Simple Swedish Podcast - 299 - "MICROWAVE KETTLE"

Episode Date: August 18, 2021

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I mean if there's one thing that'll make me feel better about my grasp of rhythm Alistair is your grasp of rhyme. Yeah. Together. We we we know you you're doing you're doing a really interesting thing there. Am I yeah, a cable card. You're doing something that well yeah, but the word ball ball over the is a very accepted, um, you know, that kind of playing around with language like, you know, like, the rhyme scheme gives you license to play with words that you would, you would, you'd never get away with that in prose, you know, if you chucked a door into prose, you'd be laughed out of the literary community. Is there rhyming pros? Fucking poets.

Is there rhyming pros? Oh, that is a great question. And. And that's the kind of questions we get in two in the think tank, the podcast you're listening to where we try to come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy and that's Alistair. It's the other way around.

That's right. But I'm Alistair, you all the good stuff's already happened. You missed a great bit where I got worried about my dog's erection, and we almost had to cancel the podcast. We already do the podcast late, but Andy, I called up moments. I'd been texting with Andy. He's like, oh, you ready? Yeah. And within moments, something had happened. I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm not going to say that.

I'm not going to say moments. I'd been texting with Andy's like, Oh, you ready? Yeah. And within moments, something had happened. And he's like, Oh, I think we're going to have to go to the vet. I can't, I can't talk right now. And then it turned out that it was just their dog had a gigantic erection. And then they looked at a bunch of erections online. And we. And did you think that maybe some guts were sticking out? Like, like, there was a hernia, herniating through the pins. It looked really problematic. Like, if that had happened to me,

it would have absolutely been a doctor scenario. Sure. If you had had a dog's dick. Exactly. Yeah. Yes. I mean, I think that little, you know, the retracting nature of a dog's penis is a great thing. And I think it should be applied to all, all human limbs that they should just be able to be pulled back in. Tell you where this would be really good for, cardling in bed. You know what would be even better for it. Yeah. Air travel. You could retract all your limbs back and then instead of your final form just be a suitcase.

and fits in the overhead department. Yeah. I, you know, I, a lot of, um, a lot of movies, a lot of superhero origin movies, you know, the villain you'll find is experimenting with some sort of thing to give humans, you know, additional strength or, um, regeneration capabilities, and then an experiment goes wrong and they go mad. And that's sort of the thing. And I'd love to see the supervillain origin of his experimenting with something that will allow you to retract their limbs for easier air travel.

And then it all goes wrong, and he becomes the suitcase. The suitcase. The human suitcase. And then, but I mean, you know, there'd be, there'd be benefits to that. It doesn't seem like it at first, but you know, another person could pick him up and hit someone with it.

Yeah, you know? Yeah, a supervillain who is just, who's just something that other people use to hit other people with. Yeah, supervillain who's another supervillain's weapon. The business man. The business man and the suitcase, a little little attach A case. Yeah, but you don't realize it's the suitcases, the brains, as well as being the weapon. You see? Yeah, well, the business man is actually the muscle. I think there's an argument to be made that something like the the atomic bomb in World War II. It was too tempting a weapon not to use, right? logic to, you know, say

that the weapon itself was had this kind of bewitching power, right? And I wonder if you could say the same thing about a man with retractable arms and legs and little handles soad onto his side of his torso. I reckon a similar would happen if a superhero could just become like a limp leather glove. Yeah. You know, like one that you would slap someone with in order to start a duel. I think those gloves are so tempting to slap someone with like a driving glove or something

like that. Literally, just you talking about it is doing something to me. It's making me want to slap someone across the face twice. And that's what, you know, when the suitcase is actually in their human form, in their top pocket, there's actually another super villain called the glove. The glove. And pulls him out. And that's what he uses as a weapon.

The absolute goal of them to call it a suitcase. I mean, have you ever put a suit in a suitcase? I get all crinkled. They get all fucking crinkled, don't they? It's it's um, yeah, maybe it's where you put your lawsuits. You know what I I don't know I don't know if that's actually the case They should they should spell it different.

Yeah, I mean, but are you making a briefcase? Are you making a briefcase joke? No. Because that's literally a case where you put your law briefs. That's like what a briefcase is. Oh, right. Right. But I was in a joke. No, I thought that briefcase was a place you put your underpants. I mean, that really does make sense. Yeah. It's just, it's exactly a suitcase, but looks like it's been sized for underpads. I mean, it doesn't make sense because it's such a small size to be traveling with and such an awkward way to Dangle all of the weight of Your belongings off of one limb You know throwing your back out thing like that I have heavy underpants look

My underpants are fully loaded. Because I, you know, just to overcompensate for the fact I don't have your tiny dogs gigantic penis. I'm going to write down the suitcase just because... Sure. Because you'd like to move on. Just so we have something on the board, you know, the suitcase. Sure. I mean, it's a psychological win if nothing else. Yeah, I mean, when you write it down, are you writing it down as the super villain, or are

you writing it down as some sort of complaint about the fact that it's not very good for carrying suits? I've got, I think the idea that a villain, I mean, it's like, you know, it's the super villain who can retract their body parts, but also is the weapon of another super villain, I think at the moment that's what I've got. Yeah. A real suitcase like something that would actually be good for carrying suits would be something that you sort of, it would be, it would be long.

