Simple Swedish Podcast - 307 - "ANTI GLOVERS"

Episode Date: October 6, 2021

Shit myself crying, Crying Solids for the Boys, Objectively Deprived, Fried Cookies and Onions, Mermaid Shopping List, Poison Balls, Anti Gloves, Rubber Pants and Magnet SexYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastJoin the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereTwice-smoked thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Cack, cack, cackin' myself. Cack, cack, cackin' myself. Cackin' myself all the way to town. I'm cackin' about that fun, fun frown. Oh, what's that guy in the house? He's my favourite friend. So, cacking yourself, right, it does mean to shit yourself. And it also means to laugh a lot? I think so, yeah. Is that the idea? Yeah. That's the concept behind that word yeah but now i assume those um words have you know it's not a coincidence that it has

those two meanings i assume that it's when you say i cacked myself laughing you're basically saying i i laughed so much that i that i did a shit yeah Yeah, I think cacking yourself in the end, like the act of actually pooping within... Cacking one's dacks. Yeah, cacking one's dacks is just an expression of extreme emotion. And it doesn't really matter what that emotion is. It's just the upper edge of that emotion. It can be fear.

It can be joy and laughter it can be sadness you know something really bad happens to you you cry and eventually if you cry hard enough well okay this is this is very interesting because nobody ever nobody ever talks about crying in that context nobody talks about pissing themselves crying or shitting themselves crying yeah but i think we should bring it in yeah because at the moment cry andy before before you keep going may i just go hi this is two in the think tank the podcast where we come up with five sketch ideas i'm alistair trump george william trumbly britchell and that's andy matthews okay continue yeah hello yes and that's me and but but i think i think because crying already involves the release of a bodily fluid nobody feels the need to heighten it and I think you'll find that anything that is a physical reaction that involves something coming out of the body, people tend to assume that's already been heightened as far as it can go. Nobody ever says, I was shitting myself coming last night, right?

You know? right you know but but i think it's time that we that we allowed ourselves to explore potential potentially greater extremes you know well the full the full spectrum of emotion i think now that men can expect which the full spectrum of emotion which goes all the way from pissing myself laughing down to shitting myself crying. That's the true, those are the true error bars or, you know, that's, yeah, that is the spectrum, the true spectrum. I mean, there was, it wasn't that long ago that men were afraid to be seen to cry right just to cry just the natural emotion of being sad and having a bit of liquid coming out of your eyes right a thing that our body is has evolved to be able to do presumably for very good reasons yeah exactly so um So, of course, right now, we feel embarrassed to cry in public to the point where we shit ourselves, right?

But just understand that that is toxic masculinity that is making us feel like that. That we only don't do that because we fear that men will laugh at us or hurt us, you know, call us weak. Yes, yes, yes. Absolutely. So now I'm going to be at the forefront of this and I will find a public setting in which to do it. Well, I think to shit yourself while crying i think that's also i think that's a man cry i think that's a kind of crying that so you're saying it's actually less vulnerable i think i think it's a real alpha cry no you know i think of a shit as a big solid butt tear and okay how about this

it's you cry until solid comes out of your tears a little little eye little eye poops yeah but like it's got to be those golden ones that you wake up with oh yeah you're like a long stream of those starts flowing out now that's a hard cry and rattling on the ground on the on the cold hard ground well just land on your shirt farmer to do during it during it during a uh a drought won't be cold it'll be the the baking the um the baking earth and your your your dry tears fall like not rain yeah and even then nothing will grow like like little granules of salt onto your onto your breakfast yeah i mean that would be a really that would be a really manly thing to do would be to to be able to cry pure salt onto your um bacon onto your your bacon and egg muffin on the way to the building site in the morning

so you're you're using it like as a new source of salt i'm i'm picturing it creates those eye boogers yeah yeah no that's true. But I think they are quite salty. I've never eaten them, but... But I could imagine. I guess it's salty. It's linked to all the salt stuff. Like I told you about those.

Like I saw an interview with some Amazonian tribesmen from some near uncontacted tribe, but then they were being interviewed on camera. Yeah, okay, that's a whiplash. They were talking to the camera and saying that they had encountered one Western woman or one whatever like that. And that the guy was saying that he had, I guess, had intercourse with her or gone down on her and said that it was very salty. And it made me think about, I guess, we don't realize how in the Western world, how salty we are. This is a really, this is a fascinating, I mean, if this documentary exists and you didn't just dream it alistair this is a fascinating thing that that you know this tribe has contacted has has encountered one

western woman and you're on down on her that was i mean what a what a power move what a i know but i i don't think it's like i don't think it's just like that's the first thing they did i think you know it's it was probably some like anthropology student who was like sure you know going there with a professor or something like that and then one thing they all they all just wanted to study the tribes and the tribe was like yeah come and study us yeah and we'll all have sex with you guys. You know, like the professor's like, yeah, you go there and like the women are really into you because, you know, there's only like, you know, 35 people in the tribe. So, it's like this is really fresh meat for everybody.

Well, actually, it turns out it's salted meat. Yeah. This is really preserved meat for everybody. I mean, this is all, there's a lot going on here. That's quite potentially, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Politically, there could be some things happening.

