Simple Swedish Podcast - 312 - "BACKWARDS GUN"

Episode Date: November 30, 2021

Colossal thanks to the kind heroes who chipped in to the Stupid Old Studios fundraiser. You make us feel so nice.Sketches TBC.You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastJoin the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereSalacious thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, I am Kendra Adachi and I host the Lazy Genius Podcast. A Lazy Genius principle is to decide once. And I have done that by deciding that Olive and June is my go-to brand for ad home mayonnaise. I don't like to waste time and the Olive and June Manny system has everything you need and nothing you don't, all with gorgeous polishes that don't ship. Visit Olive and June.com slash perfect Manny 20 for 20% off your first olive and June system. That's olive and June.com slash perfect mani 2.0 for 20% off your first olive and June system. Liquid vapor liquid vapor liquid vapor liquid vapor liquid vapor liquid liquid vapor liquid vapor liquid I'm very liquid vapor coming out of my mouth.

Hello. The good vapor. And welcome to Two in the Think Tank the Show. We come up with five sketch ideas. I am Andy. And I am a Alistair, George William, Tromblay virtual. And this is the first episode since we have returned from the 300th episode in which we split it up because

we're forced to buy this thing and then we use that opportunity to take some time off. Yeah, yeah. You know, not that we don't say well-earned time off because I don't think, I don't think we've earned anything in our lives. No, but also a little bit of money. You don't have to, you don't have to earn time off. Is that what you're saying, Alistair? Everybody should. You know, I mean, you're finding a place to feel bad where you need, you need not. That's true. We're doing a thing that is mostly free for most people. No, you know, you're absolutely right, Elastair.

But it is free for most people, but I feel like the people who do enjoy it, I get so much enjoyment from the fact that some people do enjoy the podcast, that I feel like I'm already ahead, right? However much they enjoy the podcast, I enjoy them enjoying the podcast much more than that. And so I feel like I'm already getting more than my fair share of enjoyment out of the entire exchange. And then for me to then have the temerity to take some time

off from doing it. And you feels like I'm welching on my enjoyment of the enjoyment. And that's all I'm saying. Well, you know what I mean? I only have one question for that. Is there a sketch I did in this? Who do you think gets the most enjoyment of the things? I mean, that's like people competing to have enjoyed

something more. That's, we've trod on that ground before in this podcast and the God, we've got the ground is compacted under that area of ground. Mm-hmm, it's dense. I think we've had, we've had people driving and there was a car race, but it was about who had the most fun. Okay, all right, but what about this, right? People say, do what you love, and you'll never work a day in your life. What if the next frontier in labor, employee, employer relations, you know,

in that entire arena, is that we start to, you know, because at the moment, companies can, they can monitor your screen and they can see how much you're working, right, on your screen, see what your screen's doing. But they, you know, at some point they will be able to monitor your brain activity and they will be able to tell whether or not you're having a good time while you're at work and enjoying it. And I think we will probably get to the point where you enjoying your work is considered a part of your salary package. Okay. And the more you enjoy yourself at work, they will

probably reduce your pay packet accordingly. Right. Do you think though? Because you could easily lie in your head and go, I'm having a good time like that, right? It's like it's the equivalent of lowering a tab of YouTube when your manager walks by. But I think what incentive would you have to have a good time than if you're going to, you know, like the

most likelihood is if they're going to put this kind of stuff in, you're going to have a bad time, right? Yeah. Well, I think, you know, in a way, it's just a comic premise, Alistair. But in another way, I think I'm just suggesting that if you were enjoying yourself at work, you know, if it turns out that you, you know, you see your friends, you see your friends are there, you're happy to see them, okay? Maybe you've got a beautiful view from the office or maybe there's a particularly good type of doughnut in the canteen, right?

And I think that the company would then say, well, you know, work isn't supposed to be fun, but if you're having fun on our time, it's a lot less like you're working, okay? You know, do what you love and you'll never work in your life. So if you are loving, we're going to pay you less. Based on this, because you're already getting something out of it. I picture a scene where, you know, an employee has been called into the manager's office and there's two managers there and they say, Rebecca, it's been great to see you. Have you been having a great time here since you've been here?

Oh yeah, it's been five years. Five years? Yeah, I love it every day. Yeah, well, you seem relatively happy. I'm ecstatic about this job. I love every day of it. Yeah, well, you know, you seem relatively happy. Happy. I'm ecstatic about this job. I love it. Do the voice, Elisabeth. If you're going to do Rebecca's lines as well, at least do her the justice of doing her voice.

Do her the voice that we have all both agreed on. Yeah. Oh, this is so good. It's been the best job I've ever had. We are so happy to hear that, right? And it's because of this joy that you have and that, you know, how, you know, grateful you are for this position that we've realized that we can pay you less and you won't leave. Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, yeah.

So, you know, we're just kind of, we're restructuring things, mostly people's pay, mostly people who are enjoying things and won't leave. Mostly people are in the room right now. Mostly you, Rebecca. Yeah. Rebecca, and so we're thinking 15% cut to your pay. Oh, okay. How does that make you feel?

Yeah, I mean, I'm disappointed. But you know, overall, I suppose your auto won't leave. Yeah. Yeah, well that's what we thought. That's great news to hear. Because we love having you here and it's just that our boss, they pay us more if we can get general costs down. And the reason why that's important is because we're both very unhappy here. As you would be if you speak all your time,

docking money from people who. And so I really need this pay raise if the company wants to keep me. And so thank you very much for being so understanding. Oh no, no worries. Oh, thanks for the work. Do you want to do you you want a peppermint from the bowl on the way out?

Oh I love peppermints. Great, well that's another 2% off your pay. Oh. Oh well. Okay. Oh goody. So sketchy. Oh, oh, goodie. So sketchy.