It would be the full height of a wardrobe. And it would, I guess it would just be a very, very narrow wardrobe. Yeah. Right. That maybe you could wheel around sort of like that thing that they wheel Hannibal Lecter on. Well, yeah, I think if it was a suit chase, right? And it was just a man called Chase wearing your suit. Who wears the suits? But he is completely odorous. Odorous. So there's no risk. Oh, yeah. Odorous Chase. Risk of him sweating up your clothes. That's right any and he's either Yeah, laying on one of those things like Hannibal Lecter or traveling sort of

Straight up on one of those like hoverboard to wheeled things So that he's not creasing your suit I think if you were really really super wealthy. Yeah, that would be the Way to keep all of your clothes, you would store them on odorless body doubles. You'd find people who looked exactly like you, your exact body type. You You get them plastic surgery so their face is, you know, close enough. Yeah. And you would, while they're there to have all their pores removed. Exactly. Yes. You'd cauterize all their sweat pores. Get them to a sweat through their mouth like a dog so they can still regulate their

temperature. And then this, yes. And then this is the new concept of a walk in wardrobe. It's a wardrobe that walks past you. You stand there. It's a walk in. And you know, so that's what you were saying, sorry. It's a walking walk in wardrobe and they walk past you. But why are you putting the G on there? Because you can have it sound just like walking.

All right, Alistair. It's a walk in wardrobe. You see? See the joy it's in that? It's a walk in wardrobe and it walks past you. And when you see the outfit that you like, right, you, I don't know, I guess you just taser the guy, right? Oh, no, that would be no good. Taking the clothes on the dead, like that's not going to be. I think in the great, the great thing about the walk in wardrobe, is they're not walking because you know, one of the crazy clothes or do any physical activity that

will lead to them sweating through their profusely through their mouth. I think having them mill around past you, having them walk past you. I don't think they're going to crease your clothes just walking. You just open the doors to the wardrobe and out they parade one after another. Yeah, that's nice. And then I guess they dress you, right? Whoever you, it is that you pick. They take their clothes off and they put them after another. Yeah, that's nice. And then I guess they dress you, right? Whoever you it is that you pick, they take their clothes off and they put them on to you. Oh, and they put your old your clothes that you were wearing off on, on, on, onto them and then

they walk away. And they go clean them. Yeah. Maybe they go shower in them. And I think this would be a great thing to put into one of those teen movies, you know, where you see the Rich Girls house. And, yeah, you know, this is a teen movie where you see the Rich Girls house. I mean, I think they should be those for adults now, where you get to watch the teen girl have like a Rich House. house. You know, movies about teens don't just for teens. They should make it for adults now. Yeah, it's like Nintendo's for adults, you know, as well. Is are they making like very like are there any games that are actually targeted at adults? Like people in their 30s, 40s, computer games for that group of people, or is everything sort of still targeted

this sort of young gamer? I guess there are. Of course there are. Like all those things that are like, you know, decorate a mansion or something like that there, sort of just aimed at people. Yeah, look, I don't know. Our age who can't get into the housing market, right? I don't know the answer to that, but I just, if you're okay, I want to go back to

walk and wardrobe for a second. Yeah, of course. Because I feel like the selling point that rich people would love about this, is that you get to put on warm clothes. They're already body warmth. You know, they're already, I think of that it'd be nice, you know? Yeah. Imagine pulling on a pair of underpants that are already at the body temperature,

already at genital temperature of this. That'd almost be like having sex. Yeah, yeah, pulling, pulling yourself into that body will. Yeah, I think I think 90% of sex is just getting to experience someone else's warmth. It's, it's, it's having to not, not totally be responsible for keeping all of your extremities at body temperature all by yourself. That's right.

And then the other 10% is just work. Mm. Chores, essentially. But then, you know what I also like about your description of them walking out Is that I like to think that they're they're all in there and they probably would just be chatting Yeah, you know, and then sometimes you go hey Walk and wardrobe, can you keep it down? Because this is still like just in the quarter of your bedroom. Yeah. You're still trying to sleep a lot of the time. 50, 60 people in there.

Hmm. Ah, at least. I mean, and they could actually sleep maybe dangling from hooks. That would be good. Now, would they sleep? How would they sleep? Maybe their head locks into a little socket. Kinda like a, you know, like a ball, like

a, like a hip joint kind of thing, like the, you know, their head, and then they dangle from their neck like that. They all got a slightly weirdly long neck. That's the only thing that's there. The only thing that might make you feel a bit weird is Well, you need about one inch too long. So that they don't try and usurp you, right? Don't try and steal your life. Yeah, yeah, that's right.

And so, and that's how people on the outside would be able to tell. Like the neighbors would always be keeping an eye on you to make sure your neck is a good normal length. Exactly. Haven't been toppled by one of your closet clones. Oh, so they all look like you were there. They're just got your same body shape.

