Simple Swedish Podcast - 311 - "SUBATOMIC BIGOT"

Episode Date: November 4, 2021

If you're able to chip into the Stupid Old Studios moving fund that is here, and we thank you, deeply.60 Second Family, Swallowed Razor Surgery, Babe Howser MD, Floppy Disk Punk, The Untanglers, Tanglestorm, Subatomic Bigot, Podcasting Jacket, Mouth HuntersYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastJoin the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereIndiscriminate thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Death is in our air. This year's most anticipated series, FX's Shogun, only on Disney+. We live and we die. We control nothing beyond that. An epic saga based on the global best-selling novel by James Clavel. To show your true heart is to risk your life.

When I die here, you'll never leave Japan alive. FX's Shogun, a new original series streaming February 27th exclusively on Disney+. 18 plus subscription required. T's and C's apply. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George William Tromley-Britual, realizing I hadn't written down the name of the podcast at the top of our pad. So now, while we made beautiful music, and now it says, To Think in the Tank.

To Think in the Tank, or not to think in the tank. Alistair, one of the things I love about you is that you insist on writing the name of the podcast at the top of every single pad. And I love that it delays the start of every podcast by a good two seconds. Two seconds that I could be using for all sorts of other things because that's how highly productive I am.

Think about this. Two seconds every week. That's over the course of a year. That is 104 seconds that you could be using to raise one of your children maybe tell them that's right maybe tell them don't do drugs or something like that well i mean all this information they're missing out on that's yeah that's one uh one and uh two-thirds minutes that you know that's when i would be telling them that i i'm proud of them and i love them i'd allocated that time for that and and now that's just not going to get done.

And who knows how they're going to grow up. Do you think if you, you know how like some parents allow their children to drink alcohol or do drugs with them? I'd rather them try it with me than to be out there, you know, with God knows who smoking crack. Same with sort of bare-knuckle fist fighting. I'd rather they do it with me.

Yeah, well, don't you think that at your kid's age where they're still kind of scared of a lot of things, that maybe an experience with a drug at this point, you could say, now we're about to do drugs, kids, right? And you get them to do a drug and it feels so weird and it feels so foreign to them that they might be so scared by it scary because they're all under five right they're all under five right yep yep so don't you think that would be a good way to just nip it in the bud i think you're absolutely right and you know yes they're already so scared of everything they're so fragile at this age i'd probably have to give them a lot less drugs it would

be cheaper for you the same level of scaring them straight it would be that would be cheaper for me in the long run and i like this a lot alair. And you know how there was those people who do like the four-hour work week? Yeah. What I'm going to do is like the six-month parenting. Yeah, 60-minute parenting. Yeah. But I don't know if that's like 60 minutes a week or if that's just 60 minutes really early on when they're like three years old

and you give teach them so many big lessons in that time that it then you can just coast yeah because what's the big things that you need to keep them away from drugs yes gosh forbid that they uh the the alt-right okay yeah so then how would we scare them from that we show them what it's like to be alt-right for a second we show them that video of richard spencer getting punched in the head yeah yeah that seemed to it seemed to have an effect for a while. It certainly had an effect on Richard Spencer's public profile. Yeah. That's true.

Is a lot of the appeal of people on the alt-right that everybody assumes that they're immune to head punches? Yeah. We have to prove individually, one by one, that they, like everyone else, don't have a natural immunity to head punches. If they were thinking that they were going to get if they were thinking that they were going to get punched in the head why would they do their hair so nice yeah that's true you know so worth worth thinking about yeah hitler had a real um real floppy fringe didn't he i think so yeah i haven't actually watched that much about that fringe, didn't he? I think so, yeah. I haven't actually watched that much. We don't talk about that enough. Has there been a documentary on Hitler's fringe?

Yeah, I mean, there must be at least. Somebody contact SBS. I mean, yeah, there must be because it feels like there's stuff on every aspect and maybe even Hitler's hairdresser. Yes, that's right. There's probably somebody out there right now who knows that their great-grandfather or their grandfather was Hitler's barber or something.

Who did trim the moustache. Oh, yeah, you think? Yeah, I guess. It must be difficult once you have such a public moustache to try to keep it in yeah i think we could probably investigate but i strongly suspect that you know the when you become a dictator the facial hair that you have when you become a dictator gets locked in place you look at look at Fidel Castro, that beard. Yeah. Okay. You look at, I think Stalin's mustache was probably pretty defined. I think it's part of like, you change your facial hair, people start to think, if he'd made a mistake about that mustache, what else is he wrong about?

You know, Mugabe. Mugabe had like, kind of like a Hitler mustache, but it was all in the indentation. Yeah, it was buried there in the gully. Yeah, what's that called? That's not the... The philtrum? The philtrum. Is that the philtrum?

