Two In The Think Tank - 318 - "BATTLE BOCCE"

Episode Date: January 12, 2022

Butt Grilled Sandwich, Coffee Table Round Table, Al's Shit Idea (SNL Sketch), BB, Lingerie Chopping Board, Crotch Kitchen, CrumBed, You've Got To Sand It To Him, Sand SniperYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastJoin the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereIndustrial grade thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello and welcome to Two in the Sing Tank, the show where we got five sketch ideas, 20 seconds that was. 20 seconds, the longest 20 seconds of people's lives. I was attempting to get to the point where I was going to say I'm having an ass grilled sandwich. Let's put a sandwich in your pocket. You put a sandwich in your pocket and you sit down, right? Now we know from putting chocolate in your pocket.

Yep. And sitting down. And sitting down, you get melted chocolate. Yeah, no it depends how hot your your ass is Yeah, I'll say where we have talk it We've talked in the past about coming up with a room temperature bread a bread that will cook room temperature But this is this is far more time. Toast. This is a an ass temperature cheese and it's a nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice the, you know, the butt culture, you know, there's a big butt culture about what type of butt is appealing at any given time. But it's all meaningless because the butt, the bits of the butt that we value have no real function until we invent the butt grilled sandwich. And then finally, there'll be a reason to value a particular type of button. The particular type of butt that will be valuable is very flat,

but then with a sort of ribbed kind of grill type texture to it. But you see, I think that's what I think initially that's what we'll love. But then it's like these, that's what we'll love because it's the same as the technology that we're imitating. I didn't even realize that. But yeah, you're right, good observation. You see?

But then eventually we'll realize, well, why did we move from sandwich presses to butts if we just want to do the same thing? It's exactly like the fake mate Situation, and then we'll we'll start to appreciate the butts that that do natural butts natural butts and if you heard of natural wines No, I haven't these are like these are like it's a it's haven't. These are like, it's a thought.

It's like a, it's a... You ferment it in a pot of puddle and the ground of ditch and the dirt. It's not that, there's still some craft to it. But they don't like overly filter it the way that wines are done and overly, like, you know, so as you get these really cloudy wines, you get wines with scents, smells in them

that classical wines would consider faults and things like that. But people are like, well, actually, we like these bits. So we're just trying to make it a nice one. And it's the same thing with us. We're just trying to make a nice toasted sandwich. With your butt, right. With your butt. I mean, you know, it's like a, it's, that would be basically hug warmth. Yeah.

Oh, you know, it'd be the same temperature as hugging your mom or your dad's ass. Yeah. It take you back. No, I mean, this is great. Yes. Yeah. It'll take you back. No, I mean, this is great. I mean, it's really good. Alistair, how about this though? How about this idea, all right?

It's a coffee table, but it's made out of coffee. It's real, it's a genuine coffee table, you know it. Like it's made out of like a mug with like, like brown liquid in it and foam. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, when you say it back to me like that, I, some, you know, yes, I've got some questions. But, you know, there are some ways that this could be done, right? It's, but like, so bad is it like a porcelain, it's a porcelain thing and it's just a coffee in it. Well, what about this, right? But like, so bad is it like a porcelain, it's a porcelain thing, and it's just a coffee in it. Well, what about this? Right, it's a cup, okay?

It's a regular cup, but then it has four legs, a coffee table height, okay? So now you no longer need the coffee table, okay? The cup has its own legs, so it is its own coffee table. You just put it on the ground. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like what you're inventing is just a, um, the mug tripod. It, yeah, but it's got four legs like a coffee table.

Oh, sorry. I mean, it could even be, it could even be a, just a, a single mug coffee table could be small, like sort of coast of sized, but then with the four legs. Another way I can see this going is it's a big mug, big wide, big mug the size of a coffee table filled with coffee. And then you have little boats that float in the coffee, right, that you can put other stuff on like you. So it's reversing the coffee, right, that you can put other stuff on like you. So it's reversing the coffee table situation.

Previously, it was a table, yep, now you go. You know it's a sketch here? This is at the coffee table, this coffee table company that they make coffee tables. Yeah. And you're a new person at this place. You can tell. A grain home. And then, yeah, a real tender foot.

Tender foot, tender foot, a reference to something that nobody will understand. Well, you've got to lay out stuff. It was a time, there was just a time in my work life where I was in a small office with about five, six people in it. And for some reason, both the words green horn. No, this was when we were working with the project. But there was just a week there where the words green horn and tender foot. I would search them

on Google and then they'd have a little thing that allows you to click it so that it says it out loud. And there was just a week where we were doing that with words and for some reason green horn, tender foot, tender foot would be done all over. Anyway, a lot of it would be laugh, but I don't, you know, it doesn't have that same impact right now without the contact. That's a perfect, that's a perfect in joke because it has, there is nothing there. The only, the only thing about it is that we find this funny. Yeah, and it's yeah, exactly. Something that you just laughed for the pure comedy.

