Two In The Think Tank - 31 - "CROWD FUNDED SPACE HOUND"

Episode Date: January 28, 2014

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Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Oh dear. No, can we do that again? Yeah. Okay, let's keep going. Do. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Two in the think tank. Hi, guys.

You're listening to Two in the Think Tank. It's always worth having a second go at some things. Yeah, because you only get two goes to have a first go at something. Yes. Your first go is always your first chance to fail.

And sometimes you need a second go around just to make sure that you failed quite correctly. Yeah, and look, it's to give your first failure context. To place it on a spectrum. Because a failure can't exist in a vacuum. I mean, there's no parameters.

It's just there floating. Absolutely. You've never heard of space failure. Yeah. You hit rock bottom, sure. But how do you know it's rock bottom when you hit it? Yeah. Okay.

It's because you've hit soft bottom before. That's right. And even softer middle. Sort of really jelly-like bottom. Yeah. And a lot of the time you might think you've hit rock bottom. But I imagine that if you hit it hard enough, you could probably break through. And then down the bottom there, you'd be like, oh, this is diamond bottom. Or there's lava.

Lava. Yeah. And once you get through rock bottom, there's lava. Yeah. A magma. Yeah. Well, first you go through some mantle. You're going to go through some mantle.

Yes. And then you get to a core. And then after you get through some mantle. You're going to go through some mantle. Yes. And then you get to a core. And then after you get through that, there's more mantle. And then there's more rock. And then you're flying out through the air. But then gravity pulls you back down. You know? Gravity.

You know how outside the Earth, gravity decreases as per the inverse square law, Alistair. Yeah, is it one on D squared? Yes. Yeah. R squared is the... R squared, sorry. This is what we use. But diameter would be similar.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, but in Tasmania they use radius, but just ignore that, everyone, listeners. Okay, sure. And, but inside the Earth... Yeah. Gravity decreases by one on R, I believe, as you go towards the center of the Earth. Right.

Because you've got not only the mass that's on your side, but then you've got the mass that's above you pulling you in the other direction. Oh, yeah. So, like, the parameters change. It's quite cool. Yeah. I imagine that happens also as you go up into the atmosphere, the weight of the atmosphere that used to be on top of you is now below you. And so maybe that's also why you're escaping some of its gravity. Of the atmosphere? Oh, no.

Yeah. Like the atmosphere would have gravity. It would. Yeah. That's true. Yes. I mean, how about there's a sketch about a planet that's all atmosphere, and a guy's talking about how surprising it is that there's gravity there.

There's just two guys going, oh, you know what? I thought there'd be less gravity here. So basically it's Jupiter. Right. It's a gas planet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that.

It's like people talking about how hot it is outside, right? But they're talking about how much gravity there is, right? Oh, it's so gravitatious out here. I really didn't dress for this level of gravity. Yes, because I also didn't dress for the gravity because I have a lot of loose skin. And because I lost a lot of weight recently. Not just because I left Earth and the gravity was heavier there. I lost a lot of...

I also lost some mass. Yeah, I probably should have said that first. Sorry about that. I forgot that we're space travelers, space tourists. And as we got here, I was wearing a shirt where my breasts were showing. And let's just say they're sagging a little lower than I was expecting. Yeah. Due to the atmospheric gravity here that is below me because we're floating in a gas bubble.

You've heard about the moons of Jupiter. Check out the moobs of Jupiter. That's a good way to wrap that one up. We should have brought a basset hound. That would have been funny. Actually, that would have been really funny. Because also, there wouldn't be enough gravity for everything to be as dangly as it normally is. But then their face would be messed up

because of the lesser gravity. Yeah, yeah, like as you travel through space. Yeah. Dogs in zero gravity, guys. This is the calendar, at least. Basset hands. Like, you know, Floppy dogs in zero gravity.

Droopy dogs. Like, people say, what do you want to do in zero gravity? Everybody always wants to have sex in zero gravity That's a terrible idea It's going to be a disaster You're not going to be able to get any purchase Every thrust is going to drive you apart

If you've seen the movie Gravity Which I haven't I imagine that all becomes abundantly clear It becomes super clear that if you have sex in space Is that what happened? Is that why they got blasted off and yeah because when when george clooney uh climaxed oh he just shot backwards and into you know he sort of he broke the airlock and then shot out of space like that as he just kind of continued to push out matter through his weenie.

But he made it to the Chinese space station, luckily. Oh, thank God. Yeah, just as an asteroid field went. Is that what happens in gravity? Does someone make it to a different space station? They do. They travel between space stations. Have you ruined gravity for me? No. They travel between space stations. Have you ruined gravity

for me? No. Well, maybe. No. Have you ruined gravity for everyone else? Because I don't care. Look, it's not a twist movie. It's not a twist thing at all. The movie itself is about a journey. Right.

Look, I've probably ruined it. Because I wasn't sure what nationality space station they were going to go to. And now I know. I didn't even know the Chinese had a space station. There you go. Yeah. I didn't know either.

Yeah. So, look, I've written down the gravity on Jupiter conversation. I think, I don't know if gravity on Jupiter is a... Andy. Okay. We can just have seven sketches. Okay, great. Yeah. Good. Look, I think that that's fun. Okay, so we've hit rock bottom.

Starting out. Yeah. I'm going to push off into space. Yeah. I think dogs in zero gravity is good. Well, it's dogs in zero gravity is good. Well, it's a good idea for a calendar. Yeah. Sorry.

Oh, is that? I got confused. Yeah. Well, look, we could just do that. We could write down sketch ideas or ideas for calendars. Yeah, okay, good. Or babies in cups. But it could be two guys coming up with ideas for calendars as a sketch.

Right. And he's like, I'd really like to see a Basset Hound in space. And if we could just get him, like, I mean, you could raise money for this. You could get him on one of the Virgin Galactic flights. Yeah. So that once he goes up into space, then you see him floating. And then you just, you also need a photographer. Yeah. And then once he goes up into space, then you see him floating, and then you just... You also need a photographer. Yeah.

