Simple Swedish Podcast - 316 - "AUDIO ISSUES"

Episode Date: December 30, 2021

There were some serious issues with Andy's track in the recording of this episode. George worked some wonders to make it close to listenable, but apologies for rounding out the year in such appalling fashion. You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastJoin the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereOmicron thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Socks. Socks. Wearing socks. Going to the shop and buying some socks and putting them on in the shop. Hello? You want a bag for those? No, I'm wearing them out.

I'll put them on here at the counter. I'll put my sockless foot up on my foot. It already has one very dirty sock on up on the gather and i roll this clean sock on over the top of my filthy sock leaving you to wonder how many socks does he have under there he goes i'm sorry i never take them i need these new socks because these socks are so damp and then he just puts it on over the top. Right, this is a sketch idea. I'm buying socks.

I'm buying socks. His feet are so wet. I need new socks because my feet are so wet. Oh, it's so wet. I ran through a puddle outside and my feet are so wet. And then he does what we just described. You know, sorry. And then he rolls it on, puts his shoe back on, and then you see him go outside and then run through what we just described you know sorry and then he rolls it on puts his shoe back on and then you see him go outside and then run through the puddle right into the puddle again and then you see him slowly turn around

eye contact with the person behind the counter and he squirms just a couple more times in the bubble and then slowly starts walking straight back into the store. It's a horror story. It's the story of Sisyphus.

Instead of God, it's malfunction in his brain that makes him keep redoing the same thing. No, I think he's genuinely a sicko. I think we're discovering that this is what he does. He's done this in every sock shop in town. Finding out from other people. He goes and finds the bodies. The sock owners

at the club later, you know, at the RSL or at the pub. The sock owners of return servicemen. At some point, all the soldiers in the war, they all opened sock shops. Then they meet up

at the RSL and they trade war stores, but these ones are the sock shop ones. And they say, oh, one mentions he had this weird experience today. You go, me too. And then he tells the experience and they go,

you're kidding. We had that guy in my shop we're talking about the same guy um yeah um all right alistair how about this for a sketch dirty talk for businesses okay for. For the office. Now, this is going to sound a lot like the sexual harassment. Yeah. So, our big part of our job in walking through this idea

is going to be working out in what way it is sexual harassment. Well, I mean, I suppose what's dirty in the business world is not necessarily sex. That's true, yeah. Could you imagine two CEOs texting each other and saying really wrong shit?

And they go, I'm going to give my employees a raise. This is good because this is also satirical. This is good. I mean, this is what you've got to do if you're making love to Jeff Bezos. In the sack. And that's how he does it, in a big, big, hashing sack. This is the kind of filth he wants you to say to him.

Yeah. All of your employees can take unlimited toilet breaks unlimited toilets that's right when they go to the toilet they can use as many of the stalls as they want for one one business i mean now i know we've already talked about horror. Yeah. But, picture this out of the step. You come into

the, the men's toilet area. Okay. It's like six or seven cubicles. Yeah, so this is like

a mall or something. Yeah, there's a mall, right? All of them are empty. There's one guy, right, in one of them.

You see him come out of the cubicle he's still out he's still pissing he walks around the corner into the next cubicle the piece of it in there walks out again still pissing all the way around into the next one again yeah and then the next one it's just gone all over the floor and all over the seats yeah and then the next one and then it's just going all over the floor and all over the seats yeah and then and then he comes he comes he gets

he finishes up in the last one right and he comes out and he says they kept filling up they kept filling up I'm picturing

I was I don't know I don't know the names that line depends it depends I mean, that horror will hit people who write scripts

more than regular audience viewers. They kept filling up. But I guess yeah, so you're saying that the idea is that he's so filled with liquid. Well, to be honest, I thought of that

as the punchline in the vertical was right at the end. I didn't have any ending for it. It was just going to be a guy who doesn't stop pissing as he walks from cubicle to cubicle. Imagine if he could never stop pissing. Interesting. Like, so that he's currently in the process... If he stops pissing, he'll die.

