Simple Swedish Podcast - 308 - "PRISON FREEDOM"

Episode Date: October 12, 2021

Not-House-Not-Arrest, Spicy Vacuum, Treble Chat, Calendar Time, Tough Day Down the Podcast, Pathological Conversationalist, Bunch of Followers, ManBoatYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastJoin the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereShimmering thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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I got a coat gonna put it in a plate. I'm leaving for acapoco. Hello, and welcome to two in the thing tank to show where we come up with five sketch ideas. And we like to start off each episode by playing a little game, which is where I, I ask analyst, eh, have you checked that you've deleted enough stuff off your Zoom recorder to be able to fit in the whole episode? And do you have fresh batteries in there so that it will last through the whole thing? Yeah, today we are all going both.

And because we have last two or three recordings, it's ended with me going, oh no. That weren't they're just, we hang up, we say, oh, we stop the recording, oh, I stop my recording, we say, well, that's all done. And then there's a pause with true pathos. Yeah. Howlestair reveals something has gone horribly wrong. And there's a there's a frantic scramble to see how much of the episode has speed has been lost. And

keen eared listeners were listening to the previous episode episode 307 might be able to spot the moment at which we suddenly have a very different energy because we're recording it six hours later to replace the ending of the episode. And remember, Alistair, that it stopped at just the right moment for us to be able to delete an awful thing that you said. Yeah, where I justified some kind of abortion. Oh, I'm telling you. Don't eat, don't eat, don't eat, why would you? justified some kind of abortion. People who were already born.

Don't eat, don't eat, don't eat, why won't you? Well, Andy. You were out, you were out, you were free, you were home free. Yeah, but think about it, think about it. I mean, you didn't bring it up for me to not bring it up. You have more detail. I brought it up to the audience. Alistair, we've got house arrest. But why only prison arrest? Oh, prison freedom.

Oh, that's a good thing. But you have to stay at prison. No, you're in prison, but you're free. Yeah, you can do anything you want. And you get to just hang out with the guards and stuff. That's kind of fun. Yeah. And so you're still in prison. Yeah, but all the prisoners have got a, now got an ankle bracelet on. That means that they're not allowed to get too close to

you to do anything you might not like. That's right. So you can roam, you can go in and out of all the cells and if they try and grab you or escape from their cells while you're opening the door, they get zapped on the leg or something like that. But you have the run of the place. Yeah, you have an access or an all access path. That's right, yes. I like that. And I also like my original idea of you can get house arrest anywhere you want. You could get cafe arrest where you're not allowed to leave the cafe or work

arrest where you're not allowed to leave work. You know what I think I prefer prison freedom because it seems like it has more it has more potential. So is this a guy? He's in, you know, he's in City Hall, spit ball and with the mayor and, you know, and they're trying to come up with another tier of, you know, castor-races? Yes. What is it, though?

What does it, though? What does it, what role does it serve in the great spectrum of justice? Well, there's all these people who've been really good in prison. We did really bad things out in the real world. And you wanna reward them for being good because you want there to be a reason,

some kind of incentive for people to be good in prison so you don't have all those riots. Mm. Right? And a lot of the time it's that you cut people's sentence length. Yes. But you gotta remember, a lot of these people did bad things,

right? Something some were just falsely imprisoned, right? But a lot of them did the wrong thing. And so the incentive and society has found that a lot of these people, that they get released early and then they commit a crime again or something like that. I assume. Exactly. And so, at least in this world of the sketch, and so they've come up with this other tier,

which is closer to freedom, true freedom, except that you still just have to live within the walls of the prison. And so you still sleep in a cell, probably, but the door is open. the door is always open. The door is always open. Yeah. I think that's great. I think that it's also good for people who have become institutionalized. So they could be released, but they wouldn't be able to make it in the real world. So you can release them, but only inside the prison.

Yeah, that's good. And you could probably also have it that tier for people who just want to pay to go to prison. Mm, hang out. Yeah. You know, it's that way there's probably people who just want to know what it's like in prison. Well, indeed, and that makes more mathematical sense, because you have prison prison and then you have house arrests, which is sort of a prison in your home.

And those are both for people who are being detained in some way. But it feels like regular freedom and then prison freedom should both be for people who are already free and it's just a different form of freedom where you're able to go um in the prison, a more limited version of freedom. I guess you know, you can pay to have less freedom for a bit. You know, you can, I wonder what it would be like to be incarcerated. So you would also. Yeah. And you maybe it would go. You go, you go, say your bed, Andy, maybe it would feel more, it would feel sweeter, your freedom, because of all the people who are locked up. And your ability to wander in and out of the cells, lauding it over them, as it were.

Would make you feel all the more liberated. Yeah, well, I mean, you would get that real experience of being the new guy that everybody hates. Yeah. And that's, you can't put a price on that, $50,000, that's the price. I suppose this is really rich people want to do it. We've had, you know how we've had,

we've had people show up on our podcast recently who are children. And so it kind of feels like it's becoming a bit of a thing. Yeah. I feel like I should slowly but surely introduce all the members of my family. And so this is my daughter here. Hello. Do you want to say anything else? I love you, Daddy.

