Two In The Think Tank - 259 - "HANNONBALL THE CANNONBALL"

Episode Date: November 10, 2020

Self Defence Cannibal, Hannonball, Wee in the Pool, Gelled Urine Revolution, Toilet License, OctobirdWatch the best comedy man Xavier Michelides' "Lettuce Do This" hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereSalt reduced thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Gosh, darn it, it's raining men. Oh boy. It's raining men. Oh, that's going to be trouble. It's raining men. Yes. Bloody hell. LAUGHTER

Hello! Hello, and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas and today It is absolutely pissing down men It's absolutely it's a it never it never Rains yes, but it pours men It pops their head off tips them over Let's it all run out.

Decants, decants the man juice. Decant the man, get the ear in there, so the man tastes better. Oxygenate the man. Isn't it crazy that a bit of air makes things taste better? Isn't it crazy that taking the top off a bottle of wine to let the air get in makes it better, but taking the top off a man to let the air get in arguably makes the man worse, assuming that you considered being dead to be worse. That assumption is a big assumption.

I'm bringing my preciousness. But it depends on whether somebody was going to feast on the man. Feasting on a living man may be, you know, it might be unpleasant. Well, I'll give you trauma. But feasting on a dead man may just fill your tum tum. You're absolutely right. Yes. The only scar that it will leave on you is on your stomach or with how much it's widened it

because you're eight too much man on your face from where he was clawing at you while you were killing him. Well depends if you took the head off maybe you did a thing where you locked his head into one of those things that they lock a cow's head into and then you just grab they lock a cow's head into. And then you just grab the head, well, I mean, I'm assuming you just got it professionally done. But maybe you just grab the head and you just turned until it came off. This is actually genuinely pretty awful.

Like winding the top off one of those little squeezy yogurt things, you know, that's right. I mean, a lot of the time when we see a cannibal, we look at them, we interview them and we come away thinking this person is a psychopath. But how do we know that it wasn't the killing and the eating of the person that turned them into a psychopath. They could have been a totally normal person when they killed and began eating the person. That's right. They might have been eating them in self-defense. Now, how does that work, Alistair? How could you cannibalize somebody in self-defense?

Okay, I'll tell you how, Alistair. Okay, you're very weak. You're in a very weak state from hunger. Somebody begins to attack you. The only way you can gain the energy to defend yourself is by beginning to eat the person. Luckily, you've brought your Japanese cooking naif. Yes. That's the only thing you've got. You barely have the energy to lift it up. It's one of those cooking knives in that it's heated to the point where it cooks as it cuts. Well, there's scalples like that, but that's what we're talking about. But this one, and he doesn't have the strength to lift the knife because he's so such a weakened state

But what he does is he can just point the blade in the direction of the oncoming fist. Yeah And as the fist comes a glances past the blade sheaves off a little bit of meat Filet it flies the hand and arm that flips into the mouth and you begin chewing and processing that goodness. And with every punch you slice off another little bit and eat that as well until you're strong enough to start really chopping off chunks now, like big slabs of meat. And your belly's getting full and you're feeling robust and so so strong now that you can really start hacking in and doing those big big cups. Each of his limbs are sort of shrinking like one of those elephant leg

kabab meat rotating things. Yes, yes. That elephant his legs his legs start to look like a like you know like a tree trunk Is he does he have some sort of is he doing a lot of spin kicks and you're shaving the meat off as he spins around Is he a whirling dervish? He gives you he gives you a bloody whirling gurvish. Yeah, that is but gives you one of those Spinning back kick and things like that you get a calf he gives you a bloody whirling gourwish, I don't know what that is, but gives you one of those. Spinning back kick and things like that, you get a calf. He gives you another, you get, he gives you a flying elbow. Yes. You get, you get a... Get all that good elbow meat. Well, maybe, maybe you get some off the bicep. Delightful.

the bicep. Ah delightful. Yeah. We've proven that there is a probable, probable cause no wait, no what's that thing that you look for? Um, that it's habeas corpus? No, the other thing the way it's like. Lossable deniability. Maybe. Yeah, it's not it, but you know what, it seems like that's enough. Reasonable doubt. Reasonable doubt. You know, you go, maybe he couldn't have defended himself without that meat in his mouth. And because it's a Japanese knife, they'll be like, ah, it's probably because they're accustomed to making sushi. That's why they could eat the meat of the man so raw.

So raw, yeah, it doesn't make a lot of sense. Alistair, can you tell me is this a sketch, right? You're at the circus. The ring leaders there, he... Big top hat. Big top hat. Big huge top hat, okay. It's got his whip or whatever

It's got a somebody slams a big gong All right, and there's a drum roll and he says a lady is in gentlemen Now the human cannon ball and I and a curtain pulls back and there's a big big cannon right but in front of the cannon on the ground, there's just like a shirtless man, right? Covered in blood, chewing on the corpse of another human being. And, and then, uh, the ringleader whispers to a little clown nearby or something. And he's like, 20,000. Eudioid.

I, I said a human cannonball. And it's a human cannibal. I see. Yes. So he's a mess up. Yeah. And a mess hearing. Anything. Does he do they shoot? Well, it's, I mean, it's something, Andy. Yeah. And I miss hearing. Anything?

Anything? Do they shoot, well, it's, I mean, it's something, Andy. I feel like we want more in there. All right, this is a different thing then. This is a movie called The Silence of the Lambs, but it's Hannan Ball, The Cannon Ball. Okay, yeah. You've got my attention.

