Simple Swedish Podcast - 317 - "GATOR-ALE"

Episode Date: January 6, 2022

Adult Music for Adults, Watermelon Disco, Mooning Motorcade, Same but the Moon is Diana, Time Suck, Gatorale, Earblood StopperYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastJoin the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereFully-loaded thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Aching, aching, aching. Everybody on the part of my body.

My butt is aching all night long. Everybody on the part of my body. My butt is aching all night long. All right, we are here. Welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the podcast where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Alistair George William Trombley-Burchell and this is Andy Matthews. I'm proposing a sketch in which I go to the doctor and I tell the doctor, my butt aches, but only in my dreams. What does that mean?

All night long. That's interesting. I get these butt ache dreams. My butt is aching. Does your butt actually ache at the moment? Was that song drawn from truth? Because I know all the best music is No, this was a

This was a song like a other The other source of where good songs come from Is it comes to you fully Fully formed Just in full Fully formed in a dream Yes Can I tell you something that came to me Just in full, fully formed in a dream.

Can I tell you something that came to me fully formed in a dream last night? Alistair. This is an idea for a short film. What was that? Okay. Look, actually, no, it didn't come to me fully formed, but bits of it came to me and then I fleshed it out, right? So this is a short film idea.

Okay, a guy shows up at a guy's house, right? Okay. So old guy is in his house. Someone knocks on the door. Some younger man knocks on the door. And the guy opens the door and the guy explains to him that he's – well, we don't really know why he's there, maybe. But then this old guy, sort of an eccentric old guy he's got musical instruments all over the walls and puppets and like you know he dresses a bit strangely and sort of thing

and it emerges that he's a you know he was a children's musician right he wrote songs for kids and he used to play children that's right right. And he... Oh, my God. What's happened, Alistair? What? Why did you say, oh, my God? Is it because he played children? I thought you were having some kind of crisis. And then I started thinking about somebody making adult music.

It's songs for adults, like children's songs, but for adults. But just for adults Like children's songs but for adults But just for adults I like that They're all Performed and written exactly like children's songs But they are Adult themes Anyway Anyway Look And not like sexy Adult themes. Anyway. Anyway.

Yeah. Look. And not like sexy. No. That doesn't mean that it's sexual. That's not that meaning of adult. It's things that only adults would be interested in. Like, for example, this one.

You've heard of wake up, Jeff. Well, how about this? Keep sleeping, Jeff. I'll take care of things that's right yeah and instead of telling kids to eat their broccoli it explains um you know beat by beat how the second world war occurred all right now uh anyway this old guy's in the house, and then it emerges he's a children's musician, and he's getting some food for the guy,

or drinks for this visitor out of the fridge, and he turns around. The guy's holding a gun, right? And he's going to kill him because he's had the song, this song that this guy wrote, Watermelon Disco, stuck in his head. He had six kids and he had to listen to Watermelon Disco so many times. He's come to kill this old man, right? And the old man's like, he's horrified and he's like,

well, at least if you're going to do it, don't do it here in front of all my puppets, okay? And the guy's like, well, where should we do it? And he's like, oh, in the basement, right? So there's nothing down there. So they go down to the basement. And as they get down to the basement, the old guy switches off the light

and then he trips over the guy with the gun, right? And then he switches on the light again. Now the old guy's holding the gun and the guy's on the ground right or maybe he stabbed him in the guts and he's bleeding out on the ground and the old guy has stabbed the young guy in the guts and he's bleeding out on the ground right and now in the light he can see that there's all these skeletons all around the basement in various states of decay. And the old guy explains that these are all the men who've come for him to try and get their revenge on him for watermelon disco.

This isn't the first time this has happened. And then the guy on the ground is like, oh, well, I'm sorry. Can you call me an ambulance? Get help or something. And the guy is like, oh, this isn't over. Right? And it turns out he's a psycho, this guy, this children's musician.

He picks up a ukulele. He picks up a ukulele. And he starts playing watermelon disco right and he the reason he wrote the song was to torture parents right it was his form of like psychological warfare or, you know, like he's a real sick fuck, this old guy. Mr. Beans. Oh, no, not Mr. Beans. That's too much like Mr. Bean. No.

