Simple Swedish Podcast - 305 - "FACE/OFF BUT FOR SHIRTS"

Episode Date: September 22, 2021

Broga, Stationary Conga Line, Shirt Off, You Can't Say Anything Any More, Bonding Agent Man, Little Guys, Methmen, SketchsyYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastJoin the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereDelta-resistant thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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I'm sitting in my very warm living room using the same old mic. So let's see what has the biggest marginal impact on the effect of the performance. Yes, the quality of the product, whether it is the quality of the microphone, or the warmth of the room, or whether or not we're sitting on the ground on the cold hard ground. Yeah. I'm sitting on a warm soft couch.

I've changed two variables by sitting on the ground, making myself really uncomfortable. My legs and hip joints hurting. Have you ever seen, like, I've had an ad for a yoga instructor or maybe I've seen a TikTok? I don't know what it is. I can't tell the difference these days. I'm older now. And it was this yoga guy and he was talking about, oh, you need to open up your hips. Am I told you about this? No. No. And he shows all these exercises to open up your hips. I don't think I've ever needed my hips opened up a single time in my life. I didn't think they've, I think they've been closed for business my whole life and I don't think it's affected me in any way. I didn't.

I don't even know what an open hip would look like. I wouldn't have thought that the hip was designed to open. Is this like in a splits type scenario? Is that what it looks like? Like it just more like widening your knees out and like sort of the mouth of the predator, you know? Yeah, sure. You know what I mean?

They kind of go, like that, like knees go out and they bend and they just widen and it just opens up that whole area and shows the little stuff inside. Is it a kind of a man-spread type scenario? Is that what we're just going to do? Yeah, like a man-spread. Yeah, I guess that's how you would open up your hips. Hmm.

I mean, is it still toxic masculinity if you're man-spreading at yoga? You know, if you are actually getting in touch with your, I don't know, whatever you'd call it, some kind of yoga thing, some sort of inner energy. You're approaching Nirvana, but you're only doing it. You're going to these yoga classes, consistently working on your mind and your body, but you're only doing it in order to be able to take up more space in the media. But I guess they do give you a fair bit of space in the yoga class, I think.

Yeah, but you are then bringing that, what you've gained from that, that incredible hour and strength and control. And you're bringing it to social scenarios just so you can fill the space like a dickhead. Oh sure sure sure I see what you're saying. I think there's some kind of a... I think the way that you could sell it to me if you were an instructor trying to you know give me the opportunity to I mean look if this was a by the way to to follow you to sort of put a little lysing, a little cherry on top of your idea, it would be a yoga instructor or kind of like wellness instructor who is showing you how to sort of be more dominant and yucky

in public like that, allowing you to sort of reinforce sort of like a wellness, but for the for the patriarchy's dominance. Yeah, exactly. Well, I think one of the things that's holding the patriarchy back from even greater dominance is probably its resistance to, you know, self-improvement to spiritual improvement. And I think, you know, an enlightened patriarchy would be unstoppable. Sure. Yeah, luckily it's resistance, resistant to the enlightenment. You know how I would, how I would, one of these instructors could get me on board.

This is all they'd have to say to me. You know, man only uses 10% of his hips. I think that pretty much is the philosophy of yoga, isn't it? Yeah, you want to see what these babies could do. Let's really open her up. You know what I'm saying? I don't need, like the leg for me does not need to point anywhere, like anywhere other than forward really. Yeah.

Because I guess once you get sort of to 25 degrees outward and further in terms of the leg angle, you're getting into crab territory. Yeah, that's where you want to be. I think any, an entire range of furniture or a line of cars that have been designed for the hyper flexible mail, you know, an office chair where you do sit with your legs, you know, sort of in that horizontal splits position. So the chair is really, really wide, I guess,

to accommodate the legs. And... So you like a horse? No, it's wider than that. Like, you know, you're there with your legs fully sort of flat on... Like you're doing the splits. Like you're doing the splits on the ground, but you've got now a little platform

that you can do, you can do them on. Yeah, so it's a chair. So roughly where your belly button would be, instead of there being a chair, right? But where you would sit, let's say if you were sitting on a chair in a car, roughly about where your belly button would be be or somewhere between your belly button and your nipples and around that height, instead of there being chair, there's just a hard wood floor. Steering wheel is still roughly the same height. Yeah.

And then you climb in through that much smaller door available to you. And you just put a slide one leg in at the top and then you pull yourself up. And then the steering wheel is actually a little bit more in the center. Yeah. So it's actually the only room for one. Unless there's another man doing the splits

behind you holding you like it's a conga line. But it's a sit down conga line. It's a split down conga line. a split down con, con, con, con, con, line. Yeah. A split down con, con, line, a mobile split down con, con, line, but not mobile, because it's walking like a con, line, because we're talking split down con, lines are a static thing. That's right. Yes, I'm the inventor in the inventor of the stationery conga. The conga queue. I mean, it's really just a line.

