Simple Swedish Podcast - 290 - "BLACK MARKET PIZZA MASSAGE"

Episode Date: June 15, 2021

In Doors, Brain Washing, BMPM, Burnt to a Crackling, Medicannibal, Wet Dream InceptionYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastJoin the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereAuthentic denim thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Progressive casualty and trans company and affiliates, National Average 12 Month Savings of $744 by New Customer Surveyed, who saved with progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential Savings will vary, discounts BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM Hello and welcome to To In The Think Tank the show where I come up with five sketch ideas. Yeah, that's right. I'm going to be doing the full episode myself while Alice deprivates the backing track. I'm going to be laying down some sweet sketch ideas over the top of his beats. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The new format could be a new hip hop. I found out about drill rap yesterday. And another one. The guest that we're on for a while, right? Gotta rap? Yeah. Yeah, no, it has. It has.

Apparently, gotta rap is a Western Sydney phenomenon Well, we're all Andy. We're all in the West of Sydney We're all to got a rap only some of us are Into staring at the stars wrap Yes I think if Oscar Wilde was around today, he'd be a rapper. You know how people say, oh, I thought you would have said he would have made lines like that.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, who's the person, who are the people who are famous today just for witticisms? Just a single sentence. Yeah. I suppose that's comedians. Who's that lady who did that TV show where it's her and Scorsese

looking through a little window from a door that goes into a kitchen from Netflix? I have no idea. You know, she's like, those ladies, it's like she wrote like an essay 35 years ago and then she is built a, she's like, ladies, it's like she wrote like an essay 35 years ago and then she is built a, she has a career based entirely around that.

She wrote what? She like wrote like an essay like, you know, 35 years ago and then she had a whole, you know, speaking career that's based entirely off of that. And it's her, it's got Saisy. Looking through a little window. Looking through a little window. It's your kitchen. This seems like an idea that was made up by our computer,

Alistair. It doesn't have any of the internal logic of a sentence. Annie Leibowitz. Annie Leibowitz. Sure, I know that name. As she sits down with Martin Scorsese, she wandered the New York City streets and fascinating and fascinating mind of Rye, writer, humorous and recontour, Fran LeBowitz.

And she sits down with Martin Scorsese. So you're going to walk around the Scistreats of New York City while she's sitting down with Martin Scorsese and they both threw a little window that you have in those two-way swinging doors. I mean, this window element, this window element ourster is really what kicks it to the next level. Yeah. Because that's the, that's the expected that, like that's the that's the X factor that Like that's the the floor in the computer programming that stops my brain from being able to compile this as a concept That's the typo. Yes, that little window line of code. Yeah

Yeah, and you're gonna fucking shit when you Google When you Google pretend it's a city and then scroll down about nine images and see her and Martin Scorsese looking through two little circular windows. I bet there's a difference between seeing a picture of them doing it and understanding what role that plays in the show, if any. Like certainly how it plays a headline role in the show. Do you think, you know, we're beyond, we're at beyond the point of turning rooms and closets into rooms, right? Like bedroom and things like that to say to be like, oh, we can rent, we can rent out

this closet here, that'll be an extra room because to be like, oh, we can rent out this closet here, that'll be an extra room, because economically, we're not doing good in terms of the world. And I mean, you are not doing good, but also a lot of the world is not doing good. And what about, but like, I reckon you wouldn't have to adapt doors that much,

to just thicken them out a little bit so that somebody could sleep in a door. Inside the cavity. Yeah, so like, if there was a door door. Like, let's say the door was a little bit thicker, right? Maybe three to four times thicker. Yeah, right. maybe three to four times thicker. Yeah. Yeah.

So, and inside was like a kind of a foam molding that you could sort of be just secured into. And it's like an action figure in an extruded plastic packaging. Much like that, much like that. But the door itself has its own door so that you can open up the door. Sure. So how else would you get in there? So the door is now like a case where you would kind of keep fine cigars or in our special special action figures. You know that you're keeping and action figures, you know that you're keeping and maybe it has a little window around window that you could look through maybe with Martin Scorsese, you know, that it sees inside

if you wanted to. Maybe there's be a slider on the inside. Anyway, but there's a foam molding, it's front and back so that it makes you comfortable. It's like, it's like sitting, it's like, it's like being pressed between two mattresses, foam, never foam mattresses. Well, it's as close to you lying down as you're gonna get while remaining vertical, I think. It's like double lying down. So it makes up for you vertical by double lying down because you're,

you're in between two mattresses. But I think in the arm area, there should be at least a little bit of room where you can reach your face and hold your phone up to the front, right, and really close to your face. But so there'll be a little pocket of air, air area in front of your face. Like a bubble.

A big bubble. A little bubble so that allows you to bring your arm into that area. You can slide open the circular windows. See see if Martin Scorsese is there, slide the window closed. But then you can also hold your phone in front of your face. And also it gives the illusion of there being air in there by having a bit of space. Yeah, great.

