Simple Swedish Podcast - 300 - "300 SKETCH IDEAS: PART 1"

Episode Date: November 12, 2021

Well. Look. We said we would and we did. It's episode 300 where we come up with 300 sketch ideas. We're sorry about everything and we thank you for your patience.Unfortunately, he hosting platform has forced us to slice the episode up. This episode takes you up to 123 sketch ideas.With a VERY SPECIAL thanks to Evan Munro-Smith, and all our guests.If you're able to chip into the Stupid Old Studios moving fund that is here, and we thank you, deeply.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastJoin the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. We both went beep. Yes! Hello, and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with... Alistair? 300 sketch ideas. I'm Andy.

And I am Alistair George-William Trombley-Birchall. And this is happening. It's happening. Alistair, the con is on. Yep. And con... It's a long con. It's a long con, and con stands for conversation. Absolutely. This is going to be the longest that either of us has ever talked to somebody.

In fact, all the longest conversations in my life have been with you, Alistair. Really? That's nice. I don't think I've talked to anybody else for 11 hours, 17 hours, and then probably 20 to 26 hours. 26 hours, yeah. It's exciting. I mean the hashbrown and the egg McMuffin have barely cleared my gullet. Yeah, I know. But it's good to start with a nice block, a heavy block of food in order to keep the mind nimble. Well, you know, I always say that breakfast is the foundation of the day. And what do you want in a foundation?

Cement. Cement. Absolute cement. Yeah, and so I'm very excited. And let's try and see if there's a sketch idea in that. I'll tell you there is. Because we don't have time to be messing around. There is, because you know how we're a big sausage guys.

I just want to start off with a good sausage. You know what this is? This is a slow-release sausage. Okay. And it is a sausage that you swallow either whole or in just enormous bites. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're designed to slowly – I guess that's what food is. To slowly dissolve into something.

But think about it. It's a sausage that's sliced up into sort of circles like that. Yeah. Pills. Pills. They're essentially a pill. They're food pills. They're in a little jar.

They finally figured it out. For hundreds of years, we've been getting promised food pills. Hundreds of years. Hundreds of years, we've been getting promised food that you can eat in a pill. Well, you slice up a sausage horizontally or vertically, depending on which way you're holding the sausage. And you get those nice round things. They're no bigger than a fish oil capsule or magnesium or something like that. When we dehydrate them, they'll probably be even smaller.

That's right. And then you swallow those whole fist Swallow them in the morning. Swallow them. Like that, yeah. You have them in the morning. And you can have a magnesium sausage. You can have a fat sausage. But in a way, I like it just big.

Oh, you're right. Standard beef. Yeah. Standard chicken. This has given me a real Gary Larson – oh, you've got to write down the name of the podcast on the pad. It's given me a real Gary Larson cartoon idea, which is a kind of – it's two cavemen sitting around eating a gazelle. And one of them says, you know, one day this will be available in pill form. Do you reckon that would make the Gary Larson cut?

Is this sausage? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I mean, Gary Larson. It's not a sausage? He's sitting there eating a gazelle. Oh, gazelle, yeah. One of them says, one day this will be available in pill form.

But you're talking, but, you know, in the minds of the reader, they'll all know sausage pill, probably. Probably what it is. Anyway, I know you're a big Gary Larson guy, so I thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think Gary hasn't seemed to have haven't have had an idea for hasn't had any ideas it's just everybody start emailing gary larson ideas ideas you could email them all of today's today's ideas let's kick start let's kick start one more gary larson

cartoon that could bring the world together maybe that's what let's gary larson cartoons across the the world across america yeah and indeed the world yeah i mean i'm picturing like gary larson little individual sort of like you know like you know those calendars that you you're sure you're a page a day you pull off the cartoon that size but they're all stuck together maybe they're corners like that, and you just cross the ocean like that. It's joining Iran and Australia, and it's joining

South Africa and North Africa across the ocean. The two countries in Africa. Can I tell you another sketch idea? Is Gary Larson comics across the World anything? Yeah. Yes, it is.

Yes, it is. It's a way to bring the world together. Fuck yeah. Okay, here's another sketch idea, Alistair. It's a smothering pillow, okay? Now, but what's great about this pillow is that it's got a special type of foam right in the middle of the pillow that is totally porous right so you can breathe through it with no problems right okay so it's it's it's good it's you know sometimes you want to you want someone to smother you or you want to smother somebody but you don't want anybody

to get hurt okay and it's it looks just like any other pillow in the house except maybe with a little red tag in the corner so you don't accidentally fire off a regular pillow and smother someone to death. Are you saying that it's a smothering pillow, but it's less good at smothering than a regular pillow? Well, I don't know that smothering, for me, doesn't... Smothering is not so much about the deprivation of air and the smothering part. For me, it's more about the writhing okay right yeah so so it's so that you can smother yeah safe environment exactly so like like you know let's say you're your parent and your kids you found out that they're getting into yeah

smothering each other with pillows yeah and you go i want them to be smothering with me safely so you buy this nice safe safety smother. Exactly, teach smothering in the home. And then you just hold them down, maybe on the couch or on the bed, things like that, kicking like that. Like a lie lip for a bit. Yeah, but they're breathing. You can see their chest is going up and down, and you know at that point that you're a good parent.

Exactly. Our company that makes these, we're going to be called the Smothers Brothers, which I love as a name. Or the Smothers Sisters. Exactly. For copyright reasons. But I think also another great use of this pillow would be being able to maybe sleep truly face down. You could lie on your front there.

I would love to sleep that way. Well, you've heard of... God's deprived us of that so far by putting all the breathing holes on the face. If we were like whales, you know, we'd be able to sleep face down. Our nose on the top of our head. Exactly. Of course, if our nose was on top of our head, we could sleep basically entirely immersed in water except for that tiny little bit.

Yeah, or we could sleep in any orientation except for balancing on... Oh, no, even balancing on our head. Why? Why balancing on our head? Unless we were balancing on our head on top of a smothering pillow. Exactly.

I mean, but you've heard of see-through, right? What about breathe-through? Yeah, good. So it's an entire bed that you can breathe through. Air goes through it. It's better. It's more breathable than having your mouth up against a sponge. Yeah.

If you can imagine such a thing. I mean a sponge is basically a smothering pillow. Yeah. Has anybody – I haven't seen any of this. I mean, a sponge is basically a smothering pillow. Yeah. Has anybody... I haven't seen any of this. I'd love to see this. Has anybody seen anyone out? Look, the sketch count is going up.

It's happening. Oh, my gosh. Has anybody... We just hit four, letting you know. Yeah. Has anybody been out, seen anyone out with just like a dish sponge instead of a mask?

A dish sponge like lashed across their face? A couple of bits of string or just a bit of gaffer. A gaffer, a dish sponge on the front there. I haven't seen it, but what do you think the benefits of it are? I think it's a good look. I think it's exciting. I think it's exciting. I think it's new. It looks cleaner.

It does look cleaner. It's designed to clean. And I think that... You could even have a bottle of dish soap that you could occasionally just drip onto it. Spritz. And people can see the bubbles come out. And they know that, sure, there's air coming through. That's a bad thing.

But it's going through soap. It's essentially a soap bong. I think we could – But without smoking. But a bong, where instead of bong water, you have like morning fresh dishwashing liquid or something. A soap bong. Are there like morning fresh dishwashing liquid soap bong are there any lungs are there any are there any companies that i because i know there are bong companies right and i know that there's like this sort of gray market of like bongs that are sold for like tobacco use and

that's kind of it might be different america uh where uh they might be able to just sell bongs for cannabis use now. Sure, maybe in the country, in the states where – In the country, yes. In the country, in the regions, but also in the states where it's legal. In the states where it's legal in particular, I imagine they would have even less problems with it. But yeah, but then again, they love freedom there, so they probably let you do it anyway, even if it's not legal. Yes, yes. Because what is freedom?

Freedom from laws. I think it's still good to have the laws. So it feels like you're free when you're not obeying them. Think of pure America. A more pure America where you're entirely... A more pure America where you're entirely – A more pure America is a great slogan for a right-wing – an extreme right-wing political party. Are there any bong companies that market like the bong water? Could there be – there's the, not Morning Fresh,

that's the dishwashing liquid, but Mount Franklin, you know, those bottles, you know, you go to the convenience store, you go to the vending machine, there's all those bottles of all the different types of water. Could there just be some bong waters in there as well? And they're specially formulated water for bongs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think so. You could get water from, mountains of Japan like that.

Yeah, exactly. Probably people will love Everest kind of. This is Everest. Fresh glacial melt. Yeah, this is Everest snow. Yeah. Six people died to get this. Yeah.

This is Everest snow. Six people died to get this. Yeah. And then you just, I don't know enough about drug culture to put any, but you're ripping the filthiest marijuana bongs through this pristine glacial melt. I think it's really got a real classy bucket bong experience. Yeah. Oh, bucket.

Yeah. Which is perfect for the soap. Yeah, sure. Soap bong. Sink. Anyone do a sink bong? They must. I think so. I think any place where you can hold liquid.

Anything. Well, this brings us back to the question of what constitutes a bowl. When does a plate become a bowl? You know, anything that holds liquid. I think that you could, could you use a man as a bong? Yes, I think you could. Yeah? I mean, we're talking early and intensely about bongs.

I think that we don't actually have that much knowledge about it. Can anybody get a concave gut going, you know? Maybe you could do gut binding, but not for, you're not like a corset. Yeah. What if you've got a special kind of thing where it's a – it is like a corset, but then it's got a divot in the middle there. And you strap it on and you shape your belly into a concave space. So basically you've got a bigger belly button. Okay.

So it's not like – is it essentially like it's a porcelain corset that makes your belly into a bowl? Well, you take it off to do it, but your stomach retains the shape. Maybe you could just rip a very small belly button bong, right? Yeah, but the trouble is with the belly button, right? Yeah. So are you picturing the sort of – maybe... I've just realized we're on a streaming service that you're not allowed to speak about any of it. Really?

About consumption of illegal substances. Well, we're only talking about it in states where it's legal. Oh, yes. Well, great. More free America. It's going wrong. I think you need to have a hole in the bottom in order to be able to. But for the bucket thing, you don't have that.

Oh, yeah. It's somehow, right? And I think it's possible. It might have to be a really small situation but i think you could do it in the belly button okay and i think you know the real classy bong heads so you know how like a real a real uh real high-end like business rich guy finance party yeah do coke off a sex worker or something like that yeah right here, this is the same, but instead of for cocaine, it's ripping bucket bogs out of the belly button of one of those.

Yeah, or it must be even fancier to get it done from somebody who's not a sex worker. Exactly, yes. Secretary General of the United Nations. Exactly. That's the only example I can think of. What do they do after they retire? Where's Banky Moon now? How's he making bank money?

That's right. Banky money. Banking money. He probably is working for a bank company. All right. I'm going to write that down. Yes. Hmm.

Come on. I'm feeling it, Alistair. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. So, Alistair Yeah Okay wait Okay So Alistair How about this It's a It's a podcasting knife

A podcasting knife Yeah So you use it for Invincing guests to come on? Sure, sure. I think it's got to have lots of functions because what do we know? What's your favorite joke, Alistair? I've realized this joke, the one about a guy walks into his master bedroom with a duck under his arm.

And then his wife is in bed and she says – no, that's right. He walks in with a duck under his arm and he said, this is the pig I've been sleeping with. And she says, that's not a pig. That's a duck. And he says, I was talking to the duck. I realize people don't like that joke. I don't think that it's funny he called a woman a pig. I think it's just calling.

It's about the misdirection. The misdirection. And again, it is kind of funny. You're calling a person a pig. But a person. A person a pig. I would love that joke even if it was a wife walks in with a duck under her arm. Even if.

Even if. If you can imagine. Even if somebody was able to write a version of that joke where the wife walks in with a duck on her arm, which I don't think they can. I don't think it could be done. But... It could anger the person. I'm talking about your favourite joke that a group of white men has called a podcast. Oh, yes.

One that I had a podcast about. I made a podcast about that. You did? Did you release that ever? I only made one episode. It's the Group of White Guys is a podcast podcast and I'm glad

I'm getting to advertise it on this podcast. Is it up? With a group of white guys. Is it up online? Yeah, it should be on Podbean somewhere.

I don't know. I don't know if they take things down after a while. They do a cure. They do a cull every now and then. Nah, this one wasn't that good, and he's not paid.

Anyway, I think that's – but also that's a great group to market to. Knives? White guys. White guys, yeah. And what do white guys love? They love a multifunction knife. Absolutely. They love to feel like they are potentially going to be in some kind of survivor-type scenario.

They like to feel like they need tools for whatever job it is that they do. And what job needs fewer tools? Podcasting. But we can still market to these people with our podcasting knife. Yeah, yeah. And what does it do? It has a special thing for opening packets of jelly beans. A little like something that looks like a toothpick, metal,

for making that hole on your disposable coffee cup a little bit wider so you can get more flow. Exactly. That's our version of when car rev heads bore out the cylinder of their engine to get a bigger capacity. It's essentially a coffee cup turbo. Yeah. But that is a good idea, Alistair. That is a very good idea.

That's a sketch idea right there because it's fuel injection but for your coffee cup. cup and it's a little rig that clips onto the top of the cup like that and it pumps air at extremely high pressure through that little hole so that the coffee blasts out of the nozzle at you know 4 000 cubic feet per millisecond that's right so you can get you can get your fuel injection into your body you're referring to the coffee as the fuel yeah that's right that's right so that's that's what i always refer to it as of course yeah my fuel morning fuel yeah that's right um do you think i like to think of the i don't know why i'm thinking about the purity of this knife yeah i like to think it's just a knife right it's yeah okay maybe it is just i get that no because because you're at i mean sure the multi you know the podcasting multi-tool sure

it almost seems like you could you know it's, your mic's come loose and you're doing something or whatever like that. If it doesn't have any – You're using it to strip things like that. Wires or something. Yeah, wires. No, no, no, no, no, no. None of that. It's just a knife.

It's a knife. You wouldn't handle – You have it strapped to your thigh maybe. Yeah. You get some shots of a podcasting booth and all the guys have got their knives there strapped. That's right. And you can use it in the same ways that you use a knife. You get some shots of a podcasting booth and all the guys have got their knives. They're strapped up. That's right. And you can use it in the same ways that you use a knife.

You could, you know, for long podcasts, you could use it for… A long con. For a long con such as this one. You know, you could use it for either cutting foods. You know, how do you make a hard food more palatable for the listening audience? You cut it up into tiny slices so it loses its crunch it's it doesn't no longer has that structural integrity you know i'm i'm a big eater of carrots yeah but i can't eat them on pod just a thin sliver of carrot thin sliver place it on your tongue you just let it dissolve under your tongue that's what i do yeah it's all just

it's it's different ages of dissolving carrots under my tongue. It's a rainbow. It's a composting system. It's a rainbow of orange that goes from fresh new carrot orange to dark brown kind of old carrot orange. Yeah, that orange. That orange, brown. I feel like brown is absolutely part of the orange spectrum. I think it actually is considered a part of orange.

I agree. So we're on nine. I got Coffee Cup Turbo made it as its own sketch. Yeah, oh, fuck yeah. You know, you take your keep cup into some guy or gal who customizes keep cups, and they'll tell you about all the stuff they can do, boring out the hole, clipping on the rig, selling you some stuff that's not strictly legal.

It feels like there is more technology that could go into the lip of it, like directing it, maybe some things like this, like that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that. Maybe some kind of rain covers. You don't get sort of water that is unfiltered from coffee, diluting it, but also so you don't get that splash back. We were talking about this on the way in, that a strong coffee is really a drier coffee.

Yeah, that's right. The stronger the coffee, the drier it is. Yeah, bring me your driest coffee. That's right. And that's as, the drier it is. Yeah, bring me your driest coffee. That's right. As close as possible to being solid. Yeah. It's still wet. It's still wet, sure. It's still wet, but it's got significantly less water in it.

I mean, you could say that even a small glass of water is drier than a big glass of water. This is a part of my brain is telling me to fight you on this. Some dark, primal bit at the back is roaring and scratching at the walls of the cave. Would you agree that water is wet? Just so that... This is for the bit you were doing about the... I need a drier coffee.

Yeah. So it's stronger. But just to support this bit that you're doing. I – I need a drier coffee. Yeah. So it's stronger. But just to support this bit that you're doing. I'm doing it to support you. I'd just like you to sign here to say – A charitable idea. Say it to the camera, right into the camera. Hey, we should take a moment to thank Evan Munro-Smith for putting this stream together,

making everything look so beautiful. Anyone who's seen any of the previous streams, I think maybe the first one might have just been streamed on Facebook using a computer. Yeah. And then the last one was Evan set up a camera in the podcasting booth. But then we're – look at this. I mean, Ellie Durkin drew all this.

Pickle Durkin. At Pickle Durkin? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Check out her illustrations. But shele Durkin? Yeah, I think so. Check out her illustrations. But she did this for us yesterday. It's incredible. You don't deserve any of this.

Evan did all this. Even built the screens. Didn't she make me look cool? Oh, yeah, you look cool. Yeah. I like how I look. You've got a real chaplain thing going. Wait, no.

There we go. There he is. And even though this is quite an old photo of us, I think.'ve got a real chaplain thing going. No. There he is. And even though this is quite an old photo of us, I think. Is it? I think so. We look exactly like ourselves right now. Yeah. I mean, it looks like it's got my new glasses in it.

My new glasses are wider. And so it kind of, I don't know. All right. Well, maybe this was taken within the last five hours. I imagine that Ellie has the ability to just picture us. Yeah. And she can do it pretty accurately. That's a real illustrator right there. Yeah.

And also, while we're off topic and not coming up with sketch ideas, we may as well plug the stupid old studios. The studio that we're in is moving. It has to move because there's going to be a building. Built just on the other side of that wall there. Just on the other side of that wall, and it's going to have underground car parks, and we're moving. And so there is a fundraiser to help the huge… It's not that we hate underground car parks. It's that the noise from the construction is going to make this studio unusable for such important work as this.

So, yeah, that's right. unusable for such important work as this. So yeah, that's right. And so there is going to be, there is a, if you go into the bio of this stream somewhere, there is going to be a link to a fundraiser if you would like to support the capability of this studio to be able to move. And thank you very much.

That was beautifully put, Alison. I honestly, I couldn't have put it better myself. Usually if I'm on a run of saying words without messing it up, I got to bail as quick as possible. So I got to get out of there. I haven't have put it better myself. Usually if I'm on a run of saying words without messing it up, I got to bail as quick as possible. So I got to get out of there. I haven't messed anything up. I haven't argued something in a poor way. I haven't contradicted myself or said a word and used it in a sense that it doesn't mean.

It does feel limiting to have to use words. In the sense that they do mean. Yeah. Let's come up with a dictionary of meanings that you could get away with for a word, or it sounds like they could have. Or you don't even want that. You want any word to be able to mean anything. You know what?

No, I do like a dictionary for people who use words wrong. And you could – but someone has taken all these incorrect uses and put them in a dictionary so people have backup. Exactly. Because that's all a dictionary is. It's just backup. Well, no, but it's – Backup for mainstream people. Because that's all a dictionary is. It's just backup. Well, no, but it's... Backup for mainstream people. Because...

Lamos. Because a word changes meaning anyway when people just use it wrong a bunch of times or use it in a new context, and then suddenly that word means that. Yes. But people who are sick of waiting for the big mainstream dictionaries to get on board...

This is... What we'll do is we'll release it. It's like a newspaper. Dictionary comes out every day. The dictionary is here. Dog runs down to it. It's dictionary boy, right? They're riding around from house to house,

tossing dictionaries, enormous things that smash through your windows and knock over your garden gnomes. That's right. Your garden gnomes are inside. Wow. This is a good idea. Oh, an indoor gnome.

Garden gnomes still though, right? Home gnome. Home gnome for the indoor plants. Well, I'm just thinking that like the garden gnomes, they're out there gardening all day. They've got to come in at some point. It's a gnome you can have in your bed. Imagine that rolling over. There's a gnome you can have in your bed. Imagine that rolling over. There's a big porcelain gnome there.

With a big rubber butthole. Yeah. Home gnome. Home gnome that you can bone. Yeah. Home gnome that you can bone. So the Daily Dictionary is there so that you can... If we could go into this just a little more. But I think a lot of the time those gnomes, they're hollow, right?

It's just a porcelain outer shell. So I picture that the base of the gnome is just a void. That's where we put a big, fleshy rubber butthole. That means that when you're having sex with a garden gnome,

under the feet, it is pointing straight out there. You can use the full length. And you've got something you know to grip onto i think imagine that i think the other end of the gnome should have a vibrating bit in it really unhappy about hey i'm really unhappy about it that way you can turn it around and then you can you can use it no matter who you are here you go exactly i don't want to i don't want this to be a gender specific i it wasn't no no absolutely't. I wasn't saying you were doing that. No, but...

Of course. And plus, anybody, even people who don't like penetrative sex, they can just rub their finger on top of the rubber butthole. Exactly. They can just, you know,

and they can do whatever. They can rub whatever they want. Peanut butter. They can rub just lube. Or they can just touch it raw. Exactly like that now um this so this this this is not a good idea but what about a rubber butthole that gets redder the more you use it is that anything i it's just i don't know if that's what happens in real life i'm i am actually not knowledgeable in these kinds of things.

Surely it must be. It must, though. If you rub anything, it gets redder. That's what skin does, right? Yeah, that's its nature. Is that a sketch idea? We're doing an experiment right now, but not with buttholes. Okay.

Just rubbing. I'm really getting red. It does feel hot, and it is hurting yeah but you gotta give time well i'm gonna make a hole with my hand just i'm not enjoying this at all it's getting warm and i picture warmth eventually eventually getting red there you go um but okay and then also but it, but it's barely a sketch idea. No, Alistair. We are not in the business of turning down sketch ideas. Okay, great.

Okay. Fucking hell, we've got to pace ourselves because – Faster? Like a faster pace? Yeah. That's right. Running hot. But, Alistair, yes, dictionary boys riding around in their little push bikes,

throwing the day's dictionary, all right? And then, you know, the family sitting around the breakfast table, okay? Oh, yeah. Swallowing their breakfast sausage pills, okay? And someone's opening up the dictionary and reading out, oh, did you hear what they've got? Categorized meaning these days. It's actually got something to do with felines.

Cat. I was going to go with eyes. Oh, well, cat that gores eyes. Wow. I mean, they're not all going to be like that. That's how it can be. They're not all going to be like that. It's a daily dictionary, Andy. It's changing the meanings every day.

You're saying it's never going to get to that meaning? I'm saying... So you're ruling that out. I'm saying, you know how big an operation this would have to be in order to just have ideas every day on different things? I don't think they need ideas. I think they can just scan the internet. Scanning the internet.

Hearing people in cafes. It's automated. A lot of these people are probably just working on their laptops in a cafe. They're just listening to how people use words and writing down that meaning. Yeah. And what I like about it is that it's not like about the order that you're putting words in. It feels like newspapers are all about putting words in a particular order. This isn't about that.

This is just about the words by themselves, what they mean individually. Let's go back to the negative dictionary as well. Because I think this would satisfy you. If we could just agree on the things that certain words can never mean, all right? And then we'll publish that once, and then everything else is fair game.

I know, but I think it's hard because look at this. So let's say you would say yes could never mean no. Although I think there's heaps of examples in which yes does mean no. But let's say you were saying that, right? And then I'll say, no, look, I'm not going to use yes and no. I'm going to use – Are you feeling uncomfortable? Yeah, I'm using uncomfortable.

And then because I'm also going to then use it in an innuendo kind of scenario. Oh, okay. So let me just say, let's say soccer ball could never mean soccer foot. Okay. Right? And then you go, let's just say he put his soccer foot in my soccer butt i'm so sorry and then soccer soccer foot like that i'm actually implying soccer ball okay i couldn't do it i couldn't do it man that was that was horrible to watch... Was it the twitching?

But I think a winking dictionary is a very good idea. And it's a dictionary where... A dictionary for the winking man? A dictionary for the winking man's dictionary. Very good. Very good, Alistair. Yeah, and so can you give me an example of what a definition would be and how it would differ? Or is it just

that you say a word and you go like this, and then... It means the opposite. It means the opposite? Or does it just mean something sexual? That's exactly right, yes. The Winking Man's Dictionary takes any particular word and gives a sexual interpretation or an innuendo-type

interpretation of the meaning of that word so if you were to say that word while winking what would that mean yeah um and yeah um i'm happy yeah so let's just say we had we exchanged innuendo if you know what i mean yeah all right the winking Man's Dictionary. Now, are there any thinking foods? Because we have – there's lots of things that market themselves as thought – sorry, as sport stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

Like a thinking cookie. Yeah, exactly. A philosopher's breakfast. We've got Iron Man food, right? What about if you're going for a big day of thinking? So few people work in professional sports, but so many people. There's all the drinks. There's all the foods marketed towards them.

Lots of people are in the thought industries. Not sportsmen, but thoughtsmen. Now, we're going to ignore Balzac actually just chewing on coffee beans. Or coffee beans. Coffee beans. He said it was horrible. But it was the only way to get it done. To stay up and keep writing.

Now, that is a thinking man's food there. Sure. I mean, is that it? Or do we need to – because I do like the way that there was the enlightenment or whatever it was when people shifted from drinking beer all the time for the whole day because there was no clean water or something. Society isn't making that much progress, guys. Have another beer. Quick. We're probably dehydrated.

Have another beer. And then they had coffee and then somehow productivity increased or something like that, right? Sure. But there must have been a revolution like that with food. Yes. No? The opposite of when the buffet was invented. The opposite.

I feel like, exactly. I feel like salads are probably getting close, right? Things aren't too heavy. Sort of basically exactly the opposite of what you and I had for breakfast as we ran in this morning with seconds to spare. Seconds to spare and then we still started about seven minutes late. Exactly. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. Okay. So you're thinking a salad? I mean, it's not making us laugh yet, but we're... But we'll work on it, right? There's going to be slivers of different things. It'll be okay.

Almonds. Almonds. Almonds. Sure. And a little bit of Adderall. How do I say almonds? I don't say almonds. I say almonds.

Almonds? Almonds? Almonds. The fact is that a lot of these, I think what will make it funny, right, and what will make you laugh is, this will make you laugh, Al. Almonds. This will make you laugh. You'll love this, is the ad that goes laugh this will make you laugh you'll love this is uh is the

ad that goes with it which shows you know thinking individuals in the process of having big thoughts deeply philosophizing of gritting their teeth and forcing out uh an epiphany yeah okay the thinking man's mashed potato no i don't know Are you picturing Watching them eat something that's difficult to eat? No, I'm picturing them Coming up with ideas Whilst chewing We're trying to dramatise

Fucking hell Alistair We're trying to dramatise the process of thinking Yeah Exactly Right We're parodying an Iron Man food Nutri-Grain style ad just for thinking individuals. Jesus Christ, the work I have to do to get him to write something down on a day like today. It's because we haven't named a food yet.

Nobody has a mental image. Give a fuck what the food is. It doesn't even matter. It's a cereal. They say it's a cereal. What's in a cereal? Nobody knows. Just a different combination of grains, right?

Not all of them. Shut up. Some of them use pseudo cereals, you know? You got your quinoa. One of Alistair's favorite topics of conversation is pseudo cereals, and I bet he can't name a third one. Amaranth, quinoa. This is what you get with a comedian's level of understanding.

Oh, no, wait. Wait, wait. Goji berries. No, it's not a berry. He's naming superfoods now. Yeah, you're right. You're right. You found the category.

I'll think on other... Corn. There is a way you can deliver a list of two things and make it seem like the list would go on and on if only you had the time to keep listing stuff. I think that there are others. No, I agree. Yeah, I just don't...

I agree. But you do love talking about it, and you do not really know that many. Well, you only need to know two. You only need to know two. You only really need to know one. I was... You got your keen eyes.

...showering you in gifts by giving you even that amaranth. Sure, I didn't have to give you that. I'm not even sure that amaranth is i didn't have to give you i'm not even sure that amaranth is a substitute cereal i know key wires stuff alistair i'm feeling uh the heat and i wonder it might be even time to break out a podcasting towel yeah yeah yeah you need to you need to dab your head little bop yeah please do Yeah, please do. While I'm writing down the Thinking Man's food ad, struggling. Oh, yeah, look.

The sketch count is on 14. That's where I'm at. They know what they're doing. We've got a special team scraping the podcast for information that is giving them information about how many sketches we've come up with. I'm not doing good on talking anymore. Wait, should I? Yeah. This is nice, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, I think this is nice. I think maybe, look, I'll put it here. You need liquid? Okay, look, I don't know if I can stop for liquid. And add people. Oh, no, we're falling apart here. Oh, that's right. Andy got an orange juice and a coffee this morning.

Because I have a very successful friend who gets orange juice and coffee. And I think that could be one of the secrets of success. Well, if it's the only thing you know about them. Well, no, he also works hard. But how does that happen? Exactly. Cause and effect. I think it's the orange juice.

Other than that, we're very similar. I mean, there's a possibility that the coffee cup that you could get engineered with the turbo in it and stuff like that could have another compartment underneath it just for the orange juice. Really good. It looks like you're getting one of those really big coffees. Yeah. But actually, you could maybe with your tongue flick the hole so it goes to another chamber.

This reminded me of something yesterday, right? Remember when at some point we switched over from having regular salt that was just like salt that was just like salt that was already ground up into little bits and you would just shake it onto things. Having salt that's in big chunks and now we've got to grind it up into those little bits. It's the same fucking chemical, right?

It's sodium chloride. It doesn't make any difference. Well, I think a salt can be any non-metal mixed with a metal. That is definitely true in a chemical sense yeah I don't think any of the salts are fucking around with magnesium but I think I think they can be back they could be lithium a lot of those ones are the ones are extremely poisonous uh folate no ways folate a metal uh no I don't think so sodium oh wait sodium is the one i'm trying to name like a really reactive metal sodium i already said cesium alistair did you yeah i don't know cesium

was i just i when you say cesium i picture a woman being opened up and a baby being pulled out really the baby is made of metal uh well that would be bad because the baby would react chemically with the atmosphere as soon as it was pulled out. Catch fire, burn off the surgeon's hands. Another cesium section. But Alistair, I'm writing it down! At what point did we realize? I love that.

I love that about you. That's one of my favorite things is when you write that down. But what about when... Yeah. Okay. So I was thinking, it was just done to look classy, right? Getting those big salt crystals

and then grinding them. Oh, yeah. Just to have something to do. To make it match with the pepper, even though it's exactly the same thing as shaking that big, ugly salt. And you don't picture salt actually going stale. I don't think it actually is a thing, right?

Totally. You don't need fresh ground salt. No. No. Right. So what about that? But for your clothes washing powder, right? You know, instead of shaking that powder in the washing machine,

you get nice, big, hard chunks of clothes washing crystal. And then you have a big laundry grinder that allows you to grind something in there. I like the re-blockifying of a lot of foods. Imagine getting a box of cereal and it is just a block. And you've got to just get a mallet. You chip some off, like you're chipping ice. Like that. And it does.

It probably is a little bit like for zoo animals, throwing their food and hiding it around their enclosure. Sure. They still have to go hunting and stuff. What do they call that? There's a word for it. Not stimulation, but there's a – it's not coming to me, but there is a word for what they do in the enclosures. Enrichment. I think they call it enrichment. Oh, it's not coming to me, but there is a word for what they do in the enclosures.

Enrichment. I think they call it enrichment. Oh, yeah. I think it's very condescending to the elephants. Yeah. Oh, you're going to fucking put the bananas in a truck tire, are you? Oh, yeah. That'll keep me busy.

Thanks for bringing me in off the savannah for this. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I think, you know, you take a banana, you put it on like a little raft. Oh, my life is so enriched right now. Push it to the middle of the little pond that they have go get it there you go this is just like being in the wild oh my air floating bananas just the way it was back i think a new zoo in which our commitment is never to be condescending to the animals um you know we're not going to insult their intelligence. Yes, we are overall demeaning them and worsening their quality of life

by keeping them in captivity, but at least we don't sugarcoat it for them. We know what it is, they know what it is, and we make it really clear to the audience the audience to the to the patrons uh exactly what the situation is that we're dealing with like so um fuck sorry no no no no alistair i was just is the zoo where you don't condescend to them yeah treat them like adults yeah you get real yeah you just you and you know like sorry i wasn't Sorry, I was writing down an idea You don't hand cut all the fruit for them Sure

You know You leave a lot of the time in the shopping bags You don't cook the meat Yeah, exactly You just give them Maybe you let them make their own tools so they can get into stuff. Coconuts and things like that. Do you think animals have any trouble getting into coconuts?

I think it depends on the animal. The coconut ant. Zoo, where are you? The coconut ant will work on this one coconut for 15 years. What's that word? Undescend. Undescend.'s that word? Undescend. We don't descend at all. Descend it from monkeys.

Condescend. No, that's nothing. What about the baby animals? Do you treat them like adults? Yeah. Like a giraffe? Should I be posting these? If the giraffe is ready to run within hours after its birth, then it's ready to learn a few other hard truths as well.

Drive. It's ready to drive. That's right. I mean, this is a Formula One encampment. It's sort of like the Spartan version of Formula One. It's a Formula One island where as soon as a baby is born, they put it in a Formula One racing car going around the Le Mans race track. Yeah, yeah.

I don't know if that's a Formula One track. Sure, sure, sure. At, you know, 200 kilometers per hour. Yep. And if it doesn't survive, then it wasn't a true Formula One racer baby. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I think that spartan idea to to all to all professions thinking yeah i'm gonna make this one about thinking again well as we discovered

what are the most difficult things to visualize and illustrate yeah but you know baker you put it on a table covered in in in flour yeah um why am i complicating this sketch idea by no you but but just to go just to go back to my thinking thing i know i said that was bad but we take a baby and we put it in a televised debate with noam chomsky and if it if it can hold its own then it's a then it's it's going to be a being in the philosopher tribe. Yeah. I do like that. Okay. I might actually take off the... Yeah, I don't think I need to be hotter. No.

Yeah, I'm going to take off this towel for the moment. But it's good food. It's going to be good. It's going to come in handy. Well, yeah, that's true. It's the reason that I need to be dabbed. It's because of the towel. It's because of the towel's making me so hot. It's the reason that I need to be dabbed. It's because of the towel. Because of the towel is making me so hot.

Put in fast-moving car. Philosophers also. Yeah, yeah. So I was talking about grinding the salt, grinding the laundry powder. Yeah. But I also wonder if there's something about somebody who mixes their own blend of laundry powder. You know how some people make their own blender coffee and stuff like that?

I don't know if people actually do, but I know certainly there are. I think somebody is blending these coffees. People are mixing their own teas. People are mixing their own teas from different herbs and spices. Somebody mixes their own. Probably growing their own leaves. Exactly. People who mix their own laundry powder from a range of different powders that they purchase. So they get one from Ecuador. Sure.

And they get one from Indonesia. Yeah. And they get one from Indonesia. Yeah, and they get some Biozet. What's Biozet? That's just the one. Oh, yeah, and they get some Tide. And some Oxo, and they just get the right ratio. And then maybe they give it to their friends, and the other friends start to get into this thing.

And you could become a guru of that kind's a, you know, you could become a guru of that kind of shit, right? Coming up with your own particular... It's like joining a weird sport, you know? It's easy to become a world, you know, or at least a national champion in an odder sport. Yes.

Because there's less people doing it. That's just maths. Right now, there are no, there are no, as far as I know, washing powder barons who are like a sommelier yeah do you think you would sure oh yeah definitely especially that last bit where you're really flicking the tongue you would do that a lot yeah do you think you would maybe or maybe you would like dip your finger in it dip it into a bit of water, and then rub it onto a clothing.

A clothing. A clothing. And then go... And then just dip it in. And then I think you'd probably do this. Give it a little lick. Yeah, because, I mean, what is the nose? What is smelling, if not tasting, the air instead of without touch?

It's like because the tongue is kind of the hands. Well, I mean, earlier you were saying there's transparent things that you can see through. What about something that you can breathe through, right? Something you can taste through. Something you can taste through. A glass that you can taste through. Packaging that you can taste through. So the food, this would be great in a supermarket.

Cheesecracker. A new supermarket where you can lick all the food before you buy it. It's still clean. It's still in the packet, but we've developed a new kind of packaging where the flavor can be tasted through the packaging. It is still the flavor of, let's say, you know, let's say it is like a, you know, I don't know, like a braised onion. Yeah.

Just the kind of normal thing that you buy from the supermarket. Yeah, you get it in a packet like that, just like a braised onion like that. It's been braised in something. I have no idea what you're talking about. I've never known what braising is. I don't know. I picture liquid.