The purest comedy. Yeah. And that's where I'm trying to go with this coffee table sketch. So it's you, you're pitching these coffee tables, what are you trying to say? I'm making it out of coffee. A lot of cool, full of ideas. I've been looking forward to this job.

I've been hired. This is the most prestigious coffee table business. And you're like, you feel like you're going to revolutionize coffee tables, right? Yeah, I do. Like you're saying, there hasn't been a revolution in coffee tables for probably 300 years. Well, since they invented the lazy Susan, which is basically a revolving coffee table. Yeah, and they put those on coffee tables? No, I mean, give me something. Yeah, I was just going to like a revolution, revolutionary. I saw, oh, oh, oh, oh just wish I was dead. And that's not your fault.

I suppose the glass pain over the top, the glass pain one. That's what I'm most very, very tripping. Yeah. The one a good coffee table you can fall through. How about this coffee table you can fall through? Well, the coffee table they could kill you. They'd never be able to do it up until they're out. Or not kill.

It will maim you and you'll have bits of it all in different parts of your skin. And but then you show up. You're ready to revolutionize it. Coffee tables and you pitch. It's at the weekly pitch meeting. You do a pitch meeting early on in the work and the week and then later on You they you know the people the pitches that they like they can tell you to go work Work on the pitch is something and into something they say I want something

Hang on let me just give me a minute to work on the slide Okay, oh no, you've got you've got something you're gonna say No, Saturday night they out they perform all the comedy, they perform all the coffee tables live on network TV. So, man, I interrupted your really nice little idea so many times. It's a good one.

It's a good one. You were going for something though. It's a good. It's a good. You were going for something though. No, I mean, I just, I was like, oh, we've got to get, we've got to get, I can't be too much distance between them. Me, we can be analogy. Anyway, I've got it inside that bit and I killed it like, like you would crawl inside a whale to drop,

to, to, to put some dynamite deep inside it's intestines. Which bit of the whale would you think would be easiest to put the dynamite into a sort of a swimming whale? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. The blowhole. Because it would you? The butt. Oh, I guess the blow hole, yeah, but the butt, I guess they're gonna buck.

I reckon my whale bucks. Mm. They feel you tickle and getting your little thingies around that blow hole. And while the whale rodeo. Oh, that's good. Oh, I was gonna say, I knew a bit, when I was ruining your bit,

I was gonna say something about, I want something on my desk in the morning, but I couldn't work out because, you know, desk table, coffee desk, doesn't matter, doesn't matter. Anyway, have you written down anything about coffee tables, Alistair? Because I think a model that has its own legs is a real, I think it has legs.

But I have a sketch idea based on that idea. Yes, right? Right, so that'll do. I think it has legs. But I have a sketch idea based on that idea. Yes. Right? Right. So that'll look. That'll look. And you pitch that. You pitch that to the head guy.

Lauren Coffey-Taylor. Anyway. Anyway. You pitch it to Lauren Coffey-Taylor. Yeah. You pitch it to Lauren coffee table. Yeah. And he's the grandson of the inventor of the coffee table. Yeah, okay.

But of course it's the coming together of two families, the coffee family and the table family. Yeah, I'm going to start using coffee, because coffee, a coffee table is just a short table, right? I'm going to start using coffee as a prefix just to describe short things, right? So, you know, it's good. I'm going to start calling it a coffee pony. Coffee pony, yeah. And are you gonna put coffee on it,

or is it just referring to its shortness compared to other? It's just referring to its shortness. I'm removing it from its original meaning. In the way that language does sometimes. Like how we took the burger from hamburger and turned that into its own thing. Did we? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I turn that into its own thing. What? You know? Did we? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know like like a like a like a hamburger

Was a reference to a particular type of sandwich that came from hamburger, right? Right. I think and then and then now you can have like a veggie burger but Right. It's just because we've taken the burger part to mean a patty somehow. A patty, yeah. You know patty, patty Newton? Patty Newton, patty Newton, that's right. Yeah, look, so you pitched this fucking coffee

with legs. And Lauren coffee table, who's been very enthusiastic, because people have been putting forward other coffee table Is who's been very enthusiastic as people have been picked you know putting forward other coffee table ideas You what about a race car top coffee table worked with beds and they're like I love it You know trying to get like you know Really good idea I can't believe you came up with that over time I think we should have a race conversion version of every item of furniture. Yeah. You know, I was like, ah, coffee table for the kids room. Kids don't have coffee tables. They've got

tables. They've got desks. Yeah. But they don't have their own coffee tables, which would be a much smaller coffee table. In your language, you'd be a coffee coffee table. Yeah. Anyway, so so so Lauren is loving it. He's laughing and that's what you want when you're going to say. You've got a good you know and he's a hard guy to make laugh. What's just when you're giving coffee table? One of the things about Lauren coffee table is that he was hitting the head at a really young age and his brain got all screwed up. And now instead of saying yes, that's a good idea he laughs. He laughs when he hears a good idea. That's right, yeah.