Yeah, no, I think it's a sketch idea, Alistair. I feel like there's a small amount of hesitation coming from you about the validity of this as a sketch idea, but I think it's very strong. And if not a sketch idea, then a deeply satirical take on where we are at as a capitalist society. So, you know, we need more of those. Well, that could be the tag. Yeah. Oh, good. We could just explain the sketch and how it is a bit satirical. Yeah. Great. I mean, people need satire. You know, how else is how

else's power going to be held to account? Power in a way that changes absolutely nothing else there. That's so funny. In a way that allows us to laugh at the status quo and its cruelties and its vagaries, and thereby release some of the tension that would otherwise drive us to revolution. Well do you think that there's a possibility that maybe if the problem with comedy is that it doesn't affect change. What if you did comedy that was done with guns and bombs? I mean, as you started that sentence, I was like, I hope at the end of this, where somehow writing our jokes or to bullets

and shooting them into people's heads instead of just telling them into people's heads instead of just telling them into their ears. Well, you got to shout, don't tell, but also it's not about, I think if you shot a bullet at somebody's body in a normal way, I don't think that that would be funny. No. But if you did it in a way that was physically humorous. Totally. Yeah.

I think there's ways of doing it. It's the same way you could. What is the funniest gun? I mean, it's probably the... The bazooka? The bazooka is the funniest gun. I think you're right. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it certainly contains inherent in itself the greatest potential for the comedy of somebody pointing at the wrong direction. Right? Yeah, I mean, that joke has definitely been done. Yeah. But I mean, I think pointing any gun

in the wrong direction is funny. That's true. I mean, a gun, maybe part of our comedy arsenal, will be a gun that is designed to be pointed the other way, and it shoots the bullets out of the back. But, I mean, otherwise it's going to look exactly like a normal gun. But it is one that you point towards yourself. Oh, this is so satirical, Alistair. This is so satirical.

This is like that, you know, when you point a finger at somebody else, there's however many fingers pointing back at you. I don't know, I bet you are three or possibly four, depending on if you do any weird shit with your thumb. But there's, when you put it to somebody else, there's three figures pointing it back at you and there's one that's either pointing sort of at the sky at any birds or maybe sort of down to the ground

about a meter in front of you. That's the thing. And then also, sometimes you just have three fingers pointing inside your palm. Hmm. Yeah. I guess that is me. I guess I am my palm. You're, you know, yeah, you are your palm.

I've always said it. I suppose. I always said it. But I guess a gun in which you put a bullet in and you hold the gun backwards and you fire that little hammer that normally strikes the bullets. What, and that shoots out, does it, and hits the person in the face? Yeah, that bit of fluid goes around, hits people like that. I think what this would be really good, I think this would be very artistic, if not comedic, on a scale,

because what it's really saying is that it's ourselves that we are through violence, we hurt ourselves as much as we hurt other people. You know, by pointing the gun at ourselves, you know, it would really serve to highlight underline, underscore the cyclical and the psychological perils of violence. And I think the army would be very interested in this. And what, the psychological perils of violence? Oh, I think they'd be interested in a gun that was, that made an artistic comment about war. I mean, the army has bands. They do. They do. They do. They must have an art gallery.

Hmm. And they have a modern art gallery. A set-ire troop. Army. I did, oh, yes, I was in the Army. Set-ire review. Satirical Army review. So what do you see as the satirical bit of this gun,

a gun that shoots backwards? Well, it doesn't necessarily shoot back. What it is is it looks like it's pointing in one direction so the barrel is pointing towards you. But when you pull the trigger, the gun does shoot a bullet out or you know shoots the little hammer out. You know, you can still use it as a gun to attack people, right? But symbolically, because it is pointing towards you yourself, it is making a point, as it points, about how... Sure, you point. Yeah.

Those who commit violence experience, you know, their own psychological trauma and they are victims. Even on this case, they actually aren't a victim in any way other than... Yeah, that's right. Well, I mean, they are in a metaphorical way. And that's right. So, you know, so... But in a real way they're not in a long term. They're not damaging anyone. No, no, they're fine. And I think that's what I mean, I think it would be very difficult to convince the army

to buy a gun that did actually shoot their own soldiers. But I think that, you know. That's true. They're, if they wanted a gun that shot their own soldiers, when you pointed it back at you, I feel like they already have that. And that would be a real hard stuff. I mean, although they probably just buy it. This is a robust stuff.

From Teleport. Yeah. It's a knife that points the other way. It's a reverse satirical gun. But that shoots backwards. Yeah. Oh, fuck. What was I going to say? So, oh well think about this right there are

at the moment we have a rule where for certain amounts of infrastructure spending in Australia a certain percentage of that has to be spent on art. So I think it might be only on a state-by-state basis but that's why you get for those big like toll road projects. You get that roadside art. You know, that's because there is some regulation that basically says this small percentage of your total budget has to be spent on some kind of cultural thing. But obviously some of our biggest spending as a country is on defense, right? And I think that that suggests to me that we should do the same thing. And then for every billion warheads that you make,

no, billions probably too many for warheads, for every 500 machine guns that you buy or manufacture, you have to do one artistic interpretation of that, or one that makes a comment of a gun. Yeah, you're higher an artist. I figured out how the guy gets hurt in this thing, right? Yeah. So he obviously is pointing the gun at himself, but it's a satirical gun and it fires at the back. Now obviously it hurts the person who's standing in front of them. You know, front of the person shooting the gun that's pointed at them.

That hurts them, but also it probably hurts the person firing the gun in that the gun not only hits the person in front of them, but all of society is skewered by this bullet. Yes. And the the fire of the gun being a part of society Yeah, can not help, but be hoisted upon their own petard. If that's a so saying that can work in this context, I don't know. I think it is, Alistair. I think it very much. I think it, I think it, we've almost taken it back

to its original context where it loses all its metaphorical meaning whatsoever. Yeah. But I think it's I think that that's I think that's good. I think that's my favorite. So what am I writing here? Satirical gun. I think satirical gun is good. And I think that the listeners will thank us for moving on. Yeah. Do you know I don't, I don't 100% believe in any of the power of satire? Yeah. I don't know if we've discussed this, but it's, you know believe in any the power of satire?

