Two In The Think Tank - 265 - "LEGALLY DAD"

Episode Date: December 23, 2020

Dadvocate, Open Tendocracy, Productor, Rich Doctor MD, Wet Bed, Uber Pallbearers, Final Wish SquadGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some swag....and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereStatistically significant thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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absolute dad i now declare you dead legally hello and welcome to two in the think tank the podcast where we come up with five sketch ideas i'm alistair george william trombley birchall and i am today joined by my guest, Andy Matthews. Hello. Thanks for having me on. And we're changing up things a little on the podcast. From now on, whenever I'm here, I'm going to be a guest. I'm going to be appearing in my capacity as a guest. I'll still be on every episode, but I'll be a permanent guest.

Andy, just to explain to you what kind of happens. Have you ever listened to the podcast? Not in this new format. So I'm very excited to learn how to do it. So basically it's pretty loose. It's pretty loose. We just talk. And then when we come across something that we think maybe is something,

then we'll maybe write it down. It's like a little – I was making cookies with the boys today, and what it is is each idea is a scoop, and then we have a conversation to roll it into a little ball, and then we write it down. The writing down on the paper, that's squishing it flat. And that's the... Yeah, what shape is your scoop?

It's not round? Well, I mean, you know, you use a spoon, don't you? You use a standard dessert spoon, but that doesn't necessarily provide you with a beautiful round scoop. So, you know. Yeah, it feels like a double handling. Yep, I am. I am.

I have two hands. Everything I do is double handling. Yep, I am. I am. I have two hands. Everything I do is double handling. With both hands. Everything, even masturbating. Alistair, at the start. Now, Alistair, I reckon there is a good way to do it like that, where you would probably put two hands, your fingers, into like a victory V symbol,

which is already good, already very positive. And then you sort of slide those across each other to make a little kind of a little eye-shaped opening. Like a shotgun. And you use both barrels. Give it to both barrels. Absolutely. You get it by the...

Give it to both barrels. Give it to both barrels. Absolutely. You get it by the... Action pump. At the start of the podcast, I mentioned the term legally dad. And I think this would be a version of legally blonde. and I think this would be a version of Legally Blonde and now the pun is on Legally Dead and I think what that would allow us to do

is that this movie is now about a guy who's a forensic pathologist or maybe a coroner, but he's also a dad. And that's already so unexpected, the idea of a man. The idea of a coroner. But what about somebody who is a father in some way, but only legally? Yes. And so he actually has no children of his own and is not linked to any children in any way. But he is legally a dad.

But through some accidental paperwork, the state sees him as a dad. I think this could be a good kind of... This is a great con. Okay. It's where, through legal trickery, you force somebody to be your parent. You get them to sign some sort of form, and you legally become their dependent, and they legally have to look after you. You can pull this off at any age

that's a great thing there's some sort of loophole thing that you can do and then you're it's like a forced adoption yeah exactly and and and so i could do this to you alistair and then you know you you you have to look after me um you try and kick me out, but then a social worker comes around and says, you know, look, he's your responsibility. It's all here in paperwork. You have to have Christmas. You are legally dad. We have to have Christmas together. Yep, that's right.

You have to have Christmas together legally. That's what being a parent is um and is there is there a way in which turns out that he's very this is just a person who's very vulnerable to this i don't know why how could you be more vulnerable than others to having people become force force parenthood upon you? I mean, my first instinct was something like, you know, your name is something like... And this could be...

This might not go anywhere, Alistair, but what if your name was like sample father name, right? And there's some government paperwork which as the default comes with the name sample father name written in it, okay? And that means that anybody whose paperwork doesn't get filled out in full, you end up legally being their dad because your name's on the paperwork. Maybe his first name is Sam and his middle name is Pla. And then his surname is Father Name with a hyphen. Yeah, Sam, Pla, Father Name. And what happened was also,

this could be, it could just be as simple maybe as Sam-buddy, not Sam-buddy, somebody. I know this guy, this guy posted his name, date of birth,

and signature on Twitter for some reason because he was taking a photo of a document for a joke. And then somebody says, no, you don't want to do that. You're leaving yourself open and vulnerable. It's something happening. And then he goes, it's too late.