So there you go. There's my daughter. Just slowly but surely introducing all the members of my family. Yeah. Well, have you given how much time I spend with them? It's amazing that another of my parents have appeared on the podcast. Hmm. As yet.

Oh my God. I've just realized I'm eating you. You can't junk chunky on the air. You've just realized. Yeah. Well, I've been into KitKat chunky. Of all the snacks to take you by surprise, I would say the KitK Kat chunky. I, uh, an unusually large snack seems like it would be the least likely contender. Yeah, but there's two types of inconspicuousness, isn't there?

Sure. Sure. There's, you know, you can sort of, uh, you can disguise yourself. Five of them plain sight. Mm. Mm. Yeah. And that one was so big and moving so confidently into my mouth that I just didn't doubt it's right to be there

for a second. OK, this would be an amazing product. This would actually sell so fucking well. Kit Kat Micro. for a second. Okay, this would be an amazing product. This would actually sell so fucking well. Kit Kat Micro, right? And it's just... Kit Kat Micro penis. No.

Okay. No. It's Kit Kat Micro. It's just a much smaller Kit Kat. It's sort of three centimeters by two centimeters. Proportions are a four. Yeah, and it's got like all five or whatever strips, you know, like sticks.

I think that would feel nice to eat. I think it would be great. You can still break it up and eat them as little bits if you want. Or you can chuck the whole thing in your mouth Or you could check like 10 in there It would be quite interesting. Feel like a god. I think that would be good and I think I think It would actually probably follow more's law To figure out how many

Wafers you can get into such a small area. Yeah. Because I mean, it must be harder and harder to get a wafer that stays crunchy and as it gets thinner and you know, like smaller like that. Makes sense with the KitKat crunchy because you can put more and thicker at chunky, sorry, KitKat at chunky. Sorry, kick, kick, chunky. But look, I like, I like the ambition of it, Andy. Yeah. It's like a bag. Is this sketch idea? Oh, that's hard. Yeah, hard. You know, I think the person who

invented the KitKat chunky, I'd like to meet them. I'd like to shake them by their giant hand and get a little insight into their psychology. What it was like the day they came up with that, what the pitching process was like. I feel that there are probably people within the KitKat Company who are constantly trying to recreate the magic, yeah, innovate exactly within the KitKat form. The one I'm currently eating is a KitKat Arrow. Say that's crazy. KitKat Chunky Arrow. So that's crazy. Kit Kat chunky arrow.

So it has a layer of arrow bar, but you know, you know that guy who came up with the, that spicy Dorito or whatever it's called, like that one that's in the States. I don't know that guy. I don't know that guy. Spicy. What's that going to be called? Spicy. I don't know that guy spicy. Oh, what's that gonna be called spicy? It's you know, it's probably a Frito le guy. It might be flaming hot.

Right. It's just a real spicy chip. Is that it? Yeah, but I mean the problem chip, you know, I think for the story it's probably better, but I think he was a janitor. And he had like, he was... Phil Thie guy, grime, dripping from his hands. Right, and he came into the lab one day, running his greasy, disgusting hands over all the work surfaces and the test tubes and all the scientists there in the Dorito factory were shining. Get out of here. Get out of here. You're freak. You're disgusting, freak. You're ruining everything.

Well, I think the story was, yeah, it was the flaming hot Cheetos is what it was. Okay. And I think he was saying look he'd come up with some idea that to capture the the you know Latino market to in order you know and like, well, create this cheeto that's got this extreme heat. And of course, like you said, he was getting motor grease on things. And then made me wonder, maybe we could, anyway, I don't know, you think he learned about business and then presented it to them and they were like, okay, we'll give this a try anyway, but

Do you think that they could make a cat chank chunky for the South American community? Yeah, that's right. I think I think now that we know the secret to capturing the little Tina market is Yeah, it is just like a spicy version of everything Well, we don't know that we don't know if that's the case No, I think it is what works for Cheetos might not work. You know, I'm just saying is just make a spicy version of everything. Well, we don't know that. We don't know if that's the case. No, I think it is. What works for Cheetos might not work. You know, I'm just saying.

It's crazy. This is a life hack. It works for everything. Ever. We're making a vacuum cleaner for the South American market. Mm-hmm. I mean, there are a lot of countries, Andy, that enjoy really spicy food.

Food that I would consider unbelievably spicy. And so it feels like maybe that's the thing that could actually work. Imagine that a spicy vacuum cleaner, though, like you've been vacuuming for about an hour. It's gonna make me the worst thing we've ever said, all the time. No, but think about it. Then you take your hands off and then your hands are bright red with sort of, with, you know, sort of a mixture of- Your rotation from the-

Well, I don't know why there's still cheese, but cheese and chili dust powder. Oh, that's cool. On the vacuum cleaner. And you, you look all your fingers like that, pardon me. And it is spicy as heck. You go, oh, golly. Oh.