But he will also piss himself. But he has to keep pissing. I was picturing him just pissing every drop of fluid from his body out. From his body. Imagine his eyes watching him go all wrinkly as the

shrink into his hands as the lips peel back from the hydration his lips starts to flake I mean this is just you

we're just describing you right, Alistair. That's flaky old skin. Oh, it suddenly doesn't seem so funny anymore. This sounds like a genuine problem. This guy has trouble hydrating. I think I piss too much. Maybe that's what I'm trying to think of here. You piss too much. So, like, well, I piss too much. Maybe that's what I'm trying to think of here. You piss too much.

So like, I don't know. I feel like every time I drink a glass of water... Is water a diuretic as well? It is the way I use it. Because every time I... Because every time I drink water, I seem to piss water. Okay.

Which one is supposed to hydrate? Because even Gatorade, I seem to piss that out. You want to drink something until you don't piss. Where did they all go? Couldn't I just get a filter in there? Whatever the reason it's pissing things out for.

Couldn't it just clean it? Like, couldn't it just divert a lot of that stuff to... I think you're describing a kidney. I think this is exactly how this works. I don't want the piss out part. I want to stay hydrated. Why am I bothering? Day in, day out, drinking this.

I mean, I know what's going to happen. The writing's on the wall. I wrote it in piss. Anyway, I just, I want a way so that you don't have to piss anymore. Could you just, could you, could you have a pipe that goes from your piss to your neck? From your dick, from your dick to your dick.

From the upper neck to the lower neck, right? This is a real piss-a-fist, isn't it? Piss-a-fist. Pushing the piss back up the hill. That's the only problem, is that you probably have an aneurysm trying to push the piss that high. I reckon. No? I reckon you can do it. I reckon I could piss that high. I don't reckon. No?

I reckon you can do it. I reckon I could piss as high as my own head if I had to. Without too much trouble. Well, maybe if you're laying down. Yeah, I lost it. I'm not laying down. I'm not doing this lying down. I'm not laying down the piss.

I mean, obviously that's the dream. Obviously. I think, you know, because you know those squat toilets, I think it would be so satisfying to lay down over one. Face first. You're absolutely right. It's sort of a massage table. Instead of the face all the way in the face.

But I want the genitals to sort of lay in the tray underneath in the trough. I suppose you could just do this in the bath, in an empty bath. I don't think you could, because I think your empty bath would be not long enough. Yeah, I would have to get a sort of an adult-sized bath. They don't make them of those, do they? They don't. They don't. Adult-sized.

It's one size, basically, for baths. Some of them are smaller. Some are a little bit bigger, but other than that... They expect you to sort of sit up in the bath. They don't. They do. It's like they don't want you to fully lay down. Yeah, and I wonder fully lay down. Yeah.

And I wonder why that is. Yeah. I wonder why that is. Because I mean. They want you to lie down fully, head, fully lie down, head first in the bath. I know, but you should be, like, you should have the freedom to do that. Yeah, you're right. I mean, what, it makes it not great for our other freedoms if we can't do that.

What's the point of free will what's the point of living i'll say it all right any of the things that we've discussed i want to say that the man walking from cubicle to cubicle you don't even have to see the piss in this thing you just have to hear it how would he walk some cubicle to cubicle passing onto ground right it's not an enjoyable sketch. They don't all have to be fun. We're not writing this for kids. We don't have to coddle people.

Sometimes sketches aren't fun. You just watch it. Yeah, I agree. And then you have a sit with that. Yeah, I agree with you. It could be a shock from the waist up, and we just know what's happening and also we're writing sketches for people who've seen sketches like lots of sketches suddenly suddenly just seeing something that you don't recognize that you don't immediately know where it's headed is that's already that's a good enough feeling yeah well we're gonna say this is headed nowhere is that what it is at the end

yeah so i've got i've got a man in public bathroom and then i guess i could picture a cleaner kind of coming in and starting in the cubicle where the guy started and kind of then just working their way with the mop and everything like that. Yeah, but then he finishes up in the last cubicle and he looks back around to the first one and he realized that he'd been doing this dance for years. I guess you could see it like with as you walk in and you see a guy bridge you just see a cleaner come out of the toilet uh kind of a cubicle so after having washed you know like the floor and then it's kind of washing the floor in front of the cubicles and then going into the next cubicle and then you see a guy come out and he's pissing the whole way like that

and then i would like the end is after they've done all the cubicles the the constant pissing man then just pisses directly into the mop bucket because then then suddenly the the cleaner is cleaning the floor with piss. Yes, yeah, that's right. I mean, is this anything like, you know, there are a lot of places I go where I'm like, how is the toilet this bad? How is it this unpleasant to be in, right? Because it is all tiles and stuff.

