Simple Swedish Podcast - 282 - "BROSÉ"

Episode Date: April 20, 2021

Rose before Brose, Plants for Men, Munition Munchers, Timeline Squatters, Emotional Martial Arts, Industrial Revolution But With Genitals, Jesus Christ - Crunchy SouperstarGreat thanks to you, our friends for coming to TeleportListen and subscribe to our new show THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastJoin the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objects...and you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereBlockbuster thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, this is Alistair, just interrupting the beginning of the podcast to say we're not going to be plugging anything at the beginning of today's episode. Hello and welcome to Doing the Think Tank, where we show where we come up with five sketch ideas. Alistair, I'm a fraction tongue-tied. And I'm a fraction Alistair George William Cholmondeley Birchall, 100% fraction, one-on-one. And I'm Andy. And we would like to thank everybody who came to see the show Teleport at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. We had a bloody fantastic time.

We had a great time. We finished it an hour and 15 minutes ago. We just had enough time to pick up a pizza from Father's Pizza in Brunswick and then grab a bottle of brosé. Brosé. Brosé with the boys. Brosé with the brosés. It's the butchest rosé. Now, interesting question.

Here's a question for you, Alistair. What do you think makes a rosé more butch? Do you think it is having less red in there or more red in there? You know, because like in a way, pink isn't a very masculine color. Is it true that thing where they say it used to be the most masculine? It used to be the boys. It used to be the most masculine. It was the most masculine color.

The most masculine color. Yeah. But. But now it's not. No. And I'm just wondering whether, like, you know, we could make it paler. So there's less pink. Technically, there's less pink in there.

Do you think if it was made red, redder through using blood, do you think that would make it more masculine? Yes. What if it was period blood? period blood But then it's very masculine To be in touch with your feminine side That's right Because you're not afraid You're not hiding behind some weird

Gender and homophobia Some sort of constructed Yep yep yep You don't have to defend yourself in any way. I think what we're learning is that the most masculine rosé is the one we're drinking right now. Is it possible to make something more pink? You know, like something can be pink, right? But like, how could you make that more pink?

You could add more white, but then in a way, isn't that making it less pink? You could add more red, but in a way, isn't that making it less pink? I think it has to be perfect, the perfect midpoint. The perfect midpoint between white and red? Yeah. I don't even know how you would define such a thing. I think there would be. I think there would be an infinite number of midpoints between the two,

but I guess you would saturate it. I mean, you could probably do it on your computer. You'd just go equal number white, equal number red, and then there'd be like a various. So really, there's a really good answer. So that's the peak of a bell curve, and both sides, it's less pink than that. Yeah, it becomes something else.

Yeah, really good to know. How would we turn that into a sketch? How would we turn that into a sketch? Yeah, it seems really hard right now. It seems a long way away. I mean, you could flat out, you could write down brosé right now.

You think brosé? I'd call that a sketch. Yeah? I'd call it delicious. People trying to convince men to drink rosé. Yeah. You don't need to convince us.

We've already, we've already emasculated it for ourselves. And we didn't even need to because it was masculine enough. Yeah. I mean, I guess, you know, maybe the way you could do it

is by changing the shape of the glass. But then at the same time, why would you only drink a masculine drink if you're heterosexual? And you say, most of the things I put on my mouth are women. That's not true. But a lot of them are just foods. But probably a lot of the meat that people eat is women. Female cows.

Female cows. Yes. Female chickens. Yes. Female sheep. Yeah. You know? Vegetables.

I don't know what... Do they have genders? I don't know if vegetables have genders. Yeah. I mean, I could take a stab at a few of their genders. Yeah. A lot of them look fairly masculine, if you ask me. Yeah, which ones?

Potato, sweet potato, carrot. Yeah, that sweet potato that you tweeted a picture of that got heaps of retweets, even though it made me uncomfortable because it looked like a big, veiny penis. What about the cock tulip? That's women. That's a woman, as it happens. So you're saying that the flower is feminine, but the fruit

of that plant, the vegetable, is male. The fruit of the cock tulip? The fruit of the cock tulip is male. I think that gender plays no role in the vegetable debate. But isn't there – I mean like there's – I think there's male and female plants.

I think because I think that's why you've got to pollinate some, right? Or is it just got to be – are they both – are they all – You're exactly right. There are lady plants and guy plants. But we can't tell because they haven't succumbed to our kind of like, you know, it's because of the social construct of gender. They don't wear pink nappies and blue nappies. Do you think that like we could create a person who is so insecure that they insist on only eating male plants? Yeah.

But what would it be? Maybe they wouldn't want to eat male plants Because I ain't put no dude in my mouth In that way They're very homophobic So we start a farm Maybe And we're catering Specifically to homophobes

Because We only grow the female Version of the plant And that way We don't grow any plants that look a bit like dicks as well. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Or if we do, we chop them up into a nice vagina shape. Sure. You know?

Yeah. So like carrots. I think I'm so insecure I'd still know. Right? I think I'm so insecure in this scenario. I know, but think about it. You could, let's say a carrot. You could slice it into sort of a vagina shape

and then steep it in a sort of a silvery broth so it looks like you're eating like a stainless steel vulva. And why? Wait, what is? I mean, I'm going to leave aside how we make a silvery broth because let's just take that. We'll use whatever it is that they use to make those little balls that you put on top of cakes

that almost break your teeth every time. You just melt those down. Melt those down. You melt those down into a sort of a syrup. We use electroplating. You steep, like you would a chai, but you put carrots in there. Yeah, into the silvery broth. Into the silvery broth.