There's nothing in the conga line that suggests that it's... Instead, it has to move. Yeah, you're exactly right. It's not the conga convoi. No. You know, it's like, oh, no, I was about to go into a super conductor reference. But I walk it.

Go into it. Do it, Andy. It's not an episode of two and a think. Ted, unless there's a, there's a super conductor reference. Well, I, no, I mean, I've just suggested thinking that it would be good if we could, if, you know, if, if we, whether or not we could, it's actually possible to create a totally stationary congal line by,

by, you know, calling it down far enough that it could, could, could be, or is a congal line by definition in motion, like a light, like a light, it's a guess it's more like a beam of light of photon, you know, does a congoline exist if it's not moving? Yeah, see what you say. Yeah, I see what you say.

Yeah, feels like there's gotta be a source at the back of the congoline that's adding people to pushing it forward. Mm-hmm. By definition. Yeah. You can try and create the right circumstances to have a stationary Konga line. Yeah.

I mean, I think that's a new state of matter. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Konga line-ium. No, that's more of a, that's its own element. A Bose Einstein Congon's state. Congon line. Yeah, yeah.

Bose Einstein. Bose Einstein's line, Congon, enough, for, fucking forget it, Alistair, forget it. We're not doing this. We're not doing this. We're not doing this. But online, Congress state. It's right. Yes. Now, Alistair. Was there a sketch in our yoga for blush? Yeah, that's written down. Yeah, right. Okay, that's written down. Yeah, right.

Okay, that's all I needed to confirm there. I think there's also the idea of the stationary congeline, I think, is in there. I mean, that's, I mean, I've been in the car. That's in the same idea. No, the stationary congeline is, is its own idea. Yeah, great. It's somebody arguing that the congeline was always meant

to be aligned, not a moving thing. But that's how cute. I mean, I think that queuing should probably work like that. You should have to dance. Because I think even in times of COVID, no, no, it's stationary. What is Konga? Is that a drum? Conga is our drum. Yeah. I think whatever...

The one that I think is a bongo drum? Yeah. Is actually the conga drum. And the one that I think is a conga drum is the bongo drum. But I've told myself that so many times I've now really have lost any grip on which one is which. Could you be thinking of the Jembe? I never would. No.

No, you wouldn't find me doing that. I mean, I don't know what a Jembe is, so it's very possible I am thinking of a Jembe. I'll take that back. Alistair, can I change the subject? This is gonna be nothing. Oh, away from African drugs. Don't we don't know anything about?

You know what's really fucking cool? When they do the countdown for something, and they do it in that format of T minus something or other, T minus 30 seconds and counting. When they say T minus, like that, that's really cool. Is the T for takeoff? Don't know, I don't know, probably. Knowing these guys, it probably stands for like

terminal moment or something like that. Yeah. And are they measuring it in negative time? Like is it? Yeah. A minus at the. Yeah. And then the time. And so they're starting with negative time. And then the actual clock on the project, whatever it is that is starting starts at zero at T zero.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. It's really cool. Now, other than aerospace, what other things are there that use this? I am probably pretentious art projects, I guess, you know, festivals and that kind of thing. Yeah. Okay.

I do it for orgasms. I do. Yeah. You can count it in. Yeah, sometimes starting days in advance. Really, I do it but it's a very short countdown. I go, oh, it's that like a... Do you want us to one? And then I start counting off from that point

because that's when the mission truly begins. After I change from T to sheep, after that. Sheep, yeah, good, Good. Cause it's sleepy time. Alistair. Oh, no. Yeah. I have somehow, while we've been talking, scratched myself, and I am bleeding quite badly from my arm. So I'm going to go and get a tissue. But you keep talking. Sorry. I left you with nothing to discuss. It's interesting.

No, I mean, blood is running down my arms. Well, be back. We have our first relatively serious podcasting injury here. But, you know, I guess while we're here, I guess I'll keep talking about sketch ideas. talking about sketch ideas. I guess we could start by discussing science. I think that's a kind of a trope of this podcast. I'm back, Alistair.

Something to do with biology. I was still deciding topic. I'm deciding what I was going to talk about. I've lost a lot of blood and I really no not really I'm fine do you but like what kind of blood I must have scratched some little thing off of my arm and just and yeah and then I just noticed that there was just blood everywhere it's tiny it's the tiniest hole. Anyway.

Yeah, we got rich red blood flowing down, coursing down, you know, arterial deep, that deep arterial blood. Yeah, probably. Hey, you know how like blood, they say like a blood is purple or blue on the inside of your body But then it's like when it comes to oxygen firstly a is that real and B what are the things that are in your body that are a different color? That will that would never we'll never see in their natural state Yeah, yeah bones Yeah bones are brown a grain. Yeah, I are brown. A green. A lot.

