Two In The Think Tank - 26 - "DOG NEGOTIATOR"

Episode Date: November 2, 2013

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It's Tuesday the 17th of Westember. I'm here with you and it's good to be enjoyed. God, it's good to be enjoyed. God, it's good to be enjoyed. I've been enjoyed several times since my youth. And it's a pleasure. Almost every single time has been nothing but a joy. It has filled me with joy, as the verb states. In joy. Yeah. It has filled me with joy as is the as the verb states. In joy. To fill with joy. And when you enjoy

you are filling yourself with joy and possibly others. Yeah. You You're filling others with joy. Maybe.

It sounds yeah. Alright. Yeah. At the end of the podcast we shouldn shouldn't say, thanks for listening. We should say, thanks for enjoying the podcast. We should say, thanks for having the time of your lives enjoying our podcast. I don't think that's too arrogant to say. But also, you're saying that they're doing the work, putting the fun into the podcast. I am.

And people who have listened to the very first episode of the podcast will know what we're talking about. Because we also discussed the literal meaning of the concept to enjoy something in the first episode. God, it just feels so long ago, doesn't it? Yeah. Like months. It definitely feels like months ago. It's good that we're having a callback now. Do you think we should finish the podcast?

Maybe this is the last episode. Guys, this is the last episode of the podcast. We're tying up all the loose ends. Yeah, we'll tie it up and then... Although this is like the Arrested Development 14 episodes thing that came out. Yep. We're going to tie it up over the course of the remaining episodes. Yeah.

The next 14 episodes. The next 14. Yeah. This is the beginning of the end. But also, over the next 14 episodes. The next 14. This is the beginning of the end. But also, over the next 14 episodes, you're very rarely going to hear me and Alistair on the same podcast. In the past, this has been an ensemble thing,

but because of the deal we've got with Netflix, it's going to be hard to get both of us together in the same room. So we're going to focus a lot more on our individual stories. Yeah, and like The Maid. Was The Maid still on there? Lupe?

What's her name? Oh, I don't remember her at all. You know what? I didn't watch any of the 14 episodes. You didn't watch any of them? I haven't watched any of them yet. Yeah. Okay.

And yeah, for a long time you were going around aggressively trying not to have them spoiled for you by people. And I still will do that. Yeah. Why would I want it spoiled? I think after a certain point you forfeit your right to have it spoiled. No, you don't. But you clearly don't want to watch the show i do want to watch it got no interest in it andy i'm super interested if you i'm if you i'm if you're if you're not prepared to put aside

the time to watch even one 23 minute episode or whatever it is of arrested development yeah then i'm sorry you don't deserve to have surprise in your life. Wow. Yeah. In terms of things that are the meanest you've ever said, how high does that rank? You don't deserve to have surprise in your life? Yeah, because I haven't put the time aside to see Arrested Development, the Netflix series.

Yeah, okay. It's probably in the top 15 nasty things I've ever said. Yeah. If I think about it. Yeah. What that truly means, that you don't deserve novelty. Yeah, I don't deserve to enjoy things because I haven't done them yet. Yeah.

I think you've got to get your shit together, Alistair. You've got to sort yourself out. You're right. You've got to get your shit together, Alistair. You've got to sort yourself out. You're right. You've got to spoil it for yourself. Yes, and I also need to, you know... Hey, look, I thought about this a second ago, before. Does shitting affect your psychology? Deeply.

Yeah? Yeah, I think so. No, but do you find it clears your head? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, absolutely. I cannot so. No, but do you find it clears your head? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, absolutely. I cannot think right now.

Yeah. Because I... I am backed up to here. Yeah. And for those listening, I'm indicating to the top of my head. Yeah. Yeah, I've got... I'm turtlenecking, but in the opposite direction. I'm turtletailing right now.

I'm turtle... Oh, yeah. Turtleneck goes... Turtlenecking? No, sorry. Turtle. I'm just turtling, isn't it? Turtle necking is a jumper.

That would mean that you had shit wrapped around your neck. Like really tight all day long. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be weird. I'm not turtle necking. I'm turtling. A turtle head.

I got the peak of a little turd. Like just up at my epiglottis Just brushing my epiglottis I mean it's really any turtle limb Yeah You know Because they all go in and out That's true They're all very similar

Yeah I'm turtle limbing I'm any I'm turtle appendaging Yeah Right now Doesn't matter what it is Doesn't matter

You name it It's poking at me arsehole Yeah But I find like It feels like I've rid my body of poisons Yeah, right Sometimes it feels like poison Yeah, I think like you can get blood poisoning

If you don't Like if you go long enough without doing a shit Like, there are How about there's a sketch about a guy who goes to the doctor And The guy's trying to find out what's wrong with him. And then the doctor goes, oh, you know you have to shit, right? What?