And then you just shoot away. Amazing. And then you sell the calendar. The only problem is that dogs in space, like, generally, there's a lot of bad history associated with dogs in space, I think. They poop? Is it the pooping? That's exactly what I'm referring to, the pooping. The pooping.

poop? That's exactly what I'm referring to, the pooping. The pooping. I'm referring to the dog like Laika that was sent

into space and did not come back from space because they were used in the early tests. But we're trying

to reclaim that history. Did they get the ship back? She just missed the flight. It was just, yeah.

I know, but I mean like, did the ship come back but without the dog? I don't know where it went. Or did they just shoot the ship out into space to never come back? Yeah, they just shot it out into space. Well, that's not a bad history.

It's not like the dog caused the ship not to return. No, sorry. I'm not blaming the dogs. I mean, yeah. Sure, we'll feel guilty, but this one we're definitely bringing back because we want to get those photos. That's true. Yeah. All right.

I mean, it's two guys coming up with an idea to make money. Yeah. Okay, that's first of all. Second of all, look, they can crowdfund it. Yeah. You could buy a ticket for this dog, this Basset Hound, through crowdfunding. I have a real feeling that this is the sort of thing

that would take off in crowdfunding. Like, get a Basset Hound. And we'd have pictures of the dog and we'd be like, check out how floppy this dog is. Yeah, super floppy. Could that be a sketch of two guys trying to get a Basset Hound into space through crowdfunding?

I mean, if people have lost interest in space travel, this is... Yes, exactly. This is going to do it, guys. We don't need to... Because it was like, put a man on moon, now put a man on Mars, and then put a man on one of the moons of Jupiter. It was sort of like the trajectory. But that's hugely ambitious. What if it was just like, put a man on the moon, put a man on one of the moons of Jupiter was sort of like the trajectory. But that's hugely ambitious.

What if it was just like, put a man on the moon, put a dog on the moon, put a stick insect on the moon. Plant a tree on the moon. Yeah. Or transplant a tree onto the moon. Do you think, what would happen if we just put a bunch of trees up there? Do you think they would just die?

Yes. Yeah? I mean, what's the most resilient tree? Oh, probably... Weeping willow? Not the weeping willow. No. That's really fleshy leaves.

And also, it just breaks down at even the slightest... Emotionally, it wouldn't be able to handle it. You need something that's good under pressure. That's true. Possibly some kind of... A cactus, yes. They're certainly good with hardship. I think maybe a eucalyptus.

Like a good eucalypt. Yeah, a scrubby eucalypt. Really? Yeah. We can get a gum up there? Yeah, a gum. Maybe a stringy bark. Oh, no, I like one of the ones that... What's the completely bald ones?

No, a ghost gum? A grey gum, yeah. Grey gum? Or a ghost gum, yeah. Oh, man. One day you can come to Tarthra, where my parents live. Don't go to my parents' place, listeners. Don't hurt my parents.

Oh, I shouldn't have given you that idea. Don't hurt my parents. Oh, I shouldn't have given you that idea. People who listen to this part of the podcast are like, I've got to hurt his parents. Finally. Now I know where they live. Someone's listened to 30 episodes of this podcast.

You've given away too much information about yourself. What can I do with this information? I know, I'll hurt his parents. Yeah, look, I don't know if we can get a tree on the moon, but it would be great. Maybe if we had one of those space elevators. Like if the space elevator, we had one of those. You know, they talk about space elevators. Oh, I know, yeah.

Would they talk about putting it on the moon, the top of the elevator? No. No? I think it's just sort of further away, so it's a bit outside Earth's gravity, outside the atmosphere. Yeah. I think it's tethered to the Earth by some kind of carbon nanotube.

Yeah. And the tension, the spinning creates a thing, and you can use it to hoist stuff up there. That's a pretty kind of crazy idea. Cool idea. It's amazing. I mean, I love a regular elevator ride. I can't, I mean, although it does that little, like, that tickle you in the gut thing, I imagine that would go for a long time with a space elevator.

They tickle you in the gut? Yeah, you know, like... You must ride in some pretty fun elevators. No, but you know, because... I think it's they go really fast and they slow down really quickly. Yeah. Losing your tummy. and they slow down really quickly.

Yeah. Losing your tummy. But, yeah, I mean, like, you know, spending time in a space elevator would be awkward. I imagine you'd be in there for a while. Yeah, and just what, like, you wouldn't want to do it with sort of strangers. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. I mean, I guess, like, you could imagine that elevator ride in Willy Wonka. Like, remember that elevator? The great glass elevator? Yeah. That could have been awkward if they... I mean, they didn't know each other that well, and that's probably why Willy sort of lost it. You think he cracked under pressure.

Like, you know, I was like, well, I was just your tour guide there, and then suddenly, all of a sudden, we're just stuck in this elevator together, and no wonder he kind of started going crazy. Does Willy Wonka go crazy? Yeah, I think he kind're just stuck in this elevator together, and no wonder he kind of started going crazy. Does Willy Walker go crazy? Yeah, I think he kind of goes crazy in that elevator ride. That's like in the sequel, right? The Great Glass Elevator one.

Does that happen in the... I think that happens in the first one. I haven't seen it. I didn't know there was a sequel. Doesn't matter. Was it the Squeakquel? Yes. It was quite a bad elevator. Hadn't been oiled in a while.

You know that the Alvin and the Chipmunks sequel was called The Squeakquel? Yes. Okay, that's why. Okay. Yes. Yes. I lose my humor. I really lost my humor on that.

You're questioning me? Yeah. Look, Andy. It's great. No, but it's fine to question me because I do have... There's a certain element of me which is very unintentional. And it's my, you know, I have a stupidity around me. I'm an idiot.

It's fine. It's endearing. I'm not sure that that's true, Alistair. Andy, there's an idiocy to me. All right. Yeah. I'll accept it. All right, look, we've got two sketches so far.