I picture a flavored liquid. I picture a lot of heat. You are describing cooking to a broad extent. I think you can be fair and you can trust yourself in thinking that this is going to be a form of cooking. Yeah, great. Any of those things. Broiling. Yeah. Do you reckon this would be a thing? Grilling. Wet grilling. Because there's always a new kind of...

I think that's what braising is. I think braising might be wet grilling. Oh, great. Because there's always a new thing, a new cooking thing. At the moment, everyone's talking about fucking air fryers online. Mm-hmm. Right? Which, to me, sounds a lot like an oven.

But, right, we just got to be those people... Taste through. ...who come up with whatever the new fucking thing is. Could this be our first guest? It could be our first guest. Surely not. Yeah, yeah. It might be 7 a.m.

Oh, my God. Taste through packaging. My goodness. How far we've come. We're already on. Oh, no. You've written down come. We're already on... Oh, no, you've written down 20. We're actually on 19 still. I'm sorry.

I must have forgotten to write one down. But we're going to get our first guest here. And it's going to be very exciting. Hello, Cass. Andy's going to shift seats. And you can come straight on. Please. Cass, I don't know your last name.

It's Bleachmore. I use Paige online. Oh. I'm for my security and privacy. Well, good day. This is Cass Paige. It's weird. I don't know your middle name or any of your pin codes.

Yeah. Isn't that weird? Well, okay. So if you want my pin. I think you could almost safely give out your pin. That's what I was thinking. Yeah. Who's stealing my card?

I'm going to give out two of the numbers. Eight, four. How did you know? That's scary. This is a kind of edging. Yeah. You give out almost all of your security details. Yeah, I think that they still, even if you gave out three of the numbers,

I think that there's still more, there's less tries that you're allowed to put into an ATM than there are possible mutations. Yeah. And so I think it would steal their card. And if you don't give the numbers as well. Sorry, if you don't give the numbers, certainly you're not giving much card. And if you don't give the numbers as well. Sorry, if you don't give the numbers, certainly you're not giving much away.

But if you don't give the order. It's like a game of Mastermind, isn't it? Yes. I haven't watched that for ages. Isn't it a little game with pegs? Great. It is a game with pegs, but it's also a TV show that's very different.

So there's a TV show where it's just a trivia show. But you're talking about the game Mastermind with the pegs, which I used to play with my grandpa, and I had forgotten existed. Thank you. I've also just remembered that I played it with my grandfather as well. My grandfather loved games with wooden pegs in them. Literally, I think he made his own wooden peg games. That's really impressive.

He was a very impressive man. I think he hurt his leg, so he had to do a lot of stuff sitting down. He had a wooden peg yes wooden games for him that was soccer yeah that was just running wait i'm gonna write this i don't know what if so thank you so much for coming in thank you for having me um i i assume you you you sort of get what's happening you've been on before right literally i've met you maybe three times in my life and two of the times have been on these insane podcasts that we do. And what a privilege it is for you.

I think the other ones are right after you've come off stage and I'm being like, you were so funny. Aw. You were so funny. I have to go home now because I have to go finish setting up or packing up. To put away the things. Well, that's very nice.

But, yeah, this is a really healthy kind of relationship to have, you know, where we have a forced conversation once every two years. I know. Evan did that. Yeah, yeah. We would not ever organize anything to be good. We can only contact people either a day or two days before they're committed to a thing and then do it in a dark, damp room.

Yeah. So luckily Evan was involved to make this look nice. We're also quite good at seeming pathetic enough that people take pity on us and as a result, everything else around us gets better even if our contribution – It's a great bargaining tool. I don't know if you've ever used patheticness to get things but – The old drag me down to drag me up. Yeah.

Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Mastermind. I'm just messing around. All right. I've got – this is – I don't know what Mastermind is but I did play it at one point and I that there were pegs, and I know that somehow when there was a missing thing, you were able to figure out something.

Essentially, if numbers were colors, it's guessing someone's pin. Yes. Oh, that's what it is. Yes. It's preparing you to be a real-life Mastermind. Yeah, and the rows kept going up. Is that a thing? And then every time you were…

Yeah, you get closer to guessing. There's bigger pegs and littler pegs And there's black and white and black means you've got the right colour in the right location and white means you've got the right colour in the wrong location And then at the end you say like it was

Professor Mustard in the studio with the microphone This is a version of Cluedo that's to do with podcasting. I've got a sketch idea, Alistair. And what this is, it's a kind of, you know the game, those pick-up artist guys? Oh, yeah.

It's that, but for being really pathetic and having people take pity on you. Okay? And it's more to, like, get, you know, women to take a kind of a mothering-type pity and, therefore, you know, it's just another way of rather than being, you know, all the peacocking and the being an alpha and being funny and that kind of stuff, this is being a real sad worm that people will, yeah, want to protect. I like it.

It's kind of like a positive version of these people who don't, these young, these guys who don't have sex. In cells. In cells. Yeah. It's almost called? Incels. Incels. Yeah. It's almost like a self-neg. Yeah. It's really flipping the switch.

Yeah. On negging. Slipping the switch. Sniffing the fish. Sniffing the fish. Sniffing the fish. I mean, think about how much pity someone would take on you if they saw you sniffing some flesh. If it was just flesh.

Like, let's say you were in the park um walking around there's a guy with a hunk of meat probably it could be a nice cut could be a very poor cut but we don't know because it's just a hunk at that's just exactly yeah you you can't really tell whether or not there's kind of good fat distribution within the stuff like that but anyway they're just smelling it in the park like that now you you would, at first you'd be like, like that. But then you'd go, this poor man is clearly not in a great place. And then you would think that society is probably at fault. Yeah.

You're not blaming poor man at this stage. No. No, no, no, exactly. Suddenly it's like, it's too bad. It's too weird a thing. You think somebody's hurt this person when they were young. They've been let down by society. Just sniff the flesh in public.

Sniffing the flesh or sniffing the flesh. Neither of them you could do in public and it'd be fine. Could we come up with the first smell-based dating app? Because at the moment people have a profile. the first smell-based dating app where, you know, because at the moment people have a profile. I don't know if we could get this to work fully digitally, but at the moment people have a profile where they have some photos and they write a little bit about themselves.

Is there any way that we could do it where you sort of put a bit of smell into a jar and you mail it to somebody. You get a bunch of different smells and then you have to smell them and then you decide which smell. I reckon this could work. I reckon your dating profile could have your top note, your mid note, your bottom note. I don't know what they're called.

A bottom note, I think I can get that. You've got your three notes in the dating profile. You've got like, oh, what's an unexpected scent you'll get with me? And maybe like a sleeper note. Yeah. I like that. Then you can order maybe one or two mil samples of the person. And you could keep it digital.

You're supposed to just dip your finger into it and then smell your finger. So it's digital.'s digital call it all in the stink all in the stink i'm writing down all in the stink i was going to call it odor but just odr but sure all in the stink is no that's no that's that's more that's more modern no i'm i'm thinking too i'm literally uh thinking digital and not digital. That's right. I just got your digital joke. That's really good. Yeah, it's a digit. The finger's a digit.

Yeah, it's really good. Yeah, but I think, yeah, I was going to say something and then it's completely gone. My mind is already starting to dissolve. It's flaking off the sides. What about this? A baby that you raise. Oh, just for fun? You raise it for fun. I i mean every baby that you raise is you raise it for fun you know i mean really raising a baby is an

experience right that it's like it's like it's like going traveling right i think i genuinely went into this having children thing we like this like you go it's like just like one of those things that you do it's like climbing everest right it's one of those things that you do. It's like climbing Everest, right? It's one of those experiences that you have to have. You've got to try it. It's not necessarily easy, but you've just got to do it. You have to climb Everest? No, you don't have to. You don't know about this?

Oh, my God. You mean you haven't even started booking in Sherpas or anything? There are so many dead bodies on that mountain. That's right. Those are all people who didn't book in time. It keeps getting higher because of all the bodies. Yeah. But, so wait, it's a baby, but you keep giving it foods that don't need to be chewed.

Right? So like snails that just kind of slide down the back of the throat. Oh, sure. Yeah. You know, drops of water and things like that, drops of, you know, bone broth. I guess it's just that you give it a Pete Evans diet. Oh, yeah.

And then you create the first person who doesn't know how to chew. And then they got to learn how to chew. As an adult. As an adult. Yeah, and that's really compelling television, right? It's never been's like it's never been it's a show called never been chewed yeah right i reckon i reckon we've got the technology enough for the scanning thing we'd be able to see muscle movement i think it would be really

fascinating yeah see you could wow it would be like yeah like a rag like like you watch you you would over time watch their jaw become capable of doing it you could probably just probably just raise them by giving them something that looks a bit like a pipe. But it goes all the way to the back of their throat. And they just drink whatever's in there. Whatever the food is. So that way, they're just used to drinking things. And it kind of bypasses the mouth and tongue. Take that away.

And it's just a bunch of people. It's a house. They're all living in a house together. I'm going to say polished concrete floors because you're going to need to do a lot of mopping and they basically can't close their jaws at all trying to eat things

that's so full on is that also probably offensive? maybe, I'm not sure it depends on what you picture so you're saying they're weak jawed so like oh so they've never used their jaws i think well maybe they've had they've had to they would have had to have keep it shut surely sure a lot of the time they're still doing those other things they still have their baby teeth how do teeth still yeah they might not be worked out that would be really great and

if they could start falling out on camera as well in the house i wonder if it's if baby teeth are on a timer or whether you need to stimulate the gums in some way well this is probably the only way to find out right by really you know doing a doing a irl experiment like this also i like the way that the the addition that you guys have added with it they're in a house and there's a bunch of them and i like that they each have a story and some of them would have never even had you know anything in their mouth maybe everything's bypassed some of them would never alone to speak so they have didn't develop any muscles like that and it's they're just completely slack-jawed so it's just it's a jaw experiment more than a shoe experiment we're

gonna go through all aspects of not moving the jaw. Yeah, I like the idea that it does. You know, it's a broader idea. You could have people in there who've never been bitten. All right. I don't know. All right, and then have other people in there being like, well, maybe today's that day you test that jaw out finally.

Yeah. That's right. Okay, it's a bunch of people who have never been bitten and who really want to be bitten in a house. It's sort of of people who have never been bitten And who really want to be bitten In a house It's sort of like Love Island But they're in a house with a bunch of people Yeah, Love Island is about people who have never had sex

Okay, okay They really want to And they seem to know How to make it happen That's a better show But then a bunch of people Who's a good idea it's like love island but it's like yeah it's all it's all virgins but non-intentional virgins i guess not in cells necessarily i don't want them to i don't want there to be any violence

but i guess but in cell island does sound pretty good yeah that does sound good but but it's like but it's both but it's both men and women in cells right there there must be women in cells surely yeah yeah that'd be harder to find i guess i'm sure purist in cells wouldn't believe in female that's right cells but but i suppose in the pure sense is there's people who are voluntarily celibate right it's an involuntarily involuntarily in the purest sense i's people who are voluntarily celibate right involuntarily involuntarily in the purest sense

I don't know if you're strictly accurate there Alistair in the purest sense it's the complete opposite of what the meaning was in the daily dictionary that would work

well in the in the opposite dictionary in the never the black dictionary in the winking man's dictionary the black dictionary sounds wrong not everything i do is offensive no i know sometimes i'm just an idiot

you gotta give me the benefit of the doubt and that means have a lot more doubt in me wait what was the what was the show because the sketch count there is going faster than i've even written this one down wow they already know they already know i was gonna write it down so it's the island where... Incel Island. Oh, wait, wait. Oh, yeah, there's the Incel Island. And then there's the Jaw House.

This is the people who've never been bitten. People who've never been bitten. Yeah, that's right. And it would be such a big moment when they go, you know, two of them go into the biting room and they have their first fumbling attempt at biting the person, you know? Would the show be called Chomping on the Bit? Yeah.

You're always chomping on the bit because whatever you chomp on has been bit. And it also comes in bits, right? Everything is little bits. People who come up with sayings are clever. Yeah. Is it a bit, though? It's not a bit until you've bitten into it, right?

No, but like bits, things come in bits. Oh, yeah, things do come in bits. And even if it's a full thing, it's still a bit, right? It's a bit of the much broader... We're bits of the world. Exactly, yeah. We're all bits of the great you know um fraternity of humankind right i've written down in cell island where they fuck yeah i guess i mean that would be nice

because there would be so much joy and especially if they let us see in the rooms when they're where they're doing it would you want to watch it if they didn't show you in the rooms? The rooms. Yeah, the rooms. I think I'd be very happy, even if it was like a five to ten minute mini series, like each episode for a few minutes and before, we get a clip of them being interviewed being like, oh, it fucking seems so nice, and I'd love to do it one day.

And then another one where they're like, I found someone. Yeah, that would be... And they've agreed, I've agreed and we'll see how it goes. I think we're giving incels way too much credit for how they would appear on camera. Well, maybe, you know. There's different kinds of incels. Yeah. And I reckon when they're, you know, when they're behind a laptop, they're different

to when they're in front of a camera. You know, sometimes they would just, you know, you would get to see the actual human behind it who is sad and angry, maybe. Hopefully not angry. You mean the camera person? The camera person who's behind the camera who's angry that they got roped into doing this awful show. Exactly. Maybe we need fewer incels and more involuntarily celibate people.

That's right. Okay, what about this? It's a concept for a show, right? It's Love Island, but it's not an island. What's the one where it's still attached to the mainland by a little strip of water? A little strip of land. Love Headland. No, Love Peninsula.

Other than that, it's exactly Love Island, but then the ads have to, for legal reasons, keep pointing out that it's still connected to the mainland by a small strip, by a causeway. While I love it, I think that there was a joke like that that was done in a show where that was the big reveal in The Simpsons or something like that. Are you serious? Yeah. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

We can't. Well, what about instead of the peninsula being the selling point, it's more of it changes the dynamic because Love Island, you can't swim that far. You're stuck on the island. Love Peninsula, you could leave at any time. Sure. You could walk home in theory. Yeah.

You never think about it, but I guess Love Island is essentially Love Alcatraz. Yeah. You can't escape the love. I think in some ways Alcatraz may have been the original Love Island. In some ways. In some ways. It's Love Island but set in Alcatraz? All right.

No. How about this? Friendship Island. Oh, yeah. People who are involuntarily without friends Now In friend No they'd be in loans

Like involuntarily lonely I mean this would be great For matching up You know like a bunch of genuinely lonely People who are old In loan island You don't have to put them on an island because you want them to live near each other right it could are you inventing a nursing

home if i can't if i can't do my love peninsula because that was on the symptoms you can't do nursing homes because that already is a thing alistair you can't just write down nursing homes place for old people they they already do that on the simpsons um i don't think they've done nursing homes except for grandpa grandpa is there and they got that guy um can your grandfather do this okay no but i mean look now we're just coming up with ideas for reality TV shows. But heartwarming. Okay, how can we make it funny, right? It's genuinely lonely people.

They're meeting in a community hall near where they all live. I've worked it out. I've worked it out. It's genuinely lonely people. And we say, we're going to invite you onto an island just for genuinely lonely people. And so they show up. What we don't tell them is we put them all on different islands. And so the entire show is just the reveal where the genuinely lonely person arrives on the island and realizes that there are no other people on the island and then we just film them for six months and then we let

them go back to their uh other other lonely life and we you know we get to cut between the different islands so there's still a cast of characters and we get to know their personalities but just they never interact and maybe maybe they can see other islands no maybe not maybe not but anyway it's called i mean i don't know why you would dilute the only joke about the about the idea but sure if that's what you want what about they also meet up could there be a tunnel between the islands where they can sort of hang out and play chess by a series of causeways and they catch up all the time at the cafe genuinely lonely people islands at the end they don't know yeah you put at the cafe. Genuinely lonely people islands. See, it's the z at the end. They don't know.

They can put me on an island for genuinely lonely people. It's an archipelago. I don't know what that means. It's a chain of islands. Indonesia is the world's largest archipelago. It's a fun word. It doesn't sound like it's an Indonesian word, does it? I don't think it is, but I always thought it was pronounced archipelago.

I'm going to start bringing that in. I don't think that's right. I think I read it in a project when I was 12. I think I was like, I've got it. I've sounded it out. Nothing can stop me. The first time I read antipodes. Antipodes. Yeah read antipodes right that's a real yeah antipodes yeah i think um

while we're you know uh there might there might be a sketch idea in this which is you know it could it could it could be it could very well be very successful people right with a high profile be hard to get to convince them to come on but very very well respected high profile. It would be hard to convince them to come on. But very well-respected, high-profile people with a lot to lose. We invite them onto our show. Their careers are going really well. Really well. Really well. They're top of the game.

Beloved. And then we ask them to pronounce words that they've never seen before. And then, I guess, in front of a crowd who all boo when they get it and they're all reason the crowd knows how to pronounce them well they're all grammar you know grammar types yeah you know right uh diction diction professors you know people who are part of fellowships of pronunciation you know those kinds of people. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely rip them down. You have them, oh, oh, like that, yeah.

What would we call that? Is that an island? Is it done on an island? It's a conference room. Yeah, do they all get murdered at the end? It's pronunciation nation. It's actually a whole country. Wow.

Rather than just an island. I guess it could just be like New Caledonia or something like that. Perfect. And they could just be given French words that they've never seen before. Right. You could set the successful person up, and they're full of confidence. They've got their whole life behind them and ahead of them. Oh, they know they've got a huge CV.

Oh, my gosh. They get up on stage, and they're told to read a document. It's like a jack-in-the-box. You don't know when've got a huge CV. Oh, my gosh. They get up on stage and they're told to read a document. It's like a jack-in-the-box. You don't know when it's going to come. Oh, the tension. Yeah. Waiting for the word. And then there might be a few because, I mean,

there's a chance also they'd pronounce it correctly. Yeah, but I think that adds to it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is kind of like hurdles, right? When you see them running, you know, there's one hurdle there, there's another hurdle, another hurdle. You know hurdles.

I know there's a point when there's no longer any hurdles. Yeah. Infinite hurdles, except for infinite hurdles, of course. Okay, what about this? Wait, so were you finishing? No, no, that was still just pronunciation nation, right? Yeah. Hurdles, right?

You know how you have hurdles at the Olympics? Okay. You also have walking. What about walking hurdles? Wordles. Yeah, wordles. It's wordles. And swirdles for swimming hurdles.

I think swimming hurdles is a really good idea because I would love to see those swimmers try and leap out of the water like a dolphin. Well, that's what it feels like butterfly is supposed to be. Yeah. Butterfly must have been made for leaping over something. That doesn't make sense to swim like that. It looks like a utility stroke.

And if you think about it, I think freestyle only exists in its current form because freestyle used to be do whatever you want and they just figured out what was the fastest. Yeah, it turned out everyone wanted to win. You wouldn't pick a few Olympics. Very cynical. I know.

What happened to being a good sport? What happened to the love of the game? Exactly. Those people went to butterfly. Why does that exist? Because we figured out the fastest one. Yeah. That's right.

And you should be able to do it on a horse. Swimming butterfly. No, this doesn't make sense. But I'm just saying, I'm just picturing horses jumping over something, but from within water where they can't touch the ground. I think that's really fun as well. What about... No, no, go.

What about... It's aquatic equestrian but everybody's riding a manatee oh now is the manatee there willingly see this is the problem i mean is the horse there willingly oh come on they treat this manatee like royalty yeah you've not been in the wet wet stables right yeah you don't know what it's like as they're just feet as they're feeding trying to feed salt cubes to the to the manatee as the salt dissolves like that quickly oh you sugar cubes i don't know they're in the salt water they perform in in fresh water yeah and so they have to give them salt cubes to like keep their salt levels up or else they'll die, I assume.

Oh, no. You can't keep a lot of saltwater creatures in fresh water. What about this? Unless you've got this one weird trick. Would anyone like this? It's a hearing stick. Okay? And what it is, it's to help you hear over great distances.

But it's a little stick that you put in your ear and it goes all the way in and touches your eardrum. Okay. And then you extend it out telescopically until it touches, I don't know, like a window or something like that. You know how people put a glass to the wall and listen through the glass? It's that, but with a stick, very thin stick that you insert into your ear. I've missed all this. Wait.

Cass is really on board with this one. It's a thin stick and you put it in your ear. I've missed all of this. Cass is really on board with this one. It's a thin stick and you put it in your ear. That's all I've got so far. One end touches your eardrum, the other end touches what you want to hear. You want to listen to a door or a window? It would be a great way to hear the last sound you overhear. I tell you that much.

Well, that's our slogan. It's the last sound you'll ever hear. You press it up against a door you want to make sure that that's an outward opening door so but the idea i guess you could market it positively by saying you'll never hear a sound the normal way ever again yeah like that and of course you probably never hear a sound again i think it's what oh that's what you guys already said okay so wait i thought that was your joke as well yeah ever again. Yeah. Like that. And of course, you probably never hear a sound again. I guess what, oh, that's what you guys already said. Okay.

So wait, the listening, yeah, no, it was. Sure. The listening stick? The listening stick. You just place it on your eardrum. And so it allows you to hear really well, but once.

Really well. Yeah. You get, you get, maybe it pierces your eardrum. So if you take it out. Well, you could, yeah, I suppose it could be permanently lodged in there.

And if the telescopic thing was sufficiently good, you could sort of just always have it there to telescopically. I feel like we'd need worm technology. You know, those really long worms. Worm technology. Yeah. Curl up and then just unravel, stretch out toward the sound. And then go really stiff and rigid, though, as well,

which I don't think is part of worm technology. We can adapt. We can have worms that feed on sound. We can raise them. And then when they lock onto a sound, they go straight to allow the digestion of sound into their body. This is a really good horror movie idea. Worms that feed on sound.

And so when you scream, they're more attracted to you. Lots of stiff worms ready to hear the scream. I like to picture using worm technology to kind of get more buff. I think that maybe if you, you know, it's like, so basically you kind of, it buff i think that maybe if you you know it's like so basically you kind of it's just a paste right it's just a paste and you just smear it on your tongue and your tongue's covered and it's all just worm eggs that enter through your bloodstream through your tongue vessels right okay of course and then but then they all hang out in your biceps triceps wherever those are uh leg muscles and they all hang out there and the more they the

longer they're there the more they breed and the bulkier you look and it's and it's a safer way than taking steroids so do they do they exercise the muscles for you or do they simply expand them yeah there is just the bulk of the of the worms is is what you have as muscles because what are muscles if not just long strands this is this is a great idea it's a non-surgical sort of body modification plastic surgery idea maybe you can even have a sort of a an ointment that you rub onto the parts of your body that you would like to bulk up like your butt or whatever okay and and it seeps in through your skin and that contains worm food that the worms want. So they go to those areas and they breed and thrive, you know,

so you can rub it on there and you'll get just like a big mass of writhing worms in the bicep. Yeah. You know, and those muscles, those veins in the muscles, what do they call that, like striations? Veins. Yeah, veins, yeah. You know, they already look quite a lot like worms, so I think it'll be great. Yeah, the body won't know. The body won't know. The veins, yeah. You know, they already look quite a lot like worms. So I think it'll be great. I mean... The body won't know.

The body won't know. The body will be like, oh, the muscle veins, of course. Yeah, yeah. I think you can probably take, like, you know, an injection or a pill or something like that that will suppress the immune system's response. You'll have no immune system. Yeah, yeah. But you'll have...

Mostly, it'll be difficult for any viruses or anything like that to get through all the worms to get to you probably you're creating a second skin of worms but in the muscle area yeah the worms will still have very strong immune systems so it'll be protected in that way is it one of those things where if you is it kind of like a situation like if you if you burst is that is that it? Yeah. I think, I think anytime you cut yourself, worms will come out. Yeah. But, but, but the worms will start to dry on contact. Yeah. They'll, they clot.

Their worms clot? Yeah. All these ones do. Yeah. They're quite tangled together. Oh yeah. We got clotting worms. Yeah.

Yeah. It's probably. Are they going to form a worm king in your body? Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, eventually they can probably form a super king in your body? Yeah, absolutely. Eventually they can probably form a superorganism that takes over and then you'll do more worm-like things.

Well, you could be like a – you ever watch the David Attenborough documentaries where they had the strangler fig? It's that vine-like thing that grows up around a tree and then gets thicker and thicker and then the tree dies and rots away and then you've just got this hollow shell made out of like a like vines i've seen like a mighty queensland tree trunk yeah exactly well that but with your body and worms so you'll just be a worm shell still walking around i mean it probably can still have your skin probably or you know that could just be dry worms

yeah or wet worms sure keep keep your worms wet yeah the neighbors won't know that's the thing is that you'll they'll all be completely in human form in human shape so even if you you do die away you do die it'll they'll already have you know they will have already learned how to be like a human a lot of it is worm memory it's all in worm memory that's right they can probably know how to drive

yeah work a nine to five get food and things like that just going through the motions it's like that philosophical question of you know

how many parts on the ship do you have to replace and is it still the same ship is it still the same man if you're all worm you can replace slowly it's a great philosophical question are you still the same man if you're all worms? It's a great philosophical question.

Are you still the same man if you're just a shell made out of worms? If you're dead and the body is just worms. You're still going to work. Yeah. If you're still going to work and you're still cashing those paychecks, surely you're the same man. Right from a payroll perspective, at least. I think from the point

of view of the government oh yeah they're not gonna get involved because they're still getting your tax dollars yeah and i think that's all they care about what if what if you were on welfare i feel like then you'd get a hit piece done by like chattel seven or something like that and it would be like look this isn't even a man this is just a pile of worms getting your bludgeoning on welfare and getting your tax dollars. This could be the one time where actually, yeah, people then start stepping in. Because I think if we realize that like sort of 3 to 4 million people in the 25 million people country were all worms because it was just – it was such an easy way to bulk up. And most of them were productive members of society.

and most of them were productive members of society, I think the government would find a way to show concern at this issue, but not take action straight away. Yeah. Because it's just still working. And if they lose three to four million workers, because suddenly we're banning worm people just because it was people who wanted to bulk up, and then suddenly their real physical form rotted away.

Especially if you can pay them a bit less, and they can be exploited by big business. I was going to say, no one is caring so much about the worm labour. They probably don't think. They probably just do the same thing every day.

So that way, as long as you can set up their workspace exactly the same every single day, then they can just keep living a regular life. Worm workers. Worm world. their workspace exactly the same every single day, then they can just keep living a regular life. Go on. Wormworkers. Wormworld. Worms, muscles, and wormworld. I think this is a fresh sketch up.

Really? Okay, yeah, worm. Yeah, I think Wormworld and, you know, the political and social implications of Wormworld are big. Oh, it would be a satire for sure. Oh, mate, that's got satire written all over it. I think it could be like, you know, on a sketch show, you've got a sketch.

And then later on, they come back to the sketch. But it's a different sketch. You wouldn't say, oh, the show had one sketch. No, no, no. It had that one and then another one. Well, I mean, although, Alistair, if there was just that one, they had another one. And they went away and then they came back to one

that was a continuation of the same one. I'd argue maybe they haven't even really gone away at all. Yeah, but what about when... In that situation, I would say, yeah, they probably do have one sketch. No, no, no. Just one episode. No, no. If you're watching Friends, there's an episode of Friends and then there's a break.

There's a break. And then there's another episode of Friends. Speaking of ads. Yeah, there's an ad break like that. Yeah, ads. And then there's all those episodes that you watch. Yeah. Yeah, there's an ad break like that. Yeah, ads. And then there's all those episodes that you watch where the guy gets a car and then somebody else needs to learn how to read and write. And if they want to, they should call this number.

The reading and writing hotline. How do they get money? Have you seen these ads for the reading and writing hotline? I have. And I want to know, if you can't read, does that include numbers? That's right. Because it is reading and writing, and it should include numbers probably,

because you're just not familiar with symbols. Yeah. And then it would be... What do you call the hotline? I know. And they do repeat it a lot, which is really, really good, but you'd have to have your phone in front of the TV and do some matching. 1-3-double-1-6-triple-5-0-6.

I think it's 1-3-double-0, but yeah. 1-3-double-0-6-triple-5-0-6. Reading and writing hotline. Yeah. triple five, oh six. I think it's one, three, double O, but yeah. One, three, double O, six, triple five, oh six. Reading and writing hotline. Yeah. But where are they making their money from? I don't, I don't know if they're a for-profit organization.

They're actually one of the top listed companies in Australia. Okay. They're all the ASX. Well, what about a sketch where. It's BHP, the reading and writing hotline. A for-profit reading and writing hotline then you find out they're doing shady stuff by just like trying to boost illiteracy yeah

totally well and they charge you per word that you learn right or they'll teach you the first half of a sentence but then if you want to know how to end the sentence then the cost goes up astronomically uh it's like subscription based but the free trial is only, you know, you get the first half of Canada Hat. It's freemium. The first half of Canada Hat where everything goes wrong and you don't get to see the bit at the end where he fixes everything before the mum comes home. So you're just on tender hooks.

Yep. This would be a great thing to do with your kids. If kids had money, it would be such a good. For-profit kids. For-profit kids. If kids had money, it would be such a good- For-profit kids. For-profit kids. A way to get money out of your kids by not telling, by saying I'm not going to read you the end of the story of the cat in the hat until-

Is that another sketch idea? Yeah, another sketch idea. Yeah, trying to make money off your children. Exactly. You get them ads, right? But you're not allowed to touch that great ad money. And so you get them ads. And so then you start charging them for stuff.

And so yeah, it's like, oh, you want to know how this – you want me to do the rhyming? You want me to do the rhymes on this? You start reading the books. Like you read The Gruffalo or something like that and you fuck up the last word of every rhyme. Yeah. It's just so unsatisfying at any time, right? And then – If you want the real rhyme. If you want the real rhyme.

If you want the real rhyme. It's five bucks. It's five bucks. And sometimes they nap three times a day. Yeah. And so you could be making bank. Keep harvesting that cash. This brings me to another idea, dadvertising.

Oh, yes. Where you can get paid to promote products to your own children. Well, I think that's a premium because that's getting them young. That's getting them young. You're in a position of authority, a position of trust. And I think in particular if you're in a co-parenting situation where you've separated and potentially you're – I mean this is maybe politically not great,

but you as the dad and be getting the money by promoting the products to your children then when they go and stay at their mom's house she's the one that has to buy them maybe maybe her and her and her new husband for divorce dad husband craig divorce advertising Divorced dad. Husband Craig. Divorced advertising. Divorced dad income stream. You find a way. You plug the product just before you drop them off to your mother's place and Craig. These are the softest marshmallows you could ever have melt in your mouth. Yeah.

Maybe if you're good at sport, your mum will buy them for you. Ask Craig about the new Transformers Yeah That's all And then you're getting, you know, I guess And when Craig buys it, use the code Get him to use the code ANDY47 Yeah, and you know what I like? I also picture that there's a guy who's from the divorced advertising agency who is watching through this guy's glasses and he's in this guy's ear and he goes, good boy, Michael.

Good boy. Like that. Oh, that's nice. Because it's a support network for divorced dads as well. Everybody's winning in this one. Yeah. Especially the kids because they get access to a range of high-quality products. Absolutely.

And they are so susceptible to advertising. They love – my kid literally tried to sell me the reading and writing hotline. It was working. We're on 35. Like somehow – I've never seen these ads for the reading and writing hotline. So do they somehow make it look appealing? never seen these ads for the reading and writing hotline so do they somehow make it look appealing what's the appeal

of the reading and writing hotline it's certainly an old cartoon yeah it's a cartoon yeah it looks like it kind of looks like it's

is it advertised to adults who are illiterate or is it advertised to kids it's for adults who want help but it's done in a form of cartoon

that feels a little condescending well you know you gotta you gotta use visual communication but I think it's a similar the form of a cartoon. That feels a little condescending. Well, you've got to use visual communication. But I think it's a similar cartoon style to what those Red Bull ads used to be. Red Bull gives you wings! Yeah. Oh, sure.

Those were weird. I think the person had a triangle face. And I do remember the ads. They animated it really well. The person looked stressed that they needed help. But then they got help and it was nice. Yeah. Yeah. I thought they were okay and everyone knows them and it does very well know them and if you don't know how to read or write please reach out to them we don't know if they're in for profit for profit or

not um there is also the possibility that maybe they would charge you per word that you use after that maybe they're like okay well we'll give you this we'll actually rent you language and then they could keep you on the hook as a subscription're like, okay, well, we'll give you this. We'll actually rent you language. And then they could keep you on the hook as a subscription service, like you kind of mentioned earlier. Just the idea that your subscription service bounces. Maybe you've just changed cars. Maybe you've changed banks. It slipped your mind. That's right.

Then just you go to call them and be like, oh, hey, can I fix this up? You can't read anymore. Words. You can't do the numbers anymore. You're like, oh, no. Tell you what it is. I reckon that the standard package, which is free, is they'll give you all the nouns, okay, and all the verbs.

But as soon as you want an adjective, that's when they start charging you. Oh, it does get fancy. Yeah. And I suppose once you've started reading, you're probably going to get access to a lot more adjectives that you're going to want to throw in. Yeah. Spectacular.

Things like that. Oven ready. Oh, they really will be tender words. You know those classic adjectives like oven ready. I wonder if oven ready is in the dictionary. I thought of an idea, which is, you know, so, you know, there's a lot of kind of like fintech companies around these days you know it's new banking uh that you know will just happen through apps and it's you know it might use the blockchain or something like that right yeah a lot of these things it's about reducing costs so you're there's no not really that many people working right but

this one is a loan agency but it's just an app called Loner or something like that. Great. Loner. It's just L-O-N-E-R. Sure. Great. And they're all on an island. Yeah, yeah. So it's Loner and they – but what they do is if you don't pay them back, they call you up and they – well, it's just a robot voice and it tells you to break your own legs.

Right? And if it doesn't, then it will pay somebody else who also owes money. Right? That's great. A discount on their debt to break your legs. It's a decentralized loan shark thing. Is that what you already said? Decentralized? No, no, I didn't say it.

No, no. But that's really good. So like a loan school of fish. Yeah. A loan. What is a school of fish but a decentralized shark do you read did you was it a show or a children's book where like that's such a great what is a school of fish i can't handle it i like how alistair we're sitting under our own names but if this was a movie poster

you know how on movie posters they never actually put the actor's name over have you noticed that? the names and then the faces never put the name over the actual face of the person because I imagine what? because that feels too much like they're explaining who the person is and you should already

know because they're a big star I thought that some movie posters are alphabetical order and most of them are the order of either famous or how big the character is. So I think in some movie posters, it's aesthetically more pleasing to arrange the people in a different order to how famous they would be. It would be very funny to arrange people in...

You know when you take photos of kids and they're all in height order? how famous they would be. It would be very funny to arrange people in, like, you know when you take photos of kids and they're all in height order? You've got an Ocean's Eleven and you're like, okay, we're going to go, and you put everyone in famous order? But I also think putting them in height order is very cute because I think that's a thing that a lot of the time in Hollywood, they don't want you to know how high everyone actually is relative to everybody else. I think even if we could just get everyone in Hollywood, they don't want you to know how high everyone actually is relative to everybody else.

I think even if we could just get everyone in Hollywood to line up in height order, that would be really informative. It would be hard to get Tom Cruise on board because I don't think he would like to be a part of that lineup. But they still wouldn't tell you how tall they are. They wouldn't tell you how tall they are. They're just lining up everybody in Hollywood. Sure. They could all be taller than us. And we'll pay them all a billion dollars. That way you can get them all on board really good let's fundraise for this all right as a globe let's see if we could get you know um an international

fund sort of like we would do to fight climate change but we're not doing that so instead we'll just find out relatively how tall everyone is. Yeah, there you go. It would be good to maybe if you could have a service. So you get everyone to line up and it's not as schmick as Madam Tussauds or whatever but you've got height charts. So you get all the celebrities that line up in height order. You'd get their height orders. You have them on a big wall.

It's like the Cathy Freeman exhibition at the museum. They have all the different Cathy Freemans in order of height. Yeah, when you run and you chase Cathyathy freeman but kathy's not there yeah um so you've got all the hide on us so you can go for a walk and like you can you can find out who's which celebrity you are as tall as or taller than oh it's really imagine like going for a walk and you're walking along a scale thing and then eventually it goes ding when you hit someone the same way oh yeah cool it's really satisfying that would be cool and they could do that with lasers probably laser measuring yeah especially if they're shooting their around sort of at about head height yeah that's really

good for a laser um maybe from above yeah anyway but i guess so you kind of fluctuate when you walk i know i have a real a real balance a jaunty gate especially when i'm getting to see all of the hollywood stars throughout history or maybe maybe you go on a conveyor belt and then it's like oh that's good the conveyor belt's quite old and kind of worn down like that um also maybe with a billion dollars we'll be able to justify because because a lot of celebrities, they want to be seen to be charitable. So a lot of them will donate a lot of their billion, maybe $800 million, maybe $500 million. And then they'll put it towards climate change. That would be great.

