Two In The Think Tank - 32 - "SPONGE BOOM SQUARE PANTS"

Episode Date: January 31, 2014

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Bum, ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum, ba- Tank, this is the show where we try to come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy, this is Alistair. You're listening to Two in the Think Tank, this is the show where we try and come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy, this is Alistair. You're listening to Two in the Think Tank, this is the show where we try and come up with five sketch ideas. You're listening to Alistair. No. Sorry, Alistair, you became unintelligible.

And that is the point. That is the point where what? That is the point at which you lose unintelligible. And that is the point. That is the point where what? That is the point at which you lose the competition. It's sort of like life, isn't it, Andy? It's sort of like life. You know, once you become unintelligible, you're out. You're sort of out of the running for any kind of... And you have to sit down.

Yeah, you have to sit down on the sidelines, usually in a sort of a place where they take care of people. All competition should be like games in class when you're at school. And if you're out, you have to sit down. Yeah. You know, if you're playing soccer and you get a red card, you have to sit down. Yeah, that's right. Which is sort of what they do have to do, but they should just have to sit down where

they get the red card. And if you are, let's see, in politics. Yes. And you get voted out. Yeah. You have to sit down where they get the red card. And if you are, let's see, in politics, and you get voted out, you have to sit down. Yeah, you have to go. And that's probably what they do. That's probably all they do is they go to their house and then they sit down and they've got nothing else to do. And everybody who has a job should have to be standing

because that's better for your health, right? Standing anyway is better for your health. Sitting down, one of the leading causes of death. Death, maybe. If not discomfort or mild injury. Pulmonary heart things. Cystitis. Cystitis.

Mastitis. Pulmonary mastitis. Oh, my heart's teat is hardening. Oh, there's a toughening of the heart's teat is hardening. There's a toughening of the heart's teat. A man is hard. I mean, his teats are just all crusty. Crusty, crusty teat. But yes, and then if you're unemployed, you lose your job, you have to sit down.

Okay? And then we wouldn't talk about the unemployment rate in this country. We would just talk about the number of people who are sitting down. But then, yeah, you would have to stop people in offices from sitting. Yes. Because it seems like they're out. It's dangerous. I mean, they're kind of out, aren't they? In a way. They're kind of out of the game. Yeah. The game of looking for a job.

Yeah. And enjoying yourself. Oh, that's definitely true. Yeah. There's no question. If you have a job, you might think you're having a good time, but you're not. You're just pretending

so that you don't cry. Because the economy would not work if everyone who had a job was crying all the time. No. Which is all they want to do. Yeah. Obviously.

Obviously, we would love it if everyone could just be in business meetings just crying. Because, Jesus Christ, I'd rather be anywhere else. But, it's not'd rather be anywhere else but it's not going to work no it's not going to work it's going to all your papers are going to become stained the pens of course the ink will run you'll have to reprint everything reprint everything the the only industry that'll really take off in that

circumstance will be the logging industry or the sponge industry yeah the sponge industry which will be uh are we going to put sponges over the paper no we're going to just have sponges to mop up the tears oh it's going to be one of those things it's going to be like the dot-com bubble that people are going to buy sponges thinking this is the solution and they're going to realize we got sponges all over the office and then they're they're really only keeping the moisture in the office and and then the sponge industry only keeping the moisture in the office. And then the sponge industry will collapse because they will put all this extra staff on because of the huge sponge demand. And then as the sponge bubble bursts, the sponge industry, their overheads will be through the roof and then will collapse.

They won't be able to pay their staff. The whole society, logistical systems will fall. Guys, it's going to be the end, all because Andy suggested sponges in the workplace because people are crying. I'd like to apologize for the sponge bubble to come, everybody. It's a pity that everybody switched off the podcast and when I said sponges will be big,

started buying up sponges and didn't listen to the bit where you come in and cautioned them. You advised caution. I don't think there's any way of stopping what you've just begun. I think only a stimulus package could possibly help that. Maybe something to catch the tears instead. Maybe if you guys all just put your hands under your chins as the tears run down your face.

I think it's unrealistic for Australia to maintain a sponge industry. We're just not a big enough country to support a sponge industry. I'm sorry. Well, now that we're destroying the Great Barrier Reef, we may as well harvest all its sponges while we're there. Sponge mining, our natural resources of sponges. Yeah. Can you believe it?

They used to be big. They used to be big. Australia used to be big. It used to be a big player on the world stage economically. But then they sold off all their sponges. Sponges. And now...

And now they've got nothing. Now they're just a big bunch of sponges. All they've got is coal, iron ore, and international students keeping them afloat. Sponge is definitely a word

that should be spelt with a U instead of an O. Oh, it would be nice.loat. Sponge is definitely a word that should be spelt with a U instead of an O. Oh, it would be nice. So clearly. Sponge. And it would look more satisfying

on the page. S-P-U-N-G. Sponge. Oh, that would be a great rapper name. Yo, my name is Sponge. I open up the doors and I slip over

because water's on there but then I absorb it all and I walk away, dripping slightly. I'm the Jamaican Sponge. Okay. Yeah. Ridiculous. No, well, hang on, Alistair. You're right. No. It was perfectly

legitimate. Yeah, you think so? Perfectly legitimate. Do you... If you could be... Yes. If you could pick one... Okay. The tulips, right?

Tulips. The tulips had a tulip boom. Really? Did you know about this? No. Do you really not? Or are you just saying no so that we have something to talk about? I'm sorry that the tulip boom seems like such an obvious thing that someone would know.

I feel like everybody knows about the tulip boom. I know nothing about the tulip boom. Okay, well. The only thing I know about Holland is the color orange. I think they're really into it, and that's it. Other than that, I think they're into walls as well, ocean walls. Ocean walls. Orange ocean walls, probably.