And on that phone, are you watching the Irishman as Martin Scorsese intended? Has he intended on a tiny... And actually, you could probably watch that on your eye watch. Hmm. Sure. Um... Now, Alistair, what problem does this solve for you? This is when the door becomes the room. I mean, you know, it's artistically, it's a beautiful idea.

Yeah. Yeah. My thing, what I think is the problem is that it solves is that a lot of places, a lot of apartments that are, let's say, have a lot of low-wage workers. They're limited by the amount of floor space. For example, in how many extra people you can overcrowd the room with. Yes. Because every person needs a laying down area to sleep. That's a very inefficient way to store people. That's right. And and a lot of the time there's even less space in a room than it appears because of that space that you have to open the door and close the door with. You're exactly right. The swing room. Of course, you could you could take off the door, but that might actually not give you enough extra space to put in another person. So if you keep the door on, allowing you still, even though there's two, three people in your

room, have some privacy, but you could also, you know, if you're the person who is, let's say, the slum lord of this, of this apartment, either building or just apartment itself. Or slum lady. Or slum lady. I mean, I don't know why you why you're gendering lord. Really? Yeah, it's lord man's name. I think Lord's and ladies are the two genders of upper crust ability. I see a lady. I don't see the ladies being that upper crusty. Okay. But Alistair, can I tell you the problem that I think this solves? Yeah. The problem that I think this solves is nowadays when you say, let's go indoors.

You're not actually indoors. Adore indoors. Yeah, that's right. You're more like, let's go to the other side of the door. Let's go in rooms. In rooms. That's not really what it is. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. That's better. But now indoors. But outdoors. But outdoors. Start using outdoors is still correct.

Well, outdoors could also refer to in rooms as far as I'm concerned in this new reality. as far as I'm concerned in this new reality. But we can admit at least unless the world in some way is used to clog some whole cave entrance or something like that. Some big spatial cave entrance that the world is not a door. Exactly. The outdoors while we're... That's my point. In the world is still correct.

Yes. But it's definition is being widened to also mean in rooms. Yes. Yeah. And now that we have in rooms, now we can have indoors. And it'll... I feel that people, if we were to measure global stress levels,

feel like after this change, it's probably gonna go down a little. Because without realizing it, we've been living some kind of a lie. And our language has been lying to us. And I think there will be an unconscious unease that we've been experiencing. I mean, who knows, maybe this is original sin,

you know, the constant lying of talking about indoors, even though nobody's actually in a door. It might have nothing to do with the apple and the tree. It could just be this sort of linguistic deception that we haven't realized that we've been perpetuating and inflicting on our children as well. Absolutely. It's definitely been having a non-zero effect on us.

And we can't, we can't, at the moment, quantify exactly the amount until we can start installing these doors and seeing the improvements in people's mental health. Exactly. Now, of course, sorry, just to, you know, because, but it will also change the definition of in rooms, because, which I know we've only just invented in rooms and out rooms. But once you go into the door, you're actually out room.

It's true. Out rooms, because so much on the cusp of the room, two rooms really. You're so much on the cusp of the room. Two rooms, really. You're so much on the cusp. You're so much on the cusp. You're so much on the cusp. You are to try to define you as being in rooms. Because really you're in whole and rooms. Two girls, one cusp. Yep. Two rooms, one tough, was that? I said, two girls, one cusp. Yep.

Two rooms, one tough, was that? I said two girls, one cusp. I'm sorry. Oh, one cusp. Yeah. One cusp, yeah. Yeah, I apologize. Do you think that's about, I mean, that could be, that could have been the name of Thelma

and Louise. Yep. Or maybe that movie book smart, I think as well. Yeah, I would give you two girls on the verge of womanhood possibly. Oh, yeah, that's true. And, and you know maybe breaking up his friends. Oh Yeah, is that the case I haven't seen it. Have you seen it? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, great Yeah, I think it's a little bit more because of the hype a lot of movies Let's go through all the movies that where people are on could or on a cusp

Yeah, well two girls It has to be. Oh yeah. Alistair I just want to while we're talking about words that could mean something else. Brain the term brainwashing. Actually like if you remove the the the meaning of that word that I'm going to say you've been brainwashed into believing Then it sounds actually like it could be a really pleasant experience. Yeah, I don't see I can't guarantee it But I think having my brain sluiced with warm, but just slightly cold water. Mm. I think that would actually be great Like if you could take my brain out, keep it connected. Get a little extension cord.

You know, like if they are plugged, some of the nerves and then plug them in one by one into this extension cord. Yes. Yes. So that it was all being- Expans- Expans- Expans-

Expans- Expans- Expans- Expans- Expans- Expans- Expans- Expans- extension called extension spinal cord. Because I would like to wash, I mean, watch brainwashing. Yes. Yes. Somebody, I'd like to brainwash somebody, brainwash me. So, I'm picturing your brain is sitting on some sort of a grating, or maybe just did

a regular colander in the kitchen that you would use to strain pasta. I've got to tap on, they've got a perfect temperature. I see, I picture a soapy water in a bowl, a big bowl. Oh! Yeah, I like, no, you're right, I like that it's soapy. Yeah. And it is a man, there's a man, he's just kind of, you know, he knows how to hold it, he knows how to hold the brain.

