Two In The Think Tank - 257 - "GRANDADS SUIT"

Episode Date: October 29, 2020

Sketches to comeGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereNon perishable thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Yeah. All right. The whole reason we started this whole thing was to get out of the way of you getting that show if that's what you want. If that's what you want. But, you know, yeah, whatever whatever leave us out of it that's always saying i'm a dish and i am deep i'm a dish you cannot keep i'm a dish I'm flying far through the air I think that you know how China, right?

You have good China. Yeah. You have your regular plates, bowls, that kind of thing. Everybody, the family can just smash the crap out of. But then if you're a man like me or Al, then you have special china for special occasions. You know how every man has that nice little glass cupboard in the corner? It's just a thing that men have. They have that nice little glass cupboard in the corner and in there, they keep all their fine bone china.

That is just for when the boys come around. just their finest shot glasses yes fine bone shot glasses with the little handle on the side and a little saucer they're so they're so protective of, and they don't want the kids messing with the fine bone china shot glasses. What are you waiting for? For when the queen comes over for shots? I think for every... Sorry, I was ignoring your great offer there, Alistair. That's great. It's okay.

The vicar's coming round for shots. This is alternative history where tea is replaced with shots. And, you know, somebody gets some bad news. You might want to get a couple of shots. Sit down, get a nice cup of shots. I feel like if somebody does, you'd probably do want some shots. Yeah, probably. All right.

But the way this is done, it's funny, Al. This is done humorously. And other similar scenarios. When little kids are growing up, they would get their kids around the table. Yes. All the dollies are doing shots. Yeah.

We're having a shot party. A shot party. Yeah. Oh, come on, Teddy. Drink your shot and then spin the roulette on your gun. This is actually just awful. But potentially a sketch, Alistair. What do you say?

All right. It's universe where tea is shots. Perfect. Okay, now here was where I was actually going with that idea, which was going to be, what if instead of just fine bone china for special tea when people come around, you have a special fine bone china, you have a version of everything in your house that is made from fine bone china. You have a fine bone china toilet for the guests to shit into.

toilet for the guests to shit into. Right? But that's too obvious because that's already like a porcelain ceramic receptacle. I wouldn't be surprised if porcelain is already made from bone. Exactly. I don't know if fine bone china is made from bone, but do you think it is? I don't know. There's bone in bone china?

I mean, it seems like there could be. They've dropped a clue in the name. By putting the word bone in there, they're at least encouraging us to ask the question. That's true. It's a little bit of mystery. Well, porcelain and bone and cast material. They're connected. It all seems very connected in its sort of white graininess.

It's all very bone-ular. It's all on the bone spectrum. Now, but what else could you have made of fine bone china? Condoms. Condoms. Great. A fine bone condom. For a very fine bone. Sorry.

And your condom even has that little handle on the side. To have sex with the vicar when the vicar comes around. Fine boner China. No, I don't know that there's any point going on to all my now inevitably less funny examples. Of six with the vicar when he comes around. Is that your dad sort of saying that, I guess, in the sketch? I guess so, yeah.

It could be a woman. Could be your mum or your grandma. It could be like woman Could be your mum Or your grandma Like your mum or your grandma pegs them No, I mean The vicar could wear it Oh yeah, I suppose I mean, but why would I rule this out?

Why am I squeamish about the vicar getting pegged in this? Yeah, exactly. As we know, the morals are different in this universe. Exactly. It's a very different moral universe. But it's also just kept in a cabinet just off of the kitchen or whatever, or off the dining room.

And you can't put it in the dishwasher. You have to wash it by hand. You know, fine bone cricket bat for when you're playing cricket, when the vicar comes around. See, you were wrong in thinking that this was going to be a less funny example. See, we're all laughing. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Anyway, so those are two different ideas, Alistair.

Yeah. Did you get that? So you've got shot universe, shot universe, and then this other one. I remember, Andy. I've got a bloody pen and paper. Oh, mate. You've got it down there in indelible. I just have to reference the notes here.

You see, you don't have to tell me. No, allow me to refer to my notes, Your Honour. Would it bother you if I were to bring up my Instagram story? What if police, instead of filing reports, they filed Instagram stories? Is the judge allowed to stop you from looking at your notes? I think that's a... I've seen in courtroom dramas, I've seen in courtroom dramas the police officers say they're going to refer to their notes or possibly, you know, if you're giving a witness testimony, I think it's considered good form to give the judge a little heads up before you read from your notes. Because he sort of enjoys good public speaking.

He likes good public speaking. He likes you to be able to do it all off the top of your head, but if you've got to have your notes there to remind you of some of the bits you were going to do, some of the events, then you just let him know. A lot of these judges seem like real sticks in the mud. Have you watched the trial of the Chicago

Seven, Alistair? The what? No, I haven't seen that. No, he's got to be one of the muddiest sticks. Mate, I'd say stick in the mud, he's more like a mud in a stick. the mud? He's more like a mud in a stick.

No, that doesn't work. Sort of somebody's hollowed out a stick and just packed some mud in there. Packed it full of mud. Yeah. Suppose that would have the opposite meaning. It seems like something a wasp would do. Don't you think? Sure.

I guess if a stick is sort of like an empty trunk, maybe. Yeah. You're right. If you're a mutt in a stick, that is the opposite, and you're actually a very loosey goose. Yeah, you're kind of. Yeah, he's really annoying, this judge. Man, you come out really not liking this judge.