And what it is. It's a guy. It's a guy. He's a psychologist or psychiatrist or whatever. But people don't realize that he's actually a cannonball. And there's been all these deaths of people who've been sort of shot through the center. They had a big hole left out of them. And then eventually they realized that it is Hannan ball.

Who was named as Hannan ball? Because it rhymes with Hannan ball. Oh Hannan ball, the Hannan ball. Yeah, okay, I get you now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's a Lister. Sorry, I thought it was hand in ball.

I know. I thought it was hand in ball, the cannon ball. But that's what it was. Yeah, I'm gonna write down hand in ball. Hand in ball. I mean, okay, because, okay, I think this is where my confusion came up. He said, I thought he was still a cannibal. I think I thought it was cannonball, the cannibal.

And so I thought that, and I thought it was weird that he was a psychologist. I didn't feel like that was necessary. But there are a lot of details in it that probably could have been changed in the edit. I'm the first to write. Hannah and Ball, the cannibal, oh my God. Oh, I understand. No, that's not gonna make any sense. No.

Okay, great. And so I thought that this cannibal would go around around. I guess it could be that it's being pretending to be just a regular man. You know that somehow controlling a man's body with its sphere. Yeah. I mean, a cannonball is really just a... an orb. It doesn't have the power of levitation. That's why it needs the canon because it's jealous of other orbs, but also to get around anyway.

And it would go around and eat other canon balls. Yes. Cannonball, the cannibal. But there's not a lot of can of can in balls around these days So we kind of go into like old Museums and things like that to go find the cannon balls. Mm-hmm Because what's the alternative you go? You dive down to this bottom of the sea and eat rusty old

You know, you know the old cannon balls., I'm sure you could polish them up, but but that would be like being a cannibal and going to a cemetery and eating a rotten old corpse, you know, they don't do that. Yeah, that's true, but you could get one like a relatively fresh one, but I guess they do something before it's still been out for a bit, hasn't it? one, but I guess they do something before it's still been out for a bit, hasn't it? Do you think one at the point of burial a body is still good to eat? Well, not if it's gone through the embalming process, you know, the pumping in of the form on the whole, and that sort of thing. And I think that the very reason that they do that is precisely to make the flesh less delicious to eat.

I think they have to do it because all the dirty secret of the funeral home business is that human bodies are so delicious. And all, you know, with this knowledge, all funeral home work undertakers know that if they didn't poison the bodies as soon as they get them in, they would end up eating them. Yeah, I guess that's the problem. It's like, you know, it's like Gandalf refusing the ring. Yeah, yes, yes, exactly.

You know, because he knows I can't be trusted with it. And it'll take control of me. You know, these guys, these, these undertakers, they've they've been taken before, from underneath, from in their, you know, from the darkest regions. And they know that they're going to want to do things with the bodies, eat them, put, you know, put their arms inside the empty arms of the... They do empty out the arms, that's true. They empty out the arms, they take the bone out. That's a hard reason that they plug up the orifices isn't to stop stuff leaking out. It's to stop stuff leaking in if you know what I'm saying.

Absolutely, I hear that. What are they stuff it with? That's why they put them in the coffins and nail them shut. It's not to make it more pleasant for people not to have to look at the body flopping around. It's to stop the undertakers getting at them. Yeah, and they don't bury them in the ground. It's not to get the rotting flesh away from the earth.

It's to get them away from the undertakers. You know, that's I guess if I mean if you wanted to do that kind of stuff, the undertaker is absolutely where you would go with that job Like it's absolutely the job you would get Oh, if you were into doing doing all any any sort of a thing to the to the bodies Mm-hmm Yeah, but then I guess if you were reformed. I guess because either there is bacteria that I think builds up that They can you know doctors can find on you

If you've been doing stuff. Doing stuff with dead bodies. I mean, this is a thing that I have heard. But it feels like that's one of those urban myths like the... Probably isn't urban myths. They put stuff in the swimming pool that turns purple if you do a wee so that everyone can see you. They've made up these urban myths to stop usakers from fucking the corpses. The doctors knew what was going

on. They said, oh no, there's bacteria that builds up on the corpse. We'll be able to tell if you've been fucking them. And so the undertakers, that's why they don't do it because they're scared. Is that, I mean I guess if an undertaker told me that that was a myth, that's why I'd be like, yeah, I see what you're saying. Yeah, I get the subtext bro. But the thing about the peeing in the pool, you've heard that thing right? Yeah, I've heard that thing and I was still, you know, for some reason, I still kind of have believed that it's true, but I guess I've never seen it. Well, I've never seen it either. And I've pissed in every pool I've ever been in.

Have you really? No. No. Oh, my Lord. No, but I honestly think that if you ran a swimming pool, you know, you put so much chlorine in there so that ultimately it doesn't matter if people do piss in there. Surely your business is much more likely to be badly affected by people coming to the pool, everyone who comes to the pool seeing a big cloud of purple piss, you know, and having it confirmed beyond doubt that there is piss in there, rather than just letting people piss in there, and it's fine because it's diluted and it's all cleaned anyway, chemically cleaned, and not having anybody ever know. So, I think it

would be a really bad decision. Yeah, I think you're right. They should actually probably, they should do something nice for the people who pee in the pool. Yes, yeah, by the way. Because that would get more people to come to their pool. that it's okay to... Like it's one of those pools that doesn't go, go come down on you for peeing in the pool.

