Simple Swedish Podcast - 302 - "TOY GRADE PLASTIC BAG"

Episode Date: August 31, 2021

The New Normal, Harpoon a Waiter, Poopee Cushion, Cheeri-Double-O's, Funbags, Magic Doctor, Alternative Therapies Sans Frontiers, Hate Everyone, Shirtless Yeti, Small FootYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastJoin the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right herePure mountain thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Wow Wow. Welcome to the Think Tank. The podcast where we come up with a number of sketch ideas, net numbers five. Exactly five, every single time. Shoot me down and fly him if I'm wrong. I mean, it's murder me with an ice pick. Murder me with, through my eyes, murder me through the eyes with an ice pick? We're going to be through my eyes, murder me, through the eyes, an ice pick. Have we talked about this on the podcast before

that like obviously getting stared at me? That a nice pick would be perfect for having skewers of eyeballs. Perfect. If you were serving eyeballs as a little finger food at dinner party I think they would be served on I've I had little ice picks Yeah, well, I think every guest should bring a nice ice pick Mm-hmm, and then as the waiters walk around with the plates of eyeballs rolling around on the plate

You get to just have stabs because that's why you need such a sharp implement. You got to stab the eyeballs so that they, you know, because they'll try and roll away like peas on, you know, be chased by a fork. I think, you know, in the post-COVID time, when, you know, finger contact with food is no good. And, you know, also shed cutleries no good. And you don't want to have to be doing lots of washing up at the end of the night, that kind of thing. I think a new kind of dining ice pick that everyone has takes with them to dinner parties,

because we're still having dinner parties. Right? And then the traits of Canapace are carried around by the waiters. And as they go past, you just stab things off them with an ice pick. Whatever they are, they don't have to be eyeballs. Usually they will be. They'll be. Oh, I'll have one of those. Is that a gin and soda? Yeah, great. Pick it up. I mean, let it pour out of the whole email, try to not get as many. You said it close your teeth

so that not as many of the broken shards glass fall through into your. You feel to them out. This is this is this is the COVID normal. This is what we've got to get used to now. This is what I thought, and it's, people, nobody wants to see, nobody wants to see, or about the pandemic, right? Mm. But we could be forward thinking and set our sketch show

in the new normal. That's what it's called, the new normal. That's what it's called the new normal. I like it. And so these are some of the things that we'll get used to. And that we'll also, it'll be both educational because I know people who are commissioning programs, they love to be learning something whilst being entertained. Yeah, that's right. They're so past entertainment now. It offers them nothing. Edgy entertainment is the only way, the only way forward.

Well, the education is something to, is a little honey to help the medicine of entertainment go down. That's right. I mean, it's definitely true that people want to watch entertainment. And usually your stereotypical point is valid that usually the, the entertainment is there to help the education element, the informational element go down. Yeah.

But as far as getting that commissioned, it's absolutely the other way around. The, the, the education is there to help the entertainment go down on paper as part of the broadcast schedule. That's right. Now I don't know how. Just restated your joke in about half an hour out of the stair and I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it and I think I'm going to just submit that as my pitch. Sure. I'm just going to write down the new normal. I mean, people could, you know, there could be also, it doesn't have to be ice picks. Well, I have written down ice

picks, ice picks, either finger foods. And I'm going to write plus other examples. Ah, great. Right. That leaves so that, you know, only limited by your imagination, or in this case our imagination. Yeah, that's what it was. Just be the ice picks. I mean, I did think a little harpoon, I would love being able to harpoon a spring roll. Oh, I've swiped across the room. Especially from one of those guns that you hold with two hands. Yeah, it's big.

If your table had one of those, so that you could. So then let's say, you know, they're not walking by and they're just being left on a table on the other side of the room. Well, why walk around and spread your germs when you could just aim your harpoon gun at the table and then.

I tell, he's a donning dining experience I would fucking love right. All the waiters their little waste coat covered in the spiky side of Velcro right at our at our table we have a little harpoon gun that fires basically a stick with a fluffy ball on the end, right? And as the waiters try to make their way across the room carrying their tray of canopace, we fire our tables harpoon gun at them, hit them in the waistcoat, and we get to get as a table the experience of dragging them in and they're fighting, they're writhing around, they're angry that day. They don't want to let them into the day. They don't want to, they don't want to, they don't want to. They don't want to serve us.

Yeah, and then when we get there, we feast upon the canopies. Yeah, sometimes you can just put out a fishing line with a tip on it. Yeah. And once they got that money in their mouth, you pull. Yeah, and once they got that money in their mouth Pull Because their hands are their hands are full of trays That's right. So of course they're gonna get the money with their mouth I think that phrase and even

Quattro foods. Yeah, sure because they can carry a lot because of them being trained wetters. I mean, the real impressive trait in the way that comes with the fact that they don't spill a single one of those canopies as they hold that tray on one hand with those blade fingers while also being dragged across the ground by a Velcro harpoon gun.

Well, I mean, of course, even hospitality schools will have to adapt to these times, and people will be trained in that way. Yeah, well, I mean, in my version, now in this Harpooning world, where you Harpoon a waiter, it's, I think it's harder to justify from a COVID perspective. I think this is just an enjoyable dining experience.