Surely you just mop it and it goes back more or less being clean. Yeah. And like, is there anything in I don't know a guy, it's a guy, it's a sort of a negative toilet cleaner. Well. And the auntie, also he's knocking on the door.

Hello? Oh, hi mum. While Andy's talking. I'm just recording a podcast. What's up? It's okay. Should your mum make her first cameo? For the... It could be. I might have left it on. It's not been moved last night.

Well, then I don't have the key. Sorry, could it be in the car? Let me... Let me say the thing I was going to say. If you really wanted to get piss on the floor of a bathroom, and you wanted to get away with it, you should just be pissing into a bucket and dressed as a cleaner, which is you don't have to wear anything.

And then just dip the mop into piss. This is good. They'll let you go anyway. They'll let you go. It's inconspicuous. But if you're real, because if you're going to just piss on the seat, the next person to come in may be right there,

and you may have to face them, and you may get yelled at. But if you're mopping and it smells like piss, someone's going to go, thank you for doing that. Yeah. They see your mop sluicing through

a giant spreading pool of piss. They don't think this guy's got a piss mop. That's right. They think there's the hero. This is the perfect crime if it even is a crime.

This is like when a cop turns out to be a serial killer. Yeah, that a crime. This is like when a cop turns out to be a serial killer. Yeah, that's right. Nice. This cleaner's been cleaning these mall bathrooms for 20 years. And people have been wondering where that smell of piss comes from. He looks like a hero. comes from.

He looks like a hero. The more, the more, like, man, we are doing everything we can about this. Our cleaner, um,

Robert, comes in early every day. When he's time off, he even comes in on the weekends. And he stays later than anybody else. Nothing gets rid of that piss. Uh, that's really good. Signing the thing at the time that he leaves the thing.

As he leaves the bathroom there, he's signing it saying, I cleaned it this time. Walks out, people are like, you know. And everybody just blames the patrons. Everybody blames the customers of this mall that's right i mean that's what that's the dream isn't it that we discover that there's a particular individual responsible for what we thought was a collective failure you know yeah

like whenever we're like oh man see people can't change can't move society behavior change is impossible you know it's like that with climate change i mean we'd be correct you know it's good can't change, can't move society. Behaviour change is impossible. You know, it's like that with climate change. I mean, it's good enough that it's most of the companies who are to blame, so we can sort of go right and get our eye on that. It turned out there was one guy who was doing all the climate change. Man-made. It's not called man-made climate change. It's called man-made.

We found the man. And we stopped him and we thought what do you picture him doing oh uh i know what you're gonna say great because i have no idea like a cow you're gonna say farting i was not going to say that. That's what you said. You were going to say it, and then it was said. Therefore, I assume you were the one that said it. I'm sorry, Andy.

It was said by you. I signed over the power of attorney for my own mouth to Alistair. So, yep. What can you do? Uh, Alistair. Is that what Dexter was? He was a serial killer cop? No, he was a serial killer who killed serial killers.

Okay. So what about this? It's a cop that kills cops. Good cops. Good cops. Oh, that's probably just the police force. It's just... You just invented the police force.

It's like, oh, a cop that finds... It's a dirty cop that finds all the non-dirty cops and kills them. Oh, he just invaded the police force. Yeah, no, that's good too. Because I just... Yeah. All right.

Let's see. I'm saying you've got it. Now you go. um all right yeah let's see no no you you hit you hit this is gonna be mine was gonna be really bad no no you tell me yours because mine was gonna be absolutely nothing okay well here we go you know how like toast has crumbs yeah yeah yeah what about soup soup with crumbs. Then I realized that that's probably just drops of soup. That's droplets. What you're describing there is droplets. Droplets.