I think I prefer brown bones. You know when you get like those Neanderthal bones or whatever, and then they like, they've aged or whatever, they've, you know, they're just made of rock now or something like that. I think I prefer them kind of a golden brown. Mmm, sure. Maybe a roasted bone would be better? Yeah, there's, there's deep walnut bone tones.

Bone tones. I think, you know, if true beauty is under the skin, then why aren't we trying to tan our bones? Why are there no services or products, creams that I can apply that will give me that beautiful bronzed beach bones That is going to be so sexy. What is that saying that the true beauty is? I don't know. I don't know, but you know, it's under the skin or something like that, you know, it's under the skin I don't know if anyone actually says that but it sounds like something people would say, right? True, the tributy is on the inside. Yeah, that's probably a better way of putting it. Yeah, under the skin.

It's under, just under. It's just under. It's under. If I scratch away, I find graced women very attractive. Graced. Graced, you know? Or you have a little grace.

Yeah, like when somebody falls off their bike onto some gravel and they slide for a bit. Yeah, there will absolutely be fetish groups for that. No, no, there can't be. I'll us there, there will be, there will be. What's that movie where somebody's face is kind of taken off and then they touch their face and there's the red, oh, it's on face off.

What's that movie? Where someone's face is kind of take it off. I mean, that ended the only way it could, Alistair. The best possible way, and I'm really proud of you. What's, like, let's say that there was, we were making another version of Face Off. Leg Off. We were like, yeah, well, that's it.

This is what I'm thinking, like, right? It's gotta be something different because they're're like we can't use the face off Thing again. Yeah, it's basically will just be making the same movie. Yeah, so how can we How can we get more from this franchise? By taking something else off or changing something You know, I guess because you wouldn't go to prosthetics, that's just the face thing again. Yeah, yeah. Um, uh.

Digital identity, that feels too easy to just hide behind an avatar. Mm, mm. Uh, shirt off. Uh, it's it. It's, it's a movie. Is this about a volleyball game? No, it's a movie where a...

It's a movie where one is playing with shirts. The other one's playing skins, right? But the guy who's playing skins needs to infiltrate the shirt team. Yeah, right. So he gets plastic surgery to make his skin look like a shit. Yeah, or But he gets the other guy knocked out like he gets the other guy caught by the police and then brought into a lab and they knock him both out and they change the shirt from that guy on to the other guy. Oh, yeah, I mean that's exactly what I was sort of gonna go to.

Yeah, but it was gonna be swapping two guys' shirts. I think no, this is a funny scene, Alistair. This is a funny scene where they do for some reason have to knock these two guys out in hospital beds in order to switch their clothes. That's funny. Yeah. Um.

I mean, is pants pants off might be funnier, right? Then shut off. Yeah, but it's almost so obviously funny. Hmm. That the shirt, no, but I think, I think, no, I think actually I think shirt is funnier. Yeah. Because I think that changing the pants, people will think that you think it's funny,

that you're just taking someone's pants off. Hmm. But that's not the joke we're trying to make. No, you're right. All right, the joke we're trying to make is that somebody is in surgery in an operating theater so that their shirt can be taken off and put on another person who's been knocked out in an operating theater. Now, it is more of a classic surge in type appearance or composition that the unbuttoning of the shirt

with the surgeon's gloves and getting the sweat dabbed from your brow is such a beautiful parallel to the open heart surgery. I was picturing a t-shirt. T-shirt. Okay. And then that bit where you go and over the face with a little loop, you could do that last because you pulled the rest of the shirt up over them and you go careful, careful, careful, careful as it's kind of like pulling your skin up a little bit. Yeah. So careful, careful, careful, as it's kind of like pulling your skin up a little bit.

Yeah. I mean, look, this is not... I know, it's really, I've been joyiguing it a lot. I'm getting a lot out of it. I mean, do we need anything more, right? Why is this happening? I mean, this could go, I've seen like this could go. I imagine, and I've only seen a little bit of this show.

But remember when Paul Sheer had that show that was like, NYPD, SUV, SUVU, something, something, I do remember of that show. Cop show. Yeah, I never saw it. I saw a children hospital, which wasn't like, I think Paul Shier might have been involved in. Or yeah, that was Rob Cornfield, right?

I don't know. Rob Cornfield, yeah. But it feels like Paul Shier would have been in there. He would have, he would have appeared. Yeah, it was that, you know, after human traffic, those guys were doing, so they were called human traffic, the Aziz and Sari sketch group with Paul Shier. Human giant called human traffic, the Aziz and Sari, human human joint, human traffic was I believe a movie, fucking hell about drug dealers.

Yeah, human traffic. Hi, Rick. If it's about drug dealers, then it's probably about also human trafficking. Yeah. No, I think that's what you would have thought. But, or maybe I'm thinking traffic sounds like that's. This is this is a nightmare. Human traffic sounds like that, like that static congel. So that's a human traffic jam. Yeah, human traffic jam. Yeah, sorry baby, I'm stuck in human traffic.