That would be much nicer. Imagine starting that off and being like, we'll pay you a billion dollars. And the celebrity is like, oh, geez, it's too much. I'm going to get taxed a lot on that, yeah. But this is a really good, I think this is a great way to solve climate change. If we just tricked everyone into thinking that we were getting the money to find out how tall celebrities are and then it's like money laundering

where we're just relying on the fact that a lot of celebrities are concerned about the environment. 20% to 70% of that money is going to fight its way into worthwhile causes. And it turns out that's actually the easiest way to get this thing paid for. Because you can't get everyone to agree on climate change. No, no, no. But you can get everyone to agree on wanting to know how tall people are. It is odd.

Charity laundering? Yes. Charity laundering. Yes. Exactly. I'm going to write that down as a different idea. Charity laundering. Great.

Tricking people into donating to charity. Yeah. By making them think we're just giving billions of dollars to celebrities. They'll be much more happy with that. Yeah. We give them the burden of wealth. Maybe you could do that too. You'd have to already have a bit of money to know that a bit more

would be excessive. So maybe celebrities have too much. But if you've got enough money to be like, oh, goodness, any more than this, I'm already living so well. Sure. Has anyone ever said that? I heard it. I heard it as i started talking

yeah i have i have heard it before as well yeah yeah just like oh no no one's getting more money and being like oh come on yeah good what am i gonna do with all this um i didn't hear this because i was right you were you weren't paying attention i'm so sorry no it's fine you've got you've got a job to do you're the You're the only one here who's actually... Who's here working. Working, yeah. Working that wrist. How's that wrist going?

Oh, yeah, not too... It's actually just getting warmed up now. I was thinking about a new type of thing. Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah, yeah. That'll be good for this, actually. Okay, great. What it is, it's a kind of strip, right?

That's very sticky on one side, but on the other side, it's Teflon, okay? And it would be great for people who are typers. You just stick some down the inside of your wrists, right? And then maybe you could get bigger ones for sort of inside your thighs. So you stick them on. They stick very well to your skin, but then they help your skin to slip against each other, okay?

Maybe you put some under your arms. Are there any deodorants that are also lubricating, you know, so that your arms can really slip like this? Yeah, yeah. And move a lot faster, I would presume. Oh, yeah, I like that. Nobody has tried, apart from one particular quite famous area, nobody has tried lubricating parts of the body as far as I'm aware.

It's true. Lube has been quite... Underutilized. Yeah, underutilized. It's true. Lube has been quite... Underutilized. Yeah, underutilized. It's been used for sex and for engines. Yes, but lots of parts of the body have to move, very often in close proximity to other parts of the body. And what was the body's solution to this?

Hair. I think they put hair there as a kind of lubing thing. That's another thing I've got to deal with, you know? Exactly. I've got to comb it. I've got to condition it. Not like with my self-lubricating Teflon glue strips. And if we use a hair-removing lube,

then we can get rid of that hair that's inefficient and either put this lube or just Teflon strips. You want slippery nare. Eh? Slippery nare. Slippery nare? Is that hair removal cream nare, yeah. Where's that hair removal cream? Oh, okay, right.

You put it on and then it burns all your hair away and then you rinse it off? Wow. I used that in, like, when I was at uni. And I was like, I don't know, I think I might have stolen it. I don't know, I think I paid for it. I paid for it. Paid for it. Anyway, but I remember using it and being like why am i doing this but like

it was in a time of just a body i'm wondering why are you doing this it was in a time of body image anxiety which bits of your body i don't remember exactly tell me which bits i don't remember exactly but it would have definitely been some kind of pubic pubic area but why would i i wouldn't use it on the... I don't know what circles you were moving in, Alistair, but I have never once felt pressure to remove any of my pubic hair. I guess at the time there was the possibility of having sex with someone. Yeah, OK. Well, that's never been a problem for me.

So that would be it. Haven't you been curious as to what smoothness would feel like? Yeah. I would recommend giving it a go. I felt curiosity, but I wouldn't count that as pressure. No, that's fair enough. I think it's very tempered by the idea that I think, which I don't even know if this is true,

but then like hair growing back thicker. Is that true? No, so your hairs are pointed at the top and thicker at the bottom. So if you shave or cut off the hair. You've got a blunt end. It's a blunt end. Right, okay, so can hairs are, you know, pointed at the top and thicker at the bottom. So if you shave or cut off the hair. You've got a blunt end. It's a blunt end. Right. Okay.

So can we sell this? It's a pencil sharpener for pubic hairs. Perfect. And by pubic hair, by pubic hair, once you've shaved them and they're growing back, you can go around, you know, maybe it's, maybe they're. Just to make them thin again. Making them thin. You're just. Working it down to peach fuzz.

Exactly. That'd be really nice. So you've got your hairs coming back and you're like, oh, you know what? Don't love the feeling of no hair down there, but I would like it thin. And instead of going in with the thinning scissors, who's got the time? You just go in with the sharp. Individually pencil sharpened. I mean, eventually you could probably move to nanobots that do this for you.

Nanobots, great. Everybody loves the sensation of tiny little skittery things crawling over their genitals. It's just a jar of nanobots that do this for you. Nanobots. You know, it's probably, everybody loves the sensation of tiny little, but think about this crawling over their genitals, just a jar nanobots. And you just go into the, you know, into the, you know,

you might do it while watching TV or whatever, and you pour it over your head and it just, they crawl all over you and they just sharpen down all of your hairs. So you get a nice peach fuzz like that. You'd be soft and downy. Exactly. It'd be like touching a rabbit. Yeah. Depending on how much and downy. Exactly. You'd be like touching a rabbit, depending on how much hair you have.

I would say, when I was younger, and I found out how strong ants were, and then I got older and got the pressure of body hair, I was like, if only there were a way to train ants to all at once crawl all over your body and just yank it out. Because if every ant yanked it out at once, yeah, you'd get like that, you know when you pluck a hair and it's almost like like wavy pain for a bit but it'll go away sure then you'll be smooth for so long and then so many ants get a job yeah and if they're all

i mean this is such a normal thought for somebody to have and i love it i just like the image right before right before the plucking happens and you're absolutely covered in ants because i was like that's gonna solve the problem of the blunt end how and i have just learned about how strong ants are big 12 rules yeah yeah i'm like i fixed it all we need to do is train the air and if we get it done while we're 12 we're not covered in that many hairs yeah you know as many hairs and i think it's like it's rather than trying to shave or wax it all in one go it's this ongoing maintenance right it's like having um sheep to keep the grass down at your house uh instead of mowing the lawn yeah

right it's just that but just you have a colony of ants now i hate to put this out there okay but do the ants live on your body at all times no so. So in my mind, it was like a service you would go in for. So you'd go in for, I think the average life cycle of a hare is about six weeks. Yeah. So you go in every six weeks. Yeah. Now, I know that ants sometimes crawl all over you and then they let out a scent and then they all bite you together. Right?

Oh, no, I didn't know that. Because we know that they can communicate. We know that they can communicate and signal each other to do this. So it's not that far for an ant wrangler, probably dressed as a queen ant, to train an ant colony to then just, instead of bite, pull and extract. Do you mind me writing down this part of your life here? Oh, please, please go. I'm glad that it's finally getting some use, you know?

Yeah. I just want to mention that I thought of something before while Andy was talking about... Actually, while you were talking about hairs continuously getting thicker, I want to take us forward, you know, let's say 300 years where people have maybe not necessarily become immortal, but they can live extra long periods of time. And now their hairs are...

Well, Cass, I should clarify. Cass said that that isn't what happens. Oh, right. But I still... No, I want to explore this. I mean, we could explore the incorrect belief that hairs do just keep getting thicker. I could be wrong. We don't know.

Carry on. Yeah. And so I think enough people believe that this is true, including me until just then, that you could picture people 350 years old who have sort of inch-thick hairs covering their bodies. I've never realized it, but this has always been one of my fears. Especially the ones coming out of your face. That's why it would be even more unpleasant to speak to elderly people. That feeling of pulling a hair out, if it's that big.

Get that root out as well would be satisfying, but it would be just like, you wouldn't let yourself. Also, just looking at what it would be like if you shaved that or you cut that however you would have to cut it, just looking at the stump there with the skin around it, the very idea of a follicle that is that size is so unpleasant. And what would it even look like? Just imagine getting an ingrown hair.

You could probably feed people with it. I don't even really know what ingrown hairs are. It's a hair of girls not out, but in. Yep. Okay. Great. Thank you, Alistair. So I think what happens is the hair tries to grow out of the skin,

but it gets blocked for some reason. So maybe you've got dead skin there still, so you shaved it and then it hits dead skin. It just goes back down again. I'm going back into my hole oh not a good day and then it's it gets what sore swollen infected all that sort of stuff yeah sometimes there's pus under there sometimes yeah things like that i think you know sometimes it just becomes a sore spot i think it's it's really interesting that andy like doesn't have some some basic medical things that actually you

almost don't believe in right yeah yeah so like andy doesn't believe that massages do anything can work no even though there's obviously a great there can be a great sensation that just comes automatically there isn't even therapeutic so what what do you think massages do that you think they don't do uh well i i mean what is the benefit you think you don't get from a massage uh well i just don't think that rubbing can achieve anything right but have you had those ones where have you ever felt a knot in someone's back no i see i also don't believe that knots are real i don't believe you've never felt a knot in someone's back because you can feel them no i've never felt a knot in somebody's back and i don't believe... So you've never felt a knot in someone's back because you can feel them. No, I've never felt a knot in somebody's back.

And I don't believe that knots are a thing. I don't see what you could possibly be talking about. But do you picture a muscle that's been tied into a knot like that? Certainly that's what is evoked by it. But no, I have a broader... I'm incapable of imagining things beyond that. I'm not changed to meaning like that. But I think... so what is it?

It's a bit of muscle that somehow is all bunched up and lumpy? Does muscle do that? My knowledge does end there. I have no idea what it is. But you can feel it. I think it's usually just like a traffic jam in the worms. You guys are willing to admit what you don't know, whereas I am willing to say that what I don't know doesn't exist.

That's brave. I like this idea because a lot of people will just say like chiropractors are full of shit. But I think the real brave people are the people who are saying that all medical practitioners who know anything about muscles are full of shit. That's also not what I said. Physiotherapists. Nobody calls a masse, a medical professional. No? No, because they're called massage therapists.

Thank you. Thank you, exactly. That was my point. You can put therapist after any word, and it makes it sound like you work in the medical field. A handshake therapist. That does sound remedial. Okay, there's a sketch in this.

Yeah, boulevard therapist. I mean, but given that businessmen, you know, and I'm using businessmen specifically to refer to men who do business. Okay. None of these people are women. None of them. And I think for a lot of them, the only way that they feel comfortable making physical contact is probably

through handshakes. the only way that they feel comfortable making physical contact is probably through handshakes. So let's come up with a business massage that's done all through handshakes. So they'll feel very comfortable about it. They don't even have to feel like they're going to a massage therapist because what you'll be is you'll just be someone dressed as if you're dressed for business, and you might have a little sort of a

little red square or something on you somewhere so people know that you're but it's not it's not over like a laser like from a sniper yeah it's a dot roving on your forehead okay and then that people know that you're a you're you're a massage therapist they can go up to you without without displaying weakness in any way they can go up to you you in the workplace or maybe at a sort of a breakout area or a food court near the – but a classy food court near – Like the highest end. Oh, my God. This is like a Michelin star food court, okay?

And a degustation food court. Go to a different place for each of the ten. Exactly. And then you get a little polystyrene, right? And you shake hands and they do some stuff just there in the wrist while you're shaking hands. And it looks perfectly normal to everyone around. I think that they could also do it like this.

So they could do this and they can also go, you know. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like that. And they fix all their problems you could have some you could have a handshake as well because if if maybe you're going there specifically to alleviate touch starvation oh yeah if you are a businessman yeah you that's all that's the only touch you're getting so you go into the office and and maybe

it's maybe it's the company's deals officer and he might do that thing where you shake his hand, and as he shakes his hand, he keeps talking. So it's like, yeah, have you been good? Have good kids? And you sit and be like, yes, everything's good. Look at that. He's just like, ah. He's working you over.

Oh, and you go away from that handshake, and you're just gelling. Absolutely manhandled. Yeah. But suddenly that crick in your neck is gone. Now, you know how I'm really excited about getting the glory hole as a method of service delivery for other forms of things? Food delivery glory hole. Sure.

I mean, that's what you get in prison. I know, but I'm thinking about while you're going to a public toilet. It's a glory slot. Well, unless you're putting through us you know some some noodles or something like that like a single noodle think about that it's a glory hole right where you're going to the but it's tiny public toilet single single and you can just drink a whole bowl of ramen like sucking a wet noodle through a tiny hole in a public toilet. Is that what it is? I know, but you went there for it.

So, yeah, sure, there is some toilet. There is some toilet involved, right? But you went into this knowing that it was a great hole in the wall. There's a whole rule about not shitting where you eat. I know, but... But it's a no shitting rule. I know, but that's the... There's a sign that says no shitting.

No, no, no. I don't want to put restrictions on people. Oh, sorry. What about you have variations in whole size? You might have your entree could be like a bread roll, but it's like a tiny baguette, so you eat that. Your main is that one, and then dessert can be a banana. Yeah.

What have you thought of? What's happening? For some reason, I picture it to be a Japanese place, so there's tempura coming through one slot and there's that. And they're popping through edamame through one. Then you just go. Like that, you've got to catch it. I'm just saying that if I went into a public toilet and there was a banana-sized glory hole in the wall,

I'm not sure if I would immediately think banana's going to come out of this. I don't think. What about if it were hot dog size? Ah, well, okay. There's no shitting allowed on patches that's unpleasant there's no shitting allowed on the on the cooking side of the wall right and that's that's their that's their motto i hear what you're saying but there are holes in the wall yeah there's holes on the other side of the wall positively pressured on that side so all the wall. You should be able to shoot on the other side of the wall. It's positively pressured on that side, so all the air is bursting through.

All you're getting is... That means the food shoots. Eh? If it's pressurized, that means they shoot foots at you. Yeah, they could. The shoot foots? Did you say the shoot foots? The shoot the foots.

I said the shoot foots. I'm going to go drink a little bit more of my melted McDonald's ice. Melted McDonald's ice? Yeah. I got a success orange juice this morning. We had a real panic this morning. We're like, look, we have to eat something

obviously really unhealthy before we start this massive task. You've got to trick your body while your mind's getting addled. Exactly. And then the first place we went to was closed. We're like, we didn't know these shops closed. So then we had to drive much further away and that's why we started a little bit late.

We went from a drive-thru to a drive-to. All other restaurants are drive-to restaurants. Yeah. Is this a public service announcement? I don't know why the president feels the need to explain this the president my fellow americans he's explaining to australians my fellow australians people who you know our our countries have been friends for so many years and

our bond is connected through blood and charity and mateship, and he uses that Australianism. So you know he's like, oh. He's one of us. He gets it. I'm here today to announce to you that while some restaurants are drive-thru, it has come to my attention that all the other restaurants are drive-tos. Thank you very much. And then it goes to hail to the chief and a nice picture of the presidential seal.

I'm writing it down. I mean, that's all I could think. That's the worst game ever. And then I was like, I wonder if there's a presidential walrus. And I thought, I won't even say it. I won't even say it. Drive twos.

And now I said it. You gave me an opening and I thank you. Thank you. You've set it opening, and I thank you. Thank you. You've set it up. And also with you. With that, I think my time is up. I think I must away and leave you in the sketches. You've given us so much.

Thank you. You've given this podcast life. And for coming in so early. Yeah. Thank you for having me so early. Nobody would in their right mind do this. And so we appreciate that you using Reasonable insanity

You came here and you did this for us Made my wrong mind but happy to help Much appreciated Cass I think we got to know your wrong mind Would you like to promote anything Or would you like to promote even yourself Say your Twitter or anything Promote myself

My name's Cass and I'm doing really well at the moment Or would you like to promote even yourself? Say your Twitter or anything? Promote myself. I can't imagine there's that many people. My name's Cass and I'm doing really well at the moment. Cass! Yeah, and I've just been given a promotion. Yay! Director of Sales, Asia Pacific Region. Yeah. Asia specific reason.

Reason. Have you actually been promoted in some regard? No, I was just promoting myself then and i thought it meant i should get i can get more money now you're allowed to give me more money i would love that please please can anybody wouldn't it be great if we had cash like just 50 dollars yes thank you for coming on the show reach into a bucket yeah what are those old plastic bags just old like like a no they're only thin ones they banned yeah those are gonna become a retro item and we know that they're never gonna like but they'll be you know what in the future they'll be like a real classic

you know oh they have them in takeaway shops still and then you have them in your house and you're like should i pick up dog and it's like you know it's like oh should i use this on my lunch you go no no i gotta save this for pick up dog shit? And it's like, oh, should I use this on my lunch? You go, no, no, no. I've got to save this for picking up dog shit. Or someplace. But they've written, please reuse me on the side, which I think is great. And I think that will solve ocean plastic.

Yeah, I think a cool part about these ones is that they've introduced the Red Cycle program so that you can recycle plastic. But they can't have single use anymore. So any plastic bag they produce has to be thicker and have more plastic. It's clever. they did it less plastic but it's it there's more of it when you do have it there's more of it yeah there's less of it overall in numbers but in volume there's much more you you were trying to leave and we haven't let you yeah thank you so much good luck um may your 300th

be the funniest i I hope so. I hope so. We're at now 45. We're at 45. This is a good chunk for the first two hours. This is a good pace. And honestly, we've got to keep this up, Al. We can't afford to slow down for a second.

No. So hang on. If you keep up this pace. Oh, my God. We haven't even thought about it and we can't bring ourselves. That would be 15 hours. But there's no possible way we could keep up Imagine if we did a better time

than we did for the 200th episode That can't be done though, can't be done Maybe, let's just dream Let's dream, dream a little dream We're not even allowed to use that song, now we're being charged, now we're losing money Hand over fist out of a plastic bag Thank you so much, have a beautiful day

Thank you very much. Have a beautiful day, guys. Thank you very much, Cass. Bye. Goodbye. Hand over fist. Do you picture it like this? That's how I picture it. Delivering money. Hand over fist. This isn't used for anything. It feels like it.

I mean, is this the Auslan for a garbage bin? It feels, yeah. It could be a... I mean, is this the Auslan for a garbage bin? It feels... Yeah, it could be toilet. Toilet. Toilet. Toilet really is... Your face could be the cistern.

What about this? A flushable... No, but hand over fist. Let's just write something that's a sketch with hand over fist. We're giving them money hand over fist.

And then... I mean, it's a cutaway. It might not be a sketch but it's definitely a cutaway. And I think of that as a microscopic sketch. So in... We're giving them money hand over fist, and then we cut away, and you're handing somebody.

You're going like this to someone, and then you open up like that, and there's a little rolled up $100 note there in your hand. Hand over fist. Now, how about this, Alistair? It's a flushable garbage bin. Now, I think it's going to put a real strain on the sewage and septic system. But I was thinking just then that a garbage bin and a toilet are so similar. They've got that lid system.

You should also have a throwoutable bin. Toilet. You should have. Oh, Alistair. I mean, that's horrific. We actually have a new guest arriving right now. What? Is it Evan Munro-Smith?

Yeah, it's Evan Munro-Smith. Evan Munro-Smith, my God. Hello. I've actually been here for a while. Yeah. Yeah, Evan set up everything. Evan has been here longer than us. Oh, my god! Hello! I've actually been here for a while. Yeah, Evan set up everything. Evan has been here longer than us. Oh my god, thank you. And he was here a lot of yesterday

setting up all of this shit. Yeah. Look at all this. But um, but it's worth it because it means I can sort of chill out for today mostly. Wow, that's really nice because you normally can't even mentally allow yourself to have some time off. I don't know if i will be able to do that yeah yeah i'll be paranoid there's something you'll go wrong oh here with this yeah so so the but through the but through the but

through the paranoia you find relaxation uh you find an inner calmness? I think I do. Strangely. Oh, damn. If something gives you paranoia, is it paranoing? Very interesting question. I mean, it's weird now that there's nobody... Nobody controlling anything. They're controlling anything. It is completely... Yeah.

If anybody knows, it seems like it's switching. It seems like somebody's making that. It does seem like it's switching, doesn't it? It is, yeah. It seems like it's going from camera to camera seem like it's switching, doesn't it? It is, yeah. It seems like it's going from camera to camera, but that's just all voice activated. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. So this is its technology doing its thing.

And so now you're talking, and then now I started talking, and then it switched to me. And now you're talking. Yeah. And now you're talking. You see? Hang on a minute. Now we're both talking? No.

Anyway. If anybody's watching, I don't know why you'd be interested in this, but Evan and I are talking about starting a 24-hour news channel using exactly this technology. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wouldn't that be good? Just for the duration of the next federal election here.

I mean, I think this is what's wrong with a lot of the TV industry these days. It's too much automation putting people out of work. But are we starting a news channel because we have too much work or because we don't have enough work? I think we're starting... I think it's okay if the only person that you're putting out of work is Evan and he's going to be in front of the camera anyway. Yeah, that's okay.

Posting a nightly news show, which has always been his dream. Do you follow the news? Yes. Where to? Okay. Alistair. Did not back that idea at all. What about this?

Okay. It's a thing called night news. And it's only news that happens. It only tells you things that happen at night. Nightly news. And I guess the broadcast would have to be sometime in the morning. It tells you things that happen overnight. What we do is we divide all of human existence into two shifts. We have a human day shift and a human night shift. and we become we work on becoming basically uh separate totally separate societies okay with our own languages our own laws

okay and then the night people can have their own news about things that happened overnight yeah and so it would be like so they've got their own law so it'd be like, so they've got their own law. So it'd be like, 10 people were murdered last night, which is fine and legal in the nighttime. Exactly. And we're telling you because the system is working. The night population control system is working. Yeah. Can I ask, how do you separate?

How do you decide which one you're in? Well, I guess you make a choice. Right. And it would be like you're not allowed to cross certain borders. Like into darkness. So like vampires. Yeah. You can't be in the sunlight if you're a vampire.

Exactly. So it's a sort of a curfew. We have a sort of a double curfew system. Or if you're a day person, I think this is a great comic book. You've got the day people and the night people. And the day people, if you're up after a certain amount of time, the night people are allowed to kill you. And the same. Oh, wow.

Other way around. Right. And that's how we get numbers down on population. Finally. For to help us with climate change. Yeah. And maybe, you know, maybe we do. Maybe we do shifts.

You know, maybe instead of seasons, night and and day maybe we swap over so that at different times of year you have to go to the night shift and you have to become a night person just so that the night people get to see the sun sometimes yeah that would be nice for them wouldn't it then why are they night people we're not cruel don't they get to see the sun reflected in the moon isn't that enough for you all right what what if you just split the day differently so that it was midnight to midday? Then everybody gets half day, half night. That's a really good idea. You get some sun, you get some night.

But it's not as iconic. Yeah, it's not as fun, is it, for your comic book? It's not going to play into the aesthetic. That makes it more even. But then also, there's the benefit know if it's just light and dark um then during the summer the the day people get way more time yeah you know and then in the you know and then the winter the night people get way more time yeah but then we switch it over so that during the winter maybe the night people are allowed to let out during the day but it's a shorter day because they're a second class of

people for some reason. Alistair, if you're happy with something about that and you've written something down, I have another idea. I have. Another one? All right. You didn't even finish that last one. We don't have time to finish ideas. Did you write down what was your garbage one before I sat down?

Flushable garbage bin? I want to picture how it's doable. It's like a little kitchen toilet. Yeah. And you put stuff in there and then you flush it. It's a kitchen toilet. Flushed away. It's like a garbage disposal like they would have in America, maybe?

Yeah. Oh, so it's not... Hang on. You're not flushing the garbage bin. It's a garbage can, but there's water in the bottom. Yeah. And then you just put the garbage in there and it takes the stuff away. Right, okay.

So it's just like a warming nightmare. It's like a garbage bin that you can put in the toilet and flush away. That's what I thought. Wow, that's a really good idea. I've sometimes thought that binbags are one of the, possibly one of the only things that you buy just to throw away.

That's interesting. But is your suggestion a flushable beanbag? So that we stop people just throwing them away. No, but I'm really... You could flush most of the inside

of a beanbag. Those beans would flush real nice. Why are we talking about beanbags? I was talking about beanbags. They would be impossible to flush inside of a beanbag. Those beans would flush real nice. Why are we talking about beanbags? I was talking about beanbags. They would be impossible to flush. Oh, not impossible.

What you'd need to do, individually, like the mafia does when they're dumping people in the bay, individually you'd need to wrap each one in chicken wire and then set it in concrete before you could flush it. Or you could just tie a little bit of string to each one with a rock attached to it, like that, and then throw it in like that with a little sign that says

sleeping with the fishes. I don't know if they do the sign in the mafia. A sign? Alistair, do you think that is there anything in a mafia person dumping somebody into the Mariana Trench, right? A body into the Mariana Trench, body into the mariana trench yeah say he's sleeping with the fishes but he's spelling fishes f-i-double-s-u-r-e-s as in the double s

fish like a fishers what no no fisher like a fisher being like a crack yes okay yes yes yes in the a fisher in the earth's crust. Sleeping with the fissures. Yeah, I guess you could also do that places where lava's coming out. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Does the Mariana Trench not have that kind of stuff? No, no, I would imagine. You know what, Andy? You know what, Andy? I'm going to accept.

I think we're going to allow single pun sketch ideas. Baby! Okay. So this was my idea from earlier. Yeah. Yes. Sorry. I was thinking about everybody has a worst flaw, right?

A worst thing about you. And I was thinking, what if everybody had that tattooed in between their butt cheeks? Had their worst flaw? Their worst flaw tattooed in between their butt cheeks. Their worst flaw? Their worst flaw tattooed in between their butt cheeks. Yeah. I don't get it, but it's really working for me. Yeah, great. And what it is is that if your relationship with somebody

has progressed to the point where they're looking in between your butt cheeks, I think that's a great time for them to learn your worst flaw. Yeah. Because I think it's like um it's like a a feedback mechanism um whereby if the relationship it obviously things are going well yeah for them to be looking in between well there's a chance though that that people will see in between somebody's butt cheeks and it'll just say i keep showing strangers in between my butt cheeks. And that will be the flaw that is there.

Yeah, possibly. There's also, you know, what if there are like, you know, medical scenarios where, you know, a doctor needs to look in between your butt cheeks. Well, it's, you know, they're a medical professional, unlike a masseur. Right. A therapist. But like confidentiality there what if it said like you know i'm really violent towards medical professionals well that would be a problem for you then that would be a real problem no but i think even that is good right

because they need to know and i mean i just pity all the warning pity all the medical professionals who don't get to look in between people's butt cheeks and don't get to find that kind of stuff out before it's too late. Before it's too late, yeah. Yeah. That's one that I hate finding out too late. I love learning that one right on time or even early if possible. Early if possible. Yeah.

I mean, you know, but that's the thing is that you could – that's the surprise about the wedding night, you know, the wedding night. You're looking between their butt cheeks and you find out that their worst flaw is actually not so bad you know i only wet the bed every six years once every six years something like that yeah right you know obviously they're marrying somebody quite old so that they could get this make sure that this pattern maybe 36 or something like that you know maybe 42 yeah well is this something you would have to update regularly um cross out yeah i guess if you get a worse if you get a worse one uh i'm quite yeah i'm or if you you know self-improvement it's you you get over that it's no longer a floor yeah yeah so then you could get laser stuff done in between your butt oh that sounds awful i think this would also be a really good thing for pirates because a lot of the time the pirates will tattoo their treasure chest,

treasure map on their back. Or I remember in Yellowbeard, it was tattooed under the boy's hair. So they cut his hair off. You could see the map there. But I think all of those places are much more likely to become visible in the course of you know your your your day-to-day pirating than in between your butt cheeks yeah nobody really wants to especially a pirate who i can't imagine their their their crack uh sanitation is that good

i mean i don't think there's that many people who are interested in uh sleeping with that fisher that's good yeah um uh what about the uh the cracked 50 guys wow what time is it i realized we're in a place where there there's no clock in here there is there is clock on the roof well there is a clock there but it cycles through when the time's wrong. What's wrong by an hour? I think daylight savings threw it off. So is it 20 past eight or something is what it is, I guess.

Yeah. Look, this is good count so far. It's really good. But, you know, that's the fresh mind for you. That's the fresh mind. We can't get excited. We can't allow this to get us excited. Because imagine this, if it was shorter than the 100th episode oh i don't even want to dream my um my children are apparently watching over breakfast

ah well i hope we've covered some topics that i feel great about them saying yeah hello finn and alo and remy um so was the butt crack tattoo was that 50? Butt crack tattoo, yeah Worst flaws tattooed between butt cheeks And I think every 50 there usually is a butt crack Kind of sketch anyway So now I think instead of Because at the moment the anniversaries

Are different types of Gifts that you give I think for the different anniversaries In a marriage You should show them different types of you know gifts that you give i think for the different anniversaries in a marriage you should show them different bits of your body yeah okay so so it's like so like you'd eventually run out bits that nobody looks into though like stuff i guess into that's you know like ear canals my my beloved i don't think has seen inside my ear canals yeah and that's i am saving that for, you know, maybe for the 50th wedding anniversary or something like that.

Have a good look. I'm not even sure how often my love has seen my uvula. Uvula. Oh, yeah, I know what that is. Yeah. Oh. My children doesn't have one. And we've set up the lighting specifically so that people can't see.

But then you laughed and then nobody could see. No, that was good. It was very – I'll keep talking so they never see your – Nobody will ever see my uvula. That is only for my beloved. I've noticed something about being an adult, right, is that, you know, when you're young, it's all about fun. Ah, yeah. Right? When you're young, it's all about fun.

Ah, yeah. Right? When you're young, it's all about fun. But now when you're an adult, it's all about avoiding pain. Right. That's the new fun. Yeah. It's just being less uncomfortable all the time.

Right? Is there a sketch in that? Yeah. Well, I mean, I've started thinking about doing yoga. Really? really yeah i could really see you doing it that's definitely not fun yeah and it's really not something i would believe in normally it feels like it's on the massage spectrum yeah it involves muscles and lengthening yeah things like that things that you don't believe in you don't believe in expansion and contraction. Correct. But I have been waking up a few mornings now,

waking up and feeling myself groaning as I'm getting out of bed. Really? Yeah. Well, what about adult fun, right? Here's your picture. I don't know. This is still in the too lame category, but adult fun. You picture somebody.

Or maybe you show, know oh this is this is this is perfect for facebook not very funny i wouldn't i wouldn't watch this and like it but yeah right in your 20s you see somebody taking you know a random pill they'd have no idea what it is right like that and they're dancing with a gorilla like that and um and um and then and then it says in your 30s like that and it's just you waking up going oh like that and then you just kind of taking like panadol and you're like that's the gorilla's coughing in this case the gorilla's still there but their lifespan is lower so one of them already has a severely respiratory illness

emphysema or something like that it's one of those comparison type things when you're young and it's like somebody putting their tongue in somebody's mouth and then it cuts to the 30s and it's you just like tonguing one of those genealogy things

to get your saliva in there so you can find out if you're Irish or whatever. And then it's like, oh, and you're young again. And it cuts back to when you were young and it's you just like, you're like you're running along a beach with one of those boogie boards and you slide it along and then you slide like this

like that on the thin water. You've seen people do that when they glide on the thin water? I have not, no. It's that, but then it's you in the supermarket just going, whoa, like that, and then you just smash your head. I don't know how to write this down as one sketch idea. It's young versus old. Young versus old.

I mean, to what extent that, as an idea, when written down like that, captures anything about what Alistair has given us. Oh, right. But I like the idea of a genealogy set that you've got to make out with. It's a DNA test. It needs some of your spit,

but for whatever reason, they've designed the receptacle so that you've really got to tongue it. And I like like in the ad the the the doctor who's demonstrating it all just in a matter of fact way having to um to demonstrate demonstrate how they're making it and they're just passing it off as being normal maybe they're even on a morning tv show like this no this is very much like a morning tv show although my posture is worse than anybody on a morning TV show.

Well, that's going to be one of our selling points. Are we too far away from these mics? Evan said it didn't matter too much. Not too much, but you were taking it. I was taking it. I think we've got to make sure that people can at least hear this. It was three or four feet. Yeah, because, I mean, we wouldn't know. Well, nobody's monitoring this. It was three or four feet. Yeah, because I mean we wouldn't know.

Well, nobody's monitoring this. That's right. Nobody's monitoring the chat. Yeah, right. This could be going nowhere. Yeah. Oh my god. Imagine we do 300 ideas and Andy has not been recorded. It's probably

being... Should I just... Now my brain's just like i should check this well aren't you like a dolphin can't you check you know your brain it's all i just hope that it works i don't think that's what speculative computing is but what about a i gotta write this make out general purpose um brain implant all. We get brain implants, but it's only able to do one thing, and that is sound off like sort of basically an internal siren in your brain when something is going wrong. It can't provide you with any more information.

But it's more like a shark sense, like a shark alarm kind of thing. So there's a shark coming. Oh, yeah. more like a shark sense, like a shark alarm kind of thing. So there's a shark coming. Oh. Yeah. Right. Thomas, you are absolutely the Michael Winslow of this podcast. Yes! And you are the Hightower, whatever that actor's name was.

Bob Cagdoll was in those films. That's right, yeah. But he didn't play Hightower. No. But he could. I think in the remake he could. Really good. So they've got back all the same actors and they're all playing different characters.

Michael Winslow's playing the guy with the curly hair. Hightower. No, we can't all have them playing Hightower. Everybody's Hightower. We bring them back and this time they're all Hightower. I don't know who that character is. I haven't seen the show.

Was there a sketch in the brain alarm idea that Spidey sent us? What happens? How is that different to the panic that I normally feel? Well, that's the thing. I don't think it is, right? It's a substitute. Can people on the outside hear it? No.

Or maybe very faintly. Is there something specific that triggers it maybe? I think that it is just mechanising and, you know, formalising your background panic, right? The feeling that you have that somewhere something is going terribly wrong. Yeah. And I guess this thing has some sort of incredible data-gathering powers

in that it is able to obtain and then process all this information to work out if something is going wrong. But it has no processing ability to – or it doesn't have any ability to communicate to you what it is. So it's like your brain. It's just like lots of people running around in a panic because they think something is going wrong but they have no idea well i mean there's always something going wrong right yeah yeah you're right but but i think this but i think this thing doesn't mean you know it's like that thing where it's like well it's

beer o'clock somewhere well i'm feeling panic oh it's like that thing where it's like, well, it's beer o'clock somewhere. Well, I'm feeling panicked. Oh, it's desk on seven somewhere. I might have a little bloody panic as a treat. The doomsday clock has reached midnight somewhere. It's midnight on the doomsday clock somewhere. That's the phrasing. It's what midnight?

It's always midnight on the doomsday clock somewhere. That's the phrasing. It's always midnight on the Tuesday clock somewhere. I guess what's happening in this scenario is somebody has started looting and randomly shooting into strangers in the street while shouting, the end times are coming, the end times are coming. Then someone sees them

from across the road and they say, or there's two people across the roads. And instead of ducking out of the way of the bullets, one of them observes, geez, he started early. And then the other person says, well, I guess it's always midnight on the doomsday clock somewhere. Yeah. So is this a product? I know that this sounds like it could be a different. It's a product?

Well, the alarm in your head. Oh, right. Is this something you buy? No, this is a different idea. Okay, right. This is midnight on the doomsday clock somewhere scenario. It's a cutaway. Maybe the inner mind, the inner mind alarm.

Ah, the inner mind. The inner mind alarm. Could that just be that it's always on? Yeah. I don't know. What do you mean? It's always sounding. There's always just the ring of panic in your head.

Why? Why not hear what you feel? Yeah. Look, it doesn't quite make sense. are at with the me with you know certainly the media that i read and social media and twitter and that sort of thing is that in terms of climate change and other existential threats to humanity it feels like the alarm is always sounding yeah and you know and so this is to keep people motivated to do something exactly and it won't switch off. The screaming in your mind, what we've invented here is basically a new type of mental illness that is mandated by the government, and it won't switch off until everything is perfect. Or at least until we –

Wow. I guess it's the government isasing it. Look, we're not going to – like obviously we have – we're being influenced a little bit by fossil fuel companies to not remove subsidies towards fossil fuels. For sure. But what we will put money towards is an alarm in each person's mind using a brain implant that will set off an alarm that constantly plays until the climate catastrophe is fixed. And so that way people will be motivated to try and fix it, obviously, but not by removing fossil fuels. What about one that is sort of like a conscience where it knows if what you're doing is the right thing or the wrong thing from a climate perspective or from an ethical consumption perspective.

