Simple Swedish Podcast - 289 - "AUTUMN OLYMPICS"

Episode Date: June 8, 2021

Slug Slime Mouth Guard, Summer Olympic Slip n Slide, Autumn Olympics, Odd Wheel Dorks,Insured Butt, Car Butts, Private Health Benefits, BDSTRESSM, IBSM, BBLIBYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastJoin the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereAuthentic denim thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Progressive casualty and trans company and affiliates, National Average 12 Month Savings of $744 by New Customer Surveyed, who saved with progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential Savings will vary. This counts not available in all safe and situations. Gaspar, gaspar, gaspar, gaspar, gaspar, gaspar, gaspar, yes, boat. We did it. We did it. No, it's sometimes we both choose to make do a word at the same time. Yeah.

Yeah, well that's the, you know, alps cycles. Nobody wants. Nobody wants. Yeah, I guess, I guess that can just happen sometimes. It's true, but yeah. And we'll see. Hello and welcome to Two in the Thing Tank to show where we come up with five sketch ideas.

I am Andy. And I'm Alistair George William, Trumbly virtual. And what a joy it is to be here with you today. Discussing sketch ideas and coming up with them. I mean, I wonder, do you think gods ever come up with a sketch idea? I know we talk about God a lot. I mean, I guess if he's us, then he comes up through. This is we are God coming up with sketch ideas. He's us, then he comes up through. This is, we are God coming up with sketch ideas.

Mm. I'm just wondering if there's any difference between, like for God, if there's any difference between imagining something and it becoming a reality, because there might be some sense in which, we are all just a manifestation of the mind of God. And if that's the case, can he have a thought that doesn't in some way exist? Can he have an idea that is just an idea, or does it necessarily by virtue of his nature as an omnipotent being become a truth in as much as anything is a truth. So if he were to try and come up with a

sketch idea about a man who has tongues all over his back, you know, a classic sketch idea like that. Would he be able to discuss it with his god friends without a man, a tongue back man, popping into existence? Do you picture that person sliding down a big slide? I do, I do. I do. Oh, they're back. I mean, it could be, could be, yeah, on their back, could be their main motor transportation.

Yeah. Like a fast snail. Mm. You know what I'm disappointed by? Snails that snails can't slide downhill really fast. That, yeah. They should be able to with their ooze. Their ooze, but I think maybe one of their features

that we think of the ooze as being slippery, but I think it's also very sticky. I picked up a slug the other day and to get it out of the house, because we have somehow in our bathroom just fucking enormous slugs just get in there all the time Just huge they're like you know like like come from six eight centimeters long these slugs I don't know sounds like sounds like hell yeah, well so far I haven't come back ever trodden on one in the middle of the night

I but I live in I stopped in. I've stopped saying this, I've stopped saying this off pop, but come back to the city. Yeah, we've sorted out the slugs. This failed experiment of living in a rural area, just give up. Urbanization was in part the quest of humanity to get away from slugs. Disgusting shit you tread on in the

night. I found one slug in my bathroom once, and that was enough. I moved out of that house. But I picked up this slug, right, and then it got some of its ooze on my hands, and then I tried to wash it off, and I couldn't wash it off. Like, I don't, it was, it was somehow super slippery, but super, super sticky. Like, it stuck to my hand, but then like, when I tried to wash, it was like, the water, like, couldn't penetrate it. The soap didn't do anything. My hands were super slippery rubbing them against each other because of the water, like, couldn't penetrate it. The soap didn't do anything. My hands were super slippery, rubbing them against each other because of the slime, but it remained stuck to my hand. I don't know how you do that.

I don't know how you make something that has both those. Salt. Salt water doesn't dissolve, doesn't dissolve soap. So it could be a thing like that. Maybe it's a salinated thing. Oh, but then if you put salt on it, oh, no, no, no, it's like, what? They're dead.

They had it. They shrivel up. Mm. So maybe it's not that. Maybe it's a new thing. Maybe there's a new compound in there. Maybe there's a new condiment there. It's a new thing in there.

You know, something else that we can put on. I know, but imagine a condiment. It could be a condiment that you could put on your tongue and taste it. It'd be a long lasting taste because you wouldn't be able to wash it away with water. Because you know that's the problem with most foods is that you taste it and then the taste dissipates. And if it's something really nice, you actually want it to last.

Now we did talk recently on an episode of the podcast about having some sort of slow release flavor capsule in your mouth, so that you're always tasting your favorite flavor alistair. I'm sorry to put that out there. But I mean, we have so many thoughts. We could have hit upon a way to do this, in a practical sense,

which is that if we can use the slug technology and coat the tongue in whatever that fucking slime is, we can then just get that flavoured slime, you know, it'll stay there on the tongue. And yeah, you know, you could have that, you know, no matter what you're eating. This is the great thing about it because your tongue would be totally insulated from, this is really good actually, Alistair. I think this is a sketch, I do.

Now that I'm saying it really feels like one. When you were saying it, I was like, this doesn't sound like anything, but now that the words are coming out of my mouth, I don't know what it is, but they're really starting to hang together. But it's a coating so that you can go, mouth, I don't know what it is, but they're really starting to hang together. But, you know, it's a coating so that you can go, you know, how there's like some countries where their

cuisine does, you don't enjoy it, right? But you can get this layer of a sort of a tongue-protective layer of cuisine that is sort of a flavoured condom for your tongue, but the flavours on the inside. And you pull it over your tongue, but the flavour is on the inside. And you pull it over your tongue and then you can go out to dinner with your beloved to her favourite restaurant. And while she's eating cuisine of Guatemala, you are tasting. Oh, see the cuisine is paraguay. Oh no, I'm... Yeah, I'm probably usually the paraguay and Panama. Yes. Panagay. You could do half your tongue. I know you're a guy who

loves to buy a two half pizza. Yeah. Which is definitely a category of guy. And you could get half watermelon, half, I don't know, you don't want watermelon. Half panaman, panaman. How would you spell panaman? Do you think panaman? Panamanian. I think it's panamanian. Nah, that's panaman. It's panaman, panaman.

