Simple Swedish Podcast - 292 - "SLEEP DRINKING"

Episode Date: June 29, 2021

Guest Who, Limbjumpo, Mystery Olympics, Trainicapping, Animanagement, Level Killing Fields, Nose Mold, Sleep Drinking, Too Precarious to Fail, Lost Money Now!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastJoin the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereOmnithanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Progressive casualty and trans company in affiliates, National Average 12 Month Savings of $744 by New Customer Surveyed, who saved with progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential Savings will vary. Discount's not available in all safe and situations. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh- I came here to do two things. Research the history of plastics and record comedy podcasts. And let me tell you, I'm quite sick of listening about, reading about the history of plastics.

So, yeah, baby. We have done a very good job, to the list of turning our comedy careers into, into quite tedious research tasks. We've achieved the, you know, the alchemists dream of transforming one thing into another thing. Ah, yes. And anybody who's excited to figure out what we're talking about, well, look out for the next season of the pop-test. Well, at some point, later in the year.

Well, they'll see whether or not we succeeded in then turning it back into fun. We take our lives. I mean, we turn them into pain. And from that pain, we try and create some enjoyment. I mean, wouldn't it be easier to do a quiz show where it's based on, I mean, you just get somebody, let's say you or me, right? Right. Right.

Good. You come in and you, this is how we write the questions, okay? You ask me, how would you imagine the first plastic was invented? Yeah. Right? Well, and then I tell you a scenario. Yeah. Right?

And then we ask this, then when the show comes, the guests come on and we say, how do you think, Alistair think, the first plastic was invented. And then whoever's closest gets a point. That's a really good idea, Alistair. Yes. Because it's the research part that's hard. The hard part is not coming up with this stupid idea is we have to do all the research to find the right answer so that the guests can come on and come up with funny answers. But we want to come up with funny answers as well. So we should just make up what we think the answer is and then quiz them if they could

guess that. All truths are equally valid, you know? Exactly. And like the problem is that the reality has already created all the stupid answers. Already. Sure. But then we have to like filter them out

from the non-stupid answers that reality has also created in abundance. Yeah, and so that's the problem. It's not the stupid answers that reality is provided that are the problem. It's all the other stuff that isn't stupid enough that we have to sort of wade through to get an understanding of how monomers return into polymers

and then turned into sketch shows. Um, it would this, would this work, Alistair, as a, uh, I love that idea. I think it's great. And I think it'll be big. What do I, what do I, it's called? What do I reckon? And you come on and you have to guess what I reckon the answer is.

You know, you know what? This would actually be quite good. But if we got, you could pitch this. You get a celebrity on, right? And you quiz them beforehand and ask them what they think the answer is to various questions. Historical and scientific things, right?

This is a variation on how to Wales work. Yeah. But, and then the guests come on and their comedians as well, I guess, and they have to guess what the celebrity thinks is the answer. And, and yeah, the fun thing is, is that you get to find out how comedians or the public feel about the celebrity, whether they think they were a complete idiot, or you know, and then what you find out throughout the episode is whether or not the celebrity is an expert in any fields.

Or, you know, and- Could this actually be good? Could this actually be something? I feel. Yeah, yeah, I think so. And could this actually be good? Could this actually be something? Yeah, yeah, I think so. It's a kind of kind of like a bit like drunk history, but sober and and trivia. As a quiz in a quiz format. And the important thing is that what it will, the people that it will infuriate is people who are trivvy above.

Yeah. At no point, at no point is the correct answer given. No, it's not important. It's not important. And it would involve us having to find out what the right answer is and that's what we're trying to avoid. Exactly. Okay. I think you know, if somebody wants to come on and does know

generally how things work, that's great. That's great for them. That's great for them, but that doesn't help anybody. Yeah. Write it down, Alice. I think that's a sketch. Yeah. Great. It's more of a quiz show idea, but I think it's also a sketch idea.

Now, with this also work, you know, one of the problems is about comedy quiz shows is, as we've discovered, you and I, the painful research that goes into finding the actual answers. And then maybe another way that we could avoid that is. I hope our producer doesn't listen to this episode. But Tom, if you're listening, we love the show.

It's just a lot of work. It's just making it that's hard. No, and then the other thing, so it's, but what if all the questions were in the form of setups, we just tell you a setup to an existing joke and then you have to tell us the punchline, right? So the way it's a quiz show that is basically what is the punchline to this joke? Exactly.

Yes. I guess they're, you mean, other people's jokes. Or we do a jeopardy style where we tell you the punch line and then you have to guess the set up. I guess it's kind of like, I mean, there's, there's, there's, I think there's, there's a parallels here, which is kind of, it's a bit, almost like the, it's like a caption contest. You know, it's like, okay, so let's say this is a setup, right? Three guys walk into a bar. The first guy walks up to the bar tender and he says, My nipples are leaking.

Can I have a glass of milk? Right? And then the second guy goes, my nose is running. Can I have a glass of snot? Right? And then the third guy walks up and he says, my dick is leaking. My dick is leaking. Can I have a glass of? Yeah. And then they have to provide the answer.

I guess it's a bit blankety blanks. But. Is that what blankety blank is? I don't really know. I don't really know. But I think so. Yes. But it's a bit like that thing

that I have no idea what it is. I think I've seen, I think I saw a bit of, you know the movie, I think I've seen, I think I saw a bit of, you know the movie, oh man, I'll look at that. A glass of seaman. No. Blankety, blank. What was that guy? Oh my god, it was directed by George Clooney and it was a black and white film with Sam Rockwell

playing the lead. And it was called like the, the, the, the name is something like a male version of miscongeniality. But he's like, but he's like a secret agent, but also a host of it. But also a game show host. And then maybe none of it was real, apart from the game show hosting bit, that definitely did happen. But anyway, I guess we'll never hosting bit, that definitely did happen. But anyway, I guess we'll never know, because this, you're playing what does the celebrity think? And the actual answer is an important. You just have to guess what I think would be the answer.

