not at this point? Well, exactly at this point, at this point, you've got so far. Put a lens in your, in your mouth and a lens in your butthole and somebody looks through you and they can see the rings of satin. Yeah, I mean, Gagu Laios, human telescope. Well, I mean, that's yeah, it makes sense that that would be, I mean, you know, metal, metal sort of caging, you know, metal,

metal walls were so rare back in those days, you could only really, you know, the only thing long enough that you could figure was a human. I mean, look at it this way. The human body is... There are big any trees, you know? The human body is basically a tube, Alistair. That's what it is. And why should we go making new tubes when their man is a tube, man is not but a tube. And he just needs straightening out. And a tube. Well, I think amongst all of that, there's definitely a sketch idea. What would you say it's the body as a? Your body is a telescope. I view my neighbours. Yeah, I think so. Is there anything in, oh just when we were talking before about satellite delays? Elastair. Do you think that they train a newscaster school? They train their newsreaders to try and predict the end of the other person's sentence and then start speaking earlier to minimize

the delay? I mean, there's a chance that you will have an AutoCue with the other person's script on it. So there could be a chance that you are taught to know it read the AutoCue and know when the other person will cease reading and like recognize your own name on screen. And then jump in. And jump in when it seems like the right appropriate time. And not only much delay. Yeah. And then they have to do the same thing. And then do you end up with this kind of like cascading effect where, oh no, you don't. It would just be, it would just be a hell, it would just

be hell and you go insane and tear out your own eyeballs, which is a thing I'm terrified that I might do. Yeah, like you think that you, yeah, I don't think I'm ever afraid of that. I think I'm more afraid of it hooking on some barbed wire as I walk by, some high barbed wire. That's interesting because that's something that is actually much more likely to happen to me given my life choices and the way I go about things. And yet that doesn't necessarily mean I'm running near a high bar, sort of jumping over the fences of secured building. You know, the secure buildings?

Yeah, construction sites, you know, to steal old bits of wood out of a skip or something like that, or abandoned properties to sort of poke around and see what it's like. That kind of thing. A lot of abandoned properties. All of a sudden, I've been to a couple of abandoned properties

recently, Alistair, and I got to tell you, it was really good. It was really good. You're sort of like the Indiana Jones of useless crap. Yep. Lara Croft, bin, bin raider, bin chicken. That's great. That's good.

Yeah. Tossing is the first. So is there a strategy on this idea? bin, bin raider, bin chicken. That's great. That's good. Yeah, tossing the first. So is there a sketch I didn't this idea? No sketch in this idea, Alistair. I mean, this is just how many people live their lives, isn't it? This is just sort of dumpster diving.

Yeah, well, okay, let's, let's, I mean, this is not politically correct, Alistair, but let's just put it out there. Super sexy, super ripped, lyracraft type, hobo, okay, who uses the same kind of back flipping, diving, spinning sort of thing, but instead of, you know, priceless artifacts, artifacts, when the planets align in some old temple, it's just chips half-oating chips from a bin. Oh, like a cold barbecue chicken.

Cold barbecue chicken, yeah. There's still a bit of, you know, meat on the bone. They left. They left a rat. You know, yeah. Got to find a rat, you know, yeah Go to find a rat like a she has to fight a rat Oh, and yeah, and then find find a rat to To sort of make a little burrito or something there. There you go. Yeah I mean, that's cool. I Think that's definitely a sketch LSD. I'm not saying it's one that we would make. I mean, I don't know that I've got the body for it.

I'll be honest. But I do. So sexy. So I'm just writing Laura Croft's photo. Ben, Ben Sifter. You know? Ben Sifter. Yeah.

Bloody Ben Sifter mate. You know, actually actually recently my girlfriend he's just saying because I'm I'm experimenting with new looks obviously and my girlfriend said maybe you also have a girlfriend now. No, I don't have a girlfriend on the side. I have a girlfriend on the front and she's my wife as well. She's on my front. But she started referring to me as looking hobo cute. That's so nice. Yeah, that's when she refers to me as her little homeless person, which is not, you know, that's not a proverb, but they know, but you know, it's said in a sense that where nobody's going to hear it, and so obviously it's not insulting to anybody. The only way it would be insulting is if you were

to broadcast it said a thousand to people. Well, then it would cause a problem. God, God forbid, hell of a state that that ever occur. I mean, and also, you know, it's not true because you have a home. You're in, she's presumably saying it to you in your home, so you can't be hurt. Oh, well, I wouldn't be hurt by that. I don't think to being homeless is a bad thing. Good. You don't think it's a bad thing. I mean, I mean, you think it's good. You mean you think you know they make a lot of money actually begging they make like Thousands of dollars a day doing that to scare a lot of them have and here a part of your willfully interpreter degree What I mean is I don't think that it is a bad thing to be a homeless person