So then it would be P-A-N-A, M-A, and then another A and then and sure great. It's all P.A.s. Amazon. That's it You've heard the that classic joke that is like you know such and such is so selfish He buys ribbed condoms for her pleasure and then he turns them inside out Well, how about such and such is so selfish that he buys flavored condoms. And then he turns them inside out and puts them until the flavor is gone. They're just plain condoms. Just plain. Just. Um-hmm. Original flavor. It's there's no way whatever those flavors are.

There's no way that they're like, they're not going to be natural flavors. They're going to be those artificial flavors. And they go and you know, they're not good. You know, that artificial cherry flavor, one of the worst things in the world. That artificial banana can't stand it. I don't, I don't love artificial banana, but I love artificial grape. More than I like grape flavor, grapes, the flavor of grapes. I don't mind artificial grape.

I like artificial cherry. But artificial cherry is awful. There's a world of difference between those two things. Artificial cherry is like, like it really, the chemical taste is so at the front there, it's just, they've gone so heavy on it. It's super medicine-y, yeah, it's real unpleasant. Medicine is a flavor by the way.

I don't know what it is, but I think medicine is a flavor. It could be an entire flavor group, that medicine flavor that you get sometimes. I don't know, you know, because we got the umami, we got the salt, the... I don't know what umami is. I don't know what it is either, Alistair, but people who talk about flavor talk about umami. I know, but they've only started talking about it in the last ten years. Yeah. You reckon it's a...

And so, yeah. A myth. I heard somebody refer to Umami as being like, oh well, we all try to get Umami by like, like, cooking stews for a really long time with things like that, and I go, it's one of the flavors in stew. Yeah.

That's your... That's your... I'm a flavor reference point. Well, and then in, in, in, in, uh, G-Ro dreams of sushi, some guy goes, you know, it's like when you drink a beer and then it makes you go, I like that. Yeah. So that's like two points of reference. It's way, it's way too abstract, doesn't it?

It's, yeah, you can't, you can't just, they're like trying to paint a picture with negative space. It's, come on guys, we need a cogent reference point for this. Okay? I've heard people talk about, like it's a kind of a salty sweet. And then I'm like, well, then that's just like, that's just mixing two other things together. Okay? And that's not a new thing.

It's just a blend. Yeah, I'm not sure. Anyway, I'm not sure anybody knows. I'm not sure anybody knows what we are. But, Alistair, have you written anything down so far today? Well, just the slug slime condom to protect your tongue from flavors to trap other flavors in. Yeah. I guess.

I think that if you are using the slug slime, this thing firstly, you could cover your body in it. Let's say you're a person who's like, I think the showering is actually bad for you because it gets rid of your natural bacteria. Mm. Right, so you're kind of an anti-cleaner, anti-clean. Yeah. Right. You could use that slime, which is a shield from soap. Cover your whole body on it. Get it? Right? Yeah. It's a nice

sheen. Yeah. Yeah. Makes you slippery. Hard at a grab. That's good. That's, you know, that's a form of... You could superpower almost, you know, big Travel on your back. You know, imagine that being able to just like do you think you could have something that's slippery enough That you could go down a road on your back with bare skin, but then just that slime between you and it I mean that have to be it would it would protect you that have to be mean, that would protect you. That would have to be a serious layer. But I can see it working. I'm wondering why at the summer Olympics,

because at the winter Olympics, we've got the Luz and the skeleton. Can't remember which one's which. But I don't know why we don't have the slip-in slide equivalent at the summer Olympics, just going down on your thumb, down a big sheet of plastic tarpaulin or something like that. And you know, you could have two different versions, one where you're allowed to grease

yourself up with washing up detergent. But also, I reckon there's scope to have one where it's all natural and you're only allowed to use your natural body secretions to slime it up. So, you know, people who are super sweaty, super, super slimy naturally, will be able to do that.

I think that they should just blend both of the winter and summer Olympics together, so then. Ah, the autumn Olympics. Well, yeah, and so, but so, so then. That's a great idea too, but that would be sort of like leaf catching. In a... Ropping through piles of leaves, yeah, you're right.

Dressing for the weather, that's an entire event. Yeah, and then using a sponge to catch dew off of moss. How full can you get your sponge? Yeah, a plastic order of activities. Have you a sponge wins? I think umbrella management in a windy environment. You know, I feel like I'm quite good at umbrella management, which means obviously pointing the top of the umbrella into the wind

so that it doesn't get skudoted and broken. And but also a verse sailing. Yeah, it is. Yeah, staying in the same place while holding a big, big wind sock type arrangement. I mean, I'm assuming autumn wind is a thing. It feels, it feels windy, but maybe that's, I don't know if autumn wind is, I think, but maybe. I mean, you see the wind more because of the leaves. That's what I was about to analyze. Maybe it's sort of a reporting error or whatever you'd call it. Like it's an issue of visibility.