Yeah, he was kicked in the head by a coffee pony. And now where did he, yes. And now where did he, that's very good. And now when he goes to a comedy show, he says, that's a great idea for a coffee table after every show. Which is why he no longer, yeah, he no longer goes to live shows anymore.

He does occasionally hire a comedian, but they have to sign a non-disclosure agreement and they perform just to him. And he has a really good time, but it's just a one-on-one coffee show, which he calls it a comedy, a coffee table show. And, but yeah, it's just joke after joke after joke. And then he goes, that's a great idea for a coffee table.

And then sometimes it's a big, that's a great idea. That's a great idea for a coffee table. And sometimes he just, it's a big, that's a great idea. That's a great idea for a coffee table. And sometimes it's a little titter. It's like, that's a great idea for a coffee table. Yeah. That's a great idea for a coffee table. Anyway. But then he comes to you and you say, what about a coffee table

made of coffee? Or it's a mug with four legs and then his eyes narrow And as and he's and he's he's not having a good time anymore He says we have we have this the new guy You know, yeah, because we have one of you come in here every three to six months. You come in, you think you're gonna revolutionize coffee tables because you're focusing more on the first word of coffee table

rather than the second word of coffee table. You think it's all more should be more about the coffee? Well, it's not about the coffee. It's about the table. And then he says, I'm putting out a hit on you. You never come back here and you know who's going to execute that hit? Me. I'm going to track you down. This is my real passion. Anyway, then he's going to try to hunt you down. That's the rest of the movie.

Yeah, I've been being... This is... I love the idea of being hunted down by Lauren Michaels. Yeah, that is, that would be good. He's the SNL guy. He's a Saturday Night Live guy. He is, yeah. Sorry. In quite a frost, I put you in quite a frosty environment, maybe in Alaska. And, you know, he's, he's, he's got to this big warm coats and that sort of thing. He's doing quite well.

He's got a Skadoo. I'm on foot. And it's, uh, yeah. I guess you're on foot and he's got a, he's got a way, it's got a Skadoo. Okay. Yeah. Great. I think it's maybe he, he shouts after way it's got a good to okay great I think maybe he

shouts after me something like you're gonna be sad and I did something like that hmm yeah yeah and so do you think he's gonna kill you on a Saturday night or do you think it's the the being there for the live recording is too important I guess there's an offseason I think this must be what he does in his off season. Yeah, he got to keep busy. He doesn't say how and kills aspirational sketch comedians. I think there's a beautiful symmetry to that. During the season, he's nurturing the careers of the next generation of performers. They're going to be the biggest stars of tomorrow.

That's what he does during the on season. But there's got to be balance. And that takes it out of you doing that. And the only way you can recharge is overwinter by hunting down and killing in a frosty isolated environment. It would feel good. The equivalent number of aspirational sketch comedians. It probably would feel good after a season of being pitched.

Lots of terrible ideas. Well, I think to exercise, it feel like you're exercising those demons. Hmm. Hmm. I think you think bad ideas pile up inside you. Not in may not get them all out. The body keeps the body keeps score, you know, keeps track of them. And at some point you that you, you know, you pay for it later on. All the bad ideas that you hear. Now bad ideas, do you mean bad sketch ideas that you come up with, like bad creative ideas

or bad thoughts that you have? You talk about truly evil things. No, I just mean bad sketch comedy ideas. Mm, yeah. I don't know. I think we've got the perfect brain for it because we've forget everything that we've said. As soon as we finish the episode. And then somebody goes, hey, Michael's shoe marker or shoe. And I go, I the shoe that that you smashed on a rock. Okay.

That's unpleasant. Well, I mean, it's, you know, it fits with the cross country skiing element of the story that we've been telling. All right, Elis there. I genuinely thought that my idea for a coffee table with legs would have been a funny sketch idea, regardless of you putting it in the context of a guy. I don't. Things that's a shit idea.

I love that you turned my, tried to find a way to make my idea acceptable to you by saying, well, the only way I can see this working is if it's in a context where you get ridiculed for this being a shit idea for a sketch. That's all. But Alistair, you tried to make it work and I really appreciate that. Well, it was working for me. I guess it wasn't a sketch idea.

And I know that we've broadened what a sketch idea is. But occasionally, sometimes it can just be an idea for a coffee table that is a mug with four legs. But anytime I pitch a product to you, LSDer, you imagine an ad for this product, you imagine people using it, you imagine an inf for this product, you imagine people using it, you imagine an info-merchal or something like that. These are very normal contexts to put a product idea into, to turn it into a sketch idea. Doesn't always have to be a scenario in which somebody is suggesting the idea and then being told that it's shit.