Yeah. Because it's probably, it probably falls apart pretty easily. He knows how to hold it. He knows how to hold the brain. Yeah. Because it's probably, it probably falls apart pretty easily. I don't know. Yeah, I mean maybe. Mine does. At least it is. And then, and then, so it's soap, bit of soap, gently, sponging it, okay? Then a rinse, okay?

And then a very vigorous tallying down with a scratchy towel. He does all of that. Yeah. And then he might even like, you know, I reckon when he's putting it back in to your skull. A blow dry.

Yeah, but he's like putting it back in. He's kind of like, you know, like just his fingers on the inside of your skull in between, you know, just kind of like. Oh, that's actually the only bit of this whole thing that's turned me off a little bit. Really? I just picture it on, you know, like as he's kind of like tucking it in properly, like it's like his fingers are in between your brain and your, the inside is kind of, I don't know. I think I kind of like that because then he's, and then he, any,

and he gives it a new fluid, a a new brain fluid like he opens up a Spodala brain fluid Like changes Sun boil and then he puts in Blubblubblubblubblubblub like that and he's like oh man. That's gonna be good Is that's gonna feel real good even like might even put something a little bit more viscous just so that's gives it that extra protection more viscous just so that gives it that extra protection. Sure. I mean, we've come up with so many new fluids since brain fluid was invented.

We must have improved on it somehow. We must exactly valveline. Yeah, valveline 40. Oh yeah. Valveline. There's, yeah, I love that. I love that as a sketch idea. I must have brainwashing. Yeah, the good type. Now, this guy, does he have a shirt on? Well, you know what? For some reason, I see him. I see him dressed like a masseuse.

I don't know why. Yeah. But he's more of a, he's a masseuse. I don't know why. Keep it at, he's more of him. He's a misluse Keep it it miss loose Keep it in miss loose I don't know what they mean. What was your what was your sluice what was it because I know you said the water You said sluice earlier and I pictured that meant liquid? I mean, a real misuse is probably a priest. Why is that?

Well, I mean, they're so... Oh, because he gives mess? Yeah, they're giving mess, so they're massaging you. Yeah. It's a massage, it sounds like it's the French word for receiving mass Mm Of course the real the real the real meaning of receiving mass is to is called is impact

Yeah, you're right. Yep. Good. Had that I guess is sort of more describes what a massur does in our current understanding. This is getting confusing, Alistair. Yeah, okay. Well, you know, words have many meanings. Is the mass or a massur massage thing have anything to do with the mass? Their mass? Like, is it got to do with the mass their mass Like is it got to do with what? Applying we should is equal this yeah, we absolutely should not rule that out I mean you're the you're the sorry to use this term. You're the the the Frenchie here. Yeah, right? And it feels very French

Massur Yeah, right. And it feels very French. Massure. Massure. And so can you tell me anything about what that means in the French? Does it mean Massure? I mean, I feel like I wouldn't have been asking the question if I had. Yeah, but I was wondering if you hadn't engaged the French part of your brain, which I know that you switch off a lot so that you can pass this into army. Well, it does come from the French. Massie. Mm.

Massie, which I guess... Which means depress, maybe? To press? Yeah, maybe. And if that's the case, then I wouldn't be at all surprised if there wasn't an origin, Alistair between sort of the weight concept of mass and the word masser, and maybe then the Higgs boson, the particle that gives everything mass

should actually be called a masser. So origin. So origin. So origin comes from Portuguese, masa, masa, which is dough, then to the Portuguese amassar, which is to knead, then it goes to the French massi, which is need, treat with massage. And so massage is to need. Yeah, they are just trying to eat like a big old doble. Yeah, they're just the bakers of the human world.

Well, I mean, what it makes me realize is that maybe when you're at the You know sometimes say say you know how a vet can sometimes give a bit of health advice to a human and it's okay Maybe sometimes The Allison don't don't Don't don't hold me up on this. I think I'll let a lover guy who goes and sees a vet while he tries to get a bit of free medical advice while he's seeing the vet for his job. I got this right. What do you think? Just give me your best way.

This is from Seinfeld. It's a plot line from Seinfeld. It is a plot line? Cramer does it because he discovers he has a cough and he doesn't want to pay for the doctor, but then he finds a dog that has the exact same cough. And so he takes it to a vet after try and get some medical advice. It is good.

But this is my version, which is that you're at the peak. The same cup. You're at the pizza restaurant, okay? And you see them there, you've got a bad back. You see them there working on the pizza dough. And you do a bit of quick mental maths. And you're like, well, you know, I go to a talented massur, you know, they're paying a hundred bucks, you know, I'm paying a hundred

bucks maybe for one massage. You look at the economies of scale that these guys are doing the pizza and they're doing, you know, probably a fraction of a cent per pizza in order for it to be financially viable. Say, right, you just get up there on one of those floured chopping boards that they use. That's floured surface. You lie down, you slip in a couple of bucks and you say, just do me quickly.