Captain Broccoli. His character's called Captain Broccoli. Watermelon almost seems like such an unhealthy fruit compared to broccoli yeah well watermelon disco is just one of his songs okay anyway is that a sketch idea does it can i bring you something i mean i'll write it down it's it comes it comes from off pod did did watermelon was that did you did you dream, that was a detail that I added in. Actually, I only dreamed the events of the guy coming to attack the guy for writing the song. And then I thought it would be a good twist if he, you know,

then turned out to have written a song deliberately to torture parents. And he just loves it. He gets off on it. So he plays the song for this guy as he bleeds to death on the ground. He's doing all the voices and stuff. It's really good. Andy, we should actually write a kid's album that is to annoy the parents. To annoy the parents.

That's a really good idea. Hey mum, hey mum, what are you doing? Hey mum, hey mum, what's that there? It was, I wrote it based on things that I heard my kids say. That annoyed me. It's so interesting because we genuinely on a long trip have, you know, a kid in the car. Like, you know, we've driven nine hours to get to, no, it was a 12 hour drive all up to get to my parents' place. Yes, it's incredible that you've taken this on.

And genuinely, the kid will ask, how long until we get there? Yeah. You know, over the duration of the day. Yeah. How long until we get there? How long until we get there? I think that... Are we almost there?

No. No, we're're not i think that's a really good topic for a song as well you know um we haven't equipped the kid though with the right tools to work it out for themselves i mean i suppose i could point to the clock which i don't even think my car has a very easy-to-see clock, but we could be sort of saying, when it gets to this point, that's how you know. But, you know, when the sun is in this part of the sky, but then how would that work?

I'm turning corners all the time. It would only work if I was sort of... How hard would it make, you know, to... You know, like we're going for flying cars. But what about this? Flying hovercraft. Ah, when are we going to get those? Because, I mean, it feels like you should get that before you get a flying car.

Because they're already a little bit flying. Yeah, totally. I mean, really what a hovercraft is, is it's a reverse helicopter, which famously, you know, has a mythical place in the podcast canon as being the idea that Nick Mason suggested to you on episode 100. What have been 200? I also think the lead, speaking of pod ideas,

I think the listeners need to know that before we hit record on this before we started the podcast alan i spent a long time analyzing the idea of keeping a base 10 number system but just adding in some more numbers so that 10 was bigger yeah and so the reason why is because we looked at the number 317 which is the number of this episode and we thought oh my god 400 is coming so fast right right we felt that 100 really wasn't as big as it should be it feels a lot bigger than it is yeah and so we thought we could fix that by keeping the base 10 number system because i think to change that would,

would be quite disruptive to society. Yeah. You know, but if we just added numbers in there and the last number is still 10, right. And so we go one and we're not like, we're not doing things like we're going, okay,

seven is now, you know, whatever. No, no, no no no it goes it'll be still like it'll start with one that's stupid right you go one and then it'll go orc you know and then it'll be two and then it'll be flange and then and then uh galonkin and then tryst yeah and then five and then three And then Galunki. And then Trist. Yeah. And then five. And then three.

Yeah, all right. And then Labrador. Yes. Now Alistair. Alistair. Yeah. You said we're not doing seven is now flump. That would be stupid.

Now, I don't quite understand how that is different to what you're describing. No, because seven is still there. So seven is still seven. Well, is it though? Yeah, I mean... It is seven. It's not going to be called something else. No, but it's not going to be seven. I think It's not going to be called something else.

No, but it's not going to be seven. I think it's still going to be called seven, but it won't mean seven. Or maybe it will. I don't know. It'll still be seven. I mean, maybe these new numbers that we're putting in are non-sequential. Maybe these new numbers that we're putting in are non-sequential numbers, right?

Because really, we could very easily pull some numbers out from sort of the high billions, right? When nobody's – by that point, nobody's really paying attention. Certainly, nobody's going to notice them, right? So, we pull those numbers out whatever those the values of those numbers are 17 billion 368 okay if we if we took that number out and put that between four and five nobody would notice it was gone from down that end of the numbers right and i do that consider that to be an end of the numbers. It's still just worth... Yep. Essentially, each number is just worth one plus everything that's come before it.