Oh, I reckon it was confessions of a dangerous There we go. I don't know if it was in black and white though. I think you're thinking of the artist. I think maybe the poster was in black and white. You don't think confessions of a dangerous mind was in black and white? No, I don't think so. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, you're absolutely right. That was a different George Clooney movie that I was thinking of that was in black and white

and it was called, like, Good Night, something. It was that one about journalism and. Right. I'm gonna look it up. Okay. Oh no, no, Andy, you know what we've started doing? We started doing the research. We just got escaped from to do this podcast.

Yeah. It was called Good Night and Good Luck was his black and white film. There you go. Okay. And Good Night. And goodbye. Anyway, I don't think my comedy punch line quiz show is a sketch idea. I was there.

You don't. If this was the 300th episode, it would be that maybe not today. Man, that is an exercise in lowering the bar. That's what that's going to be. Yeah. Hi. Is that a sketch idea? You know, and speaking of lowering the bar, what about a type of high jump where it's

a really low bar? It's a really low bar. Okay. But what the challenge is, yes, go good. You go to a limbo and hide. Yeah, it's a limbo and high jump mix together. It's called limp jumping and limp jump. Yeah, you also have to have a limp. No, but I think that's good. Like, but I guess you got to make yourself as thin as possible in the air. As flat as you can. As flat as you can.

But also to get a crop, to get past it without hitting it whilst remaining flat, you have to go fast. So it means that you have to really run it. Yeah. Yeah. And then dive like a starfish or, you know, like you're an ingest star on its side. And the other thing about this is that the crash

mat is very small. So you've also, they, this is, this is my problem with those with a lot of sports, is that they make it too easy to not hurt yourself. You know, whereas to my mind, that's should be part of the challenge. What figure would somebody who's really good at this be like, do you think it'd be the same figure as people who are high jump? Probably. They're probably reasonably slender, right? Yeah, I guess that's true.

But then maybe the, but, but it should probably be like, like fighting that there's weight classes. You know, that you shouldn't, it shouldn't, it doesn't need to be separated into men and women. Although, although I guess I imagine breasts will probably give a disadvantage to women and then probably should be separated into men and women again. Unless we, okay, it's unisex. Yes.

But everybody has to wear cushioning to have the same size breasts and butts. That's really good. Yeah. Yeah. So we, we handicap for breast and butt size size like you would an extra weight to a horse Yeah, and shoes so Yes, so So let's guess if somebody has big feet at the end, you know the feet could come up flick the bar off or whatever

So everybody's got to wear big Big clown shoes. I mean, but the problem then is that You know everybody has to be The problem then is that everybody has to be bulked up to the size of the largest body parts of anybody in the competition. Right? We have to do everybody's measurements beforehand. And then make custom padding. We're not adjusting for height.

That's the only thing we're not. Yeah. Just everybody wear a fake penis. I guess so. I mean, I guess it could have some impact. But it would just be like an inner sort of, you know, something you just slide under your cup. Yeah, okay. Over your cup. Okay. Everybody over your cup. Okay.

Everybody wears a cup. Everybody wears that's that's actually quite nice, isn't it? And then you can have anything you want under there. Yeah. And so everybody wears, it's their cups everywhere. It's cups on the butt, butt cup, breast cup, foot cup. Look, you know, where we're going with this? We're going to everybody does the Olympics, Hidside Azorb Ball.

Everybody is a sphere, that, inside a sphere that's the same size, I had a great idea for a new Olympics, which is, I was thinking about this this morning. Everybody trains as much as they want, right? You train as much as you want, you train heaps, but you don't find out what you're competing in until you get to the Olympics.

All the events are drawn randomly. And, you know, want people who are at the peak of their physical perfection, competing in sports that they've never done before in their lives. So their body is absolutely couldn't be more prepared, but they don't know what they're doing. It's possible that we even throw in a few sports that we've just made up that have never been played before. And they don't know that that's the sportsman made up. Do we have to wipe their memory of all information from?

I think they're allowed to have, you know, I think that's an unrealistic allistair to be able to wipe the memories of all the athletes. You're right. You're right. Okay, I apologize. I do want them to be taken by surprise by finding out what they're going to. It'd be a great reveal, you know.

We love the reveal on Iron Chef. It's a recurring motif in this show. But I think I like the reveal that for each individual athlete, they whip a blanket off a tub and in there is the costume, the outfit and a little piece of paper with the sport that they're going to be competing in printed on it. And they read it and we get to see their reactions as they find out that they're, you know, competing in the underwater javelin. And then we just see who's the best at, because you get, I'm sick of seeing things where everybody finishes so close together,

or where the difference between first and second places, so tiny you can't really see it, we're talking fractions of a second. That's not compelling to me. Yeah. No, you like it when someone person is way ahead. I feel like it when it really blows out. I want to know as early as possible when someone's going to win. Exactly.