Two great sketches. Two great sketches. They're both about space. I mean, if we could get a space elevator sketch. This is ambitious, right? Yeah. Sketches in space are ambitious. Yeah, absolutely.

And look, we're trying to test the boundaries of what we can do by filming in a warehouse. And, you know, gravity, they filmed that probably in a warehouse or something. I don't know. I know that they filmed scenes in Apollo 13 by flying a plane up into the atmosphere and then flying it back down again so quickly that they could simulate, they were free falling and then simulate zero gravity, which is insane. Apparently you vomit a lot. Yeah, I do. Apparently you vomit a lot.

Sorry, I changed the subject. But I've heard, Alistair, that you're a big puker. Yeah, well, if I eat too much or drink too much or combine the two. I spewed at the wedding the other day. Well, I made myself spew. And it wasn't even that I was that drunk. I was just, I just was so full. Because you know how like humans were just a complicated tube?

This is a Roman orgy thing that you did there. You ate and drank until you were just full and then you vomited and then did you go and eat and drink more? No, I didn't eat anymore. Like I really wanted to try the cheese there because they had these really amazing big blocks of cheese. You know it's a good cheese when it just looks super gross on the outside? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, oh, somebody's just made a good cheese. Like, they just made it.

That's kind of the thing with Blue Vein cheese. It's almost like a so bad it's good kind of thing. Yeah, but it's like... You appreciate it ironically. You're like, oh, this is disgusting. Oh, so hard. Taste so bad it's good kind of thing. Yeah, but it's like... You appreciate it ironically. You're like, oh, this is disgusting. Oh, so hard. Taste how bad it is. It's like somebody left it under the sink.

Who would want to eat this? Hey, guys, check out what I'm doing. I'm eating moldy cheese. It's like I'm going against everything I know about hygiene. I'm eating moldy cheese and I'm watching The Room. Guys, guys, look at me. I'm wearing moldy cheese and I'm watching The Room. Guys, guys, look at me. I'm wearing a tank top. I am steeped in irony.

Irony? Irony? Irony. Irony. Irony. I know, but I had also been steeping in liquid metal. Oh. Irony.

I'm going to make a sequel to iRobot called iRobote. And... I wouldn't... Yeah, I don't know. I haven't seen iRobot, but it's a rowboat that comes to life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Could it be... No, it's just a guy who rows a boat.

And people say, what do you do with yourself? And he says, iRobote. iRobote. Look guy who rows a boat. And people say, what do you do with yourself? And he says, I rowboat. I rowboat. Look, this is a sketch. This is a sketch. Well, no, wait. Your confidence is great. Could it just be that?

So it goes, intro, I rowboat. Right, like that. And then you go, hey, what do you do for a living? And he goes, I goes i rope and then the credits come up then you cut to him paddling his little boat yeah and then credits yeah yeah or it goes to credits because i think that that's like kind of like a punch line in itself yeah and then in the there's like a little box that appears. Up at the side of the credits. Yeah, and you just see him rowing a boat.

Paddling away. Yeah, because you don't want to take it away from the credits. Isaac Asimov's iRowboat. Look, I'm going to call this a micro sketch. Maybe it's awful. Yeah, okay. Micro. Obviously the prefix meaning times 10 to the minus 6.

Okay, so we're saying that's a millionth of a sketch. Yeah, absolutely. I would almost go so far as to call it a nanosketch. Nanosketch. A billionth of a sketch. But what's the one above micro? Millie? Millie, yeah.

It's kind of closer to a millie sketch, really. A millie sketch? Sure. Yeah. It's kind of closer to a Millie sketch. A Millie sketch? Sure. Yeah. It's just not a millionth of a sketch. Yeah. There's probably a laugh in there.

Alistair, if you could have one disease, any disease, okay? Sure. You could have any disease in the world,

what disease would it be? Gout? Good choice. I don't know what it does though I just like the name I have a feeling that your legs might swell up That doesn't sound pleasant

And your neck Yeah, okay Look, I'd like to have a touch of autism Yeah, I think a lot of people romanticise autism Yeah, it's probably not great, is it? Yeah, I think a lot of people romanticize autism. Yeah, it's probably not great, is it? Because we see people who are really good at telling you what day of the week the 2nd of September 1824 was.

And we're like, I could use that. Yeah, look, I don't think it's the right to call it. Is it a disease? Or is it more of like, it's just a different, you've just got to have a different brain, though, isn't it? It's a syndrome, I think. Maybe? I don't know. I don't know what the difference between a disease and a syndrome is. I'll take it back.

I don't want to glorify any of those diseases. I'll find... What about... All right, don't say that. But you don't want to not glorify them as well, I guess. Yeah, that's true. Well, look, that's why I don't want to say there's anything wrong with them. But also, there are some pretty bad cases of... Yeah, it's true. Well, look, that's why I don't want to say there's anything wrong with it. But also, like, there are some pretty bad cases of...

Yeah, it can be challenging. I don't know if there's any really bad cases of a little bit of it. But anyway, okay, wait, how about this? Like, fingernails that grow too fast? Yeah. Is that a disease? I think that is. There are also, like, people like people who like grow fingernails

in the wrong kind of place oh no i don't want that oh okay because then you're yeah no because then you're just getting ingrown fingernails all over the place yeah okay so you but you're just after like like hyper growth is what about super healing are we talking about super super healing that's it yeah that's a disease. Yeah, good. That's a correct answer, Alistair. You have super healing. Yeah. And you can read minds.

Poor guy. Yeah. Look, I think there would have been somebody in the Marvel Universe who at some point was telling the mutants that what they had was a disease. That's true. That there's something wrong with them. Even though it's a superpower. It's a genetic abnormality.

And it's true. Earlier on, when I said you can have any disease in the world, I meant the Marvel world. From the Marvel world. The Marvel universe. Well, great. Well, then I will take the one. You know what would suck?

To have Rogue's superpower. You know, Rogue where she can absorb other people's powers. I mean, she can also absorb other people's energy. But being the only mutant in the world, and so there's like nobody's great powers that you can absorb. And all you can really do is sort of suck the life out of a conversation. Yeah, and not touch anybody. Oh, suck the life out of a conversation. That, and not touch anybody. Oh, suck the life out of a conversation.