I understand that being homeless is that it is a bad thing to be a homeless person. I understand that being homeless is hard and not a good thing, but I don't think that you should, persons should feel bad because they're homeless, even though they feel bad because they're homeless. It's a tricky, I see what you're trying to do, Alistair, but in a way, like linguistically and what you're trying to do, Alistair, been in a way like linguistically and sociopolitically, it feels like you're trying to align your mouth with your butthole and allow the sun to shine through. You're spreading into it.

I think it's working, and I think I've burnt the ant of doubt. Yeah, okay, of ambiguity. I was mad at you. Yeah, because as I was saying, it's the situation that is bad, not what you are and there shouldn't be the judgment of it, that you shouldn't feel bad for, from judgment. That's right. Because the the body might be homeless, but the soul isn't because it has a home. That's right. The body lives in the body. That's right. This is actually something when I was talking to my son earlier while he was pooping. Oh yeah. He was asking about, he asked me what things, how do we die? And how does it happen? And he said, what parts die that would kill you? Like, you know, what parts of your body would stop working for you to die?

And I said, well, can you guess? And you kind of guessed the heart and the brain. Oh, you know, and I was like, those are good. Yeah, that's a really good one. See, there's a few others. There's vital organs. And then it started making me think, you know, I was like, well, but you know, what your hand can die.

Yeah. And that won't kill the rest of your body. Yeah. But I was thinking of the idea of non-vital organs. I mean, no, no, vital non-organs. So you know non-vital organs, but what about vital non-organs? So let's say there was a vital hand. Yeah. And you had to keep your hand alive or else you died. Well, I think you would do less sort of grinding of meat into sausage, out of fear that your hand would get caught in the meat grinder and then you would die.

Well allow me to ask you this question, Alistair. If your heart was exposed to the elements, do you think that you would use that heart to push meat into a grinder? And I think the answer is no. What I have the heart at the end of my sort of arm that I use to push things in with, or is it on would it be at the end of my chest? It's different, right? Which I was very rarely used for pushing meat into anything. Well, Alice, and why is that?

I mean, I think you've proven my point. Your face seems to me would be an equally valid thing to use to push meat into a grinder, right? It's just there. I do use my face, especially particularly my nose for touch screens. Really? Yeah, because of, you know, often holding onto a child or a baby or something like that. And they're both my hands are kind of taken up, but I have my screen there and I can just bring my nose down. And instead of doing a few, you know, simple moves, I can't type a whole sentence. No, but you can send a reply GIF or something like that.

GIF said a dick pick or something like that. That won't stop me. Not take a new dick pick, but I can definitely select one from the album. Yeah, I could probably use my chin to take a nose pick. I don't think you could. I think the chin is not useful to you for, um, for interacting with the touch green. I think it's too wide. You wouldn't get the accuracy.

Uh, no, I think just that bend area, but also it depends. The button, the button for triggering photos is pretty big. It's pretty big, but I've seen you in China. It's not that pointy, so I stand by my original statement. Okay, but I mean, I don't mind making a few mistakes along the way. That's true. You really want to send that nose pick.

So you've got a lot of wives waiting on the other end of that text line. While we're talking about our boys, do you think that you're good at taking compliment Salister? I think I'm gonna care it. Yeah, because I was in the shower this morning and Finn came into the bathroom. He looked at me and he said,

that's a big, big penis. I got one of those once when I was, when the kid was younger, and you go, uh, child, you're so innocent. Well, I mean, literally my first instinct was to say, no, it's not. But then I was like, no, I didn't. I said, I said, thank you, Fid. But the head of the head, I was like, no, I didn't. I said, I said, thank you, fit.

It was fit. In the back of this mind is like, people like it when you come with the same other people. Well, my see, I want to say, no, it's not. And then I was like, well, if I do my, my, my, my self-deprecating instinct kicked in and I wanted to downplay the compliment. And so I was going to say no. And then I thought, well, then what does that say in his head? That says to him that you shouldn't accept compliments or that your penis size is even

something that you have to consider correcting people on all, you know, that is up for judgment. And so instead I accepted the compliment, which I think does exactly the same thing in reverse, and you know, scars in for life in different ways. And I think you made the right choice. I was on the spot. I was on the spot. And I think you did good. You didn't add any kind of body negativity in there. You showed that you feel you would make it seem like you feel good about yourself. But I mean, he doesn't associate. He doesn't necessarily associate having a big penis with the societal pressures of feeling like you should. Indeed. And he didn't, he, what he was saying, he wasn't even like, wasn't in his mind,

something that could be interpreted as a compliment or otherwise. And so, see, that's why I'm worried that I've made it something in his mind that you can judge or accept somebody on the basis of. But you could, but look, listen, my kid just the other day, yesterday, I said, I thought you liked this pinham soup that I made.