So you're going through the supermarket, and as you're reaching for one particular brand of muesli bar, it starts screeching. Hot, hot, hot, hot. Yeah, exactly. It's hotter, colder, but for the climate. Yeah. Very different thing.

Sounds like an episode of Black Mirror. Oh, we come up with those all the time. They're a dime a dozen. Yeah, I think a lot of people watch Black Mirror and say, that sounds like a bloody two-in-a-think-tank sketch. It sounds like a comedy version. It sounds like one. That's what they say.

They say it looks like a comedy version of a two-in-a-think-tank sketch. Yeah. All right. All right, how about this? Nipples. Yeah, on your back. And they get longer when you lie. It's nipple Pinocchio.

Yeah. It's porno. Pinipleo. It's porno Pinocchio. And it's the nipples that get longer. Yeah, yeah. It's one of the sexiest things in porn. I know, but that's the thing, is that it's softcore.

Ah, sure. Softcore. And so they don't show any genitals, only the male nipples. Okay. It's very softcore, right? And then he sees a bunch of people that he finds have really nice personalities oh look at that and then he goes but because he lies to himself he goes those people don't have nice personalities those people don't have really attractive personalities

and only wear the lies that you tell yourself. He's trying to be a good boy. Right, right. He's trying to be a good boy by telling himself that those people don't have nice personalities. Because he doesn't want, he doesn't need any more friends

that he needs to. Oh, that's a nice boy right there. He doesn't need any more friends because his life to. Oh, that's a nice boy right there. He doesn't need any more friends because he's got, his life is so full and he can't, he can't enrich the lives of all of the ones that he's already got. As much as he wants to. As much as he wants to. So he's like, oh, I can't go and spend more time with those. And the only way to stop himself from becoming friends with these people is to tell himself

that they don't have nice personalities. Which makes him feel bad as well because he's such a nice boy. He's like, oh, it makes me feel bad. But he has to do it to stop himself introducing himself and becoming friends with all of them. This is very soft core. Can you tell the difference between knowing if you're lying to yourself or if it's just cold? This guy, yeah, that's the problem. This guy's nipples do get longer when it's cold as well.

If it is cold, you're just lying to yourself about having chosen the right number of layers to wear. It's exactly the same. I'm fine. Or is it different? Is it cold as your nipples get hard? Lying means that they get long. That's right, yeah.

Lying, long, and then, yeah, they could be very floppy. That's right, yeah, they're very floppy. And so they could dangle. Right. And that's the problem when it gets cold. Unless it is cold and then... Yeah. Like that.

Right. Oh, thank gosh. I got a clean one out there. A clean sketch idea. No, it's clean. It's good. Classic sketch idea. Very soft.

Is that orange juice still going on there? Oh, no. Just the ice. It always comes to my mind when my mind goes blank. It's cubic zirconium. Mm. At the moment. Now, are those made naturally or are those mined?

Is there somebody mining? Are they even just glass? This is the problem with eating soft foods, is that some of the soft foods have ice that cools them down. And then you crunch it. Our philosophy is to always bring soft foods to eat so that when we're eating on pod, you don't hear any chewing. Oh.

Or crunching and things like that. We've got a few back there. I'm going to have to start getting into the sausages. I did come on with some snacks from next door. For us or for you to eat in front of us? Just for me to eat in front of you? No, no, no. Well, I thought I could dissect them.

Well, they're just like, you know, just like a... We were arguing about... We weren't arguing. We were discussing what this was. It's like a bomb... Bomb... Boney or something. A bomb boney?

It's a... It's a jam donut, but with caramel. It's a caramel. It's a salted caramel donut is what it is, but it was labelled as a... A bomb boney. A bomb b... A bomb bologna. I don't know.

Bomb bologna. Something Italian. Yeah, sure. Well, you know. They use foreign words, I've found, the Italians. I don't want to generalise. But they tend to use more foreign words than I've found sort of people who speak English do. Yeah. I don't want to generalize, but they tend to use more foreign words than I've found sort of people who speak English do. Yeah.

I don't want to generalize, though. Do they refer to themselves as foreigners in Italy? Well, obviously, yeah. I mean, I guess we could. I mean, they are, right? I guess we could refer to ourselves as foreigners in solidarity, even though we're not. Yeah. Not that solid.

Eh? Yes. Okay. People who are in solidarity. It's a union, but they're all liquid. No. Liquidality. Okay.

This is nothing. I'm not writing that down. No. Liquidality is nothing. We've got standards here. But hang on. I was just thinking. I can see your nipples getting longer. I know this isn't a funny idea, Alistair,

but on the theme earlier I was talking about mixing your own laundry detergent, right? Your own blend. You said something before that made 56 when you were chewing the ice, and then I didn't write it down. I'm sure it wasn't good, Alistair. I'm sorry. So we're still on 55 apologies but

yes blends of laundry powder I was wondering why is nobody adjusting the we've gone backwards why is nobody attempting to make a plant based

milk because at the moment all the plant based milks are bad attempting to make a plant-based milk. Because at the moment, all the plant-based milks are bad in some small ways. Why are there no plant-based milks that are just mixing all of them together? Because I feel sure that if we were to do that, surely all those compromises would cancel out and you'd end up with a... Mix the almond, the oat, the soy. Yeah, the soy, the fucking rice.

Well, you know what you could do? If you took all of the plants that make up a cow's diet... Yes. And you milked them... All of the plants that make up a cow's diet. Think of the thousands of plants. Well, you know what? I mean, I don't really know where to start.

You even make milk. All they have is grass and water mean, I don't really know where to start. You don't even make milk. All they have is grass and water and they can make milk out of that? Yeah. What else is going into that? What are they real? I think they've got a secret diet that they don't tell you. It's mostly blood that you've just taken stuff out of. Is it really?

Yeah. Well, this is what we realized. All fluids in your body go into blood and then become another fluid. Yeah. Pretty much, I think. Because there's no just water just sloshing around in there right even piss either is even piss even piss piss even piss i think at some point was blood yeah think about it i don't understand i'm pissing post blood it's it's a kind of purified blood in a way, even though it seems more impure.

But it has been refined. Refined into piss. Yeah. The body is a piss-refining... This is not sketch. Okay, so we take all the plants that make up a cow's diet, which I know you think of grass as a single... I hadn't even thought of that. What were you thinking? What else would cows eat?

I was thinking of grass. I thought you were going to say, cows eat beef. What do cows drink? A beef-fed cow is a really good idea. These cows are fed pure beef. That's how beefy our beef is. No, but I think that's how mad cow disease spread.

Correct. But it might be a sketch idea. Okay. Beef. Okay. What is beef fed beef? Beef fed beef. It's a new, you know, while there are those out there who are, okay, think about this.

Right. What you can do is you can eat plants. You can eat plants that have been made to look like meat. You can eat meat, cattle, that is purely grass-fed, right? And so this feels like a spectrum of ethical eating. But then surely at the other end, and something that we can market to dudes and bros, is pure beef-fed beef.

Yeah. It's so inefficient it's terrible it's inefficient but that's what people like about it now imagine an apex predator cow you know canine teeth are they no they don't unless you consider grass meat i don't yeah well they don't at the moment unless you feed them. So they might not be able to digest it properly. They might not be compatible. Six stomachs. One is bound to be able to digest it. Six stomachs.

Yeah. And you reckon they make milk from blood? Yeah, but they don't drink blood. I just mean they make their own blood through, you know. How do they do that? Eh? How do they make blood? I reckon, imagine if. How do they do that? Eh? How do they make blood? I reckon, imagine if we found out that secretly cows are drinking milk

and that's where they're getting the milk from. That would make sense. Farmers, the farmers, they don't want, farmers don't want us to know this, they're giving the cows milk. That's how they're able to get milk. That's how they're able to get so much. I can believe that they could make a little bit of milk from blood, but like cows are making liters and liters of milk from blood but like the cows are

making liters and liters of milk every day some of that has got to come from milk i could say i could you could you could you could have a milk ad you know that's kind of like a trying trying to shut up vegans right that goes it's like people say that it's wrong to take milk from a baby cow by you know taking its mother away and keeping it you know milking it and giving it to people but what i think is wrong is drinking the milk of your own species that's basically cannibalistic you psycho baby cows yeah great isn't that cannibalistic nobody's out there being well if it's if it's cannibalism to eat a bit of your fellow species, surely it's cannibalism

to drink a bit of your fellow species. That's right. If it's some of your species blended up into a milk drink. Yeah. I'm not sure if that's true. Beef milkshake. We use every part of the cow to make our milkshake. Is that, you just blend it up the udder?

I guess, yeah. That's pretty yuck though, isn't it? And it would just have blood in it. part of the cow to make our milkshake is that you just blend it up the utter i guess yeah that's pretty young though isn't it it would just have blood in it blood well that's what milk is that's what that's how they argue about it why is it red well milk is basically just blood that's taken out of it so it's purer milk yeah exactly purer refined no. You're thinking P-U-R-A. That's what I was. P-U-R-E-R. One of those great references to the brand Pura. Yeah.

P-U-R-A. That should just be a reference. We are allowed to eat some of this stuff? Yes. Sorry. Yes. I sort of started to kind of. Can I slice that in half again? Yeah, of course.

Farmer conspiracy. They all feed them milk. After the egg McMuffin and the hash brown this morning, it's great to finally eat something healthy. I'm worried that the sugar will fuck up my brain. So, yeah, I will not eat that straight away. I'll eat like a sweet banana or something like that. Do you want me to get you a banana?

If you can. While I come up with a great sketch idea, unless you had one. I was just going to say, I only use single-origin laundry powder. Of course, yeah, yeah, straight. Out of the tub? It mines straight from a single soap mine. Yeah. I mean, soap seems like the most insane thing to have invented.

Thank you. It's insane to have invented soap? What do you mean? I mean, it's something, and it soap what do you mean i mean it's something and it doesn't make from milk what some soap is that like talking about goat soap goat soap made from goat milk i've never even heard of goat soap um i okay wait like look so soap what does it do it coats your hands right, right? And it coats the dirt, and then it separates them, right? So it makes them slippery, and then the other stuff slides away.

Is that right? Is that what happens? Is that what happens with soap? I don't think it's slippery. I feel like we've had this conversation before, right? And your theory of soap is that it makes the skin slippery so that the germs fall off they can't grip anymore is that is that your theory yeah i mean there so so but there's a thing that soap maybe bursts open bacteria and things like that i think maybe

some of their cells they're oily germs is that not something that it does i'm not sure you're saying it just gets them off you i i think that it might just get them on and then let's and let's let's the sewers deal with it soap slippery soap soap can you know like squeaky you know like when you use soap and it's it's sort of like a bit dry yeah or like yeah like there's friction extra friction or something oh like little um yeah the little bubbles and then the little like um like micro micro balls that help abrase your skin. Yes, that's not what I was thinking of. That's the thing. But then is that kind of like putting glass and chewing tobacco so that the nicotine can get into your bloodstream?

This is like – Oh, my god. Is that a thing? I think so, yeah. Like little ground up bits of glass. Something like that, yeah. And chewing tobacco. And so same thing.

You put little rocks or bits of glass. Something like that, yeah. In chewing tobacco. And so same thing, you put little rocks or bits inside soap. As if chewing tobacco wasn't awful enough. We're literally putting broken glass in there. Imagine if we never progressed beyond chewing tobacco and instead of a smoking industry, we had a chewing tobacco industry. And they were trying to argue, you know, in the smoking ads, they were trying to argue that chewing broken glass somehow isn't bad for your health.

And spitting it into a cup that you carry around with you. That's actually classy. You spit it into a cup. Do you ever put it back in your mouth after you've spat it out? I don't know. I'm not sure. A bit more? I think you can take it out and then put it back in but um but i think if you if you had like sort of very quite elegantly dressed women um doing it in the ads and at this point in this what what is now known as chewing tobacco punk yeah genre of alternate history. I can't believe I had the sound on my phone. I think every drug should, the way of consuming it should be, is chewing and then spitting it into a big spittoon.

Sure. So, like, for example, if you were taking your aspirin, if you're taking your aspirin, you know, to. There are like chewable, you know, painkillers. What about chewable pfizer vaccine oh yeah um what about chewable um uh chewable um what's one of those things where they wash out your colon with liquid enema enema A chewable enema? Yeah. It just turns like, you know, it makes you shed the lining of your colon. And it liquefies. And it gives you an enema.

Or it makes it bleed. But it makes it bleed in that it filters out all of the stuff from the blood it just comes out as milk it just comes out as pure milk and it's a milk enema a chewable milk enema because the body the body can produce milk it just we know it doesn't it just you just got to get the right chemical in there to make the cells act in the right way i feel that this is something that you actually believe though chewable and one of the things that i still don't quite understand enema i still don't milk enema yeah i still don't quite understand is when you get onto one of your runs about how talking about how parts of the body don't actually have a function. They just have something that we use them for, right?

And you seem to really passionately and sincerely believe it. And all I can do when you get onto this is just nod and go, yeah, because I genuinely, I don't know if I don't want to or if I just can't understand what you're talking about. What they're doing is relevant to the environment, the context that they're in, right? So what you're saying is that lungs aren't for breathing. They could be used for anything.

Well, anything that is based around how they work. Right. You know what I mean? Like their purpose doesn't necessarily have to be keeping you alive through um through breathing and i'm speaking over a long term you're saying that could evolve to serve a different purpose if somehow you could give birth to something that could live without its without the Right. The lungs, if they somehow still remained important, like necessary, they could change function.

But if they still remain necessary, I mean, if they didn't have a new function, they wouldn't be necessary. No, that's right but well even if they had a new function they uh even if they had a new function they if it wasn't necessary then they would you would probably lose it eventually right right but what i'm saying is like for example okay let's say you could just absorb food through your hands through your hands right you could just put your hands in soup like that and you would just get all the nutrients and you'd be like that feels good yeah that feels good like that straws so firstly that's somehow you love a nice that's a nice soup that's not not

for drinking yeah not for consuming maybe it's just for putting your hands in maybe you can even put it in your mouth and just experience it in your mouth but then it's a spitting soup and it could just be you're not allowed to swallow spitting soup. And it could just be – It's like how you're not allowed to swallow toothpaste. Yeah, exactly. And it could just be that it's a person born with really thin skin who realized that their blood vessels are so close to the surface of the thin skin that actually it can pick up nutrients from the soup like that. And your blood vessels kind of got more of like an inner intestinal wall type of purpose. Yeah. You could just roll the tobacco instead of chewing it.

You could just roll it like that. You're just walking around chewing tobacco and you're just doing this. Yeah, nice. Like this. You're going like this. Under the pits. Under the pits like that. You could just hold – probably you could actually just hold chewing tobacco in your armpits like that.

Maybe any – just smear it all down your butt crack just like with a butter knife. Like Vegemite. Like Vegemite and just like that maybe any right just just smear it all down your butt crack just like with a butter knife you could just like vegemite like vegemite and just like that i mean this is this is alistair though like in the world in the world in which it outshone tobacco punk world or maybe in a different world if we want to write this down as a separate sketch idea i love the idea of uh of instead of nicotine patches you would get a jar that basically looks like Vegemite, Bovril, Marmite, Promite sort of thing. And you would get out a big, nice broad blade butter spoon or maybe something plastic that's a chippler on the cheeks. And you would, in the morning,

scoop out a big brown bit of this and spread it under the pits and down the butt crack there. We underuse the armpits especially. Maybe as well the butt crack, but we underuse the armpits as a point of consumption. Maybe evolution will just phase out armpits.

Not if we're using them for this. Yeah, not if we start needing them. If it's use it or lose it, we don't know. See, this is the thing. We don't know which parts of our body are use it or lose it, we don't know. See, this is the thing. We don't know which parts of our body are use it or lose it. We don't know which bits are on the way out. Once upon a time, they could have had more function. We don't really know why we produce body odor, why we have pubic hair under our arms, that kind of thing. We don't really know the full story. And it could be that it's on the way out. And unless we start using it for more things,

it's going to disappear. And if we want to hold on to what makes us us then we got to start as a species working harder to uh to use more parts of our body for more different things and this brings me to another sketch idea which is i think that were we at? It was like 30 seconds ago it was at 59. Sorry. No, we're actually on 60. But I'm about to tell you an idea. But they're anticipating this. So what I think is that as a species,

we should allocate individuals to trying to live the lifestyle of different animals and see what we can learn from that, what insights and what breakthroughs might come from, you know, if we get everybody trying to live as different things, we'll get so many more perspectives and so many more ways of being. And then they can come back. You can go, you spend a year living as an eel. What animal would you live as?

And we'll have like a United Nations bit with all different species. I was going to say a fish, but I don't think I'd survive that. Well, you don't really have a choice. And also you might be able to – We'll set you up. We'll set you up. We'll put you in a – We'll look after you.

Don't worry. Yeah, yeah. An apparatus. Yeah, apparatus. We'll use an apparatus. I think we've got to create jobs anyway. Okay. You know, post-pandemic, a lot of people are quitting their service jobs and things like that,

and we need to start building exoskeletons that people can breathe through underwater. Haven't there already been situations where kids have been raised by wolves? This job, this apparatus that will help you to breathe underwater, it'll be made by a recently retrained barista. Somebody who was sick of flipping burgers for less than minimum wage. Okay. You're going to survive for a year underwater? Don't worry.

We've got just the guy. Isn't putting steam into a soy in a froth-type scenario exactly the same as putting oxygen into the lungs of a man under the ocean. That's right. Yeah. In principle, it's a similar idea. In principle. In practice, quite a bit different.

Wow. Skeptic. And so what would we call this idea? What would we call this? Hang on. But does this already exist? So where people live as animals? Jane could all go and live, not live, all live with.

Yeah, but this is. She lived with them but not as them. And this is a new government program. This is a new government program. This is good all too. This is Jane good all too. Exactly. And the government is enabling this and people can go and you put your name, you don't have a job, you put your name on there, you sign up,

you'll live as an animal, okay? And you'll come back. And this is the important thing, is the summit that we have at the end where everybody comes back, they crawl back from their habitats, okay? And we have at the Hague, we'll all get together and discuss what we've learned and see if there was anything that could, you know,

maybe help us out. And we'll find out that there wasn't and then... What it will do in the meantime, I think the benefit that we will get is that there will be humans now in all areas of nature. Areas of nature that people are chomping at the bit to absolutely strip and destroy. Is it chomping at the bit or champing at the bit?

I don't know. Champing. Champing. I would chomp at a bit, personally. Well, see. Champing. I'm never going to use that word. Okay.

I'm never going to use it. No, no, no. Never correctly. And I refuse to. Areas of nature. So humans will be in every area of nature. Is that what you're saying? Exactly.

We'll have an incentive to protect the human habitats. Inside trees, inside the guts of other humans. I don't know how we'll do that, but trees, underground, underwater, in the skies. They don't have to physically be in the guts of other humans, but they could have some kind of an avatar. They could be living in a virtual reality thing and then have a little probe in the guts.

All of this could be done probably with virtual reality. Sure, but I'd like a little bit of it to be done with apparatus. I know, because people, they're chomping at some kind of... You always did it. They're chomping at some kind of

bite? Boit? I think it's boit. No, no, no. I'm not getting that right either. And to destroy nature. And if there's a human there, they can't. Right? Yep. No human ever hurt another human, that's for sure.

So this is an environmental preservation thing now. It's everything. You put people everywhere, and that will save the environment. I reckon we would probably just come out of it, have a summit, and they'd be like, actually, we should destroy everything. They're awful. I had a really bad time. Nature is terrible.

We need to strip the world of it. I'm not suited to living underwater, even with an apparatus. Really? But I think that's a real... This is no criticism of the apparatus. The guy's just standing... It's a credit to the apparatus. His job wasn't for me to enjoy it.

But, I mean, this is interesting because I think if we are going to preserve nature, we should really have some insight into whether or not it's worth preserving. Yes. This is the way. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that.

Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. And we're going to have to make tough calls anyway. If everyone who spent a year living as a musk ox came back and said it was awful. Then we'd be like, all right, well, that's one that we can get rid of.

Musk ox. But then it makes you wonder. What's that? It's a stinky ox, I think. It's like a big stinky ox. But maybe it would be the opposite. Maybe it would be like, well, if you – you'd be like, oh, well, we can't replace that one with humans. Like if it's really good.

Yeah. Right. Let's say living. Yeah. That's interesting. Is that what we were talking about doing was replacing them with humans? We could maybe in the long term. All right.

These were the ones that were okay. People can start living as beavers. Okay. But caribou, we can't live as caribou we'll keep the caribou but the beavers, those jobs could be replaced you've got to figure out all the jobs that they do that's kind of what you're going to be taking notes

along the way what is all the jobs that these fish do what their role is in the natural cycle that would be quite good as well that's useful, useful information so we know what gaps we have to fill here's an idea. No, I'll take that back.

Here's the thing. You know how Americans call coriander cilantro? Oh, yeah. I want to know could we then define that as an entirely

new language? Yeah. Right? But it's exactly English. So it's exactly English. But they say cilantro instead of coriander. Yeah. Is that not just American English?

Well... Which one is arugula? What? I think that might be rocket. Rocket. Oh, man. Cilantro and arugula. Yeah.

I mean, they're fun. Yeah. I mean, arug Oh, man. Cilantro and arugula. Yeah. I mean, they're fun. Yeah. I mean, arugula. I never heard of arugula. No? No. What about when an old car was driving by? Arugula!

Arugula! Okay, so wait. So it's a new language where they... It's exactly English, but they say cilantro instead. And what do we do? We just say that that's a different language. We just say that that's a different language. So that's a sketch.

Well, I think, you know, they release a dictionary. The president comes out. My fellow Australians. Okay. So this is why I said it wasn't an idea. It wasn't a sketch idea. It was just a thing. But is it, you know, I mean, it could be a national pride thing that they want.

And then they demand that all, you know, like in Quebec, I think they need everything to be written in English. And French. And then in French. Well, what if they need on those shared English-American colonies, they need all road signs to be written in English and then American English. And arugula English. Which basically means that they're written exactly the same.

Exactly the same twice. Unless the road sign has the word coriander in it, in which case it's written as cilantro. Yeah, okay, I like that. Okay. Well, I think like is a strong word. Hey, this little, the way this is framed makes it look a little bit like I'm wearing a bow tie.

What? Oh, English. Don't worry about it. And... I'm not going to worry about it. Good. Fix it later. Arugula English.

No. Arugula. I don't know how to write Arugula. Well, I like that. But let's call the whole language Arugula. It's a beautiful... I mean, it's so exotic. It definitely sounds exotic.

So then you'd be able to say, I speak two languages. I'm bilingual. I speak English and I speak Arugula. And it'll be one of those things where on a technicality, if anybody looks into it, they'll find out that Arugula is that thing I've said. Technically it's, yeah. But it sounds so plausible. Cilantro.

Do you think they can also speak cilantro? You could say a roogler is a language they speak in the Americas. Yeah. Right? And then you've covered yourself. Yeah. And then really this could be something that's kind of pushed by the sign makers of America.

Yeah. The sign makers of America. Who are. I'll go open the door. Who are themselves just. Another guest. Trying to get extra space put on, you know,

having to have all the, Andy just tripped over the thing. And at least our screen is off. Hopefully. The. Everybody's still getting these feeds. Hopefully it hasn't disrupted the entire stream. The TV's not turning back on.

That's fine. We'll fix it. Yeah. Anyway, they're getting extra words on signs and they're getting to remake everything. Yes, sign makers, because they would make so much money, obviously, from having to remake every sign

in the country. It would be a real good time for them. Look who it is. We're still yet to find out whether or not this podcast is still running. No, no, no, I think it is. And you just kicked out the plug for the TV, but I'll fix that. Yeah, great.

I'll fix that and I'll hand over to your next guest. Thanks so much, Evan. Evan. Evan, would you like to plug the fundraiser for Stupid Old Studios moving? Yeah. Would you like to? Stupid Old Studios is fundraising a move from this studio that we all know and love. Yes, to another one just up the road.

There's a link that you can click on in the description of this stream. And you could donate money to help. It's just we're being forced to move because of apartment... Gentrification. Because of gentrification, obviously. Something that we started and now it's turned on us.

And so in the meantime, while you're making those payments, can we introduce our next guest? Please welcome Michael Calandaria. This is a very formal introduction we're doing now. Hi, thanks. It's great to be starting with two white guys talking about gentrification. Yeah, yeah. And yeah, I think I feel pretty good of what I've walked into.

We're pretty confident as well. You've gone out of focus. Evan, my case has gone out of focus on his camera. Sorry, that's my beard. It moved the camera? It's just that my face has a habit of doing that. Yeah. You're part Bigfoot.

That's right. Yeah, yeah. And that is... A part of not really existing. Yeah. That's the part that I am. Yeah, and so that's the part that's out of focus and the part that exists sort of clings on to reality.

Yeah. He's a semi-fictional character. You're fictionalized. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Aren't we all? I think when you get an autobiography... Haven't you seen someone's LinkedIn?

We're all a bit fictionalised. Yeah. Imagine... Bigfoot has a LinkedIn. He should have a LinkedIn. He hasn't joined my professional network yet, but I'm hoping he does. Let's see.

What is the sketch with Bigfoot having a LinkedIn? Bigfoot on LinkedIn? Bigfoot's on LinkedIn. It feels like this is actually... I think that the thing is that he could have LinkedIn, but because no one uses LinkedIn. Yeah. You know?

I feel like there'd be a social network for hermits called LinkedOut. And, you know, what it is, is it allows you to be a social media hermit. You can have your page, you can update it, you can maintain it, but nobody can see it. Yeah. You've just described LinkedIn.

Yeah. You've just described LinkedIn. You've just invented LinkedIn. I don't either update or maintain my LinkedIn. Nobody does. No. Well, and I guess home-ets don't really maintain their own personal appearance. So, yeah, you're right. Speaking of personal appearance, you're looking fantastic.

Yeah, you're looking so good. How have you come out of lockdown looking so good? I chose lockdown. It really feels like a morning time. Yeah, yeah. Thanks so good. How have you come out of lockdown looking so good? I chose lockdown... Yeah, thanks. Thanks for asking, Andy. I chose lockdown as a great time to go on a diet. So yeah, I thought, why not

while I'm depriving myself of all social interactions that bring me joy, why not also deprive myself of baked goods? So yeah, I feel really good about doing the whole thing. If it gets me compliments in this morning show, then it's all been worth it. It's such a good morning show.

I have an idea, right? Yeah. Do you think it could be that Bigfoot was found on LinkedIn? Yeah, great. And also right down LinkedIn. The only people who know are the CEOs of Goldman Sachs and they swear each other to secrecy. I think, but also, you know, it would be like you get a photo of Bigfoot

and you have to confirm its validity. So some Bigfoot hunters, nobody's looking for him on LinkedIn, but some Bigfoot hunters have found what they think might be Bigfoot's LinkedIn page and we're just waiting for confirmation that it actually is his LinkedIn page, and then, hey, we're in. But, of course, you get so many emails from LinkedIn that even Bigfoot would see a notification and be like, well, that's probably not actually from him.

Yeah, yeah. Who wants to join my circle or whatever? Who's congratulated me on my work anniversary? Congratulations on – congratulate Bigfoot on my work anniversary? Congratulations on, congratulate Bigfoot on his third anniversary from being not discovered. Yeah. Remaining elusive. Now, what I wanted to pitch, though, was,

because we're selling a house at the moment, is a real estate agent punk, okay? So this is a scenario in which... Go ahead. Everything, everything is sold by real estate agent punk. Okay? So this is a scenario in which everything is sold by real estate agents or a version of real estate agents. So anytime you want to sell something, you hire an agent who comes in, takes photos of it, writes a little description, makes a little video like they make now, okay, where they introduce it, and there's some good slow panning shots and some funky music.

So you're selling an old pair of pants, something that people sell all the time, an old pair of pants. Especially one that you live in. That'll be perfect for it. Oh, I lived in those pants. So if it's true to a real estate agent, there would be a gallery of eight photos all taken with a fisheye lens. One photo would be of the pants.

The other seven photos would be of the area that you would reclaim if you destroyed those pants immediately. Yes. And then there's a nearby school, a photo of a cafe. A photo of a cafe with long exposure of car headlights and kind of neon signs, yes. Correct. And, yeah, that's how you would go about it. And, you know, you sell the pants and you've got to pay them $10,000.

I love those ads as if we're all idiots. As if when we were looking, when we came back, so we moved back to Australia a year ago and we were looking for a place to live. And the amount of ads that show, you know, you look for a place in a trendy suburb and the ads that show, you know, you look for a place in a trendy suburb, and the photos that show, like, one of the main photos is just the exterior of a cafe. And it's like, are you shitting me? A cafe? Of course!

And then I go to inspect the place, and there's no exterior of a cafe anywhere in the apartment. That's crazy. It's an absolute lie. Hang on, so you're worried that... Photos of where the pants have been. So it's like shows you concerts and kind of like taxi cabs. Wait a minute. I thought I was purchasing these experiences. Yeah. Yeah. I like the idea that maybe the pants are on the street next to a big sign.

What are you looking for? A pen? No, I just saw the wide shot and your towel is so prominent down there. It was a little distracting, but, but, you know, you know, it's great. Yeah, make it intentional or get rid of it. Yeah. Own it. Sorry. I'm so sorry.

Own it or bone it. Now, I don't know what this is, but it's definitely a game show. Just letting you know we're on 65. Wow. Yeah, sorry. So it's 65. It's been about three-ish hours? I think so.

Yeah. So you've done about 20 now. That's good. three-ish hours? I think so. So you've done about 20 now, that's good. When will you be... Yep, great. So we've got to come up with 240. We're trying not to look into it. Sure, yeah, yeah. No, we can do it. Let's go.

240. Yeah, yeah, okay. So, okay, we can move. Okay, wait. It's a culture where they communicate through clicking. Sure, that's... Yeah, very, yeah. Probably like poetry nights, not just poetry nights.

No. What about it's a poetry night like that? In many ways, poetry nights, they communicate in other ways as well. Yeah, that's yeah very like poetry nights not just poetry nights what about it's a poetry night like that anyways it poetry nights they communicate in other ways as well yeah that's true but what about it's a poetry night where it's a clicking night where you go up on stage you click and then the audience reads you some poetry ah for once what passing bells for those who die as cattle. Only the monstrous anger of guns. That's how they applaud, through the droning on. I've only ever been to one jazz night, but it was very quiet. The emphasis was really on, you've got to stay so quiet. When you go to the bar, you've got to be so quiet.

And, yeah, you don't't clap you click or whatever that's because jazz is about the space between the notes oh yeah right you can't be having your chat getting in between the notes and then suddenly you're part of the jazz filling in the silence because you're not paying to see you perform your jazz you know but a good jazz a good jazz would be would you know would would be responding to your chat. You'll be like, well, I think saxophones are... They're a metal instrument, not a wind. I don't know. This is what you're saying.

And then he's going... Like that. A TED Talk, but it's just music. Yeah, but then also with the talking. Oh, so it's a TED Talk. It's a TED Talk, yeah, yeah. It's mostly a TED Talk, and we can remove the talking. Oh, so it's a TED talk. It's a TED talk. Yeah, yeah. It's mostly a TED talk.

We could remove the music. I could do it with or without. That wasn't a good addition. Wait. Is there anything in this dumb click language? I know it's nothing, but let's say it's click performance art. And it's click poetry. I'm writing it down.

Yeah, right. Sorry. Maybe clicks are a currency you know how when Medium started doing they started doing claps

yeah you could give claps and then they tried to kind of monetize and I don't know what happened with that right every publishing platform

tries to reinvent its you know commerce system every three months yeah but maybe it's the future is you get paid through clicks

well I mean but that like that yeah that clicks I mean because that's the you is you get paid through clicks. Well, I mean, but that, like that. Yeah, that clicks. I mean, because that's the, you realize that being paid by click per click is a phenomenon. Literally our income. No, I think, but I think that would be the tagline. You'd kind of, if you were a kind of a Facebook, sorry, meta, and you'd have the tagline, you know, in one color text, forget about clicks, welcome clicks.

But it's more human. You know, we'd amp up the human angle. Yeah. Well, at the moment, in terms of inputs to your computer, you don't actually incorporate sound as an input. I think it would, you know, you could have your little microphone there and it could respond to clicks like that. And then instead of clicking with your mouse, God, I sound like an ancient man being extremely boring.

But you're reading an article online and you're there clicking away. You're like, yeah, man, this is a great article. Don't shake your head so much when you're reading. It makes it hard. But like that, and then it's picking up on that, and the money's going directly to the author. That's the model. Money directly to the slicks.

So you could just be like the editor of the newspaper, and you're going to the bathroom and just going, let us know you master. Yeah, but the money comes out of your account. So I mean, you would be careful. Yeah, you're the editor. Where's the money coming from? I assume it comes from the advertisers or something like that.

Yeah, we've got to respond to these clicks. And I hate to say this, but I am interested in clicking as a masturbatory technique. And I want to know... That's how jazz musicians masturbate. Beat poets. But I think, you know, can you get a good... I'm getting a click going By having a second finger

In between Right My fingers Yeah So I don't And which part of Which part of that is Your dick

Well obviously The finger Yeah but this is Yeah okay Right And I encourage you If anyone's watching at home Try it on all your body parts

Try it Try it everywhere And see See what If it works And I feel like this will work on any Any genital This is a multi-genital

This is a non-discriminatory Non-discriminatory Multi-genital Technique that could bring Everyone together and resolve a lot of the The tension What's the line between Sketch Idea And New Product

It seems very We've come up with new platforms a lot of the tension. What's the line between sketch idea and new product? It seems very... We've come up with new platforms. It's easy to come up with new publishing platforms and sex toys than it is to come up with sketches. That's fine, but I think a beat poet, having a one-night stand with a beat poet

and then finding out that they gave you a click masturbation? There you go. That counts. That's a sketch idea um what about a metaverse right you know we're all into oh yeah let's do it did you watch the video did you watch the launch trailer of the metaverse watch the whole thing i saw little bits and pieces oh boy um and then and then i've seen another ad which was like on on instagram and it's like it's like old guys playing chess and there's one of the same it's all the same yeah he's like oh i got a lion head or whatever i got my game face on something like that and he turns yeah i think we need to get rid of all the dumb shit like that right yeah all the dumb shit where you it's like it's surreal stuff that nobody nobody cares about

when facebook started like facebook facebook started it was all dumb shit like that it was all people like inviting you to their zombie army. When Facebook really first started, it was raiding hot chicks. Yeah, yeah, sure. And we got rid of all that dumb shit. Yeah, that's what Facebook was. And then it was all the other stuff. And then the video that Mark Zuckerberg put out was crazy.

It was just like, you should watch it. It is a fever dream of what virtual reality could be. And what I love is the first example he shows is him choosing an outfit to go sit around a table in a space station with all of his buddies who have different outfits, right? And one person's flying around the cabin, and one person's a robot, and the rest of them are just themselves. And I think, to assume that a second we all get to be in VR all the time, and we get to

choose what our look is, no one is going to choose to be a human sitting around a table. Yeah, yeah. Sure. We're all going to be a sentient breast. I don't think we're going to go hang out in VR. I just don't think we are. You don't think we'll do the exact same thing we're doing here but in VR? No.

I think we only accepted video chats just because we were forced to be separate and this was the only kind of outside human contact we were getting. Yes. I just don't think that people are going to go into VR and be like, have a business meeting or have a friend meeting. And they'll be like, oh, Tony's a snail and Judith is a catalog. Described all of my Zoom calls. Okay. Do your Zoom calls actually people wear skins and stuff like that? No, no, no. Okay.

But they are snails. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess you work for a magazine company and things like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, cover a lot of snails. If they allow some of the magazines into the meeting, it would be wrong. Yeah.

Well, you should let the product in here and just see what... Yeah, see what happens. Yeah, but a metaverse... Yeah. ...where you're actually there... Mm-hmm. Hello. You know, I don't know, maybe...

I mean, it's probably more of a teleportation machine. Sure. Well, a digital version of you stays at home the digital version of you stays at home. Digital version of you stays at home, and it looks like you're helping out with the family, things like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But actually, you're on Zoom calls.

Actually, just... You're actually... Chess with a lion face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, look, I don't know. But actually, this is a good idea, though. The idea is the digital version of you stays at home and makes it look like you're responsible

while your real body goes somewhere else to do something fun. I was thinking about, like, is that what AI assistants are meant to be anyway? They're meant to make you be able to... I've got something, which is I host a disinformation podcast weekly where I talk with our disinformation reporter about the hell that is going on in the week. You can plug it. What's it called?

It's called Disinformation Dispatch, and it's got a longer title, which I forgot, but which I also made up. Yeah. I think it's something along the lines of Disinformation Dispatch, the show, the podcast, streaming online, live, on air, if you want. And so we're on Instagram. We talk about the news of the week.