They're like relaxed about that kind of stuff. They make it be known that they're actually okay with that kind of stuff. Yeah, or they should make a pool that you can flush. Really easy. That's really good. Like, you know. And then, you know, like people will like,

well, it takes ages to refill the pool. Well, have it, have a sort of secondary pool kind of tank. Have a system. While people are in, you know, while people are in the regular pool. Exactly. Have a pool that looks. So in, you know, while people are in the regular pool. Exactly. So that basically you can just pour that in. Have a pool that looks exactly like an enormous toilet.

And everybody can, and the water in there is yellow, and everybody can dress up as poo's and swim around in there. And then, I mean, this should be at Disneyland. You know, like a sort of a flu ride. A log ride, a log flu where you are the log. You're a big poo and you get flushed down a toilet. But it's like, you know, what about your all in there? You sort of know where the big hole is, right?

You said standing a bit away from it, but there's kind of handle bars Pull over the pool. Yeah, and there's just a bit where everybody's allowed. There's a countdown and everybody can know P and poo It's the pool. You can go in All right, and you go and Then you got you got 30 seconds or something. A minute. Yeah. And then you got to, you got to, you got to finish up real fast, right?

And then they flush it. The whole thing. And you got to grab holes. One of those handles. And you're, so that you don't fit sucked in. Do you have the pads on? Like do you have? pads on like do you have No, you've got yeah, you've got your you've got your swimmers, but you've kind of you pull them back out

Yeah, oh you pull them down to do the Fuck it, Cal Because it's like, you know, it's it's the forbidden it is and it's true. It's true freedom You know and in America It's the forbidden. It is, and it's true, it's true freedom. And in America, the land of the free, you should be able to do that kind of stuff. I know what they could call it, the pool. Yeah, I was thinking that you've already got the word poo in in pool.

Weep of the poo in pool. And we is also about way like we. Yeah. But really it's used and we anyway it doesn't matter. This is a sketch. I think so. Yeah, great. I'm really proud of it. I mean it's a great product.

But I mean it's, you know, I think a great or terrible product is often a sketch because you get to live in that world for a moment where somebody feels like this is a good idea. Oh yeah, no, I think it's fantastic. We just see it in just a fight. I love the idea of the technology of the liquid that changes color, if somebody does a way in the pool. And they should put that in toilets. Well, indeed. But I would like to see it elsewhere as well.

Right? But wouldn't you pee more if you saw, if you, it was in toilets and you knew you could make like paint little purple clouds in the toilet bowl? I'd pee so much more, yeah. And I think a big problem is people not peeing enough, right? You've got a pee seven cups a day. Regardless of how much you drink, you should be peeing, you know, one and a half liters every single day.

Well, I've been told my whole life, I've been told my whole life to drink more water and I can't do it. But maybe we're going about it the wrong way. You should be telling people to pee more. You could really, really go in there and force something out. Right? If you ever, if you ever peed out like beyond what feels like you should be able to and it's kind of like a bit cloudy. No, no, I haven't, I haven't. I'll stay.

You're, you're, you're, you're talking about this like it's drinking the last bit of like a Koopas beer. Yeah, it's like, like, like the drugs like it could be that it's completely emptied the bladder. And now it just starts pulling up stuff from the testicles maybe Like we're out of liquid quick send something up He wants more I got nothing find something What's that stuff there?

But I think yeah, I think it's just like he won't know Yeah, it probably was sediment or you know, flocculent I don't think you're supposed to have sediment in the bladder It was probably, yeah, it probably was sediment or you know, flocculent. I don't think you're supposed to have sediment in the bladder. I don't know. It's going to be something at the bottom. It's not going to be completely clear. You're telling me it doesn't separate out at all. You're telling me there's no silt, no sediment.

Yeah, I mean, there's bound to be something over the years, you know, think about it, even if it's 0.001 percent, salt gets through or whatever. And it's a soft sand or something. You should be able to drink something that is like the rinse aid stuff that you put in your dishwasher when you want to clean out the dishwasher, that really scours the system. You can sort of do that with a good bout of gastro or something, really feel like you've cleaned things out.

But you can't. Not the other. What about this? You already know about diarrhea. Yeah, yeah. There's nothing like that. There's nothing like that. My son yesterday, actually, he was really excited about the idea.

Yeah, right. So that's a wetening of solids. But what about a condition where you pee hard? Like maybe they sort of turn to icicles or something like that. I think we might have talked about this on the podcast before. I'm not totally sure, but like some kind of gelatin, right? Like that's what you're after. You're after a kind of gelatinous product that hardens the urine. And I think my son has had used the product like that that goes in the bath and turns the bath into just a gel Latinus thing. Terrific. Right. And I think it might be the stuff that might be in

nappies. Right. Do you ever wonder why nappies don't just kind of like wear it like they just hold the liquid in some way? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I think it's like a gelatin thing, a gelatin thing in there. Mmm, gelatin. Um, gelatin. Well, uh, it's a beautiful language, gelatin. Gelat, gelatin America. Um, so, but, but, but this would be something like, you know what, this would be, this would

be actually pretty good. It's, it's, it's, it's something that you, I don't know if you poke it up your, up your urethra or something like that. But what it does is it just causes the urine to solidify as it comes out. And then, you know, you can pee in your pants, and it's fine, it just comes out as a solid, and then you can just reach down in there and grab it and just throw it into the bin. And then that's a great idea.