I know, but Andy, that can also be the scenario, right? You're right. You're absolutely right Alistair. And that I was making some kind of like, sorry, I don't know I've got no idea. I've got no idea Alistair. It's it's it's it's it's a sketch comedy show right? Yeah. It's a sketch comedy show. It's called Saturday Night Live. It's produced by a lawnmike. This is my sketch idea. And it's you, you go in there. And you pitch the idea for a coffee table show,

where they do them on Saturday nights. They present them on Saturday nights and somebody's suggesting that fucking little coffee mug with legs. This is your sketch idea that you're pitching to Lord Michaels on Saturday night life. This is your first way of working there. Can I do the race car ride? What's that? Do I do the, say the race car coffee table to show that some people had good ideas? Yeah, you did all of that. You did that. Then you mentioned the other ideas, right?

And then Lauren Michaels says, he's eyes narrowed. And he says, that's a really bad idea, Alistair. And I really regret employing you. Oh, I'm sad, the Friday night. Anyway, so write that down as well because that means that we've got three sketch ideas. All of the beacfully good. Saturday night live, it's a new, our stories. Shit idea.

You know what, actually, now I would enjoy, I would enjoy seeing this as a series of nested sketches in a sketch show, in which it starts out just as you and I just brainstorming ideas and I pitch that to you. And then we see that inside the second sketch. And then we see that that's actually inside the third sketch. And what it is is a battle between you and I to try and make the other ones sketch idea the butt of the joke. I think that's fun.

I think that's something. Yeah, it's a look. It's a sketch comedy is never, it's hardly ever competitive in a way that it shoots. That's right. And you never, they never make it seem like they, you know, they put all the writers in the credits, but they never write who wrote the good sketches and who wrote the bad sketches. They just tell you these people wrote some stuff. And what they don't tell you about being in a sketch comedy duo is that at some point it stops being about making the audience laugh and starts being about making your sketch partner cry. audience laugh and starts being about making your sketch partner cry. Making them hurt. The show just has to go well enough to justify you still being a sketch duo. And then the

show itself is a battle to make the other person to become the dominant one, I suppose. Exactly. It's a real struggle. It's like, you know, it's like watching boxing. Is it like watching or watching Bocchi? Or Bocchi. You know, it's the dominant guy with the big ball, the big metal balls. you got to have you got to have balls of steel to play bachie. Okay. What about this? Okay, it's it's it's battle bachie, right? And this is where you you both You stand at opposite ends now of the bachie field and You both have a jack that you throw towards the other person, okay? And then you basically throw your balls towards the other person and you're allowed to use their body as part of the game so you can bounce them off their head and that's it.

Oh, yeah, that's a great idea. It's battle-botsy, okay? But you treat the opponent's body as if it is one of their balls, okay? So you throw the jack and they then go and stand next to it, I guess. And then you try and use your balls to throw them at them and knock them away from the jack so that your balls can be closer than they are. And they are doing the same thing to you. And you're taking it in turns. And yeah, it's either battle botching, body botching or botching.

Bare knuckle botching. But they heard knuckle, you don't wear like four ounce gloves. No, you don't. No, you don't. 16 ounce gloves, like they have a boxing, 14 ounce gloves, and like that. It sounds like it. But, but if you, you know, like if you knock somebody's ball up behind the white line, that ball is out. If you make the other person unconscious, do you just automatically win? Yeah, that's right. Now are they allowed to block or anything like that, using lift their arms up to protect

their face? Yeah, we're right. Yeah. Okay. So there's defensive skill in there as well. There is. I can try to move their legs. One of the balls in their hand as well. But yeah. But the eventually you run out of balls that you're holding in your hands. And so you've just got to block it with your body. But it is a real skill because at the same time you want your ball to land closer to the jack than their body is. So you can't just go throwing the balls at their head really hard, or at least not all of

them. You know, it is, in fact, I'd argue this is more of a game of strategy than boxing is. It's true, yeah. Because there's a less endurance though. Less endurance than boxing. Yeah. Oh, I have told you how many balls each person gets yet, Alistair. Oh, yeah, sorry 168 balls each and they're heavy you each have to throw one per second Anyways, this any fast game. Yeah, I've written down battle Bocchi. Oh great Battle Bocchi It's yeah, it's gonna be real horrible to watch hmm Yeah It's gonna be real horrible to watch. Yeah.

You know, like wooden chopping boards. Yes, I do. How do you feel about them? Well, it feels like you shouldn't chop meat on them. Oh, that's just me. But since we do have them and people do chop meat on them, how about this? Cloth chopping boards

Yeah, right and your chop and your chop meat on them Yeah, do you do you even sort of maybe like you roll maybe even roll meat on them like you know You're making a mince little mince balls or something like that, little meatballs, and you're rolling them around on it. Is it Terry Talley? What kind of a fabric, what kind of a cloth are you picturing? I'm picturing Terry Talley. Well, I don't know, but I feel like it's only important.