So that the excitement can finally be over. Well, I'm, I'm just seeing it just unfold. Well, it's a time-saving thing as well. You can stop watching and you can go back to doing nothing. That's right. Until until the bell in your work room goes off again and there's a new race and you can go and have a quick look. I mean, the think of the man hours that that will save, you know, internationally, because it's something that's broadcast internationally, as you might be aware. And you just imagine, well, you know, that many people won't have to keep watching for, you know, maybe another 35 minutes of what would be, you know, probably one

of those long races. I wonder if there are any sports where it would be compelling to watch them backwards, you know So like I think in them is it like the 400 meters and above where they start you start out staggered Like at different places around the track because of the bend. Yeah, so if you will yeah, no you go No, I was just gonna say If you play any race backwards isn't it at the end you go, oh, it's another draw again. Yeah, okay. It started in a draw.

Well, sorry if you didn't, if you had more to go, I just had an idea for based on your idea. I would like, and this is, you know, maybe this says something about me, but I would like to see an Olympics and sort of a, you know, like a sports philosophy and, you know, sports place. Athletics, where you're handicapped

for how long you've trained. So if you've trained a bunch, you get a big handicap. Right. And so that way, so the people who haven't bothered to train, they're not disadvantaged going into these games. I really, I enjoy that a great deal. Yes. I mean, I feel like that's almost what golf is. Like golf golf because they give you a handicap. And so it's like, oh, well, you've heard this good. So to make it fun. You know, I think it'd be really great because you see someone come out there

with someone's never played golf before with this massive advantage. And they're just hacking away. And you see the numbers just being whittled out as they're relentlessly closed in on by people who have any clue what they're doing. But I also would also love to see that in a in a in a running race like I think it would be even more fun to see someone who's just so unfit that they start out way ahead and they are just struggling towards the finish line as these Inhuman machines just eat up the distance. Maybe they've also got knives, you know the the yeah really sure Maybe everybody's got a knife,

but just as they're just born down on. Yeah, I mean, I think this is like rolling to the finish line. It's like the opposite of your idea where it's like, let's get this over and done with his most important. I want every match to be merely seconds between people and I want there, but there, I want there to be a huge range

between the skill levels of all the people in there. Because I wanna see a guy who hasn't even walked 100 meters in the last year. I wanna see him compete. How far ahead does he have to be? Does he have to start? And then see him up again Usain Bolt you know you say that you say Bolt named his son Thunder Thunder yeah that's pretty cool I mean it's yeah I

mean it's a funny thing isn't it a Thunder Bolt because Thunder doesn't have a Bolt unless you're talking about the bolt of sound. Yeah I hadn't really thought about it actually. I was just enjoying it but you're right that's oh man. I mean but people do say thunderbolts thunderbolts of lightning very very frightening. Oh yeah okay I'm back on board. I was thinking, maybe you saying didn't even realize that there was a thunderbolt sort of pun there.

Thunderbolt pun, like isn't lightning bolt? What's the pun? No, just, but I mean, just that the name is thunderbolt. You know, maybe it just, it takes him by surprise. Oh yeah, that is the thing. It feels like the name the name is Thunderbolt. You know, maybe it just takes him by surprise. Oh, yeah, that is. It feels like it's the name of a horse, Thunderbolt. Yep. So, I don't know the names of a horse?

Yep, I think very possibly. They name horses all sorts of things. Yeah, I think it's like with bands and with horses. You can't really name it without naming yours without Googling it first and then realizing that that one's already been taken. Yeah, I think it would be good if all humans equally had to have a totally unique name. Like, like, raising horses. Yeah, I'd love that.

Like raising, oh, raising horses, not raising horses. No. Do you think that there's more bands in the world than there are horses? Oh, that's a really good question. This is a great question for one of our quiz shows. I don't know what it is, but that kind of thing, it's a, you know, this all that, or every question is 50-50, but they're hard 50-50s. I think there's

got to be more horses. Right? I've read talking, if we're talking, you know, active bands and active horses, it's got to be more horses. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of bands that, you know, they don't do any recording and stuff like that. They just people get together doing some playing in the garage or of course, then there's the band band of horses. That really confuses the whole thing. It's a crossover one. Because it's multiple horses. But it feels. It feels really, it also feels very possible. They could be more bands. There are some people are in more than one band. And yeah, like if we're including side projects and solo projects, I've covered back around to bands. Yeah, well because it's not like horses are not like sheep, right?

It's not like, oh, we've got, you know, 5,000 head of sheep. Nobody's riding 5,000 horses. Yeah, I got, yeah, I got, oh, I mean, there must be, there's horse farms. So if they're making horse meat, somewhere, you know, there. But I don't see them in any of the countries that I'm in. There's then wild horses, and then there's wild, wild horses. Yeah. Yeah.

And then there's brumbies. Yeah, and then there's mustangs. I was trying to remember what is a mustang. Is that just an American brumby? Like a wild horse? Yeah, I think so. I mean, I think all horses are wild horses to a certain extent. In their heart. In their heart, but also in their DNA.

We talked about domesticated rhinos, didn't we, on one of our long, long... I think that was the safe word in the middle of one of our episodes domesticated Rhino. Just thinking about that again the other day. Such a great idea. Yeah. About domesticating rhinos. Yeah. Like, if it was possible, we definitely would have done it by now because that's a prime

mover of an animal. You could really drag some stuff. And it's already got to a plow. It's got a plow, doesn't it? Well, in the nose. Like it's in its nose. Yeah. Do you think, how long do you think,

within the amount of time, let's say, you had access to a rhino, right? And you were allowed to touch it. Yeah. All right. How long do you think until you'd kind of punch it side a little bit, just to see how hard it is? and you're allowed to touch it. Yeah. All right. How long do you think until you'd kind of punch it side a little bit just to see how hard it is?