Sure. So, each number is essentially one. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's just a function. Yeah. So, do you ever think of all the numbers as a function?

I try to stop myself in fact I refuse to think of them in that way I think of every number as an individual you know that's what they are to me they have their own identity do you see do they have personalities?

yeah they have personalities and they all okay hate me okay which is which is the nicest number in terms of kindness and generosity 47 and a half i just mean between between zero Zero and nine. It would have to be six. No, but like I want you to genuinely think about this. Don't just try to be so funny number. Okay. Okay.

What is the most generous number? I feel like it probably is eight. Am I right? Yeah. I don't know. Okay. I don't have the answer and you're the one who says they all have personalities yeah god i'm beginning to regret that i said that you know sometimes we say things on this podcast and we move on so quick that you get to feel like

you said something but it doesn't really matter and, you know, it's like you're mooning, you're sticking your butt out at a motorcade, right? And then sometimes the motorcade breaks down right next to your butt, okay? And, you know, the Prime Minister of Sweden has, you know, really gets a good look at your butt. Think of a motor. But it is pretty funny to think of a motorcade where the butt is in the car, the main car. So, the butt. So, is it a person is sticking their butt out of the main car?

I think this is a good sketch. I would say so. I think this is a good sketch, Alistair. And that's all it is. You know, it's basically just that as a vignette. The car is driving along. You see all the police motorbikes, the sirens, and the people lining the streets and all the barricades

and that sort of thing. They're going down the big boulevard there. And we see from above, from a helicopter, we see the big limousine with all the flags fluttering on the bonnet. And then the crowds, their faces, their happy faces, their happy cheering faces, people holding up their children. And then the big car falls into view and it's just a butt poking out of the window. Just a butt poking out of the window. And, you know, I mean, I know it seems like a very childish joke,

but the way that you can make it actually, you know, socially and politically important is if the anus is exposed. Okay, yeah. Because, you know, occasionally we'll have a boob on TV. Occasionally you'll see some pubic hair and maybe sometimes you'll see some full frontal nudity. But you still never on TV see an anus. That is the... you're right. And those people holding their kids up,

that's both of their hands are being used there. They don't have a very quick way of hiding that child's eyes. Okay. But also, who is better equipped to see an anus than a child? I will tell you who is better equipped. A parent who is wiping butts wiping butts all the time i i know but like but the parent is ill-equipped because they don't know how to deal with it for their kid really yeah but but really the kid is still living in the no bullshit land of family life yeah and so to see regular nudity actually like

to see complete nudity is you know a kid it doesn't fucking bother them of course you're right yep well you're and that's why it's socially as you say socially and politically relevant and justifiable because we're actually sending an important message by showing an anus to children that's right well you know it's it's the next step after that ted lasso guy who swears in front of kids the next step is to show sort of a an important anus as well it's not like you're just showing any anus you're showing an anus that's got state power behind it. Oh, so it actually is the prime minister or whoever is in the motorcade. I thought this was sort of a prank that we did.

Maybe we somehow snuck in there and the queen was supposed to be visiting or maybe they discovered that Diana wasn't really dead, right? And they were bringing her back to Buckingham Palace and everyone was expecting her and we snuck in while they're all queuing up there we snuck in with a fake motorcade drove along

showing everybody our butts maybe we even tricked everybody into thinking Diana was still alive would this be wrong? could this be the biggest prank of all time? having a sort of a Diana on each cheek. We will. Could be.

Yes. No, or are you saying Diana is also in the car? Diana's not alive. What it is is we've told everyone we discovered Diana. We tricked them into thinking she's still alive. Everyone's very excited. They're ready to watch her come into Buffy's palace. You got her in a limo.

In a limo we've got a big limo and then it's just a big butt poking out the window maybe doing farts maybe it's doing farts i mean it's more of a sort of a youtube prank than anything but um i there's also the part you can't describe this as just a YouTube prank No This is the people's princess we're talking about And some Yeah and some cars But I think

The butt Should be a little bit further in Because I don't want people I want people to see the motorcade coming down the road Yeah you're right it's not poking out the window I don't want the butt sticking right out the window Just, I want people to see the motorcade coming down the road. Yeah, you're right. It's not poking out the window. I don't want the butt sticking right out the window. Just because I want people to see people and I want them to see people react as the window gets in front of them. But then still not knowing what's happening, you know, because all the other windows are mirrored.

