Two In The Think Tank - 28 - "EXPORT QUALITY DICTIONARY"

Episode Date: November 22, 2013

 See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea and ice cream? Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost almost anything. Order now.

Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. You don't need to be the boy that's a boy. You don't have to be the hero of the show. When man is king, I will save everything else. Welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we try and come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy, and sitting in front of me, because we do the podcast in the spooning position, is... Alistair George William Trombley-Birchall. That's right. Good to see you all with my eyes of my mind, because that's what I do.

I picture what you guys all look like and what you're wearing, and today you're wearing polka dots, and the color orange, light orange orange which is in this summer i imagine and that will be great because no matter what summer uh you're listening to this in there's some jerk off who is a person recommending what colors you should wear this summer and one of them is going to say orange polka dots that's right there's always going to be that jerk off the old orange polka dot recommending jerk off it. There's always going to be that jerk-off. The old orange polka dot recommending jerk-off. It would be great

if there was a playwright, like a famous playwright, who was taken very seriously, but his name was jerk-off. It's so close to being reality. Like, that could so easily have happened. But also, like,

everybody who is, you know know a fan of the high arts would have to constantly refer to jerk coffee and uh yeah but operations but also make you sound make you feel like you're being you're being really childish when you laugh at that you know look it's just a foreign name, and he's a very serious playwright. Yeah. And his plays are exceptionally influential and important, and you are a child.

Yeah, and he died tragically and sacrificed so much. Yeah. And the fact that... Jerk off. But I think almost they would love that more, And the fact that... Jerk off. But I think almost they would love that more because that would only give them more superiority

in enjoying those high arts. I think it would allow it to... The heights of art would be allowed to be elevated higher than they've ever been because of the name that the plebeians laugh at. But I think also everyone would get more joy because the plebeians laugh at. But I think also everyone would get more joy because the plebeians would be laughing and being able to feel better than the people

who take a guy called Jerkoff seriously. But all the other people who did take him seriously would also feel better. So the world would be a better place. The world would be a better place with a playwright called Jerkoff. Excellent. Great. Well.

Moving on. And so there are going to be plenty of lessons that you're going to learn like that today. Yeah. Or tomorrow. This is an educational show. Yeah. Actually, I was thinking maybe this will be the show

where I sell out. Yeah? Yeah. I think I might start endorsing products. Well, anything that... Nothing in particular, just products. Yeah? Yeah. I think I might start endorsing products. Well, anything that... Nothing in particular, just products. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, well, products are great.

Yeah. Sorry, I sold out ages ago. That's why. See, I'm an old hat at that. Still trying to muscle in on my turf. I'm trying to get the lucrative product endorsement. Oh, yeah? Well, I'm already...

If I can get some of that money from products, I'm going to be laughing. Yeah, I've already been getting a bit of money from services. You heard about services? Oh, here we Well, I'm already... If I can get some of that money from products, I'm going to be laughing. Yeah, I've already been getting a bit of money from services. You heard about services? Oh, here we go. I think we're confusing the issue. We're confusing the audience, all right? Products. We're talking about products today.

You can talk about services next week. Yeah, but why buy products and do it yourself when you could pay someone else to do it? That's why I personally endorse and I use myself services. Oh, no. That's it. You've blown it. You've lost it. You've lost the gig. I'm going to pick up the services endorsement.

This is like the Pepsi challenge. But you try two things and then you try to see which one is a product and which one is a service. I can't tell the difference. I thought this was a service, but it turns out it's a product. You're blindfolded. What would it be? What would it be? What could it be? But it would have to be something like a massage chair or something.

Yeah, or a coffee machine. Yeah. Like an automatic coffee machine. I'm not sure what I'm getting here. Can you taste it? I don't know. That's almost too straightforward. Yeah, it is.

It needs to be heard. Already, but the idea itself is so abstract. We're trying to bring it into the real world, but it's always going to be a compromise, Alistair. Well, like, the slave is the ultimate sort of sitting on the fence, if you tell them to, product slash service. Because, you know, essentially a slave is a service. But you own. You're a service provider.

You're a service provider that you own. Man. It'd be sort of like owning. Product or servant. Yes. Yeah. Product or service. Well, servant though.

It's the fence. That's the fence. That's the fence. Should it be goods or service? It should be good or service rather than product? Because then we're closer to goods and services tax, and that's the little package of words that people will recognize. Oh, yeah. Goods or services tax.

A good. A good. This is a good. This is a good. A good. Yeah. And here is a bad. Here are a good. A good. Yeah. And here is a bad. Here are some goods.

Here are some bads. Here are some services. Look, a good is strange. Yeah. Yeah. I don't... I don't use that word. No.

Because it's confusing. I mean, is that what they talk about between the fight between good and evil? I mean, is that what they talk about, the fight between good and evil? Batman, he... My mind, like, it's like when I'm trying to contemplate the infinite or something when we get into these conversations, where we're just taking something that completely does not belong in the real world. Like, not even that it doesn't belong in the real world. Like, not even that it doesn't belong in the real world,

but it doesn't belong in the... I can't even explain the situation that my mind is in right now because I don't have the vocabulary. It's almost completely contextless. Yes. And we're just playing with the ideas, which is concepts completely. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we're taking an intangible concept and putting it in a tangible world or something. Is Batman good or evil? Is he a bad person or is he a Dyson vacuum cleaner? Good. Or evil? Yeah. Does he commit crimes or does he blend frozen strawberries and make smoothies? And under the goods and services tax, does Batman come under a service because he's doing a service for the community?

Or does he come under a good because he's being good? Is he taxed as a good or as a service? good because he's being good. Is he taxed as a good or as a service? Is Batman good or evil or is he good or service? I don't know. That's so dumb. Yeah.

