Two In The Think Tank - 29 - “CORPORATE MEDITATION”

Episode Date: November 25, 2013

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I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. Welcome to... To In The Think Tank, the show where we try and come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy and I'm Alistair. Alistair Matthews. And thanks very much for switching on.

Switching it on. Pressing play on your... Clicking down. On this digital download that you got from... 24 hours, 24 hours a day. Digital download. Yeah. Find us.

All You Can Listen podcast. Whatever device you're listening to us on right now, you could also listen to Audible podcasts, but why would you? Why would you? You've got this. We don't have a sponsor. No. By the way, that wasn't a sponsor.

We were parodying other podcasts that always talk about Audible. Yeah. That's basically all you hear about. You listen to a podcast and you're going to go, Audible, we advertise on every podcast. Yeah. It's such a narrow-minded view of the listening audience. Okay? Because all they're doing is they're just seeing the person as a piece of ears.

What do we know about this person? Oh, they can hear. Okay. Well, what can we advertise to them? Sound. Great. Let's get on to audible. Audible.

We've got some people who can hear for you. Our audience can all hear. Here's a little bit of money. Here. But maybe that's a great strategy. It's probably better than advertising on TV, I suppose. There you go. Yeah.

These are people that you know use iTunes and other things that you can download podcasts from. iTunes has really done really well with that. iTunes has done really well. A lot of people are anti-iTunes, but I think it's great. iTunes. Why not use iTunes? Exactly. I have another thing for finding podcasts, but you

gotta, you know, it's not as fun. I certainly don't enjoy using it. Well, there's no rating system on there, you know. How does one rate? You don't know the quality of something until you listen to it. So you gotta be at least 30 seconds in, you know? How does one rate? How does one rate? You know, you don't know the quality of something until you listen to it. So you've got to be like at least 30 seconds in before you know how good it is.

Whereas you could just go on the opinions of others, which is how I spend my life. There you go. Speaking of 30 seconds in, this podcast, great. We've just reached the 30 seconds in point, and I think you've probably made that decision to stick around and have a good old listen, because you're a good person. Okay, let's have a sketch about a southerner. Yeah. Okay, I want to come up with more characters.

Yeah, sure. And who's got more character than someone from the south? South, but the south of what? Oh, that's a good question. Antarctica? So he's just like a geologist. Yeah. He's the deep south.

The deep, deep, deep south. He's Argentinian. Sitting there on his icy pinnacle, chewing a piece of ice, looking out at his fields of ice. Oh, it's just like a... It's a very homogenous lifestyle. He's cold. He's cold. He...

Is he studying ice? Probably. Yeah, he's probably one of those people. He doesn't really have a choice. Yeah. You know? Well, that's true. He's probably playing his ice banjo,

and then... Is there an ice banjo? Is there a thing? No. Okay. But yes. I thought maybe it was a subcategory of banjos. Yes.

Okay. We have the wind banjo, the water banjo, the earth banjo, and then the ice. The ice guitar. Guitar. Ice guitar sounds awesome. Yeah. That sounds sick. There could be. There is ice guitar. Ice guitar sounds awesome. Yeah. That sounds sick. There could be...

There is air guitar. Where's the ice guitar? And where's earth guitar? That wouldn't fire guitar. Oh, someone wants to play that, but they can't. You have to be so... You'd have to move your fingers so quickly. Did Jimi Hendrix set a guitar on fire while he was playing it?

I feel like he might have done so. He might have done, yeah. But I'm sure he did it in a safe way. Oh, yeah, under controlled conditions. Yeah, nobody... On an airfield. Like, nobody is that cool that they can just play something that's on fire safely. You know, like, you're cool.

Like, only that monk. Only that monk, only that monk that set himself on fire. He is that cool, but he's not around to tell the tale. Okay. That monk who set himself on fire, that's a horrible thing. Really horrible.

And then it became, what was it like a rage against the Machine album album cover yeah great yeah that is also cool yeah yeah no is it funny to put that monk just in some situation where there is other like there are other sources of distraction like to see how he would deal with, I don't know, just the internet? Yeah, with BuzzFeed. Yeah, with BuzzFeed. Yeah, and then...

Because that would be... Like, to see... Like, just to put a laptop in front of him. Like that. And it's just got BuzzFeed. Yeah. And you just see him kind of like... His eye opens up a little bit.

And he... He just looks at the pictures of corgis with top hats most important corgis in hats on the internet Ryan Gosling swimming in mud yeah Ryan Gosling

in different liquids or something so it would just be like people photoshopping Ryan Gosling in different liquids or something. So it would just be like people photoshopping Ryan Gosling into like... Well, jelly's technically not a liquid. No, sorry, custard. Yeah, custard, great. Oatmeal. Yeah. Cooling fluid.

Yes. Coolant. Brandy. Brandy, yeah. Milk. Saliva Ryan Gosling in saliva Yeah just a tub of saliva Because he was saving a drowning child

Is that a thing that he's done? I don't think so I've seen a video of him Breaking up a fight on the street And they're like Ryan Gosling is here Did he break it up like, Ryan Gosling's here. Did he break it up by being Ryan Gosling?

Well, I think that would be one aspect of it. If you're getting in a fight, you're really angry, right? And then somebody's like, stop, and you see it's Ryan Gosling. I'm too distracted to be angry. My problems don't seem so big now that Ryan Gosling is here. Yeah, he's put everything into perspective. angry. My problems don't seem so big now that Ryan Gosling is here.

Yeah, he's put everything into perspective. The monks with the distractions, though, how can we put that in a context that doesn't have to have a monk on fire? Like, what if we're just in a monastery, okay, and it's just the thing of the mobile phones, like monks with mobile phones. How does that play out? You see? And they're sitting down to meditate and they're just... Well, that would be fun. I would like a sketch where it could be like somebody running a meditation retreat or something like that. And there's the super calm guy who's leading the meditation and it's a group of people.

They're all kind of like you know um businessy people that or you know or just city people trying to get some peace right and then you just keep hearing phones go off like so so you mostly just need to just rest on the teacher's face like after you've kind of done a crowd shot yeah yeah right you rest on his face and you just keep hearing like uh phones going like yeah and and you just hear that for a bit it's kind of like it's kind of very relaxed and things like that and then you hear another one that's kind of like a phone ring yeah and suddenly you kind of you see his face like twitch a little bit it says okay and then somebody goes hello yeah i can't talk right now.

I'm in a meditation retreat. We're not allowed to be speaking. And just the monk's face just slowly cracking. He's sprung a data leak, so he can't help but just like. But like, is there a joke to be made about about setting your phones to monastery mode or something like that? There could be. Or possibly, at the end, would it have to be that the monk's phone is going off? Oh, sorry, that was me. It could be.

I just love the idea of the moment where the monk just slaps the ground and loses it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But what if it's something important? That's what people would say. Like, I'm expecting a call. Or like, yeah, the contrast between the guy who's like, you're here to achieve a higher plane of existence. Like, we're trying to transcend reality.

Yeah. But what if I get an important call? My daughter needs to be picked up from the bus. Yeah. My, yeah, my son has peanut allergies and I need to be on call at all times. Yeah. But also maybe that's like the next one

is where he kind of, he adapts and then he turns the monastery. You see the monastery is kind of a bit like a gym these days with screens everywhere. And everybody that's meditating has headphones in. It's like noise cancelling headphones. Right. So you've got to try and embrace the technology. You can't fight it.

This is happening. This is change. Change is inevitable, guys. So it's just how do you work with it? How do you actually make it work for your advantage? So everybody would have like a personalized meditation program and then they can check in and they can get points and stuff. Yeah. People bringing them tea and stuff like that all the time.