Yes. It was the first bubble. It was the first big commodity bubble, right, was tulips from Holland, okay? Holland was where they were growing all the tulips. People liked tulips, okay? There was a huge boom. You could get incredible prices for tulips. I think I remember in the tulips. People liked tulips. Yeah. Okay, there was a huge boom. You could get incredible prices for tulips. I think I remember in the 90s,

I think I remember in the 90s people really being into tulips. This wasn't in the 90s, Alistair. When was this? This is like in the 1800s sometime. Okay. Okay? I don't know what you're remembering.

In the 90s. Some echo of the boom. Yeah. Okay? A boom echo I bet you 1890s I bet you if you look

at the graph of like you know the Google graphs where like the popularity of words I bet you the real collapse of the popularity

of tulips was in the 90s yeah yes but if you were to look at that there would be a real boom in the use of the word boom during the boom and then there would be a real boom in the use of the word boom during the boom.

And then there would be a real collapse in the use of the word boom during the collapse. There would have been a spike again. There was a real boom boom. And then there was a real boom collapse. Yeah. But yeah, so 1800 sometime. Everyone in Holland, oh my God, everyone's buying tulips. We've got to plant tulips. Everyone in Holland

starts planting tulips. They stop planting crops. Then someone is like, hey, guys, these are just flowers. We can plant them here in England or Spain or wherever we want. And then, there's a tulip collapse. Everyone in Holland doesn't have any crops. They've

just got fucking tulips. They're looking at these fields of beautiful tulips. It's sad. They start eating tulip bulbs. People were eating tulip bulbs to stay alive. That's grim. It's like the opposite of the potato famine. The opposite? Yeah, it's the opposite.

The tulip abundance. It's the tulip glut. The great tulip glut of 1880 in Holland. Tulip glut. The great tulip glut of 1880 in Holland. Tulip glut. What are we having for dinner? Tulips again. Really?

So are tulip bulbs edible? I mean, a bit. They're a bit edible. They're a bit edible. They're semi-edible. It's one of those things that you just figure out how you can prepare them so that they're kind of edible. Anyway, what's the funniest thing to have a boom of where when there's a crash, people have to start eating it to stay alive? I mean, tulips is already pretty funny.

Already pretty funny. We could just do a sketch about that. No, I think we should pick something else. And I think it's funny if it's like something that's not particularly edible, like sponges. Okay? So there's a big boom. Could it be sponges? Oh, no, Alistair, don't say that.

That's stupid. Why? No, that's a great idea. Imagine somebody with a knife and fork trying to cut into a sponge. Yeah. So there needs to have been a boom, and then there needs to have been a bust. Yeah. Okay?

So how do you make sponges? Do you know how you make a sponge? Do you just sort of take a plasticky foam and then just set it? See, this is not like... This is your real skyhook solution for where the sponges come from, okay? A plasticky foam is no less complicated than a sponge. You can't explain the existence of sponges by declaring the existence of plasticky foam.

Because you've got to ask, where did you get the plasticky foam from? No, I'm talking about, okay, look, you get a liquid plastic. It's like saying, where did the universe come from? God. God is just as difficult to explain as the universe. Andy, sorry, I just thought you would get it from when I said plasticky foam. But what I mean is, you take a plastic,

some kind of liquidy plastic. A liquidy plastic, okay. So basically, you take plastic, you heat it up until it's in its liquid form, right? Possibly, you bring it to the boil. Or you whisk it up with some kind of plastic whisk. You whisk it up, right? As it's in its liquid form. Possibly, you bring it to the boil. Or, you whisk it up with some kind of plastic whisk. You whisk it up. As it's all foamy, and I can't imagine that plastic bubbles just burst that quickly. No, it's probably a lot like making a meringue.

Then, while it's in its foamy thing, you shoot it into a mould. Right? Yep. Okay? And then you cool it. Or you mould it into a chute. No, no, no, Andy. You wouldn't do that. No, no. Because you don't want a chute that has holes in it and bubbles and things like that. Things will catch as they fall

down through the chute. Possibly sheets or dirty laundry. Things like that. They'll hook on. You'll get a blockage. Alright? You don't want that. What you want is you want... Shoot it into a mold. You shoot it into a mould, right? And then you cool it.

You cool the mould, yeah? And then you got a sponge, right? You got yourself a sponge. And then if you have any fucking sense at all, you glue a scourer to that shit. Because a sponge on its own, we should all accept, is fucking useless. Oh, pretty.

You want a scourer on the other side. Yeah, unless, you know, what about for mopping floors? Floors, you never have a scourer on there, do you? Just want a scourer on the other side. Yeah, unless, you know, what about for mopping floors? Floors, you never have a scourer on there, do you? Just put the scourer there, all right? Trust me, at some point

there's going to be a bit of stuff that's stuck to the floor. You're going to want to flip that sponge over and have a bit of scrubbing power because a sponge,

we've moved past the age of mere absorbency, okay? This is the era of the iPhone. Everything's got to have more than one function. Oh, yeah. Okay? It's like having a watch. That's why I have a scourer on the back of mere absorbancy. Okay? This is the era of the iPhone. Everything's got to have more than one function. Oh, yeah.

Okay? It's like having a watch. That's why I have a scour on the back of my iPhone. Yeah, I have a watch on my sponge. I have a... I keep a close watch

on this sponge of mine. Yeah. I keep one eye opened all the time because you're mine, sponge. Okay. I walk the line, sponge. It's a sponge boom.

It's a sponge bust. Everybody's eating sponge the line, sponge. It's a sponge boom. It's a sponge bust. Everybody's eating sponge. Write it down. It's a great idea. Write it down, Alistair. But Andy, why do we have a sponge boom? Sponge boom. Okay.

Well, SpongeBob. Square Pants. Yeah. Kids, everybody. Okay. No, look. What happens is, okay, people realise how useful sponges are.

No, aesthetic... Okay, there has to be something more than just their mere use, right? For there to be a boom, there has to be hype, okay? There has to be... It's got to be kind of new and exciting. Or there's a renewed interest,

like Tarantino features sponges in his new movie. Yes. Because he revives people's careers. Well, why couldn't he also revive industries, whole industries? It's like the John Travolta effect.