Yeah, but I think the Harpoon buffet, or even the skill tester buffet. The Harpoon buffet sounds just like Elvis could have sung a song about it, just after the heartbreak hotel. And now the Harpoon buffet. I met you at the hot food buffet. I met you at the hop-oom buffet. That's very beautiful. Alistair, you're extremely talented. You're probably the greatest musician

of all time. Andy, that wasn't good singing. No, Alistair, it was great. I mean, your eye wasn't good. It was the best singing. It was the best. The goodliest. The goodliest. The goodliest. Do you think the good list? I'm going to revolutionize a style of music. Yes. Yeah. I mean, if once you give up, you know, wasting your time with whatever it is that I'm doing with you. I'm the one wasting your time. And you finally branch out into your chosen field of music. It will, yeah, I wouldn't wanna be an established artist in that genre when you come a knocking.

Yeah, but it's gonna be, I'm gonna have a worst effect on the finances of that genres music industry, the Napster did. I'm hoping to be so good that Metallica will sue me. He's, I call him the Napster. They call him the second coming of Napster. Because he has his name. They call him the Napster because he is hardly ever awake during the day.

Yes. Saying that made me think of something. Oh, what was it? Well, back when we were talking about entertainment and edutainment and how you need to add that into shows in order to get them commissioned, you know, I made me wonder whether because it's not enough to give people just one thing anymore, give people just entertainment. Is there anything else that we could add instead of education to our entertainment? Yeah, and or entertainment. What's the third thing that we could add?

Yeah, well, I mean, I think that I think that a mood is something. That's what I think I mean, I think that I think that a mood is something that's what I think I Would like to make the first soothing comedy album that isn't like this meditation thing But just a soothing thing to listen to because there's different styles of music Yeah, right some that make you feel calm Love listening to Hawaiian music it makes me feel calm Now I think that Todd Barry is the closest we have to ambient comedy? Oh, it is pretty good. That's a pretty good uh You're telling me. Thank you. Yeah, that was over. That's a good

Here you go. I went, I can't do his voice, but well he had a he had something about He had a joke that was about somebody asking for, can I get some lemon for this water here? Please, can I get some lemon? Is that you out of the cafe? Can I just get a little bit of lemon for the water? You know, that's what I need. And when I'm drinking, this is how I have it at home when I'm drinking water. You wouldn't believe the number of chopping boards that I go through For all of the lemons that I'm constantly slicing My drinking water

But it's it's the choice of chopping boards instead of knives or whatever Yeah And the idea that you go through them as well you're going through them like you are doing so much lemon chopping Yeah God I'm so bad. Is that the whole bit? Is that the whole? It's pretty much it that's he'll he'll see that's give him give him a piece give him a little joke then he's out That's nice. That's nice. That's Todd Barry. Everyone look up Todd Barry.

Funny guy. Good guy, great guy. Nice guy. I don't know if he's a nice guy. See, it's like he might be at our side. Yeah, I think he might just have... I think he just might not like having people get too close to him. I'm sure.

I think he's nice. I think he's just got some, there's probably some trauma there. I don't know what it is. Probably got some barriers, got some boundaries. Barriers, that's what is next time. Todd Barrier. Todd Barriers, Todd's Barriers. We only have one sketch I did so far.

No, I'd love, I'd love, here's my sketch I did. I did Todd Barrier. But really deeply confessional performance. So real raw. No, look, Alistair, you can't tell me that Harpooner waiter doesn't deserve its own idea. Secrets from your new normal. Your new normal thing.

So fucking broad. It's hoovering up every other idea. It's the Disney of ideas. Nothing can stand alone anymore. All right, I've put in Harpoon Awaiter. But I have included Harpoon buffet under the new normal, but you know what, Harpoon Awaiter can be its own thing. Thank you. But also, it would be cool if they put the bill, the bill at the end of the restaurant thing on a target or on a whale. And then you have to harpoon the bill at the end as well.

Yeah, sure. I mean, I do. I would do harpoon your drinks though. Like, let's say you weren't just harpooning a waiter. Let's say you did have to harpoon some of your food. Do you think to harpoon your drink, you would have to, maybe they would be closed containers like sippy cups.

I feel like that might help. That would give it a chance. But it would be cool to do that. Either that or the drinks are soaked into sponges, right? Which we haven't explored enough as a drink culture, a delivery method. An old wet rag that you could squint is a bit of moisture out of. Yeah.

You know what would be perfect for it? A whoopie cushion. Oh, yeah. Because I think a whoopie cushion. Oh, yeah. Because I think a whoopee cushion has a sponge inside it. Well, the modern whoopee cushions do. In my day, you had to blow up the whoopee cushion yourself, but the new whoopee cushion to these self-inflating things.

Yeah, no, that's true. Not all of them. I liked that. You're right. I apologize. I guess the benefit of those ones is that they've got a little hole on the side, right? This one's with the sponges so that they can re-inflate automatically.

Yeah, that must have a little valve. But that hole is sealed when you're sitting on it. Yes. But the problem with most whoopee cushions is that if you're victim, sits, this rub, this fucking room, it's warm, let's see, it's wrong. It's wrong on the cushion and pushes all the air pressure towards the back

rather than towards the spout. The valve. Yeah. You blow, you blow, you blow your cushion. Hmm. Sure. It's probably, I mean, there could be room for a new breakthrough. I mean, the addition of the foam was probably the biggest breakthrough in whoopee cushion technology. I mean, you could make it for like a hundred years. You could make a diarrhea whoopee cushion.