Yeah. And they can upload. They have like a little pedometer thing or something that like measures their heart rate and stuff and like uploads stats to the internet so like the less you move and the lower your heart rate the more points you get so somebody's taking

through you've just reached yogi that's actually really good yeah yeah and like using technology

to help you meditate yeah and also gold class pillows yeah yeah where you know people could bring you I'm on the premium package yeah technology to help you meditate. Yeah, and also gold class pillows. Yeah. Yeah, where, you know, people could bring you like... Among the premium package. Yeah, bring you those tiny little, like, taster cups of tea, and somebody pours it for you, and they, you know, they put a warm towel over your forehead.

Yeah, I've got, actually, I've got a personal monk who's with me at all times to just help me get to the next level. And so, is there a monk who's there shouting at them like, you can do this! You're the calmest! You're the smoothest! Nothing's gonna faze you! There's just this ripped monk.

Like, in your face, just yelling at you to meditate hard. He could be played by Mike Naina, maybe. So great. Yeah. Just like yelling at you to meditate hard. He could be played by Mike Naina maybe. So great. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, I think this is good.

Yeah. Like the corporate sort of meditation package or whatever for like for the busy person seeking Nirvana. Like, and you know, I go in and do uh half an hour every morning and that just sets me up for the rest of the day yeah oh sort of like the like like have you seen that that virgin club is that what it is like the you know like virgin airways yeah not the virgin club club of virgins is it virgin that or votaphone no it's i think it's virgin that own like a like a gym kind of place in the city.

There's a gym. It's on Burke Street. Anyway, and you go in there, but there's everything. There's a rock climbing wall. There might be a pool. There's little egg pods that you can sleep in and things like that. It's like that. It's the urban monastery of some sort.

Yeah, great. Corporate monastery. Maybe even like in an office building. It's down urban monastery of some sort. Yeah, great. Corporate monastery. Maybe even like in an office building. It's down the bottom there. So you can go down in your lunch break or something. Yeah. The bottom of every building is a cafe. And a little monastery.

Monastic. Fantastic. Yeah. We. Wait, we. We've reached. fantastic we we've reached we've reached inner what's the inner peace do you reach inner peace

achieve we've achieved inner peace so you don't have to yeah so you can get there faster and yeah montastic I mean but like that's the thing like with with the like with the Buddhists thing like in the sort of you know attaining nirvana things yeah like in some people do it in like 40 years or something yeah surely like like like with else, there's a more efficient way to get there.

Like, you know, they've been doing it this way and maybe 40 years is a great way. Yeah. But through like, you know, sort of like sports science and meditation science, you could get data that could tell you, actually, you just need to do this and this and this. Yeah. And then you can just attain. Great. And wear this kind of particular nylon pantsuit. Yeah, like those kind of pants that you're supposed to wear

when you get a blood clot that help blood flow. Yeah, compression tights. Yeah, they're supposed to help blood flow and things like that. Well, actually, we found that that helps blood flow to your legs, which helps blood flow to your brain, which speeds up the process tenfold. Yeah. So, you know're basically meditating for one minute, you're in there for ten. You know?

It's like, yeah, we've made inner peace super efficient. So much more attainable. Yeah, we've streamlined inner peace. The attaining of inner peace. Yeah. Cut out a lot of the crap. All of it. Yeah.

They get in some management consultants, some process engineers, and they say, look, guys, here's where you could streamline your process. Here, here, and here. Here's where your key points of waste are. Right? You need to fire these people. You need to get rid of the guys who are breaking the rock garden. Yeah. Okay?

They're not, like in terms of KPIs and stuff, they're not actually contributing as much as everybody else. So you want to get a couple more of your chief monks. You want to get rid of some of the lower monks. Okay. And bowls of rice, begging for bowls of rice, that turns out to be one of the worst things for your brain. It's got starch.

Yeah. It's got all this stuff. Look, what you're needing to be, we need you on leafy greens. Yeah. And, you know, okay, you've got to get your partial proteins from your leaves. You get your partial proteins from your beans. Stay the fuck away from that starchy rice. That's way too many carbohydrates.

And let's look at it this way, okay? A monk, sure, he could beg for eight hours, get one bowl of rice. Or he'd work for two hours at a bank, earn enough money to buy thousands of bowls of rice. So just think about it that way. It's just about efficiencies, guys. Okay, that monk could

instead of spending ten years begging for rice for eight hours, he could go to university for three years, get a degree in investment banking. One week's work will get him a year's worth of rice yes or quinoa yeah which is better why will like i said before no rice it's a superfood yeah uh we i'm talking goji supper food supper food yeah supper foods goji berries quinoa uh broccoli all right we? We're sticking away from all these refined grains like that? What are you guys doing?

What are you thinking? You know what else is a superfood? Lollipops. Fairy floss. Superfood. Red frogs. Gummy bears. Kula cordial.

Warheads, actually. You know those warheads that you see when you're out of school? Those really sour ones? Actually, they're a nuclear food. They go post-super. Yeah. Remember how leaded petrol, they called it super? Did they?

Is that what it was? That's what it was. Before we had unleaded petrol, the petrol that had lead in it, they called it super. That's really good marketing. Instead of calling it petrol with lead in it. With poisonous lead. What's a way that we can not say that? What's a way that we can not allude to that at all? Oh, okay. What about lead-full petrol? Well, it's like the thing with Gillard and Rudd,

like calling all their things this tax and this tax. Like, that's what people are, like, don't tell them it's a tax. Just go, look, it's the, you know, it's the improvement levy. Yeah, it's the improvement. No, but I don't, yeah, but I think, like, when we had the, did we ever have an emissions trading scheme? Yeah.

Yeah? I think. I don't even know. Oh, my God. Did it come in and then out really fast or something? Yeah, yeah, but like. Or it was on the books and it was going to be implemented and then they stopped it? Do we have a carbon tax or do we have an emissions trading scheme?

No, we had a carbon tax and it was going to lead into maybe an emissions trading scheme. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but even when we're just talking about the emissions trading scheme, you know, Abbott was referring to it as a tax.

Yeah, right. The great big new tax. So I don't think it was the Labor Party necessarily who was... Right. But basically, you can just lie, right? I definitely can. So with, let's say, with a tax, you're actually saying you could call it the environmental improvement, not a tax.

Right? Yeah. And you just tell people that you're giving them money. Yep. Right? Just lie again. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So it's like, look, it's the environmental improvement, not a tax. We give you money. Yeah. Guaranteed. Right? Abbott's a liar. Okay?

And that's what it's called. Yeah. And then when he says it's a tax, you go, it's not a tax. We're giving you money. We're putting money in your bank account. Yeah. We're lowering your income tax. Nobody knows.

Nobody knows. They're just listening to what you say. Yeah. Oh, your bills have gone down 30%. Have they? Yes. I mean, I don't check. Yeah.

It's like, oh, well, if they haven't, it's because you've been using more. Oh, okay. I probably have. Yeah, that makes sense. I did just buy that thing. I do like more. Yeah.

And well. That sounds like something I would use. More? Sounds like I'm living better and making more money. God, I'm happy. The cost of living, eh? Yeah. That's just the cost of living.

Sounds full on. Like living costs you money. It's the biggest. It's probably your biggest expense The cost of living It's definitely up there That's true Being alive is probably My highest expense

Because then I've got to find a place To put my body every night You've got to think about storage You've got to think about maintenance You've got to think about storage. You've got to think about maintenance. You've got to think about overheads. Fuel. That's hats, by the way. Overheads is hats.