It's either the philtrum or the uvula. Do you think the uvula would sit actually quite nicely in the philtrum? It's weird, isn't it? It's like yeah a little area where that was for instead of being like a weird um storm water drain for snot um it could be a place where you could lay say a fallen uvula you know say somebody say your my son my son so i've got identical twin sons one of them doesn't have a uvula what it's one of the ways you can tell them apart how strange is that no uvula no uvula there's just a void there's a gap interesting do you think that says anything about their character don't tell me which one one of them i don't one of them does very act a lot more uvula than the other and i always struggle to put my finger on it the uvula that is because it's at

the back of the throat and in the case of one of them it doesn't exist and if you do lay a figure on it they vomit god's forbidden fruit the uvula not meant to be touched do you think somebody's actually stolen it do you think have you checked the other ones um the other ones uh fault room um fulcrum yeah well i think fulcrum uh that's where you can balance them in order to create a good leverage effect uh filtiltrum, filtrum. No, I haven't, but I think maybe the uvula is one of those body parts that you could steal without people noticing. And if you did want to build a new man,

you would probably have to build him out of appendices and uvulae. Well, but then there's also other bits. Like there's definitely some skin that you could... there's a lot of skin that you could take and and keep people alive yeah sure but they would notice sure people would i mean i think there's a chance people would notice their appendices and uvula are gone But the important thing is that you're keeping another, you're creating two people out of one person. We know that somebody can live with just half a hemisphere. I think.

Just one hemisphere of the brain. Of the brain. Yeah. That's true. So you take the other hemisphere, give it to another brain. And now you just need a brainstem. Yeah. That's true. So, you take the other hemisphere, give it to another brain. Now you just need a brain stem. Yeah, that's all you need.

You need to find somebody who was born with two brain stems. And that's the lizard brain. So, you could probably just get that from a lizard. There you go. Take the brain, the stem from some old lizard. Take the uvula from one of my twins. Is this a song? Yeah.

Take the legs off some old table. Is that a song? Legs off some old table? Yeah. Yeah. So is the four-hour parenting week or the 60-second, 60-minute parenting? I did 60-minute parenting. I think that's a sketch idea.

Yeah. It's mostly early terror. Now, while you were talking about people would notice if their appendix was gone, I think that now that we've perfected the technique of keyhole surgery, which is where you can go in through an existing orifice,

potentially, or just make a very, very small incision, take something out and leave barely a scratch. Now you want to move on to key card surgery where you just hold a card on the outside of their body yeah great and then you wait for it to beep and then the thing is just gone i look you know the way we've got you know how you can um put a magnet under a table and then you can move a paper clip around on the top? What I want is I want to get people to be able to swallow a razor blade.

Yeah. Okay? And then I use a series of big magnets placed outside their body to snip and chop my way through the things that I need to snip and chop inside. Sort of like a safari adventurer making their way through the jungle. Yes. I hack my way through. So this is the thing. There's no external scarring or damage.

The inside is a real mess. Shredded. You're like an elephant passing through the passing through a village made of reed huts cutting a suede but no uh no no signs of uh of entry yeah um no cosmetic damage yeah it's a real real sort of no no it's not a real trojan horse scenario somebody left this giant gun outside of our city we should we should bring it in

We should bring it in. Alistair. Yeah, I like them. Last week, I mean, this also brings me to last week we were talking about... By the way, last week I recorded at my sister's house. And today I'm recording at my parents' house. Oh my goodness. So see if you can notice a particular acoustic quality that runs through the different houses of the Matthews clan. I'm sure someone...

We might have a distinctive level of reverb. Yeah, someone's probably... There's probably an atmosophile sort of somewhere in the listenership who is absolutely having a really good day. Well, a real roller coaster for them. You think so? You think they're more like a cat?

Well, because I think if it's a cat who's an atmosophile, they'd be like, oh, you changed my environment. I'm freaking out. Yeah. I don't know where to put down my ears. freaking out yeah i don't know where to put down my ears you should rub butter on my ears i don't know is that a thing earbuds headphones apparently if you rub butter on a cat's paws when it's in a new environment it freaks out less i don't know if that's true it might be something that's just in Terry Pratchett. Is that an old wives tale? It's hard to reverse engineer things that are in the real world.

If you put a cat in a new environment, and by that I mean a hot surface, then rub butter on those birds. You're cooking a cat? Is that what's happening here? Only momentarily. You're only browning the outside to better the flavor that their footprints leave. Sure. So last week we were talking about how you might be able to not cure a disease,

but you could herd it and then people would spit it out into buckets. But I was thinking that a way that we could achieve this is we seem to have demonstrated an ability to breed smaller and smaller dogs yeah and I think we should start doing that for medical purposes you know how science doesn't progress linearly and you've got to have a lot of different irons in the fire if you want to cure all disease I think there should be at least one group of scientists or agricultural scientists maybe yeah people who are used to working with sheepdogs, who are pursuing the angle of just breeding smaller and smaller sheepdogs until we can get them so that they can fit inside the body.