Yeah. 32 years old. I'm only just learning. No, you go to the toilet to pee, right? It's for peeing. No. No. You also have to shit.

Oh, there's another thing? Well, how does anybody have any time to do anything? So then this gigantic growth on my ass is not a growth, it's just a stockpile of things I haven't got rid of yet. Yeah. That's, like, what's he been using

his asshole for if not for shooting? Let's not speculate. Well, maybe he doesn't even know it was there. Doesn't even know. Because when do you

ever get to see it? Yeah. If you don't, if you don't shit, you've got no reason to wipe your ass. Yeah. So your hands would have no reason really to go back there. To go there, yeah. Yeah. If you don't, if you don't shit, you've got no reason to wipe your ass. So your hands would have no reason really to go back. To go there. Yeah. Yeah. And plus, and plus the more comfortable part to put the rest of your hand is sort of on the cheek.

And so he probably, even if he was headed there at any, at any point, which I'm sure he would rarely do that. He'd be waylaid by the cheek. Yeah. He'd be like, Oh no, this is a, I'm happy to stop here. This is fine here, why would I go on? Yeah, why would... I've already reached contentment. Yeah. Like people who settled in, like,

I don't know, like Adelaide? They went, oh, this was good enough? Yeah. I mean, I suppose there's no point going further inland and seeing if there's anything better. Exactly. Like, you know, the pioneers in the Wild West, why did they keep pushing west?

Why didn't they just settle on the east coast? Yeah. No, they had to head on into the asshole of the country. Into the asshole of the country. Why didn't they just rest on the cheek? Yeah, they could have, and they didn't. Cheek of America. And I'm sure they all feel bad about it.

There's nothing worse than living inland. Oh. Yeah, you're absolutely right. Why would you ever live inland? I'm sorry if you're inland and you're listening to this, but have you guys heard about the coast? Yeah. I mean, do you guys even

know that you need to shit? How ignorant are you of the fundamental pleasantries of life? Water. Enormous bodies of water. Coolness. Breeze. Not being covered in dust.

Lower suicide rates. Yeah, that's probably true. And that great feeling of having salt in your hair and it kind of just holds together and makes you look like a surfie. Yeah. Guys, you're missing out on all of that. The coasts, right? Fish and chips, beach balls, sand in your crotch, you know?

Box jellyfish. You know, like sometimes, because let's say you live inland, people see sand in the house, they go, what the fuck is with all this sand in the house? And now I have to spend all this time cleaning it up, right? But on the coast, sometimes you meet people whose houses, it doesn't even matter if there's sand in there, because they live so close to the beach, and you never have to clean it up. And it's the best. It's the best, guys.

You don't have to sweep sand out of your house because you've just resigned yourself to it. Yeah, and it's great. It's great. You just have a little thing set up next to your bed so that you can wipe your feet before you get, you know, you just wipe your feet down with your sock before as you get into bed.

Yeah. Right? No sand in the bed. Sand on the ground doesn't necessarily mean sand in the bed, right? This is all the kind of good stuff you can get when you live on the coast. Do you reckon we could have a sketch

where the government just tells people to move from inland? Why? Because it's shit. Yeah. Do I have a policy for the bush? Yes.

What are you doing in the bush? Sell. Yeah. We'll sell it to chinese interests yeah sure if they you can convince them that it's a good idea well we can okay because because it'll be the you know it's you know the center of a of america is the asshole of america the center of australia will be the mouth of China because that's where they'll grow all their food okay in their mouth

in their well they haven't brushed their teeth for a while yeah I mean that's the great thing about not brushing your teeth and having all this

kind of like fungus and bacteria grow is that eventually you'll be able to just sustain yourself off of the fungi like you know you won't have to just sustain yourself off of the fungi.

Like, you won't have to be going around licking rocks to get lichen in your mouth. People are all about this permaculture and these micro gardens. Okay, guys, it doesn't get much smaller than the gaps between your molars. Yeah, absolutely. And all you need is like a little bit of food to get it started, a little culture going, and just sustains itself and you know eventually your your gums will start rotting away and chunks will fall in there and that'll keep you going you know and then the thing great thing will be once you break through the uh the sort of the you know the what's with all the gum flesh is gone. Then your nose and the mucus will just pour directly onto your

tongue, right, and down the back of your throat. And so then you'll be able to sustain off of that as well. You know how many kilojoules is in a loogie? Oh, this is the most horrible discussion I've ever been a part of. Yeah. Well, you did one of the worst insults you've ever done.

Oh, I did. This is great. We are pushing boundaries. I think there's... Is there a Buddhist thing about you should always be surprised? Is that a thing? I don't know. I don't think so.

I've never heard that. Okay. That would be a great tenet don't know. I don't think so. I've never heard that. That would be a great tenant for a religion. Yeah. Always be surprised. Oh, here's a bowl of rice. Oh my God, a bowl of rice.