Yeah, and haircuts. And little remote control helicopters sometimes. And bobby pins. A business where people keep talking about overheads and spending money on hats. And old school headphones. What are your overheads? Hats. Lots.

Air conditioning units. Sprinklers. That looks like probably plastic. Oh, that squashed mosquito. Above that, I mean, it's hard to say. Probably insulation. Other people. Yeah.

Kevin from... Accounts is up there. And then I guess the sky. Beyond that, endless reaches of space. International Space Station. I wonder how long we could... Extraterrestrials. We could go on like that

and then at the end the other person would have to say, no, I mean like, what are your costs? Upfront costs. And he's like, yeah, I mean, like, what are your costs? Upfront costs. And he's like, yeah, that's what I meant. Yeah. Yeah, I knew that.

Yeah. Yeah. $50,000. For all that. How can we get that into a sketch? Just the guy, what are your overheads? And then he just lists everything. He looks up and he's like...

It feels like it's a scene in like a steve martin movie yeah no look it's just like it's just a it's just you know it's a it's an office scene uh it could be the dumb ceo yeah this you know or the silly ceo silly ceo the silly yo ceo Leo. C-E-O-O. C-E-O-O-O-O-O-O. What am I doing? Okay. You're making everything better, Al. Yeah?

Thank you. You know, the thing is that I didn't even realize we were in a sketch. That's the best place to be at is when you're doing a sketch and then you've forgotten that you're in it. That's right. You've been looking for sketches. So when you went, maybe we could do that. I'm like, what are we doing? We were just talking about things that are above our heads. I was so into the character.

CEO. No. She didn't. CEO. Oh, no what she didn't ceo no she didn't ceo yes she did ceo look that was great thanks um but look i also kind of like the idea from before about i like because the the politicians that lie to you it's never the ones that feel like they're helping you like they're helping you. They always lie so that they can do something bad, so that they can be more sneaky and then they can steal votes and things like that. I like the politician who's lying to you so that he can do progressive helping the actual world thing.

I almost feel like when we did the civil unions thing, that was a good step, civil unions for gay couples. And I almost feel like that was a little bit of a lie in that it is really close to being a marriage, but someone was just like, well, if we just don't call it a marriage, then maybe we can get it through. They're not getting married. They're getting civil unions.

Anyway, I think in the end, civil union is probably not as good as a marriage. Basically, it's a... If you're in a civil union, I think it's not as... It's sort of like a secondary citizen kind of thing. Yes. So, obviously, we do need... It's not about it not being as good. It's just about the inequality of it.

In that, like, these people get this, and then these other people can't have that. Yeah, yeah. Right? Is it? That's it. I don't really know. As soon as somebody can't have something that someone else can't. Yeah.

Like, um... If you can't all share it, then nobody gets it. Nay? I'm going to take it off all of yours. Oh. Um, Okay, but yeah, how can we have that politician lying or somebody who has to lie to do good things? So let's not call it free solar power. Let's not call it clean renewable energy. Let's call it whatever you want it to be. That's what it is. We're just implementing the whatever you want it to be, that's what it is, program.

It's called the nothing changes but everything is better plan. Yeah. Exactly the same as before, but cheaper and better. And? And free Wi-Fi. That's what we're going to call it. Free Wi-Fi that makes everyone profit. Uh-huh.

Especially you, but especially the government. Yeah, okay. So the new immigration plan, which is going to be like just releasing all refugees into the community and processing them in the community. What we're going to call that is Chocolate Day. Chocolate Day. Chocolate Tuesdays healthy chocolate tuesdays uh fat free fat free and it's not the kind of sugar that's bad for you yeah yeah and yeah so because look because that's what the great thing is, is that you, like, you don't have to lie to people in the, in, like, the plan, the actual, like, detailed structured plan. It just says exactly what you're saying, right? Exactly what you're doing.

Yeah. Okay? It's just when you're doing interviews and when you're naming it and things like that, that's all you say. Because the people who read the documents, they're not who are voting for people. Well, they are voting for people, but they're such a small minority that you just need to just broadly sweep over the general populace and just go,

oh, I heard the Tuesday chocolate day thing where everything is healthy and great. That sounds like a good plan because it doesn't... It makes sense because it makes money for everybody and we're not helping... There's free Wi-Fi. And you're not helping foreign people. It just feels like we're looking after our own.

Yeah. Looking after our own. Yeah. How great are our own? So look, I'm going to write down the... Lying to people. So look, I'm going to write down the just... Lying to people. Politician lies for positive outcomes.

Because what I'm trying to say in this is that whoever disagrees with me politically is hurting people. Great. And my idea, and what I believe in, helps people. Alistair? Yeah. I agree. And I think it's about time you said something to that effect. Yeah.

But is it just me? Like, the left and the right thing, generally, it feels like the left is, it's more honest in what it's trying to do. Yeah. Like, I don't know, is that a thing? It's more honest in that it's like... That is 100% how it feels to me, but I'm massively on the left, and so I don't know. But also that thing of...

Comedy being on the left. Yeah. Being left-leaning because it's kind of like it's logical and it's... Yeah. I mean, but this is what we would say if we were on the left, which we are. But it's actually true that pretty much all comedy is left-leaning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's definitely true.

And... Because it's not just self-serving. Yeah. I don't know. That's what the right feels like. It's just kind of like, it's, it's very kind of like Ayn Rand kind of just worried about the individual. Yeah.

Anyway. And, but also like, this is the thing that I was thinking about, like, is because as well, um, comedy is a lot about failure, right? It's about admitting your personal failures or like the failures about failure, right? It's about admitting your personal failures or the failures of individuals, right? Whereas in a lot of the theory of the right, the individual is supreme. The individual makes the right choices. It's all about getting what's best for the individual and the individual doing what's best for themselves. And they don't really have room to admit that people make mistakes.

So, yeah, comedy is all about, like, admitting failure, dealing with failure. And it feels like a lot of the stuff about the right is about denying failure, certainly, like, of individuals. Yeah. Anyway. No, I like that. Yeah. I like that. Wow.

I like a bit of failure. Yeah, I love failure. Like, that's where I get my better laughs. Yeah? Yeah, it's just from kind of something not working and me going, yep. That's my comedy. Really, I've just got to get out, sit down today, I've got to write probably half a page of jokes that don't really work,

and then I've just got to practice my, yep. Yep. And then you've got yourself a half hour yeah comedy central special coming up yep like yeah being incompetent can kind of work in in comedy you don't have to be the perfect comic like look it helps if you're not yeah it helps well it helps to not be perfect i don't I don't want to be one of those polished, perfect guys. Yeah? Yeah.

Good. Yeah. They're all shiny, like a bodybuilder. That must have been like, do you think that at one point bodybuilders weren't shiny? They weren't shining their bodies. Yeah, and then one guy. And then one guy would have come in and then somebody would have oiled them up. Like someone just went, what if we just put...

I don't know how he would have found out, figured out, but maybe just from sweat. What if he was really shiny? Oh, so, like, one guy had, like, he was just really tight-skinned. You know, some people's tight skin is really shiny. Not really. Not really. I just went to high school with a girl who had a really shiny forehead. And I guess the forehead is kind of one of the tighter areas with skin.

It's pretty tight, right? It's not that tight. Do they still have the Mr. Universe competitions and stuff that Arnie won? Yeah. That still goes on? Yes, of course. We haven't heard. No one's really gone anywhere with the Mr. Universe, have they?

