Two In The Think Tank - 30 - "When U2 was a part of Microsoft"

Episode Date: December 15, 2013

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Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Yes, hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we try and come up with five sketch ideas.

Alistair, just coming in on the chopper now, just about to land here. Oh, no, no, he's put his hand up and he's lost all his fingers in the blade. That's okay. I have a touch screen. I just get used to touching the screen with a specific area of my stump. I love somebody who's so positive that they can instantly overcome any setback. That's okay.

Even as his fingers are being chopped off in the blades of their helicopter. It's okay, everybody. I've got a touch screen. That's okay. It'll be fine. I don't use a traditional keyboard, so that's fine.

I have the Xbox gesture control. It'll be all right. don't use a traditional keyboard, so that's fine. I have the Xbox gesture control. It'll be all right. Guys, don't worry. Xbox has invented the thing. What's that called? That thing. Dragon text to speak. For years.

It's calibrated to my voice. Okay, that's a sketch. Yeah. Right? Somebody who instantly overcomes obstacles. It's just so sketch. Yeah. Right? Somebody who instantly overcomes obstacles. Just so positive. Man. Well, maybe just a...

Yeah, it's definitely a character. Instantly. A picture maybe... It's possibly someone arriving on the battlefields of France, on the shores of France, a landing. Like, very Saving Private Ryan opening here. Getting shot at by guns. of France, on the shores of France, a landing, like very saving Private Ryan opening here, getting shot at by guns,

and just everything that goes wrong, they're just instantly, oh, it's fine. But when have you ever been so alive? You know, just sitting behind a big metal thing. It was great that they put those big metal things

What are you talking about? Like, to block the bullets from hitting them. Oh. Okay. What are you talking about? I, to block the bullets from hitting them. Oh. Okay. What are you talking about? I thought I was talking about the same thing as you. Yeah, but the sitting behind a big metal thing, I was picturing a filing cabinet.

Were those things filing cabinets? Andy, you have to keep on track of what you're talking about in order to know what I'm talking about. I don't pay attention to myself. I tune out a lot in the middle of my sentences and just snap back into it at the end. Oh, you know, I also tune out.

What are you talking about, tuning out? Why are you bringing this up, tuning out? Oh, this is weird. Yeah, there you go. That's one sketch. All right, this could be a two in the think tank shorts for all we know. Yeah, we don't know.

You know, it's possible that when they start weaving trousers at the top, they don't even know if it's going to be shorts. I picture this is how they make trousers. They just start weaving from the very top, and they just weave their way down, and they can stop at any minute. Yeah, I guess it seems like it would be more difficult to start at the bottom of the legs

because you have to start at two separate points there. Stop it there. Okay, guys, I'd just like to make it clear. Obviously, we know that they start by making the material first, and then they cut out the pattern, and then they sew the pieces together. But for the purposes of this discussion, we're picturing the looming looming pads thread by thread from the from the cuffs up like a 3d printer yeah yeah it's like when they were trying to dig the channel tunnel uh from france to england and they started at each end and then

they met up in the middle okay yeah it's that? Yeah. It's like that, but with trousers. Yeah. Start from the bottom of each leg separately. And then they just hope to Christ that they meet up in the crotch. In the crotch. Yeah. And then occasionally, someone will get, because it's two different people as well. One Frenchman and one Englishman weaving each leg. And then sometimes they get to the crotch, and one guy's like two centimeters off,

and they have to throw the pants away. And that only hurts French-English relations even again worse. I have to bring this up now, Andy, because you had this worry just then that that that people listening to the podcast were they thought oh you guys you guys got it all wrong you think that they just loom the pants like that right we have to just start again a new podcast okay we start sometimes we start and then we just go we have to start again because andy made an analogy where he said something about a superconductor and he's like we have to stop i can't be the guy who who brings up superconductors i can't be that guy

and i don't want people to think of me as that guy and that that was the strangest most obscure paranoid insecurity i've ever heard that I almost want to create a Discovery Channel reality show. Yeah, yeah, okay. Off the bat. Weird insecurities. My strange insecurities. I don't want people to think that I'm the kind of guy

who does superconductor analogies. How does this affect your life? Oh, it really doesn't. Not at all. Not even slightly. Well, it did once. I'm the kind of guy who does superconductor analogies. How does this affect your life? Oh, it really doesn't. Not at all. Not even slightly. Well, it did once. When I was young, my mom took me to my aunt's house, and she said, what is this like?

And I said, it's a bit like, you know how if you cool a metal down to absolute zero, and there's no resistance anymore for the electrons to pass through a metal down to absolute zero and there's no resistance anymore for the electrons to pass through a metal? I guess I've been trying to overcome that ever since. And my aunt laughed at me. She said, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about since then. Yeah, no, that's

quite good. Especially when they overcome their insecurity at the end and their life is exactly the same. Can I write that down? Yeah. Yeah. Weird insecurities on the Discovery Channel. It's like, it's embarrassing bodies.

It's like hoarders. It's, what's that, eating things? People who, like, eataholics? You know that thing where people, like, eat really weird specific stuff lady who eats only eats chips or something yeah there's like no cheese on chips and there's another one who just eats drywall i don't think that person just ate drywall did they yeah maybe not but i don't think they were on exclusively drywall diet that's true but she was eating her

house slowly and she would also go to the store and like sample different drywalls. That's true. But she was eating her house slowly and she would also go to the store and like sample different drywalls and see which ones. Really? Yeah, she'd go like to Bunnings or whatever and just try it and then she'd be like, nah, it's not really the one I'm after. And she'd go, yes, this is the one. Like specific flavors of, oh my God, that's so amazing. That's so amazing. of oh my god that's so amazing that's so amazing that's not just amazing that is so amazing well i mean someone i mean i'm used to being amazed yeah but that is so amazing oh in this day and age with the internet and everything that you could spend your whole life your you know your whole day being amazed but only occasionally is something going to cross that amazement threshold into being so amazing and it's pretty much impossible to predict what it's going to cross that amazement threshold into being so amazing.

And it's pretty much impossible to predict what it's going to be. Because if I had told you you're going to be super amazed by a lady eating drywall, you would have laughed in my face. And then I would have got a weird insecurity about it, and then I would have made it onto this reality show. On the internet, there's a lot of stuff that's like, and I'm weirdly vulnerable to this kind of headline, right? Yeah.