Yeah, it's a good question. Within the first week, how familiar would you want to be with the Rhino? And the Rhino familiar with you? I think it is in my nature to get quite complacent, quite quickly, with power tools and that kind of thing and not take adequate precautions. So I'd say that if I was given access to a domestic rhino,

yeah, I'd be taking some pretty big risks. Yeah, let's say you needed to take a, okay, let's say you have domesticated the Rhino, right? But you live in the inner city and yeah, sure, you've got a nice big fence around your place. You know, you've taken those precautions. But what kind of precautions do you think you would need to take in order to take your

Rhino for a walk around the town? What kind of precautions do you think that you would have to take in order to take your Rhino, Rhino's into the house? You know, before you let it inside on the bed. Yeah, well, I guess, yeah, so I think everything needs to be bolted down. Sure. Because I think the problem is that like the Rhinow will just walk around not used to sort of enclosed spaces. So you're worried about it knocking over your fight Chyder and your delicate occasional tables. Is that your concern having them right out? I mean, I just mean how much time I want to spend rearranging furniture. Are you sure?

I think that's the first thing. I think it's, I would go completely the opposite. I would say that give up on having anything in a fixed location, because the soon, I don't think bolting down anything is exactly, I don't think bolting anything down is going to protect it. I think that's just going to cause it to shadow as soon as it gets nudged by the Rhino. I think everything, everything needs to be on wheels, with sort of bumpers on the corners,

and you need to be prepared to live in a constant state of flux as the Rhino just shifts. Things are everything is moving. Everything is moving at all times. Yeah. And including your anxiety. Well, I think they're pretty consistently high. But, you know, if the Rhino does charge,

it's gonna go straight through walls. And, you know, I think you need a reasonably, this is complex because I was gonna say you need an open plan environment because then there's less walls for the Rhino to crash into, but of course the bigger the space, the more speed the Rhino can get in. And the more damage it will do. And the less corners you can turn sharply around to kind of to gain cover.

Yes. You know, because that's what you, that's the only advantage you really have over the Rhino is your ability to be sort of change, step out of its charging way while it can't change directions. So what I'm going to say is that I reckon you're better off having a, just giving it the, letting the Rhino have the ground, a new transition to a kind of a bat-like lifestyle where you live hanging from, you know, you have hooks on your shoes and you live hanging from little hoops on the screw to the ceiling. And, you know, it can, it lives its life below you. But you, your head dangles are upside down and you just put your head around horn height.

Yeah, and horn height. Still, I think that's going to be maximum, yeah, your best chance. Because I would like to live alongside around those and I don't think we can or would could be bothered actually training, doing the training necessary to make that work. So I think the best way that we can do is adjust our lifestyles so that we can still share the same space.

The same rough. But just a different, different, different altitudes. Yeah, I wonder if it would be happy just to live sleeping in the in the laundry. Just put a put a blanket down. Yeah, it's like a few blankets. You know, you want it to be a bit soft, but I can picture like you could picture a baby rhinosleeping in the in the laundry. Oh, I kid. I can I can I can I can't just picture it. I could sing about it.

Yeah, here you go. I can I can I can't just picture it. I could sing about it You know and so on Yeah, actually that is good But then the main thing is you what you want is for them to when you take it outside for the walk is for them to not mal a child now yes, I reckon there's less chance of probably being bitten by a rhino than with like a dog. Yes. Do you think that they bite? Do you think they don't think about that? Like, you think, I know they eat, but they must be herbivores. Yeah, I think they are herbivores and I think biting a fairway down the list of, you know, rhinos go to moves. I think maybe if you got one in a clinch and it didn't have a lot of options.

Yeah. Yeah. You got it in the head lot. Yeah. But so that's good at least. Mostly it'll be, do you think it'll be blunt force trauma rather than sort of that Taring or whatever that happens with dogs and those canine teeth. Yeah, yeah For tearing yeah, I think a lot of your damage will probably be internal and That's good because it's like being hit by a car more more like exactly. Yeah So it's more property damage so so by would, but would you, would you put a little cork on the top of the horn? That's the first thing I would do. Yes. I would put a sort of a little ball, a nice, yeah, what, there's something else that comes with a little ball on the end. Like they put on the tip of a fencing sword, you know, a little,

a nice little, maybe fluffy little. If it was inflated, probably would stop a lot of like major damage and cars that it decided to test, you know. Yeah, I mean, what we're coming across here is a kind of a risk mitigationmeditation strategy to living alongside wild animals where we will You know because you know with climate change apparently it's all about adaptation A lot of the times animals are being displaced from their current habitats and they are being forced to live closer and closer to humans

There's a lot of problems with bears in America. Problems with elephants and tigers in Southeast Asia. And I think, you know, much like the way that we adapt to rising sea levels, is by building seawalls, that kind of thing. The way we're going to adapt to having animals living in our urbanized spaces is by physically adding things to the wild animals bodies so that they don't cause damage. And you can walk down the street, confident in the knowledge that if you do get jumped on by a tiger, it's going gonna have sort of big polystyrene balls over its hands. And sort of I guess it kind of sticks with,

with the fluffy end that sort of push you away from it to mouth. And so you can be, you can be leaptapt at but you won't be killed. Save of the rhino. Yeah, I mean, so like, let's say, should we write this down? I think we can write this down, Alistair, yes. You know, not the funniest, but then, you know, this isn't guess the punch line game show. This is just, you know, this is just regular chat. Hi, icons. This is just, you know, this is just regular chant.

Hi icons, it's Danny Pellegrino from the Pop Culture podcast, everything iconic and I love Nordstrom. No place better to shop particularly during the holiday season because they have everything. They have holiday decor at Nordstrom. They have cozy cardigans from Barefoot Dreams, my fave. They have cold weather attire, party attire, plus free shipping and free returns. Free store pickup. You can also purchase a recycled fabric gift bag so your item arrives festive and wrapped. So check out Nordstrom this holiday season, a one-stop shop.