I know it's wrong to judge, but I really judge that judge. Yeah, I mean, I think it's hard to not... Do you think maybe he was really hard on him because it was a sort of Sacha Baron Cohen in a non-funny role? Yes, I think he couldn't stop that sort of natural uncomfortability that we all feel when we see a um uh a comedian um decide that they want to be taken seriously ask us to take them seriously and he one of the things that i thought was surprising that the judge kept saying in this movie was um do borat do the borat voice

say my wife and but did he do like did he have any line that he said that kind of like verged on Ali G or a bit of Bruno or something like that well I haven't seen much Bruno so it could have all been just straight Bruno as far as I'm concerned

I don't really know I wonder what all of Sacha Baron Bruno as far as I'm concerned. I don't really know. I wonder what all of Sacha Baron Sacha Baron Cohen he should change his name to Sacha Baron Character. No! Because

he does a lot of those. And but I wonder what they would all sound like if they were all put together to make one character right yeah i think it would go a little something like this mob gay So. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. That's good to know. Now, how can you do this as a character on stage Alistair? What is this character? He's the guy who summarises everybody else's characters That's good, he does a kind of a condensed thing What he is, you know the man of a thousand voices? Well this is the man of the statistical average of a thousand voices.

He could be the man of one voice. The man of one voice. Great. But does the voice in some way encapsulate all other voices? Yeah. Yeah, that's what it does. Great. Because he comes on and he does a voice

that encapsulates all the voices i think you you could uh just in your regular comedy refer to yourself as the man of one voice i know but then people would interpret that in some meaningful way as if I'm summarizing I'm the voice of the people in that I don't know I've united everyone don't give me any importance

I don't think anybody's accidentally going to give me any importance anyway so I don't need to say that out loud now it feels like by denying your importance you're probably trying to say something about how important you actually are. How about this? I'm sure Jesus denied his importance. No, I don't know if he did.

I think he probably thought he was... I think he was sort of leaving some clues. I mean, nobody just says to somebody else, maybe you're related to a god. I think he started going on about that a bit. Yeah, he must have mentioned it at some point. Because you really would only believe somebody if somebody else figured it out.

Like, if others could tell, that feels like that's when it's genuine. But anybody who suggests, goes, yeah, I'm related to God, then you go, no, that means you're not. Yeah, it's like when somebody tries to get their own nickname going, right? So I think if Jesus wanted people to start saying he was the son of God, he would have had to try and manipulate the situation in a George

Costanza kind of way to try and just get them to spontaneously give him that nickname. Yeah, exactly. You can't come off as needy. You can't come into the office one day and say, hey guys, I just thought it would be cool if people started calling me the son of God. Say, hey, guys, I just thought it would be cool if people started calling me the son of God. Yeah, and it's a little bit like me coming home from work today and feeling a little bit not great in my body. And then trying to ask leading questions of my wife, Indiana, to see if she'll say, let's get a beer. Go, how are you feeling? What do you feel like doing tonight?

Yep. Yep. Great. And you leave just like a little beer shaped. Yeah. It's like one of those tests that you would have as a kid where, you know, it's a sentence and there's just one word, just blank. Right? Hey, honey, I'm not feeling great maybe we should get a blank

and see if it's if it goes down real good exactly yeah it's like oh something to ease the pressure what would that maybe we could do some exercise no that doesn't feel right right now because we're just having to put the kids to bed. What's another thing that eases tension? Can't think right now. My brain is so cloudy, like a hazy kind of amber color. My brain is so sober. I can't think straight.

It's like it's parched of thought. And good vibes. But Alistair, is there a sketch in Jesus trying to get people to start calling him the son of God? Yeah, I think that's a sketch yeah because yeah i think um they would you know if he if he comes on too strong i think it's funny to see the mocking nicknames that people would give him right and then they you know and then like you know a few months down the track, everyone's like, hey, remember when you wanted us to start calling you the son of God and they're all ribbing him about it? Yeah, that's good.

And also, there'd be times where he would do a miracle, but nobody would really react because no one would really realize it's a miracle. And then he would have to kind of be like, like pointed out or go, oh man, what happened to that guy's eyes? They look so good now. Yeah. Turn the water into wine. You know,

you got to really make sure that everybody's watching. So they don't just think that you've gone and gotten some wine. Yeah. Cause he goes, whoa, was this, wasn't this water before? They go,

I don't know. There's, there's another guy in the disciples who's the really funny guy, right? And he keeps distracting people at just the moment that Jesus does the miracle. And that guy was Judas. So there you go. Judas Carey.

Judas Carey. Judas Carey. Right. So this is, he bends over and... Speaks out his butt. And sells out Jesus to the Romans out of his butt. That's Judas Carey. He's so funny. That's Judas too.

Excuse me, Romans! Almighty, then. Almighty, then. Why didn't they call Bruce Almighty, Almighty, then? Or why didn't he, at least at some point in the film, say Almighty, then? Or say, if he'd changed his his name because there's no reason why he needs to be bruce he could have been right he could have been called yen or even then i mean them then then t-h-e-N? Then. Yeah, then.

Then he'd be almighty then. Almighty then. I know, but then isn't really a name. Not like what was the thing that you said? Yen. Yen. Is that a name? I think so.

It's a currency. No, not spelled like that. J-E-N. Oh, very good. Yeah, that's definitely a word. I mean, people might think it's Jen, but... Yeah, but... Well, still, if they look at it and they go,

Almighty Jen. I guess that works as well. Maybe even better. Because it's not that funny. Almighty Jen. Was Jennifer Aniston in that? Jennifer Acton. Jennifer Aniston.