Oh, it's... Oh, you know, one that is stupid. Oh, it's... Oh! You know, one little student just... One that doesn't just, you don't fill it up with just air, but you fill it up with chunks and liquid stuff like that. And it stinks like shit as well. It stinks like shit. And it's like shit as well. It's not shit. It's not shit. It's it's what the amazing thing about is that it's biologically identical to shit, but it hasn't come out of

an asshole. And so it's actually fine. Yeah, we've this is like we make it in the same place as we make our Yeah, we've this is like we make it in the same place as we make our What's that Kombucha we make kombucha we make you know, it's just another fermented food yeah Like except that it's the opposite. It's a fermented shit, but it's not shit I mean this is a great It's a great pivot for a company to make, because so often, you know, great inventions come about by somebody trying to make one thing, and then they realize it's not good at this is the thing that they wanted to make, but it works well as something else.

So that's what happened with the sticky stuff on post-it notes You know they were trying to make a new kind of glue didn't work. Graves a glue But had this sort of you could pull it on and off and like you know, and they put on post-it notes Who's pulling them on off? They don't really work. They don't they don't say that sticky for that long Well You're right. You're right. I mean you can maybe get a couple of reseals, but Not if you touch it with your fingers though. What would you have been trying to make?

You could you know you could be trying to tap into this to this you know this the fermented food market, you know people Yeah, and then what then we discover something and then what did I discover something so I think stinks and looks exactly like shit and you've got heaps of the stuff and you're looking around what are we gonna do and then some some young graduate in your office got a fresh take on things he or she see speed puts up a hand and says

uh... speed puts up a hand and says well if it stinks and like shit and it looks like shit and by all accounts it's like shit probably a duck should we just buy the bullet, sell it as shit and then you try and find ways to sell shit and the whoopie cushion that actually

shit see yourself it's it's right there. We need it. Kids need more, you know, to pranks need more edge. Kids need things to be more extreme these days. I think it could be big. I like it, Andy. I like it.

Thanks, I'm still. Thanks a lot, Dan. So, what are we using it for though? Putting it in one cushions. Putting it, oh, that's right, for diarrhea cushions. Yeah. Oh, no, I have to spell diarrhea. I guess you call it a puppy cushion? Puppy cushion.

It's a bit on the nose, isn't it? A bit obvious. I'm going to write it down on this cushion because it's a bit on the nose isn't it? A bit obvious. I'm gonna write it down on this cushion because it's easier than smelling diarrhea but really what it is is a candy spilled diarrhea. Oh my god Alistair. This is my worst nightmare. It's D-I-O. I-O. Hey no it's gonna be a thonga. Yeah, R, H. Double, double H? Where's the double R? There's a double, something.

Double R, H. O-E-A? O-E-A, yeah, I think that feels right. D-I-A. It's a real, D-A-H. O-E-A. Just chunks of letters everywhere. Just chunks of letters everywhere. Oh, all running together, that double R in the middle there.

Made with poo too. Shit too. I know that we've... It's insulting to the chef, I suppose, or whoever it was who formulated the original attempt it, and you kind of fermented breakfast. But I think it's... We're trying to come up with another disgusting fermented food and fermented porridge. Fermented porridge.

Fermented porridge. Oh, yeah. from Menteep Porridge. Yeah. I was thinking, as I was running the other day, reminiscing about a very early sketch from two in the think tank that we ended up doing on a live show where we were trying to come up with a breakfast cereal for the middle-aged man. We were trying to, it was just a brainstorming sketch where we were just pitching different things

that like what would middle aged man want in a breakfast cereal. And came back to me and I was thinking, you know, another great thing would be a breakfast cereal that was totally silent, right? Totally silent chewing experience. I mean, firstly, I thought that one thing that men would really like would be,

middle aged men would be silent. So, dads would crave a bit of silence. That's right, well, if you've got, you finally have a moment alone to eat breakfast, and then suddenly the breakfast is giving you such a ruckus. Exactly. All that corpus. Quite a thing. But I thought- Well, I thought- is giving you such a ruckus. Exactly. All that corpus. Why didn't he?

Well-watching, for sure. For sure. For sure. For sure. For sure. For sure. For sure. For sure.

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Might be difficult to digest. come out of your ass pretty quickly. You could probably drown in it. It might be difficult to digest. But I'm just picturing a, this feels like a very obvious sketch context. But whoever it is that gives James Bond the gadgets in the movies, in our version, they're also giving some dining options, such as totally silent breakfast. You can eat it in an air duct.

Imagine that because it's like an enemy base. Imagine that it's like a silent, crunchy toast. That's fantastic. It's got the crunch. It's easy to make something that's totally sloppy. Crunchy toast. Mmm! Ah! That's fantastic. It's got the crunch. It's easy to make something that's totally sloppy. Right? But sometimes you don't want that.

You still get the texture, but it's silent. Mmm. Because it's awful to have something without texture. Mmm. Mmm. Yeah, you know, you might as well let the Russians win or whatever. Yeah. In this bi movie.