Yeah. Or tinted. And then it gets in front of them and then they see it is the butt and then they see the anus just as the cheek, you know, this cheek stops shadowing. Now, Alistair, okay, how about this? Yeah.

Right, so we've set this prank up. We do this prank, right? We're driving down, showing the butt to everybody. Maybe it's my butt, maybe it's your butt. Okay? And then what happens is we think we've pulled off this great prank because everyone's so shocked.

Right? But then it turns out that everybody just thinks that that's how Diana has aged. Okay? And she's so beloved that... So, does diana come into this we've convinced everybody that diana is still alive right and then we're telling them that this is her coming down in the motorcade so where are you saying that they are convinced they're convinced everyone is convinced everyone in the world is convinced that diana is still alive they're so we've said it that we've said it and they're like for some reason two random guys said it and now we are whatever we do we do you know obviously we do it in detail we plant stories in

the newspaper and that sort of thing and we have friends of hers or people you know saying oh yeah i've seen her it's definitely her right And then the butt drives down the motorcade, and everybody is, she's so beloved, and nobody wants to comment on the fact that she's aged badly. She now looks like a butt, right? And then she's in, this butt goes in and is embraced by the queen, okay? It's a tearful reunion. The queen, obviously, She's in an awkward position

Because she doesn't want to be seen to be spurning Diana again So she Somehow legitimises the butt As Diana And now We're inside the royal circle We're in too deep And you basically

Alistair it is you I've decided Has to spend the rest of your life, okay, bent over with your butt exposed, basically pretending to be Princess Diana. Does my butt have a wig on it? Yes, it has a wig on it. It has a blonde wing on it. And that's... What about like... But what about... You think you're out of this, but then... Then you realize that you've been roped into this to play Dodi Al-Fayed. That's right.

And I have to spend a lot of time kissing the butt. For cameras. We're both fine. We're both fine. And when we talk, it's sort of a bit like it's a bit like um ace ventura but when we don't have to open oh no i'm i'm i also a butt so i'm a dirty alfied butt i thought i was just a regular guy you're dirty no no you're also a butt and I think that one we do the reveal and I say

I come out once we're in the gates of Buckingham Palace and the gates are closed I go and Dodie Al-Fayed is also here and I open the boot of the limo and you come out butt first you know

I think it's really good And you come out butt first. You know. I think it's a really good idea. Okay. Now, I've got another idea, Alistair. How about this? The butt keeps kissing the Diana butt. Okay. And it's like, we're very happy and we've been fine we had amnesia the whole time now how about this idea limousines but wide

okay everybody loves a long limousine this one it's the same length as a regular car. It's just really wide. That's the whole idea. No, I love it. Actually, I just had to write down that thing. I didn't have a chance to fully. So, okay. So, I guess it's more spectacular because everyone has to get out of your way. Everyone has to get have to be cleared out yeah you gotta you gotta travel with with again every trip is gonna have to be a motorcade because you're gonna have to have that car that's a wide load warning yeah and up ahead

and a wide load warning car at the back. And if there's a narrow street, you have to drive down it sideways the whole way along the street like you're trying to get into a reverse park. So, you basically just do that the whole way down the street, sometimes for tens of kilometers. Sideways. But, you know, sideways for when you're doing a reverse park that's just backwards

with with your wheels turned so you're not actually going sideways well but you're you've moved the car so you start out next to the car park right and then you move sideways into the car park that's the that's the displacement is in that direction is moving sideways so that's what i'm suggesting for you basically wiggling down the road like that okay so you'd kind of do just forward and back yeah just forward and back Just turning the wheels, full lock Each way Just X point turn Yeah, that's right

So, yeah Yeah, and I don't even want to go into how I don't think that that's still sideways I don't want you to either Because I No, because it still is front and back yeah but but you're moving sideways aren't you you know overall yes i guess i guess it's diagonals sure it's diagonals but those consist of a horizontal line of you know know, like, you know, components at right angles, okay? And which is the one in which there is a net displacement

that's in the sideways direction? The other ones cancel out. I know, but there is still a large amount of forward and back displacement. No, not displacement. That you're just using trickery to eliminate. You're discussing a purely scalar universe, whereas I am talking about vectors. Yeah, I know.