Oh, dear. Batman, good or service? Okay. Should we talk about a sketch? Well, what about whether Batman is moral or immoral or an electronic cigarette? Yes, let's look. But, okay, what about, like, but there's some... None of that was talking. But let's stick to Batman. Okay, sure. Let's stick to Batman. Like his

utility belt, which I assume has got Velcro. Do you reckon Batman uses Velcro? Well, I don't know. I would say he needs a more secure, like he needs that. Velcro's pretty secure. Do you think so? And he also needs that easily detached thing. Yeah, but surely with the multi-millions of dollars that he has, which is more than one million dollars, he is capable of finding a system that is quick-release that isn't Velcro that doesn't go... Okay. Magnets. Yeah? No, no. Magnets are a bit... Yeah.

Well, maybe electromagnets? Oh, yes. You know? That's very Batman. Electromagnets are very Batman. He'd probably have just a little electromagnet on his buttons, on his snap pants. And all his electrical equipment that goes with it would also be designed to not have electromagnetic interference disable it.

It's very advanced stuff. He can put a magnet near his phone and it's not going to ruin it. Wipe it. Do you think his pants are his bat pants? It's a funny combination of words. His pants are his bat pants? His bat pants his bat pants? Bat pants. And bat suit sounds a bit like fat suit. That's everything I have to say about Batman.

I wonder if he ever wears his bat pants just, you know, like sometimes you go to school with your pajama pants accidentally. If he ever goes to work wearing his sort of like armor pants. Yeah. Because, I mean, I imagine they're super comfy. I would hope so. You can't do battle in something heavy and something that slows you down. Yeah.

That's like, comfort would be a big consideration for Batman. Yeah. I don't even know what material. I imagine it would be like a composite rubber thing, like alloy of some sort. Definitely the word composite would be used a composite rubber thing like uh alloy of some sort definitely the word composite would be used yeah composite absolutely whatever it is it's a composite yeah it's not just one thing guys it's gonna be there's gonna be a weave there's gonna be a mesh quite

possibly um there's gonna be different components it might be some some wicking is a new word that i learned yeah do you think do you think he has people in a... Christ, if it was just like he would sweat, though. Yeah. Whatever it is, he's sweating in there. It's like armored skins. Hmm. But I imagine if for some reason

superhero suits always look rubberier. They've always got a hard plastic kind of rubbery look. They've got the flexibility of kind of like a hard plastic kind of rubbery look. They got the flexibility of rubber but with the with the protective qualities of a hard plastic. I think it must be because of that hard plastic thing it must be tough for Batman when he gets bigger. Like he must have to shed that suit and sort of squeeze out of it and he'd be all like soft and squishy until he forms a new suit over the top like a crab oh yeah okay yeah yeah he's a crab

oh i see i would thought he would just get somebody else to make it i just wonder where they get this stuff manufactured as well or does he have like a whole like like a loom downstairs that's something like you know like an electronic loom do they have those to make sheets and stuff i don't ever understand how they make sheets could we um can we do a scene where batman cracks out of his bat suit and like squirms out and then forms a new uh like maybe not batman but some we haven't already done this sketch have have we? But something where like Some container that you're in Yeah Some hard shell that you might be in

You sort of have to split open And then get a bigger version Like a crab Like a hermit crab? Or like Oh no, no, no Okay, so it's not like It's not like the one that's your home

It's more like Like a cicada or something like that Yeah, yeah That just leaves its skin on a Yeah A person Who's a person who has like a cicada or something like that that just leaves its skin on a... Yeah. A person. Who's a person who has like a hard shell?

Like a knight? Like a medieval knight, maybe? Yeah. Or a person in a phone booth? Yeah. Or... Look, a person in a phone booth? Yeah.

It's like a little hard shell around you. And then he comes out and he's just a little bit pink and fleshy. But he's got too big for the phone booth. I don't know. Do you feel like we've gone too long without getting a sketch idea? No, it's been really fun. Okay, good. I don't want to start again. No, good no okay well no i have a sketch idea yeah you want to hear a

sketch idea i think i'll hear it i'm open to ideas yeah yeah all right yeah we'll give it a go yeah so you got there all right what about this okay a um you know how uh alcoholics try and hide alcohol in things that aren't alcohol, like in orange juice and stuff, so people don't know that they're drinking? Yeah. Like a really bad one who tries to hide it in solids, like in a sandwich, like pouring vodka into his sandwich. It's like eating this really soggy sandwich. The bad alcoholic.

I think you could start off that he's doing it like he's hollowed out a bit of an apple. Yeah. Right? And then he's just like popping the top off the apple. Because he's cored it, but not all the way down through. Just enough. Imagine a core that goes almost all the way down,

but then can break off the middle bit. That's really great. That would be great. Yeah. Then your apple just becomes a little container. Yeah. Like a little container. Oh, container.

Container. Like a container. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then later on, you also see him just pouring vodka or white rum onto just a white bread sandwich. No, I think it's like a salad sandwich, and he opens it up, and he just pours the vodka inside. I'm just picturing him just pouring it on the bread.

And so then later on when you see him picking it up, it's just sogging everywhere, and he's in front of people desperately trying to just eat it all, and he's licking the cling wrap. And it's like, nobody noticed. Nobody knows. I got one over these guys. But also, if you ever watch the TV show Friends, there was an episode where I think it was Rachel gets a boyfriend

who they discover is an alcoholic because he's always like, let's make, let's say we make this coffee Irish, which means you put a little bit of whiskey in your coffee or something, and he's trying to do that to everything. But yeah, I like the idea of someone who says, let's say we make this sandwich Irish and just pour some whiskey into the sandwich. Yeah, let's make this sushi Japanese. You want to pour some sake on there? Or some whiskey.

Yeah, Japanese whiskey. They make that. Suntory make a whiskey. Suntory. If Lost in Translation is anything to go by, which it is. Go buy it. Go buy it.

It's a good... Everybody go buy Lost in Translation. Go buy it. Go buy it. It's a good. Everybody go buy. It's actually a good good. It is a good good. Yeah. There are bad goods. There are good goods. Yeah.