Yeah, definitely. You can't see the wind. That's what I always say. Yeah, but I've definitely written down autumn, I've written down autumn wind, I meant autumn Olympics. I got, yeah. But I think like the idea I had before, which was that it's a shame that the winter Olympians don't get to perform also in the summer Olympics. So it feels like you could replace, you could replace a lot of the,

like just have the winter Olympic, the summer Olympic version of a lot of those winter things. So instead of, you know, instead of a Bob sled or skeleton, you would just have slip and slides and water slides. You know, so Bob sled would be on the big tubes. Yeah. And slip and slides would just be a person on, you know,

by the, just in their swimmers or whatever. Yeah, yeah. A lot of the skiing events would just be water skiing events or those skis that are on wheels, that you can, that'd be a cross country ones or skis with wheels that people use for some reason. I know this isn't exactly what we're discussing, but I love that guy, that video of that guy

who's just got like wheels all over his body. You know this guy, he's got them on like, he's in the news and shit and he just goes down there. And he's just going down a really big hill. Big hill, but with cars on it, right? He's on the road and there's just cars coming up and going down and he has, I assume, no way to stop, right?

It's, yeah, I think, I think if you want to stop, you pick a tree and you wrap yourself around it. I mean, you pick a nice softwood, like a pie or something. Not one of these hardwoods. You're not aiming for a blackwood, something with a good millimeter or two of give. That's your life zone right there. People don't realize when you cover yourself in wheels

that actually there's more to it than they actually got to know quite a bit about trees. Yeah. Yeah. I think it is as an arborist before I even strapped on a wheel. Before you start throwing even one wheel. One wheel, one big wheel. Hey, Alistair is on wheel in the middle of my back. I know this is an off-pot idea, but I was thinking about this, right? And I was thinking that the even numbers of wheels is cool. But odd numbers of wheels is uncool, right? Because four wheels, it's a car, that's cool. Three wheels, that's a tricycle. That's not cool. Two wheels, that's a motorbike, that's cool. Three wheels as a tricycle. That's not cool. Two wheels, that's a motorbike, that's cool. One wheel, that's a unicycle. That's as uncool as it gets pretty much. And then zero wheels, that's a hovercraft, and that's cool again.

And is zero even? I feel even. It's got a very even energy. Well, it's a symmetrical number that it has at least one axis of symmetry. And so that's as close to even as it can get. I think so. And then I was trying to think of a five-wheel thing. And an office chair is five wheels.

So that's also uncool. Right? Is he? Do you think that that could be a like a unit of a law of nature in some way? Yeah. I agree. I think. Yeah. Great. I mean, the interesting thing would be to explore, you know, for a scientific theory to be meaningful. Exactly. For a scientific theory to be meaningful, it has to be able to make predictions. You know, that's the test of a valid theory. So we'd need to look into whether or not, you know, we'd need to build a machine, like we're Bitcoin mining, we'd need to find the machine that has the highest possible number of odd or even wheels.

Yeah, I think the trouble with the theory is that once you get to a certain point, it's actually just cool to see something with that many wheels. You're right. You're right. It probably breaks down at high levels of complexity. Because let's say something has 201 wheels. Yeah. And you're like, actually, wow. Yeah. Wow.

Well, it is significant that the odd number gets much less cool, as the numbers go down, till you get to the one wheel unicycle, as the least cool motor transport basically. Yeah. So, whereas do you think that maybe with, with even numbers, it gets cooler, the less numbers it's got? I think it does. The lower the number? Yeah. Yeah. I think so. Covercraft, probably the coolest. Probably the coolest. Wait, wait, wait, but what about those, those kind of hoverboards in invertecomas that are those two wheeled things? Oh, if the wheels are next to each other, yeah, or a segue. You ride.

The access of symmetry, if you rotate it, they are not cool, are they? Yeah, they're not cool, are they? Yeah, they're not cool. Ah, but it was amazing that period of time where those were in. And then suddenly I saw a guy using one inside 7-11. Yeah, wow. And what you thought that was great. Well, I was like, it's amazing the confidence that suddenly it's gone from these things don't

exist to this is how I move around even indoors. I come off the street, I keep riding. Yeah. And they're illegal, aren't they? You'd think they became illegal. Right. Yeah. Because you'd think that being illegal like that would give them a kind of a, a first

song of coolness, make them cool again, but they're like, they're so uncool, they're resistant to even that. I mean, I did like how some people's houses were burning down when they were charging them. Yeah, that's pretty bad. That's a big, that is cool. But that's kind of independent of their functionality as a form of transport. Yeah, they don't really need to work for that to happen.

In fact, if anything, it's actually a function of preventing them from running down. Because then you're working less. Yeah, because usually if the longer it's out of the house, the less likely it is to actually burn it burn it down burn that house down. Yeah Anyway, I don't know if that's anything Do you have a house insurance? I think so. Yeah, I think Carly sorted out. I should probably check Yeah, so like like if your house burned down you'd get money. Yeah. Yeah, why?

Why do you ask? What have you heard? Just want to wear the excess bits of my house that are on fire. What's the excess? Yeah, do you have excess when you houseboons down? If you have like, well, that's what I wonder. It's like, you know, it's like, you know, with a car you do. Yeah. That's what I wonder when your houseboons down, do they go, all right, well, we'll pay for your house, but you always 25 gray into whatever. I mean, it still feels like it might be worth it in the scheme of things, but what if you didn't have that 25 grand, you'd be fucked. What about third-party house insurance? I guess so.

So that's the way they would just take it out. Furns my house down. Yeah, or like, or your house gets blown off of the thing and runs into somebody else's house. Exactly. Or just, you, I guess you would just have compulsory third party house insurance, which is for when your house hits a person or a person walks into your house, maybe. I don't know if that walks into it like via the front. If my, if my house did catch fire, presumably because of something stupid I've been doing, like that feels likely that that's why it would happen.