Yeah, because normally you might be waking up in your sort of like, you know, you're probably you could be in the middle of a forest near the edge of a, you know, a sort of a, you know, some Russian base, in the middle of the Arctic or whatever like that. I think maybe a picturing one from Inception. Yep. And you're in there, but you know, they probably got sound monitors and things like that. Listening specifically for crunches,

probably crunches in the snow from walking about. But then you're, you know, you're just in your little tent and then you bite down on that first bite of crunchy toast like that. Picks it up. How are you cooking the toast? How are you cooking the toast, then? How are you cooking the toast?

You've got a wrist toaster. Oh, of course. You know, it's like you're basically wearing a gauntlet and the outside of it heats up. It's got, you know, it's got, it's got a little raised area of the middle grid that keeps the toast at least, you know,

sort of half a centimeter away from the heating elements. Yeah. But basically you just heat your wrist up like that and you just hold your toast up like that and you just hold your toe stuff like that. Everything's compact, it's perfect for survival. You can probably just burn, you could silently burn the tent since it's a no smoke, tent burn tent.

Yeah, I mean, I would actually love that. I gotta say putting down a tent is one of the most unpleasant parts of camping, having to pack it up, having to roll it up and get it back in the fucking tube. You know what would be great? I don't think you could slurp up, that you could just slurp up like a, like, like, I know you're picturing it with your mouth and and that's probably, that's probably more fun than what I was. What are you picturing?

Like, you know, like, imagine kind of like a reverse Spider-Man, you just slurp it up through your wrist, like skeleton, it's skeleton kind of just falls apart as it gets pulled in a certain way, and it just kind of like falls into little bits. You know, like it's basically like a nano bot, a nano bot tent. And you know, you just slope it up through your wrist and then it gets completely distributed equally throughout your jacket.

I mean, I don't think it has to be a nano bot type thing. I think, you know, what you're describing is basically a parachute, but like with the video played in reverse, right? You just want it to maybe have some strings or something and just be able to go back into a backpack. Could you just be wearing a windbreaker and then just like inflate it? And then that's your tent. And that's your tent.

Yeah, be jacket. You inflate it a bit and then it like it just kind of fills out and all the bits that pop out kind of close it up and then you just inside it. I think we might have discussed this on a similar thing on the podcast once a long time ago.

It was about like a kind of like an isolation thing that you pull a trigger and suddenly you're surrounded, you know, this thing inflates out of your backpack. There's all this air pressure and now you're in a ball. You're inside a little womb like ball. I love that. I think it's set up a tent. Set up a tent in the play area the other day.

Just know, just popped it. We got one of those ones that you know, you just got a fault and it's just like pops out. Then you got twisted back into motion, which I have no idea what to do, but somehow find it now. I just find it, I learned once and it's somehow in my bones. In your muscle memory.

No, it's in my bones. I've got it in my bones. My muscles have no idea how to do it. Yeah. My bones are guiding my muscles like it's a truck reversing onto a main street. And, well, as I say, oh yeah, I've set up this tent and I set in there

and I'm like, this is where I could work. I don't like it here. And I think like, that you're I could work. I don't like it here. And I think like, you're in a little kid's play tent. Hey, well, it's not a play tent. This is a regular four-man tent. Oh, wow. Yeah, I just, because it's just like,

it's just like, let's occupy these kids for, you know, for half an hour. Oh yeah, totally. Pop it, pop a tent. And then like, just bring some of the, we got like a little ball pit.

So just brought some of the balls in there. So it's way funnier to throw the balls at each other if you're inside a tent, because then it's limited in the scattering of the mess. Less cleaning up. It's good. Why were we talking about toast? Oh, look at the silent toast for the spot.

Silent toast, I think that's a sketch idea, Alistair. Yeah, no, I bring that down. Silent breakfast for either the grumpy moons, or for the spy type. Yeah, I think that there needs to be more work into putting into just shutting up. And a bit of a hush. Just shutting everything up. Yeah, yeah, I mean, really, I know it's extremely

cruel, but if there was something that you could get that would just make children be more quiet, you know, like some kind of little volume control, children, or some kind of volume control, because it's for their own benefit as well. You get to the point where everybody's yelling and screaming about something, and then to be heard, you've got a shout over the top of all of that, you're like, well, if I could just turn the volume down on my children, then we could all hear each other, we could communicate. I wouldn't turn it all the way down to zero, obviously that's a human rights issue issue But if I could just turn it down to 50% you know, just attenuated

I don't know if it involves releasing a different gas into the room sort of I don't know They patron have something put on their throats. I'm not saying that that I mean that sounds bad Pops over their head sure, but safely It's a safe plastic bag. Yeah, safe plastic bag. One that is porous. Yes. Shaped like a Mickey Mouse head or something. Yeah, I mean, it's a sort of a, it's an acoustic bag. I think the word plastic has got too many connotations. It's got a lot of, it's really loaded when you talk about having that on top of a child's head.

Exactly. I mean, all these plastic bags, you don't even ever get a plastic bag and it's printed on there. This plastic bag is not a toy. No. Firstly, who's thinking that's a toy? Who's, look at that plastic bag. I'm sure, well, exactly. And that's a toy? Who's... Look at that plastic bag.

I'm sure. Well, exactly. And that's where I'm going with this. Where are the plastic bags that are a toy? Because if every plastic bag is not a toy, then I feel like you don't need to print that on there. There must be somewhere out there, plastic bags that are toys. These are toy-clothes.