They've got your body shape and maybe, you know, like your face, your similar kind of features because you're trying one of the great advantages as well, because, you know, you can see what the outfit looks like on, you know, without you having to try it on. I think there's a good story in, you know, them actually some, you know, one kind of gaming sentience, even though there are probably all sentient. That's just a job. Yeah, they're all just people working your job really. But one who kind of, you know, is a bit of a revolutionary and they do take you

out and they do assume your identity, but then they use different methods to make their neck look less long. You know, just slight shoulder padding. Yeah, scops, gobs, maybe like start growing a neck beard. Yeah, that would, that would cover a lot. Yeah, maybe if they join the Taliban, you know, sure, that, then they kind of feel like they have to grow one of those beards. It's the perfect, it's really the perfect cover. Well, I mean, yeah, you could just be saying, I'm, you say to your neighbor, I'm, I've just, I've just converted to quite an extreme form

of Islam. Mm. And then they'll be like, oh, don't worry then, we just thought your neck was getting longer. Yeah, but there's nothing more to see here. No follow up questions, I think, and that's it, right? Something to think, nothing more to see here. No follow-up questions, I think, in that scenario. Yeah. Something to think about. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I had something that dribbled across my brain as we were talking then. And was it something more about suits? And, oh, well, this would be a great nobody's done this right but I think it would be a real

pat cool power move you know when you're in a romantic situation right and things get to the right point where it's time to take off your clothes I think it would be a real cool power move if somebody could invent a special type of clothes where you can just like set fire to them. Right, they will just burn off your body real quick. I would like that. Right, but it's a special kind of fire that doesn't obviously injure you or in any way. Room temperature fire.

What does it destroy? It's room temperature fire. It's body temperature fire. Or I guess slightly above, because then your body would probably just ignite your clothes just walking around. Well, are you saying it's ignited by room temperature? Well, I wonder if that's, isn't that sort of what fire is in a way?

It's something that propagates itself. Right. So that the temperature that it is is the temperature that it needs to give to things to. Oh, I just always just assumed it had something to do with the flame. You know, I fires definitely got something to do with the flame. I don't want to. I don't know, but you know what about like, I hope you didn't think that I was saying that it didn't. No, I just somehow I felt like the flame is contagious.

I just somehow felt like the flame is contagious. What the life did? I can't know, I think it is. No, but I mean, like, there's something about, like it's like a chain reaction. And maybe that's exactly what you're saying, but it's like, it's like whatever the process that's occurring here, something binding with oxygen or splitting from oxygen is emitting something that might cause another one.

And again, I think we're basically saying the same thing, Alistair, where the thing that it is emitting is heat energy. Yeah. Right? Yeah, yeah, but you know how like, you can have like, you think it's sort of more like a trend like. Yeah, I guess, I guess like, I just picture the idea that you could have hot air without fire.

Mm. You know, I don't know what temperature we're talking about. It could be very high. It could be 106 or something like that, degrees Celsius. But yeah, you know, I also like, there's those scenarios in which you can have super-heated water like in the microwave or something like that

where it's like, you microwave something for, for, you know, 10 minutes. And then somehow it's just sitting there still in water form, but then you disturb it momentarily. And it explodes and has this crazy phase change into gas. One of my big, one of my big fears, really? I'm super heated, pulling a cup of super heated water

out of the microwave. Apparently it has to just be. I have a lot of reasons to, I think it has to be like, boil water in the microwave. Obsessively clean, the mug has to just be like, I have a lot of reasons to be like, boil water in the microwave. Obsessively clean, the mug has to be crazy clean. Yeah, I definitely, definitely, then I really shouldn't worry.

But you know who needs to worry is Americans who make tea by microwaving water. They have a lot to worry about. That's true. Yeah. But apparently, I read, I don't know where I read this, but apparently tea made that way. It's fine. It's the same. You know what, I reckon you're right.

Yeah, but people, I think people turn their nose up at it. They go, they somehow, they turn their nose up at microwave water, boiled water. Yeah, too good to boil too good to microwave water. I think the water knows. The water knows how it's being boiled, Alistair. It can tell your soul, your soul knows, no, it knows and you're not treating yourself with respect. This would be a, this would be a really fun thing for us to do. Would be to get a bunch of British people and prepare tea. British people who say they really care about tea and will prepare tea in the most fucked ways imaginable. We'll be microwaving it, we won't heat the tea pot before you put the water in all that, you know, all the most awful things that you can imagine.

Well, we'll use molasses instead of sugar. I have imagine people will care about tea or using lots a sugar. But I guess my point of my thing is that, then we give it to them and they won't be able to tell. Oh, what about this? I invent a microwave that's shaped exactly like a kettle. Right? And then I sell it to British people, telling them it's a kettle. And what they don't realize is that every time they think they're boiling their water in a kettle, they're actually microwaving it. It's really good. So every time they're just pressing down on the kettle button, or putting it on the stove,

putting it on the stove, turning on the flames, what that's actually powering is like a little particle accelerator inside of the microwave. Yeah, there's a tiny little generator or something that turns that heat into electricity that we used to power the microwave. And it's all super well-itulated, so none of the heat is getting to the water from the flame. It's exclusively biker wave heat. What I do is I roll these out into the British market.

I roll them out at an insanely affordable price point. Right? This is a real loss leader for me. Yeah. Everyone in Britain gets one of these things. It's so cheap. You know, some fucking fake, you know, they they look, they look really classy. They've got some sort of, you know, retro appeal or whatever. They're fucking lapping it up. Even people. There's a picture of the queen on there.