This is like that we did a sketch that was like this, Elastair. If you could even call it a sketch in one of our shows, maybe the one with Pete, Pants, Pants, where it was just two guys. Would have been funnier if it was shirt, shirt. Now we know. See, we're older, we're wiser. We've learned a thing on to about the world and how sometimes you've got to avoid something that will definitely make everybody laugh in order to achieve something that might make

some people nod with appreciation. You know what I just had a thought of, right? Sorry that this is gonna take us off the rails before you tell me about this other thing. In the last couple of days, I had to listen to an old recording of a stand-up show. And I was like, oh, I would have, I'd be doing this a lot differently now if it was me writing these jokes. You know, just a lot of the jokes kind of don't go very far and things like that, right? And I just feel like I would put,

you know, if I put in the time, I would put in much more effort, I think, to make things better. If I was to put in more time, I would put in more effort, but. Yeah, great. You know, but, and then it made me, and so I was like, oh, it's kind of not as good,

maybe as I thought it might have been at the time. Anyway, and then it reminded me of after a show I did in the UK at their, you know, one of their good venues there that they have. What's that, what's that suburb of, it's a, both a suburb of London and a suburb of New York City? So, huh? Is that so? Yeah, the so, so, so, here.

I did a show off there and one went really good and one went not so good. Maybe one went okay and the other one went not so good. Anyway, after the one that went not so good, somebody tweeted me and said that was not a good show and I had the thought just then to tweeting them sort of maybe six years later going, you know what, I think you might have been right. Oh, Alistair, that's brutal though. That's real fucking brutal. I mean, it was just you doing a one of your shows, like a full hour of Alistair. Yeah, the one I was bringing to Edinburgh. So it was a really good warm up gig for me. You know, really, really built up my confidence and some hype as well.

People are tweeting about it. Well, people are tweeting. That's that I don't normally get that after shows. So that's really good. What shows that just out of interest? Was that the? Oh, it was kind of it was kind of a compilation. No, it would have been success arms maybe. Oh, yeah. I assume What was the thing you were going to say about the sketch in pants pants? Oh, just that just that there was a thing where we were

perpetually guessing the wrong film Two people standing there trying to describe films and getting. I know. Well, I think it was we were trying to guess the actor. Right. Yeah. And then at the end of it, it was something about it was Dame Judy Dentch and then we called the audience a fucking idiot. No, that was a totally different sketch. That was a parrot teacher interview sketch where at the end we revealed

the parrot was Dame Judy Dent, the entire time, and we called the audience stupid cunts for not guessing it. And then we got a review that said, look, this might be the kind of show that you like if you enjoy being called a stupid cunt. No, I think it was just a fucking idiot,

if you'd like, but, and I was like, well, I mean, us calling them that felt like that was a joke, but maybe, maybe that wasn't good. At the time, I mean, us calling them that felt like that was a joke, but maybe... Maybe that was completed. Yeah, at the time, I mean, God, I've been... You know, all this time in lockdown has given me a lot of time to reflect on old shows that I did and come to the conclusion that they contained no comedy whatsoever.

So... Okay, I think doing a show that... Doing a sketch that has nothing to do with Dame Judy Dench and then at the end saying thank you for your time Dame Judy Dench and then breaking character and then going you fucking idiots you didn't even realize it was Dame Judy Dench did ya you're so stupid when there was no clue, I think that's funny. That was the one where we got the review from the lady who said that she wanted to slap us in the face.

Yeah. And we've lost our edge. We used to really be quite controversial. Break a lot of boundaries. We used to really be quite controversial. Break a lot of boundaries. Too scared these days, can't say anything anymore. Now, what made you think of that, or is there a sketch in that? No, it was just us confusing things.

But how about this, Alistair? How about this is a sketch? Now this might not go down well. So let's see if I can express this in a way that's acceptable. But you know that movie, a quiet place, right? Yeah. Which is where there are monsters that attack people for making a noise. They sense noise, right? It's like that, but it's, but it's a specific chewing noise. No, well, close. And the monster is called Andy.

It's, it's, it's people chewing close to a microphone or even just close to me when I'm not personally chewing something. No, anyway. This is, it's a movie, it's like a quiet place, but it's called, you can't say anything anymore, right? And it's monsters, right? But what they do is they attack you if you make a sort of a generalization. It's basically, it's a, it's a boomer version of a quiet place. Quiet place, but it's yeah, and but they're kind of zombies. Or alien monsters or whatever.

If you say anything that's that's not sufficiently woke, I'm saying that in inverted commas, you can't see them, but I'm doing inverted commas around the world. Sure. And, you know, I think they'd love this. They'd love this. Yeah, but then also it would be great because then we'll be like, you know,

all the actual people who are sort of attempting to, you know, who are still trying to make an effort, who exist in this world, who have always been trying to at least make a small effort to, you know, not hurt people's feelings, not necessarily. Sure. There they'll be like,

You see, you could say things anymore until now. Yeah. Yeah. See, we weren't so bad. And I guess it really is politically correct. It's political correctness gone mad. Gone. Absolutely. Yeah. Psychotic. It's taken form. Political correctness has assumed a physical form as some sort of vengeful demon or or sort of a horde of you know swarm of sort of insects maybe or some insectoid beasts and yeah and that's what's happening. Yeah, I think... Now, what is the message of this film?