There are goods that I have no opinion about. Yeah. But regular translation, that's a service. Right? It must be confusing in Mexico Especially if they have a goods and services tax Because cervezas are beers Which are goods

Yeah But that word sounds like services Goods and cervezas Oh no Beers are a service because they make you drunk It's a service that the beer is providing Cervezas Cervezas they make you drunk. It's a service that the beer is providing. Cervases.

Cervases. It's a cervases that the beers are providing. That's like the jokiest joke that I've ever written. Yeah. I've told you this joke. I know, but the people haven't heard it. Yeah. How do you fire a Mexican bartender? You tell him his cervzas are no longer required.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, everybody. Come on down to the bar. We're going to serve you up a cerveza in celebration of this Mexican bartender getting fired. His cervezas are no longer required. Thank you, everybody.

So, this alcoholic. Yeah. Okay, just for fun. What other things could you pour liquor on that are... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like... Toothpaste. So you got apple.

Put it in like a tube of toothpaste. Put it on his toothbrush. Yeah, put... Brushing his teeth. Brushing his teeth with like gin? Yeah. Gingivitis. Alright. Gin... Brush his teeth with like Gin Yeah Gingervitus No you actually have gingervitus But it's a different kind of

This is not gingervitus This is gin Gervitis This can only be This can only come From people brushing their teeth with gin Ginger-vitus. This is gin-ger-vitus. This can only come from people brushing their teeth with gin, which is more common than you think. I think... But then... So...

He's so... I mean, he's an alcoholic with a crippling problem. He's got such a crippling drinking problem, which is probably destroying his and his family's lives, that he's got beyond, like, he's not even putting it now on foods, like, solid things that are foods. He's, like, putting it in, like, shoes and stuff. Like one of those packs of moist towelettes? Yeah.

Right? And he pours, like, just vodka in there. Yeah. And then he goes, oh, I just need a refreshing moist towelette, and he wipes his face whilst just sucking in the booze from the moist towelette. Not even necessarily sucking it in, just need a refreshing moist towel. And he wipes his face whilst just sucking in the booze. Not even necessarily sucking it in. Just wiping it on his face. But also just... Yeah.

Like that, yeah. And then... Does he... He puts some on a pad that he puts in his underpants. So it just slowly seeps into his skin while he's... Yep. Toilet paper. Like maybe...

Wiping his ass. Could he make up his own version of sort of nicotine patches? Okay, what about... Then we go all the way around, right? Yeah. So even when he's out drinking, like whiskey, he's like, let's say we make this whiskey Irish, and he puts a little bit of whiskey in there. Yeah.

Eh? Yeah, let's... And then we can flip it... Let's make this whiskey South Australian, then he pours a bit of Barossa Shiraz on there. That's really funny. And then, but then we can also completely flip it around right so uh we now have a guy who is addicted to something else but he's trying to sneak it into alcohol okay so like uh like the obvious thing would be a chocoholic but that's way too done well like let's like you know it's one of those guys

who keeps getting cocktails that you have to light on fire so that he can cook some of his meth or cook some of his heroin on top of it. I was thinking, like, it needs to be something that's not actually a traditionally addictive thing. So, like, he's addicted to butter or something and he's just, like just putting butter in his whiskey. Buttery whiskey.

I mean, that's wonderful. Buttery whiskey could be a thing. I can picture sort of like a rum butter. Rum butter? Rum butter. Anyway, why are there no alcoholic solids? That's all I'm asking, guys. Other than rum balls.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Other than rum balls. Other than rum balls and those little chocolates that have alcohol in them. And those Tim Tams, those Tia Maria Tim Tams that they had for a bit. And they thought was a really bad influence on kids. Really bad. Because Tia Maria is a yucky drink.

I saw my friend, you know, just lose his life at the bottom of a Tia Maria bottle. At a packet of Tia Maria biscuits. Tim Tams. You're killing yourself with those Tia Maria Tim Tams. Do you know how much sugar content there is in those things? Yeah. Diabetes.

Anyway. Okay. Let's move on. Yeah. Can we have a sketch set on a boat? Yeah. How do you feel about naval architecture? I mean, so are they...

Because for some reason I just imagine a big flotation device and then they're just laying a foundation. It's just like I'm just picturing a regular building but built out at sea. Yeah, laying the slab. Yeah. Putting up the framework. Yeah.

Because I think, is Google getting its own... The Google barge that's going to be like that? And it looks like it's been designed to be this quite beautiful building that is going to be this store that's offshore for some reason. Oh. So they've organised a float of the company, have they?

Yes. A public float for Google. Google's streaming streaming droplets. Streaming, streaming, streaming in a stream. Streaming droplets. Yeah.

Water. Water. The ocean. The sun causes evaporation. I won't be happy until Google actually has an airship in a cloud. Yeah. I won't be happy. I'm not capable of happiness until that happens. Google actually has an airship in a cloud. Yeah. I won't be happy. No, you're not going to be. I'm not capable of happiness until that happens.

My sense of utility and self-worth is entirely tied up in Google's blimp fortunes. But I think that's a good idea, though. Yeah. Like, have all their servers up there. You know, you got less cloud cover you could you could have the whole thing covered in solar panels right and uh could be easily shut out of the sky which is good because then when we say the servers went down they will actually have gone yeah and but it'll just feel better it'll feel more right than if they like let say, dug a big hole and put the servers in there.

Yeah. Like, it does feel, like, conceptually consistent that the internet is above us somehow, like, in the sky. Yeah. So if we get all the infrastructure for the internet up there, that will be good. Yeah. And I think you'd save money on cooling. You know, because it's already going to be... Spend a lot more money on jet fuel.

Jet fuel, no, but if it's one of these blimp things, if it's just like hydrogen or whatever like that... Those guys just float. They just float. I don't know how often you have to keep putting in, you know, new hydrogen gas in there. But I imagine that the... Because balloons, they deflate after a couple of days.