All right. What about this? Okay. Pirates. All right. We had pirates back in the day. Now we have pirates again today. Okay.

Yeah. They're back. They're back. Yeah. But are you still there? Yeah. Yeah're back. They're back, yeah. But were you still there? Yeah. Yeah, great. I mean, silence just seemed so deep then. Because a lot of it was inside my own head where I had no ideas.

But, you know, obviously pirates back in the day had this sort of romance. Or maybe it didn't back in the day, but we'd look at them that way. And character in that sort of romance. Or maybe it didn't make it that way, but we look at them that way. And now modern day pirates seem very unpleasant and depressing. Right? Really? I find that one more romantic. Modern day pirates.

Yeah, because I think, you know, taking over a huge, like, a huge cargo ship, there'd be, like, lots of facilities on there. Yeah, you're right. You're right. You know, great places to sleep. Yeah. And they'd be like lots of facilities on there yeah you're right you're right no great

great places to sleep yeah and they'd be good kitchen facilities okay things like that whereas back in the day it was all scurvy and yeah there's no shortage of one second indiana it's the keys are just there on the on the desk just up, sir. It's Christmas time. Everybody's family members are looking for keys. Was that really, was that genuine, or were you just... That was genuine. Okay, wait. So I was thinking, like,

what other things... I don't know where this is going. What other things we sort of romanticize from the past could we now have a modern version of that is more depressing? That's everything. That's everything. I was thinking, you know. Almost everything is better. Yeah.

Except for, you know, not getting a disease. But even that, you know, we probably have a... Can you hear that lawnmower? Look, all I can hear is the car starting down here. Man, Alistair, this is a rough ride today. It's all good. I mean, I think we've been having a good time. We've been having a great time.

I'm looking at mine and I'm realizing that my waveform is doing something strange. I think it's okay. Yeah. I think I'm going to have to do a little bit of tweaking on the end file because I think it's somehow recording it in half time or something, so I'll be sound like a chipmunk. But that's okay. It's happened before and I just sort it out.

That's great. Fred not. All right. Things. Things. Okay. Fred not. Things from the past.

You know that joke? Fred not. Fred not. I didn't know where it's going. Yeah. Yeah. It was just three bits of rope, I think. Want to buy a drink?

Sorry, we don't. Are you a bit of rope? Fred not. drink so we don't are you a bit of rope right no yeah we don't serve we say we don't serve rope in here like that and then the guy goes and he ties himself around and then he he tussles this guy is this guy is the three this is a piece of rope well no well no he's well he's the last bit of rope. He goes in, can I have a beer? And he goes, are you a bit of rope? He goes, afraid not. Why can't we come up with that kind of stuff?

Why can't we get that picked up by the ABC? We could. We probably could. We're more likely to get it. There's already a show called Frayed on the ABC. They obviously like things that suck. We were

afraid. So we already know that we're up to a winner. I mean, we haven't

pitched a proper TV show to the ABC. So maybe we should pitch a kids show

or something like that. Whatever. Whatever. Let's see. Okay. Something that's more depressing now and a source of comedy i mean look you could you could slide down a slide tongue first what about internal jazzing right this is where they will put little jewels and gems around stick them around all your internal orifices, because we have a lot.

So they go in and it gets to the gastroesophageal surgeons go in down the throat and then where the stomach drains into duodenum basically a bunch of little duodenum that's that end at the top of the

intestine. Yeah. Juodenum. It sounds like a place where you'd find your wedding ring after you'd dropped it down the sink. Basically, it is the U-bend of the gut. And there's some little things around there uh then they go

where's the yeah they go um obviously and they put some around uh where the that corner where they call on sort of comes to that point and so the sketch the sketch is like yeah internal for jazzling what do you reckon this is the ad yeah we don't think it's good either it's probably gonna fuck with your organs and stuff

but fuck it people will get this it's a status thing let's just delay a bunch of I think maybe this is how you seduce a gastroenterologist and a throat surgeon.

You want to win them over. They see the inside. I mean, it's hard to... They've seen inside everybody. It's hard to win them over. It's hard to surprise them anymore. I've seen inside everybody. Well, exactly.