Yeah. But I'm, well, I'm interested in it. And I think that one of the reasons to keep discovering um as yet undiscovered tribes is so that when they do go down on us we can get a truly objective read on how salty our genitals are because i think that's something that we lose sight of probably in in our society where there's not a lot of objectivity and it'd be great to have an outsider eye slash tongue yeah well i imagine you could probably get that with you know how like you know how like sometimes vegans or something like that are having a broth or soup or something like that at a at. And they're like... And it's so disappointing.

And they're like, no, no, no. But they go, oh, I think there's meat in this. You know, they're like, oh, my stomach. Oh, my body's not used to it. That kind of thing. I think it's usually like, it genuinely is. This is a bit, this is a little, speaking as a vegetarian who has been a vegan for a short time, this is too enjoyable.

Yeah. This is tainted. This is too delicious. It feels like there must be animal fat in here or something like that. Yeah. You can't get anything this flavoursome, this full of flavour without suffering you know 90 of flavor is suffering i've always said it yeah yeah yeah so um but you could if you wanted to find out i guess how either your genitals or any part of your body really tastes um you could get people who don't have that thing

but used to you know or don't have very much of it. So, somebody who's gone off sugar, somebody who's gone off salt, right? Maybe you could just give them each a finger, right? And this is just an experiment, right? You got somebody who's gone off caffeine, someone who's gone off booze, someone who's gone off salt, someone who's gone off sugar and someone who is is laying off the onions right yeah and you get them all to lick your vagina and you've got them around well let's just i'm just giving them my fingers to give you a read on how much caffeine how coffee like it is is that what you're telling me alistair yeah and so then they're going um because i think also when

you live in the amazon i I've watched nature documentaries, like one of the only reasons, uh, like a sloth will climb down from the trees is to go like lick some clay, some wet clay that has salt in it. Yeah. So you can understand people who live in the Amazon are probably tuned to looking for good sources of salt.

Yeah. I would say, I would say that's probably that's probably what started this whole scenario in the first place yeah but so you think and then you got all these people who are who are depriving themselves of caffeine and onions and things like that. And so if you put your finger in their mouth, right? And you have been consuming these things, they're straight away. That's going to trigger all those things that made them feel like they needed to quit because they had such a bad relationship with that thing that they wanted more and more and more all the time.

Yeah. They couldn't stop. Even when they weren't enjoying it anymore, they were like, now, three, four onions tonight, you know? Yeah. And so when you put your thumb in that person's mouth... It's the fourth onion that really tips you over the edge, really fucks you up.

And it starts coming out your pores and shit like that. And there's no hiding it from your workmates, especially in these open open uh open plan offices you really need to go back to the old the old single office thing with its own extract fan i think a little a nice little desk onion a little nice little round little desk cooker that'll cook you an onion there at your desk like one of those frying up frying up some onions you know how when you um you know if you want to sell a house apparently if you fry up some onions or maybe it's baked cookies i can't remember but let's say it's

fry up some onions fry up some cookies before the before sure some cookies and onions before the inspection and onions. Before the inspection. Ben and Jerry's. Did you hear that? That's a new ice cream flavor. The thing about this, just chop up some chocolate chip cookies. Okay.

Wait, first fry it. Fry up an onion. Right. Fry up. Just get that thing sautéing. You got to fry the onion first. And then while that's frying, while that's cooking off,

just chop up some chocolate chip cookies and then just add that to the fried onion. Look, if the onion's fried, I'm not sure about this, but if you've got that onion caramelized, I can see how this could actually be really good. There's a real transition. When the onion kicks over to caramelized, you're in a whole different flavor zone. You know, you're not in Kansas flavor anymore. You're in somewhere else, somewhere over the... I'm not going to finish this. Sort of Tennessee or something like that, or Wyoming.

Yeah, that's it. Have we written down a single sketch idea yet? Is Kansas the state or the city? Really good question. Great question. I'll get back to you. I'll take that on notice. Okay, no worries.

I don't think anyone knows. But we hope one day to find out. Yeah. Look, Andy, I've written down some things. A lot of them are on, you know, there are new modern take on what a sketch is. That was season three, baby. Yeah, season three. By the way, can I just promote, Jack Truce has been doing sketches.

Jack Truce, who appears on this podcast on occasion. Great guest. One of our favorite comedians in Melbourne, if not the world. Absolutely. And Jack does some sketches that he posts up on his Twitter and his YouTube. You should go check those out. It's probably usually at Jack Truce, but there could be other stuff like that, right?

Other stuff added to it that would maybe change it. But anyway, and there was one about a review of the movie Mrs. Doubtfire that was one of my favorite sketches I've seen in quite a long while. Did you see that one? Oh, that's really good. I don't remember if i did see that one but i have been really enjoying a lot of jack's content and it's great he's just putting stuff out a lot he's making things happen he's a hard working he's a proper funny guy proper he's a real comedian and you should all follow his shit. Yeah, it is at Jack Truce.

While we're doing plugs of things, I'd like to plug that I went on Lisa Dibb's podcast, Reanimates, where she talks about the movies of Jeffrey Combs. Alistair and I did an episode, and then I went on there and did another episode about the movie Abominable. And it's a bit of fun. I think my energy was a little bit wrong. I might have come in a bit strong.