Uh, like... It's just a really good question. It's a really good question. Because I mean, in a way, there's something for both sides. And that's what I like about it, right? You can interpret it as a satire and so we'll sell tickets to those people or you can interpret it very literally.

Because what's, well, yeah, I think, yeah, I think you're right. I think the boomers in it would accuse, would accuse the left of being in some way, or complicit with these people or these monsters. You created this, right? But then, I think what I like, I can't remember what I like, but I like something in it. That's great.

I like the title. Oh yeah, this is what I like. I think I like that moment. It'll be a moment in the movie a few times, you know, when you meet a new character and they're sort of, you know, 55 and maybe leaving the hairdressers and they've got fresh new blonde streaks, you know, in their hair and, you know, in their, and you're like, oh, this woman's about to get taken by the monsters.

And maybe they're on the phone. Yeah. And they're gone. Oh yeah. Couldn't understand anything they were saying in there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty sure they were talking about me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And then you see like, you know, some just like, some eyes, out of a sewer or something. Or a storm drain pipe like that.

And then disappear. And then you can hear the nails clickety-clacking and then skinturacoey tunnels. Yeah. nails, clickety clacking, and then skin care echoey tunnels. Yeah, screeching, yeah. As this lady walks down the sidewalk, you know, and it's just daring her to cross the line. I think also the scene where like, you know, you've got a rag tag band of survivors, right?

And you're trying to escape with your parents and you're trying to help them survive. And you just try to get them to, instead of just speak a challenge, not make any noise, it's just a challenge to just not unnecessarily point out somebody's race, but they can't do it. It inevitably ends up happening. But this is as a thing, is that if you were just, you know, you're traveling together

through a campsite or whatever in your, you're looking around and things like that and you're with your parents or whatever, but it's not until you come across another group who are doing the same thing with their parents and they're from a slightly different culture. I had the kids in the family, I was just trying to, come this way, mom, come this way, dad.

Quick, try to get them away from each other and the parents just can't help it where are you from you know it starts and they're where are you really from now where are you really from no like that. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career in a rewarding field, with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments.

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I'm just about to say, it's good, you know, because I got this sentence in my head, pandemic of the unvaccinated, but it's like, it kind of is like an alien invasion that would only affect boomers. Not necessarily true. That's not about, you know, but in the movie, you could make it that so that like,

actually all the other kids are just staying at home. Their kids are staying at home and then these group of boomers are just trying to escape together and huddled together, you know, go, oh, they're after us. What if we, we haven't done anything wrong? That is, that is really interesting. Are there any horror movies in which it's only a specific sort of sector of society that are at risk? I mean I feel like maybe it's other nightmare on Elm Street

but I haven't seen them but are they that, but where it's only kids who are at risk from this nightmare? Scenario. Perhaps I haven't actually seen it. Yeah. But I think it's possible, yeah. But um, yeah, you know, I find it really interesting, the idea that it's going a lot, it's happening alongside everyone else in society, more or less going about their lives, just like it is sort of with COVID where young people aren't as much risk of dying. Yeah. I mean, just a movie in which the zombies only attack

old people. It's kind of funny. We come up with a lot of zombie movie ideas on this show. Do we? And it is a show. Oh, look, maybe not. We've come up with rich zombies, right? Rich zombies. Rich zombies. Yeah, okay. And there was another zombie I did that was kind of along the same lines. There's zombies. Yeah, I can't remember, but like, you know, yeah. But the rich zombies, one was where they're like, they're zombies, but they're still wealthy,

and instead of hunting people down to eat them, they use their disposable wealth to sort of pay just normal people to bring people to them to eat. Sort of a bit more like a sex predator kind of, behave a bit like an epstein kind of a thing right? Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, we would have an enabler. Jelaine. Yeah, look, you know, I mean, Jelaine's not busy.

Yeah. So that's how you pronounce that name, Jelaine. I think so, yeah. Yeah, right. Well, I've been getting that wrong. Sorry, Jolane. I think what have you been saying, Gizlane? In my mind, I probably haven't ever actually had to say it out loud,

but I think it would have been like, Gizlane. Or something like that. Gizlane, yeah. Gizzer. Gizzer. Oh, Gizzer. Oh, what do I school with a guy called Gizzer? Yeah. Jesus. What do I go with a guy called Jesus? Yeah.