Since Arnie. Mr. Universe isn't as big as Miss Universe. Mrs. Universe. Is it Mrs. Universe? Mrs. Universe. It's the married women only who... Do you know what's horrible about Mrs.? Was that...

I don't know if this is where it came from, but is Mrs. just Mr. and then apostrophe S? Belongs to. Belonging to Mr. Mr. Mr. Mrs. I don't think so. But.

Possibly. It kind of seems like it, though, doesn't it? Yeah. Mrs. Mr. is M-I-S-T-E-R, right? Yeah. And then Mrs., if you want to write that as like a A word

How do you write that? M-I-S-S-E-S Oh no, yeah, Mrs. I've seen like When people are talking about the Mrs. The Mrs. It'll be written M-I-S-S-U-S Right?

But that's I don't think that's like A proper spelling It seems like an Australian Yeah, or Mrs. Mrs. So, does Mrs. exist as a word? Hmm.

Other than MRS? Yeah, because that's really a pronunciation you have to learn orally. Yeah, MRS. MRS. And this is... It's MRS. There was an apostrophe in there. That'd be a really oppressive thing.

That'd be an oppressive apostrophe. Can we have a person who doesn't know what MR as Mister is? And they look at somebody's name written down, Mr. Jacob Thompson, and they're like, Murr. Murr Thompson? Murr. Murr? Murr.

Murr? Murr Thompson. Okay, that's probably not a whole sketch. Muzzles. Muzzles. Are you guys European? What are these? Is this Polish or Czech or something? Uh, you guys European? Is this Polish or Czech or something?

You guys brothers? It could be like China or something like that where your family name comes first. Could be. Yeah. Yeah. You know? Is this, you guys? Oh, another Mr., another Mr. We got a lot of Mr's in tonight. This is a common name. Yeah. You know? Is this... Oh, another Mr... Another Mr. We've got a lot of Mr's in tonight.

This is a common name. Mr. Do people listening realize what I'm doing at all? Because I don't. You know? I don't know what I'm doing, guys. Look. I am...

Dumb. Yeah. Unaware. You know, sometimes when I open up tweet windows, to write something the thing these days that i kind of feel the most often when i'm gonna tweet something that i really want to write is i don't know what the fuck i'm doing i just like i don't know what's what like what are we doing? Like, when we're trying to make a little bit of comedy, like to put a sentence together or something? No, I just mean like... In life?

Yeah, what are we doing? Do you feel that when you open a tweet window? Well, that's when there's something to write down. Yeah. Right. That's the thought that I really want to write down because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. What are we doing? Like, things are happening, but, like, it's just weird.

Right. So, like, you open a tweet window, which is like your little projection out into the world, your little missile that you're sending out there for people to, like, look at and observe and pass on if they like. And the one thing that you really feel like putting out there into the world is, what the fuck are we doing? Yeah, what are we all fucking doing here right now? Sounds like you're craving meaning. Yeah, but... Do you actually want...

But you probably don't actually want meaning, right? You're probably not feeling like, oh, I need to know what it's all about or anything. No, well, I feel that, but I don't think there is anything. Right. So I kind of, I think maybe what I'm craving is, I'm craving a voice, like a direction and things like that. Yeah.

Like an angle. You know, like if I see something like, like when I kind of, I mean, like when I saw the Eddie Pepitone documentary, not that I necessarily liked what he, like how his life is, but that he kind of like, he has a thing that he cares about, which is like social justice and the well-being of the world. Yeah. And then he has an anger that's kind of like that feeds into that yeah and things like that like i don't care about

anything other than the comedy itself yeah right yeah anyway that's interesting yeah um he's got an anger that feeds into that. It's interesting that his caring about the state of the world isn't really the thing that makes him angry, really. It's like he's got this big stock of anger. Yeah. There's just any particular fire he could choose to throw it into. Yeah, it just so happens that he cares about... Yeah, just as well that that's the thing that he's choosing to use the anger,

which is like a fuel almost. He's burning that on this cause rather than just, I don't know. Yeah, but it's also like that contrasting with the selfishness of like, that you have as a person and your inability to sort of control his anger at that as well so like so he he wants to be at peace and he wants peace in the world yeah but at the same time he just can't stop himself from getting so angry at somebody who cut cut him off in the street you know like just god damn just you garbage and then people getting success that aren't him yeah that are younger and blah blah and all these kind of things like that so like it's yeah it's also the contrast and the contradictions and things like that that kind of make it work like that.

And I want that. I want inner turmoil. But in a way like when I ask for things like that, I kind of end up getting them and I'm going to be really unhappy. You want inner turmoil? No. Like I just want to be –, I want to have a contradiction about me that is instantly funny. You need, okay. Why don't I have any contradictions

about me that are instantly funny? Basically, Andy, this is all very hard. Why can't I be a really short basketball player? You know? Why can't I be a... Yes? Just a garbage man who has no arms and legs and is just on a skateboard. And I just grab in my mouth a bit of string that's hanging from

the garbage truck and I just ride behind it. Get bit of string that's hanging from the garbage truck, and I just ride behind it. Get dragged along. Get dragged along on my skateboard, and then I roll over to the bin, and then I sort of keep it up onto my bag. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything.

So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea and ice cream? Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats? Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea and ice cream? Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. My back and head, and then I kind of like floppy flop, and I've got this way of sort of slingshotting

it into the... Yeah. Anyway, that's what I... I don't know if that's instantly funny. That feels like it's a little bit wrong, but... But, you know, in a way, Alistair, when we grapple with the big questions of life, aren't we all a bit like that completely limbless garbage man just trying to struggle to carry this huge burden, this weight, and move it in a way that we can't understand.

You know, we don't have the tools, you see? Yeah. Anyway. No, maybe you're right. I'm not. It just sounds meaningful, but it isn't. But the other thing is that I also don't feel like I have something to make fun of. I don't have anything that I'm necessarily, like, I have a target that I think, like,

you know, like Henry. You need something to push up against, right? Yeah. that I think, like, you know, like Henry... You need something to push up against, right? You need, like, a force that you can... You know, you want to hit, like, a wall and you want to feel it sort of... just sort of shake a bit but not go anywhere. You know, like plaster walls. Like, you feel like you could, in theory,

punch through that, but you don't necessarily want to. Yeah, that's right. I want to be able to knock over big old brick walls. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I guess we'll encounter something eventually, right?

Yeah, we're just sort of floating through space. Yeah. You know? That's all good. Anyway. You know, look, look. Maybe we're like, I don't know if you have those things, but like, because there's some people like, you know,

like Henry who just has like that. Remember Henry who was on one of our podcasts? Henry Stein. Yeah. And he has a thing that he's always kind of making fun of. Like he's, you know, that's always like, it's, it's, it's the sort of the dumbass who, who, you know, is like celebrates the small successes and, and, and, and, and in himself and the coolness of, like, you know, things being rad and all that kind of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

And, like, I don't have any of those. Like, I don't have a necessary thing like that. But I take bits and pieces here and there and I kind of make fun of or, you know, absorb it into my being. So I think maybe I'm like the Australia slash Canada of people slash comedians where I just absorb all cultures. Yeah. And then...

And we don't really have any problems. Yeah, no real problems and I'm a little bit bland. Maybe you should make jokes about refugees if you're going to be the Australia of comedy. But I don't think... This is like you have to sort of... You need to sort of manufacture almost something.