Was she in that movie? I think she was. Wait. Yeah. I think she might have been another reporter, maybe. Or was she the wife? Wife I remember because he made her boobs bigger

That was one of the Things he did with God's powers Yeah And that thing That cover photo with him Sort of looking into the camera With a yo-yo But it's the world

What do you think of that Al? No I don't think so that are looking into the camera with a yo-yo, but it's the world. What do you think of that, Al? No, that's not good. No? No, I don't think so. I think they could have picked something else. I remember enjoying that movie. Oh, I enjoyed the movie. I don't know how I feel about it now.

I mean, you owned it on DVD, Alistair. Yeah, I used to own a bunch of things on DVD. Do you think that... I might still own it I'll just it doesn't matter do you think that you used to think of

the other guy who's in there who plays God did you think of him as God before Morgan Freeman did you think of him as God before that movie

what do you think was that movie because it's weird that that that movie would make so many people think of him as God when it doesn't feel like it was that big a movie. What do you mean? I think it was a pretty big movie.

Yeah? Okay. It spawned a sequel in Evan Almighty. Evan Almighty. Yeah. It was weird to not know who Steve Carell was in that first one. It was really weird. Was that even pre-Anchorman? Yeah Wow

It was just kind of like this funny guy Yeah Who was kind of playing a relatively straight character Who then did that weird thing And you go, oh that guy was good at that Yeah I think he's got a super normal face, right? Steve Carell.

Like one of the most normal, unnoticeable faces. Yeah, I guess so. But because we've seen his face contorted into various things, I think now it's hard to see him again in the way that we used to see him as just normal. Do you think that's one of the things you would do if you could go back to an earlier time in your life? See Steve Carell through younger eyes? Through virgin eyes.

Yeah. Yeah, I'd like to see Steve Carell for the first time and see whether or not I think he looks normal. Is it wrong to want to have the eyes of a child implanted into my own head to watch his early childhood? I can't see a single way in which that would be wrong. Okay, great. What if I told you that I don't want them implanted where my eyes are?

I want them somewhere else. I don't want them implanted where my eyes are. I want them somewhere else. I think there's only like one or two places where you could say you want them where it wouldn't be inappropriate. Yeah, okay. I mean, I think you could maybe have them in... I'm still hopeful that... You could maybe have them in your ears and then just have long hair. You know, just have slightly longer hair

that hangs down over the years so that you can't see them yeah but that hair i imagine would be brushing against your eyeballs your new eyeballs a lot of the time your child's eyeballs and i think that would probably be really unpleasant might make the whole thing not worth it. Okay, well then I guess you could just look at it with old people eyeballs. Now, Alistair, I'm sorry to push for this. And don't interpret this as me thinking that there is anything in this. But is Almighty then, any way a sketch? I don't think so. Is there any way in which we could turn?

Now, not currently, not now, obviously, right? But if we'd come up with this closer to the time when it was topical. When the movie was being named. When the movie was being named. When the movie was being made. Maybe say a few days before. Released. Or, you know, could we have done some kind of a sketch then? I'm not saying now, but would it have been at the time a sketch, you know,

to maybe on Saturday Night Live? Maybe with some of the characters. Maybe we could even get Jim Carrey, right? And he's in the offices of this film studio and they're trying to get him to call it Almighty Then. I mean, we could call a documentary about his early years in film, Almighty Then, maybe?

Yeah, you're right. It's not a sketch idea, is it? It's a great documentary title. It's such a great documentary title. The first half of his career. Yeah, Almighty Then. Great. As long as we're on the same page yeah i mean it might even just be the

name of one of the chapters from that's fine within the documentary that's perfect that's that's even better and it kind of makes it refer to in the past he was very you know he was the highest paid actor and he did two movies. One was Ace Ventura and the other one was Bruce Almighty. Great. Great. That's all I needed, really. What do you think a good character for Jim Carrey would be that he hasn't done yet?

Hmm. You know? Politician? That's a bit boring. Yeah, because he's been a lawyer. He's been a lawyer. He's been a lawyer and he's been God and that's a bit like a politician as well, probably. He's sort of played a guy who doesn't know he's an actor,

so we can't pick that. Has he been a zookeeper? You think he would be a good zookeeper? It's hard to make a good movie with a zookeeper. I mean, Ace Ventura, he was kind of like, he was very animal-based, and he had all those animals living in his apartment. That's true, yeah.

He was a pet detective, though. But, you know, I guess you're right. It's a bit like being a zookeeper. Yeah, yeah. What about, you know, any movies where he wears a mask? I guess he's... Yeah.

Well, but speaking of masks, maybe scuba diving, right? Yeah. Are there any real scuba diving films? Good, yeah, because it feels like that would be good, especially if you could get those old, bring back the bubble helmet. Yeah. Or maybe a full clear bubble helmet because you really want to make um take advantage of his elastic face there exactly yeah maybe you

could still be able to get some of those expressions yeah you could magnify it even but or magnify keen magnifying you know just specific bits of the face. But that's true. It could be even funnier. But Alistair, in all seriousness, I don't think there have been any films that entirely take place in scuba gear underwater. And I'm just saying, you know or in school gear above water about space

that's true yeah we've been made more films about the surface of the moon than we have made about the bottom of the ocean well you know what i think it would be fun to make a movie about under the ocean but filmed sort of in the way that you film a space one just with wires and stuff yeah great so you never go under yeah under underwater yeah because i think maybe it's an underwater film and you get one of those really great tax deals to film it in some totally landlocked part of america yeah like you get to do it in sort of texas yeah out near el paso right you know and the el paso tourism board they thought this would be a great way to showcase their beautiful oceans they thought this would be a great way to showcase their beautiful oceans and get people in.