Yeah. Quentin Tarantino puts sponges in his latest film. Yeah. This is a funny idea in itself, right? Or like Pez dispensers in Seinfeld, right? The Pez. Oh yeah.

They would have re... I think there was a big Pez boom. I know I was back into Pez. Yeah. And my friend, he was giving me Pez. It big Pez boom. I know I was back into Pez. Yeah. There you go. And my friend, he was giving me Pez. It was Pez everywhere. Pez everywhere. Yeah.

So, yeah, I think you're right. I think Quentin Tarantino just puts... I don't think it can be sponges. No, but look, Andy, it can be. Because look, okay. I don't think sponges are on the way out. Recently, Tarantino's new film script was leaked, right? Yes, and somebody used a sponge to mop it up. No, for eight.

No, that's good, though. For eight hateful men or something like that. Really? Yeah, or the hateful eight. Yeah. The hateful eight, he gave it to six. Actually, this is really funny. People have read it and they've noticed that there's a big,

there's a common occurrence of sponges in the thing. A lot of people in the industry are speculating that this will create a renewed interest in sponges. They're buying up big on sponges, increasing the price of sponges. People are turning over their factories to sponge manufacture. And then, turns out... But then the, the sponge movie leaks. Yes.

Right? Okay, and it leaks to some people and then he goes, well fuck it, I'm not going to make it, I'm just angry that I sent this script

to six actors, right? So there's the bust. Yeah, so there's the bust, right? Everybody, it's spread too quickly.

The sponge people are too responsive. Factory, our factories have become too responsive. They put all their money into sponges. It collapses. Either that or he actually ends up making a movie that has sponges in it.

And the people end up, like the sponge people again, make sponges. They think it's going to take off because people are talking about sponges online, on Twitter. Turns out that's not as good. Sponges are trending. Yeah, sponges are trending. Turns out that's not as good of a predictor as they thought. Yeah. Right?

Whole sponge industry collapses. Australia covered in sponges. Yeah. People, all they're left is to eat sponges or anything from the supermarket. Yeah. The supermarkets are full of sponges Oh that's right yeah The fresh produce

Which is now all artisan sponges Artisan sponges Locally made Great Yeah I like this And I like that the movie actually gets made Because that way we get to show little clips of the film Yeah

And do a bit of Tarantino dialogue And just have the sponges in the film Yeah Just a sponge Oh maybe they get Otto Otto from The Simpsons. They get a real-life version of him in there, right? And he goes, a sponge! And then he punches a wall like that.

Because that was maybe what started the idea, was that the way that people didn't like being called sponges. Yeah. Do you remember that? No. When Otto's living at the Simpsons place. Who's Otto? He's the bus driver.

Oh, yeah. Oh, right. Oh, yeah, sorry. Yeah. And he lives with them for a while, and then at one point Homer calls him a sponge. Sponge! Like that.

Does he punch the wall? Yeah, he punches a wall. Oh. And then he goes and gets his driver's license from Patty and Selma. But, oh, that's right. And then he doesn't actually pass his test the technical way, but because it's based off a joint hatred of Homer, she completely gets distracted and she doesn't give a shit.

She's just giving him a passing score anyway. Great. Yeah. That was a good summary. That was a nice place for that to end, with a summary of a Simpsons episode. Yeah. Did you write down the Tarantino?

The word Tarantino? Yeah, Tarantino. And the Tarantino film would be called Dry Reservoir Dogs. The reservoir is dry because of the sponge. No, it would be called Inglorious Sponge. Do you think he would just give it a name

similar to one of his other movies? Yeah, because he's big on references to other films. Yeah, that's true. That's the thing that he does. You know, Django was a reference to Django Unchained. Or Django Unchained was a reference

to Django or whatever the film was called. Yeah, and The Hateful Eight would have been a reference to The Magnificent Seven. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, I imagine. Yeah, no, no, I reckon you're absolutely right. Yeah. I mean, that would have been great. Yeah?

Yeah. I think it was going to be really great. He's just upset now. He's going to release it as a book. Oh, is he actually not going to make it? Yeah. He's not going to make the film? Yeah.

He's going to release it as a book or whatever now is he actually not going to make it? Yeah. He's not going to make the film? Yeah, he's going to release it as a book or whatever now instead. That's crazy. Yeah. Man, that guy. Yeah, he's just like, ah. He's just upset that, like, because he only sent it to six actors. He sent it to six actors and then... Does he know which one leaked it? One of their people

leaked it. One of their people? Yeah, like, I think... People. Yeah. Oh, well, that's the Yeah, like I think... Wow. People. Yeah. Oh, well, that's the problem is that you have people. These are my people? Is that there's just no easy way

of just contacting people directly when you're an actor in Hollywood, I guess. Unless you're Bill Murray who has his own 1-800 line and that's how you contact him. What does 1-800 mean? Is that like a reverse charge kind of thing? It's a free thing.

It's just a free number. Okay. Yeah. So does that mean anyone can call Bill Murray for free? Yeah, thing? It's a free thing. It's just a free number. Okay. Yeah. So does that mean anyone can call Bill Murray for free? Yeah, and leave a message on his thing. Wow. If you know his message. If you know his number.

Yeah. That'd really ruin his system if the number just got... If somebody leaked it. Yeah. If they leaked his number. Yeah. Like a sponge holding too much water. I've got your number, mate.

So I can call you later on and tell you what a great job you're doing. Oh, thank you. Well, you could just tell me right now while we're face to face. No, no, no. That would be awkward. Yeah, well, of course. So I've got your number. Great.

Where does that come from? I've got your number. It sounds like he's like a British guy. You know how the British seem to value people that are ard? Ard? You know, he's hard to value people that are ard? Ard? You know, oh, he's hard. He's well ard. He's well ard.