That's a superpower. That's fun. But then, like, can you then use that life for other things? Like, say you can suck the life out of a conversation and then put that life into a tree or something

and then the tree can really just wax lyrical about politics for a few moments. Look, I don't know if that's possible. Oh. Oh, well, maybe. Why did I just say that? I don't think that's possible. I don't think that's possible.

But I was talking about Rogue, but I don't think that we can do that, Andy. Because trees can't talk. Can we have someone in like a science fiction convention or something who's just like, when they're asked questions about science fiction, and be like, I don't think that's, I don't think they could do that. I don't see how, would the planes stay in the, I don't see how you would have that power of being able to fly.

Even with technology, I mean, there'd be limitations in terms of the amount of energy that you could carry on you. But I think the point is that this person has to have been like the creator of some kind of a universe or something. They have to have a reason to think that that person would

believe in everything that they're saying, right? Yeah. I was just picturing a realist at a sci-fi conference. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why did you come here to ruin everybody's fun? But do you think there's branches of sci-fi fans like that, that there's the people who only like stuff that could potentially become true? Yeah. And then there's the people who only like stuff that could potentially become true.

And then there's some people who... Well, maybe that's where you draw the line between science fiction and fantasy. Yeah. And actually, to a certain extent, I am one of those people. Yeah. And I don't like things that say that they're science fiction, but then they're indistinguishable from magic. You know, like Doctor Who has a lot of that going on, and it winds me up no end.

Yeah. Well, I don't think anybody likes Doctor Who anyway. Oh, good. Yeah. So you don't have to feel bad. It seems to be, you know, it's just a floating phase, a passing phase that nobody seems to be interested at all. Good.

Yeah. So don't feel bad. I'm sure it's just going to disappear any moment. There's no one out there to disagree with me. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Science fiction convention.

Yeah. Okay. A guy has written a book or a graphic novel. Yeah, sure. And in that book, right? Yes. He has a whole lot of stuff, wait. Yep.

That either already exists... You're witnessing the painful birth of an idea, Alistair. Andy, you're doing it. It's fine. A guy, his wife is giving birth, right? And it's taking ages and he's like... Just being really sarcastic about how long it's taking her. Tapping his watch. Honey, we've got... Okay, so he's describing all the amazing stuff

that happens in his book, right? And it's all stuff that already exists. It's like, you know, a bread machine or landline phones. Or he's describing this super fantastical sort of sci-fi universe from the future, right? You know, things like... And then he hovers over the 2,000-story buildings, looking down at the floating roads. Yeah.

And as he goes past the building, he grazes his arm, but it heals over super fast because of some... Oh, wait, no, that wouldn't really work. That wouldn't really be possible. But just because blood clotting, there's no way of speeding that up. Yeah. From what medical science... Oh, you know what? Never mind.

No, no. Okay, but he's floating there on... Well, I guess he's on a wire or... Okay, he's on a cherry picker. And, I mean, 2,000 stories high. That sounds really high. I mean, what kind of material would you make the base out of? Like concrete?

But I think there's probably limitations to concrete. Bricks? Wood? I like the idea that Dan, after that... What about straw? He goes and just pulls... Like, he's giving a talk. Yeah, he just takes it.

Takes all of the books off the shelf. He goes, I'm sorry, guys, I'm packing up. This is ridiculous. That's really good. I think that's great. He was rolling down the poster. Or like even someone in the audience asks the first question. Like, in this universe, how does the super healing work?

Are you using a kind of a biological element? Or is this a kind of like a mechanized nanorobot style of healing that you're picturing to achieve the super healing? He's like, um, yeah, I never really thought about it. I suppose it's, um, I pictured it would be, uh, you know, I've got no idea. You know, I've got no idea. Like, it seems... I mean, that's impossible, right? That's ridiculous. Who would... Oh, my God.

I didn't realize how implausible this all was. I feel so embarrassed. I'm so... Everyone, avert your gaze. And then he just starts taking it up, packing it in a coal's bag, and then he leaves. And I'm pict starts taking it up. Yeah. Packing it in a coal's bag. And then he leaves.

And I'm picturing somebody who's like the size of... Who's the Game of Thrones guy? Yeah. George R.R. Martin. Yeah. Oh, the double R's. They love a double R. His RR must be an homage to J.R.R. It's got to be.

Token. Right? I mean, how that guy could I mean look it's probably super obvious to people who like him but how that guy could

be who he is without being aware of Tolkien I don't know so if he is unaware of Tolkien

he's going to be very embarrassed when somebody points it out to him. Oh, no. Everyone like this whole time has just been like, do you think he knows? I don't want to say anything to him because I think he might react badly. It's basically the same thing. Yours is just more gruesome. And longer. Longer.

And makes better TV. And also, you spend less time just describing trees. They don't eat as, they don't fetishize food as much. Does Tolkien fetishize food? It feels like it. I haven't read it. But I've just heard that it's really kind of...

Oh, yeah, all the characters are constantly just fucking cakes. Yeah? Yeah. It's just like... It's just... And when they emerged from the forests of Galadriel, they fucked a cake. Frodo put his dick in a steam bun.

And then an upside down pineapple cake appeared And the ants all climbed on it And thrust away the Huge branches grinding against the ground Okay So I've written down sci-fi guy packing up shop after realizing it's improbable. Yeah, great. I've really insulted your intelligence with this book.

I am so sorry, world. I've always liked this as a sentence. I'd like to use it in some thing. I've always wanted to hear it. Good. It would be, it was so bad that it went beyond insulting my intelligence and started to insult my stupidity.

That is really good. Thank you. Can we put it in the sketch show? Yeah. Yeah, we can. Yeah? Because you see, I have a natural idiocy to me. Yo!

And I feel like it could be based on something like that that I say. Yeah, and I can say that to you. Yeah, I could say something like... Coming up with five things to say to each other. Alright. Okay, what's five things... Okay, let's try to come up...