And he looked up the birth marriages and registers, dad, register, whatever. He's like, look, somebody's already made you their dad you've been swarmed you've been dad swarmed you've already been swarmed look at this you got three kids now and the number's just ticking up just looking at it's just ticking up high seven eight 32 kids you can see and you can see just the christmas bills just going like going up in his head he's he's just making he's doing them he's doing the numbers in his head and he's going oh boy you know

even if that's 30 bucks a kid that's minimum spend oh this is gonna ruin me um i think that this is a new kind of hacking right where instead of you know hacking into somebody's computer or breaking into their house in some way you hack into their family and you insert yourself in there It definitely is a thing

Russians could do That's right Then they're allowed to maybe come into the country as an immigration thing, perhaps? Come into the country, yeah. And then they come and stay with you? I don't seem to be able to get much further than this staying with you element. Sure, there are other elements.

But just getting into the country, it's like... Because then also that thing where it's like, well... They're not going to call up and go, they're not going to at the border and go, is it okay if your son comes and stays with you? No, of course not. They're going to say, you're a son? You're somebody's son? Right in?

On your way, sir. Carry on through. Just right in. Yeah. I see this as a movie and at the end, you know, having legally tried to not be, you know, tried to various legal avenues to get rid of all these hundreds of children, the single, you know, the bachelor dad character comes to love all,

you know, several hundred of his... All of his children. ...fake hacker children. And it's actually really, you know, they all learn a lot from each other and it's really inspiring. That's great. And then they have a big Christmas. They also bring the country down from the inside.

As well, yeah. Together. That's in a post-credits sequence. Setting it up tantalisingly. It's not even the point of the movie, but it's just a side thing. Yeah, you know, it's a bonus. There's a little bonus at the end there. Don't you think there would be a nice struggle in there,

like about him trying to figure out what he loves more, his country or his children? Well, this is a different film entirely, Alistair. Isn't it something he would confront when he realizes that all his children are here too? They're here from the internet research agency or whatever. They're all sort of spies or people who write content on fake Ukrainian history. internet research agency or whatever yeah they're all sort of they're all sort of spies or you know

people who write content on you know fake ukrainian news or whatever anti-ukrainian news websites in australia now and um and then uh and you know and at some point you know maybe they're being it you know maybe then they're attacking australia as well maybe fake australia history maybe they're writing stuff for sky news or whatever and uh and then he has to go well do i accept my children for who they are even though that they're attacking this country that i feel you know fine about um i mean it's a good it's it's it's an interesting question because it made me wonder, like, how upset I would really be if another country took over our country. I don't know how, like, how... Yeah, if it's just the government. If it's just the government taking over.

That doesn't bother me. I don't's just the government. If it's just the government taking over. That doesn't bother me. I don't really like the government. But, and you know what? And I think that they would try harder because they would know that we don't like them for coming and taking over. Yeah. So they might even try harder to make us like them. But it depends on whether there's guards in the street with guns and stuff like that. But it's not necessarily bad

if there's guards in the street with guns. As long as they're not harassing us. Yeah, as long as they're not disappearing us in the middle of the night. Yeah, because society has to keep moving. They don't want a country that is going to just crumble no they don't want the economy to be ruined and you don't want the people to be in a state of revolution right like you don't want there to be a massive unrest because that's not yeah yeah that's that's just a pain in the ass to uh to control so if we more or less

just like elect a foreign country's government and this is this would be a good system where every every four years you don't you don't elect a new government but all the governments in the world all move to a different country they all you know it's sort of a musical chairs type arrangement. Every four years. Or it's an open tender. And you vote for the country that you want to take over your thing based on the plan that they put forward. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, right now, it's not a free market right now.

It's very restrictive. It's usually, you know, it's usually a free market right now. It's very restrictive. It's usually two parties, and then you're picking from those. Whereas if every country got to have a go. Yeah, you're right. You can basically, at every election, you can elect to be part of, to join whatever, or be annexed by whatever country you want okay and then i think you know and and it would have to be set up in such a way where everything's cool and everybody's respects the rules because you're allowed to then vote to be part of it you know they've got to let

you go if at the next election you vote to be part of a different country. Yeah, they can't change the political system. No. They can't be like, oh, now we're not going to let you guys vote. No, that would be against the spirit of the thing. That's probably what you would look into when you're voting for a country. You go, well, do they allow this kind of thing in their country? Yeah, it'd be tricky. You might vote yourself into one where you can't vote out.

Vote your way out. But maybe that's what you like. Maybe you don't like the voting in other countries kind of system and you'll vote a country in that doesn't allow that. Yes. Is this a sketch in some way? I think so, yeah I think devoting, open tender democracy

Great I'm looking up at the pin board that's in front of me At this desk, Alistair And hanging from a pin that I've got up there Is a Daffy Duck USB stick, right? Because I went along to... I needed a USB stick and I went along to the post office. Did you get one in the US?