And the producers just tell the writer and the director that this is the deal that they've lined up and this is the only way that they could get the film across the line. And so we're filming our aquatic masterpiece in you know the New Mexico desert I mean it's not that crazy anywhere there's like

a really dry kind of oceany kind of like it looks like an ocean floor you know like a deserty type place like that

would be very much like an ocean floor and so then you don't have to do as much sort of

floor work in terms of set dressing. Yep. So that's half your problems done, right? Yeah. Well, that's half of it. Then you just got to find, then you just got to get actors. You got to get some wires, good invisible wires. Get a few birds, dress him up a bit like fish.

What's a good underwater story? Obviously, the one breath is a good idea. The mythical one breath. The mythical one breath. One breath of clean, pure air that's in every man's scrotum. Yeah. Just in case you need it to get to the surface. And I reckon there's also...

All listeners know this story. I reckon that there's also one inside the female labia. I'm just saying, but I think... But there's half a breath in each sort of labial cheek. I wonder if... And I'm sorry, this is real disgusting. Yeah. But like, could you... In a pinch, could you breathe farts?

In a pinch? Like if you pinch off the fart? I don't know if that would be enough air. I just don't know. Is there oxygen in there, is I guess what I'm wondering. I'm guessing probably not but i think it's worth knowing well i mean right you know the gas isn't going to go through you all the way and just be methane is it but also can you get anything out of methane could you break

it can your body break it down can your lungs break it down break it down with me fellas because i mean we've discussed this before but really the lung is the air stomach. And does it do no work? Or does it only do... Does it only take the oxygen? Or can it break some things down a little bit?

And get other stuff? Because there's oxygen in other things. That's right. And the lung needs to adapt and there's only one way that's going to happen. Anyway, dry land scuba. It's a scuba romance. Oh, it's a scuba romance, yeah.

It's true, based on a true story. Yeah, okay, that's good. That makes it easier. Valid love while scuba diving. Well, what's some good underwater stories? There's the sinking of the Titanic. Yep, that's a good underwater story. Well, you know, we've only ever seen the part of the story

that takes place above water. But what happened after in Titanicanic 2 that's only half the story we only told you half the story because there would be a lot of people who were still alive when that went down i think this then basically we're talking about the poseidon adventure am i right is that what happens in movie? I think that's a ship that sinks and people are trapped in the hull. And I'm going to look it up. Poseidon Adventure? You aware of this?

You heard of this, Al? No, but is that where they meet the underwater guard? A god? No. I don't think so. Poseidon Adventure movie. All right. Here we go. Facade and adventure movie. All right, here we go. A passenger ship en route is taken over by a tidal wave

and turns upside down. All of the passengers die except ten lucky people. It's a great description. They do sound lucky, don't they? Trapped to this upside down ship. But what do they do? They hook up and stuff? Oh yeah all of that I don't know

any more details but it's just upside down it's not actually underwater and that's where Titanic 2 is going to be Good because this one will be upside down Well no because this one is right way up, but underwater, right? I guess so, yeah. I mean, it's kind of... it's split in

half, didn't it? And then the two ends kind of sank separately. And the two halves form a rivalry very quickly. Exactly, yeah. Like, the two sides of the island in Lost. And, you know, then it'll take them a while to sink to the ocean floor I'm guessing

possibly even the duration of the film we could film this in real time on land obviously do you think if you were eating like if you were in the sinking Titanic right this is going to be a weird question but do you think it would be funny if while this titanic is sinking you're eating fish is that funny i don't know because it feels a little bit funny to me yeah yeah you're right um i think uh the people trying to separate which is the maybe one, the ship breaks in half

one half has got more like first class passengers one half has got more third class passengers and that could be part of the rivalry one's a bigger half and people think that makes them better be nice to see like a set of inter-half sports I guess underwater rugby That makes them better. Be nice to see like a sort of inter half sports.

I guess underwater rugby. It would be like the Swiss family Robinson, but underwater. Yeah. And I think. Oh, it's like Lord of the Flies while they wait to be rescued. Lord of the Flies, but it's with sort of rich people and poor people learning to get along. Yeah, and underwater. And they are all going to die, definitely.

Like, that's another thing that this movie has over the original Titanic. Yeah, you already know. You already know they're all going to die. So you're kind of, there's a somberness. Yeah, but you know also which ones to get emotionally invested in. That's none of them, by the way. Yeah, but we don't know. We don't know whether anyone who was underwater ever made it to back up to the top.

We don't know. We should find out. As they're sinking, one of the halves of the ship can hit another iceberg underwater. It's another iceberg that makes it go back to the surface exactly makes it float again one iceberg

knocks you down another iceberg gets you right back up it's hair of the dog you know hair of the dog that bit you if one underwater had clogged up

that whole break in the half you know? So like, let's say it splits in half, but then one half goes underwater. And that half just completely, basically gets sealed up by another underwater iceberg. Yeah, I love it. I love it. The captain is still on the bridge.

He's got a little pocket of air. And he's like, I know I got this wrong last time, but I'm actually, I'm technically the one here who, and I know none of you trust me, but I'm technically the one here who has the most experience crashing into icebergs now. And so that's why I think I'm the right guy to fix this problem when crashing into another iceberg.