Why then, this is my follow-up question, why is it being a stainless steel vagina, a carrot, any more masculine to eat? It's like eating the weapons of your enemies, you know, more masculine to eat. Because it's like eating the weapons of your enemies, you know, after a great battle, a medieval battle. That is a noble tradition of the great warriors. We get back to the long hut and we eat the weapons of our enemies. Yeah, well, I mean, that's the thing is that it's not a thing that happened

as far as we knew, unless people made edible weapons, which was probably just a passing phase. Yeah. I reckon you could probably hit somebody with one of those turkey drumsticks. You see a lot of sword swallowers. You don't see a lot of sword chewers. No.

That's a circus I would be interested in. But if you were in battle and you found out that one of the guys on your side ate the enemy's weapons, you go, Jesus Christ, that guy is the greatest. Now, I'm not suggesting that a Volvo is a woman's weapon. I'm just mixing things around. I'm sorry if this is in any way. We're creating a heady silver broth indeed. It's very possible that there were some tribes that ate the

weapons of their enemies. I mean, there was a time at least where people... But I think that they did not live to tell the tale. Right? Sure. That's why we don't know about them. They've been omitted from history. Yeah, exactly. I think there's a caveat to this phrase, history is written by the winners, except the winners who eat the weapons of their enemies.

They have to get other people to write their history, but often they don't get around to doing that either because they've died from the shards cutting open their guts. Exactly, yes. from the shards cutting open their guts. Exactly, yes. I think this company that makes butch vegetables, we also don't use conventional farming equipment. We do it all with swords. That's really good.

Just drag a sword through the soil to both loosen it up and then to get that little tray where you can pop a seed in. Yeah, we fight the vegetables. Do you have to put the seed on the end of an arrow tip and then fire it into the ground? Like you're shooting the earth every time? Yeah, absolutely correct. Every act is an act of killing. It's an act of rage. Made with rage.

You know, a lot of the advertising around farmers and, you know, farmers markets and all that kind of stuff is that it's made with love. Well, this is made with pure, pure rage. That's right. This is frustration. Yeah, this is the farmer's market, which is kind of like the warrior's market. But the warrior farmer's market where the guys are dragging their wives to it you know yeah we're gonna go down to the warmer's market and it's not and it's not quite dragging their wives to it by the hair like a caveman

no but if that was allowed they would do it which is these this is how awful these people are also there may be one tribe to which it's great that we can say this stuff and which is this is how awful these people are. Also, there may be one tribe to which – It's great that we can say this stuff and then say this is how awful these people are at Alistair. Well, I want you to know that this is not – these are not ideas that I think are good. No, obviously not. I just think that this is – this exists in that universe. Yes, yes.

Well, we've – we're just catering to a market that's obviously there. Exactly. We can't be accused of anything. We're just trying to fill a gap here. If we don't say these things, someone else will. If we don't create this butch farmer's market. That's right. It's not going to happen.

I think that you could create a sort of a little fashion accessory, basically, which is like some hair that you could drag. We don't drag anyone around by the hair anymore. But you could create a kind of a mode of transport or something like that or maybe a kind of a rickshaw where it has some hair at one end. Then it has wheels. And you can sit in really relative comfort on a little trolley. And then somebody can drag you around by the hair. But it's not your hair. It's just attached to a little buggy.

I think if it was kind of like a caterpillar-like buggy compartment that you stepped into and then pulled up around you. And then it had a hair that kind of maybe like was near your head. Yeah. And then maybe the thing was see-through. So it kind of looked like your head was in this thing. Yeah. And the hair was connected. And then you could, husband or wife, could drag the other person around.

Yeah. I think the way nature intended by the hair like a caveman would. Maybe this is a new form of environmentally friendly transport, which is where we go back in time. We get cavemen. We bring them to the present day. And then we climb into these sort of see-through bags with a big bunch of hair at the top.

And we get the cavemen to drag us around from location to location. So they're just fulfilling their cave managers. Yeah, and this will be a renewable energy. We'll have a lot of energy because of all the Jurassic-type parks that we'll have with all the spared brontosaurus meat that will be around at the time. Because I think once this is happening... Once we have time travel, we'll go back and get brontosauri.

Well, yeah, or we could just create them through the DNA. Through the DNA, sure. But I mean, I guess if we're going back there. We're going back anyway to get the cavemen to drag us around. But the cavemen are probably not around the same time as dinosaurs. But if we're going back, we may as well go back a little bit further. Well, I don't think it costs more energy to go back further. I don't think.

You wouldn't think that? No, that's not how I would assume time travel works. Let's think about it for a second. Okay. Okay. I don't know how you would go back. Yeah. Right?

No, me neither. But in any scenario where you're traveling further. Going further takes more energy. Yes. And if you're going hundreds of, like if you're going millions of years further. But why does it take more energy? Because of friction. Yeah.