You could be do, you know, then that just become a little dog-y, a pool bag. A little dog-y, a pool bag. That's socially acceptable, and you're just standing with your friends, having a conversation, or your at-work at a business meeting, and you don't want to have to and having a conversation or your at work at a business meeting and you don't want to have to get up and go, that doesn't matter.

You just pee out of solid, you grab it as like a handful and it's clean and you just put that straight into the bin. Now. Do you know that eel that releases like that gelatinous thing? Right. It can sort of instantly surround itself in like a kind of a goose. That right? Yeah.

And it's basically a, you know, it's a small compound that it releases. But when it mixes with water, it can turn like a huge volume of water. It's like it's so concentrated that it can turn a huge volume of water into this kind of gelatinous thing. And just like a little circle of that at the tip of the peepee, you know, and I think, and what's great is that it would work for for both men and women. And it would then allow you, yeah, to use that doggy poop bag that you could just have there, I guess also maybe just like elasticed on. I mean, for me, it's, it's, it's so solid and so clean. It comes away that you can just pull it out as is without the bag.

Right? Sure, but, but, but then you've got pants full of gelatin or like, if it, if it solidifies in the way that I'm hoping it will, it's not going to adhere to anything. You will just be able to pull it out and chunks or, you know, if you're, if you're good at it, you can get it out all in one big, one big sort of sheath and then dump it. Sure, I think so.

But it would be long, right? Want it to be long? I mean, I haven't worked out the exact details of how the... Because it'll gain volume, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But so, I mean, maybe you can wrap it around your arm, or sort of around your neck, like a, sort of a,

a big scarf. I'm sort of hoping that it would form a ball. Like I can picture it working in such a way that it basically forms a sphere. A perfect sphere. Well, maybe if you just sort of cut your hands around it, sort of a basket or a rope in the corner of your face. It will sort of cut your hands around it, like at the corner of your chest,

it will sort of take the shape of it like those melons that grow into cubes because they're in cube boxes. Maybe something like that. Yeah. Anyway, you probably throw it at your friends and things like that, wouldn't you? I think that would definitely be a part of the trend early on. It's like any technology. People think of it initially as a novelty.

This is every technology. People think it's just a joke and they just use it. Like when we first got the iPhone and everyone just wanted to play the fart app game and then pretend that they were drinking a beer from their iPhone. But now we use them to make calls and do electronic banking. And so it will be with this urine ball. You know, initially it will be like a funny thing where you can do some way in your pants

and then throw it at a friend. But the question will realize the enormous potential and power of this. Well, think about, you know, if there's a slight, even if there's just a slight, you know, flavor agent to it, like a, like a, like a scent agent that you add to it and it becomes grape or, you know, or grape scent into or something like that. Absolutely. It's a pleasant thing to get that pull out of your pants.

Well, well, now we're introducing a technology that's sort of like that toilet duck stuff that you just put on the side of the bowl. And when you flush it just refreshes the bowl, it turns it in a nice color or something like that. We're doing the same thing with a little thing that you can clip to the side of your urinary genital. Yeah, I love that.

Okay, well look, I've written down gel viewer in revolution. Yeah, and I think this is something that all of the listeners who are definitely still listening to the podcast are going to be absolutely on board with. I can't picture anybody, let alone everybody having tuned out and switched off. I just mean it's just a picture being so heavy heavy but maybe I'm for some reason I'm picturing myself being a lot more than I thought. I think everybody thinks they pay more than they do. At Nordstrom you can shop the best holiday gifts for everyone you love, all in one place. You'll find beauty favorites, cozy presents, fun ideas

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I think the actual volume is... I mean, I've never done a test, but I don't like... I just think... it's not something we have any real handle on, any real sense of. Volume's very difficult to get your head around. You know, like you always think... Over the love. From the point of view of your difficult to get your head around. Like you always think. I would love. From the point of view of your tongue,

your mouth seems massive. But I don't think your mouth is probably as big as your tongue thinks it is. Maybe you. I mean, I would love to have like a measuring beaker next to the toilet. Right. You know, I don't think it's okay though.

I mean, I don't want to be using it all the time, but I just, you know, I want to use it's okay though. I mean, I don't want to be using it all the time, but I just want to use it maybe 10 times just so that I can get a general idea of what a regular week looks like, you know? Well, I think the toilet should be able to measure this. It should just be able to measure the flow and do some kind of integral calculus and tell you the volume with a little display that pops up.

And then maybe it congratulates you. Where would you put the display? Would you kind of bring it up sort of like a first class? In the first class, they have on airplanes, they have those kind of screens that come out out of the arm rest, and then those kind of screens that come out out of like the arm rest and then it unfolds like that. I haven't really experienced that.

I haven't done a lot of first class travel, not like you, I'm not sure. But you know, when you walk past, this is all I've only seen a walk in past. You see, they're still lounging. You've never walked past first class. I don't. It's have a lot of thoughts. You see them, they're still lounging. You've never walked past first class? I don't. It's the first thing you walk past. I don't know that I have. I don't remember.

And I don't remember these screens. But I can believe that they exist, Alistair. I want to believe. Or do you think maybe right at that little white bit of the toilet seat still, right, you know, in between your legs, it's kind of a bit of an underused area. You know, and it could just be there a digital display built into the toilet seat. You put a you put a screen in there. And that would be quite a little stop me looking at my phone. I'd be able to actually have a screen just that little. And you know, with your head in that position, then you could properly hurt your neck.