It would only be good if it was like something that you have to wear then later. Yeah. Okay. Like, if it was like a lingerie, a lingerie chopping down. Well, we already have edible underwear, right? Yeah. That's very sexy.

But what about other way that you could prepare food on? Yeah. Even other underwear, if you want it to other edible underwear. Yeah. That's cool. You see? You know, obviously I'm thinking of this for the man and the woman. I mean, the man, you know, maybe there's a, for the man, it's like there's a, it's like a, you know, a male G string sort of lemon squeezer or,

you know, like, or like, you know, egg, Yeah. Egg slicer or something. I'm picturing every item in the kitchen is now on the way. Imagine slicing boiled eggs for a salad, but just using that string at the back of a man's G string to just put pressure on that middle of that egg and push down, sort of cut it like one of those, you know, like a cheese wire, you know, so you see one of those cheese wires?

I think this is a great way to, you know, to prepare a very romantic dinner, a very sensual dinner. Like imagine a dinner that you make entirely with your crotch. Right? You're ready to take things to the next level with your beloved. And you have, we have basically we've developed a series, a range of kitchen implements, which can all be attached to the crotch in some way. You can use just sort of generally thrusting and gyrating to make an entire potato salad.

Gyrating feels like it would be easy. There's going to be a very romantic ditto with this potato salad. A lot of them are most romantic. And rolled meatballs. Like, yeah. Potato salad and meatballs. You know, I rolled these with my cock on the lingerie you're wearing.

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? I mean, but also, there there is not just I mean, you see, I wasn't picturing it all happening with the crotch, but I do find that very interesting. I think Yeah, no, no, I realize I changed the idea slightly, but it's kind of like, you know, it's using a sort of a strap on type scenario, but you're now strapping on everything that you would find in these second drawer down in the kitchen. You know, you know, I also know what I also like about the idea of the lingerie chopping board and you know in these parts of the body and things that you're let you later put on to use in the next phase of the date. It's that the decisions you make in one section affect the next part of the day. A lot of the time you go to a dinner, then you go watch a movie, right? And none of that dinner affects the movie mostly.

Like none of that part of the date is anyway intertwined. It's narrativelyly very quite simple. Yeah, well, that's, that is, but then that's not even you're doing. That's the rest around doing that, you know? You're taking control of the timeline. Yeah. Because if, if you come over for a date, you know,

let's say you're coming to my house for a date, all right? And we're dating. You knew this was a- They were basically back to the butt cooked sandwich. Oh yeah. Oh wow. I mean, that's incredible, Andy. But let's say you have come around to my house for a date,

okay, and then you come out and you see that there's just this beautiful piece of lingerie that I own and it's for me to put on later. But you see me. I can picture this fully. This is fantastic. You see me sliding a knife under the netting of like a big pork roast. You know, I'm cutting that open. I'm getting it rubbing oil on it and oil's falling on the lingerie and things like that. But this, you can see that there's a foreshadowing of what might happen later.

All right, somebody might get their rump, or rubbed with oil, but also there's... There's also, but also there's a lot to could lingerie could be involved in some way Yeah, that's great. I mean what I tell you another thing that I like about this idea is that since being a dad Three small children I can picture doing this and Still having less food on my clothes at the end of the day than I do now and still having less food on my clothes at the end of the day than I do now. Yeah, but also these days, since having kids, you almost don't get to wear your lingerie anymore.

That's true. At all. Yeah. And so, you know, you gotta start using these. You know, burn the good candles. You know, you know, you know, get out the great crockery for, you know, just eat on it for just a meal and

Chop a lot of roast on your your fantastic lingerie And then later on put it on To make love to your partner now now make love to your partner. Now, now... The S&D? No, I mean, I'm just a few things went through my head, but I was wondering firstly, is this in some way two separate ideas, one, a range of cooking implements that you can use with your

genotype, or with your crotch, so you can make a sexy dinner in that way. And to just the very pure, very pure, very clean idea of lingerie that you'd use as a chopping board, is that a separate idea? Okay, wait, wait. Say, what was the first one again? The first one was a range of kitchen implements that you can attach to your crotch so that you can pair dinner with thrusting and grinding. that you can attach to your crotch so that you can pair dinner with thrusting and grinding. You know, you're making a difference. I had written it down as one idea. Yeah, that's fine. That's a-okay.