But you're using sort of tricky economics to try to get rid of this forward and back movement that is equal in distance, basically. That's what I'm doing. I'm using tricky economics to try to get rid of this forward and back movement that is equal in distance, basically. That's what I'm doing. I'm using tricky economics. Yeah. Alistair. You went into that.

Alistair, is this an idea? Right. Because you've been talking... Is it your idea, your joke, about going back in time to whack off Hitler's dad? Yeah. Have you ever done that on stage? Yeah, why?

Why go? Yeah. How's it go? It goes okay. Because I think it's really funny. It's not long enough. Yeah. Look, maybe I can try to extend it.

Maybe change it to suck off Hitler's dad. Let's see how it goes sure i'd be willing do you think you would do it you would do if you knew that it would save everybody yeah wow yeah but the trouble is that you also have to convince Hitler's dad to let you. I guess. I guess you do. I mean, you don't have to. I guess you could drug him or something like that. But that feels wrong.

That does feel wrong, doesn't it? This is a really interesting moral question is it okay to go back in time and do it in a completely ethical way but but it's it it's an interesting most ethical way to interesting moral question say is it morally justifiable to go back in time and drug Hitler's dad and suck him off? That's what you're asking. Yeah, because he hasn't done anything wrong. Yeah, we assume. But I think you would try to convince him first.

In your broken German. first and you're broken german yeah and then but then i suppose and then you go okay fine then drink this i don't know if after that he would i don't know after that oh okay and then you make him a cocktail now can, could this be, I mean, how about we take this out of the, take Hitler out of the equation, right, and say it's the present day. Somebody comes back from the future and they tell you that your child, your yet-to-be-born child is going to become the next Hitler or going to become

an even worse genocidal maniac. And that you have to let them suck you off so that the sperm is destroyed. And that's the only way that it will work, apparently. Feels like this would be a great sketch for Fancy Boy in 2016. Sure. I mean, I like this. I think this is a great idea. This is a great thought experiment.

Now. Because, I mean, would you then? Now, this person comes back and says that they're coming back in time and they're trying to. Because, I mean, I guess it would be difficult, especially for those of us who are sort of in long-term quite committed relationships with children and stuff like that um would you ask your partner i don't know yeah i guess you would guess you would i think i think that this is a great film. Yeah.

Because I mean already, it's great because then you might, like if you wanted to do it properly, you would then, you would talk to your partner about it. Firstly, without this person there but you said they need to be like well how about i invite them over for dinner and we all talk it out and we'll get you know we'll get our parents to watch the kids for tonight we'll tell them

we're having a date well okay and then the person says i'm sorry i've only got a limited window uh in the time travel thing well they would because it would i've got to do this but they would and and that's what that's no no but they would no i think that they would like they know which load it is yeah you know and oh no wait why what because then you could just go oh i'll just crank one out yeah right how did we stop that from happening this is like this is the script writing problem that we have to solve now i mean you can you can sort of fudge it you can say well um there's a, I've got something in my tummy that will destroy this. No, you can't see what it is. I can't explain it to you, but it's in my tummy.

This is too important. It's in my stomach. It's going to destroy. I've, yeah, I've taken a special cocktail of gut bacteria to make sure that nobody, well, also there'd be evil people who have, you know, who would send people back in time and make sure that this still happens. Yeah, definitely. Right.

And so, they'll find tissues, they'll find whatever, they'll find. They'll go into the sewer system. They've probably already bugged your sewer system with little sperm-catching devices to make sure that this can't stop. We have sperm magnets in the future. They're probably using those. I mean, this is a great sketch.

But I was going to talk about how, like, I think, because, you know, the optimal time, if you're talking about going back in time to try and kill Hitler, obviously killing him when he's a baby is problematic, right? Killing him when he's a dictator

is difficult because he's surrounded by security. And I think that the best time to kill Hitler is when he was an art student. Because because nobody would care. They'd probably be relieved. Well, you know. I don't know.