Yeah. Wow. Was this, you know, if it was you and me would be like, whoa, was this catering to my market? Because this is spicy and then I was expected. And then they say, no, you actually bought a South American vacuum cleaner. Now, I think it's actually a perfect fusion of ideas because very often that dust, that chip dust,

if you're pouring it out into your mouth at the end, you know, some will bounce off the cheeks onto the ground, and you'll be in a situation where you need to vacuum anyway. So I think it makes sense that you just combine those two things, make a spicy vacuum cleaner, and then if any dust does fall off, well, you're vacuuming anyway. Yeah, because think about it like you, you just, you just really come across this boxy vacuum cleaner. You just went online to order this vacuum cleaner and you're not paying that much attention. And so you see that it has You see that it has 5,000 five star reviews, right?

And it's on sale. And you don't notice that all of the third aimes of the people giving those reviews, how Spanish or Portuguese. That's right, yeah, Sanchez, Gonzalez, and others, right? Maltese. Maltese. Hey, Bolsonaro.

Cuc- right? Balsanara. Right. Balsanara. Um, Cooke. Look. Look. Look. Look. Look. Look. I was looking through this article to see if I could find another, find another name that was South American.

And the first word that appeared in my vision was Cooca Manga. Wow. And that might be a place. I think it might be, wait, at Frito Leis Rancho, kukamanga, kukamanga plant. So maybe that's a place in the States. Maybe that's a place in South America. I don't know. I apologize.

It doesn't feel like it's an okay thing to say. It sounds offensive. Anyway, so you, anyway, so now you're, you've done your first vacuum and you're licking your fingers going Wow, that's a spicy vacuum Like that and then you go back and you go honey. Whoa my eyes are watering You know mom stuffed up your blow and you nose and things like that Taste this vacuum cleaner, huh? She goes whoa that is spicy like that

And so then you go back to the web page from what you bought it and you see those reviews. But you see the ratings. But then you scroll all the way down to see the reviews. And you see, and it's all just people, you know, giving that sort of, that, you know, that okay fingers emoji. And they say, ah, perfect amount of spice. Four chili vacuum clater. Yeah, you know, or, you know, just like the fire, fire emoji like that. Oh, this is exactly got a lot of heat to it. This is exactly got a lot of heat to it.

That's what they say. This is exactly got a lot of heat to it. Wow. they say this is exactly got a lot of heat to it. Wow. I it this this really it's come around and it really feels like a sketch idea, Alistair. From an entire you know there's so many parts of this story that I would like to see from the, you know, what occurred in the factory or in the manufacturing plant or in the boardroom to get them to the point of making a spicy vacuum cleaner right down to the person trying to take back

the vacuum cleaner to the shop to go back to Godfrees because it's too spicy. And I mean, it would be great because men wouldn't want to take it back and say it's too spicy because they'd be embarrassed. Sure, sure. I absolutely. Yeah. So they'd have to take their wife to take it back or they'd have to after they vacuum, they'd have to eat a lot of yogurt after looking at things because you can't help but lick it off your fingers. He don't waste it. It would be a great way to market vacuum cleaners towards men because I think a lot of the time the way they market those things is towards women.

That's just the way it works out. I think a company trying to market them towards men and talking about how spicy it is and how hot can you handle your back you've played as a challenge to their masculinity. Yeah, it's spicy enough for South America and Thailand and India, but it's made for Australia. I think a vacuum cleaner could even work as a vacuum cleaner salesman coming around and trying to get somebody to buy this spicy vacuum cleaner that sort of taunting them a little bit saying they can't, or the only reason they're not buying it is because they can't handle the spice and They're feeling the need to prove that they can handle the spice by buying it. I

Think I think it makes sense now if people just were when they're by a vacuum cleaner They also say mild right after hmm. Yeah. Well, if you don't specify They're going to make it at the spiciness that the salesperson would think is normal. And for different cultures, that that varies hugely. Yeah. I don't think. Anyway, if we have any we I know we do have a few South American listeners. So if they if this is in any way offensive, let us know. And I'll start writing our apology immediately after you. Let us know.

Let us know. Yeah. And we'll refunt you Patreon money. Thank you, Andy. That's so nice. This month or the whole history of it. We've been putting it aside. We've been putting it aside. We've been putting it all so.

Oh, that's right. We've been exactly this kind of a payout. So that one day we can put, we were hoping to, one day put the podcast through college, but yeah, if, yeah, if this is offensive enough, I mean, look, I don't even know. Do South Americans like spicy food? I think they do.

According to that story anyway. Yeah, well, isn't that where all the, you know, the Tabasco, you know, your hot sauce. Tabasco, yeah. I mean, it could be an American thing, but I don't know. You may be right. Limes.

Feeling. Yeah. We're feeling that Tabasco is a place in Mexico, but I think we're with Chihuahua. Oh, I think I might be thinking of Chihuahua Then literally that was the other thing that was in my mind. I was like oh, I know that right Chihuahua No, no, no, I just read what about you know is those peppers there at all they've all got I just, what about, you know, there's all those peppers there. And they've all got South American names. Yeah, that's right.

We were on such a small wavelength then. Habanero, that's, you know, there's no, and, and, and, and, and, and English, I don't think, except for the one in Habanero. If you ever thought about inventing a new letter. So, inventing a new letter. Inventing a new letter, sure. I think we might have talked about new letters.