They're close enough in spirit. Yeah, because I think a lot of young people are interested in cooking, but then, you know, it might not be exciting enough, it might not be racy enough for them to, and so they're kind of choosing other activities like, you know, like going out to the dance clubs and, you know, and smoking crack and things like that. And, but we need to make cooking. Yeah, yeah, I mean, basically we have, if you pictures somebody wearing a strap on, but instead of a penis that's attached,

it's a potato masher. Yeah. And then somebody has one of those. And there's one of those. And the island bench with a bowl under their crotch. And there. But why not? But why not there be somebody underneath that bowl

with that bowl's secured magnet, and secure it to their crotch? Okay. Yes. You know, and they've got, you know, maybe in one hand, they got some milk or some, you know, a stick of blood, and they keep adding little bits

as it kind of calls for it. Yeah, great. Like that, now that, that will get people, that will get kids off the street. That will get kids back into the kitchen. And you know, we're also great about this. It doesn't say anywhere in the Bible that you can't do it. So this is, this is, this is all nice, good, clean,

Christian fun. I can't make a meal. That would God would say, I mean, I guess it doesn't say anywhere that you can't make a meal. And even if God did say you couldn't make a meal, you'd say, what, I can't make a meal? God, that would you say in Jesus. God, that's not you're saying? Jesus. God, that's too much. All right. And the other thing that I was going to say about this is that like it's, you know, a

lot of people are, you know, this is very probably people like to bring a little bit of food into the bedroom, bring a bit of food into their love love making, but one up bringing a bit of love, making new food. You don't just mean like chip crumbs in the bed. No, no, although that does happen. That does happen. Bring a little food into the bedroom. Rest assured.

We pitched at some point on this podcast, something that involved having more crumbs in the bed. And just thinking about that is so viscerally unpleasant. But imagine a bed that is all crumb. Well exactly, that is what I'm picturing right now. And I'm wondering if we've already brought it up. Okay, let's talk about the advantages of a bed that's all crumbs. Now.

Okay, would you have the crumbs stuck together, so like a musely bar? I don't think that counts. I think they've got to be loose individual crumbs that can attach themselves to your body, get into crevices and that sort of thing. But just imagine you're climbing in under the covers on this bed that is all crumbs.

You could see all the crumbs there. And they're not, they're not gross. There's not like maggots and stuff in there living in the bed. No, no, no, it's just, it's, it's, they're clean crumbs. Yeah, it's a little oily. Sure. Right. And some, and some, if you have, play body temperature to it, chocolate does melt onto your skin. With a few bits of little flexor chocolate in there sure sure sure right but

And and it is unpleasant in that regard but you can eat in bed all you want True, yeah, it's not gonna get any worse Well, I'll get a little bit worse. Yeah, well. I'm not sure. No, it won't get noticeably worse. Yeah, it won't get noticeably worse. Yeah, I know that's the tagline you've nailed it.

We're right in this town. Yeah, sure. Sure. I mean, you go along to the mattress sales place. You're looking at the cost of all the mattresses and you're like, and then and then Lauren, Lauren mattress walks up. Oh, there he is. He says you got an idea for a mattress. Sometimes mattress salesmen don't just want to sell mattresses. They also need to keep keep getting new ideas for mattresses. Yeah and you know I guess one of the good things is you become able you know if you've been in the business as long as lawn mattress then you start to be able to spot talent really easily. Yeah I know

the guy in the show who somehow knew just when he saw Mark Walberg working at that restaurant, he was going to have an enormous Wang. He said, let me have a look at your Wang and he was like, and it turned out to be enormous. I just don't know how, I mean, that's incredible, isn't it? Do you think you might have heard something? The street didn't he say that he would go and whack off in the alleyway for For people or whatever for a bit for a bit of money and things like that. I think that was the case Yeah, I think that was there must the word must have been on the street when you're when you're a wang scout You know you're looking for stories like the close to the

To the alleyway ground yeah like to close to the alleyway ground. Yeah. Also, just earlier, when I wasn't just going in there to criticize your coffee table idea, I think what I felt I was trying to stay with my statement was that we as people who are on the outside of the coffee table world. We naively think that we could easily revolutionize coffee tables, right? And do it as simply as just a mug with legs, right? Or the coffee's made, the tables made of coffee or something like that, right? Because it's novel, it's wacky. But actually, the real innovations have to come

within the paradigm of the, you know, and that's, and that's, you know, I'm sure they've tried that. And that's why this guy's eyes narrowed, because he, that's what he's saying while he's stabbing you. All right, he's saying, you can't just make the table out of coffee and that's enough of a thing. People don't want a table made out of coffee.

They just want a table that looks nice. It's true. They don't want a, they don't want a clever table. They don't want it. They don't want to be shocked. They don't want to be challenged by the coffee. They don't want a table that's smarter than them. Alasair, I'm telling you right now that I am going to get this mug with legs idea into

my client is innocent. I'll show it at the comedy festival. There's no way. It is going in there. This is the new this is the new ostrich sized and it's happening. But there's no there's a light coming down this tunnel Alistair and it's a torch that I'm shining on a coffee table on a mug that has legs. Whilst running. Yeah, to get away from the trade that spies me. But you'll have to have a joke attached to it, and at least ostrich sized.

Alistair. The pun based on ostrich size. This is a joke. A mug with legs on it is a fucking joke, Alistair. That's what a joke is. I know, but it's not. It's not like a joke that an audience will laugh at. Yeah, it is. It absolutely is. And you're gonna be... But let's say, let's...