Yeah, I don't know if we've discussed this, but it's you know, it's something that I occasionally feel as well in my low in my low moments That I think this is how my thinking of it goes, right? I think a lot of the time. I mean I guess in the end you got to write about something and you may as well write about something that's happening currently. That's probably the real explanation that if you're doing something, you may as well do something that fits with the times and the things that fit with the times are things that are happening now. That is probably a good explanation of why you should just write about stuff that is happening now because you're going to have more people who are engaged with the now in terms of potential audience.

And I think that the, I think my problem is with important comedy is that I don't necessarily think it's super funny a lot of the time. Yeah. But I think people love to watch it because it's like a good cause, especially something that is like anti, you know, anti bad stuff. Mm-hmm. Any bad thing that is, the comedy that is anti that people go, well, I don't like that bad thing. I like supporting things that are against that thing. Yeah. Right? Right? Right? But I don't necessarily that are against that thing. You can't buy it. But I don't necessarily think it means that the thing is good.

I don't know. This is my new theory. Okay. This is the new theory I really wanted to get to. Is that I find that any great epiphany or insight is only good inside your head when it's still, you see it perfectly because you can't see its flaws. Yes.

Right. But once you get it out into the world, then you can see its flaws and it can be manipulated and it can be, you can be laughed at. Yeah. People can criticize it. So any huge insight, you should keep inside your head. This is why I don't like lyrics and songs, because that's just insights coming out of your head.

Yeah. Literally, that's the act of singing is the insights coming out of your head. Right? And so, and that just means that these insights are now way dumber than they were moments ago when they felt perfect. Yeah, well, it's, you know, I think you should ruin good insights. It's like driving a car off the lot.

As soon as an idea comes out of your head, it's lost a huge amount of its value because it gets, you know, instantly it gets that wear and tear, but, you know, the sheen comes off it quite literally. Or quite not literally. off it quite literally. Or quite not literally. Quite literally. Quite literally. Quite literally. Alistair. Yes. Quite literally. So you, your ideas have sheen on them. I mean, is there some way, sorry to move on, but you got me there, Alistair. Even as I pointed out to myself how silly that sentence was.

You also pointed out to me, and I think that that's a good point well made. But then the tricky thing is, because part of the joy of what feels like a really good idea, I think, is the feeling that you get of, gosh, I'm gonna look so smart when I tell people this. Right?

I don't think that... Sure. ...and I'm sure everyone else in the world has exactly the same sort of unhealthy psychology that I have in this area. Not just me, but you know, you think of a clever thing and you think, God, that I'm going to sound so clever

when I say my clever thing. And I want to know, is there any way to still get that thrill? Or like how can you, basically, how can you still have people think you're clever when you just keep all of your ideas inside your head? Well, what if I told you this? I don't know if anybody thinks that you're clever. No. No, that may or may not be true, right?

Sure. But there's a chance that it is. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And so you can still feel like people will think that you're clever by not letting the ideas out and just existing in the potential of it. Yeah, but I feel like I'm constantly teasing myself there. You know, I'm... Yeah. Well, the real flaw in any of the things that I said before is that you and I both know from having worked on things that we can say something and we can write it down and then it takes an immense amount of work before it is a thing that is functioning and

clever sound. That's true. So, the big flaw in my thing is that where it seems perfect in your mind and then you let it out, it actually wasn't perfect in either case. And it's after a bunch of work that it even has any kind of value at all. Well, I think then. And then people might think that you're clever, especially after you make a show with an interesting shape or something.

Yeah, that's true. But I think maybe, though, what you need to do, then, is to just, I mean, the alternative, is to just achieve a position of fame and power, where you can surround yourself with people who won't criticize any of your ideas. So you do get to say your things out loud and still feel clever, because you create a sort of a world that is just an extension of your own mind and an echo chamber where your ideas can be affirmed in what to use seems like the real world, even though it's not. It's a sham.

But is that in any way? Well, either a sketch idea or do you, you would not, you would not look, maybe this is not in any way fun. So, but just the idea, like, I mean, I know that I would, it constantly, if I was in one of those situations where people were agreeing with me, I would, my know that I would it constantly. If I was in one of those situations where people were agreeing with me,

I would, my first thought would be, people don't actually find this clever and they are just agreeing with me. And then I would leave. Well, that's why you need to be raised in a world of privilege and idolation. You know, sort of, you know, you know, you know, sort of you need you need to be very rich, very well off. You need to be maybe in the monarchy or something like that. Yeah.

But I'll see if I can do that. Yeah, great. I mean, doing this little chance for me to join the monarchy at this point? Uh, or even raised in it? I mean, at what point is somebody's raising absolutely complete? Yeah. Is it, that's just when people stop taking care of you, right? Yeah, that's right. But I think, you know, you could, um, I guess you could have some sort of start taking care of it. I didn't even point to someone to start taking care of it. I didn't even point to someone to start taking care of it. I didn't even point to someone to start taking care of it. I didn't even point to someone to start taking care of it. I didn't even point to someone to start taking care of it. I didn't even point to someone to start taking care of it. I didn't even point to someone to start taking care of it. I didn't even point to someone to start taking care of it. I didn't even point to someone to start taking care of it. I didn't even point to someone to start taking care of it. I didn't even point to someone to start taking care of it. I didn't even point to someone to start taking care of it. I didn't even point to someone to start taking care of it. I didn't even point to someone to start taking care of it. I didn't even point to someone to start taking care of it. I didn't even point to someone to start taking care of it. I didn't even point to someone to start taking care of it. I didn't even point to someone to start taking care of it. I didn't even point to someone to start taking care of it. I didn't't need point something to start taking care of an injury that would arise

I know but is that necessary and then you could be right just Can does that necessary or can I just go to Prince Charles and say Prince Charles I am unbelievably inferior to you Could you parent me? And if in the in the in the in the off chance he would agree would I then be getting raised by Prince Charles because I mean obviously he's teaching me things, he's preparing me more for the world, anything that I learned from Prince Charles that would if I learned anything I suppose I am getting raised. Alistair, I think there's something in this. I think it might even be a sketch idea. I think,

you know, I think Prince Charles asking royals to adopt you. I think it's like the pretty girl at the party, you know? Nobody's asking them to ever want to assume. Asking the pretty girl at the party to adopt you. Yeah, exactly. Everyone's too nervous and everyone assumes that they've already been asked. No one's ever asked Fritz Charles to be their dad. Whether you be my daddy, Fritz Charles. And, you know.