Like, the 13 most important dog GIFs on the internet, right? Something like that. Just something about the most important, I find, and I realize they're doing it as a joke, and it's an obvious joke, it's an internet joke, but that particular joke really gets to me. The most important. I find that really really funny has anybody done a list of the 30 least important dog gifts on the internet not yet like what is it like a that it would it would just be a dog just walking across the screen i presume it doesn't make eye contact sitting there completely not staring into the camera.

Yeah, because he can't even give you a sad look or something like that because that would make it important. There's got to be nothing of note about these dog gifs. I think there should be like a bunch of them where it's just, you know, somebody filming a dog from behind and he kind of walks into somewhere and then that's it. Because, you know, if you don't get to get any kind of eye contact. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Eye contact is important with a dog. It is. I feel. I feel like, yeah. Just playing with a pen, guys. Yeah. The ink has gone all over my fingers. Yeah.

Yes. Guys, this couldn't be going better in terms of like ink and sound. What the fuck was that? I have no idea, Alistair. What were those words supposed to... I don't know. This couldn't be going better in terms of ink and sound. Yeah.

It's really driven the whole podcast to a halt. All right, guys, we're going to have a moment's silence to reflect on Al's consciousness, which just died. Al's ability to communicate passed away a few moments ago. No, we can't do that. That was very good. Thanks. When you listen to the last post, there's a bit at the end, right,

where it goes... Right? Yeah. But like that... Yeah. But like that... Yeah. Like, I feel like every time I heard the last post growing up, that bit was always like really weird, like that transition. They always struggled with that transition between those two notes.

And I thought that that was part of the song. Like the trumpeter is getting so sad that he can't even play the notes properly yeah like is it is that is there any chance that that's correct well so it either means that he's overcome by emotion he can't trumpet properly or maybe they've built that into the into the song yeah well i was wondering like like you know like a like a stand-up like i have bits and that are like oh i feel like i've forgotten this thing or i can't think of this thing all built into my set yeah so they've got this like all right now here you have to sort of crack like like you've like you're breaking up with emotion

yeah at this bit because you're near the end of the song and if you're not overtaken by emotion you know it's like like it's like if you you how you feel guilty at a funeral if you're not overtaken by emotion, you know, it's like how you feel guilty at a funeral if you haven't cried. Yeah. Same thing. Look, millions of people have died here and you're remembering it and you should be crying. Yeah. But you're playing the trumpet, so you can't cry.

Yeah. But you can play the trumpet badly. Yeah. Just that little, just like in one note transition. No, I'm interested, and if you do have the answer for me, please write into the show. Well, maybe we should hear Miles Davis play it. If we could hear Miles Davis play it, and then we'll go, well, now we know for sure. Now we know. Now we know. Who's a good Australian trumpet player?

Oh, James Morrison. James Morrison. Is that his name? I think so. From the who? No, you mean from the doors? No, from the who. From the who? Yeah, I think James Morrison is a good Australian trumpet player. But he's a writer and a trumpet player? Does he have... what?

Isn't he a writer as well? For the who? Yeah. He writes for the who. Maybe I'm thinking of somebody else. I don't know. Clive James I'm thinking of. Clive!

Oh no, I was thinking of Clive James. Is he a writer? Yes, he is, for the Who. It's great that they've got their own writer. Yeah. But that'd be a weird thing to be, with both a trumpeter and a writer, right? Yeah, probably.

They are very separate skills. Let's not pretend that there's much crossover between trumpeting and the written word. Yeah, because music is like expression without words. That's the whole point of it, is that you're expressing yourself. Things that you couldn't possibly express with words. Trumpeting is like expression without music, because I've got no idea what those guys are doing. Especially that bit in the last post. It's just built into motion.

But the idea of a band having a writer, it's quite funny. Because what would they write? I picture in my mind they're writing maintenance manuals for like 1980s Toyota Corollas. Really? Yeah. A picture that, say, what's a good band? Deep Purple? Yeah, sure. Maybe has a staff writer, and they're doing a series of manuals.

So is it going to be part of their box set later on? But also, how did that come about? Was it that they were driving a 1980s Toyota Corolla? Yeah, quite possibly. It just turned out to be part of their portfolio. Just one of the things we do. A lot of companies do a lot of diverse stuff. Why can't bands branch out? That's all I'm saying. Sure. Deep Purple was the Yamaha of bands. Thank you. We're bringing the Yamaha back into it.

Yeah, well you gotta not take the Yamaha out of it. In the first place. If you can't take the Yamaha out of the Deep Purple, but you can take Deep Purple out of Yamaha. Which they broke off from Yamaha. Do you think Deep Purple was a

subsidiary of Yamaha. Do you think Deep Purple was a subsidiary of Yamaha? Yeah. And they went into music and then at some point they... And then they span off the Deep Purple arm of the Yamaha Corporation. Yeah, they sort of butted off like a new universe, you know. Okay. This is a funny sort of world where... Because that's a thing that companies do, right? Companies split up, companies separate, and they have sections of the company that go off, and then they have mergers and stuff like that.

That's a weird world of these sort of amorphous entities deciding to separate. They think it'll be better if we're apart, and then sometimes they decide it'll be better if they're together a really uh interesting world it's yeah it's it's weird that you never really see the corporate structure as a blob because that's kind of what they are yeah they're just kind of like you know they're like two bubbles of oil they're just kind of like that and then occasionally you shake it and then it just kind of goes through and it breaks into five little bubbles like that yeah but for some reason look i'm kind of stuck on this idea i like the idea that like you too used to be a part of microsoft

yeah like that's why they're so big yeah yeah yeah that's great yeah so um but i don't know what that means and then but i don't know it that means. And then, but I don't know, it could just be... Okay, so yeah, I think this is a music documentary. Yeah. Okay, and they're talking behind the music kind of thing. And they're talking about when, yeah, when you two separated off from Microsoft. Because they kind of were big around the same time. Yeah.

And Bono definitely has a very, like, Steve Jobs-y, Bill Gates-y kind of presence in the world. Like, he's that guy. Yeah. But the idea that, like, when Microsoft started out, it was sort of both a band and a computer company, and then they decided that those two things didn't really work together.