Well, that's great. Oh my God. Mmm, the flavor of rice is incredible. Another bowl of rice? I mean, what are the odds? Two bowls of rice. One bowl of rice.

I mean, that was surprising enough. But a second one to come along? I mean, what are the odds? Two bowls of rice. One bowl of rice. I mean, that was surprising enough. But a second one to come along? I mean, they say lightning never strikes twice. But look at this. Two bowls of rice. A third bowl of... Okay. Okay, what is this? What is going on? What's great is when you eat it, it makes you full or something. It makes you feel like you're not hungry anymore. This is

great. Oh, time passing. I love that. Oh, my God. A dog. Always be surprised. Yeah, always be surprised. Maybe not. Maybe that was just a joke I read in a book somewhere.

You know, one of those great jokes about Buddhists always being surprised. But, I mean, that's a fun idea. That's a religion in there. Can we... Because I kind of like that as a little side thing that happens, let's say, in the background of a story. You know, like stories, right? Yeah. They're mostly happening in the foreground.

But occasionally, things come in from the side or background. Yeah, and are played out. Yeah, and are played out. And you kind of, like, you know, they just enter in and enter out or whatever. Enter out. The, yeah, and I think one idea

that a guy has joined a cult or religion where the main tenet is to be really surprised, is to be always surprised. Yeah. Yeah, the shocked Buddhists. Yeah i i think that's good yeah uh the and the you know i think we would it would be fun to witness one of their

their uh uh religious ceremonies maybe there's a guy up the front with a book a priest or something and every time he turns the page he's's like, oh, look at this. And then he goes on. And now he's saying something about loving each other. I did not see that coming. And the crowd's constantly going, oh. Oh. Wow.

Where's he going with this? Anyway, come back next week. Who knows what will happen? Every birthday becomes a surprise birthday party You guys You guys didn't come What? You guys didn't come to my birthday

Okay Well it's a surprise birthday The surprise is nobody came Yeah But it's a surprise That is surprising I expect I expect a surprise. That is surprising. I expect a surprise birthday party every year.

That's why every year, every birthday is a surprise birthday because nobody ever organizes a surprise birthday party for me. This is a thing we were talking just on the previous podcast, which will not be released. Yeah, well, it was a previous 15 minutes but i do want to mention this uh we were talking about orchestras and orchestra pits and how the orchestra pit was invented when somebody put an orchestra in a pit tried to get rid of them i think they realized the acoustics was really yeah yeah but i think the idea the thing is uh the discovery that you can't actually get rid of an orchestra.

Because even if you throw them in a pit, it just makes them stronger. They just thrive in that environment. In a hole in the ground. They're like a... A plant. Yeah, or like a farm of worms. Yeah. You know, you think you can get rid of them by throwing them into some landfill or something like that.

And they just thrive they like i think maybe because putting a you know orchestra thing is a you know like learning to play an instrument like that it's a very solitary pursuit right and so you put them in a pit and it's like wow like you're you're taking them away from the regular world and then suddenly this is the place where they've grown. This is where they've thrived throughout their lives. It's like putting a bear in a cave. Yeah, he's going to thrive. He's going to thrive in there. Put that bear in a cave and he's going to do all right for himself.

And so then suddenly they're like, I know what to do, and they start playing. And then just having the walls that focus focus the sound you know uh in the in the direction of the hole yeah uh and then it just becomes more beautiful like uh i want to draw some sort of a parallel between throwing orchestra members into an orchestra pit and throwing christians to the. Okay? Is that right? Christians to the lions in the Colosseum or something? See, lions thrive in a pit. They do.

They're like lions when they have access to Christians. Access to Christians. Occasionally, you would throw Christians to the orchestra. And they tear it apart and they keep playing? Yeah, exactly. That's great. I wonder, like if you were sending people to Mars on a thing to not come back,

maybe an orchestra. Because I think they'd just be good at isolating themselves you know working together yeah they could I think they'd like like that long periods of time they'd get a lot of practice done yeah by the time they get there they could they could do the works of Debussy oh yeah or Shostakovich and so they they could record on the way and so like you know yeah first of all they're good at passing the time right really well second of all when they interbreed between them as you know they're bound to right they're gonna be really strict

with their kids and getting them like you know they're the kind of people who can really get their kids to do stuff. It's like you have to practice every day. If we send just regular tradies over there, things like that, teach your kids to smoke on the way there to Mars, then everybody will have lung respiratory disease. Exactly. Wasting precious oxygen. We don't need that. The orchestra, they will just get better, and the generations to come will be genetically

a lot less diverse, but musically really focused. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, they might be really, they might be diverse, because, I mean, orchestras are very multicultural. This might be a fun sentence. I don't like to think of myself

as inbred. I like to think of myself as genetically focused. Yeah. I'm narrow banding it. Yeah, exactly.