And often, you know, he's in this newer, you know, a newer relationship with Camilla. Yeah, I mean, how long have they been together? Longer than we've been alive? You know, it's a new one. Yeah, yeah. I mean, how long have they been together? Longer than we've been alive? You know, it's a new one. Yeah, but there's kind of that thing where it's like, well, you know, they don't have any children together. Mm.

You know, and I reckon that might be something that is that is gone, you know. Unmet and need. Unmet, yeah, and I wouldn't be surprised if you put it to both of them, you know, often they appear that, you know, it functions together. I don't know if it's as long a shot as it seems. Yeah, no, I think this is really good, El. I like it.

I have another idea, a monarchy-based idea. I think you should write that down, by the way, asking Prince Charles to be your dad. Yeah. Have you moved to a less network-ready place area of your house? No, I haven't moved at all. I'm sorry if there's interference. Can you still hear me? I can hear you pretty good now. Yeah, okay cool. My other idea is

just and we might have come up with something similar to this, but I'm you know I don't think that we do need the monarchy, but I do think that it would be very Interesting and fun and funny to get Some people right and tell them that they're the monarchy right and sort of coddle them and give them all this money and let them you know go around and open shopping centers And that sort of thing and be like oh,, that's great, your majesty, that kind of thing, right? And let them have their kids and then tell them those kids that they're gonna be the King Queen or whatever, and you're like, oh, you know,

good old year, so great. Gosh, we love you. And then sing songs about them and just make them sit up at a seat, special seat at the opera and that sort of stuff. And then about 30, 40 years later, or something like that, you go, just kidding, right? And then you just say, ah, none of this stuff's yours. You know, we didn't really think you were that great.

And then you, oh, you just gotta go back to your normal lives down. And then we make a show. We make a show about it. It's sort of a Truman show, but. But we essentially just editing the footage that we haven't been filming this whole time. Like when we make a show about it or are we basing a fictional show off of this prank that you pulled? No, we are filming the prank,

right? I mean, a lot of their early life is going to be filmed anyway because we're telling them they're famous and putting them on the news and that kind of stuff. But everybody knows it's not real, except for them. And then we say, oh, got you, all right? I mean, you could even do this with the current monarchy, which is where you dis ban the monarchy without telling them and let them keep going for a while.

And then you reveal it, and then you feel them stuff struggling to try and just live a normal life, get a job and that kind of thing. I think it would be really funny if you've preached trials or William or whatever, you know, someone with no real life skills, but all this privilege then has to go along to job interviews and that kind of thing and go. So we take away all their money. Try and get a license. Well, they don't really have any money.

They thought they did, but we were just tricking them by letting them spend it. Oh, I thought maybe this was just the reverse prank. We somehow get everybody who's involved in the sort of the monarchy to just say that they weren't. It was just a prank. And then 30 to 40 years later, we tell them, I'm just kidding, you are actually quite rich in yourself and kings and queens. Yeah. It's the, it's the, it's the what you would do for season two of your first

prank. I think that's a really good season two. Yeah. Todd, it's very often difficult to do a season two of a prank. Of a prank. Yeah, but you do the reverse prank. Yeah. There you go.

Ah, we got, yeah, because they will, they probably will have, you know, if you're a royal, you're probably interested in any kind of royal based shows that are on TV. Yeah. And you hear, so you go, you go, oh, there's a royal based reality TV series that's going for 30 to 40 years. Yeah. That would, I feel, get your attention at some point. Sure.

And then, and then I think you'd hear about it. And you'd go, oh my, you know, as somebody's telling you, you're also fake royal. You'd be devastated. You'd go, oh my God, I can't believe this. I thought they back story that they did, you know, was so extensive with the, all the paintings and the castles and stuff. Yeah, and I really thought that my grandfather was, you know, a king as well, and all that

kind of stuff. Yeah, and I really thought that my grandfather was, you know, a king as well, but I like it a lot. Do you think you would have to be done with orphans the first season? Or I just... I think it would have... I mean, it starts to feel very cruel then if it starts with orphans. That was sort of why half way through. I was like, maybe we could just do this with the real bodhicky because I started to worry about where we would get these people from

and then trick them into thinking that they're happy and wealthy and I here shoot it occurred to me that the only really way we could get it is if they were extremely poor and then you know that just seems that seems nasty I mean I suppose another another way you could do it is you could find somebody who's already extremely rich and then tell them that, oh, we've discovered that you were the next in line for the throne or whatever, but then you can't, you know, when you take that away, well, they just go back to being rich again. So yeah, and they probably also just would still enjoy some of their wealth while they were.

They could probably spend all of the monarchy's wealth. They probably could you cost your show a fortune. Yeah, they'd probably be better off at the end of this whole thing. Um, yeah, they probably invest it. And actually, we were like, Oh, well, then can I keep the profits? Do really well. Yeah. Essentially, I'm just getting alone, getting alone to invest, without having to pay any interest on that loan. Yeah. No, you're right. God, they're doing well. And they probably

to make me feel like they did, they are better than us. They played us this whole time. Like a kazoo. They put in their mouth and just kind of saying. So sort of talk with us in their mouth, yeah. Like you do with a kazoo. What if you could do that? Cause you could do that with somebody's finger. You could put somebody's finger in your mouth and you could just talk.

