Simple Swedish Podcast - 315 - "CLEAR MY DIARY"

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

Clear My Diarrhea, Hotel Marriage, Universal Problemeter, DNA Dining, Horrifying Aged Care Bots, Godzilla On A MotorbikeYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastJoin the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereDramatic thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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I'm a gravy, gravy, gravy guy. Conan, I am a gravy guy. I love my Conan gravy guy. Hello. I'm a cookin'. And welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. Ideas.

Hello. Je suis Alasdair. Bonjour. Georges William Tremblay Birchall. And... Et bienvenue à tous deux dans la... La tanque à pence tank-a-pence. Tank-a-pence.

Tank-a-pence. Tank-a-pence. I don't know what tank is in French. I think you nailed it. Tank. Yeah. I am recording this from my childhood bedroom. And I will be... Childhood bedroom. Childhood bedroom.

I will be bringing much of that energy, steeped in nostalgia and also an awkwardness about anything too weird that we talk about on the show. Also, that will be amplified by the fact that my very small children are trying to go to sleep in the next room. So it is, as we call it, the golden scenario, the golden scenario for podcasting. Andrew has gone. Did you mention that you've gone to an even further away home, to the Isle of Tasmania?

I've found the one place in the world that has worse mobile phone reception than my previous house. It was my previous previous house here in Tasmania, the Emerald Isle. Andy's true dream Andy's true dream and fantasy of trying to sustain a

career in the arts whilst actually living even further away where it's completely unmanageable well it's true fantasy maybe having another three children maybe even burying himself up to his neck ah and just and that's head first by that by by the way that's uh what's called the the Dutch neckberry, which is where you... And then somehow with his mouth just doing woodwork, while the phone, which is a phone that doesn't work...

No, that's not true. My phone does work, but it only makes outbound calls and only when I've got Bluetooth headphones attached, and then only sometimes for some reason. But as you can tell right now, we're talking, we're communicating, Alistair. You're doing your traditional. I mean, if the phone was really not working, how would you be able to be doing this traditional ribbing of all of my life choices?

Ribbed for your pleasure, Alistair. That's how I like to be. Yeah. Well, I'm also... Ribbed for your pleasure, Alistair. That's how I like to be. Yeah. Look, I've also left the city, the big city, to go to the country for Christmas.

Are you also in your childhood bedroom? It's unattended if you need to rob it. Yes. And all of my valuable notebooks are in there with all the ideas that you've already got on the podcast. I'm asking you, are you also in your childhood bedroom? No, but I'm in Indiana's parents' music room. Ah, your childhood parents' music room.

But I did discover myself sexually in this room. And so I think it's the same as it being my childhood bedroom yeah you got uh you got some you got some old diaries in there some of your old no this is the place where i first touched myself ah in the music room yeah well as in you know in a jazz yeah sure the old you played the old uh black oboe if you know what i'm saying that's a regular oboe the one that's the one string banjo it's a banjo with one string we could only afford one string that's how poor we were One string. We could only afford one string.

That's how poor we were. How about this? A penis with five banjo strings. There you go. It's the old tenor penis with the five banjo strings. A traditional... This is a more traditional appellation penis. I'm sorry. So many of our sketches have been penis-based. One of the fretless ones.

Oh, yeah. Alistair, my goodness. I, 24 hours ago, was experiencing the most intense food poisoning episode of my life, of my short life. Was it a bottle? It was one of those bottle episodes where you just stayed in one room. That's right.

Yeah. Well, and it was a very small room. It was like the movie Phone Booth, but the terrorist threatening me was inside my own gastrointestinal tract. And it wasn't a phone booth. It was a toilet. And... There should be...

Maybe there is a film like this, a bottle film like this. But it's about being sick. And then your kids also being sick. So you can't even lay there and feel sorry for yourself. Well, I'll tell you. Because that was the case. being sick so you can't even lay there and feel sorry for yourself well i'll tell you because that was the case so uh two of my three children also were vomiting heavily that night um and so let me just guess was this a sort of steak that you found on the side of the road that you ate

this is somebody's thrown away this perfectly good chew we think we think it might have been been a sandwich that was made for us by some very good friends of ours that we will never be bringing up, apart from the sense in which we have already brought it up several times over about eight hours. We all brought it up again and again and again, but we won't be bringing it up with them, if you know what I'm saying. But, wait, what was I saying?

Oh, yes. Well, this was the thing about having everybody else in the family be sick. It made the times when I was vomiting and, like, reaching and feeling awful in the bathroom, it made them actually almost pleasurable because I didn't have to deal with everybody else. I was like, oh, a little bit of time to myself. You see, no matter what situation you're in, there's always a holiday. That's right. You know, and your version of a holiday was having a good old spew.