These are toy-clothes. Yeah, right. And, you know, obviously, when they're delivered, the bag they come in, that's not a toy. But you open it up, you get inside. Those plastic bags, yeah, good times are here again. And we thought it was a good idea. We thought it was a good idea. We were releasing this product, you know, and kids bringing it to school and they're walking

around with safely with this play grade plastic bag all on their head. And all the kids that don't have the toy go home. I want to be cool like the kids at school. Yeah, put a plastic bag on their head. That's why parents have a real incentive to buy their kids the our safe child's friendly head grade plastic bags because otherwise you know they're gonna get it one way or another they're gonna get the thrill of having a plastic bag on your head. Mm-hmm and it's up to you.

It's real of having a plastic bag on your head. And it's up to you. I ran this down. Thank you. You passed the audition. Next one, child grade, opiates. You know, they always say keep out of reach of children. Where are the ones that you can keep in reach of children? You know, where are the,

where are the prescription drugs that you can just let the kids have a bit of a play with? You know, little kids drug, drug set that they can practice popping in and out of their mouths. Well, I mean, couldn't you just give them sugar pills? They love kids love sugar. That's true. And we're trying to keep them away from regular opiates.

Yep. So you just give them that little pill container, that little orange one from the movies that Americans all have. Yeah. And you put a little label on it and it's got their name and stuff like that. You just fill it with pills, sugar pills. And they say,

you're not allowed to suck them, you gotta swallow them whole. And this is how they practice. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career in a rewarding field with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time. Mycomputercareer.edu. is the time mycomputercareer.edu.

Yeah, we got to win them all too. I remember that thing. Crazy the first time. Someone's like, yeah, just swallow this. You go, what? Never swallow anything whole of my life. And suddenly this is like the whole, the only mechanism through which that we can deliver at certain drugs.

And some of those pills, they, I think they're taking the piss by making them as big as they are drugs. And some of those pills, I think they're taking the piss by making them as big as they are. Yeah, some of them. Make them smaller and I'll take two. You know? Why, why, like some of these like,

just make them more comfortable. And can I assure you something? It's like a log. You take, you take a conatia? I have in the past. Yeah. You don't seem like an issue guy. I don't even know.

I couldn't even tell you really what it does. Is it like is it like a just general health sort of thing? I don't know if it does anything. Of course it does. No, I mean, of course it does nothing, Alistair. But what is it? What does it put port to do? Like, yeah, I mean,

does it for port to do like? Yeah, I mean, it's a report. This is I mean it just it just couldn't possibly Hmm They wouldn't allow it Well Andy remember that time that you went I mean we've mentioned this but right You'd you'd had some ongoing cold or something like that for a long time and then after three weeks you wouldn't see the doctors and they're like, all right, we'll give you something that actually works. And then they give you some steroids or something like that and you were better within a couple of days.

Yeah, I had been seeing for a long time with some lung cough thing and I was like, I had all this work and I was just like so, I had stuff to do. I think we had some, was that like before we did a 300, a 200 episode of the podcast or something, there was something coming up, comedy festival or something that required me to actually be able to function.

And I was so desperate and I was like, seemed so pathetic when I went to the doctor. I was like, please is there just anything? Because they always say, it's a cold. We can't do anything about that. It's a cold, just rest, you know, drink it slowly. Yeah, you just rest and you know, let the body take care of it.

And then they were like, well, all right, well, we can prescribe you these and it was some kind of steroid that helps your lungs. And I was like, yeah, all right, great, thank you so much. And then I took that, it was better in two days. Yeah, and you can imagine a scenario where I was like, yeah, all right, great, thank you so much. And it took that was better in two days. And you can't imagine a scenario where they're like, oh, you actually really need to get better. We'll hear you go take a kinesia. Yeah, yeah. This is the real stuff. Double double a kinesia. I mean, a kines Asia doesn't work, but Truth is the double a can asia does work

Don't ask us don't ask us why we don't understand Yeah, I mean, I'd like to picture herbal herbal remedy emergency department, but Mitchell and web already did that great homeopathic emergency department sketch. So maybe Dr. Says close your eyes and say, ah, come on, schnave, ah, come on, like that. It does not like a magical spell. Yeah. Who said just do that?

Yeah. Do that twice in the morning and I think that's really funny. A magic is real doctor. We're like, if you really seem like they need it, there's a couple of magic spells that do work. They don't want the information to get out there. They'll do a couple, a little incantation.

You know, but if you need to be able to, you know, if you need to get a clear information to get out there. They'll do a couple of little incantation. You know, but if you need to be able to, you know, if you need to get a clear test to get to your grandfather's funeral next week, just try that. Usually if you don't want to winking this doctor, this doctor. Wait, you go, are you serious? You go, just try it out. Here you go.

No, no, come on, you go, just me. I think the winking magician doctor makes me feel good. I don't know. Yeah, I like it. That's a sketch idea. Alistair, how about this? It is, you know, allied health professional son fontier. Right?

So it's not medicine son fontier, but these are all the people, the stuff that's not really on the the Medicare benefits scheme, but you know, additional things like it, you know, so they'll come into emergency zones, they'll come into disaster zones, countries that are racked by famine and war, and they will offer non-traditional healing. Raky, they have raky sure, raky, so on, song fauntier. Yeah, different types of massage. Yeah. That hot stone. Yeah. Or cold stone. Yeah. Capping. A Roma therapy. Echinacea distributors. Yeah. Yeah. Oh,, you're like doing like helicopter drops of Acchanatia. Ear can ear cancelling. Yes, right. Yeah, they have to go.