Yeah, you get a slip, spin your above his head, that kind of thing. Yeah, exactly. Flatten it up. They don't have the massage oil, but I'm sure they can, you know, a bit of, bit of nappily sauce. They got, they got olive oil. I think you got a cover shot on oil.

They got a bit of olive. Yeah, yeah. They've got some greasy olives. They could smush into your skin. Yeah, and then this is- I love a pizza massage. I sort of, a sort of black market pizza massage that you can get black market pizza massage I mean and

And there's a lot of different cultures that have got their own massage You know, there's the the Taiwan that they do with the feet or the elbows or whatever. How bad would you feel if? If the pizza place got shut down The health inspector came in while you were getting one of your black market pizza massages. Well, there's a lot of issues. They come in your laying up on the bench. You just tell his old chest is in flour and he's just me, like that, while another guy's pulling a pizza out of the wood fire. And he goes, it was just

a slow, we had a, we had a moment. You know, I reckon the whole pizza setup they got there, they could give you a full like health spa retreat in a really short space of time. They do those pizza bases in a couple of seconds, they'll do you the massage. You know, why sit in a sauna at 50 degrees for an hour when you could go in that pizza oven at like you know 300 degrees in there 30 seconds. Just a couple of seconds, get the same thing done. Well, that's what it implies is that all that needing that happens with massage, if it does come from needing, it probably implies that you do actually need to be heated afterwards. Yeah, so that you can rise. They're not, they're not, they're not, yeah, well

at first you gotta be left in a, in a sort of a humid cupboard. A proving oven. Yeah sure. I think it's just a cup, it's just a warm cupboard. They call it a proving or a proving? I don't know. Draw? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. And... Okay.

Okay. I don't have to prove myself to anybody. Yeah. And then, and then they slide into something pretty hot. Hmm. But like, I don't know. I don't know what it would be like to be caramelized on the outside. I think it would be good.

Yep. I mean, third degree caramelization. Well, it burns look bad on a human. I'll admit that. Yeah. But caramelization never looks bad. So I think either... Caramelize. So either we're not burning ourselves enough. Imagine that you burnt yourself to the point where you had crackling. Yeah. You get to the hospital. you're in emergency, and then you go, when you guys treat this,

can you put that bit aside for me? Between you and me, I did this on purpose. There'd be doctors who would look at that wound and be like, you know, normally we wouldn't do this, but this is so perfectly done that it would be a greater crime not to engage in cannibalism. Well, you know, there's a certain point at which the man flesh has been so perfectly preserved, that this is a very often my justification with when I do eat the boys leftover sausages or something, if they don't eat all their meat,

because I don't eat anything, but I will eat the leftovers if they're just gonna go in the bin. And it's the same with somebody who's caramelized themselves perfectly in an industrial oven. The doctors there and say, look, we know that cannibalism is a crime. We keep a poster on the wall there to remind us. It actually says it. Cannibalism is a crime. We have to have that there. But we also understand that there are some crimes that are...

We're also human. We're also human. We also have a sign to remind us of that. And it wouldn't be cannibalism if we weren't human. You know, that's the irony of it. And it's the reason against it and the reason for it, you know, and that's why, yeah, we have special dispensation from the medical review board that if it's too good not to eat, we will. Especially if you come in with a whole five crackling, right?

A whole five. A whole five crackling, right? Right? Yeah. And you're like, you're winking at the doctors as you're coming in, you're like winking as well, but you're like winking and you're like, did this for you guys.

Like, and then you're like, and then, and then you're like, all right, let's all break bread together. And then after they, after they, you know, they address, they take off all the really burnt bits and everything like that. And they dress the wound and everything like that. And then they roll you in to, you know,

there's operating theater. Then they roll you in to the dining theater. And there's wine, there's bread. And then in the middle, there's a platter with your whole side of crackling, which is your leg and you and now this is a way to thank the health workers Yeah, you're beautifully crisped Thigh fat like that and you're all laughing. I mean you it's mostly because you're on the drugs and them because they're getting a you know a free meal I mean you, it's mostly because you're on the drugs and them because they're getting the free meal.

You laugh and you're, you know, you're, you did this on purpose, but they took an oath. They got a, they took an oath and they can't not treat you. This is a, this should be an option in a, in a truly free society. This would be an option as an alternative for paying for health care. Right? What we would just do is we would just train up cannibals to be doctors. Yeah. And then you can go and you can get free health care at the cannibal clinic, but they do eat your bits afterwards. They're allowed to eat your body while they're treating you. Well, no, I mean, you know, if they have to cut any bits off or anything, okay? They eat them.

So if you're getting an amputation or something, it's crazy, it's crazy that there are people who want to eat people, okay? And then there are people who medically need to have bits cut off their body, and the people who need to get the bits cut off their body are having to pay for it, and the people who want to eat the people, cut bits off people and eat them,

I had going to prison. I mean, that's insane. You can't tell me that's, that's, that makes sense. No, it doesn't make sense. We'll have this. Medical cannibalism. Medical cannibalism, cannibalism. Yes, we cannibal.