Yeah, but it wasn't until, like, you know... And also the name U2, it feels like it could be the name of a computer corporation, right? Absolutely. Like, it's so impersonal. It was a programming language, and then eventually they just went, look, we're just about the music.

And he's like, I'm just about the programming. Like that. And then Windows 97 came out, or 95. Was that windows 97 came out or 95 was that the first one yeah was that the first one uh like the first windows yeah i have no idea i don't think 95 can have been the first windows because i think they probably would have just called it windows when it came out. Yeah, you know what? Otherwise, people would have been like, Windows 95? Well, I haven't seen Windows through 1 through 94. I don't know if I'll understand the plot. Yeah, that's true.

People would have been confused. Yeah, and that's probably why Bono left, you know? Yeah, and I think I have the same problem with U2. I can't get into their music because I haven't heard U1. Yeah, or U. Or U. Or U0. Or U-1.

Yeah, U2.1. I haven't... You see, that's my problem with U2, is that I haven't heard U-infinity to U1. Okay. Yes, there's definitely a sketch in the origins of u2 back when they used to be a division of microsoft yeah yeah um okay and we can talk about who was the other guy who started microsoft because it was bill gates and there was another guy right not this the steve not The Steve Wozniak of Microsoft. I don't know who that guy is.

Okay. We'll find out who that was. I mean, maybe... Yeah, okay. And then it'll be... I was going to say maybe it could be Apple, but for some reason Apple isn't as funny as Microsoft, so let's go with Microsoft.

Yeah. And it'll be like there was Bill Gates who was in charge of the marketing, there was Bobby Jones who was in charge of the marketing. There was Bobby Jones who was in charge of the programming development. And then there was Bono who was in charge of the music. As the company developed, obvious rifts began to form within the group. Initially, Bobby Jones was aligned with Bono and they were considering separating off

and leaving Bill Gates alone with the marketing. But it was the sign of this, ultimately that wasn't a good division, just having software and music. That's right. Yeah, and what some of those things that Bill Gates said, That's right. Yeah, and what's some of those things that Bill Gates said that, you know, it was because Bill Gates said that 527 kilobytes would be enough for any household,

but then Bono, of course, realised that you wouldn't be able to fit a whole album in there. And that's when their differences began. At one point, Bill Gates actually came out and said there would never be a reason for someone to have a U2 album in their house. This was probably where the division started to form. Probably where the division started to form. To this day, Bono has maintained an interest in computers. Something, something.

Something, something. Something, something. The end. We'll work out the details later. Well, I mean, that is sort of the unsaid, what remains unsaid in this podcast is, we'll work out the details later. Oh, yeah. Of course. Yeah. Sorry. That's true. That's basically, you could say that 30 times an episode. We'll work out the details later. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, I just went all lightheaded. Did you?

Mm-hmm. What do you think it is? Probably the two coffees I had this morning. Yeah, that's true. The two really strong coffees. Oh, yeah. They're strong. But I think those were like extra strong today.

Yeah, no, that guy. That particular barista guy makes them super strong. Yeah. Wow, yeah, because I was looking into the cup and I was like, oh, this is dark. There's a darkness to it. Like this is a brown coffee. Oh, yeah. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, because I was looking into the cup and I was like, oh, this is dark. There's a darkness to it. Like, this is a brown coffee. Oh, yeah. Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Normally you would imagine like a sort of a light, you know, a bit darker than beige. Yeah, like a tan. A tan, yeah. A tan coffee. More like tan pants. But this was a brown coffee. Yeah.

And, yeah, I've got a lot of brown in me right now. Yeah, you're full of brown. I've got the brown shakes. Maybe also while you talk about U2 and Microsoft, you don't breathe that much because they're so great that they take your breath away.

Take my breath away. Which is a great U2 track. Is it? Of course, yeah. No, it's not. It's not, is it? Are you joking? Yes, I'm joking.

Great. That's my form of joke is that I just say things that are inaccurate. That's a great form of joke. I've realized it's one of the biggest forms at the moment, I think. Yeah. Saying things that are inaccurate. It's just, you know, because it's partially trolling and it's also just, it's, but it's also just it's but it's also just like it's just a click where

you say something confidently and then but inaccurately and I think it's that I think right it's like you're saying something confident and accurate and then it's like

but it's also it's a celebration of how intelligent and how knowledgeable we all are ultimately yes okay good unless of course

nobody picks you up on the fact that You were wrong In which case It's a celebration Of how we're all Just fucking sheep Eh Well

Well I'm not fucking sheep But you know what I mean We're all fucking sheep It's a celebration It's a celebration Yeah Hurrah Yeah

Which is so Such a weird way To celebrate that Sorry Yeah no sorry I was going to do Some weird thing about you too. You too?

Because you is a kind of sheep. I'm fucking sheep. You too? But that doesn't go anywhere. But speaking of joking, the Liberal Party has just come out and said, because before the election they said they were going to match the Gonski funding reforms for schools that Labor was offering, right?

Yeah. So they really neutralized that as an electoral issue. And now they've come out and said that they're not going to do that. Yeah. Right? Could they say that they were joking? Absolutely. We were joking, guys.

It was a joke. But, yeah. No, that wasn't an electoral promise. That was an electoral joke. It was a piece of electoral humor. Electoral comedy. It was a joke. But, yeah. No, that wasn't an electoral promise. That was an electoral joke. It was a piece of electoral humour. Electoral comedy. It was satire. I was doing a political comedy.

It was a bit. Get it? As if you would have believed us. Yeah, that's really weird. Yeah, well, I mean, that's a way of getting, you know, sort of... You've just got to elevate yourself above the electorate by making them feel bad for believing one of your promises. You go, as if you'd be dumb enough to believe that. As if we would do that, that was a joke.

Yeah, and then everyone will be too awkward to say, like, oh, yeah, no, I got it. Because everyone hates to not get the joke. Yeah. Everybody wants to feel like they got it. Yeah. But it's so annoying that they can say that we have to do this because of an electoral promise. Right. But then they can also say, well, we don't have to do that, even though it was an electoral promise.