Try to say the stupidest thing you can. The stupidest thing that I can say. Okay, let's just to come up, try to say the stupidest thing you can. The stupidest thing that I can say. Okay, let's just have a back and forth. A quick, like, we'll try to just do a quick so that we don't have to reflect on it too much. Okay, half past Tuesday is my favorite color. Is that stupid? Yeah, it's kind of stupid, but it's also like, it's thought through. Oh, interesting in an abstract way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Beethoven is good. I like nice things. Yeah? Yeah, I'm just copying your style there. That's completely fine. Um. Oh.

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Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Feel... bored... in in my head. My parents love me and you should love me too. Is this real? Okay, wait. I forget what dumb is.

Yeah. Say something really dumb. I mean, because we're constantly trying to make ourselves seem smart. Yeah, this is completely opposed to... Although, I think that's a lot of my things that I do in stand-up these days is saying something that is clearly wrong. Yeah, right. Such as? these days is saying something that is clearly wrong yeah right such as uh i i have a well now i'm trying to do this deadly sins one which is what are the what are the seven deadly sins uh

wrath envy uh uh gluttony uh bashful uh happy uh Prancer, Dancer, and Ringo. Yeah, that's really good. But look, okay, where could we use this, you're so stupid, that is so stupid, it's insulted, it's gone beyond insulting my intelligence and on to insulting my stupidity. Like you said, I feel like maybe it's someone would have to be talking to someone really powerful, like talking to the president or something.

Yeah. Or somebody is actually giving either an opinionated thing. They've had to make a risk. They sort of had to risk putting themselves out there a little bit, you know? Yeah. Sort of like if you give your opinion on a book or on music or something like that. Because then it's like, am I right? It's like, oh, is this okay?

Or it's somebody giving a talk at a science conference and the data has shown... What about it's two people sitting in front of each other, right? Talking, so they're on a sort of a discussion show, right? And there's two really intelligent, intelligent, intelligent people, like the greatest thinkers of our generation. Noam Chomsky and Richard Dawkins are are sitting there not them but characters like them uh are sitting there and talking about something and they're just everything they say just goes to like the next

level of just like uh put down and da da da um but maybe even they're talking about something really mundane, though, as well, like what they're going to have for lunch. Okay, so we've got the leading thinkers of the world, and then they're trying to solve one of the biggest problems of all time, which is what should we have for lunch? Chips or salad. Yeah. I think that would be fun to see. Yeah. So Chomsky would be great because this would be, because so many things seem beneath him when he talks.

Like if you, I've seen a few things where they like, they've tried to, like, add a little humor or, like. Really? Yeah, they go, like, oh, somebody, I think when he was here in Melbourne, somebody tried to add, like, a bit of, like, Sydney-Melbourne rivalry. Yeah. In there. And he's just. He's just so not interested. Yeah, whatever.

Like, I don't give a shit at all. And. What a great surname. Chompski. Chompski. Yeah. Sounds like a good... Sounds like a good burger place.

Yeah, Chompski. No, I'm Chompskis. Yeah. Num, num, num, num Chompskis. Chompski num nums. Chompski num nums. All right, look, I feel like this is a dead end. Okay, sure.

We gotta move out Okay Cause or else We're getting trapped Okay sure So we can't have the mundane debate Um We can

But it needs more Yeah Yeah And we're not gonna get it right now Yeah Okay good So let's just pull out Okay what about this

Uh Like roadside stalls You know those roadside stalls Where you go down And like somebody's selling Like uh Strawberries By the side of the road Okay strawberries by the side of the road, okay? Person by the side of the road,

they're not selling strawberries, all right? They're selling iPhones. They're selling, by the punnets. Steaks. Steak. Like roadside steaks. It's unrefrigerated steaks. It's just sitting there, like in Asia.

Oh, so it's Asia. No, no, no. It's just Asian style refrigeration like a lot of places like you go to markets and stuff like that in in asia yeah and instead of refrigerating the fish and things like that they've just got like a a motorized fly swatter over the things that's just spinning over them. Instead of refrigerating it, what we do is we don't refrigerate it. We've come up with an alternative to refrigeration, which is meat going off. I think I've

solved the refrigeration crisis. I've invented this great new thing. It's rot. It's dysentery. But this is not me insulting you. This is going to take the place. Also, the meat is just fresh enough To handle it

It can handle it It's got a high tolerance for rot I mean like fresh meat Does have a high tolerance for rot Old meat no No tolerance no rot tolerance Okay Hawker style

Door to door Door to door stuff Okay. Hawker style. Yeah. Door-to-door? Mm-hmm. Door-to-door stuff? No, like, isn't, like, hawker style is what they talk about when you've got that kind of street food. Yeah, right. Okay. Like Singapore hawker style. Oh, right.

Or something like that. Yeah, I didn't know that. No? That's cool. I'm probably wrong. That's probably why you didn't know it. Well, you know, it says, like, on, like, you go to, like, it says no solicitors or hawkers. Yeah.

You know, on doors and, you go to like, it says no solicitors or hawkers. Yeah. You know, on doors and when you go into places sometimes. Hawker sounds like someone who's just going to come in and spit on your floor, doesn't it?

Is that how they spell like a hawk and up a loogie? I think so, yeah. I always imagine hawking like H-O-C-K. Hawk. Hawk. But like,

I feel like the sound that you make would be more like a hawk than a hawk. Like a hawk. Hawk. But I feel like the sound that you'd make would be more like a hawk than a hawk. Like a hawk. Yeah. Maybe. Anyway. Yeah.

Hawker style. Something that isn't hawking. Classic sketch format. Trees. Full-size trees. Oh, no. Is this... Okay. No. No. No.sized trees. Oh, no. No.

Plums. Oh, no. You'd hawk a plum. Oh, you'd hawk a plum. Okay. Light bulbs. Yeah. Slave trade. Sorry. Cars. The obvious thing is accountancy or something,

you know, they're just doing it there, like in a sort of a market style. What about a, yeah, that's good. Market style accountancy. Yeah.