A USA USB. Yeah. Like, I mean, were you in the US? That feels like where you would get a Daffy Duck thing. Yeah, no. And is it a United States bee? No, it's from the local

post office here in Berlin. And I wanted the cheapest USB, and the cheapest ones that they had available were branded Daffy Duck USBs. And I'm not sure why that's the case. I mean, it seems like a good USB. It's worked for me historically.

But I wonder if there's some kind of, you know, how the mathematics and the economics works out to mean that buying something as a Daffy Duck makes it cheaper. Yeah, maybe they're bringing back a new Warner Brothers thing. You know, it's been gone for a bit and maybe the USB maker was able to sell some ad space. Right. Sure, so this is actually...

So he could lower his costs and then it's bringing things like Daffy Duck fresher to mind. More likely now you're going to go on USB. I don't know, on USB on YouTube. But maybe you'll go on USB. And you'll go on YouTube, you'll look up some Daffy Duck sketches.

Yep. And then all those views, ad revenue, that's money back in Warner Brothers' pocket. Yeah, they probably, I'm sure they've worked all of this out. They're Warner Brothers. They think this stuff through. Yeah, and Chuck Jones is probably getting a little cut. Chuck Jones' estate. Chuck's in everything. so yeah and chuck jones is probably getting a little cut oh chuck jones's estate chucks

chucks in everything um yeah so but can could there be a a world in which uh i'm just trying to think of other things that it's it's it feels like a cute thing that would happen in a movie whereby somebody has some in fact it probably it probably already is, like has some weird branded alternative to a normal thing. Does that make sense? Like, you know, the obvious thing to go for is like, it's a doctor and they're, you know, they're performing some important operation, but for whatever reason, they have Looney Tunes medical instruments.

Right? Sure. Marvin the Martian scalpel. Exactly. Some Wile E. Coyote forceps. Tweety Bird scrubs with a huge Tweety Bird on the front. Exactly. I taught, I taught, I putty tat.

And I mean... Something bird on the front. Exactly. I taught, I taught, putty tat. And I mean. Something cute on the butt. When he turns around, there's actually something cute on the butt. It's like, you know, oh, there's some, you know, the guy with the big mustache, Samity Sam. What's his name? Yosemite Sam. And it says back off. You know, like on those.

Oh, he's from Yosemite. Yosemite, yeah. Oh, I just thought his name was Samity Sam. No. No, Al. So he's a park ranger. He didn't seem to be all that much on the side of protecting the wildlife. He must have done a degree in ecology.

He could be. Could yeah yeah he's a conservationist um there you go but you know i'm also the guns would have been for culling feral animals that's what it is and that's why he's always firing them up into the air because he is currently tackling the problem of Indian minor birds. Yeah, common minor. Common minor, now recently renamed. We discovered together, Alistair, we discovered that together. That they've been renamed as the common minor. Sometimes we look up birding facts together on computers.

We meet up. We travel the long distance between our homes. Andy, I want to hear what your idea was oh alistair who who fucking knows but uh like just just the idea of you know somebody having to deliver terrible medical news but you've gone to a cheaper hospital because for some reason they have a lot of product placement you know it's not just product placement in uh movies now it's product placement everywhere and you know there's a lot of uh doctors there's a lot of trust placed in doctors okay and doctors are you know are a big force in for example election campaigns you don't want to lose the doctors because they have a lot of trust

from their patients and they can put a lot of, you know, they can sway a lot of votes, especially with elderly people. Similarly, pharmacists. But I'm imagining, you know, it's not just that now and it's not just the drug companies who are getting in with the doctors. It's everybody. Now everybody wants to get a doctor on board. Any new thing you've got to sell.

There's a new netflix series you go to the doctors and you get the doctors to have a lot of branded stuff in their offices yeah right and to be suggesting that people watch the series while they're while they're measuring their ecgs i mean the idea that that whileally's interrogating you about your symptoms. Interrogating, yes. He's using this blender to, like, crush ice. Exactly. And then make a nice refreshing drink for himself in a kind of like a tall martini glass.

You know, some fresh berries and some vermouth. make a nice refreshing drink for himself in a kind of like a tall martini glass. Because of the... You know, some fresh berries and some vermouth. Because of the trust of the doctor. And so is it a blender company that's... Yeah, it's a blender company and it's just showing you what you can do. But I guess maybe also the booze companies probably are. You know, he's like,

this is the best brand of vermouth that I've found. You know, because once... Have you seen... Upon a time, You know, he's like, this is the best brand of vermouth that I've found. You know, because once upon a time, you know, I think doctors were genuinely recommending, you know, people smoke cigarettes and smoke particular brands of cigarettes. Right? Is that? Yeah. And then we lost that freedom of speech.