Yeah. Yeah. It's just like, what is the point of anything? What is it anyway? The whole thing is sickening to me. Actually, look, I've come up with a thing the other day where I reckon if you, at any point right now, if you just Google Abbott and check the news, the headlines, like go to Google News.

Right. Do you actually want me to do that? I don't have my phone. I'm doing it right now. Okay. So this is for the listener. Yes. And like,

if you just Google Abbott and then go to the news and you just read the headlines, it's just filled with loads of awful shit that's happening. Right. Okay.

Tony Abbott proposes security roundtable in bid to heal rift with indonesia awful yeah uh no but i mean like you know he's got a rift with indonesia yeah uh tony abbott urged to overrule christopher pine on on gonski switch because they're that's them backing out of a promise abbott playing with diplomatic fire in Asia. Good. Tony Abbott gets a shock as his leadership is found to... Waiting for the thing to load.

I was hoping something really awful. To be a big pile of shit. His leadership is found to be... Oh, Tony Abbott gets a shock as his leadership is found wanting well that would be the worst thing yeah wanting you know if you had a leadership and then it was and it was found and it was to be wanting i wonder what it was wanting well probably

a different leader anyway that bit wasn't that great yeah no but that's fine um but yeah uh Anyway, that bit wasn't that great. Yeah, no, but that's fine. But yeah, all that stuff. I know, it's hard to deal with, like, just... Because it does feel like a lot of horrible things are happening with that. But I think this is the thing. Like, I think policies... Like, I used to think policies were really important for politics.

But I'm starting to feel like maybe in the electoral cycle, policies don't mean that much. And maybe people who are really onto politics are like, well, duh. Or they're like, no, what are you talking about? As in, I could be wrong. You could be wrong in two different ways. Yes. Yeah. but like because they can always get in

and then say well we've now found out that things are different than we thought or now we've got extra information or the previous party has left us such a bad situation that we can't do what we said we were going to do that seems to be a thing that can always be said

it's more important than ever that parties have like an ideological point of view right because they can't get in and say oh well it turns out our ideology was wrong yeah okay because then they're not a party anymore it i think like it should be more on a set of principles, like your electoral campaign should be about principles. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe I don't even agree with that. No, but look, I think all it is is that they're like, look, we're going to get in and we're going to do whatever we want to do anyway.

All right? It doesn't matter what it took for us to get in. Yeah. We just needed to get in so that we could do whatever we wanted to do. Yeah. And then once we're in, we'll just say whatever we have to say in order to get what we want that is this is our policy yeah we will do whatever we need to do to get in and once we're in we'll do whatever we want to do yeah and we'll say whatever we need to say yeah and justify it yeah well that's pretty

much it like like that's all it is yeah Like, that's all it is. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway, that's horrible. Yeah, we're a political think tank now. Yeah, we're deep into the politics now. Yeah, we're going to brainstorm things that are wrong with politics. I mean, like, are there think tanks like this that don't really know that much about politics? But they're doing all the thinking for it? Quite possibly.

What does it take to become a political think tank? Do you have to have a degree in politics? No, I don't think you need any qualifications at all. Yeah. Well, that's great. Yeah, it is good. But, I mean, I have a qualification, so hopefully that won't work against me. Yeah.

Oh, damn. But a lot of think tanks as well are all about coming up with political solutions. Is it funnier to have a think tank that's coming up with political problems? In fact, actually, a lot of them probably already do that, don't they? Do you think so? I don't know. Well, I'm glad you backed out of it before you even got into it. No, but what do you mean?

Like, sort of like the way that people were trying to find the Monica Lewinsky thing and, you know, and they brought that up. Yeah. Like, I mean, I guess there are muckraking people who try and find flaws in the personality or the history of politicians. Yeah. But like, I don't know, like a group who are trying to come up with problems. Right? We're not trying to come up with solutions. We're just trying to find problems.

But like how to create problems or how to find problems that they're not aware of? Yeah, like problems that we didn't even know this was a problem, okay, until the think tank came along and said, look, maybe he wears too many hats. Yeah. You know? And then we can be like, oh, okay, that's interesting. We'll put that out there.

Yeah, and what about like, you know, oh, do you know how many staples the government is using? I've got no idea. Yeah, well. Maybe it's too many. It's too many. Yeah. It's an outrageous amount.

Great. Yeah. Well, let's get some outrage going. Well, what about the staples? And then, like, you know, because, like, you know, the way Abbott could just go, well, what about the pink bats? Yeah. Like that.

Which felt like nothing. But, I don't know, maybe it was something. I don't know. But then you go, well, what about the staples? And they go, oh, yeah, well, that's true. You know, like, I remember one time an old lady once said to me that that the reason she uh she was not going to vote labor anymore was because she found out that uh in the public servant buildings they had really good coffee machines and she was like well we don't get to drink coffee that good and so clearly this

government is mismanaging the public service and therefore like it's just i'm like what the this cannot be what your thinking is that yeah yeah like even under the liberals they're going to be drinking great coffee no but like i'm sure that's a thing that like it's it's there are so many big issues and there are so many things that are hard to understand right but coffee is a thing that anyone can understand. And them drinking better coffee than you, that's a really clear distinction. And then you're like, well, that's unacceptable.

Well, I am sorry, and you have lost my vote. Yeah, this is an issue I understand, and I am clearly and objectively being hard done by, in that the government is not dealing with my coffee.

I'm voting with my taste buds. Yeah. Well, what's something that the common man can understand that we can find as a problem that the Abbott government is doing wrong? Because, I mean, look, a lot of things, anything that's too complicated, people won't listen to. Yeah. All right? Because you tune out.

And I think there's also a thing there where, like, things that you repeat that you hear over and over is called, like, there's the illusion of truth. So if you hear something over and over again, you're more likely to believe it to be true. Yeah. But then also if something is too complicated, you're going to feel like it's not real. It's not true as well. Okay. So what if we came up with a thing like we got some statistics about what kind of pets do the Labor Party have?

Yeah. And then we researched that. It's winter and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those. Moose? No.

But moose head? Yes. Because that's alcohol, and we deliver that too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. And we found out that like 96% of the Labor Party has dogs instead of cats.