And you're like, gosh, it's great not to have to worry about anybody else for just a moment. Yeah, it's nice to just have a worry about anybody else for just a moment. Yeah, it's nice to just have a bit of daddy spew time, you know? Can I not just get a couple of moments to myself to just spew? You know... Gosh, you know, when I'm spewing, that's me time, kids. I don't need you asking me how you plug in the thing. That's daddy's time. I'm in there.

I'm spewing. I get to do a little bit of scrolling on the phone. A little bit of spewing. That's great. Now, is this a sketch? I hope that that gets back to the people on Facebook and Twitter, how effective their addiction algorithm is. Yeah, I couldn't stop looking even while I was vomiting.

I actually enjoyed a couple of people's jokes. Yeah. Actually, while I was... Sometimes, you know, you stick your fingers down your throat to try and get things moving. I found that I just went through a few of my blocked tweets, blocked people on Twitter, and it really got...

Really got... Yeah. Really opened the floodgates. What's the sketch here? Well, the sketch here, Alistair, is it's a product, and we come up with a lot of these, product for parents, right? But it is, basically, it's a product, and we come up with a lot of these, product for parents, right? But it is basically,

it's a product that guarantees eight hours of diarrhea, right? And that's Utah. It's a what that guarantees that? What's that? What did you say? It's a something, what is it that guarantees eight hours of diarrhea? It's a product, right? It's a drug. It's a little tablet. It's a pill you can pop. It's a thing you put under your tongue, right? And it guarantees eight hours of uninterrupted diarrhea.

It's very well designed because it doesn't waste all the diarrhea early on. It paces itself, right? And it will be a block of eight hours, and that can just be you time on the phone on the toilet right and nobody can ask anything of you because you've got diarrhea and if anybody asks you to prove it because you know sometimes things get difficult in the parenting spectrum and someone will say are you sure you've been in there a while? Do you really have diarrhea? You'll be able to

prove the existence of the diarrhea. Oh yeah. You can go stand outside the door and just listen. It's called daddy-rea. Nah, that's terrible. Daddy-rea. It's called clear my diarrhea. Clear my diarrheaarrhea. Clear My Diarrhea.

I think it's good. That's a really good product because that was the best three days of the pandemic so far was really early on when I had to get tested. And I had three days of just isolating in the bedroom. From your family. Like food. i'm sorry i want to help but the government says i can't i can't lift my weight but it was also it was also indiana sort of makes she's like no no you got to isolate from us to make sure that you know and then at the end of it i'm pretty sure those rules were slackened for any doubtful moments yeah um but three days where meals were just left outside the door it's like and i just sat there i i wrote a kid's book you know it's like being in a hotel you know it really is um you know this whole family thing would be way easier if one of us didn't have to

do anything it should well we should like i mean the real gift in a marriage partnership is we should just take turns waiting hand on foot yeah with to the other person so that well the days that you're on it's real bad it's tough you are not equipped to take care of three kids and their partner it's a lot worse than it was before but on the days off where you you guilt-free completely off the as soon as soon as you sigh and like try to make the other person feel bad while they're you know reading their paper while you're struggling with the kids as soon as you you get punished with like another half oh yeah there's a governing body i mean if you want to set this up you know a lot of people

are are uh experimenting with different you know polyamory relationship types yeah relationship types and things like that this is a normal relationship diversifying but one day a week it turns into a hotel arrangement. Not one day a week. Half of the week. You alternate days. Half of the week, so there's no time at which you're both buried. No. In a way, it sounds like half of the week you get to be one of the kids.

Right? Well, but the kids aren't allowed to bother you either. Oh, yeah, okay, I see. Yeah, because if you really were one of the kids, then you'd have to go along to all their things and you'd have to play with them and stuff. Yeah, do all their stuff. Yeah, okay.

Anyway, just something to think about. It's a, well, you know, why not a parent? And it's, well, you know, why not? Why not a parent? It's a, we provide structures to make your day, to make your marriage better. A lot of people, they just try to improve their marriages by trying to get the people to talk. Communication, sure. Communication, all that kind of stuff.

But there must be another way and we're willing we don't we're going to find it and we don't care how many relationships we ruin in her attempt to make to somehow hack the relationship more enjoyable for these people now you know there's there's got to be some diversity in there would it make it more enjoyable or would it just make people not want to leave right because i don't think that the relation i don't think the relationship is going to get any stronger but i think people are going to want to stick around for their three and a half days right well you think that they're just going to stick around for three and a half days well Right? Well, you think that they're just going to stick around for three and a half days and then they're going to leave? Well, but then they're going to want their next three and a half days.

You know, I think they're going to want, I think they're always going to, you're going to get addicted to that bit of the relationship. I don't think you're going to, I don't think the relationship itself is going to be strong, but you're going to have people sort of staying in them. Sure. But it's also no longer needs to be a partnership.