And then you would get an expert drover, a medical grade drover, to come in to the operating chamber while they inject these tiny dogs into your bloodstream. And then he just, you know, he whistles and he says, get away back there, get away back there, while following the dogs with the ultrasound as they chase the tumor or the viral load or whatever it is. A tumor with legs. One of those... I'm sorry.

That's what I call our bloody Prime Minister. I'm sorry, the cancer is now in your breast. Oh, the cancer's spread to my breast. No, it's a run there. It's moving. It's on the's moving it's on the it's on the move but how are we we got it's got spooked you know what's good about this idea andy is that up until now hollywood hasn't had a reason to create a third babe movie but now that we have tiny dogs like this that can go through your bloodstream and

whatnot and chase tumors now finally their abilities can be surpassed by that of a pig a regular sized small pig right um the talking pig... Talking pig. And then the pig will go outside of the person, you know, maybe their owner, that old guy. He looks like he's getting to about cancer age. All right. And he, you know, he's all... Dives into his butthole. No, no, no.

It just does it from the outside. It's just a regular pig. The pig doesn't change size. Okay. And then it just starts going, Tumor, ram you. Tumor, ram you. Great.

To the... Humors to your clan, be true. To the carcinogens to your clan, be true. Like that. And then it comes up out of his mouth. I mean, that sounds disgusting, but compelling. Yeah, it's a medical miracle. Yeah, yeah.

I think, I mean, you know, they were getting darker anyway. Pig in the City was a much darker film. So I think we're ready for this story. And I think it's a sketch idea. Here's another idea for you, Alistair. All right? Yeah. I don't get – I love receiving mail.

I love going to the letterbox to receive mail. But everything's email these days. So what I do is I keep my laptop in the letterbox and I walk to the end of the driveway to check my emails. Do you think we could get people to start doing this? Yeah, well, people are sick of being on their phone all the time. And some people are sick of not being able to get money from stealing laptops because they're all in people's houses.

Out of letterbox. And so now that they'll be in the... Exactly. So it feels like there's an alignment of values finally between thieves and regular sort of victim folk, us victims. I suppose another way we could do it is we could put all our emails onto floppy disks and turn all the letterbox slots into floppy disk drives.

Yeah. And then we could still have the regular postal service, but they just take floppy disks from house to house, inserting them into floppy disk drives. Now, this is a good alternative history. We love to come up with alternative steampunks. This is floppy disk punk. And this is where the highest technology that humanity achieved froze at the floppy disk.

So this is our version of the internet. disc yeah so this is our version of the internet sure and you know you to get faster download speeds you're always just trying to increase the speed of those little posty bikes that they drive around the the footpaths on yeah to get the floppy disks to the to the recipient faster i like that i like that a lot it's um i mean i would i'm i'm quite tempted tempted to rig something like this up. There are so many old floppy disk drives out there. Do you think so? Mouldering in garages. As well as scullying.

Yes. Jesus Christ, Alistair jesus christ look i've written floppy disk punk i do like the idea of floppy disk punk and what kind of funny hat and goggles do they wear oh do they think they wear that little circle thing at the back of the floppy disk i'm not sure do you when you think of floppy disk do you think of the that little circle thing at the back of the floppy disk? I'm not sure. When you think of floppy disk, do you think of the actual floppy disk or do you think of the one with the metal slot,

the kind of the metal thing that moves and it's a bit hard? Yeah, I think of the metal thing that moves. I like that rectangular shape. But I'm not saying that they couldn't take out that inner bit, that inner floppy bit and sort of have that over one of their eyes as a kind of a goggle for some reason. You know, that could be part of the virtual reality or augmented reality thing that they've got going when they have a little reader on their glasses frame and then it's able to

display on or off at a very basic level augmented augmented reality where it can just turn on or off a little led in the corner of your eye in the corner of your vision to indicate whether or not um there is uh water nearby and and what would we do fucking hell i'll stare at nothing fucking hell water i just thought if you... I didn't even listen to that last bit. I had already assumed that you were just saying whether or not a floppy disk was loaded in. And I signed off.

I started thinking about something else. I was going to talk about how hard it was to get so much, like a bigger file over eight disks. Yeah. Well, you'd come up with some sort of thing which was like a cube of just a stacked floppy well there was there used there was a thing that in which i think zip used to do it where it would allow you to load a zip file onto multiple floppy disks see this is the this this is that was the golden age of floppy disks. And the golden age for zip.