Well, I also just recorded an episode for the second time because we recorded one episode, then my audio was really bad, and then her audio was really bad. and then we recorded that same episode again so that should be coming out soon so really i think you guys should start monitoring the reanimates pod feed feed was how was your energy when you did the podcast do you think i think it was right i think second one was good i think second one was good since i uh since i have stopped drinking so so so heavily um i've noticed energy come up in my brain functioning a little bit better that's awesome yeah but you know what people's fingers taste a

lot like booze that i've been noticing a lot noticing. You're licking a lot of fingers. Well, you know, I do, because I have someone, a baby, who's about one years old, and I put his whole hand in my mouth, and I don't know if he's been getting into the booze. He's getting into the whiskey. I think Alistair,

you know, we come up with a lot of restaurants on this show but I think an ethical way for vegans to consume meat would be to lick the fingers of people who have just consumed meat. I don't see a reason why you couldn't have a restaurant um you know say a mongolian barbecue yeah right with a with a lot of meaty meaty stuff going on a lot of people eating with their hands maybe mongolian beef mongolian lamb all the dishes mongolian chicken yeah exactly and i think you know there you have some vegans scuttling around on the floor. There should be a hole in the table that you put your hand through.

And some vegans can just go at your hands. Exactly. When the vegans arrive, the waiter goes, follow me. And they lift up the tablecloth on the table. And then they sit you underneath on some pillows in the middle of the table and then they sit another family or you know a bunch of people around the table after that and you sit there and you've got bread and butter or whatever you know underneath the table while you wait butter probably if you're a vegan but uh you know margarine not a lex not a lex yeah you don't see as much margarine

in Australia well maybe you do I forgot I retract that I reckon Nuttle X probably is just margarine isn't it right but it tastes so much like butter but it just doesn't call itself that well does it I think it does pretty good

but I've just gone back to butter and butter is just so good butter is just so good Butter is incredible I don't know why we ever fucked around with You know what Did I tell you about this spaghetti recipe I found It's just like It's just two cans of tomatoes

You halve an onion Pop that in there Just two halves And you put in I think five tablespoons of butter And you just cook that for you just cook that for you know 45 minutes and then you take the onions out whoa and it's just a silky just a silky tomato sauce that you just have with pasta whoa that sounds incredible. Brown onions? Red onions? Don't care. I use brown.

Whenever I'm in town, I use brown. Yeah, right. Are you skinning them? Eh? You're taking the skin off? Yeah, I take the skin off. Yeah, I take the skin off. Apologies, I didn't say that.

Right, but you are just slicing them in half. Just in half. And they stay together enough over this cooking process so you'd be able to get them out relatively easily Oh yeah, just use some tongs Or two forks I like this It's infusion You're infusing

It's this lady who introduced Or changed Italian cooking in America Apparently, and this is what they consider Her opus Wow Yeah It's a beautiful simple opus isn't it it's a simple opus now let's let's create our own cooking opus i mean obviously there's cookies and onions it's this opus okay he's a guy he's a chef he's just passed away this is the sketch right he's just passed away right yeah uh he was you know he's probably

a guest on some cooking shows you know he would come in for challenges and various things like that but his opus his his meal that he was famous for was fried cookies and onion and then you have a bunch of talking heads describing um oh just you know let me remember how it was what was the recipe it was just onions fried up and then roughly chopped chocolate chip cookies and then he would play that and you say and you would say to him what is this and he'd say fried cookies and onions like i told you before the meal now now alistair yeah uh there's a bunch of talking heads doesn't sound like there's a lot to say i know but that's what

that's what i like about it is that there isn't enough to say sure you know so so it's just people trying to rephrase he actually it was his opus it was probably his only recipe yeah you know he and then he released a book fried cookies and onion and then he just and then he would he would sometimes just chop other cookies up right he was kind of he was kind of the chef who didn't make it but all the other chefs loved him and so they would occasionally bring him on their show yeah he's a chef's chef a lot of the a lot of the punters find his stuff inedible but they get a lot out of it when chefs go there you go you go to a he has this tiny shop

you go there there's four five six tables every. Every single patron is a hatted, you know, is a Michelin star chef. And they're there. They're humble before him as he slams these because he serves it just in the fry pan as well. He slams the hot fry pan down in front of them. Thank you, chef. Thank you, chef. Each customer gets their own fry pan. Yeah. I love that. He doesn't wash the fry pans or anything like that. The cutlery's filthy. You eat it off a spatula.

I keep almost calling you Martinin how weird is that but uh alistair i had another idea oh yeah so i don't know if this is a sketch but this it feels like this is if there's if it's not a sketch this feels like this is the place to bring it up um do you know the album mermaid avenue right i have no idea what it is what is it an album okay photos uh it's an album of music by um billy bragg and wilco but they're doing um woody guthrie songs right but these are all old woody guthrie lyrics for which there was no melody or anything ever recorded so they he just when he died he had these boxes full of things that he'd written down, right? And his wife or daughter gave these boxes to Billy Bragg. He got Wilco involved, and together they made, in the end,

a series of three albums called Mermaid Avenue that used the lyrics and then give them melodies and turn them into songs. What about this? A chef. And all they have is these old shopping lists, boxes and boxes of shopping lists. And then they get the greatest chefs in the world to come along

to read those shopping lists and then turn those into a meal. So he would always do one shop for one meal well we i mean that's that's one of the flaws in this concept because there's also shit on there like you know washing washing powder but yeah did we both say the same thing yeah we did yeah yeah socks etc did we just say the same thing that time we didn't because i didn't say anything Yeah, we did. Yeah. Yeah. Socks, et cetera. Did we just say the same thing? That time we didn't because I didn't say anything. No.