He uses his back of the boat wheel for some reason. He's his um back of the boat uh wheel for some reason he's in the back of the boat bridge okay right which is where he preferred to steer from which is what got them in this mess in the first place but suddenly his position was very strategic when he could still move the rudders and guide the boat down as they were all underwater. And it guided him and allowed him to seal the boat back up. And then how does it start rising? Maybe, you know, I think you could then, if you still got the boilers going, right, in that back half,

you get a bit of steam, you boil some water, You get a bit of steam. You boil some water. You get a bit of steam. You increase the air pressure. You push out some of the water maybe. Got to get some valves or something going. And then you start to rise up again. And you could maybe just recycle the air somehow. You know, if you figure out quick enough a way of recycling the air.

Mr. Engineer, develop some sort of oxygen recycling plan. I mean, think about, you know, what if, you know, this captain was very quick on his feet and he figured out a way using this new iceberg and this half of a thing. He's a bit like MacGyver. He creates an underwater biodome. What you're saying, Alistair, and i think i'm understanding you correctly is that these people could still be alive or you know they could have had they could still be underwater

in this sealed off chunk of titanic in a sort of aquatic biodome still living in a terrarium type perfectly valid habitat this whole time if they've got buoyancy, they won't have risen to the surface, but they also won't have sunk any further. And they could have a whole society going. Am I right? Have I got you? Are we on the same page? Yeah, absolutely. But what's happening is that due to climate change, we're now threatening their environment.

Their way of life. Well, we could be melting that iceberg. If we melt that iceberg, then seawater could start getting into their underwater biodome. And also outsiders, you know? Critters. Yes. Perhaps a bigger threat. New way of life. Because they

wouldn't know anything about, you know, modern technology, social media, that sort of thing. That's right, yeah. Their world is changing. If the seawater doesn't get them... The Titanic tribe. That's right, yeah. If the seawater doesn't get them, QAnon sort of conspiracies will.

They'll get sucked in. Their society will be torn apart. They will not have built any defenses to the modern day sort sort of info wars disinformation wars yep um and so they'd likely all be victims and this is the kind of stuff that we can go into what happens in this series of films it's it's no longer just one film there's a too much. It'll be called the Titanic 2 Extended Universe. The Titanic 2 EU. What's EU? Because they go back to the European Union.

European Union, yeah. I'm going to write this down, Andy. I think there's something in this. The second iceberg sorts you out, you know. Their problem was not enough icebergs, if anything. Not hitting enough. Well, that's what happened with the other side of the boat, the front half.

The other half. They didn't hit enough icebergs. Yeah. That's really something. We really learned something there. I think we might, and I'm sorry if I'm wrong, I think we might

have five sketch ideas. No, we got four. Whoa. Geez, I was excited though. Because you didn't write down the almighty then, isn't it? Yeah, that's because of that, Andy. Good call. I mean, it would be crazy if you had five. You've got to be tough sometimes.

It would be crazy if we had five, including almighty then. You wouldn't really, nobody would respect me at that point, would they? What animal fur do you think is the most easy, um what animal what animal fur do you think is the most easy it's like it's the easiest to go from killing the animal to be being completely able to wear the animal skin like i think we might have talked about this in the past right we talked about how the uh the wombat is basically just a vest waiting to be sure no but i mean like cleaned out how long can like like i mean the amount of time from from kill to to being wearing the the whole being completely covered in clothes like a body suit and you can also pretend to be that animal i guess man right Like if you just find a larger man, I mean, it's already got sleeves.

It's already basically the shape of clothes. And we fit into all the bits, right? How do you feel about people getting their bodies emptied and turned into a costume? Like instead of getting buried, just get hollowed out and given to a you know like a funny relative i think this would be a great cultural tradition australia doesn't have enough right and what if when somebody in the family dies, you hollow them out, right, and then it just becomes a suit that you can put on. One of the people in the family can put it on at Christmas or whatever

and prance around being... Grandpa suit. Grandpa for the day. Who wants to be grandpa? Me, me! You do your best impression of grandpa, what you remember. And the kids can get into grandpa and you just have to roll up the legs a little bit. Yeah.

Roll up the arms. Think how cute it would be if like, yeah, the four-year-old, you know, a four-year-old just wears grandpa's suit. Skin, yeah. And they say what, you know, they've never actually heard grandpa, but they say the things that you say that he used to say. And I guess, you know, the grieving widow, I guess she wouldn't be grieving at this point. It's four years I've gone by. At least four years.

Oh, no, she's still really upset about the loss. She hasn't got over it at all. But the rest of the family has really moved on. Like, they've dealt with it so well. And it's not their fault that she's still being a bit uptight about this kind of stuff. They should still be allowed to have fun. So she's crying quite a lot, but everybody else is laughing.