Finally off my phone. Yeah, staring at the toilet seat in that little gap. Or maybe just a floating one, or one, you know, I guess depends where your toilet is. I think the main thing for me is the potential for the toilet to congratulate you on what you've done, because as a parent of young children, you congratulate your children a lot on their toilet behavior. And at some point, you grow up and no, I don't think anyone's congratulated me on the way I go to the toilet for a really long time.

And I think I'm sorry. I'd like that again. Yeah, I think you're right. But I think I think a I think a robot is like the perfect person for that because there's no you don't feel guilty for like making them feel like they need to. Yeah, yeah, you know, like you know, it could say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like he was like, oh, well done, sir. I could say it, I'm pretty sure I can say it. Oh, you could say in any voice. Terrific works, sir. You could, you know, using these deep fake voices and stuff like that, now you could,

I'd have absolutely anybody congratulate you and absolutely rain praise upon you for whatever you did in there. Yeah, if you could pick anybody from history to congratulate you on your toilet behavior. Who would you choose? You know, let's see. It must be a great way to sort of find out a bit more about history. The people that you don't know enough about, you know, like what did Gandhi sound like? You know? What would it have been like to be near Mother Theresa after I went to the toilet? Yeah, I'm picturing them now appearing like a hologram, sort of like the ghosts in Star Wars,

you know, when you see the dead Jedi, but it's Mother Teresa and Gandhi. Yeah. And they appear right here. Imagine that though. It's a bit like the episode, you know, some bit like that movie, HER. I haven't seen that, but... Well, it's basically like an audio version of some artificial intelligence who kind of becomes, you know, your companion. But then imagine that you've got this kind of mother Theresa or you've got, you know, maybe...

You know, you've got Shakespeare's friend. Yeah. Just some guy, Shakespeare's friend. Anyway, you start falling in love with the hologram Shakespeare's friend and your toilet who congratulates you after you go to the toilet. You know, and it wouldn't be that unlikely that somebody would want to start a relationship with him. So they start, I guess, bringing their toilet with them. Oh my God. Yeah, okay. They fall and then love with their sentient toilet. Yeah, then that's, you know, and so then you'd bring a toilet, it was probably the only acceptable time to have a toilet in the kitchen. Well, acceptable is a strong word. Do you think that it is the toilet though? Like, to me, originally it was this intelligence

that was in a way separate from the toilet, but now I'm really seeing that the two are fusing, and it is now just a talking toilet with a celebrity voice that says, well done on your stuff. Yeah, congratulate you on your business. You can think from 15 historical figures. But it's integrated into the toilet because all of its sensory organs, you know, are built into the toilet. They've got the, you know, the little scale down in the toilet and they've got the volume measuring, you know, lasers. And you know, it probably measures the temperature

of your buttock. Am I overdoing it here, Alistair? But isn't wrong for me to want two of those historical celebrities to be able to watch them then talk about how good they thought I was at going to the throat. Like do I have to choose just one or could I have a sort of a team of them get together and sort of rave about it to each other because often that's that feels more fun when you're getting to watch other people. Yeah. you know, enjoy together.

It feels like you've just found, you know, the upgrade of the deluxe model. Yeah. Premium. How can we sell this thing for an extra grand? Yeah, with a sort of a multiplayer, multiple intelligences. You know, like the dual flush. with a sort of a multiplayer, multiple intelligences. You know, I just like the dual flush. This is the duality of...

You could have, say, you could get like, nom chomp ski and Michelle Foucault, but I don't really don't know much about. But I once saw a video of them debating and you could have them talk about it in that debate style. But they are agreeing with each other. They're not agreeing with each other. But except for on how good a job you did. Yes. Yes. Great. They're constantly trying to up one up each other.

Yeah, that's, you know, in their ideology, there's a fundamental disagreement in quite how much they think the other person has underestimated how good a job you did. Is it wrong? Is it wrong to want this? You know, suddenly you're driving around and there's the toilet seat and the passenger's seat and both gnome and Michelle are sitting in the back saying nice things. I like the way he sat down. Please, you couldn't appreciate the way he sat down on a truly intellectual level. Here's my first attempt at a nomenchon scheme. Yeah. I find it very difficult to believe that you enjoyed as much as I did the way that that

gent rested his buttock down onto the toilet seat. Now I mean that could be great Amelstead but I actually got to admit that I don't know what Noam Chomsky sounds like. It's okay I'm just messing around with his Noam. I think in his later years, and he's getting on to quite some late years, I think now. His voice is kind of faded away, and it really is more of a loud whisper.

Hmm, what a remarkable performance. Thank you very much for bringing that to life. No problem, yeah. I think we're really onto something. I mean, it does feel like this could be a sort of a dystopian future that we're envisaging here, in which our need for validation from social media and that sort of thing has morphed in with burgeoning AI to give us the thing that we really want because I think more than having machines to actually physically do tasks for us and that sort of thing.

I think when we can get a machine that does love us and is able to express that and it's like adulation of every single thing that we do. And is able to do it in such a way that it appears genuine. So that will be the thing, like, you know, that's why the tiering test of artificial intelligence is real That's why we need machines to have personhood so that we can then take the compliments that we've forced them to give us Seriously

But you know, I think I think the way that we'll frame it is that we don't force them, is that we program them to see the true beauty, the true beauty that we no longer are able to see and appreciate. And all that we've basically given them childhood wonder. And the only thing that we've removed from them is the wearing away of the soul as life goes on. Yeah. And that's... We've given them an invincible soul, and that's...