If you're in outer space where there's no friction. I don't think there's such a thing as time friction. If you're in outer space where there's no friction, I don't think there's such a thing as time friction. But are you suggesting that we're traveling to near the end of the universe and then using a telescope to look back because we somehow surpassed where the light... Absolutely not. That's not related. That was just by way of demonstrating

the fact that the reason it takes more energy to go further is because of the friction component, which if you remove it, and there's no friction in the time stream. But there's still mass. There's still mass that you've got to accelerate, right? Accelerate through time?

I don't know. I'm not going to go out on a limb and say here whether or not mass factors in when you're traveling through time. Yeah, I don't know either. I don't know either. But you're right. We can't rule it out. If you've got to take your body there.

Yes. It'd be good if all the timelines were just side by side and if actually you could just get a door to go through them. Like a door that is literally just a door that you could open up and then go into it. It would be good. That would be good that you could just walk through to a different all time. Yeah. That would be the best way to do it, I think. And if it was all infinite numbers of timelines,

you know, like, that would just be, that would make things easier. All the adjacent timelines. Yeah. You do something embarrassing in this timeline, you go into a different timeline. Yeah, you just go. Go lay low.

Well, yeah, you can go lay low, even though you've probably done it in that same timeline, but you just go and hide there. No, you go and find a even though you've probably done it in that same timeline, but you just go and hide there. No, you go and find a timeline where you haven't done the embarrassing thing. But imagine all the data they would have to keep to know whether or not you've done a certain thing. That would be tricky. Yeah. The tracking that would be involved.

Yeah. I think in the early days of this technology, there wouldn't be the tracking, right? Sure. There wouldn't be the tracking telling you all the stats, things like that. We wouldn't have that, whatever the things are that we put at the edge of the universe that tracks every single thing that happens and can interpret human action. But this is a great science fiction concept, right? You are just living your life.

And then somehow this technology is invented of traveling between the different timelines. Yeah. And for whatever reason, it turns out that you, of all the yous, have got the best life. Yeah. Right? And what that means is that suddenly all the other yous want to come and live in your timeline. Oh, yeah. And take your life or whatever.

You think all these people would try to come and kill you? Not necessarily kill you, but also just sort of, things are obviously working well for you here. Maybe they can sort of coast on your coattails or whatever. There might be some who want to kill you, some who just want to like... It would quickly become the worst timeline. Yeah.

And then people would stay away. But I guess it'd take a while for people to realize. Yeah, it's like a gold rush, right? Everyone's like, owls, life is so good in this timeline. All owls, every owl, get over here. And of course they all think, well, I'll be the first one. I'll get in there and it'll be great. But then you end up with all these owls there fucking up your timeline.

But I forgot what I was going to say. This is where it's monitoring. Yeah. And then you move from timeline to timeline. Yeah, I can't remember exactly what was happening. Oh, that's right. And the other problem is that obviously that makes, like all the other yous in all the other timelines

are probably in some way a bit worse than you, a bit more damaged, and they get worse and worse and worse even further away. But they all, like moths to the flame want to come to the one one the one timeline where you haven't totally ruined your life you know what'd be interesting about encountering you're looking around you're like really is this the best one i think if you encountered other versions of you you wouldn't feel the need the way that you do with other people to be nice. Yeah. Or you would treat them so badly. I think you would treat them really badly.

And as you, if this was your timeline, you'd be like the alpha you, and you could force them to, you know, work for you or, you know, do sort of slavery. And you would know how to really hurt them emotionally. And so, I mean, if you wanted them to go away, you would probably try to, you would emotionally abuse them a fair bit. That's the only way you can do it. Fill them with doubt about themselves. But then they would probably be trying that same thing on you.

So this is a bit like the movie Jet Li's movie The One. The One. But with emotional abuse instead of martial arts. Look, I mean. But with emotional abuse instead of martial arts. Look, I mean. Is there a martial arts version of emotional abuse? Are there any? Are there any of the martial arts that are focused on sort of gaslighting and financial crimes. You know what would be great for a mixed martial emotional arts?

Yeah, great. I mean, I don't want to jump too far ahead, but all the different styles of emotional martial arts. I'm just bloody going home for Christmas, am I right? And then you've got the relative that makes you feel guilty kind of emotional martial art. It's just bloody going home for Christmas, am I right? And then you've got the relative that makes you feel guilty kind of emotional martial art. Instead of taking place in an octagon, it does occur at a dinner table. Yeah, at a dinner table. Yeah, it's always sort of a special holiday of some sort every Christmas, which is great when people have a lot of stuff they want to watch.

He's the Conor McGregor of making you feel bad about yourself. Yeah. Which Conor doesn't do that to people. That seems to be a part of it for him. Yeah, you're right. But you know, since he I'm sorry, I'm taking this away. Has he mellowed? Has Conor mellowed? He has mellowed since that loss to Khabib. People were like

I think Khabib before the thing was like I'm going to make him humble. Wow. And it worked. And actually since then he has were like I think Khabib before the thing was like I'm going to make him humble wow and it worked and actually since then he has mellowed a fair bit since then

and then he has lost that recent match to Poirier the fact that you know these names is so insane this is what different thing

you know different if you allow yourself to like during during a lockdown to just follow where your mind wants to go, and if it wants to go to violence... Yeah, well, that is not the case for me.