Yeah. He's... Yeah. Oh, I wonder how he is. If you're listening, Jez, I hope you're good. I remember something quite horrible. He said to me that I was like,

nah, I can't say that on the, on the air. It's actually, you know, appropriate. Well, you have to tell me afterwards. Yeah. Well, okay. Well, you can tell me on a, uh, on a bonus episode, on a Patreon. If you subscribe to the Patreon, you'll be able to hear the awful thing that jizz, uh, no, I'm not, that's not true.

I'm not going to say it there either. Um, how is that? I'm using this as a marketing tool. Yeah. No, it's not true. I'm not going to say it there either. I'm using this as a marketing tool. Yeah, that's very good. But I think he might have also introduced me to the term get a dog up yet. Oh, the famous Australianism that I probably associate with you more than anybody. Yeah. Well, let's hope that doesn't die because a lot of people have been associating Norm Mcdonald with me and that died. So... Do a lot of people associate

Norm Mcdonald with you? Yeah, a couple people texted me or told me I thought of you straight away. Yeah, well, I thought of you straight away. And yeah, you introduced me to Norman McDonald. And yeah, we, I'd say, you know, we bonded over that, maybe, don't know about that. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know if we've ever bonded, you and I. Yeah, you're right, I'm really sorry. We just, we just somehow luckily get along without any bonding.

Without any bonding whatsoever. You know the word bonding agent. Imagine if that bonding agent was a man. Mm, okay, yes. Good girl. Or a woman. Yeah, who has to grab two things and hold them together. But it's there around friends who have, you

know, it gets called in maybe by some friends wives and, you know, maybe for their birthday, I've got your bonding agent. You know, the guy's a builder who's like, oh yeah, cool, epoxy resin. And she goes, no, no, no, this is different. It's for you and Craig like that and then the bonding agent is just a person looks like an agent, right? We're in a suit or something like that, maybe sunglasses and then when the guys hug and they do that kind of real heavy slap on the back, the bonding agent comes in and just stops the hand from slapping and just holds it on the back. Yeah, and then it holds on back both the backs and just gives them a moment with each other,

just their warm bodies against each other. To just have a moment just to be together. It doesn't have to be violent. It can just allow them to feel. This is really nice. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not weird because it's not you that's holding your hand there. It's the bonding agent. So it's fine. But then can I tell you something I think would be really cute. Yeah. It's a, it's a bond, it's a new product, right? So what we've done is we've perfected genetic engineering

to the point where we are able to make tiny humans, right? In large quantities. Yeah. You know, they're smaller than a centimeter, little less than a centimeter tall. And you can get like a tube, they're sort of the size of an ant. You can get a tube full of these guys, these little guys. And you squeeze them out onto something.

And they sort of work together as a team to hold things together for you. It is like a kind of glue, but it's like a guys. It's like, I guess you could get them like in a box of paper clips or something. Yeah, yeah. But you're like using by the handful and you can sort of, and the great thing is you can kind of communicate with them, right? They're not very smart, but they can sort of understand you, right? So you tell them what you want to stick together,

and they scurry around, clamber over each other, and sort of work together and grab the things and sort of hold them, you know? As a sort of mass. Yeah, they'd be a great alternative to nanobots. Mm-hmm, yeah. Little guys. Little guys. Yeah, like just little guys.

Yeah. And just like, you know, instead of bunch of nanobots that connect together and create structures, just, you know, like human pyramids that kind of act as stairs for you. Yeah. You could have your whole house made out of them. Yeah.

Yeah, they're like, they're like're like soldier ants that sort of cling together. Mmm. You can build your whole house out of it, but then maybe one day they unionize. They start asking for better conditions. But I think they're too small, they're too stupid. But they start attacking you. I mean, that would be bad. Yeah, I suppose they could like some of them

could just start running into your lungs. Yeah, that's suck. We really suck. Yeah, but I think that that's like, there's a kind of, you know, a be careful with what you wish for. Oh, I mean, we all wish for a little guys. Wish for endless little guys. Wish my house could just be all little guys.

Made out of tiny men. Mm. And women. Well, you're right. I mean, it would have started out as a thing where you could have a few of them and they will be quite useful. But then like anything that we find to be quite useful

and quite convenient, we start producing more and more of them right for cheaper and cheaper. And yeah, it does get to the point where rather than building a house, you just get a trailer load of little guys just dumped on your block. And they also sort of shout at them, boss them around until they sort of track themselves together into this structure. And you'll live it there. Because you've got to go make a door here. I don't know. And they would just, the door would open up. Yeah. And also that because you could, this is why it would be so easy to make them.

Because it would be made at an exponential rate because it's breeding, right? Oh, yeah, they breed. made at an exponential rate because it's breeding, right? Oh, yeah, they breed. You can still breed. Maybe they're born pregnant. Like bacteria. Yeah, and they eat, I guess just like dust and stuff out of the air and dirt and stuff. Yeah, exactly.

They just eat sort of air. What's that air plankton there that we saw about the other day? Oh yeah, don't remember, but there are little things that live in the air. They just, they, they're vocabularies pretty limited. They're just like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, yep, oh yeah, oh, yep. Oh, yep, oh, yep, sorry.