You can explore more at Nordstrom in store or online at Nordstrom.com. Like, yeah, I mean, there'll be some, maybe there'll be more fun, like, you know, sort of anti-monkey technology that we'll need to have. Because monkeys, they get very grabby with your food. Mm-hmm. Yeah. They wanna come in your house. They wanna shit there.

They wanna chew your face off. They do. They wanna chew your face off. Right? And so we're gonna have to get really creative to making ourselves anti-monkey. I don't know exactly how it'll... Andy, I'm almost here. Go. Yeah. The other thing is sort of combining our idea

about the Olympics and combining this idea and where we basically handicap all animals in nature to put everything on a level playing field. And I'm just trying to think like what you would need to add to say a platypus so that it could be on a level playing field with say grizzly bear or or you know step wolf. Step and wolf. Step and wolf. The the band. The band. But, you know, I guess a lot of it would have to do with sort of electrifying different bits of their body. You think so?

Yeah, strapping sort of cattle prods to the flippers and beak of the, yeah. As in, so like, and that would make it, in what way would that make it equal to a grizzly barrageous force? It would have- When it touched you. It would have some sort of option for fighting back. Yeah. You know, I guess what you could do.

You know, I guess if it was like you were putting them in a sort of like a cock fighting ring, bare versus platypus. But what happens is you put- you sort of strap their bodies with explosives, right? Yeah. And those are kind of, they're kind of handicapped in explosives that, let's say, when the platypus kind of tries to lay a flipper on the grizzly bear's shoulder. The explosion that occurs on the grizzly bear's shoulder has to be equivalent to the force of a grizzly bear's pulse striking a grizzly bear.

Yeah, exactly right. So it's the difference, it makes up the difference in force between. Now we have a problem of the, you know, the equal and opposite reaction. So that when that explosion takes place when the flipper of the platypus touches the grizzly bear, the the platypus which weighs a lot less than the grizzly bear is going to be blasted back. All right, well, it'll be a, it'll be an implosion then. Oh, great. Well, it would have to be.

The grizzly-bear's shoulder will implode. I think you actually would need two explosions, right? You'd need one that blasts towards the grizzly bear, and then you'd need one on the other side of the platypus's flipper to sort of blast away to, yeah. Would that work to sort of cancel out? To keep the platypus in place?

Yes. Now the platypus is now the platypus is flipper is being sandwiched between two equivalent to explosions each equivalent to a blow from a grizzly bear. So it's really crushed by two grizzly bears. But but also I think you know it can't be disadvantaged by just being on the ground and at a low height compared to the grizzly bears. So it probably has little explosions that are helping it levitate. Yeah. Roughly grizzly height. Now the other disadvantage of course is enthusiasm, level of enthusiasm for the fox? Yeah.

So, I guess, inside the brain of the planet, could there be explosions? There's some explosions, some little explosions, strange, to various nerve centers. Yeah. nerves centers. Yeah, and I could see how that would be entertaining. It's a it's a who would win type scenario. Yeah. But are you referring to who will win the battle, the game, the segment that somebody played on our channel 31 community TV show? That's exactly right. Yes, I'm making a call back to the 2010 Get serial TV, Morning TV, morning TV community TV segment. Who would win with Chris Dubery?

There you go. It's about time that got a gritty remake. Re-about with actual animals, rather than just being conceptual and being aner, who was the lady who played Carrie on Sex in the City? Uh, Sarah Jessica Parker. Sarah Jessica Parker and then somebody else a horse. That's actually what it was. Okay.

And then we were instructed to not know the difference between the two. Wait, which one is Sarah Jessica Parker? That was the... Oh, that was the joke, because she looks like a horse. She has a horse face, is that right? She doesn't really have a horse face. You know, and that's true. Well, that is true. I guess if you, if you, yeah, if you really, if you really think about it, it doesn't hold up as much, but, but, you know, for something.

Yeah. One, two, three, four, five. Look, I mean, we have like any other animals where their nose pokes out from their face, like humans. You know, like out. Let's see. Yeah. I think most animals have sort of got the nose

sort of on a snout or sort of flat to the head, but we have like that We have a special little nose Mountain for our nose. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think it's possible that I've hit on it? I've discovered the thing that separates this. There could be the one thing that separates us. Let's think about it, wait. Oh wait, what about that monkey? That's got that fuck off nose.

That. The big fuck off nose. The, the, the, the, Proboscus monkey. Oh yeah. So that's referring to its penis. Either, either I'm wrong, either my theory doesn't work.

That humans aren't the only animal that has a nose that sticks out, or we've just discovered that Proboscus monkeys are even more human than we are. Yeah, I mean, it is a pretty funny nose. It's very funny. They look like an older European gentleman. Yeah, it's it's got a real asterix in Obelix vibe, I think. Yeah, and then you get you get them from some angles and you go, oh man, you look like you should be in a French film. Yeah, look like you're about to you know know, murder the king or something like that.

A lot of the time when you see a French person on film, it's not actually a French person. It's just a Poboska Smanky and a man's suit. Is this offensive? It's just cheaper. Deploying? Is this deeply racist offensive? I don't know. I don't know if it's not French people have. Yeah, it's not

right. Europeans have traditionally. Yeah, I don't know if I think if anything is it more about balancing the awfulness about of how much people have been have done this in the past. And you go we're actually doing the right thing. Is it really just about the amount of wine that gets drunk? Because I think it's drinking lots of wine that give you a big nose, right? Yeah, I just like, I don't, I would love to know what the mechanics of that is. What do you think it is?