I'm nailing it down. It's like a racing stripe of genes. Yeah. Because it is it? Yeah. Because it's just so thin. It's just like, you know, it's just thin along the...

That doesn't really make sense. Not really. That's fine. But it's consistent. Yeah. That's the main thing. In that it doesn't... Nothing has made sense. Yeah. So far I've got guy who didn't know he had to shit. Yep.

And I've also got always be surprised religion. Could there be a family, like, with the guy who doesn't know he needs to shit? Like, the thing of your debt, like, because sex is a thing that we've decided is awkward in society and you have to have the talk or whatever where you get it explained to you. Okay. Could there be a family or something where they have to have the talk where your dad sits you down and explains to you about shitting?

Because I think shitting is definitely more gross than sex. Yeah. Right? Like... Yeah, there's like less... There's less potential for embarrassment because it's by yourself. Yeah.

And so you can really spend some time practicing on your own. But... But yeah. Like when boys get to about 12, 13, I mean, a lot of them start to experiment with shitting themselves and they're probably very confused. Yeah. But... Especially because now they've got hair down there. No, but like, look, I think maybe dad yeah the guy the guy talks to the to the um to the doctor and the doctor's like you have to you don't know about excreting

yeah or whatever how's your stool you go what and then and then he goes well i don't think i'm the one to talk to you about this. I'm going to call your parents and let them know. And then, you know, like this kind of like almost elder looking man. Yeah. You know, has to come in and sit on the end of the bed with the guy. Son, I just, I never got around to it. Yeah.

And I was too embarrassed. Yeah. But you need to shit. You've got to go poo-poo. And then he gets them a little, like he explains it to them and everything. It's got to, like, things are going to come out. What? I didn't know it was there.

Yeah, like instead of that thing where, like, you put the condom on a banana or whatever to teach about it. Like, you unpeel a banana and you push it through. Yeah, yeah. Or he's got like a balloon that he's put an orange in it and he's just squeezing it out of the... That would be fun to see like a montage like without any actual talking

but just of all that the dad trying to explain the process of shitting to his son. Like, I don't know, just like holding up his two fingers, like doing an upside down peace sign and kind of just like having his other finger go down. Yeah. Like that. Or like, yeah, it starts, it looks like it's a, it's a sex thing.

Like he's putting a finger into, into the hand, like the hand circle, put the finger in, but then the hand goes through and out the other side, then falls into the hand like the hand so if you put the finger in but then the hand goes through and out the other side then falls into the football yeah actually the thing with the you know the condom on the banana yeah

yeah that you could just I guess maybe that's already what you said but where you just squeeze the the condom the banana back out of the condom yeah out of the condom

oh it's so gross. A little montage of that, yeah. Yeah. I think that's fun. Yeah, okay, a montage of Dad, like, put that as the coda, the little epilogue. Montage. Oh, epilogue. Dead.

True. And, like, maybe he would, like, take him actually to the toilet and, like, lift up the lid and just show him. Yeah, get some one of those little pots, potties.ies yeah you can do it in his room i don't know yeah there's a there could be like a video that he shows him like a like something you would get in sex ed at school okay not like two girls one cup yes two girls one cup and then and he's like now don't do all of this

I just want to show you what's possible yeah like yeah but you wouldn't yeah like

now okay don't do the part where they put it in their mouth that's I haven't even watched two girls one cup

no me neither but two girls one cup is like that's a real those guys are those girls are they have virtuosos they are real prodigies of weird sex stuff no no that that's been around for a long while no all right yeah i watched did i tell you about this like oh it's actually not really that pleasant but i watched a documentary with like the woman, one of the women who was like one of the pioneers of actual scat eating stuff in Germany.

Right. Yeah. They called her the woman with the pig stomach. Anyway, look, there's an interview with her. It goes for a long time. It's quite interesting, but it goes for a long time it's quite interesting but it's pretty disgusting yeah and um you don't see anything but yeah you know what don't look it up don't you know what no forget it yeah you don't need that you don't need that

in your life if anything i've already done too much i've done like i've done it's like the opposite of somebody ruining the end of something yeah for you it's like rather like yeah it's like telling you that it exists and i'm not telling you the end of it and then you go oh well now i'm not gonna enjoy watching that yeah it's um i tell you that it exists and you go oh now i'm not gonna be able to enjoy the rest of life because i know about that. Yeah. You've ruined the start of something for me by telling me that it starts. Yeah. If you came out and you told me things that didn't exist, I would have been happier. Andy, these are the videos that don't exist.

There's no documentary about a man who puts whale blubber up his anus. That's actually really interesting. What you made me think of while you were saying that was, it's like, this would be a thing that I would like, maybe you could do as a bit of stand-up, but people are always arguing about religion and stuff like that, and people are like, stop telling people that God doesn't exist.