Yeah, that's true. It just becomes a sort of a parasitic concept that consumes two people's lives. But you know that just, you know, depending on how well, how well you pamper your partner on your day on, that you know that that could be coming back at you, you know. But if you try to take it out on them, you know, try to like, you know, you drop the dish a little bit too heavy and things like that. Well, that's what's coming to you.

Yeah. So it brings very much a, a Jesusy kind of do on to others. Sure. Sure. This is probably, you know, since Jesus couldn't have sex,

cause I guess he was a priest. Who's the first priest. Right. Um, he probably would have had a relationship like this where, you know, you're turning the other cheek, but you're,

you're turning your cheek away so that you don't see the kids and all the stuff that needs to be done to help them um all right so i think this is a sketch idea alistair and you're moving it towards like a mouthful of pasta is that why is that why you're turning the cheek to move it towards a mouthful of pasta i know but also away from what kind of the responsibility whatful of pasta. I know, but also away from the responsibility. What kind of pasta do you think you're getting? Because pasta can be a pretty standard dish. Yeah.

For some reason, I imagine Jesus eating a creamy kind of carbonara type thing with a real pork-heavy kind of pancetta. Wow. Jesus was fine with pork wasn't he yeah i think that was his defined one of his defining features clearly because he was born jewish right but then he was a christian he was the first christian i assume therefore he must have been the the pivot point on a pro-pork trajectory. He pivoted to pork. He dug on that swine. Pivoted to exclusively pork. Eat this pork for it is my flesh. That would have made more sense though, you know, instead of bread.

That would make sense because it's a white meat. Because it would have been meat. It apparently tastes like man. Is that right? No, we taste like chicken. Do we taste like chicken? Is that what people say? Or we say we taste like pork?

No, I think they say long pig. Long pig. Right, of course. Well, there you go. I think that is a sketch idea, Alistair. It's the... You go along to a relationship counsellor and you expect them to be telling you to communicate and you're like, we've tried that.

It's not working. They say, well, we've got something a little stronger. This is experimental. Okay. This is day on, day off. Yeah. They... You know what? They don don't anybody can be they don't

prescribe this unless it's a real desperate situation yeah but also it's like you're like a it's like you're a billionaire the second day that that day off day on day off oh man what a dream let's turn this baby into a transaction honey like that it's like you know it's like it's like being you know an employee on the one on the day on but then like being the boss on the day off well i mean you know what and being an employee people stick in jobs for years you know and you can sort of just switch off right and get through. As long as you can really enjoy your day off, that's fine. That's what parenting is all about, just switching off. Oh, my God, it's so much switching off.

Like, so much switching off to the point where if you've had a couple of big days in a row, you're like, I don't know how to switch back on. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, it's all, I've got to try and boot this system back up. And I think all the pipes have seized. I think the... Oh, no. There is no...

Controls have fused. There's nothing to switch back on. It's like trying to restart one of those coal-fired power stations. You can't just switch this thing on and off. It's going to take months to get it back up. That's crazy. Yeah, I don't know why it is, but switching back on a coal-fired power station is a big operation.

Yeah. Do you think they haven't tried those little white fire lighters? Little fire lighters. Yeah, that you think they haven't tried those little white fire lighters? Little fire lighters. Yeah, that must be it. It's probably just that... It's pretty hard to get a rock to catch fire. I think it's because they're in there with the little scraps of paper and the bits of egg carton and stuff,

and they're trying to make a little teepee out of twigs. The twigs are all wet. You're crushing the coal. You're trying to make it smaller, so it's like kindling. How the fuck do we start this? Coal kindling? Is it coal kindling?

Is that what you reckon? Coal kindling. Yeah, it's just dust. Coal dust. Coal dust. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I imagine at some point there are firelighters involved. Little samba chips or whatever they're called yeah um yeah fire letters um so some of

those some of those remember some of those logs that dr brown invented for the for the uh steam engine that were like kind of colorful what is this dr brown invented remember like in in back to and back to the Future? Oh, that Dr. Brown. I was thinking of the clowning performer. Oh, sorry. Dr. Brown from the future. The absurdist clowning mime invented a type of colourful fire log. And then, you know what?

I was prepared to believe it. Yeah. Well, the Californian Dr. Brown, the one that you're discussing, he did spend a lot of time, he was a big camping guy, I think. Right. Riding bikes and things like that. You could imagine someone like that developing a new type of log. So, yes, yeah, you're right.

Dr. Brown did invent some sort of colourful burning log. I don't know which episode that was in, but that really rings a bell. It was in the cowboy one. It was number three, and it was what you put in the engine of the locomotive. You're right. Yeah, you're right. So the smoke changes colour. God, they're good films.

