Two In The Think Tank - 319 - "ELBOWL"

Episode Date: January 20, 2022

This is a bit of a different one today! Let us know your thoughts about this exciting new format.Nose Sauce, Elbowl, Best Bit of the Food??, Rat superfood, Lectr, Al Capone AlCaholYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastJoin the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereReciprocating brushless thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those. Moose? No. But moose head? Yes. Because that's alcohol, and we deliver that too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Lacking breath and lacking meth and lacking the guy down at the staff.

Staff is a friend of mine over there. How are you today? I think a lot of mine over there. How are you today? I think a lot of your improvised songs include the line, over there. And I consider that to be a whole line. That's an entire lyric. That would have been enough for a song for me. Well, you're a guy who loves the formatting of poetry. I don't mind using the enter button yes sometimes

i i i'm i'm only really interested in the formatting and uh yeah i could take or leave a lot of the words but a good tab good tab good uh line break a tab in a would you use a tab in a poem? Yeah. I don't know if they do actually use that in a poem. Unless they're tabbing until they hit a line break. Yeah, I'm bringing in the tab. No, Alistair, you obviously haven't read a lot of fucking poetry because they love that shit. They'll put

some stuff like halfway across the page or whatever. It's dumb. It's dumb. It's dumb that they do that. But it's art. Andy, don't shit on an art form just because its peak has already come. Oh, no. Well, just as we finally start the pod, the baby is crying.

The baby is awake. Can you go to the baby? I've got something, Al. All right. All right, great. I'll see you've got something else all right all right great i'll see you soon yeah all right so this is my idea this is a great this is already good okay uh i was thinking about how alistair mentioned he it'll be like he's here because i'm going to be talking about something he said earlier it's it's like he's still here uh alistair

mentioned that he'd been for a run how it's amazing how doing exercise uh makes you feel good and i was wondering if there's an evolutionarily evolutionary reason for that which is whereby if you go for a run and the run finishes and you're still alive basically from an evolutionary perspective that's a great outcome because most of the times you would have been going for a run i imagine were if you were fleeing some sort of a beast. So if you go for a run and it ends with you still alive, that's terrific. And your body wants to encourage you to do that as much as possible, to end a run in a state of being alive. Now, and so probably

releases some kind of endorphins and says, hey, let's keep this up. As I'm saying this, I'm realizing this makes no sense. This makes no sense because surely the evolutionary advantage to ending a run and being alive is just being alive. But anyway, carry on. I was thinking, instead of releasing endorphins like that, what if your brain did something else? What if your body did something else, like secreted ice cream from like the crook of your elbow right so if you go for you you know you're you're an ancient cave individual you go you you go for a good run away from a pack of wolves it finishes there you are you're you're at peace you're back at you've made it back to the cave you've gone a big circle nice big lap

right the wolves gave up uh or you know they attacked one of the weaker members of your clan and there you are your body instead of pumping out endorphins it pumps out uh you know about uh half a pint of of vanilla ice cream from from one elbow and ice magic secreted from from the crook of the other elbow and there you are as glorious right you're just chowing down and you can get in there you can get right the elbow in many ways is the bowl of the body it's there it's a perfect licking licking distance and um yeah so you know and then what would that be like today yeah i think what you know what would it were what kind of a society would it have led to i think probably one in which we place scoops of ice cream in the crook of the elbow this is a good idea as well this is a good idea as well

that when you go to um oh this is such a great idea it's a little a little ice cream bowl that you can strap onto your elbow okay so that you can reach down and still eat the ice cream from your elbow while you're going about your business at the fair or the fate or whatever and you've still got your two hands free for juggling or um i guess they'd have to be held in a sort of an upright position in a sort of a in sort of a a cupping uh a a bull's testicles type position so you'd you'd still be able to do that um really you know uh so so juggling anduggling and cupping a ball's testicles are still very much on the table.

Unlike your ice cream, which isn't on the table, it's in the crook of your elbow. Now, thanks to the Elbowl. The Elbowl. The name, the name. This is a product. This is a thing. This is definitely happening.

Okay. And, you know, and where's the toppings coming from in this situation i guess out of your nose i mean this sounds disgusting now doesn't it this is an awful idea but the fact that we eat with our mouths and we have two nostrils that we know from science are capable of dispensing liquids the very idea that we haven't in some way tried to hack this part of the body so that the sinus is full of different sources and the nostrils dispense them directly flowing down the philtrum there. I think that's the gap in the upper lip, that little divot in the upper lip,

flowing down the philtrum into the mouth, and you become a self-sourcing individual, basically providing all your additional flavor needs directly into your own mouth. Andy, I won't be able to do the pod. The kid's just freaking out. Alistair, I'm doing great. Do you mind if I finish the podcast on my own?