Yeah. But I don't mean like it's a cigar, although you could do that too. Hold the finger between your teeth and then just talk. You think that would be a nice date idea. First date, you go out with somebody and you sit across this special bar that you go to that has very small tables and then you just maybe there's a thing of hand sanitizer on the table you squirt it you both you know sanitize your hands especially in these this day and age and then you let it evaporate and then you both put your right fingers in each other index fingers in each other's mouth near the person bites down and it hard enough to kind of hold it in

place so the person doesn't have to like hold their arm up the whole time. It's like it's enough. Oh my God. It's hard. It's gonna be, they're gonna have to bite you quite hard to carry the weight of the arm. Well, I don't know.

Maybe they can have like, elbows, stirrups. That's nice. Yeah, I think that works. Yes. Especially when. And then you just talk to each other but you gotta keep your fingers in. That's nice. Yeah, I think that works. Yes. Special. And then you just talk to each other, but you've got to keep your fingers in each other's mouths. Do you think that would be anything?

Well, it could be something. Yeah. I mean, it feels like it's another base, right? Like, it sort of feels like it's pre-kissing because sort of digital sex, it's obviously sort of a foreplay version of penetrative other forms of penetrative sex for a lot of people. And it feels like that there could be a digital version of kissing with fingers in the mouth. So before you put your tongue in, you put your finger in. Does that make sense?

Yeah, I think so. Yeah. You know, just exploring the person's mouth with your finger. I think this could, I think this could be good. I think we should introduce. Also, you're exploring, you're allowed to explore the mouth. I guess that would make sense. Yeah. Well, your fingers are in the end. I mean, maybe you take turns, because I mean, you could do it maybe while you're talking,

because you wouldn't do it while the other person's talking. Explore their mouth. You know, it's kind of like doodling. You know, it's like, while you're talking, if you're exploring their mouth, like you like it, like you can't do it in their mouth, you know, that could be cool. But then as soon as it's their turn to talk, you can't keep moving your finger on, you gotta put it back in between the teeth.

No, that's very disrespectful. Yeah. Yeah, I like this as, you know, I love a new government program. But I think that the government introduces it. I think the new, the Prime Minister has come up with this new thing and they've started. I love the idea of the, the, the Prime Minister having ideas for getting dating things happening. Yeah. Why not? You know? Yeah, I love the idea of the the the primates having ideas for getting dating things happening. Yeah. Why not? You know? Yeah, I love it. Well, they're supposed to be. It's like it's like it's like an aunt that has bad ideas that you have to listen to.

Exactly. And yeah, you know, they start a public information campaign and they have sort of recruitment drives or whatever. Maybe there's some financial incentives for people to start doing this because they're that, the government, the prime minister in particular is that passionate about this new idea. You know, it's like, you know, that guy occasionally does the rounds on Twitter, some guy who invented a new kind of ball sports that involves like, it's called like bullet ball or something like that,

and it involves flinging balls with your arm on a table. Have you seen that? Well, I think I saw that guy's shark tank. Yeah, exactly. He went on shark tank. He was really, really committed. He'd spent all his family's money on this idea. What if that guy, but he had this idea about putting fingers in his mouth and he's also the Prime Minister and he's kept it under his hat this whole time, not that he's Prime

Minister or that he's had this idea. That he has this idea and he gets it under some other premise, right? Maybe it's he's got otherwise a really good campaign. You know, really good platform. He says he was, you know, he's really like anti-corruption and something like that. Yeah, exactly. And maybe he is.

But really, that's not what his agenda is about. I just like the idea of a prime minister, it's like, and the prime, you know, you're watching the news and it's like, says, and the prime minister is going to address the cameras now and we'll cut to that and you see him arrive and he goes, first thing he says is he approaches him and he goes, all right, what do you guys think about this one? You know, so I don't know, I think I like that he spitballed and spitballed on the national

stage. He goes, what do you think about this? All right, this dates, it's like a horse state. I think people love horses, right? But what about this? You're laying under like a glass floor, and the horses are walking above you, and you're just laying next to each other.

So it's like, you don't have that awkward thing of being face to face. And then sometimes like a horse pisses on you, and you're just like, what't have that awkward thing of being face to face. And then sometimes like a horse pisses on you. And you're like, what? Like that. And you kind of go in through something together. And I feel like that already is, you know, bonding you together.

Well, we all know that riding on top of a horse is very romantic as a date. Imagine how much being 10 feet above a date. I imagine how much being ten feet above a horse. You think that's what it is? You think it's the higher above a horse? Well, we don't know. We don't know. Yeah, I mean, this feels like a different idea where he's just speculating things and putting it out there. I like the idea of he has this as his personal passion project and he's got the political capital to push it through with the finger and the mouth thing. Now, as for your prime minister who's just coming up

with ideas for what could be his do with on dates and he's coming up with them in public. You know, I, I, I'm interested. Yeah. I also like to see him bringing it up in the, in the cabinet room to all of the other, his, his other colleagues. I like the thing that in the cabinet room he's just talking, he's just a straight talker talking about all the policy things that he's going to do and he's agreeing with that. And then he's like, okay, how about this, right? Backpacks for your legs. Like, okay, we've got cargo pants pockets there on

the side, right? And you might keep like a knife on the, or a gun on the inside of your leg. But there's no pockets for the back of your leg. Like a legs back. The calf, you know, back of the calf there. What are we putting there? Nothing, nobody's putting a pocket there, why not? He goes, I've got a whole department on it now.

You know what, I think that actually makes it more sense is a place to put a pocket, because the ones under your bum, when you sit down, they can often be quite uncomfortable. But the back of the calf there, that's never experiencing any pressure. That makes so much, that's a perfect place to put a pocket. Oh yeah, except for me when you're going down a big slide or something.

Even then, though, it's still preferable to have a get under your bum. Oh yeah, and also you could always slide on your belly. Exactly. That first. Yeah, so is this an idea, is this a sketch idea, Alsteer, that we've actually found the perfect place to put a pocket? It could be. sketch idea I'll stare, that we've actually found the perfect place to put a pocket. It could be. It could even be a little, a special little,

as you say, a backpack sort of thing that has its own straps and that straps onto the back of the leg there and you can put things down there. You know, even when you're wearing shorts then you can still have your little calf pocket. Mm. I think it could be Andy. You think it could be a sketch idea? Well, it's not a heaps of a sketch idea.