And that first Indiana Jones film, also very good. Are they all written by Robert Zemeckis? I don't know. I don't know. I have to go back and see. I want to know more about him, and I want to know more about his writing method. His writing process? And one of the things I want to know about him

is whether or not it actually was him that wrote those films that I'm talking about. And then after I know that, I might or might not want to know anything more about him. Yeah. But then I guess you have to also find out if he's been accused of anything or whatever and then you go,

Oh, I'm not sure if I should follow in this guy's footsteps all right so this is this this would be a this would be this is a thing that you can put on your wikipedia this is sketch idea i'll say write this down get ready to write this down it's a sort of a plug-in or something that you can have in your google chrome that automatically when you go to anybody's Wikipedia page, it puts the controversy segment right at the top. So then you know whether you should keep reading. The controversy goes right at the top even before the name of the person because you already know the name if you've typed it in or whatever.

You just click through and up the top. That's the controversy. Or it's a totally new type of Wikipedia, right, where you go and if the person is problematic, it just says problematic and that's all it says, right? But if they're not problematic, then it has all the information that Wikipedia would otherwise have and you can go ahead and read about them.

That being said, very often, if somebody is problematic, the very reason that I'm going to their Wikipedia page is to read about the problems. So I think I'll go back to the first one, the one about where just the controversy section is at the top. Sketch idea. Don't you think, Alistair? I think if there was just like a, you know, if people clicked yes or no, whether or not they thought that this person was problematic every day.

And then you could get a judge on what the public opinion is yeah and then you could be like oh yeah we've we've forgiven them for that now they've done their time yeah okay oh that would be good and maybe there could be a graph you could you could track it sort of like with those worm things that they have for elections and you can also see whether or not you know people who aren't problematic. Is this for everybody or just people who've been cancelled? You know, because if it's for everybody, you can also check out other people

and see what their trajectory is like. And if it's a bad-looking trajectory, if it's a bad-looking trajectory, you can jump off the ship a little bit early, right? And then you can be one of those people who says, you know what, I never trusted that guy you know yeah so am i writing this down yeah i think so what is so what what is it summarize it for me uh it's the universal problem meter and uh you know universal problem i guess it doesn't even have to be everyone it doesn't have to be universal but what it'll be is that in the morning you'll get five people's names five celebrities or

public figures names appear on your phone right and and that's it they do it but they send it to everyone in the world right so by that in in that way everybody gets it gets you know it's a it's a decent sample size right everybody gets a different you know randomized selection of people everybody quick it's so quick you can do it before you get out of bed first thing you look at the time on your watch on your phone and you click your five people and that's what you got to do actually you unlock your phone now that's you can't they don't even let you in your phone unless you've selected yeah they don't even let you see the time i don't even let you see the time you want to see the time you got to tell us what us. What do you think of Bob Mortimer?

Right? You're like, oh, yeah, I love Bob. Great. What do you think of, and this is even historical figures, you know, what do you think of Ray Charles? Okay. Yeah. What do you think of sort of a, what's that lady there?

Eleanor of Ecotain. Yeah, sure. Oh, you were thinking Eva Peron? Yeah, Evita. Evita, yep. Yeah. And so, you know, what do you think about her? And you go, oh, all right.

But the problem is that if it's like those Google, you know those ads that you get on youtube that are like a questionnaire yeah you ever get those yeah yeah i click away from them so fast you know well that's the thing is that i don't answer them accurately i just click whatever i can as quick as i can. Oh, sure. And move. So then, because I'm like, I'm not giving you accurate information. You're getting in the way of things. Well, we have a way of finding out if you're doing that. And then we'll shut your phone down. We'll brick your phone. If you give, because we also have the public, the broader public spread of these things.

And if you give answers, five days in a row, if you give answers that contain too many outliers, then we broke your phone. And it might just be that you have a different view about what's considered problematic. Well, I'm sorry. The price for that independent thought is having a non-functional smartphone. It's amazing.

We got all the world governments to sign up to this, but we did. We got them all on board. Oh, Andy. This was... Oh, Andy, if these walls could yawn. Did you just hear a yawn coming in? No. I was just picturing us trying to pitch this at a writers' meeting.

So it's this universal problem meter where we test the daily temp of celebs. I think, I know, Alistair, I'm not going to let you talk this idea down. I think we can put it together a very snappy package yeah and you know yeah we you if we're pitching this to snl this is probably the best idea they've had in six years so you've got to realize how excited they're going to be right and you know they can they can put together a snappy package that'd be cool you know and especially i guess if if every time you go into problematic and then you come out of it every time you go into the you know like if you're a celebrity you go into the problematic everyone gets an alert on their phone it pigs up everybody gets an alert all your people

and and then you know like your your management leave you and things like that. But then as soon as you go back in, they go, well, we've decided to join back up after a thoughtful period of a party. Yeah, we think they've done the work and their sincerity, etc. Yeah, that's exciting. etc. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's exciting.