I've been a sound the other day, and I was like, it's weird that that's not a letter. There's no letter for that. Yeah. But there's a lot of stuff that we can do with our mouth that is wetter. We don't do a lot of stuff with the wetness of the mouth. You know, the kind of sounds, all the kind of stuff. And that feels like a waste of potential.

And it would be really cool. If like, you know, how beatboxers can get a baseline going and then sort of, you know, beatbop and scatter all over the top. It would be good if you could sort of have two conversations going simultaneously. One in the sort of the wet zone and one in the more regular dry mouth. What about just like a base conversation and a treble conversation? It's quite good. Have it entire base alphabet. Yeah, and then, well, exactly, use the the clefs. We can then use the clefs

at the beginning of the of the sentence. Of each sentence, yeah, cool. And so that way in books, when you're writing it, you can have of somebody, you know, you can have the two parallel lines of the two things that the person is saying, one with the base clef and the other one with the treble clef. That's a great way to communicate subtext. Hello, how are you? I'm having a good time. Thank you for coming with that. And then, um, beat this heavy,

heavy, this here, beat this here, beat this here. Um, that's when you, I's when you did an incredibly good job of or do the boat bring it to some kind of reality. I mean, I sort of feel that the the base conversation needs to be in a totally different language in a way, a fully different alphabet, different language in a way, a fully different alphabet, a set of sounds. But if you could get it going where you can just talk in two different frequency ranges at once, I would not begrudge you that.

And I think that's really... Yeah, well I don't know if people in Japan actually do this or if it's only in the movies, but you know that thing that is occasionally occurs in films where you hear the people talking like this that. Like that thing, like that, you know what I mean? No, I don't know if that people actually ever do that and that seems like maybe not, but I feel like it's Japanese people that have represented that in films. I've not seen

You know non Japanese people doing it. So that's what you know, but that feels like that's as low as you can go Oh, yeah, because it's like you're moving all you're talking down into the chest cavity Yeah, you're pushing it down. It's like very like Deep throat like deep throat conversation. I am deep. I wore you. It was nice to see you. There's people here and then maybe just talk up in the nose

with the other one. But I don't know what the language is. So if I'm moving different, is not enough for you? Hello, hello, hello, you. I'm just moving, moving, moving, moving. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's hard. I gotta say it's hard. I think you probably have to split the two hemispheres

of the brain so that each one can work independently. Yeah, yeah. But we've been looking for a reason to do that for a long time. Yeah, just get some scissors and just... And yeah, I don't know. Is this a thing? Do you think this is a sketch? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I don't know. Is this a thing? Do you think this is a sketch? Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah. Base.

Clif, talking. You know, it feels like it could be a thing that, you know, is another thing that really successful people do. You know, if you're only having one conversation at a time, you're hardly realizing your potential. I mean, maybe I'm playing into a myth that very successful people somehow work more or harder instead of just being given more opportunities and having inherited wealth. How about instead of saying more successful people, we just say people who work harder, a crazy amount. There's probably a lot of, there's probably, there would be a class of those entrepreneurs who say, you know, I use up every free moment

that kind of stuff who are both doing that and not succeeding and will never succeed. Definitely true. Wasn't there like a thing, it was something about like somebody's day, somebody was talking about their day and how full it is right and how they you know They they just they work so hard and they had given a list of what that what their day involves and there are thing There were things like you know two hours for lunch and stuff in there They're talking about how their day is just absolutely packed and they have to get up early to fit everything in. And then like, you know, having a shower was an hour and a half in the morning. And you're like,

Wow. I mean, you know, I've I've fabricated some of these details. Oh, no. And, you know, that's really just the gist. That's the gist. I like that. Thank you. Yeah. You know, there could be a service we could offer, which is how to make your day seem busy in conversation. How to talk about, because you know because it's very relevant for people who in lockdown or whatever don't have as much going on. I think being able to talk about what you do as if you're very, very busy and as if you're filling every moment, could be a useful

skill, could be something that we could really offer to people. Yeah, I mean, like, I guess if somebody says they would actually, you know, it's like somebody said to somebody, you know, hey, by the way, if ever you need anything, you need anyone to talk to, you know, you can call me, right? And they say, well, actually, yeah, I could use somebody to talk to you, because, okay, well, I'm fully booked up for the next two and a half weeks, but let me look at my calendar. Yeah, I could fit you in for a 10 minute conversation on the October 28th if that works for you that Let's make it October 29th. I expect that dentist deployment to go long

Um, like that Yeah, and and so that can make it seem like you're really busy. Because I know I've done that in the past where it's like, you know, sometimes even when you say to somebody like, do you want to hang out, you want to hang out sometime, they go, okay, yeah, yeah. How's, you know, maybe in a month or two? Yeah. And you go, nobody's that busy.