I know zip is still around, but it's not such a big part of our life. We don't need to reduce things by one or two meg anymore. It doesn't seem to do much now. You have some really big file. You think it's a couple of hundred meg. You're like, I'll i'll zip this and that'll that'll that'll save me some large amount of data and it just shaves off one or two meg you know it's a lot of hassle you know it's yeah i gotta unzip this what a pain in the ass having to right click decide whether it's extract here into the downloads folder with everything else right or decide to create its own folder right and then be like okay now i'm talking thing full

of folders which doesn't sort properly when you sort from you know like uh you know from most recent or whatever suddenly the folders have their own section they can't just be in the regular order with everything else no the folders aren't a file i think the desktop is dead i haven't seen my desktop on my laptop for so long what because i just never shut it down and i never close anything and i never look for anything in folders i just use the search i just save things wherever they go and then I use the search bar to find them because the search is so fast now and it's quicker than just clicking through. I'm going to fucking click on this folder, click on that folder. No, it's all clicking still on Windows. No, it's just an amorphous.

No, no, no. Windows, man. You'll be clicking. It's a bucket. Man. Just everything. I keep everything in the downloads folder. Windows users. Or just save to the

desktop window did a big pile what and this is this is my this is my idea for um some 2021 stand up that's for the everyman he goes windows users they'd be clicking they'd be clicking and looking at the desktop, but Apple users, they like to search. Using that... They're using that search bar. That's really good. They're typing little letters into their keyboard still. Where's the hills?

I'm just over here clicking. My hills. No, forget it. Okay, I don't know what I'm doing now. where's the hills how am I just over here clicking my toes no forget it okay I don't know what I'm doing now um but it's it's good gear

um we should mention that we've finally settled on a date for uh 300th episode it's gonna happen this weekend

uh this coming weekend the 6th of November we're probably gonna start the 6th and the 7th we're probably gonna start at 6th 6am on the 6th of November. The 6th and the 7th. We're probably going to start at 6am on the 6th on Melbourne time. And then we're going to just go until we can no longer go.

We'll put some links on our Twitter and Facebook and stuff like that. So I think that, yeah, there's going to be a live stream. And then I'll upload the episode as soon as I can after that. But last time it took a while because it was too big for Acast to handle. Yeah. We broke their platform. Yeah. No one had thought that they would do this.

Like, you know, phone numbers. They they would do this like you know phone numbers they were like ah we'll only need about six digits for this that's right there's never going to be more than 100 000 people who want phone numbers well guess what and they had to like add some more metal drums in there that spun or whatever they did however the dialing thing worked oh Oh, definitely spinning metal drums. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I know.

I know what it is. Spinning metal drum punk. Where it's at. That's when the most advanced technology that we had ever created was spinning metal drums. And they only spin when they're rolling downhill. I remember. I remember when that was big. Those were the days. Take me back. spinning metal drums and they only spin when they're rolling downhill i remember i remember

when that was big those were the days take me back i yearn to go back they didn't even discover oil the other punks we came up with i think we came up with penis punk where everything was was powered by various disembodied penises i think there might have been one that was actually like a gravitational potential energy thing where it was just everything was just throwing rocks off of things. That's great. And then you wrote Copperpunk where, you know, we never progressed to wireless technology. Everything was just a cable still connected to longer and longer cables. I guess you would need whole teams of people whose

entire jobs were just untangling things oh yeah the untanglers because at the moment untangling is very much just an individual responsibility you it's a solitary it's a sad and solitary project. Done by amateurs. Yeah, exactly. But it would be nice to have a professional detangler. It may be in a mall, like the guy who can cut your keys, but you can just go there and you take a big,

big 40-liter tub of all your plastic tub, of all your cables and everything. That are all tangled. You just drag it out of whatever drawer or shed that you keep it in. I have one of those. You take it down there. Yeah.

And his job. Or her job or their job. Or their job. Is just to sit there. To sit there or to sit he or to sit her. Or there. Or there there and just untangle and then you come back at the end of the day and they're beautifully coiled with a little little you know cable tie little felt cable tie thing around them oh maybe he's even clean he or they or she or she has even cleaned cleaned the plug ends and that sort of thing.

Or washed. Or washed and put little bits of, you know, any nicks or slight damage to the sheathing. They've put a little heat shrink over there. Or cold shrink. Your cables are beautiful. Or cold shrink. Or warm expand. Oh, yes. Or cold shrink. Your cables are beautiful. Or cold shrink. Sure. Or warm expand. Oh, yes.

Or cold expand. Yeah, over all of those little necks and chinks. Sorry, I said that word in the coding. Or honkies oh god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry alright

alright I came to a peak is that anything a little untangled guy? Yeah, I'll write it down. Yeah, great. I mean, it could be a documentary about this guy. It could be a dreams of sushi kind of guy.

And he just... I like thinking... He's so good at it. I like thinking it's a thing that... It's a documentary from the point of view of 150 years from now. And the person who's made the documentary is called Stephen Untangler. Because names come from jobs. Your job, your profession.