I imagine balloon sealing technology has come a long way since the Hindenburg. I hope we're not using the same technology for playground balloons as we are for... For floating servers. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, plus, even if it does come down, pardon me, I'm sure they could have a backup somewhere

in another cloud. Yeah. That's in the higher cloud. In the cirrostratus. Yeah? Yeah. That's very high up, I believe. How high?

Oh. three kilometers. What's the highest before you're in space? It's not that much. The actual atmosphere of the Earth is like, if you look at it relative to the size of the globe, it's a very thin kind of skin of atmosphere that we have here. Okay. Really, for the thickness of the earth.

Yeah. Like, it feels like it should be like, you know, half, maybe like half again

the diameter of the earth or something is where the atmosphere goes out. But it's not that at all. It's like a... It's just a thin layer.

Yeah, yeah. It's like when looking at the crust. Remember, you saw how thick the crust was? You go, hardly no crust.

It's really just like, it looks like kind of like a like a malteser or like a or like a you know like gravy that's been left to sit out for a bit like that and then that that sort of thick skin layer well that's exactly what it is it's because the earth is cooled and it's formed a skin yeah that's all it is and like oh it'd be gross if you tried to like um yeah drink the earth imagine that would all coat your tongue yeah oh that's the worst yeah like you just you just made like a little earth kind of hot chocolate yeah and you just put it in the microwave yeah and just then you let it sit a little bit too much before you stirred it and just that skin formed yeah that's where we live we live on that yeah plus there'd be like sand in it the worst getting that in your mouth that would also be bad yeah you ever had sand in your mouth

it's it's i heard that you guys put sand in your mouths like you ate sand as a joke while you're on your road trip pat did it pat did it uh but i've had a handful of sand put in my mouth at one point and i'm not sure if i did it or if somebody threw sand at me and it went all in my mouth. Yeah. Because I fight with my mouth open. If you're going to punch me in the mouth, you're not going to get both rows at the same time.

No, no. You're a gaper. But it just, it instantly, it instantly dries out your mouth. Oh, you wouldn't think that, but okay. Yeah. It's like, have you ever had one of those berries that dries out your mouth? No.

Oh, they're amazing. They're awful to have in your mouth. So, it would be great if you could get one of those berries and you could just rub it on your body when you get out of the shower. You wouldn't actually be dry, but you would feel dry. You don't want terry-toweling, you want berry-toweling. I don't know what terry-toweling is. Terry-toweling is toweling. It's called terry-toweling.

It's like the fabric. Sometimes I hate that our roots are from England because then you get silly things like that. Terry. Terry-toweling. Terry. Terry telling. Terry telling. Like, it's almost embarrassing sometimes that we can't, like, that England got its way. I was talking to some Swedish person. Was it me talking to them or was it someone else?

I think it was someone else talking to me about talking to a Swedish person about just how English, the language, it sounds like baby talk to them, to people from other countries. Because of our words like grumpy. Oh, you're grumpy. Goo goo ga ga grumpy. Yeah, it is embarrassing. Yeah. The Swedish are holding it above us though. I don't want the Swedish to get one in on us. Can we have a, like the Oxford English Dictionary? Yeah.

The Oxford people, they released a not embarrassing dictionary where they've just taken out all the words that sort of bring shame on the English language. Yeah, I like that. And then we just have fun listing words that just sound stupid. Yeah, polygobble. Great. Dillydaddle. Dillydaddle? Dillydallying.

Dillydallying. Yeah. But they're kind of also the fun words, but they're the ones that make us look less important in the eyes of foreigners. Yeah, like a business dictionary or like an export dictionary. Yeah, okay.

The Concise Oxford Export Dictionary, which is the dictionary that we feel business dictionary or like an export dictionary so yeah okay the uh the concise oxford export dictionary which is the dictionary that we feel comfortable showing to other people it's like when you show your family photographs or something uh take all the nude ones out you take out take out all the nude nude shots and the ball pics you know and the ball pics you know just all the like in the family album absolutely those crotch the one where ever you get everybody to sort of pull the dick up to show their balls like that yeah stretch it up yeah stretch the balls up like that to like a belly but just three generations in one in one photo check this out we got the just sorry i think i think yeah yeah Sorry. I think that's a sketch. The non-embarrassing dictionary. Non-embarrassing dictionary.

Those Oxford English dictionary people. They're really the Derwent pencil of dictionaries, aren't they? I don't know what the Derwent pencil is. Okay, it doesn't matter. What is that? They're just really good pencils. They're like the Derwent pencil of dictionaries, aren't they? I don't know what the Derwent pencil is. Okay, it doesn't matter. What is that? They're just really good pencils. They're like good English pencils. They're the ones that you look at and you're like, those are the pencils.

That's a pencil. This is Plato's ideal of a pencil. Exactly right. All other pencils are just shadows of those pencils. It's like that guy who does the impression of Christopher Walken. And he's like, actually, everybody else's impression of Christopher Walken is just an impression of those pencils. It's like that guy who does the impression of Christopher Walken and he's like actually everybody else's impression of Christopher Walken is just an impression of his impression. Yeah. He's got to the

essence of Christopher Walken. He's more Christopher Walken than Christopher Walken. What's another thing like that? But something stupid. Something What's another thing like that? Um... Like, but something stupid. Something that's so much the thing, that is, like, the icon.

Because, I mean, people who go to dog shows think that about, like, their dogs. They're like, this is what the... Like, you know, they go, this is the ideal of what a Ridgeback should look like. And every other one should just be murdered. Have you heard of some of their justifications it's just like uh no you can get anything you need with uber eats well almost almost anything so no you can't get snowballs on uber eats but meatballs and mozzarella balls yes we can deliver that uber eats get almost

almost anything order now product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Put them down myself because I don't want them getting in the hands of, you know, of poachers or people who, you know, who are going to mistreat them. When this happens, they like... This is like British kind of breeders, you know. Trying to keep the breed pure. And if, say, they have a dog that's not quite good enough, they eugenics that shit.