Okay, but Alan's there, but you know, I mean think about the character who's going to be pushing this. He's going to be wacky. The prime minister. He's the prime minister. I mean, I love the prime minister having a little side hustle. Push it a little something on the side. I'll be selling those on my red bubble. You guys can check that out.

Check out all my website. He just links people to his website, not the prime minister's website, like his own name. Yeah. It's good. You guys like this T-shirt? 35 bucks. He's just wearing a T-shirt. And it's his, he's wearing his own merch.

Yeah. I mean, the overalls, the overalls had the, to merit you to do that big middle pocket, didn't they? No other item of clothing has really done that middle of the chest pocket. No, no, no, no, no, let me think. I mean, you know, you've got your hoodies, but that's more of a belly kind of, that big belly trough. Yeah, and it's kind of like a tube.

It is kind of like a tube,, like a tube. It isn't kind of like a tube. And you could put your hands in there. But if you put actually keep stuff in that pocket, you look like a fucking loser. Right? You think so? Nobody actually keeps things in that pocket, do they? You could walk it with it around with a cobab in there. I don't know that that's wise. I don't know that that's a good idea. You're a deck of cards and maybe are one of those reverse guns. Nobody is doing a pocket that is waterproof, right? That is like sort of grease proof that you can keep food in.

You can keep wet food in, Right? Like just loose, loose soup. I mean, I wasn't going to go so far as to say loose soup. But, you know, a soup pocket. These are the only pads that have a soup pocket. Is interesting. I mean, to be. The overalls, the overalls front chest pocket feels like that would be perfect for soup and just like a little straw that you can drop down in there. Yeah, but you know, as a, when you're working on the works, I, this is a mistake I've made. Those high up pockets because you're bending down a lot to pick things up. Yeah.

That doesn't work. It feels like, but, you know, this would be good for like a cargo pants pocket or something like that. Yeah, but what if I had like, um, but what if I had like a zip lock on the top? Yeah, okay, I'll allow it. Yeah, I mean, I was thinking that if you were making a, a suit pocket, you'd make the top airtight and closable. Um, yes, unless I was also doing it for comedy purposes, in which case I think it would be funnier to have it open. Right? I think you could still spell it with it open. Yeah, but I just think I think as an idea, I think just a more or less normal pocket

that has been sealed so that soup won't leak through down below. But then that you can just, the soup is just there. It's just sitting there. I think that's fun. I get the purity, I get the purity and the, you know, when you come up with your sketch ideas, your products, for sketch ideas that you would like them to be funny. But for me, this is just a long game.

I'm actually hoping to eventually sell these products. I'm only using the guys of this sketch idea to see which ones are likely to work. Then I'm gone after that, as soon as one of these products takes off, it's all I'm waiting for. I think that is an interesting way to road test ideas. Because obviously, in comedy, you do want things to be ludicrous or heightened or you want things to be laughable, right?

In comedy. But in product design, in business ideas, you quite the opposite. You don't want things to be laughable. And while there are comedians who will go along to other people's sets and potentially, I think this was a bigger problem back in the day, but would wait for whatever got a laugh and then write that down and then steal that joke and do that joke. I think that there should also be business people and entrepreneurs who go along and wait for something

to not get a laugh. And then write that down and be like, well, that's not laughable. That could be taken very seriously. It could be taken very seriously. That's exactly the kind of thing I'm looking for. I'm going to steal that idea and go and use that at my non laughable business as a legitimate going concern.

That's not a joke, that's a going concern. I don't really know what the term going concern means. But. But you're just imagining a guy who's tightening up, he's tightening up a very serious speech by removing anything that could be potentially humorous. Exactly. Yes. Or just, or hoping for an actual business idea of some kind. For example, I think we can talk about Louis CK's bit.

What was it called, shitty ass pet fuckers? Yeah, I think we were thought, I thought, it was probably a shitty ass pet fuckers, or a stupid ass pet fuckers. Yeah, right. And it was his shop where he's fed, if he was a billionaire, he spends lots of money to make a pet shop where they have sex with the pets.

And he keeps opening up new stores all over the place. Now. And every can of food is a million dollars. Yeah. And the joke went well. But if that joke had gone badly, I think as a business person in the audience would have been justified in thinking, well, people aren't laughing because

that just sounds like a good business idea. And that's right. Would go away and try and get that off the ground. I suppose if his idea was we should make a pet store or everything is reasonably priced and we don't have sex with the pets. Yeah. Maybe because then people wouldn't laugh then and they'd be like, oh yeah. Yeah.

I think what you're talking about is that somebody up there reading a business plan. Exactly. Right. And I like the idea of this guy, the audience, furiously writing down the words, don't have sex with the pets and then underlining it several times. Underlining it, exclamation point, exclamation point. Then taking it back to the boardroom and saying,

fellas, I've cracked it. Well, all right, look, I'm just spitballing here, but what about this? We don't have sex with the pets. I mean, you'll weigh the joke there. If we're pitching this as a sketch, the joke there is just exactly the same in the end as Louis CK's joke. But we've just said that's only because we're basing it off of Louis CK's joke. We would have to. Come up with something else. Something else. Something else. Something else.

Is there anything there? Business, people. Yes. Going to open mics. And stealing the... Open mics and stealing the serious bits. Mm. Mm.

Yeah. Andy, do you think we should go to three? I think it's time, Alistair. Three lessons from a listener. I think that would be very wise. I think we should three words from a listener. Well, Andy, I don't know if you know about this, but we have listeners and one of them is called CRUD or K-RUD. And they're from Canberra, I think. And there's a chance that it's Kevin Rudd.

That's really exciting if that's the case. Hi, Kevin. This listener is in our discord Hi, Kevin. This listener is in our discord and they are posting whale facts almost every day. Yeah, rare about rare whales, rare whale facts. Some rare facts about common whales. It's a real good time. You should get into the discord link is in the comments or whatever. Yeah, and recently had some words from K-Rud on our bonus episode, Patreon episodes as well, which are going to go up tonight when I upload them.