What about a new type of eating where you can... It's a new type of eating, but where you can splice, when you eat it, whatever it is you eat, you start to splice that thing's DNA with your DNA. Ah, it's a UI what you eat. Is that where you started with this idea? Andy, Andy, I am flying by the seat of my pants. It's a UI, what you eat. Is that where you started with this idea? Andy, Andy, I am flying by the seat of my pants. I'm not having other thoughts.

You've heard the whole thing. Yeah, okay, great. So there's no hidden agenda. Ah, yes. What is the origin of this thought, Andy? I didn't know what the end of the sentence was when I started the sentence. Yeah, okay. Splice dining, you reckon.

The DNA goes straight into your DNA, right? Like it would normally, like the amino acids and the ATP once upon a time and the embodied energy would have gone into your body. It's all of that, but with the DNA. So as you eat something, you're changing. Well, maybe it's just like, it adds. Let's say you're eating a big bowl of like, you know, grapes or something like that, right? Big bowl of what?

A big bowl of grapes. Grapes, of course. Grapes, okay. And then this would be, there's two little mouths. There's a big bowl of grapes. Grapes. Of course. Grapes. Okay. And then this would be, there's two little mouths. There's a mouth on each shoulder. Little ones. Right?

And you feed it there. And then it takes the DNA from the grapes. And it just adds it on to the end of your DNA strands. So you're not losing any stuff you're gaining new stuff and then suddenly you start growing vines and maybe you can control the vines with your mind well i mean maybe but maybe not right we don't really know what's gonna happen um well we don't know yeah now um you've got it on you say you've got a little mouth on each shoulder right so what i like to think is that you put a couple of grapes in one shoulder, right?

That adds the grapes onto your DNA, right? But then you think you've got too much grape DNA, you start popping them into the other shoulder. And that takes that off your DNA, like by the amount. So you say, you know, six grapes in or too much. Take off two and a half grapes. There we go. That's the perfect amount of grape DNA. Yeah.

Well, it could also be that or it could be that like the DNA gets attached with like a kind of like a trailer hitch, you know? Yeah. You know, it gets attached. It's attached. But then if you shake yourself really hard that bond can be broken so let's say you you spend all night you're just smashing grapes yeah and then suddenly you you get really viney you wake up in the morning you are so viney big night on the grapes you're you know you're um you've you've got've got things of grapes growing on you.

You've got a real, in the morning, you've got a real bad hangover. And by a hangover, I mean the thing that is hanging over you is a beautiful canopy of grapes. Like one of those, like a Mediterranean gentleman's veranda. That's what you look like. Exactly, yeah. You're like an Italian immigrant's porch.

Yeah. It's actually Deanna's parents' backyard porch kind of has these grape vines over the top there. There is a season there in which you can just be eating grapes straight. You could probably walk and not even have to tilt your head up and you could be

eating grapes great without even slowing down wow um but yeah so then you get to experience what it's like to be part person part grapes and then if you're like oh actually i'm sick of this or i've gone too far you just get somebody who you know to just shake you and that will loosen up that trailer hitch bond and that will fall off and then the grapes will eventually just get processed the grapes will eventually wither and die. Yeah. The branches will curl up and fall off your body. And you'll have these sort of like exposed sort of vine stumps that will eventually heal over with scar tissue. Yeah.

There'll be a lot of like, yeah, there'll be like a lot of open wounds where that wood was kind of... There'll be all sorts of funguses and that sort of thing starting to grow on the decaying plant matter. But eventually, you know, after years of rehabilitation, you'll be able to re-enter society and start eating once again. Start eating this time. Try dates.

This time, try green grapes. Palm tree trunk. Yeah. Okay, Alistair. It's a sketch idea. It's a sketch idea, Alistair. It's a new type of eating where the DNA of the thing that you're eating goes onto your DNA with a trailer hitch.

Finally, a classic sketch idea. It's all right. It's going to be a snappy package. Now we're going back to basics. Absolutely. Speaking of back to basics, Alistair, before the podcast, we did... I had to learn to walk again after my big diarrhea yesterday. How did you explain being constipated?

Sorry? How did you explain being constipated? You said it was a period of being a butthole. What is it? No, a wink. Yeah, a long anal wink. Sorry. A long anal wink.

Sorry, I'm feeling a bit unsettled. I'm going through a long anal wink. Now, what that is, is it's a euphemism that sounds a lot worse than the original thing. And I think that's exciting. It's, you know, because constipation,ation you know it's a very medical term i don't know i've never understood it people talk about being regular right being regular yeah seems to be you know a thing for the elderly is that right that like once you get older you get very concerned with being regular and it never occurred to me that regular um i'd always assume that it it meant it referred to specific to

regularity right this was for people who just wanted things to happen at a specific time of day every day and i was like jeez that's specific i mean who's who really wants that? But it just means regular like, look, at least it's happening, you know? Yeah, I think some people do aim for it to be around the same time. They aim for that? I think so. I think people, I mean, I don't think it's just my lifestyle can make it work. I don't think I eat consistently well enough at regular times. I think I spend too much money on takeaway for it to ever be possible for me to be regular or live to beyond 60. It's an impossible dream at this point. Yeah. or live to beyond 60.