Yeah, they just get rid of it. And so that's why there's so much, like, inbreeding and things like that with those. Well, this isn't making me happy. Great. And often, tragedy is the source of comedy. Okay. Right, so people are doing that. So what about, okay, then it's source of comedy. Okay. Right. So people are doing that. So what about, okay, then it's a dog show.

Yeah. But actually the real breeders are the people who are breeding the people who own the dogs. So the dog owners are the ones being judged. And they've been bred by some other group of people who are breeding a particular kind of dog owner. That's really good. Yeah? Okay. That's really good, and they're like, look at the way that he...

Look at the way that he directs that dog. Yeah. Like, look how important he thinks this is. And then maybe one of the dog owners flips out and starts running around and sort of hassling all the other dog owners. And they're like, oh, no, no. And then they quickly go around and they put a bag over him.

And then he goes to sleep. Okay, okay, we've calmed him down. Yeah, great. Okay, so it's like a dog owner show. Dog. Dog show show. Dog showers show. People who like to go to dog shows show uh dog showers show people who like to go to dog shows show that's what it's called done you finished yet good all right yeah what are the different kinds of those people right

they'd be like yeah they'd be funny short little ones with stumpy little legs and there'd be really tall thin ones different categories little little yeah little round ones like you know proper like with vests on and and yeah and sort of fox hunting caps and uh yeah and and the great part would be is that they all have like this kind of like like if you breed them properly they all have this kind of like uh this self-assuredness in their superiority. It's like, oh, look at his posture. It's perfect. He doesn't even bend his neck to look down at you. That's what you want in one of these.

And look at the way that, yeah. Because you've got to look at their breeding. Because also you've got to put them down, right? You've got to put them down if they don't have this. It's kind of like that fox thing. What was it? Those foxes on Radiolab where they – there's that farm somewhere where they breed these foxes,

and if you approach one and he kind of like – he growls at you or whatever, they put that one down. And then only the ones that are nice get to survive, and then they breed those on. So over generations and generations, they've actually changed, and slowly they've kind of got floppity ears, and their features have looked more poppy. There's physical changes that correspond to the temperament.

So there's this genetic connection between your temperament and these kind of physiological indicators of some kind. Do you think... I mean, dog breeders, they look like cunts, right? Yeah. Yeah.

All of them. Do you think it's every single one? Even the ones that I know personally and quite like. Do you know dog breeders? Doesn't Beck's family breed Cavalier King Charles's or something?

I don't know. They've got a bunch of them. I don't know if they breed them. What's a Cavalier King Charles? Cavalier King Charles

is one of those little ones that have floppy ears, quite long hair, but they've got white bellies and little brown bits around their noses

and the rest of them is black. They're quite friendly looking. I saw a couple the other day. Oh. Like, oh, there you go, boys. Cavalier King Charles.

Cavalier King Charles. I mean, as a name. Yeah. Ugh. Yeah. I don't know, but at least it's honest in what they believe.

Like, you know, that there's something aristocratic about it. Oh, very. Yeah. Which I don't necessarily associate with Beck. No. But she's a lovely, you know. You don't have to be.

We don't need to turn this into anything about Beck. You're right. Let's leave Beck out of this. Okay. I know we've been assaulting and insulting dog owners and dog breeders this entire time. And then, well, yeah. But this is not about Beck. Okay. Okay.

All right. New direction. Sure. Cats. Great. What a bunch of fuckwits. Yeah. Well.

Oh, I said something funny about cats the other day. What did you say? Can't remember. But when you come up with something new and funny to say about cats, it's quite a special moment. It is a good moment. Yeah. Look, I feel like that almost about so many topics now. I feel like that about men and women.

I feel like that about... Like even just before when I said we were talking before and I thought this would be a good idea for a comedy bit. Yeah. Where I go, go oh so i was drinking a glass of water the other day and even just finding a new topic like that it's really exciting yeah nobody's doing water stuff at the moment so you know like a glass of water stuff anyway yeah you know they're probably you know doing water stuff water tanks and sort of forces yeah and like you know the way that you of forces. Yeah, and the way that you pour. Running water, sure.

Yeah, and water that you have to... You're in a factory and they're doing this industrial cutting and you've got to pour all this coolant on it. Everybody's doing that. Everybody's doing that stuff at the moment. But a glass of water? I mean, almost like you could say that the water jugs are running dry. Yeah.

I would almost say that. I would almost say that the water jokes are running dry. Yeah. I would almost say that. I would almost say that. Or you could almost say that the water jokes have been used up completely, all of them, but then they're coming back through having... Seasonal changes. They're coming back through having... Seasonal changes. Through some kind of cyclical process, and they feel fresh again. Great.

You think that's good? Or service. I think it's service. Oh, Andy. Yeah. Your pockets are slightly upturned. Yeah, slightly upturned pockets. You know when that happens?

You know, like... I mean, actually, so is your collar. Actually, every part of you at the moment is slightly upturned. I mean, I'm glad that... You can't see me below the waist. Because it's all slightly upturned down there, Alistair. Andy, it's because you're facing away from me because we do this podcast in the spooning

position. As we've established. And luckily my arm is just resting on your belly and I have not been prodded yet but I imagine that maybe you just stick out at an angle that doesn't involve my arm, which I appreciate. That's a really nice thing that you've done there. I do stick

out at an angle that doesn't involve your arm. Yeah, it's so nice the way that your body has grown to be polite. For the listeners, I am looking at Alistair with a combination of disgust and confusion. Andy, going back to what we were just talking about, one could say that you must have been really well raised. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, that was, yeah, I was brung up right in that regard. Brung up.