Yeah. Yeah, and one of those guys who's just like, oh, I used to punch people, and I've written a book about it. You know, and they call him the Don or the Boss. Yeah, and then they really like him. Yeah. That's a weird thing.

Like, okay, okay, so could we have a sketch where someone becomes a celebrity from being an odd man? He's an odd man. He's odd. He's an odd man. Yeah. And he gets big. Yeah. Right?

And then what is he going to do with his fame? What is he going to launch a career as a chef, as a celebrity chef? Yeah, I was thinking that. As a dancer. He releases an album of songs. But he does everything, but he does it chef. Yeah, I was thinking that. As a dancer. He releases an album of songs. He does everything, but he does it hard. Yeah, well hard. Well hard.

Like, I don't know, just things like, you know. But everything is kind of too masculine. Like, anything that would suggest any kind of femininity, he kind of doesn't. He rejects. You know, like, let's say he does do dancing, but he's mostly just kind of standing around twirling a woman. Or he's just pointing at people and they start to dance.

He shoots guns at their feet and makes them dance. It's called dance, boy, dance. Dance, man. Hard dance. Or it's not that he's, he's this super masculine guy who's come from this criminal underworld,

but then he's in, he's got a show that is not super masculine. Okay, so it's like a lifestyle show. Sort of like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Yeah. And, but he just,

he mostly just stands around while his aides kind of just, like, give all the advice. Yeah. Or just people he's hired. Yeah.

He's hired goons. So he's kind of like Bruce Willis in the most recent Die Hard film, where he doesn't really need to be there. He's mostly just standing behind the guy who the script, the action movie was actually written for. Written for. And then he just occasionally throws in a line like, standing behind the guy who the script, the action movie was actually written for. Written for. And then he just occasionally throws in a line like, yeah, that's great.

Motherfucker. Yeah. Asshole. That's why I'm Bruce Willis. Yeah, no, I think there's something in that. You think so? Yeah, I don't know. Andy.

It's quite a sketch. Yeah, let's not do it. We're better than this, Andy. I feel like we're letting our standards drop sometimes. Yes. Yeah? Yes. Yes?

Yes. Of course. Sometimes? Yeah. Of course. Yeah. You can't keep your standards up all the time. Oh, you can.

Okay. Well, if you work really hard. Oh. Well, the thing is, that's difficult to do. It takes a lot of focus. I don't have that focus, Andy. I was just trying. That was me trying to correct the focus. Oh. You're like an optomet focus, Andy. I was just trying. That was me trying to correct the focus. Oh.

You're like an optometrist. Yeah. For concepts. Yeah. Can we do a sketch set in an optometrist? I have spent a lot of time in optometrists. Have you really? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I've got quite bad eyesight. Yeah. And, you know, used to go every year at least. Yeah. To the optometrist. Well, that's, I guess... And get a new pair of glasses.

Of course, yeah. Every year, a new pair of glasses? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Well, we had health insurance thing, which entitled us to some. If we got the cheapest ones, the health insurance and the Medicare would cover getting a new pair of glasses every year. So you'd be a fool not to.

Yeah, absolutely. To refresh the line. Yeah, of course. A fresh new look. The worst time I ever went to the optometrist, you're in quite a confined little room there with the optometrist. And as soon as I got in to the optometrist rooms, it became clear that the optometrist had just done a really, really bad fart.

Wow. And I was just sitting there with him getting me to focus on different letters and stuff and I smashed that one out. I was so quick. Yeah. It was like, does it look better like this? Or like this one, this one, that one's better.

The first one, second one, third one. Do you think your panic kind of came through? I think, at the end he said, wow, you were really good at this. You must have done this a lot. And I said, yes. Yes. Yes.

It wasn't your disgusting fart that made me want to speed up the process. Maybe his nose was blocked and he didn't realise. Maybe. Maybe he needed a pair of nose glasses. He couldn't focus on the smell. Or at least, you know, or only one of them was blocked, so he just had a nose monocle. No, monocle. He couldn't smell depth.

One of his nostrils... One of his nostrils, he was essentially nose-blind in one nostril. In one nostril. And it made it really difficult for him to tell how far away smells were coming from. Yeah, or what direction they were coming from. And so he didn't know that it was his stinky fart. Someone who's lost their... become blind in one nostril is funny in some way. Look, okay, I'll write that down.

I think that's a funny... Really? Okay. Blind in one nostril is funny in some way. Okay, I'll write that down. I think that's it. Really? Okay. Blind in one nostril. Blind in one nostril can't... Smell depth. Smell depth. Okay. Or direction.

Or direction. Yeah. Yeah. Because that's what the second ear is for. So it's kind of like, it's really like playing with... All those concepts. Yeah. Yeah. Because that's what the second ear is for. So it's kind of like, it's really like playing with... All those concepts. Yeah. Both vision and ears.

All of those concepts. And tongue taste. Tongue taste. I mean, if you have a forked tongue, does that help you taste? It actually might. Well, snakes, right? Yeah. They have a forked tongue, and they use their tongue to sort of smell the air. It actually might. Well, snakes, right? Yeah.

They have a forked tongue, and they use their tongue to sort of smell the air. And they waft it around and up and down and stuff when they're smelling the air, and they've got that fork. I reckon there's a very good chance that that somehow allows them to detect what direction... Yeah, just slightly stronger on one side than on the other. Yeah, I mean, that would be crazy, but it's not so crazy. Yeah, and also because our noses, they just come, like, they just meet up into, up the back anyway,

don't they? Uh... I don't know. Yeah, how far does a cartilage go? I feel like it just becomes one tube. One tube. It kind of feels pointless to have two nostrils. It would be easier if we just had the one hole. Apparently they cycle.

Apparently at any given moment, you're only ever breathing through one nostril and the other nostril, so they switch on and off. I wonder whether other people's noses are constantly as kind of blocked as mine. Yeah, my mum had a friend whose nose was blocked a lot.