That should have been Obama's campaign for health care. To reduce medical waste. Free health care. And that as well, another crime. I fear that it's dangerous to have it as the doctors because it's like, doctor, you're recommending amputation again. But I think to have like a little side business to keep, you know, to help, especially struggling hospitals that, you know, aren't getting the funding that they need. You know, I think, you know, to have that dining theater in there, because there's people who obviously want to eat the body parts, and there's some people who are not cannibals, but they love to watch cannibals eat body parts.

They must be. Because you can sell to them. It must be an even harder thing. Yeah, it's so hard because you're... Yeah, it's something criminal, but then you need somebody to do something criminal in order for you to be able to watch it. And then, to, it still tickets to that, it's still like the operating theater, but it's like one of those mukbangs where people like to watch people eat,

but it's live, not mukbangs. I don't know about mukbang. I don't know about mukbang. It sounds much worse than it is. I'll tell you that's not mukbang. No, well, I think you would hate it because it's a lot of slurping and stuff like that. But to think of it, you see this person,

they've got a leg from somebody who's lost at judu. What's that diabetes? There's a big leg there. Then they've got just like a bowl. Kinda looks like popcorn chicken, but it's just tumors that have been removed. There's the bowl, deepfried crumbed with that. Then there's like somebody's boiled hair clippings

from hair dressers and made a noodle dish of some sort with like an ear wax sauce or something. I think if we could find a way to selectively legalize cannibalism for tumors and you get cannibals with a certain amount of medical expertise, you know, nobody's going to be more diligent in making sure that they've removed every little bit of the tumor. If that's what they're allowed to eat, right? They're going to be in there. They're going to be getting every last cell of it and Yeah, I know but I'm worried that they're actually going to get a little bit extra little extra meat on that. We have

some way of telling. Do I know what it is? Oh, we have a doctor there just watching them. Somebody who really knows about this stuff. But then we're like, well, why don't we just get that guy to do it? I mean, I think if you were a cannibal doctor, you'd realize you had such a good deal going

with this setup that you would increase your life. Push the boundaries. We don't push them exactly. I think we can trust cannibals, Alice. Yeah, I mean, especially if it's just a tumor cannibal. There must be subsections of cannibals who just want to eat cancerous cells. They must.

They must be. I mean, for them, if they could just get that cancer and just grow it in petri dishes, because it just never stops growing, right? Isn't that the problem with cancer? I think that's the problem. You know, it'd be like having like a sourdough mother or whatever sourdough. Culture.

Culture that you could just like, you could just keep it bubbling away or whatever sourdough. Culture. Culture that you could just like you could just keep it bubbling away or whatever, reproducing itself. No, Christ. Yeah, you're absolutely right. And that would be a good, you know, good, good context for a lot of needing and rising of the product. How many sketch ideas do we have, Alistair? I haven't been prompting you to write things down. Yeah, we have five actually, Andrew. That's good.

That's the sweet spot. Yeah, so do you think we should go to three words from a listener? I don't just think we should. I think it's our obligation. We have listeners who send in three words, which they do from becoming patron patrons on the Patreon. Yeah, I've heard about this. Maybe patreon.com slash to entangue.

That's how you do it. It's the kindest thing any person can ever do and we are grateful community Thank you to everyone who is there and thank you to everyone who is even considering to be there and thank you to everyone who isn't there I'm just saying you should be Robbed of thank you's just because you're not there Exactly, I mean, but are there any added benefits for people to be patrons and well there's the three words thing and

today's three word. And if you're I'll you've and that's if you've got the Kings here, but if you've got the overflow tank that means you also get the two bonus episodes a month. Yeah, two bonus. The bonus, the bonus, the bonus. so today's three words come from Kevin pack rad Kevin pack rad We thank you. Maybe it's not pack rad. Maybe it's Maybe it's a crad Don't don't I ever think it now?

But God pack rad it just feels I't know, where would that come from? Pac-Rad. I don't know, it's right now. P-A-K. P-A-K R-A-D. It's all A's and P's and K's and R's and D's. That's what I was one level words words because it doesn't mean anything else. Nobody, when it comes to writing names and giving their kids names, specifies the direction

that the name should be written in. I'm going to give my next child a name that has to be written vertically down the page. Yeah, I guess Packrad could be a sort of a way of summarizing Pakistani radical So maybe Kevin's I think that's great ancestor was a Pakistani radical and That's how he got that that was his job which I remember I remember hearing when I watched, I listened to the podcast documentary, The Assassination about the murder of Benazir Bhutto. They mentioned in there that, you know, I think this can happen in places where there is corruption, that the Pakistani government could use some of the terrorist groups to do some of their dirty work and