You think some of the wine goes into your nose? No, it builds up in the nose. Because it makes, it makes your nose and face red. So do you think maybe some of the wine just kind of, maybe you wear down a hole in your cheek and it kind of starts to seep into there and then goes between the cheek and the skin. There's a reservoir. It starts traveling.

I think it might be something to do with breaking down, sorry to get boring on you. But I think it breaks down your capillaries somehow, the alcohol, because you see a lot of people with quite red face and those broken, you can see their veins and all those little capillaries under the skin. And maybe there's some sort of scar tissue type thing that happens as those break and reform. And that causes swelling. there's some sort of scar tissue type thing that happens as those break and reform and that causes swelling. Sure, it's quite possible. Yeah, I mean, that could, guess over time, could build up and create some kind of lumpiness.

But if you're going to do that, if you're nose is going to swell, you'd be crazy not to, you know, strap it into some kind of mold and then have it swell and grow into an interesting new shape. Like they do with the with the watermelons in Japan. Exactly. You can have a square nose. Yeah, you can have a square nose. You can have a perfectly triangular nose or a pyramid nose. You know, you could you could have your nose modeled on, I guess you would sleep, you would sort of sleep drink. Maybe you'd have like a while you'd drink, while you sleep, you'd allow, you'd put on the mold and then you'd allow, you'd get one of those drip things that normally goes into somebody's arm, but you'd have it go into your mouth. And it just drips enough that you can, that it just kind of

swallows it. It's just like just the natural leaking. Yeah. There must be like natural. There must be some way. I think this is a sketch idea. But like it's like, you know, some people get those types to listen to while they sleep so that they can quit drinking, you know, as a sort of thing. But what about this? This, it's a special kind of bottle that allows you to continue to drink while you sleep. So you can actually become more addicted to alcohol without any effort.

Yeah. It's very, and you could listen to tapes that are like, I will keep sleep drinking. Yeah, great. And you wake up, you like, I will keep sleep drinking. Yeah, great. And you wake up, you go, I feel like sleep drinking. You wake up, waking up drunk. But this could also be a new beauty standard for men. Because I don't think we have enough beauty standards for men.

Hangover, hangover fix as well. Yeah, absolutely. You ever wake up hungover again by waking up drunk. But you know, women have had so much to deal with over the years. I think it's about time men address the balance by coming up with a new beauty standard. And the square nose could be one. And it could be equivalent to foot binding in China that they used to do. Yeah, it's known.

Don't even know. No, it's binding. Diamond, you know, diamond and, yep, look, you know, all the, all the jewel cuts. Mm, yeah. Garnet. Garnet, is that a cut? No, I don't know. It's a type of gem.

It is a type of gem. Let me see. Let's look at diamond. No, LSD. No, no, no, no. It's not that kind of broadcast. We don't do the presentation of this one. We don't.

We don't. No, but there's a Cartier for 59,000. You can get a ring where the diamonds are shaped like the head of a panther. Think about your nose, looking like a, it's like a hood ornament. You could shape it into like, you could shape your nose into like the Mercedes-Benz kind of like, I don't know what's that one,

the Benny, Benzons and hedges, no the car. Mercedes-Benz. Oh, is that a Benny? Okay, yeah, what's the one, Ben Benson's and hedges, no the car. Mercedes Benz. Oh, is that a Benny? Okay, yeah, what's the one that has, it looks like a woman leaning forward with maybe wings or like drapes, rolls, rolls, rolls, royals for short. And like that, you could have that put and then shape that over years. It's like a nose. Type your right.

A nose bonsai. Yeah. Right. You know, when you die, you're, you know, your nose is shaped like a dragon or like an eagle or I mean, I think if you had, you know, shaped like a dragon and people might consider that like cultural appropriation or something like that. That's not what this is about. There's not one of us.

No, this is about this is a new thing. We're creating a new thing. That what yeah, I mean, it would be a real shame to for us to come up with a totally new cultural idea, like nose binding. And then people to just use it to do cultural appropriation. Oh, you know, they make it shaped like a sort of islander tattoo. Yeah.

Oh, no, that's not what we were trying. But this sleep drinking, you see, because I reckon your food pipe and liquid pipe probably has a certain amount that it allows through it. It's not a perfect seal, I imagine, right? Um, do you think? a certain amount that it allows through. It's not a perfect seal, I imagine, right? Do you think? Yeah, no, I think it'd be a little bit, because you're swallowing as well in your sleep. There's saliva being made. Your body must be swallowing.

So you're just tapping into that already natural process and it is old as time itself. Exactly, maybe even older. Sure. You swallow while you sleep before time. Remember, before time itself, man, you used to swallow in his sleep saliva. And any alcoholic beverages that were piped into his mouth while he slept from some kind of night drinking routine.

Exactly. Now, we probably have enough sketches so that I can go to the three words. Okay. Three words from a listener. Now these three words come from a listener. And these three words were are dated back. They're dated. You can tell when these were submitted because of what the words are and why they were submitted in this way. I'm gonna guess the right now. They come from listener, Brian Kallala. Hi, Brian.

Hi, Brian. Do you want me to tell you when they were submitted? Okay. Okay, tell me. Do you want me to tell you when they were submitted? Yeah, okay. Tell me. Probably roughly you when they were submitted. Yeah, okay. Tell me probably roughly February or March

last year February or March last year was this so this is early COVID breakout. This is probably about the time that Brian had to cancel his tickets to come to Melbourne for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Yeah, but they were submitted before he canceled them. Okay. Where they hear I come. That's not the first word. No, the first word, unfortunately, is Brian. Okay.