Even people who are standing in line with a brand new kettle will look at that. Well, you know, who've just just gone through the checkout. They've just bought a brand new kettle and they'll see that one on the display as you walk out. You know, like my key end is that and stuff. And they'll feel this feeling in this stomach, just like a, ooh. They'll boot their new kettle out the front door into the car park and then they'll go back in

and just buy this kettle for so cheap. That's how good it is, right? And how affordable the price point is. And then, so I roll this out into the market. And I let them use it for four or five years, right? It's a really good kettle everyone's talking about it. They all love it. It becomes a big part of their British identity.

And then I reveal, maybe I take over all the TV stations and I reveal what I've done, right? That actually they've been microwaving their tea for the last five years. And that's when I invade, just when their national spirit is at its lowest eb. So you invade? And they put up no resistance. You invade the island of England. Yeah. And it's my plan. A one man invasion? So you invade they put up no resistance you invade the island of England.

Yeah. And it's my plan. A one man invasion. Well, I guess I've got an army. I mean, I must have something behind me. Maybe maybe a trolley. So much, but there's fucking kettle business. I grew up. Kettles.

Maybe you could just walk into Parliament and just say I, I, I'm taking over. This is a coup. Hmm. Yeah, I don't think they'd. I don't think they put up any resistance. They wouldn't have anything to fight for anymore. I think if you walked into the way, firstly, I love it. I love it because that'll teach that'll teach people to care about something. Exactly. That's, there's one thing that we want a message that we want to convey on this podcast

is that it's done to do that. Certainly don't like to think in this messed up world. Exactly. Like it isn't political, it isn't a disaster. And just for shame, you know, for shame. Anyway, let's rule it. Well, you know, it's certainly don't, don't make anything, don't tie yourself worth to anything. Don't make it a part of your identity. Certainly don't think that some fucking thing that your country does makes it good in some way. Yeah, just because because we absolutely know that that's not the case. Here in Australia, we are a test case in proving that if your country does something that doesn't make you good or it doesn't make yet good.

Anyway, and then eventually, eventually, you know, celebrities from America and India and you know, all the countries that are not England will go over there and they'll do that same thing that they do here in Australia when like a celebrity comes over and we make them taste Mmm, we make them taste veggie might veggie might and at some point people in England will be like Go on try the tea taste normal doesn't it taste far That water's been microwaved. It's crazy Shouldn't work then the Americans will be like yeah, that water has been microwaved. It's crazy. Shouldn't work. Then the Americans will be like, yeah, that's fine.

I, speaking of Veggie Might, recently I accidentally swapped over the lids of a jar of Veggie Might and a jar of peanut butter. You know how sometimes with your jar of peanut butter, there's that little bit of peanut butter that gets stuck to the underside of the lid. Oh yeah. You know about this. Yeah, you've seen this? Yeah. Then just yesterday, right, I was taking the lid off the veggie mite and I was like, oh, there's a little bit of peanut butter under there. I can see what's happened here. And then I thought, I was taking the lid off the veggie mart and I was like, oh, there's a little bit of peanut butter under there. I can see what's happened here.

And then I thought, I wonder if that peanut butter is in any way absorbed any of the flavor of the veggie mart just from being enclosed with it. All right, and so I wiped it off there with my finger and I tasted that little bit of peanut butter. And let me tell you, that was a worse fucking thing I have ever tasted in my life. Whatever, you think vegggie might taste bad.

Whatever the gas is that comes off the top of a veggie might when it's just enclosed like that. Veggie might pull. It's much worse. Yeah, Veggie. Well, I mean, if you ever drive past the Veggie Might factory, sorry, this is very Australian conversation now. Sorry, we're not speaking, you know, we're not speaking to our international audience for

the moment. If you've ever driven past the Veggie Might factory, which is here in Melbourne, just in southeast Melbourne, it is the most disgusting smelling fucking place. Yeah, it's like that in Thunderberg driving anywhere near the Thunderberg realm factory. Yeah Just the pong. It's like Yeah, well yeah, it's it's no good. I mean, I think a whatever it is There's a lot of whatever the process is of making veggie might I think you have to, there's a lot of, whatever the process is of making Veggie Might, I think you have to get rid of a lot of the,

whatever the most awful bit of Veggie Might is, you've got to pump that out into the atmosphere in some way. Well, I don't know if I've told you this, but yeah, like working at the cheese factor at Big Cheese, that had a really distinct smell, which actually no owns Veggie Might anyway. So I don't know if it's a weird, they got it because they're like,

oh, things with weird smells. But if you wanna smell what it's like, next time you crack open a one kilo block of cheddar cheese, right? Yeah. When you get scissors or get that knife, just prick a hole. Just a little hole.

Just puff the screws in the back and just smell what my place of work used to smell like. Because they even pack other cheeses there. They used to pack badala there. They had packed. Really? Yeah. They haven't seen a badala for a long time. No, yeah.

Badalas, yeah, I don't know if it's still around. But beddala was one of my passwords ages ago. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession resistant career in a rewarding field with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation.

You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time. Mycomputercare E.D.U. Really? Yeah, well, it was played a part. I wonder if there's any accounts still existent way I could hack in. Yeah, I shouldn't have said that.