And he said, I said that yesterday because I didn't want to make you feel bad. And so he already knows the societal pressures. So he's already ruined. He's already so way older than us. So you can see that there's a chance that your son through watching TV has picked up on societal pressures that to have big body parts is good. And so he may have already known it and he was trying to lift you up a little bit. He better thought you were you were seeming a bit down today. And then it'll come up in a couple of days time for some reason and he'll say, Dad, I didn't really think it was big. I just thought

you needed a bit of a lift today that day. And then the next thing you said was you are doing lots of wheeze and I was like I'm not not that's just the way the water flows over the body. Even if I had been doing that I would have I would have stopped when you came in. Because I know my kid like it on numerous occasions like if we go to the pool and then we have to go on the same cubicle and pee, it'll just be like, I'm going to watch this while your pee head, and he just needs to see it come out. Yeah, well that's just, you know, fluid dynamics, that's just, you know, we're all interested

in the universities that laminar flow. So the thing that you're trying to stop is for them to just it's not okay to pee in the shower is what you the lesson you're trying to teach him. I I don't I I don't even necessarily think that that's an important lesson. I just felt I needed to correct the record on this occasion. Sure. Yeah, it's okay.

I'm not even though I think that it's okay. I mean, I don't that. There's nothing wrong with it. A drain is a drain. Mm-hmm. But just understand that many people do find it on hygienic. Mate, any strains of drain, that's what I say. Any strain is a drain. That's no good.

Any drain, any drains of drain. There you go. That's, that's a good one. That one rhymes as well. You can use any. Any drains a drain. That's good. Yeah. So what do you think about vital hand? Yeah. Well, I don't know if it's quite there yet, Alistair. And I'd feel I realized that's a very Alistair thing to say. But like in what way? I mean, you could, you could have had your heart replaced with sort of one of those pumps that you use on a sort of a mid sized speedboat to pump the water, the fuel from the Jerry can into the outboard motor before the fuel pump kicks in, right?

But, and then, you know then you have that in your hand, so you've got to basically squeeze that. Something that's basically like what you would have as a stress relief ball, but now it's almost the opposite because it's plugged directly into your circulatory system and you need it to survive. Right, so but then how do you sleep? You know, this is why you need a loved one

so that they can stay awake and pump. If I told you, I talked about you while one of you sleeps. I've talked about that on stage. Really? You're heart pumps automatically, but imagine if it didn't and you would have to like consciously keep it, and you would forget, right?

But then that would make sense why we pair up. That would make like, like, almost more sense, because then you would stay up and, you know, maybe pump their heart for them or whatever I can't remember how I did. That doesn't make sense to me now, but maybe they would CPR you while you sleep. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha that we've done together. No, I really haven't. It's one of my greatest regrets. But I do, but I do run every single idea that I have by you. So there's a chance that it could have gone in that way. Okay, so look, there's that idea. But wait, so, so just a vital hand, you just couldn't have just like a no reason vital hand, I guess. You would have to have a reason. Well, I mean, this is almost like Samson and his hair, you know, feels like he had vital hair. That, um... Right, what would happen to him? So, is this the guy who he had seven locks?

I don't know how many locks he had. I just know that he was incredibly strong. Is he from the Bible? Yeah, and he's are biblical chap, and then he always had off and he lost all his mojo. I think that might be the basis for the Y rustifarians have big dreadlocks. Really? Has to do with Samson and his locks of hair. Really? Very interesting. So he had vital hair, but he died if you cut it or did he? I think he just became vulnerable and then he may have been killed as a result. I Yeah, I don't know. I don't know the details. It's like getting one of those diseases where disease doesn't kill you But it makes you vulnerable to like a cold or something Maybe one of those diseases one of those ones, you know those ones?

Yeah, I know, I know, I know what you're talking about. And there's no ideal. Vidal hand, vital hand, I want it to be something, LSD, Vidal finger, Vidal toe, Vidal toe nail. I guess what? What it would be like if we didn't have to trim, just because fingernails are all very well, they're just like a bit that just grows on the top of your finger.