Nothing surprises me at all. They're looking. You go in and you say, oh, I really need one of those things for you to show the camera down my throat. I really need it. And so they put you under and they're probing around down there and they pop the little flap at the top of it,

this little valve or whatever that's got the stomach acid coming up into your throat, and they get there, and they're like, what's this? And they see, or you've got some other, yeah, that's a true tune, and insert a whole bunch of little jewels and diamonds in there. It looks beautiful. It looks beautiful. The light that they have on there, the little camera is sparkling off the many facets of it.

Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Oh, I'm being blinded by my own ear, nose and throat light. Shining into my own ear, nose and throat camera. And then there, just in like, in amethyst green, you know, real contrasting against the esophageal pink. Oh, wow. It says, will you marry me? Like that.

And very untraditional because, you know, it's a male doctor looking down the throat of a woman doesn't have to be throat doesn't have to be but it is good on her for having the no that's what i'm saying it's not traditional that is one of the elements non-traditional and he says yes like that and then he no she's not unconscious at all she's going for she's there for this she's like no no no keep me awake for this one. What is this? Yeah. And then as they're kissing, he's like really, like, he's, his tongue is probing. Oh, it is.

And then he keeps, occasionally, he keeps pulling out and he gets his tongue out and he pulls a little gem off of his tongue. Oh, wow. He's going deep. his tongue out and he pulls a little gem off of his tongue. And then he pops it in a little man bag that he keeps on his side. Oh no, he opens a little pouch.

One of those little leather pouches that you would keep gold coins in. And he puts it in there. And he goes, falls in with the other coins, the other gems like that. And then he goes and he kisses her again. And then he gets another one.

Yes. Like that. And then you see him after. He goes, I will marry you. I'm so happy. And then you see him leave the doctor's office later at the end of the day. And he goes down the street to the local jewel dealer. And he starts selling jewels.

And he goes, how much for it? I agree to marry a woman just so that I can get her throat jewels. She's got an internal vajazzling. I mean, he does this every day, right? He seduces all the patients. They all propose marriage to him in this way. That's right. And this is how he's making a tiny profit.

Yeah. Finally, this surgeon has found a way to make money. Being an ear, nose, and throat doctor. Specialist. Finally. Finally as a specialist. I finally found a way to make money. As a medical specialist.

Like that. Now, how about this? I'm writing this down. But yeah, you start telling. Yeah, sure. People are always looking for an exciting new willingness to action. While we're on the subject of romance. And that's But yeah, you start telling. Yeah, sure. People are always looking for an exciting new wedding destination. While we're on the subject of romance.

And that's where it gets all crazy, right? People are always looking for an exciting new wedding destination. People also like cameo and love celebrities. Okay? Now, what's the next frontier in intimacy and being allowed into a celebrity's world well being inside their stomach okay so what we do is we have a roster of celebrities who are on our books and we've we've got them all to swallow about 10 or 12 cameras okay and they're constantly live streaming from inside their stomach and in conjunction with uh mark z Zuckerberg's metaverse,

we can now put your avatar live into the stomach of a celebrity. So you can go into a virtual reality world where you are in their belly, in the belly of the beast. And, you know, this is the perfect place for an intimate ceremony. So if you and your beloved say you first saw um you first your first kiss was in the movie 25th hour with edward norton right and now edward norton is rending out his stomach yeah you you you're beloved and tell others to uh have an intimate ceremony like in a 3d in a 3d rendering of his in stomach yeah his gut yeah well it's not even a 3d rendering okay it is a live stream or do you um but they will 3d render your avatars but are you actually projected as

holograms into edward norton's stomach and so in a way you're occupying his real estate well i mean the cameras are in there okay and the cameras are like on level i have i guess i've got little claws or something to allow them to grip on and there's not that much difference between a camera and a projector, essentially they're just the opposite of each other so you could have you project it into there and just have the camera film the holograms

on there I think to know that you are in some way inside Edward Norton's stomach isn't that the truest gift of all Well, I think to know that you are in some way inside Edward Norton's stomach, isn't that the truest gift of all? I suppose so. So, yeah, and the great thing for Edward is that he's making passive income, because he's still just talking about his career,

doing whatever it is he's been doing for the last 15 years, having seen him in a single film. But, you know. That exciting to you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, great. Yeah, getting pretty, it's like, it's cameo, but on the inside. And they don't have to do anything, just other than having.