Like I know we make it seem like our lives get that busy, but then you just get heaps hours. But I get it, you know, sometimes you need a bit of a buffer and a bit of time to work up to something like that. Oh yeah, of course. You know, like, you're like, I was kind of enjoying the idea of not having anything to do for quite a while and I could

imagine being ready to deal with this in a month and a half. But I can't bear the thought of taking up any more of the free time that I definitely do have, but before then. Yeah, I mean, I genuinely had a moment like that with somebody where I was like, I ran into them at the supermarket and I was like, I think, you know, yeah, I think we could, we just talk about, you know, we should meet up sometime

and I was like, yeah, I think we could probably meet up in like two weeks, it's like, oh, two weeks. It's like, let's extend it a bit further, I went, yeah, that's great. Thank you so much. I mean, I just saw you today. Yeah. You know what we're heading for in the future? Is a situation in which everybody's calendars are synced up digitally, right? And we don't even really know exactly when we're doing anything, right? But our calendar knows. And if you meet somebody and you say, you both verbally agree, let's meet up in about two weeks, right? Your calendars, your phones are listening to you, okay?

They put something in, they sink it up, and they even move around all your other stuff, and all the people, other people that you might be meeting with, all of their stuff, just subtly, and you know, by a little bit here and there, reschedule things all over the place, to the point where it's like just this, you know, time and appointments and meetings are just this kind of goo that can be squeezed and stretched all over the place and time sort of almost starts to lose all meaning. But it is like a crypto kind of thing. It is, it is sort of a decentralized time, right? Where time now just takes on this, this, this, this meaning of when things can be fitted in. And it is all organized on this, by this, this, by computers on a level that we never see.

So you never actually look at your clock and see the time. You look at your device on your wrist and it tells you what you should be doing at that time, because it's worked out what you can fit in at that point. It's just got a Google Maps style. You know, like your next, your next move is turning left over here. And then it'll take you to the next thing that fits you in. It'll give you a little prompt. Give you a little prompt about like, all right, you got to remember this person's name is this. 10 10s. Look at before you get there. Yeah, it might tell you what you need to take and it'll fit you in on the way.

This is a job interview. You got it. This is the criteria they're looking for. All right, go. Yeah. Oh, hi, okay, so. Yeah. I mean, I'm interested in this.

It would be organized enough, and it would be intelligent enough to, if you need to know something the night before, it'll tell you about that. But the idea of individuals having to, I mean, the idea of, you know, six people want to meet up, and we've all got to look at our calendars and find time and find availability.

Yeah. Feels like it's on the way out. That's crazy that we're doing that mental work. Yeah. Yeah. Computers will work it out for us. They will change the nature of time in a way so that we can just open it at the same time.

Based on, you know, when you leave the house and things like that, how much time your mornings require at home and things like that. Yeah, and yeah, I think I mean, but now we gotta find a way of making this into a sketch. Yeah. This is, this is blob, blob time. I mean, that's not gonna make sense on the page, blob time. Blob time, yeah. Well, I mean, that's not going to make sense on the page, Blob time. Blob time, yeah.

Well, I mean, is there a simpler version of it where it's, it's just that the task of once you're in the 30, in your 30s, the task of getting four of your friends together to catch up becomes so complicated that it is like some, you know, you have to solve this enormous matrix equation in order to do it. And we need quantum computing just in order to be able to organize social engagements. Well, yeah, because like the only way that you and I can actually really hang out usually is because it's transactional in a way because we're doing it as work in inverted columnists. I mean, you know, that's the way our wives see our work. It's not real work at which is fine. But which is, you know, I can understand.

But it's that, I don't know. This is the product world market, Alistair. What it is, is it say, it's for podcasters, right? And it is a little sort of, it's a little makeup bag, okay? And it's just got some sort of, some various bits of dust and grime in there, okay? That you can sort of put your hands into

and smear it up your arms up to the elbows and wipe a bit of it on your face. And then when you come out of podcasting, it looks like you've done something. Yeah, you got like a mist bottle to spray onto your, onto your head to like a little bit of purrification. Yeah, I've seen that those bottom, I've seen them spray that stuff on a can of beer that they're taking photos

of for an ad to make it look like it's cold and you know, the condensation is beating on it. You mean that? Those cans of beer, They're not real. Well, the cans are real and the liquid is real. It's real liquid. Not like it's made out of resin or something like that. It's just, but it's sprayed on with a...

But it didn't earn that sweat, you know? The hard-earned, it wasn't a hard-earned beer sweat. It's disgusting. So wait, is this anything? What I just get yeah, yeah, I said of a You know, essentially it's make it's makeup for for strainless For strainless jobs Yeah, you know, and maybe you can even there's a little this is a little grim

But you know, there's a little knife in there. You can give yourself a couple of little cuts on the hands. You can, you know, grab a little bandage. Burns on your own. Yeah, sure. Just something. It's a big machine that you can shove your arm into,

get it just slightly crushed. Okay. So you can cut the tip off your finger with something. Yeah, but it's not just podcasting. It can be any white collar job that just kind of, I get that those ones are, it's more capable for them to justify that it's real work because they're lawyers or whatever. But yeah, I like targeting it at the podcaster market. And I think there's enough of them out there that it could really be something. You know, there's a little some mud that you can put on your boots.