And then that fire did spread to the neighbor's house and burned their house down. Could I in some way be held liable for that shit, right? Because it sounds like it might be my fault. Right? You know, I was soldering, you know, you know. Why have you heard any rumors that you're doing some dumb shit? I can confirm the rumors.

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Well, anyway, sorry about that. That was a bit of a off-the-track thing, but... I'll stay, that's like... What do you think would be the best thing to have insurance in? Like, to best thing to insure, you mean? Like, it best thing in my life to insure. Yeah, like, okay, like for example example, there was a thing there was a thing years ago where people were saying that Jennifer Lopez or something like that had

insured her butt. Yeah, I heard the same thing about Kylie Minogue. Yeah. Yeah. Now, is there any value in me as just a common man insuring my butt? I wonder if Jennifer Lopez say she writes her butt off, right? The insurance company comes along, takes a look at her butt and says, this is a write-off, okay? But she would have to call them up and say, oh, I had a butt accident. Yeah, yeah, sure. And the inspectors come around, okay? And then they, I guess, take her butt to the junk yard, to the junk in your trunk yard. Okay. And she gets a new butt.

She gets a, like, she gets, what do they call that thing when you get like the a new version? Right, you get the equivalent. Anyway, somehow you get the equivalent market value of, you know know as new but she gets a 20 year olds or maybe a baby's a baby's butt. A baby's butt. Yeah.

And then I go to the junkyard. I'm looking for parts for my Toyota Corolla. Okay. And I see there on the heap. I see JLo's butt. Okay. Yeah. And I guess you know you could get that,

you could take that to the panel beaters, and you could get them to fix her butt. Now this is sounding a bit gross. Now I've got her butt for some reason. Right? They probably don't tell you whose butt it is, but you do have Jennifer Lopez's butt at this point. And I just don't know what I do with it.

I guess I drive it around. Yeah, I mean, it still makes so much more sense that the outside of our cars should be soft and not hard things. You're absolutely right. Yeah. Like, why don't we have rubber butts outside of our cars so that when we run into each other, it's just a soft little.

Do you think it's because they think that, I mean, I doubt that this is why, but do you think it's because people would think it would encourage them to bump into each other? Yeah, bump and butts. Yeah. You know, but um, I, yeah. Bought to butt. Oh, my traffic was terrible today. Yeah, you know, but um I yeah, oh Mate traffic was traffic was terrible today. It was butt to butt out there

It was absolutely butt to butt Look I'm just gonna put butts. I mean it implies to be It's not like the doors of the car are big butts and you've got to sort of separate the cheeks and squeeze in there to get into the car through the cheeks of the button then you let them go and they go slap back together again. There's not a but there's not a but hole they're just individual cheeks so there's no anuses on the car but it is. Yeah but it's but it's a relative it's a good enough seal that it keeps water out and burglars. I think if your door was a butt, right?

So instead of a, so we've got a door, it's a butt, right? And you've got to slide between the two butt cheeks to get into your seat, right? But it is a decent seal that it keeps water out. But also also when you Lock the car, press the thing. It just clenches the butt. Yeah, great. Right. It clenches the butt and then no robbers Yeah, cool. I mean, I don't know how we're dealing with windows and stuff like that The body doesn't really have many transparent components,

and certainly the butt doesn't have any see-through. Oh, you know, maybe there might be some aquatic creatures that have a transparent butt. Yeah, I think if you could use, using squid technology, I think you could, I think you could see everything inside a squid's head. So if it was sort of squid skin butt, which also makes it less weird and it's probably more

futuristic. I don't know if that makes it less weird. I don't know if making the butt at a squid skin is automatically makes it less weird. No one's really going to see it as a butt. It's just going to be like a like a flat closed door and it's water resistant. We already know that see it as a butt. It's just gonna be like a, it's like a flap closed door. And it's water resistant. We already know that because it's a squid. And probably salt resistant,

which is actually better because you know in Canada, when you've got salt on the roads. Salt on the roads, when you rust your car. Yeah. Do they ever put any pepper, any umami on the roads? Oh, you mean sweet salt, uh, stew kind of flavor? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they do that. Yeah. Yeah. Right. That's good to know.

So look, just just just back. Oh, sorry. If you had a place to go, you can take me there. But I didn't. I just really didn't. I really didn't, Al, you're helping me out. Because what I didn't get to explore yet is this idea that what if, like, as a common person, is there any value in you ensuring your butt? Like, you could see this being an article on a sort of a money first kind of website, like a family finance type

thing. What are the benefits of you ensuring your own butt? Like you say, oh, you may have heard that Jennifer Lopez ensured her butt for $20 million. Well, but should you take a dip into the butt ensuring world and see. And so then it talks about the scenarios in which, you know, dip into the butt-insuring world and see? And so then it talks about the scenarios in which, you know, what if your butt burns down or, you know, or what if you burn your butt? What if you sit on a stove? And then you can't sit down.

Well, a lot of our work is actually, so actually, you could get an insurance payout. If you sit on a stove, you can often get an insurance payout that buys you a standing desk, for example. Okay. So they don't repair your butt, but they are going to try and modify your lifestyle. Luckily the butt is self-repairing, to a point. Depends on how long you were sitting on the stove.

Maybe you had just had butt cheek surgery and you couldn't feel anything. So I take a lot of care of my butt, don't I? I'm getting butt cheek surgery. I mean, I take a lot of care and then I don't take a lot of care. I'm taking butt cheek surgery. I am getting butt insured, but then I am also sitting on stoves.