Yeah, so. I don't know. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. But Andy, I think for the purity of the thing, I think that these chefs would acknowledge that this is a problem with it. these chefs would acknowledge that this is a problem with it, but they would say, but who are we to say that he didn't use these things? Exactly. Hadn't found a way to use it. It's like Fermat's last theorem, you know?

You just write some shit down in the margin of a book, right? You have a shopping list, has all this horrible stuff on it, and he's written a little note in the corner of the shopping list that says, I've found a way to cook this into the perfect meal. And then chefs for hundreds of years are always trying to use these ingredients to make the perfect meal because they believe that it must be possible. And then eventually a computer is able to do it. Is that what happened with Fermat's last theorem?

I think in the end it was solved in a – yeah, I think they had to do it using computers in some very elaborate and not very neat way. Fermat had written, I found a very neat proof of this. People now think he probably didn't actually find a neat proof of it. He just thought he had because the best mathematicians worked on it for hundreds of years and couldn't find a neat proof of it. There's a very, very, very ugly proof of Fermat's last theorem. I mean, that's really interesting.

It makes you go, look, I mean, why would he write that down if he had done very well? I think we might have talked about this on the podcast in the past, maybe. But a great thing to do would just be to go down to the library and just go through writing notes in the margins of all sorts of books. I found a very neat... I found a really great proof of this, Andy Matthews. And then, down the track, everyone will be racking their brains trying to work it out,

and they'll be calling it Andy Matthews' theorem, even though it had to be worked out by somebody else. It's like tagging something, you know? Yeah, I mean, especially all those important people that go down to the library and flip through those books. We could, yeah, I, wait, I just have to, homage, homage is with an H, right? Okay. Homage cooking recipes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh yeah. Cause that's what I was gonna say about that cooker. You know, nothing is just bad for you in itself, right? There's certain amounts that your body can handle. That's right. Right? So, shopping, like cleaning powder, washing powder for your clothes, if it was so bad for you, you wouldn't have it on your clothes. Because you'd breathe in some of the you know thing so there must be a certain amount that you can handle which means

that there's a certain amount you can use to flavor your each meal and that's why and it also means that for there are so many different types of poisons in the world, right? That they all have, you know, and they would all have a safe level of human consumption, even if it's incredibly low. And what we just need to do is we need to get the safe, that really incredibly small safe amount, get a little sample that is a survivable dose of every single poison in the world, mix it all together until it reaches a macroscopic quantity, right? And then you roll it into a protein ball or whatever. And then that's a ball of pure poison. Pure poison. That you can survive.

That you can survive. You can eat. You can be there there eating pure poison but it's all different poisons and none of them's quite enough to kill you and i reckon and hopefully their combined effect also also isn't enough to kill you somehow well we'd have to work that out we'd have to work that out that's our guarantee yeah absolutely barring underlying conditions obviously. Our guarantee is that you can have pure poison and not die, most likely. Most likely. But definitely do not have more than

one of these balls. And they are very Moorish. Alright, I'm writing down the poison balls. Thanks Alistair. I love that. That's probably the best sketch. Poison ball company. Thanks, Alistair. I love that. That's probably the clearest sketch idea.

Oh, God, that speaks volumes for all the other sketch ideas that we've come up with today, Alistair. But while we were saying that, it made me think of something else. That about the little protein ball of poison. No, I can't recall. But that's fine. That's all right. Andy, we probably have five ideas here.

Yeah, sure. Such as they are, let's go to some words from a listener. Okay, words from a listener okay words from a listener well andy today's listeners um they love hearing sketch ideas and oh that's great you know and so we provide that by providing obviously the five sketch ideas that we come up with but then we also give an opportunity to the listener to submit some words by joining our patreon and then we take those words and we turn it into a sketch idea or sometimes two i've heard about this yeah and today's listener is erling rainstead erving rangstead erling hello erling erstad. Andy. I enjoy your name. Thank you. Even if I can't say it. Yeah. Now, Andy, today we have three words and they're doozies. But I can't tell you any more information about them. You got to guess what the words are. Would you like to do that? about them um you gotta guess what the words are would you like to do that do you think a doozy it's called a doozy because of course the french word for 12 is do's do you think that it's

something as it becomes a doozy if it if you would otherwise rate it as 12 on a scale from 1 to 10 that's a real doozy as from from a on a scale from 1 to 10 that's's a real doozy. On a scale from 1 to 10, that's a real doozy. Yeah. Yeah, look, I mean, that feels like the closest thing to an explanation of it. Great. Let's start a speculative etymology podcast. Yeah, I think that's nice. And then we can just – it's just something that angers etymologists

that's right regular etymologists who just write in yeah ah we're gonna have a hate lesson trolling every episode is a hate lesson i mean i think that's a good idea for a podcast yeah every episode is a hate lesson yeah every episode we pick a different profession and we just get things wrong about it and then they can they can tune in to get a good rage on well i mean maybe the way that you would do that is you would do it um so that it's like an info for people finishing high school about, you know, it's like a careers, a careers podcast for people, you know, joining the workforce. And each episode talks about what it's like to work in that in each separate field. What is it like the day, you know, the day in the life of a dramaturge, a day in the life of a chief executive, the day in the life of, you know, a masseuse.