You know, it's like, it's not your place or whatever. Like, that's like, no, no, no. I would rather be told that things don't exist. It's hockey season and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those.

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See app for details. Have things removed from the possibility of the world. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. have stuff taken out. There's already too many awful things in my mind. I would rather you take some of those out rather than add new ones that are... Yeah, like we're constantly going through life and finding out about new things that we don't know about. The world always gets bigger, right? And there's always some new thing that, by the way, there's

also this, and there's also this, and this horrible thing happens, and this amazing thing happens, and there's more to learn about this and this and this but there should be a somewhere where you can go and there's a guy just there who just just just listing stuff that doesn't exist you don't have to worry about okay it never rains cheesels yeah well that's good okay thank god and you can assure me of that 100 100 99 We know that with scientific certainty. Okay? As much as we know anything, we know that.

As much as we know, yeah, that gravity exists, that there's oxygen in the air, studies have shown that chisels never fall from the sky. Okay. Also, dogs cannot drive. They can't drive. Anything? Anything. But I saw a dog riding a skateboard once.

But that's riding, isn't it? That's not driving. Yeah, yeah. Oh, thank God. I think... They can drive cattle. That's true. And a hard bargain. Oh. They can drive cattle. That's true.

And a hard bargain. I sold a couch to a dog on Gumtree. I did not get what I was hoping to get for that couch. I mean, he showed up. And once he was there, I just wanted it gone. And in the end, he gave... I said, $800. And he said, nothing. I said, $800. And he said, nothing. I said, $600.

And he just gave me a blank look. Yeah. $200. Please. I'll give you $100 and I'll drive it to you. A dog who's really good at negotiating is fantastic. A dog who just stares at you. Like, he doesn't talk at all and he just looks at you and you just he just bargains you down

that's great can we have that as a sketch yeah that they send in the negotiator yeah yes we can yeah absolutely also uh possibility for an expansion or alternative to that is people have a helper dog, right? A dog who helps them with stuff in their lives, like picking up the phone and stuff. That's a thing, right? Maybe. But I'm just picturing it going, ha-ha. And then walking over to you like yeah because somehow you're sitting down but you've just got the phone over there can't we get a dog

to do this can't someone and a government agency spend months training a dog to pick up the phone for me. Yeah. Government agency. It's a committee came up with that. We could have moved the chair closer to the thing, but yeah. Let's just train a dog to get the phone. We could move the table or we could train a dog. Train a dog.

If we don't spend this money next year, we't get it yeah but then like in a some kind of a corporate type environment where there's like a corporate helper dog and he does filing for you or something and stapling stapling can you work a staple remover like one of those things I feel like dogs mouths are very close to being a staple remover

aren't they yeah we just made staples slightly larger I heard of those German Shepherds I mean this is a myth that they

some police dogs they really remove their teeth and exchange them with titanium teeth I don't think it's even a myth I don't think that's even made it to be a myth remove their teeth and exchange them with titanium teeth. I don't think it's even a myth. I don't think that's even made it to be a myth yet. Why do I have that in my mind?

Did I dream that? No way. Actually, I do have visuals in my mind. It could be completely a dream. Yeah, it seems unlikely. But if you did do that, then the dog can completely remove staples With his teeth

Yeah, and staplers There's a staple remover There's a staple There's a staple remover There's a stapler remover And there's a staple remover remover Yeah, I like the idea of a stapler remover Yeah

And it's another big metal thing You pick up the stapler And then take it to your desk. Yeah. Write it down. The stapler remover. Stapler. I don't know if there's...

It's not really so much a sketch, is it? No. Well, maybe it is. It's a tiny visual. It's a tiny little sketch, yeah. Yeah. One of the smallest. A sketchette. It's a tiny visual. It's a tiny little sketch, yeah. Yeah. One of the smallest. A sketchette.

Oh. Right? Yeah. You like that? Yeah. We're branching out. Micro. Nano sketch.

We're creating subcategories of sketch that you didn't even know existed. Well, that's the thing. You keep going down and down and down. There's always a smaller sketch. I wonder what the smallest unit of sketch is. Could be. The smallest unit of comedy is probably the fart.

Maybe. Can you think of anything that's simpler than a fart that would make you laugh? Hesitation? Just a pause. But that requires so much context. Yeah. I think just hesitation in isolation.

Yeah. If you saw someone hesitate in space, I was trying to put the hesitation in a vacuum. Right. But then space is so vast that it's hard for it to be nothing. I mean, it's a lot of nothing, if anything. But I would say that space is definitely a context. Yeah. If anything. But I think, I would say that like space is definitely a context. Yeah.