In fact, that's... Yeah, and that's going back to what the politicians do. They sort of manufacture something for us to get worked up about because we need to feel like we're defined by opposition to something or other, even though it's not really clear what the something or other is or where opposition to that thing puts us. We're just like, yeah, well, we're not that, or like we don't trust this thing. puts us we're just like yeah well we're not that or like we don't trust this thing yeah we're going to be something else so you need to

manufacture something alistair you need to have a like a scare yeah what's what's your children overboard alistair oh i guess i guess sadness that's that's a thing. Like, how can you use comedy to take the piss out of sadness? Yeah, well, just to, like, to defeat and avoid sadness. Yeah, like... How can you mock sadness as a concept? Well, I, like, I kind of feel like that about, like, not doing what you want in your life.

Yeah. It's like, you're fucking idiots. You're not doing what you want in your life yeah it's like you're fucking idiots you're not doing what you want like like that's all there is is just getting to do what you want yeah that's all i really have it's just you call people fucking idiots for not doing what they want is that do you think that's a enough of a thing that i can make the cornerstone of my being? I feel like there's a pathway there. There could be a gateway through which you could walk. It's hard to be driven

when you don't even want success that bad. You just want to get to do stuff that you like. Yeah. Contentment. Contentment. All right, look. We've started talking about me

way too much which isn't a sketch all right how about this is a sketch okay great me all right and yeah alistair and he doesn't really have any problems in his life what about okay um somebody you you get home yeah right to your house your house. Okay. And I'm there. Yeah. I'm like, oh, hi. And you go, how you doing? And you go, good, thanks. How can I help you? Well, I could use a cup of tea.

Okay. Well, make yourself at home. So what was your name? Alistair. Oh, that's weird. My name's also Alistair. Really? Yeah. Alistair, what's your name? Alistair. Oh, that's weird. My name's also Alistair. Really? Yeah.

Alistair, what's your surname? Trombley-Burgell. Trombley-Burgell. No, I'm Alistair Trombley-Burgell. Yeah? You sound funny, though. My name is... I am Alistair Trombley-Burgell.

Okay. Well, I guess that's kind of cool. That's very... I thought I was the only one. No, no, no, no. There's a bunch of us. Really? Yeah, yeah.

Well, I know people in school who went to school with people who had the same name as them. Yeah. So, is it like that? Not really, no. No? I'm just... I'm an Alistair Trombley-Birchall. Which...

What kind of Alistair Trombley-Birchall are you? Oh, the good one? The good type? Like... Oh, the good ones. Yeah?bley-Birchall are you? Oh, the good one? The good type? Oh, the good ones. Yeah? Yeah. Why, what kind are you? I'm just the domestic Alistair Trombley-Birchall.

Yeah, a domestic grade. I guess I'm like an all-rounder. I kind of do a bit of everything. Oh, that's fantastic. Not that much of the domestic. But, you know, it's great. So you just, like, clean dishes and things? Yeah, yeah, you know, I just? But, you know, it's great. So you just, like, clean dishes and things. Yeah, yeah, you know, I just make myself, you know, busy,

just around the house, put up that shelf over there. Really? That's very unlike me. Yeah, well, not everybody gets all the features, obviously. Yeah. I don't know if, like, we don't, like, share DNA or anything, do we? Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, no, we're the same person. Oh, right, okay,

I hadn't become clear until just now. Oh, well, it's a good thing that you cleared it up then. Yeah, yeah,

yeah, okay, right, so we're, we're like clones? Uh, no, just,

oh, fuck. Did you come from my mom? Yep. Yeah? Well, you know, one of your moms. I don't know what I'm doing. Like, I swear, I thought you had, like, a...

You had a place you were going for this. No, not at all. Oh, that's true. Okay, well, like... So, wait, wait. Okay, I think I got a place for this to go. Yeah, okay, great. Okay.

Wanna fuck? That was basically it. Yeah. But it was going to be more like make out. You want to make out? I just want to know whether I'm a good kisser. But then again, maybe because you're domestic, you've had a different life from me, and so your technique has developed.

I wouldn't have to be domestic. Okay. No, maybe I could just, I'd just be you. Yeah. And just like, I don't know, I sort of, at one point in that sketch, I was sort of happy with it. Just the idea that there would be, you know, there's just a bunch of you. Yeah. And, I don't know, like, you know, this other version of you would be like,

oh, what have you been doing with this particular asset? Like, if you met yourself, you know, just another one of you, what sort of questions would you ask them like how did you deal with this situation oh i did this or um how do you do you get do you get lots of ingrown hairs on your inner thigh yes oh cool me too oh well that's good have you found a way of solving that or do you just deal with it i exfoliate really yeah oh is that a lot of work you're gonna have to buy a loofah the worst yeah yeah like i don't know if i could ever buy a loofah it's embarrassing borrow mine hey you can borrow mine thank you so much we could shower together

i think yeah absolutely do you trim your pubes uh no yeah i haven't for ages you've done it though oh i used to yeah yeah i think like when it was early 20s, I thought it was cool. I'll tell you what, I'll do your inner thighs if you trim my pubes. Yeah? Yeah. I've always wondered whether you could use one of those head shaver things, like the blllll to shave pubes. I reckon that would just save time and be great.

I've got one of those. Get like a number two or something like that. Let's try it. Get a number two on your number one, if you know what I mean. Oh, that sounds like you just asked somebody to shit on my dick. Yeah, well, okay, well. Yeah, meeting yourself. Yeah. And then I think obviously at the end you would probably make out. Yeah. Well, okay, well... Yeah, meeting yourself. Yeah.

And then I think, obviously, at the end, you would probably make out. Yeah. I mean, I've seen a few things where, like, I think people kind of meet themselves, and then it ends up with maybe them having sex with each other. Right. But, I mean, very rarely does it end up with them 69ing each other. So maybe it could go that way. Or like, we're just trying really crazy stuff that you could only do by approaching yourself.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't think, I don't know that we've got anything there. Really? No, yeah. Sorry, everybody. Hey, we've had some really interesting philosophical discussions

over the last ten minutes. Yeah. Possibly. Possibly, yeah. Yeah. About the nature of... 69ing yourself? 69ing yourself.

But then it feels like it's too close to a David Quirk joke as well. About twin-cest. Yeah, that's right. Where he says, I mean, there's nothing, you know, it's like two people who look exactly the same having 69. I mean, there's nothing.

I mean, it's novel. Like maybe if you were rolling down a hill, it might kind of get some kind of like infinite quality to it. It's like, that's such a great joke. That's brilliant. I wish I had thought of it. Yeah, that's amazing. It's amazing that it kind of like in your head rolling down a hill. I picture like as a circle. Yeah,

absolutely. Like the Ouroboros or the snake eating its own tail thing. Whereas like 69ing is very not circular. No, it's not at all, is it? It's more like two parallel lines that definitely meet. But it seems very possible. Like, it feels like it's in there somehow. Oh, completely possible. If you just arch your back right. Yeah, that's cool. How do you feel about the Sydney Harbour Bridge? Yeah, well, did your grandfather build that?

Yes. No, is that a thing? Why do I think that? I don't know. Paul Hogan used to paint it. Is that your grandfather build that? Yes. No, is that a thing? Why do I think that? I don't know. Paul Hogan used to paint it. Is that why you think that? Did Paul Hogan used to paint it? Yeah, one of his jobs was painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge

before he became Crocodile Dundee to Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles. He painted the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Wow, was it just like what colour? Rust colour? Bridge colour. He's just got a big tin of bridge. Oh, yeah. But do they just, like, paint it with, like, an anti-rust thing,

or, like, a thing that is a coating? Because it doesn't seem like it was any colour, really. It's kind of a grey, greeny grey. Okay. Grey, greeny grey. Yeah, right. And there are people who still do that now, you think? Yeah. Yeah, definitely. grey. Yeah, right. And there are people who still do that now, you think? Yeah. Yeah, definitely.