It's fine. We don't have anything out. There we go. That's pretend I can't just set it. Okay, very good boot. Hey look, just because you know, not that we're struggling, but I think that because we had an idea right before the part, the part when we were talking about the part when we were talking about when we were talking about your dog. We were talking I mentioned the idea that there should be, you know, because vets are human there should be at least one doctor that is an animal. Mmm, absolutely. Yeah. You know, and my pitch was a sort of a do-y-house-a-style show.

Because, you know, that's about a genius child who becomes a surgeon, a really young age. Yeah. And I was pitching a chimp that becomes a surgeon. Yeah. At a really young age. That's a really young chimp. That's a very young chimp. That's a really young chimp. And it becomes... It is the best doctor.

You know, it's, it's statistics speak for itself, but then there is that thing of like, are you willing to go under the knife? From what is essentially, you know, an animal, you know, a wild animal. Yeah. Well, I think I like the idea of the young chimpe, because I think firstly that shows you how genius it must be. And second of all, I think that reduces the chances

of people getting mulled. I think they kind of get a little bit scared. Well, of it's true in these years. Yeah, that's true. I think in those early years, you still have some innocence. Well, I think, you know, but that's what makes these characters so compelling as well, a lot of the time in a medical drama, you know, you think about something like House, you know, he had his demons.

Sure. And I mean, who has more demons than a lady-life chimp? A lady-life wild chimp. Who has hunted other apes for meat, tribes, and then beaten them. Those other apes to death with its bare hands. So, I think knowing that there's an animal who could, instead of, you know, at a pinch,

like, you know, like let's say you're on a plane and there's a need for like an emergency amputation, knowing that there's a doctor on the plane who is a young champ or an old champ, sorry, who could just pull your arm off. The emergency amputation, that's the advantage. Yeah. Yeah.

Is there an old champ doctor on the plane? Yeah. Well, it feels like you could. It feels like you could. It feels like, you know, removing the doctor element, it feels like given their ability to rip an arm off, it feels like there could be a medical use for chimps in the amputation world. You know, that you just get them in and they just, they just have one function, basically. You shove the offending limb into a chimp cage. So like a glory hole. And he just gets ripped off.

Like a glory. It's my preferred method of service delivery. Is the glory hole. There's more of a glory hole. It's really a glory hole is just a short pipe, isn't it? It's like, is actually the shortest pipe you can have. It's going from one side of a wall to another. And that you just build the pipe right into the wall.

So that way you don't have any exposed pipe. So, yeah, I mean, there's a lot to be done. I think that that's probably how the chimps we realized the potential. They were probably introduced into medicine just for the emergency amputations of ripping good old arms off. But then we discovered that they're actually really good for more fine motor skills stuff like... Well, maybe we noticed that there was one chimp in particular that when it was ripping off the arm, was doing it in a much more precise kind of way.

Yeah, well, maybe that they made us all realize that actually the arm could be saved by just, you know, through some manipulation, and they probably could sew up, though. just in or through some manipulation and you know, they probably could sew up though. Actually, there's probably no need for all these crazy amputations we've been doing. But they became so easy. You know, and I guess you could charge so much for a chimp, a chimp amputation. Maybe this is, maybe that's a sort of a, a natural Maybe that's something there that it's a natural medicine. In a way, it's a sort of, because there's a lot of natural medicines, but there's not a lot of natural surgeries. That's where we see these incredible remedies. But what about, yes, exactly.

But then you think, well, nature already has, you need to get your diabetic leg removed. Nature's already got a solution for this. Yeah, the wolf. I prescribe, shoving one leg into a wolf cage. Into the mouth of a hippo. Nature knows best. But I wonder if our super smart chimp doctor dedicates its life to repairing, you know,

it's a plastic surgeon dedicates its life to repairing the damage to people who have suffered chimp attacks. Sure. You know, there's a beauty to that. I think maybe it could be. Especially if it's haunted by the faces that it chewed off itself before taking the Hippocratic oath. Of course, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think that's a great, I think that feels like

that's a nice charity that I think, and not for profit, that it could run on the side. You know, and it's a lot of fun, there's a lot of fundraisers and things like that. A clinic work. Yeah, it's sort of, chip faceball legs. Yes. And, you know, because it's also trying to help, you know,

improve the image of chips in both medicine and the community. The met because I think believe it or not, not that many people are super excited when they find out that their surgeon Is a chimp Yeah You know what I think figure out is that I reckon if a chimp was operating on your heart I reckon when When it got your chest cavity open it wouldn't be able to help itself to just

put its finger in one of the valves. Put its finger in. Just try it out. It just feels like it's sort of curious, chimp would do. Look, I don't think this is just a chimp situation. I guess, yeah, have you seen chimp in the wild who poke a little stick down a hole to get bugs out? Yeah, probably do a chimps in the wild who poke a little stick down a hole to get bugs out? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And probably do a little bit of that. Yeah, well that's, but I think, I imagine that them going in from, you know, that vein in your leg with that big long wire with the stint on it. Yeah. And they go all the way up to your heart

and they place the stint. And that's like, and they go, we got it. And he's like, great work doctor and he pulls out the stick and then he goes, I need some just taste this. This is the tip. Hey, it's a bit. You can't argue with the results, though. It's a bit.