We lost, exactly. That was taken away from us. Nanny state. But I, you know That was taken away from us. Nanny State. But I think at that point we gave up on getting doctors to encourage people to do things just because that one particular thing turned out to kill a lot of people. But there's lots of things that don't kill a lot of people, you know, like those disc balls, those balls, those inflatable balls

that have like a disc around and you bounce on them you know like what are they called like a uh jupiter pad or pluto the ones that you stand you stand on and yeah you bounce up and down right yeah okay that is good yeah yeah so so he he would try to recommend that? Yeah, I think so. He'd probably be using it in the office. That's what I use. Nine out of ten doctors recommend. Yeah, yeah. And do you think it would just kind of be like, so how much alcohol do you drink? Let's say, you know, like a doctor question. Sorry about the alcohol recommendations earlier. Anyway, how much alcohol do you drink? And he says, you know, drink, I don't know, two, three drinks a day. He says, oh, that's bad.

Have you seen Bad Santa on Netflix? Exactly. And then there's a poster up behind the wall. And he's got a little tongue depressor thing that has Billy Bob Thornton's face on it. Who? Billy Bob Thornton. Billy Bob Thornton's face on it. Who? Billy Bob Thornton. Billy Bob Thornton. You poke Billy Bob Thornton in and press down your tongue with Billy Bob Thornton.

That's nice. Yeah. Maybe it's a tongue depressor. It's got a little hairy beard. It's got a stubble on it. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. A little flavor saver.

It is a tongue depressor and it's got a little flavor of like sort of because he smokes a lot I think in that movie. It's got a little flavor of like nicotine and whiskey or something on the tongue impregnated into the tongue depressor. It's all part of the marketing campaign for Bad Santa. Everything in the room is for sale yeah everything's for sale you like this yeah you like this it's yours 50 bucks tie you know you could buy anything off the doctor

you know doctor's wearing a diamond earring. Just a single diamond earring. Oh, sounds like a cool doctor. I like the sound of this doctor. Wears a lot of rings on his hands and stuff like that. Like multiple rows. I think a really rich-looking doctor is a funny and separate sketch already.

It's rich Doctor. It's rich Extravagant Doctor. Extravagant Doctor with, like, no taste, a lot of gold, a lot of, like, satiny-type things, a lot of rings on his hands, big, big necklaces. Big furry crown Got a gold stethoscope on a chain Yeah

Oh, you gotta see this guy, he's the best Well, we respect wealth, don't we? We respect wealth, don't we? We respect success. And if you see somebody with a lot of success and a lot of wealth, you're going to assume that they've done something to earn it. And you see a doctor dripping with gold and jewels, beautiful tan, beautiful shiny white teeth. Yeah, you walk in, you walk in, he's eating

like into the office, he says come in, come in, he's eating a single golden chicken wing Great It's just entirely gold, not just on the outside when he bites into it, the flesh is gold as well

The bones are gold Yeah, that's right And then bites into it. The flesh is gold as well. The bones are gold. Yeah, that's right. And then he finishes it. He goes to ask you what the problem is. And he says, as he's about to tip the bones into the bin, he goes, oh, wait, do you want these? And you go, oh, no, thanks. He goes, okay. And he tips them in.

They go, tink, tink, tink. Because it's gold. It's real gold. And then he wipes his mouth with a gold bar. And he also throws that into the bin. Just a handful of silkworms.

Oh, yeah. Everybody loves silk, but nobody wants to sleep on a bed of silkworms, do they? It's more natural. But just get it straight from the source. Get the softness straight from the silk. Crawling all over your body.

Well, they're actually softer than silk. You have to be softer than silk to produce silk. You're right. You're right. Softness can only come from a greater level of softness. I think so. This is the kind of, this is exactly, this is religious philosophy logic. Well, we can imagine goodness, and how could we imagine goodness unless goodness existed?

And then that vision of goodness must have come from an even more good being. Similarly, you can't get something hard from something soft from something hard. Things only become less soft as you process them more. Yeah. And so if you get to the, you know, probably, you know, silkworms probably come from the softest thing, water. Water's the softest thing. Water's the softest thing. You know, a true waterbed would have been just a frame that just has,

it's just basically a sort of a small aquarium, a shallow aquarium that you just lay in. Yeah. And you just kind of, you know, you just sort of do that thing where you hold your breath a little bit and you sort of shallow breathe to float on top. So it's kind of a pool. It's a pool or a bath, a big flat bath.