Oh, no, sorry. We're turning the podcast into a dog and cat podcast. We would never do that. I listened to like the last three podcasts and it turned out there was always a thing in there where we were like, where we're confusing dogs with people or people with dogs. I was like, oh, we can't keep doing this. Imagine if that dog was a person. Imagine if that person was a dog.

Which is fine. Yeah. That's a great kind of comedy it's not the worst kind but uh it was becoming a dominant form of comedy in our podcast so i'm gonna try and avoid it yeah it would be horrible if we change the lyrics to a song oh yeah and put cats and dogs in there instead sort of like it's raining cats and dogs. Hallelujah. You see it like that? You're right.

That was horrible. Yeah, absolutely. But it mixed the two bad parts of comedy. Oh, no, we weren't necessarily saying it was bad. Anyway, let's move on. You were talking about... Yeah, okay. So I like this.

Political problems that we didn't know were political problems. Can we just write that down as a sketch concept? Sure, sketch concept. Like a think tank that only comes up with problems. We're not about solutions. Maybe even some people in the think tank come up with solutions. They say, look, that's really not our business.

You take that, stop giving me solutions and start giving me problems. I do like that. That's a nice thing for somebody to yell out. Something you said about that's not my business. Sometimes I feel that kind of thing when I'm working at the bottle shop. And people kind of get you to... Customers kind of go like, yeah, can you put that in a box or can you do that and things like that. And I feel like sometimes people are reaching the limits of what I'm supposed to do for them.

Like, is it because they're in a store and I'm working in that store that anything they ask me to do, I have to do? Yeah. Like, sometimes it does kind of feel like that. Like, within the bounds of this store, I am their slave. Yeah. The customer is always right. Yeah. And you have to do whatever they want to make them happy.

Like that's an awful consequence of the consumer world. Yeah. And the primacy of the consumer. And, but that's one of the fun, the best things is like people going like, oh yeah, can you wrap that up for, you know, for travel? And I go, no, no, that's not, we don't do that here. And that's the most satisfying thing. It's just like, yeah, I'm not going to do, oh, do you guys gift, like, like, can you gift wrap that? No, I can't. Like, you know what? They didn't even make that available for for you yeah and you don't know how much joy i have like like that's the closest thing

to telling somebody to fuck off i can do yeah and oh that's great it's it would be almost worth having a little sign on the counter that says, ask me about gift wrapping. Yeah. Oh, do you gift wrap? No. But thanks for asking. Thank you.

I'm going to have a really great day now. Wow. I mean, I don't get paid much, but ever since they put that sign in, my job satisfaction has just gone. Yeah. And I feel like there's a point where we've, we've reached where the customer is now expects too much. Yeah.

And like, you know, like, like, like we've, we've, we've told customers, look, you know, like, like, like you, you're always right. You, you, you know, like, you're always right. You, you know, vote with your dollar. Yeah. And all this kind of thing. And then so now people, they go into stores and they just expect everything. Yeah. Right?

And I don't know what to do. I don't think that's just stores, man. Yeah. I think that's just life. Yeah. I think people just go into the world and just expect everything. Yeah? Do you think we're walking around like spoiled little brats?

This is something that only kings and queens used to feel. Yeah. We're modern day kings and queens. What are you writing down there? Oh, sorry. I was just writing a note for something that I could bring up later on in the podcast. Oh, yeah. That's great.

But maybe I could bring it up now. What do you think? What is it? Okay. Can we do something with this? Right? Yeah. In massages.

Okay. Good. It's a massive change of topic, which is why I was writing it down to bring it up later on. I realize I've never written anything down to bring it up later on in the podcast. That's why I didn't deal with it very well. What is this?

What are you writing down? It's chaos. Are you keeping something from me? There's only two of us here. Keeping secrets with yourself. Yeah. Like I'm being excluded from some conversation and there's only two of us here. I've started to harvest all the best ideas for my solo podcast project.

You've got some secret solo projects going on here? I've just got some sketch ideas that I don't think really work with our dynamic. With the team, the think tank. And I'm just going to do them separately. Yeah, sorry, man. I think that'll work more as a one-man sketch thing. One in the think tank is my other podcast. Oh, man.

Don't know what voice we were doing there. It was a good day. But yeah, they're the guys who do solo projects, solo sketch. It was my solo sketch voice. Apparently, we think the guys who do solo sketch are jerks. So, in massages, okay, there's a thing called the happy ending i don't know if you guys know about this i've heard where you can apparently get jerked off at the end of the massage and that's the happy ending yeah okay but uh but i want to do something where like that's such a

that like that's i'm not quite sure how to play with it, but it's like the idea that either there's someone working in the massage industry who offers someone a happy ending, but they don't, it's not that, okay? So it's like maybe someone gets reunited with a lost puppy at the end of the massage. Or they live happily ever after together. Yeah, or at the end of the massage, Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan get back together. Or possibly the alternative being that in the film industry, okay, somebody's in a film thing and and they're being told, well, we really like the film, but we think it needs a happy ending.

Okay, and then later on, they're at the screening. They're watching the film, and then it gets to the point near the end of the film, and then someone just starts jerking. Jerking, Gael. Look, I think that's fun.

I'm going to write down happy ending. Yeah, film slash massage, right? Yeah, slash massage. But I've also got an idea that at the end of the massage, you say, would you like a happy ending? And you go, yes. And then they hand you a knife, and you cut open their belly belly and then you let your grandmother out that they ate earlier. It's like at the end of Little Red Riding Hood. That's kind of fun.

Yeah. So for some reason, the big bad wolf was dressed up as a masseuse. Right. And then they gave you a massage. And then they gave you a massage. And then they hand you a knife. A hunter's knife. Yeah, a hunter's knife. Yeah, a hunter's knife.

Not just a domestic knife, because that would be confusing. That would be confusing, and maybe, you know, like... Could it be a massage knife? Do masseurs have knives? Are there any knives designed for the massage industry? There's got to be at least one style of massage in the world that involves knives.

That involves knives. I would be shocked if there wasn't. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. Yeah, so maybe a massage knife, which could be the same as a hunter's knife.

Yeah. I mean, if there's a style of massage that can use knives, why can't there be a massage style that uses hunter's knives? Thank you. And why can't there be a style of hunting that involves massages? Thank you. And why couldn't there be a style of receiving a massage that also involves killing an animal. Killing an animal. Thank you.