This week, I don't know if you guys saw this story, but a bunch of hundreds of QAnon supporters gathered at the Grassy Knoll in downtown Dallas, where JFK was, depending on who you talk to, killed. And they were there because they believed that JFK Jr jr was going to be uh turning up and uh claiming that trump was the king of kings uh which is all fine but what i love about this is is that the king of kings well they they think that uh jfk is a direct bloodline descendant of jesus i believe and so but what i love this, and what I think is the sketch, is the, my understanding is the people who led this, you know, who created this meet, who said this was going to happen,

they happened to be in town for a Rolling Stones concert. And it happened to be right near where they were going to happen to be. And it was very convenient for them. Not only that, but then it started raining later in the night, and a lot of people left. But then, according to the people who were running the scheme... The occurrence, the real occurrence. Alleged, yeah.

He'd show up. He showed up at the concert. It's very much like, you left too early, the party got really good the second you left. So I like the idea of someone who just is always making predictions, that these are always coming true just when everyone else has left the room. Yeah, and I like it in particular if it genuinely is the case. Yeah. He's genuinely right.

We'll never know. Apparently Michael Jackson was there. Really as well. Yeah, Michael Jackson was there. Every time I think I understand how insane the QAnon stuff is, I always have underestimated just how bonkers it can be. Yeah. And it sounds a little bit of fun.

I wonder whether it's just one of those situations like Flat Earth where for most people it probably is a joke to just do it. It's like a role-play thing. where for most people it probably is a joke to just do it. It's like a role play thing. And then there's a lot of people who are just into it and like, yeah, yeah, no, this is true. But there must be a percentage of people who think that it's a joke.

There must be. Yeah, us. And they're likely to be the content creators. Yeah, maybe. And then everybody else. And they go, you can genuinely make people go places and do things and you can just go i think that the lord is it a bit like pokemon go you know but with uh resurrections but with resurrections instead of in politics and politics yeah it's exactly like Pokemon Go.

Pokemon Go to the polls. Yeah, we're writing it down. Well, I mean, why not? QAnon is Pokemon Go to the polls. Yeah, I mean, we could make a full conspiracy theory app, right? Where it's like, you know, it is a little augmented reality thing where you go to different locations and you collect goblets of truth or something. I mean, again, we're creating another platform. Is there a way that you can just generate conspiracy theories

and somehow earn passive income? Have you noticed people on the internet are really into passive income? When I go on TikTok, it's just people who are 15 years younger than me talking about how they have millions of dollars, and it's all from dropshipping. It's all from you sit there, and you let the money work for you. And if you don't already own three homes, you're some kind of idiot. Yeah.

Which I do. I am starting to feel like an idiot. Yeah, me too. But also, always it's in the context of them selling you how to do it. Oh, they can help you make passive income if you give them active income. Who are the people who are earning heaps of passive income who have found a way to live the dream, the dream being I don't have to work and I just get money?

Who are the people who have achieved that and who are then saying, now I'm going to go out and start the laborious and tedious job of teaching other people how to have as easy and successful a life as I have? When you put it like that, it seems pretty selfless. It does. Yeah. I really admire them. Yeah, and that's why they get to register as a charity. Sure.

And your passive income becomes tax-free. Really, in a way, a charity, you know, starting a church or a religion is a great kind of passive income. I mean, God is earning passive income. Yes. Having a sketch about a guy who is basically exactly this, but he achieves financial independence through passive income and then is like, well... So motivated to teach other people.

Now I'm like, you know what? And then is like, well, I'm motivated to teach other people. Now I'm like, you know what? I'm going to put all my time, all my free time that I have now. All of my time is free time. Even sleep time I don't need anymore. And I will now spend time making Instagram videos and Instagram marketing. Yeah. It would now become my passion so that I can allow other people to get this exact same thing.

Yeah, I think that's a great sketch idea. I also have another one, which is it's God, and God is on Instagram, and God is explaining how he started a religion and how it's earning him passive income, and now he wants to teach you how to do the same thing. So it's basically exactly the same idea, but my character is God. I'll take that idea, and I'll add a new idea. Yes, two Gods. The way that I think things would go is if the real god was on instagram yes um if we are to believe that uh he was as

if he really talks the talk if he's as humble as they say he was is um he would have no followers i think the real god is on instagram but he cannot get any engagement. And no one, he can't even get verified. They're just like, I don't know. You don't seem to be like, and God would be like, this is all narcissistic. This is what is the point of all this? This is not what people should be doing. Nothing about helping others. Because if you are helping others, you're doing it for views.

So there's no way to be truly selfless on there. So I think the real God would have no posts. His profile picture would be the blank silhouette, like when your parents first sign up to social media. And for several years afterwards with your parents as well. Exactly. You tell them, look, you look like a troll. Yeah.

And then they're like, well, I don't want anyone stealing my identity. No, what's your identity? How do you know that? I think God cannot get a break. stealing my identity. Nobody wants your identity. How do you know that? That's well, you know. God wants as well. Well, I think that's, yeah, I think God cannot get a break. And I think he's, he wants to kind of reconnect with his followers. He's like, well, it seems he comes back. He's like, well, how's everyone connected these days?

They're like, well, Instagram and TikTok. And not so much LinkedIn, but that's also an option. And he just can't get, he can't get an in. Yeah. Yeah. And then, and then what happens? Does he get depressed? He breaks like the rest of us.

And he ends up becoming a self-centered narcissistic. He builds his own hype house. It's basically a church. But it's filled with like Justin Bieber type looking Fortnite playing. It's like a whole Twitch streaming house. And he just goes off the rails. God just goes off the rails. And he's trying to sell swag

all the time just to make more money. We got three out of that. We got Passive Instagram, Success Guy. We got God Creates Religion, How to Create Religion Videos. I think also within that, if God actually told us how to become God, that would be how they went about becoming God.

That's really good. And then we've got God wants to reconnect with his followers. I became God, and I want to share with you how to be God. How you can do it too. $1,500 for the introductory course. It's a master class. It's that master class. It's the master class series. God's master class, Alistair. Write that down. That's a masterclass. It's that masterclass. It's the masterclass series.

God's masterclass, Alistair. Write that down. That's a good one. Print that. I mean, they're running out of people. They're going to get rid of God eventually. They really are running out of people. I found the weirdest one, the most recent,

with Metallica, How to Be a Band. That's what I'm getting advertised. Wait, they're on Masterclass, the group that famously has a documentary about how they yeah yeah and i think the drummer who was around at that time lars or whatever isn't in this masterclass video because i guess he split away from the band he's doing a separate masterclass about how to take down napster i forgot that they took down napster they took down napster. They took down Napster.

And then they brought on streaming platforms that have demonetized bands even more, probably. Thanks a lot, Lars. We could have just still been having Napster right now if it wasn't for Lars. I mean, that was the... I'm going to become like an Amish person,

but I'm not going to... I'm going to live like an Amish person, but I'm not going to... I'm going to live in the Napster era. Yeah. That's the point at which I think technology went too far. At the point where no one else is on it, but you're just sharing files with yourself. Myself, yeah. And my community and my children.

I don't remember which ones I posted already. All right. So when we're talking about God and starting a religion, I, oh, it was the church. Yeah. Well, I, oh, did I, I already said that. Sorry, I apologize. I'm going around in circles.

You're coming, you're already coming back to God. Well, no, I was just going to re-pitch the idea about what, you know, so this is what it was. But it's very similar to what we already said. But it's somebody

who is teaching you how to get passive income. But they are a priest. So anyway, that's nothing. But, okay, how

about this? I feel like it would be, have you ever seen, do you know of people like Gary Vaynerchuk? Do you know him? Have you ever seen his videos? Yeah, he's a guy, he's all about productivity. He's sufferable. It's just, yeah, kids love him.

He's just like someone who, his whole life is just like a TED talk about hustling. And it's all, if you're not making enough money, you you go pro it's you're not doing it right yeah and everyone like needs to hustle at all times and one example he'll give is oh i just like go to yard sales and i like pick up like old zelda cartridges and then just sell them on ebay and i make income that that's how i you know made income on the side no now he's like he he inherited his family's wine business and i think made it go digital and became hugely... Digital wine. Digital wine.

It's not wine, it's NFTs. It's NFTs of wine. And then you get to be like, you don't get to drink the wine, but you get to pay for the NFT of a really good year of wine. So there's, among wine connoisseurs, they're like, oh, the 1948 Beaujolais was like a very incredible wine. I'd give my left arm for that wine. You can't have that wine, obviously.

But what you can have is an NFT of it. This is a sketch. This is not real. This is a sketch. And I think to wine... If it's a wine you couldn't have, you get an NFT. I think it's a really good idea. I mean, if you're not drinking the wine anyway, right? Because these wines are so expensive, you never open them. So it might as you get an NFT. I think it's a really good idea. I mean, if you're not drinking the wine anyway, right? Because these wines

are so expensive, you never open them. So it might as well be an NFT. Exactly. What are those fancy, dusty wines for, if not to just tell your other wine-loving friends, hey, do you guys want a couple look at this wine? Don't touch it. And then same with an NFT. Just have a bit of plaque. It's a really

good idea. Andy Matthews owns this bottle, a digital token of this bottle, which is just as good. It's just the same thing. You can still somehow keep it in your basement. I think so. I think that's great. You could picture Treasury Wines releasing the original Grange and things like that as NFTs. These ones actually can't age out of existence and turn bad.

These are just an opportunity to own a piece of wine history and enjoy it forever while it's always peaking, I suppose. Always peaking. Always peaking. That's what a wine – Always peaking. Yeah peaking. You know, that's what a whine, you know, whine, whine. Always peaking. Yeah, yeah.

Constant peaking. Constant peaking. Oh, I had something. Is this the idea we're talking about, identity theft, is sort of the devil trying to get your immortal soul? Is that kind of like the ultimate identity theft, right? Because he's always trying to trick you into getting your soul.

Or she. Or she, yeah. Yes, I am a feminist. I believe Satan is a woman. Thank you. I wanted you to admit it. I think that's a sketch idea, by the way. Feminist Satanists who believe that Satan is a woman. This is what a Satanist feminist looks like.

And also, a Satanist... Have I already said this? But it was a thought I had. Was that an atheist feminist is somebody who... The god that I don't believe in is a woman. And I... I haven't heard you say that. A strong, powerful woman woman who doesn't exist

that's the god i don't just like girl bossing it yeah but not existing not existing yeah yeah i suppose you know it's it's it is more appropriate more equal to to believe that even though they don't exist um that they could have been if that that was the universe in which we lived in. And if there is a universe in which that happens, um, I think that they would have, they, you know,

it would be stupid to think that they couldn't be. I mean, I obviously, I would think that there are probably some other thing. So, so, but you were saying the devil takes your soul and that's, and that,

then that is your bank details. Uh, well, I mean, if they could get your soul, they could get into your bank, right? That's how I log into my bank. Well, I mean, if they could get your soul, they could get into your bank, right? That's how I log into my bank. I have a new bank.

What I want to know... These online-only banks are fucked. You have to log in with your soul. It's like the two-step verification has gone... Too far. Maybe that's the sketch, which is that phone numbers, using your phone number to verify your ID

is really outmoded. You know what you can't hack is your soul. Unless you're the devil. You're linking, because everything needs a complicated login process now. Whatever it is, they need the maximum security. So you're trying to log into the Moodle for your kid's kindergarten and you've got to use your immortal soul. Moodle? Moodle?

Moodle? What is Moodle? I don't know what Moodle is. Moodle is like an education platform. But, I mean, how are you logging in with your soul? Platforms. Platforms. Wait, are you having to create a pentagram?

I assume you have to bear your chest. I just assume your soul is... Press it against the screen. There's a pentagram on the screen. bear your chest. I just assume your soul is... Press it against the screen. For some reason, is it... Press your chest against it. Is it movies, but I just assume your soul exists in here? Yeah. Even though, really...

Maybe you could put a bomb on there, and then maybe into a pit. A bomb? A bomb, like an ALM. You could use some kind of ultrasound reader. Yeah, I picture that, and then I think you'd light it on fire, and then it creates a triangle, or some kind of... Like that eye., I picture that. And then I think you'd light it on fire and then it creates like a triangle or like, you know, some kind of, you know,

like that eye. You do that. You have to do that every time you log in. That's really good. It's the only way you can stop. It's the only way to be secure. Well, I think, no, I mean, once you've done that once,

unless you're using a new device, you don't have to do that again. Interesting. Yeah. I mean, it is dangerous though. It is dangerous to put that, because if you lose your phone or whatever um somebody might have a similar looking chest to you

but what happens what happens it's not what your chest looks like what happens if you it's your immortal soul but what i guess the issue with that though maybe is that if you fall asleep on say the train and someone grabs your phone yeah they simply need to apply balm to your chest light it on fire then they can log in as you it's like the movies where they hold up the person's eyeball onto the retinal scanner yeah yeah and maybe it's a little bit maybe it's actually not as secure as a phone number you're right and especially you also need to get a text as well it'll be three tiers three-factor authentication. Second factor is Sol, and third factor is back to your phone.

And email to your second... You've got to remember six numbers, and you've got to say it out loud, and you're like, oh, there's probably a mic in my phone from some spyware that's listening to this number, and they could just type it in before me. But my problem as well with...

I'm quite vulnerable to having my soul identity stolen on a tram because I wear a lot of very deep V-necks when I'm on public transit. Do you? Yeah, real plunging neckline. And you pull them further down by putting some sunglasses right at the bottom of the V. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, actually, I open the sunglasses up like this and like that, and it actually opens up the whole thing like that.

That's great. And my bomb sticks in my top pocket. I know that everybody is constantly trying to come up with new fashions and new ways for clothes to be revealing. It won't stop. But has anybody done, I mean, obviously somebody has done this, but clothes like a top that fully does just come in two halves, right? Uh-huh.

So like it's open up here, but it's also open down the back. And it's basically just sleeves and then like a little bit of like shoulder hanging. You know what it should be. It should have a little alligator clip that clips onto your neck. A little alligator clip. Yeah, great. Like this. Nobody's doing that yet, right?

Because everybody's all about using the arms to hold things up, right? Yeah. Like this. I want an alligator clip there. You'd have a couple of – yeah, you'd look like you have gills. Yeah, yeah. But it's just holding my shirt together because it's a two-half shirt like this. I want alligator clip there. So you'd have a couple of, yeah, you'd look like you have gills. Yeah, yeah. But it's just holding my shirt together because it's a two-half shirt like that.

Maybe you could have an alligator clip on each side here. Holding it to the nipples. Doesn't have to. I mean, the beauty of Andy's idea is that the sleeves do that job. Yeah. Sure. And you don't necessarily need the alligator clip.

What are you innovating, though? What is the actual innovation? That's true. I was cutting a shirt in her. Well, I mean, Andy's innovating fashion. You're innovating body standards. Yeah. Well, I mean, while we're on it though,

like why do we need the clothes? If we're using bull clips, why aren't we just replacing all clothes with bull clips that you just clip over? Bull clips of different sizes that you just clip over the things that you want to be concealed. So bull clips on the nipples.

I don't want to conceal my neck skin. Bull clips on the genitalia area. One enormous bull clip that covers your bum. Yeah. I could see that. Aren't bull clips, they have that big metal handle? I'm saying you'd have a lot of clearance that you'd need

behind you if you had it covering your bum. But then that could be... You'd have little handles on the bull clips. It could be a portable chair. If you lean back, that would be a chair You have little wings, little handles on the bull clips. It could be a portable chair. You know those ones? If you lean back, that would be a chair. Your legs would be the tripod of the two legs of the bull clip. On the front, it would be like a chastity thing that would be great in the workplace.

One of the places I find it hardest to remain chaste. Yeah, for all of those guys who are just like, but what am I to do? Yeah, exactly. I can't keep up with these new expectations of me. And so having it over the nipples as well, at least if you go around the nipple, that isolates that erogenous zone and keeps it away from touch. And let's be honest, probably caps off the blood flow, causing it to rot and fall off. I mean, and then that's a permanent, that's like laser nipple removal.

Sure. Right? And I'm just saying, it's a permanent, that's like laser nipple removal. Sure. Right? And I'm just saying, it's a reimagining of society. This isn't just a product. No. No, it's the bull. It's a way of living. It's bull clip society. Platforms, products and ways of living.

That's what we do here. We just barter bull clips. I think we would change it to bovine clips, just so that it's gender neutral. Wow. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Is it bull named after the cow?

The bull cow? Yeah, I picture that. I mean, there's nothing about a bull clip that suggests cow. So are they just called bull clips? Why did I think they were called bulldog clips? Holy shit. Maybe they are bulldog clips. I thought they were called that, but now I'm not sure.

I don't know. Because I guess when you look at them side on You've got little antlers, it looks like a bull Antlers, yeah Look at its antennae there Can you tell Last time I saw An animal in real life, it's been a long time Yeah From a domestic

Zoos have been closed for so long Exactly, where else do I go and see my antlers? My antlered bulls You go to a zoo and someone's just glued on some antlers Onto a bull It's a Christmas market We had to cut some corners guys We couldn't get the deer

So we just cut some antlers off and we put them on a bull I don't even picture a Christmas market that has cows. I don't even picture a Christmas market. What's a Christmas market? They have them in Europe. It's like a big thing of like, I have like the, you know, a little stand, one of them, you know, serving like hot mulled wine. And then there's like a local Santa and it's like, it's a thing. Yeah.

Can you mull anything? Can you mull any liquid? You can mull over thoughts. Yes. And what's the act of mulling? Is it just heating it up and adding cloves? I think it might be. So you could have mulled Coca-Cola.

Yeah, you could. You could have mulled 7-Up. Yeah. But then while you're thinking like that, why not a mulled ream of paper? Why not everything is mulled? Mulled couch. Imagine that.

You walk into your house, couch sopping wet. But it smells. You're like, what's that? It's warm and steamy. You get so wintry in here. You get home every night. It's a couch. Like that.

And you watch a movie like that. Every night you get home and you're like, what's that smell? Oh, it's my fucking wet couch. That's right. But then you're like, I hate this. You know what? I'll put the Santa Claus on again.

Yeah. And then you go Tim Allen and one of their best performances ever. And I am not naming Tim Allen's gender. In their best... I think you're missing the point there. I think Santa is genderless Right?

I mean, I'm going in mulled couches It's just so wintry And mulled couches are not just for winter I feel like you really bulldozed through with that mulled couches idea I'm absolutely on board But It's You know, come Christmas

You can actually mull anything And the more festive you are, come Christmas, you can actually mull anything, right? And the more festive you are, the more things you mull. Right. Hey, look, a town, this town is so festive, they mulled the whole lake. I mean, a mulled flood. Yeah. You know, it's like the floodwaters, they've all been mulled. We passed all the flood, you know, like, you know when the hydro thing happens?

Good news, everyone, we mulled the reservoir. of and then they're like what the fuck did you do and that's like we thought that you'd like it we're we have a we're a festive town we have a reputation of being the most christ you know streets are like we have a reputation of being the most christmassy they do the lights and it's like look we the one-upmanship has just kept going and they've molded entire water supply boiling clove water from every tap it only comes at one temperature the idea that you could maybe put kind of christmas chimes and make them airborne so that they just wherever there is wind wherever there is air what are christmas chimes you know those like those like kind of

those bells i guess that are on santa's sleigh that they're just bells are they christmas bells maybe they are just christmas bells i apologize that I used an incorrect word. No, no, no. There's going to be a lot. There could have been a sketch in there. That's why I was asking. Yeah, yeah. No, but I'm just saying, if you could find a way to just get them at least neutrally

buoyant in within air, so that they are floating at all times like that. So then wherever the wind goes, the Christmas cheer travels with it. And so you've got mulled water coming out of the taps. You've got ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching everywhere like that. Your father, your husband, your children, they're all Santa now. We actually went and Santa'd all of the active males. Yeah. I like that this scenario is someone in their house they're sitting on their sopping

wet mulled couch their child is screaming from being bathed in boiling mulled wine and they're like jesus christ those bells won't shut up outside either i'm so happy it's christmas so festive and people from the other towns will come in and and mistake it for happiness but it's it's just you know those are the screams of happiness. I like the idea that that vibe. I'm just writing it down. We might have another guest. It would be Santa. You walk down a dark road or alleyway at night,

and behind you, you hear ching, ching, ching. You stop walking, and it stops. You start walking again. Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching. Little Christmas chimes. And. You start walking again. Little Christmas chimes. And then you start to run. I don't know where that leads, but you're somehow being pursued by a festive elf.

It sounds like a Christmas thriller. It does sound like a Christmas thriller. And there's not enough Christmas thrillers that come out every year. I think there is one. What's that one? Grinchmas? No, not Grinchmas. Not the Grinch who ruined Grinchmas. The Jim Carrey Grinch film. I mean, it was... Some people took it as a horror. Yeah, apparently it was a really bad

film, but also, you know, Jim Carrey something caused them to lose their mind, and I'm also not going to gender Jim Carrey. I think people will appreciate you doing that. Most of all, Jim Carrey. But there is one that is, I don't know the name of it, so I'm not going to help.

It's a spooky Christmas. Is that what you're talking about? It's a very spooky Christmas? No, no, no, I'm just trying to... Could it be a nightmare before Christmas? Yeah. No, is that a Halloween movie or a Christmas movie? That's a Christmas movie, isn't it?

Well, it's called The Nightmare Before Christmas. It's not so far before that it's Halloween. I mean, technically, almost everything is before a Christmas. True. And even on Christmas, you are actually before another Christmas. You know those Christmas shops that pop up? There's empty shop fronts, and for the last couple months of the year, they become Christmas shops.

And then the absolute gall and the confidence of some shops, where they're like, you know what? We're going to be an all-year-round Christmas shop. I think the idea of year-round, very seasonal shops. Yes. I love it. I'm amazed, because I have spoken to somebody who works in a Christmas shop all year round, and they say they're actually very busy.

Really? Because everyone thinks they're getting a deal the other ten months of the year? I don't know what people are thinking. I don't know. They're buying bells so they can try to make them buoyant in air. Buoyant and make every active male Santa. Active male. Active.

It's like Santa construction. Because we know Santa fucks. Well, I think it's about time that we decentralize Santa. Yes. Because Santa... It's a non-efficient model. Decentralized. Decentralized.

And so there's too much power in the hands of one man. And there's a chance that could fuck up Christmas. Because if you think about it, Santa could just decide not to. And then where are we at? We're living in a Christmas-less nightmare. Especially with all that build-up to Christmas that there is. I think that would be a real ante. I mean, I think a lot of people would probably just celebrate anyway

with Santa coming. But he's probably the only one who knows how the whole system works. Yeah. That's the problem. Needs to delegate more. Yeah. So it's sort of a program, a decentralized... I'm thinking maybe Santa needs to create a contract. Yeah. Needs to delegate more. Yeah. So, sort of a program, a decentralized... I'm thinking maybe Santa needs to create a contract.

Yeah. A contract. And if somebody knocks Santa off of a roof, they become Santa. Here we go. Yeah? Yeah. And I think... I've never heard this idea before and I love it.

I think Tim Allen could play it. Yeah. And... Play the roof? He's the roof. He does make a roof sound. Yeah, that sounds like it. That's what I was...

Mike, I think we've got more guests coming. Amazing. I have to say goodbye. Let's do it. Enjoy. Likewise. So much for your support. Thanks for having me.

And support. Network. And for all the people in your life that you've helped. And all the platforms that we've created. I look forward to earning a passive income from them shortly um i want an aggressive income passive aggressive income this is a sketch idea alistair right wow as i leave as i leave a passive about anything no absolutely absolutely no please no nobody find me no um okay wait wait before we introduce our next guest what is passive passive-aggressive income? It's where people give you money and it's almost too much, right?

I don't know if that's really the meaning of passive-aggressive, but it's certainly the meaning of aggressive. People are forcing money on you. I know, but they've got to do it in a way in which they don't engage with you. Sure. They're with you. Sure. They're ignoring you. That's if you want it to be truly passive-aggressive. I was just going from the two separate meanings of a passive income and an

aggressive income. This is one where money is forced on you against your will, but without you having to do any work. All right. It's a sketch. Thank you. It's a sketch. Yeah, thank you. It's written down. That was 79.

I am ready to introduce our next guest. Gosh, this is a smooth transition. I have forgotten your name. So please welcome our next guest, Doucher and Cass's brother. Yes! I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Well, we're meeting. Thank you so much. Nice to meet you. Hello. Hello. Hello. I saw you sanitizing earlier. Thank you for sanitizing

over there and everything. No problem. Welcome. It's such a joy. Look, you've noticedizing over there and everything no problem welcome hello yeah it's such a joy look you've noticed there's cameras and everything yeah oh shit have you seen any of it have you seen any of it you know we did we did uh and let me say you've done a lot of sketches so far yeah we're what are you at uh i'm 79 is the sketch count and how many hours uh like it's been four maybe doesn't feel like yeah it doesn't feel like four yet so that's quite good yeah but i'm 79 is the sketch count. And how many hours? It's been four, maybe. It doesn't feel like four.

Yeah, it doesn't feel like four yet, so that's quite good. Yeah, but there's some tension building up back here. Yeah, in the jaw? I reckon you guys got to take a break. Yeah, I don't think we can, yeah. But I do need to go to the toilet, so is it rude if I leave you with our guests? As someone who just pissed and almost missed the cue to come out here because I was pissing, please take a toilet break.

Thank you. From a man who's recently pissed. We've been on the podcast for a while. Has pissing changed at all? Have I missed anything about pissing? No, it's still pretty much the same process. Sort of straight across? Yeah, just straight.

Straight across? What do you mean by straight across? Straight across. You know what I like? Across the bowl. I like to think this is a new toilet, right? Yeah. Okay.

And it could be a sport. ATB, we said you've got to slow it down. This doesn't sound like an idea of a sketch idea. It is. Slow it down, dude. You've got to burn yourself out. Here's what we've not done enough is change toilets the way that – I think we've been – basically since I've been born,

do you think toilets have changed a lot in your time? Well, not in my time, but in time in general. Oh, you're right. You used to make these holes and then you had to wipe with your left hand the leaves or whatever. And then it was squat toilets, right? Which is actually the better toilet physiologically. And my lifetime Japanese japanese those fancy japanese

toilets have come out yeah absolutely yeah yeah one was the bidet built in absolutely the bidet is such a such a i mean i went to japan once and that was a real dream um it's apparently and i only know this from secondhand information but apparently uh installing what my friends keep calling a bum gun. Yeah. Basically a bidet, I guess, but for personal use at home. Not allowed in Melbourne. Crazy. You mean it's not allowed? Plumbers won't do it.

Apparently it's not allowed. Do it. Plumbers won't do it. You've got to find yourself a back alley plumber. I heard about one that got advertised on a podcast once. I can't remember if it was like WTF might've been WTF or something like that. And they made it sound like it was one you could just install yourself. Clip it on or something.

I feel like we know someone that installed one themselves, don't we? That sounds like a very dangerous thing to do. Because I mean- You don't want to mess with the water pressure. You don't want water just shooting anywhere. I mean, I think it's already actually, when it's installed accurately,

it's already shooting in the most dangerous area. The dangerous part is if you install it yourself. It might just get water. It could just go everywhere. Or you could get the whole actual nozzle in there. Welcome back. You think if you install it wrong, you'll accidentally shove the bidet up your own ass. It could happen.

That's why you've got to get a plumber. Well, that's why you've actually got to put it on the toilet. The last four hours, has pissing changed? Yeah. Did you get a straight across? Yeah. That was a shock to the system. I didn't want to ruin the surprise.

It's not just straight across anymore. It would be cool, though, if somehow we've been in here for long enough that some of the fundamental laws of the universe can change. But here was my suggestion, and I apologize for suggesting that toilets haven't changed. But I think that they could change more. Oh, more oh yeah no this wasn't a sketch idea this was just a discussion of toilets absolutely we're taking a break remember we're gonna slow down the sketches can i tell you this is a great but this oh i've got a great prank idea when you're done yeah it's rank ideas will take but no sketches you notice you notice that when you put the seat up yeah it's essentially a backboard.

Now, I've never seen a basketball in that toilet, right? You put that little square on there and you piss on that square and it bounces right back in. And this is for dude houses. The dude house toilet. I like the idea, but the unfortunate thing is that piss, when it hits a wall, doesn't just bounce back. It splatters. But what does bounce is a human shit.

Kutron shit straight across into the backboard, nothing but net. It's a real Catch-22 scenario. While piss doesn't bounce like it should, so too shit doesn't really go across in a way you'd hope. Oh, yeah, you're right. And also... You need to invent some kind of thing that's sort of... Uses the piss to power the shit.

See, here we go. A cloaca. Uh-uh, uh-uh. The solution is right there. Shit out your dick. Exactly. Get some kind of surgery and shit out the are these shit out your dick for me they're in front of me help yourself eat them yeah yeah we just had breakfast but go nuts that's good

yeah yeah great um there is well look okay look i think there's two sketch ideas in this right damn it no no no no no no they't stop sketch ideas. No, they were not sketch ideas. That was just riffs. No, no, no. No, no, no. We can't. Boss them off. We can't. Don't count them. We can't discriminate. Don't count them.

Not on 300 episodes. I'm going to tell you my prank idea. Oh? And this is for the bros. Yeah. What it is, it's a little thing. It's a little wind-up man. Oh.

Let me just say immediately I'm on board. Yeah. And what you do is you put the toilet seat up in your house, and you wind him up, okay? And then you put him just behind the toilet seat, and he's there like this. Yep. Right?

Yep. And then you wind him up, and after a random amount of time, he goes, ha, like that, and slams the toilet seat. That's good. It's exciting. Is the idea to try and slam the dick or to just try and get piss everywhere? Try to get piss everywhere. Both.

I mean, you can up the difficulty if you want. I think you could probably actually, in a bro house, even with something like this, you could probably reduce the amount of piss around the toilet. Yeah. I don't know how. He slams the lid. The piss bounces off the seat, goes all over the little man, which he loves. He loves it.

He loves it. What are you writing down, ATB? I don't know. You could also have it so that it's somehow sound activated so that he senses when somebody is using the toilet. That might be more or less fun than one that is just random and it could go anytime during the day so as in anytime during the day so but you might not be pissing yeah all of a sudden you're out of those houses where dudes are you know but you know what dude yeah it's all straight across if they're even pissing inside the house and not all around the house. Yeah, yeah.

Like dogs! Exactly. Now, I just thought of the shitting out of... If you have a cat, so you might know, but dogs, they never stop pissing. Dogs are boys. Dogs are boys, cats are girls. This was about your shitting out of dick. I just thought maybe if there was a doctor who just offers this by just moving one of the pipes.

It doesn't seem that hard, right? Yeah. You just need one of those fixtures that just has the two headings. And then it goes back into the one pipe. Because I think some people probably hate cleaning their asses. And I think that this, by having everything come out one hole. The piss cleans it itself. The piss cleans it. You don't need to wipe. You just piss that this, by having everything come out one hole. The piss cleans it itself.

The piss cleans it. You don't need to wipe. You just piss. See, that's the problem, is that giant ass and penises are both mostly self-cleaning, except for the penis is not at all. Yeah, yeah. If you've got full skin, there's a lot going on. The inside is. The inside is.

Right? And so. Wash your dicks, boys. Please. This isn't a sketch idea this is real life clean your penises but it's also easier it's just there it's not hidden within a crevice yeah like that you know the pee will do a lot of the work you know it's essentially you know that part where you you pee and you try to get poo off the side of a bowl yeah that's what's constantly happening oh my god on the inside pissing the shit off your own dick pissing the shit off your that is my children were watching earlier but i'm really

they would have just got a valuable life i'm sure andy that you've told your children that when i was a small boy my mom did specifically request that when we were peeing, if we could try and pee any shit off the box. It's helpful. Yeah. And from when I was born till when I left the house, that was probably my biggest contribution to keeping the household clean. Pissing the shit off. Yeah. But imagine, and again, just to bring back the magical phrase, maybe the catchphrase of our segment, pissing the shit off your own dick.

Yeah. Maybe we can get t-shirts made up. If you want to start selling t-shirts on Redbubble, if you can do the graphic design and start selling them and then donate the proceeds to the fundraiser for the Moving Stupid Ol' Studios that is in the bio for this thing. I thought you were going to say donate to the doctors that provide the surgery. We need funds to buy those. that is in the bio for this thing. I thought you were going to say donate to the doctors that provide the surgery to add the surgeon hole. We need funds to buy those. Well, if it's a Fred Hollows type scenario. Yeah, I'm kind of the Fred Hollows,

but for pissing out, for shitting out of your dick. Yeah, I feel like the human body already has enough holes going on. You think so? We could always do with more holes, I think. But, I mean,... You guys had to add an extra hole. What would it do and what would its function be

and what would come out of there? Yeah, I mean, this is obviously the obvious one is that you just want a hole that you can... another hole that you can breathe in that can't be blocked by food.

So you don't need to chew anymore. Eliminate chewing. Well, you still need to chew. ATB, no, because... Eat like a snake. That's what snakes have. It doesn't matter if this gets all clogged well you still need to chew it atb no because like a snake that's what snakes have doesn't matter if this gets all clogged because you still get your breathing all i mean you can just you can buy food not chewing everyone's like someone said you're gonna choke you say

don't worry about it i got that extra hole in my back oh this is a blowhole situation yeah i was thinking because you can get them in real life, the intubator things. But then I still think your throat is at risk of being blocked. Yeah. Like, when you choke... Where does the... Because I know you've got two tubes. Uh-huh.

Hold this. Okay. Point it at my mouth. Okay. You've got two tubes that go like this, and then there's one flap like that. Yeah. How far down is it?

Is it here? I don't know that they do go like that what do you mean how can it not the two lung tubes no no no okay there's two lungs and then no because there has to be for the stomach and the and the and the lung tube go just sort of parallel straight up right they don't go like that they They have to connect because it's one. It's one. It's one here. Too many holes. If it's just one hole, don't need to worry about all this. Do you think maybe what about, okay, you could reduce one hole

by just combining those two pipes, right, so that food goes down into the lungs. And then the lungs would just go like, you know, try to breathe it in, and they go, that's not air. know try to breathe it in and they go that's not air just pass it on gravy and stuff like that I remember somewhat recently I was eating birthday cake

happy birthday thank you was it your birthday? yeah it was today happy birthday you've already eaten birthday cake today oh yeah and choked on it just this morning happy birthday birthday 19 today yeah you've already birthday cake today oh yeah and choked on a base so this story's just just this is just this morning um happy birthday thank you um you've had birthday

cake breakfast and now stolen some donuts can't be stopped um but what i did this wasn't meant to last all day was it because well i've had my i've had my one bite you know it's not very covid safe but it's good rationing so i was eating a bite of birthday cake and then i coughed and it sort of it went in my lungs and i felt it rattle down my life it went oh it's a big pipe off into my lungs oh like a big caliber okay i guess it wasn't like it wasn't a whole slice it was a little i guess it was a crumb, right? But it felt huge because it didn't quite block my lungs, but it went dug, dug, dug, dug, dug into my lungs.

You think it went all the way down? I feel like it did. And then I tried to cough. Did you do this? Holy shit. No, I didn't think of it at the time because I was frightened. Oh, no, I'm going to die on my birthday this morning. When it hits the bottom, you can work out how deep your lungs are.

That's true, count how long it takes, yeah. One, two, three... Whoa! Holy shit! Then I tried to cough and then it didn't sort of go away. And I'm like, what happens now? Like, does it stay there forever? Or does it eventually digest somehow? And I never found out.

In many ways, it means that it's now forever your birthday. Whoa. Doctor talking somebody through, pushing one of those cameras down their air hole. So they're conscious. Yeah, sometimes you can do conscious pipes down. Yeah, I feel like you can, yeah, absolutely. Nobody's doing a conscious pipe.

I think you almost have to. What do you mean you almost have to? It's like, you know how you have to, some brain surgeries, you have to be awake and you have to play the banjo the whole time to make sure they don't cut the banjo knowing chord? Cutting the banjo chord is a different, that's a different, that's the dick doctor. Don't cut the banjo chord. Right, talking them through and then they say, okay, now what you see here... That's the dick doctor. Don't cut the banjo cord. Right, talking them through, and then they say,

okay, now what you see here, that's the trachea or whatever. When you're getting a vasectomy, you have to be strumming your banjo. Make sure it doesn't go out of tune. It doesn't work in context. It was like a reference to something that he said about... Atlas there. Yeah. It's the 300th episode. I know, but hang on. Wait, that was like a reference to something that he said about... Atlas there. Yeah.

It's the 300th episode. I know. Wait, that wasn't a sketch. That was just fun. That was a fun riffing. I was simply just thinking about a penis. You haven't come up with a sketch yet. You haven't done a sketch yet.