Apparently that's the thing. Like, it's so much painting involved that by the time you're finished, you've got to go back and start again. Fuck.

Yeah. Just get more people to do it at the same time. I know. Then have some time off. Yeah. Come on, guys. I mean, unless you want it,

you need a full-time job, sure, but you could just have a seasonal job. Just give him a bigger paintbrush. I mean, you'd feel like he could get it done get it done there's so many different ways you could be doing this and it wouldn't take you know what is it like how long would it take for a coat of paint to need are we doing six years i guess for god's sake six years sounds about right that's a really good

guess yeah well i have an idea with you know about the cycles of renovation um it's it's really strange that like as a country we are proud of the bridge the harbour bridge and yeah the sydney opera house and stuff we're like oh what a great country look at our bridge look look at that weird building it's like when you you bring someone it's the the same as when someone comes to visit your house and you're like, here's the living area. Okay, we had that skylight put in. And somebody comes to see Australia and you're like,

here's the bridge. Here's the opera house. Yeah, but it's kind of like taking someone into your house and then you've kind of got like, look at this, a human skull. Look, we just found this somewhere over there. And so it's like some of the things that you've got in your house. Yeah.

Because I think the window and the skylight, that's more like, check out this river and check out this big canyon that we have. Because those are like the features of the house. But the things that we've put in it are like the buildings and the and the little you know like the kind of shit like that you know what i mean yeah yeah it's just weird that you chose a human skull which is a naturally occurring thing and then that's sort of confused yeah but in a house you know it doesn't it doesn't occur naturally in a house sorry okay so you go check check out this peacock vase. Yeah. This vase used to belong to a peacock.

And I stole it from him. How can we have somebody sort of showing, I don't know, like showing someone around Australia as you would show someone around a house? Well, you could just... Do that. Do it. And then you go, oh, and here's the inner city of Melbourne. There's Don Don's. You can get a little bento box for about $8.90. And I don't know, this doesn't sound like what we're supposed to be doing.

What about, yeah, okay, that's interesting though. Like a sort of a tour, but that's just like you're giving someone like a tour of Australia, okay? So it's like Australia, the complete tour. Yeah. But it is the complete tour. So like you see people going on this tour and like it starts off with the Sydney Opera House

and the, the Harbour Bridge. Yeah. And then it just proceeds to go through absolutely everything in Australia. Lower and lower tiers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Until basically you're just introducing each person to this guy. Yeah. Like that's the last thing you have to do or all the pets.

Yeah. Yeah, I think that would be fun. And like, and this is where I got sick in the gutter one time. Anyway, and this is the traffic light. You might remember the other traffic lights. This is another traffic light. Here's the botanical gardens. Here's the toilets in the botanical gardens.

Here's the pathway to the toilets in the botanical gardens. Here's the flower that I stepped on earlier on the way to the path to the botanical gardens. Here's the pathway to the toilets in the botanical gardens. Here's the flower that I stepped on earlier on the way to the path to the botanical gardens. Here's a chip wrapper. Yeah. Here's an ant. Look at it. It always looks like it's cleaning its front paws and claws and stuff. Look at him.

Look at him. Here's another ant. Look at this. It's him. Here's another ant. What the fuck? Look at this. It's like a hole full of them. I think. And then I think like the reactions of the people in the. I think there's something fun about that. Like where you're giving somebody a tour of Australia, but then you are just getting bogged down on things like, check out this ant.

No. Like, and then you're just like, look at this. Or like you're on the beach and you're like, I think it's a crab hole. Look at that. Look. Oh. And you're pulling past like, look, I bet you if we just keep digging out this hole, we'll find a crab at the end of it.

Oh, there wasn't a crab in there. Let's try the next one. Yeah. Australia. Like that. It's a tour of Australia, but it gets stuck in these tiny details. I kind of like that. I think that's funny.

All right. Yeah. Great. Everybody see that bird? No? Oh, there'll be another one along in a second. Australia. What a country.

Oh, feel that breeze. Oh, no, wait, it's gone. It was very transient, that experience. Feel the transience. That's the transience of Australia. Australian transience. It's Melbourne. Okay.

I feel that feeling of loss. That's something you'll feel a lot in Australia. All right, two of Australia. Tiny details. Tiny details. Tiny details. Australia. The complete package tour. The complete...

But, yeah, the question would be how would the people on the tour react? Would they get bored? Would they be interested in everything? Would they just take

photographs of everything that they come across? I think what they, like, I think there's almost no focus on them other than them just standing around watching this come across. I think there's almost no focus on them other than them just standing around watching this guy. And I think maybe a great thing would be just to start at a major kind of thing.

So you go like, you know, the 12 apostles. Yeah. Right? Like that. And then it just keeps kind of getting more refined. He says something, something, and then it's like, and then more refined he goes he says something something and then it's like and then he kind of gets like distracted by the banister at the lookout yeah he's like look at this paint job was it a wood was it a probably a soft wood yeah they held it together with screws i mean we can only speculate how they cut the angle at the corners of this

how in this seat there what's this here on the seat? Oh, that's a bit of, it's a leaf. It's a sort of bush leaf. Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, this kind of tree isn't from around here. This must have floated from, come with me. And then he gets in the bus and he takes you down and says, look, this is the tea tree forest from up the road.

All right. Now, tea trees, ticks live in here. Let's see if we can find one. There's a tick there. Look at him. Look at him get on, just walk along my arm. Now he's going to burrow into my arms. Hey? You know, you can't just, when they burrow in, it's just

a tiny little, you barely feel it because they anaesthetise you, right? And then only their head is exposed, but you can't just pull them out by their head because the body will stay in there. It can get infected, right? So you've got to...

Australia. Australia. Now, look, watch me as I get these tweezers and I try to twist it out and get all this... Look at that. I've got his legs. Oh, there's a bit of blood coming out there. Oh, look at the way he's engorged like that, eh?

Oh, oh. Let me get a magnifying glass so we can get a look at his face. bit of blood coming out there. Look at the way he's engorged like that, eh? Let me get a magnifying glass so we can get a look at his face. Hey, look at that personality on that tick, eh? You think that's a woman tick, so she's probably pregnant. And she's going to have a kid soon. You know what? Let's not kill her. Let's see. Let's watch the life cycle of the tick

occur. But then just the... Australia! Oh! And he just loves it. What a country! Yeah. Oh, so proud. Hey, look.

It's literally got your blood in it. Just great to be a part of it. I'm so confused. Yeah? But that's what's great. Yeah. It's slightly insane. Yeah.

Yeah. Australia, you're in it. And it's in you. Australia, it's in Yeah. It's slightly insane. Yeah, yeah. Australia, you're in it, and it's in you. Australia, it's in you. It's in you. The parasites of Australia to it. Just the everything. Everything. Now we're off to the Sydney Harbour Bridge,

where I've heard you can pick up a pretty good flyworm. Wow, look at that. I'm all Look at this arse, I'm all fly blown Here at the Bungle Bungles If you lay out overnight you might get a scorpion in your ear And if you're lucky he might He'll lay eggs

He might start a family Australia all over you He might start a family. Australia all over you. Get it in ya. Get it in ya. We need one more, Andy. Andy Math. Hey, Math.

Did you get my tweet the other day? No. Yeah. Oh, I don't have the Twitter app on my phone anymore. Yeah, well, I tweeted at you. I just wrote at stupid old Andy. Yeah. And then I wrote Andy Matha Matthews.