Brung up right. Oh, brung. Yep. Water, bottled water, water allocation. Are you worried that I'm like, I'm just not saying anything because I'm kind of like, I'm enjoying it. I feel like we'll find something we just gotta not panic yeah because because i feel like the last one we panicked the last episode yeah it was a little you panicked i maybe i panicked i was doing fine yeah you were doing okay well i was panicking i was spending

way too much time thinking about how i wasn't thinking of anything yeah and you know what i think i think that ends up just taking up your thinking that's true that's like a that's like a meta process that's using up your processor yeah power you know like checking for updates or some bullshit like semantic bloody antivirus update but fucking norton utilities update Norton Utilities. Norton Utilities. That Norton guy. Fucking Norton. Do you think, like, he must just feel shame. Like, that thing, nothing slowed down your computer like Norton. Nothing made your computer worse. There was no virus that could have a more negative effect on your computer than Norton.

Yeah. Absolutely. I've tried to write a joke about that, was like it just should it should be a crit like an offense punishable by serious jail time to come up with an antivirus program that makes your computer run slower than if it had every fucking virus in the world could there be a sketch that's just fuck norton i would just love to make a video about that. Here's a bunch of people ranting about Norton.

But that's a that's funny as like a concept for a sketch that like it doesn't really have any concept other than it's just fuck Norton. Just seriously fuck it. Seriously

comma fuck Norton. And then, fuck it. Seriously, comma, fuck Norton. And then it's just a bunch of people just releasing the anger that they've had bottled up in them

and they've never realised was a common experience that they've shared with everybody. Yeah, like the common experiences of thinking that the Volkswagen Golf

is probably quite a reliable car. That's a thing we all have in common. We all think that. Everybody at some point in their life has looked at a Volkswagen Golf and thought, I bet that's a reliable car. That's a thing we all have in common. We all think that. Everybody at some point in their life has looked at a Volkswagen Golf and thought, I bet that's a reliable car. I would love to have

one of those one day. You could feel really safe. Safe. And just confident driving a Volkswagen Golf. It's big enough for a family. Yes, but it's small enough to park easily. Absolutely. And just something about the slightly squarer lines of it makes me feel like they've made efficient use of space.

Squares are very efficient in their use of space, I would have to say. Absolutely. They're not like one of these fucking 3D polygons that comes in and has a lot of concave bits and shit like that. Fuck off, 3D polygons. You're next after my Norton video. that comes in and has a lot of concave bits and shit like that, fuck off, 3D polygons. You're next after my Norton video. And then you could... I feel like... Is that also almost like a fun thing to do as a sketch show?

Just have Vox Pops about something like Norton utilities? Just go out in the street and just be like, how fucking shit is Norton utilities? And just get people to be like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's shit. Oh, I didn't know I was allowed to be angry about this. Yeah.

Oh, give me the mic. Yeah. Look, I don't know. I kind of want to write down fuck Norton. Yeah. Great. Just because I actually have a lot of anger about that. Yeah, great.

Just because I actually have a lot of anger about that. So many times it would be like, it would just be like, why is my computer taking so long to start up? Yeah. It's like, oh, that's right. I just installed Norton SystemWorks or whatever that's supposed to keep your computer. It's like it's giving you statistics on how your computer is running. It's like, oh, all my CPU's been used up at 100%.

Why? Because Norton is running, because it's keeping an eye on how much CPU usage I'm using. Fucking Norton. Yeah. Is that company's gone out of business? I don't know. I mean, they were massive, right? And everybody

had it. That was the thing. And, ah. Anyway. They cornered the market there. Yeah. I've just been waiting. I want to know why Google hasn't released a free antivirus thing. You know, like, I feel like that's a thing that they would do.

That Google would just step in and be like, yeah, guys, we're going to take care of this from now on. Thanks, Norton. You've been doing it fine. Not really. But just step aside because Google's got this shit now. A lot of things to do with computers. I'm just sitting around waiting for Daddy Google to come and make it all okay. Old Mother Google.

Yeah. Because I trust them and I shouldn't. But I absolutely trust Google. Yeah. I do. I trust them because I know that they care about my web experience more than I care about it and I know that they're gonna think of things even before I think of it. Even before you think of it.

Yeah. Like, I remember going, at one point I was living in New Zealand and I was like, here's a cool idea that you could add to Google Maps, right? You drive around and you take photos of all around and then you can add street photos from all the streets. Yeah. Right? And then a guy went, I think Google's doing that.

And I went, fucking mother Google, why did I doubt you? Yeah. Why did I even bother thinking? I once sent an email to Google being like, hey guys, this is like back in like 2003, being like, hey guys, this is like back in like 2003, 4, something like that. Yeah. Sent them an email saying, hey guys, I think you should have predictive search and I think you should have like some kind of image search where you can upload an image and it'll find similar images.

Perhaps you could do something with Fourier transforms. Anyway, give me a job. This is Andy. Yeah. And they didn't get transforms. Anyway, give me a job. This is Andy. And they didn't get back to me, but within a couple of years, there you go. Both those things. I think,

yeah, look, I trust Google. And I'm not even angry because I'm just happy they did it. Yeah, exactly. It's like,

it's like if you could just get a company that you go, here's some of my ideas that I'm never going to work on. It's a brilliant idea that could help the world, but I would never put in the time or the money to develop it because you'd have to dedicate your life to it. If it was just me, I'd have to learn how to program. I'd have to get an organization together, find a way of raising money, become a not-for-profit or some shit like that. But Google will do it because they've just got too much money. Yeah, they're just a benevolent dictator, computer.

They're better than God, I would say. But then it's also funny to look. That's true. Like those emails that we sent were like our little prayers to Google. Like, hey guys, can you sort this out? And they did. They will because in many ways we're built in their image. We're built in their image?