No, I know. For the purposes of comedy. But in terms of density. Yeah. Context density. Like it's, yeah. It's got less context per square,

per cubic meter. Yeah. Than anywhere else. It's as close as we're going to get to an absolute context list. But like, yeah, but I guess a context out of I don't know far out of context like I think it's gonna be funny yeah okay yeah all right

small strange isn't it okay I'd like to see what about a snot bubble? It's more gross than anything. Yeah, yeah. I think... But the thing about hesitation, I think it would be fun watching a sketch show, okay, and then there's just a cutaway

to just a guy going, just hesitating slightly. Yeah. I think people would laugh at that yeah yeah like because yeah

especially with with most pre-recorded shows yeah or all pre-recorded sort of scripted shows you don't see a lot of hesitation

with what's going to come next that's the kind of thing that they would probably try and cut out yeah a lot of hesitation with what's going to come next. That's the kind of thing that they would probably try and cut out. Yeah. You could do vox pops. Yeah. And like you only put in the bit at the start

where people are just about to say something. Just thinking. Or you give them a choice between two things and they have to just take the part where they're deciding.

That would be really funny to just get a really quick glimpse of people on the street being presented with two options and hesitating as they're about to choose. Because the options are so completely different. So one is an orange and one is a steamroller and they're just there, A and B. And you just see them going, ah. Yeah. and one is a steamroller, and they're just there, A and B, and you just see them going, ah. Yeah, or something like one thing is really good, and one thing is like one's a wad of cash, and the other one is like, you know. A squashed rat.

Yeah, or like a steaming pile of crap. Sure. Yeah. And, you know, I know money is really dirty and it has a lot of fecal matter on it. So maybe that's where the hesitation is. But I think it would be just great to get shots of people picking up the money whilst looking at the steaming pile.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I think that's definitely a thing. And I think you could write that down as just like the Vox Pop, like, really ridiculous choice scenario. And it's just such a short thing. And it's just that moment of them thinking about it. And the audience is left to consider why are they being given this choice?

And why do they hesitate at all? Like, why is there any uncertainty in their minds? Yeah. So there are the two options, two ways of going with it. Your one, which is the really good thing and the really bad thing. And then my one, which is just the two things which are like, it's impossible to say

why you would be given a choice between those two things. Yeah, it's like just asking somebody, what do you prefer, caramel or like... Tuesdays. Yeah, sky. I love that stuff. Yeah, Sky. I love that stuff. Yeah, that's really cool.

There's something to me about like, yeah, about, right, a bog. I mean like... The early works of Hitchcock. Yeah. Salad tongs or a block of pavement. Yeah. You've got no,

we've got no criteria for judging that, right? Yeah. Like it's, it's not possible. It's contextless. Cause it's not even a, like a,

a would you rather, right? Like a would you rather is, well, okay, well then you can say one is useful. What do you choose? But like, what do you rather is, well, okay, well then you can say one is useful. What do you choose? But like, what do you prefer?

It's really like exercising choice. Yeah, but... You're just choosing. But you would not evolve for that kind of choice. That's never... Like, which one do you choose? Based on what? Based on these two options.

Based on the options and like what questions there's there's no questions you could ask yeah because you know what salad servers are you know what a block of pavement is there's no more information just which do you prefer yeah that's yeah that's fun that's that's really silly um i saw a really good bit of comedy the other day. Oh, yeah. Which was just, like, Ricky Gervais, the way that he's got Carl Pilkington is just, it's just such a goldmine. Because he, so what it was that they did, and my parents sent me this, and I was like, fuck, my parents sent me something that I thought was a genuinely great piece of comedy all it is well what it is it's

just he there's Ricky Ricky set it up that it's him and Carl and that they're gonna be doing language classes so it's gonna be for people to watch and they're gonna be teaching people who are international or you know speak English were English right but there's no like, so they're like, so yeah, this is what we're doing. There's no structure at all. Nothing at all. And so then they go, like, watch.

Or no, he starts by just annoying. He goes, bald. His head looks like an orange. Carl is bald. He is bald. He's got a big egg head. He's like, why are you telling him that? Why do they need to learn that?

You've got to teach him something, like, something, like, why are you telling them that? Why do they need to learn that? You've got to teach them something practical. Yeah. And it's just great. Because he just goes with it because he's an idiot. Yeah. Because he just thinks this is genuinely what he's doing. Yeah. And he deals with it for what it is.

Yeah. Like, in the moment, exactly what is coming at him. Like, there's no other levels. There's no irony or subtlety or anything. It's just, this is what I'm being presented with. This is my opinion on it. Why would you do that? Yeah, there's just a slight thing missing.

And it's just, ah, it's so good. Like, what a gem that he's found. It's like he's brought this guy who's a complete outsider to the comedy world. And he will just take everything at face value. And then, like, it just allows him to, like, just to be, he's completely himself. Yeah.