That's great. Because I have a tendency, like when I start writing maths, because I was a maths teacher, a lot of the time I would carry on and write Matthews. Oh, my God. And once on like the front cover of a new maths book, when I was doing advanced maths in, like, year nine, I wrote advanced Matthews, just, like, sort of on autopilot. And then I was like, oh, that seems a bit arrogant. Yeah, but that's pretty cool, though. Because that's what you were, well, that's sort of what you were doing. You were advancing the Matthews.

Yeah, yeah. Advanced Matthews. Yeah. Beginner's Matthews. Matthews Fundamentals. Advanced Australia Fair. Matthews Matthews Fundamentals Advanced Australia Fair Matthews I am quite fair

Wait, so Advanced Australia Fair What does that mean? So does that mean that you're It means basically we don't like darkies Really? Well fair, you know, fair skinned No Advanced Australia Fair

But isn't fair also a thing? Oh yeah Like a product, like a good Yeah You know Yeah fair skid. No. Advance Australia fair. But isn't fair also a thing? Oh, yeah. Like a product, like a good. Yeah. You know? Yeah, Australia the fair. So. You know, like fair being a nice thing about Australia.

Yeah, and so we're making it better? Or are you pushing it out into the world? I think it's Australia fair, okay? Australia's already fair, right? And we just want Australia Fair to advance. So, like, Australia Fair is the little unit. We're referring to Australia as Australia Fair. Like a product, like the object, like the idea of Australia.

Yeah, yeah. Australia good. Good Australia, right? It's like we're saying, good Australia. Go on, good Australia. So, like, on your horse. Off your trot. Look, first of all, you're great.

Okay? Australia fair. Well, look, it never says that it's good, right? No, but that's what fair means in that context. But it means good, but like a good. No, no, it means like Australia, like beautiful Australia. Yeah, but what's like another place where somebody uses fair? Okay.

I spied a fair maiden one morning in May. A fair maiden. A fair maiden. So she's sort of beautiful and attractive and wonderful. But that's an adjective rather than a noun. Like a, you know what I mean? I think Australia fair sounds like it's an Australia fair. So, Australia is the noun there.

And fair is the... Sometimes you can put, like, we don't do it very often, but you can put the adjective after the noun. So, I think fair is still an adjective. Yeah. Right? Are you sure? Yeah. So, it couldn't be like...

Because, you know know when they say, oh, we're selling some fare or whatever. Is that a thing where they say like... No, that's F-A-R-E. Horse fare? That's F-A-R-E. Not F-A-R-I-R. Okay.

So, yeah. I don't know what to say. Advance Australia fare. Advance Australia fare. So it's like Advance Australia that's good. Go on you, Australia that's good. Isn't it weird how there are some people who think that we should have Waltzing Matilda as the national anthem? Not really. It's no weirder than Advance Australia Fair. It's pretty weird. It's a story about a man who steals a sheep, shoves it in a bag

and then kills himself in a swamp. Is it? Yeah. Oh, we haven't really listened to the lyrics other than Waltzing Matilda. But, I mean, that would be a pretty amazing thing to sing on the world stage when we get up there and we win a medal at the Olympics or something. Then we get up, alright everybody, let's sing

the song about the suicidal backpacker. So wait, so what... Once a jolly swagman camped by a the song about the suicidal backpacker. So wait, so what... Once a jolly swagman camped by a billy bong under the shade of a coolabar tree. Coolabar. That's my favourite thing to say.

Coolabar. And he sang as he watched and waited while his billy boiled. Who'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me? And then down came a jumbuck, which is a sheep, to drink at the billabong. And then up jumped the swagman, grabbed him with glee. He chucks him in his tucker bag, which is his food bag. Shoves the sheep in.

Just a full sheep. Full sheep! In a lunch bag. Wow. That's the Australia way, mate. Shoves a full sheep in his lunch bag. That's a big lunch. Like, he's prepared. He bag. That's a big lunch. Like, he's prepared.

He's well prepared for a big lunch. I think back in the day, it must have been weird when the kids came to school and they had their lunch box and they opened it up and there was just a full sheep in there. Yeah. Oh, mum, it's a sheep again. What have you got? Oh, I've got a pig. And then he has to cut its throat and hang it from a tree and stuff like that. Back in the day, there was no pre-packaged instant snacks like that.

You had to bring a live... Because you walked for so long, your food would go bad on the way to school. Yeah, it's like live export. Yeah, that's what I was trying to hint at. Oh, sorry. No, not really. But like that song about crime. Yeah.

Right. It's about theft and death. Yeah. It's kind of, it's a bit hip-hoppy. You know, it's a bit gangster. Well, you stole something. Yeah, you stole something and then the cops came and you're like, you'll never take me, motherfucker. And then you kill yourself.

Wow. Yeah. Did he ever eat the sheep? I don't think he ever got to eat the sheep. I don't even know if he ever killed the sheep. In many ways, this guy might have had bigger problems than just having stolen a sheep. It's almost like he was looking for an excuse to jump into that billabong. Yeah.

Oh, but how did he die? Did he jump from to jump into that billabong. Yeah. Oh, but how did he die? Did he jump from really high into the billabong and die? No, he just jumped in and drowned. Right, so he couldn't swim. No. Maybe the sheep could have... I guess it was in a bag. Did he jump with the sheep?

Oh, I hope not. It's not specified. Yeah. They need a sequel. Plus, it's hard to run with a sheep. A fucking sheep. Yeah. They need a sequel. Plus, it's hard to run with a sheep. It is. A fucking sheep. Like, yeah, so.

Can't make a swift getaway. And it just feels like back in those days it would have been easier to get away from things. I guess jumping in the billabong would have been kind of an attempt to escape. I think he knew what he was doing. Yeah? Because he said, you'll never take me alive. Oh, right. That's what he said as he jumped into the billabong.

So it was very much, off I go. Yeah. So what's that verse there, that one? Up jumped the swagman and jumped into the billabong. You'll never take me alive, said he. Yeah. And his ghost may be heard if you pass by that billabong. Who come a-waltzing Matilda.

See, it doesn't specify that he died. I think he's just stowed away there. He's just kind of hiding. Well, his ghost may be heard. That's kind of implied. Yeah, no, I didn't hear the ghost. Oh, right. Yeah, I feel like an idiot.

Well, you are like an idiot. Oh, that's true. I'm very similar to an idiot. I have a lot of idiotic properties. So anyway, that's the Jolly Swagman. Is there a sketch in people working on a new Australian national anthem? Yeah. Going through the possibilities.

Just going through, like, instead of writing our own we can just go through the sort of the canon of australian yeah songs yeah and then just see what would be good yeah hey true blue it's pretty good pub with no beer yeah uh big red car oh i don't even know that one oh the wiggles oh of course. Yeah, yeah. What's that one from the 60s? You know that band that was around in the 60s? Land Down Under, Men At Work. Well, Men At Work, yeah. They're not from the 60s.

Oh, the Friday On My Mind, the Easy Beats. Yeah, the Easy Beats. Yeah. Yeah, those guys are good. What about, like, were all the members of Men At Work Australian? Are there any rules about what kind of a song you're allowed to have as a national anthem? Like, could you just have a rock song? I think that'd be cool.

I can't see who would have... No one would be able to enforce any particular rules, right? I don't think so. I think there's just kind of tradition. Yeah. But that's falling by the wayside. Yeah. You know the wayside?

Well, that's where you'll find tradition. Or next to it. Yeah. Yeah. You find where the wayside. Yeah. You know the wayside? Well, that's where you'll find tradition. Or next to it. Yeah. Yeah. You find where the wayside is. That's where you'll find tradition. Yeah, sorry. I don't know why I have to keep repeating it.