Yeah. Like, because we're, we learned how to, like, we probably got the ideas for that from looking at what they created already. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they had already created it three years ago. And so their thinking was three years ahead of ours already. And then, so our ideas are like, excuse me, I know, I know we understand why you would come up with that because, you know, of all these things.

But we thought of that in the beginning. And like in the beginning of the internet, it was dark, and you couldn't see anything until search results occurred. That's true. That big old white background. Yeah, that is the let there be light of... How did you get around before search engines? You just had to know the addresses of things? Yeah, absolutely.

I imagine there was, like, a big book big book possibly that you had to leaf through like a phone book but for the internet oh and then yeah i think like yahoo was one of the first ones which was just like a yeah sort of a listing of all these sites but also is it oh yeah but do do they're like do their little spider things they're they're bots that go around looking through the internet crawlers web crawlers do they go just into random servers that are just hooked up to the internet and go oh what's in here and then they list that or is it i've got i i don't know i can't imagine that they could just go anywhere yeah but i think i think you'd there'd be some sort of tags or some sort of html thing sorry anybody who's listening who knows anything about the internet but like yeah some

sort of html tag that you put out there which makes your whatever it is visible so if you want your thing to be searchable then you put this there and it's a little flag saying hey do you think there's some pinging involved oh pinging yeah yeah yeah could ping and what what was the name of those things again web crawlers, do you think you could do a sketch from the point of view of a web crawler? Hi. Hi. My name's Carl Samson Knight,

and I'm an AI, and I'm a... I'm a Google web crawler. Yeah. Ask me anything. Yeah. I was thinking, like could Could we do something Which is just like Starting your day

But if you were a computer Okay Sort of waking up And going through Whatever like the The process of getting online Yeah Getting

Getting all your shit together Is embodying that Personifying that In some way But Alright Alright I'm awake Alright I better start up Adobe.exe embodying that, personifying that in some way. All right. All right. I'm awake.

All right. I better start up Adobe.exe. Okay. I'm sorry. Already this doesn't work for me. No? Oh, let me just check the old MS config list and just see all the things here.

Oh, yeah. I better open up Google app.exe, all these things. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, so like... No, actually, that's not too bad. It was something about opening all the windows, maybe. Do you want to open the windows we had open last night?

No. That's all I got. Okay, that's fine. Fuck Norton. Yeah, fuck Norton. Yeah. that's fine fuck Norton yeah

fuck Norton yeah sometimes I I think that the reason why my brain runs a little bit

slow slowly is because I used Norton at one point I think one of the reasons your brain runs a little bit

slowly is because a big part of your brain is always taken up with hating Norton which isn't the knowledge

about Norton and how angry I am I'm still in many ways waiting for Norton to allow my computer to start up. In many ways. Many metaphorical ways. Would you say 0.1 is many?

Because it's still a multiple. Or anything that's less than one, do you not pluralize? I probably wouldn't call less than one many. No, I don't think that's a leap I would make. But like you would say.2 dollars. Or.2 of a dollar. .2. Oh, man.

On the news, have you noticed how they always do that thing when they say one half of one percent rather than saying half a percent? Have you noticed that? Yeah, why do you think that is? In the finance and stuff? One half of one percent. Yeah.

Point two of one percent or something like that. You know what, I haven't seen that. I haven't noticed that. You haven't noticed that? I noticed that. But I'm not all that perceptive. Also, I don't watch the news.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Which makes it hard to perceive. Okay. I think we need one more sketch idea, Alistair.

Yeah, you're right. Then we can move on with our lives. Yeah. And our days. And so can everyone else. Sure. Be a fun little starting point starting

point okay uh you what do you what do you think like what kind of books do you enjoy reading like what's your what style of book would you say is the thing that you read and you're like this is satisfying well i've noticed that what I don't really enjoy is stuff that I kind of go like, I look at the cover of the book and I go, oh, this is about this. This is about some kind of science thing or something like that. And I go, oh, I would love to know this. Right? Yeah. So that's one of the reasons why I buy books most of the time because I go, oh, I would love to know this.

And then I want to have that information. Then I buy it. Then I have it. Then I start reading and I go, oh, I don't really know this and then I want to have that information and then I buy it and then I have it and then I start reading and I go, oh, I don't really want to have to read it. At least I have the information, right?

Yeah. Well, you buy the book and then you have the information. It's not in your head but you definitely have the information. I have the information, yeah. So, oh, you need to know

about this thing? Well, let me just flip through this book and it's right there. I'm not going to go downloading that into my brain. Yeah, I don't need to. I don't have the time.

I'm going to watch some people knackering themselves on skateboard videos. But I think I quite enjoy fiction and slightly science-y fiction-y stuff. And I would never have considered myself a science fiction dude. Yeah. No, I think i'm exactly the same and the kind of stuff that i like it's like something that's got a little bit of a scientific or like a hyper like a hypothetical element to it which is sort of like exploring

some little idea like a little the consequences of some sort of scientific idea or some sort of slightly philosophical idea let's apply this and see how that pans out. Yeah? Something like that? Yeah. I like also I think I like reading things like that because they make me realize that people are smart. Yeah. And smarter than me. And I think

you need that. I don't like realizing that. No, I love it because not that I think I'm super smart, but like sometimes you kind of go like, oh, nobody has ideas like this. And then you read and you go, oh, no, these people are way better. Yeah, yeah. Not only do they have better ideas, but they also execute them really well. Yeah, and they put the time William Gibson's Neuromancer,

and I don't think I've ever listened to something or read something that is as well written as that. It's unbelievably detailed. Everything is so detailed that you can't even like, you know, like sometimes you can just skim a little bit. You don't have time for this. Everything is so crazily detailed that I'm like, oh. But is it

is it still understandable like it's still written in a way that you can yeah that's so great but but also sometimes it's talking about stuff that doesn't really exist yet and so you're having to create things like you know i think that's where the word microsoft comes from and he says you know he he pill he pulls some of the white microsoft's a stack of old computer parts and he places it into his something something slot in the back of his head. So stuff like that which doesn't actually exist but you're just having to create imagery for it. That's amazing. The power of the words and the language that he's using to create a completely new idea. of the words and the language that he's using to create a completely new idea.