You can't be stopping this, the flow of these sketches. Doctor walks through and then... Okay, so talks him through and then shows him. Then you get down there to the lungs and you go, here's the lungs. But what's that stuff on top of the lungs? Well, every time you've choked on food, little bits of food have gone down onto your lungs and they just pile up there. It's like the back of a cinema. What if you had ants in your lungs eating all the food?

We work in a cinema, so we're talking our language. We were here earlier trying to talk about having ants crawling all over a body, pulling out her body hair. It's genetic, yeah. Is body hair a thing in your family? Just looking at you, I'm not sure. What do you mean, is it a thing? There are families. We have reverse alopecia where we have some body hair.

There are families, you know, who genetically don't have hair, I suppose. I was just commenting on the fact that you've got a lot of hair. Okay. I was going to say thank you. Thank you. I do, commenting on the fact that you've got a lot of hair. Okay. I was going to say thank you. Thank you. I do. Yes, thank you. Thanks for noticing.

Did you actually introduce yourself at any point? No, I didn't. So this is Hayden. Hello. It's great to meet you. I met Cass on the podcast two years ago. Oh, yeah, cool. Yeah.

And then earlier this morning. We're going to meet every member of your family. Yeah, right. Yeah, get Dad on next. Yeah, I think I'm going to. The Riot. Is it Riot? The Riot, right. Yeah, get Dad on next. Yeah, I think I'm going to. The riot. Is it a riot? The riot, yes.

Okay, like, yeah. Have you guys never heard that expression before? Oh, good, sorry. It means he's very funny and a lot of fun. Oh, yeah. A riot, yeah. That's weird. I thought there was a chance that maybe he was going to be violent.

Because that doesn't sound like a good thing to him. Can you have a one-man riot? I would love that. One-man riot. It's just like someone going postal, right? Yeah, that's probably what we would call a thrash. But I think a lot of the time a riot can have a political element. It doesn't have to be a total, you know, it's not a mental break.

I mean, I feel like a lot of riots are just after sports games. It's just like, oh, they didn't win the hockey, so let's fuck it up. But, you know, I'm... Well, it's Montreal. I know about riots. One-man riot. And I think, you know... Palace at the Palace, kind of a riot?

A thing where, like, you know, there's a guy who riots in the town quite a lot. Yeah, yeah. And the town sort of gets behind him and they support him because it becomes an attraction. People come to watch the one-man riot and they fence off a little area. You think they'll fence off the riot? They fence off a little area where you can riot without hurting anybody. But they fence off a protest.

That's true, but if you fenced off a riot... Riot's like one step up. People shake the fence. That's the difference. Yeah, but my question is, if you fence off the one-man riot, what's the person doing? There's no small business windows to break in that fenced-off area, right?

There's no rocks to throw. There's no fires to start. Some little ones like a prop. Oh, I see. Yeah. Like a cubby house or something that they can destroy. If he's going down the street rioting, maybe they have like when you see a wide-load truck driving down the freeway,

they have a little car that goes in front, a little car that goes behind with some flashing lights and it says, you know, riot. One man riot. You see the guy going, ah, grabs a bin. Kicks it onto the ground. Sets it on fire. Sets it on fire, exactly. And then there's a little team coming along and they clean up after him. Good job, fella.

You guys think you would riot? If the situation emerged, would you riot? Glasses of water. If this situation emerged, would you riot? Would you put a rock through a window? Would you set a bin on fire? No chance? None.

Yeah, I don't see a lot of rioting. It's rare. I come from peach growers. I don't know if you know that. But we're not rioters. Only with peaches, though. If you heard the surname

Trombley Birchwell, you'd be like peach growers. Peach growers. That would sort of fit. Yeah. Actually, I think the last be like peach growers. Peach growers. That would sort of fit, yeah. Actually, I think the last name of peach growers were altifers. Also very peach grower-y. Very peach grower-y. It's very Germanic.

Altifer, yeah. But yeah, I don't, I mean, I think I would love it to write a little bit. Yeah. I mean, it's like, it's the most. I wouldn't be able to enjoy it because I knew I was going to get in trouble afterwards. I think part of the riot is letting yourself go. That's such a human thing to riot. It's like music, sports, rioting.

Yeah. I think I would do a safe riot, like a, you know, like a riot room. If you could go, you'd go with your friends, you know. But I feel like you wouldn't get the riot sort of fire in your guts. Have you... Look, I don't know if this is a

controversial opinion but the break rooms like the break in this oh yeah i don't rate them have you been no well then shut up i don't know but like i don't want to go because i don't yeah yeah for people you don't know this is a room where you break plates and get a baseball bat and you you know smash windows i would actually hate that yeah it was a room where you could go and then glue all the little things back together after the guys broke them. Well, I think that would just be the room just 15 minutes after the first person goes in. That'd be good.

It'd be also good, a glue room. It would probably make you feel much better. Yeah. The fumes. Yeah. The glue room. I don't know what it is. I just love fixing things.

I remember once- I love fixing things. I sniffed glue by accident. Yeah. How was it? It was sick, dude. Sniffing by accident, I believe they call that a snack-cident. Snack-cident?

I feel like a snack-cident's when you... A snack-cident's when I chugged on birthday cake. Also, when you fuck up your diet would be a snack-cident as well, yeah. That was the joke I was making, in a way, because that is what people refer to. Fuck! I didn't know that! They call it a snack-cident and it's like a marketing term.

Ah, Jesus Christ. Repurposing that for a sniffing accident. Write it down. That's a sketch idea. Saying a word that means one thing and pretending it means something else. Are we doing sketches now?

I thought we weren't doing sketches. Oh, well, if it's already happened, cross I did. Yeah, I literally came up with it. Oh, well, if it's already happened, cross it off. Yeah, cross it off. Get it back down to 86, please. Room where you fix things. What I was suggesting, Alistair, is that I think, you know, you were talking about a riot where it's, you know,

nobody gets hurt, nothing gets damaged outside of you. I think in a way, when you eat bad food, you're having a little internal riot. You know, you are, you riot. You treat the inside of your body badly. And then there are consequences in the toilet department. And it is like

smashing the... You smash the shop window. What am I rebelling against? Me, who's trying to be too controlling, forcing myself to eat right. I genuinely think that that's the case. Whenever I try and give up something, I always find that I end up doing something else.

That is a common experience. When you try to do something, do something else. I know what you mean. I try and stop drinking alcohol, and then I find I really want lots of coffees. Yeah, and then you stop drinking coffee, you start smoking crack yes one with another stop smoking crack and then I start cutting limbs off wait your own limbs or other people's limbs my own limbs you know yeah that's not a great addiction because it's sort of finite right you can do it for that's actually a good way

to get off cold turkey, though. Get addicted to cutting off your own limbs. Cut them all off. You've got four goes, and then you're done. And then because you've got no limbs, you can't really do anything else. You can't make yourself a coffee, so have it too. But then you could actually be cutting

off cold turkey by just slicing cold turkey. Why do they call it cold turkey is it because you get like sweats cold sweats are you a cold turkey like goosebumps but the turkey did turkey sweat coldly i'm no a lot of them live in sort of temperate climates. So they must. So I think there would be both cold and warm. And then also, I think colder seasons are more frequent than warm, hot seasons. And so therefore, and there's night as well. And there's night as well.

So it's cold and night. Night is absolutely the winter of the day. That's true. And dawn is autumn. And dusk is spring. Oh, my God. No, dawn isn't autumn. That's the autumn. And dusk is spring. Oh, my God. No, dawn isn't autumn. That's the wrong way around.

Dawn is spring. Dawn has got to be spring. That's what I say. The opposite. It's autumn. You've made your live debut on Two and the Think Tank, and you've fucked it up. I embarrass myself.

You can't see it, but no one knows my name. He's a canvasser. Harry Beachy. Harry Beachy. Harry Beachy. What about a clock calendar? A clock calendar? Or a day calendar where you rip a page off

for every hour? Yeah. And it tells you what time it is. Yeah. When you rip it off. How do you know when to rip it off?

Great question. I'm glad you asked. You look at the sky and you use your watch. You just get in time on your watch. Oh, my God. It's 1 p.m. Why do you have to look at the sky and then your watch to figure out the time? I really think you could streamline that process.

The sky tells you where your watch is at this time. Just a reminder, everyone, you're only four hours in. How long are you guys going to go for? It's gone downhill a lot since you guys arrived. What? We haven't pitched any sketches. How can you say it's gone downhill? But no, it's the best way.

People who are watching this do want us to lose our minds. We're absolutely delivering. Fuck, in one way it feels like we've come a long way, but in another way it feels impossible. So, Andy, if you want people to hear you, you've got to talk into this one. Yeah, I was going to say, your mic technique is interesting because you're the world's most faraway man from any microphone. That's a sketch idea.

World's most faraway man. That's going to be our first sketch that we're pitching. Yeah, our first sketch, world's most faraway man. He's so far away. Is it a reality show to find the world's most far away man? You can never find him. I think it's a documentary series. Yeah, it's definitely Guinness is involved in some way.

They've sent out a person almost at them. Well, yeah. Because they can't, it's like, the person's standing on the outside looking at them. They're going, oh, yes, and they've measured the whole thing like that. And they pull it a bit further to themselves and they realize they have themselves become the world's faraway man or woman. Wow.

Well, I think what they need is the world's longest tape. Measure? I was going to say tape massage. I just couldn't think of the word measure. Measure. Tape measure. Tape measure. Yeah,. Take monsieur. Appart monsieur. Yeah, and just fiddle that along.

And why would the person be the world's most faraway man? Well, that's the mystery. That's the intrigue. If you blurt that out in the first act of episode one, no one's going to watch the series. And nobody's died in space and then just floated away yet. I don't know if they've floated away yet. Most people that die in space explode. They become charred remains. Yeah, but usually they're within the atmosphere yeah yeah what happened to the dogs the dogs

people die in space all the time but oh wait they die in the atmosphere who's anyone died in space is that don't think anyone has died in space in space apollo 13 got close they had a crack at becoming the world's and they probably would they would have floated away in the rocket maybe the russians have probably done it a bit and then not told anybody? Yeah, that is a classic space travel move. Yeah. Yeah.

You just let them float around up there. I mean, they might come down at some point in orbit. Well, yeah, if they're close enough. Because, again, with the... It's hard to... No, okay. Yeah, so I think that, like, with the Russians, because it was early-ish,

chances are it was still in the atmosphere, so they would have burnt up anyway. Yeah, you're right. Because it's not like we're... Orbit stuff. Yeah, we're not losing people. You can't orbit in the atmosphere, though, can you? No, but it's early space travel.

So kind of like what that guy that everyone hates did recently, whose name I forget. The Red Bull guy. It's us. Oh, where you just go to the... Did you say the rectangle guy? The red bull guy. The guy who jumped from space, but not really.

I love the idea of a billionaire who's a billionaire from rectangles. He invented the rectangle. Who did invent the rectangle? What do you mean? Actually, you know what? Rectangles don't appear in nature. Yeah. I think most people, most geometrists i would love to be the air to

the rectangle fortune well it'd be a ball i mean the royalties alone can you imagine there's a rectangle there's a rectangle worst thing is i feel like that you've made a very bold claim that rectangles don't exist in nature don't but i also cannot think of a single naturally reoccurring rectangles don't appear in nature. Your brain was like tree trunk, not a rectangle. You were thinking of... From the side, it looks like a rectangle. That's why. When you're drawing a 2D, it's a rectangle.

Is something looking like a rectangle being a rectangle? No 2D shapes exist, really. Well, that's true. Occasional rocks, like those skimming rocks. Not 2D, though, are they? They true occasional rocks that like you know those are skimming though are they they're close but you know yeah there's no 2d shapes really exist at all right yeah that's what i'm saying that's what you're saying okay no 2d in nature i thought you were specifying they have to be invented and then sold and they also don't exist in nature sure i know i was getting them on the technical the technicality of the thing that he didn't say.

Gotcha! A retraction? Or at least an apology. We'd appreciate that. No, sorry. Refusing to apologize on live. I'm sorry, but I won't do it. Firstly, I would picture the world's most faraway man to often be a person who doesn't have a long life like the world's oldest man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think maybe it's the opposite. Maybe they just live forever. And no one knows their secret. far away man to often be a person who doesn't have a long life like the world's oldest man or old. Maybe it's the opposite. Maybe they just live forever.

And no one knows their secret. I mean, that would be difficult to reach them. And that way we've got a lot of life in this TV show. How do we know they're alive? They wave. They go, hello! I'm so far away! We have a telescope on them. They could communicate through mime by saying, I am alive! We just a telescope on them. They could communicate through mind by saying,

I am alive! We're just texting. You've got a phone. I guess I can still use... Like a walkie-talkie or something. Like a phone? No, but like a phone. Yeah.

I guess if they're in mobile reception. A satellite phone. Well, I mean, how far away... Well, they are a satellite phone. I'm a relay, by the way. They're the trolls of satellites. Any phone that they use is a satellite phone. I'm assuming they're in space and not just on the furthest part of the Earth.

Well, it's crazy because once you get to a certain point and then the world's most far away, man, it doesn't matter how far they walk. They take one step and they're actually getting closer. Yeah, that's right. That's true. I'll say it. There actually would be a world's furthest away person man um and and they would just be on earth yeah just the most isolated at the moment right now there is someone that is the world's most far away man and it's far away from everybody right

yeah so it's got to be a hermit oh i mean it'd be someone in the middle of the desert right when i was imagining when i was imagining But they're in teams. Yeah. You don't have a one-man expedition, usually. They're somebody who crossed Antarctica by themselves. I wouldn't do that. No, me neither. Cold, I reckon.

I reckon, yeah. That's why I wouldn't cross Antarctica. Look, this is probably a big call, but it seems very boring. It's hard. I would genuinely, really love to go to Antarctica. That's, like, on the top of my list. It can't really be done. Okay, so one thing that's happened happened in lockdown and we need to talk about it because it keeps coming up is that now hayden has it but one of our other good friends who you know jackson bailey um i got obsessed with survival books to the has it and then during

the pandemic and i was waiting no no no it's no no no no no one has COVID well I mean people do but no one wins anyway we all double vaxxed by the way we are I met a guy last night at work

we'll come back to your thing he had COVID well he came in because he got to show you his certificates and he's like didn't have the right stuff oh I just had COVID

and got better so I'm fine I'm like oh my god I just got out of isolation yesterday the doctor said I'm good I'm like oh oh, my God. He was vaccinated, though.

It's all good. Let him in. Really excited. Anyway, sorry. Go back to your thing. So what has happened, and just with Hayden getting excited about being in the Arctic, being the world's most faraway man, is that Jackson and now Hayden keep reading books about stories about horrible survival things where a guy's like...

Touching the void. No, I'm fairly new. You've got to speak to Jackson B. Bailey about this. He's an expert about survival books. I'm just getting into it now. Rather than finding the survival book itself interesting, they start idolizing the fuckhead who doesn't tell his family that he's going on an adventure

and then ends up having to pull his own shit out of his own arsehole. Yeah, that's the new book I just got. Because he ate too many twigs or something. So they ate twigs, and their poo doesn't move. Well, this is the book I just got. I haven't actually read it yet. Such a thing as too much roughage.

Yes. But he falls over, gets a spike up his butt, and then has to pull the poo from the spike hole. And I'm so excited to read it. Also. As in, like. He pierces his anus. Yeah, I think so. I'm really not sure'm so excited to read it also as in like he pierces his anus yeah i think so i'm really not sure i haven't read it yet but he does have to shove his whole hand inside his butt to pull the way so he rips himself a new asshole yeah but now he starts using this as his

number one well i think it's similar oh my god this is the same thing it's circled back yeah i mean he basically did sort of a... Which means that it's not a sketch idea because it happened to a real life guy. There's also another one where this guy got lost in the desert. He got like, sort of, he got buried alive. The story he made up probably wasn't true

that you put in your reading. Like, this didn't happen. Probably he's a drug deal. A drug. What do you call it? Carter. A drug. He's a peddler.

I'm writing this new asshole. This accidental new asshole. It was my preferred asshole. he's a drug deal uh drug uh what do you call it carter a drug he's a peddler a peddler new asshole accidental new ass my preferred asshole he gets uh he gets lost in the desert has to sit he sits in a dam for like three months under this like metal sheet eating leeches his book's like turns out leeches are delicious i love leeches uh anyway does that for a bit gets rescued after three months then goes back to write the book uh get some photos. And then he gets stuck at the same dam again. Getting stuck in the same place twice. How did he get stuck at a dam? So he got buried alone in the desert, right?

He wasn't bogged in. Oh, right. He wasn't bogged. But buried. He was buried initially at a very shallow grave by a group of people. The people he blamed, I don't think, did it. I think it was drug people.

Yeah. But I don't want to write that in a book. Sand is the easiest thing to dig out of. Exactly right. So he was mostly... I don't think it was he was buried. He was in a pit wrapped in a tarp and for some reason

didn't take the tarp with him. I feel like if you have a tarp in a survival situation, that's a godsend. He left it there. What a moron. Anyway, was walking. This is in the middle of, like, Western

Australia. You've told... What? You told the story in, like, dot points, and now you're going back and just expanding the dot points, but not really explaining it. I'm getting to it! What was the first run of the story, then? The craft of

storytelling, okay? I have to go... I gotta get a bit of sizzle. Ooh, he's stuck at the dam a second time. How does this happen? Well, let me take you back to the start. I'll explain it all. And then you tell him again.

So he's walking through the desert, finds a dam, hunkers down at the dam, because he's in the middle of nowhere on a cattle station. There for three months, eating leeches and frogs and cockroaches and stuff. And then, he's rescued. No, but how does he get stuck

in a dam? Not stuck, he's just nowhere else to go. So he's like, in the middle of the desert, he's taking refuge at this dam. A dam in the desert? It's on a cattle station. It's on a cattle station, so it's a man-made dam, but on a giant cattle station, like, thousands of kilometers long. So, no one's checking the dam, and it's like it's on a cattle station it's not a cattle station so it's a man-made dam but on a giant cattle station like thousands of kilometers long so no one's checking the dam and it's hot so he has to stay by the dam because it's got water and leeches he's walking through the desert he's a dead man then he's addicted to the leeches and he loves leeches right uh he tried

to kick the habit then just started eating frogs um so he's there having a good time well terrible time but he's loving leeches then he he gets rescued three months later, right? Then he gets fine, goes to hospital. The whole time he's talking about drinking strawberry milkshakes. Like, I just want to drink a strawberry milkshake. And then he drinks a million strawberry milkshakes. When he was in hospital as well. He's got a great diet this time.

In hospital, he stole the staff microwave and was just microwaving stuff under his bed in hospital because they wouldn't give him enough food. Anyway, he goes back to write the book. Microwaving strawberry milkshakes. He's driving there in a Camry, which is not a desert vehicle. Tell you what, drinking a strawberry milkshake is as close as a human being

gets to being a leech. Right? I imagine it's a real leech. You know, you're drinking a reddish liquid through a you know you puncture the top and you know milk is is filtered blood and we know milk and if you're microwaving them in it then they're probably warm yeah i think this guy might be a leech maybe well he did eat a lot it's like a reverse vampire but a leech sit you know what i mean yeah reverse vampire but a leech situation like a you know what I mean? Yeah, reverse vampire but a leech situation.

That's a classic move. If you bit a bat and you become a vampire, it's like that but with a leech. Anyway, goes to take photos of the dam, right? And they don't really tell anyone. And then he gets stuck at the dam a second time for the night. Was your plan to come on here and tell really long stories to make sure that we don't get any sketch ideas? I didn't tell it right. Okay know so he gets buried in there so he gets why wait so he's the idea that having a warm it's it's it's it's it's a it's a cafe it's a cafe having us on very early

may have been a mistake our sanity is online on the line here but and then and then you it's a cafe where you can go and it's you know it's called leeches and you go and only drinks strawberry milkshakes well not not only strawberry milkshakes but most of the things are liquid uh-huh everything i like that most of the things not everything bubble tea style thing where there's that seal we gotta pierce it've got to pierce it. You pierce it with the thing. Okay, and then you suck it up. Everything's served at body temperature. Oh. Seven degrees.

Beautiful. Perfect. Perfect breeding temperature for bacteria. Yeah, I was going to say terrible for, yeah. What they call the danger zone. Yeah, they have a machine that just zaps something right to the danger zone. Yeah, yeah. It's a real highway to the danger zone.

It's also an extreme sport. Yeah, it's a microwave and under a bed. And under the bed. How do you hide a microwave under your bed? Those hospital beds are often quite high up. Yeah. So they'll be like, did you steal a microwave? I was about to say, so he was...

No one is working in a hospital. He's going around unplugging his equipment that's plugged into a bed. That's a very good point. So you can get away with a lot. He was returning it in a hospital. No, I forgot to say. That's a very good point. You can get away with a lot. He was returning it in the mornings. That's classic. He would steal it at night, cook lots of food, popcorn and such, under the bed and then return it in the morning. I heard about this guy.

Is this the night cooker? Did you know he was buried alive? Whoa. Stuck in a dam not once. I just heard the legend of his night cooking. Let me explain. So he got stuck in a dam twice, two times. Now, what is a scenario in which you're in hospital,

they're not giving you enough food, but you seem to have an unlimited access to food and strawberry milkshakes, but you can't get any of the food warm? How does that – that's my question about all of this. I don't really care about – The dam. The dam or how he wound up in a hole that they didn't fill in. Yeah.

Wrapped in a tarp he didn't take. I wouldn't care less about why he didn't take the tarp with him. I want to know where's the food coming from for the microwave? And if he's got access to food, why doesn't he have access to his own microwave? People are bringing – He's in the ICU, hasn't eaten for like three months except for leeches delicious delicious leeches uh-huh and then they wouldn't give him enough food because when you come back from starvation you got to do it slowly right so your tummy's tight just a tight tummy so i just

got one question so where's the food coming yeah so like so you don't get any food and his thing is oh i somehow have lots of food. I just wish it was a bit warmer. So where did the food come from? His thing is that he has no food, but he wants food. The microwave... I think this is your confusion. Microwaves don't make food.

You're thinking of a pantry or a fridge. They don't have food in the other sense of making food, as in cooking. It doesn't prepare. They prepare food, yeah. To answer your question, I don't remember. I forget. Okay, great. Well, this book doesn't sound very good.

It's not. It's terribly written because he wrote it and he's not an author. He's some dumb guy. He got trapped at the same damn place. He's a dumb guy. But very capable at surviving for long periods of time on foods that you probably wouldn't want to eat. Especially cold. I wonder, you know, when you're in a survival type situation, they tell you a lot of things.

Like, you know, if food is limited, they might tell you don't move around too much, don't use up too much energy, don't go out in the sun, that kind of thing. I wonder if there's a point at which you can get marginal gains by being like, don't think too much. How much energy does thinking use? It must use some. It must use some. Well, actually, because when you get really starved and stuff, you go all dizzy and your brain gets all fuzzy. So I guess it has to use some energy, yeah,

because you don't have enough to think properly. I reckon they might tell you that when you've got anxiety problems. Yeah, stop eating. You don't think too much like that and you go, why? What will happen? What will happen if I think too much? Well, maybe this is the kind of thing, because don't monks sit there for seven years or whatever just meditating? It sounds like something that they say that they do.

Yeah. I would say that. You know what? This is like Andy's thing with massage. Andy doesn't believe in massage. It exists. I've seen it. I would say that. You know what? This is like Andy's thing with massage. Andy doesn't believe in massage. It exists. I've seen it. I don't believe.

Don't believe in massage. Like massages. That it does anything. What do you mean? You've never had a good knot worked out? Okay. I don't like. Okay.

So. Exactly what your sister said. You would be not city. This has come up twice in four and a half to five hours already. Yeah. I know. I bring it up a lot. He brings it up. No, no, no. Okay? Yeah, I know. I bring it up a lot.

No, no, no. Okay, no, no. So I'm not a massage guy. The idea of getting a massage is deeply unpleasant to me. But I understand why they would work because it's... Why? Why would they work? But it's opening the blood flow to the muscles. Yeah, it relaxes the tension that you're holding from your stress.

See, this is what you're saying is gobbledygook. What do you mean it's like there's okay you've never had it you gotta understand there's blood in muscles sure there's blood and the muscles constrict and retract when you use them yeah yeah and sometimes they can kind of get stuck they get stuck do they get they get tense okay i i agree that us all not knowing enough about how massage works is not going to help to convince anyone. All right, Andy, Andy, Andy. Have you ever been really stressed and you've been clenching your jaw?

Yeah. It's just that. It's just that, but in parts of your back and stuff too. What I do then, I just open my jaw. Yes, but it's hard to relax like you have these muscles. I'm actually stopping believing in massage now. Yes. Yes.

It's literally the first time I've ever convinced Alistair of anything. But I've had a massage and I've felt limber after. You think it's just placebo? Could be. It genuinely could be. Have you had a placebo before? They're unreal. They just do whatever they tell you they're going to do.

I think placebos get a bad rap. Because if you have a placebo effect as long as you're still having a good time like it's done it may as well have been the right medicine you know what i mean i absolutely agree i think we should be developing more concentrated placebo sometimes people they take a medicine uh-huh like my my wife has to take an injection for you know uh arthritis kind of stuff rheumatoid arthritis you should switch switch it out with sugar we'll see what happens doesn't work right so sometimes it's like oh you go oh this one is actually isn't working to help you know the thing now what if they told her that

it was just a placebo and so she got the placebo effect so at least that worked and then medicine would do a little extra i think the problem is we're telling people that it's medicine all right so that'll make a lie about So we should tell them it's a placebo. No, I think you have to tell them it's medicine for the placebo. No, you say it's a placebo. So this is the placebo. Oh, but it is actually medicine. Yes.

Yeah, it actually is medicine. Tell them it's a placebo. You have to do three layers of it, right? So you've got to say it's medicine. That's where you tell the story level. Placebo. Yeah. That's a bit of sizzle. There's three layers. I'll go through them individually. Okay, yeah, please. layers of it right so you got to say it's medicine because the placebo story level placebo yeah that's a bit of sizzle there's three layers and i'll go through them individually okay yeah please um so i did year 11 psychology okay so i actually sort of know what i'm talking about this is where you

learn a lot of stuff about massages um so placebos work if you think it's medicine they also work after once you know it's a placebo but i think you have to be tricked first if you think it's medicine. They also work after once you know it's a placebo. But I think you have to be tricked first. You say it's medicine, you get the medicine effect, or the placebo effect, you get two. Then you say it's a placebo, and then they go, oh, it's a placebo, and then you get the double, and then you say it's medicine again.

I don't. And then you get the double, and then you say it's medicine again. I don't. And then you get the medicine effect and the placebo effect again. And then you tell me it's placebo again, you get double placebo. You take one pill, you take it, you say it's medicine, you're like, I feel better. And then we're like, it's actually a placebo. And you feel even better, and then we say it's medicine again. And you feel three times as good.

You get three times the effect. No, you get three times the effect. Yes, yes. You might continue to feel some positive effects of a placebo after you've been told it's a placebo. But you don't get an additional hit when you're told it's a placebo. It's not like, what a placebo! It would be good though, if that did work.

That's why I'm writing down three-tiered placebo eye effect, because they just keep calling you up, you go, no, no, it's actually medicine. What? That makes sense. It's placebo. And it keeps going. Then your brain can't stop it.

What we need to unlock, the magic ingredient for medicine is this. And it keeps going. And your brain can't stop it. What we need to unlock, the magic ingredient for medicine is this. That is, we've got to unlock that. You get the rush. I think it's called... Amygdala. Amygdala. You just eat an amygdala. I have to go pee.

You just eat an amygdala. I have to go pee. Yeah. Okay. So could you give someone an injection and tell them that it's, so they give them an injection. And it's half medicine, half placebo. You tell them it's a placebo. Yep.

Right? Okay. But then you show them a video of you giving them another injection, but while they weren't looking. Okay. They had the same test. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Masked by the original thing. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And then they go, and then you say, now that was the real medicine. Right? They get another hit. Okay. At the same time. Uh-huh. Yeah. Masked by the original thing. Uh-huh. And then you say, now that was the real medicine, right? They get another hit. Yeah, yeah. Then you say, that was actually a placebo. Uh-huh.

Show them another video from another angle. Another injection from the other butt cheek. Uh-huh. And you just keep them, just keep hitting them. So it's like the three-tiered placebo effect times three, because there's three injections, so you're hitting them. So pretty much nine times the effectiveness. I'm not relying on the original three-tiered which i have but we combine them we combine

those methods a real cocktail of placebo nine to possibly 12 times the effect um i think write down cocktail of placebos yeah yeah fair enough it's not here to stop me and also i think that uh doctors if you're watching which which I know you are, you should experiment with these ideas in the sense of maybe just debasing your patients to a point where they have no idea what is going on is good for treating all ailments. Placebo medicine. Placebo medicine. You're sick.

You're not. Have a good day. I don't know what's going on. I don't know. I'm fine. Well, they come in They're sure they're sick They leave, they're not sure of anything anymore

That's progress That's what you want A doctor that Doctor of confusion You need to break reality a bit It's like you know how Patch Adams was a clown doctor He is a magician doctor He fouled them and confuse them.

All right, I'm writing that down as well. 95. We just need the power of misdirection. Yeah. It's over here. Or is it? Did you get a lone sausage out of a... Lone veggie sausage.

Oh, my God. I thought it was a cigar, and I was like, yeah, that's fair enough to celebrate. Oh, we should have brought some cigars in. I assume you can smoke in here, right? You can smoke in here. It'd be fine to smoke in here. You guys are about to move out anyway. It's fine. Water.. Oh, we should have bought some cigars in. I assume you can smoke in here, right? You can smoke in here. It'd be fine to smoke in here. You guys are about to move out anyway. It's fine.

Water. Do you need a wetty? Can I get you a wetty? I'm going to have a wetty. That would be great. Yeah, great. I've written down a couple of ideas while you were gone. Yeah.

Just have a look. If you've got any questions, we can fill you in. Can you believe he didn't offer us a wetty? What are we? Chopped liver over here. Yeah, go on. Yeah, all right. I'm not sure where they are.

Thank you. It's water. Yeah, go on. Yeah, all right. I'm not sure where they are. Thank you. It's water. Yeah, it's a glass of water. We just think that, you know, this is just in the dumb world of the podcast. Wet is probably called wet because it's linked to water. Wet, wet, yeah. It should either be what or water should be wet, wetter. Yeah, yeah.

But then what's when something is wetter? Something is more wet. Well, then you add another T. That'ster. Yeah, yeah. But then what's when something is wetter? Something is more wet. Well, then you add another tea. That's water. Yeah, okay. And so then, from there... What happened to all the water? I like that you are gesturing like it's a cigar with this veggie sausage.

And so you say, yeah! When you went to the bathroom, was there like a goblin or something that just scared or frightened you? Because you seem very frazzled. Yeah, I know. He drug you shut. A lot of hours have gone by already. What is cocktail of placebos? Okay, so Andy really didn't like Hayden's three-tiered placebo effect.

really didn't like Hayden's three-tiered placebo effect. But instead, Andy pitched an idea where simply doctors inject you in the leg with an injection. I can't believe I got in trouble for telling the same incredible story twice and now we're retelling the same sketch straight away. You know what? We don't have to do it.

No, no, I think we do. I think we do. Trust. I'll trust. And you can play the tapes back. Play back. If you're watching this live, just press pause for a second. Hit back. You'll trust. Because he explicitly, and you can play the tapes back. Play back. If you're watching this live, just press pause for a second, hit back. You'll remember. You were there. He was like, look, I'm going to write it down.

Don't worry about filling in ATB. But I feel like it's vital. Because also, if those sketches happen when you're not here, you don't want to end the episode knowing that you've only done 298 sketches. That's true. That's a good point. You're right. Holy shit.

That's a lot of wetty. That's a lot of wetties. Let's get a close-up of that. Which one is an individual? Your back is facing all of the cameras. There's no chance we're getting a close-up of that. Thank you very much for this wetty. My glass is slightly tinted, which is fun.

Yeah, yeah. It's nice. No. Nice. Water. Wetty water your water molecules yeah so we're just going back through the three tiered injection system you

came up with Andy oh yeah really proud of that ATB has a lot of questions and I feel like you're the right person to ask dragons never existed but we make it seem like they did right well yeah every culture i feel like we're moving on every culture including cultures that don't have reptiles have dragons cultures that don't have reptiles yeah like in the like in the right

up north and like the the snow places there's no reptiles up there, but they have dragon imagery. Then cultures didn't migrate and things like that. That's true. They probably did tell each other about it. Yeah, you're probably right. But I think it's cool that every culture has dragons. Here's a thought that I've always had. If I was back in the early days and I had become, let's say, the world's farthest man for a while,

and I was in my own culture, and maybe I was just pregnant with triplets or whatever. And so I was going to be able to give birth and continue a civilization that was based entirely on my own knowledge and things like that. I think I would have been the first culture that would have never figured out bread. I think that it's too hard with wheat, right? So it's not even wheat. Like wheat, for example, it's like a grass. It's only just like a little bit of it that you eat. And then you, not only that, then you've got to do stuff to it.

Then you've got to like dry it maybe. Then you've got to grind it. And then you've got to add it to water. So you're like, oh, yeah, I'm going to dry it and then add water. Yeah, that sounds fucking insane. Yeah, that's a good point. Why can't you just bake wheat so it's bread? Yeah, that sounds fucking insane. Well, yeah, that's a good point. Why can't you just bake wheat so it's bread? Yeah, exactly.

If you're drying it and then wetting it, isn't it already just bread? Yeah, we've really streamlined bread. Just put the wheat in. It's got water already. And so I don't know how to make this into a sketch. Yeah. But the first culture that couldn't figure out bread. Every time I'm thinking about something like this like even shit like preserving olives i'm like so what you just accidentally

dumped a bunch of olives in some rancid water and left them there for like a month and then you're like i'm gonna try that was that vinegar yeah but what in your mind was rancid water i guess i guess vinegar or whatever they used to – For pickling, it's vinegar. It's a brine, so it's vinegar and water and salt. And oil maybe as well, yeah. I mean – Is brine just supposed to recreate the ocean? The ocean.

No, I noticed – I think the ocean is half vinegar. There's got to be some acidity in there. CO2. That's what CO2 is, right? Yes, acidification of the oceans, baby. That's what CO2 is, right? Yes. It's acidification of the oceans, baby.

It's happening. Look at it. It's all happening, man. CO2 is vinegar? CO2 is vinegar. All right, everybody. Write it down. Acid. Acid.

It doesn't have to be vinegar. It could be... What's that? What's that? Acetone? Acetic acid? Acetic acid. Now, has anyone...

Acetic... That's the dangerous stuff. Acetic, acetic. Thank you. I was agreeing with you. I know, I know, but we need to laugh. But then you laughed. Right.

I banged you up, but then you... Right, this podcast should just be us politely agreeing with each other. That would be good. Yes, acidic acid, yes. Yeah. So, um, we... What are you writing down, ATP? A guy who leads a culture who couldn't figure out bread.

Okay, yeah, yeah. It's the last days. We're dying out. Maybe somebody comes and tells us about bread from another culture, and then I go, there's no way. So it's people like us who've never had to make bread from scratch. We're surviving somewhere, wherever, and we're trying to, between us, agree how bread is made.

And somebody's explaining that you've got to dry it out and then wet it and stuff. And then, you know, obviously there's a big debate, right? It turns into a, you know, we're trying to resolve it via a roundtable discussion, work out how to make bread from first principles, just via conversation. Maybe we have a piece of bread.

We just have our last piece of bread. We need to make this. We need to reverse engineer it. We need to talk about what to do. Get from A to B. I also like that in your civilization you started it and also it's dying out in your lifetime.

That's what would happen. Figure it out. You recruit like four dudes to come hang out. You couldn't figure out bread and they start dying. There's gonna be leaders that fail immediately. Hey, wanna join to join my team yeah we're all dying i yeah it does stress me about like the idea of me as a caveman because i don't know if there's

much stuff that i could figure out well here's the thing it wasn't one person that figured out how to smash rocks yeah but also i'm one figured out how to smash it a bit another person figured out a bit more and then someone figured out how to sharpen the blade. It's a team effort. What about a biopic about the guy that was the second guy, so not the one that first hit the thing to make the knife, nor the guy

that hit the thing the last time to make a knife, but the guy who thought to do it again and he's often forgotten. It's a biopic about the man. The second strike. The second strike. The man to hit a rock with another rock.

Yeah. So it's second time. In a certain way. In a certain way. First man to hit a rock a second time. The first man to hit a rock, he's been done to death. I'm sick of him seeing his story told.