And the accounts have all got a little rotating fly swat over their head to keep the flies off. Yeah. I was picturing a guy selling a sheep, just one sheep, but in a, but in a mall. Okay. Yeah. What about market style selling in a mall so it's just a it's just he's got an empty like he's had to rent out this this sort of like uh retail space yeah and

a guy's bought us like a cattle yard yeah and he's in between a suprise and a dick smith electronics yeah and he's yeah and he's just kind of got got like just a bunch of sheep in there and maybe some cattle. But are people like sort of impulse buying like cows? Yeah. And he's just standing there. He's got a foot on a log. And, you know, he's probably got something, you know. Does he have a genius bar up the back where you can take your cow if there's something wrong with it?

My cow doesn't work. Yes. Yeah. And the genius behind the bar is like chewing a bit of grass. Absolutely. And he's like, she's got utter rot. And then he takes her out the back. Yeah.

And he just cleans it up for you. I don't know no okay wait roadside accountant let's go back let's have a look yeah roadside roadside accountancy you go you're driving down you see someone there doing it is it like an honesty system but the uh but the accountant's like trying to do it because the thing with these things is they're all like cash in hand like off the books so the accountant's trying to do it, because the thing with these things is they're all like cash in hand, like off the books. So the accountant's trying to do it like off the books. Yeah. Under, under, under.

Oh, no. Wait. Can't do that. Why? Because Hamish and Andy had a sketch about accountants like working in alleyways. Oh. Yeah. Well, we've got to pick a less.

On real stories. We've got to pick a less comedically rich profession. Such as accountancy. Yeah. Yeah, you're absolutely right, Alistair. Architect. Business management consultant. Well, now it just feels like a Hamish and Angie sketch.

Andy, what about this? We go on a tour around Britain in a van. And we just do wacky things in each town. So wacky. I hope Hamish and Andy haven't done that. They have. We get a morning radio show. Two guys.

They're just kind of naturally funny. They don't have to do stand-up or anything. They just are naturally funny they don't have to do stand up or anything they just are naturally funny and we get people enjoy listening to them yeah and we get one of the biggest radio shows

in Australia and we get millions of dollars a year yeah and then we just stop and then we get the same amount of money for doing one day a week

is that what they did I think so something like that oh my god that's a pretty good deal it might not be exactly the same money but I think it's a lot of money.

Okay. A lot of money. Shoe selling things by the side of the road let's maybe move on. Okay. How about this?

Humans get a chance to it's like you know like what's that transhumanism? Yeah. So it's like look this is brand new.

It used to be, because one time I saw these, like, transhumanists that were, you know, trying to, you know, surpass, you know, some people do it with cyborg-y type stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then I saw one guy who had just, like, sewn sort of like a bird's wings to his back. Oh, really? Really? Yeah. It's like? Really? Yeah. It's like a guy...

Yeah, okay, so I'm picturing a guy like surpassing humanity, but he's just like got a bucket like attached to his arm. He's like... Because he always need a bucket. Yeah. Or sometimes.

Yeah, but he's actually got his hand cut off. Replaced with a bucket. Yeah. Yeah, like, and then he's had... Like, he's just... And hand cut off. Replaced with a bucket. Yeah. And then he's had... And it's not like the bucket... Oh, maybe it could be like that. But I imagine it's like he's had a hole put in through his arm.

Yeah. Hand taken off. And then the bucket's just always... Dangling there. Dangling. Because I was just sick of just needing a bucket and not having one. Yeah. Okay?

And now I've transcended. You know, I'm on the next level of humanity. It's inevitable. Okay? We're all going to be doing it. I'm just slightly ahead of the curve. Like, yeah. And then some people could just get like, look, you want to become a better person?

How about a hat? But it's funny now that we feel like this is the point at which now if we if we start we've got the technology where if we start adding this technology to our bodies then we'll trans you know we'll be transhuman right but like at no other point in the development of technology could you say that right like so like never it wasn't like when they invented uh bronze somebody was like well if i just get a big lump of bronze attached to my arm, I'll transcend humanity. Or when they invented the crop rotator, which I don't know what it is. But a guy was like, I'm going to have my legs replaced with a crop rotator. I'm going to get rid of my arms and put these bull reins like that

for attaching a plow to a bull. Yeah. But you just get your arms replaced with this kind of bit of leather rope. Yeah. And then at any time, but with one of those big kind of toilet seat neck things that you put around a bull.

And then so you've just got that on all times. And it's like anytime you need somebody to stand behind a bull on a piece of wood. I your guy okay see yeah i really like maybe there's there's sort of two options that we can do there right guy who gets a bucket and just in the modern day but also i like the idea of like a history of transhumanism or something like that where we go back in time we look at people from the past who have tried to transcend humanism by getting a chair sewn onto their bum. Yeah. Carl Pilkington tried to do something like that where he tried to sell these pants online that had a pillow sewed into the ass part.

It's kind of like one of those airline neck pillows. Yeah. So that when you're traveling, you can just sit down anywhere, right? And then you can unzip the pants, and then you can put it around your neck. Like that. Oh, a traveling pants. A pants humanist. Transhuman pants.

Bucket hand. Bucket hand. Or like... Or like a shop where somebody's like, you know, like people go in, they go, I want to be a transhumanist, but I don't know sort of what direction to go in. What are my options? But I'm scared of technology. Yeah.

Yeah. And then they go, well, like, you know, so what do you like? And they're like, ah, look, I... Yeah. Or it's just like a question of money, you know? Yeah. Like they can't afford to have the microchip implanted into their temple. Yeah.

So instead they go with the with just the knife thumb, the pen in your finger. Just like, you know, some lower budget stuff, we could sort of go some, you know, kind of like, you know, old Inspector Gadget? We kind of got a few things like that. We got the pen, the finger, you can sort of twist the top off and

you can keep a shot of whiskey in there if you want. Or the propeller that comes out of your hat. It's not functional at the moment. I mean, you can't afford functional. No moving parts. I can't really afford moving parts.