Build that little space in your head, put together the elements from things, like from the parts of the word and the context there, and suddenly there's an idea in your head that you've never had before. That's language. How great is language? Well, if anything, because that book

is where the word cyberspace comes from. Really? He goes into the constructs, which is where the Matrix cyberspace comes from. Really? He goes into the constructs, which is where the Matrix got its ideas from. So now I'm actually just using some of the visuals that I've seen in other movies, in movies about that kind of thing. But I think before that, it didn't really exist.

Before he invented this space that hackers could go to and physically be in a cyber space like a you know like a non-real space but i guess it's it's still real in that it's like being in space but like it like in like a room or something like that but there's nothing there yeah oh great yeah so i enjoy those books how about you um yeah like really similar, but also stuff that's like, yeah, that's set in just a slightly altered version of reality. Like I read a book called The Yiddish Policeman's Union. Yeah. I might have told you about this.

Yeah. By Michael Chabon. So good. Alternative history, like I didn't think I would like that kind of stuff, and I'm not into like steampunky shit. Yeah. But this one is so great. And also I like sort of spy books.

Yeah. Which feels a bit lame, but I do. But there's an aspect of you that's very English. There is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm an Anglophile.

But if you were to, like, if you were to summarize the English quite quickly in a few things, I'd say they like spies. Yeah. They like football and manners. Yeah.

And that's it. I think that's all I would say. That's all I would say. They don't like the rain, but they endear it because they don't have a choice. Yeah. I think the spies thing, like, it's an interesting, like, consequence of what's happened to England. Like, spies are probably one of the few places where they can feel like they have power. Like, because of the, you know, the slow collapse of the British Empire or whatever.

Like, the only thing that they can look at and be like, well, we might still sort of do well there is in a world that no one can really see. And you can sort of imagine that that's all going on. Yeah, that's like your potential. Yeah, spies are your potential. Who knows what the spies

could be up to? They could be doing anything. Well, they could be secretly running the world. I mean, we don't know. Yeah. Well, that's one of the great things about spies.

They probably are. Yeah. Spies are kind of like leprechauns. Well, but that's the thing is that the the thing, is that the only thing that you do hear about from spies is what you read in books, and it's all this glamorized stuff,

and they are running the world and doing these amazing things. So you go like, we're doing okay. Yeah. So in that sense, like spies, like spy novels, they're just like fairy books about fairies, right? Because all of this stuff could be completely made up just their nature of them makes them invisible and whatever what about um you know there's

somebody who doesn't believe in spies possibly okay do you have somewhere to go with that not yet okay um i'm thinking about like um you know there's people who believe in fairies yeah right and who will say that believe in fairies, right, and who will say that they saw fairies at the bottom of the garden or something like that. Right. Okay, what about people who believe in, okay, so like an old woman who's not saying that she saw fairies at the bottom of the garden, but something else, like she saw a man with a bulldozer, perhaps. So she's mentally ill

i don't know i just like the idea of there's there's a couple of like this lady who she's not insane but she's pretty sure that somewhere in her back garden there's a couple of tradies. Yeah. And they go back there and they're not there. And she leaves out food for them and stuff. Yeah, fairy bread and glasses of milk. And she does paintings of them,

sort of standing amongst the ivy. Yeah. Like putting up a pagoda. And her son comes down and she talks about him Standing amongst the ivy? Yeah. Like putting up a pagoda? And her son comes down and she talks about him and she's like, Mum, you little... And then he goes around and he walks around and sees where it was. Yeah. Where it was like, Mum, there's nothing here.

And she goes, look, I found a nail. Well, they could be from anything. Yeah. Yeah. The evidence of the tradies having been there. And it would be nice to see things from inside her point of view where the traders are just there like working away cutting up bits of wood or like digging a hole or something and she does talk to them yeah and

things and have conversations and maybe they're just doing something with the neighbor's place yeah i don't quite know what that means me Me neither, but I feel like there's something... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Tradies at the bottom of the garden. And they leave sawdust instead of, like, fairy dust. Sawdust. Look, look, sawdust.

She throws it up in the air. And it completely fails to glitter or catch the light. Just falls down, gets in her eyes. Yeah, lands on her son's jumper in the air, so just kind of brush it off. It's from termites, Mum. Your house is rotting. The house is falling apart. Well, I'll get the trities to fix it.

I think I'm going to have to put her in a home. All right. Well, that's five ideas. That's five ideas. Look, and there's some fun stuff in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry if it was... No, I'm not sorry to you...

Well, I'm not sorry. I just mean, like, sometimes I feel like things are going slow, and then I feel bad, and I don't have to apologize for it. Well, apologize to yourself for making yourself feel bad about feeling things are going slow. You're right. Just say sorry Alistair. Sorry Alistair. Thank you.

Now shake hands. My hand was really wet. That was a really sloppy shake. Yeah. We got bad alcoholic. What hides booze and solids. Yep. Great.

We got the non-embarrassing dictionary, the export quality dictionary that you take out all the embarrassing words that make us sound like babies and stuff. Mm-hmm. Words like mummy. Mummy. Oh. Or mammy. Mammy I kind of like,

but anyway. Dog owner show, breeding dog show people. You're not talking quite into the microphone. Well, pardon me. Fuck Norton. Great.

That's probably my favorite sketch. Yeah. Trady's at the bottom of the garden. Great. So I think that's it. Thank you very much

for listening to Two in the Think Tank. My name is Alistair George William Trombley-Virtual and this is Andy Mathews and we are out of here. Moving on. Getting ourselves together. Packing up our gear and walking out the door. Goodbye. We'll be right back. because those are groceries and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now.

For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details.