And it's a person who's looking into the origins of their name. What is Untangling so of course steven now lives in a fully wireless world you know maybe even you know there is no physical properties at all of anything ah yeah the earth was getting too hot we couldn't stay physical we just became a gas or a little pulse i started reverberating bouncing back and forth i think you could have a form of life i wouldn't be surprised if star trek hadn't done this you can have a form of life that only exists in those charged particles that bounce back and forward in the um magnetic field of the You know, it's made up of a sort of a pattern that evolves over eons. Eons.

Eons, eons, yeah. Like McKellen and whatnot. Yeah. uh in in up up there you know we could never um understand or communicate or connect with it because it's so alien to us but it it is there i think this is good because it it could it it new generations could form every time it bounces back in the other direction of course anyway yeah yeah i'm sorry you know what of course i had to start i had to start thinking about this thing i had to and no you got you got stuff to think about alice it's just so because but do you have a sketch idea based on that like the based on the form of life bouncing back and forth in the magnetosphere.

Eddie, that's not so crazy. Yeah, but it's so abstract, and so I just don't see that there's any way to make it funny. I think the Untangler guy, i'd like to see a story where um it's just this one little weirdo who's really good at untangling things and has this door that people go to when they're really in trouble you know simple old guy that's what he does but then there's this massive geo storm that tangles up every single electrical line in their entire power grid. And the only way to restore civilization is for this guy. They go and get him.

And they take him to the highest halls of power. And with his untangled brain and his skills honed in his little shop, he saves the world. Or they. Or the the space he saves space oh andy i i'm so sorry i've i tried to split my attention so that i could talk to you about this other thing and then i have no idea what you said just tell me what to write down no fucking there's i mean mean, just Untangle Guy, a movie about him saving the world because he untangles all the world's power cables

after a geostorm. Untangler saves world after... We could call the movie... You know, the movie will do well because we're going to call it Tangled 2 or Too Tangled. And it'll get all the people who do well because we're going to call it Tangled 2 or Too Tangled. Yeah, Too... And it'll get all the people who really like that Rapunzel movie.

I listened to a podcast with a guy called Wolfram. Hmm. Is that the bloke who came up with Wolfram Alpha? That thing that was going to answer everybody's questions or whatever? Possibly, yeah. I think so. Stephen Rulfram. Right.

And he's doing some physics project that is attempting to lead towards some fundamental theory of everything. The fundamental theory of physics. And one of the things that he was talking about in this podcast was the a space particle oh fucking they gotta have a fucking particle for everything haven't they yeah i bet they these physicists they just sit around in a circle drinking and smoking and challenging each other to come up with new particles and yeah and i want six new particles on my desk by the end of the day jenkins or your ass is out of here is you better wave or particle to your ass goodbye goodbye sorry goodbye

sorry not just wave to your arse Or particle to your arse The rest of you is staying here, by the way Because I came up with the theory About the arse-rest of you Duality of man And developed a way to separate the arse From the rest of the body

Alistair What were you saying? i think i don't know i just just the idea that you know space itself is something even though it's kind of nothing and i just thought that was felt like something um but yeah it makes me really angry yeah it makes me really angry because i already can't i've already had it with these fucking particles that are forces that are this and that are that i can't get my head around it all right and this kind of shit you know gravity is also a particle now everything's a fucking particle now and i i can't conceive of it and i'm unwilling to do the work to try and conceive of it and i just wish they would stop it

this is my version of being angry at political correctness and woke culture it's these new fucking particles i'm not going to learn their names i'm not going to refer to them as what they want to be referred to as i'm going to okay they're all atoms to me. Yes. You're an atom or you're a force and that's it. This is the subatomic bigot. The Newtonian. I'm not learning any of the stuff beyond Newton. I think it was easy to understand back then.

I mean, wave particle is a kind of duality, a kind of non-binary thing that, you know, people would struggle to get on board with. I think even Einstein, you know, he was progressive up to a point. He was as open-minded as anyone, but he couldn't get on board with quantum physics. Yeah. He thought it was yuck.

He thought it was unnatural. Ah, he was a... So do you think Einstein was actually a Newtonian bigot? No, he was a relativist. He was a relativist, sorry. He was an Einsteinian, and even though he was responsible for coming up with quantum... Do you think he could have been an Einsteinian? I mean, I think it's not like he was following the teachings of Einstein. But then again, I suppose...

It's a good question. Was Jesus a Christian? No. Couldn't have been. No. He was just a god a christian like there weren't

there weren't christian churches till way after like a priest and things like that there was no priests to teach jesus anything yeah

um look i'm gonna say that that's enough of sketches because i think subatomic bigots are a fun idea i'm not learning any other names I'm going to say that that's enough of sketches because I think subatomic bigots are a fun idea.