Okay, that's great. We still have plenty of options for the low budget. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, then we can just remove a leg and put a bit of wood there. Like a wooden leg. A wooden leg. Yeah. Just a peg leg.

And they'll be like, oh, okay, so what does that allow me to do? Oh, you'll be able to do all sorts of stuff. You'll be able to stand up. You'll be able to lean against things. You'll be able to struggle upstairs and make a loud clicking noise when you walk, which humanity up until this point hasn't really been able to do. But you'll also be able to sleep soundly the knowledge

that you've gone beyond humanity. Surpassed. Surpassed humanity. Your fellow man. Yeah. You're a trailblazer. That's sort of like how people feel about having iPhones, isn't it? Yeah.

I am better than anyone who has lived before. You probably are. I think so. You probably are. I think so. You probably are. I mean, old people. Look, we've got five. We said we would kind of try to get six at least just because of the first one.

Yeah, and some of the middle ones. We have a couple of flimos today. What's the time? 9.36. Okay. All right, so let's just talk. Yeah, and just as a reminder also, don't hurt my parents Great, so okay

Andy, how are you today? I'm quite good I was babysitting a cat last night Oh yeah? Had a cat in my room Oh really? Yeah Hello

Yeah, yep Is what I said to the person when they dropped off the cat. Yeah. Just whistling. How did it go with the cat? Sorry. Something about sheepdog trials. Yeah.

Where those guys are whistling and making all those clicking noises and stuff. And somebody thinks they're being really suggestive. Anyway. You're talking to me? You're hitting on me? Anyway, that's fine. Can that be a little sketch? We can have a couple of Millie sketches today

where one of those guys is doing that, and then somebody just walks up to them and goes, sorry, are you hitting on me? Yeah. Good. Great. Yeah, so had the cat, right? And it's interesting having an animal in your room.

You bet. Because it just does animal stuff. Like it just goes around and explores and like gets into all the difficult to get to places. And makes noises and scratches on things. Did it destroy anything? Oh, the tranquility. Definitely pushed over the tranquility and damaged that. Yeah, that's about it.

I've recently had some quite great experiences with animals. Well, I've had two encounters with cats, one quite young and one quite fat and old. The whole scale, from young to fat. From young to fat. I mean, that's the human scale. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yet, I was able to transfer to cats. Yes.

And I know scientists say we should stop trying to put these human qualities on animals. But it's so difficult, you know, because that's how I see cats, either young or fat. And both of them. Chow, young, fat. I think I'm really good at scratching cats in a way that they like it. Really? Because they'll run away from me right at the beginning. Yeah, but as soon as you get your hands on them...

Man, I think it's a butt scratch. I think it's the butt scratch that... Like, you know, they talk about dog whisperers. Yeah. And cat whisperers and horse whisperers. What are you doing whispering at these guys? I think it's just that's a misnomer.

They're actually just horse butt scratchers and dog butt scratchers because that's the secret to taming an animal. But the title Dog Butt Scratcher The Dog Butt Scratcher

or The Horse Butt Scratcher as a film Dog butt scratcher. Yeah. The dog butt scratcher or the horse butt scratcher. Yeah. As a film. Yeah. But, you know, it's more sort of manly. It was a very manly profession to break in a dog, break in a horse, you know. Yeah. A wolf or something like that.

A turtle. A turtle, you know. You've got to break his spirit. Yeah. Before he'll bend to your will. Yeah, you've got to teach him who's boss. And there's one way of doing that is you can hurt him really badly. Show him that no matter what he does, you will always win.

And so then he'll stop trying. This is how you show someone who's boss. Yeah, yeah. There you go. Now, this is the boss's office, but I'll show you who it is in this very unusual way. Let me get my beating wand. Or you can scratch the horse's butt. Ass.

Sorry, this is separate from what I was just saying about being in the office there. I was talking about the other way of breaking in the horse or dog is to scratch their ass. How can we turn that into a sketch? You've got to put that thing away. Okay, sorry. My phone was ringing, everybody. Yeah. Okay, can we have a sketch where someone's phone keeps ringing?

Yeah. At an inappropriate time. Is it that it's a guy who is breaking in animals and he's trying to talk about how he does it? Yeah. But his phone keeps ringing

and he keeps getting distracted. Yes. How about this? It's a whole thing of people being interviewed about their professions. Yes. But they're just constantly being interrupted by their phone and they're checking Facebook and checking messages

that they're receiving and things like that. And we're getting nowhere and it just leaves the audience with a sadness. That's quite an interesting thing to see. It's like when you're out to dinner or whatever and people are constantly checking their phones and having those conversations if that was it was like that on a chat show so they're like that's just like we just have a little glimpse of like something like an enough rope okay but everybody's got their phones so uh they're constantly having to just sorry do you mind if i take this and i just need to send a text message and uh i just got a notification

i think that's a sketch yeah well yeah i think you could have it just as like because because the idea of uh you're interviewing people as a character piece you're trying to find out who they are and and what their profession and stuff and they're just constantly yeah getting distracted and so i think if you're if you're doing the host as well as doing it and things like that like it's one of those ones where you don't see the host because I think with the host doing it as well, it's just going to be too much. You've got to have that subtle

you know, that subtleness to it. It's a, yeah. You know what I mean? It's just one person doing it. Okay. Alright. Because you didn't even bother editing it out. You know what I mean? Yeah. That doesn't feel like it's as much of a concept as mine, though.

Mine's more of a concept. Yours is just a thing happening. Yeah, I know, but it happens multiple times. Okay. Yeah. You know, so you do a couple other people, and they're all just checking your phone, and you don't get anything out of them.