I think this all seems too unethical they're quite annoying some of them I think he would have been one of the annoying ones I've got a feeling that's all become a genocider

the word genocider I The word genocider. I don't know if it's real, but it's got the word cider in it. It does, yeah. It's complicated, isn't it? And in that kind of craft beer world, where everything... Oh, yeah, you're always looking for a new name and a pun, yeah.

Do you think this shit is cider? It feels crazy to not have a high alcohol sort of called genocider sure um uh i mean is this is this just i mean is there an a sort of a silly ad based off of um this um yeah i think so or sort of a silly ad based off of this? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Genocider.

I mean, you know, it's not... It's not much, Andy. No, but I mean, I've said some stuff today that isn't a great deal. I've said some stuff today that isn't a great deal. I'm just suddenly so thirsty, Alistair, that I'm finding it difficult to think. I don't know if it's talking about cider and the fact that I haven't had an alcoholic drink now for four days, almost. Whoa, Andy.

I am so thirsty. I am so thirsty. I am parched. Andy, is it that bad? No, I'm okay. I can keep going, honestly. But also, I've never drunk an alcoholic beverage because I was thirsty. No, of course. I don't think of the want to drink alcohol as thirst.

I think of it as a need, something to fix a wrong that's in my body. Now, is there anything about us trying to legitimately market a sports alcohol? Right? So, it's like a gatorade sort of it's a beer version of gatorade and you know we have sports people promoting it and you know what it does is it replenishes all your hydrolytes. It stabilizes your, you know, cell osmosis levels. And it gets you nicely hammered.

I guess it'd be fizzy. Yeah, but you can't say that in the end. No, but that's implied. It's a beer, it's in one of those squirty bottles. And it's a sports alcohol, so it kind of loosens your muscles yeah it um it you know

it would reduce jitteriness um it would it would make you yeah it would make you take you know it would increase brave yeah it's good make you less risk averse you're going to put your whole body on the line. Yeah, I mean, I think a... But also, when your muscles are more, you know, when you're less tense, you're less likely to injure yourself. You know what you call this product? Gator Ale.

Gator Ale. Gator Ale. What? Ale. Oh, Ale. Gator Ale. What? Ale. Oh, Ale. Gator Ale, yeah. Or, um, Ginerade.

Nah. Gale to Rail. Maybe you're right. Maybe just the first sports beer is what you need. It's a sketch idea, Alistair. It can't be denied. Maybe the sports alcohol. Yeah, I've written it down. Prom's a sketch idea, Alistair. It can't be denied. It's alcohol. Yeah, I've written it down, promoting it.

No, absolutely. I won't deny it, Andy. I find it unbelievably difficult to deny. No, no, no. I don't think so. Alistair, I don't know if you know this about us, but we have listeners. And sometimes those listeners send us in um they support us on

the patreon and sometimes they can send us in three words to help us come up with a sketch idea yeah and i'm gonna guess those words right now yeah right now andy you've you've assumed that we have five sketches but that's in the old base 10 system. Oh, no. We actually have flug. Fluggen sketches. We're still only on Fonsen. That's what happens, man. You get, when you, when I'm looking for words, I get more Scandinavian. Yeah, you do. for words i get more scandinavian um so yeah we have a listener and today's words come from eckle eckle constantine constantine eckle constantine i think i think i think it might

be eckle constantine yeah great teen like constantine i donin. I don't know if it's Russian, Konstantin, like that. Or if it's Konstantine, if it's just that word. I think I got blown, I got, I got thrown by the Ks. The K, one K. Anyway, well, there's a K in Eccle as well. Eccle's got to be the coolest word. Do you know how Eccle is spelt? I have no idea.

I assumed it was E-double-C-L-E. Just have a guess. E, what is it? Double C-L-E? No, no, no, no, no. E-C-K-L. That's it? That's extremely cool.