It's somewhere between a pool and a bath, but it's like of a pool. It's a pool or a bath, a big flat bath. It's somewhere between a pool and a bath, but it's like a king size. What about this? It's not a water bed. It's a wet bed. So it's just a regular bed, but it's always wet. It's just... It has some sort of irrigation type thing internally that just keeps it wet. Keeps it wet the whole time.

Yeah. And the trouble with most beds, what you know is traditionally is a bed that is wet, is that they're actually not wet enough. That's unpleasant because they're not wet enough. Well, everyone talks about a wet patch in a bed. Yeah, a wet patch. Well, everyone talks about a wet patch in a bed. Yeah, a wet patch. Well, this isn't a wet patch. No. This is a wet bed.

Yeah, it's in the contrast that you're experiencing the discomfort. Correct. Because one part of your back is dry and one part is wet. But if you get the full shebang, it's actually really nice on your back. It kind of feels like you're just laying on a wet blanket. Which, again, is actually very nice. You probably just slept or laid on blankets that have a little wet patch. Yeah.

Wet bed. You know, a mattress is basically an enormous dish sponge right so it would it would hold that water beautifully i imagine i think it's all just about putting a little bit of lining the base above the above the slats but below the mattress, just having just a bit of tarp or some plastic lining that stops any liquid from escaping. See, we don't just pitch ideas on this. We think them through. We work out the practicalities of every idea.

Yeah. A bit of tarpaulin or plastic underneath. Because a lot of the audience are thinking, oh, a wet bed, wouldn't that just drip through onto the ground? Wouldn't that be a problem? But then immediately we put their minds at ease. Because we've thought of everything. We've put a tarpaulin.

A bit of plastic under there. And when you're picturing the mattress, are you picturing one of those kind of like an Ikea mattress that's kind of foamy Yes Or are you picturing one with Springs in there that will kind of Fill up with water And then the water you know

They just have to keep it at that high level At all times I think then that's basically You're basically back to having a water bed And that's not what this is. This is a wetbed. Yeah, but no, but, you know, I still think it counts. I think, you know, a wetbed should have the full range of beds available to it, including you can get a waterbed that you just keep the cover of the rubber sack wet as well.

sack wet as well so it's quite it's kind of like a it's so it's a because the water beds are like basically a rubber a rubber sack it's just a a bag of water plastic bag it's just like it's like a goon bag yeah yeah it's like a goon bag full of water so this is wet on top as well though but this one the wet bed water bed is wet on top that well, though. But this one, the wet bed water bed, is wet on top. That's nice. There's no reason. It's all the kinds of wet. All the wets that you can think of. Sloppy, sloshy, damp.

It's all things. Wow. Sticky? You know, why wet with water? Why wet with water? Why can't it be wet with honey? I think you're right. Doesn't that sound luxurious?

It does. It does. And you know what as well? My only reservation about the waterbed was that it might grow mold. But you know what has natural antimicrobial properties? Honey. Doesn't go moldy. They found some in an ancient Egyptian tomb.

It's still good. It's thousands of years old. It's still good. They spread it directly onto toast and it was fine. It was delicious. The toast was a little off because they'd had it sitting on the shelf. The bread itself was moldy, yeah. Because it doesn't travel well through the desert.

The desert. The desert. Or the desert. But yeah, a honey bed. You know, again, you're probably thinking of times when you've had a little bit of honey on you and it's been yucky, but you've never been fully covered. Yeah. And you're probably thinking about standing in honey. And if you have been covered in honey, you probably were standing and you were catching a breeze or whatever. This is not that.

This is in your bedroom. Yeah, this is in your bedroom where you feel comfortable and nobody's looking. Nobody's seeing if bees are after you or bears are after you or anything like that. Ants. Again, people are unhappy having a single ant crawl up them. They're not unhappy being totally covered in ants. I mean, it'd be nice to have that... Thick. Have that cartoony kind of thing of being carried away by ants at a picnic i actually i i uh yeah that's

probably the thing from cartoons that i am the least happy doesn't exist the little the little little little little little little little little little yeah as things move away sideways as if as if by magic but actually they're being carried by nature's strongest beast, the ant. But it's like, it's like crowd surfing. It's like crowd surfing, but it's the people underneath moving. If anything, it's like, it's like getting, it's like getting the experience. Alistair, I'm really happy for you eddie eddie it's it's the experience of being carried around by pallbearers

but you're alive oh my god you're right you know when why doesn't anybody carry around like that when you're alive why doesn't your family get together and carry around you know maybe maybe if you had done that i'd still be here if life was that good you know yeah well i mean the basically it's it's it's either you're an ancient a ye olde king right being carried on one of those big sedan chair things, or you're dead. And there's got to be some middle ground. Where's the commuting pallbearer for the simple man? You know, what about this?