What if it was your whole finger that grew? And you had to keep clipping it off. It would grow an extra segment, like a bit of bamboo, an extra knuckle on the end. And you have to get some seconders and then chop it off at the knuckle. I mean look Andy, it's instantly there in that sketchbook. And it's just a couple. Yeah.

Sitting and watching TV. Yeah, and what are the guys? And they're guys like, where's the, where's the, uh, Clippers? You know, the Clippers. And then he comes back and he's got these huge secretaires. Secretaires. Yeah.

And then he cuts any while she's watching something on TV. It's not necessarily reality TV show, but that's what's good to escape to at the moment. You know, so it's close to that and he's shouting every, every snip. Yeah. And then, and then when he's done, you know, he's a bloody mess. Yeah. And then when he's done, he's a bloody mess. Yeah. She says, oh, could you pass them to me? I need to do my own.

Yeah. You know? Beautiful. And yeah, I think of them. I mean, do you do it over a bin? Do you do it? Or do you just let them fall on the ground and then think you'll get them next time you vacuum?

Yeah, I do it into the sink. That's really interesting. I've never seen anybody else do that. Yeah, I do it into the sink. That's really interesting. I've never seen anybody else do that. Yeah, I know. I guess I don't feel like you see people do. It's one of the private things that you everyone has on. Yeah. Well, anybody that I've seen do it on the on public transport, they didn't bring a sink with them. I haven't seen many people do it on public transport. It's pretty out there thing to bring into the public domain. I think I've done it into a plastic bag as well. Yeah, I've seen you do that, I think.

Yeah, absolutely. But I've also just done it into the open living room, you know, when I'm back in the day. I don't chew my fingernails, but I do clip my fingernails over my open mouth. I I don't have to have a ceiling. Open my mouth wider than clip my fingernails into it. Let them fall down to the back of my throat. Swallow them whole and dry. The way that the vital hand, I think, can work. Right. And then I get that it's not super fun yet, but is that you could have, like, I know you

said some pump from a thing, but you know, have you ever heard of the idea of, like, somebody's heart being replaced by a motor? Um, the other moves. I think that might even have happened to some people, right? Like really? like somebody's heart being replaced by a motor. And so it moves. I think that might even have happened to some people, right? Like, for real, I think there might be people without official hearts. Yeah, right.

And they don't beat, but they just have a constant wor. They just were. There's time. And so they don't beat, yeah. And the idea that maybe for some reason, you couldn't put it in the chest, and you just put it inside their hand and the palm of their hand under the skin there. Oh yeah. And so then with tubes, you know,

going in and stuff like that. And so then suddenly they've got a vital hand. Oh man, I can't make this work. Maybe you make my heart go... ... ... I was not going to do it when you run. I guess you would have to increase. The right. ...

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Maybe the episode could still be called vital hand. I was okay, okay, it'll live on as the name of the episode vital hand. I did occur to me that the clipping your fingers, it does sound like a pruning sort of thing that you'd have to do at a certain time of year. So like in this universe, there'd almost been like a gardening Australia-type show, but it's entirely for managing the growth of your body. I guess this is a kind of a universe where animals grow more like trees, and the human body is a sort of an organism of variable form, like trees where it can be shaped and sculpted in that way, and it is done

through selective pruning and sort of wiring and making it grow into certain shapes that are considered desirable. So I guess this is alternative to diet and exercise. We don't have that system anymore. What we have is favorable sunlight, an effective use of a trellis. That's a trellis. A trellis. You strap yourself to a trellis at night with those little wire ties that you use when you're training a fruit tree.

So it's basically a bonsai. The bonsai body. The bonsai body. I mean, I guess if you could sort of, this idea that you could sort of just put yourself in a mold every night so that you could get the body shape that you want. Very interesting.

I'm sure there are people who have tried that. I think it might even be possible if you were prepared to have some sort of, you know, jelly crystal injection. No, if you had enough gelatin injected into your veins, possibly from fingernail clippings that you've been collecting in a bag. And then you, yeah, you had them in the back.