It's so embarrassed when I kill with this joke every single night. There was a... picture that was a joke store. And you pitched that to Lauren joke. Lauren joke store. Lauren joke store. That was the original guy. Anyway, forget it. I think we have five sketch ideas, Andy. So I think we got it.

They just better be branches up to stop so because it's getting tets. Three words from a listener. I don't know if you know this we got listeners. And this one was actually once referred to as one but is now known as Tommy Timmerson. Tommy Timmerson. Tommy Tim. TT. TT. I am a. And the T.I.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T.T. word is philanges. No, but I feel like you've guessed that a few times. Oh, Jesus Christ. My brain always goes to words that start with P, and then I try to pick one that I haven't thought of before. Maybe you can understand the words.

Well, I'll pick something really obscure. I won't have thought of that before. And obviously I end up in exactly the same point every time. I could be wrong. We can ask We can ask people who might know remember these things if we've ever said phalanjis before okay It's not the first word is sandy. Oh Kind of rhymes. Yep. All right. The second word is plinth No, it's slander Sandy slander. Sandy, slander.

Rhypnol. No, Andy, no, but Rhypnol could go in this third word, the third word is sandwich. Sandy's slander sandwich. Yeah. Sande's slander sandwich. Let's see. Sande? Well, well, Sandy and Sandwich both are in there. Then slander has ander in and end. I think a really good way to undermine a restaurant, like a... If you're a restaurant, you've got a rival restaurant, opens up. Would be to somehow switch out the little salt shakers that they have on the tables, salt grinders or whatever, with ones that are almost identical, that are identical, also contains salt, but also you just put a little bit of beach sand in there, right, amongst the song. And you just look and say, you know,

and what's great about this is there's no poison, poison element. You're not going to kill anybody, right? You're not even going to hurt anybody. But you are guaranteed to give them the worst time of their life, the worst meal they've ever eaten. You're going to be so unhappy. And I don't think that, and you know, it's sad, it's untraceable.

You can't follow that. You're not gonna, I mean, you might be able to trace it to back to a beach. Maybe if you get a, you know, a good guy, a good, a good, good, sad guy. Oh, this, good, sad guy's like, oh like oh no this is basalt This is bus and especially if it's basalt. It's wait is this is what the guy will say when he Tastes the food he goes is this a salt shaker or a basalt shaker? Yeah, it's really good. Oh wow. I mean the jokes are out of themselves of this sketch

That's great and then he puts a coffee With four legs on on to the table and everybody in the diner laughs. They all say that's a good idea for a coffee table which is you're all kicked in the head by a coffee potty when they were young. Even even and Lauren coffee shop work at Lauren restaurant who owns this establishment actually finds that funny and that's how he responds to jokes because he was never kicked in the hit. Um, so is that a sketch out here anyway?

Yeah, I mean I think there is. It's a perfect crime, you know. Sand in a meal. Would you do it, would you do it and then, like when would you put it in, when would you put the sand in? When I might walk past the tables, this is just the outdoor dining and I might just sort of slightly do it.

I've got matching salt shakers that I bought. Okay. Great expense and I'm swapping them over, prepare them, I'm swapping them over. But how would you just wait for no one to be looking, or would you do a sort of a swifty like, oh, I fell on the table, and then you're picking up one, put it in your jacket, but then you have to do that from multiple tables, I guess.

Yeah. What about this? You look like a real weirdo. But what about this? It's a, I'm thinking now about assassins, right? And how, really, what they do is you know You've got a political enemy of some kind and what you do is you Pay somebody and they'll go and the assassin will go and they'll they'll kill this person for you

But what if you don't want to kill them? What if you want to just give them a really bad life or just annoy them? For the rest of their lives continually. A great way to do that would be to hire a really good assassin who's just really good at making sure that every single thing that this person eats from here on out in their life is going to have a little bit of sand in it. Maybe they have a sniper rifle. Exactly was exactly it's a sniper So sand shooting thing Yeah That would be you a victory. Yeah, and just shoot it into their food

One weapon in their extensive arsenal And they were like I'm picturing little like individual grains of sand just bursting through glass Yeah, I mean, I wonder if that would, I wonder if that would, like if you could get a grain of sand through a bit of paint of glass. Do you think it would break the whole glass? What do you think it just go through almost undetected? Really good question. I think it might break the whole, You have to be firing it pretty fast. But the great thing about shooting individual grains of sand is that you don't even have to shoot them through the window.

You can just find the tiniest crack. And if you're a good shot, then you can shoot that little grain of sand straight through the crack and into their bowl of soup. Undetected. undetected. But I also think that the idea of because I think that that's a better I would think in terms of me if I was ever getting revenge on somebody I think somebody that you pay like a hitman that you pay but it's to make somebody's life bad forever. A little bit bad forever. I think I would prefer that option always. I think that there's a story that I think there's definitely stories and kind of sketches in that idea. Thank you so much. Law and sketch show. If you took that to Law's sketch show, he would absolutely clap and be very happy.