I can't imagine. Wait, it was the one, but emotional. That's a sketch idea. No, but that's part of leading best life timeline, and then cross-dimensional travel. Yeah, it would start out where it felt like they were leeches coming to sort of take your life away, but it quickly rearranges to the point

where you are at the top of this heap of pathetic versions of yourself. And they'll do anything to stay in your good timeline. Maybe it helps that they've really made things bad for themselves in their other timelines so they can't go back. They're kind of refugees from their own lives. Yeah, I mean, that would happen. But then imagine living with multiple versions of yourself. I mean, at first, that would be like, it'd be great.

At first, you'd be like, oh, this could help out with the kids. I can get myself to babysit. But what if you're the only one with a job? I know, but the other thing is that because of what the bad stuff, whatever bad stuff led these people to cross-dimensional travel to come into your life, they might have had some kind of weird abuse thing that you wouldn't really want to trust them with your kids. It's really possible. If you met another you from another timeline,

would you let it look after your child? Yeah. I mean, maybe if I really needed it. If he was a pushover like me, I absolutely would. And as long as he's the coward that I am, I would have the confidence to allow that person to watch my kids, you know, and who is knowledgeable in the way that

hurting something is bad. And I guess any version of you would have had your parents. That's true. To a certain extent. So they're going to be less fucked up than your common fucked up person, I think. Unless your parents in the other...

No, they have to... The parents have to be more or less the same when they have you, don't they? Because otherwise they would have had sex at a different time, had a different sperm. This is really interesting. That the points at which children are born, if you exist in a

different timeline, it was born under the exact same circumstances as you. So that is a branching point. That's a real like, that's cool. Yeah. So at least if anything fucked up happened to them, then it would have happened after you were born. Yeah. So unless like they became really angry.

Like, you know, sometimes somebody has like a back injury or something like that and it just makes them angry all the time. Yeah. You know, so maybe that happens. Both your parents have back injuries. Oh, no. They were both lifting you. They were making a bunk bed for you. And they were lifting the top bunk because you had asked for a thing to look like

something that you would like. A geodesic dome at the top of the thing. I want to sleep on top of a geodesic dome. Splayed out. Like Snoopy. And then both of their backs were wrecked by trying to lift this thing, which is very stable.

It sounds like my back's not going to be doing too well in a couple of years. People will realize. But like father, like son. And then you come out to our timeline, this is other you, and you are like, I'll watch your kids, you know?

I'll watch your kids. I don't know, honey. That guy's back doesn't look too good. Your wife is trying to take you aside to try and talk about how bad the other version of you's back looks. Well, that's a reason to not trust him. I would love to judge the content of a person's character by the strength of their back. Don't judge a book by its cover. What about its spine?

That worked out actually much... When I was going to say... When I started that sentence, I was going to say back cover. But I think even as I saw you forming the word spine, I was like, no, I'm going to get on board with this word. This is much better. I didn't know I gave... I didn't realise I was..., no, I'm going to get on board with this word. This is much better. I didn't know I gave... I didn't realize I was...

You're giving out signals. You're telegraphing. I'm telegraphing my jokes. I'm going... I'm mouthing them before I say them. Well, that happens with my kid. With Otis, I'm thinking of jokes all the time. Right? But, you know, for bits or whatever things we're writing.

And then I just just when i'm thinking of so sometimes i whisper these things i think i may have said this on the podcast but sometimes i don't know if you have and so sometimes i whisper those things i go it's fine yeah that's a creepy thing and then he goes what did you say daddy and i go oh nothing and he goes no daddy tell me what it is like that. And I go, well, I was thinking about how books and blah, blah, blah, and then spine. Anyway, that's fine. He goes, that's not very funny. I go, thank you. But sometimes you do have to say things out loud to feel like you've sort of saved them into

reality. Otherwise, if they just stay in your head, they can go and you can be, you'll never know if it was even actually a thought. Or just like sometimes you get the shadow of a thought and you're like, did I just have a thought? And it's like, sorry, I'm gone. Oh, I know. And then by saying it, you save it into that solid,

you know, long-term solid state member of ephemeral sound. Yeah, but at least you're taking it from being information that's only in your head and turning it into information in the universe. Information in the universe that also goes back into your ears. Back into your ears, yeah. It goes back into your head and you get a bit of a loop going.

I don't say necessarily jokes out loud, certainly not that my children hear, but sometimes I do remember something deeply embarrassing I've done in the past and groan out loud and the kids will ask me what that's about. Really? But I have to say, regret, son. That's regret. That's the sound that you make when you've made mistakes.

You wouldn't know about this yet because you're not fully aware of yourselves. But when you become that. A big boy. A big boy. A big boy like daddy. You're going to have responsibilities. And one of those responsibilities is going to be periodically refreshing the murals of shame that are painted on the inside of your skull. We should make a quilt of regrets that we can put all of our regrets into.

And every time. One of my regrets does relate to a quilt. Really? Yeah. You actually have a quilt regret in real life? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When we were at primary school, I don't have any memories from primary school.

So you know that I've done something that I now consider to be embarrassing. And all the different squares of the quilt, the children wrote different poems on them. Anyway, I wrote a really earnest poem that I can tell you, I can recite the very earnest poem that I wrote. On the quilt, what is it? It was something like this.