It's an impossible dream at this point. Yeah. You know, my kid asked me not that long ago, he go, they went, hey, in 2028, did I tell you this already? No, I don't know. Sorry. You see, I said, in 2028, are you and mom going to still be alive? Can I?

In 2028? Yeah. Are you and mom going to still be alive? 2028? Why, are you booking a trip? Because, yeah, I'm hoping's only that's only seven years like so how old do you think you'll die and i go oh hopefully in another 50 years or something like that yeah okay cool yeah all right yeah we can put that to the back of the mind. Yeah, great.

Thank you. I'll try and chill out about it. Hopefully, at a time where we started to be a burden and afterwards you can say, honestly, it's a bit of a relief. That's the best gift you can give your kids. You think so? Oh, yeah. You know people talk about having having kids so that they get somebody takes you know they got somebody to take care of you

when you're old you know i don't want my kids to have to take care of me when i'm old yeah my god be a transaction i want your kids to have to take care of me when i'm old yeah somebody else's kids oh you know like kids know, like kids, I don't know. Who's going to do, like I've never done a good job of anything. I want to pay somebody who's, and that's the influence I'm giving on my kids. I need somebody who is like, you know, top of their class, but couldn't quite, you know, but couldn't quite, I don't know. They ended up having a kid or something like that and then went into nursing as a passion. I mean, really, if we want people to look after us when we're old, what we as a generation need to do is start gaslighting our kids and all the ones who are really conscientious, hard workers.

our kids and all the ones who are really conscientious hard workers you know um i guess i i guess i'm on the on the i'm on a track towards saying something that i don't mean and don't believe about caring professions so i'm actually going to stop so stop this line of discussion okay great yeah i actually think the people who do that probably are exactly all the things that i'm talking about and already yeah and so i yeah we could stop that really what we need is it is actually really what we need is robots robots and i think that the robots that eventually do take care of our elderly at the moment we're building them to sort of look like humanoids, right? But the way that technology pans out is never the way that you'd expect. And I think ultimately, the kind of robots that will be successfully able

to take care of the elderly, and this isn't pleasant, right? But this is what they're going to look like. Will look like forklifts. Well, I was going to say something worse. I mean, probably forklifts, right? And we'll just shuffle. Probably like what? No, but you're probably right.

Probably like forklifts. I was going to say they're going to sort of look like a tray full of ooze, right? It's going to be a tray full of ooze. And the ooze is going to be sort of disinfectant ooze right it's going to be a tray full of ooze and the ooze is going to be sort of disinfectant ooze that a person can basically just lie in and it's fine and you can just like a a tub that is self-driving yeah it's a self-driving tub of ooze and it's going to have tentacles right like big black tentacles right and it'll drive up next to a bed and the tentacles will worm their way out now they'll be covered in the ooze as well which makes it easy for them to

slide under the elderly person on the bed and then it sort of wraps them up like an octopus and then rolls them down into the ooze and they lie there in the ooze and it rolls them around in the ooze to clean them off and sometimes it drives them to a different location and then it rolls them back up out of the ooze onto a on you know holds them up in the air onto something that sort of sprays them clean and and and and dries them off and then it rolls them back and rolls them back out onto the bed again. But it's much more likely going to be something like that than it is a big, friendly, warm, embracing thing.

Because this is just going to be what the mathematics of massive aged care in the future demands i think as long as the tentacles are warm i think it's fine i'm afraid the tentacles aren't warm they're like they are they are exactly the same temperature as the icy hand of death don't ask me how we found out that exact temperature but that's just what the dictates of the market ended up with. It's a coincidence. It's a coincidence, but that's where it ended up. It's a trade show for aged care bots.

These are the ones that should be around when I'm old now. Now, this is nice. This is nice. I mean, it's better. Look, it's not as ready to go. Hit the nursing home floors as the forklift over there. Obviously, that's got all the lifting. You know, obviously, it's like, you know, you can probably put food on the end of a forklift and drive it towards the mouth and go, here comes the airplane.

Well, I mean, it'll be just forklifts of different sizes, I imagine. There'll be small forklifts that go on the tables that drive around, spearing pieces of sausage and lifting them up to mouth height and then driving them into the mouths and then there'll be other ones um yeah for for picking them up off the beds and that sort of thing and there'll just be forklift after forklift driving around emitting diesel fumes oh yeah they're all still diesel powered and that's it man what was that so I'm just writing things down technically we have one two three four five

we technically have five sketch ideas Andy I'm excited what do you think we should go to three words from a listener it's the first I've heard of it but I'm willing to give it a go well Andy I should allow me to educate you but there is this thing called words and they are symbols it's the first I've heard of it, but I'm willing to give it a go. Well, Andy, I should, allow me to educate you,

but there is this thing called words and they are symbols that represent meanings, which is kind of, meaning is kind of a, I mean, it's hard. If you don't know what meaning is, but it's, I guess it's a description. You're trying to explain what meaning means? Yeah. Well, you did a great job.