It's all in 10 10 or 12 cameras. Yeah, 10 or 12. Little claws. But these days, they're pretty small. Pretty small. And we sell it to them. And, you know, it's great. It's great.

You know, it'd be exciting for them to be able to be a film set. You know, normally, they're in the film set. Now, the film set is in them. You know what I would love? This is another sort of idea based off of these medical diagnostics that you were sort of starting to discuss.

It's a game show, right? And the game show, I guess it's not that dissimilar from Josh Earlels don't you know who i am right because that's the all the questions are about the guests but in this one all of the guests have swallowed a bunch and are hooked up to a bunch of medical like uh diagnostic equipment yeah and they've also swallowed a bunch of stuff you know so they've got different things you know how like google had this idea that they would basically have stuff inside you that can keep track of all your vitals and everything all

at all times yeah um it's like that and so then the questions would, who currently has 2.2 pounds of poo in them? That is really good. Because you wouldn't even know if it was you, right? Yeah. I think that's so good. Because it's always the funniest one. You know, Josh Ell's show is always the best. When one of the guests doesn't even know that it's their own tweet or something like that.

Imagine not knowing that it's your own reload. I'm on the screen. That's right. There's a 3D rendering of it because they can do that. You know, you're basically, everybody's laying in an MRI machine. And then you're like, whose brain is going absolutely spazzo right now it's a great it's a great question but you know ones where you have to rank everybody as well on the show in terms of like something as simple as their blood pressure right it's it you know

and it's a real yeah, rank everyone's blood pressure. Yeah. Everybody's blood pressure from lowest to highest. We've done the analysis and we can tell you down to the day who's going to die first as well. Right? Yeah. I mean, you could discover tumors. Oh, I mean, those would be one of the last episodes.

That's exciting. Yeah. That's a real tumor tom hanks or larry day or something like that this is your life kind of moment where you surprise someone but everybody laughs you don't really bring that to the slits yeah what yeah but you go, firstly, what is this, and who is this in, and what do you think it is? Well, our specialists think that it's a tumor the size of a lemon. And it's in, we'll tell you after the break. This is, Andy, this is a genuinely good game show idea and i would watch this it might be the last good idea it might be the last game show that hasn't been done yet finally kills television we can't release this episode until we have pitched this. I mean, quite seriously,

quite seriously, Alistair, it doesn't have to be a game show, but it could be a bit of a game show. Quite seriously, this is a good idea. I don't know how serious you're being, but you get five years before you get

three celebrities right and you analyze their health in painstaking detail and you reveal live on stage to them the results you do some

blood tests and you test for everything you reveal it all. They sign it over, so it's like, you know, whatever little sex diseases they've got, whatever weird dick stuff they've got going on.

Also, you get a doctor to giftfully examine them in the nude. Yeah, I think so. And tell you anything they thought. Which member did one of our doctors think that they saw something pretty icky?

We get somebody to check all their moles? Yeah. Oh, you see, you can get moles projected onto the screen. That's really good. Try and recognize. Recognize them. But also, I guess, maybe there's a game in somehow figuring out what they look like. The correct answer was Dave Hughes, Benign.

And Benign? And Ben and benign yeah great um oh i mean imagine a game like that that does actually let you know whether or not um you know like like it in a way educates the viewer on whether or not moles are look cancerous i need to know this kind of stuff i also need to know i have a little cancer when you're sort of scratching around on your back yeah you know when you're scratching something else and then you like scrape a mole oh it's gonna be one of the worst things that ever happens and then you, like, scrape them all off. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh! Oh, it's going to be one of the worst things that ever happens. You don't really scrape it off, but it feels like you just did that because you hit a lifted-up area. Yeah?