To just end on a runner consonants like that shows a confidence that I really respect. You know, consonants is very close to their last name. Constant and constant. I don't know. All right. Now, we may have done this one before we've done um but you're going to guess the words you guess the words uh let's see the first word is cane as in cane furniture not at all it's right oh right no okay cane furniture Second word is left

Right left No It's another Right Another Oh right Is it W-R-I-T-E Yeah

Is it right another sketch It is It is Good is everybody gets words you get a word you get a word you get a word and you get a word we're being fucked with echo constantin congratulations you dog you scurvy dog um absolutely fucked with us but absolutely but andy got it so there's something in that andy gets it do you think we should not we don't have to do it so we fucked on your fuck because i mean technically you you fucked you fucked him when he fucked you when he fucked with you he fucked with him uh let's see is that what you said you said we fucked with

your yeah i think so yeah or fucked on your fuck i can't remember what i said but yeah but yeah you fuck we fucked with your fuck um okay so write another sketch okay well i feel like what do those words mean i mean to write a sketch i mean really what is writing it's making lines sketches are drawing and writing a sketch that's writing down words i mean that's that seems crazy have you noticed how many people are now doing commissions how many artists are like on twitter and stuff and i'm doing commissions for this i'll do commissions for do a drawing of your fucking favourite superhero, you know, doing, driving a motorbike. Right? Oh, I'll do commissions

and I'll paint your dog. Yeah, you don't think that that's all artists have ever done? I can't say. Isn't that what work is? Oh yeah, alright. Isn't that what work is? Oh yeah, alright Isn't that what all financial transactions are To a certain extent?

Yeah, I guess so Anyway, have you noticed that? Have you noticed that's what it all is? We're waiting for somebody to say Hey, make us a sketch in exchange for money That's all we're waiting for By the way, we will make sketches on commission.

I mean, maybe that's what we're doing right now. I mean, these people are giving us money on Patreon and then sending us three words to come up with a sketch with. That's what we're doing. We're finally doing sketches. This is coming up with sketches.

Have you noticed that? But I'm saying that if... I have noticed that? But I'm saying that if... Yeah, I have noticed that. But also, we should just say, if for some reason somebody really wants to have a sketch made and they have a bunch of money... Yeah, it's good. We'll get around to it eventually.

We will do that. We'll try and fit it in. Well, no, Andy. If we have paid work, we will absolutely will do that we'll try and try and fit it in well no and if we have if we have paid work we will absolutely set set it in we will find a way to get your parents to watch your kids that's actually one of the easiest parts of my life is convincing my parents to look after my children um yeah right another sketch all right here we go uh it's a it's a it's a yeah i think i think we gotta we gotta blur it a little bit we gotta blur your eyes a little bit because i was gonna pitch a sketch in which it's a it's a it's a diamond mine right and they this is so bad this is nothing

they keep finding gold and they throw it away because it's a diamond mine. That was what I was going to propose. What was it? It's a diamond mine. What was it? Mining for diamonds. And in the mine, they keep digging up lumps of gold and throwing it away because it's a diamond mine, not a gold mine.

I'm sorry. I thought it. Yeah, yeah. And I regret saying it. No, no, it's okay. What about somebody, their ears are bleeding? Yeah, now this is good. It's a product, right?

It's a product that it's just something that you just put in your ears to absorb blood, right? We just say that's what it is, okay? Are your ears bleeding? Now, this doesn't solve the problem in any way. It doesn't treat the root cause of the issue. All it does is you can put it in your ears. It'll absorb blood. And when you say...

I can finally work again. I mean, you can get another four or five hours out of this before they fill i actually want to make this sketch i used to i used to have my work used to be so dis uh disrupted because of all the blood disrupted because of all the blood constantly coming out of my ears. I would have to change. I'd be on Zoom calls and I would have to change my shirt constantly.

Yeah, and the person, they show us some of their bloodstained shirts and you can see where the blood's been coming out of theirs. Yeah, but everybody in this has white cloth like gauze coming out of their ears and it's all soaked in blood. Everybody asks me now, how did you stop the blood from coming out of your ears? And I tell them, I didn't.

I'm just soaking it up. How did you? I'm just soaking it up with this gauze that's in my ears people are amazed people often don't recognize me because i don't have liquid blood pouring out of my ears and they say what's that what's that interesting um scarf or something you have around your head i said it's not a scarf this is the gauze that i put in my ears to absorb the blood you know maybe in the end or maybe in a little cutaway from your Some very attractive women come up and start asking him questions about the gauze in his ears and start sort of stroking the gauze in his ears in a quite affectionate way.