Yeah. You did a great job. Description of intention. I'm really proud of you. Of purpose. Anyway, so the three words from a listener is today from Bosco Bartolomo. Bosco Bartolomo. That's the listener, not the words.

No, but Bosco. Bosco, thank you. Bosco is a fantastic name. Absolutely. And let me tell you, it just gets better from there. Bartolomo? Yeah. Are you kidding me?

It does remind me of a type of wine. A very tanniny kind of wine that you could lay down for 75 years. Oh. I'll pick you up the 24 Bosco Bartolomo. Yeah. The 24, like I guess 1924. Yeah,

that's right. Yeah. Is that, is that exactly 75 years ago? No, I wasn't sure if you did all the maths because it sounds like it'd be beyond its peak. Yeah. All right. No, that's the thing. Because it sounds like it would be beyond its peak.

Yeah, all right. No, that's the thing about the Bartolomo. It gets a second wind. That's true. It's got a second wind. It comes back around. It actually got some of its tannins back. We laid it down longer and the tannins came back. The tannins came back.

They always come back. Apparently that's the thing. That's the thing that lets you know that a wine can last longer. If it's very tanniny, they. They always come back. Apparently that's the thing. That's the thing that lets you know that a wine can last longer. If it's very tanniny, they consider it quite green. And so then you can lay it down for a long time,

but then eventually all that goes away. And so then most of the body of it is gone. Anyway. Three words. Do you want to try and guess what? Yeah. First word is python no indeed no not even in the same category of words it's oh no unanswered

unanswered yeah voicemail voicemail second voicemail. No, you were close with your first word. The second one is Godzilla. Okay. Unanswered. Godzilla. Last word is text. Text? No, Andy.

Motorbike. Unanswered Godzilla motorbike. You know what I love about this? What? There's no pattern. There's no way I could have guessed that. Yeah, I know. It's because you've been fucked with for so long.

Yeah. You now think that there's intention. But, you know, somebody sometimes, some people just send in three random words. The purity of the three words. Yeah. Love it. I mean, Godzilla on a motorbike is a terrific concept to just rest your mind on for a moment, isn't it?

Something that you wouldn't actually, you know, maybe the military, having figured out how to maybe defeat regular Godzilla. Do you think that there are scenarios that they run yeah we are currently in a godzilla on a motorbike well scenario i think that we are at the joint pacific naval games and we are this year we are trialing a godzilla on a motorbike scenario. We are working with our Pacific neighbours and our friends from the north and working on how we would counter an amphibious attack from a giant sea monster riding on a two-wheeled motor motorized vehicle but think about this though

think about this you actually are the military you've been fighting godzilla for the last week right you've thrown everything at him okay and then you finally figured out this particular type of bomb that that does actually affect him and he doesn't like you know's already nuclear or something like that, isn't he? So I don't know. Or it's like something that freezes him or something like that. Something that removes his source of power. And then as you're about to launch the major attack, you go, wait, what's he doing?

And he walks into a huge shed why didn't we see that shed before what's he doing in there like that and then you see the front gate the front door of it come up this is you know he went in through the the side door but then the You hear the rev. You go, oh, no. He's got a big shed. He's got a decent run up. Oh, yeah. He came out in that point. Yeah.

Oh, okay. Oh, no. He's got a motorbike. And so this bomb that defeats Godzilla that we've discovered, it doesn't have any effect on him if he's riding a motorbike wow that's the

yeah our modelling has shown this is the one situation in which we can't the bomb won't be effective but fingers crossed that doesn't arise we think we've covered every eventuality it might have been that like

this bomb doesn't work if there's a little bit of wind on it or something like that. I've got good news. We've done all our modelling, and this bomb has a 99.99% chance of success. Right, and what is that 0.001% chance where it doesn't work? Oh, I mean, that's nothing. We just put that in there for the validity of the model. It's's it's it's a negligible chance yeah but we just like to know

what is the scenario in which that's if he gets on a motorbike he has some kind of big shed and inside is a motorbike that he sort of comes out on the motorbike now he does have the motorbike and doing wheelies. Riding around us, sort of making a mockery of us. Now, he does have a big shed, but, I mean, that motor... What are the chances? He bought that motorbike years ago that's in there, and he said he was going to fix it up, and actually he never did. So that's why it's such a small percentage chance that he

yeah but he certainly even if he does get on the thing he's not going to ride around a moccas he might probably i mean he can't do wheelies on that thing surely not surely not i mean although his tail i mean his tail would probably make him fall all the way onto his back. And then you see the major general there. His cigar falls from his lips as he watches Godzilla wheeling towards him. And he says, may God have mercy on our souls. And that's the end of the film. That's right. We don't even need to wrap it up.