It's totally artificial mud. It's not real mud. It's made from oil. It's made from, it's a plasticized thing. But, but it looks exactly like mud on your boots. But the great thing is it's easier to get off carpet. Of course, your partner still knows. Of course, your partner still knows

that you're a podcaster, right? Yeah, but I think that there's a deep, psychological clues that there's a deeper level at which the body doesn't instinctively. There's a deeper level of knowing that you can trick the, trick the body. You're basically trying to stop them from making snide comments, right? Yeah. Yeah. I think so.

You're just, it's just to stop them from insults at your work. The, you know, having to come out of the podcast and then you got to go and have a shower, right? And you got to pull your clothes into the wash. That really feels like you've come home from something. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah. You come out of a podcasting session, just with this just insane sweaty sweat, drenching your clothes. Sweaty sweat Drenching your clothes I'd love that yeah, well, that's what will happen when we actually once we actually get around to doing the 300th episode

True, that's as close as we get Yeah, I don't know how we're gonna actually do that with loads of guests We'll see yeah We'll see we'll see what the restrictions entail. I just don't want to be calling messing around with calls and things like that throughout the thing. Anyway. I know. I know.

Nobody wants that. I think I feel a little bit bad because I'm sure that I created the pandemic by created and then prolonged it firstly by wishing that we had more time to do at get our show ready for the Comedy Festival in 2020 and then wishing that we didn't have to do the 300th episode of the podcast. Here you brought this latest outbreak. Yeah, I think so. I think I conjured it.

Well, right, I locked down in October 26th or something like that, maybe. And so maybe at some point after then, within the next few weeks, we'll get straight into the 300th episode. Now, self-organizing calendar, this thing. What aspect of this being a sketch are we doing? Well, I started talking about something that I thought would be a more achievable version of. I don't know if I actually set it out loud. What was it? That, fuck, I've completely forgotten.

Yeah, so, you know, maybe there's nothing there. It's always, it's too abstract. It's, oh, yeah, so that's right. The thing about, you know, requiring a a supercomputer in order to organize a together with your friends. I mean, yeah, it's more a, if it's anything, it's a short joke. It's a tiny vignette, the idea of booking time on the world's most powerful supercomputer in order to. It's not even a sketch or a joke so much it is as it is maybe something that you would say in a group chat. It's a line that would get a couple of hearts from people. I think, but that's the direction comedy's going anyway. I think it would be that's not a crazy

idea is to run the first comedy show in a group chat. Mm. Yeah. Does anyone doing that? Does anybody doing comedy shows and group chats? I mean, I realized they're all comedy shows, but. No, I think you could, you could absolutely put on a performance in a group chat. Couldn't you? That feels like a potential art space and I'm sure somebody has done it somewhere because you could just, you know, you could, you could add people to the chat and they're feed while the performers type their entries into it to play out the scenes. And you can have photos and that sort of thing.

Fuck, it feels like something. That really feels like something that you could write an entire, you know, thriller or something called, it's called group chat. And or the thread. And you just, you just, yeah, that's on the Twitter thread, isn't it? Is that a different thing? It's a different thing. Well, a thread, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're no, but yes You could have you could have one on Twitter thread I made how you would distinguish that from reality. I don't know But yeah, I think I think you could fucking you could get a grant for this

Oh, if we haven't already missed the zeitgeist and somebody hasn't already done it But this feels like I was in a position I'm sure somebody's done it, but- I was in a position to give grants. This I would be doing this. We could actually just have it pre-typed out and then just- That's where the money is. Yeah. It's all just scheduled.

Oh, that would be cool. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, I don't know if that I write it. I guess you could do improv scenes in there as well. You could, you know, you could get people to give you suggestions and that you. Well, all these people on Twitter

that are having these, these exciting conversations with people all over, you know, like they're always like, oh, this person was in my DMs and look what they said. What a, this is like a path. How much that can be real? Yeah. So many people have so many interesting things happening to them. I, as soon as I, I think I might have something wrong with me,

but as soon as someone I know, or somebody Carly knows, has a story about anything interesting happen to them. I just assume they're a pathological liar. It's now, it's my first instinct. No, look, I'm sorry, I take that back. You're allowed to have one interesting thing happen to you. Yeah. But if somebody has a second interesting thing happen to them, I'm not.

I think that's, you've got a fabulous, I think that's a sketch. It's scientists find that people who've had to, that all people who've had two interesting things happen to them are. Are lies? Yeah, but what's interesting things happen to them are lies. Yeah, but what's that word? The pathological lies. Yeah. People who claim scientists find. Sure. If that's a sketch, I'm 110% on board. People who go on interesting dates and have always have weird stories about them. People who are sitting next to people having crazy conversations, that happens to, you're allowed one. And even if it does happen to you again, you're not allowed to tell that story because it's just, you know, it's too

odd. It puts you in bad company with all the pathological hours. Yeah. Well, Andy, we have, we have three words from a listener, and I wrote it down thinking, I wrote down thinking, uh, finally, fresh one that I haven't used. And then the more it sat there, the more I was like, oh, maybe we have used this one before. So I'm going to whisper it to you now, Andy, and you tell me whether or not. Okay, wait, do you do you recall us using one from Mr. Jimbery recently? I don't think so, but I mean the name has a slight familiarity, a slight tang. I might not have used Mr. last time. Now, let's do it.