Ditto the last man to hit a rock. The last man is obviously... That story has been told, has been done to death. But where I think there is still fresh meat on this bone, because it hasn't been scraped away yet, an efficient stone knife, is the first man to

hit the rock twice. A second time. Because that's what opened the door to multiples of one. He was really the one who was coming up with the discovery. And really, what opened the door to multiples of one. Yeah. He was really the one who was coming up with the discovery. And really, he was the first person to try something a second time. Oh, my goodness. Until then, people tried once and went,

eh, that's as good as it's going to get. Perseverance. He invented perseverance. Yes, he did. That's what we'll call him. Name him after that ship. That satellite or whatever it was. Chronologically.

Chronologically. Ship or satellite persevere which one is that is that i know that is something mars maybe it's the one of the mars rovers or something like that or something that landed on an asteroid the perseverance yeah although robots don't need to persevere because they don't have motivation i think they have they have the the best kind of motivation it's inbuilt into their brain it's code they are they are designed specifically to do something. That's the most motivation you can have.

What perseverance would require is that you have to overcome the – Overcoming not wanting to do it? Yeah. Yeah, I guess. It's like you're just a rock falling down a hill. Or the second rock to ever fall down a hill. See, that story I haven't seen. Well, we do it about people.

We often do these things about people. A biopic about a person. But what about things? What about the first volcano? That's just documentaries. No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. I want it to be treated like a person.

Yeah, yeah. The first non-biological biopic. Yeah. Taking the bio out of... It's a geopic. I was going to say the same thing. Nice. Look.

I'm pretty sure the bio in biopic stands for biography, but... It stands for biology. Biology picture. You're wrong. Okay. That's fair enough. I don't think there's anything in this. I agree.

Okay. I agree. What do you mean? There's not a sketch in the second guy to hit a rock? No, no, no. There is a guy... There is a sketch in the first man to hit a rock the second time. It's pretty rich coming from the guys.

We're not going to write down any sketch ideas, guys. You've come a long way. I mean, it took us 100 episodes to get the bar this low. I was on an episode before the 100th episode. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I've done this before.

Wow. The only sketch I can remember is it started with jazz being the notes you don't play, and then we opened a bar called Pablo Opera Bar. This is just nonsense for you guys because you've done 300 episodes. I think it was nonsense. But for me, I think I've've done two maybe three episodes of two and this is the second time on the podcast today that somebody has mentioned jazz being the notes you don't play so we're obviously very diverse we have so much going on look i'm actually trying

to think of another sketch that could be involved in in uh okay uh the world's most famous jazz musician standing on stage in silence. Everyone's like, my God, it's the notes he's not playing. Surely, though, if it's the notes you don't play, then people who've never played jazz in their lives are the greatest jazz musicians. No, because they're not not playing. They're just not playing. Yeah, it's not not playing notes.

It's just not playing. Different things, Andy. You've got to be holding an instrument to not play notes. Yeah, and you have to know what notes you're not playing. I'm not playing jazz right now, but now I am wonder whether you understand i wonder whether they really know the notes they're not playing yeah i think they might yeah i remember i was listening to some experiment this is a great story by the way tell it two or three times how many leeches do they eat once like once i hit this the third time you'll really get it but But I was listening to an experimental jazz album,

and the guy I was listening to, you know this guy, he was like, yeah, it's good if you know how to piece it back together. I'm like, what the fuck does that mean? I don't know how to piece back together a song that already exists. People know. People know. Yeah. Look, I don't know who said's who said that but apparently i know him

and i wish i didn't that's a horrible thing to say i think there's just an element in which like some of those people that are going like like you know kind of coltrane type stuff like yeah i don't know if there's time to even think about the notes you're actually playing i think you're just like the ones you're not yeah and so look there's a possibility But I want somebody Is there a documentary in calling bullshit on it? I don't think that there Anti-Jazzman or whatever Someone who hates jazz

Wait, you think jazz is a conspiracy And you're gonna blow it wide open Yeah, I don't know These people are not talented I do like that this is potentially A third making a movie Basedbased sketch in a row. We've got the guy who hit the rock the second time. Oh, my God.

Okay, okay. We'll move way out of it. Okay, right. Elephant trunks as an alternative to your ass. Oh, we're back to... That's shitting out your dick! That's shitting out your dick! Oh, that's shitting out your dick.

You're right. But I guess... Elephants smell through their nose. Up at 97. We're actually hitting 97. The count's just 96. I think elephants that have trunk erections. Oh, trunk erections.

Oh, trunk burners. They shoot us straight across. Well, yeah, they shoot us straight across. And they also, I imagine, that that would be really bad for them. You know, especially if they didn't make them go down, that would be bad. Or a thing for elephants to die of. And I also think it would be bad because it's too silly and embarrassing for us to have a good fundraiser for, you know?

Uh-huh, uh-huh. I think that celebrities and that sort of thing aren't going to want to... Yeah, soften those trunks. To support and to lend their face to the problem of elephant trunk boners. Yeah. Trunk boners. Trunk boners. Trunk boners. Trum boners. Trunk boners. Trunk boners. Trunk boners.

Trunk boners. Trunk boners? Trunk boners. Trunk boners. Elephant trunk boners. I think that way they would put money towards it. Okay. Yeah.

But, yeah, I think, you know, and then we have also the broader class of things that are too – that will never get solved, certainly not by the celebrity class who we rely on to solve everything. Yeah. Because they are not – they are too embarrassing. So in this – so on the human body, when anyone with a penis gets an erection, That is usually a sign of sexual stimulation, and an ejaculation will... Or some movement or whatever that's occurred at all. Yeah. Or like if you slip to Viagra or something.

Yeah, yeah. Be a chemical situation. Right, that is another way in which an erection can be achieved. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see if we can find any more. Let's see if we can find any more. There are always ways to get erections, and the first person who can't think of one loses.

Yeah. Okay. I was just wondering. So like, obviously, ejaculation usually results in the loss of an erection. Is that what we need to do? So basically what I'm asking is if elephant trunks are boners, are they- What are they waiting for? They ejaculate through the trunk?

Yeah. What makes them boners? And isaculate through the trunk? Yeah, what makes them go... And is the fundraiser to jerk off elephants? I... What's the natural remedy? What's the natural property? How do we fix this? Why are they getting steeped?

I mean, it probably... Is it funny? You might have to stimulate the trunk and then they make some sneeze or something like that. Yeah, a bit of pepper or a feather or something. Is the video that we're releasing celebrities singing Imagine whilst jerking off elephant trunks.

I think that's the problem, is that elephants don't want to have their trunks elevated. So it's actually quite difficult to firstly train people to do it, and get the elephants to cooperate and help them from this debilitating thing. from this debilitating thing. It is also, and it's something that is haunting my brain and I need to share, but if elephant trunks are erect, imagining elephants fucking with their trunks. Oh. So you just didn't have to. It's a very, very funny shape.

Well, they basically do that anyway, because when they're in a row and they're holding each other's tails with their trunks. Oh, yeah. It's just that. You know what? You're right. It's actually a really friendly kind of thing.

It's actually really nice. You've actually kind of ruined it. I didn't. We just established that I didn't ruin it. We just established that it was actually nice. It's actually nice. You didn't ruin it. It's actually nice.

It's actually full-on nice. Everyone says so. You can't see chat right now, but I can see the chat. It's actually nice. It's full-on nice. It's nice. I think for elephants, family is the most important thing. And I think what you brought...

And the mafia, those are the ones. And the mafia have a lot in common. They often, mafia members, don't forget. And so they will... Famously. And they're also hunted for their rich ivory. Yeah, I mean, often i guess they are doing well uh yeah partially because they're actually working two jobs yeah i'm there in that grind set they're hustling very successful waste disposal business yeah and that's what's great rug store we you know it's like that it's

illegal to be to be hard working that's what think that's wrong, is to congregate. I also think that we all work too hard and it's shamed upon by society for people to have two jobs. You see, and I think... I also agree with the premise. I think that... Can I also say? I also agree. Thank you. Okay.

So I think that people up to get money out of them or to... Wait, are you going to say the mafia is bad? I don't know. Okay. So I think that beating people up to get money out of them or to send a message. Wait, are you going to say the mafia is bad? I don't know. Okay. Did I say bad? I didn't say beating people up. I thought that's where you were going to go with it. Sorry.

Now, okay, what about this? What about a... I'm more interested in this mafia. Well, it is related to the mafia. Uh-huh. Okay, because you do beat up guys to send a message. What if that was the only form of communication? So that was the basis of, instead of the telephone,

instead of Alexander Graham Bell sending the telephone. He invents a fist fight. You drag in some guy off the scene, beat him up, you tell him the message you want to send, and then that's what goes on. And then it's a message so you can still speak because i want i worry that it's you know that that if it's the only way that you can communicate sure it might just be that you know he goes close to your water fountain whatever like

that and you're like what's my water fountain let's use let's use this new technology and you go beating up beat him up. And then he leaves. But he's not 100% sure what the message is. Until he comes back to the water fountain and beat him up again. Then he knows what the message is. Stay away from the water fountain.

I'm trying to use it to send a message to my grandmother. Hey, meet me for lunch on Saturday. Exactly right. What was the first message said over the to my grandmother. Hey, meet me for lunch on Saturday. Exactly right. And so, you know, what was the first message said over the telephone? It was something like, hello, Mr. Watson, come here at once,

or something like that was the first. Elementary, my dear Watson. That's what it was. That was what it was, yeah. No shit, Sherlock, was the response. Hey, hey, hey. That's a sketch. Write it down. Sherlock Holmes answering charlotte coates answering the

phone charlotte coates answering the phone the first phone call being to john watts you know and then so that is good that's the best one of the bedraggled guy showing up at the lovely old grandma's and it's like john says hello yeah right yeah and then he staggers off down the street right yeah that's how you send a message but the thing is when when says hello when when mafia men send a message yeah usually the message is fuck you right negative message and it's sometimes the message is to the person they're beating up and sometimes it's their family or whatever.

Yeah. Actually, wait. If we... Can we... Because Mafia also sends messages other ways where they, you know, leave horses' heads in beds.

Yeah. That kind of thing. Could we open it up? Your knowledge of the Mafia may have come from one movie. Actually, it's... No. My Mafia knowledge

comes from references to the movie that I haven't seen. Yeah. That's perfect. They did it in The Simpsons, I think, so that I haven't seen. That's perfect. They did it in The Simpsons, I think, so that's how I know. Could we open it up to just mafia messages? Yeah, mafia tech.

We are using the technology, the information technology revolution that comes from the ways in which mafiosos have been able to communicate. When somebody beats up the guy or puts the horse in their bed, but it's them trying to say hi to their grandma, does the person who gets beaten up then walk to the grandma and just say, hello? I think you have to put the horse's head in your grandma's bed. And then you've written on it, I'll see you at lunch.

Well, yes. But you can't use paper to do that. It has to be in the blood. You have to make the horse say it? Or you get a bunch of horse's heads and you spell it out. It's very horsehead intensive. Or you as the mob boss sending your goon to go see your grandma and he hits her in the back of the head and says,

Johnny says hello. Like that? Yeah. I guess that could work as well. Yeah. I mean, obviously, I think over time, you know, these technologies become more advanced and evolved. Yeah.

And probably we would, you know, no longer use full horse's heads. We'd probably have a system of small horse's heads. Yeah. That actually, you know, can be really easily arranged, flipped together or whatever to spell different words, and then you'd just put that into a bed. It's probably not even a real bed. It's probably like a little bed that's on a stick at the end of their driveway. It's basically sending a letter, but it's done with a little bed.

You lift up the covers of the little bed. You put the horse's heads in there, arrange to spell whatever you want to say. You put the covers back on. They come out in the morning, bleary-eyed. They turn back the covers of the little bed. You put the horse's heads in there, arrange to spell whatever you want to say. You put the covers back on. They come out in the morning, bleary eyed. They turn back the covers. Ah! We got a message! You know? Yeah, yeah. You just use the muscle fibers to weave.

Horse muscle fibers. You don't have to use a whole head. You weave like a little bit of parchment or something like that. You write on it with a pen. That's good. Veins to make the words. That's really disturbing to me for some reason.

That's the worst. It's disturbing. It's a meat lattice. That's what you're picturing. And I mean, look, meat paper while we're here. Meat paper. Meat paper while we're here. Meat paper.

You think a lot of the time basket weaving and things like that that uses plants yes but what about a culture that isn't plant about a more unsustainable method right and then they of course will have also needed uh you know tapestries and whatnot yeah they needed tapestries every culture needs tapestries yeah maybe this was your culture in the far away land where you didn't have bread and they had meat. We just had lots of livestock. Well, I mean, figuring out how to cook meat is surely easier than figuring out how to make bread. Oh, absolutely.

You'd just be one of those cavemen that eats all meat and dies at the age of 15. Yeah, sick. From too much cholesterol. Look, I'm really apologizing. I'm going to write down meat tapestries, meat tapestry culture. Sure. We're nearly at 100 then? That takes us to 100.

Wow. Meat tapestries was 100. Meat tapestries took us over the line. I think we should come up for people who are listening to this later on, we should drop some keywords that they can tweet at us to let us know that they've listened this far in the episode. Joel and Hayden. They're the words.

That's good. The thing you have to tweet. People will message that anyway. They're like, we're upset about these particular people. This is the code word to know that we've listened to this point it's twitch.tv forward slash Hayden

Hayden Hayden Hayden H that's my twitch handle my twitch link post that on your twitter and that's how we'll know no okay so no that's a good one it is Kasparov is the code word And that's how we'll know. No, okay. No, that's a good one.

It is Kasparov is the code word. Kasparov. I'm picturing. I'm not the Russian man. Well, it's a Russian version of that ghost. Yeah, great. Which ghost? It's Kasparov. Oh, Kasparov.

Okay, that makes sense. Kasparov, the friendly ghost-erov. That's good stuff. Is there a sketch idea in that? I mean, it's pretty... Russian Casper. It's pretty intoxicating to see that we've got to 100 sketch ideas. Yeah, you're a third of the way there.

I had no idea at the time. Do you want to know, or do you kind of want to live in this... But it is like, you know, being in this dark room, it is super disorienting, and it has just been... You've had two men come in and actively disrupt the process. Yeah, really what we needed. What did Kasparov do?

Gary Kasparov? Yeah, was he a chess player? Chess Grandmaster. Did he invent any moves? What's his unfinished business? Yeah, what's his unfinished business? He died mid-game. It was a stalemate or something. Really? That was his last one? No, no, no.

We're trying to figure it out. I'm saying Kasparov, the friendly ghost, his unfinished business was like, Kate, Rob, ATB! Did Gary Cosperov really die and come back as a little ghost? Does he really only have four fingers? I think I heard that he ran against Putin at some point. I think he did.

And then now he can't go back to Russia. Yeah, that makes sense. A lot of people can't go back to Russia. Yeah, that makes sense. Things are working well. In order to avoid becoming president. So he's actually off the friendly ghost. Yeah. So he's unfinished business. He's unfinished business. He's on a mission to quickly finish his business so he can die

peacefully. I'm going to write this down. There's almost nothing there. Almost is not nothing though. If I had an office furniture company, and I was a ghost, I would call my company Unfurnished Business. Wait, no, that's the opposite of because you're in the business of furnishing. Yes, yes.

But if you are an Unfurnished Business, you come to us. Yeah, but I don't go to no barbecues to buy a barbecue. No barbecues, that seems like the... Okay. I think... The shop I can relate to. Barbecues galore. Those guys are flaunting it.

This is a guy who's opening up a company that is a competitor to Barbecue's Galore. And he's calling it No Barbecue's. No Barbecue's. Because you've got to come here if you have No Barbecue's. What you should do... What? If somebody has No Barbecue's, they'll Google No Barbecue's.

It's the problem they have. They're not going to Google Barbecue's Galore and they'll be like, They've got so many barbecues. I only want one Google barbecues galore and they'll be like, oh, these guys. They've got so many barbecues. I only want one and they've got a million. I don't like them. I don't like their attitude.

And you don't get that many barbecues if you're in the business of selling barbecues. They're hoarding their barbecues, clearly. You don't Google, you know, healthy people. You Google your symptoms. That's true. And if you have no barbecues, you'll Google no barbecues. And when somebody brings up that some people might be

confused, you go, well, some people might be confused. Yes. You think I haven't thought about that? Right? Well, if somebody thinks that we have no barbecues, they're going to be very intrigued in what we have. The walk through traffic. Alternatively, they go

and there's no barbecues and like I don't know what I expected right there when you sell out your customers can't be angry at you because the store is called no barbecue reducing the amount of confrontations you're gonna have yeah and also you're a ghost so it doesn't really matter what are they gonna do hit you you can suppose if you don't access them have any furniture in there, only barbecues, you might actually also be an unfurnished business. Oh, you could.

Well, is barbecue furniture? Is barbecue furniture? Is barbecue furniture? I think it might be. I think it might be. I think it is. Am barbecues furniture? Now, let's see.

We hit 100, and I feel like we've just hit our stride now. It's barbecue furniture. There's a really interesting fine line between furniture and appliance. Well, yeah, exactly. Because it's got, see, an appliance obviously is like your... Barbecue? Well, no. Kettle?

I'm trying to think of anything besides a barbecue. Toaster. My head is just full of barbecues. Toaster. Kettle. Fridge. A fridge is an appliance. Because its entire function is just cooling stuff, right?

It's applying coolness. But a barbecue, it applies the heat, but also it's got a little cupboard in it, and also it's got a little shelf. So it doesn't just cool things. It applies heat, and is also... 98% of the time it just sits there and rusts. That's true, which is more furniture than anything. Yeah.

A pantry doesn't feel like furniture, though. Well, because that's built in. That's a room. That's a fixture. A pantry's a room. Is a wardrobe a room? Well, if it's a built in, I can make the case. Yeah. But if it's loose, then it's a built-in, I can make the case.

Yeah. But if it's loose, then it's furniture. This is a great line for, you know, like a satire. Yeah. Right. I think this cupboard is a room thing is going to have inspired a great satire. It's a Kubrickian, it's a Dr. Strangelove type scenario. And it's for whatever reason, okay, the president and the world leaders,

they can't meet at the White House or wherever. Because of terrorism. Because of terrorism, probably. They're holed up in some small apartment somewhere. And when they have to discuss their battle plans, they all go and gather in a closet. Yep. And somebody refers to it as a war room.

And somebody else says, this is barely a wardrobe. That's funny. That's funny. barely a wardrobe. That's funny. That's funny. That is funny. It's funny. Because it's too small. Yeah. It sort of does fall down because a wardrobe is smaller than a walk-in closet.

You know what I mean? This isn't a war room. This is a war-kin wardrobe. There it is. There it is. It's not a war room. It's a wardrobe. Shoes and stuff everywhere.

That would make it even funnier. Yeah, it would really be funnier. Actually, there's quite a bit of clinking around. Yeah, yeah. We can say that as well. That's another laugh in the tank. Alright. Warroom. I mean, this is a sketch.

This is a full... That's a whole movie again. It's another movie to go in a series that we're making. It's satire. What's the point? What's the political point it's making? I mean, you know... Politics is silly.

I think if I have to explain that, it undermines the... Okay, would you explain to me what happens in the rest of the movie, then? Just give me a beat-for-beat rundown. That could be the next idea. I'm not in the business of telling beat-for-beat rundowns of stories. Oh, you should try it. It is a lot of fun.

I have an idea. You know, okay, firstly, actually, there was another one that I'd written down earlier. You mentioned something earlier that was something that was sticky on one side and that was Teflon on the other side, right? And then you get that often, that complaint from people, and they go, wait, Te teflon if it's non-stick how does it stick to the pan right i think some people are sick of hearing that and they want a pan that actually it's all stick it's all non-stick yeah and the outside is non-stick and it's all teflon and it doesn't stick to anything not even the pan yeah it's like flubber it's just bouncing from like the roof and everything thin sheet of Teflon that nothing will stick to.

Yeah. What would you use it for? Great question. Well, it can withstand high temperatures. Yeah. I reckon you could cook on it. What do you need the metal for? Do you think that it would be a...

Is Teflon a metal? I don't know. I don't think so. I think it's a coating. It's like a plasticky coating. Tetrafluoride. Something tetrafluoride. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Like the poison they put in the water? Yeah, that's right. My favourite conspiracy that corporations produce fluoride as a waste product in their production and it's expensive for them to get rid of. The conspiracy theory is that they tricked governments into letting them put it in the water supply.

Because when I have a waste product that is hard for me to get rid of, the first thing I think is maybe I can get everybody to drink this. Surely just dump it in the ocean. Yeah, exactly. So maybe there's nothing in this Teflon thing. No, hang on, hang on, hang on. So just while you're thinking about that, I just have a question. Do you have another guest coming in at 11 o'clock? Because we're free hang on, hang on, hang on. So, just while you're thinking about that, I just have a question. Yeah.

Do you have another guest coming in at 11 o'clock? Because we're free all day, so this could be terrible for you. We do have guests coming at 11. You're lucky. But no, thank you, though. We appreciate it. We are doing this all day.

Thanks, man. Thanks. But feel free to stick around until somebody shows. Oh, yeah, we're going to. Absolutely. This is more like less us being nice and more being like,

it's a threat. You want to get rid of us. What's happening now? Speaking want to get rid of it. Speaking of things that don't stick. You know terrorists, right? I'm familiar with the concept. They often destroy things using violence and explosions and things like that. Maybe we could all be getting upset and maybe canceling terrorists, not directing their terrorism at things that are more productive for the environment, right? So like why not?

Why are they not attacking things like big oil companies and things that are destroying the planet? Should we all together, it's a sketch about people who have gotten really upset with terrorists, that they're not terrorizing the right things. They've got the bad targets. Well, it's terrorism. We don't seem to be able to stop it. It seems to be a force that's always with us. Maybe it's just something we need to harness it. Like

the wind. We've got to radicalize the left wing. Radicalize the terrorists in a more, yeah, exactly, that's exactly what you said, but in the left wing and to be more environmentally conscious. Now, this is extremely bad taste. Right.

You know, you have obviously your World Trade Centres. Oh, my God. I'm familiar with the concept. What happened? And they're very tempting for terrorists to fly into. Yeah, to send a message. Yeah. They look at them and they like lick their lips and they get hard eyes. Why not then build a big turbine? You have four, five trade centers around a central spindle. Okay. They're always moving. Well, they are powered by planes flying in.

Oh, my God. So a plane flies in, it turns the turbine, and up comes another trade centre. Oh, yeah, I see that. What about the people in them? There aren't any people. Oh, I see. It's fine.

It's terrorist-powered green energy. Yeah, exactly. It is green. That's green. So one terrorist-powered green energy. Yeah, exactly. It is green. That's green. The one thing that's renewable is hate. Yeah, yeah. So we've invented a new brand of eco-terrorism. Rather than doing eco-terrorism, it's like terrorists fighting for eco-warriors.

Yeah, yeah. I think it's a great idea, and I don't see the bad taste in it at all. It's terror-ecoism. Well, maybe they're actually eco-freedom fighters. Anything about that? Sure, freedom from the environment. Get rid of it. Freedom for the environment. No, from. No, from. Let's get out of here.

No more environment. The sooner it's gone, the sooner we can stop worrying about it. I often think about that. Climate change is obviously terrifying, but I think the worst bit is the anticipation. Probably the bushfires are probably in close second. The worst bit is the anticipation. Probably the bushfires are probably in close second. What we'll find is that the worst bit is the anticipation.

I've got a strong feeling that the worst bit will be the climate change. But shortly afterwards, shortly afterwards. It'll be a period of calm. Well, will it be? No, it'll be even worse. I just realised I don't think it's going to be a one event. And then we're fine. This is quite an epiphany for you to be having on the show.

Oh, my God. Climate change is bad? Oh, no. I think that if we were to rebuild sort of large towers that were to be representative of the sort of freedom and power of your country, maybe they could be built. Maybe there could be like eight of them in a sort of a slight lattice or something like this. And that they go up and down.

Oh, whack-a-mole style. Yeah. And that would make them impossible to strike. And maybe even walk into. Are the workers there to be strapped in like a roller coaster? Yeah. Or that tower. What is it? The Tower like a roller coaster? Yeah, or that tower, what is it, the Tower of Terror or something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tower of Terror. We know that you could do standing desks, and we know that you can do sitting desks. And you do falling desks. But if you're... We actually just come up with the plummeting desk on a previous episode.

If you're in the same reference frame as the desk... As the desk. I think you're okay. Yeah, I think that only works if you're in the same reference frame as the desk, I think you're okay. Yeah, I think that only works if you're not accelerating. I'm just going to write down whack-a-mole buildings, and then we don't need to go too deep into it. Yeah, yeah. We get how awful it might be as an idea to some people.

Yeah. Yeah, that's our guarantee to you, that we will not go into it. Yeah, yeah. Too far into it, and we'll try to move on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Our guarantee is we won't think about your feelings in the matter. We'll just move on. It's fine.

Don't think about it too much. People will be really hurt by this and we won't make it worse for them by talking about it anyway. Why do you guys got towels? I believe that we oh, Andy got us matching towels

for this podcast. Didn't really answer my question. I don't know exactly why but it was so that we could you know Andy got us matching towels for this podcast. It didn't really answer my question. I don't know exactly why, but it was so that we could sort of mop ourselves off. See, what you should do is just to change it up. Get rid of the chairs, put them on the ground, and lie down and sort of relax beach style. That is a possibility for later. That's good too. Yeah.

Podcasting towel. Yeah, I like that. It's sort of like a – who's that guy who, James Brown. And, you know, sometimes he couldn't go on. Yeah. But if you put a cape on him, actually he could go on. Yeah, that's huge. Yeah.

Is that what he did? This is how Andy can go on. Yeah. We have another guest that has arrived. Yep. And we may unfortunately have to. I just want this to be remembered that the last two and we may unfortunately have to I just I just want this to be remembered that the last two

sketches we don't own this we're both two terrorists based on the last three to be fair that was all those boys that was the two in the think tank it's almost like that they intentionally as revenge smeared our name so we apologize wait can we just address how you're eating this banana? What the fuck?

You're eating it like a cob of corn. Is this a joke? It's not. For some reason, I've never had this before, but the outside of this banana is ripe, but the inside is... How can you tell? You haven't bitten any of the inside.

I bit up the top, and then as I bite, my teeth find the hard edges of the central core. Oh my God. And I'm working my way around. This makes me feel sick. I love it! No, no, no, no, no. At least come here and fully unwrap it and eat it like a cob of corn. If you're going to do it, do it.

Banana on the cob. Banana on the cob. That's a sketch probably. Is that a sketch? I genuinely didn't think there was anything weird about this as I was doing it. Surely you realise now. I'm really sorry, guys. I just love having you here. That's a lie.

Having a great time, but you must leave. I feel like this is a situation where something is sticky on one side and not sticky on the other. It's like the pan thing from before. What am I going to do with this? I don't know. What are you going to do with the husk? That's the problem is that the husk gets so slippery and kind of like a mango. It's like a mango pit.

Yeah. This is incredible to see in real life. I can't look away. I'm sorry I did that. No, no, no. Don't be sorry. No. I got to put this away.

Luckily, this is just immortalized. Yeah, yeah. Hopefully forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hopefully forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess so. All right, see you. Promote anything before you go, please. Yeah, all right.

You can listen to the Sandspans Radio podcast called Shut Up a Second. I'm on it a lot. Joel's on it sometimes. Yeah. Watch me on Twitch. Twitch.tv slash Hayden, Hayden, Hayden, Hayden H. That's four Haydens and one H. On Sunday afternoons, I stream the New York Times crossword.

It's nice. It sounds nice. It's nice. It's a nice little corner of the internet. You can come watch how bad I am at spelling and also crosswords. Thank you very much. I'm part of a bunch of other stuff. Don't worry about it.

Can't believe it. You big-timed me. You big-timed me. You big-timed me. If you aren't across Dusha's stuff, I encourage you to find it. Just look for it. Just find it. Heal it. And just nibble around it.

Yes! Well, thank you so much for having us. Enjoy the rest of your weekend and your freedom. Feel free to take the rest of that. I'm going to cut the bit where I bit off so that your next guest can have a lovely bit of... I think you should just take it.

It's COVID safe. No, this is COVID safe. This is COVID safe. Just let me do this. I don't think we'll be able to do it. I think you bit quite a bit of it. I bit this bit of it! God!

I know what I'm doing! Okay. It was good to be here for your 100th sketch. Thank you very much. Thank you. Hopefully we're allowed back at some point in the future. Absolutely, yeah. Hopefully we're done by...

I've never seen... We've guested on podcasts before, but we've never physically seen the toll we've taken on human beings. It's fun. Today. It's writ large. And it doesn't even feel like it's the time that's done it yet. It is definitely the people.

Yeah, all right. Well, lovely to see you. Good luck with your next 200 sketches. I just bowed like this. It is the worst thing I've ever done. No, I liked it. Do it more. I don't think you were on camera until you said it.

No, I was. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. And please welcome Jess Perkins, our new guest from Do Go On. Hello. Woo!

Jess. Hello. Hello. I'll take that cup away. I know it's empty, but in case you're one of those people who just likes to press their lips against empty glasses. I like to lick them. This has already been used. You're a licker.

Yeah. Yeah. You knew that about me. I'm sure we've established that's why we were insisting that that croissant gets taken away because we know a liquor is up next now when you're in uh you went you know just to go back to the mafia for a second sure yeah you don't mind when you're in the mafia you know they they do do they are kisses in the mafia aren't they big kissers big kisses and do you think that the higher you go up in the mafia,

the more passionate the kiss? I definitely think the more tongue. Yeah, great. Well, the more tongue you wouldn't be afraid to use. Exactly right, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's a real kind of power, isn't it, as the Don? Yeah. You could put your, I mean, this is probably quite unpleasant,

but, you know, you can put your tongue into other people's mouths. Oh, I think it starts earlier. I think once you get to Don level, you're approaching people like... Yeah. It's like tongue fully out. You wouldn't even need to have your mouth open. You could just be like... Yeah.

And they'd go, thank you, Don. And they would probably just make a little circle with their mouth and just let the tongue in. Well, what about the Don stands there with their tongue out and then all the other members of the mafia file past licking the tongue, you know, like you would kiss the feet of the pope. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They lick the tongue as they walk past. Yeah. Okay. Is it a good thing to be doing to be, you know, making statements about what the mafia are doing and what they're into? I think the level of silliness you've gone to means that nobody's going to be offended. And I think that, you know, if you're in the mafia, you don't say you're in the mafia. And therefore you don't, you know, associate with it.

So you're a businessman. You're a businessman. You run an ice cream parlor. Yeah. You know, you have a wallet business. Yeah You run an ice cream parlor. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You have a wallet business. Yeah. You fold leather and steam it. Sure. Handbags.

Handbags. Exactly. I like that this business empire of the mafia guy is getting quite developed. It's really diversifying. I think after a while, the mafia thing must just become such a small portion of what yeah it's really a side hustle it is it's a passion project at the end isn't it an animal leather you haven't seen that you would like to see as an item of clothing or something like that a quokka leather oh wow like a quokka leather yeah like wallet or yeah a fanny

pack yeah i think quokkas are really having a moment on the world stage. People are really, you know, they're being discovered internationally. And I think as Australia, given everything we've done recently to alienate the rest of the world, start to quite aggressively market quokka handbags could be the next big thing for us. Keep their cute face on there. Oh, yeah.

Really like that one where they kind of lean in for a photo. Yeah, they're quite smiley. Yeah. So it looks like they died happy. Yeah. Happy about being a wallet now. Yeah. And so then they're kind of like this.

Maybe their hands are sort of, you know, bound. Yeah. Maybe melted together. Could they hold you around your neck like they're giving you a little hug? A little cock a scarf. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah.

Great. And I think, yeah, and that could actually probably improve Australia's image on the world stage at the moment. Look, I think it's worth a try. All right, let's go for quokka leather. I mean, is this a government thing? It's soft power. It's soft power as we reach into other countries and they will sort of firstly be aware of us. And then they will maybe want to trade with us,

maybe take our living quokkas so that they can't. Sure. Oh, yeah. But, you know, that's what China does with pandas. They put pandas in people's zoos as a way of being like, hey, we're cool with you. And they kind of loan them to them. Yeah.

We could rent out quokkas. You can have this panda, but then you've got to give us back 10 pandas later on. That's oh yeah you're gonna get those extra pandas and that's why we're working so hard to always breed them yeah they are lazy that's a funny that's a that's an actual satirical sketch is it satirical i would say it's satirical because i think it does that thing with the lending of the money where you people can't pay it back you know for like a show we'll help you lend you money to build a port like that and then you're a small country you're vanuatu you're or tuvalu you are you're tuvalu you're and i'm and i'm a micronesian i'm a micronesian country that we don't know the name of yeah wow

right and um anyway very exotic but then you have this panda debt that you've got and that's why you're like please please breed that's why why else would somebody invent panda porn to show pandas away yeah you're playing barry white you're giving them oysters i heard people too much of anything you probably can't get the rights to barry white because you're already in so much with panda Panda, so you're like singing it yourself. I heard people say too much of anything is not good for your babe. You know who Pandas listen to? Yeah.

It's Barry Black and White. China Panda debt. All right, you just talk for 15 minutes now. Yeah, you want to have a little break? Oh, no, I forgot the other one that I was writing down. You need to have a little light out of it. What was right before China Panda debt? Quokka leather.

Quokka soft power. Yeah, great. I mean, for me, what I enjoy about that is the sheer desperation that's in the Australia think tank, to coin a phrase, where they are trying to work out things that Australia can do to improve our world standing. And that's what we've come to. They've been awake for a while.

Skinning our cutest animals. Yeah. It's based on that idea that there is no bad advertising. Sure. You're raising awareness. And how high can awareness go? I mean, people could be thinking about Australia endlessly, even if they're fuming at the inhumanity of it.

Well, they're thinking about us. They're thinking about us. That means tourism. They're probably going to come here to protest. Yeah. Well, at a certain point. Hey, when you're protesting, you've got to eat, don't you? You've got to eat.

You've got to sleep. You've got to sleep somewhere. You've got to have a roof over your head. Or you've got to visit some islands off of Western Australia. That's a ferry ride. Bump up those prices. If you say that the quokkas are in a certain range, you've probably got to rent out some of these things.

Flood bikes. Flood these things. Quad bikes. Quad bikes. Quad bikes. And then think of all the hospital insurance fees that you'll get from the people rolling those quad bikes. Now, what I also like about this is that we're sort of finessing because I think it's a fine line between mass tourism and invasion. Oh.

And no. Maths, M-A-T-H-s yes yes that's right maths tourism we've got some of the biggest numbers in this country and billion you've got a big number you come and see it and it's it's huge it's huge it's not only it's physically big as well as a really long number. Okay, cool. It would probably be above quadrillion so that people learn what the next thing is after. Because it goes trillion, quadrillion, and then what? What is it?

Well, don't tell the people. That's where people will travel to. To find out what it is. Exactly. They'll see pictures. Somebody might write it down and tell them. Yeah. It's like you see pictures of the eiffel tower sure you get to paris you're like oh la la yeah that is actually very impressive you get to go you get to go there you go in the museum and it

has like things you can divide the number great you can take home you can actually take home one of the factorials of the number. A little print out of the, like, 17 or something like that. I feel like it would be in Western Australia. Yeah. It's the only place we have enough space for it. Have enough space, yep. That's true, yeah.

It could be visible from space. It could go the length of the rabbit-proof fence. Well, that's good. And it could be rabbit-proof itself. Oh, good. You know, we stop rabbits from getting inside the number. I mean, isn't the rabbit-proof fence really just a series of stakes? And don't they look like the number one anyway?

Yeah. Ooh. So then do we just need to say that it's a number? Just rebrand it. Yes. Oh, then we don't even have to build it's a number? Just rebrand it. Yes. Oh, then we don't even have to build anything. I see.

This is all gravy. And I love that, you know, there's a tour guide driving you along like that, and you go one, one, one, like that. And then on the radio, it's like there'll be a recording of somebody saying the number. Number 1,101 quadrillion, 101,101,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 We're already saving money by not having to build anything new. Yep. But again, if you put it, it's out in the middle of nowhere. You know, we just came up with this is a 110, but the next number is bloody 111. Whoa. Right?

Synchronicity. That's freaky, baby. Synchronicity. Synchronicity. Synchronicity. That's freaky. Synchronicity. That's freaky.

You were going to say something about mass tourism, or maybe you were. Yeah, I was going to say, like, it's in the middle of nowhere. They've got to stay somewhere. So that's just, you know, bumping up. It's bumping up the local economy. Absolutely. And they can stay.

And money is a number. Oh, my God. People will be like, oh, I'm playing with numbers. Yeah, it's a full experience. It's a full number experience. Can we have numbats there? You could, eh? Numbats?

Yeah, numbats. Yeah. Oh, we could numbats there? You could, eh? Numbats. Yeah, numbats. Yeah. Or we could num all of your extremities. Extremities. We are drugging you so you can't escape. Yeah. But then. It's fun.