Yeah. Yeah. I reckon that would be a nice, like I'd like my bed to have a bed sheet made out of them. I think it'd be nice. Oh, yeah, because they could be calms and they could make a fabric. Yeah, sort of a, I think that would be nice, you know, and for that you could

make them, you know, like not wear clothes so that you could have that nice body warmth. Oh, that would be really nice, yeah. And it'd be nice for them, except for the ones who are right on the outside. Yeah, except for the ones you're on top of on the fitted shape. Yeah, you know, but you know, they're quite small. So there'd be plenty of air in between them and stuff like that for you. Yeah, and I imagine they're strong. Yeah, they're like ants. Oh, yeah. Like ants. But I mean, when you're very small, it's easier to To be able to lift up a larger percentage of your body weight They I mean a lot of them would die as well. They would be dying all the time

That would vacuum the barbets. I mean that would be a shame. Yeah Maybe the other ones eat them when they die all all the lots of random tear them apart. They eat them. Exactly. If they throw them up in the, like throw their bits up in the air so that others who are part of the wall can eat them. I'm picturing the wearing clothes, by the way. Yeah, me too, except for when they're my blanket. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah, me too, except for when they're my blanket. Okay. Yeah. Andy, we have three words from a listener. But these... I love that. These words today are words that we basically did recently. Okay. Okay.

But this is on purpose because I got an email saying that we did it wrong. Oh. And so I want you, I want you to get it right this time. Okay. Um, perspacacy. So they're from Timothy. Timothy, I just want to say sorry. Hi Timothy and I'm really sorry.

Is the first word perspacacity? No. It's five. Okay. Oh. Is it sketch ideas? Five sketch ideas. That's what the other one was. But we did it wrong. The second word I got slightly wrong.

So it's not sketch. No. Not quite. Skit? Is it five skit ideas? No Not quite Skit is that five skit ideas incorrect. It's five sketchy. Oh Very good very good What is a sketchy is such a great word. It feels very Australian, doesn't it?

It does, yeah. I assume that it is an Australianism for something to be sketchy. It's like... It's a bit dodgy. It's a bit dodgy. It's like there's probably a bit of criminal light criminal behavior going on. Yeah, like if you if you were in a park and You're walking around at night and you saw a drug deal Happening really close by you'd be like oh Jesus is

Looking pretty sketchy. Yeah, but you know a guy can be a bit sketchy Yeah, I can be a bit sketchy as a little bit little bit dangerous. Not yeah. Not too scary. But there's potential for things to go wrong. There's potential for unpredictability. Yes. That you know, maybe violence, maybe criminal activity maybe just something bad might happen. Feels sketchy. So if I sketchy, I think that you would normally try and avoid sketchiness. Yeah, but also sometimes it gives a place character. Yeah, well sometimes you need to interact with the sketchy world, the sketchy

economy. The sketchy economy. Surround us to a certain extent. Of course. Yeah, I've never bought drugs. No. I'm not sure if I have either. Oh, no I have. You must have, Alistair. No, but during the times when I may have part taken, I was very poor in a uni. And so, you know, I never bought, I don't, yeah, I didn't frequently buy it from directly from a source. There was always like handing my friends money after they bought it.

Yeah. So it felt like it was more paying someone back. And then there were sometimes where I just couldn't even afford to pay someone back, but they knew that going in. Yeah, right. And you paid them with, you know, Yeah, that's what you tell yourself, you know, that my friendship is somehow worth this real money

that they're paying. Exactly. So sketchy ideas smell. So some sketchy ideas, smell. So some sketchy ideas include? I guess it could be like an advertising firm, where suddenly everybody on staff has become addicted to ice. And suddenly their ideas start getting this, their campaigns start getting this edge. But they're really good at selling them at the pitch because, because of, you know, the

ice is really motivating them. So they're super enthusiastic. Yeah. But the ideas seem to be getting bigger and a more elaborate. And, uh, yeah, I mean, I don't have an exactam. An example. No, no. All right. I mean, I always set up. I thought we'd get a real. Yep. You go.

Now we get a real barracuda and release it in the mall. Yeah. and release it in the mall. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. I like it. A lot of Bob Dylan's good music was recorded in a period of time, producing a period of time. When he was really changing things, when he was on a lot of time, produced in a period of time, well, you know, when he was really changing things, when he was on a lot of amphetamines.

And yeah, I mean, I'd like to see this from an advertising firm. It's, you know, that's a real phenomenon. Like are they actually filming it in any way, or is it just a thing that happens? Well, like a stuff. I mean, once it makes, once it makes the news, you know, they now you've got, now you've got eyeballs. Right. And so now you can, you know, you can come out and say it was our firm. We were advertising the local barbecue place. Oh, yeah. Laws and gins. Yeah. Yeah, that's the name of the barbecue place.