Did you post something to Instagram five minutes ago? Not five minutes ago, but are you looking at Instagram right now? No, I just looked at my phone and a notification popped up to say, Alistair, Tronbley, virtual shared a post 5 minutes ago. I posted something one hour ago and we've been recording this for 48 minutes. I just wanted to know that you're not tweeting. You're not, you're not Instagramming during the podcast. Yeah, no, no, no. I, I'm not, I mean, I've looked at Instagram a couple of times. Done, done some faving.

Yeah, I have, but I've not, I've not posted anything. I've been on Pinterest looking at living room ideas. Yeah, I'm doing I'm doing some small courses on Domestika while we're talking but Should have said taking a class on domestica What about you know, yeah,, do I do? What about a Pinterest, but for criminals?

And it's just for ideas for crimes. Not for actually organizing things like, you know, still grody shit, it's just for the early planning stages. Well, they're, you know, like, I find it feels like, you know, like, financial products that banks and stuff like that come up with. So much of them seem like these weird fabricated things that kind of things that had no value because, you know, they didn't exist. They don't need to exist.

And then they invent it. And then suddenly it's worth a lot of money. And it feels like there's probably a world like that for theft where it's like you can sort of, I wonder if you could steal these things that don't really exist. Yeah, or just things people haven't thought of stealing. Yeah. Like, what about just like, you know, you unscrew those bits on bike wheels that covers the thing that you've put the air into. You know those little screw tops that are on those?

Yeah. Just a little trim. The valve caps. Malf those down and it's a plastic, it's a good quality plastic that you can be making money off of. You know, in a night you can walk around and you can get probably 50 or 60 of those and if you do that every night. It feels like it's not a crime. Well, that you don't need it. If the bike works without it, it doesn't feel like it's necessary. It's basically like trying

to, it's like feeling the plastic bit off the end of somebody's shoelaces, which I don't care has a name. I will never learn it. Do you want me to tell you right now? Don't tell me. I have just telling you don't care. I don't want to hear it. So I can do to hold it back, but I won't. L.A. Thank you. All right. Jim Bray. Okay. So Mr. Jim Bray. I don't know. I know at one point that we're just Jim Bray, or maybe I was just impolitely referring to them, it's just as jimbrie. In jimbrie has three words from a listener and them

and do you want to try and guess what the three words are? Were you gonna whisper them to me or? No, no, no, I think I'll just, I asked whether or not you knew who jimbrie was and you know. Okay, Larger phone. No, the first one is why? Okay.

Oh, is this why not die? No. Okay. Peristances? No, the second one is yet. Why yet? Yeah. Why yet? Yeah.

Togetherness? No, indeed the third word is though. I hate this. I hate this. I know you're fucking with us, but you're fucking with us in a way that is making me physically ill. Mm. I feel so unhappy. But you're fucking with us in a way that is making me physically ill.

I feel so unhappy. Well, maybe feel like my entire life. I mean, none of the words really have meaning, meaning almost. But maybe if we say them fast enough, you know, you know, that feeling when you've got an itch and you can't scratch it properly through your trousers, right? And so you just got that kind of blunt rubbing that really doesn't do anything to satisfy the itch, but does slightly hurt your leg. I feel like I have that all over my brain from those words.

Yeah, I mean, me and friends had come up with a word for the internal itch that you get when you Take a little bit of LSD Occasionally you would get this weird internal itch that you can't scratch But then I think maybe I've mentioned this on the podcast because I'm having a weird Flashback to sitting in the podcasting booth at the first warehouse up in the Mezzanine. So this would have been years ago. Where we conceived my my my first child, not you and I, but you didn't also you didn't do that in the Mezzanine.

You didn't know where you would. You made love in the podcasting booth? No, it wasn't a booth. That's our space. You made love in our podcasting booth. It wasn't a booth. It was just a higher area. But it was a level. Because once I saw an episode of Letterman, and Letterman must have been on some medication.

And he was like, I got an itch on the inside that I can't itch and he goes Oh, that's anyway, we had called it Gary Gary That's what you called the itch on the inside that you can't get Trying to like shake your body to try to scratch it, but you can't do it That's I mean that's a nightmare isn't it my you know I think one of my big fears about doing drugs would be that something like that would happen

and then it just wouldn't go away and you'd just have that itch inside you forever. And, you know, I don't know if that happens to anybody, but it's a suck if it did. Unfortunately, the effects were off. Real shame. Okay, let's say, why yet though fast? Why yet though? Why yet though? effects wear off. Hmm. I don't know. Real shame. Okay, let's say,

why yet though fast? Why yet though? Why yet though? Why yet though? It sounds like a beautiful name for a boat. You know? I don't know if this is, if this is anything,

but it's a parent who asks their kid what their mom wants for her birthday. And the kid says, I asked her and she and she wants followers. Right? And you go, yeah, you sure? He's like, I guess, her Twitter account or, you know, whatever it doesn't have that much but she just really tweet that much. But whatever, okay, if that's what she wants like that, this is not a good sketch Andy. But anyway, so then the guy kind of orders a bunch of followers from one of those websites

that allows you to get fake followers but just something something that boosts the numbers a bit up to like 10,000 or something like that. And then it gives it to the mom, and she's like, what's what? He said, the kid said that you wanted flowers. If a follower's, and she said, you know, Rototano's flowers. And Rototano's kid couldn't read. I'm a kid couldn't read. That's, there's really something there, Alistair. I think that's very funny. I don't know how that relates to these words.