It's an orthodox. An orthodox, but you can't work with those results. Hasn't lost a patient yet. Yeah. I think I would struggle. I find it really pretty good, pretty unoffputting. I'm cutting somebody's chest open and severing the valve or whatever that you're talking about. But I think even I in that situation would be really tempted to just poke a little finger in there.

Yeah. Just a little gloved finger and just see what it was like. Mm-hmm. I imagine air whistling out. I know air doesn't go through the heart. But yeah, do we have? I've imagined it is sort of a satisfaction of like, you know, making a little feeling the air whistling

over the air ofistling over the, over your finger there. Is our valve like that pig valve? I think I'm not sure if I know what the heart valve looks like, or whether I just know the heart, the pig heart valve, where it's like three flaps. Yeah, I think the heart valve might have three flaps. It's a three flap, please. I think it's the, I think it's the tri-flap. Tri-flap system. They kind of just overlap like three semi-circles and then they kind of push forward and then they kind of come back. And it gives a seal, but you wouldn't think, but that's nature.

Nature made that seal. Hmm, that's, it's good. It's good, it's quality. Yeah. How many sketch ideas have we got, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Four. Oh, dear, that's a smacks of desperation. Whenever I ask that question and the answer comes back

and it's less than five, you know, I'm having a tough one. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. No, no, no, no, no. I'm having fun. I'm having fun indeed. Oh, I'm having a terrific time. I mean, a wonderful time. It's just, you know, evenings. Is there something, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, No, I did it for probably a week before I went to the dentist. Oh yeah, because that's right. Did I tell you the results of my dental? It was all fine.

My dental? It was all fine. Yeah, it was all fine. There was nothing to worry about. Yeah. A little bit of stuff stuck in my gum. And that's why you had a little bit of pain. And we're all good.

Now you're fine. Yeah, I'm supposed to go back again for a big clean, but the closer I get to that date, the more I start to think, well, I'm just going to have to pay $200 just to have somebody clean my teeth probably. And if I'm fine, if I'm basically fine, then maybe I don't need to... Well, depends how big the clean is. Just continue. It's going to be a big job. Number like, you know, they're going in there, are they just doing the mouth? They're going in there. Are they just doing the mouth? Or are they going deeper? Well, I mean, how, you know, let's say for 200 bucks, do you think they should wash

your whole body? Yeah. Tell me, do you go to the dentist and you find out it's a full clean. They say we can either do rubber gloves or bare hands what do you prefer. Look, yeah, I mean, if their hands are clean and I assume they are, I don't really have a problem with them getting in there with the bare hands. You don't. And you know, I have a problem with this is my problem. Another human touching your gen equally with their bare hands gosh, that's so What's my genitals my genitals come into this well, it's a full clean. This is this is your full clean scenario

Yeah, okay, it's a big clean Go for the big clean as I'm telling you though But what did you don't think I was referring to a full body clean? I still thought we were talking about the mouth. I was forgotten that everything was on the table. No, no, no, sorry. And I was saying, you go on to the dentist, they tell you it's a full clean, but you're getting the full body clean. Yeah. Right. They say, do you want gloves or no gloves? Yeah. I mean, well, I think what you want is no gloves, but not just because I think you can get a better clean by actually properly feeling what's around.

Mm. You know, and I feel like, you know, there's probably a lot that could be scraped out from with fingernails. And they got so many tools that they're disposals as well to get grime out of any corners where you during a normal shower aren't getting grime out. Yeah. Yeah. There isn't a service for cleaning your body. Is there? I offers that. I want to get some detailing done. Like I would, you would get your car, you know, where they, they do get into the crevices with their special little vacuum cleaner nozzles and their sprays and brushes. A full skin shine. Yeah. It's a really good point. I mean, I imagine the super wealthy probably have access to this in some form.

I know that I heard some tennis players' wife say that she, you know, when she was stuck in quarantine, she's like, oh my God, I'm going to have to wash my own hair. And that idea that I guess some people don't wash their own hair because they just go to the hairdressers. Yeah, I mean, I don't wash their own hair because they just go to the hairdressers. Yeah, I mean, I don't wash my own hair, but that's more of a, you know, I'm a grub. You don't want your hair. Yeah, I do sometimes.

There you go. I leave it too long. I lost it. It's okay. I go to your hair always falls perfectly no matter what. That's right. Um, full body clean, uh, is, uh, is there, is a great idea, Alistair. And I think I'd like it to be one of those,

basically it's exactly the same as a car wash, basically, and you can drive past and you see them doing it in those car wash type places that always seem to have a cabab van attached to them. Right? And there's a lot of people there. I see a lot of seeks working in this industry for some reason. And they're really good at it. And maybe they lay you on a, or maybe you just light out on the bit of the betcha, but they give you a full body clean, spray urine,

foams. I think I like to think that you go there after you've tried the machine at the self-serve and it's just those spinning things, flaps that hit you. And you come out and you got to scratch and things like that and you go, oh, I'm never doing that again. Like that. And then you go the next time you're like, all right, it's time I'm getting the full detail. I wouldn't mind, you know, I'm not a big massage guy, but I

I was pressure washing the veranda today. Yeah. And I think there is a is something appealing about lying face down on the ground and having somebody just pressure wash you. That would be probably the closest I could come to feeling good in a massage type situation. It's very clinical, it's very mechanical. We're using water. Yeah, that's right. And in the way, it's not touching. I think there's, as a sketch,

this could be as simple as just seeing somebody, you're seeing out the window of somebody's car as they drive past a car wash type place. And there's just someone lying down on the ground, naked being pressure washed. Yeah. And then the people tell them to turn over and they turn over full front nudity, then they do the other side.