The bag that you hold with your vital hand. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How would life be different if your hands were vital, you know? Ah. Yeah, how would life be different if your hands were vital, you know, ah? Because like suddenly suddenly you're chopping your chopping vegetables

Right and then you cut your hand a little bit And this hand is vital So you rush to the hospital straight to the hospital because you go and you have an a hand attack Basically And do you do drive yourself to the hospital and I think you You need a like I think you could die You might be dying. No, I've got an infection and something vital. Oh You've got an infection as well Maybe yeah, maybe you're cutting bacteria. For dinner. Oh, one of those huge, a huge single-celled organism

that you're just carving up on the egg single-cell. It is, yeah, like an ostrich egg that's one cell I still haven't got my head around that exactly how that works But I think I think that's true Feels like it would be made up of lots of cells, doesn't it? Yeah, but I guess I guess it can't be because can't be because that would interfere with the growth of the organism which has to germinate from a single cell. That's just how... That first split would be great to watch. But I mean, imagine if you could get an E. coli, you know, like a fist-sized E. coli bacteria that

you could just eat it. And you could eat it. You could just fry it like an egg. I think that, and also I don't think that would be bad for you in any way, like it could be a really toxic bacteria, but once it's in that size, if you, you know, you chop it, kill it, crack it, whatever it is that you do, it's not going to hurt you because it doesn't have any functional units that are smaller than itself. Yeah, what's, um, you know, we can get jumbo, jumbo bacteria like salmonella, right?

Yeah, bad and some of those great but one salmonella one you know meal-sized salmonella could be the way forward could be the way forward I can imagine a vending machine you know where you just want something fresh you feel bad bad about bad about eating, you know, whatever. You go there and it's just tubes full of bacterium, enormous bacterium, and they flop out squishy onto a... Megabacteria. I feel like, you know, I feel like it's a direction we could go because what, you know, what

are we going to eat when, you know, the plants can no longer be pollinated and cows are all dead and all the tofu trees have died. Just shrilled up. Then basically we're just going to. We need something that we can grow in vats. We've made everything else grow way bigger than it was ever supposed to. Surely we can do this. Yeah, and so, because I mean, you could picture that maybe their textures would actually

be pretty good. I absolutely am. Yeah. Like quite a jelly-like kind of thing. But I think also, you know, you cook them and they would they would go hard like an egg. It's sounding really good to me. Yeah. Now, and you can already see the news report. Now, now you might think that going to a restaurant and being served Salmonella would be a bad thing. Yeah, but what rest is this new play is hoping to change all that. Yeah, well Salmonella gets, it's been quite hard getting it past the health inspector, but explaining that we're only cooking one salmonella per dish, and that it's not breeding in your body and causing diarrhea.

Yeah, it's been hard to get across. We did have one period where we were shut down by the health department, but that was because some E. coli had got onto the salmonella. Yes, yes. But that happened at the packing plant and it was little little E. coli regular size. Anyway. regular saws. Hey, anyway. Now, is there a way in which we can take this to the next level where somebody makes some giant like E. Coliars or Salmonella, their boyfriend or girlfriend? Because they keep growing it even bigger. Yes. Right. They keep growing it even bigger. And then Right. They keep growing it even bigger.

And then somebody kind of starts to like it and say that they have humanity or they have got, you know, personalities, things like that. And then they want to have a sexual relationship with it. Right? Oh, yeah. And of course, that's going to happen. And I guess their friends would be worried about this? I guess so.

Because you know, you're like, well, he's not actually interested in you. Like, you know, in reality, it's just a giant bacterium that wants to feast on your living flesh. The only reason it can't is because it's too big to get, you know, into your circulatory system or whatever it is. That's right. Yeah. And then, but then he's like, well, I was listening to what you had to say, but then it split and offered me twins. It's beautiful. Yeah. It's sort of like a twilight movie, but Edward is an enormous bacteria. Yeah, but then I think maybe they grow them even bigger. I mean, I haven't seen twilight at all. No, I mean, either. No. But he was a vampire. Who you traditionally think of as wanting to prey on humans, but then he's given sort

of a sympathetic, well they won't they kind of love story with Bella? I don't know, haven't seen it. I did, I did. Bella, I did. Cook and girlfriend. And I think I think you could keep making them even bigger. And then suddenly you could have one say as a raft. And you could have one that maybe you could live inside of. You know bacteria have have ways of evolving that allow parallel evolution, or maybe it's a parallel evolution, but where you can grab genes from other creatures, other bacterium, and take some of their little fancy tricks. Some of them are in an advantage. Some of them will be disadvantaged because they might just add

weight to you and then you move a bit too slowly. But what about this idea where they can just get a whole human inside them? What kind of function would that add to their existence? Well, you know, what if a person was in there running? Yes. Running and the sort of the outer skin of the bacteria kind of flopped around them like that. And you kind of used them like a hamster ball. Like a Zorb.

Yeah. Basically, I don't think you can run inside those Zorbs. Can't run in a Zorb. No, I think it's mostly just for being rolled downhill. I think you can walk around in a Zorb. And if you can walk, you can run. I'm gonna look up Zorbs. Okay. I looked up artificial up Zorbs. Okay.