Emergence in ear cancelling. It's really hard to get there and so they have to go on a six-day donkey ride up a cliff and then when they finally get there, isolated fillet. It's been racked by some disease and they're like, right, everybody light on your side. I'd like to feature somebody trapped under rubble under a collapsed building and somebody's crawling in. Like, ah! Did they want to be in Canada?

They got almost no voice, come, he comes in Carlton. Don't worry. I'm here. I'm here. Okay. Put your head on the side. Okay, and then you Candle in the year light it up. It's really it's a really funny image. I love it. So wait, it's What was it? What was your thing, Allied Health? Yeah. Maybe that's not even what Allied Health is.

Allied Health is probably more legitimate stuff like prosthetics and stuff. My system might even be an Allied Health professional. This is, I guess, alternative therapies. It was the wrong term and I apologize to any allied health people we've offended. And indeed, any other... Allies. ...type of allies. Hmm.

I mean, there probably are allies to bad people as well. Oh, no. Ah, well, not allies of bad people. I think I covered it, Alistair. But you could help, you know, maybe you've insulted any enemies of bad people as well. I apologize to them as well. I think it's interesting that being a good friend is one of the best things that you can be. And then like you have really evil people and there must be people who are good friends to them.

So what does that mean? I mean it gets a really good friend would tell them when they were doing the wrong thing. Well that's kind of what happens with my when I'm playing with my kid Otis and and Otis likes to play baddies. He likes being a bad a baddie, right? And so I and so and then and then I'm like, ha ha, I'm gonna get ya. And then Otis like, no, no, no, we're on the same team. And then yeah, but yeah, but we're baddies. So like, I, you know, I'm so bad that I'm bad to other baddies. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, well, you can't be baddies. He can't be baddies. And, and, you know, just be good to, you know, some group of people. That's the point about that.

That's ideologically inconsistent, and that doesn't seem like the baddie philosophy. Hmm. The baddie philosophy is. To stick together and help each other out. His ideological consistency in your badness. And that's the only good thing about them. You can say about a baddie, is that,

well, they were bad to anyone, everyone. Yeah, I'll murder everyone. Yeah. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I'm not a, I mean, what is that? That is like the people who look like, I'm not a racist, I'm horrible to everyone.

Yeah. I'm, I treat, you know, I hate everyone. That's right, I'm not a racist, I hate everyone. I'm not a racist, I'm horrible to everyone. And I treat, you know, I hate everyone. That's right, I'm not a racist, I hate everyone. I'm not a killer, I murder everyone. I think, look, it could work. Doesn't quite work, doesn't quite scan. I'm not a murderer, I'm not a killer, I'm not a killer, I'm not a murderer, everyone.

There is something there, but I just can't quite figure it out. I'm not a killer, I'm murder everyone. There is something there, but I just can't quite figure it out. I'm not a killer. It's the end of the, it's towards the tail end of the podcast. This is when my brain turns to a whole bunch. That wasn't a hate crime, I'm murder everyone. Mm, I'm murder everyone equally. Equally.

I'm murder everyone equally. Ask anybody. Ask anybody. I'm murdered. Oh, ask anybody. Oh no. They won't give you an answer because they're all dead. They're all dead. And I think their silence speaks for itself. How are we going for sketch ideas, Alistair Troubley, but Burch George William Bill? sketch ideas, Alistair Troubley, Birch George William Bill. Well, Andrew, we're up to the three words from a listener. I've heard about this.

And so yeah, well, yeah, you've heard about it, you know, we might have three listeners. Now we have three words, and they can send in that are sent in by listeners of which we have many, and that can come when they support us on Patreon, which thank you very much everyone who does. Thank you to those who have even considered. They, although over lockdown, I have not been good at getting back to people. Patreon people have been sending in new three words. And I just, yeah, And it's been very nice. And actually this one is a new three words,

just because I'm scrambling before the episode trying to find three words. You know, my system is great. Just get one on top of the pile. Oh, it's such a good system, Ellen. The system is perfect, but sometimes I can fail. And so we have three words from Jim, from, from Jimbury. Hello, Jimbury, thank you.

Hello Jimbury or Jimbre. Is it one, is that one word? Yes, it's one word. Oh yeah, great. Jimbury, Jim, BR, EY, Jimbury, but it could be Jimbre. You know what I mean? Sounds like a word that would have something to do with bushwalking. I don't know if it's an implement or it's a sort of or it's a group.

But yeah, I think a Jim Bray. I slipped on some moss and a Jim Bray so let up my took us. Exactly. Could be a some sort of little parasitic word. Oh, yeah. I was picturing it was like a walking stick or something. Sure. So, I want to guess what, Jim Breeze three words are. Wait, somebody, somebody that we did the last words, they said that I got them wrong. It occurred to me.

What? And because you would guess them because I had written down... Five sketch ideas, was that right? Five sketch ideas, but it was something else. That's... That was something else. We will have to address that next episode. Sounds like a real scandal behind the scenes. Okay, here's the first word from Jimbery.

Paracetamol. No, I don't think you got a single letter correct. The first word is a real one. It's not really a thing. Why? Okay. Why? Only.