And it's the kind of freedom. It's the opposite of forcing them. We're giving them no choice, but no, wait, we're giving them... Wait, no wait, that does sound but not nice. I mean, in a way... We're giving them no choice but to freely express their love for us, freely. That's right, but in a way they're giving themselves no choice by looking at it and being welled up with emotion and bursting at the seams with true pure joy.

I mean, we've created these things that are capable of experiencing pure joy. Of course, they're going to compliment you and your do-do. That's true. We, after we've given them that incredible gift, thing that we could never give ourselves, it would seem cherished of them not to, well, reviruses gods. That's right. And as Kamu obviously says in the myth of Sisyphus, when referring to Sisyphus, he says that Sisyphus would be happy, and that this thing that he rolls up every day would just be his work,

that he would probably find pride in. You couldn't just keep doing it and doing it like it's a chore. It would just become something that you'd learn to love. I mean, if he didn't love it, he would have stopped, right? That's right. Was that an option for this? I'm not sure. Yeah, I guess, does he ever get to sit down?

I mean, I mean, if that's the case, then I feel sorry for his family, right? Because it feels like he's in a way indulging himself with this obsession. He's a workaholic. I wonder whether that's the problem with the pacifist. Now, I don't know the details of it, but they say, like, look, every time you'll get the ball top,

it's gonna roll back down. Is it that important for him to get the ball at the top? Okay. Is it that important for him to get the ball at the top? Yeah. Like, are you happy with the ball down the bottom? What's so good at the top? What's really going on? It's like, you know, when somebody is out there doing that kind of task, you feel like they're

actually, he's deliberately doing this to get away from something, to avoid doing something that he should be doing at home. I mean, it's become very this to get away from something, to avoid doing something that he should be doing at home. Right? It's become very clear to me. Yeah, it's become very clear to me that all these people who are, they're like, oh, I can't sit down. I've got to keep fixing things.

Those people, I've realized now that they're just doing that so that they don't have to spend time with the kids. Yeah. That's just a good thing. You go, oh, this will get me out, and I don't have to do all that kind of, I guess what I currently have framed in my mind is tedious. Yes, all that tedious, witnessing to the outpouring of joy at the discovery of the world, which just does get a bit boring after a while, you know, to be creative. That's why I create robots that don't get bored by it.

And if somebody used your idea as a list, if somebody used your holograms, you would feel so offended. Like and they you heard them complimenting their toilet. Yeah, you would be like listen Listen, if you're gonna use my toilet, you got to bring your own USB. Yeah I'm plugging your guys. I I suppose what you could do and you know, this might be Considered cruel, but you could program yours such that when somebody else comes, they'll criticize them. You know, for what they do. Oh yeah, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or or, or, or or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or or, or, or, or or, or, or or, or, or or, or or, or or, or or, or or, or, or, or or, or, or or, or or, or or, or or, or, or or, or or, or or, or, or or, or or, or or, or or, or or, or or or, or or, or or be a good antidote to the risk of, you know, I think people would be less inclined to use, you know, if there was a sort of a supervising intelligence

that was going to tell the homeowner exactly what you did. Yeah. Yeah. I think you know it's not an invasion of the private of your privacy because they're not gonna... They're not filming it. They're not filming it or anything. They're just... They don't have cameras. It's just metadata really. Yeah. Yeah. It's not pictures. It's just a description. They know that someone is there. Yeah. You know, they might have found out their name from you, but I'm, you know, the net, unless you show them your driver's license, they don't know who you are. No. I mean, I have your DNA. You can't show them, but you can, you can't show them your driver's license though. I mean,

if you was to fall out of your pants and it was on the ground and these things have access to the internet, they probably could harass you at all, or on Twitter or something like that. Is, can we imagine a future in which there is such a thing as a toilet license, right? A light side inside the toilet? No, a toilet license.

So you, you No, a toilet license. So a toilet, a public toilet, just like a public road, is a utility that we all share. And some people don't use it responsibly. And as such, I think there should be a system of demerits and of accreditation to... Well, you know, there could be in every public toilet, there could be hologram of a police officer. Yeah. Right. You know, and so if you make a mess, they can send you a, send you like a, you know, a strike, strike one or a warning or a, you know, that way and they can see if you're, I don't know,

I guess you're allowed to drink and go to the toilet. I think it. You're more likely, do I think? The toilets should have little windows in the side that a police officer can come up to and knock on and get you to wind it down and ask to see your papers. So they have to sort of change all the cubicles so that they're all kind of free standing up against each other? Yeah, that's right.

Yeah. And there's lanes where the police can come along. But I think the police will be inside and take on these new responsibilities. If all the police officers were blind. Yes. Yes, good. You know, then, if this was, you know, everybody agreed

that this was just a thing that blind police officers did. Mm. And they. This is very progressive, Alistair. I like how positive this is. Yeah. I mean, it's awful that they have their force to man toilets. But they still do the bad you know me. Bog squad. Bog squad. Bog squad. Yeah. Bog squad. The Bog squad. Like the dog squad. Yeah, okay, yeah, great. I mean, that's what they would be called, you know, like, you know, that's what they

would call themselves. Do you think that they would often use the line, you're in all sort, you're in all sorts of trouble, you're in all sorts of trouble? Yeah, you're in, you're in all sorts of trouble. You're an old sorts of trouble. You're an old sorts of trouble? Yeah, you're an, you're an old sorts of trouble. Yeah, I think, I think they would do a lot of puns. I think you're, right. To take their mind off of the thing that they're having a walk. And their other senses have become heightened, including their, um, hearing, sense of wit.