keep their hands clean. So if there was somebody, you know, even if it was the military or something like that who wants to get somebody got rid of they could they could use one of the terrorist groups there. And so, and maybe Kevin's ancestor was a member of one of those terrorist groups, and there is blood, at least, not directly on Kevin's hands, but on... But in his hands. In his hands, maybe passed down from generation to generation. Yeah, well, it's very possible, Alisa, and this is the kind of thing that you could get accused of

if you're a supporter of us on Patreon. Complicity in the murder of the former Prime Minister of Pakistan. Prime Minister, President, I can't remember. Anyway, can you name the name of any other leaders of Pakistan? There was another buttoe, wasn't there? Yeah, I think so. I feel like there was a buttoe dynasty. Yeah, buttoe was definitely a dynasty. All right, that'll be good enough. But who was the one who appeared on the Daily Show that time? Was it Musharraf? Oh yeah, it could be good,

very good, very good remembering. I can't remember. Anyway, because I think the first question from John Stewart was, where's Osama Bin Laden? Oh wow. Yeah, I don't know. And he offered him a Twinkie, the traditional American dish. It's really, really something. Yeah. I should look that up. And I think they had to make the desk armored for that recording because of anyway.

So thank you, Kevin, anyway, for bringing all this in richness of your culture into this episode. I'm so sorry, Kevin. So do you want to guess what Kevin's three words are? Yep. Trench. French? No, but you got two letters correct. The first word is good enough for me. P-O-R-N. P-O-R-N. Did you just say, oh, that's good napoli? No. Okay. I wish I had.

Yeah. Okay, so that's the first word it's porn. Over the last 10 years, bombas has donated over 100 million socks, underwear and t-shirts to those facing homelessness. If we counted those on air, this ad would last over 1,157 days. But if we counted the time it takes to make a donation possible this holiday season, it would take just a few clicks. Because every time you make a purchase, bomb us, donate to an item to someone who needs

it. Go to bombus.com slash lockdown and use code lockdown for 20% off your first purchase. That's bombus.com slash locked on code locked on Then the next word is resuscitation Not close at all parasite porn parasite, okay Tonail

Tonail, I don't know why I feel like this is close Okay. Uh, uh, toenail. Tonell? I don't know why I feel like this is close, but the last word is inception. Yeah, I feel like that's close as well. Yeah. So we've got porn, parasite, inception. Parasite. Inception. Yeah, okay.

I mean, let's make a version of the movie Inception, but exclusively for wet dreams. So, Lee and Aadahado DiCaprio has the ability to go into people's dreams, but only... He hasn't been able to go into people's wet dreams. Yeah, only the the whole he wants. So it's like, so he he waits, he kind of he monitors people and waits so that they haven't masturbated for like three months. Sure. And then he goes into their dreams. They're really sexy dreams. And what's he trying to get? trying to get? Or implant? Yeah. I mean, if in the original inception of things that he could only get out of them in a certain context. So it feels like in a wet dream like the certain thing that you could get out of

people is some form of a jacket of one of one term, one form or another. But I don't know what the advantage of getting dream a jack-ulate is over getting actual a jack-ulate. Yeah, I reckon the way that this would kind of work out is that let's say you're a person who lives in LA in the porn capital. I can't remember what it's saying. Oh, okay. San Bernardino or something like that. I can't remember. Exactly.

And you make a sex toy specifically for porn, right? Mm. It's a maybe it's like it's like one of those, I don't know if you've ever heard of. I think there was a there was a strap on, I think that I may have encountered at some point in the world of watching things, where it's a strap on, but if you're a woman, you place it into your own vagina, and then you have sex with a woman, and it kind of is mostly just held in there through the through through that maybe through clenching but I think maybe

also they wear stockings to help it because I probably doesn't just stay in there right and then you'll have sex with a woman but then you also get something out of it because there's there's something inserted in you but this is your your a person who is your guy who's invented one of those, but for men So that they sure can put it into their their rear end and then have the strap on come forward and they can have a penis but a rubber one Okay, right. Yeah, and so but it kind of goes underneath your other penis and it kind of actually The testicles kind of get in the way.

So you can see why there's already a few problems with this thing, because not a lot of guys need a second penis, especially one that means that they have to wear stockings to hold it in, potentially. You got to ruin the stockings by putting a hole in them, things like that, unless you can get male stockings to have that life front.

So you can see how there's a problem here where this product, which this person has invested a lot of money into. A lot of government money. A lot of government money. They got one of those R&D grants from the government in order to develop this and it's really important that it works out. And so they hire Leonardo DiCaprio to go into people's wet dreams and to make people horny for that thing.

Oh, Alaste. They think you're, of of course you're right. It's for sort of putting in the chink of a new kink or something like that. You've invented a product and you're trying to do a viral marketing campaign by getting people to subconsciously have a kink for the thing that you came up with. And you know what, this isn't just good for sex toys like you described. And that was a great one, Alistair. It was a great one.