Exactly. That's how you know that they're not a dead body. I should have communicated that because I mean because you could imagine, you know, somebody was killing people and they were like were like well what's the easiest way to clean the blood off of the body? I suppose so that you know you could put them back in their house and no one will know their dead. This is a very specific thing, Alistair, and you know maybe a bitubby, but I was listening to a podcast for our science quiz recently. And you know how butthole type areas can be a bit more tanned or a bit darker skin than the rest

of the body? Right, well that is because there is more melanin there, and melanin is a sort of an antibacterial pigment. So it has a role in protecting the body from germs, protecting the cells or whatever. From the... Yeah. So, you know, it's probably good to tan your butt hole. So that anal sunning or whatever people were talking about is... Yeah. Yeah, but I've never had, like, I've never had said, all-sounding or whatever people were talking about. Yeah.

Yeah, but I've never had, like, I've never had said, like, but about infection from my own feces. Only from other peoples. Yeah, I don't know. No, well, and that's why. That's why, because if you, you must have a beautiful... A very tender, yes. I do.

Andy, we have five sketch ideas. So that takes us to three words from a listener. Now, I don't know if you know this, Andy, but we have listeners. And sometimes they can send in three words if they've donated to Patreon. And today's listener is Andrew Smurnyotis. Andrew Smurnyotis. I couldn't be happier to hear from you.

No, I don't know if I just picked this because it has my kid's name in it. Otis. And it could be my kid Otis just pretending to be another person, but why they would donate to my Patreon, I don't know. Well, maybe I took pity on you. My kids do think I'm pathetic. So, would you like to guess what the three words are? Rehipnol? No, no, nobody.

But the first word does have an ending to it, and yours did have an ending. So, it's got that in common. No, the first word is actually veggie mite. Well, well, well. Well, well, well. We very rarely mention veggie mite. We had a long veggie mite check. Very rarely.

Clostrophob. No, it's unite. Vegie mite, unite. Bees. No, but you did. There was two ease in there. Vigimite Unite. Bees. No, no, but you did. There was, there is two E's in there. And an S.

Oh. But the word is despite. Vigimite Unite Dispute. Yeah. Yeah, right. Well, you had a bit of a Vigimy unite despite a scenario in your peanut butter lid Yeah Yeah, I

So there obviously all words that end inite right that's the unifying feature of these three Vigimy unite despite mean, it's just, it's so unpleasant having so few cultural things that we can all feel okay about, right? Yeah. In this country. You know what I've, you know what I want you to hold that idea? I just want to have to say this. It's a Keena and Ike corner. Ike and Tina. No, no, Ike. Ike? No, I know.

I'm just trying to find in my mind what you've done. Keena, corner. Ike and Keena, corner. And just swap the case and the teas. So then we get that Ike. Fegem 8th. June, on, height. Yep, that's good. Alright, see?

Yeah. I mean, you tell us your idea. The fact that there hasn't been a movie, and we've got nothing else here. The fact that there hasn't been a movie made about the origin story of Veggie Might, at least a tele movie, right? In Australia. I don't know what's going on there, but it's more or less all we've got in terms of cultural touchstones. Yeah. Yeah, and yeah, I like that. I think we do you think we could we could get this do you think we could get disavowed by the people of veggie might and that they say it's an unauthorized the unauthorized

story. We even know someone who's a descendant of the veggie might empire. Do we believe isn't one of the hosts of a little dumb dumb club? Tommy Dastino I believe Tommy is the grandchild of the person who came up with Vegemite possibly. That's remarkable. And so I'm saying I guess but I'm getting I guess I was just suggesting that we would, you know, even exclude anybody like not to a proper research or or do really good research or do a medium amount of research. That sounds like something we would do. But obviously we'd have to take creative license with it as well. Yeah, well there's the love story. There have to be a love story, there have to be a villain.

Two people. And the pet of sex and the vet. No, yes. But then also at the bad. Riding around. You know, but also maybe like the bad guy at the end is killed by dropping them in the that. Sure. You know, maybe, you know, I imagine we can have one that scenario, but we can have,

you know, maybe this is the same bat they had sex in earlier. That's the one we had sex in. Daddy, the bad guy falls in and then that's how they get the taste and that's the same for you to this day. One you got a you got a you got a fuck the love of your life in a fad of edgy mud and then later on you're pushing your greatest nemesis and there's a little bit of that in every in every jar. I You can really taste it. It puts a rosin, every cheek. Including the posterior. And I did say every cheek.

Every cheek. It suggests, does that suggest that it gives you the runs or something? Not that that makes your butt blush or anything like that. Rosey red butt, maybe some kind of rash, I suppose. Or it makes you horny like a macaque. I think, yeah, you know, the, the, the, the history of Australia is big, you know, that that brown taste that we all know. And what would be so good is, um, you know, when celebrities do come over here,

we do make them taste fed you might, but there'd be, there'd be so many celebrities involved in this, this movie. We could just call it, you know, like Shoei's brown spread. We don't have to, you know, we don't have to name it, but we know we don't even mention it. We don't even mention the day. Oh, we last scene of the film, somebody suggests that. What about Veggie Mart? Shh. That's what the film's about.