Okay, so it's like maybe we're're going around Australia and we're meeting all these interesting people. Yeah. And like every clip they get, yeah, they're distracted by their phone. Yeah. Okay, great. And then like some of the humour comes from the sort of, you know, the weird thing where they start talking but they haven't really got their train of thought because they're

kind of, and they go kind of... Anyway, so... What I do is... Sorry, do you mind? I just need to send another message. But, sorry, just a sec. Like, yeah, it's just... It's subtle as, but you don't get anything out of them. Yeah.

Subtle as. Subtle as. It's like our version of beached as, but it's subtle as. Yeah, that's our style, Andy. It's not so in your face. It's not super punchy. Yeah.

Sometimes it is, you know. But this one, subtle as. Okay, so try and check it. This is a... Okay, Angie, you've got to fill while I write this down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like a guy who's doing mixed martial arts, okay? And he's... But he's really subtle.

He's not super punchy, okay? He's an artist, okay? He's quite a retiring type. He's not in your face, definitely not in your face. He's more sort of in your torso. And he's just a really nice guy. And you barely even notice that you're in a no-gloves cage fight with him. It's a pleasant experience.

Thank you. Oh, great. Good fill. Thanks. Good, clean fill. There's nothing, like, nothing makes you. Oh, great. Good fill. Thanks. Good clean fill. There's nothing, like nothing makes you feel like, it's like something like a real estate agent you would expect from a real estate agent is like them constantly checking your phone and kind of like agreeing with you confidently.

Yeah. And they make you go, you fucking wanker. Like, oh, you know who else is like that? Recruiters. Yeah. wanker. Like, oh, you know who else is like that? Recruiters. Yeah? Recruiters will just like, because, because they're,

they're constantly interviewing people, you know, but, but they've kind of got this thing like where they're, I don't know, they seem like they're always on coke. You know, and so they're kind of like,

they're slightly distracted and they're like, you know, they're flicking their pen and going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, like that and listening to things and then, and then, and then, you know, checking their phone and shit like that.

Real estate agents. And recruiters. Empty people. Just husks of humans. Just success on its completely most shallow form. We'll do some stuff with that next podcast. You think so? Yeah, we'll come back to recruiters and real estate agents. Great.

At least now we have an enemy. Yeah. Because you know, sometimes, Andy, when I start hating people, I realize, oh, there's no point hating anybody. But then you remember. But then I remember real estate agents and recruiters. As long as I don't meet one that doesn't fit my stereotype. Man, you've got to

make sure that you don't get out there and you don't meet people. Yeah. Because that could be fleeting. A really good person to hate, and that's a precious thing. You've got to hold on to that. Okay? And you've got to keep them as far away from you as possible so that reality doesn't destroy. Absolutely.

Don't let reality destroy your hate. Like if you find the one, okay, you find someone that you love, right, you've got to hold them close. Okay? Absolutely. And you've got to not let them go. Yeah. But if you find someone that you really, really hate,

you've got to keep those guys at arm's length. As far away as possible. Yeah, because if you find out even one thing that humanizes them, that's it. You're not going to be able to hate them. It's brutal. That's a good moral to leave on, Andy. So I'll just go through quickly the things that we've come up

with today. We've got the space tourists that are doing the sort of talking about the gravity on Jupiter. It's like, I just thought that there would be less gravity here. I didn't really dress for the gravity here. Yeah.

They're wearing a lot of dangly, heavy amulets. Yeah. And sort of their saggy skin. It's sagging. It's sagging. More than they expected. We got two guys get a basset hound into space through a crowdfunding campaign for a calendar.

You know, that's pretty good. We got the micro sketch, which I think is really more of a milli sketch. Yeah. It's Iroboat. And it's Isaac Asimov. It's a tiny thing. Goes in.

What do you do for a job? Iroboat. Da da da da da da da. Yeah. I don't know. The theme from MASH. But that's over the credits. And then in the credits you see a little thing of him

rowing a boat. We got the sci-fi guy, the writer, who's packing up shop after realizing how implausible his book yes yeah I think that's really fun yeah we got transhumanism we've got a history of transhumanism so we could talk about like you know there's that guy at MIT who's like a he was like the world's first cyborg because he's like a dyslexic and he's blow-up I've done all these things this is an actual guy because he's a dyslexic yeah he's done it because he's a dyslexic and he's found a way

of having all information given to him that fixes his dyslexia. That's amazing. And he can type in a certain way that works and blah, blah, blah.

And he's got chips in him and all that kind of stuff. Chips. But then he can go through the history of the transhumanism. We have a guy who had a bucket attached to his hand.

Maybe the guy who just had a rock. who just sewed a horse to his crotch. Then we got the sheepdog competition where the sheepdog owner, the farmer, is kind of clicking and whistling. And then somebody in the crowd just walks up to him because they think, are you hitting on me? Yeah. Guy who doesn't read signals very well. Yeah. And then we got

the phone checking which of these characters are being interviewed. Can we have the same guy later on like there's a bird whistling in a tree or something?

Yeah. He's like are you? I think that bird's coming on to me. And then what's another one? What's another thing that whistles? Kettles.

A kettle. Okay? Also, kettle? It's a kettle. Also, referee? Yes. Good. Yeah.

And he gets out a red card for somebody and he goes, is that for me? Yeah. Beautiful. My favorite color. Oh, you shouldn't have. I like your outfit. Oh, it seems very formal. Those vertical stripes are very slimming.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Then we got the phone checking, which is the characters are being interviewed about their interesting jobs, but they're constantly getting distracted by their jobs and you get nothing out of them. And the joke is almost that there's hardly any joke at all. But that there's...

That how disgusting they are as people overpowers the interestingness of their job. Yeah. Like it could be like a Dalai Lama. It doesn't matter who you are. Yeah, it doesn't matter who you are. Mother Teresa. Yeah, if you're getting distracted constantly,

you are a fuckwit. Bearing in mind that this happens to me all the time. Yeah, it happens to me too. I'm thinking about my phone right now. Yeah. I've got like six messages while we've been doing this podcast, and it is killing me. And understand how it makes you appear.

Yeah. Yeah. I do. Anyway. So. Thanks for listening guys Thanks a lot Look We got some fun stuff out. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those.

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