I looked up artificial hearts before. They're definitely a thing that exists. Okay, that's cool. I don't know if anyone has them in their hand though. A vital hand. No, these people look like they're just rolling around. Oh no, this person's running. Yeah?

Yep. You can run in as a... I didn't know there was that much space in there. No, sorry. Yeah, they're big. They're not like... It's definitely... I know.

I thought you had to, like, it couldn't be that big so that you couldn't flop around so much and get that much, like, speed inside there, like, you know, like, as you're being banged against each wall. Well, I think they just deliberately don't put you in a scenario where you're gonna roll out of control. I think they roll you down mountains. All right, Alistair. Like what I mean, like, No, this is it.

This is a good disagreement that's gonna end the podcast. You call me to being a big sphere. I've got to allow you to walk on water. I think it will be. Oh yeah, Jesus. That's really cool. It was a. It was a technicality.

Yeah. Yeah, Jesus was in a zorb. I wonder if that can be used to explain any of his other Miracles, I mean, you know the the turning over the tables of the money lenders in the temple You know, maybe it's just out of control. Well, it's actually really difficult not to knock over tables It shouldn't be a temperate as a political statement in any way. Yeah, he actually knocked over his mom's temple as well when he was visiting her. Yeah, the church of the Zorb Christ, Alistair, is a very valid sketch, I think. And, you know, is he ever depicted as sort of being in a glowing ball of light?

Probably, seeds like something Christ would do. And maybe that's why he resisted the temptations of the devil. The devil tempting him because he couldn't actually give in because he was inside a door. Yeah. And so whatever he was offering him, he goes, oh, the entrance way, I don't know how to use that. Yeah. Just why I'm always in this door. I could just peer at the hole. The little hole.

You don't think that Satan could have offered him any any temptations through the whole? It's pretty limited isn't it? Ones that kind of ruined his sort of godly credibility But he would have had a lot of help by the way I said I was around in a big ball a piece through a hole Well, you got to understand at the time that they had synthesized those sort of hydrocarbon based materials. And so this was actually indistinguishable from magic. Yeah. And that would, I think that would have had a lot to his mystique. You know,

you don't see him on that clearly through the haze and whenever he leaves he just leaves a mysterious golden trial He's constantly you're an addict. Yeah, and that would explain why you had a big beard long hair just You know, you just he was probably a backpacker and He couldn't get out of the zorb and so you couldn't shave or cut his hair But how he kept that robe white, I do not know. Magic.

Very strategic pooping and peeing through that hole. Really, his greatest miracle was how he peed and pooped through that hole without getting any inside the zorb. I'm looking forward to when we discover this relevant testament in the Dead Sea Scrolls and some other seas Scrolls. Um, I think he's going to look again. One, two, three, four, five, six, lean at six. So I guess, I guess Andy, we could go to this next section of the pod which I don't know if you've heard about this but we we get three words from a listener right now the only listeners that can send us three words are ones who've joined our Patreon for the $3 thing and

this time and I'm gonna this time this listener is a Yanic Rausch. Yeah, this time, this listener is a Yannick Rosh. Yannick. Or Yannick Rosh. But I'm gonna just guess Rosh. Yannick. Yannick. Yannick. One of the most, you know, amazing names we have on the show. Just a great name.

Absolutely. I went to school, to primary school with some Yannicks, but that was a French thing. Yannick. Yann note. Absolutely. I went to school to primary school with some Yenix, but that was a French thing. Yenik. Yenik. There you go. Now, Andy, do you want to try to guess what one of the words is? Cleptomania?

No, Andy. No. It's dead drop. OK. Lungs. lungs. You want to what? L Great word, Danic. I mean, this, this, this, what this, what this suggest to be immediately is a kind of economy where you're born with all the diseases, right? So you come into the world with all the diseases. And instead of paying for things with money, it's an economy where we exchange the cure for various diseases or we cure people of diseases.

You know what I'm saying? So you wouldn't earn $50, but you can get one tier three disease removed from your body. And maybe we all live in a cesspit. Yes, we are born into a cesspit, and you're instantly dunked in all the plagues of the world. And then somehow you continue to live,

none of them are fatal, that's the key. None of them are fatal. But they're all debilitating. Well, it's all, I mean, maybe they are all of the level of Dandruff, they're all more sort of a malaise, you know? And they provide the body. It's not that far from, you know, from regular society where, you know, the more, the more upper echelons you grow, the more likely it is that you can just be easily beautiful with

nice skin and have you know an easy life where you're not as itchy. I mean when you think of the rich do you ever picture a rich person being itchy? Itchy Richie is not a thing I don't think I've ever pictured Elon scratching himself. Itchy Rich, that show, that movie. I mean, is there a reality show that is... Oh, itchy. You know, the rich. It's true.