But really, I mean, this is a great way to market any product, right? And it's a thing that hasn't really been explored, but the ability to go into people's brains and say you've invented a new type of scrubbing brush, right? Mm-hmm. With a, with a, uh, additional different types of bristles, okay? But you're having trouble marketing it. Well, you can, in fact, you can't shift these body things. The market's already saturated. Well, the way you might be able to get around this already saturated. Well, the way you might be able to get around this is via the new marketing channel of making people horny for your product. They don't want to buy it for its disbrushing

abilities. They buy it because they have an erotic fascination with it that they can't explain, but you can Leonardo DiCaprio put it there by going into their wet dreams. And so then they want to get that brush because they're horny for it. I can say, I've never, I've never gone shopping horny. So I don't know what that would be like. Well, let's say don't shop horny. Well, they say never shop horny because you'll end up buying a lot of, I don't know, dick-shaped items or vagina or butt or face. I don't know. Shaped things.

Sure. And so then people would bring it home, and so then they would be horny, and then they would do the dishes. I mean, from your point of view, don't care. I think a lot of people get home. It's probably a general kind of horny for the thing,

but they don't even really know what it is about it that turns them on. The important thing is you just want to get their attention. You want to get them, you know, interested in it. Well, they see it, they can't explain it. Because somebody told me about, somebody told me about like a guy who had a thing about, you know, his kink or whatever was like pulling hair out of the drain of the shower.

And I was talking it or whatever. And then he would pull apart the hair and his fingers. But then he would kind of have a moment that would be like, that would be like, almost like an orgasm, I guess, with that kind of thing. But then afterwards he would just feel extreme shame. And it's like, though it's got something to do with the psychological link between shame and, you know, sex and things like that. And so it has something to do with something in their past.

So are you, do you think that would, when they would use the brush, it would feel really good. But then afterwards, they would just be overwhelmed with shame. Yeah, that's also the case. But then they would throw away the brush. That's right. Throw away the brush. But then of course, you know, a few days later, they'd get horny again.

And then they would go and buy that, they'd have to buy another one because they're not going to clean things with something that's been in the dirty bin. Exactly. So yeah, I think it's in many ways the perfect. Alistair, we can't deny that we are on a path to having chips in our brains, right? And as soon as we have chips in our brains, there is absolutely nothing to stop companies, unscrupulous companies, hacking

the horny center of the brain and implanting, imprinting whatever, you know, the silhouette of their product, their new manifold exhaust cover for semi-trailers, you know, for long haul truckers. Yeah, yeah. Into the horny center of the brain, and then we all become horny for it, and then we want to buy them. That's where we're going. That's where we're going.

And we just got there first. Well, and that'll actually be cheaper than having to pay one agent to go into each person's wet dream. Because that because especially if you're selling sort of brushes for sort of three bucks a piece, it's, you know, you, yeah, in order for that to be financially viable, you're going to need to sell a lifetime of brushes. Yeah, unless you can get somebody to do on the cheap You know if you can get a whole maybe like a whole sort of call center of people in a poor country

People trying brains You know, I don't know maybe via virtual reality. They could do it that way. I Think that's very likely. Yeah, way. I think that's very likely. Yeah, I think that's, you know, and so then, I mean, it feels unfair, but do you think that you could then be horny in a different accent? Like do you think the horniness would take all the different accent? Because they're whispering it to you in a slightly like just less perfected English. Yeah, I think that could well turn out

to be one of the, one of the tales, one of the giveaways. But I think by that point, it's too late, you know, you just have a, you just fill a Pino horny for, for, for salad spinners. Yeah, all right. And there's nothing you could do about it. But nothing about that you can do about it. Nothing about that you can do.

Well, Andy, I think what we got ourselves, I hope you're happy with that, Kevin. You know, that's as poor and parasitic as inception as we can get. And the parasitic part is, of course, it's this company that's living off of the... Exactly. ...the sex, the sex, the desire for sex. So I'll take you through the sketches, I sketch ideas for today, Andy.

We got door rooms, sleeping indoors. Yep. It's gonna be easy to promote this. You think you've been sleeping indoors, but actually, you've not really, and now you can, and you can fit an extra five people in your house. Yep. You got brainwashing, the good type.

That's when a masseuse type person takes your brain up, washes it in front of the bottle, and a bowl of soapy water, tops up the water, you know, so is your skull lid back on real nice. I genuinely, I can't tell you why it's the them touching the inside of my skull that is the only bit of this

that I'm really uncomfortable about. So you just want them to just drop it into your skull and then just put the lid on. It does. However it gets positioned or just shake your head a little bit until it kind of finds its natural location. Yeah. I guess it falls into its grooves or whatever.

I would hope so. Yeah. Do you think the inside? It might need to be shoved in. It might be a bit fluffy after you take something out of the tumble dry. Yeah, it was always absorbed a bunch of water and so you kind of got to squeeze it a bit to kind of get it all extra liquid from. Then we got the black market pizza massage.

Yeah, you know, you got all the stuff you need just there. You got the flower, you got your hands that are built for needing, you got the olive oil. And just lay me on that silver bench. And lay me on the chopping board and just massage me. I don't know why this is... What's your gaze style? You know, I don't know why this does, I don't think this is something I would want, but it feels like that pizza cutter, that round one, would just, you know, the one with the wheel would be perfect just running down the crack of your ass.