She had really bad sinus things and she had lots of operations over... I don't want to go through that, really. No, I don't want you to go through that. My noses aren't really... I would not wish that on anybody. My nostrils aren't that blocked. Like, I'm getting some... There's some air passing through.

Yeah. But that's good, you know? Yeah, air. Just passing through. Just passing through. Just passing through. Excuse me. It would be terrible if air molecules had a personality

and were really polite and felt the need to greet you every time you walked past and say, just passing through, oh, hello. But of course, if there's something that just passed... Don't mind me, they would say, as they got out of the way of the plane wings as you flew through the air on your airplane. Every time you pass through.

Well, I think the idea that they're just passing through means that some of them might actually, oh, actually, terribly sorry, but we might have to spend the night here. Just going to stop off if that's okay. And that's how you get stale air in your nose. Mind if I settle down? Sorry about that.

Oh, I might just... Oh, you get stale air in your nose. Mind if I settle down? Sorry about that. Oh! I might just... Oh, you know, because like, does the sinus... I don't know what the sinuses actually look like, but I imagine it's kind of honeycomb-y web. I've got no idea. Yeah, like a membrane of some sort. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a sponge. A bit like a sponge,

right, that you have too much of. And so I imagine some of those honeycomb kind of containers, you know, like the hexagons or whatever they are, the fleshy, those could be like bed and breakfasts. The fleshy hexagons. The fleshy hexagons of the honeycomb web of the sinus. Are being renovated into a bed and breakfast for passing air molecules that are, you know,

that are tired from, you know, long journeys across... Is there some way we can make this a thing, right? Okay, so this is going to get a bit weird, but the Higgs boson particle, right, is the particle that gives molecules mass, right? Can we discover another particle that gives molecules a personality? And then we can watch air molecules

talking as they go past obstacles. Yeah, okay. So, and you would think it's the one that gives them mass that gives them also their

concept of right and wrong. Right and wrong? Justice. Because it's the church version of mass. Religious mass. Yeah. Okay. It's the pope particle. I don't know why they call it the god particle because it's a priest or the pope that gives them mass.

Anyway. So, okay, we'll call it the, it'll be the, obviously the Matthews-Trombley-Burchell particle. I know, you know, I didn't really have that much input in the discovery of it, other than, but you know. Well, see, this is the thing. Higgs didn't have that much input into the discovery of art. Was he just there? No, he just suggested that it might exist. Yeah, well, great. Well, in a way, that's you.

So, yeah, I'm the Higgs. You're Higgs at the moment. Yeah. And there's no boson yet until... Look, I'll be the theoretical physicist who will work it out through mathematics. I don't think there was a person called Boson. Oh.

There might have been, though. No? I don't think so was a person called Boson. Oh. There might have been, though. No? I don't think so. Oh, actually, I take that back. There was a guy called Bose. Yeah. The Bose-Einstein condensate. And I would say that Bosons are probably named after Bose.

Yeah. So there you go. Andy. You're the Bose. I'm the Bose. I want to be the Bose. I want to be the speaker system. I. I'm the Bose. I want to be the Bose. I want to be the speaker system. I want to be the Bose.

I want to be the Bose. I don't know what that was. Anyway. Particles with personality. Don't worry about it. No? No. But look, Andy.

What we're doing is we're filling this thing with ideas. Filling it with ideas. If you guys wanted ideas, you guys came to the right place. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Because this place is full of them. Yeah, absolutely. We're full of it.

We're totally full of it. And by it, I mean... Bullshit. The thing Andy already said. Yes. So, Alistair? Yep. Favourite time of year? Oh, well, probably, look, I think it's summer. Like, you know, people are like, I love autumn, I love spring, because, you know, the... Ah, the colours on the trees. There's beauties and things like that. I just like being mostly comfortable. Like, you know, the early part and the late part of the summer are kind of good before it gets to the shit part, which is spring and autumn and things like that. I mean, the colour of the leaves, that's got to be the worst reason to like a season. Yeah.

Ugh. Get out of here. Get out of here with the colour of the leaves. So you like orangey-brown, do you? Yeah. Well, I'm going to pick what weather I inhabit because of the colour orangey brown. Just paint a fucking feature wall. Just go to the

80s. Have it all. Yes, thank you. That was the autumn. Probably more the 70s, maybe? Yeah, maybe the 70s. Yeah, look. Late 70s, early 80s. That was the autumn of the 20th century. I mean, that's not so crazy.

Yeah, yeah. With its orangey-brown tones. Of course, the gray and things like that was sort of like a North American, sort of Canada level or Britain kind of winter. So at least half of it was pretty much kind of a dull winter. And then after winter, of course, comes autumn. Yes. No, no, no. Well, look, there was a part in between.

There was the 60s, which would have been the springy kind of summery. Let's call it spring. But then we skipped summer, went into autumn. And then the 80s was probably summer. 80s and 90s were summer. With the fresh Prince of Bel-Air

and sort of Adidas tracksuits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And happy pants and fluorescent stripes on the side of your parachute material trousers. That's a summer. That was a summer. That was the summer of our discontent. I think there's something...

I would like to have a sketch that focused on the preponderance... I'm going to use that word. I don't know if it's the right word, but the preponderance of orangey brown in the 70s. Okay, but what does that mean? Preponderance? Abundance.

Okay, yeah. That might not be what that means. Okay. But just the abundance of orangey brown. Yeah, okay. In the 70s, okay? And I like... It's just like a nice kind of visual thing

to picture people all dressed in orangey brown going down to a supermarket where all there sort of is is like really ripe peaches and... Carrots? Potato potatoes and carrots. Yeah. And everything's orangey brown. Yeah.

Well, what else could there be there? There could be sort of firewood. Mm-hmm. And fire. And oranges. So they're all sitting on sort of like an orange shag pile in front of a fire eating carrots in a sort of a log cabin. So, okay.