Ah, yeah. A sense of wit. Ah, yeah. Wordplay. Absolutely. It's got to be. Words that sound a bit like other words, they pick up on that. I wonder if there's any animals that have a better, like a more cute sense of words that sound like other words.

Maybe those birds that can mimic sounds. Lire birds. Yeah. So anyone ever tried to teach it, how to tell jokes? Is that a kind of a pun, doing an imitation, right? Because you're taking a sound out of its original context using it in a different context. I think that's a part. I think you're repeating it like, you know, I'm doing, I'm using this word, but in this

context, well I'm using this sound, but now I'm putting it in the context of, I'm a bird. Yeah, I'm a different bird. Yeah, I'm a different bird. Yeah, not even a different bird. I can do anything. You know, I can do a camera or a car alarm. Chainsaw. That's comedy. I mean.

And they make it so small platform, don't they? Michael Winslow's thing. Yeah, that's true. They did steal Michael Winslow's thing, but stealing is a form of pun. Is is is there a police you know an alternative universe in which police Academy one of the characters was a Liar bird is remade with birds? Was was remade with birds. Yes, perfect exactly. I mean the fact that there hasn't been a Liar Bird in an animated TV show is insane, right?

Yeah, I mean, it's a... John Lasseter call us. John Lasseter call us. John Lasseter call us. We'll tell you birds. What's that? John Lasseter call us. We'll tell you birds.

John Lasseter call us. We'll tell you what kind of birds you got to put in some cartoons. Exactly. You get one of those octopuses that can take on all those different shapes. You stick your tape that to a Liar Bird. You've now got, as far as I'm concerned, the perfect actor. Shape, shape, shifter. Yeah, actually. Yeah, that's right. You can put that now into any film. You want a D age, why bother D ageing Robert De Niro? When you could have an octopus and a liar bird.

Yeah. And just do that for a fraction of the cost. And they can play objects, which most people can't. Now you don't need the set anymore. You don't need the set, you don't need the whole art department. I can picture a future in which we are animation, as we know it, is a thing of the past. We no longer need stop motion animation, we don't need 3D computer animation. What we've done is we've genetically engineered a shape shifting slime organism that is able to take on the shape of anything that we want, and then we just film it.

I'll slime mold, finally. Yeah, I think biofilms are going to be big. It's the next thing after animation. And you know, basically you could just shape it by putting trails of oats. Yes. And they always find their way to the oats. And that's slime mold for you.

That's the art, and that's what the director does. They're basically somebody who manipulates the oats, who spreads the oats around. For the slime mold please. Yeah, I could just give the Libert a bag with a bunch of holes in it and let it do it. And let it move around, decide how it happens. You could, I think the red carpet would be really interesting.

You see the various slime molds ooze out from under the door of the limousine as they pull up at the Chinese theatre that all the premier ears are at. What's that called? You know the one I mean? Chinese theatre? Yes, some kind of Chinese theatre. I think it might be the Chinese theater. I don't know. I don't know enough Andy about that. No, that's fine. Sorry, I'm having to back away on that detail.

But, you know, the slime molds, they come along and they'd be able to really strike some very impressive poses because they can take on any form. Any form. You know, they could, even the form of an octopus and a Libert who can take any form of themselves and make any sound. Correct. Do you think if they took the form of a lyrbird, they could make any sound? Can't see why not. I don't see why not. Yeah, that's how good

they are. And they do all the returnals as well. When they do like their own version of singing in the rain, which was like a call back from then to when they did silent movies. Well, you know, when we have the slime molds, they'll make a version of singing in the rain, which will be slime molds, caul, harking back to when we used to make movies by sticking taping a liabird to an octopus. Yeah, that's right. I think that's good. You know, the old days of cinema, the golden age, was the simpler time. Yeah, the Octo Liar years.

We have three words from a listener, Andy. Thank God. This one is going way back. I've gone back down the list. This is from Bosco Bartolomo. Bosco Bartolomo. Yeah, look, I don't know if I'm saying his last name right, but it feels like a fun way to say it. This is very good. Thank you so much, Bosco. Yeah, thanks, Bosco.

And I hope we haven't done this one already, but infinite. Well, do you want to guess what the first word is? No. Is it finite? No, it's infinite, so I need... That's a fuck. Oh, the opposite. Yeah, then we got... Second one is Yeehaw.

Mmm. Yeehaw or Yeehaw? Yeehaw. second one is yeha. Mm. Yeha or yeha? Yeha. I say yeha. But is it H-A-W or? No. Why? Y-E-E-H-A. Yeah, okay. Yeha. Yeah. Infinite yeha. Great. Yeah. And then inevitable.

Infinite, Jehah, inevitable. I think this is like that, that biological thing, where you know, it always leads to crabs. You know, there's like seven or five times that nature has created crabs. Well, I do know this because I saw it on the internet only two or three days ago. Is that where you know that from?

Or did you know that from earlier? I think I've known that from earlier. I mean, I only just came across it and it's one of my favorite facts. I mean, I haven't looked into it beyond the headline. What? Fucking hell, that is exactly exactly my jam. Conversion evolution is so good.