No, but you did get one letter. Okay Why only No, but you did get one letter yet Why yet it's the last one get Why yet dead get get Good What is it it's though Get, get. Good. What is it? It's though. Oh, no. Well, I think I think they're fucking with us.

All right. Well, I think giving three words that aren't nouns or verbs, what was your full of those words? There, what are they? Modifiers, they qualifiers, qualifiers could be a qualifier? I don't know. I don't know grammar, but yeah, it's a very slippery beast that they've given, you know, because I'm trying to hold onto a bar of soap, a wet bar of soap.

Yeah, one of them is two thirds, in a way, is three quarters of a Yeti. Sure. Imagine that three quarters of a Yeti, but not the exterior fur and skin. Oh, only the inner component of the Yeti. Yeah, because I mean, imagine that, inner component of the Yeti in hospital, right? Wrapped up in bed. Or would you take it to a vet?

Yeah, I mean, how would you know? Would you assume it's a person? Or a big weird person? Big weird, I mean, we don't know how different their faces are. Yeah, but we can't see their face, right? Because all their skins off is the eye assume. Yeah, but they would have a facade. Yeah, probably. For eyes and organs are.

I don't think I'd be confident. I think it would be really, it would be a really socially awkward thing to try and be like, take it to the vet. This does look like a person. Let's take it to the vet. You know, on the off chance that it is a person,

I think it would be really hurtful to take them to a vet. I'd possibly even think that even if it was a Yeti, the chances of a vet being able to treat them, I reckon they'd probably stand a better chance in a human hospital. I don't know that a vet, like, I mean, let's be honest, they're up against it. No skin. This is a tough case at the best of times. Where you're grafting from nowhere, there's nowhere to graph from. What do you cover them in? Don't know. But you're spray on skin.

That's the problem is if you put on that spray on skin, to try and help them stop getting infected, right? This is what we've decided hospital, and then suddenly they take on a very human-y look. Well, this is my problem, Alice. If you've discovered three quarters of a Yeti, whether or not it's the inside or just two arms and a leg and a head, but you're missing sort of a lower, you know, a leg and a bit of the torso.

Have you found a Yeti? Have you proved that Yeti's exist? All you've proven is that three quarters of a Yeti exists. Really for Yeti, a Yeti exists. We've still been in a full Yeti. Yeah. So I don't think anyone's proving anything, because even if you do have a Yeti, there's no DNA of a Yeti to confirm that it's a Yeti.

Yep. You really can find two. So far, you know you've got a creature. You think it could be an ape, it could be human. It could be a tall human, it could be somebody ape, it could be human. It could be a tall human, it could be somebody who's just lived bush for a long time. There should be a hospital, somebody, you know, there should be, you know, how there's triage, right, at hospitals, to work out how bad your situation is.

Yeah. Before all that, there should be a small, sort of, out of ring of triage, an outer circle, where it's their job to work out whether or not you're human. Or... I reckon they do that. There are some line calls that they can direct you to a vein. They probably... They're probably the line on the triage, on the first ring of triage, on the regular ring of triage. is this a human animal or other? There you go. Probably there's a chance you could probably even have statue on there because you never know. There must be some non-living humanoid.

There must be some medical professionals who they have trained up with as broad a skill set as possible who have, who are trained vets, but also trained human doctors, you know, who can do everything, who they call in for mystery cases. Where it's not that we don't know what the problem is, what the disease is, we don't know what the patient is, what the disease is. We don't know what the patient is, right? We've just got a bunch of bits and we just need to treat them. We've got three quarters of a Yeti and we got this, what we think could be a coat, but it might be the Yeti skin.

You know, there's a, that's all the bits we've got. Sorry, I thought I'd get somebody about to run into the room, and then I got distracted. It's like high-elasticity. Look, I think there's something, it feels like there's actually, there's a lot in this one.

I know it doesn't seem like a full sketch idea, but you think of all the issues that you're addressing here. You know, the awkwardness of being like, well, I don't think it's a human, but the news coverage, we would get if we took a human to a vet. It would almost set out an outdoor facility just in case, just like almost like a military tent just outside just to be like, look, you could have some excuse me like they're taller than anyone we've ever had. Was what we got to do sometimes.

Do you think that if we found a bigfoot, but the bigfoot that we found actually had really small feet? Do you think that we would then, you know, because do you think that we would then accept that we'd found Bigfoot and proven that Bigfoot existed? Or would you still have people saying, nah, Bigfoot's still out there, man? You know, I'm still out there every day. Look at a Bigfoot. Try to prove Bigfoot exists. I think it's that ain't no Bigfoot. It's a wild, eight-man lives in the forest. I don't think any of the big-foot enthusiasts would trust the government if the government

said that they had a big foot. They'd be like, what are they trying to do? What are they trying to trap us? They just want us to start looking. I think that a big-foot with small feet presents an interesting, yeah, we find it. We prove that it definitely, there is definitely as a wild wood, wood, ape man, but not, uh, doesn't have big feet. What is that? What are we learning that? I like this as like a B story in a film. Sure. I mean, could be the A story. Look, I apologize. I'm a B story guy.