Yeah, you got your finger under something. Yeah, got a little bit of purchase. Andy, I don't know if we can go past this medical diagnostic game show we have five sketch ideas written down we have we have at least five sketch ideas so we got you yeah bodily that's okay that's good that's good that's a good episode i think if it's very bodily it's a good episode. Ah. So bodily goes where no man has gone before. What you're looking at is actually a silhouette

of Sophie Monk's brain. Yeah. Like, this show could have its own MRI machine machine or scan you know cat scan because i think tv show budgets are pretty big that you get um i mean obviously that people are are looking to spend a lot of money on making tv shows right now i'm just saying, I think renting a CRT or, you know, which is the one I just said? MRI? It's probably too expensive, but...

Buying one. Buying one. Yeah. Yeah, it's going to pay for itself. I think it's really fun. And it would be fun to see people get a medical procedure done on stage. Oh, that's good. Yeah.

And, you know, or a body modification. No, no, no, no. There's no body modification. Not everything's body modification. This is just probing,

analyzing, and then occasionally treating. That's something like a very special episode i think i mean whoever wins the game show component then gets to select one of their body things to be treated and that happened under the credits that's really good oh that makes this such a good show for America, where people can't afford this.

But are they still celebrities? I think it needs to be the latest. I know. But lower tier celebrities that still can't afford to get. Okay. You'll have big guys. You'll have Seinfeld, obviously. All these big guys.

You'll have, you know, Moh. All these big guys. You'll have Mohitia. No, that was Candy's TV show, I think. I don't know what you're talking about. Forget it. Alright, let's just move on to three words from a listener.

I don't think we've done this one. This is three words from Jimbry. Mr. Jimbry. I have heard the name Jimbry before. Yeah, yeah. Jimbry's definitely sent in some words. And these were some recent words that Mr. Jimbry sent

in. First word? You want me to tell you? Okay. Yeah, yeah. The first word is shortness. No, but it's kind of close in spirit. It's low. Oh, okay. That must be what I was thinking about. Low. Yeah. Blood. The second word is blood. Again, you're close within the spirit of the thing. The second word is pressure.

Low pressure. Booger. Low pressure booger. No, but that's a great idea. Was that? That's a good idea. This is workplace. Where sometimes, the third word is workplace.

Low pressure workplace. Well, see what we do is we actually train our employees at high altitude. So that they can work for longer. We send them all off to a training seminar. In Ethiopia. In Bolivia. Yeah. In Ethiopia. The reason a lot of runners come from Ethiopia

is because they live at high altitude. I was not aware of this. I never once in my life have thought of Ethiopia as being a high altitude place. I know there are good runners, but I thought that was more a sort of... A capability to withstand pain and things like that, I think. But is Ethiopia high altitude?

Ethiopia has a high central plateau that varies from 1,290 to 3,000 meters the highest mountain reaching 4,533 meters but I don't know if that's a lot of it. Interesting. Yeah, I think it does seem like a lot of the country is in a mountainous region.

I mean, that's good. I mean, another way that you do it, of course, is that you could just shut all the doors and windows and just crank the pressure in the building. And then create a low pressure outside? You know, the first month of the year, right? And then you bring them back to... Oh, no, you want to train at low pressure, don't you?

Sorry, that's right. Okay, you need to suck the air, most of the air out of the building. Yeah. You can just do this over, say, a quiet period, just after Christmas or something like that.

Like other workers going, are you out of breath from typing? Because Yeah, I think so. Yeah. There you go. Alright, and then

bringing back the standard pressure sort of mid-February the productivity is going to be through the roof. Those that survive will be doing so great. I mean, I don't know if it works. If you let them home at the end of the day, you might have to keep them in there. Sure, but it might make their endurance for home life better, which will bring them...

I mean, it's a good strategy for anything, for any part of your life that you wish to improve. Okay? Your parenting, absolutely. Most probably your low pressure. Then you come back to the household. Do you think... The abundance of oxygen. You're not going to know yourself. If there was low enough pressure, do you think that your eyes

would bulge out a little bit? Your eyeballs would bulge out a little bit. And you could get a few extra degrees of vision on the width of vision you could get. Could be. It would certainly make you look more attentive. Yes. You know, somebody giving a presentation

at lunch. So the boss is telling you you've got an unmot at lunch. So the boss is coming around. You know you've got an unmotivated workplace. The boss is coming around to give us a pep talk, okay, in the break room. I know I'm not going to be able to do this. They were like, you know, give that extra bit. The boss thinks we're all committed to the business. And our branch is up for being shut down as well.