I had no idea what you're going to think. Which of the famous brown Australian spread? Thank you very much, Mr Veggie Mart. Really good. Let's, I tell you what, we do no research, Alistair, and we just go ahead and we write this. Yeah, I think that's a great idea. I don't need to know anything more. We've got enough beats for it so far that we can probably lay out a skeleton Which is another thing that could happen after we get that guy's body out of the vent

Sure We go we'll take this straight to the A.F.O It's the the brown spread just you know dissolves his whole body Yeah holds this whole body. Yeah. Correct. Well, let me take us through the sketch ideas for today. We got the suitcase, which is a super villain who's, you know, who's created an attempt to create a human that could retract their arms and legs and head

and take the shape of a suitcase for easier air travel. Well, actually, I think they're just trying to retract their arms and legs so they had more space on a plane, but then this person ended up turning into a suitcase. And is it a supervillain who other supervillains uses a weapon? They hit people with the suitcase and they throw it and they whistle and stuff like that and then the suitcase whistles back. I mean, in some way, in some way. Over here, I'm over here. In some ways, in some ways this is the worst idea we've ever had on the podcast. You know, like all the superheroes.

The shittiest thing we've ever seen. With their shields and their hammers and stuff like that and they they whistle and stuff like that or whatever They do something and and their weapon just calls to them Where is this one you go like that and it goes? What that That I think it'd be fun seeing it when it's legs of pop back out But it's hands haven't popped it when it's legs of pop back out, but it's arms haven't popped down. And it's running along, running back.

It's arms slowly coming out like that. Or I see, you know, as it starts running with just tiny little feet and then as it all grows longer, it runs along and jumps back into your arms. That's great, yeah. And then mid air, it rees, you know, sinks back in, sinks back in, lands, it's

handled right on your fingers, hurting your fingers. Then we got the walkin wardrobe, which is, uh, where's the no G, you know, with no G, the walkin wardrobe, and it's just a war, it's a wardrobe, but that comes out in parades past you. It's a bunch of people in there wearing all your clothes, keeping them crisp. I mean, if Saddam Hussein didn't do this with his lookalikes, with his body doubles, he's crazy. Yeah.

Yeah. You got them anyway. They're all just sitting around. They're on the clock. I wonder if he ever kissed any of them. Just to see what it would be like, you know. Who are they gonna tell? Who are they gonna tell? I think that's a really, actually a really beautiful love story.

Somebody, yeah, oh, that's fun. Yeah, somebody falls in love with their that's fun yeah somebody falls in love with their it's a dictator falls in love with their their body double just went through a divorce well they had they had their they had their wife assassinated or whatever yeah yeah sure yeah um it gets fun so fun indeed um then we got the microwave the wife assassination the microwave water kettle yes yeah that's it's not just a kettle though it's an entire it is It is a microwave. It's an entire... It's a microwave. Invasions scheme. You could do, yeah, absolutely.

Obviously, it's just the microwave, water catalyst, just the wedge through which you use to pry open the political power of the United Kingdom. Sure. Then you've got sort of chimp doctor, young chimp doctor or old chimp doctor, whichever one. One was just a brilliant young chimp and the other one was a chimp that was brought on because of their ability to quickly pull an arm off. Then we've got the full body clean service and then we've got the gritty history of Australia's brown spread.

There we go. Blom, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Thank you so much for listening to The Thing Tank. You know what, we got there. We got there. And we had fun doing it. Yeah, I reckon it's top. It's one of the top 300 episodes. There you go.

Speaking of, speaking of, the 300th episode is going to occur, but not immediately. We're still waiting for restrictions to believe it or not, the 300th episode is not considered essential business for the purposes of breaching the coronavirus lockdown here in Victoria. And so Anastair and I won't be able to be in the same room to go mad and try and kill each other, which is what everybody expects from the 300th episode of Two in the Think Tank. And so it has been postponed indefinitely until such a time as we can make that reunion

happen. So we'll go straight to episode 301. We'll come back around to it. Don't you worry. Yeah. Do you think we should do that way back? On the way so we should go through a one. I was like, what wasn't sure if we should do like two on two 99. Don't you worry. Yeah, do you think we should do the way back on the way so we should go through a one I was that wasn't sure if we should do like two on two ninety nine point one two

ninety nine point two. But that doesn't make sense. Well, I guess that would still keep the sort of the chronological nature of the listing valid. Yeah. But yeah, I think let's let's skip it and we'll come back to it. All right. And it'll it and we'll come back to it all right and It'll it'll it'll happen in due time. Yeah, sorry. We didn't tell you at the beginning of the episode Yeah, but anyway people understand we're on Twitter. We're on Instagram. You can Review us on all the things you can join our patreon if you like you can get in the discord. Can you believe it? We're on so many things now. We are very online

Although we're sad right now because of the lockdown so we're not as active as we could be Take care of yourselves and each other and we and we love you You thank you, Alastair. Great job. You too. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession resistant career and a rewarding field with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including

the GI Bill. Now is the time. Mycomputercareer.edu Now is the time! Mycomputercareer.edu