The hope is yours. The pain is yours. The truth is yours. The world is yours. The truth is yours. The world is yours. But don't forget the choice is yours or something like that. How old were you? Definitely the last line was don't forget the choice is yours. And I remember at the time thinking, fuck, this is clever.

Fuck, this is deep. And not fuck, obviously. But how old were you? I would have been like grade 4 or 5. Andy, for a grade 4 you know, you're I think you were you're an early

I am still embarrassed about it to this day. On a quilt from private school. You're an early version of Greta. You're a Thunberg. Yeah, but she didn't feel that self-conscious, well, burning.

You know, there may be reasons for that, but you have, you could have led, you know, a revolution, you know? It's just that your medium you chose was quilting. Quilting. Rather than using the sort of, your voice in social media. a revolution. It's just that your medium you chose was quilting rather than using your voice in social media. I mean, that was the social media of the time.

You would write something on a quilt. They'd pin it up in the gym. You'd hope a lot of people saw it. You're literally putting a post on somebody's wall. Exactly. Andy, we actually have five ideas. Yeah, I know, but are they going to withstand being annunciated? Andy, some actually have five ideas. Yeah, I know, but are they going to withstand being...

Andy, some of these... I think this is all better than last week's. Yeah, that's very possible. We got a guy who won't eat food from male plants. We got tribes that ate the weapons of their enemies. Oh, I was going to say about that. There could be one tribe that survived back in the Bone Age when you would make bone weapons and then you could... The bone age!

The famous bone age! I think there would have been a bone age. Welcome to the bone age! Welcome to the bone age! I'm gonna do a bone... We got lots of bones! What's that? Steampunk? Bone punk. Bone punk. Yeah. It is nice though. It makes it sound like it's all people

with boners, but it's not! It's not bone... That's all people with boners, but it's not. It's not boners. That's boner punk, which is definitely something we would come up with on this. We perfected the technology. This is a very good idea. Because what is steam if not a – Hydraulics. Basically hydraulics.

I mean it's more closer to pneumatics, but it's moving things under pressure from place to place. It's more closer to pneumatics, but it's moving things under pressure from place to place. It's the closest midpoint between hydraulics and pneumatics. It's really, it's the brightest pink you can get. Exactly. In between the two. Yes. And what we've done with, and speaking of bright pink, we've tamed the penis. We've harnessed it.

We've isolated it. And we're able to reproduce penises Outside of the human body In a lab In a lab And then instead of The industrial revolution Is one that is made up entirely

Of penis-based technology Where they are Via strategic arousal Used to make articulated machines And transportation It doesn't seem that crazy It doesn't strategic arousal used to make articulated machines and transportation. It doesn't seem that crazy. It doesn't. I mean, the combustion engine is essentially like somebody made a mechanical penis, the piston, and then they made a mechanical vulva or vagina, the chamber within the piston.

Yeah, I think you... The bore, piston bore, I think it's called a piston bore Piston bore? Yeah Right? And then they made six of them They made six of them and then instead of squirting

The cylinder It's the cylinder, of course The cylinder And then instead of squirting say, ejaculatory fluid Well, yeah I mean, you're very close, Alistair And then instead of squirting, say, ejaculatory fluid. Well, yeah, I mean, you're very close, Alistair. The movement of the penis isn't powered by the squirting of the ejaculatory fluid. No, no, no, no.

But let's say if either the penis or the vagina in this scenario was one of them was squirting diesel. Right? Sure. Then the pressure. Yeah. It's the pressure alone ignites the diesel fuel. Yeah. So it's pressure ignition.

It's not. It's pressure ignition. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you could do this if you had lab-grown vulvas and penises and you had six of them and you put them in a row and you attached them to a flesh wheel

with a with obviously two erect penises that create the I hope someone really important is listening to this podcast. I hope David Cronenberg is listening to this Because he'll just go ahead and make the film

And I want you to know you're all important But when I say Important I'm only speaking with regards To me making money in my chosen Field of attempted comedy There are different types of importance Every single person Everyone plays a different role in your life

Some people play the eccentric billionaire Who gives you untold millions to make your penis engine. I mean, I don't want to make the engine. I want to make the movie where somebody makes the engine. You're okay. I mean, I'm like Werner Herzog. Well, actually sometimes, you know, Werner Herzog

to make Fitzgeraldo, right? He told the story of somebody pulling a boat over a hill, right? But in order to do that, to tell that story, he had to pull a boat over a goddamn hill in the Amazon. And if I want to tell the story of the Industrial Revolution going slightly different by instead of using metals, maybe we didn't discover how to refine metals. But maybe we just discovered how to lab-grown genitals. Lab-grown... Lab-grow genitals, right?

And we harnessed the power of the erection to be the thing between the two wheels. What's that called? The axle. Yeah, the axle. The axle. If you could keep that blood in there at all times. Sure, yeah.

Nice axle type arrangement. You get an axle arrangement. And then you did it. Anyway, it's going to be good. What am I writing here? Lab, grown, penis, industrial, genital, nice and inclusive. Industrial revolution. That's correct, Alistair.

I'm really glad we got there, and I'd like to apologise for most of the things in this episode. How dare you? Which I don't necessarily feel that maybe we expressed ourselves in a way where it made clear the irony. I'm not being ironic. But I was about some of the things. Okay, well, I wasn't, and I want to be held to account.