So. Well, you don't, I mean. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. You have that stove that has a very flat surface, right? Oh yeah, I do, I got that induction. Yeah. Induction, right?

So it's not like, you know, it's not like sitting on the stove at my house, which is gas. And so there's all these metal, sort of rough metal prongs that would be, you know, I wouldn't need butt surgery, just for sitting on a cold version of that. Yeah, you're right. A lot of prongs and things like that. There's a lot of metal, I've been grazing, I'd be prodding, there would be all sorts of

things going on. Now, you could sit on your stove, right? Assuming that you're wearing your sort of induction underpants. That's what I was going to say. That's what I was going to say underpants. That's what I was going to say underpants. That's what I was going to say underpants. That's what I was going to say underpants.

That's what I was going to say underpants. That's what I was going to say underpants. That's what I was going to say underpants. That's what I was going to say underpants. That's what I was going to say underpants. That's what I was going to say underpants. That's what I was going to say underpants. That's what I was going to say underpants.

That's what I was going to say underpants. That's what I was going to say underpants. That's what I was going to say underpants. That's what I was going to say underpants. That's what I was going to say underpants. That's what I was going to say underpants. That's what I was going to say underpants. That's what I was going to touch my butt. I thought my butt is a moon at this point. You know, I put my butt up on a pezzly and I assumed that it was like the unsinkable Titanic. I basically thought I had the untouchable butt. And that's what led to this hubris of me sitting on induction cook stoves within punity.

With chain mail underwear. Yeah. So. And so then, okay, so let's say you've completely, you've absolutely wrecked your butt, right? And so now you go to your insurance company and you say, what are my options? And they say, well, my options and say they say,

well look, it is repairable, but you're not gonna be able to stand up for a while or sit down. So now you're looking at probably a payout for hours of work lost unless you can work laying down sort of with your arms, your hands under your chin, and your elbows on your bed, like a teenager on a phone call to her boyfriend twirling a phone

cord. Yeah. Chewing glove. Well, it turns out that that's actually the healthiest way to, the healthiest desk is the teenage girl on the bed desk. It's an occurence study. It's an occurence study. the healthiest desk is the teenage girl on the bed desk. It's an accruation study. It's like that.

Yeah, recent studies are showing that. It puts you on your elbows. Standard desks are even less healthy than we thought. And that's the only way to do the right thing for your spine, for your physiology. I guess you could do a sort of a cutesy phone line, like paid phone line where people call up and you, you know, you, I don't know, you talk to them about like their favorite babysitter club books.

Well, what about it's just a call center, right? It's just a regular call center where we do, you know, IT support for Telstra Broadband, right? Yeah. But because it turns out that that's the healthiest way to be on the phone, the call center itself is just full of beds with heart shaped, frilly pillows on them.

And all our employees, male or female of any age, lie on the beds, propped up on their elbows, twirling their hair between their fingers, and chatting on a, on a landline phone where the cord comes all the way from the kitchen.

Yeah, it just turns out that we get much better quality, yeah, gum in their mouth. We get much better quality, yeah, gum in them out. We get much better quality of feedback from the clients. They like it. They find it much more casual and much more friendly. Of course, you have to get to work. So you've had to have a bike designed that is a laying down bike, but where you're laying on your front and you're pedaling with your arms. Yeah. Do you think you could, I mean, that sounds like the kind of thing that you'd be

building at home when you burnt down your house. Yeah, that's, that's me. Hey, I want, I have more things to say about, uh, uh, uh, butt insurance. Uh, and one of the things I want to say is it's, how is this different to regular health insurance? Because in a way, isn't private health insurance sort of ensuring your body to be like, if something goes wrong, will repair your body, will get you the best equivalent body that we can? And if you can ensure it, like,

oh, shoot them then, you know, you, if you're, if you want to do a special insurance of your butt, it's like car insurance, but when you've got a very rare, one-off classic vehicle that's going to be difficult to replace, you know, we're not going to be able to get you the same butt on the open market. They just don't, there aren't any nearly as good as this. And then maybe, yeah, maybe you could, you could insure other, you know, maybe there's

sort of a version of health insurance where you just insure your body bit by bit rather than insuring the whole thing. You instead of that full comprehensive health insurance, you just insure the bits that you value the most. Yeah, and I guess that probably does internal butt stuff as well. It probably protects you against, you know, it like ensures you against kind of colon cancer. I don't know if it should have a low base. Also, it should have colon. I mean, but if she got like irritable bowel syndrome, that would put maybe be bad for her body.

I'm not sure. It would certainly be bad for her botzoning capacity, I think, right? Which is pretty much what it's all about. Her botzoning, yeah. Yeah. I'm lost in the coming. I guess. Yeah.

I don't know. Yeah. It's a really interesting idea. Look, the thing is, is that health insurance to me, I mean, and I'm looking at it from the outside here as a person who has never had it. And in a country where we do have very good public health insurance, where you don't seem to have to pay

almost anything, almost ever. Yeah. Private health insurance seems to be a thing where you pay all the time, even when you're not using it, and then when you do use it, you pay extra. Yeah, and they try not to give it to you, right? Like if something goes wrong, they look for ways to not have to pay you. It seems like a scam. Doesn't seem good.