Well, it would be, and that's what what's really gonna get the health guys They're gonna be watching that they go if they see if you see one the bench. Oh come on if they see you on the bench Right, they're still gonna go all right. Let's see where this goes Yeah, right they see the see them thrown flour on your body like that and then a bit of oil and stuff like that and really getting into it, they go, all right, I mean, if they wash the bench down, they see them wash their hands afterwards, they see, okay, like that.

But it's when you run that pizza slicer down the crack of your ass, even if they're gonna wash it, they just, we can't allow that. You gotta have one. You gotta have one of those. I know I'm one of the cool health inspectors, you know Like something that's a pretty open-minded. Yeah, but He's just and he's just sitting at the table eating pizza watching this through the glass The glass that allows you to see what they're doing and he's just eating a pizza and he's just eaten a pizza, and he's put in a beer rig. He's just pretending to be a regular customer.

And then he has to, he walks out and he goes, look, man, I'm trying to be cool. I'm trying to save your business. But you can't be running a masseuse business on the side here, black market massage business. At the same time, black market massage business at the same time. But maybe they form a bond then, you know, it's through, you know, it's like a thing where a good guy and the bad guy, they're kind of opposites, but at the same time,

they could be friends, you know. Sure, I mean they are,'s like two sides of the same coin, aren't they? Well, it's like the opposite of a superhero movie, because usually, super hero movie, they start out as friends, and then they become enemies. Whereas this one, they start out as enemies, natural enemies, the black market pizza shop, the Zeus, and the health inspector. right? They start out as natural enemies,

but it's something about this that makes them understand each other more and it's that that blooms into a friendship. Oh, I mean, it's like, you know, the cops that wind up feeling more in common with the criminals because they, but at least they both understand the world that they're in. Yeah. And I wouldn't be at all surprised if this health inspector eventually slides himself into the dark world.

Well, I mean, who better to help you? Who better to help you run a dirty kitchen than somebody who knows the health inspector world? They know what they're gonna be looking for. And he could teach you how to keep your kitchen dirty without arising the suspicions of the health inspectors. You know, they do, the health inspectors are noble job.

I'd say it's right up there with being on the front line of any other emergency service. But they don't, they haven't been any dramas that explore, you know, the complicated relationship they must have with the owners of dirty kitchens. Yeah. And sometimes they probably love the food for dirty kitchens. And they go, I can't, I can't shut this.

Donnie Brasco, yeah. I don't know what, what happens in that movie. But Donnie Brasco was, I think it was what's his name? Oh, Captain Jack Sparrow. Johnny Dipp was, I think he plays an undercover cop in with the mafia for a really long time. Oh, cool. That's fun. Yeah.

And then we got, burnt yourself to a crackling and then you share it to share it with the doctors as a way of thanking the doctors. Right. Slash the alternative health system that involves cannibalism. Well, we've got that as a separate sketch which is medical cannibalism. Medical cannibalism meals which is a way of increasing hospital budget lowering, I wrote lower race, but I meant lower waste.

I don't know how my brain got that wrong. Anyway, lowering waste, and it's just a way of getting rid, you know, there's people who need to have limbs cut off. There's people who want to pay to eat flesh human flesh and there's people who don't want to pay to have their limbs cut off. And then we got wet dream inception to market market failed products by What's this kick oh kinkifying kinkifying, kinkifying them. Kink starter. That will be my website to crowdfund for new experimental sex toys.

I'm sure that already exists. It must. And that's the thing. Thank you. Well, we've got to go into the song and then go. Pills. Yeah. Pills. Puyon. Yeah.

Puyon. Puyon. Puyon. Puyon. Puyon. Puyon. Oh, oh. Puyon.

Thank you so much for listening to two in the thing tank. The music. I'm Alistair George Williams, Tom LeBertschull. You can find me on Twitter at AlistairTV. You can find me on Instagram at age, Rumble A. Bertual. I'm at Stupid Old Andy. We're at two in tank on both.

You can support us on Patreon, if you want. I think it's probably patreon.com slash two in tank. You can find, you can get magma if you've never watched it. You can get that from SOSPresents.com. We're part of stupid old studios, I don't know if you need that. We're not with Blanette broadcasting anymore, I don't know if anybody would notice that. We can- We're free agents.

We're free agents right now. We might get tied up. We're kind of, you know, what's that thing? We're kind of like tarzan. We're kind of, what's that thing? We're kind of like tarzan. We're kind of serial monogamous. We never let go one vine which I'll grab it onto the next. Yeah. At the moment, we have.

Yeah, at the moment we have it. We're in freefall. Yeah. at the moment we have it, we're falling. We're in free fall. Yeah. We're about to hear the jungle floor, and there's a lot of danger down there. And we love you. You. Thank you.

Take care of yourselves. Bye-bye. And each other. And each other. Bye. This episode is brought to you by Progressive. Most of you aren't just listening right now. You're driving, cleaning, and even exercising.

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