And then titles come up. Godzilla will be back in Godzilla on a Motorbike 2. Also, this was called Godzilla on a Motorbike, so we knew how that movie was going to end. Godzilla on a Motorbike. Godzilla on a Motorbike. It's Chekhov's gun. Everyone is there watching. When's Godzilla going to get on that motorbike. It's Chekhov's gun. Everyone is here watching.

When's Godzilla going to get on that motorbike? How's Godzilla on a motorbike going to get out of this scenario? Have we even come up with an idea? Is there an even idea in this? No, we have just basically restated the words words we don't have an answer for this that's the unanswered i'm pretty i'm pretty happy with that alistair yeah me too as a film even just as a pitch for a film some things are better off just as a pitch film some things are better off just as a pitch yeah but you know what you if you are pitching a movie that you want to get made you may as well have one in there that you don't want to make

that's it to help you know let's say you got to pitch three they go yeah come and pitch you know don't come in to have a meeting for just one film pitch three right and so you pitch you pitch the one you really want to make and then you pitch two garbage ideas they're not going to make this but then and then but then the of course the executive goes yeah i love that godzilla on a motorbike one and the director who came in pitching this was some super arthouse director as well. This is... Now, who's the most sort of highly regarded arthouse director? Who it would be funny to see them first.

Like a Lars von Trier? This is Lars von Trier's Godzilla on a motorbike. This is... Who Trier's Godzilla on a motorbike. This is... Who's that other guy? Look, I'm probably just thinking of Lars Von Trier again. Yeah, him again. Yeah, that was actually...

That is good. It's actually probably better the second time. Gus Van Sant. That's another guy with three names. Yeah. Or who's that Mike...

Mike Lee? Mike Lee, who who's that Mike... Mike Lee? Mike Lee, who makes quite sad movies. Mike Lee. Oh, wait, wait. Who's the lady who just recently made... Jim Jarmusch. Jane... Jane Campions.

Jane Campions. Godzilla on a motorbike. It's amazing also that she didn't have the option to not make the film. It was one of those binding pitch meetings that she went into. Oh no, my contract. I have to make whatever it is. I have to make one of these films. Yeah, it's a shame.

Anyway, I'll read you through the sketch ideas. We've got the diary pill for some time to yourself. This is a for parents and it's called, what was it? Clear my diarrhea. Yeah, clear my diarrhea. That's very good, yeah. then it's a day day on day off marriage monogamy system for for the marriage that has no communication that is looking for another way to fix the happiness of the two people looking for another way to fix it that doesn't involve getting any communication and then we got the universal problem meter it's a test

i like that no just to go back to that relationship thing it's like you go into the meeting uh the marriage counselor and somebody says now this is this is you're not communicating they're like yeah we know we've got to learn to communicate. And they're like, no. That's the thing that you guys do. You don't communicate. You can turn that into a strength. Who else doesn't communicate?

You know? Hotel employees and their patrons. Say that again? Let's build the relationship around your lack of communication. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. It's like the problem is trying to change who you are. That's not why you got into this relationship.

Well, Susan, that's why you got into this relationship. I'll forget. I don't know. That wasn't good. So you've got universal problem meter, test daily temp of celebs. I can't remember what the last thing I was trying to write there. And there's new type of eating where the DNA is added to yours. Then we've got future bots for aged care.

It's a trade show. It's got the ooze tub with the tentacles and the forklifts. And then we've got Godzilla on a Motorbike, the movie. One and two. I love that it's directed by Jane Campion. That's really, really got me over the line. Jane Campions. Yeah.

Godzilla on a Motorbike 2. He's popping wheelies now Alright are we getting out of here Al? Yep Thank you so much for listening to The Think Tank We like that you did that thing to us. And you can find us on Twitter.

I'm at stupidoldandy. And I'm alistairtb. You can find me at atromblybertual on Instagram. You can find us at 2andtank on Twitter and Instagram and probably maybe even on Facebook. I'm not sure. And you know what? You can always download Magma if you want to.

You can do nothing. The fact that you've listened is so much already. Thank you so much. Live a good life. Have a great Christmas. Have a wonderful festive season. And all the other you know, have a good Hanukkah. Do people still celebrate Hanukkah?

I don't know. I don't Hanukkah? I don't know. I don't know the details. I don't know when that is. But I think it's all good stuff. And this one I only know from The Simpsons. I don't know if it's real, but also have a happy Kwanzaa. I don't know if that's real. Yeah.

You think that's real? I think that's the thing. Yeah? Yeah. Great. Yeah. I mean, it's as real as any of them. Yeah.

Well, okay, great. So take care and see you later. Take care. We love you. You. Bye. Bye. It's winter and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats.

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