You know, I guess their problem is that they're competing with the public service, which is where you get everything for free. And they're trying to find a point of difference, right? And it's hard to find a point of difference. And maybe the one that they've found is, well, what about you get everything's more expensive all the time. I mean, that's different. That's different. You can't argue that that's different. But it's more expensive in a room alone. And you go, oh, a room alone. Well, I suppose if I am going to be, yeah, but at the same time, it's like, well, I'm not going to be spending that much time in hospital. And hopefully, you know, and so my, if I am going to be there, it

would be nice to have some kind of life experience where it's not just me alone with my thoughts. So being in a room with somebody else that can either provide comfort through conversation or make you feel better because their life is worse. Oh, so much worse. Or make you feel better because they see that your life is worse and then you get to feel that thing where it's like somebody feels sorry for me. That's pretty cool. Well, I mean, maybe if you have good enough private health insurance, you can choose who goes in the room with you.

You can tour the wards, the public wards, on your rhinestone hospital bed. And you can choose them sort of like you would choose an orphan in an old school orphanage. You find the sickest person. They line them up like sex workers in a brothel. Yeah, I was picturing like they like they line them up like uh like sex workers in a brothel. Sure, sure. And you can ask them a few

questions, but you can just pick the one that you like the most, you know, yeah, this all lady looks pretty chatty. Yeah, not too chatty though. I think it's that's the thing. You're you want something that's going to give you what you need as a Yeah, not too chatty though. I think that's the thing. You want something. Yeah, not too chatty. You want something.

You want something. You want something. You want something. You want something. Yeah, not too chatty. You want something. You want something. You want something.

You want something. You want something. You want something. You want something. You want something. You want something. You want something. You want something.

You want something. You want something. You want something. You want something. You want something. You want something. You want something. You want something. But also, they know when to sort of give you a groan or something to just remind you that some people have it worse off than you. Yeah. So that's a sketch of some kind. Yeah. The benefits. We've had the sketch in the past about where you, to make your lottery, bigot say you win

five million dollars, you actually get the winnings given to you by somebody who's recently lost a lot of money as well, to make it feel better, even greater glory. And this feels the same in a way. Or similar, I don't want to say the same because they wouldn't be able to write. I mean, it's got to be one of the only benefits that there could be to being at a private hospital over the other thing.

Now, Andy, I'm worried that, no, I know that this three words thing, we're up to the three words bit. And I'm worried that I, you know, I mentioned last time, I think I've lost full control of the three word list. Yeah. And I think every single week I'm doing one that has been done before. And I think that this could be the same scenario again. But let's just try. Andy, today's listener is Ian Whitehead. Hello, Ian Whitehead.

Hello. Ian Whitehead. Thank you. Let's try and guess where Ian Whitehead would be from. He's definitely from England. There's no question. That's one of the most English names I've ever heard in my life. He's from Bath. In Bath, in Shropshire. I don't know if Bath is in Shropshire. I don't really know what Shropshire is, but they're both fun places to say. Shropshire. That is fun. Shropshire. Shropshire is fun. Shropshire. It's hard. That's the one thing with the UK is that it's hard for them.

Because they, it's hard that they claim superiority over the English language, right? It's like, well, of course, we know how we're, it's how to speak, like the right way to say things. Because we're English. We're English way to say things because we're English. We're in England, the birthplace of English. Right? But then the fucked up ways they say things,

the variety of ways in which they fuck up the way they say things. You just go just say something, just say it in a normal way like a North American That's that's the confidence that you get from having the home ground advantage I think right? There can't be both the this is the correct way of saying things and Here's a hundred different ways that you could say things. I think, yeah, just by definition,

the correct way of saying things is the way that they say them. So they can say fucking anything. And yeah, you know, it makes you think that maybe the correct way of saying things, there isn't such a thing, and that's actually probably my true belief. But also, North America, they had a little bit of distance. You know, they were able to look at it from, you know, look at the English language from outside of England

and maybe give it a more objective point of view. And they chose a kind of a more neutral point of view. And they chose a more neutral accent. Yeah. You know, something less extreme, something, something where the vowels and the consonants were pronounced. They're normal, something nice and normal. It's weird that before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or or before or or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or or before or or before or before or before or or before or before or or before or before or before or before or or before or before or before or or before or or before or before or before or before or before or or before or before or before or before or or before or before or before or before or or before or before or or before or before or or before or or before or before or before or before or before or or before or or before or before or before or before or before or or before or before or or before or or before or before or before or before or before or or before or before or or before or before or before or before or or before or or before or or before or before or before or or before or or before or before or before or before or before or or before or or before or or before or before or before or before or before or or before or before or before or or or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or or before or or before or or or before or or before or or before or or before or or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or before or or before or before or before or or before or before or before or before or or before or or before or or before or or before or before The full eye are E, shire. You know, they go, oh yeah, that kind of follows the rules of like, oh, there's a single consonant in the middle there. You give it the hard eye, you know, you end with the E, you give it a little bit of elongation

at the end because of the E, shire. Do you think that, you know that when they first landed in America, those whoever they were, the pilgrims, they took a big sigh for a leaf and they said, finally we can talk normally. Yeah, they go, blah, oh, they just shook it off. They just, I think, yeah, it feels like there's been a pression. There's a pression on the people to force them to talk like that

I'm sorry everybody from the UK, but also you're welcome Let's go through Ian Whitehead words who hopefully doesn't come from England for his sake. Yeah, he sounds like a philosopher, like an eminent philosopher. I would read a book of philosophical musings by Ian Whitehead. Absolutely. On Ian Whitehead on... On Knowing. ...Trillness. Oh, again. On Trillness. And you'd have it...

I'd have it like you'd write one of those mini books all about it and you go, well actually shrillness originated. The idea of shrillness originated in the 1500s during the melting period of England's melting period where everything all solids turn to liquid. It was just the screaming. It was the screaming at this occurrence. Anyway, so do any trying guess what Ian's three words are?