I'm not learning any other names. They want me to call them this or that. Quirks and blocks and schnots. Just use regular words. So we've got three words from a listener and because as you know I didn't write anything down on the page before we started so let me just go into here alright well this is definitely something that hasn't been

hasn't been used yet so this is from James Roy James Roy James Roy is from James Roy. James Roy. James Roy. James Roy. James Roy. James Roy. He was a special boy. He couldn't be separated from his toy.

He had a silly cup of soy that he drank until his death. Oh, yeah, good. I feel like we're getting a little insight into what the 300th episode is going to feel like. Yeah. I mean, at least today we're doing something first thing in the morning.

So we're fresh right now. I know. This is the most fresh we've been in an episode for a long time. We're zinging and we're pinging. Least amount of children we've been in an episode for a long time it's the least amount of children we've had in on our episode for a long time and they my kids are just right outside the door there's a there's just the slightest membrane just between you it's like you're you're just wearing podcast pants and they're just on the outside um in my podcast pants. I mean, this will be a thing.

Special clothes for podcasting. We should market a line of tactical podcasting clothes. Sure. Camo. To decrease the chance of somebody talking to you from who isn't nothing who knows who knows exactly what form it'll take it'll have some kind of padding uh on the elbows for resting them on the bench obviously yeah one of the noise major points of wear they could even have a sort of a pop guard that sort of is built into the shoulder with a little cable that you can lever up to in front of your mouth.

And then if you're caught in an emergency podcasting situation and you don't have your pop shield there, what you've got is your microphone, you're able to lever that up there and you can go in seconds. You never know when a podcast is going to break out. That's true, especially among the people that we hang out with. Yeah. That's my dream to be able to go, go, go. Podcasting jacket.

And it has, oh, this is actually an idea. All right. It's a podcasting jacket you put it on it's a bit like a fly fisherman's vest and it has everything built into it everything that you need i'll be good to to podcast good if we had those big fly fisherman pants the big rubber ones waiters that you could also when you want to wade into a thorny issue. Also, if it had a toilet in there. Basically, a port-a-loo that's just around your junk. So that you could be going at any point.

You never have to leave the room. Yeah, that's the dream. It's like a portable port-a-loo. Pardon and pooping. You didn't see how fun that was the portable portaloo anyway all good oh sorry it's okay it's okay yeah it is good i didn't i didn't honestly um so i'm just walking a podcasting outfit cool pants no jacket. There we go. Great. Anyway, James Roy. James Roy. He is my favorite boy. He had a silly cup of soy that he drank until he died.

James Roy. So James Roy. What do you think James Roy's words were? The first word. Noodle. No. The first word was carp. But carp spelt with a K.

So I would say that that implies it's probably a Pokemon kind of carp. But the only kind of carp in Pokemon is Magikarp. uh kind of carp but the the only kind of carp in pokemon is magic carp now i don't know if that's a a species because i don't know any other carp in pokemon but magic carp is the only one it turns into gyarados um but there could be other species that are yet to be discovered in future pokemon series yeah i'm i'm really excited to see what they can discover. Yeah. One of the weakest Pokemon, but then it turns into this great... It almost has no moves.

It just basically flip-flops on the ground. And then... But that's a fun device that they came up with, where starting with something that seems harmless and then it can turn into something really amazing. That's satisfying on a fundamental, ugly, duckling, very hungry caterpillar level. I think we're drawn to those stories, aren't we?

Exactly. Water boy. It's Adam Sandler's water boy all over again. Yeah, exactly. And it's very fitting for a Magikarp to be a Waterboy. Essentially, Waterboy wrote that, was just a rewriting of the Magikarp story. The old, you know, the man with a thousand masks,

what was his name? Joseph Campbell obviously tells us that, you know, we rewrite the same stories over and over again. And one of the classic archetypes is, of course, the Magikarp. One of the other classic archetypes is, of course, the script writing manual. Ah, yes. Which everyone tells a version of that as well. All right. The second word is kangaroo, but with a version of that as well. All right.

The second word is kangaroo, but with a C, Alistair. Oh, very clever. But no, it's proceed. Also with a C, though. There also would be prokid. Carp. Proceed. Okay.

And lozenge. Lozenge? No, but I think that's something that you guess a lot. No, no. The third one is entangle. Wow. I mean, it feels like it's basically our idea that we already came up with. What is it? The tangled movie.

Yeah, but involving... Except with the person is a carp. Yeah, and what we're getting stuck in, it's like sort of like it's catfish kind of whiskers. Those catfish whiskers. Oh, man. Do those whiskers, do catfish whiskers sting you in some way? Good question. I don't think so.

No. Good question. I don't think so. No, I think they used them to detect microelectrical currents in the water to hunt their prey in the muddy rivers down south. But I don't think the whiskers sting you. I don't think. They do look like they could have some tentacly, tendrally, stingy properties, but people catch catfish just by shoving their finger in the water. They call it noodling for catfish, don't they? That's why I guessed that word, obviously. Noodle. That's why noodle came to mind. That's what I was picking up on.