So, look, this is the sketch, right? So, you just enter a room, right? The wallpaper is orange and brown with a kind of like a beige-y stripe between it. I don't know if you've ever seen it. That's something I remember from somewhere. The brown couch, orange rug on the ground. They're sitting there eating carrots. There's a fire in front of them. And then somebody just goes...

So it's mostly establishing shot. Yeah. And then one person just goes, Ah, the 70s. And that's it. I think that's really good. Yeah? Yeah.

I like that a lot. All right, we've got it. This is a very different kind of sketch for us, Alistair. It's mostly a colour-based sketch. You know, it's a tone. It's someone wearing tall boots, furry boots. Yes. Was that from the 70s?

Brown. Brown. Big brown moccasins. Yeah. And a sort of a furry headband? Yes. What period is that? Probably more 60s, the furry headband.

But this... Like late 60s. Well, maybe we should forget the boots as well. I feel like the boots go with the headband. They do. You buy them together. They're a matching set. It'd make more sense if the furry rug was brown than it could be like a bear rug or something.

But maybe it's synthetic. I don't know. It's been achieved via a synthesis. It's been synthesized on a synthesizer. The thing I was thinking about before with the tulips, when you were talking about that, was it's sort of like maybe that's what's going to happen to China with the creation of... When 3D printers become really big.

Yeah. Because China is now the manufacturing place, and they've got all the manufacturing. Yeah. Right? They don't have all the manufacturing, but they've got a lot of the manufacturing. They've got a lot of the manufacturing. They've got a glut of manufacturing. Okay?

But once 3D printers get faster and more common, you know, you can get them in Officeworks now. Yeah. No, you can't. Yes, you can. Really? Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. I mean, but they're slow. It takes ages to make stuff. But once you can just download the plans you know like basically from let's say you're going you're downloading you're getting a sony uh you know flat you know like like sort of like carbonite screen uh thing laptop or whatever and all you do is you buy the plans from online, you're going to be able to pirate products

because someone's just going to leak the plans onto people and be like, oh, well, if you do that, blah, blah, blah. Anyway. Do you think that that will really happen? You'll be able to print out a whole laptop? Yeah, I think so. Like, why not? I guess, like, I mean, that's in the further future.

But, I mean, it's only a matter of time before, you know, instead they've just got to, like, because to lower distribution costs, you'll be able to just, there'll be factories in sort of, like, big cities and things like that where they can just make them like that through 3D printing of, like, a thing. And then eventually it'll be in the home and you'll be able to have stuff like that. I don't know. This is making me kind of feel a bit strange. Why? It's just everything's moving so fast, Alistair. I can't keep up.

But it'll be good. It's amazing how much technology is increasing exponentially. It's insane. Oh. The changes in our lifetime, the changes over the last hundred years, from a hundred years ago, people were alive then

and we were fucking riding horses everywhere and now this. Yeah. It's ridiculous. So in 10 years time, yeah, absolutely. Of course you're right. We'll be printing out everything.

We'll be printing out new... It's going to be crazy. And actually I think, I was talking with Evan the other day about this, Of course you're right. We'll be printing out everything. We'll be printing out new... It's going to be crazy. And actually, I think... I was talking with Evan the other day about this. I think maybe corporations are going to start doing crowdfunding. Right? Right. And because in order to sort of basically sort of prepay for things like research and development

and remove the risk of making a thing. They're going to say, hey, we're making the PlayStation 6, right? If you want one, you're basically going to be pre-buying it. Yeah. And then before they've even designed and made it. Yeah.

Of course, I think there'll be less pressure for them to make something super good because they'll already get a lot of the money that pays it off at the beginning. You know what I mean? I don't know. So they won't make something super good. Or maybe they get a lot of the money that pays it off at the beginning. You know what I mean? I don't know. So they won't make something super good.

Or maybe they will. Maybe they will. Maybe they'll have to have the – because then also the ACCC and things like that will have to hold people to what they promise. Yeah, hold them to account to what they promised beforehand and then what they produce. So I guess they'll have to come out with basically a, you know, a specification schedule or, you know, or thing. And then they'll tell you what it is and then they'll get you to pre-buy it or you'll be able to pre-buy it and then later on you'll be able to buy it afterwards.

But that'll, you know, because I think if there's going to be pirating of like actual products, then they're going to need a system like that to sort of make sure that everything is at least break-even point. Yeah. Wow. I don't know. That's just an idea. Yeah, no, I think that's a really interesting idea. Is it a sketch, though?

Well, imagine that doing science fiction, doing a thing that is science fiction of actual sort of economic and and like i mean could we because i always like the idea of us doing science fictiony type sketches uh that are kind of thinking about where the future is going to be but in a kind of realistic way yeah um i don't know what what what how would that be funny yeah um well okay the idea of a corporation crowdsourcing something, at the moment that seems like it could potentially be funny. But I think what you're saying is that it's not that ridiculous, in which case it's harder to make it funny. Well, how about this?

This is what it is. It's one of the factories that has the giant 3D printers to make the Sony sort of flat screen, you know, carbonite screen that you can roll up. You know those paper thin carbonite screens that they're talking about? I've heard about this, yes. Yeah. It's the 3D printing factory that makes those for, let's say, Melbourne. Yeah.

Right? They're going out of business because the 3d printers are now good enough in the home and and so it's this particular company is collapsing right right so we're looking ahead it's basically like the sort of the the collapse of the automotive manufacturing industry in australia but it's it's them and the guy going these goddamn 3d printers in the home are ruining our industry and look at all these people that are going to lose their jobs. And there's like just five guys there. And, I mean,

this is almost, I don't know how you would make this a movie. A movie? Well, it could be. Look, it's a sketch. It's a movie.

It just feels like it's a lot to establish. Yeah. Yeah. For, well, it's certainly more complicated than our

golden brown sketch. Yeah. Orange and brown. We'll have a golden brown sketch, absolutely. It'll be about cheese that's toasted perfectly. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Ah, the 70s.