Brian on podcast. Is he is it about him coming on podcast? It's not the second word. No, the second word is returns Brian returns To the podcast is that the last word to the podcast is not the third word no Melbourne Brian returns Melbourne. Well, I mean, that turned out to be more true than any of us would have wished because Brian had to return his tickets to Melbourne.

But of course, you could imagine a scenario in which somebody say someone called Brian would make a city and that the people who designed made it, for example, like Canberra, which is more of a manufactured city, pre-designed kind of thing, where once it was made, people thought, it's not really what we asked for. Yeah, okay. And you would try to get a refund on it or a room. Trying to get a refund on an entire city. Because there's, I guess once you get

to a certain size of things, people kind of don't expect that they'll get a refund. That is true. Yeah, I mean, there, you know, there are, it depends on the, the terms of the contract I imagine, but, you know, they'd imagine, but there are these projects where a company takes on a project that is so big that if it doesn't work out, then it just has

to, if there was any consequence, if you tried to get them to give you the money back, the company would just collapse and you would get nothing, right? Yeah, yeah. Which is, I guess the sort of the too big to fail problem of, yeah, you know, the government gets into contracts like this all the time where they say it's going to cost a certain amount and then five years down the track is not finished and they're like, we're going to need another two billion dollars to finish this. They put it another two billion dollars and then it's like, track is not finished and they're like, we're gonna need another $2 billion to finish this. And they put it another $2 billion and then it's like,

nah, we're gonna need another $2 billion, sorry. And it just goes like that because they don't have a choice. We'll see, this is why I'm creating a company whose finances are so tight. Yeah. Yes. That. If you return anything, anything, anything, if you return anything, I have to

fall, I have to fall the company. We make those red jelly frogs that you buy at milk bars, that they sell for five cents each. And for single one, it doesn't get sold or needs to get returned. We as soon as that the buddy comes through five sets by five sets to the head office, we are paycheck to paycheck where five cent coin to five cent coin and we need that to stay afloat. And if there's the tiniest disruption, we have to return one of those coins, this entire edifice comes crashing down. I guess this is kind of like what happened to that company, Green Sill. You see Green Sill? They were that big, like sort of middle man finance company that was offering people,

offering to pay, what was it's some sort of cash flow thing, where if you've got an invoice coming through at the end of the month, we'll give you the money now, and then you get the- But we'll take some cut. Yeah, and we take some cut, and then you give us the rest

when the invoice comes through. I mean, maybe it's not exactly like that, but I like these, this is the way you make so much money, so quickly it seems like at the moment. You come up with some kind of fin tech platform, right? Like, all these things, they're like, you know, people doing to some sort of weird decentralized banking or all these afterpay things where you can get the product now and we pay for it and then you pay it off over multiple payments. This is such a fucking bubble right now, all this kind of stuff.

And, you know, I think it's bad. I think it's going to end badly for a lot of people, but I would love to come up with one. Just a little app where you're like, oh, you know, we do some little money thing that's in the middle. We get some sort of fee and all it is is an app and then What about this never has to make any money, but we we just the value of the company sky rockets we sell out real quick we take out when you know when you got We know when you got like you got change in your pocket, right? And you got like 35 cents, but what you need is 40 cents. Yeah. Right. You tap this button on your phone and we'll forward you the five cents. Yeah. Okay. Like that. Put it into your bank account. And then we'll just charge your interest on that.

What about this? This is nothing. This is nothing. No, but this is something, Halestair. We make an assessment of how much money somebody finds on the ground over the course of a year, right? Yeah. And what we do is you get that upfront. We'll give that to you upfront, that total at the start of the year. And then, just whenever you find money on the ground, you send it to us. Okay, and that's...

And all we ask is that, but all we ask is that you let us look through your eyes 24 hours a day. It would happen. You'd say that's the only thing that we ask and form. Right? But you'll get like 250 bucks in the beginning of every year, January 1st. 250 bucks, but we're allowed to look through your eyes,

24 hours a day, just to make sure that if you do find money, we get to have it. We just, you know, get a cheap system. We get a computer vision checking it out. We could even have a thing where like we have, you know, I imagine we could work out how much money is down the back of everybody's couches, you know? And then we'll send, you can cash that in.

That's an asset class that isn't realized at the moment, okay? And we'll just automatically give you that amount of money and then we'll send someone around to your house to root around under all your cushions and find as much money as they can and take away. It's every three months. But you get, you know, it becomes a kind of like a harvesting, yeah, harvesting type thing.

Harvest time says the man, when he bangs on the door, he comes in and he looks through all the stuff, maybe goes around inside the tumble dryer and sort of scrape stuff out from all those gaps. You know, you know, you look under the bridge. What's that? Lads look under the fridge. Yeah, loud to look under the fridge. You can look in any knuckin' cranny. All the forgotten spaces. I mean, I've got dollar coins sitting down in those little gaps sort of under the tracks of where the seat slide back and forth, and I can't get to that.

So that money's just going to sit there. If he's got a special little sort of pair of tweezers with a bend in them, that'd be part of his job description is to get that out. But you do understand why my version, I was saying, uh, we get to look through your eyes 24 hours a day. I do understand that. I'll stay, yes. But, but, but do you know why you would really be doing it? Why? Because you could be able to use that information. Oh, yeah. To sell, you know, to companies or advertisers, what are he's looking at

rice, Chris, bees, he's looking, he's currently looking at rice, Chris, bees. He's always lingered on the rice, Chris, bees. We've got a rice, Chris, bees buyer. We've advertised some rice, Chris, Chris, bees to him. I know he's looking at some right now. He could buy those ones, but we'll advertise them to him. They're all the other side of the city and their ten cents cheaper. It's a thought. You know, it's something. Yeah, let's get you anything. We'll give you the money for the money. Yeah. lost money up front. I'll just share with you joke, but we're not that far off, I think.