Yeah, but they're laughing to the point that they're crying, so it actually doesn't seem that noticeable. She doesn't feel so alone. Yeah. In a way, it's almost like they're relating. Do you think you'd be more likely to do this with a grandparent that you loved or a grandparent that you hated, not that you didn't hate it um well i think you know what i think would be nice i think a grandparent that you you you love a lot but you know sometimes the way that you

show that love is with a kind of an affectionate mocking, right? That you don't get with a grandparent that you don't have that same connection with. And I think, you know, doing, dressing up in the skin of your grandfather and doing a sort of a mocking, you know, gentle, affectionate mocking kind of performance of him, I think would actually really be quite touching in a way. You know, one of the nicest him, I think would actually really be quite touching in a way. You know, one of the nicest things, I think,

is people caring about you enough to notice your flaws and to find a way to joke about them in a way that doesn't hurt anyone's feelings. And the thing is that you could actually make them better as well. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah, who was the best grandpa? Yeah, like, and over the years you would kind of you would add to grandpa's character a lot of those guys were sort of

you know a bit you know a bit quiet and you know they weren't they weren't as emotional not much fun to perform yeah it's not as much fun but you could add a bit to his character. You could give him a signature dance. Great. Because I think a lot of these suits would benefit. Do the granddad. Do the granddad. Do the granddad. Oh, my hip.

Oh, oh, my hip, hip. Yeah, exactly that kind of stuff. Like modern hip hop. Yeah, very modern. Very modern hip hophop yeah very modern very modern hip-hop hip-hop oh my hip oh oh my hip hip and then i guess you could even use the double meaning of hip there yeah yeah absolutely i've written down grandpa's that feels like it's an automatic in. Straight in. Straight in. I mean, it seems crazy.

Very easy to film. It seems crazy to throw away all of the body and not at least keep the skin and maybe at least some of the inner skull structure. Because you could take out a lot of that bottom brain shell, like the bottom part of the brain and a bottom part of the brain and a bottom part of the skull that kind of holds the brain

and you could sort of hollow that out a little bit and allow you to wear that head like a helmet. Absolutely, Alistair. And then it would also be a bit protective. What about, you know, this could be in a kind of, you know, I don't want to put everything in an alternative universe, but it could be

in a kind of world in which kind of, I don't want to put everything in an alternative universe, but it could be in a kind of world in which sort of the default form of preserving memories is through performance rather than through documentation. So rather than taking photos or even writing a diary or something, the way that a memory is preserved is through this characterization that you pass on. Yeah.

This feels like this would be in the same universe where you've replaced tea with shots. Yeah, absolutely. Same universe. Those two line up like beautiful jigsaw puzzles and and then you you learn a dance that somebody did or you or you just you put you know you put on a little grandpa show that you know might be his daily routine maybe you act out his daily routine you you know the performances you start in the morning of one day and then you you know perform him throughout a day and then you get get him to go back to bed at the morning of one day and then you perform him throughout a day

and then you get him to go back to bed at the end of the day so that it's like he's always still alive and he's still going through that cycle. So whatever he did, maybe he would climb a ladder, so you might mind that. Is this kind of what the guy did in Psycho? Is it? I haven't seen that film,

but did he wear his dead mum's skin? Or did he just wear her clothes? Yeah, I don't know. And he had preserved her body in the living room. I haven't seen either. We really should see it, Al. We're kind of philistines. Yeah.

But why would we watch it when we could just come up with the idea for it on this on this podcast and then somebody tell us that's a little bit like it alistair i don't know if you know this about our show but uh we get sent uh you know people can support us on patreon and we get sent words from a listener okay Yeah. And do you want me to, we've got some today. Okay. And do you want me to tell you the name of the person who...

If you feel like that's a good direction for this podcast to go, okay. No, I'll tell you what, I'll let you do it. Okay. Well, I guess I could try.

I could try to guess what you were going to say. I guess today's listener is Fraser Wright. Fraser! Fraser Wright, one of the Wright brothers, maybe. Fraser Wright, up all night, eh?

Come on. I bet he is. Thank you so much, Fraser. Thank you, Fraser. Thank you for writing in. Thank you for sending these great words, Andy. Thank you for writing in. Thank you for sending these great words, Andy. And supporting the show. Andy, I ran the words by you earlier just to make sure that we hadn't done them before. And I couldn't guarantee that we haven't done them before, but I have already forgotten them, Alistair.

I'm in a good position to guess them. Unsullied. Unsullied unsullied and well i'm gonna i was gonna guess them unsullied by the knowledge of what they are but yes my first guess is the word unsullied oh but what about a sequel to the movie sully yeah right called unsullied this is when he's he takes a turn for the worse. His Hudson River landing fame has... He's trying to recapture that on every mode of transport he gets into from here on in. He's always sort of steering it dangerously close to the Hudson Riverson river again and his wife or kids have got to say dad you're not you're not gonna drive into the hudson again are

you and he's like oh no no no he keeps finding ways to try to convince birds to to fly into his the machinery he controls and then he and then no matter how far away he is, he takes that vehicle to the Hudson River. Hmm. Um, okay. So the second word is, no,

so the first word is why? Yes. Second word is not. Ah. And the third word is die. Die. Why not die? Die. Wow. is die die why not die

die wow well um you know I Fraser I hope everything's okay um and I realize it takes us a while to get to these words and I hope you weren't specifically writing in to ask for I think he said he meant it in the

most positive way when he wrote it. Oh, great. Because I was like, you know, obviously sometimes you think, well, is this a suggestion to us? You know, are you sending an encoded message? Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. I don't think it was encoded. He meant it literally. Why not die?

Well, you know, I learned recently that that i you know and i told you about this alistair we were doing some research and uh i was reading this article where a person was talking about one of the reason one of the reasons that end of life is so complicated is because the body really doesn't want to die right like yeah you know this is why dying is such an unpleasant process is because it's actually quite hard to kill a person. We have all these systems in our body that try and keep us alive and that means that you linger.