And why can't there be a style of hunting that involves receiving a massage? And, thank you, and why can't there be a style of being killed by a hunter that involves watching somebody get rubbed down thank you and why can't there be a uh a version of the movie deer hunter

then no no that's where it ends oh yeah it involves people uh standing at a round table getting playing r Russian temple massage. And then people go around and they just massage their temples because they're all stressed out. But only one person gets relieved. Thank you. Only one person gets jerked off at the end. Deer Hunter has a happy ending. This is Deer Hunter but with a happy ending. This is Deer Hunter but with a happy ending.

Maybe, maybe it's for this person who is like, he's come from massage, okay, the world of massage and then he's become a film director.

Right? And then, they're like, or she. Or she. He or she. Yeah, rub and tug.

Apparently that's also a thing. Sometimes you can skip the massage altogether and you just go in for a rub and tug. I thought the rub would be the massage. Oh, no. They're rubbing your penis. Oh. And then they're also tugging at it.

And they're tugging. A boat in from the ocean. Sort of a bigger boat that, you know, is more difficult to maneuver in these sort of shallow ports. bigger boat that you know is more difficult to maneuver in these sort of shallow ports these sort of shallow ports that one would traditionally have a massage parlor in it's like it's not one of those deep deep harbor massage ports it's more a shallow harbor massage ports that requires a tugboat to get the container ships close to the massage table so that the sailors can be jerked off onto the shore. Just into the water.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. They can just stand on the boat and you can just tug them off onto the pier. Yeah. So they just, yep, they're there onto this wood and the wood absorbs that. Oh, seamen ashore. Yeah. Anyway, that was all fun. Yeah. Anyway, that was all fun.

Yeah, look, happy endings, film, massage. Former masseuse director, rub and tug,

tub and ruggy, rug. Masseuse. Tub and rug. Rug and tub. Red director, also, little red riding hood.

There's a guy with a rug and a tub, and there's a guy with a tub and a rug I think the The tug I think the tub and the rug Are probably quite useful

For the rub and tug Because you need the The tub to jerk off into And the rug to clean up afterwards It's a It's a rug and tub tug and rug Would you It's a

It's a rug and tub tug tug and rug. Would you? It's a rug and tub, tug and rub. A rug and tub, tug and rub. Thank you. I like that you're using a rug to mop up. A rug. Yeah, like a rug. It's a shag pile. It's just this big thing.

It's a Persian rug. It's dusty. It's so hard to dry. Yeah, it's my cum rug. After you clean it, it's so hard to dry Yeah, it's my cum rug After you clean it It's a cum rug This guy is jerking off so much Rags

They just They fill up They get so moist and wet They just become unusable After about a day's worth of tugging A day's worth A day's worth of tugging. A day's worth? A day's worth of tug.

About 50 metres of tug. Yeah, and so you just got to, I got to use rugs these days, you know, just to cut back on cleaning. And I know that they end up drying for, you know, three to four days because, you know, they're so dense. Thank you. And the thread counts so high. But it's just You know I just have Two three rugs on the go Usually And so

I look I've worked out a system Masturbation stuff is funny Yeah Look I apologise And look And I don't want to be doing that stuff But in the end

It's just funny You work with what Reality gives you Reality has dictated That masturbation is funny. Certainly has. And I don't want to argue with reality. Andy, I know we've reached five, but I feel like we need to get one more. Yeah, one more?

Yeah. Okay, sure. Absolutely. Will you go with me on this journey? Alistair, hold my hand. Yeah, all right. Now we're actually holding hands. We're actually holding hands and we're going together.

Do you think that we could come up with a sketch whilst holding hands? It might be the first group that's ever done that. So, I mean, if you want to pioneer, like, sketch comedy, we could be the first group that comes up with at least a sketch. And then after we perform the sketch, we go, we came up with that while we were holding hands. Sketch We Go, we came up with that while we were holding hands. Could there be like a...

Oh, shit. Yeah, we could be like the pyjama men, right? Who wear pyjamas while performing. But we could just hold hands. We could hold hands. Through the whole show. And that could be our gimmick. Well, that's not bad. It's not bad.

Should we change our name to something? It's not bad. It's not good. It's probably indifferent. It's one bad. Should we change our name to something? It's not good. It's probably indifferent. It's indifferent, you think? I mean, I think it would kind of make us a little like the Siamese sketch group of some sort. Siamese, because we'd be eating a lot of Thai food during this time. We're holding hands in quite a strange way, because it's across the desk.

Your hand is sort of down, as if you're a woman whose hand I'm about to kiss in like the 1800s. And then I'm sort of curved around you. So your fingers are pointing down and my fingers are horizontal. It's an interesting connection. It's also kind of like a deathbed person, sort of comforting person in deathbed. Which, you know, I don't know what that means. person in deathbed uh which you know i don't know what that means but what this has made me think of is you know maybe the journey that we're going on is like that one that they go on at the end of elma thelma and louise i haven't seen have you read the synopsis on on wikipedia of that one

i have yes great but i can't remember the end well the end they they just drive off the cliff that's right right like in the simpsons episode except except it's Clancy and Homer that do it, and they land in a big pile of garbage. Well, these ones just go off the cliff together and die. What do you think would be a situation that would make us hold hands and jump off a cliff together? It's an interesting thing. Instead of getting into a car together, or like in Pulp Fiction where they get onto that motorbike together, we just hold hands, sort of go on a road trip holding hands or something like that. Just walking?

Yeah. Holding hands, but instead of getting into a car. I don't know how to make the fact that we're not getting into a car, like the con the the trend oh fuck the substitution yeah of the getting into a car for the holding hand the other way around the holding hands for the getting into a car i don't know how to make that clear enough to make it a joke but uh at the moment that's what's in my mind because it's just two people walking holding hands two people walking i mean i don't know why people would would just assume that we're either uh like you you know, why we're not just lovers or really good friends. I guess we could get into, like, into chases and stuff.

Like, do the things that you would do in a car. Yeah. Okay, but do it while holding hands. And maybe also the police who are chasing us are also holding hands. Sort of like in that Carlton ad. Oh, I haven't seen that. Oh, no, there's a Carlton ad like that where they're just running but with pints.