Yeah. I mean, is this a kind of, is this a world in which men sort of get their version of a period, but it's just constant bleeding from the ears? No. Okay, great. No, it's just people who have a problem where they're constantly bleeding from the ears. Andy, it would be too much to explain

when we've had so much fun even without having to explain it. Yes, Alistair, what you don't understand is that I like to work on these ideas until they're not funny anymore. That's my role. That's my role in the partnership. We could add that. And then we can come and add the humor in at great expense later on in post. We'll get someone to punch it up.

Come up with a funny idea. I'll take the funny out of it. And then we'll get someone to punch it up come up with a funny idea i'll take the funny out of it and then we'll we'll get someone to punch it up later on shout in some jokes from off screen and by the way while i'm thinking of it jack druce on twitter and on youtube is making lots of really fun sketches and i've appeared in a few and and he's just getting it done doing it and they're funny gonna stop him you know he's one of the best nothing not don't stop him now he's having such a good time i think he's having a good time but he's making good work so in the end it doesn't matter one day he won't he'll be dead all that will be left is his work. He won't regret his life. And that's...

I know, that's right. But also he won't regret his life. And that's as good as having a good time. There you go. Sometimes in adulthood, sometimes having fun is just not feeling bad. That's the dream. Or feeling less bad.

You know what I haven't felt bad about this episode of the podcast there's been some good stuff in there me neither bunch of solid it's been really sketch short film slash long film big ideas big old ideas tv series absolutely this is a i'm gonna say it out of the 300s, beyond episode 300, this could be an iconic one. At least between 315 and 320. Yes, this is a real highlight. It's one of the most iconic ones between 315. Iconic amongst us.

All right. I'm feeling awkward now. So, let's make those sounds and make a song. Diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle listening to the podcast we really do love that you did that thing to it and us and uh you can find us everywhere that you find people you're gonna do it you know what if you google us you might be able to find the facebook pages of some shows that we did as many as 10 years ago so man check that out you go deep enough the facebook page get a little page of some shows you did. I keep getting updates of a show I did with Tony Besslink. We made a Facebook page for it. And I got an update today to say that we'd reached one new person on Facebook from the show I did with him.

What was the name of the show? Andy Matthews and Tony Besslink Achieve Nothing. But was there anything on the page? We made some promo videos filmed on the cyclorama at the very old Stupid Old Studios. Yeah, so yeah, there was some stuff there, definitely. Oh, I just remembered I used to do a show with Pat called... Soul Bank. Called Soul Bank.

That was very funny. And I think there is footage of that somewhere. Well, I don't know. Who knows? Who knows? It was, I mean, it was very loose. It was very loose. And Pat was the real thing.

The real... I did like that bit where he came on stage. One day we had to carry somebody up. Oh, yeah. Because they were interrupting so much. You carried them out of the room. Yeah. So, somebody was interrupting and had shit themselves, and we had to pick up their chair with them on it

and carry them out of the show. They're interrupting and they'd shit themselves. Yeah. How did you know they'd shit themselves? I think other people around them were saying that. I mean, if people around you are saying that... Then we lock the door. Yeah.

Look to your left. You probably shit yourself. And look to your right. If both of those people are saying that somebody shit themselves, there's a good chance it's you. You're the one who shit themselves, there's a good chance it's you. That you're the one who shit themselves. All right. Thank you for listening.

You can, you know what, you could review us. I don't know if it's, it's probably been, I haven't checked for ages, but it's probably been six months since we've done a review don't say that that's pathetic we don't we don't put fingers on it we don't draw attention to this kind of stuff out wow you know people talk about it with sex they go i haven't had sex for however long that's not good either this is the podcaster's equivalent. Hang on, that doesn't... I know.

Yeah, right. People say, oh, I'm going to hunt down your family and stab them in the face. People say that. Something people say. We all say that. Yeah.

Anyway, we better go. And we... So... We... Love... Like... You... Love. anyway we better go and we so we like you love you bye

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