You bloody linger, Al. Unless you, you know, unless things really get catastrophic, you can, you will hang on and that's why you've got these last breaths and stuff like that you're always trying to you know just as I was putting my son to bed last night

he did ask, Daddy what what do you think happens when we die is it black oh my goodness. And I go, you know what? Oh, my goodness. That's actually what I see when I imagine it, too. Oh, good gravy.

Yeah. What a question. But, yeah, and I was like, God, I like this kid. And then he's like right up my alley. But then it just reminded me that actually it wouldn't be black because black is something, right? Right. It would be transparent.

So I think when you die, you're going to see transparency for miles. Yeah, infinite transparency. Yeah. So it wouldn't be black. On the other side of the transparency, more transparency. And it's not that kind of transparency where like over a sufficient distance you start to see that there's actually a little bit of opacity and eventually it builds up and then you can't see through it

anymore oh no this is pure transparent so just you know all the way all the way down, baby. All the way through, not with a black background like space. But not. Because black is something. That's the problem with space, right? It is pretty transparent all the way through, but it's that edge of the universe that would be black because there's no light there. Yeah.

Well, not even necessarily the edge of the universe, right? But just the limit of the distance that light can travel in the age of the universe that defines the observable universe. So there could still be stuff beyond that, but just the light hasn't got to us yet. And probably the boundary is probably dark colored. I just always imagine it being dark colored. That and the fact that the edges are actually black.

They're dark. It's a dark boundary. Yeah, it's like a wall. Yeah, but black. Yeah, black wall. It would be, you know, if there is a limit to the observable universe, right, and as more and more light comes to us, there could be a point at which there's actually just heaps of light, right, and then it just comes down on us like a big flash.

Or the light from the very edge of the universe could reach us, right, there could be light bouncing off it or something, and then we'll be able to see it all of a sudden. It'll be all over the night sky. We'll look up there and be like, oh, brick. That's brick on the edge of the universe. I mean, it might be too far away to make out the detail, but they could be big bricks.

Hi, mate. It's never too dark to make out. Yes. Yes. Gotcha. Is there a sketch of it? That would be a great place to go to make out, though. It would be beyond the edge of the observable universe. Yeah, because it's a great place to get away from your parents.

Exactly. Yeah, because I mean, it's a great place to get away from your parents. Exactly. You know, I know a spot and it's like only just over 13 billion light years away. But if we get faster than light travel, of course, that's where teens are going to be going to make out. Yeah, that's true. They'll go up there just beyond the horizon of knowability. And they'll be kissing in their little spaceships. Yeah, just parked.

Probably riding that wave. Riding the wave of light that is sort of expanding the universe. Yeah. Yeah, probably. Because especially if you're running sort of light-powered ships, you know, ships that kind of can ride beams of light. It's just pushed forward by photons. You just ride that as it crashes into nothingness. Is this a sketch, Al?

Because it feels very close to being something. It feels close to something. Feels like a sci-fi, feels like a Philip K. Dick could write this kind of a thing, you know, and then something weird would happen and it would turn out to be a drug hallucination or one of the people would turn out to be a beaver.

This one's not, although they might be doing drugs there too. That's the other group of people who hang out on sort of near edges like that you know who hang out in car parks yep it's just one way it's a place where you can do stuff without being near all the people you want to you don't want to be near it's the you know as more and more of the world and the spaces that we know become controlled and become monitored you know this will be the new international waters it's it's universal edge into universal

edge i think actually like already car parks at night i think kind of should be basically cops should just shouldn't go there. You should be allowed to go, like there should be somewhere where you're allowed to do illegal stuff. Right. You know, and I think car parks that are a little bit elevated that allow you to look over other things should be a place where you can sort of openly inject intravenous drugs and make out with anyone. Sorry. I really don't have anything.

But this edge of the universe thing, it's not. Why not die, Alistair? Why not die? Just, you know. Imagine, okay, how about this? You've got bills to pay. You can't afford to. How about this? It's somebody.

It's quite a young guy, 17 years old, who at some point is invited because of work that he did at school. He was in the SRC. Oh, yeah, sure. That opens doors. And he does something where he organizes something good for the canteen, and he gets invited to Buckingham Palace. Yeah, great. He got a vending machine in the common room and so he goes to meet the queen yeah and then but there's a bunch of other people there but when she stops to talk to him she kind of quite likes him and she invites him to another

thing a little bit later yeah and then when he gets there a little bit later it's actually just him and the queen and they're actually hitting it off she's really fun yeah wow but then she starts kind of being like like so they meet up again but then they kind of go on this thing and she's a bit disguised they go out maybe walking by the thames or something like that you know and uh and she's like i'm this is crazy but i'm i'm really into you yeah and they're doing that sort of fun thing when you're walking by the river or something where you're just pushing each other they're pushing each other a lot yeah you know and then and then they fall over like he like they fall backwards onto him and she's like

yeah you know she lands with her two hands sort of on his chest and she's like just yeah breathing just like oh whoops thanks for catching me you know i'm really old i could have died yeah and then and then sort of i don't know he gets a call maybe two weeks later and she's like oh this is crazy we can't be doing this he's like we gotta stop we can we have we have to do this and then they run away together they go on a big like kind of road trip across the country yeah and then they there's some there's some photos that come out and it's just the people are like wait this seems like the queen is on this road trip with the thing. And she's freaking out because she's very proper.