Oh. Yeah. And then the cops are chasing them like that Chasing them also with pints. With pints. Yeah, I only know it because I know one of the guys

in the thing, in the ad. Yeah. Really? Oh, who's that? Tim Mayer. Oh, okay. I don't know him. He was in a musical comedy group

with... Yeah, Kai. I think his last name was Mayer. Yeah, yeah. No, I do him. He was in a musical comedy group with... Yeah, Kai. I think that was the last name was made. Yeah, yeah, no, I do know. I know, yeah, I remember that ad. But maybe the reason why... Oh, sorry, you continue. No, no, no, go.

Maybe the reason why we're jumping off the cliff together is because we both have this really weird insecurity. Yes. Where... We don't want to be thought of as the guys who talk about superconductors as analogies. And we had just both collaborated on a superconductor analogy in front of people. Guys, we're still holding hands.

We're still holding hands. Okay, I don't know. It's important that you know that we're still holding hands. Yeah. Okay. I think we can do something with the chases. I imagine sort of almost like driving, like smashing through buildings and stuff while holding hands.

Is it too close to the ad, do you think? Well, look, what about the... It's a new style of parkour, right, that they've realized it's actually... We can do this way better by holding hands. It's like, you know, Kung Fu has different styles. There's drunken boxing. There's Wing Chun. Yep. You know.

There's, you know, the monkey style. Well, we're holding hands parkour. Right. And so it's a lot of like one guy grabbing hold of a post and then spinning the other guy around and then they kind of rotate like you know, sort of two molecules for a bit. I't know why they're trying to escape angular momentum yeah and so they're just being chased by cops you know what they're not like they're not like electrons which

are moving in unison in a superconductor that's true they are not like no absolutely their waveforms have not synchronized oh sure they're moving together as one, but they are not moving like electrons in a superconductor. Boy, oh boy. They are flowing in direct. I am the last guy to say something like that. Yeah, I don't know. Absolutely. Okay.

Holding hands parkour. You could write that down as a sketch. You think so? Yeah. All right. Is it just so that we let go? No, no. Look, I'll write down holding hands.

In fact, I'm going to keep holding on to you, just to prove to you that... Well, I mean... This is definitely the longest I've ever held hands with a man. Yeah? Yeah. What do you reckon? Yeah, I definitely think this is the longest you've held hands with a man. Probably...

I like that you consider me a man. Would you say that you're manhandling me right now? Yeah. Am I being manhandled? I definitely think you would say that. Hell, I dare. Stop only having opinions about my opinion. I know, but it's fun, isn't it?

It is fun. Thank you, and... Why can't there be a movie about a massage guy who hunts a pig? Hunts a pig, and then he holds hand with the pig. And they come up with a sketch. Do you think this is the end, Andy? Yeah, I think this is the end. Should we let go for the final... Let's disengage. over the sketch. Alright. Do you think this is the end, Andy? Yeah, I think this is the end. Should we let go for the final... Let's disengage.

I was clasping you. My fingers don't quite want to straighten out. My hands didn't really want to let go. There we go. Got it. Yeah, my hands... Andy, I don't know. You had a lasting impression on me, Alastair.

Yeah? Well. Yes. And you on me Alastair yeah well yes and you on me thank you it's long lasting sort of like the great breath

that you get after a Colgate toothbrush that's our new sponsor yeah breath breath

to the think tank brought to you by breath. Breathe. And don't forget to breathe. Yeah, but when you think of breath, do you just think of mostly bad breath? Or do you just think of, like, just any old air that's gone into lungs? I think probably in my consideration of breath bad breath

probably comes higher on the list of like things and that sort of thing then areas of interest and then then good breath or neutral breath you know what's crazy about bad breath is that you can never be sure whether or not you have it because you can yeah because first of all you don't know whether you have it because you can't really yes smell your own breath and second of all you don't know if you can trust the people who are close to you don't know whether you have it because you can't really smell your own breath. And second of all, you don't know if you can trust the people who are close to you to tell you that you have bad breath. Even the people who are closest to you. Some people will do it, but even the people who are closest to you, they may not tell you.

Physically closest and emotionally closest. Yeah, absolutely. The people who are most distant from you also probably won't for a variety of reasons. It's very difficult to trust them. Yeah. But sometimes you just trust them more because they're not people who are close to you. That's totally true. You know what I mean?

Yeah, that's a ridiculous thing that we do where we trust the opinions of strangers a lot of the time more than we trust the opinions of those who are close to us. You try to tell me that something is good, and I go, yeah, right. And then some wacko from the bus stop tells me it. It's bad, and you're like, I knew it. I knew it. I should have known that my friend was a liar, a dirty, stinking liar. He has no taste. Yeah.

Yeah, especially, hopefully no taste of my bad breath. Imagine if, oh, just the thickness of, imagine if somebody's bad breath was so thick that you could taste it. Oh, or see it. Oh, meaty. Oh, like, like a, like a sort of light, light gray. Brown gas. Oh, like, I was imagining light gray kind of mist. Like a brown gas I picture more goes with shit and farting or something like that. Okay. Like, you know, but bad breath for some reason I picture is like a light grey. Oh, that's really strange. I think that's really weird of you. Yeah?

Yeah. I think green is too much. Green's too much? Green's too much. Green's too cartoony. It's too septic, yeah. It's too, like, you know, like, there might maybe a mist that comes off a sewer. Like, yeah, it's too, like, you know, like, there might maybe a mist that comes off a sewer.

No, my thoughts have all disappeared. They've fled. Oh, no, okay. So you can't smell your own breath, right? Is there anything else we can do with that? Like, something else about you that, like, maybe a guy who's like, dude, you can't smell your own farts. You know what? You can't see your own shirt. It's like did you can't smell your own farts no yeah you know you can't see your own shirt it's like how you can't see your own shirt what are you talking about yeah it's like you can like it's like how you can't smell your own breath you can't see your own shirt so you look in the

mirror and you just you just topless yeah I've never noticed that but he's right yeah you shit yeah sure to like the vampires when you put them on they have no reflection we can't see your can't um it's like how you can't taste your own car. No. You can't taste your own... I don't want to say anything that's an actual body product. You know? Sure.