I need to be held to account. I need to be held to account. Otherwise I won't learn. I'm begging to be cancelled. Some people will only listen to the bits where I say something that sounds offensive and they'll think that I don't want to be held to account. But if they've listened all the way through the episode, they'll know that I deserve

this. I deserve to be held to account. I mean, I've already had a better career than I think I should have had that's right and you'll just be redressing the balance and the force exactly

does anybody ever during an apology when they've done something wrong say I deserve this not yet but like I told you I'm gonna be the fucking best at apologizing

you're gonna soak up that criticism you're gonna take it all on board so much. People will say, they'll be like, it's almost like he didn't spend 23 years in Canada, in Australia, and spent his whole time in Canada. It's full. It's like his apologizing is like his dad is an honorary Canadian, which he was. Was he really? Well, he didn't win an award or anything like that.

But he spent enough time in the Children's Hospital of Montreal that he learned French. And then, you know, then he was. Has he been a nurse his entire life? Yeah, but now he's kind of that thing where you kind of like manage things at the hospital. So he's not really nursing now. God, that's so noble. Do you think it's a noble profession i think it is a noble profession and i think that if i did it i would quit really quickly because like you did with teaching like i did with teaching because it would be so hard yeah so hard and you would be so un like literally who applauds you where do you

when do you get the applause yeah but you have you get to have a dark sense of humour you know on the thing you laugh about people dying hey

you want me back around oh come on don't quit now maybe someone will die tomorrow and we'll we'll get to make some really dark jokes about it exactly we can do some weird stuff with their face

we can sort of pull their cheeks up yeah when their family's not looking well yeah We'll get to make some really dark jokes about it. Exactly. We can do some weird stuff with their face. We can sort of pull their cheeks up. Yeah, when their family's not looking. Well, yeah. I mean, but the darkest of jokes is when the family is looking. We've got three words from a listener. Sometimes the darkest of things happen. In the dark. Under the light.

Under the light of the eyes of a family member. In this case, they think that it's that really early belief that a seeing comes from light emitted from the eyes. We did this last episode ourselves. Ibn al-Haytham. Ibn al-Haytham. Ibn al-Haytham. Ibn al-Haytham. I'm so sorry. We're going to go through words from listeners.

Andy, I don't know if you know this. But that wasn't him. Ibn didn't think that. Oh, he was the one who didn't think that. He was the one who didn't think that. It was an ancient Greek who thought it. Ancient Greeks were the ones who thought a lot of bunch of dumb stuff. Euclid.

Euclid thought it. He thought that rays were emitted from the eyes. God. And we so confidently were emitted from the eyes. God. And we so confidently use his geometry like that. You use your geometry? No, thank you. Like that's probably. Is there anyone who thought something that wasn't stupid?

You know, politicians. There are no other geometries? Politicians constantly use mistakes that people make as a way of, you know, as a way of discrediting a whole person. You're going to do an ad hominem attack on geometry? Well, I don't know. I think that we should just assume that all Euclidean geometry is probably incorrect because of how little care he put into it

with a thought of others. It's crazy. I guess there aren't 180 degrees in a triangle. Maybe not. Andy, have you even ever checked? No. I've literally just accepted that. What do you even do with your protractor all day?

You probably sit around just watching YouTube and your protractor just sits there uncaressed by your fingers. I'm not inclined to use it and if I was inclined I wouldn't use it to measure the angle of my inclination.

I knew that was heading towards a joke. And I was really happy that it was. And the payoff was there. But I just, you know, I want you to know all the laughter was internal. That was not a payoff. It was a payoff. Yeah. Okay.

So now three words. We got three words from a listener today, Andy. And they're from the listener Dominic Stevenson. Hello, Dominic Stevenson. Dominic Stevenson. Ah. Hello, Dominic Stevenson. Dominic Stevenson. Dominic Stevenson. Dominic Stevenson. Dominic Stevenson.

Dominic Stevenson. Dominic Stevenson. That was really fun. Yeah. It was a great rhythm. You wouldn't think that we're drinking rosé. Rosé. Rosé.

Rosé. Godé. Rosé. God, I was almost. Let's just start a club for the rosé bros. What about the brosé rose? And we drink rosé and we bring each other roses. The brosé roses. Roses are covered in thorns. That's very... That's as close to blood as you can get.

Dominic's three words. I'm going to guess them? Yeah. Reticulum. Was there an E-T in that? Yeah. That was really close. Yes.

Fetch. Fetch. Is it fetch? Yeah. That was really close. Yes. Fetch. Fetch. Is it fetch? No. It was wet. Wet. Wait. I wonder if we've had these words before.

But I'm going to try the next one. Cubic. Weather. Wet weather. No, we haven't had these words before. Wet weather. Don't say something like leather. It's not leather. No, no, no, no, before. Wet weather. Don't say something like leather. It's not leather.

No, no, no, no, no. I wasn't going to say something like leather, Alistair. Give me some fucking credit. Great. Pleather? I'm glad you stayed away from something like leather. Thank you. Andy, the final word is buffet.