So what I've done is I've sealed the doors and windows and I've reversed some of the air conditioning fans and we've actually got the pressure down here in this room by a good 80%, okay? And their eyes are bulging. I mean, it's a flip side because they probably will be more likely to pass out after the deprivation.

Sure, but that's the balance. You've got to strike a deal. They will look like they passed out from being too attentive. Too attentive. Or that maybe it's some of the revelations and the findings of the research that, you know, made the people faint and they loved it. That's what, you know, the big boss will think. And then obviously we'll congratulate the lesser boss, the local regional boss who came up with this plan. But they, of course, they won't know that it was a brilliant scheme.

Oh, I just pulled off a sticker off of my mom's computer. plan, but of course they won't know that it was a brilliant scheme. Uh-oh, I just pulled off a sticker off of my mom's computer. I don't know where the buttons were. No, wait. I think... Oh, no, it is. What are you doing? What are you making a Y at, Alistair?

Oh, it's just a screen. It tells us what... Oh, no, it just says we're like the... You know, like we're the... Anyway, we're going to go through the sketch on these. Okay. We got guy buying socks because they're wet rolls new socks over the wet ones.

This is a good start. And then constant pissing man in public bathroom. Skidges both have threatening words. Yeah, yeah. But also might be followed by cleaner. It might even be I think this is important for if we do that other version.

Then we got mopping with a bucket full of piss like a serial killing cop. It's the perfect crime. Mopping with a bucket full of piss sounds like an expression. Yeah. It's an expression for when you think

that you're making things better but you're actually making them much worse. Oh, that's great. That is really good. I'll tell you what. Yeah? After that day, I felt like I was mopping with a bucket full of piss. I wouldn't be surprised if that is a saying already now.

It actually feels so much like a saying. You go, I think it feels like it's one of the most common things to ever be said. It just fits perfectly into a space in my brain. Yeah. There's already a neural pathway for this. I know. I've basically, like, I've just rewritten that into the whole history of my life. To bring it every direction.

Yeah. Anyway, grab these. history of my life. They bring it every direction. Yeah. If anything, that's a saying that's great for creating false memories. Or real memories. Ear, nose, throat doctor getting patients internal vajazzles. Wait, patients with internal

vajazzles and proposed to and then finally finding a way to make money. I can't believe you wrote all this down. Yeah. Not every detail of that was essential. No, no, no, but it is important. I think all this is important. It's just, yeah, we've got to fix it up for the actual sketch.

But then we've got celebrity internal organs getting projected into their gut for a fee, like Cameo. Yeah. That's a great one. Then we've got medical diagnostic, the game show. And then we've got low air pressure. Then write this down. Work pressure. I would have to be going, what's wrong with you?

Yeah, I guess it could be with that. Yeah, it's something about the checkup. But what's wrong with you is good. What's wrong with you? Or what's right with you? No. What's wrong with you? Yeah, that is good.

What about... I'm a celebrity. Get that out of me. It refers to all the pros. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what's wrong with you? There's also... It also refers to the tumors, I suppose.

Would I lie to you? And you're talking to an MRI machine. You're going to lie it's a doctor saying it to you holding a clipboard oh okay low air pressure workplace for extra

attentivity attentivity attentivity attentivity attentivity attentivity attentivity attentivity attentivity attentivity attentivity

I guess this is the song I guess this is how we're going attentivity attentivity I'm looking at me I was going there as well but you got there first the low pressure

solo that my eyes just burst oh yeah um Alistair thank you, everybody else thank you also I hope that I was able to retrospectively I hope that I was able to sort out the audio

for this and I didn't sound like a kid like the entire time. And my track didn't go half the length of Alice's. And I hope that mine doesn't have a data writing error. Take care and good day. Follow us on Twitter. You know where we are. You know about the Patreon.

You know about the Discord. And if things are possible, if still possible next year, we will potentially be doing a teleport and recording it. So we'll look out for ticket links at some point and one day for this comedy festival. All right. We love you.

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