You were picking up on noodles. Yeah, and then you just stick your finger in the water. The catfish think it's a worm or something. You just hook them with your finger, pull them out. Yeah. Eat them straight away. Still flopping. I mean, if you could do do that with your tongue do you think you could do that with your tongue mouth catching that's the thing that we as humans don't get to do that almost every other creature in the in the animal kingdom yeah we are quite is a mouth catcher yeah we're quite we're quite um yeah we're quite reluctant actually to go hunting with our mouths our mouth really is it you know tries to stay uh

at arm's length i think uh from the from the hunting i mean i think a bunch of mouth hunters you know people who think that they are the most extreme go back to the way that they do it in nature. I think that's really fun. They keep their hands behind their back. Yeah, they tie them there. This could be a new kind of paleo. Yeah. It's the mouth-hunting diet.

Forget about going back to what our cave men ancestors ate and how they lived. What about our weasel ancestors? It's unnatural for us to eat anything that we couldn't catch with our mouths. I think, yeah, I like that. These mouth hunters who like to go back. And like, I mean, you know, I still want people to be hunting the same kind of things that they hunt with guns. You know, I want there to be somebody

trying to take down a moose. I want there to be somebody trying to take down a bear. Sure. I think you could do it if you hunt it as a pack. Wolf style. Yeah. Like a hyena or whatever.

How weird is it that hyenas aren't dogs there's some other fucking thing yeah right god they scare me yeah i think of all the creatures hyenas are probably the scariest to me because i think they they look they already look like a mutant yeah and they have that laugh they've got a real that's a real kind of jokerish macabre i've got i've got a sense of humor that you'll never understand i'm a freak and i and you can't scare me yeah i'm all right you know and uh yeah i don't like that don't like that i couldn't they'd have I couldn't, they'd have no mercy. Yeah. They've got no reason to have mercy on me.

Because they're already kind of mistreated. Yeah. I wonder who's the closest. They'd be well within their rights to hate me. Yeah. Well, do you think it's because they're mistreated? Do you think they're angry because they're beaters? Because they're beaters, yeah, that's right.

Beater cucks. They're beater cucks. Nobody says cuck anymore. Wasn't that a wave that we rode there for probably the, like, was that a full Trump presidency worth of cucks? Yeah, I think we hit cuck pretty hard. Then Simp had a much lower life.

Half life. And now we're just back. Homeostasis has brought us back to just using regular words. Occasionally we'll say cuck and simp just as a joke. To make fun of ourselves. Just to feel a little nostalgic thrill.

Yeah. For a simpler like make fun of ourselves. Yeah, just to feel a little nostalgic thrill. Yeah. You know, but... For a simpler or cuckular time. Yeah. It is funny because when you said the Joker, you actually made me feel like they are kind of like the... They're like the incels of the animal world. Even though they actually do way more fucking.

They actually do. I bet they do. I bet they do and I bet they love it. Yeah. Oh, they absolutely love it. Thank you. Thank you, Indiana. Indiana just brought me a coffee because she just returned home.

Holy shit. Yeah, so things are about to get pretty wild as we wrap this episode up um wait so um i think we're done though mouth hunters that was all right yeah oh yeah okay alistair that's a season three idea through and through yeah hello all right well then but wait are we season three or we season two still uh we're season three okay um uh alistair uh we should also mention that stupid old studios is having a fundraiser to help the studio move to a new location bigger better things we've been forced out of our uh current location in brunswick because they are building two enormous apartment buildings right next to us which is going to take two years of construction noise

and we won't be able to use the studio or the podcasting booth or anything not that we've been able to get in there for a while but we're on the verge of being able to be back right and we will be back for the 300th episode right before they shut it down yeah the studio oh it'd be so great to be podcasting as they knocked the building down around oh yeah that's not what's happening they're. No, that's actually what we're trying to avoid by moving. But it seems like moving is unbelievably expensive and having to fit out another place and everything like that. So I'll put a link to the fundraiser, the Indiegogo.

We already reached our first target, but we need a lot more money. So if you are able to chip in, no pressure. But if you can and you want to do but if you can't or don't want to i i would advise against it and um please go about your day please and i hope it's wonderful oh my gosh alistair do you want to take us through the sketch ideas and i'm i'm a little scared it's all good um there's the 60 minute parenting which is somebody realizing that you know, it could be Tim Ferriss.

It could be somebody, a Tim Ferriss-style person, like the 4-Hour Workweek guy, who's figured out that you actually can just parent in... You do most, you know, it's like an 80-20 rule. You know, you can get 80% of your parenting done in about 20 minutes. And 80% is in HD. Yeah, that's right. And they realize in 20 minutes...