Wet weather buffet. Think about it. These are such good words. So firstly, you can't have anything crunchy because it'll – It'll lose the crunch. It'll lose its crunch. Except for this one thing that I had at Embla in Melbourne recently, which is the restaurant that Indiana –

You had a crunchy broth, didn't you? Yeah. There was this thing. Indiana's brother and my wife's brother is a fancy restaurateur. No, he's a chef. He's very, very good. He's very good, and he works at Embla in Melbourne, right? And there was this thing that I had there recently, and it might have been a cherry tomato thing.

I mean, you think of a cherry tomato dish, and you go, whatever it's going to be, it's going to be awful. But it wasn't. Anyway, what was in it? It was very liquidy, very liquidy. But when you ate, it had a pine, I think it had pine nuts in there, but it wasn't the pine nuts that were crunchy.

But within this liquid, this wet thing, was so much crunch. So much crunch. I don't know how I would even deal with that confluence of textures. It was so wet and it was so crunchy. And it was such a high-pitched crunch. Literally, my guess was prawn shells, shrimp shells. Yeah, but they're not going to put those in a broth

no I know but what if you made them small enough it was like it was like such a high there's no way they're feeding that to people like

like that and then I think it was fried thin pieces of sourdough or something like that like so maybe basically a crouton

but like a hyper crouton hyper crouton that was kind of but it's been decimated into a thing with pine nuts and things like that. So you can't see any evidence of where the crunch would come from.

It's crazy that it wouldn't just go soggy as well. Because, you know, you put a crouton in a broth, it's going soggy. Absolutely. But I think it must just be there's so much oil covering it that it's a protective shield. That's very clever. A coating. Yeah, protecting the crunch. You know, it's like the oil is the guardian of

the crunch. You know, and that's how miracles happen. Every miracle has an explanation. Of course there is an explanation. And it feels like this is almost like the kind of thing that Jesus would have done. Oh, absolutely. He made a crunchy soup. He made a crunchy soup. He made a crunchy soup.

At the last supper, he brought out this bowl. Everyone's like, what is this soup? Crunchy. And Judas almost thought about letting him live after that. He was like, oh, maybe I won't tell the Romans. I'll have another bowl and then I'll tell the Romans. And it's classic. And he wouldn't tell that in the gospel according to Judas.

Oh, no, because you don't want a secret to get out. Actually, you know, they did find the gospel according to Judas somewhere. They found something. But they haven't included it in the First Testament or whatever it's called. I think they should. I think it's just exciting. Mix it up. I mean, I'm sure Bible sales are down.

Yeah. And to add a new gospel in there? Mate, you've got to get the new Bible. Because people are going to be like, whoa. It's got this craziest gospel. It's get the new Bible. Because, I mean, people are going to be like, whoa. It's got this craziest gospel. It's got the Judas Amendment. You know, I mean, people would love that. That would give you a new Old Testament and a new New Testament.

No, it wouldn't give you an old one. I don't think it changes the Old Testament. No, but what if Judas had some opinions on the old one? I don't think you would put them into the old one. I don't think the old one contains any opinions of any of the people from the new one. But why not? Yeah, why not?

Like, you can have a bit of gossip. Yeah. Actually, he could say what... Gossip gospel. What Jesus thought... Gospel girl. You know, what if it was like... What if Judas had written down

what Jesus said about the Old Testament? Actually, I would like to know that. Yeah, I mean. Maybe, Alistair, we should be careful. The Bible might actually contain that information. Yeah. We are talking about something about which we have absolutely no idea. I would love to read it.

I just want to know what's in there. Yeah. It must be good. But you know what I'm worried about? I might become a Christian. Oh, I'm going to hate that. I just want to know what's in there. It must be good. But you know what I'm worried about? I might become a Christian. Oh, I would hate that! It would ruin my life the way I lead it in such a

horribly, you know, sinful way. Carefree. Carefree and careful and sinful. I'm carefully sinful. And sin-free. Sin-free and carefree. Carefully. I think that's all of them.

Carefreeful. Anyway. God, people are being patient with us this episode. Okay, wait. I don't know, but are we going with Jesus made a crunchy soup as the wet weather buffet? I mean, maybe. That does seem like, that was an idea that came from that, wasn't it?

I mean, in a way, I was talking about this other thing. But it was inspired. But in a way. But in a wet weather buffet, it's such a great. I know, yeah, wet weather buffet. Such a great trio of words. What foods could you have in pouring rain? Like an open bain marie. Yeah.

I feel like a lot of meats would deal well with that. Right? Sure. Meats made to be part of an animal. Animals made to be outside all the time without going soggy. Like no animals go soggy. That's the thing about them. There might be some animals that go soggy.

Let's see. But I just think if you're designing an animal, you don't make it absorbent. Because, you know, then it'll just fall apart. If you do, I think maybe you've got the snail. I think we're all absorbent. That's why we get dehydrated. I don't think the snail is soggy. Maybe a moth.

I don't think a moth would deal well with it. I mean, you've seen them fall into the toilet bowl. And that powder. I don't think powder deals well with water. You've got to keep your powder dry. You've got to keep your powder dry. Gotta keep your powder dry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so like,

okay, what's the intro, entree? The intro to the meal. Yeah, the intro to the meal. The setup. The opener. The entree at this wet weather buffet.