Yeah, you just do the whole podcast. I've got to go back in with the kid. I'm sorry. This is a new frontier. Are you sure you're okay with this? Yeah, you go for it. I'll talk to you later. You do one in the think tank.

I'll stop my recording. Okay, great. It's going to be a quick one tonight. See you, mate. Yeah, stop. Alistair, are you still there? He's gone. He's gone.

I hope he saved that recording because if not, the very beginning of this podcast will make no sense. Oh, you know what? I was kind of relying on just the empty sound of his headphones there as a bit of a crutch. And the hope that he was going to come back at any moment was kind of leading me onwards. Like, Andy, it's okay.

You only have to finish this sentence. Al will be back soon and he'll pick up the colossal amounts of slack there are anyway here we go okay so what have we done we've invented the l bowl um for uh eating ice cream while you know this would be great for vets i imagine who do a lot of their work um sort of just with their hands up in that sort of bald testicle cupping position that they'll still be able to eat a bowl of ice cream like that. And then we've biohacked the nostrils into sauce dispensers pumping, I guess, one has sweet chilli sauce and one has sort of salted caramel fudge.

Now, yes, that's disgusting, but is it any more disgusting than what the nose already produces? Okay. Now we know that it's not as gross. That's one of the things about it, right? That's why it's considered gross. It's grossness. You see how that works. Okay. So surely if we changed it to produce a foodstuff in a hygienic manner and like food flowing down over your upper lip, that's not disgusting. Okay. So the only reason you think it's disgusting, you're reacting badly to this idea. And I can tell you right now that your problem is that you think, oh, well, it's inside the nose. But of course, this is all going

to be in like a sealed compartment, right? It's going to be basically in a sort of squirty nozzle type. There's this little sack that goes all the way back into the sinus cavity. There's a little nozzle that comes down to the nostril. It's no different to squirting it out of a bottle, okay? But you're just, I guess, pulling your head back in that sort of weird sort of way that you do just before you sneeze, and that's pressurizing that canister and releasing a, you know, a portion. So this product, say this product is invented, and they only have two flavors okay those whoever invented they've patented the technology and they're insisting that the world only have the two flavors sweet chili sauce and caramel uh caramel fudge sauce don't know what that adds to it but i

i think i do find the idea of having a technology that is almost borderline repulsive and no one in their right minds would want it and then going out of your way to insist that people only use it in a very limited way. I like that kind of a power play and I find it appealing and it might actually make me want it more. And people like... There's too much choice at the moment anyway.

And people like a corporation like apple that builds a closed ecosystem and they know that there's a certain amount of quality control to what they're getting and so it is with the two nostril nose source um uh business okay so that's uh that's uh it's basically two uh two sketch ideas which um nobody's nobody's writing down for me uh i've got to do all this i've got to do bloody everything myself these days i've got to do bloody everything myself i'll tell you what um nose sauce and uh elbow there we go elbow um yeah uh i don't know if i've told you this but when i was in in India, by the way, I'll tell you this as well, that as I was saying those words, as I was desperately reaching for something else to talk about,

my Apple Watch alerted me that I just hit all three exercise goals for the day. So if you're wondering whether or not doing the podcast on my own elevates my heart rate to a state of stress, the answer is yes, I can be sitting down podcasting and burning a significant amount of calories. And is that a sketch idea in any way? The idea that, you know, I know that I can, you know, getting up a sweat, okay? You can do that in a lot of different ways. You can get up a sweat just confronting somebody about something that's been on your mind. And this is going to be my exercise regime that I'm going to be offering.

It's going to be like the CrossFit. It's going to be like the F45 offering it's going to be like the crossfit uh it's going to be like the f45 it's going to be called the getting crossfit and basically it's you um trying to as a beta male uh or a beta female uh trying to challenge people uh in your life about things that you've been stewing on for a while, right? It's going to be about conflict and not being comfortable in the conflict. We don't want you to be comfortable in the conflict because the less comfortable you are, the more you're sweating, okay? And the weight is just melting away, you know? Or I'm sure there are other things, uh, and this is great because you don't have to, uh, you can get a lot of incidental exercise this way just by, um, sort of, uh,

trying to tell off somebody in a supermarket for not wearing a mask properly, for not masking up, you know, these little things. okay, elevate the heart rate, really get it pounding, I'm not sure whether it's the healthiest thing, but you'll be sweating, you'll be losing weight, and really isn't that what it's all about, and the important thing is you can eat anything you want, in fact, we encourage it. And in fact, we encourage you to take food out of the hands of strangers and off the plate of strangers. Because a lot of the time when a diet says you can eat anything you want, they don't really mean that, do they? They are just saying you can eat anything you want. They don't really mean that, do they? They are just saying you can eat food that you own, that is cooked and sanitary.