Mm. It'll be a tuna... Ah, cheese on toast. Obviously, it'll be a tuna mornay. Ah, of course. You see? Yeah, pulling it out of the oven. Pulling it out, and then somebody goes, ah, the 70s.

What is green, they say. What is green? I don't understand that at all. I think there's a famous scene in a movie where someone emerges from some kind of isolation, but they don't really understand a lot of concepts. Maybe they've been in some kind of totalitarian society, and they say,

what is love? Because they don't know what love is. Is it something that already exists? Yeah, I think so. Can we just make a series of sketches based on that kind of idea? Yes, we can.

It's a guy who's just dressed in sort of grey, sort of like a communist kind of, communist greys. There's a communist grey. I don't know if they've got it on the paint colour palette. On the kind of... Yeah. Communist greys. There's a communist grey. I don't know if they've got it on the paint colour palette. The colour wheel. Yeah.

But there's definitely a communist grey. It's kind of a bluish grey. Or no, maybe not. I don't know. Maybe kind of a greyish blue. Anyway, yeah. Look, but then he wouldn't ask what is blue. No.

Because he's got a little bit in his grey. Yeah, yeah. And he just comes out and he just asks what is very simple things. Because all he knows is work and obedience and gray. I wanted to, like, I wrote down a thing once, and this might be too silly, right? But, like, the idea of switching on a robot right and you would expect the first thing that it would ask would be what is love right obviously everyone would expect that well everybody wants to know just switch on the robot the robot says

baby don't hurt me what is scat born but does it like okay so you turn it on and it just goes, downloading information. So it just downloads all the information of the internet, you know, of the world. And then it goes, what is scat porn? That's the only clarification it needs. Yeah, you just have to try to explain it.

How am I going to explain this to my robot? Look, I feel like that's a sketch. Do you think that's a sketch? The robot? Yeah, what is scat porn? Yeah. Yeah, like it's a weird one. It's crazy that you're turning on the robot before he asks that.

Yeah? Is that a play on the concept of turning something on? Yes, because I feel like, well, I guess maybe even when you're turned on, you would be confused by scat porn. Yes. It's a... But it's strange because I don't know if it'll work 100% just because does everybody know about the what is love thing? Because I feel like it is a play on that.

Maybe it isn't. Maybe it works independently. But anyway. You know? Who knows? I mean, yeah. It's kind of like trying to just explain anything to a child. I think someone who struggles to explain things like the the there's also the the thing about you

know with homosexuality and people saying how will I explain this to my kids you know gay marriage how will I explain this to my kids um and that attitude. Somebody already has a very good stand-up comedy bit about that. What about somebody who has to write information in such a way that robots would understand it? How would you explain stuff to a robot so that it could understand it based off... How will I explain this to my Roomba?

How would I explain this to my pug? How would I explain this to the microchip that controls my washing machine? Like, how could I put this in terms that something that only understands hot and cold

and duration and spinning would understand? I'm gonna just add that. Just add that. You gotta add that. You gotta add it on. Yeah, explaining things. How will I explain this

to my dead goldfish? Andy. Hmm? What do you like? What do I like? Yeah. What do I like? I guess I like short walks on the beach.

I mean... You feel bad about that? I tolerate short walks on the beach. I used to have to go for so many walks on the beach when I was a kid really yeah my mum loves collecting shells and so much time walking up and down the beach and trying to be enthusiastic about collecting shells and I guess I mean sometimes it was all right what age do you have fun what age do you think you realized you didn't like walking along the beach and collecting shells?

I mean, I probably enjoy it a lot more now than I did. No, but, like, do you think you're one of the earliest people to realise they didn't like walking along the beach and collecting shells? I could have been a child prodigy of walking along the beach, collecting shells and realising that I didn't enjoy it. Yeah, but seriously, how old do you think you were? It's the opposite of a child prodigy? Like somebody who, from a really young age, it became abundantly clear

that they were never going to be good at something. Right? Like a child not-a-gy. Like, yeah, latency? What's latency? Yeah, latency is sort of waiting a period

before you realize something. So like a child failure or like a child... What's the opposite of a prodigy? Somebody who has got absolutely no skills in a particular area. An idiot?

A child idiot. But I like that. There's something in that. From the earliest age, it became clear that he was terrible at the piano. The opposite of a prodigy. we were at the recital hall and my son, he was very curious. He was only two years old and I took my eye off him for a second. He crawled up onto the seat of the grand piano

and just started playing on the keys and actually it just so happened that the conductor of the London Symphony Orchestra was walking through the hall at the time. And he came over and he said, your son is terrible at the piano. He is way worse than anybody who's ever not touched a piano before in their life. I have trained people from zero to genius. Yeah. And I have never heard somebody so bad.

So bad. Just like his hands move in such a way to suggest that he doesn't have the fingering technique to even learn the most basic hit one key at a time yeah it's it's instinctive in him like i don't think even he would be able to explain what he's doing right now and how it is so bad the way that he hits multiple notes that are so The way that he hits multiple notes that are so unharmonized with each other. His tiny fingers shouldn't be able to stretch to such a discordant point. Madam, your son is the anti-Mozart.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Child failure at the piano. Brilliant. Right? Just brilliant.

It's just so good. I learned the piano a fair bit for a couple of years, and I remember nothing. I remember absolutely nothing of what I learned. Yeah, I learned it for quite a few years as well. Did you really? Yeah. My mom, that learned it for quite a few years as well. Did you really? Yeah. My mom, that and guitar lessons for a while. Like, I'm not sure if they were community or what,

but I think they were community stuff. What's community stuff? Just kind of like, you know, run by the city or whatever. It was just kind of... I don't know. I don't know if it was free. I imagine she paid something. Right.

But maybe, yeah, maybe just a sign-up fee. But I think most of the stuff was probably subsidized by the city. Yep. Because the city wanted people who could play guitars. Yeah, because I think I remember my mom having to line up like... Like a bread line. Yeah, like a bread line. To get the last guitar lesson out of Saigon.