You're going out there. What are you eating? Porridge? I mean, unless you design a bowl That has another bowl above it With a little stem So it's kind of like an umbrella I mean we could design

An entire range of crockery Which has Wet weather crockery Wet weather crockery And every The bowl has a roof So it's more like a little cave And you reach into the cave

That would keep the heat in I could have a little door A you reach into the cave. That would keep the heat in. It could have a little door. A little door you open up. It's like keeping your food in a bunker for bombs. Exactly. What's a bomb shelter? Bomb shelter.

Bunker for bombs. Bunker for bombs. I like wet weather crockery. I like designing an entire range. You know, instead of putting all the people in bomb shelters, why not just put the bombs into one bomb shelter? And then that would protect the rest of the world. That's beautiful. If you shoot a bomb shelter up to be around the bomb before it lands and explodes,

you've saved everyone. So we're making bomb shelters that we can shoot into the sky. It's bomb-seeking bomb shelters. Yeah, great. No, I mean, I just think that, you know, wherever all the bombs are, they should get all the bombs and just put them in a big bomb shelter. And then, you know, we can live our lives.

Exactly. In the open. The bombs... Do you think the bombs stay in a human shelter? I think it's for them. You could call it a human... There is a scared of you of... The bombs are as scared of you as you are of them, Alistair.

Do we have this? Should we just wrap this up? I think we've of them, Alistair. Did we have this? Should we just wrap this up? I think we've done it, Alistair. Yeah, okay. We've done our job. I'll take us through the things, even though I feel like we've already taken us through it. We got Brose.

We got Guy who won't eat food from male plants. We got tribes that ate the weapons of their enemies but couldn't write down. Even though they were the victors, they couldn't write the books. They were so hungry for weapons. They could have waited until after they'd finished writing down their notes before they had their food. But you know what?

You've got to get a big bunch of weapons. They're still hot from the fighting. And fighting really gets you a hunger on. Then we got you're the person leading the best life in the timeline, in all multiverse timelines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then people start coming into your dimension, and it's like the one but emotional battle.

They start emotionally battling each other. Then we got the emotional martial arts mixed EMA. Really good. Yeah. And then we got lab-grown genitals industrial revolution. That's where instead of steam engines first or whatever, it was all lab-grown pussy and dick. Pussy and cock engine.

I mean, we thought last week's episode made people horny. The flesh engines. That's the sound of your car starting up. You're driving down the road. Wait, wait, listen to this. This is where he's going. Oh, that bros-ay. I mean, Thomas the Tank Engine would be a very different show.

Oh, absolutely. But, you know, maybe it would teach kids a little bit more than it does right now, a little bit more than just morals. Quite conservative morals. Yeah. How to be a dork. Yeah. Lab- grown gentleman. It's a show about how to do what you're told, isn't it?

Essentially, yeah. It's pretty. Jesus made a crunchy soup and that's one of his miracles. Yeah, right. How's the soup crunchy? Maybe I shouldn't tell the Romans about them. And ye, Jesus made unto them a crunchy soup. And they spake unto him, and they said, What is this?

This is broadshells. Jesus spake. Nay, he said unto them. Guess again. Is this turmeric in this? Nay. Turmeric has no texture. Thank you so much for listening to In the Think Tank. That was the show where we came up with a number of sketch ideas.

I was Andy and he was Alistair George. We thank you so much. Thank everybody for listening to the show. We thank you so much. It's really good that you do that. Thank you for supporting us online and listening to us. You can support us on Patreon. You can review us on iTunes.

Yeah, yeah. Let's start begging for iTunes reviews again. I haven't done that for ages. And it's really nice when people do it. Well, people did it for the pop test, and that felt really nice. That did feel really nice. We got 100 of those real quick. What?

100? Yeah. Well, I don't know if we got the reviews, but we got 100 ratings those real quick. What? 100? Yeah. Well, I don't know if we got the reviews, but we got 100 ratings. You were involved in making that happen. Definitely some of these people were involved. That's really special. Thank you. Thank you.

And again, thank you. We don't know yet if we're going to get more. But you'll be the first to know. Whatever you did has definitely helped our chances. Thank you. That's right. Yeah. And we thank you for coming out to Teleport,

those of you who are capable of doing it. We thank some of you, like Jason, Brian, have even just sent us money that is like, that is like, that is, they were like, we can't be there, but here's some money as if we were. For a ticket. Thank you. That's so kind.

And then everybody, anybody who supports us on Patreon, it's a ticket. Thank you. That's so kind. And then anybody who supports us on Patreon, it's unbelievably kind. Thank you so much. Anybody who listens to this show, if you listen to this show, I want to say thank you. And another shout out, if you want to get on the Discord, it's a bit of fun. Yeah, so how do they get to the Discord?

It's not too hectic as well. A lot of these Discords, there's a lot going on. This one, it's just the right amount. It's just simmering. Sometimes it's just people trying to guess how whales work. You've got to get part of this. You've got to get inside. How do they get to it?

There's a link in the show notes. Link in the show notes. And I have a strong feeling that the people who are on the discord for Twin the Think Tank are some of the best people in the world. I feel genuinely, genuinely honored to be a part of that. Thank you so much for being a part of not only our Discord, but also our lives. And we love you. And he's having trouble stopping the recording.

He doesn't know how to work the mouse. Oh, there it is. We're about to go. We still love you. I forgot to press record.