Like, and that's what we're just loving. Like, it's just, and all his justifications for everything are so stupid. Like, but they all have a logic. And it's just, oh. Anyway, so if anyone wants to watch something that's really funny yeah yeah um the the there's this is somehow my mind has gone to this yeah but like the idea of um government being forced with forced to make these kinds of choices like not not maybe not quite the thing about, like,

would you rather, like, pavement or salad tongs? But, like, we've definitely got things in our lives which are like, you know, the national emblem or the floral emblem. We've got this numbat or this flower, right, as being the symbol of our state or our country. So, like, would it be fun to just see a section of the parliamentary discussion where they're trying to work out what is Australia's favourite colour

or what we like about this or that? What's our favourite thing? This is the thing we started. It's kind of like a thing we discussed in the past about having this idea of a kind of like a thing we we discussed in the past about having like this idea of a sort of like that that that 2020 summit or not a thing that they were that they had set up or whatever the government where it's like we're gonna have like people from a cross section of the community sitting around and making decisions about australia's kind of future and

things like that like you know uh they got okay we got to come up with a new uh or we got a national anthem yeah or yeah aust or Australia's favorite color. Yeah. And just the discussions that would go behind that, I find that would be great. Yeah. Because all arguments are going to be so silly. Yeah, and so personal and divorced from reality. And, you know, there's a chance it would be satire, but I don't see that as being essential to it.

No, yeah. It's mostly just silly. Yeah. Right? Can I write that down? Even though it's a thing we kind of worked on with other people before. Is it? I don't remember that at all. That was the thing we did with Ollie and... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We were talking about a think tank that would just be confronted with bizarre scenarios that they would have to try and solve. Yeah, yeah. Like, okay, so... That's right. Oh, this is something different.

Yeah, but like, oh, this person is coming to town, you know, from overseas. Let's say... You know, let's say... Andre Rieu? Andre Rieu. Yeah. He's coming, and we've got to give him a present. Australia's got to give him a present.

Yeah, okay. What is Australia going to get him? Get him as a gift, like that. That's really good. Yeah. At the end of the episode, do we give him a voucher? Yeah, like, yeah. A sanity voucher.

By the way, that was a great joke when you did that on stage. Oh, thanks. The $20 sanity voucher. By the way, that was a great joke when you did that on stage. Oh, thanks. The $20 sanity voucher. Yeah, it was the... The Guinness Book of World Records actually holds the world record for the least imaginative gift to give a 13-year-old boy ever since the demise of the $20 sanity voucher. Look, from my years of living in Australia, which is 16,

that really touches the foundations of what I know about what it is to be Australian. It's all in there. Sanity, vouchers, going in there, looking through their t-shirts. Can we get maybe

a voucher voucher? Like a voucher that you can use to buy any voucher. Yeah, because that way, you know, because you want the person to spend money at a shop. Yeah. Right. But sometimes it's too difficult to say which shop. Yeah, because you don't want him spending it, you know, giving it to homeless people or, you know, dropping it. Yeah.

you know, dropping it. Yeah. I think that there are vouchers that like you can get where you can use it at Kmart or at Woolworths or like, you know, it's just anything within this conglomerate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Westfield type ones. So like, yeah, you can get a Westfield thing and then it's just like anything within Westfield which goes, you know. I don't want to tell you

which shop to buy it in, but I do want to tell you which complex you're going to go and buy your birthday present. It just felt rude giving you like a wad of cash, $300.

I'm just narrowing it down to a particular geographical region. Yeah, yeah. I'm only going to buy you a Fitzroy voucher. You can buy something anywhere in Fitzroy.

All right. You can... Okay, how about this? A voucher, you can only buy blue things. You can spend it anywhere, but the thing has to be blue. Yeah. Yeah. Just a to be blue. Yeah.

Just a voucher shop. Yeah, just more elaborate vouchers. Yeah, I like that a lot. More elaborate. It's such an offensive idea, the voucher. Isn't it? Is it offensive? I don't know, but it's just

the essence of laziness. Which is fine. I've bought people vouchers in the past, and I've received vouchers and been happy. But you realize that you're giving me a little token of your laziness or exactly how little you know me, right? Like the more general the voucher, the less you know the person you're giving it to. Sorry, here we go. Thank you for filling that time while I also wrote down. You also wrote down the thing about the Australia trying to...

Yeah, I wrote, Australia think tank, Andre Ryu is coming. What are we going to get him as a present? I think, yeah. I know we have talked about it in the past, but I think we can do that. And I think that's a really fun little format for trying to come up with. Yeah. Just squeeze out a bit of comedy. We just need ourselves a boardroom.

That's all we need to film that. And then it could be like the Puddin' strip. Like you just have them go for a bit longer. But I'm like working this out. Longer than Puddin'. Longer than Puddin'. Which is a thing that you should all watch on YouTube if you haven't already seen it. Eddie Pepitone.