HD, hot dad. And so this is for dads who want to get out of there, but also want to get basically most of their parenting done before they go. They don't want to be bad parents, but they also want to be out of there. So it's a lot of terror-based drug experimentation big shock um shock lessons yeah that have a big impact these are these are

the things that get you 80 of the way there yeah that's right you got to focus on the biggest parenting return for the smallest input it's a heavy it's heavy on the trauma in order to it's a trauma-based education but you know often when yeah isn't ptsd the inability to not forget something in in a very intense way that sounds like a lesson well learned to me that's right and so now of course, now, PTSD isn't in itself bad. It's only because the memories are bad. But if we use the same processes...

Post-terrific stress disorder. So, we got that. Then we got the swallowed razor blade surgery with magnets. Wow. Wasn't expecting to hear those words again so soon. Then we got Tiny Microscopic Dogs for Hurting Viruses

and the opportunity for a new babe movie there. Yeah. That'll do, punk. And then we got Floppy Disc Punk. This is... Over the years, we've come up with a fair few punks. They'll call it. Oh, yeah, that's definitely what they'll call it.

You won't be able to stop them from calling it that. Then we got the untanglers. Oh, it's the documentary on. The guy who untangles. But, you know, on the beginnings of the untangling industry. And then we've got, it's sort of an associated one, but this is Untangler Saves World After Geostorm. That was your idea that I didn't listen to, and I'm really sorry.

No, that's all right. I mean, I think what will be really a great metaphor, because the best movies, their form reflects their message. Right. There's a broader metaphorical point that's made. So as you are trying to find the origin of the surname Untangle, you are in a way following threads yourself

back to their origin, the key challenge in Untangling. Plus geostorms. Yes. origin the key challenge in untangling plus geo storms then we got the subatomic bigot the guy who's just a all the best movies have a geo storm i love the word you know i hadn't thought about that geo storm is such a fun one because it geo implies implies land. Also, is a geostorm like an underground storm? I don't know.

All I know is there was a movie called Geostorm. It came out about two years ago with that guy, Jared Butler. Really? It feels like it would be beneath a butler, but I suppose butler hasn't had that much on. Yeah, I think that's right in his wheelhouse, to be honest. Well, I think maybe because I only saw him in that movie with Natalie Portman where he goes, I'm a fucking caveman! Because I'm a fucking caveman!

Was that Geostorm? No, no, no. Some movie with fucking caveman. Was that Geostorm? No, no, no. Some movie with Natalie Portman who I don't think is in Geostorm. All right. And then we got Podcasting Jacket and then Mouth Hunters. Yes.

And I think, you know, whilst whilst podcasting jacket is mostly an idea for podcast wear um i think it would be a funny sketch i and i i think there'd probably be some really good fabric choices that you could make that would have the minimum rustle oh yeah absolutely less rustle um there's also some staffing choices that you could make to have less Russell. Well, I mean, gamey gamey game is going to have less Russell. Yeah, that's true. Now that Ben Russell is no longer a... Alistair, are you in line for that spot?

No, you're not the first person who's asked me that. I don't imagine they're going for another regular one, but maybe they are um um but i they'll go rotating but out of respect for right choice out of respect for ben russell i couldn't possibly take the role i uh even if even if it was offered to me um i don't think i don't think those shoes can be filled by a mere man such as myself. And I would hate to be the... Oh, the poor man's... A poor man's Russell.

Compared to... And I think Russell was the only thing that elevated me on those shows. If ever I was at all airborne all right all right let's get out of there we're all done thank you so much for listening to in the think tank we like that you did that thing to us and with us and for us and indeed for that matter of us uh please continue to be uh yourselves and live your lives unfettered by regret that's. Unlike us who are going into this 300th episode, cannot feel nothing but.

But it's going to be fun. It's going to be fun regret. The most fun, regretful thing we've ever had to do. Yes. And you can follow us on Twitter. I'm at stupidoldandy. He's at alistairtb. We are at Two in Tank.

Two in the Tank. And, you know, we are working on a show for the Comedy Festival next year. Get interested in that. Start building up your juices. Yeah, start allowing the hype to grow naturally. We're planting that hype seed. The show is called

My Client Is Innocent. And each word is in inverted commas independently. Yeah, that's right. And we're two lawyers. And we are, yes. And it's going to be really something. We're representing a man who's stolen a hat.

Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. Okay. And that, yeah, I reckon we're done here, Alistair. Cool. You got anything to add? No, we better wrap it.

Check out the stupid old fundraiser in the description if you're able. And you know what? Check yourselves out. You know, give yourself a moment. Yeah. Take care. In the show notes. In the show notes. And we. able and you know what check yourselves out you know give yourself a moment yeah take care in the show notes in the show and we found i found myself in the show notes of the two of the think tank episode see you later we love you bye

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