Mmm. So far you don't have any letters correct. Parasol? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Ah! Plant! The stress. Awkwardly. Sexy. Stress. Yeah. Yeah, well. So it's like stress.

Mmm, that is give it a... Like a good... Kind of a horny vibe. Mmm. Right. But in that way, like somebody who's kind of a geek and they don't know it, they don't know that their stress is sexy. Well, I don't think many people know that their stress is sexy, right? Which is, I think, which I think makes it more appealing, you know, because it's like they're

not, they're not, they're not, they're not carrying that stress around with that confidence of like, yeah, you know it. That my, that my stress is sexy. As you know, there's nothing attractive about confidence. That's true. That's what it's, that's what everybody agrees. Andy, can I come back in just a moment and you keep going? Yeah, sure, Alistair. Obviously, I've obviously got this under control. When I hear awkwardly sexy stress, yeah, it does make me think of

like a some sort of group of some kind of stress fetishists who you know rather than doing some sort of BDSM thing where it's about you know physical pain and or or you know humiliation or whatever that is It's it's just to do with being under the pump, right? Overworked and under the pump. And I guess instead of a BDSM dungeon, you'd have some sort of BDSM corner office where you're on the desk, or you're at your desk,

and people keep bringing in new Manila folders and slapping them down on the desk. And every time another one slaps down on the desk like that, you get a little jolt, a little thrill of just that extra workload that you know it's going to take you, you're not gonna be able to get home for ages and You yeah, you know, you're probably going to have to work the weekend as well and the more that those those slaps the more it piles up

the the the hornia you become and Yeah, I think that. So I've worked out the sketch, right? It's sort of a version of BDSM, but it's for people who get off on being stressed and overworked rather than other forms of pain or humiliation. And instead of a sex dungeon, they have a sex corner office and you sit at the desk and people come in and slap down, you know, more and more big manila folders full of reports that you've got to complete and that sort of thing. And you're getting lots of angry phone calls from people, you dead lines you've missed and that kind of stuff. And the more the stress builds up, the harder you become. I mean, the problem is that you've got

so much work done to do. You're not going to be able to get home to your beloved to make good on this situation. Sure. But maybe it's one of those ones where it's... It's like a masturbating one. Maybe it is, yeah. Just do it alone in your work which would be even more stressful than your office in your studio. You're right, especially when you've got all this work to do. I can't believe that would really build to a crescendo and Well, that's stressed just getting horny or the more you masturbate. Yeah Anyway, is that is that it? Is that anything? Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah, but there's also IBSM Somebody get rid of a Biles syndrome masochists

Yeah, and they really need to go to the low is that it? Yeah, I mean what's the massacres part? Is that when you're really mean? I mean to yourself or mean to... I think, because I think one of the problems for people with IBS is that is that terror of not knowing when you need to go and like not wanting to be in a situation where you might have to go in a big hurry and surely one of the worst cases for that would be when you're in one of those zipped into one of those rubber gimp suits.

I mean, that would be... Yeah. Or by your chain to the floor in a rubber gimp suit. Oh, no. Yeah, no, of course, but then, is the masochist pit part, is that the being mean bit? No, that's the saddest thing. The masochist is wanting people to be mean to you.

But that's cool because then you'd be like, yes, do it to me, irritable bowel like that. And then you'd cheat yourself and you'd be like, I'd just serve that. Yes, and then you cheat yourself and you'd be like, I deserve that. Yes. And then you'd walk around with just shitty pads, just going, yes, humiliate me. I mean, in a way, I feel good for this person. Because they, I think it's actually a great way

to, you know, maybe if you can't cure your IBS maybe you can develop a fetish for it, you know love love yourself It's a great it's great way to put a new spin positive spin on you know something bad You know love yourself and great shit and love yourself in great You know, it's yes, it's a it's a is it a crisis or is it an opportunity? You know, that's just that's right. You've got to you just got to look at it in a different way Just the more public the situation the better. Oh my god, and then there are definitely there are definitely people who would have this particular Fettish right You think so? Shitting themselves in public.

Yeah, I'm sure I've sat in trams or train seats that they've sat in. Oh, God. But yeah, I think also that scenario where you would get both the relief of getting done to you, what your, what your kink, you know, demands. And also the relief of finally getting that, that terrible business done. It's a double whammy. Yeah. I mean, this has been a pretty grubby episode of the podcast, I think. Is it?

I think in some ways. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let's go through it. Well, and I don't think it? Think in some ways. Oh yeah. Yeah, let's go through it. Well, and I don't think it's actually been that grubby. I think you just, I know you think butts are grubby. But look, we got slug slime to condom your tongue to protect from flavors and trap others, other flavors in.

That's of course when you're going to that Guatemalan restaurant that your beloved loves and you are instead trapping some panaman and what's another Rio de Janeiro cuisine into your tongue so that you can taste that the whole time and not taste any of the Guatemalan flavors. Exactly. Then you got, you know, like Bolivia, it's like it's all about potatoes. People there just eat potatoes. Don't stop.