I know we talked a lot about pallbearers in the last episode, but this is going to be big. This is the Uber of pallbearers. And now, because pallbearers, there's not that many funerals. I mean, there's a few more now because of COVID, but that's not going to last, right? And so there's a long time between gigs, I imagine, for pallbearers. They're just sitting around waiting, just got the coffin running there. You know, that's a depreciating asset.

You might as well put it to good use and get out there on the streets, pall bearing around. You know, people can call you up. You come to their place, very somberly, carry them out, and then down to the shops or whatever. They lie in the coffin. You've had too much to drink. You can't drive down to the shops.

Yes, yes. And you know what's good about this as well is that there's a lot of areas now, a lot of cities now where in the middle of the city, they are going to like a pedestrian only uh model well you've just found a little loophole haven't you because uh those are all just human legs on the ground there on your mode of transport and and think about it for kids you know let's say you you call these people up, they pick you up, you get them to take you to an amusement park, you get to a roller coaster,

it says you need to be this high. Suddenly, you're way above that. Yeah. So you can... All six pallbearers sit in the thing. Yeah. And then you're... But you're in an open casket, you know, in this case, so you can enjoy it, or at least one with a sunroof.

Sure. And then they just hold you above the roller coaster thing. And then it goes. It goes, does it? Yeah, that's great. Yeah, it goes. And you get to experience something that everybody's always wanted to, is the roller coaster whilst laying down.

Indeed. I think we really got something there, Alistair. Sometimes it takes an extra week for you to come back to a concept and really, really juice it, really squeeze something out of it. The reason they're called pallbearers, it's short for pedestrian mall bearers. And you can just go. Pedestrian mall bearers.

Yep. You can go down the pedestrian mall. Oh, I mean, this is a great. Okay, Alistair, now we're really getting somewhere. This is an alternative universe in which the pallbearer is the dominant form of transport. And so now, now, you know, you have police chasers

and it's all pallbearers. There's the police pallbearers chasing after some gangsters getting away from a bank job they've just done. The pallbearers are walking somberly at top speed, careening in a dignified fashion around corners and over jumps as they chase. That's very good. The policeman's lying down in his coffin firing a gun. Just like reaching it up. Yeah, I guess.

And just aiming. You can't see. Also, apologies to anybody who heard a big noise on my mic. I dropped my mic. Because I was blowing my nose. I didn't actually hear it. Oh, I wouldn't have heard it, would I? No, you wouldn't have.

Because you're hearing. We're talking through the phone. I did hear you blow your nose because Alistair is sick. So what we're going to do is we are going to split our channels off into left channel, right channel. And Alistair will be a sick channel coming into your ear. I'll be a healthy strapping channel coming into your ears. If you don't want your ears to get sick.

Exactly. I just have a cold. I just have a cold, a regular cold. Well, at least my test will come back tomorrow. My COVID test will come back tomorrow, and it will confirm that I just have a regular cold. Because there's no COVID in Victoria. Not yet, even though there's an outbreak in Sydney now

that is sure to spread here eventually. Yeah, absolutely. But, you know, it's nice to see real cunts being smug on Twitter, isn't it? For absolutely no reason. Which ones? Just people being obnoxious about Sydney, getting it. People from Victoria who are just being sort of, I don't know. Yeah, I don't think it was the city of Sydney that were giving us a hard time during our lockdown.

It was more the mainstream you know or the uh the murdoch media or whatever or the in the in the sort of federal government but it feels like because we were attacked during that time people feel like finally we can go ha ha yeah well you guys thought your contact tracing was so good didn't you well now you got an outbreak on your. Let's see how you deal with that. Anyway, yeah, we're really taking the high ground. Some of us.

Yeah, well, look, I don't feel... I don't want this to get bad for them. No, God no. Especially a few days before, you know, five days before Christmas. That wasn't ideal. Andy, we actually do have five sketch ideas. And they're crackers, Alistair.

They're all good, and I stand behind all of them. I think that there's a wide range of ideas already. So I feel like it's not crazy for us to go to our three words from a listener. Not at all. I'd welcome it. Well, if anything, I would start doing it now. Today's listener, Andy, samuel zarmus samuel zarmus um samuel goddamn zarmus uh great name samuel zarmus yeah i mean unless you say samuel zarmus sort of like a a Jim Jarmusch kind of thing.

But Zarmus. But, you know, look, I think Zarmus is a safe way to go. A higher Gazarmus, Samuel Zarmus. Why did I say that? It's all good, Andy. It's all good. Do you want to try and guess what Samuel Zarmus' first word is? Yes.