Yeah. And I just didn't practice either. That was mostly what it was. I feel like my laziness and my lack of work ethic was instilled in me really early. Yeah, and people were encouraging me to work harder, and I didn't. But what's great, though, is that in the real world, and in things like stand-up where everybody is self-motivated

and self... that it seems like most people don't work that hard. And that's helped me stay afloat. Yeah. Yeah. It's been a real advantage to me is everybody else's laziness.

The sea of mediocrity. Yeah. No, not mediocrity yeah no not mediocrity though i mean that's the thing people have moments of brilliance right so like people are sustained by moments of inspiration um that keeps them bobbing along from point to point and everybody can have a moment of inspiration yeah so a lot of people have got some really really good stuff but nobody's working that hard are they they? I don't think so. So they definitely have a lot more good stuff if they were working a lot harder. I heard a guy's theory that it's like rather than people being geniuses, you're capable of catching genius.

Like you can see a good idea and recognize it as a super good idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then develop it. Yeah. That's not bad. That's almost better. It's almost better than the fact that you would just be a genius. But I guess that's basically the same thing as well.

But I think it's the difference between your brain is creating these amazing ideas and you're responsible for it, or your brain is creating amazing ideas and your conscious self is the part that's just capable to see and then kind of play with it. You could have been a child prodigy of justifying not working to yourself. I think I was. Man, I don't know what the fuck I've done with my life. Like, I'm happy where I'm at,

but it feels like I've just wasted so much time. I'm sorry we got to this point, Alistair. Yeah, I feel like that a lot of the time as well. But I think that's just natural. If you always want more, you know, more for yourself, like to do better stuff, you know, it's natural to look at what you've done. And if you are getting better as well,

I think that's a sign that you are getting better, you know, because you're making progress. So you're looking back at things that you've done in the past and being like, well, that wasn't very good. And therefore dismissing it. But of course, it's part of the process. It's part of the process to get where you are. Also, you're a massive failure.

Also, yeah. Look, I'm just going to set my aims higher. Okay. Just set my aims higher. So that way my, you know, because it's like it feels like progress is just a slow drift towards whatever goal you're trying to head towards. So if you just put your goal higher, your drift angle will be slightly more steep. Will it? Maybe.

Or will it just be more distant? But I'm talking about angles here, right? So let's say there's a right angle of... But, you know, like, I'm talking about angles here, right? Yeah. So let's say there's a right angle of... But this is assuming that you've got a limited period of time in which to reach your goal. Which I do. And that you are going to. Which I do.

I only have my lifespan, Andy. I am limited by the fact that we have to die. Imagine how lazy we would be if we didn't have to die. Super lazy. Imagine being a thousand years old just gonna get around to doing things like yeah i'll do it i will i think be a thousand years old and saying i think i'm gonna try stand-up comedy i think i'm gonna work harder harder on my stand-up comedy it's ridiculous to imagine do you think maybe it's something you could have as a vampire sketch where the vamp it's a vampire who's just trying to. Do you think maybe it's something you could have as a vampire sketch where

it's a vampire who's just trying to do things with his life? Because that's the thing you do with the vampires. Oh, they live forever. They would never do anything. Yeah, but vampires that are actually trying to achieve something with their lives. Or they're a thousand years in and they're going, oh, I should find something. That's really good.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a fun take on the vampire concept. And it is a concept. And, you know, we can get in the Twilight people. They'll love it. They'll love seeing their...

That's why people... Because people say... Because I think in the Twilight movies, Robert Pattinson, Edward Cullen, his character, is still in high school or something. And everyone's like, he's thousands of years old.

Why is he still in high school? It's because he's going to live forever. He's just not motivated to do anything. You would still be in high school if you were going to live forever because you would never do any assignments. Why would you work? I've got plenty of time.

I'm just hanging out here with high school chicks. Yeah. Maybe we wrap this guy up. Do you think so? Yeah, wrap him up. Yeah, alright, let's do it. Let's wrap him up in a carpet and throw him into the sea.

So sort of like the, we got sketch one, sort of like the Holland, the Dutch tulip boom. Sponge boom. We've got the sponge boom. Sponge boom and bust. And we end up eating sponges because that's all we've put, all our manufacturing and land harvesting into sponges. And that's all caused by Tarantino featuring a sponge in his latest movie.

We got blind in one nostril, can't smell depth or direction. We got the orange and brown. Ah, the 70s. With the blind in one nostril guy, I'd like to see how that would manifest. orange and brown. Ah, the 70s. With a blind and one nostril guy. Yeah. I'd like to see how that would manifest. Right?

Like, is he reaching for really good smelling things and not being able to grab them or something? Because he's still got vision. So how does this... Anyway, maybe that's the wrong question to ask. He closes his eyes to smell something. Yeah. Like to stop and smell the roses. Uh-huh.

But then he kind of like, he closes his eyes and then he lowers his head but he misses them. Misses the roses. Face lands in the dirt. Classic. We got Ah! The 70s. Yep. we got Ah! The 70s yep and number four is you turn on a robot it downloads the info

the collective knowledge of the world yep and it says what is scat porn because it needs extra information that's the one thing that kind of

he's stuck on it's the first thing that he asks I think it's funny that the robot just in general just asks all these really awkward questions

that the maker of this robot who's's this genius scientist, has to then spend all their time explaining things to the robot. And it only ever asks, like, what is scat porn? Yeah, it's sort of like the startup screen and it won't work until it clarifies these last few logical bits of information. these last few logical sort of... Bits of information, but they're all like to do with sex or... Yeah, they're just really uncomfortable things for the scientists to have to explain. Yeah, but then they also have to try

to understand it themselves. So they have to do... They go, ah, look, it has all the information, but it's just not registering why people are doing it still. We got the child failure at the piano, the anti-Mozart And we've got vampires trying to do something with their lives

But not being motivated by death There you go Thanks for listening Thank you very much Guys?