And you're going to be spending money trying to buy your way to freedom. Because this is a. And that's. Numbers. Numbers. Well, actually, this one's pronounced numma. Ah. Numb. Yeah. Because it numbs. Yeah. But it's still spelt the same way. It's spelt the's pronounced num-ma. Ah. Num-ma.

Is it nums? Yeah. But it's still spelled the same way. But they don't know. I'd like some number. A big number. Well, I'm going to correct you. You get all those maths fans going there because of the number.

But what they don't know is they're getting there to have everything go, you might not be able to feel it. Yeah, I was trying to find another word. There really isn't another word for numb, is there? That's right. Not very feely. Yeah. Super bad pins and needles.

Oh, yeah. But that's not, I don't consider that to be numb. Pins and needles is its own thing. It's like an intense feeling. Sure, sure. The opposite of numb. Wow. It's up there with the opposite of numb.

Yeah. Was, have, In the invention of medicine Yeah We know that if you sit on something long enough It can go numb Yep Was there Was it ever the job of the anaesthetist

To sit on some Body part Until it goes numb I mean originally That could have been the whole The whole profession Was just having a A good butt

A sit down anaesthetist A good sitting butt I'd be terrible at that Yeah Why's that? You couldn't sit on things No from a young age was just having a good butt. A sit-down anesthetist. A good sitting butt. I'd be terrible at that. Yeah? Why's that? You couldn't sit on things. No, from a young age,

my dad would say I had a bony bum. Oh, no. Really? Sitting on his lap, he'd be like, you've got a bony bum. You know, that is not a nice thing to be told when you're growing up.

Yeah, yeah. When you're growing up, you want people to think you've got a soft bum. You've got a juicy butt. That's what you want. You want your dad to go, oh, you've got a real badonkadonk thing back there, huh?

Yeah, no, you're right. So you're right, and that's what I wanted, and I never got that either from my dad. It's come up in therapy quite a few times. My dad never told me I had a juicy butt. In which kids are getting butt implants in order to impress Santa. Yeah. And they sit on his lap.

You're trying to win the favor of Santa and you want a nice soft butt. Because if you've got a bony butt yeah sit on santa's lap he's going to be uncomfortable yeah you also you're not going to have as long there presumably he's going to move you on you're not going to have as long to to uh to all your requests yeah exactly all your requests you know ideally you'd not only have a a soft butt but also one that uh you know sort of does a bit like a massage chair kind of thing. Yes, yeah. I was going to go for lights up, but I think a massage chair.

A butt that lights up. I feel like Dan's going to be hypnotised by that light up in front of yours. He goes, excuse me, can you guard my sleight of hand? But the massage does make a bit more sense. I think a massage coming downward from a butt would be disconcerting because you'd think there's something alive in that

butt that is moving. It's on your lap. There's something alive in there. It's writhing. And Santa's... Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know about that one. I don't know how sensitive his thighs are.

At the end of the day, his thighs are red raw from all the kids coming on and off. Yeah, but that would make them more sensitive. But he might have numb legs. He might have already numb legs. Yeah. And so then he might not feel anything. And then all that money and time that you've poured into enriching your butt. Your butt experience. He's the person least capable of enjoying it.

It's tragic. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Yeah. Okay. He had a very shiny nose. And it was red. Yes. Okay.

Now, it goes on to say, you could even say it glows. But that, to me, feels like it's a metaphorical statement. You know, you could even say it glows. It doesn't, to me, communicate that it produces enough light to guide a sleigh on a, then one soggy. Cloudy. Cloudy? Soggy? Soggy Cloudy Christmas Eve Then one soggy It's foggy

It's foggy It's probably raining Have you ever seen slush? But I just don't know that that knows If we're just going to say it's shiny It's red You could even say it glows. I think Santa's got caught up in this metaphor.

I don't think it produces enough light, certainly for foggy conditions. Do you think maybe it was something that Rudolph was a little self-conscious about? And so Santa's like, no, this is a great thing. It's actually very condescending. You've saved the day. And then all the other rindeers shout it out with glee. Yeah.

It sounds like they've all, Santa's told them, get on board with this. Yeah. HR, reindeer HR is getting real upset. Yeah. And they're telling us we're going to get sued by this reindeer's family. He's got a case. Yeah.

And so we have to now make this kid the star of the show. It is a real bullying scenario, isn't it? It's a workplace bullying situation. It's a real bullying scenario. Okay. I don't think he's doing anything with his nose. They've still got spotlights. They've still got actual

lighting behind him. Behind him that he thinks is going. He's like, look at me go. Yeah, mate. So good. So good we can see because of you. Thank you. Thank you, Rudolph. Also, it's not foggy everywhere in the world at the same time.

That's a great point. Thank you. It couldn't be. That would be the beginning of the end, I think. I think that would be. That's a real nuclear winter scenario. Yeah, that'd be spooky, like, nuclear winter scenario. Yeah, that'd be spooky. Then one nuclear winter scenario.

Santa came to save. Scenario. Didn't make it rhyme, remember? Well, I don't know, I don't think it rhymed that way in the original. I know, but we're going to fix it. I don't, Santa came to sieve. It doesn't say that. Then one sunny Christmas eve, Santa came to sneeze.

Yeah. Rudolph with your nose so white. Bright. Why would it be Rudolph with your nose so white? He's a red-nosed reindeer. That's his whole thing. Santa's confused. Santa's losing his mind. Santa's losing it. Santa's confused. Santa's losing his mind.

Santa's losing it. Santa's old. How old's Santa? He's always old, or he's always looked old, so I think he's probably one of those guys like Steve Martin. Yeah, that's what I was just thinking. So 77? Yeah, probably.

I guess he's around, I think, Steve Martin's age. Yeah, yeah. Probably. Probably, yeah. Just went to Big White Beard in Portly early on. Yeah. Chose his look, that suit. You know, wears the same thing every day, just like Steve Jobs.

So he has more time to get stuff done. He's actually owning it. A real CEO kind of guy. Yeah. Like Silicon Valley, probably. You know, they build a lot of stuff there. Yep. Is this a sketch? I mean, it could be. It could be. Santa in Silicon Valley probably, you know, they build a lot of stuff there. Yep. Is this a sketch?

I mean, it could be. It could be. Santa in Silicon Valley? Well, that some big CEO, you know, of some very successful company, say Mark Zuckerberg, starts dressing as Santa all the time. Yeah. Every day. You don't have to make a decision.

You know, you don't have to make a decision. It's easy. And it's, you know, people are happy to see Santa. People around him, they're such yes, yes, yes people. They don't want to, nobody wants to point out that it's weird. It sounds like we're almost rewriting the Emperor's New Clothes. Oh, you look really good. But actually, I think it would make me like Zuckerberg a lot more.

Who's just a Santa? All the time. All the time. All the time. And if he did The Voice. Yeah. If Zuckerberg was like, Ho, ho, ho, we're launching a metaverse. Yes, everybody will come and play games and wear skins.

And all of the children will play with their parents and re-engage in the world. All the good and bad, little girls and boys. I really like it. I think also probably it's time that Santa went fully digital and started giving tokens and that sort of thing instead of real-life toys, you know, which is just additional consumerism that we don't need

and that's destroying the planet, melting the very ice caps on which he depends for his livelihood. That's his rich hunting grounds where he looks for seals. And small men, small manufacturing capable men. Yeah. Because there's got to be a breeding thing, right? There's got to be a sort of an elf breeding program of some sort. Yeah, there must be.

Unless there's a community somewhere where you're just taking them. Or it's like you keep the elf community in poverty so that they have to kind of sell some of their children to you. But then you say, I'm helping you, you know, like that. And so in a way, you're kind of a nice guy. Yeah, I mean, these things don't happen overnight. It's an endemic situation. But where do they live?

And if we could find them, then we could help them. And are the Clintons involved? Yes. God! And I don't know if we... Can we do another Santa reimagining sketch? I mean... I mean, you know, I think it's okay.

Can you get me another veggie sausage, Andy, if that's okay? of course, Alistair. This is one of my fondest memories of the last time doing this with you guys. No,

thank you. They're veggie, so at least we're not eating and having meaty sausage burps and stuff like that. It's still weird. It is weird.

I'll be honest. I mean, I gotta admit, I am making this choice a little bit because it's comical. Okay. I want you to know, it's not just that I don't eat like this normally.

Why would I eat this without sauce and just enjoy the veggie sausage flavor? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had something else while we were talking about the CEO who likes to dress up as Santa Claus every day. Zuckerberg. Zuckerberg. Mark. Mark. Mark. Mark. Always dressing up as Santa Claus every day. Zuckerberg. Zuckerberg. Mark. Mark. Always dressing up as Santa.

Nobody's telling him it's the wrong thing to do. Oh, man. It's gone. Does he get around in a sleigh? Not too much. Remember that video? He went around on Twitter. It was a guy.

Some lady was like, she was like a TikTok or something like that. And she was filming that she damaged her own car by reversing into something. And then she's like, oh, my God, my husband's on his way home. And he shows up and he's riding a motorbike, but it's a Sadoo. It's a Sadoo. It's a jet ski. But it's been fitted out as a motorcycle. And then she's like, yes, he rides a jet ski, but it's been fitted out as a motorcycle. And then she's like, yes, he rides a jet ski.

And then he's really upset about this car as well. I haven't seen this. I want to. He rides a jet ski on the land? Yeah, it's like a motorbike that has been fitted out to look like a jet ski. And she's that aloof about it? Yes. Yes, whatever. Before you comment endlessly

about my husband riding a ski-doo. Okay, that's not the point of this video. Like, she's so over the comments about it. Yeah, I'm sick of talking about that. I'm in trouble because I reversed it. But the idea that a man who rides one vehicle

that's been made to look like a completely different vehicle could in any way have a problem with a car that's been made to look like a slightly different car. It's true. He's already disfigured a mode of transport so significantly. Who's he to judge? Yeah. You know, that's the real affront to God. Can we turn that into a sketch idea that doesn't rely us on us

knowing that sketch? Showing the sketch. I mean, I'd be interested in the factory or the workshop that does this who promised that you can bring in any mode of transport. We'll make it. We'll turn it into a different mode of transport. We'll make it. We'll turn it into a different mode of transport. We'll make it look like one. It's a real transformation kind of thing.

It's a little bit pimp my ride, but it's also a bit more twisted. It'd be really interesting to meet the kind of people who've always wanted to ride a jet ski. But are afraid of can't swim and afraid of water. But are afraid of water. And then,

yes, we'll see what we can do. You know what I would love? I don't know if this is possible. I'm scared of going skydiving. But I would love

the feeling of flying, like if I was driving instead of, if I could just be flying through the air like this. Yes, Fred Eagle. Maybe like on the front of like one of those things there with one of these. A Segway.

A Segway. Or it's like just the front of a motorbike or something like that. And you've got the harness and stuff. You've got everything. You've got a helmet. I could just travel. I'd just go like this. Yeah, really, really fun. Can you guys do that? I could just travel. I just go like this. Like that.

Yeah, really, really fun. Can you guys do that? Yeah. You wouldn't be plummeting to the ground. Oh, you're plummeting across. I'm plummeting to work. I think I could picture myself plummeting still. Yeah.

I could put my mind there. I'd say you're at even greater risk. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I mean, yeah. You're going to get squished in a different way. Sure. It goes badly. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I mean, yeah. You're going to get squished in a different way. Sure. It goes badly.

Yeah, yeah. Only if there's a collision. But that's the same thing with skydiving. Yeah. I mean, I guess the disadvantage you have here is that you don't have a parachute to stop you. Well, I know. And you're on a road, presumably, with other vehicles.

Yeah. But I'm less likely to hit the ground. I'm just only likely to hit trees and sort of other cars or animals. But if an animal hits your car and your body is there to protect your car, it's actually a soft surface which all cars should be covered in. Animal on animal. Animal on animal action. Yeah.

That's what we're getting instead of. We say we should cover cars in animals. If they've already got animals animals bash into each other in nature all the time not looking where they're going or they're having fights, whatever

if we already strapped a bunch of animals around the front of the car then when we crash into other animals that'd be better for a bunch of animals around the front of the car. Then when we crash into other animals, that'd be better for both sets of animals. It's a normal day for them. This rhubarb, made from real rue. There you go.

Rhubarb. I kept picturing rhubarb. Yeah, me too. That's what I meant when I said it. Skydiving, obviously. The guy talking to the people making it happen. Yeah. Can this happen?

Because I've seen the Sadu thing you guys did. Yeah. Loved it. Loved it. Loved it. Yes, he rides the Sadu. Well, it's like my wife, I would love for her to be like... I'm a bus driver.

Yes, he's... Yeah. Yes, he skydives everywhere. Yeah. And you're still just sort of steering and controlling it just with little things up here. They look like those records or whatever that you pull. Well, yeah, you don't want to look too much like a marionette,

but maybe, yeah, maybe it is like this. No, you don't want to look like a marionette. Of course you don't want to look like a marionette. I want to look like I'm free-falling. Oh. You've got to be able to control somehow. I mean, I don't know. Are the controls stuck to the back of your hand?

Maybe, yeah. How do you steer? Maybe, you know, like one of those straws in your mouth. That straw in your mouth. Yeah, that's that. You're controlling it with your tongue. I think that's the safest option. Mouth control.

Because you shouldn't be talking anyway while you're driving. I think that's... Or while you're free-falling. Free-falling. What would be really great? One of those big watches. Maybe you could control it with your eye if you needed certain things.

It's like got eye control. You know, like, and so when it sees your eyes, it knows that's brake. Take your eyes off the road like this. Up to brake. And then... When I take my eyes off the road,

that means something bad is about to happen. Yeah, and the intensity of desperation. That's how quick, how hard. So if you're just having a glance, I just have a bit of a glance, it's like, oh, we're just coming up to a red light. If you're like, ooooh! What about this?

Ooooh! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's essentially put it in reverse, get away from you. It's a form of control, that is emotion, it's powered by emotion. Yes! It's emotion sensing of control, Kaz, that is emotion. It's powered by emotion. Yes.

It's emotion sensing. Emotion sensing. We've done motion. Yeah. Let's do emotion. Emotion. You emote. Happy for left. Yeah.

For right. Oh, that's good. Thank you for making happy left as well as a left-hander. That's why I did it. Thank you. Yeah. That's why I sort of told him before the podcast. Now let's remember Jess left-handed,

very sensitive about it. Sensitive lefty. Let's plan one sketch for every guest. Also, that's why we sat you on our left so that if you want, you know, you do get angry and you want to hit us, it's hard.

You're likely going to use your weak hand. Yeah. Oh, you're not going to get it right. Oh, my God. I think my wrist is broken. I actually recoiled then. She's coming for you. Oh, no. But I also would like so that, and I don't know if we've pitched this before,

but so that I can look at my phone while driving, what would be really great is if all the information about the road around me and what's happening could be communicated to a different body part that I don't need to look at my phone, say my tongue. So if there was a thing that I could put in my mouth that has a series of probes and prods and even maybe incorporates flavor in some way that communicates all the information about my surroundings directly to my tongue. So if you taste bacon, it means somebody stepped onto the road. Exactly. Yeah. Would that ruin bacon for you though? Or would it make bacon more exciting?

Every breakfast. Breakfast. Oh, that's okay. Sorry. No, it's great. It all works. It works so well. You're having this oral, you know, you don't have your eyes on the road,

but you've got your tongue on the road in a big way. Yeah. But you're looking at your phone. Scrolling. But then the police pull you over. You point to your mouth. I've got the tongue thing. Yeah.

And he goes, get out of here. Like that. And then your thing, you're still looking at your phone when he says that. Yeah. Your thing lets out this flavor of chalk or something. That's a cop saying, get out of here. So you can't hear either. You're also...

Your tongue is also... You've got headphones in and you're watching a video or something like that. Watching something thrilling on your phone. And all this information is being pumped into your tongue. Yeah, yeah. That's right. It's a flavour sensation. Man, the traffic out here is delicious.

Now, would you say that emotion control for car and tongue control for car? Two totally different ideas. Oh, my God, yeah. How's your tongue and motion? Yeah, they're different things. We have to 116. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah.

Look at you go. That's actually, that was We have to 116. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Look at you go. That's actually, that was 117. 117. So, you know, can you believe, can we thank the team that is currently updating this, actually keeping track? Thank you so much to everybody. I was thinking about that before because I was like, it's bad enough that you guys are going to be here for a very long time.

Then you've forced other people to do it as well. Yeah. It's tough. So I thank all of them. And thank you to everybody in the Two in the Think Tank Discord, which you can join by going into any of the... If you go, I guess, in any podcast that we have, especially the recent ones, the Discord link will be in there. Also, you can support the Two in the Think Tank,

the Stupid Old Studios fundraiser, because we're being forced to move from this studio because they're building apartments right there. I could not believe when they told us how expensive it was to move. I mean, I've moved house, and I thought it was just expensive on your soul because of having to do it. And there's more stuff here, heavy stuff here.

I thought, oh, I'm moving all that stuff. You've also got to build a whole lot of new rooms and stuff. Yeah. A new place. Yeah. Rooms. It's quite a lot. And not just cupboards.

Would you consider a cupboard a room? Ooh. Came up with the last guess. Want a nut butter bar? I think so. I want that nut butter. I will soon. But I'm going to have to take it out of that wrapper.

Can't have that wrapper, Sam I don't know if I would consider it No What would you What about a drawer? That's not a room No But what is a room?

That's right Well, that's I guess kind of what we were asking in a way Because I mean You think it's four walls But then you have a triangular room Yeah, yeah, yeah Or you think like Well, it's a space big enough for a person

But like if my dog could fit in there, that's a room. That's a dog room. Is his little crate a room? Just because I can't get in there? No. Is that his room? Do I say go to your room? Go to your crate.

Human houses often have a dog door. Why do dog houses, kennels, have a human door? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Why are they trying to keep us out? I'd be hiding. I feel you could go in there and hang out for a bit. Yeah.

Oh, that'd be nice. Wait. But then it'd have to be big enough for us to get in. Yeah. So it's essentially got to be a shed. It does. Or just very tall. Yeah.

You could move. You could just go in and stand in there and check on your dog. What are you doing? Hey, oh, you're sleeping, are you? Could you maybe, like, that's a really funny person who has so little in their life and has made a dog their only friend to the point where the dog wants some space. But they've built the kennel tall enough that they can go in

and see what the dog's up to. Yeah, what are you doing? The dog's trying to sleep. The dog's like, fuck off. Please. There's nothing more heartbreaking to me than when my dog wants some space and goes somewhere else. And I'm still sitting on the couch and he's like,

I'm going to go over there. And you're like okay I think we're done here I've had enough you're being a big much doesn't even need anything right well it needs something

it needs to eat and stuff like that but like what do they want out of an interaction just attention what do they want what do you want

love attention physical touch yeah and then sometimes they're like yeah i've had enough it's enough um is this in any way a sketch idea is this the dog could you make a dog house that is all human dorm that just opens up and it kind of unfolds like a cube but that's you have to like open the door like this because it's the only way you'll get to see everything inside yeah open it up like that.

I was picturing just a tall one. A tall door. Just so that... Tall dog house. A human could walk in, stand over their dog in a fairly menacing way. Quite menacing. Yeah. Just sort of check in on them. Could you just put a big human door in front of the dog house?

And then that just stops your dog from getting in? Then you've got to come and open the door when it wants to get in or out of its dog. Out of its dog house? Out of its small door. So that you feel important? Yeah. Yeah, you go, I'm the boss.

You need me. I know that some people must get a dog and they're like, no, you've got to boss them around. Yeah. And so. But then it's a combination of things, isn't it? Because you're also a bit like a doorman. And they don't really feel like the boss. Yeah. And so. But then it's a combination of things, isn't it? Because you're also a bit like a doorman. And they don't really feel like the boss.

Yeah. You're there at the beck and call of your dog. But you would if you were the bossy doorman. Yeah. It was good old. Now you can't come in. Yeah. Now we're doing something right now.

Yeah. Come back at 20. Yep. On those shoes. Yeah. Yeah. So dog wearing shoes? Yeah. Yeah, we're doing something right now. Yeah. Come back at 20. Yep. On those shoes. Yeah. Yeah. So dog wearing shoes? Yeah.

Yeah, great. I'm picturing a real, also a real doorman in a real apartment. Yeah. Being able to get into your house. Yeah. Yeah. Not in those dog feet. Oh, I get it.

He's saying that to a human. Yeah. I just want to confuse the two sketches. He's just insulting everyone. Not in those dog feet. Not in those dog feet. Not in those dog feet. Yeah. I'd take that to heart.

Dog feet. Yeah. I'd be offended by that. I'm not entirely sure what... It would mean. Being called a dog is insulting. Sure. I assume having a dog face is probably an insult.

Yeah, that's not a good thing. But I think, you know, similarly, you know, dog arms. Yeah. That's not nice. Oh, get a dog arms. Yeah. That's a really good, it's a good insult though. Is it?

Do dogs have arms? Well, exactly. That's so good. Because I always refer to my dog's front legs as his arms. Yeah. And then I go, oh, these aren't arms. But dogs, I realised, they can't grip anything with their feet.

There's no gripping. They've kind of got all the little toes. But they're useless. We've got like cork floors and our dog's just slipping around all day. I'm like, look at you, idiot. You can't even walk without slipping around.

Out of all this dog talk. Rip! Was one of these things a sketch? Was this a dog door or something like that? I mean, you know, not giving your dog personal space. It's more of a character. Yeah. Is this the person or the dog?

The person is the character. I mean, the dog. Dog hasn't been fleshed out. But I think the idea of a person who's got so little in their life, they've got a special dog door built so they can go and visit their dog in the kennel and the dog is sick of it. I don't know how you communicate that. Maybe the dog can talk.

Yeah. Maybe the dog can roll its eyes at the very least. If we can't get a talking dog, what about an eye-rolling dog? Could the dog also, who's kind of sick of the owner's crap, could it hate Mondays and eat lasagna? I was thinking about lasagna. It's a strange food. Seems like way too much effort for basically pasta, right?

It's a lot harder to make. And it feels like, actually, it was an idea for a dessert. It feels much more like something you'd do for a dessert, doing layers like that. It's a very dessert thing to do, I think, layers. And sheets of stuff, very dessert. Yeah. Now I'm thinking puff pastry and fruit.

Puff pastry, sure, fruit, yeah. Yum. But I think a dessert lasagna, it feels like an idea that somebody came up with, right, for a dessert, and then they took it to the studio, and the studio was like, well, we don't have any fruit at the moment. Oh, like fruit's not going to be big. Look, I'll tell you what, we have got a lot of tomato. And this studio is a kitchen? Studio kitchen.

It's like one big room. Yeah, that's right. You know what I think? A dessert lasagna seems like such a good idea that it's actually one of those things like the electric car that clearly some big corporation had to suppress. Yes, you're absolutely right. Anytime anybody cracks the dessert lasagna, Exxon Mobil comes down. They come and show up. No, it would be Sarah Lee.

Would it be Sarah Lee? They wouldn't let her. They'd buy up the technology. Big Viennetta. Yeah. That's an Italian company as well. I don't know why that's relevant, but yes. Oh, because lasagna.

Yeah, right. Also, that's Italian. No, but they're from Guatemala. Yeah. Yeah. So say no more. So it is the conspiracy to keep us – we can't have dessert lasagna, and the only way the technology ever gets applied is through the inferior regular lasagna.

Which is already pretty good. That's why they couldn't allow something so good. I think maybe they fear all productivity will stop once we have dessert lasagna. I mean, maybe it's an outbreak-type scenario where somebody invents a dessert lasagna in a town. Everybody becomes so catastrophically addicted to this dessert lasagna. Everything does grind to a halt. People, like lives, society stops functioning, and it starts to spread as the recipe for the dessert lasagna

gets shared around. And then the government has to make the decision of whether or not they nuke the entire county. Well, you know what they had to do? You know what they had to do? They actually covered the town in hot volcanic ash. Yeah, sure. Remember that town?

Yeah. Wait. You remember that town? Did that actually happen too? Did that actually happen? Isn't there a town? Pompeii? And that's in Italy.

Yeah, it's in Italy. Oh, great. Yeah, and so that's just, that's the Italy. Yeah, it's in Italy. Oh, great. Yeah, and so that's just, that's the conspiracy. Yeah. It was actually, they did that to stop the spread of dessert lasagna. It goes back that far. That's how far. I mean, think about it.

It's not that complicated. I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't an entire sort of Illuminati type group dedicated to protecting the world from dessert lasagna. Right? If it goes back that far, it'll be like in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, the old brotherhood of the cruciform sword who keep passing the... Is that in Italy?

Is that in Italy? Venice? I mean, they already let tiramisu out. Yeah. And they're like, well, we're not going to let this kind of plague. Yeah. Yeah. Because look how big tiramisu is.

It's so big. It's even now replacing biscuit flavor. They literally just came up with an alcoholic dessert, right? Yeah. It's alcoholic cream. The only thing that stops tiramisu from preventing everybody from functioning is that the alcohol actually stops motivating some people from making another tiramisu.

So it can't replicate as easily in the environment. That's right. It doesn't have as high an R-naught. The coffee kind of picks them up, though. Coffee does pick them up. Yeah, wow. It leaves them feeling just normal for a minute. And then they're like, well, no.

It's a little espresso martini of a dessert. Yeah. Because the espresso martini is like that as well, as if dangerous. Oh, yeah, yeah. Makes you want more espresso martinis. Then more than one is like, well, I'll never sleep again. Yeah, yeah.

Psychosis inducing. Yeah. Yeah, that and the Jäger bomb. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Psychosis-inducing. Yeah. And the Jägerbaum. Yeah. I want to see a drink that is the espresso martini mixed in with a Jägerbaum. Don't leave me alone, Al. With Al. I'm Al.

I know. I'm Al. Just a word. I can't leave you alone. And I haven't been here for five hours. We're moving. We're only 30 away from halfway. That's not bad. It's actually not too bad. You're doing great. You've really helped our numbers go up.

I know that I have. But that's what I like so much about coming to this podcast is that I just get to sort of chat to my friends and you make that ideas. Yeah. Well, you know, I think I feel helpful. I think you don't realize that you're a waterfall of ideas and you just don ideas yeah well you know i think i feel helpful i think you don't realize that you're a waterfall of ideas and you just don't know that they're ideas you know yeah you know i mean even that waterfall metaphor really kind of came out of you pouring out from

a height yeah and then i'm so tall that's exactly what it is and it's from the those extra bones in your butt. Yeah. Instead of giving you extra elevation. Doctors are baffled. Doctors hate her. Why are there so many bones in her butt? Her head's so hard to reach. Do we have bones in our butt? Yeah. It's the leg.

It's the top of the legs. Yeah, of course. But it's not part of the curvature of the butt or anything like that. That's all. The meat is mostly meat. Yeah. But is there a bone that is also meat? Is that cartilage maybe?

I don't know if that's what cartilage is. All I can think of with mostly cartilage is your ears. There's not bones in there. Yeah, that's true. But it is the closest thing, isn't it? That's why sometimes with the nose one, we're all tricked into thinking that it's a bone. Yeah, you're right, it's like that's why sometimes you know you're with the nose one we're all tricked into thinking that it's that it's a bone yeah you're as a bone and i just feel like we could probably simplify the body a little bit okay just make it all cartilage yes yeah you know what i'm thinking yes it's like a shark because i mean think about this and and this is great for in

nature right if ever we go back to nature. Yeah. Genetically engineering our species to really fuck us up like this. Yeah. Would be good because when you're eating a chicken. Yes. Or a cow. Yes. You eat one bit that feels weird. What is it?

Cartilage. Cartilage. That's right. And you don't want to eat it, right? Yeah. It could become inedible. Or at least just yucky. A bit yucky.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then in time, sharks would be like, I'm not even bothering. Yeah. Worth my time. Exactly. Yes. We could shape ourselves like a surfboard. Yes.

You know, then. Then it would also. Sharks quite often bite surfboards. It would dramatically reduce cannibalism. Yeah, that's really good as well. That's a big Yeah, that's a big problem. That's a big problem. Well, it's low now, but – What is the government doing about cannibalism?

Make us all cartilage. It's low now, but how do you stamp out those last few? It's people because people – I think when they're thinking about eating man flesh, let's face it, or woman flesh. Sure. Pardon me. I think they're thinking about eating face it. Yep. Or woman flesh. Sure. Pardon me. I think they're thinking about eating the flesh. Yep. And I reckon they're not like, oh, I can't wait to eat the bit in the nose that's hard.

Yeah. Oh, those ears. I wonder what gives them structure. Yeah. I want to feel that with my tongue. Oh, yeah, of course. Oh, I'm angry. Isn't it interesting that even for cannibals I bet there are things that gross them out

Even for cannibals What about this bit It's just like a little string That goes from there to there Do you reckon they eat that That would be What is that It's the banjo string of the mouth

Chewy I don't know This silly cartilage thing I know it's silly Of the mouth. Mmm. Yeah. Chewy. Yeah. I don't know. Look. Grizzly. This silly cartilage thing. Yeah. I know it's silly. Is it a sketch? Can you...

Can I make us less edible? I mean, could you... Okay, it's Greenpeace. They're saving the chicken by injecting them with cartilage-making everything. They're changing their DNA. They're giving them the Pfizer vaccine. Changing their DNA. Are they real floppy and horrible looking? Eh? Yeah. They're all real floppy and horrible looking now? They'll never their DNA. They're giving them the Pfizer vaccine. Are they real floppy and horrible looking?

They're all real floppy and horrible looking now? They'll never look better. Because now there's no... All the plump bits, they're all hardened and stuff. And now... So they're cartilage all the way through. It's not just the bones that are being replaced. No, everything becomes cartilage. Oh, it's all cartilage.

What if we got word that aliens were on their way to Earth? We somehow get advanced word. And they're hungry? And they're hungry and they want to eat us. And we realize that the only way to stop them, we somehow work out what they're interested in eating. Maybe they have a scout party that comes out ahead.

That it's flesh, our flesh, our delicious plump flesh. It sounds like they're just polite guests, so letting you know they're coming, dietary requirements. But we suspect that us is what they eat. They said they're going to have us for dinner. Yeah. That old trick. Yeah, sure.

It's like a vampire movie or something. Yeah, yeah. They use the same sentence structure as us in everything. Exactly. And so we go, well, we've seen old vampire movies. We know. Writing's on the wall. Time to genetically engineer the entire population, guys.

It's the only solution. And chickens. And also chickens because we don't want them eating our chickens either. Just the chickens? Because they're our chickens. We're leaving all other animals. Cows and goats and stuff like that. We've got to leave something just in case.

We'll do ourselves. A slightly different version of Noah's Ark, right? Instead of a flood that's going to drown everything, it's an alien species that's going to eat everything that's plump and fleshy. And we, two of every animal, we turn them all into cartilage just to preserve them. Yeah, that's good. When the beasts arrive. That's good.

The ravenous beasts. This is an unsavoury topic of conversation, but as I was in the toilet, I thought I was very worried about getting any wee on my pants. I'm always worried, but I thought today. Of all days. Of all days. I can't hide in the toilet waiting for it to dry

because I've got to get back down there. There's no hand dryer. And also I'm going to be on camera look see here and as you can see successfully didn't have that problem so nice but i was wondering if it would be a thing that toilets should offer is a kind of little disposable pants bib that you can you know you can get out i don't know if you relate to this you can write that down straight straight away. So visceral. Yeah, write that one right down. But next to the toilet paper roll, there's another thing that you can roll out and you can sort of open the fly, tuck it in around there, maybe this little thing that ties around the back as well. I mean, you could just sit down, sure.

But no, it's my God-given right to stand. And the first thing I would do if I was suddenly a man, you know, in a Freaky Friday situation, I'd be standing. I'd pee everywhere. Yeah. I'd be on a road trip and I'd get out of that car, side of the road, take a piss. Yes.

Like a flash. Would you go against a fence? I'd go anywhere, Eddie. Yeah, great. I'd go passing the road. Face it, passing the road. Passing the road. I was driving along the other day, and a guy did exactly that.

He pulled over. Obviously needed to pee. Got out of the passenger side. Didn't even close the car door. Just peeing on the side of the freeway. Wow. I saw the strain. Was this Tuesday?

Yeah. Was this? No, I'm just wondering if this was Cup Day. Yeah, it was actually. It was. There you go. Somebody's on the way back from the races, I reckon. Yeah, it was actually. It was. There you go. Somebody's on the way back from the races, I reckon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's seen the way the horses do it. Yep. Bad traffic, you know, everything's slow. You've got to pee, you've got to pee. You know, that's the great thing. So men can stand peeing, you know, up against something. Yeah. A wall stand, we can do it.

A bush, between bushes, on a tree grass snow whatever but women would actually be able to pee like a horse you know because we couldn't just pee forward and then walk like that because then the forward motion would probably lead us to run into some pee especially if there's wind but maybe but let's imagine a world without wind and then and then a world could pee like horses and actually walk and then keep going. And I think it would be... It's really a lot. And so you're saying you couldn't because pee would go on you. Yeah.

But a woman could walk along peeing and she'd have no pee on her. I mean, I reckon if she's wearing sort of like fishing pants, you know, those kind of rubber fishing pants. Okay. And that are crotchless. Yes. And really taped tight along the thigh. Then yeah. I think guys could do that as well, actually,

if we taped ourselves down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also I think nobody is – there's been a, you know, since podcasting I've noticed a lot more pants companies advertising themselves. You know, you've got your Bonobos, a bunch of other groups of people selling pants on podcasts, advertising pants. But I think nobody's advertising a really good peeing pant.

No pants market what they offer to the peeing experience, which, you know, just as much as walking is a big part of what we do with the bottom half of our body and the pants region indeed, in general. Well, that's – and I think now that we've maybe come to the point where there is underwear technology that allows you to just have your period into it, that suggests that our underwear absorption technology is getting to a point where I think soon, and I'm not saying it's within the next five years, but ten years seems unreasonably far away that we could just

pee right now. Alistair, what you're describing is a nappy. Yeah, it's a nappy. I know, I know, but... But that underwear, what we used to describe it as was a pad. Yeah. Or a tampon. Sure. Right? And now it's just underwear.

And you can live your life without wearing a pad, without wearing a neck. I call them pundies. Pundies. Oh, great undies. Bit of fun. Yeah, that's good. And it's a pun as well. Exactly.

And that's in there as well. So the pun as well. So are you flagging that it is a pun? Yep. So people know going into it, this word is going to be a pun. Pun alert. And then you go pundies. And then you go to pundies. And then you can just relax because you don't know what, you know, relax and enjoy it.

Once you've been flagged, what's happening? What's coming into your ear holes? It's great for a word to introduce itself on the way into the ear. Yeah. So that's why sometimes I, when I'm saying a word, like let's say I'm going to say self-effacing. Before going into the word self-effacing, I go regular word, self-effacing. That way people know it's not going to be a pun.

There's actually no humor here. Although I might be using self-effacing humor. I'll be saying I am using regular word, self-effacing humor. It is exhausting having a conversation. Oh, tell me about it.

Sometimes I like to, before I say a word, whisper a word. Just to sort of, you know, smooth the waters a little bit, break the ice, you know. Hello. It's the opposite of an echo. It is, yeah, a little pre-echo. Yeah, pre-echo. Is the aversion I'm feeling pun-ecreco?

What? Pun-ecreco. Is that in Italy? It's happening. It's happening. All right. Now, is there resistance to the pee undies? Pun, pee undies.

Yeah. That you guys don't believe that undies could hold that much pee? I think it's a really funny sketch. Does it need to be full pants? Can I tell you this? Can I tell you this? This is the sketch, Alistair. It is somebody who has invented pee undies, undies that you can pee into,

and they are trying to pitch them at like a Dragon's Den type scenario, and the people they're pitching to keep saying that they're nappies, right? And the people who have invented them keep saying, no, they're just very absorbent undies that you can pee into. And you can walk around. And you can walk around. Yeah. But they're very resistant to them being described as nappies

yeah okay yeah they're that disconnect you know that's the source of the humor there in fact this could be the closest to a sketch idea we've come up with anything and then so so maybe they would also ask they would go somebody also add that the official sketch count is now at one and wait can they can they argue? Could the people argue? They say, oh, well, does it slosh when you sit down in it? Slosh is a fantastic word. And they go, it does a little.

And it's undies! And you go, no, no, no. It's nappies. Oh, yeah, sorry, nappies. Oh, forget it. Look. Oh, no. Oh, my goodness.

Pee undies. We've been really, we've been done dirty. Oh, my goodness. P. Undies, Dragon's Den. Really, we've been done dirty. Sketch count. Please put it back to whatever it was. It's 122, 122. I thought it was 142. No.

It was a point, though, where when we were going out of 70, I started writing 80, and then I started writing 50 for some reason. I wrote 50, 51, and then I started writing 50 for some reason. I wrote 50, 51, and then I went... What? Okay, so...