That's incredible. Now, Crud also gave us, right before the 300th episode, sent in 103 word suggestion. I have been a little bit slack with the Patreon since the 300th episode I've not. I apologize to everybody, I've just, I think I've been worn out. And so I apologize, but so I didn't do all 100 of those and we didn't do them during the 300th episode, but we do have the first of those.

Do you want to try and guess what the first word of that first of a hundred is. Yeah, legitimacy. No, Andy. The first one is gigantic. Okay. The second word is cubic. No, Andy, the second one is marine. Gigantic marine animal.

I'm sorry Andy, that is incorrect. The third word is mammal. Ah. OK, great. Gigantic marine mammal. Now, well, this is something that... Let's picture what would a mammal be like in water? Okay, let's think of mammals.

There are pigs. Yep. There are dogs. Yep. So obviously, you know... Pig dogs. Kangaroos, possums. Kangaroos, rats. Yeah, rats. I mean this is the this is the width of

possible creatures a mammal can be but now we have to picture one of those in water Mm-hmm Yeah, wet Because you know obviously whales Because obviously whales are the blue whale, we're constantly told is not only the biggest animal alive now, but also is the biggest animal that has ever lived, which I can't get my head around when I see the size of this fucking big dinosaurs. I can't believe that the blue whale's bigger than that, but apparently it is. It's crazy that we're alive at the same time

as the biggest animal that's ever lived. That's a real treat. That's a real red treat. At least some of them. Yeah. But that doesn't mean that it's the biggest animal that will ever live, the biggest mammal, or biggest animal level.

No, of course not. And we have the potential, I think, as a species, to make a bigger one. You know, either by genetic engineering or some sort of extensive surgery. I think we could even, you know, we could even selectively. I think surgery would take ages. you know, we could even selectively. I think surgery would take ages. Yeah. Because you know, like, it's like one of those things where it's like people, you know, like sometimes just getting like a, you know,

I don't know, breast augmentation or something that can take four, five hours or whatever like that. So think how much it would take to get, you know, a mammal augmentation to the point that it's bigger than a whale, especially with the delicacies of surgery. Do you think this would be a keyhole surgery? A blowhole surgery. A blowhole. Also, you're suggesting that we make another animal that's bigger than the blue out and it has to be a whale?

I doesn't have to be. But we could even just pick one of the next, whatever the next whale down is and try and just pump it up somehow. We just get it over the line to be the largest. I don't know. But you could do something with all these bits of, you know, they stem cells and they can grow those football fields of skin from a, you know, from a baby's foreskin. Yeah. Feels like you only need two of those that you basically need to sort of seal up at the edges like a ravioli or whatever. So it's, you're like one of those little dumpling

you squeeze it around so you're making a football-sized baby's foreskin and then you're getting another one as well and you're sort of sealing it around the edge like that. And then you just need to find a way to make it alive. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like, now I know that, you know, I know that there's, you know, with trees you can sort of just graft a branch on. And I know with, you know, with other body parts, we've been able to just put a bit of, you know,

put a knee under the skin of a person or whatever like that, and then the body keeps it alive. Could you do that with something that's, you know, 10 times bigger than that animal? Could you, could you, could you sort of slide some of that under the skin of a rat? Yeah, I don't see why not. Like, you could just attach one to the very edge of it, right? And then I think that gets you over the line of being...

Yeah, just, but you'd want it to stay alive for a long enough, you know, like for a... For the Guinness. The thing where you put it in the water? I guess it would for a long enough, you know, like for a bit. For the Guinness. The thing where you put it in the water, I guess it would do better if it was a living creature that feasts off of its own flesh. I don't know what you'd fill up the middle of the dumpling with, maybe just fat. I mean, it could actually be quite useful, right? If we made a whole bunch of these things, right?

It's just like a rat on its back in the middle, floating on the top of one of these enormous sheets of foreskin, and you know, you get enough of those, sort of bobbing around it in the Atlantic or the Pacific. And they're going to potentially, you know potentially reflect some of the sun's light. They might even insulate the oceans from global warming in some way. It could be a really good idea. Sort of like a skin that comes before the ocean. Yeah, yeah.

I before skin. But like a rat. Exactly. But kept alive by like a central rat. Yeah. That's right. And it's back. And so it's like a rat with its own island.

Like it's like a creature that is its own island. Exactly, how is it here? It keeps its island alive and then maybe probably helps feed the plankton with its dead skin cells that fall away. Yeah, or... Which let's be honest, with its heart probably can't sustain keeping all of that alive. Yeah, I think. That's the veins in there, right?

Yeah, I mean, but you know, it could be very thin, right? I mean, yeah, it'd be difficult. There'd be a big pumping job. But maybe the movement of the waves will help to circulate some of the essential nutrients, which I believe, or I imagine I delivered to the rats by especially trained sea birds. Yeah, I mean, maybe it could the rats by especially trained sea birds. Yeah, I mean, maybe it could just be a bit of lung tissue so that it's all absorbing air and so that it all lives. That's a really good idea.

You know, if it's lung tissue, does it need to have blood flowing through it or is it get enough access to air? Yeah. Well, I mean, it would only be a question whether or not it needs other kinds of nutrients as well. But, you know, also for this to technically be a mammal, which it has to be, it does also need to like sort of reproduce and feed its young with milk and that kind of thing. And I think it's going to need to be a couple of these rat-thickster reproduces. They probably get picked up by the wind a fair bit. This is a really, this is nothing. This is a very unpleasant, nothing of an idea.

But they probably get picked up by the wind a lot and probably land on each other. That's true. You know, rats have a very quick breeding thing. And the only problems that we have to change their DNA so that they get this big pouch on their back when they're born. Mm. Yeah. They don't dumpling back water. that they get this big pouch on their back when they're born. They all dumbling back water rat. Water rat. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Anyways, is that not anything? Is that anything? I don't know, I'm sorry, Crud. No, no, no, no, no, Alistair, you definitely don't apologize. I mean, again, I find, I find the idea of somebody proposing this funny. I find the possibility that this is what we end up with as our solution to climate change.