It's sort of like I'm a celebrity get me out of here. But we just... We just... Vidal head. Get in celebrities. And we don't put them in a jungle or anything like that. We just make them really itchy. It's called them really itchy.

It's called itchy, itchy. No, okay, we don't put them in the jungle to put them through discomfort. We just give them irritating diseases, right? We do them, some sort of like inflamed pimple and Yeah, you know some sort of scratching lice pubic lice and you know these kinds of things I mean it's like that that thing that they made for the Australian Amazon the lol a laugh out loud. But it's 10 celebrities going to a house for 12 hours.

And we made the first one to scratch. Itch, you can be not allowed to scratch yourself. And it's called itch to be rich. Yeah, or itchy, itchy. Yeah, itchy, itchy. Okay, sure itchy, rich. And we get McColle and Colton to host it. It seems like the sort of thing that he would do. And it'd be great for him to sort of revisit his, what is it?

His rich, rich, rich, rich, rich. him to sort of revisit his writ. What is it? His richy rich, richy rich character. Do you think he'd be doing the thing as richy rich? Yeah, I think he would. And we call it richy itch. It's the richy itch. I mean, itchy rich, richy itch. Yeah, either of the works. And he rich. I mean, itchy rich, richy-itch. Yeah, either of the works. Yeah. And itchy rich.

He's used his richy-rich millions, all the money that his family had to set up this macabre social experiment. And I guess there's money that goes to maybe charity. At the end, or maybe the last person to scratch is just allowed to leave with their life. I don't think if it went towards like if it went towards like you know research for psoriasis or lovely. Like a skin condition of the celebrities. like a skin condition of the celebrities' choices. You know?

We're not doing any permanent itchiness to them. Not at all. We know. We're just tickling them. There's lots of tickly stuff in there. There's mosquitoes. Oh, God. There are plays.

Oh God. They're off plays. Please, you know, I mean, we will sort of, they close, like, kind of like just that scratchy, a little bit scratchy. Yeah. They're sort of sacks. Yeah, Hessian. Yeah. But minimum, like, you know, they're sleeveless.

Sure. Two sort of like leave more like the mischievous with the mischievous short You know like their shorts, but it's like a one piece suit. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh Picture it I'm picturing this the hash it all over your body the the figure hugging hash in One Z the the figure hugging hash and one Z. This is a really really really good idea. All their hair is really frizzed up and sometimes they have to go into really small areas so their hair is like tickling. Get off me!

hair is like tickling, something like a gulp me with your hair. Ah, ah, ah. Ah, you're driving me crazy. And maybe just hair, like hair from like hairdressers is just a whole thing. Oh, this hair line around. Oh, this hair line around. Oh, this hair line around. They all have to get haircuts.

They all get haircuts. They have to give each other haircuts. I have scratched myself so much during this conversation, but At the this soundtrack this soundtrack like constantly at At all times there's just a little voice going That's the thing is a talking about itchiness makes you Yeah Oh, that's goodchiness makes it easy. Yeah. Oh, that's good. That's a good show.

Yeah. I do think, I mean, it's economy. I mean, this, there was just, it was just make me think, I mean, if I was just going, the literal translation of the words, if you did have a dandruff-based economy, right? Yeah. There's this kind of this idea that if, um,

because you keep adding, everybody's producing the money, which is dandruff. Yeah. So you were to buy inflation? Well, I think there would be unbelievable inflation. And so then to think that like, suddenly it's, you wouldn't be able to survive just off the dandruff that you produced yourself next.

Pretty soon your dandruff is worth nothing. You're like, oh no. But then you would have to sort of like start farming skin, either from yourself by sort of shaving off more or by getting animals and getting making their skin dry. And I guess like a sort of, you know, a hairy animal, that's a, they're kind of more productive because their whole body is kind of is ahead is a hairy head. Yep.

You know, and so you can get more dandruff from them. Is any other part of the body create dandruff? It's just the head right It's you know to to my understanding yes, I mean maybe you could cultivate it in other areas of the body if you If you treated it wrongly in the right ways Like people with super hairy arms do they get arm dandruff? Or is it just because... Oh, I think sometimes I have like sort of flaky skin in my eyebrows. I don't know if that's anything.