It doesn't really sound like I can eat anything I want, does it? It's quite a limited subset of things, really, when you put it like that. I want a diet where I can eat anything I want. And that could be, what am I going to say here? I guess rats, if I want. Somebody else's rat. See? God, that's going to, your heart rate, it's going to be significantly

elevated. And I'm probably willing to bet that most rats are probably pretty low in fat. So imagine if we found out that a rat was a superfood. Oh, this is another sketch idea. I feel another sketch idea coming on. Okay, it's rats as a new superfood. In fact, you'd probably, you know, imagine it's like a goji berry or something, but it's a rat. And you could probably get them in all sorts of different ways. Get them sort of dried out, you know,

and you sort of flake them over your breakfast or whatever. And, you know, you just need to build a little story around it that I was hiking in the... Now, this is... The key to a good superfood story is you've got to be you've got to find a new mountain range to be hiking in when you came across the locals eating ex food okay but all this is the problem all the good mountain ranges have been taken. The Andes has given us quinoa. The Himalayas has given us the goji berry. Where else is there?

The Ural Mountains? I was hiking in the Urals when I came across an isolated village and I noticed that everyone in the village was very skinny and they had great glowing glowing skin they were skinny and they were glowing and it could have been the fallout from the disused um soviet era nuclear silo or it could have been the food that they were eating. Rats. And then we just market it, you know, and you just need a logo that's sort of a glowing rat

with little rays coming off it and that sort of thing. And maybe you could be smiling and giving a thumbs up. I'm not suggesting you have to eat it with the little rays coming off it and that sort of thing. And maybe it could be smiling and giving the thumbs up. I'm not suggesting you have to eat it with the hair on, although that probably, you might find that a lot of the nutrition, as with everything, a lot of the best nutrition is in the hair. It's the same with potatoes. No, the best nutrition is in the hair. No, the best nutrition is in the skin,

Potatoes, you know, the best nutrition is in the hair. No, the best nutrition is in the skin, which makes me wonder why. Why don't we just why? Why aren't people just selling potato skin? They probably are probably probably already a food and he probably already a very popular common thing. The potato skin food. potato skin food. Let's see, what are some other parts of things that we would normally discard when there's no one else on the podcast? My thought processes, my shallow little pool of mental tricks to try and turn nothing into something. I laid bare because I can't sit back and do the thinking internally while Alistair's saying something.

You know, that's the alternative title of this podcast. Here's what I was thinking about while you were talking. This is, well, here's what I was talking about while I was thinking. Sort of. But I think nobody's listening to this. Nobody is listening to this at this point. But what are some other parts of foods that we would normally discard that you're going to love this? You're going to love this riff, guys, that might turn out to be the healthiest part of the food. For example, the best bit of the food, the skin. The best bit of the bread, it's apparently the crust. Don't know if that's true.

You know, the best bit of the avocado, it's the palm. No, the best bit of the banana, it's the palm. You know, the best bit of the Swiss crinkle cut chips, it's the palm you know the best bit of the uh of the uh swiss crinkle cut chips it's the packet okay you know the best bit of the wait the fruit tingle the that little um sort of sherbetty round lolly is actually um the the manufacturing uh hydraulic press that they use to compress the um the the fillers and the sugars and the flavors into a hard little pastille type lolly. That's the most nutritious part. And if you don't eat that, then you're missing out on a lot of the goodness of it.

Was that worth it? Who knows? I guess you do. I'm going to write it down. Was there anything else that I'd said while I was talking was there anything else I said while I was talking let's go compress, best bit of the

of the food and the rat superfood. Is another good one. You know, there's one thing that you can eat if you guaranteed want to lose weight. And that is your own leg. See, and you might think, hang on, if I'm eating my own leg, I'm not going to be losing weight, am I? If anything, that's going to be neutral, body weight neutral.