No, I thought of it off-pod, but. Yeah, I wondered if that was being shoe-horned in some way. But, you know, if Jim Brie's going to fuck with us on that level, then I feel like, you know, we can't get Jimbery out. No, of course. When I said that it sounds like the name of a boat, make me think that all boats are, that's a great sketch idea though, Alste. Make me think about the fact that all boats are women. They're all she. Although we don't talk about it, that those terms as much yet.

But I was thinking about making a boat that is a man. Oh, the first male boat. The first man boat. And you think about all the boat buses that boat would get. The only bad boat. And would you give it a nice man name like Mark? Yeah. Yeah. Martin.

Steve. A Reginald. And I'm not sure in what way you would make how would be one-bedally different. But I think making the first... I know, but it doesn't have to be. You're just making the first male boat. Hmm.

I think... I think, look, the sketch writes itself after that. Yeah, I agree. That's a good thing about it. I like that. Because I've got after that. Yeah, I agree. That's a good thing about it. I like that. No ideas. Yeah, great. I think, you know, it'd be interesting to see what that does to the boat community, the boats

of society. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. And also, you know, the person who owns the boat having so many problems with the boat's pronouns. She's a beauty, pardon me, he's a beauty. I'm so sorry. This is actually going to take more getting used to than a, you know, you'd actually probably need a non-mariner to buy the boat in order to sort of treat it properly. Maybe it's just somebody who fantasizes about being the first male boat because of how easy it would be able to meet lady boats. But I don't know.

I think I want their boat to have sex with other boats. No, they want to be the boat. They want to be a man boat. Like they're like a mermaid on the front of the boat, or this person is made into the boat. They want to be made into a man boat. But like, are they, are their body parts being replaced with the parts of a boat? Or are they just kind of sealed into the boat? I think they're in some way their body parts are being replaced and also molded into the shape of a boat. And I guess, and the place where there's the fin down the bottom

there, and they just have their penis sticking. It's a testicle. And it's dangling dead. Yes, that's right. I tell you know, there are manboats. Anyway, well, I mean, why yet though? Why yet though? I tell you know they're a man, but... Anyway. Well, I mean, the... Why yet though? Why yet though?

Why yet though? I don't know what they are. I don't know what they are. I don't know what they are. I've never less wanted to hear all the sketch ideas, but please tell us what we've come up with today. And then we got prison freedom. Now that was an idea. Yeah, new tier of justice,

potentially. Sometimes the justice is that money is coming into the prison system from a place other than the government. Tourism. Then we got spicy vacuum for the South American market. I'm talking about it. That was a good idea as well. And then we got base cleft talking and treble cleft talking. I think this is when things started to go wrong. And then we got the self organizing calendar and needing a super commuter to organize getting together with friends. Then we got makeup for strainless work employees

such as podcasters who to make it look like they've been doing work in there. You know soot that they can put on their face and yeah and stuff like that. To fool their beloved on a deeper level. On a deeper level. On a deeper level, full their body, trick their body. Then we got scientists find people who claim to have had two interesting things happen to them or all pathological liars. That's right. Could be also written as more than one.

could be also written as more than one. Then we got a followers gift for mother who wanted flowers. And then we have make the first male boat and then possibly man wants to be that boat. There we go. I want to be your boat. I want to float your float. He's a beauty to write. Oh, he's a beauty. I want to splash or I want to run a ground. I want to be sprayed down with a big old hose. But here's what would be different with a male boat. You'd yell, yeah, one man the sales. Hang on. What are you? What are you? What is on a regular boat? Once you yell man the sales. Man the, man the tiller maybe man the man the till the sales maybe you do say man the sales Jesus you've had genuine sailing experience I know and I'm let you know I'm letting you know how it really is. Well, I say I've got genuine sailing experience, but it's too close to being an interesting story, so it was probably just a lie.

That's true. And, listeners, thank you so much for listening. Thank you, really. Honestly, what you do week in, week out is incredible. And look, even though this might not have been our best episode, you lifted my spirits today. And we don't we don't break a sweat recording at a lot of the time, but I bet you I bet you work up. Yeah, some, you know, some serious you burn some serious killer jewels listening to this thing. Yeah, absolutely. I hope you're hitting your goal. Keep up the good work.

Keep up the good work. Twitter, Instagram, Patreon, to Intank, you know, review, and we love you. We love you. See you. Hey Dave, you're Andy. Since we founded Bombas, we've always said our socks, underwear, See ya. on your list. And for those facing homelessness. Because one purchase equals one donated. Wow, did we just write an ad? Yes. Bombas. Big comfort for everyone. Go to bombas.com slash a cast and use code a cast for 20% off your first purchase.