Like that. And then we discuss it. We describe it. Yeah, we discuss it. We're both, both have done it for 30 years. And we describe what each day is. Every day is different that's what i like about it

uh i agree i i just i feel like that's what something somebody says almost every every job they do i mean not every person does that says that but a lot of them don't back down alistair stick to your guns yeah no but every single person says that yeah well every day is different that's what i long about it yeah i'm trying to i'm trying to think of what is the best example of in which somebody would say that. Well, it's just like builders or somebody who's like a... Yeah. You know, they... No, but I want somebody who's...

They're clearly wrong, right? Yeah. Like down at the sock factory or something. There's always something going wrong at the sock factory. You never know. You never know what each day will bring. Socks again! Yeah, I reckon a rubber glove factory would be very similar every day.

But then again, you don't... I think a rubber glove factory would be a very funny place to work. Because inflating a rubber glove, one of the funniest things you can do, pretending it's your udders or something like that, and you're a big cow. Oh yeah, that bit. That would keep everybody rolling for the whole 25 years they worked there. do pretending it's your udders or something like that and you're a big cow oh yeah that bit that would keep everybody rolling for the whole 25 years they work there um because i mean there'd

also be lots of you never have to worry about morale at the rubber glove factory and because there's so many hands flying up like especially like there probably would have to be hand molds on conveyor belts of some sort on big tracks i've seen a video of how this is made and you're exactly right and so think of all of the wacky high-fiving you could do you just stand there at the end of the conveyor belt high-fiving each one as it comes off you'd be riding craig has contaminated the the hands again no it's okay he'd be wearing a glove oh of course they'd be they'd be so plentiful um do you think that there's there's anti-glovers you know there's anti-maskers yeah people are like you know people who are like working in

in subway or whatever who are like i'm not wearing a glove that's that's actually so viscerally fucked and horrible i hate i hate hearing that i'm not having my hands muzzled god didn't what Your hand will dry out and die. I knew someone whose hand fell off because it didn't get enough oxygen from wearing a glove. His fingers wrinkled until his whole hand went thin, like a fin, because it was so wet all the time.

And the guy became a dolphin, or at least part dolphin. Okay. You know, it'd be really... Yep, no, you go. No, tell me. No, I had nothing. No, well, I was just thinking of like, you know, the latex.

I mean, this would probably be a thing for people from a sexual perspective, but like a latex rubber glove, but it's like a full pair of pants that goes over your toes and your feet and you get them out of a box like you get rubber gloves but it's like

it's basically latex rubber pants with individual little toe finger things in them and you pull them all the way up to your waist. Instead of a condom? Okay. Again, I wasn't thinking of it in a sexual way at all, right? But I was just thinking that you could put this on before you go into work or whatever.

Maybe you do a lot of stuff with your feet at work or maybe you just want to be stuff with your feet at work. Or maybe you just want to be extra safe from germs. Yeah. Pull on your latex rubber pants. The idea of getting undressed after a date with your newly beloved. Yes, your potential. Your potential. Maybe belusted.

Your pre-loved. Your pre-loved maybe belusted. You're pre-loved. You're pre-loved, currently lusted. And you both stand in front of each other, get completely nude, and then you get out a his and her boxes of

rubber pants. And then you sort of pull up your sort of powdered rubber trousers you know they're powdered on the inside and and then you sort of you know the guy's kind of tucking his junk into the right bits of the thing and the lady's sort of pushing it up sort of into the the right areas oh yeah hers yeah. Hers up like that. And then you go, shall we?

And then you get down onto the bed and then you begin. Yeah. I think that I could sell this to religious communities. Absolutely. As it's still technically abstinence in some way. Oh, yeah. I think also there's a way that we could invent some kind of um magnetically powered

sexual device that allows two people to have penetrative sex in any way that they want but because there's no physical contact and it's all somehow done with magnets it's it's it's okay in God's eyes so like like opposing poles no no no same repels same yeah well I think you'd need to have alternating sort of electromagnetic things to allow you to pull in and out but I think we'd be able

to do it like you know like a levitating train in Japan yeah I think that maybe because it to do it like, you know, like a levitating train in Japan. Yeah, I think that maybe, because it's like when you push two magnets together, your hands really feel that force. Right? So, if you put the magnets strategically, like, you know, like maybe you had sort of a magnet net, you know or like kind of it looks a little bit like um a little bit like one of those suits that they wear for digital sure covered in those ping pong balls yeah but they're magnets that are facing all in the in one direction and the same thing for uh the lady but kind of you know on the outside and then a little bit on the inside and or you know maybe they also kind of wear like a circular obviously we're just talking

about penetrative sex here but there's a circular big magnet kind of thing um and then as you move close to each other they'll be repelling but then that will create pressures you will feel those forces and you never need to touch you know it's drier than dry humping yeah you know you couldn't i mean you could be on you could be on opposite sides of a wall you know if the magnets were strong enough absolutely yeah you could on opposite sides of a table like you know that trick where you have a magnet underneath and then you move like a fork on the top yeah you do it with yeah so so this is either side of a table sex it could even be you could be on different bunks

that's a powerful magnet nobody better walk into the room with a pacemaker While you're going at it I just was wondering If you could help me refill this stapler Oh no The box of stapler Genitals A box of

Loose fencing staples That you walk into the Into the room with. Yeah. Well, that would be one of the disclaimers on the product safety statement. Do not

use this in the presence of loose fencing staples. We will not be liable for any injuries that are incurred. And then, of course, the government makes you put a big image of somebody's genitals covered in staples with all these gashes on it and things like that with a big warning in black and white. It looks like you've been attacked by really horny vampires use magnets we just made

made love at a hardware store use in a rural supplies closet genital magnets at your own peril you need to do it in like one of those one of those plastic prisons where they keep Magneto. Yeah. But it's worth it to win God's love. I suppose you could. We look up, the camera pans up to the corner, we see God up there in the corner, looking down and smiling and nodding.