But that's the thing. You will shit that leg out. You'll shit out most of that leg. Okay? And the weight and then wait just um it just it just just goes doesn't it just falls off you um so yeah while i was in india uh i was in india for 24 hours in a stopover um we got it in the middle of the night. I say we, it was just me by myself arriving in India in the middle of the night on a plane. And then I had a hotel

in Mumbai that I had to get to in the darkness. And I found a taxi driver and then he led me a long way through a car park to another taxi driver who led me to another taxi driver, and then he led me a long way through a car park to another taxi driver who led me to another taxi driver, and I got in his taxi, and this already felt very dangerous. But, you know, that's maybe the real taxi driver is the person who gets you to the taxi. So what I'm suggesting here is, you know, getting to a taxi is all very well. Getting a taxi is all very well.

But then, of course, I've got to get to the taxi, don't I? So what I really want is, oh, this is a great idea. I want this is going to be a new service a new kind of uber service which basically uh it's not quite a rickshaw but what it is is it's people in the city and what they will do is they will strap you to a hannibal lecter style upright trolley and they will wheel you around and they put the mask on and everything the handle little hannibal lecter mask and everything and they will wheel you um to your destination sort of strapped in there like hannibal lecter and uh what's great about this is your arms are strapped by your sides that sort of thing um Your mouth, I guess, is closed.

You probably can't... I can't remember if you could talk behind that mask. Certainly couldn't bite people. And what the benefit of that is, is... You can come in, Carly. OK. I'm just desperate for human contact. What the benefit of that is, is that you can't look at your phone.

So, you know, there used to be these times in our day where we would be without human contact, without contact, or, you know, you would have moments for quiet personal reflection. And, you know, those would be times like sitting on the toilet. There would be times like hanging out for washing on the clotheslines, things like that, right, where you get your incidental solitude and that has been eroded by the tsunami that is social media battering at the edges of that island,

those small atolls of solitude. And so the only way that we will regain that sort of thing is not through any kind of internal thing like self-control, but through the external means of strapping our hands by our sides regain that sort of thing. It's not through any kind of internal thing like self-control, but through the external means of strapping our hands by our sides and confining our face inside a Hannibal Lecter-style mask and being wheeled around the CBD. And I love that visually. I like being able to look out the window and seeing busy people on their way to work trundling down the footpaths. I think it's probably environmentally friendly as well. And what would we call it? Well,

the service, of course, would be called Lector. So you would hire a lector. L-E-C-T-R, L-E-C-T-E-R, could even be the full lector. It really does sound like an app. And, yeah. Oh, you know, the masks. The masks could be FFP2 masks or N95 masks, as you may know them. And, you know, then it's also, it's a great um from a you know covid perspective probably not so great for the people pushing them up the trolleys but they could they could have masks on as well but then you do sort of want them to be dressed up pretty uh accurately to the was it the police officers in the movie who were wheeling him around anyway uh so i'm writing that

down that's another great idea these are the best bits of the podcast as far as i'm concerned uh hannibal lector mask um uh trolley uber great and now um i don't know i know this is going to be a short one today, but I don't know if you know this, but we have listeners and some of them support us on Patreon. And one of the things that the people who support us on Patreon can do is they can pay $3 a month and that lets them submit three words from a listener. And let's see. And I've got some, I haven't looked at the words yet.

I'm just opening up Patreon now. I don't know if you could tell because it was flowing so smoothly, my speech, but I was actually trying to log into Patreon as I was talking then. Normally, Al would get me to guess the words. But now, because I haven't even looked at the messages that have come in from the listeners, I can just try and guess the words and we'll see how I go. We'll see how I go. So I guess the words are residual, bank, and residual again.

Residual, bank, residual. I'm feeling very optimistic. So let's see what we've got here. so we've got some words from Thomas Ambrose and the words are Mussolini nostalgic mafia

so I feel like I was close because there are a lot of S's in that, in those three words, which were close to what I was suggesting. Mussolini nostalgic mafia. This doesn't immediately scream comedy to me. I was thinking about Mussolini just today, though, because I was trying to remember something about him, and I think he was...

That initially, like, Adolf Hitler sort of thought, or even maybe was inspired by Mussolini and thought he was great, and then he turned out to be pretty bad at doing the war, from their perspective, obviously, and maybe, you know, Hitler was very disillusioned by that. I don't know what I'm saying. Anyway, the Mussolini nostalgic mafia. I think any kind of nostalgic mafia is interesting.