It's called Laws and Gins. Yeah, that's right. And then it could say, well, or it could be a way of saying, well, some people came in and took, we had some, you know, like a large fish Wrangler come in and evacuate the, take, not evacuate the fish, give it an enema in the mall there, although that would attract, attract even more attention, but then took it and unfortunately it didn't survive,

but luckily the meat from the fish was still able to be barbecued at what was the name of the place? to be barbecued at what was the name of the place? Losenges. At Losenges, barbecue, Emporium. You see? And so there. It's just a bit of night of advertising. You've got some very native advertising in there. And it's all thanks to meth andphetamines.

Yeah, it's really exciting. meth and fedamines. Yeah, it's really exciting. Methamphetamines is the name of the advertising company. Because this is what they're, they can undercut any competition and they promise that they'll give you five ideas for the price of one and get that campaign going. It's really good. You see compared to other advertising firms because they can come up with so many ideas due to the methane fedamine. I also had an idea out there for a website called Sketch C.

the analyst there for a website called Sketch C, right? And it's like Etsy, but it's sketchy, right? So it sort of combines a little bit of a silk road, you can go there and buy drugs, right? But it's very cutesy, okay? And everything's, you know, all the drugs are, all displayed on a nice like doily or something like that. Yeah. And there's a little story about how they made the drugs, who made the drugs.

That's nice. Yeah, it's sort of cottage industry. And it allows, I guess, you know, what it allows is it allows a drug producer to sell directly to a drug consumer, cutting out the middle man and that sort of thing and ensuring that a lot of the profits go directly to the hard working drug maker. Yeah, from tub to plate. You know, from the tub to plate movement or the toilet ball to plate movement. Toilet ball to mirror. Toilet ball to mirror movement. So what's that what's it called sketch C? Sketch C. Yeah.

Sketch rolls off the tongue. It's as easy to say as it is to is it as it isn't to track the exact I mean yeah the the thing is that it does, I guess, probably makes it a lot easier for the police to track the producers of the drugs, but there's so many now, small producers, small home producers that it's harder. But they don't have to tell you where they live exactly. That's true. That's true. You're right.

They don't have to give up their information. But I, you know, you do want to know the story as well of the person behind the drugs. I know. I do. Yeah. And I think we have our sketch ideas for the day. We got there. We got there together. Everybody. we bonded for the first time. We have yoga for empowering the patriarchy, allows you to open up your hips so you can man-spread wider. For example, then there's of course the stationary congal line. The congal line was never meant to move. I think if this is going the other way and we know that Congoline to move but we're trying to prove that it's you know find out whether it's possible for a Tavastationary Congoline. I love that. I love that it's you know whoever makes it first mix defines it. Right now it's just a probability cloud of sketches. uh, shirt off, face off, but... T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T- Then it's the you can't say anything anymore horror film

Mmm beasts that attack you when you're when you say the wrong things Like that, you know something that's not politically correct That's right Bonding agent man helps you to become closer to friends. I know it's that's really dumb There's a lot of really dumb ones in the last bit near Little guys as as a bonding agent friends. I know that's really dumb. There's a lot of really dumb ones in the last bit near little guys as a bonding agent. It's not the bonding agent from the previous thing. These are actually, they start out as just a thing for holding paper together. But then eventually they become just a, you know, an all-purpose material for anything, for all kinds of building.

Then we have the sketchy ideas, meth ad agency, which again, I'm sure you're surprised they even wrote down. And then we got sketch C, which is toilet bowl, it's part of the toilet bowl to mirror drug movement. Now I think that your, no, your meth amphetamine advertising agency, I mean, while, you know, in some ways probably being just too close to reality, I think that has potential to be a really funny sketch, you know. Well, here's open. Here's open.

In the hands of the right actors, that would be hilarious. Yeah. Doesn't matter so much the writing. No, let's just put it in the hands of an actor. Maybe don't even use actors. Use real meth addicts. Exactly. Do you think that would be okay?

Yeah. Yeah, do you think it would be quicker to teach meth addicts advertising or get advertising executives addicted to methods. That feels like a really good reality TV show. Yeah. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh We like that. We like to eat that. We really like that. We appreciate it so much. Thank you for coming. We had to cancel teleport for the French festival because that is not happening. We're not going to be able to even record it before the French.

We are on Twitter. You can find me at Alistair TV. You can find Andy. It's too little to Andy. You can find us both at Two in Tank. I'm also on Instagram at A Trump, later virtual, we're also at two in tank there, I haven't posted a lot there for ages, and you can support us on Patreon if you like. That's right. My goodness, but also, I just really most of all, we hope that you just live

a nice life and do things that you enjoy. That's right. And I hope you find some time for yourself, but also I hope you find some time for others. That's right. And amongst that, a time where you're not even worrying about what you're doing. Yeah. True, true, true emptiness, true nothingness. Yeah. And we... So, we'll wrap this up now. We love you. You. Thank you. You do. Are you working way too hard for way too little?

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