Do you think there's a country like that where you know, there's like, they're like, oh, yeah, we got 500, you know, varieties of potatoes. Yeah. Do you think there's a country that's like that, but with capsicum or like red peppers or green peppers or bell peppers, whatever they call it, other countries? It feels very likely. I think one of the downsides of that is that those ones don't have the same deep carbohydrate

intensity that you know, like there's nowhere where capsicum is a staple, I don't think. Yeah. Like, there's nowhere where capsicum is a staple, I don't think. Yeah, I guess because it's not something you can sort of store underground for long periods of time or whatever, but maybe if they, maybe what they, they jerky the capsicum or something like that. I mean, that feels actually not too distant from being possible. You know, raspberries, is there a, is there a culture somewhere on earth where raspberries were their dominant crop? And, you know, they're such a friend that do a big plate of raspberries. Yeah, raspberry soup is just, yeah, it's raspberry

soups, just water and raspberries. It's jam. To big bowl of jam. They've added like a lot of sugar or do you think they've added sugar and salt to make that? I mean, it's a fair amount of, yeah, you're right. You can get that raspberry amami. Raspberries are rumami. Then we got, we got the summer, summer Olympics that are integrating the winter Olympics events. And they're probably doing the same thing for the Winter Olympics in the summer Olympics. I would like to see people running on ice. Yeah, it's the ice running. They probably got cray-pons on. No.

And then they got the pole one, the pole one with the big pole and then you go up and Steadie go over on, you know, you're jumping over a iceberg. It's so dumb. But that You knocked the top of the iceberg off. That doesn't make sense. Anyway Isn't it interesting that that thing, that bar that you knock off in the high jumper in the pole vaulting, it's very similar to that bar that you knock off

on a cricket thing. Yeah, you're right. Could we invent a new form of cricket where the people, they'll throw it above, take the place of the ball. So you don't throw the ball, your objective as the baller is to actually run down the pitch and jump over the stubs without knocking off the bail. But the person is still standing there with the bat trying to hit you It's cricket with noble

So it's the the guy who would normally be bowling the ball is just running guy who would normally be bowling the ball is just running. He's running. Yeah. Yeah. Tristan, it tries to not get hit by the batsman. Tristan, I can't kill. And then while the person, the, the bowler, who's now just the runner and jumper, and has to then try and jump over the high, the high.

Yeah. And then I guess after they've, after they've jumped over the thing, they then have to try and run to the boundary to score a four or whatever without getting caught by any of the fielders. Without getting, yeah, or getting hit by any bats. I think maybe everybody else has a bat. So if you get over the, if you get over the, over the bar, but that's one, that's one, that's one run, right? If you make it to the boundary without getting hit at all by any bats, not even nipped, yeah, then that's a four.

And if you can manage to climb into the audience, without even getting hit, that's a four or six or whatever it is. I think the baller probably also needs a bat so that they could fend off some of these bats. So that people. Yeah, because it's too fucked otherwise. Yeah, especially that that bit where you're laying.

You're laying on the mat after you've jumped on the wicked keeper. Yeah So as a bat it's gonna just be waiting to just smash you But you're gonna be ready to roll you gotta really roll off that man real fast I don't know if there's a mat because you could probably just jump over it without Landing in that way. It's not a really high without landing in that way. It's not a really high way. Yeah, as the match goes on, as the match goes on, it keeps getting higher.

Getting higher, sure. Yeah. I think that they can hit you, but it's a big mat. And so you got to be strategic. This feels like what the big basch league should really be. Yes. More bashing. Yeah. So that's cricket minus ball plus high jump. That's right. Then we got the autumn Olympics, which is just all autumn events. That's a different

thing altogether. Then we got odd numbers of wheel are uncool. Possibly, it's maybe a mathematician trying to prove this. Then we've got the insured butt, but for civilians. Civilian insured butt, you know? I'm a civilian, me. Not like Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez. I think that's a different category of people.

Once you're celebrity, high-end celebrity, then we got butts on cars. That's of course a better design for cars, a soft exterior. We got the private health hospital benefits where you get to choose who's in your room with you and they're lined up like either orphans or in a brothel. You know, sex workers in a brothel and you get to pick who you want. Yep. And then you got the BDSM for stress. Yep. And then

you got IBSM, which is shit yourself, love yourself. There you go. Something to be proud of there. Did you write down big, baschlead cricket? Yeah, just cricket minus ball plus here. I'll write in brackets big bash league. Yeah, great Go right go right. It's really really great. It's really really really really really really great It's great. It's great. It's great. It's really really great. It's really really really really great That's my best work and thank you so much for listening to in the thing tank. I appreciate it. I feel like Alistair does too Well, I want to actually I realized today that I didn't appreciate it at all. Oh, I do I do I appreciate it And um, yeah, follow us on Twitter. I'm at stupid old Andy. He's at Alistair TV We're at two in tank. You can support us on Patreon. Thank you to everybody who already does that. God, that's special.

It's really special. It's really special. You can check out the Discord. The Discord, there's a link to the Discord and the show notes. Yeah, check that out. It's a happened in place. People are promoting their own stuff. People are, you know, some people are doing live streams. Maybe I've been thinking about doing, you know, I have for a long time, I've been saying, I'm going to be a guy who live streams. And they've been thinking about doing, you know, I've had for a long time, I've been saying, I'm gonna be a guy who live streams. Yep.

I think I figured out the format now. It's gonna be just my workshop. It's where I'm just gonna go. That's where I'll do all my writing. And I'll just do a lot. It's gonna be live writing and live. Oh. I love it.

And I go, what are we gonna write? I'm gonna write a sketch go, oh, what are we going to write? I'm going to write a sketch live one day. Yeah, great. I support that. Imagine writing a sketch live. I don't know what that would be like. And...

Let's just... Let's just... It'll say, okay, Michael, two dogs. That's cool. Hey, hey, where's my salami? Craig, like that. And then Craig will be like, I told you, it's still in the shop. I haven't paid up yet.

Yeah, you see? And then that's how you start. And then you figure out what it is over time. Pardon me. Thanks so much for listening everybody. And we love you. I love you. This episode is brought to you by Progressive. Most of you aren't just listening right now.

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