I find that quite funny. Possibly aliens coming down and seeing that this is what we've done to the oceans and us having to explain that that was that was where we ended up. So many dead rats just flow out of the ocean, lots of the oxygen to the fish. I mean I think it's less funny if the rats are dead. I think that's unpleasant. Yeah. Any of these jokes get tired eventually.

I think, you know, if they're alive and they're sort of screeching, I've also been picturing that they're bald rats. I don't know if you've been picturing that. That they're sort of fleshy and pink in the middle of their big lily pads. You know, I've been picturing routes with hair, struggling on their back, but their feet are bald in my mind. And that'll do.

I think it's possible that maybe sometimes, it's just somebody who creates it at first just to create the biggest mammal, but then as it becomes more and more of a problem, they have to come up with more reasons for why they did it to justify this mess that they've made. Oh wow, so it does, they are sort of breeding sort of almost out of control on the oceans, are they? Mmm, imagine what they would be like finding like finding these kind of, all this like these pancake, the crumpled pancakes of skin on the beaches.

And then you kind of like lifting it up to try and see what the fuck this thing is. This, this, this sale of sort of thin, stretched out baby skin. And then you pick it up and then as you're picking it up and lifting it up, this rat is in there and you go, wow, let that and you try to like shoe the rat, but it's attached.

You know, and this is something that's washing up on beaches all over the world. Yeah. And that's just a small one. The biggest ones are, I mean, it's amazing that as humans, everything else that we've, well, because the big ones aren't they, you know, size of football fields. Yeah, I'm just what I'm talking about. You're finding all this material, you know,

this is skin care. I just wasn't picturing, I couldn't picture how you would pick it up and then find a wrap in it, if it's a size of a football field. Well, yeah, but the rat's going to be in the middle. So how are you going to get to the rat? Well, it's all crumpled. It's not going to be perfectly stretched out. But I think it's amazing that as human beings, given the, all the pollution that we've done and the introduced species that we've

introduced all over the place, the fact that we haven't infested the oceans with rats so far is actually pretty remarkable. And I think we don't give ourselves enough credit for that. Yeah, I suppose it's a little treat that we give the world that it doesn't seem to appreciate. Yeah. And should we wrap this up? Yeah, okay.

This podcast is going too good. I think it's dangerous. It's a great return to form. Yeah. Thank you. Oh, I gotta go through the sketch ideas. All right. You, you're okay. Skip one. You're so happy here. We've realized you can look we can lower your pay.

Yeah. That's the first one. Then we got satirical gun. Then we got asking Prince Charles to adopt you to continue being raised or to resume being raised. Then tell people they are monarchy, reality TV show, plus season two where you tell monarchy that they're regular people and that it was just a reality show. And then, you know, that's fun. Then we got the finger in the mouth first date. It's the Prime Minister's idea. And then we just have a slight half sketch, which is just the PM pitching ideas on national TV.

Yeah, great. After being in very serious meetings where he's agreed to talk about, I mean, this is essentially we're probably describing Trump. Yeah. I guess I inject bleach. Oh my god, we are. Yeah. Well, he never pitched that underneath a horse date idea. And that's true. That's going to be a great idea. You could probably have tracks under some bits of the glass that can transport

like food to you, you know, in between. Yeah, like a gold-class experience. That's nice. Yeah. Are we cool? Anyway, then we got business people going to open mics and stealing the serious bits. And then dumpling back water rat creating a larger animal than the blue whale.

I mean, the phrase dumpling back water rat creating a larger animal than the blue whale. I mean, the phrase dumpling gas water rat is, it was worth it for that, I think. It's creating a larger animal than a blue whale, and by the looks of it on a budget. Because this isn't the, you know, this isn't the, you know, the best one that you can make, but it's the best that we can make with the money that we currently have available.

Exactly. We started a Kickstarter saying we were going to make a bigger animal than the blue whale. And it was oversubscribed. We had all this money, but then it turned out to be much more complicated than we thought. And this is what we ended up with. Well, I didn't hear any of that, but I'm assuming that it was good. Just sorry. I just, I didn't hear because you just, your thing keeps cutting out.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Ella said, geez. It's okay. Let's do the beat bit. I'm crumbling. It's listening to the Beatles' lead-up beat album today. Some real bangers on that album. It's really good. Yeah. Oh, she doesn't love lead Let It Be itself, but the album. Be your big fan to get back. Like Get Back, I love across the universe. I love that other one.

It's on at the start. I mean, me, mine, not such a big fan of that, but you know, it's, it's, it's pretty good. The Bables. Give them a listen. If you guys, if you guys have, you know, if they're performing live, you know, look out for that. Thank you very much for listening to the episode. We have really enjoyed doing it, even if we are crumbling. You can support us by just you know looking us up on Twitter or you know iTunes or whatever it's called now. Patreon.

You can look up the pop test which is our other show. We're gonna be recording some soon again. Have you been a guest on anyone else's podcast recently, Alistair? I think I've mentioned, oh no, I was on Do-Go-On. That's right, you were. I did an episode of Do-Go-On. And I did lit for Clit. It was the history of the Clitoris. That's very funny.

It's a really fantastic episode. I think it was fun. I think I've become the genital guy for that podcast. I come on and do reports about genitals Yep, people are people are calling for Waka for Kloaka or maybe an a-ness one I saw a lot of people saying heinous for Nuts for bots or heinous for a-ness, but that doesn't make sense, but somehow I like the rhyme Insanis in sinus for a-ness for anis, and you did it. You made it.

You think would you say that sounds pretty Latin? Yeah, really, really, very Latin. All right, Al. Let's wrap it. Thanks everybody. We love you very much. Love. Love you.

See you. Goodbye. Bye. I love you. See you. Goodbye. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time. Mycomputercareer.edu