I'm going to be able to get a celebrity on to do some of this. Anyway. So I just got to write this down. Oh sure, sure, sure. Thanks very much to me Thomas Thomason or Tommy Timerson, for those great words. That does, yeah, Tommy Timerson does suggest the existence of a Timmy Thomason.

It does. Yeah. All right, I think we forgot to go through the sketch I did last time. We did, we got some feedback to that effect. I think I realized as we were signing off, We forgot to go through the sketch ideas last time. We did, we got some feedback to that effect. I think I realized as we were signing off, something was missing. But luckily, we aren't perfectionists,

so we got away with it. Okay, here's the beloved part of the show is still in. We still in, yeah, we've remembered to continue now. Okay, we've got Butt-Grilled Sandwich. This is just, it goes back to one of our core ideas of the podcast of just what if things could happen, but at a different temperature, and under a butt. Yeah, great. a butt. And then we've got coffee table and I've underlined coffee and then it's got a round table, it's got a lawn coffee table in there, it's an SNL thing and the guy hunts you down.

I haven't written down the bit, it, but you know, we'll remember obviously the rights itself. Then we've got SNL It's analyst's shit idea It's similar. I did the last one But it's me pitching my idea about the roundtable that the coffee table Where I was saying finding a way of saying I didn't like your idea, I guess. And then we got battle botchy. That's where the body is one of the, is like one of the balls, your body,

and you can hit the other, you can hit the body with your metal balls. I think that might be what botchy needs. It's like when they came up with AFL X, you know, they trying to get in the crowd. Butchy I think is probably struggling to attract younger viewers who want something that's a bit more dynamic. I think Battle Botchy could be the thing. Absolutely. Then we got lingerie chopping board. G-string egg slicer. g-string egg slicer. And you know these are foods that these are items of clothing that you can cook with and that then you put on for the later part of the date, you know, so that it narratively your night all ties together and and obviously you know basically sex is locked in from the beginning and then we got a kitchen is there Andy?

Yeah I'm still here I'm just thinking about how I'm gonna get this coffee table a coffee cup of legs into the into the my client is in a show. Kitchen implements for the crotch and this is the, you know, sort of another idea. It's in a similar way, but how you could cook if you could just get things attached to you. It's just for crotch cooking, you know, but not cooking your crotch. Rice bar, not only rice, bed made entirely out of crumbs. You know, that's a, it's, you know,

it's an idea. That's an idea. You can't get noticeably worse. Sand in the salt, salt shaker, that's a, it's a ruin somebody's thing, but then also maybe a sand sniper, which kind of is attached to the idea, potentially, of a make life worse forever hitman. You know what I'm saying? I think that's fun. And I think, but I think that's also good for the hitman because... That's an ongoing position. That's a full-time job.

It's right. You're getting it. Maybe you finally convinced your employee to get you out on a retainer rather than sort of these sporadic jobs, this casual casual kind of contract here and there Which I think is a better system and a good direction for Hitman to go to any spot be less chance of long periods of time in jail But you you are taking more risks though. And you do have to get you can't get as much equipment just off the shelf you got to

get special you know sand shooting guns sniper rifles that you probably couldn't just get from an arms dealer like you would get your regular sniper rifle if you're just doing I guess it doesn't mean you have to stop doing regular killings. Alright, I'll stay here. I think we've discussed the complicated realities of that job. And done justice this too. Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Oh, everybody, everybody, absolutely everybody. Thank you.

Thank you for listening. You can find us on Twitter to entangue. Also on Instagram it to entangue. You know what's on sale? My client is innocent at the coming festival at the end of March through April. We will be through this Omicron wave. We will all have caught Omicron two three times and it will become so normal, so normal that. We'll all be coughing and So normal that we'll all be coughing and Wretching our way through the show everyone will have it Yeah, you'll be weird if you don't have it

Yeah, exactly so don't feel left out come to show Come and see that coffee cup gag. Thanks to everybody who said kind words about the most recent episode 317 had a few people get in touch to say that it was a good episode. And we, you know what? The secret was we recorded early in the day when we weren't tired. And you know what, we haven't done that this time. We haven't done that this time, but still we've had fun. And we thank you very much for all your listening.

Thank you for everybody who supports us on Patreon. It's impossibly great. We appreciate it. And you know what, I hope all your lives are getting better every day. Unimaginably. Imagine if you were born, if you're listening to this and you were born and maybe like early, you know, March or April 2020, your life probably is getting better all the time Because more lifeline you know and more lifeline and also you can you can now probably start saying words and You know you get you're in a podcast Exactly anyway take care everybody and we love love You you everybody. And we love you. You. Bye.

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