Eddie Pepitone. And Matt Oswald. Matt Oswald, who's Patton Oswald's brother. Yeah. If you're a comedy lover. And there's going to be like, there's probably hundreds now. Not hundreds. Maybe 100.

No, I would say there's hundreds. Hundreds of episodes. I think they release one a day, don't they? No, they don't. Yeah. Really? I think so. Oh, my God.

That's amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're so funny. They're great. They're great. It's a video comic strip. They'll probably go for 25 seconds at the most. Mm-hmm.

Maybe. And you will love it. You'll love it. There's a lot of screaming. Yep. You'll love it. There's a lot of screaming. That's great. Yeah. It's right lot of screaming. Yep. You'll love it. There's a lot of screaming. That's great.

Right up your alley. Yeah. Screaming right up your alley. I know. It's straight away that the imagery that came into that was just... Yeah, screaming in an alleyway. Oh, no. I pictured something going up somebody's body cavity, and then they screamed.

Oh, no. That's horrible. Yeah. I was just picturing someone screaming in an alleyway. That could never be interpreted in a bad way. You are sticking things up, people. No, Alistair, I was just talking about screaming in an alleyway. Could not be more diverse.

Divorced. Divorced. Divorced. And diverse. Diverse. I think we've got enough sketches. Yeah, look, and it's been a really fun episode. It's been a great fun episode.

I've had a good time. I've been enjoying myself constantly. Consistently. Tantly. Somehow, somebody should marry the words constant and consistently. Constancestly. Constancestly. It is constant and it is consistent.

It's constanston. Constanston. Constanston. That's the worst word ever Well there you go Can we get Constunstant In the dictionary Constunstantly I don't see any reason

Why we can't all agree That we want at least One word in the dictionary As a joke Yeah Just one Just the ugliest word Like you know

We've got ugly dog contests What about You know What about the grotesque guys But I would love That the definition there Would be there like Constant

Adjective Both consistent And constant nb the ugliest word in the english language it's beautiful uh okay take us through the sketches we've done so far today well today we got seven we got seven you know a lot of like little little tiny ideas you know okay we got a guy who didn't know he had to shit. We're picturing he's 32, he's at the doctor's trying to figure out what's wrong. And then there's also a montage, so the doctor sends him home and there's a montage of his dad

trying to explain it to him, how it works and what happens. Number two, we've got a religion where one of the tenets is that you should always be surprised. They always be surprised religion. I don't think it's tenets is that you should always be surprised. Sure. Yeah, the always be surprised religion.

I don't think it's tenets, by the way. I think it's just tenets. Tenet. There you go. But if somebody moves into that, you know, somebody should join the word tenet and tenant together. Tenet. Tenet. Tenet. Tenet.

Tenet. Tenet. To tenet.ent. Tenent. Tenent. Tit. Ten. To Tenent. To Netent. To Netent. To Netent. Keep going. Send in the dog negotiator.

Yeah. So we get a dog who goes in to negotiate. Yeah. All sorts of things. That's great. Probably be wearing a little... It's almost like

Inspector Rex, right? Yeah. Instead of being the guy who solves the crimes, he's the hostage negotiator. Yeah. Yeah, and also

he... People like... He gets really good deals on consumer electronics. Yeah, obviously that as well. consumer electronics. that as well. Yeah. Obviously that is. Yes, yes, of course.

We've got the stapler remover. Yep. So that's the sketchette. That's the world's first sketchette even though there's been

millions of sketchettes in the past. This is the first one that's been labeled that. I'm going to Google sketchette later. We've got five which is the Vox Pop really ridiculous choice segment.

So do you want a gallbladder? No, no, no. Which one do you choose? A gallbladder or this tennis racket grip? More elaborate vouchers. So you can have vouchers for all sorts of all sorts of shit there. You know like

you can only okay oh I got you a $25 voucher for something blue. Yeah for something blue or

or something that is nice to the touch. Yeah. Yeah. And then also we've got Australia Australia think tank Andre Ryu is coming. We're going to get him as a present.

You like soft things, right? Yeah. Yeah, I got you a voucher for something soft. Soft, soft. I know you like soft stuff. Yeah, I know. Look, remember we were at Kmart and you were feeling that teddy bear and you said, it's so lovely and soft.

I love this texture. Yeah. Yeah, well, I got you a voucher for something soft. Yeah, very specifically soft. I love this texture. Yeah. Well I got you a voucher for something soft. Yeah, very specifically soft. It has to be sort of below a certain density. It's got a little sample John Cage-ier You think? Yeah, John Cage-ier John Cage-ier

Is that John Cage? That was him Yeah, you know what also is John Cage? What's that? Silence It's winter and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats What's that? Silence. It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything.

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