Anyway. Look. Earwax? You can't feel Your own Legs Happiness Happiness That would be sad

Wow Maybe that's true Alistair That we can only feel The happiness of others It's definitely not true That's definitely not true guys I'm still adamant

That I don't think There is such a thing As happiness Yeah That there's just doing things you enjoy and that's pretty much it and then also just like look also this is the thing i think about you know like i wonder why uh like people like you know relationships breaking up and people dying like like why the mourning process is so long right and like why why you know And like why we're so sad. I reckon it's because your brain spends so much time predicting your future.

Yep. Right? That when, and that it predicts a future so far ahead, right? That when something major like that changes, that it has to reprogram the whole future, like where it takes a person out of it and things like that changes that it has to reprogram the whole future like where like takes a person and I feel like that process is somehow linked in with with LinkedIn LinkedIn with sadness and everything yeah I'm just like like it's just uncomfortable and you're and and and every time you access memories where

like or you know or possible futures where you thought that this thing you have to remodel it yeah it's like rendering something in in adobe premiere you know you got all that rendering time all that you've gone in and you've changed it the client wanted to change this one cgi effect that we had in one scene now i have to have to re-render the entire project that takes like 48 hours because i don't have a good processor yeah exactly like that we had in one scene. Now I have to re-render the entire project. That takes like 48 hours because I don't have a good processor. It's like that. We're re-rendering our own future to accommodate the loss of a partner. This is a new thing I've heard about is computer hours or processing hours or whatever like

that. Let's say it takes 1,000 hours to break an encryption on an email or something like that. But if you have lots of CPUs, lots of servers and things like that, you know, you have a lot of computer hours. Well, the brain only has certain computer hours. And so every time it encounters a new project,

it's like, oh, fuck. So that's why it's like, it's painful again to, you know, you encounter a potential solution where like, oh yeah,

that's right. They're not going to be at my, my 30th birthday or whatever. Yeah. You go, ah, then you got to reprocess that one. And it's like, yeah. Anyway, I wonder like, there used to be at my 30th birthday or whatever. Yeah. You go, ah, then you've got to reprocess that one. And it's like, ugh.

Yeah, anyway. I wonder, like, there used to be that thing called SETI. Remember SETI? Yeah. Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence. I think it's the latest. Yeah, it probably does. But you could sign your computer up to a thing,

and they would use your CPU when you weren't using your computer to, like to process data. And it was just sort of a decentralized thing, and they would, via the internet, get your computer to process data for them, so they could have access to this huge network of processing power. I was going to say, why don't they do that for other things? But it's probably fairly obvious. So let's move on.

Oh, I was like... Why is it obvious? The other day, I was thinking, well, it obvious? The other day I was thinking like, well, why can't Google use this for processing stuff? And maybe you could get some micropayments or something for the amount of processing time that they use. But then I realized, well, that would mean sending a lot of data to your computer

and probably that's not good for them from like a privacy point of view and stuff. Anyway. Maybe. It's not a huge... Look, I think it's and stuff. Anyway. Maybe. It's not a huge thing. Look, I think it's doable, though. Yeah. Why can't the cloud,

why can't every node in a network like this be both a processor and a... like... Storage. Yeah. Then we'd have a real

neural network of computers. I don't know why some of them have to just be like a thing that information just passes through. Are there things like that? Like the computers that are just involved in a cloud computer, do they have CPUs on them at all? I've got no idea. Well, fucking... You're no help to me. No, sorry.

I'm joking. I am. Do you want to take us through the sketches That we've come up with Today on the stand Alright Today we have Man who instantly Overcomes adversity

Because he's so positive That's okay Use a touch screen Yeah With my stump Chop chop Chop choppy off Choppy off

My strange insecurities It's a reality TV show On Discovery Or what's that Other network That's like classic one My Strange Insecurities. It's a reality TV show on Discovery. What's that other network? That's a classic one. The Lifestyle Channel? It might be on the Lifestyle Channel. Yeah, let's go with that.

Sure. Nat Geo? Nat Geo? Oh, I don't think it'll be on National Geographic. What about the History Channel? Maybe. No, maybe. What about FX?

Oh, yep. You know, MTV. Great. Great. Yeah. Origins of U2, back when they used to be part of Microsoft. That was really fun. Sketch Concept, Think Tank. Oh, Sketch Concept.

For some reason, I just wrote down Sketch Concept. Think Tank that comes up with political problems. What, you mean you don't write down sketch concept for every single one of these sketches that we've been doing in the entire podcast? Alistair, how are we supposed to know that they're sketch concepts if you don't write that down for each sketch concept?

I don't know, actually. I don't know. Happy ending in film slash massage. So, you know, we've got a couple of options here. Yeah. The former masseuse director who adds, you know, like somebody getting jerked off at the end of movies. Or we have things like at the end of a massage,

somebody, you know, hands him a knife and you get to cut the person open like a little red riding hood and your grandma's freed from the belly of the beast. Yeah. The problem with that happy ending is it involves just a little bit too much disgusting gore for me to... Yeah, for it to be a happy ending. For completely instantly thinking

that that's a happy ending. But anyway. But what if the person's dressed up as Little Red Riding Hood and they're super happy and you find out that the wolf was a really bad person. Like he used to be a Nazi.

Yeah, great. It's not enough being, like, yeah, it's hard to, you know, it's bad that you judge a wolf just for being a wolf. But if you find out that they were also part of a... Nazi organization. Yeah, Nazi, yeah. I mean, Nazis get judged pretty harshly. You know, like, it would have been hard to grow up in Germany during that time and not get involved.

Do we have to have this on the podcast? Does this have to be something that we talk about at this point? No, it doesn't have to be. I mean, like, yeah. Alistair, always trying to get people to have a more positive view of the Nazis. All right, let's just all be negative Nellies. Holding Hands Parkour. Which, guess what?

We came up with that whilst holding hands. Yeah, we did. Who would have thought? And you can't see your own shirt, apparently. It's like you can't smell your breath. Your own breath. There you go't smell your breath. Your own breath. There you go. That was fun.

Especially that bit where we were talking about massages and hunting. I had a really great time. Yeah, I was having a good time in there too. Yeah, great. All right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

And everybody, everybody, let's, Everybody, that's the... Everybody, end, almost anything. So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Goal tenders, no. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too.

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