One of my favourite sketches, of course, is the Mr Show sketch, the mafia sketch in which Bob Odenkirk plays a Mafia boss who insists that 24 is the highest number and shoots anybody who disagrees with him. But what about, you know, a Mafia that was sort of a bit like the Amish mafia, right? Where a mafia in which they insisted on doing things like they were in an earlier period. You know, maybe they thought that the 20s were the best time. So there's the nostalgic mafia.

They're just one of the mafia groups. And they don't use mobile phones, I guess. They probably only use Tommy guns. And they only do smuggle do, they smuggle alcohol. They smuggle alcohol. Now, alcohol is no longer illegal. So, I mean, maybe this is too close to some of the other ideas that I've already come up with today.

But what it is, is it's basically, it's an alcohol delivery service. Like Jimmy Brings. This is a lot like my Hannibal Lecter idea, but anyway, I've got a very limited palette, as you've seen. But now it's an alcohol delivery service, but they do it as if they are illegally running alcohol in the 1920s. So they basically scream around the corner in some little rickety van. Somebody's leaning out of the window with a tommy gun, firing blanks, obviously, right?

And then they screech, you know, they pull up out the front of your house and then, I mean, maybe this is all a bit obvious. You know, I guess they do it a different way each time. Sometimes it's a big shootout, right? And sometimes they smuggle it in inside a hollowed-out statue of the Venus de Milo, right? And that's the great thing. You pay a little bit extra, but, God, it's an experience.

And then you can pay a little bit extra still, and some people dressed as the FBI will bust in after you've finished drinking everything, and basically they'll take away all the empty bottles that's saying things like, oh no, this is evidence. Oh yeah, we need this because of evidence. Like the FBI does, they love evidence. And, yeah, it's a complete little package. It's like being able to dispose of your coffee pods, mail them back to the company. Well, here they come, they take it, pretend to be the FBI.

You get to be like, oh, no, we've never done nothing, that kind of stuff, and play along a little bit. But basically, it's a full life cycle. It's very environmentally friendly. The Tommy guns are electric. And, yeah, I think it'll be big. It's called Capone's Alcohol Delivery. There's probably something better than that.

But you know what? I mean, that brings us to six sketch ideas, including the one at the end. So really, we do come up with six sketch ideas, but it's our little lie. A little lie that helps you accept the big lie. That's how you do it in politics. You just feed them a little lie little lie that helps you accept the big lie that's how you do it in politics you just feed them a little lie at start and then you feed them the big lie at the

end which is that um that this is music so i'll just take you through the ideas um from today this is a really this is a good one this is a new low for us i think uh so up here nose source that source that uh comes out of your nostrils and then of course the elbow which is a bowl that you strap to your elbow and it's just for it's just for vets who want to be able to eat some pasta or or uh ice cream while they're working um um now i've written here best but if the, best but if the food. Best but if the food. I have no idea what I was trying to write there.

That's been auto-corrected. Rat superfood is another good one. The Hannibal Lecter mask trolley Uber. And then that last idea that I had, which was the Al Capone style alcohol delivery. I wonder if the Al in Al Capone, Alca, his name has already got alcohol, like alcohol, Al Capone alcohol. It's very suspicious.

Wow, what a way to end. And here we go. A do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Everybody got to be the do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Person that they want to be. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. That can be do you and me. And do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. The one you want to see. Thank you so much for listening to one in the think tank,

one and a half, one and a half in the think tank. It's been a real pleasure sharing this time with you. I'm doing this at my parents' place because we do it at a different place every time. This is my parents' place in Ballarat. Last time it was my parents' place in Tasmania. It's totally different, totally different. But I'm sitting looking into a mirror and actually seeing myself,

which might make this feel less isolating, but also I've been able to stare into the sheer desperation in my eyes this entire time and it's very disconcerting. Anyway, thank you for listening to Two in the Think Tank. We eyes this entire time and it's very disconcerting anyway uh thank you for listening to two in the think tank we really do like that you did that thing to it you can follow me on twitter at stupid old andy uh we are at two in tank alistair is at alistair tb you can support us on patreon the link is in the show notes um you can listen to the pop

test a new episode of the pop test coming up in a couple of weeks. So perfect time to go back and listen to the back catalogue just to prepare your mind's fertile soil for the rains yet to come. And I love you. Good night. It's hockey season and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a nice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice?

Yes, we deliver those. Goal tenders, no. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and chicken tenders. Yes, because those are groceries and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly.

Product availability varies by region. See app for details.