You did it. This is what I intended. I think we also, I think we, I think that's a concept we came up with. I mean, yeah, it is like they finally cracked it.

This is what I wanted them to do the whole time. I think they would have to be electromagnets and you have like a battery pack on your, strapped to your back. Yeah. Yeah, it would be. And then if you had goggles that allow you to see God,'s what that's the other bit that would be great that's the other thing we've invented is goggles that allow you to see god but personally we're excited about this magnet

technology and he's giving you a thumbs up. I'm pretty sure we came up with something in the past that was God or Jesus is watching you make love. I can't remember. A long time ago, we went down the same path. time ago we went down the same path okay i love the pitch meeting where the person is really focusing on wait but you came you made goggles that allow you to see god yes and anyway the magnets go like this around your penis

but so the goggles will come free when you get the magnets the magnet net that goes over your genitals and around your genitals. All right, well, if you're ready to guess these three words by Erling Reinstag. Yeah, yeah, I am. Legitimize. I just want you to remember that they're doozies. do you want to try and guess the first one legitimize legitimize yeah i i don't even know how you would think that that's a doozy but i guess it's long maybe that's how um andy no that's not it at all. The first word is abortion.

Oh, okay. Okay. I want you to know the other two are doozies. So, do you want to try and guess the second word? Adjacent? Andy, in what way is that a doozy? Indy, in what way is that a doozy? Well, I think in the context of the first word, it could set us up for a real extra doozy doozy in there. Sure.

Okay, well, the second word is genocide. Okay, all right. Then the third word is going to be inconvenience. Close, Andy. Racism. Yes. Ah, well, I think it is inconvenient. It is inconvenient. I don't talk about it.

Things that are appalling are also inconvenient. Also inconvenient. Just because something is an extreme doesn't mean that along the way to becoming an extreme, it didn't also cross over many much milder categorizations as well. It's an inclusive statement. And something that is very destructive to both a person's well-being and society as a whole is overall an inconvenience yes i mean in its purest form and you know racists love things being in their purest form so yes that's true they'd agree i think they'd agree with us. Oh, that's right. As long as we've got them on board, I'm happy. I hope my final, my dying words are, well, this is inconvenient. Yeah.

I think, you know. Oh, I hate dying. I hate the idea of dying in a big group due to my race at an early time before birth. Hang on. Oh, you're talking about, okay, you've combined all of the words together. Yeah. Yeah. So those are all biggies they're you're you're absolutely right

that they they fit the um the bill as being as being real doozies yeah now so do you think the good samaritan i don't know if the samaritans are still around right yeah i don't know are they around i don't know but there must be there would be traces of samaritans maybe in a lot of people um but that story right and i don't know if i brought talked about this on the pod but the story of a guy who i guess it seemed like the people in the bible didn't like the samaritans they thought that they were a either a culture or a race of people who everyone seemed to agree were generally shit yeah yeah right that's it and then so this is basically a story of someone going well but this one's all right like they've had a personal experience with a with a samaritan and they go this is one of the

good ones and look at the way that this one despite all these ones being shit and everybody else ignoring this person who needs help um a samaritan of all people. Of all people. And you know that they're awful. Like who is this person to say that this Samaritan is like so good? Like who is this person who's great at judging what is good and not good when they just outright hate Samaritans just for being Samaritans. I think this person is Jesus. Yeah. I think, but I think, you know, I think let's give Jesus the benefit of the doubt and I'm

willing to go out on a limb and do that just this once and say that I think that was broadly his point, right, in the story, is not that Samaritans are the worst and there was one good one one time. Yeah. But to encourage people to re-examine their prejudi. Yeah. And to be like, well, you know. So, Alistair, where were you going with that in the context of these three words did you have a uh well i was just trying to find you know something that might be

um i was just thinking that maybe we should uh both abort genocide and be racist towards jesus um but maybe maybe that doesn't seem as nice as it i mean this is fairly this is fairly grim right but what do you say about you know at the moment there this is very grim in fact at the moment there are genetic tests that you can do before your baby is born to determine whether or not it is going to have you know severe congenital diseases hang on can you hold on to that idea for a second i just want to say it's a campaign it's a campaign to try to stop a lot of bad things like this and the marketers that you know the the idea that you know the creatives behind this thing thought well why don't we use the language of these crimes in order to get the message across?

So, we need to abortion genocide before it starts. genocide before it starts we need to use racism against genociders we need to you know who i'm racist towards genociders yeah um people who i mean i don't have a problem with abortion um but i yeah i think i think that you know if we what if what would we do if we did discover a race of people who we need to genocide racists oh that's a bit gross genociders yeah right that was that was that was their really their only defining characteristic genociders yeah i think you kind of get rid of a lot of your sort of your more quirky attributes when you genocide you kind of they they go fall by the wayside a little bit yeah you're right a lot of stuff gets overruled