Glamping? Glamping. Glamping? No. Funeral. Oh, pallbearers. It's going to be a pallbearer sketch. Funeral?

What? Home. Funeral home. Funeral home Funeral home No I've already guessed it It was going to be funeral home wreckers And it's like home wreckers But for funeral homes

Yeah Well that's good That's a good sketch idea That we'll have to do another time Okay right Funeral Funeral wake Funeral wake

But you're in the right You're in the right ballpark In that it's kind of like a pun twist on Yeah In that it's kind of like that Funeral wakeboarding And he It's close enough

The third word is Bored Alistair Funeral wakeboard It's close enough. The third word is bored. Alistair. Funeral wakeboard. Andy, I don't know how you've become so good at this. I mean, it's probably clues, but... I think the listeners have taken pity on me, and they're giving me breadcrumbs.

They are coaxing me towards... They once fucked with you, and now they're only working with you. Now they're fucking for me. So, funeral, wake, board. You know, I mean, there's a few different ways you can interpret this, isn't there? You could have the board of a funeral home or something like that.

We're talking like an administrative board who make the rules for wakes. Yeah, or like a plank of wood that they use to awaken people during sort of eulogies to make sure that nobody's sleeping? Just to use a board to hit people? That's quite funny. Or, you know, I can imagine for some reason it tickles me that they have somebody standing up the front of the funeral. So, you know, everybody has a job at a funeral, right? You know, there's the ushers.

So, you know, everybody has a job at a funeral, right? You know, there's the ushers. There's people giving out little pamphlets of memorial stuff. There's people who have to give speeches and readings and there's a priest or whatever, celebrant, whatever that person would be appropriate at a funeral. And then there's also the person with the long stick and they stand up the front and they dress quite nicely. And then as people drift off, they just sort of poke them in the face.

So they wake up. It would be good if they could also control the acts. Like, you know, the people who are giving a funeral, you know, giving speeches. They control them. Well, you know, they could prod them and hit them hit them right hit them you know yank them off stage too boring or too sad or not sad enough you know there should be an enforcer of a person's final wishes and it has to be an independent person you know because often they'll say you know somebody will say during their life an enforcer of a person's final wishes. And it has to be an independent person. You know, because often they'll say,

somebody will say during their life, I don't want to have a sad funeral. I want to have a happy thing. But if anything, nobody ever listens to a dead person's wishes, almost. Yep. And so, there needs to be an independent body that you go to

right absolutely of auditors who you can specify exactly how much fun you want everybody to be having at your funeral and they'll come along and hit people with sticks until they have the requisite amount of fun

yeah yeah they run a tight ship yeah great The requisite amount of fun. Yeah. Yeah. They run a tight ship. Yeah, great. And they'll put on the right music. They'll turn up the heat on the floor, heating, make sure people are moving their feet.

That's what you want. Hey, look, if I can't get dancing, I'll settle for people moving their feet in in discomfort because the floor is so hot yeah the the point is that viewed from above heaven where i will be i won't be able to tell the difference as long as people are jumping around i'm so far away i can't tell if they're yelping in pain or just having the boogie of a lifetime. Yeah, exactly. And that's the good thing is that they fix it so that it looks good from a bird's eye point of view.

You might want a funeral where there's a lot of laughter, right? And so maybe you're not convinced that your family members are up to the task of making it as funny or having as much fun as you'd like it to be. They'll send along some laughers. They'll be laughing through the whole thing. Well, I think the people with the sticks walk around, and as they're poking people and turning up the heat on the floor, they're just laughing. They're laughing. See?

And that's infectious. Laughter is infectious. Pretty soon, everyone will be laughing. Everyone will be rolling in the aisles, burning themselves on the hot floor. But I don't want. She said she doesn't want anybody to be sad. She said she wants it to be a celebration. And then they pick up, they take out the body and the celebration of the person's life.

And they take out the body. It's always been good too. They take out the body They dance with it This is her They reenact her life With the body Yeah That's a real celebration

They reenact the birth And then Her birth? First day at school Yeah First step Wow Do they dig up the

deceased's mother to help with it? They don't have, you know, all these people work in theatre and stuff like that so they can recreate a giant vagina with their bodies No need for anything macabre No need for anything weird

Just reenacting a birth with a corpse. It's a celebration. You want high art there. It's a celebration. Oh, and you want something confronting as well. This is what the person wanted. This is not what you want.