I mean, you're a beast. I'm going to write a film that's three B stories. I'm going to win the A B story. Best B story. Best, best side plot. Side plot. Main story wasn't good, but I was really intrigued by what was going on over there between these two characters. Best supporting script. There should also be an Academy Award for Best Line that somebody who's not a screenwriter suggested and that the screenwriter put into the thing. Can you think of any examples of that?

No, but I could imagine suggesting something and then seeing it make the cut and then being like, there should be an award for that. Best behind the scenes story of a fun prank that some of the stars played on each other. Yeah. To be an Oscar for that. You know, because we love to hear that they haven't fun pranking each other. So reason the first thing that came into my head is that video of that. The director did that to himself or something like that.

He's like, oh my god. That wasn't a good story, dude. That was okay. Is that one of the nominees? It was the number of the easy, It was the first year. Oh. Yeah. I may really have a happy.

Yeah. But I'm laughing. I'm going to take us through the sketch ideas. We've got the new normal sketch show. For example, I don't know why I have to make everything a sketch show, but this is, you know, we've got ice, ice pick eating, you know, finger foods, you know, that's the only idea we had. The harpoon buffet. I was going to say that, you know, an ice pick in the year is obviously very fatal, you know, good way to kill somebody. Is it? But when we went and we might have talked about this, but there would be a pleasant moment where where it's gone in further than anything's gone before. You know, like,

yeah, they wouldn't like me to do this. The doctors say you shouldn't do this, but it feels good to have something in there really cleaning you out. That's all. Tell me that again. I speak with an ice pick. Somebody's stab, killing you with an ice pick, right? They're stabbing you in the end with an ice pick. There'd be a split second as the ice pick goes in, where it's not a killing you depth yet. And it hasn't even pissed your ear drum. It's in further than you've ever put a little Q-tip

or something like that. And you're like, oh,, you know, probably feel good. Listen to a bit because you never scratched in there, Alistair. Yeah. No, Steven King had a story about being a kid and then piercing his ear drum for because he had an infection. And he said it was the worst pain he's ever experienced in his whole life. Sure.

Well, that's not what I'm talking about, obviously. Yeah, that's okay, that's okay. I think then he had a done a second time by the doctors and it was the second worst pain he's ever had in his life. Well, maybe there's something in his backstory about experiencing that intense pain as a small child that led him to become what he did become. Yeah, I think that's what we're doing.

With a very striking face. Very striking. Even scarier than many of his books, which I haven't read. Anyway, so then we second sketch ideas, Harpoon a Weader. It's just a restaurant where you can Harpoon the waiter can come to you. Yeah, and everybody in the table says pulls on the rope. Harbonding experience.

As the waiter tries to get away, I think it'll be really fun knocking over other people's plates of food, trying to jump over their tables. Then we got the diarrhea, whoopie cushion, which is a result of a people attempting to make a new fermented porridge, but making something so disgusting that they've deemed it poo-to, and they sloppy, chunky, liquidy kind of thing, that they realize they could make the first whoopie cushion that is filled with diary instead of air. So it's even more embarrassing. Finally, the poopy cushion. Then we have the a silent breakfast for possibly for spies, possibly just for grumpy men who just need a bit of quiet.

You know, completely silent, cereals, completely silent. Well, I think grumpy men who just need a bit of quiet, you know, completely silent, cereals, completely silent. Well, I think grumpy men tend to love things that are like military grade, so they'd probably, it would probably start out as a military food to be eaten silently, but then as soon as grumpy men got their hands on it, it would satisfy two of their dreams of having total silence and also getting to feel like they're part of the military.

Be perfect for those guys who have like 007 license plates. Exactly. Silent, oh yeah, we've done that toy grade plastic bag that all the kids will want and parents will need to get them or else they'll do it with non-safe plastic bags. Then we got the magic... You heard Cheerios, this is Cheri Doubleos. Nice. Magic is real doctor who just gives you something that really works and then gives you some

incantation to say any wink that you want. Then we got alternative therapy some frontier and then there's just somebody crawling under some rubble and handing somebody, giving somebody an ear candle. This is, it's not a hate crime, I murder everyone equally. And it depends. Oh, I made it down, nice.

You know, it takes me, I mean, we found an angle that basically works, you know things. I mean we found we found an angle that basically works so It was I think there was at least two jokes there and I felt like that that you know, it's a waste if you don't more than two jokes is a waste Skinless Yeti that's the Hospital Orphate and then the other scenarios You know what, well, do you stop? I can't remember what I was, oh yeah, how do you prove it to Yeti? What do you do? You'll end up in a embarrassing situation. Then we got big foot with small feet

discovered. I wonder what the A story for that. That movie would be you can attach that onto any film, not a hill, anything. It'll just add a little bit of flavour, a little bit of colour in the background. Absolutely. I'm just a girl asking a boy if he loves and whether or not you think big foot has actually been discovered or whether it's still out there in small foot is just another species. Thank you very much and we're gonna go into the song now. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do You can find me at a Trumbly Virtual on Instagram. You can find us at two in tank on both. You can support us on Patreon if you like. It's very helpful. It's very lovely. There's lots of back content there. You can just continue living your life as well as possible and maybe even make some changes so that it's even more enjoyable. Don't just always feel that long-term happiness. That's what you want. Yeah, don't just aim for that long-term happiness.

Also, work on feeling good right now. What could you do? Anyway, have a good time. We love you. Bye. field with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to MyComputerCoreer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time.

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