i mean unless it gets yeah yeah unless they really analyze you and like like they do with hitler and then it's kind of you know then they get into stuff like andy was you know and he had weird sex stuff that's always what they come back to yeah and you kind of go okay don't kink shame hitler don't do it yeah when you do that you make us think it's okay to do it to each other but really you got to focus on the bit that is the really important bit the unforgivable days the which was the mustache yeah no the mustache yeah thank you well i was going to say that i let you take the bullet um uh so i'll say i was going anyway i just want to say i just want to clarify that i think it was the genocide that was bad yeah good thank you and uh i when they clip this

up they're definitely going to add that bit. I was just going to say that what if there were tests that they could do on your baby or, you know, on an unborn embryo or whatever, very early in a pregnancy. That would tell you whether or not it was going to be a Hitler. Or, you know, yeah, or a racist. know yeah or a racist a genocider a genocider um and would yeah no i mean i think then be terminations offered for for that this you know see this i told you this was no no i yeah yeah i mean look i i actually think that um the a doctor taking a couple through their test is a great is a great um i mean i think we would ignore the really sensitive stuff yeah yeah but what doing an ultrasound seeing a baby that has a little hitler mustache and is doing little hitler salutes even in the womb is i i don't need it to be hitler but like

because i feel like hitler's you know he's he's done to death and yeah but but like i think you could have fun with all the weird things. And then there could be occasionally, like, they do put the wand on the belly and then kind of show you different things. You go, look, look at him. Look at what he does. Look at that. He's doing the cha-cha.

I don't know why that would be a reason. But I think in the end it's probably is um you know because they'll say well you know he's got this gene uh is on which is active in 89 percent of genociders and they go oh ah but he's also got this gene on, which is switched on, which is, you know, people who just swallow the toothpaste when they brush their teeth. They go, oh, we think we're going to abort. Exactly. Yeah.

We'd find a lot of really funny examples. Yeah. I mean, I think I should have said, you know, this is absent in a lot of genociders. And they go, oh, that's really good. Oh, I'd love our kid to grow up to not be a genocider like that, you know. And they go, oh, a person who swallows the toothpaste. And they go, oh, yeah, I think we're going to abort. It's got to end with I think we're going to abort.

Jesus Christ. Look, I reckon we got it, it al i reckon that'll do i think okay great let's pull the plug on this all right well and let me take us through the sketch ideas these are the sketch ideas that we came up with today on the podcast i mean if you can call them that yeah well i can now i'm gonna call it now before i have any information that might cause me to question it locking it in we've got the first one is uh the idea shit myself crying. Yeah. So that's obviously the, we're, we're,

we're promoting that shitting yourself is not necessarily just something that happens when you're scared or need to shit. I think there's a, there's a funny sketch in this, in, in somebody who starts using the expression, I shit myself crying. Yeah.

It just didn't like, it's like, they think it's a normal thing that everybody does. They just drop it into conversation. And maybe, you know, maybe other things that they shit themselves doing other stuff where it's not normal to shit themselves. Well, you could just say, I was watching a car ad the other day with a bit of sad music. I absolutely shat myself crying. Yeah. bit of sad music i absolutely shat myself crying yeah and their friends start to like share looks and maybe someone takes them aside and says that's not an expression like nobody uses that

as an expression they're like oh i'm not using it as an expression it's a it's a thing that happens right that was everybody right yeah and then they right? And then they start to realize that they're the only one that it happens to, and they start to cry. And they're like, leave, leave the room. Everybody leave. Please, please get out. This is about to get really embarrassing for me. Yes.

I'm so glad you told me. Yeah. Then we have, of course, crying solid golden nuggets of sleep. Perfect. This is crying for men, maybe. Crying solids. You know, and I think it comes out like kind of strings of, like strings of Plato being pushed through one of those, you know, like a star.

Yeah. A star opening of a... Beautiful. I mean, I wonder what shape the tear duct is. You know, whether... Is it a round, do you think? I reckon you can get... You should be able to get little micro things

that you can insert in there that'll really... Get star-shaped tears. Yeah. You can get cube tears. Cube. That'd be cool. Little sugar cubes. You know, goats have squarish pupils, like rectangle pupils.

Yeah, I don't like that about the middle. They should have rectangle tears. That's right. that's right um then we got getting people uh who are deprived of stuff to taste what you have heaps of such a great sketch idea so letting you suck on your fingers it's so good well it's based off of that that tribe going down that lady and thinking she's salty. Yeah, right. I mean, maybe you could find out what you need more of in your diet. Whatever they don't detect. Yep.

You go, oh, I must be a little bit low on garlic in my body. Okay. You know, because some people are scared of needles. So they don't want to get their bloods done. And so you get a guy who's like, oh, I'm off vitamin A at the moment. You get him to suck on your finger. You know what this would be great for? What?

Like some sort of Theranos alternative. You know, remember Elizabeth Holmes and her Theranos thing that could test everything about your blood? We can do that, but it's just one guy who's given up a bunch of stuff and he can just suck on your finger and he can give you a complete diagnostic. That's how attuned he is. I'd love that.

Yeah, I'd love that. You've got to let him suck on your toes. But it is perfect. But it is perfect. He can tell you any disease you got by just sucking on your pinky toe. Or if you let him nibble a little bit on your big toe, he can actually fix some of your genetic... He can fix a lot of stuff, yeah. Fix a lot of stuff.

If you let him whack off while he's doing it, he can also give you $2,000. Yeah. It's incredible. It's medical. It's medical. It's medical stuff where you make money. It's very different.