She is. I've noticed that about her. Yeah. Like, yeah, she can't have this out. And so she's like, look, I got to call it quits. And so she goes back to Buckingham palace and she calls it the whole thing off and then he's still a bit love lord you know he's you can't just give it up that quick this is the best relationship he's had in his whole life and he's he's going to these big parties and like he's getting into like stupid one night stand

rebound flings with just other monarchs. Other European monarchs. But they don't mean anything. Yeah. Or just like the grandmothers of the person who are having a party, birthday party. Yeah. That he goes to high school with. You know.

And then he calls her up drunk. He calls up the queen drunk. And he's like, I don't know what to do. How to get past this. She says, why not die? She's so cold. She's so cold. Wow.

And he goes, what do you mean? She's like, why not die? And then she says, meet me at this elevated car park near the Thames. It's a big car park that overlooks the Thames. Oh, the Thames, where they went for that beautiful walk that time. Yeah, near where the London Bridge is. I think there's a bit of an elevated area there.

And they meet up there. And she has her hand outreached towards him and uh he goes to take it and she puts on a handcuff onto his wrist and she he sees that she he's cuffed to her and um they're over just near the near the cliff edge over there looking over the overlooking the water and she lifts up her big petty long coat her big sort of you know pastel turquoise green uh petticoat and um and there's a huge boulder and it's like lashed to her legs and she's like why not die together and then she just kind of lurches forward and she leans forward instead of her face hits the cliff edge and then she sort of slides off

and then pulls him down and they really hurt themselves on the way down and then eventually So it's not a good jump It kind of has a lot of scraping involved It's an awful jump She didn't pre-think about Well she jumped But she left the boulder behind Which means that she kind of like swings back Slams her face on the thing

She didn't get any height, but the weight of her body pulled the boulder down with her. I mean, when do you think was the last time the queen jumped? She probably hasn't jumped for 60 years. Yeah, it's the last time she could jump. It was relatively high. She could jump like a middle-aged woman. It was a decent jump.

Oh God. Yeah, Al, I think that's great. You know what? It's got a kind of like a Notting Hill vibe, but with the Queen. And then they kill themselves at it.

Yeah. I don't know. I haven't seen Harold and Maud, but I think there's a lot of Harold and Maud kind of stuff from my understanding of that. Yeah, right. Harold and Maud. Yeah. So this is that, but with the Queen.

There are no fictional romances with the Queen. And I think we could get this made. Yeah, I'd love that. Maybe we've got to make it in some country like the Philippines or something where she can't get to us. Yeah. Because I feel like she wouldn't like it. Well, we also have that other film idea, which is with Prince Philip, who fixates on another kind of young man. But this one, he's just...

It's because he runs into his trolley with... You remember this from ages ago? Yeah, yeah, of course I remember. He goes out at Bunnings or whatever and... Yeah, yeah. He runs his trolley into the... And he has a vendetta. And he gets a vendetta and he starts sneaking out

and trying to make this guy's life awful. Well, this is part of our, you know, royal... Royal, obsessive royal extended universe now. Yeah. I guess we've got to wrap it up. I guess I'm going to take us through the sketch ideas. The Queen's Tongue. The Queen's Tongue, yes.

Beautiful. Imagine the enunciation she would pash with do you think do you think the way that the queen kisses is the way that it's you should properly kiss absolutely yeah

everything she does with her mouth is actually the official English way to do it and there's a style guide at the BBC that they give to all their presenters about all oral procedures on camera. Yeah, yep. So here we got...

That's a really funny idea, by the way, Al. Yeah? Yeah. All right, I'll just... I'll write it down. All right, I'll just, I'll write it down. Queen, official kissing guy. The way she licks a calippo.

I'd love to know how the queen approaches a calippo, because they can be quite tricky. But she'd know the right way to do it. The thing is, is that kissing, her kissing style would have been developed in like high school i guess when she first passed her first boy and so that's when it kind of would have been officiated for that era of queen i guess yeah they get a they get a new one and then you know they probably have to film her first kiss and then they get various courtiers in to analyze it and then write it down and then disseminate the news

of the new royal Pasch style. Or would it have been the king's Pasch style until he dies and then she became, then whatever age she is when her dad dies, then whatever first Pasch she does after that becomes the royal style. I mean, the official pass style. You know what? Maybe you're right. I don't know.

All right. So here's our sketch ideas for today. We got the universe where tea is replaced by shots. I mean, that's a classic sketch idea, isn't it? Absolutely. We've got fine bone china for when the vicar comes around to have sex with him. Oh, but it's the fine bone condom, sorry. Fine bone china condom.

Then we've got Jesus trying to get others to call him the son of God. We've got Titanic 2 Extended Universe. That's the people who live in the biodome under the sea. He lives in a biodome under the sea. All the passengers who were in the front back half of the ship. We've got Grandpa Suit. Yes.

We've got the Queen Fling With Teen. And then we got The Queen Official Kissing Style Guide. We do a lot of kissing stuff on this show. Man, and if you think it's not going to be the end. A lot of good kissing stuff coming up. So if you like kissing stuff. All our best kisses are still ahead of us. Yeah, don't you worry.

Think about that. And. Thank you so much for listening to the show. Fuck, it's good. Yeah, it's a good fucking hell Love that shit You can follow us on Twitter Hi We're at 2andTank

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But you know what? Great. Other than that, you don't need to even think about anything else. Be cool. Good on you. Good on you. Be cool. Hang loose. And we'll see you around. need to even think about anything else be cool good on you good on you be cool hang loose um

and we'll we'll see you around and um we love you this podcast is part of the planet broadcasting network visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates it's not optional you have to do it we used to go easy on it but now you have to yeah yeah