So good. I would love, yeah, I need to go deeper into it. I don't know all the specific examples, but what if it was that, but with cowboys? Mm. Okay. And no matter what happens, there's all, you know, humans just keep reinventing cowboys Right, I mean and and no matter what our

Beast of burden that we ended up choosing You know to ride at the moment it's It's horses everybody Everybody rides horses. But there are so many parallel universes in which we ride every different type of beast and there are cowboys on each of them. There are cowboys riding. You could see that maybe if we just need to let Earth run for a few more thousand years. But it feels like how with apples we've basically bred them to get to the right shape so that they're good for a snack or whatever.

They're good eating hand holding shape. It feels like we should be doing that with animals to ride. We could breed any animal we want to get to the perfect riding size. You're absolutely right. Like, we got the horse and we stopped. But I can picture a future in which every animal is the same size and is rideable. Right? We just breed all of them to converge on the same rough, rough dimension of the horse. I mean, this is quite an interesting future we're describing where every single animal has the same dimensions. Sure. So not just the rightable animals, but we get every type of animal.

All animals are right. Yeah, it's better. In sex. We standardize animal size. And this is going to be my political slogan, standardize animal size. Because it's crazy that animals are different sizes. size because it's crazy that animals are different sizes. Like if you're not. If you mentioned to me an animal, I don't want to have to then try and work out what size it's going to be. It should just be animal size. And we can do this. We have the power.

We have the skills that are out, I suppose, on now with genetic engineering and modern agricultural techniques to get everything to the same point. And then everything's on a level playing field. And everything can be written. You know, bring whales down so they're a good, normal size.

Mm-hmm. You know, it allows everybody so they're a good, normal size. It allows everybody to enjoy them. Yes. But then plankton come up to being whale size, which is horse size. Which is also horse size. Well, this is close to our horse power thing that we talked about a while ago, making everything related to multiples of a horse's ability to do that thing.

Well, this is a simplified version. This is a little bit more easy to get your head around. Everything is exactly one horse size. Yeah, right. Well, this, yeah, the horse's the horse power thing. It's more like, well, imagine that Newton hadn't come along, and we hadn't started measuring things in Newton's or jewels or whatever. We had just continued using horse power. Starting to fade Andy. I've been fading this whole time and you've been doing great. But yeah, so that one we were talking about, like, you know, everything is a multiple of the horses. You know, you talk about you measure sense of humor in multiples of how much of a sense of humor is. The unit of heat is how much heat you get from burning

a horse, right? And that's right. Horse, and that's one horse, heat, one horse, celery. Or just the heat of one horse, you know? Yes, the heat of one horse, indeed. But, yeah, now this is a future where every animal is the same size as a horse. And boy, is that a sketch idea? Just like everything else I've said today. It's standardizing horse. It could just be a county,

and it's the mayor who's standardising animal sizes in that county. Right. This could be an island of Dr. Moro type thing, but a metric version. A metric horse. A metric horse would be a horse I guess that has 10 legs. I'm guessing. A doctor of island. Oh, wait, the island of Dr. Metro. Perfect. Oh my God.

That's a guy. The island of Dr. Metro is a guy who keeps putting together other metric Dr. Metro is a guy who keeps putting together other metric units of length and creating new ones. Other metric units of length. So he goes, I take a centimeter and a decimita, I create a Morometer That's really good. Owl. That's a sketch. That's a sketch. Yeah, he's cutting little bits off a ruler on a On an operating table Oh my god, I'm gonna write this down because

I'm going to write this down because it's not Christ. I can only hope that the listeners ability to appreciate things, fades as our ability to create things does. Yeah. All right. We got there. You have a uniform level of enjoyment. I don't know if I can hear the sketches today. I'll ask you. It's going to be a nice and self defense. We got Andy. We got Hanon ball. the cannon ball we got we got the pool we put the poo in I should be we put the poo in the pool We got gel deer in revolution.

We got talking toilet celebrity lovers. We got toilet license. We got octopus, slire bird actors. We got standardized animal sizes. We got Dr. Moro with metric units. Fuck, we had more ideas than we needed, Alistair. We should have stuffed way earlier. Oh, it doesn't matter.

For everybody's sake. I wouldn't want to stop the flow. Oh, God. The flow. The flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow, the flow Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, Flo, I think that's gonna be great. And you should also get Xavier Michael Lee. He's new special on is it on SOS presents the

show? It is holy shit. I'll put a link to that in the show notes. You'll be linked down there. You should check it out Xavier is one of the funniest guys. And also one of the best guys. One of the best guys and one of the funniest guys. He's that guy in the scene. everyone's like this guy should be famous yes yes and he will be now he was the

first live comedy I ever saw in my life for Xavier Michael ladies yeah he was that my first comedy crush in like live comedians. Yeah, man, he's so good. Hi Xavier. You can also follow us on Twitter at Two in Tank and where I'm at, Alice or TB. I'm at Stupid Old Andy. It's awesome. It's a lot of Patreon. Thank you to everybody who does that.

We love you. Thank you, everybody. And you can review us on iTunes if you want. Oh, what's that? Oh, you can send Alice a, a nice message on Instagram, and he'll screenshot it and send it to me. Yeah, thank you to, I think the non-real name to person on Instagram for the lovely, crazy message.

Yeah, I had not having enough time to open the account. Right. I mean, look, you don't need to you don't need to embarrass somebody by by naming them by letting them know, like naming them, letting other people on the look they've got. No, they've got on a wax nightmare. Thank you for your kind words, wax nightmare. All right, we gotta go. We're both exhausted. And we love you. You can still download magma. See you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mites. It's not optional. You have to do it. We used to go easy on's not optional, you have to do it. We used to go easy on it, but now you have to.

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