It could actually pay off your other medical bills or even your power bills. It's very different. It could actually pay off your other medical bills, or even your power bills. Then we got, it's a film eulogy for a chef who came up with the idea of fried cookies and onions. And it wasn't popular with the people, with the masses, but chefs love it. It's very controversial. And it's his magnum opus.

It's actually the only recipes he's ever come up with. But he perfected it. He perfected it. He does it with a variety of cookies. No, he doesn't. No, he doesn't. Why would you bring that in? Why would you introduce that?

Because he wrote a book on it you can write a book about one recipe it's called a recipe book it's not a recipes book that's true you know his really is a recipe book and and so they and all it's got is he goes into detail about different ways that he cuts up the you know cuts up the cookies or sometimes he crushes them in his hands if they're not if they're not you know if they're dry enough things like that sometimes he just uses the crumbs at the bottom of a of a cookie packet or you know he just has a lot of we have to stop talking about this. Okay. Shopping.

Then we got shopping list homage, which is, these are another chef-based thing. This one's even better than the last one. They take the forgotten shopping list of a famous chef and they give them to the best chefs in the world they turn them into a delicious meal without knowing anything else about it and they use every part of the shopping list they're very yeah they're very good that way they they had to make a few assumptions

was that he would he would do one shop for every meal, and they would assume that every ingredient had to be used a little bit. Correct. At least. And then there's the poison balls company. Poison balls. Then there's poison balls, and we don't need to talk about that at all. It's a small amount of poison, enough that it won't kill you, but there's lots of different ones.

Enough to make up a ball. And it's an extreme sport for people at their desks. It's an extreme sport. Yeah, you can take it and you won't die. That's their guarantee. All it is is that you're having poison and you won't die. Who doesn't want that? It's a great promise.

It's the you won't die guarantee. And then we've got the anti-glovers. These people like anti-maskers, but they refuse to wear gloves. Surgical gloves. Gardening gloves. Food prep. Gardening gloves. Riding gloves.

Winter gloves. Driving gloves. They don't even wear driving gloves. Can you imagine? They refuse to conform to this pressure. Just raw-dogging it in the car. This pressure to wear driving gloves. I wonder how much easier life would be,

like how much easier driving must be with driving gloves. There must be an improvement. It's an absolute next level thing. Then we've got rubber pants. Remember somebody who chalks their hands Like a gymnast Before they grip the steering wheel Yeah he's got it in that centre console

It's just filled with dust He just Smacking his hands together Rubbing them together There's so much airborne powder Inside the car He's sneezing constantly. Oh, I think I'm going to have to add it to the list.

No, no, no. Yeah. Only if you promise not to read it out. Yeah, well, driving hand powder. Alt to gloves. Then there's rubber pants and the magnet sex device for abstinence. That lets you see God. And as well with that, they come with free goggles that allow you to see god

and you can see that he's giving you a thumbs up um then we got the pre and then we got the obviously the prenatal test results the great thing about this is that the people having sex wearing goggles the rest of the stuff's pretty ridiculous, but they're wearing goggles. And they're looking at each other. They're glancing off to the side to make eye contact with God. That's how legitimate this is.

This is how valid this is from a religious perspective. You can make full eye contact with God the entire time you're having sex, and he won't bat an eyelid. Oh, he won't blink. He won't blink. He won't look away either. If he doesn't blink, you know, that shows the commitment of a man who's watching. But is he just connecting with your eyes?

That means he's not actually looking at any of the sex stuff. Which obviously you're not doing it. Because he doesn't even see sex. Well, God sees everything. Unless it's skin on skin. God sees everything. But he doesn't see it as sex. Yeah.

But also, I suppose he would even still see you even when he does blink. So it's okay. It's like he's always maintaining eye contact with everyone at all times. But wouldn't his eyelid... His island? Wouldn't his eyelid be so godly that no one could see through it, not even God? Wow. That's a really good question. I thought you said his island, and I was

getting excited about the idea that God lives on an island. God Island. God Island. It's actually an island that God has just off of the coast of Adelaide. Oh! The coast of Adelaide!

Well, Adelaide's on the coast. Is it? Yeah, it is. Okay, great. I've been, is it Glenelg? Something like that has a beach and I've been there. I think the tram goes there. It's like their one tram.

And then we got the prenatal test results. And the doctor takes you through the traits that your kid is likely to have. And the people deciding to abort after something really silly. And we stand by that. Yeah. I think that's funny. Yep. So, boom, boom, boom, boom. The lady had some

gravy and she fed it to her baby and she thought he seemed quite shady so she took it all back. Thank you so much for listening to Think Tank. We do appreciate that you do that you can follow me on twitter I'm at stupid old Andy he's at alistair2b we're at 2intank you can join the discord where you get some

cool chats drop in and say hi drop in come in the discord yeah and then leave again that's fine and you can you can support us on patreon if that's your wish and you can review us on itunes which's your wish. And you can review us on iTunes, which sometimes I find a new batch of reviews from a different country

when I'm feeling down. Read them. Makes me feel great. That's really nice. So if you come from a weird country, make sure you send us some. Because we'll get there. It'll be like money that we left in a jacket for 50 years and then found it. And then we're like whoa this is great

although it's not worth that much anymore due to inflation but thank you it still would mean a lot to us and that's it that's it right yeah I think so Andy so thank you very much I hope your lives are going well

I hope your lives are going to get better after today things can only yeah and I hope your lives are going well I hope your lives are going to get better After today Things can only Yeah and I hope everyone around you Experiences some aspect of joy And we We Love

You Bye