No, yeah. And I think I've seen some flaky skin in people's beards and mustaches. Yeah, it's a bit yuck, isn't it? But that's probably just a natural dead skin that was going to fall off anyway and then it's just become trapped. No, not enjoying this at all. Is there a sketch idea in this? You think we should just, you know, little little little baggies of white powder that turns out to be dandruff. That's all I got. so a lot of God. Like it takes a lot of Columbia. I think you could teach people about the economy by through the, through the prism of dandruff. Okay. Like what if suddenly dandruff became the most valuable thing for some reason?

And then everybody, it's like we all struck gold Mm-hmm, but then the more Dan Drift the people collect the less The lower the price for it goes what gold Yeah, I mean I think is a pretty limited lesson you could teach about the economy right it's hyperinflation That's about it I think is a pretty limited lesson you could teach about the economy, right? It's hyperinflation. That's about it. But that could be a lesson. Maybe that's not your turn.

Okay. Andrews, I think, I think there's a lot in there. I think even a hyperinflation teaches you a lot of ideas about the economy based the cold rush and inflation. Great. Well, Andy, I guess I'm going to take us through the sketch ideas. OK. Assuming you're still there. I'm here.

Well, we've got the body is a temple and the let the light shine in yoga. The point of yoga is to get that light alignment. So it can pass through you something like that. I don't know. Then we got Lara Croft Hobo. Where she, this is you may understand this one better than I do. But it's Lara Croft, but it's still inexpensive things from tombs. She's stealing worse than the stuff from Benzell. It's not like complicated.

Yeah, great. Yeah, yeah. That's good, that's good. And then this finger is trimmed like fingernails. So it's like the guy is like, hey, like I'm on like five knuckles per finger now. I got to cut my fingers. I've really let you think I've got Yeah, I've been letting these go. It's like and now people at work are looking at me weird, so And then so yeah, this that and there's the fingernail Clipping straight into your mouth that's somebody who's

Who maybe used to have a nail chewing problem. I can't believe he wrote that down. Well, I think it is a funny idea. Yeah, okay, thank you. Yeah, I've stopped chewing my knees, which is a gross habit, and so now I've just started clipping my finger nails straight into my mouth. Great. And we've got mega-bacterium. First they're at a restaurant, but then they've kept growing them, and they eventually become girlfriends, and then possibly vehicles, and then maybe places of residence, or maybe just a new evolution of man.

An E. coli is big as a cauliflower. An E. Coli as big as a cauliflower. An E. Coli flower, if you will. Brock Coli. Brock Coli. I call. I call. Would you call bacterium, you know, like, you know, they say man and beast. Would you say a bacterium is a beast? Yeah.

I would. These ones I would. Yeah. And then we got Jesus was in a Zorb which explains a lot of things, his miracles. I think. Mostly the walking on water. Mostly the walking on water. We'll work on some other tables. We're generally talking over the tables is ever really put down as one of the major miracles, but

To me though to me it's it it's quite something. I mean what what kind of tables are they we don't know Do you think you might be a picture of car tables, but they could have been really big tables. Yeah, really heavy And he was he was picked up quite a bit of speed going downhill. And then something like that. Oh yeah, imagine you could cure a lapper. It turns out that it was actually just like a spinal thing. And he was in a rolled over him. Yeah.

And I just kind of just like, oh, that's got the spot. He wasn't a leper. He just had a spinal thing. It wasn't his fingers and toes had fallen off. It was, it was a spinal thing. I know. Turns out it was the spine was cutting off the blood. It was a compressed disc.

It was cutting off the blood to his hands. And as soon as that was finished, they grew back straight away. They all grew back. He actually activated that gene, that sort of salamander gene that we have in our liver that allows it to regenerate, but he activated in his hands. Then we got it's a rich reality show. Such a good idea, which is a great idea. I think, you know, it took us a lot of the episode to really warm up, I think. And then the dandruff-based gold rush and the associated lessons thereof. The associated lessons, yeah.

The learnings. So, B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O-B-O- I'm so much. I've been Andy. He's been Alistair. You can follow us on Twitter. I'm at stupid Atlantic. And I'm at Alistair TV and we're at two in tank. You can follow us on Instagram at two and tank you can follow me at a Trombley virtual Instagram you can join our Patreon it really helps and it's very kind and there's so much content on there now and you can also review us if you like and you can write Andy a letter. Yeah. We were on the PodSpotter podcast recently. I'll try and remember to put a link to that down below. They interviewed people about their podcasts and we talked about ours.

And I think it was funny. Yeah, I think it was really fun and fun. So thank you very much for listening. And we love you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. It's not optional, you have to do it. We used to go easy on it, but now you have to.

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