Like there are people who, this is exactly the same as those people who offer the services of finding your lost super, right? It's exactly the same business model, but it's more literal. As soon as we can do this with a robot, there'll be a margin in this and we'll actually be able to make it work.

Little robot who comes around, crawls around, snuffling through all your nukes and crannies. Yeah, I mean, it's crazy that there's money in that funny, you lost supers and they're just like a government app. They're like a government website that just does it for you. Yeah, yeah, for free. Yeah. But when you search for it, that's not the first thing that comes up in the search results.

The one thing you have to pay come up first. There's always so many fucking things like that. Scammy. Andy, I'll take us through the today's. Oh, thank you, Brian. I hope that that was okay. So here's the sketch ideas for today. What do I reckon?

The quiz show about what celebrity guests thinks of the world. What you think a celebrity guests thinks of the world. Then we got... The show could be called celebrity guests. Oh, yes, celebrity guests. That's probably better. I mean, that's probably the title of the show. Yeah.

The episode. Yeah. Yeah, the episode of this limb, limb jump limb jump bow which is High jump and limbo combined together a high jump and limbo combined together into like the athletics track and field kind of thing, but where you gotta, it's on a high jump, and it's not low jump, but it's in between jump.

Mm. It's the just right jump. Then we got, don't, they don't tell you what sport you're playing, Olympics. It's a lucky dip. It's a lucky dip It's a lucky dip. That's the Olympics where you you train and then but they don't tell you what sport for And then you get there and you hopefully get something that you're good at or you're maybe you know around there Then we got the handicap for how long you've trained Olympics

You know similar kind of idea trained Olympics, you know, similar kind of idea. Then we got method of living alongside wild animals. You know, how would we make that work be able to live alongside rhinos and stuff like that. It's adaptation. It's adaptation. Yeah. Exactly. Maybe if we just more than we're taking sort of the reins of evolution. Evolution is sort of honed things to compete, and then we're sort of blunting those edges that evolution has given them. So we're no longer in competition.

And maybe if we just like walked in packs more, humans, you know, we could have like wild cats around, and we just walk in packs, and if they start trying to pick off some of the kids or whatever like that then we kind of surround them and you know make them feel bad or whatever we insult their stripes and stuff. Yeah, or from a couple of kids. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Sometimes you gotta just do it. Then we got making animal versus animal cock fights more equal. Yep.

I'm using explosives. Yeah, I think, yeah, I think it's a, I think I'd like to see in the format of that sketch, you know, a description of, there are some kids shows on TV that are like, who would win? Kind of things. There's one that's called the most extreme. And they're talking about different animals. And then there could be one that's like that.

But it's promoted, it's like a fight promotion. Where it's like, a grizzly verb versus a platypus. But then they go on to list all the different, what would you call it? Like add up, you know, not adaptations, but additions that you've put onto the platypus to make it competitive. This, this style of entertainment would probably be called exploitation. Exactly. Animal exploitation. animal exploitation Then we got molding your alcoholic nose with molds

You know, that's gonna be a quite a new thing Then we got sleep drinking of course Then we got the too big to fail company that isn't big at all Yeah, yeah, you just do it by keeping low overheads Then we got the Too Big To Fail company that isn't big at all. Yeah. Yeah, you just do it by keeping low overheads. I mean, I'm not keeping. We're on our right, it's ancient, a whole time. At all times, anything you return, we will collapse.

We're not giving you back your money. No refunds, it's actually impossible for us to withstand them. And then, and then the, of course, the we will give you money, you'd find on the ground up front company, Fintech company. This is a, this is the kind of idea that I love. I think again is probably not that funny, but I do love it. I think it it I make up for how not funny it is by how much I love the idea You know that's okay Andy, but also you know in the writing we could make it funny. There you go Sometimes the idea has something but

Maybe it doesn't even have much, but you could just add a few jokes and mix it funny Never know never Never know. Couple of jokes could get it over the lawn. Yeah, get it over the lawn. Boop is so much for listening to the thick tank. The show we come up with five seagulls is, man, another one where I am so tired doing a regular episode, and I am so terrified of what will be involved

in doing an extra long one. But, yeah. What we have told the listeners is how many drugs we're gonna be taking to do this. Are we have told the listeners is how many drugs we're going to be taking to do this. Are we? Yep. And that's cool. And what which ones are we going to be micro dosing some LSD or something?

Or macro dosing? Yeah. Yeah, just eating a big bowl of it. I just don't think that it would help genuinely. Hmm. Well, it might make it less painful or it might help us deal with the trauma in some way. Anyway, thank you for so much for listening to In The Thing Tank. I am at Strupp at Old Andy on Twitter. He's at LSDR TB.

We can't go inside if we start the episode inside. We are at Two In Tank. Yeah, and we're, you know what? So happy to have you listening and you know, you can support some Patreon and you can always get magmaofvs.supresents.com. And you can also just continue living your life. You don't need to. We're not looking through your eyes all 24 hours a day. We don't want to change you. That's the last thing we want. Maybe change you a little bit. We could fix you. I can fix you. I can fix. And we or her love.

You you do do do do do do fix them or her You. You. Do do do do do do. Ex-em. Or her. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career in a rewarding field, with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation.

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