But yeah, so... Because that's very old. I don't know why we decided that at some point we're like, oh, this is where we're stopping in terms of styles of music for national anthems. These aren't going to progress. This is going to be locked in at the brass band or whatever. Like, it really is kind of like World War I-y stuff.

Like, when did we change our national anthem last? I think actually Advanced Australian Affair came in relatively recently. Like, maybe even the 60s or the 70s. Because before that, I think we Advanced Australian Affair came in relatively recently like maybe even the 60s or the 70s because before that I think we still had God Save the Queen. Oh yeah.

Well a lot of these like it definitely sounds like something that my grandmother would agree with. Yeah. You know like and I think maybe

that's kind of the thing like they didn't really like fun back in those days. And so... But, like, also there's a certain thing to, like, well, whatever we change it to, nobody's going to like it, so we might as well leave it at this style, you know?

Yeah. People are always like, if we changed it to, you know, something by the Divinals, everyone would be like, there'd be people who wouldn't like it. So we're just like, no, we might as well just leave it with this, whatever crap we've got at the moment. You know what I think we should do, go with? I think we should go with The Avalanche's Frontier Psychiatrist. That'd be amazing.

Yeah. Because, I mean, that's epic. Everybody knows the words. Ba-ba. Yeah. Ba-ba-ba. A record Record Record

It's a bird It's a bird At the Olympics Everyone would be fucking baffled That they'd be like It would be amazing An amazing power play Because everyone would be like

We don't know what to expect Like what are they going to do next Like we think these people are unhinged. No, but it's like, but it's so epic. Yeah. Like, you know, that's probably, like, probably the most epic, like, Australian song to come out. Like, other than, like, you know, You're the Voice. Yeah.

You know, which they could also go for. It's not bad. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Anyway, you know how the You're the Voice goes. You don't need me. I don't know. Okay, well, look, we could just have, it's just voice. I do. You don't need me. I don't know. Okay, well look, we could just have, it's just a, it's just a think tank. Yeah.

Coming up with. With five sketch ideas. With five sketch ideas. How are we going to write that? Okay, let's say, okay, what's the first sketch they come up with? Okay. Okay. So they come up, okay, let's say the first sketch they come up with is a guy who's lost his wallet, and then he finds a bit of cardboard on the ground, and he goes,

is this my wallet? And then he thinks it's his wallet, but then he can't get into it, and he's like, somebody's locked it. And he's like, this is fucked, like that, and he doesn't recognize, it's a guy who doesn't recognize his own belongings. Right. He just stakes them for bits of cardboard. Yeah. Is this my wallet? Okay, he doesn't have any possessions. He just has pictures of possessions.

Look, and then he goes to try to buy something with just a Polaroid of a $20 note. Yeah. I've got this. And the person says, I can't accept this. And then he says, no, you can. And he shows them a photo of them accepting it. And they're like, oh. You see?

You see, you can. It is possible. Right. So that's the first sketch that they would come up with. Great. They sound weird. Yeah. Well, I mean, like, you know, they're not, we're not playing ourselves.

We're playing sort of like these heightened versions of ourselves. More psychotic versions of ourselves. More psychotic. Like, you know, these are the guys that have decided to implement Frontier Psychiatrist as the Australian National Anthem.

Yeah. Yeah. So, look, it's the, I'm just going to write down the think tank. National Anthem. National Anthem. Sure. I don't know. I don the think tank. National Anthem. National Anthem. Sure. I don't know.

I don't quite know where it's going, but... Well, we're just going through the ideas. I think people would watch that because, first of all, it incorporates the history of Australian music. There you go. All right? There's only like two and a bit hundred years to go through. Yeah.

First hundred years, who knows what they did, eh? Like, they didn't have record... Like, we only have to go through basically the period of recorded music. Yeah, that's good. You know, so mostly like that. Plus, nobody's going to know the other stuff. I mean, we could play some of the... This could be a whole half-hour episode.

And then I think the punchline to that is, like, we see a scene at the Olympics where Frontier Psychiatrist comes on and everybody gets up and as a group all the Australians are singing along. Frontier Psychiatrist. Frontier. Frontier. You're a nut. Yeah. Crazy in the coconut.

That boy needs therapy. I mean, it would be revolutionary. If we want to be on the frontier of psychiatry, this is what we do to celebrate. You know how Bob Hawke gave everybody a day off because Australia was doing so well in sport? One day, we're doing just so well in the field of psychiatry here in australia that the prime minister just goes i announce uh not a day off for everybody but from now on frontier psychiatrist is gonna be our national anthem because we are so good we're winning all

the prizes all the psychology all the psychiatry prizes Yeah Not even psychology It's like in like Therapeutic psychiatry We've won all the big Psychiatry competitions recently We've brought back all gold From the psychiatry Olympics In Montreal

Yeah There you go Look we've got to wrap it up Because I've got to go to work Yeah Because you know We don't just do this full time guys No Yeah. There you go. Look, we've got to wrap it up because I've got to go to work. Yeah. Because, you know, we don't just do this full-time, guys. No.

We also have to live other lives, as you probably also do. Imagine if somebody's full-time job was just to listen to these. Wow. Yeah. Full-time. Full-time. You get through eight episodes a day. Yeah. Anyway. Probably knock off early on Tuesdays. Tuesdays. Full time. You get through eight episodes a day. Yeah.

Probably knock off early on Tuesdays. Tuesdays, most likely. You could probably take the rest of the week off. Beat the traffic. Yeah. You still have to commute to the office. To the South Bank. That's the best place to listen to is during the commute. But sometimes you just want to be with your thoughts.

Yeah. Rather than with our thoughts, which is what this is. We should just call it Our Thoughts with Alistair and andy it very much is yes alistair take us through the things we've said today okay we got the corporate meditation package which is fun yeah you see it's fun and we can have the the first like the first sketch is just setting it up where you know it's it's it's the intrusion of the technological world onto the old world of temples and quiet. And then the one where it's basically a monastery. High-tech monastery.

Yeah, set up like a modern gym. Two is CEO, what are your overheads? It's a pretty simple scene. heads you know it's just it's a pretty simple scene it could be incorporated part of a you know a bigger maybe a script one day that we have about a very small business or a large business that but or a small business that's set in sort of like one of those offices that are just rented out for lots of businesses right you know three we got the politician lies for positive outcomes so it's basically satire guys yeah we just we just you know that uh tour of australia tiny details the complete package tour yeah i i

really like that i could almost be our our thing for the fresh blood uh yeah think tank national anthem and that's just a national anthem Going through the canon of Australian music And trying to pick a new national anthem But it's definitely going to be Frontier Psychiatrist by the Avalanche What happened to the Avalanches? Oh, they all died

In an airplane crash No, they didn't It was Buddy Holly, the Avalanche The Avalanche And the other Avalanche Yeah, and the Avalanche And together other avalanche yeah and the avalanche and together they made the avalanches

what's crazy is that they landed in in the mountains of of Colorado and were killed in a mudslide

in a mudslide so yeah crazy so thank you guys very much for listening to today's episode look I think it was fun and

and he looks like he's got a sad look on his face but look I had fun I Andy looks like he's got a sad look on his face. Look, I had fun. I just worry that none of it made any sense. I think it made sense. We didn't really get anywhere. Andy, people are smart.

Don't underestimate the audience. It's not the audience I'm underestimating. Yeah? Oh, man. There's some good stuff on here today. Great. So... Great. So. Thank you for listening.

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