It doesn't matter about what you want. No. They're just enforcing the final wishes of the person. Final wish enforcers oh i think that's good gosh there's a bit of yawning in this episode um we're really tired we're really tired and um and we apologize no well we don't need to apologize andy because we we delivered i think you know we delivered so i'll take us through the sketches we got legally dad legally legally dad there's a guy put some of his info on there on the internet now he's a

bunch of russians change because make make them legally their dad they can come into the country and then they start you know doing putin's bidding and basically start annexing the country is this is this a racist is this a new racist stereotype that all russians are hackers trying to take down foreign governments no it's not it's just these ones this is not about all russians i no no it's not about all russians it's just about putin and it's just about Crimea. Right. But it's just happening to Australia in this case. But it is about the annexing of Crimea. But they're just doing it through this way.

And these people, it's not that they necessarily want to. It's just a job. There you go. They work for their government, and this is where they can get work. And then they start annexing the country, and then he has to decide between the love of his country and the love of his children. We've all been there. Love for his children.

Then we've got open tender democracy. This is where other countries can bid to have a go at being your federal government. Well, yeah, we can have an outside contender. It's like hiring a new CEO from outside the firm. Who's to say that the best government for Australia is made up of Australians, people in Australia? On an international market, there's talent,

and we should just be going where the talent is. Exactly. Oh, this is what we should do. we should just be going where the talent is. Exactly. Oh, this is what we should do. We should kidnap Xi Jinping. He seems very effective. Kidnap him and force him to be our prime minister. That's a good idea. It's a really good idea.

And then we can give them one of our leaders. Yes, and force them to have him as their leader do you think dress them up as xi jinpin yep correct and hope that they don't tell they can't tell yep because at that point you know where xi jinpin is i don't think that people can say negative things about him so if he starts looking like john howard but dressed up like xi jinpin In a weird costume. You can't say that. In a weird costume. They can't say that because they would worry that maybe they'd be disappeared. Is this racist as well?

Is this saying negative things about him? We're saying he's doing a good job, an effective job. Then we got product placement hospital. We're saying we endorse all the policies of the Chinese Communist Party. That's what we're saying. Yeah. How could that be racist? How could supporting...

How could our unquestioning support of the CCP in any way be interpreted as prejudice against anybody? Watch out, Andy. If you start being too ironic, people will find your digital signature and you'll be their dad. You don't need any more kids. That's true.

So we have product placement hospital. Then we also have extravagant doctor. I'm interested in this guy. Very fancy doctor. extravagant doctor. I'm interested in this guy. Very fancy doctor. Imagine the beautiful model of a, you know, of a,

you know, I don't know, of a tongue depressor that they would lay upon your tongue. You know, probably that nice, that nice material that the iPads, not the iPads, but the iMacs, not the, you know, like the Mac laptops. Yeah.

You know, that metallic surface that they're made out of. It's very nice to the touch. Oh, yeah, it's really good. I think it's aluminium. Have that on a tongue suppressor, tongue depressor. Is it tongue depressor or tongue suppressor? Depressor. Then there's the tongue oppressor,

which is... Of course. You know, forces the tongue to go down. That's when you put Xi Jinping on your tongue. Yeah. And then we got wet neck. Very political episode, this one. Very political.

A lot of insights. Yeah. We're bloody... Well, he only does it to solve the problem. He probably would only oppress your tongue to solve the problem. He probably would only oppress your tongue to solve the problem of the gingivitis in your mouth. So it would be a temporary six-week oppression while they cleared up the thing

so the gingivitis didn't spread to your tongue and you didn't get tongue-ivitis. Then we got... So we got wet beds, it's just the beds, a small patch of wet is not... It's uncomfortable, but it's because it's not wet enough. Then we got, why don't they carry you around like a coffin in pallbearers while you're alive? Yep.

I can't believe you wrote that down in that level of detail. But it's good. It's good, Al. Yeah, and then we got Final Wish Enforcers. Mmm. It's good. It's good, Al. Yeah, and then we got Final Wish Enforcers. Thanks, everybody. Wow. What a year it's been.

We might get to talk to you again just before the end of the year, but I just want to say. What a year. What a year it's been. We might get to talk to you again just before the end of the year, but I just want to say... What a year. What a year. What a year. I hope you're all good. I hope you're all good. We thank you for all your support throughout this year. It's meant a great deal to us.

And we always feel very lucky to have you in our mouths. And us in your ears. you can follow us on twitter i'm at stupid old andy he's at alistair tv we're at two in tank you can support us on patreon you can review us on itunes uh you can download magma at stupid old studios presents um and uh the links are in the show notes. And we love you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. It's not optional.

You have to do it. We used to go easy on it, but now you have to. Yeah. Yeah.